The Gay Divorce

# Don't let it bother you When things go wrong

# Some good luck will come along

# Don't let it bother you If now and then

# You may stumble, never grumble Count from one to ten!

# A frown is a smile upside down So turn that frown upside down!

# So smile and sing "Oooh-la-la-la-la!"

# Don't let it bother you If skies are grey

# Learn to grin, Take it on the chin, Everything will be OK. #

MUSIC CONTINUES

It's no use, Guy. Mine has housemaid's knee!

I think you show tendencies towards Terpsichorean excellence!

Well! My inner soul has always wanted to express itself in dance.

-What should I do?

-Stick to Law!

Garcon, l'addition, s'il vous plait.

-Spoken like a real native! Recognise it?

-No!

-Voila, monsieur.

-Oh, my!

Guy, this is an expensive place.

Guy, I must have left my wallet in that other suit.

Egbert, what would you do without me?

I mean...

We're just passing through Paris on our way to London. We're taking the boat tomorrow.

I am the proprietor.

-We'll have to mail you the money.

-But I do not KNOW you.

This man's father is Sir Frederick Fitzgerald, the lawyer.

Yes. And I'm a lawyer too.

YOU?!

My friend here is Guy Holden, the American dancer. You must have heard of him.

Yes. I've heard of Guy Holden. But have you any identification?

Well, you see, we...eh...

Left it in the other suit. Yes, yes...

Well...I...

I...I have it! Look here, if my friend DANCES like Holden, that proves he IS Holden. Right?

Go on, Guy, dash them off a polka.

-I'm on vacation. I'm not dancing!

-WAITERS DISCUSS THIS

They'll make us wash dishes.

There!

-That means nothing.

-Then YOU try it!

Suppose you do it over there...

-With all these people around?

-If you ARE Guy Holden, people won't disturb you.

-No.

-WAITERS BABBLE IN FRENCH

-The dishes will be difficult to wash!

BAND STRIKES UP

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC BEGINS AGAIN

Guy!

TELEGRAM BOY: Mr Fitzgerald! Mr Fitzgerald!

Mr Fitzgerald! Mr Fitzgerald!

-What do you want?

-Mr PINKIE Fitzgerald?

-Yes.

Pinkie? THAT'S a new one!

It must be from Father. He's called me "Pinkie" since I was a little tot.

-Tip that boy, will you? Read that for me. I'm busy.

-Thank you, Captain.

Your father says, "Leaving for Scotland.

-"Take charge of office."

-He's leaving me in charge.

-I haven't finished.

-"But don't DO anything. Just SIT."

-Let me see that.

You've been in charge before!

The lady in Section D... she's an American, and you know how THEY are!

Can you help? Look after this man. Come with me.

I'm the Chief Inspector. Anything I can do for you?

Yes! This man wants to mess up my trunks after I've carefully packed them!

Sorry. We must inspect all luggage.

Ohhh! How much DID you pay for this?

How much? It was an awful lot... Where did you buy it?

Where did I buy it? Let me see... What's the name of that town?

Paris?

Paris? No. It wasn't Paris.

< Lyons?

No. But you're getting warmer!

Nice?

Yes! That's who I'm waiting for.

What? My NIECE. She's to meet me here.

Where IS she? I don't know.

-This is the only other place she might be.

-Oh, there she is! Thank you.

-Mimi, dear!

-Hortense! How are you?

-You look marvellous!

-Don't I?

This is my niece, Mimi. Her life's mixed up, but I've come over to straighten it out.

Please straighten THIS matter out first.

What do you want me to do? Come with me!

-Put those things in while I lock this trunk.

-These?

-Yes. Hold this for me.

-Did you have a nice trip?

-Yes.

I enjoyed every minute of it!

I won't be long dear. Come on!

Porter! Porter!

-Porter!

-Sorry, I'm busy, ma'am.

Porter!

Oh, porter! Porter!

Porter!

Porter!

Porter!

Can I be of any assistance?

-My aunt is in the Inspector's office, would you call her?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

-With pleasure.

You're an American, aren't you?

-Yes.

-So am I.

-So is my aunt. You know, the one you were going to call for me?

-Why, yes.

Anything you want me to tell her?

Tell her that my dress is caught.

Oh, your dress is caught!

Tch-tch! My, my!

-Locked!

-Yes.

-You want me to call your aunt?

Yes!

A third party might spoil this!

-Porter!

-Porter!

Oh, porter!

There's no reason why I can't handle this myself.

-Let me see...

-R-R-I-I-I-P !

Maybe I should have called your aunt.

I'm awfully sorry. Please take this.

-Please forgive me.

-Where can I return this to you?

-May I save you the trouble and call for it?

-No.

Oh.

Well, eh...here's my address.

I'll be waiting to hear from you.

-Y-you didn't say goodbye.

-No.

-Wonderful. That means I'll see you again.

-All right, I'll pay it.

-I've just had an embarrassing experience.

-A man tore my dress.

-Anyone we know?

-Ohh!

-Here you are, madam.

Oh, for me? I DO adore fruit baskets!

You shouldn't have! After all, we've just met.

MAIL BOY WHISTLES

EGBERT JOINS IN

Not bad. Time for an encore?

-My time's too valuable.

-Sorry!

-Don't you want to know who sent that?

-All right. Tell me.

The young lady asked me not to tell!

Oh, oh, yes! I see!

"Asked me not to tell".

Guy! Package for you.

Oh, that's my raincoat.

-That must be her handwriting.

-I studied handwriting. Very neat.

The "O"s and "A"s are open, that means extravagance.

Little circles instead of dots, that's a sign of vanity.

-Guy, what's the matter? You seem to be under a spell.

-I am. For the first time ever!

-What are you looking for?

-Where's the note?

-Oh, NO note.

-No note?!

-No note.

-Did you talk to the messenger?

-She told him not to tell where it came from.

-I wonder if she resented my tearing her skirt?

-Probably. What did you do that for?

-She couldn't move!

-Sounds unsporting of you, Guy.

-It was an accident.

-It usually is!

-What's her name?

-I don't know.

-Address?

-I don't know.

-Interesting romance(!)

I hoped she'd send a note with her address.

Well, I would hazard that she doesn't want to see you.

Hmmm. Ha-aaaa. Yes.

Well, I'm going to the office. What are you going to do?

I'm going to look for her. I'll find her.

Shouldn't be difficult. There are only 3 million women in London!

# It's just like looking for a needle in a haystack

# Searching for a moonbeam in the blue

# Still, I've gotta find you

# It's just like looking for a raindrop in the ocean

# Searching for a dewdrop in the dew

# Still, I've gotta find you

# I'll roam the town in hope that we'll meet

# Look at each face I'll pass on the street

# Sometimes I hear the beat of your feet But it's just imagination

# Oh, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack

# Still, I'll follow every little clue

# Cos I've gotta find you

# It's just like looking for a needle in a haystack

# Searching for a moonbeam in the blue

# Still, I've got to find you

# It's just like looking for a raindrop in the ocean

# Searching for a dewdrop in the dew

# Still, I've gotta find you

# I'll roam the town in hope that we'll meet

# Look at each face I pass on the street

# Sometimes I hear the beat of your feet

# But it's just imagination

# Though it's like looking for a needle in a haystack

# Still, I'll follow every little clue Cos I gotta find you! #

HIS CAR HITS THE ONE IN FRONT

Hello!

I've been looking for you.

Wait!

Stop!

-Isn't it peaceful here(?)

-Would you mind moving your car or don't you want it any more?

"Yes, Guy, it IS peaceful."

In a moment, the air will be full of fenders!

-Hit it just about THERE, the cigarette lighter never did work.

-I warned you!

Porter! Porter!

Can't do it! Guess I'm too economical.

Now, then, can I offer you something? Cointreau? Benedictine? Marriage?

-What was that last?

-Benedictine.

-No. After THAT.

-Marriage.

-Do you always propose marriage so casually?

-No. I've given it thought.

-I've spent the last two weeks looking for you.

-Didn't you get your coat?

-Yes.

But I'd hoped for a note.

I've got to know something about you.

What flowers you like, favourite books, music...

Where can I get in touch with you?

You can't.

I'm staying with friends.

I wouldn't know what you'd do next!

Well, if you won't give me YOUR number, here's MINE.

Just wasting paper!

Ah! I thought you were economical!

That's better.

May I go now(?)

All right. You WILL call me tomorrow?

I'll be waiting. I'll rest at night so I can wait some more!

I say! Let us through!

Rath-er! Right you are! Cheerio!

Right you are! Awfully sorry!

I bought this in the sporting goods store.

You didn't tell me your name!

Mimi!

Mimi?

Mimi!

I'll tell Mr Fitzgerald... Thank you.

It's hopeless. I don't know why we're here.

Egbert's an old friend. He doesn't know much about Law, it's his father who's the brains.

Oh, dear Egbert! He was nearly my third husband.

He would have been, but he left for India on an elephant hunt.

He went off... when he could have married ME !

Mrs Deluwelle, Mr Fitzgerald doesn't recall your name.

What do you mean...?

Of course! I've been married again. He wouldn't know that name.

-What name DID Egbert know me by?

-Hortense, darling!

-I didn't marry in '29 or '30.

That was the year of the crash, and men didn't know if they had money.

I tell you! Just say "Peanuts". He'll know!

Peanuts?!

Yes! You know, the association of ideas.

Peanuts - elephants - elephant hunt - ME ! "Peanuts", madam.

Ahem!

Yes, yes, yes?

She said to say "Peanuts".

Tell her I don't want any.

She also mentioned elephant hunting.

That makes it peanuts, India, elephant hunting. That doesn't make sense. Horte...

Oh, no! It couldn't be! Tell her I'm out of town!

EGBERT!

Don't mind him, he's so impetuous!

You look just the same. That sweet smile and dear little eyes!

Meet my niece, Mrs Glossip.

-Mrs Glossip. How do you do?

-Glad to know you.

-Sit down, sit down.

-Thank you.

Mimi is unhappily married. Isn't that criminal?

-It's no crime to be married.

-Egbert, are you proposing to me again?

-No!

No! NO!

Mrs Glossip has a problem?

Yes, I have. There are so many things... I don't know where to begin.

-Well...

-Sit down. I'll tell you about it.

She's been married two years. She never sees her husband unless he wants money.

Tch-tch!

-I met him at school.

-He's a geometrist.

Oh!

-No. A GEOLOGIST.

-Oh! Geologist!

What difference does it make? Same thing!

-You know, rocks and things.

-Oh! He threw them?

-No! He digs them! He DIGS them!

Have you asked your husband for a divorce?

Yes. He refuses to discuss it.

Well, obtaining a divorce in England is a difficult thing,

unless the husband agrees to grant it.

Ohh, Egbert! I didn't know you liked dolls!

Mother instinct!

Ladies, as your legal adviser, I would suggest that we resort to...eh...

thingummyjig.

-Flagrant!

-Why? Oh, yes!

-I had one in my second divorce.

The details are simple... a seaside hotel...

I'll do anything you say.

-I'll leave it to you two.

-It would be better for me if you remained.

-Run along, dear!

-I'll fix everything!

-Thank you.

-I feel comfortable in your hands.

-I'll work my brain to the bone!

-Goodbye!

Goodbye.

Now, right down to business.

Ohh! Oh, Egbert!

-I mean the hotel.

-Oh.

-I know a new one, the Hotel Bella Vista.

Easy to remember! I had a cook named Bella. Or was it a masseuse?

Anyway, I'll have my niece meet you at the Maryland Hotel. That wasn't it! A girl's name...

-Take this.

-Oh, "The Bella Vista". Of course! That's what I said in the first place.

Oh, goodbye, Egbert.

Divorces make me so sentimental.

Don't you wish it was ours?

Yes, miss. I understand, miss.

-Who was it?

-A lady, sir.

-Did she leave a message?

-Yes.

-Well...?

-It was the wrong number!

Get everything ready. Hurry! I'm leaving for the seashore.

-Did another woman propose to you?

-Yes. No! I've got a case!

-A case of what?

-A DIVORCE case!

-I'll handle it all myself.

-Oh!

-Hurry, man! Pack my things.

-Mr Guy's also?

Splendid idea! Guy, come along. The change will do you good.

-You look liverish.

-It isn't liver, it's LOVE, sir!

I can't leave London. I'm waiting for a call.

You're not pining for that girl?

Pining?! Men don't pine.

GIRLS pine. Men just...suffer!

Guy, she hasn't called you. She's not interested.

You pulled her gown... she pulled your leg!

-Maybe you're right.

-Of course.

-I've waited two weeks!

-Where are we going?

-Brighton. The Hotel Mabel...Margaret... Oh, confound that woman!

Come along! Sea air, sunshine, gaiety, girls!

# You're my type of a shy type

-# Of a beau, dear

-Pardon?

-# So let's do things I'll teach you a few things

-Me?!

-# For I know, dear

-I'm reading...

-# I'm not bashful I'm pash-ful !

-I sense that!

# When you're near I feel so... Let's play houses

-# Oh, you make me feel so Mickey Mouse-ish!

-What a place!

# You're sweet and so agreeable I feel so gosh-oh-gee-able!

# You warm me or I'll freeze and let's k-knock k-knees

# You are so bill and coo-able I'm so I-love-you-able

-# Come cuddle closer, please And let's k-knock k-knees

-Is it a game?

# They say make hay while the sun shines

# So let's make hey-hey-hey while the moon shines!

# My heart's so tick-tock-tickable

# Your lips are so lipstick-able!

# You know your A,B,Cs so let's k-knock k-knees!

# It's so incomprehensible It doesn't seem quite sensible

# And yet I like it, please Let's k-knock k-knees

# It's almost hoi polloi-able And yet it's quite enjoyable

# Oooh, I'm full of rhapsody... # (Not here!)

# Flipping, skipping Lightly bounding

-# Stop it! Knock it!

-Really, this is most astounding!

-# It makes one feel so thrill-able

-I've exhausted every syllable

-# I crave frivolity

-Let's k-knock...

-# Ouch!

# Let's k-knock k-knees! #

# Let's knock knees! #

Oh, hello!

Oh!

Thank you! Thank you!

I've been looking for you!

-Just dancing.

-Is THAT what it was?

This is a marvellous place, isn't it, Guy?

I think it's wonderful.

-Are you still moping over that girl? The world's FULL of girls.

-I know. But not like her.

She's music, the buzzing of the bees,

she's water lapping on the shore...

She sounds like a series of strange noises to me!

Well...cheer up, Guy, cheer up.

-You may chance across her again.

-I will.

And it won't be chance. Chance is the fool's name for fate.

What was that last? "The fool's name for fate"? Where did you get it?

A line from my last show.

It would make a good song!

# Chance is the fool's name for fate, my lad... #

Mind if I use it in conversation?

Spring it on your father!

"Chance is the fool's name..."

If father could only see me upholding the professional dignity of the firm.

-I'll wait for my client.

-I'll see you later.

-I'll be here.

Pardon, you rang, sir?

What is there to ring with?

Pardon, sir. It's just a figure of speech.

Oh. Oh. Uh-huh. Well, bring me a... Let me have a...

Your figure of speech has made me forget what I wanted!

Do you require crumpets?

No. I never ring for crumpets.

Would you ring for a toasted scone, sir?

Scone? Well, now, eh... No. No. Try me again.

-Can you imagine yourself with a hankering for a nice gooseberry tart?

-No!

No crumpets, no scones... gooseberry tarts...

That lands both of us in the cul-de-sac.

Of course.

I hate to leave you like this. You, torn with doubts, and me, with my duty undischarged.

Cheer up. It'll come to me.

Was it Animal or Vegetable, sir?

No.

That leaves Mineral, then.

Now, sir, was it a half 'n' half...

a noggin of ale, a pipkin of porter...

a stoup of stout... or a beaker of beer?

Tea.

Tea?!

Well, isn't it a small world?

-Hello, Mrs Glossip.

-Hello.

Ready for graduation day?

Egbert!

Oh, no, it... It IS!

-I came down to help you.

-So good of you(!)

-I'm anxious to have a few last words with you?

-LAST words?

-Yes.

If you don't mind.

-Now, eh...

-Oh, Egbert!

Now...

It will be necessary for someone to discover you with someone,

just as a matter of form.

I can't go through with it!

Don't be silly, get it over with. Think of Cyril Gotham. I knew that would do it!

The young man is on his way. It wouldn't be correct for me to introduce you.

-He will present himself.

-We need a password! Wonderful!

-I have the password.

-He will say, "Chance is the fool's name for fate."

-Shakespeare?

-It's my own!

-"Chance is the fool's name for fate."

-Good! Now, you must have a name.

Your name will be... eh...Mrs Green.

Green! I DO adore green! Very soothing to the eye.

-Are you coming with us?

-Hortense, you can't stay with her.

-You can't have a clandestine affair between three people!

-That's what YOU say!

MAN SINGS "SANTA LUCIA"

# La-la-la la-la-la... #

-By any chance, are you Mr Tornetti?

-Rudolfo Tornetti at your serveece!

Yes, well, I am Mr Fitzgerald.

Mr Feetzgerald? I am delightful.

I shouldn't doubt it, old man.

Don't you think a co-respondent should come to work quietly?

I will do a feerst-class job!

The lady is very sensitive, you must treat her accordingly.

-Whicheever way the wind blows, that's the way I sail.

-Sit down.

Tea.

-Your life, Mr Tornetti, must be full of excitement.

-And danger!

-From the husbands?

-No. From the ladies.

-Interesting!

But, Tornetti, he know what to do!

Sometimes the lady and I have conversation, sometimes I play concertina,

but mostly I seeeng.

My wife, he do not like me to seeeng.

A woman of great perspicacity.

Oh, signor, you bet!

You're sure, Mr Tornetti, that my client will be safe?

Oh, signor! With me, strictly beezness!

"Your wife is safe with Tornetti, he prefers spaghetti!"

Now, listen, I'll give you the password.

When you see the lady, you say, "Chance is the fool's name for fate."

-"Chance is the foolish name...."

-"The FOOL'S name for fate."

-What's eet mean?

You have to have some method...

Oh, never mind what it means! Just say it.

Now, remember, I want delicacy, tact, assurance, finesse.

I have brought everytheeeng.

And now I go inside to make call to tell my wife I am safely arrived.

Arrivederci.

"Fate is no fooling..." No, no.

"Chances are..." Scusi.

Madam, can I be of service to you?

I doubt it! Let me have the menu.

What have you?

Eh...crumpets! Does it run in the family?

That's very whumsical.

What? Very whumsical, ma'am.

Like Sir James Barrie.

You mean "whimsical" ? Well, yes, ma'am. Why not "whimsical", then?

"Whumsical" is much more whimsical than whamsical.

You're beginning to fascinate me, and I resent that in any man!

I was just going to order.

-I can't eat a thing.

-You must! You can't have a divorce on an empty stomach.

What's the matter? You look like you've seen your husband!

-It's the man I told you about!

-Did you send him an invitation?!

I didn't know he was here!

Mimi! MIMI!

Mimi!

-You mustn't run like that.

-Why not?

-It's bad for my health!

-What are you doing here?

-Same as you.

-What?!

I came here looking for pieces of my heart.

No! Know what I've been doing? Thinking of you. I haven't left my telephone.

You gave me a LONDON number.

Oh, ehm... well, I had to come here... a little business.

I saw a few of them in bathing suits.

Oh, no! Nothing like that.

-Why didn't you leave a message?

-I did.

-You did?!

-But they said that you'd left London.

-Mimi, you DID call.

-Wonderful.

-I'd better leave now.

Please don't go. There's a gala night...

-It's usually terrible!

-Well, it's worth staying here to miss it!

-Don't ask me to stay.

-I won't.

Don't go. I've so many things to say to you.

# Like the beat, beat, beat of the tom-tom When the jungle shadows fall

# Like the tick, tick, tock of the stately clock as it stands against the wall

# Like the drip, drip, drip of the raindrops when the summer shower is through

# So a voice within me keeps repeating you, you, you!

# Night and day, you are the one

# Only you beneath the moon and under the sun

# Whether near to me or far

# It's no matter, darling, where you are

# I think of you night and day

# Day and night why is it so?

# That this longing for you follows wherever I go?

# In the roaring traffic's boom

# In the silence of my lonely room

# I think of you night and day

# Night and day under the hide of me

# There's an oh, such a hungry yearning burning inside of me

# This torment won't be through Till you let me spend my life making love to you

# Day and night night and day! #

Cigarette?

I still don't know what you're doing here.

I came down with my aunt.

I'm here with MY aunt - Aunt Egbert.

Egbert?

Egbert Fitzgerald, a lawyer friend. We're here on a case.

When two people are destined to come together, as we are, there's no use in struggling.

-Do you believe in destiny?

-There's no such thing as chance.

Chance is the fool's name for fate!

YOU?!

YOU?!

Me?

Why, yes, of course it is.

-So, YOU'RE the man I've been waiting for!

-None other!

I'll be waiting for you in my room, 216, at midnight.

It's 12 o'clock! It feels like New Year's Eve!

-Good luck!

-Don't leave me.

He seemed so different!

There's nothing different about ANY of them, except their ties!

HIM, of all people! Aren't you astonished?

ME, astonished? I haven't been astonished since I was eight!

I'll give him the most miserable night of his business career!

You're going to a lot of trouble!

-It's so degrading!

-After all, a co-respondent must be something of an artiste.

He has to have a sense of balance. Like a mountain goat!

I'll get Egbert. He must be lost without me.

Don't run away. I knew you were coming here.

-You knew?

-Of course. I'm Mimi's aunt.

-I know, but I have relatives too. This isn't exactly old home week.

-Nothing is ever done without me.

-You're not planning to be there?

-Of course not!

-Just a moment...

-I don't know Mimi very well. Would you tell me about her?

-I'll let HER tell you.

-If she has to keep you here, she'll want something to talk about.

-Keep me here?

-She has to!

-Which one of us is crazy?

-It's not ME!

-This is a bit of a shock to me.

-Your being here is a shock to Mimi.

-But it's her own doing.

It's better to settle this now, then she can start a new life.

A...eh...new life?

BRAND new. She'll make a clean sweep.

-I see.

-Yes! You're the broom.

I'll be right out.

I'm sorry I've kept you waiting.

-Mimi. Mimi, there's something I want to get straight.

-Yes?

-At first you were so shy and reserved, then you were...

-What was I ?

-Lovely.

-Was I ?

-Yes. But that's not what I'm trying to say.

-What ARE you trying to say?

-I'm trying to describe the shock. You see, eh...

That negligee is charming. From Paris, isn't it?

You ought to know. You've seen plenty!

-Well...a few, of course.

-Of course(!)

Oh, but never one like that.

-Mimi...

-Stay where you are!

-What?

Keep your distance. I want you to sit THERE.

What's the matter with it?

We're going through with this in a dignified silence.

I'd prefer it.

It's warm, isn't it?

Do you mind if I recite capitals?

What?!

Capitals of States. North Dakota - Bismarck... I used to do it as a boy.

-I don't care what you did as a boy.

-Well, I did nothing as a girl.

-Oh, Mimi...

-Keep your place.

Geev me a name for chance, and I'm a fool. Captain! Captain!

Maybe I make meestake.

Fate is a foolish theeng to take chances with.

So are you!

Oh...scusi. You are not the lady.

-Stay where you are!

-I thought that after the few lovely moments we've had...

How can you have the impudence to speak of that now?

-I suppose it's the callousness of your kind.

-MY kind?

-You didn't fool me for a moment.

I know how you make a living.

-Well, it DOES bring in a decent income.

-Some people will do ANYTHING for money.

It's not that bad.

-I bring pleasure to thousands...

-THOUSANDS?!

-Tens of thousands.

-I bring romance to shopgirls, servants...

-Spare me, Bluebeard!

-Mimi...

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Are you expecting someone?

-Of course. But not till morning.

Who is it?

I'd better get outta here!

I have something important to tell you! Now, what was it? It was something about that man.

-What man?

-Oh, yes! Have you got the right one?

-He gave me the password.

Well, a man downstairs said something about fate to me,

then he said, "You're not the lady."

-Now, I can't be sure...

-Wouldn't it be awful if I'd made a mistake?

-Go and ask him.

-But I'll have to confess why I'm here.

-Don't ask, then. But find out all you can!

-How shall I treat him?

-Be feminine and sweet.

I must go and find Egbert and tell him about this.

You don't think Egbert is hiding from me, do you?

May I...run along now?

Oh, must you go just yet?

Won't you come in and sit down for a while?

I didn't do so well in here.

Well, if you'd rather stay out there...

Guy, do you think it was fair NOT to tell me something of your work?

I've been trying to forget about it.

Well, er...how did you get started in your career?

Oh, I was started by a well-known actress.

Oh.

And the thousands and thousands came later!

She encouraged me from my first step.

-First step?

-Yes.

DANCE step. I'm a dancer. You knew that, of course.

-Do you mind?

-Ohh!

Oh, why, no... No, I'm GLAD!

I'm GLAD!

You're the most emotionally unstable girl I've ever met.

I am fate to take foolish chances weeth.

-MAN HITS MR TORNETTI!

-Tornetti!

Tornetti.

I cannot find the lady. I give everywhere the password. Everywhere I get the slaps.

I forgot to tell you her name! Mrs Green, room 216.

-Si, senor. Scusi.

-No more prowling round this hotel.

-Be sure the lady doesn't leave her room before morning.

-I stay till detectives arrive.

Right, and... Oh, my word!

I forgot about the detectives!

Detectives or no detectives, Tornetti he gets paid!

I'll rush to London and bring the detectives back!

-Egbert!

-Detectives...

-Where were you going?

-I...I was looking for YOU.

-I have something to tell you.

-I've got to go to London.

-I must tell you!

-What is it?

I can't remember what it is!

You drive everything out of my head.

-Well, I can't wait.

-I'll go to London with you.

-What?

-It'll come back to me. Besides, you mustn't ride alone at night.

-I bet you say that to every man you marry!

-Oh, Egbert!

-Come on!

-Aren't the shadows on the sand lovely?

-Yes.

-And the light on the water...and the moon...

Look, the moon's coming out. Look, Guy.

-It came out!

-Oh, isn't it BEAUTIFUL?

-I wonder what causes that peculiar effect?

-That's what I'M wondering.

-Mimi, who is that man who went into your room?

-Man?

-How many men did you invite here tonight?

-Oh...

-Mimi, are you married?

-Wh-what?

-Is it your husband?

-Husband?

-Yes.

Oh, scusi, please, scusi.

-What are you doing here?

-Chances are that fate is foolish!

Oh...oh...will you please stay here just a minute?

-It...it's no-one.

-No-one?!

-Mimi, what's he doing here?

-He's...he's here on business!

-Business?

-Mmm.

-Let's look at the moon.

-I'll throw him out.

-You can't!

-Who is he?

Well, he's...

-I AM married.

-You? Married?

To a geologist.

-Then it IS your husband!

-No! I won't be married for long.

I'm getting a divorce, and he's here to help me get it.

Wait a minute...

-Are you the woman whose divorce Egbert Fitzgerald is handling?

-Mmm.

-Oh-oh!

-And you thought

-I

-was your co-respondent? How could you?

-Well, you said the right words.

-What right words?

Oh, scusi, please, scusi.

Fate is the foolish thing! Take a chance!

-Are YOU the co-respondent?

-Rudolfo Tornetti at your serveece!

-You are no longer needed.

-What?

-I am taking your place.

-Are you a Union man?

Are you hired by Mr Egbert too?

Mr Tornetti, this gentleman isn't going to stay.

-Then you DO need me.

-No. Get out.

-But, Guy...

-He might be a tenor!

Si, si, senor! Leesten! HE SINGS LA DONNA E MOBILE

I was wrong(!)

-I'm gonna throw him out!

-Guy!

I have contract! I sue! First, for my ear...

-second, for my honour...

-I'm here for a divorce. Mr Tornetti must stay.

-If HE stays,

-I

-stay. I feel crowded, but that's life.

TELEPHONE RINGS At last, my call, she comes!

Hello.

Hello, Maria!

Six times I call you, and you are boozy.

Yes, the boozy signal.

Oh, si, I am all right. No. Blonde.

Just a blonde.

Excusez, I talk to zee wife. She want to know all about you.

Yes. Keeess the kiddies for me.

What? What? Maria!

Who is that a-speaking to you?

What?

No! No possible!

What do you theenk? My son, Rudolfo, heez voice is changing!

Goodnight, sweetheart.

You stay. Tornetti does not care. But no monkey beezness!

-The lady must not leave the room.

-We're prisoners?!

-I won't take the lady away.

-I will see that you don't.

-Thanks.

-Maybe you want to play breedge?

-No, thank you.

-No?

-Not a bit.

All right. I play solitaire. Remember not to leave. I watch.

I don't want to drag you into this.

But I WANT to be in it!

I don't think it'll be so bad being a prisoner here.

Hello, hello!

-MUSIC PLAYS

-Doesn't sound like a prisoner's song!

-Not a bad tune. What is it?

-It's the newest thing over here, "The Continental".

-"The Continental"?

-Mmm.

-Oh.

I like it.

That's another thing I'd like to take home with me!

-You know the words?

-Mmm.

# Beautiful music

# Dangerous rhythm

# It's something daring The Continental, a way of dancing that's really ultra-new

# It's subtle, The Continental It does what you want it to do

# It has passion, The Continental

# An invitation to moonlight and romance

# It's a fashion, The Continental Tell of your love as you dance

# Your lips whisper so tenderly

# Her eyes answer your song

# Two bodies swaying, The Continental

# Saying what you're dreaming of

# Keep on dancing, The Continental A song of romance and of love!

# Kiss while you're dancing... #

-Not a bad idea!

-# It's continental Mmmm! Continental!

# You sing while you're dancing

# Your voice is gentle and sentimental

# You stroll together arm-in-arm

# Nonchalantly glide along with grace and charm

# You will find while you're dancing

# There's a rhythm in your heart and soul Rhythm that you can't control

# You'll do The Continental all the time! #

Oh, can't we join the fun?

-What if our gaoler catches us?

-I forgot about him!

-What is it?

-An idea! An idea!

Is this one of those...?

I know how we can get out without our friend missing us!

This is something I used to do as a boy!

-BOTH: I don't care what you did as a boy!

-I know!

This might work, though.

-You've got me cutting out paper dolls!

-Oh, I see!

Well, I'll go change!

-That's cute!

-THAT'S beautiful! Come on!

BAND PLAYS THE CONTINENTAL

What's this? Stand back!

Look!

# Beautiful music

# Dangerous rhythm

# It's something daring, The Continental, a way of dancing That's really ultra-new

# It's subtle, The Continental It does what you want it to do

# It has passion, The Continental An invitation to romance

# It's in fashion, The Continental Tell of your love as you dance

# Your lips whisper so tenderly

# Her eyes answer your song

# Two bodies swaying, The Continental Saying what you're thinking of

# Keep on dancing The Continental

# It's a song of romance and love

# You kiss while you're dancing

# It's continental The Continental

# You sing while you're dancing

# Your voice is gentle so sentimental

# You know before the dance is through

# That you're in love with she and she's in love with you!

# You'll find while you're dancing

# There's a rhythm in your heart and soul

# You'll do The Continental all the time! #

# Dukes and lords of noble station love the new sophistication of The Continenta-a-a-a-l!

# In a Belgian hallroom In a Monte Carlo ballroom You will see The Continental!

# In a Paris bistro crowded with the pash

# You will see The Continental in the best French fashion

# Spain and Italy, Transylvannia, Norway, Sweden and Rumania do The Continental!

# On the dykes of the Zider Zee Wooden shoes have found the key To the Continenta-a-l!

# It's like a fever It's like a plague

# It's swept all Europe

# From Moscow to the Hague!

# You kiss while you're dancing

# The Continental drivin' you wild!

# The Continental it isn't so mild!

# You sing while you're dancing

# His voice is gentle The Continental A metre that you understand

# You know before the dance is through That you're in love with her

# And she's in love with you!

# You'll find while you're dancing

# There's a rhythm in your heart and soul A certain rhythm you can't control

# The Continental!

# The Continental!

# The Continenta-a-a-a-a-a-al! #

He's gone! Come on!

BIRDS SING

-Why did you do theese?

-To be sure of you.

-Oh, signor!

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Who is thees?

-I don't know! You've done this before.

-I know. But you upset my routine.

-Answer it!

Who ees it? < The waiter!

-The waiter.

-Ask him what he wants.

-What do you want?

-< Breakfast. What shall we do?

-Wait. Mimi!

-Yes?

-The waiter wants breakfast.

-What?

-The poor fella may be hungry.

It's OUR breakfast. I ordered it.

-It's our breakfast.

-I open.

-Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

-Were you comfortable?

-Oh, yes.

-Put that right here.

-May I...?

-Mr Tornetti, sit there. Guy, you sit there.

-You know...

-I'd like to have breakfast with you EVERY morning.

-Yes!

I hope you like what I ordered.

-I've never had breakfast with two men before.

-I have. It's no fun!

-When the detectives arrive, be careful.

-I hope they don't come soon. I've grown to like you both!

So sweet!

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Guy, you'd better hide.

-Let Tornetti hide.

-YOU hide!

-You want me to be free, don't you?

-Call if you need me.

Not over here! There! Anywhere!

Coffee, ma'am?

I've brought fresh coffee.

-Guy.

-Yes, dear?

It's just the waiter.

Next time, use a signal like this.

-I can't dash in and out all the time.

-All right, sir.

The gentleman in this case is a scientist?

-A distinguished scientist in his own field.

-A geologist.

-Did you mention geology?

-Oh-oh!

-I have an unnatural passion for rocks.

-You should be ashamed!

It's a wonderful thing, geology.

Geologically speaking, this island of Great Britain is 500,000,003½ years old!

How do you know it's that old?

Professor Brown told me it was 500,000,000 years old, 3½ years ago!

-Who was that?

-Professor Brown.

Him and his wife stopped at the last place I worked.

He told me that this sea coast is really an igneous intrusion.

-You know, you're somewhat of an igneous intrusion yourself.

-Thank you!

Now... KNOCK ON DOOR

-Is that the way I've to knock?

-Yes, thank you.

Thank you!

What a day this is going to be!

-Well, Mrs Glossip...

-Hello!

-Quiet, please! Oh, Guy!

-THAT'S what I was trying to remember!

-Was it?

-Yes!

This is my Mimi.

-Oh, really? Tornetti, if you have bungled this job...

-Scusi, signor!

-Guy, you're messing this up!

-The detectives...?

-Even better!

-This'll be good(!)

-I have brought Mr Glossip!

-My husband?

-Yes.

-The husband?!

-Guy, get out!

-No more hiding.

-Please, Guy.

All right, I'll hide. But call if you need me.

-Call anyhow.

-Yes, I will.

-It was MY idea to have your husband here.

-Hortense, why did you do that?

-Courage! He won't shoot.

-Let's wait for the shooting. Shoot?!

Never before have I met the husband!

-Where are the detectives?

-I can't do anything about that, he's on his way!

Do something! Look amorous!

Hortense...never mind. Come on!

This ees too much for Tornetti.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Oh, quick!

-What shall we do?

-Look amorous. Like thees!

-You look sick!

Try thees.

Come in!

I hope I knocked the right way.

You've a-spoiled everything.

-I came for the dishes.

-Leave them. Do something with him.

-Go quickly there.

-Yes. Hide him.

Hurry!

-Please, sir!

-Hi, waiter!

-Hello, sir.

-You hiding too?

-Yes, sir.

Now, once more.

KNOCK ON DOOR C-come in!

Cyril!

Who is this fellow?

-This is my husband.

-I'm so very please!

-You haven't answered!

-I must confess. He's my...

This object? Huh! I don't believe it.

He has all the ear-marks of a hired co-respondent.

That is not true. She love me and I love she!

Mimi, you amuse me. I'd never believe it with HIM, this hairdresser!

Guy! Guy!

I'm sorry to ask you to do this. Kiss me!

I'm not sorry!

Bravo!

And who, pray, is this?

After the divorce, we'll marry!

-WHAT divorce?

-Aren't you going to divorce me?!

No, my dear, I'm going to forgive you.

Forgeeve her! CURSES IN ITALIAN

Enough of this nonsense. Mimi, come home at once!

You're a lamb who has strayed.

And you are an ineffectual little puppy!

I'll throw him out.

No, Guy!

May I go? I've got work to do.

-Go ahead.

-Hello, Professor Brown.

-Professor Brown?!

-How are you, Professor?

-Is this your friend, the rock thrower?

-Yes.

He doesn't know what he's talking about. I don't know this man!

Remember the chats we had about rocks, you, me and your wife?

No. I do not.

-Would you know the Professor's wife?

-Yes.

-Mmm-hhh!

-Am

-I

-Mrs Brown?

-No. You're Mrs GREEN.

-Well, strike me pink!

Mrs Brown was French. She couldn't speak English.

Why, Buster Brown! Most unfossilish of you, sir!

-I've got to catch a train. Let me past.

-I will not.

Well?

-Did it work?

-Did it work? Meet the future Mrs Holden!

-Father will be proud of me!

-Egbert and I are to be married.

Darling, we WERE married last night!

Last night? Why, of course, so we were!

Let's all hurry back to London and have a big celebration!

Scusi! I'm very good at parties!

Subtitles by Janice Hamilton BBC - 1989