Bedrooms and Hallways

This programme contains strong language

My flatmate says everything changes when you turn 30.

The illusions of youth are replaced by rock solid realities.

Anyway, I'm playing it very cool this birthday -

a couple of beers, Chinese takeaway, watching telly.

My friends are good about it. They know

the last thing I want on my plate is a big splashy glittery hoo-ha.

Th-they are clear about that.

ALL: Surprise!

-Leo! Leo, where do you think you're going?

-Out.

Get back in here. Go on!

The boy's come back. Yahoo!

Happy birthday. I wanted to show you where you are now on the medicine wheel.

Out of the house of the hunter, which is a very solitary house

-and into the house of the warrior.

-Great. I'm just going to the loo.

Look what I've made. Taste it. Happy birthday, Leo.

-Nice?

-It's lovely, yeah.

-Hey, Leo. Happy birthday.

-Hi, thanks.

I've always wanted a surprise party but somehow it's never happened.

It's probably because I'm waiting for it.

I'm just going to the loo, OK?

Mm! Guess who it isn't.

-Ummm. Baby Spice?

-Correct. Here, open it now. I can't wait.

-I'll take that.

-Oh, thanks.

-Oh!

-I paid for it. It may look like I didn't but I did.

-That's great. It's your book!

-It's too heavy, isn't it? Throw it away. I don't mind.

-I'll put it with the other pressies.

-You'll enjoy it. I learned a lot.

-Great.

-Ange? Where's Darren?

-I'm not going to tell you if you're going to give him a bad time.

-I was just going to thank him.

-You're such a terrible liar.

Relax and have a good time.

I bought you a present. You'll love it.

See you in a minute.

Hi, thanks for coming.

How are you? Are you all right? Good to see you.

Good to see you. Thanks for coming. I'll see you in a minute, OK?

"This isn't so bad, actually. I got through the top floor in one piece."

-Oh, hi there. How are you?

-I'm fine.

You've lost some weight, haven't you?

-Are you coming down?

-What are you up to?

Well, you know, just keeping busy.

Hi. How are you? Fine.

"Wonder how Darren found half these people."

See you in a minute.

Hi!

Hi.

-I hope you don't mind my...

-No.

It takes a while to get used to it. Just check my look.

-How are you?

-Pretty good, pretty good. you know.

I'm going to Thailand in a couple of weeks.

Really? That's a long way.

Yeah. Well, it's something I've been meaning to do for a long time.

Anyway, happy birthday.

Yeah, thanks.

It's for Sal, somewhere.

Happy birthday, Leo.

Thanks.

"Now I remember why I didn't want this."

-Darren.

-Hello, birthday boy.

Listen, I asked the boys from downstairs and guess what?

-It turns out they're brothers.

-Hi.

-I told you... I'll get him back in five minutes.

-It was getting interesting.

Darren. Darren, what were you thinking? This is all I need.

I'm sorry, it's your birthday. I thought you might like it.

There's absolutely no-one here that I want to see.

Would you like me to send them all home?

-It's too late for that now, isn't it?

-Yes, it is.

Have I done a bad thing?

Come back to the party, little Leo.

No. No. I'm going to stay here and watch telly.

No-one will notice.

SHOOTING ON TV

I really thought you were making progress.

I thought, "Marvellous. Leo's finally decided to live his life."

Wrong again.

Bye.

Hm.

"That's not fair. I WAS living my life. But things got very complicated."

-OK, start with his age.

-He's 35.

Well preserved 37 at a pinch.

-But gorgeous.

-Wait for me. Can't a girl have a pee? It's a long ride from Heathrow.

Here's your stuff.

-Darren, bags, Leo cologne.

-Thanks.

-What have I missed?

-Right, well, he's 35-ish.

Um, we don't know if he's gorgeous.

I'm not sure if gorgeous is the right word for him.

He's more salty.

I want to say rugged.

Height? 6ft-ish.

That's good. Job?

Oh, yes.

Morning, Jeremy.

'He's an estate agent.'

He's a what?

-An estate agent. Sells houses.

-Is this the guy who came round the other day?

He might be.

Mm. Lovely coffee.

Jeremy Downey, Reynolds and Landon.

Imagine him all neat and high class in his city suit.

-Cuff links and brogues.

-Sort of.

And now, I want you to imagine all these seething animal passions

just a fraction of an inch under the surface - about to erupt through the pie crust decorum.

I'm afraid the place is in a mess from my grandchildren.

-OK, I think we've got the picture.

-Can we get to the smut, please.

OK, getting there.

What does an estate agent have access to?

-Work it out.

-Mm...

-Photos of houses...

-Plans...

-Secretaries.

-Pens...

-Coffee mugs...

I'll be needing these, of course.

Oh?

You can't expect me to sell the place without them.

Darren, you slut.

Well, how's he supposed to sell a house without them?

I am switching estate agents.

I don't blame you.

Hello?

Anyone home?

Jeremy, we can't do this.

No, this is all wrong.

Hello?

You sexy little thing.

BELL RINGS

No, no. I don't believe it. You're making this up.

No, no, I'm not.

Sit down, Leo. ..Go on, Darren.

Hello?

I can't go through with it.

I'm going.

Oh, no, you're not.

I'm shocked. I'm sure you can go to prison for this sort of thing.

-Leo, it's all right to be jealous.

-I'm not.

-Oh, yes, you are.

-I am not jealous.

If it's any consolation, I'm jealous, too.

Listen to us. We're two attractive men in our prime.

Why don't you and I ever hit the town together...?

Because, Adam, we'd want to go to different places.

Right.

I just love women. Always have.

It's the support you get.

That's what I miss. I'm just crap at being single.

Well, you've got your men's group.

Put a sock in it.

You've got your antlers to fall back on.

You're gagging to come to my men's group.

You're fascinated by it.

All right, I'm fascinated. It's more at a wet dream level than wanting to join up.

I envision you all ripping your clothes off and wrestling naked.

We have never done that. Now you mention it,

-it's not a bad idea.

-That's exactly the kind of thing

that would stop me from going. Wrestling naked.

What if I got a hard-on?

Well, it would add a whole new dynamic.

It certainly would.

Anyway, why be ashamed of what your body does?

Also, the group could do with a bit of variety.

You think my erections glow in the dark? That's how we find each other in parks at night?

-Can I say one thing?

-Yes.

Good.

I think it's an incredible time to be a guy.

We have to get ready for the new century. We have to know who we are. I think you should come.

No.

BELL RINGS

Hi.

-Keith, this is Leo.

-Hi. Pleased to meet you.

-Hi.

-Leo, this is Keith.

Hi. Come on in.

Sybil, I told you the men's group was going to use the Moroccan room.

I cleared it with you.

-So, you get the Moroccan room and the Tibetan singing bowl.

-I booked the Tibetan singing bowl.

I wasn't there when you did it.

It never occurred to you my women's group might want the Moroccan room.

We get the small little Inuit room. Because we're so small.

Sybil, we'll talk about this later.

I suppose you guys need that space for your gigantic penises.

Correct.

Everyone, this is Leo.

Hi, hi.

Leo, this is John.

Pleased to meet you.

Terry and Brendan who's Irish.

So, Leo, we usually get new members to begin by telling us a history of yourself

as a man. How do you feel about your maleness? Proud?

Ashamed?

Ambivalent?

Er...

Don't rush it.

Just take your time.

-We talked for hours and I told them all about my family and it was wonderful.

-You amaze me.

You talked about your emotional problems with a roomful of straight men?

The experience of being male is common to gay and straight men. If you've got a dick, you're a man.

-Isn't that right, Ange?

-Tell me about it.

-Make me something to eat and it's yours.

-That's what we're talking about.

-We're talking about maleness.

-You didn't tell them you were gay, did you?

Oh, God, you're such a separatist.

He is. It's all bloody gay, gay, gay with him.

Gay gym, gay restaurant...

Gay life insurance. Don't forget that.

I hope they're spunky, these straight men of yours.

One's very nice, actually. And he's Irish.

He's got this voice, it sort of washes over you like some dark powerful river.

There's a good manly way of describing a man.

Just ignore him. I think it sounds most therapeutic.

Tell me more.

Well, the good news is

there are some signs of an upturn in the market.

At least, there are signs that the rate at which it is falling is slowing down.

That doesn't sound too hopeful. < I'll be frank with you,

the fact that you're on a railway isn't going to help.

I don't know. We rather like the trains.

I appreciate the fact that YOU like the trains.

But will your prospective purchaser?

Here comes one now.

TRAIN THUNDERS BY

How will you sell this place with that racket?

I can sell anything.

Oh shit.

What?

Look at this.

Made in Hong Kong.

Most of them are.

For fuck's sake.

What's the matter? Vinyl.

It's just a headboard. Don't stop now. I was just getting moist.

That's textured bloody vinyl. This place is not right.

This is British Home Stores.

The decor doesn't bother me.

This whole room... Look at this.

She's lost her leg. KNOCKING

What was that? Someone's at the door. Hide.

Hide.

30 per cent nylon. 70 per cent bleeding polyester. I'm getting out of here.

I rather like a bit of polyester.

Today, we're going to be passing around the honesty stone.

-Oh, this is great.

-This ritual comes from native American culture.

The stone is passed round clockwise.

If it's given to you, you have to speak with absolute honesty.

about something which is on your mind.

It's a liberating ritual. Don't think of it

as a test. It's an opportunity.

John, why don't you go first?

I feel tense, you know...

nervous.

That's perfectly natural.

Let the stone help you. Hold it.

Hold it.

Allow it to speak to you in its own way.

Allow its energy to open the floodgates of your mind.

I... I don't know what's wrong with me. I...

I can't speak.

Take your time.

Er, I feel like there's this...

blockage in my throat.

G...

Huuu..

John, let it happen. He's spontaneously rebirthing.

-Ugggh...

-Terry, place your hand under John's leg in a supportive and loving way.

I'm going really faint.

No, you are not going to faint. It's just your ego trying to protect itself.

The b-blockage just moved down to my stomach.

Leo, place your hand on John's stomach in a supportive and loving way.

My knees, oh God, the pain.

Adam, his knees.

Let it all go, John.

Let these strong, loving men heal you.

Jesus Christ, the rage...

If you want to shout and scream, shout and scream!

Oh, my feet, my feet!

Great. It's in your feet!

John, try to imagine all the pain draining out of your feet

into the nurturing earth. Into the life-giving sea.

Aaah!

< Aaah!

And now we focus on the wide Arctic silence.

< Aaah!

< John, let it all out.

< Aaah!

Aaah!

There's a terrible banging noise in my head.

There's a constant banging noise. Oh, God.

Make it go away.

It's my father.

My father.

My father beat me.

It's OK, John. It's OK.

It's only now in the company of this group of... of men

that I can finally face my grief.

Why? Why?

He died and I couldn't speak to him and I had so many questions to ask.

Thank you, John.

But why?

Well done. Well done.

Yeah, nice one, John,

That was so illuminating.

That was great.

Cheers.

-Right.

-Is it me, next?

'Fraid so.

That's a pretty touch act to follow.

It wasn't an act.

Sorry, I didn't...

Don't feel inhibited, Leo.

It's the honesty stone. All you have to do is to be honest.

I find a member of the group attractive.

Who?

Brendan.

-Can I pass the stone on, now?

-Can you tell us a bit more about your feelings for Brendan?

Is the attraction spiritual? Emotional?

Or physical?

I'm not going to start hyperventilating or anything, am I?

-Not unless you need to.

-No.

OK, well, I suppose on a spiritual level,

I probably do have some affinity with Brendan.

However, if I'm going to be completely honest about it,

I have to say that there's a lot of sexual attraction there, too.

-Er...

-Great.

Great. Go on.

-What, you want me to go into details?

-It's OK, Leo.

I can take it, you know.

What exactly is it about Brendan that turns you on, Leo?

-Is there a particular body part?

-Well, um...

I would say what we've got here is a pretty hot package, really?

From head to toe and...

If Brendan were

batting with the same team as me, as it were, then, yeah, I'd ask him out.

Come on, guys, don't make me feel like a freak,

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed Brendan is a handsome man.

He's all right.

Christ.

Er, Brendan...

I just wanted to say...

I'm sorry if I embarrassed you, you know.

-No.

-I guess I just got caught up...

-Fine, you didn't embarrass me.

Well, I think I did.

Well, you know, it was a bit of a bombshell, yeah but...

But actually, you know, I felt kind of flattered.

-What?

-Nothing.

What? What? Did I say the wrong thing, or what?

I guess, that... You know, I guess it sounded a bit patronising.

-Did it?

-Yeah, it did a bit.

Well, Christ, well, pardon me.

-No offence meant, you know.

-It's OK.

I'll see you next week, yeah?

Look, I'm sorry. Do you want to go for a quick pint or something?

You know... you know... I've got an early start in the morning.

-You know.

-Yeah, yeah, I know.

-Next week, yeah?

-Yeah, all right, then.

THUNDER ROLLS

Oh!

The Rough Guide to Ireland.

"Never has Ireland been so readily accessible."

"Margaret Thatcher put the C back in Conservatism." That's it.

That was great.

Jeremy? Yeah?

I've been thinking.

Oh, yeah, about...?

Do you think our relationship has an over-emphasis on the physical side?

How do you mean?

I'm probably being silly. I just think sometimes it might be nice if we maybe went out, or something.

You know, lunch at Soho. Shopping?

Don't be so soft.

Our world shouldn't revolve around other people's empty houses.

I want to show you off, you know.

It was just a thought. Probably not a very profound one.

Hi.

Hi. .. All right, Adam?

-How are you?

-I'll get you for this.

Sure, you will.

-Thank you for that.

-Well,

that was very interesting.

-Did you see how many slices of ham he put in your sandwich?

-The normal amount.

-He gave you a great big extra slice.

-He didn't.

Let me see. Come on.

-Two slices. How many slices have you got?

-Two SMALL slices.

You have a row of pickled gherkin. I don't have a row of pickled gherkin.

-I suppose that means something.

-Certainly. It does.

We straight men have this system of codes.

A row of pickled gherkin is pretty serious.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Oh, hold on a sec.

Leo, it's for you.

-Who is it?

-I'm not sure but his voice washed over me like a dark, powerful river.

Hello?

Hi, Leo?

It's Brendan. From the group.

Hi, hi.

I wanted to say sorry for being rude the other night.

Were you rude? I didn't notice.

'Well, you know, I was unfriendly and I feel bad about that.

'I guess I just...'

I don't know, I guess I just misinterpreted your invitation.

'But I was thinking, I shouldn't be stand-offish.'

Right, yeah.

Sorry, I just...

(I'll do that. It's all right.)

Oh, great.

I was wondering... I know a pub where they have real Guinness.

I'm free tonight, so if you're not doing anything, you might want to go out.

Right, just a minute. I'll just check if I'm free.

Darren, are we going anywhere tonight? (Say no.)

No. Not unless

-you want to go to that orgy...

-Yeah, that'd be fine.

-Yeah? Should I pick you up?

-Pick me up.

-What's the address?

-Flat 5, 13 Old Street.

Oh, yeah, I know. That's right off City Road, isn't it?

What, eight-ish?

OK, yeah, I'll see you then. Sure.

Good, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Bye.

-Ooooh!

Eeeh, he-he.

-You look sexy. Rub some compost on your face. Straight boys like that.

-It's not a date.

It's just a drink. Where are you going?

I'm going to tell Ange.

So, thanks for locking up.

I like you in that jacket. You look all boyish.

Thanks.

I'll see you.

THEY CHEER

ECSTATIC GRUNTING

OK, I'm trying to build a mental picture here.

Did you have sex before or after table football.

-Don't be naive, it was during.

-We had a couple of pints.

-Exchanged rings in a quiet ceremony.

-No. We had a long chat

-about his ex girlfriend.

-He'll get over it.

Look, we just want to be friends. Male bonding. Is that what they call it?

-Do we have to watch this?

-Yes, yes.

MOANING This is for your benefit, actually.

Think of it as a refresher course.

That look familiar?

-Does it?

-Vaguely.

-Good.

You'll thank us later.

Hello? Hi?

Hello, Keith? It's Adam and Leo.

Oh, hi.

Hi, you guys, you're in the sauna tonight. They've already gone over.

-It's this way.

-Sauna?

Yeah.

What sauna?

Sometimes we start with a sauna.

-It's just relaxed.

-Just a minute.

-You expect ME to take my clothes off.

-Leo, come on.

I'm not taking my kit off.

Well, I'm going to keep my pants on. OK?

Yeah, if you want to.

Well, who would have thought.

Oh, God.

< Get off.

LEO THINKS Wonder how Leo's doing.

Margaret Thatcher. In 1979

Margaret Thatcher moves into 10 Downing Street after a Tory landslide.

I want to share something with the group.

ALL SPEAK Share with us.

OK. Right. It all started when Leo

was telling us about his feelings towards Brendan.

I never heard anyone speak

with such a refreshing directness about this particular taboo subject.

< I didn't find it refreshing.

This is the bit that's really hard to say.

Yang, yang, yang...

Terry, that's just a normal stone.

John, would you pass Terry the harpoon, please?

Sure.

It's got a very different energy from the stone. Very male.

Try.

Yang. Yang. Yang.

Yang. Yang.

So, I went home and I...

meditated deeply on...

on my sexuality.

You know?

I really want to push myself to the very limits of discovery.

After I meditated, I knew what to do.

What?

I went to a newsagents and bought a magazine.

-Tell us about the magazine, Terry.

-It was a pornographic one.

Yes?

With pictures of men.

Jesus Christ!

Terry, you're doing well.

Let the harpoon help.

Well, after I bought the magazine, I took it home and read it.

I looked at the pictures and...

I had a wank.

And how do you...feel about that now?

I feel great.

I feel fucking great.

I feel as if I'm discovering

a part of...of me

that I never accepted before.

I see. And are you going to be taking this any further?

What do you mean, John?

I mean it's bad enough I've got one in the sauna. No offence, Leo

but, well, I'm just beginning to get a tad

< concerned here. Oh, don't worry about it.

It would have to be with someone I found remotely attractive.

Do you know what my theory is on men right now?

Go on, tell us.

I think men don't feel received by women.

There's so much suspicion between the sexes.

Yeah, cos we've made such a mess of it as men, haven't we?

Of course, I'm a great Jungian, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah.

Or at least I was. Then I thought what is all this bullshit?

Masculine, feminine...

Excuse me. Terry, could I...have a word?

Back in a sec.

-I mean, it's bullshit.

-Yeah...

I'm sure, you, as a gay man, feel much the same.

Oh, God, yeah...

-Of course, Jung was a complete pig with woman.

-He was, yeah...

-I'm boring you.

-No, not at all.

They're talking about you.

-Are they?

-The good-looking guy seems very pissed off with your friend.

< Just a minute. Wait a sec.

< Something...something...

Break your nose. I'll break your fucking nose, matey.

I love that word, matey.

Are you lip-reading?

-I used to work with the deaf.

-Well, that's useful.

-He's coming over.

-You don't do mind-reading?

I used to. But, believe me, it's usually best not to know.

-I'm leaving now.

-OK.

-Do you want to come?

Don't just stand there. Go on, live a little.

-Bye.

-Bye.

< What's that word when someone likes you but can't admit it? < Denial.

Fellas. Chaps, don't forget. Friday.

1pm. Remember to bring your tents.

What a very interesting group.

Yes...

My God. I thought that Terry was going to go on all night.

What a wally, eh?

Yeah, well, I guess it was important to him.

Yes, yes, I know. But pushing himself to the limits of self-discovery indeed!

-Never heard such bollocks in all my life. Next thing, he'll ask you out.

-He can if he wants.

So Brendan feels left out since Terry's found his homosexual side and he's not.

I'm joining that group.

Definitely. Wipe off my make-up.

- Sock down your knickers. - False moustache.

Three eights.

Please play with me. She's cheating very much.

-No, no. I'm going to bed.

-Oh, night.

-OK, night.

-Night. >

Come on, it's you. >

One jack.

Pathetic.

Guys,

what's the least sexy book you can think of?

The least sexy book?

What would you read last thing at night

if you absolutely did not want to dream of sex with a gorgeous Irishman?

Why not dream about sex with a gorgeous Irishman?

The least sexy book is...

Margaret Thatcher's biography.

I've finished it.

-Are you serious?

-Yeah.

Oh, I know. My bedside table.

Read that book, you'll never think about sex.

Oh, Mr Elton, it is too wildly vexing.

Mother and I feel my brother will inherit Mansize Park

and we shall have to live in West Kensington with one servant.

Oh, how very vexing. But it is, I do declare.

I need at least two servants to get me out of bed.

Ah, tea. You will have a little dish, Mr Elton?

Oh, please. I like a good caffeine rush before I write my Sunday sermon.

Perhaps you should enter into a romantic alliance with that Mr Darcy?

His endowments are the talk of Bedfordshire. But he is so proud, Mother.

-And he eats dinner at six.

-I

-favour half past five.

We could never marry.

-ALL SPEAK Ah, Mr Darcy!

-Ladies.

You look a little flushed, Mr Darcy. Did you walk?

Oh, no. I've been whipping the new stable boy. Thirsty work indeed, Miss Bennett.

You, boy. Have you been whipped today?

-Only once, my lord.

-Only once?

Servants must be whipped every hour. That is how they tell the time.

Were it not for tea, we would be little more than savages.

Indeed, madam. A dish of tea is a tremendous stiffener of the manly resolve.

You.

Meet me at the stables.

Good day, ladies.

Mr Darcy is somewhat haughty.

But there can be no denying his penetration.

-Hiya.

-All right?

Do you want some help with that?

You need good firm ground for these tent pegs, eh? This is good.

This afternoon, we shall be hunting and gathering for our evening meal.

I've brought no food.

So, if you can't find any...

What do you mean, you've brought no food?

I'm hyperglycaemic.

I could die.

You can handle that, John.

Remember. You're a man.

Who did this to you?

Go on. Go on.

What are you doing?

Catch it, come on! Come on, get after it.

Shit! What?

This bush is alive, man. How am I going to get out?

Just relax.

Look, I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I could get tetanus.

I'll have to go and get some help.

Here.

Have a berry. Piss off, Adam.

Keith, Terry's stuck in a bush.

Thank you, Keith.

Guys, look what I've got.

-God, what have you got?

-A liquorice root.

-No nutritional value but you suck it and it has a nice flavour.

-Look, I'm going to die!

Doesn't anyone care?

My God, I feel dizzy.

Help!

TELEPHONE RINGS

One Way Takeaway.

-KEITH:

-'Hello. Can we have some king prawns, please?'

-'Six...' 'Prawns for...'

-'Two king...'

Are you done with that?

THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT

Leo.

It's me, Brendan. Can I come in?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

-Hi.

-Hi.

It's a bit cramped.

I brought you something.

Don't tell the others, OK?

-It's poteen.

-Poteen, what's that?

It's like a hooch, you know?

You make it yourself.

Go on, try some. It'll put hairs on your back.

'All those stars. Makes you think.'

We're so fucking...

small.

Like ants, really.

We're just a bunch of fucking ants

creeping about on the surface of this...

..world.

Eh, Terry?

Sorry, John, I didn't hear a word.

All those stars.

Makes you think.

God.

The trauma...

Wild...

You know what?

I think I could get quite into all this stuff.

Mmm...

RUSTLING

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

-Jesus Christ!

-Get it! Get it!

-What the fucking hell is that?

-You've got to get it!

-You go.

-You're on top of me, get it!

-Go on, shoo!

MUFFLED SHOUTING

MUFFLED LAUGHTER

Over to you.

What do we feel this weekend?

As men?

Anyone?

Don't be so British.

You have to learn to share your feelings.

Always share.

I think Brendan's got something he wishes to share.

Brendan?

I don't know... I had a really great time.

Yeah, but aren't you going to share it with us, Brendan?

That was it, Terry. That was my sharing.

No, no, Brendan. That was shit.

You slept with Leo, didn't you?

Did you enjoy that?

-What's it to do with you?

-Was he good? Did you let him fuck you?

-Sounded like someone was being fucked.

-How dare you, you little prick!

-Come on, then.

-Get off me!

-Get off!

-Leave them.

That was the best Wild Man Weekend ever.

Bloody noses. That's excellent.

Terry, would you like to stop at a hospital to get it re-set?

No, thanks. I'll do it myself.

ADAM Go on. Hug each other.

No. I'm not ready for that, Adam.

Oh, incidentally, Leo and Brendan,

I think it's really great

that you two have got it together.

Brendan, are you listening?

If I could have one wish, it would be

for you to be gay, but I don't think you are.

And that's OK. OK?

What's that supposed to mean?

Have you changed your mind about me?

No. No, that's not what I meant.

What, then?

How can you have been happily seeing women for the past...

..the past 15 years or so

and not be straight? Huh?

I thought I was straight, OK?

-What, then you meet me and you have this blinding revelation?

-Yeah.

OK, I don't look a certain way and we didn't meet in a bar.

Or would you have preferred it if we had?

-I think maybe you have one or two prejudices yourself.

-Really?

Let me ask YOU something.

Have you ever had a relationship with a woman?

-A very good question.

-Thank you.

-Piss off, John.

Leo. Brendan may have a point.

Maybe we should help you to explore it.

I do think Keith is right, Leo.

Do you?

We're only trying to help you, Leo.

Eh?

-JOHN: It's nothing to be ashamed of. BRENDAN:

-Come on, Leo.

So was that a fair question to ask

in front of a whole bus-load of hairy-chested drum-beating rough men?

Well, he's probably just fascinated.

Well, if he wants to be bisexual, that's fine.

-Just don't drag me into it.

-Oh, Leo, relax.

You're quite right to choose men. Women are complicated.

Men are kind of pathetic but at least you know where you are.

Look.

I'm an attractive woman.

I'm standing here in my bra and panties.

We're in my bedroom. Any straight guy would have jumped on me by now.

Maybe I'm just polite.

What are you doing?

Feel anything?

No.

How about that? THEY LAUGH

-Get off, that makes it worse!

-Good.

Oh, Leo, I love you the way you are. I don't want you to change.

You're like my spy in the enemy camp.

You can tell me all those little weird male secrets.

I think I should just shut up.

Far too much drumming has released some sort of wild man.

OK. OK.

Let me ask you one question.

If this Brendan were to turn up on your doorstep intent on making passionate love to you,

would that wild man be heterosexual?

BOTH SPEAK Ummm...

No.

-Morning, Darren.

-Good morning.

You know, I just had the most amazingly vivid dream.

No, it wasn't a dream. He's just made breakfast.

There you go.

-Darren.

-Thank you.

Bon appetit, gentlemen.

Darren, could I...?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Thanks.

What else do you want? He's gorgeous and he made breakfast.

I mean, the man is on the rebound.

From women in general.

He wants me because I'm not a woman.

-Seems a good reason to want someone.

-But it's a negative reason. He wants me

for what I'm not. Not for what I am.

Any good in bed?

-Well, yeah, yeah, he was, but...

-Well, then, keep him.

-Darren, you know what my biggest nightmare is.

-Falling in love with a straight man.

-Yes.

Leo, all relationships end.

You either split up or one of you dies.

So why not enjoy it?

You've got a nice bit of crumpet. Make the most of it.

Darren, why do I have such a complicated

-sex life?

-Because you give out complicated vibrations.

Simplify your vibrations. Your sex life simplifies itself.

That's very wise.

Honestly, Leo, you know your trouble. You always want guarantees.

-Doesn't everyone?

-No. No, they don't.

So you let the first guy you slept with in ages leave without knowing when you'll see him again.

-Hi.

-I just wanted to give you this.

-Your number?

-Yeah.

I called you, remember?

Yes.

Well, do you want mine?

Yeah, yeah...

Have you got a...pen?

-Oh. Thanks.

-Thanks.

Here, give us your hand.

-Thanks for the pen.

-Cheers.

-See you.

-See you.

I'll call you.

I particularly liked the way it managed to be gently ironic

without descending into an out-and-out cynicism. You?

I'm not so sure. You know.

I mean, satire is one thing and pastiche quite another. I thought it was pastiche.

-I thought it was more lampoon than pastiche.

-What? Surely? What?

Lampoon IS satire, Brendan. They're the same thing.

Pope is lampoon, Swift is satire. Quite a different thing.

You're such a clever boy.

Come on, bed.

Yes, I'm kind of sleepy, you know.

-All right?

-All right.

-Who was that?

-I don't know.

Anyway, bed. Come on. In your pyjamas.

-BRENDAN LAUGHS

-Get in here.

-You don't really envy straight people like that, do you?

-Yes.

Yeah, sometimes.

You know,

a lot of straight couples stay together for the wrong reasons.

Kids...

Mortgage...

-It all turns into a trap.

-Yeah.

Maybe they're lucky to be tied together like that.

I mean, when you're gay,

you don't always have those things so it's easier just to give up and not see it through.

Well, maybe we're not made for it, eh?

Not made for what?

Monogamy.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Hi, is Brendan there, please?

Um...no, he's a bit busy right now.

'Can I take a message?' No. No message.

OK. Bye.

It wasn't for you. It was for Leo's boyfriend.

Back.

Leo,

I've just come out of a long relationship.

The last thing I want to do right now is start another one.

So what's this?

Well, I don't know what this is.

My husband's a bit of a DIY fanatic. Aren't you, Desmond?

No expense spared. You know, as my Auntie Maureen always says,

"You buy cheap, you buy twice."

Yes. I think we have to

pass on this property. Oh, why ever's that?

It's not the sort of property that we're good at selling.

< Oh, that's a disappointment.

My word. That is rather a lovely table.

< My husband made it.

It's adjustable. And you can make it any height you want.

Yes. So it's useful for a variety of purposes.

I'll have to check with the office

but I think we might be able to squeeze you onto our list. Oh, I say.

200 Marlboro. Lights. >

-Not the 100s.

-And one small atomiser of Givenchy Gentleman.

OK, OK.

-BUZZER SOUNDS Shall I get it?

-Yeah, thanks.

-Is it about the flat?

-No, it's the fashion police coming to get you.

-Well, you'd better get it, cos I don't want to get arrested.

-OK.

I'm really sorry to bother you.

-My name's Sally. It must seem very...

-Sally...?

It's me.

-It's Leo.

-Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

-You look great.

-It's so weird.

This is Sally.

She was my teenage sweetheart.

-Can you believe that?

-No.

-This is Darren, he's my lovely flatmate. This is Ange.

-Hi.

-Can't stop, I have a flight to catch. Really nice to meet you. Bye.

-Bye.

Right. This is it.

This is beautiful.

Come on, I'll show you around.

This is the dining room...

Shops just round the corner. It's fine really.

Leo, I didn't come about the flat.

I came because that woman,

Angie,

she's seeing my boyfriend.

-Angie!

-No, it's OK, Leo.

I'm dealing with it. OK, shove up.

Let's get to the bottom of this. We know her type.

-So describe your boyfriend and we'll tell you if she's bonking him.

-Darren!

-I'm trying to help.

- Is he tall or short? - Tall.

- Dark or blond? - Dark.

Mmm. English or foreign?

Irish.

-Sounds a bit ominous. Likes an accent, Ange.

-Still doesn't sound

-like her.

-Here's the decider.

Is he smooth or hairy?

-Pretty hairy. Definitely not.

-No.

- You don't think so? - No, it's highly unlikely. So what's his name? What does he do?

His name is Brendan. We run a cafe.

Brendan? Not Brendan with the dark eyes and permanent five o'clock shadow?

Yes.

I know him!

- You do? - Yes. He comes to my men's group.

Your men's group?

Leo's very sniffy about it. Makes me keep my tribal drums under the stairs. He's very closed.

Isn't that in Chiswick?

No, that's where our hot tub nights are. He's my star pupil.

He's come on in leaps and bounds. Opened up like a flower. Last week he shared THE most

lurid masturbation fantasy I've ever heard.

Will you tell him I want my wolf pelt back?

Thank you for doing this.

I don't think I could have done it on my own.

I know they're just things but psychologically...

-I should have packed up Brendan's things long ago but it's hard to do it on your own.

-Sally...

Look.

If I'd done something bad, unintentionally,

would you forgive me?

What sort of bad?

Well...

Well, say, you were...going to buy a house, right?

And I sort of gazumped you without knowing it was you

and then you found out that it was me...

That would be OK.

Yeah?

-Yeah.

-OK.

'You mean to tell me,'

you stood there in my room, in my house,

packing up MY things?

Yeah. I'm sorry, OK?

-But she asked me, she just wanted support.

-Great!

Can you just for a second imagine how I feel about this?

You're not the only one in shock. She's one of my oldest friends and I ruined her life.

Hold on.

Our splitting-up has got nothing to do with you.

Yeah, and she says it's a trial separation,

and you say you've split up. Which is it?

It is the same thing.

No, it's not.

One means you may get back together, the other doesn't.

It's got nothing to do with you,

anyway.

No, it's just a difference between you being available and not available.

Oh, for God's sake! Leo...

I know all about love and commitment.

I was with Sal for seven years,

-which is a sight longer than you were with whatshisname.

-Don't!

OK, fine.

Just...

Just don't tell me I don't know about commitment.

OK.

-Oh, God, why did you have to do this?

-What?

-Spoil everything, with all this...thinking you do.

Because, Brendan, that's who I am. I can't help it.

I just want the whole deal.

You know, I think you're coping with all this really well.

I'm completely falling apart, actually,

but what can you do?

-It's a break-up. They're hard.

-They are.

-So what about you?

-What about me?

Are you seeing anyone?

Probably... probably not for very long.

Interesting? Handsome?

Yeah.

Smooth or hairy?

Sally, I can't talk about this just now.

-Oh, no!

-What?

-No, that's not fair.

I dished it.

-Well, you know, it's all a bit...

-What?

Well, there've been a few developments...

Oh, Leo, you can talk to me, have a good old cry, order a pizza, knock back some beers,

-hire a hooker.

-A hooker?!

-Do us both.

You're a tart.

-Wash your mouth out.

-Party pooper. Oh, look.

Interest rates.

-Morning.

-Loft extensions...

Darling, how do you feel

about double glazing?

I feel we're going to have to mortgage the children, darling.

-What do you think?

-THEY BOTH LAUGH

Bye!

HE LAUGHS

-He fancied you rotten!

-Oh, no.

-Yes, he did.

-No, he fancied you.

-Me? No, he didn't!

He wanted to bend you over the table and have his way with you.

It's quite early. Why not come back for a glass of wine?

-Oh, no. I'd better not.

-I'll go ask the waiter.

-No. Hey, come here. I'll come back with you.

-Will you?

-Mm.

Oh, Good.

Don't worry. If you miss the last tube I'll pour you in a cab.

PASSIONATE MOANING

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

-KEITH:

-You millionaire!

I've been there and back. What about you?

Home stretch!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Damn!

They're early!

GIGGLING

The sacrifices we make for the evolution of the species.

-All right.

-I love being a woman.

Not because of you, because of me.

'That was one of the most incredible experiences I've had,'

to be completely passive,

to give myself wholeheartedly to another person, to...

to let go of all social conditioning and prejudice.

In fact, I don't think I've ever felt so close to another human being in my entire life.

Wow.

You know, in a funny way,

the experience has taught me something about women, too.

I know that may sound absurd

but...I feel closer to women in a way now.

Am I making any sense?

You're making a whole lot of sense.

-Remember?

-How do you remember that?

Do you not?

You're lovely, you know that?

Are you flirting with me?

I'm not sure. Am I?

I don't know.

But it makes me feel a lot better.

That's good.

I remember something else you said later on.

Mmm?

You said the chemistry is not right. Do you remember that?

Mm-hmm.

It always...

struck me as strange, because...

although we we were incompatible in certain...

very important ways...

-I always thought the one thing we had was...

-was chemistry.

So, why did you say that?

I don't know.

I mean, I thought, if we...

went the whole hog,

then, you know, we'd be in love and I'd still be queer...

You know? That would have been...

What?

Well, dishonest.

Dishonest?

-I so wish you'd been my first time with a man.

-I wish you'd been

MY first time with a man!

SHE LAUGHS

-You know who was?

-No. Who?

-Come on.

-Michael Weeks.

Michael Weeks?

-MY first time was with Michael Weeks!

-No!

-No.

Oh, God!

You didn't leave me with...

-a lot of options.

-No.

I was just scared.

Yeah.

-Sally?

-Mmm.

Would you be really shocked if I said I'd like to kiss you?

Yeah.

So keep your filthy homosexual hands off me.

Come on, then.

-Can I ask a question?

-Yeah.

Erm,

does it hurt?

Well, yeah. It felt a bit funny at first, you know,

but after a bit you loosen up

and then you get to like it, and before you know where you are you...

can't get enough of it.

Excellent.

-'Well, where is he?

-Leo? No idea. I don't know.'

-Can I say something?

-Yes, of course.

It's not about homosexuality, so maybe you won't be interested.

-Of course we are.

-You're safe here. You're loved.

Yeah, but that is just it.

I don't want to be loved, not by by MEN.

All right.

All right.

Would you like to be...liked?

I think what I'd really like now

is just...

to leave.

-Now, you know...

-Get...

I think it will make me feel a lot better.

I'll see myself out.

Interesting choice.

I'm sorry. I can't...

I can't do it.

-I'm sorry.

-What?

Is this all my fault?

I don't know. I don't know.

Look...

I'm sorry. OK?

Leo, you're an adult. You can do as you please.

Sally, I know that.

Look, I'm sorry, OK?

I'll... I'll call you, OK?

You cook it for 20 minutes and it turns into spaghetti.

Oh, pull the other one!

It turns into bloody spaghetti!

Leo, please. Back me up on this.

Guys, look, I was wondering...

What, Leo?

If I kissed a woman, you know, properly,

-would that make me a hetty?

-Don't be absurd.

-Absolutely not, no.

-Oh, good.

Not unless it gave you an erection.

Oh, my God.

-What?!

-That woman. That blonde hussy!

-What did she do to you?

-She is not a hussy.

We'll be the judge of that.

It's all our fault. I knew we shouldn't have let him get in touch with his masculine side.

Leo,

you are a HOMOsexual!

Yes. MOBILE RINGS

Expect this'll be the sex police.

Leo,

you are a strawberry blonde.

You can't go out with an ash blonde. It's not right.

I'll deal with you later.

Neither of you leave the house till I get back.

That's how I like you.

Don't you think the decor's a bit dodgy?

Oh, bugger the decor.

As long as it does it for you.

Now you're completely in my power.

Gosh, Jeremy, you could do anything to me. What are you going to do?

I'd be completely unable to escape.

Do you know what? I haven't decided yet.

But there's one thing I do know.

And what's that?

I want you stark, bollock naked.

Oh, my goodness me.

Oh, not my Calvins!

Oh, stop squealing, you little tart. Want the neighbours to hear?

I feel completely exposed.

That's what I like to see.

Now, what if I was to...

tweak your nipple just a little bit?

Ow. HE GROWLS

You like that, don't you? Do you want me to do it a bit harder?

Oh, have mercy.

< You don't deserve mercy.

I hope you'll be gentle. You know how huge you are.

Am I huge?

Yes, you're huge.

- Say it. - I just did.

- Say it again. - You're huge.

And again. You're...

CLUNK What was that?

Stay here.

OK.

Someone's here. You're not serious!

I thought they'd gone away!

She said she was going to.

Well, get me out of these fucking cuffs!

Can't find the fucking key!

Excuse me.

Jeremy!

Jeremy!

Who the hell are you?

# Oh, happy birthday, dear Geraldine!

# Congratulations, you're seventeen. #

I'm not Geraldine and it's not my birthday.

Isn't it?

But this is 25 Sheldrake Avenue?

No. This is 23 Sheldrake Avenue.

Oh, God! How appallingly embarrassing.

I'm an S-and-M-ogram

and I've obviously got the wrong house. No!

Don't I know you?

< I hope not.

Aaargh!

It wasn't my idea. I'm going out with a sex maniac.

It could happen to any of us.

ANGELA OVER INTERCOM: 'Hello?'

Ang, it's me. You've got to come down.

'Oh...'

What's the matter with you? Where are your keys?

I don't know. Something terrible's happened.

Oh, not now. I'm making lasagne.

Don't abandon me in my hour of need! We've got to go and see Leo.

What difference will it make if I'm there?

He won't kill me.

God! All right.

I'll have to go and change. Embarrassing.

OK, I'll wait here.

I can't go in. I can't face him.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Ang has got something to tell you.

Dan has something to tell you.

Leo...

-Who's that?

-Who, Adam?

He's sex on legs.

Leo, let's talk.

Now, go easy on him. It could have happened to any of us.

What have you done?

What is it?

If I'd done something really, really, really bad...

I'm Angie.

You must be Adam.

At your service.

SHE GIGGLES

Has er...

something happened?

< Oh. Well, Dan has done something very bad

and he's worried Leo will throw him out.

Is that fish paste?

Yeah, it is, actually. It's all I've got, I'm afraid.

I adore fish paste.

You do?

Mmm.

That's it.

What do you mean, that's it?

-You'll see.

-What are you going to do?

-Sort my life out.

Can I come, too?

Don't hate me, Leo. I was in love.

-I don't hate you.

-I'm not in love any more, though.

Why am I always the one waiting for everyone else to sort themselves out?

-I don't know.

-I sit at home, twiddling my thumbs,

while you're out there, getting your hands dirty, taking risks.

Gherkins, olives, sun-dried tomatoes...

Leo. Darren.

What are you doing here?

I can't do this any more.

I have to tell her.

Whoa. Don't you think we ought to discuss this first?

-Hi, Sally.

-Hi.

Darren, could you erm...

Sally, this thing

that I've got to tell you.

Leo,

-this isn't a good time.

-You know each other?

-No.

-Yes, we do.

Don't.

I think, if Leo has something to say, he should say it.

Thank you. Right. The other night,

yeah? You know, when we were...

-on the floor?

-On the floor?

-What were you doing?

-Snogging.

Don't look so shocked. We were just giving it a go.

-Leo, can we discuss this elsewhere?

-Yeah.

-Sorry, sorry.

-It's OK.

I know I'm a little bit daft...

Look, one thing at a time, OK?

Right. The reason I didn't sleep with you is...

-..I've been having an affair with Brendan.

-Right.

Yeah. And...

I felt guilty.

You know?

And I felt confused...

and...

that's it.

I was wondering how long it was going to take you to tell me.

You knew?

How could you know?