The Stepford Wives

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce

a legend in our industry.

She's the most successful president in the history of our network

and for the past five years has kept us at the top of the ratings.

She's our maverick, our wild card,

and today she's going to take us right to the edge.

Please welcome a giant, a genius,

and the hardest-working person in television, Joanna Eberhart!

RAPTUROUS CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you all so much!

Thank you!

That feels good!

Especially coming from such a fantastic group of people

from all across our great nation, our network affiliates!

Give yourselves a great big hand!

You deserve it!

And I want a big, fat Christmas bonus!

Just kidding. But not really, because...

I am so excited, I am so on fire,

I am so guts-and-glory passionate about what I am about to show you.

On Monday nights the world will be watching a man, a woman and a buzzer!

Are you ready for the final gender challenge?

-Who makes more money?

-I do.

-Who enters Ironman triathlons every year and wins?

-I do.

Who secretly wishes they were married to a sexy lesbian?

-I do.

-I do!

It's Tara!

And...

on Thursdays...

No, this is not just a TV show. No.

This is a breakthrough, break-out, break-the-rules

and bring-on-the-Emmys mega-smash!

Yes!

Can I present to you this planet's ultimate reality phenomenon?

I Can Do Better!

We will all be right there

as happily married couples fly first class to a tropical island paradise,

where they will be surrounded by professional prostitutes.

And at the end of the week, well, let's take a peek.

It's been a week!

Hank, a personnel manager from Omaha, spent the week with Vanessa,

a call girl and exotic dancer.

Yeah, it's been amazing.

And I'll admit we've had some fun in the hot tub, an' all.

But you want to know something, Billy? All we did was talk.

Because I love my wife.

And the only place I want to be is back in Omaha with my Barbara.

Tough break, Nessa.

And, Barbara, you spent Monday with Rocky,

a body builder and male escort,

Tuesday through Thursday with the cast of the XXX film Hung Jury,

and you spend the entire weekend with Tonkiro.

It's time for the final decision. Barbara, it's yours to make.

Is it gonna be Omaha...

..or Oma-hugs?

Well...before I came on this show,

I only had sex with one man, and that was usually Hank.

I love Hank deeply and forever with all my heart.

I'd never do anything to hurt him.

But I can do better!

The battle of the sexes!

As old as time, but as -

-Why?!

-Er... Excuse me?

-Why did you do it?!

-Oh, my God, it's Hank from I Can Do Better!

Hank, everyone!

No, stop it!

I love Barbara! I had a family. I had a life.

Hank... I know it hurts.

Love isn't easy.

Relationships aren't easy.

Not for anyone. But...

now you know the truth about Barbara,

and you are going to move on with your life,

and you're going to meet someone wonderful,

and America is going to love you.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, I got a great idea... for another hot new show.

-Well, tell it to us.

-It's called...

Let's Kill All The Women.

AUDIENCE SHRIEKS

Oh!

Joanna, are you all right?

I am great. Raring to go. The police were sensational.

And not a scratch!

-You haven't heard?

-About what?

-That man, Hank...

-SHE GROANS

Right before he tried to kill you

he went to see his ex-wife and five of her new boyfriends.

-He did?

-He shot all of them.

The wife is in critical condition. Four guys are on life support.

-Tonkiro?

-He's fine.

-Thank God.

-So you know what this means?

-Of course.

We pay for all their medical treatment. Every penny.

We get them the very best therapist, childcare, rehab, whatever they need.

And then we fly them to New York first class for a prime-time special,

Hank and Barbara: Let The Healing Begin.

You're not listening.

We can't wear this. The lawsuits alone may bankrupt the network.

All your new shows, the affiliates won't touch them.

We have shareholders.

We can't let you sink the network.

But we wish you only the best.

SMALL GASP

Of course.

Thank you for being so classy and taking this so well.

Joanna, we just wanted to say that this is so not fair.

Goodbye, everybody!

All the best!

Arrghhhhhhhh!

Jo?

WHIMPERS

Ah, Walter...

What happened?

Well, you've had a complete nervous collapse.

Oh...

The doctors say there's a lot of work to do, but you'll be just fine.

Oh, and Pete...made this for you.

Oh, that's so sweet!

And I wanted you to know

that the minute I heard the news, I called the network and I quit.

-You did that for me?

-Of course.

I know I was only a vice-president,

but I could never work for those people,

not after the way they treated you.

Oh... Walter...

Do you remember what today is? It's our anniversary.

Oh... Walter...

I'm so sorry.

Maybe that man who tried to shoot me,

maybe he was right. Maybe I've become the wrong kind of woman.

Maybe I've made all the wrong decisions.

Could...could we get away...

and start over?

And get it right, our marriage?

-But why are we moving?

-To Connecticut?

We're moving so we can all kick back and have a great new life

in this beautiful new town.

-Name?

-Kresby.

-Welcome to Stepford.

-Thanks.

-What do you think, guys?

-Cool.

-Good.

Honey?

Hello, everyone!

I'm Mrs Wellington.

Welcome to Stepford.

I'm with Stepford Realty. We spoke on the phone.

-You must be Walter.

-So nice to meet you in person.

-And the little ones! I bet you're Pete.

-Duh!

-Pete!

And he's every bit as handsome as his dad.

Thank you.

And, Kimberly, aren't you just the cutest little bug's ear?!

-Bugs don't have ears.

-Isn't she sassy? And a little sad.

And this must be Joanna.

-Electro-shock?

-But she's doing great.

Hello, little Energizer!

The minute Walter called, I knew this was the perfect house for you.

It's top of the line here at Stepford Estates

and it's got everything an American family could ever need.

And may I present to you...

Look at this! This is amazing!

..the Great Room?

I call it cosy.

And it's also a smart house. This controls the security system.

DOORS LOCK

COMPUTER: "All secure."

It talks to the refrigerator.

"We need juice, we need juice."

"We need juice."

The system also monitors all the commodes.

Where it will test your urine for blood sugar, protein and body fat.

"Flush toilets." TOILETS FLUSH

-Isn't that great, kids?

-I'm gonna go check my room!

-Me too!

-Now, Walter, will you be commuting?

-No.

SIGHS

Er, no. Joanna and I both left the network.

-YAPS

-Oh, look, it's the puppy!

Robo-Rover 3000! Come on, boy! Come on, come on!

DOG YAPS

CAR HORN

Joanna!

The town is over 200 years old.

It was founded by George Washington and Martha just loved it.

Stepford is Connecticut's family paradise.

It has no crime, no poverty and no pushing.

What is that? Up on the hill?

Well, that's our Stepford Men's Association,

where all our wonderful guys can get together and stay out of our hair.

Am I right?

-Where do the women go?

-To the Simply Stepford day spa.

Good morning, ladies.

-ALL:

-Good morning, Claire.

I would like you all to welcome our newest citizen to Stepford,

Joanna.

-ALL:

-Good morning, Joanna.

-Are we ready to work out?

-Oh, yes.

Places and poles, please.

You work out dressed like this?

Well, of course.

Whatever we do, we always want to look our very best.

I mean, why, imagine, if our husbands saw us in...

worn, dark, urban sweat clothes

with stringy hair and almost no make-up.

Now, today you are in for a special treat.

We are working on a set of exercises which I've personally invented,

based on simple household tasks.

I call my programme Claireobics.

Because her name is Claire.

All right, now it's time to slim and scrub.

-UP-BEAT MUSIC

-Let's all be...washing machines.

And...chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga!

Chugga-chugga-chugga- chugga-chugga-choo!

Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga chugga-chugga-choo!

Come on, Joanna!

Spin cycle, ladies!

And whoosh!

And whoosh!

And whoosh!

And whoosh!

DOOR OPENS

-Walter?

-Hey, how you doing?

-How are you?

-Walter Kresby!

I'm Stan Peters. Come on in. Mike said you were coming.

-Nice to see you.

-Come on in.

BAND PLAYS

TANNOY: "Happy Fourth of July!

"At 1.30 will be the children's Stars and Stripes face-painting."

Isn't this great?

A real, old-fashioned town picnic. Can't get this in Manhattan.

We'll stay exactly ten minutes.

We'll make an appearance and get out of here.

Kids, I'm sorry about all of this, but let's try and have fun.

-Mom, it's a picnic.

-Chill.

Go ahead, have fun.

Ten minutes?

You don't get it. These women are deranged, flight-attendant friendly.

-They're going to be all over me.

-Joanna!

Here we go.

-Joanna.

-Joanna, hi.

-Hi, Walter.

-Hi.

-You look great.

-I love you in khakis.

They're new. A little experiment.

Now I know why they call it Banana Republic.

WOMEN GIGGLE

Excuse me, excuse me!

Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

Excuse me! Am I the only one who finds this a little disturbing?

We are celebrating our nation's birthday,

with almost no African-Americans, Native Americans, Asian Americans...

Oh, my God. Hey!

You're Joanna Eberhart. You got such a raw deal.

Aren't you Bobbie Markowitz? I love your books, especially the last one.

It was about your relationship with your mother.

I Love You, But Please Die.

Hey, baby! Look what I did!

WHISTLES

Happy Fourth of July, everybody.

-Excuse me. Is he bothering you?

-Yes. He's my husband.

-Hey, Kresbo-man!

-Hey, Dave.

-How do you know each other?

-Men's Association.

-That place!

-Did you finish the laundry?

-No, I finished a chapter.

-Did you make the sandwiches?

-Did you?

-Where are the kids?

-Kids?

-Our kids.

-Are you two OK?

-We're fine.

-We're fine.

-Come on, I need a cookie.

-See what I mean?

Jerry, it's a bake sale, an actual bake sale.

It's like a heavenly diorama at the Smithsonian

in the Hall of Homemakers.

Oh, no... No, stop it.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

-That is not a cobbler?!

-Can we reel it in a couple of hundred yards?

How do you ladies keep your figures?

-Is there a huge vat of cobbler vomit somewhere?

-Roger...

-I'm sorry.

That is...

Jerry thinks that I overdo everything.

-Excuse me. Aren't you Roger

-Bannister? The amazing architect?

-From The Times?

-Thanks. This is Jerry Harmon.

-Hi.

-Corporate attorney.

-But he's getting help.

-Stop it!

-You stop it.

-We're new.

Oh, my God, Joanna Eberhart!

-I love the shows.

-Oh, thank you.

Bobbie Markowitz. Love the books.

Jerry, how did this happen? Where did you come from?

I mean, right here in Stepford - people!

"Attention, attention, Fourth of July funsters!"

"Grab your partners!"

"It's time for some sizzling Stepford square-dancing! Come on!"

-Square dance?

-Cow girls?

-We're in hell.

Yee-ha! Come on, Bobbie.

HOEDOWN MUSIC

Howdy!

ALL: Howdy!

Ready to kick up your heels for some barn-rustic high-stepping?

-ALL:

-Yee-ha!

Bow to your partners, low as you can!

Bow.

Stepford gals love their men!

All the men left, all the men right!

Rope that filly, she won't bite!

All join hands and circle sweet!

Please your cowboy with your feet.

Nice shirt, Stan!

Yahoo!

Yippy-ki-yay! Yippy-ki-yay! Yippy-ki-yay! Yippy-ki-yay!

-Yippy-ki-yay!

-Honey?

-Yippy-ki-yay!

-Yippy-ki-yay! Yippy-ki-yay!

-Calm down, baby.

Do-si-do! Do-si-do! Do-si-do!

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Do-si-do! Do-si-do! Do-si-do!

SHOES SCREECH

Jesus...

Do-do-si-do! Do-si-do!

-Excuse me!

-It's OK!

Excuse me!

All right, OK. Don't try to move her.

-She's drunk.

-She's blonde.

-Jo, you're not a doctor.

-Walter, I can take care of it. I ran a network.

-Somebody call 911.

-Mike's here.

-Mike...

Mike!

Do-si-do... Do-si-do... Do-si-do...

-Mike...

-It's OK. I'm here.

-Walter, the Mrs.

-Jo!

-Walter, what is wrong?

-Excuse me.

-Stand right back.

Hey! Er, excuse...

I can't...

Exc...

ELECTRICAL SPARKING What was that?

Herb, Dave, give me a hand and we'll get Sarah right into my Hummer.

-Your Hummer?

-It's a sweet ride.

-It's roomy.

We need an ambulance. You shouldn't be moving her.

Sh-she might need oxygen. BAND STRIKES UP

-Everything isn't always about you.

-Walter...

She'll be fine. It's... It's too much sun. She's dehydrated.

Dehydrated? Are you crazy?

Jo! I'm sorry about this, Mike.

Joanna, Joanna!

This is a very special moment. I would like you to meet...

-Mike Wellington.

-My husband.

Oh.

The famous Joanna. You're even prettier than in the newspapers.

Excuse me. That woman is very sick. I should be going with her.

She'll get all the help she needs. Trust me, little lady.

That woman had a seizure and she was practically levitating.

I have told you five million times! I phoned Herb.

He said that Sarah is fine. She just needed some fluids, like Mike said.

-She was sparking, Walter.

-She was dancing.

Then why wasn't there a doctor anywhere? And why...

Grr!

Why...

Walter!

Why did everyone just automatically listen to that Mike person?

-Why did they just stand there?!

-You mean, why didn't they listen to you?

That's not what I'm saying!

-Jesus Christ, Joanna!

-What?

You were fired, the kids barely know you, our marriage is falling apart!

Shh!

Your attitude makes people want to kill you.

It makes people try to kill you.

That's why we're here.

The people in this town have been nothing but friendly and welcoming

and wonderful to you.

And you've been nothing but snide and suspicious.

And at the picnic, you humiliated me. I can't do it any more.

I can't keep fighting you for every inch of everything. Game over.

Marriage over.

No!

No...

-No what?

-Please don't go.

-Why not?

-Because you're right.

Wait, I'm sorry. I don't think I heard. What'd you just say?

I said you're right.

About?

About everything.

Oh... About me.

You know why I signed on at the network?

Cos I thought if I was around, I could help you lighten up.

-You did?

-Yeah, I did. What was that show called? I Can Do Everybody.

See, that's what I mean. I wanted to make you laugh.

That's so sweet, but I...

I was busy, I was... I was running a network, Walter.

-You were so busy that we haven't made love in over a year.

-I know.

Well, I miss you.

But I've always loved you... so much.

I... You know that.

Why?

Because.

Because...

you're goofy and you're...you're handsome,

and you're, you're... you're my Walter.

And because when you play computer chess,

you do that little victory dance.

-I do not!

-Yes, you do!

No, I don't.

Mm-hm.

Oh, but if I'm not the smartest

and the best of the best and the most successful,

then, I don't know, who am I?

You want to find out?

How?

First of all, we're in the country now, so no more black.

-No more black? Are you insane?

-You heard me.

Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating,

Manhattan career bitches wear black.

-Is that what you want to be?

-Ever since I was a little girl.

Do I really look OK?

-Can I be honest?

-Mm-hm.

-You look kinda like Betty Crocker.

-I know.

-At Betty Ford.

"We need milk, we need milk."

Thank you.

I'm trying to make an effort to change.

Last night my husband was a different person.

He was strong, he was forceful, he was commanding.

Like your refrigerator.

Nobody said it would be easy being a homemaker and a stay-at-home mom.

It's the toughest job in the world, right?

That may be, but these Stepford women are a whole other dimension.

Like yesterday, that poor lady, Sarah Sunderson.

Walter said she's fine.

-You said she was shooting off sparks from her ears.

-The first sign.

-Of what?

-Cheap jewellery.

-We should go see her.

-Why?

We need to be supportive. That's how people behave outside of Manhattan.

They care about each other.

In New York if one of your neighbours got sick, what would you do?

-We'd call her.

-To see if she was gonna die.

-To get the apartment.

Let's go. Up, up! Up!

Sarah!

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo?

-Is she in there?

-What are you doing?

-It's open.

-That's amazing. It's so sweet.

-And so trusting.

Roger... Look at this place.

Sarah!

Sarah?

LOVEMAKING UPSTAIRS

Roger!

-SARAH:

-Oh, Herb! Oh!

Oh! Oh, yes!

Oh, yes! Oh, make me...

SHRIEKS IN PLEASURE

I'm so lucky!

-Oh, my God.

-Is that a DVD?

No, it's them.

SHRIEKS CONTINUE

You're the king!

BEDSPRINGS POUND

Yes! Oh, oh! Oh!

LONG-DRAWN-OUT HOWL

Oh...

-I'm going up there.

-Why?

-Roger?

-I want some.

-Roger!

Roger...

Shh!

-HERB:

-Baby, grab me some nachos.

Yes, dear.

What's this?

-Roger, put it down.

-What? Oh, come on.

-Roger...

-Why does it say "Sarah?"

-Roger...

-Roger, put it down.

-This isn't our house.

-Would you just quit?

We're trespassing. We have to get out of here.

CLUNK

GIGGLING

I'm so embarrassed! Boy, am I famished!

-Bobbie...

-Yeah?

-Are you making anthrax?

-Excuse me? I've been busy. My new book.

Can't you hire someone to clean? Someone brave.

Dave says I gotta do it. Like Sarah Sunderson. Could you believe her?

But her home is spotless.

And she's having incredible sex in the day with her husband.

Well, my shrink says I need creative chaos.

My therapist says I need boundaries.

My doctor said I need enough electricity to jump-start Vegas.

-Ooh! You ever done Zoloft?

-Oh, kids' stuff.

Xanax. I worship Xanax. I'm old-fashioned.

I like Prozac with a Viagra chaser. You're up...and you're up!

Oh, Roger...

Viagra!

Hey, is there something that you need to tell us?

Well...

-Sharing...

-Mm-hm.

OK. OK.

Jerry and I have been in couples' counselling, for over a year.

And finally, finally I just couldn't take it any more.

I howled, "You've become a gay Republican!"

And he said, "What's wrong with that?"

I said, "What's wrong with it?"

-"It's like wanting to be gay with a bad haircut."

-Exactly.

So, the counsellor suggested we move to the 'burbs to find a balance.

We moved here as a last resort.

Court order. Don't ask.

OK.

I know this is unthinkable,

but what if we could actually learn how to be happy?

Without Paxil.

Or compulsive overeating.

What if we gave this whole thing a try for real? The Stepford thing.

MEN SHOUTING AND CHEERING

Hey, yeah!

Only one can survive!

-CHANTING:

-Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus!

Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus, Zeus!

-Get that lady!

-Rip her bra off!

-Yeah!

-CHEERING

Zeus rules the universe!

And Ted owes Walter 20 big ones!

-Ah, to be a man!

-Whoo!

So, Walt, you and Stepford, it seems like a real match.

I'll say!

I mean, the town and the houses... and this place.

It's like a dream. It's like... Like the way life was meant to be.

And all of your wives... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God...

They're so...so, um...

Sweet?

Sizzling?

Superfine?

LAUGHTER

Well...

We are all so thrilled to be here

at the Stepford book club, I can't tell you.

Now, I have just finished the third volume

of Robert Caro's Life of Lyndon Johnson.

And I am dying for the next instalment.

Well...that's all marvellous.

But today we are going to discuss

probably THE most important book any of us will ever read.

Yes, it is provocative, but it is also inspiring.

The Heritage Hills special edition,

golden, deluxe Treasury of Christmas Keepsakes and Collectables.

WOMEN SHRIEK

This book said to me, "Celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus with yarn."

ALL SIGH

Bobbie, we realise you're probably feeling uncomfortable

with this book because you're... What's the word I'm looking for?

-New?

-Scared?

-Cranky?

Jewish.

Same thing.

But the Heritage Hills series is very inclusive.

In fact, there is a whole chapter about Hanukkah.

WOMEN: Oh...

I love the chapter on pine cones. They're not just for centrepieces.

You can use pine cones to create a very special yuletide menorah.

Your pine cone snowman could be Jewish. Add one of those beanies.

Or maybe I could just use hundreds of pine cones

to spell out the words "Big Jew" in letters 15 feet tall

in the snow in my front yard.

That's a wonderful idea!

WOMEN LAUGH

I love the idea of creating a life-size Santa out of pine cones.

OK, I love that.

I'm going to use a pine cone in my nativity as the baby Jesus.

And I'm going to attach a pine cone to my vibrator and have a REALLY merry Christmas.

Oh.

# Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus

# Right down Santa Claus Lane

# He's got a bag that is filled with toys for the boys and girls again

# Hear those sleigh bells jingle-jangle, what a beautiful sight

# So jump in bed, cover up your head cos Santa Claus comes tonight

# Santa Claus comes tonight! #

Joanna - how's she fitting in?

Well...

OK... I'm among friends, right?

Yeah.

So... Joanna and I had this big talk.

We were really open with each other. I mean, we really got it all out.

And I think from now on...she's going to be very, very different.

You think Joanna's really going to change?

Yes. I do. Absolutely.

-And how long have you been married?

-LAUGHTER

-Ted!

-Yes?

-Don't you owe Walter 20?

That's absolutely right. I do.

Babe!

FOOTSTEPS

Yes, darling?

Walt, sit down.

-I need 20. You know my PIN?

-Of course.

BEEP

BEEPS

WHIRRS

CLUNK

She gives singles!

LAUGHTER

BEEP

PING!

-Are these all for day camp tomorrow?

-I just want you to be proud of me.

ROBO-ROVER YAPS

Dad, watch this.

Ball!

SQUEAK, SQUEAK!

-Aren't robots cool?

-SQUEAK!

Oh, yeah.

May I speak to the man of the house?

Funkmaster Markowitz!

Stone-cold thriller-killer Kresbo!

Cupcakes, anyone?

Cupcakes? Right on time! Jo, these are smokin'.

-Why don't you make stuff?

-Why don't you?

-Because I have a penis.

-We should get moving.

-Yeah, we got a meeting. At the Men's Association.

When will you be home, honey?

When I'm home.

Call a sitter!

Bobbie, are you sure about this?

We're not spying. We're just visiting.

Fellas, I can't tell you how happy we are to welcome this new blood.

I love... LOVE this space.

It's very Ralph Lauren meets Sherlock Holmes.

-It says, "I have taste AND a scrotum."

-Roger, you promised!

-What?

-Whore!

-Bore!

Sorry.

Jerry, you're going to find that Stepford is very open-minded.

We welcome you and your partner just like any other couple.

-Absolutely!

-That's right.

Girlfriend!

Miss-Miss Thing!

-To Stepford!

-ALL: Stepford!

Damn! Come on, let's go.

You think this is all right, sneaking around?

All the women around here are perfect sex-kitten bimbos.

All the men are drooling nerds. Doesn't that seem strange?

-Not to me.

-Why not?

-I work in television.

-Oh, come on.

Walter, I think Joanna's right. Stepford is the answer.

-She's a great gal.

-Or she will be.

-THUD!

-Ow! Come on, help me up!

-We shouldn't be here.

Come on. Don't be such a chicken.

-I should be home with my cupcakes.

-Why?

-Because you only made 5,000 of them?

-We're trespassing.

Only if we get caught.

-Damn, I can't see a thing. There's the light there.

-No, Bobbie!

It's like some alien freak show.

-Why? They're just family portraits.

-Yeah, that's what I said.

FOOTSTEPS

The lights!

-We should get out of here.

-Ssh!

-Should we run?

-Ssh!

Oh, my God!

FLOORBOARDS SQUEAK

-AS HANNIBAL LECTER:

-Clarice?

-Hi, girls.

-Roger!

-You scared us.

-What are you doing here?

-What's going on?

Do they have hookers, or old Playboys, or cable porn?

Oh, please! They barely have throw pillows!

-FOOTSTEPS

-They're coming!

-The menfolk.

-Call us.

-OK.

Rog.

What was it? Did you see anyone?

Not a soul. But what's back here anyway, in all of these rooms?

Storage? Sweaters? Bodies?

-Tell him.

-D'you see that door on your left? Check it out.

Oh, boy!

-I can't see anything. It's dark.

-Use your flashlight.

Oh, I feel like Nancy Drew in the Mystery of the Midlife Crisis.

-Hm. What am I looking for?

-Look down.

MECHANICAL WHIRR

Oh...

Jerry?

Roger!

-Roger!

-Bobbie.

Roger!

-Bobbie!

-Roger!

Roger said there was nothing going on at the Men's Association.

-Then why doesn't he answer the phone?

-Bobbie?

-It's been two days.

Roger! Roger!

Isn't that his favourite shirt? The Dolce and Gabbana?

The Guccis. And the Versace.

-Maybe he's donating them?

-To what? The gay homeless?

-He loved this.

-His programme from Hairspray.

-Oh, my God!

-What is it?

Viggo.

MARCHING BAND PLAYS

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jerry Harmon.

I know I'm pretty new here but I feel so at home.

Why did Jerry ask us to meet him here?

..proud I can introduce Stepford's brand-new candidate for

state senate, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr Roger Bannister!

What? WILD CHEERING

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You may very well ask, what are my qualifications for higher office?

Well, I believe in Stepford, America, and the power of prayer.

Values I've discovered thanks to my partner, in life and in the Lord,

-Jerry Harmon.

-CHEERING

-Roger. Roger!

-Yes, is there a question? Mrs Markowitz?

So, you two are happy now?

More than ever. Because now I know that being gay doesn't mean a guy

has to be effeminate or flamboyant or sensitive. I'm no sissy.

I know!

-Roger!

-Yes, Mrs Walter Kresby?

Roger, I don't understand. You were out there, you were Roger,

and now you're different. Your hair, your clothes - like someone else.

People change.

You can't stop Stepford! You can't stop Stepford.

WILD APPLAUSE AND ALL CHANT

You can't stop Stepford! You can't stop Stepford!

So that's why we have to leave Stepford? I'm not following.

OK. Before, Roger was witty and stylish and ironic.

And I'm sure he still is.

Now he's making speeches in a Brooks Brothers' suit!

Hey, there's lots of ways to be gay.

-Don't try to make him into a stereotype.

-Ohh!

Bobbie is right, and she's leaving, too.

This place does something to people.

All of the women are busy and perfect and smiling,

-and all of the men are always happy.

-That's a problem, because...?

Because it's not normal, Walter!

It's... It's not the world, it's not us.

I'm picking up our kids from camp now and we're getting outta here.

With or without you.

-"Secure."

-Argh!

You'll never change, will you? Not really.

Open the door.

"Unlock front."

And you're right.

About what?

If you're that unhappy, then we should move.

Maybe head back to the city. We could leave tomorrow.

Thank you.

DEEP SIGH

Thank you.

Mm.

DOG WHINES

DOG WHIMPERS

What ya got there? Huh?

WHIMPERS

-Sweet cakes.

-GASPS

It's 4am. What are you up to?

-Just recipes for tomorrow. I like to get a head start.

-On what?

Apple pie. Bobbie recommended it. I'll be right up.

Walter?

Babe.

Bobbie!

Bobbie...!

Oh, my God!

Bobbie?

Good morning, Joanna.

Isn't it a lovely morning?

-That's a pretty colour.

-Argh!

Good morning, my precious ones.

Thank you for leaving your requests on my e-mail.

Adam, you wanted peanut butter and jelly, no crusts,

a Snickers bar and a Rolex.

Ben, here's a whole-wheat burrito, a soya protein shake

-and three pieces of German chocolate layer cake.

-From scratch?

-Of course.

Max, bacon, lettuce and tomato on a lightly toasted sesame seed bagel.

-But what about my action figures?

-There's Mace Windu and Amidala.

-Where's Boba Fett?

-They were out.

-Mom!

-Here's 500.

-All right!

-ALL: Bye, Mom.

They grow up so fast. I think I'll have three more.

Bobbie, listen. What have they done to you?

Is it drugs? Is it brainwashing?

-Come on. Talk to me!

-Of course, but only for a minute.

-Then I have to get to work on this pigsty. Coffee?

-No, no coffee.

Bobbie, last night I went online

and found out all of the women here used to be big deals.

I mean BIG deals.

CEOs, executives, judges. Sarah Sunderson used to run an airline.

-GASPS:

-With that perfect skin?

-No!

-She didn't used to look like that. None of the woman did.

-Coffee?

-No!

No coffee! Bobbie... Bobbie...

-This isn't you.

-That's right, Joanna, this isn't me. It's a whole new me.

I'm happy and I'm healthy

-because I understand what's important in life.

-Yes.

-Your new book.

-That's right, that's what's important. My new cookbook,

and my husband and family and making a perfect home.

It's a lesson every gal needs to learn, especially you.

I'm your friend, Joanna. I'm going to help you. You need me.

Stay away from me! GLASS SMASHES

-You're driven.

-Sometimes.

-You're selfish. You wanna rule the world.

No!

-I can fix you. I can change you.

-What...

have they done to you?

Let's get busy.

Answer the phone!

Hello. Is... Is this the day camp?

Oh, yes, this is Joanna Eberhart. I would like to speak to my children.

I'm coming to pick them up right now.

What?

Walter!

Walter, where are you? I know you've got the kids!

Pete! Kimberly!

TYRES SCREECH

THUNDERCLAP

Oh, boys!

-Welcome.

-THUNDERCLAP

-Where are my children?

-They're perfectly safe.

-Where are my children?!

-You'll see them soon.

Where's Walter?

Oh, how could you do this?

Ever since we met, you've beaten me at everything.

You're better educated, you're stronger, you're faster,

you're a better dancer, a better tennis player.

You've always earned six figures, more than I could ever dream of.

You're a better speaker, a better executive.

-You're even better at sex. Don't deny it.

-I wasn't going to.

-Don't I get anything?

-You got me.

No, I got to hold your purse.

I got to tell the kids you'd be late again.

I got to tell the press you had no comment. I got to work for you.

-WITH me.

-Under you! All of us -

we married wonder women! Supergirls!

-Amazon queens! D'you know what that makes us?

-Smart. Worthy. Lucky.

We're the wuss, the wind beneath your wings, your support system.

-We're the girl.

-And we don't like it.

-No, we don't!

-ALL: Yeah!

-Is this your answer? To kill us?

-No, nothing like that. We help you,

-we perfect you.

-By turning us into robots?

-Does any fraction of these women still exist?

-Of course.

-Almost everything. Show her.

-Show me what?

It's a promotional thing I've been working on for when we go global.

Walt, I don't think you've seen this.

Some guys ask, how do we do it?

In layman's terms, it's really pretty simple. Come on along.

First we take a gloomy, dissatisfied woman,

then, in a very private experience between husband and wife,

he gently places her in our Female Improvement System.

It's fully automated.

And then, abracadabra. The transformation begins.

First, we locate her brain.

We insert a few nano chips, then we programme them.

Also, we add some secret special ingredients.

To avoid any accidents, the husband is kept at a comfortable distance.

Safety first!

Finally, we enhance her to fit the ideal Stepford Wife specifications.

And...voila!

Everything is copasetic.

Welcome to the future.

-It's a painting again.

-What?

I should explain. You see, my real name isn't Mike.

-It's just a nickname from where I used to work.

-Where?

-Microsoft.

-NASA.

-Disney.

-AOL.

-Is that why the women are so slow?

-Joanna.

Is this what you really want? Women who behave like slaves?

Women who are obsessed with cleaning their kitchens and doing their hair?

Women who never challenge you in any way?

-Women who exist only to wait on you hand and foot? ALL:

-Yeah.

You're a brilliant woman. Surely you can appreciate, at the very least,

the genius of the concept? Picture it.

If you could streamline your spouse,

if you could overhaul every annoying habit, every physical flaw,

every moment of whining and nagging and farting in bed, imagine if you

could enjoy the person you love but only at their very best.

And the only reason for your anger, your resentment, your rage,

is really very simple.

You're furious because we thought of it first.

While you were trying to become men, we decided to become gods.

Let me ask you something. These machines, these Stepford Wives,

-can they say "I love you"?

-Mike?

-Of course. In 58 languages.

But do they mean it?

Enjoy.

GASPS

Walter?

Walt?

Joanna, over here.

MECHANICAL WHIRR

PIPED MUSIC PLAYS

-Sarah.

-Claire.

-Mary Ann.

-Charmaine.

-Roger.

-Roberta.

GENERAL CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

WHISTLING AND CHEERING

Good evening, everyone.

What a delight to see our wonderful wives and their happy husbands.

Tonight's truly the highlight of our year

because tonight we honour our very newest citizens of Stepford.

In my opinion, they are the cream of the crop.

A couple that proudly proclaims Stepford - the American way of love.

GENERAL APPLAUSE

Now,

I'd like to ask my wonderful woman, my lovely wife, bride, best friend,

-to join me in a glorious midsummer night's waltz.

-ALL: Ahh!

WALTZ PLAYS

-Is everything perfect?

-Everything.

-Mike.

-Walt.

-Darling.

-My pleasure.

-It's an honour.

-Champagne?

-Allow me.

ALARM SOUNDS

"Doors activate. Welcome, member 1956. Kresby, Walter."

BUZZER

"Entering secure area."

BUZZER

"Warning! Warning!"

"Initiating."

So, Joanna, are you enjoying Stepford?

Oh, yes. The town is so splendid. Everyone is so kind.

And then, of course, there's you.

Me?

THE CHA-CHA PLAYS

-It's simple, really. Honey, grab me another Scotch.

-Right away, dear.

"Begin nano reversal."

"Begin nano reversal."

"Nano reversal completed."

GASPS

"Deleting Stepford programme."

Argh!

COMPUTER WHIRRS AND STOPS

"Files corrupted."

"Deleting vacuuming functions."

-Honey?

-Oh, Herbert!

GLASS SHATTERS

What is this?

What am I wearing?

Mike! Mike! There's something...

..unspeakable going on in the ballroom.

You have to come right now! It's an apocalypse.

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

-What did you do to us?!

-MEN: Mike! Mike!

Men, control your wives! Control your wives!

It's not working! It's not working!

This is not Stepford!

Mike.

Mike, what's happening?

I was in the garden, dreaming of your smile and your aftershave.

Then I realised, ohh...

I can do better.

-Walt.

-She's not a robot.

-What? She's not a robot?

-She never was.

Wait a second.

-I couldn't do it.

-What?

-Why not?

Because she's not a science project.

-Because I didn't marry something from Radio Shack.

-That's a shame.

No, that's a man.

I thought you were ready.

I thought you were ready! I thought I knew you!

-You're a disgrace!

-MEN: Yeah!

To everything this town stands for.

-To the future!

-That's right.

You're gonna have to pay for that!

Don't you touch him! AAARRRGH!

SIZZLES

FIZZLES AND POPS

CONTINUES SIZZLING

Ohh!

He's a Stepford husband?

An angel.

-SOBS

-Now he's just...

..spare parts, thanks to you!

-What are you? Are you a person or a machine?

-I'm a lady!

-A real...lady?

-Every inch!

-Wait, wait.

-A real, real lady? Are you human?

-Yes.

-And I may well be the only decent human being left!

-In Stepford?

-In the world!

-Oh, she's fabulous!

All of this - Mike, the wives, Stepford, this was all your idea?

Yes. All I wanted was a better world.

A world where men were men and women were cherished and lovely.

Does anyone have a screwdriver?!

She's nuts.

A world of romance and beauty, of tuxedos and chiffon.

A perfect world.

-But you were married to a robot.

-The perfect man.

And all I wanted was to make you, all of you, into perfect women.

We don't need to be perfect. How could you do this to us?

Because I was just like you.

Over-stressed, over-booked, under-loved.

I was the world's foremost brain surgeon and genetic engineer.

I had top-secret contracts with the Pentagon, Apple and Mattel.

I was driven, exhausted, until late one night I came home to find...

..Mike...

..with Patricia...

..my brilliant,

blonde...

..21-year-old research assistant.

It was all so...

..ugly.

Then, early the next morning, as I gazed across the breakfast table

at their lifeless bodies, I thought, "What have I done?"

But, more importantly,

what could I do to make the world more beautiful?

I had the skills, but I needed help to realise my larger vision.

And so I made...Mike.

Because he was someone other men would listen to.

And then I asked myself,

where would people never notice a town full of robots?

Connecticut.

So I decided to turn back the clock to a time before overtime,

before quality time,

before women were turning themselves into robots.

-SIZZLES

-Back off!!

-Sorry.

-Why didn't you change the men, too?

-That's next.

-You're insane.

-I'm in love with a waltz and a town.

And a man.

ALL GASP

So, Joanna, you produced the hard-hitting documentary

Stepford: The Secret of the Suburbs.

And won...five Emmys, was it?

-Oh, six.

-She's shy.

-And so humble.

And, Bobbie, your ordeal has led to a best-seller.

I can't hold a grudge, so I've written my first book of poetry.

It's all about hope and communication,

-and...the healing power of love.

-What's it called?

-Wait Until He's Asleep Then Cut It Off.

-It's a page-turner.

-I cried.

Roger, good news. You ran and won. You're in the state senate.

-Independent.

-Next stop, the White House.

-This country needs highlights.

-That's our hero.

Jo, Walter really came through for you, so how's your marriage now?

-Is everything just, er, perfect?

-No way.

But, um, we're doing just great

because now...now we know for sure it's not about perfection.

-Perfect doesn't work.

-What about all those other husbands?

Are they still angry? Do they still want all these women to be robots?

Of course. Men are pigs. They're disgusting.

They're frightened, repulsive little rodents.

-But we're trying to help them, right?

-Right.

-We're trying to re-educate them.

-Where are they?

-Oh. Oh, they're still in Stepford.

-Under house arrest.

Hey, guys, which aisle has quilted paper towels?

-If I don't get the right kind my wife's gonna kill me.

-Aisle three. And...

TANNOY: "No talking, keep shopping!"

Subtitles by IMS