Man on the Moon

This film contains very strong language.

-STRANGE FOREIGN ACCENT

-Hello. I am...Andy

and I would like to thank you for coming to my movie.

I wish it was...better...

you know, but...

..it is so stupid, is terrible.

I do not even like it.

All of the most important things in my life are changed around

and mixed up for...

um...

dra-matic purposes.

So...

I decided to cut out

all of the baloney.

Now the movie... is...much shorter.

In fact...

this is the end of the movie.

Thank you very much.

I am not kidding.

Goodbye.

Go.

TRADITIONAL END-CREDIT MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC BUILDS UP TO A CRESCENDO AND ENDS

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

MUSIC ENDS AGAIN

SCRATCHES RECORD

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

MUSIC STOPS

-AMERICAN ACCENT

-Wow. You're still here!

OK!

I hope you're not upset.

I did that to get rid of those folks who just wouldn't understand me

and don't even want to try!

Actually, the movie is really great!

It's just filled with colourful characters, like the one I just did.

And the one I'm doing now.

Our story begins...

MUSIC PLAYS

..back in Great Neck, Long Island.

This is our house.

And that's my father's old car.

That's my father.

That's my little brother, Michael, and my little sister, Carol.

And that's my mom, Janice.

Andy's up in his room?

Yeah.

MUFFLED VOICES

ANDY IS ACTING A ROLE

Andy!

Son...

this has got to stop.

Our house is not a television station. There's not a camera in that wall. This is not healthy.

-You should be outside playing sports.

-I have my own sport show.

-You know that's not what I meant.

I'm going to put my foot down. No more playing alone.

-You want to perform, you've got to have an audience.

-They're right there!

-That is plaster.

An audience is made of people, people who live and breathe.

Andy Kaufman presents... the animal song!

Now I'm going to sing the animal. You tell me what it says, OK?

OK.

# Oh, the cow goes...

# Moo!

# And the cat goes...

# Miaow! Miaow!

# And the bird goes... #

-Tweet-tweet.

-Tweet-tweet.

# And the lion goes... #

Roar!

-# And the dog goes... #

-(Woof.)

-# And the cat goes... #

-Miaow.

-# And the bird goes... #

-(Tweet.)

# And the pig goes... #

Oink.

# And that's the way it goes. #

The comedy of Andy Kaufman,

-ladies and gentlemen.

-Thank you.

So, Mr Besserman, same spot tomorrow?

I don't know, Andy. I think I have to let you go.

You're firing me?

You...you don't need to pay me.

Look, your act is like amateur hour.

You're doing sing-alongs for six-year-olds and puppets that aren't funny playing records?!

It's totally original. No-one's ever done it. I'm not like everyone else.

-Everybody else gets this place cooking.

-It WAS. A man over here was really upset.

Yeah, he left, so did a lot of other people. I can't sell booze...

-It's about booze. It's not about comedy...

-I can't sell booze...

-You just want to sell booze.

-That's all that matters!

-I'm running a business here. It's show business. Show...business.

Without the business, there's no show. There's no show for you.

-What do you want me to do? "Take my wife, please"?

-Try some jokes,

-like, "Why did the Siamese twins go to England?"

-I don't know.

So the other one could drive.

Why doesn't the other one just let her drive?

Maybe that one isn't for you, but do jokes about the traffic, do impressions,

maybe some blue material.

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Good night.

-Now...

-SOMEONE CLAPS BRIEFLY

-FOREIGN ACCENT:

-Thank you very much.

One thing I do not like is...

is too much traffic.

You know?

Tonight...I had to come from...

..er...

..and the freeway...

it was so much traffic.

It took me an hour and a half to get here.

But...

but talking about the terrible things,

my wife...

take my wife, please, take her!

-HE BRAYS

-No, no, I was only kidding.

I love my wife.

But she don't know how to cook.

Her cooking is so bad.

It's terrible.

Now I would like to...

I would like to do for you...

imitations.

I would like to start

with...

Jimmy Carter,

the President of the United States.

-SAME VOICE

-Hello. I am Jimmy Carter...

the President of the United States.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.

Now I would like to do for you...

the...

Elvis Presley.

MUSIC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss

# Well, it's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready

# Now go, cat, go Now don't you step on my blue suede shoes

# You can do anything, but lay off of my blue suede shoes. #

Let's go!

-What?

-What's the story with this guy?

-I think he's from Lithuania.

# Blue, blue, blue suede shoes

# Blue, blue, blue suede shoes Blue, blue, blue suede shoes

# Blue, blue, blue suede shoes

# You can do anything but lay off of my blue suede shoes

# While we're dancing... #

APPLAUSE DROWNS WORDS

# A-a-all right

# All right! #

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

-FOREIGN ACCENT:

-Thank you very much.

Hey, I really enjoyed your set. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I liked what you did out there.

-AS FOREIGN MAN:

-Thank you very much.

-So, I understand you're from Lithuania.

-No.

I am from Caspiar.

Caspiar?

It is a very small island in the Caspian Sea.

It sunk.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Um...

Look, I'm probably out of my mind, but I think you're very interesting

and if you ever need representation, we should talk.

OK.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Mr Shapiro!

Wow.

This is an honour, sir.

Caspiar, huh?

I want to be the biggest star in the world.

-Well, people love comedians.

-I'm not a comedian.

I don't even know what's funny. I'm a song and dance man. Thank you.

I particularly suggest the lotus root.

Um...

you...you show a lot of promise, son.

My concern is... I don't know where to book you.

You're not a stand-up...

and your act doesn't exactly translate itself to films, so...

..um...

Help me. Where do you see yourself?

Well, I've always wanted to play Carnegie Hall.

That's funny.

See, I don't want to go for cheap laughs.

I want real gut reaction.

I want the audience to have gone through an experience. They love me, they hate me, they walk out - great.

-Andy, you got a...

-Hm?

Oh.

When I'm famous, I'm gonna sell these, as worn by Andy Kaufman.

-Hah!

-You can have this one.

It's probably gonna be worth a lot because it was actually up my nose!

Hah! You're insane!

But you might also be brilliant.

Hello. George Shapiro here.

-NASAL BARK:

-Wah...yeah!

-Is that George Shapiro?

-Yeah. Speaking.

Speaking. Reeking, seeking, creaking, freaking!

-Tell me something I don't know, toadstool!

-Can I help you?

-Yeah. Stay away from Andy Kaufman, if you know what's good for you.

-Who is this?

Do not twist my nose!

My name's Tony Clifton. A name to respect, a name to fear!

Kaufman is a lying bastard! He is a psychopath!

Now slowly open your eyes.

You should feel rested, relaxed and alert.

I would like to thank you... your Holiness.

My heart is radiating pure energy.

OK?

Oh, no, wait.

I'm sorry.

I have a question.

Is there...?

Is there a secret...to being funny?

MUTED LAUGHTER

Yes.

Silence.

BAND PLAYS AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER

Welcome back to Saturday Night Live and, as a special treat on our first show, musical guest Andy Kaufman!

What's wrong with this guy?

It's dead air.

BAND PLAYS ROUSING INTRO

# Mister Trouble never hangs around

# When he hears this Mighty sound

-HE LIP-SYNCHS:

-# Here I come to save the day!

-LOUD LAUGHTER

# That means that Mighty Mouse is on his way

# Yes, sir, when there is a wrong to right Mighty Mouse will join the fight

# On the sea or on the land

# He gets the situation well in hand

# So though we are in danger We never despair

# Cos we know that where there's danger, he is there!

# He is there! On the land! On the sea! In the air!

# We're not worryin' at all

# We're just listenin' for his call...

-#

-Here I come to save the day!

-LAUGHTER

# That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way! #

Mr Kaufman?

-Oh.

-Hi. Right this way, please.

-OK.

-George is expecting you.

Hey, Andy!

-Thanks for coming out.

-Oh, thank YOU, George.

-Sit down.

-OK.

-Oh, wow...which one?

-Either one.

-They're both red.

-Yeah.

Um...this one, I guess.

-So, did you have a nice flight?

-I did. I had a really good flight.

-The stewardess was very, very nice and she allowed me to keep my headphones.

-Terrific!

-Yeah.

-Andy?

-Uh-huh?

-I got something better.

-You do?

-Yeah.

-This is big.

-OK.

OK.

You're getting a once in a lifetime very lucrative opportunity

to star on a primetime network sitcom!

A sitcom?

Yeah.

This is a class act.

It all takes place in a taxi stand.

And you're gonna be the Fonzie.

Fonzie?

No, no, no. No, no, no.

THE Fonzie. The crazy break-out character all the kids imitate

-and they put 'em on their lunchboxes.

-I hate sitcoms, George.

These guys have seen your foreign character and they want to turn him

into...

a lovable, goofy mechanic

named...

..Latka.

Oh!

No.

-No?

-No.

-No to which part?

-No to the whole thing. Doesn't sound good to me.

-Andy, this is every comedian's dream!

-I'm not a comedian, George.

And sitcoms are the lowest form of entertainment.

I mean, it's just...stupid jokes and canned laughter and you don't know why it's there, but it's there!

It's dead people laughing, did you know that?

Andy, this is classy!

I don't care. I want to generate my own material.

Look, look, listen, listen to me. I've been in this business for 20 years, Andy!

I know. I've seen this. I know this.

If you pass up this opportunity, you will NEVER, never see another one like it again.

Never!

OK.

-I'll do it.

-Fine.

-But I have some terms.

-Fine.

That's what negotiations are all about.

What are you doing?

Writing up the terms.

What, are you making fun of me?!

-Those are my terms.

-This is ridiculous.

-It's what I need to do the show.

-Four guaranteed guest spots for Tony Clifton? Who's Tony Clifton?

-He's a Vegas lounge singer.

I used to do impressions of him and sort of got into a fight over it.

-This Clifton called me!

-He did?

-He's a loon!

-He hates you.

-No. he just talks tough, but I owe him.

If I'm the new Fonz, then ABC is just gonna have to give me what I want!

Hey-y-y-y!

Mr Kaufman will only appear in half the episodes of Taxi.

Mr Kaufman requires an undisturbed 90 minutes of meditation prior to filming.

Mr Kaufman gets his own network special.

And Taxi must guarantee four guest appearances

for Tony Clifton.

Who?

Tony Clifton.

Who the hell is Tony Clifton?

I don't know.

And now...Mama Rivoli's is proud to present...

an international singing sensation.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr TONY CLIFTON!

DRUM ROLL

APPLAUSE

DISTANT ANGRY SHOUTING

DRUM ROLL STOPS

Ladies and gentlemen,

due to Mr Clifton's vocal constraints,

-out of respect for him, he asks you to please extinguish your cigars and cigarettes.

-I paid 10 for that!

Sorry.

And now...

ladies and gentlemen, Mr Entertainment,

Tony CLIFTON!

BAND PLAYS

# Vo-o-o-o-o...

# o-o-o-o-o-o...

# ..lare

# Whoa, whoa

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Cantare, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

# No wonder my happy heart sings

# Your love has given me wings

# I got the wings on my bum

# I got...

# wings... #

I got the chicken wings from Kentucky Fried.

Whoop-de-doo, whoop-de-dy... Stick a needle in your eye!

I play a lot of the big show rooms in Vegas.

I need this place like I need a shotgun blast to the face.

Let's go down, meet some of the audience.

How ya doin'? Where you from?

Ya, ya, ya, ya!

Somebody's wearin' a lot of perfume around here! Must be that time of the month.

Huh?

I know all the tricks. Now how ya doin'? Enjoying that pasta carbonara?

Looks as if you are. Look out! I think you sat on some cottage cheese!

-Pardon me. That's your ass.

-Dah!

-Thank you.

Oh, whoa-oa-oa-oa!

How are you? Are you enjoying the show?

-Yeah.

-Uh?

-Yeah.

-What's your name?

-Bob.

Bob?

HE SNARLS

What's your last name? Up and down in the water?

Huh?

Gorsky.

-Gorsky?

-Mm-hm.

-That Polish?

Yeah.

-You trying to do us some Polish humour.

-No, that's...

-Shut up!

-That's just my name.

-SHUT UP! I think them dumb Polacks have been ridiculed enough!

I do a clean show act.

You want to see some humour? Here's some humour. Right there, OK?

Just sit down. Enjoy that, OK?

And you! The pair of you! I'll see you backstage, baldy.

VO-O-O-O...

-MUSIC STARTS

-# ..lare! #

What do you want?

Just a little friendly conversation, George.

Are you hungry?

Oh...

You...you...

INCOHERENT SONG

I don't understand this act.

Good, old-fashioned entertainment, George. Everyone loves a villain.

-But what about that poor schlub you humiliated?

-Excellent show.

That was a great show. ..George?

-This is my writer and old friend Bob Zmuda.

-George. Hi. I'm Bob.

-Very creative.

-I'm the brains behind this operation.

He once faked a lion escaping from Chicago zoo.

This was fantastic, George. We got 40 actors and they're all tearing through the zoo.

"There's a lion!"

Your name's not Gorsky.

Don't believe everything you hear, George.

This cannot leave this room. Do not write this down. OK?

Tony Clifton is Andy Kaufman.

And Andy Kaufman is Tony Clifton.

They'll deny it up and down, but it's true.

This is great business. You get two Andy Kaufmans for the price of one.

HE LAUGHS

Andy!

-Andy!

-What's up?

-They said yes. You're getting everything. Everything!

Bonus.

-Thank you very much.

-It was so good.

-I have to do Taxi, don't I?

-You gotta do Taxi. OK.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Happy time for Latka.

Not until you take off those overalls.

Latka, Latka, listen to me!

There's a drug in those cookies.

No-o?!

No!

"TAXI" THEME PLAYS

Bed?

I have never been so emotional in all my life.

And this is from my mother! And this is from my father! And this is from my grandfather!

I hope you have a small family.

RHYTHMIC CHANTING

LATKA SPEAKS IN HIS NATIVE LANGUAGE

Oh!

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

-I'm gonna quit.

-What?

-Every show's worse than the last one.

-40 million people are watching every week.

-What do they know?

Absolutely nothing, and that's the beauty. Look, it's credibility.

You make them love you NOW and then later on, on your special,

you can fuck with their heads. The sky is the limit.

Oh, yeah? I don't care! >

Sir, there's a problem down on the Kaufman special. He's not following the technical requirements.

Technical?

-- Thanks for coming on my show. - Thanks for having me on your show, Andy.

-Hold it!

-It's my special! I have creative control. Now roll it!

-No.

Do it.

Hi.

Only positive energy allowed.

I've been hearing fabulous things about the special.

-Did we hit a little speed bump?

-Mm-hm. And his name is Colin.

-Kid genius told me to mess with the vertical hold.

-Show me.

Show him, Colin.

Thanks for having me on your show, Andy.

ANDY LAUGHS

It'll be great!

People will think their TV is broken and they'll get out of their chairs, twist the knob,

call the TV store, "Hey, I paid a lot of money for that TV." They'll bang on the television.

Andy...

we don't want the viewers to get out of their chairs.

But it's funny!

It's a practical joke.

The viewer must be able to see the programme.

But it's only going to be for 30 seconds.

Five.

Twenty.

Ten.

Deal.

OK, Andy, ten seconds, huh?

-Ten seconds, OK.

-OK.

-OK.

-Ten seconds.

-Ten seconds is perfect.

I've been watching you since I was a little boy...

Look at how cute he is. Great!

They prefer music.

This is not funny.

This is artsy-fartsy shit. I mean...

This is the magical part of the show. The show's not all like this. It's hysterical. It's very funny.

-For Christ sakes, we're the number-one network. Can't we afford decent TV?

-That's part of the show.

-This is part of the show?

-Yes.

-What do you mean?

That's the way Andy wants it to roll.

'Yes, Andy, I love you, too.'

Tell Kaufman this network will never have this programme.

That's him - Kaufman.

Want a bet?

Hey! Hey!

Excuse me. Are you Andy Kaufman?

I get that all the time.

Andy!

This is ridiculous. Take off that apron.

No. I'd rather work here than at ABC.

I'm sorry. They're assholes. In a creative business, there's no telling what people will like.

The only reason why I did Taxi was so that I could have my own special.

I know. I'll tell you what.

Let me book you into some colleges and I'll take the special around, see if anybody wants to buy it.

-No. Like a garage sale. No, I'm over now.

-You're not over now.

-I am.

-You can't be over now.

-I am.

-You've got a deal with ABC!

-All right, how much longer is left on my contract?

-You signed for five years.

-Four years and seven months.

-Oh!

MUSIC PLAYS

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Thank you.

It's really great to be here. We're gonna have a great show tonight.

A really good one!

We're gonna start by singing some songs.

-Do Latka.

-What?

-Yeah! Latka!

Latka!

Wait...

AUDIENCE SCREAMS FOR LATKA

THEY CHANT "LATKA! LATKA!"

Excuse me for one second.

Latka!

-I saw that.

-What?

-Give me the book. What book? I need the book.

-No.

-Something wrong?

-No.

-Can I squeeze your nuts?

-Oh!

Thanks.

They're asking for it.

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, since you're such a...

-special audience...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yeah!

I'm going to reveal for the very first time ever...

the real me. That's right.

-POSH ENGLISH ACCENT

-I'm actually British.

LAUGHTER

And though I dabble in clowning, I do find it so boorish, so...American.

I prefer the fine arts.

Henceforth today I'm going to grace you with a reading of one of the greatest novels ever written,

The Great Gatsby by F Scott Fitzgerald.

Please.

"In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice

"that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.

-"Whenever you feel like criticising anyone, remember that people..."

-LATKA! LATKA!

"..we've always been communicable in a reserved way and I understood that he meant a great deal more..."

AUDIENCE IS SHOUTING FOR LATKA

LAUGHTER

-AS LATKA:

-Thank you very much.

"In consequence, I'm inclined to reserve all judgements,

-BOOING

-"a habit that has opened up many curious natures to me and also..."

Latka!

Now, now! Now, now! Please, keep it down. I've got a long way to go.

-"..the same sort of people..."

-BOOING

-Would you rather I kept reading, or do you prefer to hear the phonograph record?

-Record!

-I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

-RECORD!

-Are you positive?

-YES!

-Very well, then.

"Perhaps his presence gave the evening its peculiar quality..."

READING CONTINUES ON RECORD

"Year by year, received before us...

-"Tomorrow..."

-CLEARS HIS THROAT

"Tomorrow, we will run faster,

"stretch our arms out further

"and one fine morning...

"so we beat on,

"boats against the current,

"borne back ceaselessly...

"into the past."

The end.

All right!

You want to play Arizona State, you give them Mighty Mouse or Elvis.

I gave them The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald's best work.

-A classic.

-His finest piece of work.

-I don't care.

Andy... Andy, you have to look inside and ask this question -

who are you trying to entertain - the audience or yourself?

Excuse me.

-Bob?

-George...

-I'm worried about him.

His stress level's affecting his work.

Calm down! That's not going to help anything.

Look, Tony Clifton is going to go on Taxi next week.

That should let him blow off steam and relieve the stress.

Bob, Andy needs to relax.

This is your job. You have to take him away from all this.

Would you come on? Come on!

Sh!

-Hey, how you doing?

-Fine.

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-How are you?

-Peachy.

Oh.

What do we do now?

Now you pick.

What if I hurt somebody's feelings?

You're not going to hurt anybody's feelings.

-They're all professionals. OK?

-OK.

Which one?

I will have BOTH!

I will have this fraulein and the one with the big strudels.

Schnell!

Oh, no! Smooth, I'm going to kill you!

Excellent choice.

Hi.

Are you having a good day?

It's a big day. It's my buddy's first time with a prostitute.

What are you talking about? Andy comes here almost every weekend.

Who...Andy?!

He doesn't always call himself that.

Sometimes he's Tony and he wears a tux.

Hey...

if..if I gave you both 300,

would you...

..come to Hollywood and help me destroy a TV show?

500.

BANGING

Who am I, Harry Houdini? Huh?

I bust it through. Come on, girls.

Welcome to the phoney free jam!

OK, here's the man - Tony Clifton!

Just the factsy, Maxy. Hey, hotshot! How you doing?

-Very good...

-Take a hike, punk! All right!

-What are we doing, huh?

-Here's your script.

-That's the script I was given?

-Yeah.

-That's what I have to do?

-OK. Let me see.

-Right.

-Bullshit...bullshit...my line.

Bullshit...bullshit...my line.

That's hilarious! That is hilarious!

-I reviewed that script last night and I was not satisfied.

-Well...

I was not satisfied.

-Why don't we...?

-I made a few changes. I stayed up all night with these sweet ladies.

-Can we get to work?

-A hot dame.

And this is Melonia. How's my little prose department?

Parp-parp!

This is the new Taxi theme song.

# Oh, yes, we drive a taxi

# Ahhhhhhhh

# Agh-agh-agh... #

George...

..I can't afford to blow this whole episode.

We have to let him go.

-I'm not sure how Andy'll take this.

-We'll just have to tell him.

But...but that's Tony down there. It's not Andy.

I don't give a fuck who that is - I'm going to fire him.

OK. All right. But we better warn Andy first.

He's up in San Francisco. I'll call his secretary.

Diane, this is George.

I'm trying to reach Andy up in San Francisco.

I'll wait.

-Hello?

-Andy! I'm gonna put you on the speaker.

-Andy!

-Hello!

-Hi!

I'm here with Ed over at Taxi.

-Hi, Ed.

-Hi, Andy.

-How are you?

-Fine.

-Andy, there's been some trouble with Tony.

-Oh, no! Did he get hurt?

-No - it's nothing like that.

-Did he hurt someone else?

-No.

It's not that. Andy, the reason I'm calling you like this

is I have the utmost respect for your artistry...

I have always appreciated that, Ed.

Thank you.

But, in this instance, I have to ask your permission to fire Tony.

Oh, my!

George, this is going to kill Tony. He's waited for this his whole life.

-There'll be other shots.

-We have to. He's a terrible actor.

OK. But please let him down gently.

Trust us.

FUCK YOU! I'M NOT GOING!

We had a deal.

I know who you talked to. You got someone else.

I was talking to Andy Kaufman.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Andy Kaufman!

Security, get in here!

-Security!

-You want to arrest him!

Don't hurt him! He's a delicate man!

Please leave the set.

Hey! Give me that!

If you guys ever go to Vegas, you're not getting in!

Come here! Give me that!

Give me that camera!

I got 20 bucks says you work for me! I'd like to use a phone!

Not on the lot, sir.

How about a bathroom? I may have shit my pants.

-Drink of water?

-No.

-Aspirin?

-No.

-Wash towelette?

In that case, it has been an honour. And good day!

Great!

This is too much, man! It makes Tony real.

It's good for his career, George.

Oh, really! You want to book Tony Clifton at Harrah's Tahoe?

The college kids really like Andy Kaufman.

No, wait - let me be really clear about this.

If you book Tony, do not expect to get Andy.

I'll take my chances, all right.

All right. Be my guest. Book him.

Shut up!

-MURMUR OF VOICES

-Shut the hell up!

If you make one more sound I'll come down and put your head in the soup.

If I go like this, it means I expect total silence.

There is an artiste on stage.

That's better!

# Whether I'm right

# Or whether I'm wrong

# Whether I find a place in this world

# Or never belong

# I've got to be me

# I've gotta be me

# Willing to try to do it or die! #

Thank you very much.

Thank you. I do all my own stunts.

Wow!

# ..I've got to be... #

What the hell's going on? Kaufman!

# Oooooh...! #

HE SINGS GIBBERISH

Kaufman's crapping on my act!

HE SINGS GIBBERISH

Where's it say Kaufman plays drums?!

May I borrow this for a second?

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-Now you are all wet, huh?

You looked like you could use a little drink.

Go on! Get out of here!

AUDIENCE BOOS

Andy!

# I've got to be... #

Oh, all right!

Wowowowowow!

AUDIENCE JEERS

Close the goddamn door! Close it!

Oh! Look at you! You're so proud!

You're like some stupid kid who comes home from school -

"Look, Dad! I got an F."

But wasn't it funny?

Yes, it was funny, Andy.

It was.

Yes, it was funny for a little while, until the audience realised that Tony wasn't you.

So what do you have here? Some big elaborate joke that's only funny

to two people in the Universe - you and you.

Sure. And we think it's hilarious.

-Agh!

-Agh!

-Agh!

-Agh!

-What's the point? What is the point?

-It's fun, George.

How's this going to make you the biggest star in the world?

George, at this point the audience expects me to completely shock them all the time,

but short of faking my own death or setting the theatre on fire,

I don't know what to do. I've got to be one step ahead.

Ohh!

-It's like ballet.

-Oh!

-You see that?

-Bam!

These guys are brilliant. I wanna be a bad-guy wrestler.

I hate to break it to you but you don't have the build for it,

the look for it. These guys are huge. They would kick your ass.

Maybe I can pick on someone a little smaller than me.

'No, no -'

women are superior to men in many ways.

-CHEERS

-That's right.

When it comes to cooking and cleaning and washing the potatoes,

making the babies, mopping the floors, they have it all over men.

I believe that. But when it comes to wrestling... Shut up!

Be quiet when the man is talking!

AUDIENCE BOOS

If there is a woman here tonight who can prove me wrong

I will shut my mouth and pay her 500.

First come, first served!

You want to take Andy? Come on!

-What's your name?

-My name's Lynne.

-You're pathetic! You're pathetic!

-We'll see about that, Susie Q!

No kicking, biting, punching, scratching. Do you understand?

-He's going to play fair?

-I'm not concerned with him.

-It's up to you to pin me.

-I understand!

-Shake hands!

In your corners. Come out wrestling when you hear the bell.

You see? You see this?

No choke hold!

Come on!

Ow!

Break it up!

First warning! You pulled her hair!

-You want me to give you a second warning?

-Shut up!

I am the champion!

One, two,

three!

-Over! It is over!

-Loser!

You are out! You are down!

Winner and undisputed intergender wrestling champion of the world!

AUDIENCE BOOS

Andy Kaufman!

I am the winner. I've got the brains.

HE CLUCKS LIKE CHICKEN

Ma'am! Here is your complimentary photo of Merv

-and your Turtle Wax.

-I don't want it.

-Everyone gets it.

-And here is your gift voucher to Red Lobster.

-Thanks.

I wanted to thank you for doing such a great job. I really appreciate it.

-Don't patronise me.

-Wait!

-What?

-I hope you don't take everything I did seriously.

It was just part of the show.

It's like the carnival barker who'd get the crowd all riled up.

So you just pretend to be an asshole?

That's what I'm good at.

Yeah, you are.

You are really, really good at it.

He got 2,000 pieces of hate mail.

Don't make me laugh, George!

Andy, Merv does not get hate mail.

That means we were a success.

We've got them all worked up - like punk rock.

Andy - they detest you!

Next time you make an appearance, women are going to picket.

-You think so?

-Yes!

Because you have not given them any clues that this is a parody.

That's because I've only done it once. They'll get used to it cos I'm going to do it again and again.

# Rose Marie

# I love you

# I'll always really love you

# No matter what I do

# I can't forget you

# Sometimes I wish that I'd never met you

# And if I should lose you

# It would mean my very life to me

# Of all the queens that ever lived

# I'd choose you

# To rule me, my Rose Marie. #

Two adults, please. Thank you.

-Do you want some popcorn?

-No, thank you.

-I really want one.

A large tub of popcorn, please - extra butter.

So why did you call me? You were the last person I expected to call me.

Gosh, gee, Lynne, I was just so impressed with your wrestling moves.

You were impressed with something.

-You had a huge boner on national television.

-Oh, man!

-You did!

I had it taped down and everything. I hope I didn't offend you.

-I'm here, aren't I?

-Hey!

-What?

-Want to go to Memphis and get married?

Do I want to go to Memphis and get married?

Mm-hm.

Why Memphis?

Because Memphis is the wrestling capital of the world.

I'll get in the ring and say I'll marry the first woman who beats me. You'll get up, and we'll wrestle.

-I'll let you win.

-Yeah?

-I'll let you win.

Then we'll run off and get married on the David Letterman Show.

-God!

-OK?

What do you say?

Is this for real?

SHUT UP!

-AUDIENCE JEERS AND BOOS

-SHUT UP!

I DEMAND SILENCE WHEN I AM TALKING!

A total lack of respect from Mr Hollywood...

If there is one woman here who thinks she can defeat me,

that lucky little lady will get to marry me!

What kind of man would wrestle a woman anyway?

Kaufman!

Kaufman!

I'll take you on, you sissy!

Oh! The little lady is upset!

Go back to the kitchen where you belong before you get hurt. OK?

No, Kaufman, you get in the kitchen. I'm going to make you DO MY DISHES!

Stop it! Stop it! This woman is a fake!

She's nothing more than Andy Kaufman's girlfriend.

AUDIENCE BOOS There you go!

That's not true!

That's not true! That is not true!

This is all a set up, Kaufman!

-I won't let you make fools out of all these people.

-Who are you?

I'm Jerry Lawler - the king of Memphis wrestling!

He's the king!

Hey, Kaufman, if you want to wrestle somebody,

I've brought a real wrestler. She's trained and she's ready.

Let's see if you can handle Foxy Jackson!

Oh, my! Foxy Jackson!

And Andy Kaufman right here!

I never agreed to this! I will not do this!

I did not agree to this! This is against the rules!

I don't think Kaufman's prepared for Foxy Jackson.

Mr Hollywood.

Again, Kaufman's showing a total lack of respect.

Foxy Jackson's going to take Kaufman to the woodshed, folks.

CHEERS

Kaufman's hanging on the ropes like a little baby.

Foxy's about to take Kaufman right out of his shorts.

-One, two, three!

-The son of a gun!

You want to get off her.

Get him off her!

There goes the king. The king just threw Kaufman down like a rag doll.

The king took matters into his own hands.

What are you doing?! I do not wrestle men. I'll sue you, Lawler!

I am a national TV star!

I don't like dumb, stupid crackers in the ring, pushing me around.

I did not agree to wrestle YOU! This is assault and battery!

I am gonna get a team of lawyers to sue you and your children and your children's children...

Let me tell you something, Kaufman. Wrestling is a serious sport to me.

I don't appreciate some jerk like you trying to make fun of it,

or making fun of people from the South. So we can go to court,

-or you can get in the ring with a man and wrestle for real.

-Oh!

-SOUTHERN ACCENT:

-You wanna wrastle me Memphis-style?

I'll tell you something, Mr Lawler - I'll make you scream for mercy.

-They didn't know what hit them!

-Is it an act?

Is it an act, or are you just addicted to causing trouble?

I can quit any time I want, baby!

You know what? I'm not a prop. Don't ever treat me like that again.

I'm sorry. Hey!

Hey, I just get caught up, that's all.

Sometimes I get...lost.

-Please, enough with the wrestling.

-You don't think I can beat him?

He's the Southern Heavyweight Champion! He'll kill you!

I don't know. I've wrestled women bigger than him and mopped the floor with them.

Yeah. First you piss off women,

then you piss off the South, you get killed and I did the booking!

It's funny. Listen, I got this job that I want you to take.

It's guest-hosting a TV show Fridays. It's not a great TV show, but it'll be good for you.

It's live, they'll give you carte blanche, and you can get back in the business of making people laugh.

-You said live?

-Live.

-I don't do drug humour.

-Andy, it's fine. This is what this show is about. Kids love this stuff.

I don't do drugs and I don't enjoy making light of them.

I was promised creative control.

Nobody promised you creative control.

I got you this script three days ago and you didn't say a damn word. We go live in minutes. It's too late.

-It's on!

-'Live from Las Vegas, it's Fridays,

'With special guest star, Andy Kaufman!

'In this sketch, two married couples are out to dinner.

'Everybody has secretly brought along a joint.'

And Carl is the last one to sneak to the bathroom to get a little high.

Now, he's coming back to the table.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Gee, restaurants are amazing, aren't they?

All these strangers sitting around, stuffing dead animals into their faces!

Yeah! Gee!

And the bathrooms are so colourful...

Everything OK, Carl?

I'm sorry. I just can't do it.

I can't play stoned.

Read the cue cards.

I can't play stoned. I feel...stupid.

YOU feel stupid? What about US?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

-Andy!

-Oh!

You didn't have to do that!

Cut it out!

You jerk!

-That's it! Tony, go to commercial.

-I told you I didn't wanna do the sketch.

-Kaufman, get off my stage.

Don't you touch me! You're on national... You are a nut!

-Why does Andy do that? Why? Why?

-'I started using...'

We've gone to commercial!

-You'll never work in ABC again, ever.

-Excuse me! Ladies and gentlemen! Please!

You have all just participated in a happening.

Oh!

OK. To make it real, some of you down there knew what was going on and some of you didn't. I'm sorry.

But we don't wanna upset the folks at home,

so now Andy is going to tell them that it was all just a prank.

Coming back from commercial, and...

During the commercials, the people at ABC told me to explain to you that this whole episode was staged.

-Oh, good.

-It's a lie!

It's a cover-up! I don't understand why you're laughing. I'm not being funny. What you saw was real!

-These things happen all the time at the networks, only they cut away...

-Cut to commercial.

You see? You see?

Now they'll fire me, so if you want to see me again, come to Memphis...

-What's in Memphis?

-Our kid is totally meshugene.

'Jerry "The King" Lawler!

'The most popular athlete in the history of Memphis, Tennessee

'stepping inside the square circle.

'At 236 lbs,

'Jerry..."The King"...Lawler!

'And introducing, at 191 lbs,

'the holder of the World Intergender Championship,

'here is Andy Kaufman!

'You can hear the ovation, or lack of one, for Andy Kaufman.

'The cheers turned to jeers.

'And Lawler is gonna settle a score for each and every one of us,

'because we've all been insulted by this hideous Andy Kaufman,

'this man from Hollywood, California.'

CROWD BOOS

Before we begin this event, I just wanna say a couple of things to you disgusting people.

Aw, come on! That's just not right.

-Are you listening to me?

-No!

OK!

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is a bar of soap.

Say it with me - soap!

All you have to do is wet this bar of soap and wipe your hands with it,

and rub it on your body, and soon that disgusting, filthy dirt will come off.

Why is he saying these things?

-He's just engaging the audience, riling them up.

-They'll lynch him.

Now for lesson two.

This is toilet paper...

-'Oh, good grief!'

-Use it!

Kaufman, we've had enough of your crap. Let's wrestle right now!

'Well, the King is ready and I hope for Kaufman's sake HE'S ready.'

BELL

'Kaufman's due a trip to the old woodshed here.

'Well, I never thought I'd see the day... Look at Kaufman!

'Kaufman doesn't want any part of Lawler!

'He's an absolute embarrassment to humanity, this man from Hollywood.

-You see? I am from Hollywood!

-'Who cares?'

-I have the brains!

-'Nobody cares where you're from.'

-I'm the king, I'm the king! I'm the king of Memphis!

-Andy, please, let's go home!

-Don't worry, Mom, I'll make you proud.

'Kaufman got nailed with something. Some fan threw something...'

Don't do that!

You cannot touch me! I will sue you! I make more money in one day

than you do in your entire lives, scumbags!

Kaufman! Did you come down here to wrestle or to act like an ass?

Now get in the ring! I'll give you a free headlock, OK?

'Lawler seems to be willing to offer a free hold, or something.'

It's OK!

'Let him get in there and let's see what kind of man he is!

'I can't believe that the King is gonna go through with this.

'That bigmouth son of a gun has got a free headlock. Business may pick up!

'Look out, Kaufman!

'Oh, there he goes! Oh, my!

'Kaufman in trouble!

'Look out!

'Now the King is asking this crowd if the wanna see the pile-driver!

'That's illegal. Kaufman is out of it. Oh, my! Oh, my!

'It's gonna be a pile-driver!

'There it is!

'He's hurt bad.

'That's an automatic disqualification right there.

'Kaufman wins it, but he doesn't look like a winner right now.'

-Hey, George.

-Thanks for seeing me at such short notice.

-Yep.

I...I wanted to talk to you about putting Andy back on Saturday Night Live.

George, I don't know whether Andy works on the show any more.

I mean, the wrestling stuff is...

-Yeah...

-I think it's...

-..the wrestling we all agree completely about.

-The wrestling...

-That's smart.

-Um...

-Andy is very sincere.

-Right.

He's gonna apologise to Jerry Lawler and repent for all his bad-guy shenanigans.

I apologise for all the wrestling I've ever done

and I'm sorry for all the grief I've ever given. I was just playing bad-guy wrestler,

and it's just a role, it's not me, so I guess Jerry just, um, took it personally.

Yeah, but you said some pretty inflammatory things, obviously.

Everything's a joke to this guy. I don't know if that's a neck brace or a flea collar.

This is very serious. I was in the hospital for three days in traction.

And I'll tell you something else - my father said I could have hired a lawyer and sued you for everything,

but I didn't, because I'm not that kind of guy.

What kind of guy are you?

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

OK, well, I think maybe I'll get a lawyer.

Listen, if you were a man, you'd apologise to me right now,

but you're poor white trash so I guess that's too lofty a concept...

Are we...? Is everything...? Are you OK? Huh?

I'm sick of this shit, Lawler. I'm gonna sue you for everything you've got. Fuck you!

OK? OK, Lawler? Fuck you!

I'm sorry, David. I know I'm not supposed to say those things on TV.

I can't say those words, and I apologise. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

-But you - you are a...

-BEEP! BEEP!

-..hole! OK?

Well!

Well, I, er...

I think you can use some of those words on television.

What you can't do is throw coffee.

Some of us at Saturday Night Live think Andy Kaufman's a comic genius.

But others disagree.

They say he's just not funny any more, so we're leaving the decision up to you.

To keep Andy, call 1900 555 7618. To dump him...

This is bad.

I only got 28%.

This is Saturday Night Live, the hippest audience in television. They turned on you. Look,

it pains me to say this.

But I don't think you two guys should ever work together again.

-I'm sorry, George. We just thought it was funny.

-You don't have to be sorry, Jerry. You're terrific.

-You're just the best.

-I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

-To me, this was a shining moment for wrestling.

-Me too.

And it was a shining moment for behavioural science!

Hey, but why can't I make a gag out of this?

Maybe I could go on the show and I could say it was rigged,

and that I demand a recount.

Andy...you don't understand.

They don't want you back.

Now close your eyes.

And if the thoughts of this world come into your head, don't be upset by them.

-It's just your stress unravelling itself. Slowly come back to the mantra.

-Andy?

Please.

Just continue your meditation. I'll be back.

-Jai gurudev.

-Jai gurudev.

-Hi, Andy.

-Hi.

This is, um, very difficult for me to say.

Um, but we...

we feel...that it's best if you don't attend the retreat.

Why?

I go to the retreat every year.

Oh, I know, Andy, and we don't doubt your devotion to transcendental meditation.

-It's just that we feel that, well, you and the programme have grown apart...

-Philosophically.

-Philosophically?!

-The wrestling, the sexist remarks, the foul language...

It's not becoming of an individual of spiritual enlightenment.

-It seems you just don't respect anything.

-Of course I do!

I just...I think of the world as an illusion, and we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously.

Don't...

Don't...please, do this.

You've got to let me attend these classes. They keep me balanced.

It's apparently not working.

Then help me, help me, OK? Guide me...

Andy...we just don't wish your presence here.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi!

I brought you some Haagen-Dazs.

I don't deserve Haagen-Dazs.

I'm...

-I'm a bad person.

-Oh!

You aren't a bad person.

You are a complicated person.

You don't know the real me.

There isn't a real you!

Oh, yeah! I forgot.

(Baby.)

Do you wanna move in with me?

What? Say it again.

# Rose...Marie

# I love you

# I'm always dreami-i-in' of you... #

PHONE RINGS

I'll get it!

Kaufman and Margulies Centre for S-S-Sexual Research.

-Andy, it's George.

-Hey, George. I'm not sure we can do anything for YOU.

Uh, Andy...

-I got some crummy news.

-Oh?

Taxi's been cancelled.

And...the crummy news(?)

Y-You want me to come over, we'll talk about it?

Um, nope.

I'm sort of busy now. I'll see you next week, though. Thanks.

Yuck.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a treat for staying late. Please welcome...

from Taxi, the Improv's own Mr Andy Kaufman!

Actually, Budd, you're wrong.

I found out today that Taxi has been cancelled...

What?

..not to mention that my wife left me

and she took the kids.

I don't understand why you're laughing. I-I'm not joking.

And this morning, I got up and I noticed that I have, um...

a cyst or some kind of boil

on the back of my neck.

Look.

See?

So I was thinking that since I'm still kind of a...quasi celebrity,

that maybe I could charge people to touch it.

Would anybody like to pay a dollar to touch my cyst?

I'm serious.

-I could really use the money right now. It's a good deal.

-HE COUGHS

Oh. OK.

Oh, wait, no. You gotta pay first.

It's a dollar...

to touch my celebrity cyst.

OK...

Ow!

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Thank you very much.

W-Would, Andy...like to tell us why he called us out at four o'clock in the morning?

Um...

Yeah.

Um, I have cancer.

Forget it. FORGET it.

That is in terrible taste.

-I don't want anything to do with this. Nothing.

-No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, we can make that play.

Yeah, OK! And we'll really, we'll just drag it out.

You...you get better, you get worse.

No - you die and then, uh... you come back to life.

BOB LAUGHS It's funny.

That's funny.

But, um, it's not a gag. Bob, I got cancer.

I got lung cancer.

Lung cancer(!) That's ridiculous! You don't even smoke!

I've got some freaky, rare kind. It's called large-cell carcinoma.

Yay(!)

I'm a lucky guy(!)

-Have you told your family?

-No... No. I don't wanna tell them.

I just...

I've jerked them around so much.

Andy...

look in my eye and tell me this is true.

I'm so ashamed... I'm sorry, I'm so ashamed.

Sorry! SHE SOBS

Lynne? Come on. Hey, hey.

-If... If I find out that you're behind this, I'll kill you, Zmuda!

-What the hell are you talking about?

-George,

-I

-just said I didn't believe him, OK?

-That's the kind of stuff you two work out to fuck me up!

-'We want the truth, boy, the truth!

-My father said Lassie bit me, so I said she did too.'

-'Lassie never bit you and you know it!

-Case dismissed!'

SWELLING MUSIC

END CHORDS

Dad?

The cancer started here in Andy's lungs and spread to his left arm.

We've initiated an aggressive radiation programme, see if we can eradicate the affected cells.

-PA:

-Dr Sullivan, line one...

-Excuse me, I'll be right back.

What a crock.

How dare you make light of this?

Dad, I cried when he broke his neck. He's not getting me again.

-Christ, Carol, he's got lung cancer.

-He WANTS us scratching our heads, asking ourselves, "Is this real?"

-Of course it's real. We're in a hospital.

-Mom...

Cedars Sinai. It's a showbiz hospital!

Andy's studio friends probably run this place.

He plans these things and takes over and hires actors. I didn't think that doctor guy was convincing. I mean...

- Notice his costume? Wrong shoes. - Not even doctor-shoes.

No, no, no, no, no! That's bullshit!

-No more Kaufman stories. He's burned us too often.

-A very reliable source says Andy Kaufman has lung cancer.

Please(!) He's definitely not dying.

Now, those big white cells are attacking the cancer cells.

Attacking...

attacking.

I see them. I see the white cells.

-Attacking...

-Attacking.

-Attacking.

-Attacking.

He's an actor. I...

I recognise him from The Inlaws.

Yeah. That's true. But...he's also ordained in holistic medicine.

Oh.

George, what am I supposed to do? I'm sick. And trying to get better, but everyone's looking at me.

I feel like I'm being surrounded by negative energy.

You're surrounded by what you create.

Great(!)

-Andy, you're the king of negative energy.

-It's gotta stop.

-HE COUGHS Andy.

-Cos if these negative vibes get out, everybody's gonna be talking

-about how SICK I am, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

-How can I help you?

-I wanna go back to work.

-You want to tour the clubs?

No, no clubs...! Reach the top!

Carnegie Hall!

I want the show to build and build, be everything that's joyful in the world, one on top of the other

till the audience can't stand it and turn into children in front of me. Might even have Santa Claus!

Yeah. You say, "Hi, Santa!

-"What am I getting for Christmas?"

-"Cancer."

-..No, that...

-No, that's... I don't wanna do that. It's a bummer.

Uh, OK...positive, positive.

-OK...

-Look, this is really...great.

-Santa, snow.

-Yeah.

-But it's gonna cost a fortune.

That's OK. Not a problem.

-Well, who's gonna pay for it, Andy?

-Tony Clifton.

(Oh.) Andy, you know Tony doesn't have that kind of money.

Don't you worry about that, George! I know Tony better than you do.

Even if he has to work another ten years to pay it off, he'll do it.

-MELODY: "Alouette"

-# Abu-dabi, abu-dab-oo-ah

# Abu-dabi, abi-dab-oo-ah

# Abi-dabi dabu-ay

# Abi-dabi dabu-ay

-# Abu-day

-abu-day

-# Gitchey-wah

-gitchey-wah

-Yakamo-day

-yakamo-day

-# Ikimby-dich

-ikimby-dich

# Yakadishikytalego-galaby-diniggy # BO-O-O...

-# ..O-O-O...

-..BO-O-O-O-O

# O-Oh, Abu-dabi, abi-dab-oo-ah! #

SHOW-WESTERN INTRO

# I've got spurs that jingle-jangle-jingle

# As I go riding merrily along... #

MUSIC CONTINUES

Ladies and gentlemen, we are so very fortunate tonight, cos we have with us

the last surviving cowgirl from that 1931 film. She's 94 years young - Eleanor Cody Gould!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC CONTINUES

-Hi, Eleanor, it's great to have you here. It's a real honour.

-Thank you, Andy. I'm delighted to be here.

It's really overwhelming to me.

Well, it's gonna get better, cos we found one of the old, original hobbyhorses from your movie.

-Do you think you could...grace us with a couple of steps from "Jingle Jangle Jingle?"

-Oh, I don't think...

OK! HIT IT!

MUSIC IN FASTER TEMPO

AUDIENCE CLAP TIME

That's it, come on!

-Faster, faster!

-MUSIC SPEEDS UP

Faster, come on!

faster, faster, faster!

MUSIC SPEEDS UP

Andy, stop!

Is there a doctor in the house?

Stop the music! Stop!

Uh...we, we need a doctor. Anyone?

-QUIETLY

-..Calling an ambulance...?

AUDIENCE MURMUR

HAI-yai-yai-yai...

HAI-yai-yai-yai-ya-ya-yai

HAI-yai-yai-yai

HAI-yai-yai-yai-ya-ya-yai yai-yai-yai-ya-ya-yai

HAI-yai-yai-yai-ya-ya-yai

HAI-yai-yai-yai...

APPLAUSE

SHE'S ALIVE!