Top Hat

CLINK!

CLEARS THROAT

RUSTLE

Good evening!

(Good evening!)

(Good evening, Mr Hardwick.)

(Is Mr Travers waiting for me?)

(He's been here all evening, sir.)

-(ALL evening? Oh, dear, dear. Thanks.

-Begging your pardon, sir...

-(..but is that THE Mr Travers, the well-known American?

-It is.)

-(He's come over to star in my show. His first time in London.

-YOUR show?

-Well, I'm producing it.)

-(I want it to be a surprise for the members here.

-I'm sure they'll be surprised, sir.)

-Hello, Jerry. Sorry I kept you waiting.

-Ssh!

(There are many things to discuss, so come over to my hotel now.)

INDIGNANT MUTTERINGS

-Jerry, I want you to stay here for the night.

-I'm sorry. I can't.

But you must. I'm having a problem with my valet.

-Do you want me to press your pants?

-No, it's not that. Bates and I have had a tiff.

-Did you come to blows?

-No, no. We're not speaking to each other. We've had a clash of...of taste.

Bates insists that a SQUARE tie is to be worn with evening clothes. A square tie, imagine!

-I prefer the butterfly.

-I think Bates is right.

-He is never right!

-Then why don't you fire him?

-Well, I'm hoping the man will...

-..just disappear.

-I won't interfere, but let's hope he approves of ME!

-You can never tell with Bates.

-There you are.

If you please.

-Good evening, sir.

-Good evening.

Allow us to introduce ourselves. We are Bates, sir.

Oh, really? WE are Jerry Travers.

-Welcome to our menage.

-Thank you, Bates.

-I am to stay here tonight. At least that was our impresario's idea.

-Whose idea?

-Mr Hardwick's.

Oh, HIS idea(!)

-Well, welcome, anyhow.

-Oh, thank you, Bates.

-May we make a personal observation, sir?

-Not TOO personal!

-Oh, no, sir!

It's merely we must compliment you

upon your EXCELLENT taste in ties.

-They like me!

-Ha! You never know.

-Where DID you find them?!

-I sent the Salvation Army a pair of shoes.

-And the shoes came back with Bates in them?

-He's been here ever since.

-How's Madge?

-She's fine, thank you. The Lido climate has helped.

-Good.

-Shame she'll miss the opening night.

-Yes, but she wants us to fly down for the weekend.

Fly down to Italy?! But I haven't any goggles!

You'll have to go. A young friend is visiting her, and you know Madge and her match-making proclivities.

Is it a weekend or a wedding?!

Can't tell. You know how wives are.

No, I don't.

They're always scheming. I think it's time you found out for yourself.

-Oh, you do?

-Yes, I do.

-No, thanks, Horace. I'm completely on the loose. No yens, no yearning...

-#

-No strings, no connections No ties to my affections

-#

-I'm fancy free and free for anything fancy

-#

-No dates that can't be broken No words that can't be spoken

-#

-Especially when I am feeling romancy

-#

-Like a robin upon a tree Like a sailor that goes to sea

-#

-Like an unwritten melody... I'm free, that's me

-#

-So bring on the attraction I'm ready for action

-#

-I'm fancy free and free for anything fancy!

-#

-No strings, no connections No ties to my affections

-#

-I'm fancy free and free for anything fancy

-#

-No dates that can't be broken No words left unspoken

-#

-Especially when I am feeling romancy

-#

-Like a robin upon a tree Or a sailor that goes to sea

-#

-I'm free...that's me!

-#

-So bring on the big attraction

-#

-I'm fancy free and free for anything fancy!

-#

TAP-DANCING CAN BE CLEARLY HEARD

Hello...? Miss Tremont here. Get me the manager.

PHONE RINGS

Hello...? Who...? Oh, the manager. I can't hear a word you're saying.

-There's a young lady downstairs...

-This late at night?

She can't come up now. I'd better come down.

-There's a young lady downstairs who wants to see me.

-Ah-hah!

VOLUME OF SOUND INCREASES

Hello.

Won't you come in? I'm awfully glad you dropped in.

I was trying to sleep beneath this.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise I was disturbing you.

You see, every once in a while I suddenly find myself...dancing.

Must be some kind of an affliction.

Yes, it's an affliction... Er, St Vitus' Dance.

-And it only occurs at this time of night(?)

-Yes, that's it.

I really shouldn't be left alone.

Yes, I can see that. You probably should have a couple of guards.

-It's not kind to make fun of me.

-Oh, I'm sorry(!)

-I wish you wouldn't leave.

-Why not?

-I think I feel an attack coming on.

There it is!

So I see.

-Only one thing will stop me.

-Do tell me.

My nurses always put their arms round me.

I'll call the house detective and tell him to do just that.

Good night!

Jerry! What are you doing here? What's that for?

-Who was the young lady?

-That call was for you. It was a complaint.

-I've just seen the complaint. She's delightful... and she wants to sleep.

-She does?

And I'm going to help her. Take this!

-No, bring it here and guard it.

-What's happening?!

-What's the idea?

-She wants to sleep.

-So you said.

I've appointed myself her official sandman.

Jerry...

SOUND OF JERRY DANCING SOFTLY ON SAND

-What else have you got?

-You've cleaned out the shop, sir.

-Better plant some more.

-They're all to go to Miss Dale Tremont, sir?

-Right.

Room 304.

Ah, what's that?

-Oh, that's for the opening of a butcher shop.

-Send that up, too.

-But, sir, a horseshoe?!

-Why, yes. I may order a peach orchard next.

What's your room number, sir?

-Just charge it to Horace Hardwick... room 404.

-Yes, sir.

I wonder what Mr Beddini will say? What CAN he say?

He's been sending her flowers daily since they came here. And, entre nous...

The desk clerk has intimated that Mr Beddini provides her with all the niceties,

including her clothes. Really?!

And her niceties are VERY nice.

-Good morning!

-Good morning.

-I hope you slept well last night?

-Yes, but not long enough.

-Sorry.

-I hope perhaps I can square myself.

-That's all right.

-Can I drive you to the stables?

-No, thanks. I have a hansom cab.

-With a horse in front of it?

-Yes. The stable people feel the horse is coming back.

Where's he been?!

-We're leaving tonight.

-Mr Beddini has ordered porters for 7 o'clock.

-Thank you.

-Driver...

-Yes, Miss?

-Can't you go any faster than this?

-COCKNEY ACCENT: Love-a-duck, Miss,

-I

-can, but I mustn't leave the horse.

I MEANT the horse, of course.

Well, Miss,

it's tired cos it won the Grand National.

Do you mean this is a racehorse?!

Yes, and I've got his pedigree, too. In fact, his sire was Man of War.

Well! Who was his dam?

Pardon, Miss?

-Who was his dam?

-I don't know. It didn't give a...!

HOOF-BEATS SPEED UP

ANGRY HOOTING

-Peek-a-boo!

-Stop this cab!

I don't know how! I've never driven one before... Take it easy, Mavis!

What will we do?

In dealing with a girl or horse, Just let nature take its course!

There we are, Miss. I told you the horse would bring you here.

What a power you have over horses!

Horse-power!

Don't I even get any thanks?

Buy yourself a new hat!

RUMBLE OF THUNDER

Cab, Miss?

Cab, Miss?

Cab, Miss?

May I rescue you?

No, thank you. I prefer being in distress.

Mm... Charming little spot you have here.

-When does the concert start?

-Just as soon as you and the rain stop.

Aw, now, please! You wouldn't like to be just a little more friendly?!

Why should I? I don't know you from Adam.

Maybe it's the way I'm dressed!

CLAP OF THUNDER

-Are you afraid of thunder?

-Oh, no. It's just the noise.

You know what thunder is, don't you?

Of course...

It's, er...something about the air.

Oh, no, no.

When a clumsy cloud from here meets a fluffy cloud from there,

he billows towards her.

She scurries away. He scuds up to her. She cries a little...

And there you have your shower.

He comforts her. They spark... That's the lightning.

They kiss...

-Thunder!

-PEAL OF THUNDER

-#

-The thunder and lightning Seem to be having their way

-#

-But as far as I'm concerned It's a lovely day

-#

-The turn in the weather Will keep us together...so I say

-#

-That as far as I'm concerned It's a lovely day

-#

-And everything's OK!

-#

-Isn't this a lovely day To be caught in the rain?

-#

-You were going on your way Now you've got to remain

-#

-Just as you were going Leaving me all at sea

-#

-The clouds broke...they broke And oh, what a break for me!

-#

-I can see the sun up high Though we're caught in a storm

-#

-I can see where you and I Could be cosy and warm

-#

-Let the rain pitter-patter But it really doesn't matter

-#

-If the skies are grey

-#

-As long as I can be with you It's a lovely day...

-#

LOUD THUNDER-CLAP

Who ees sending you a horse's shoe?

How cute!

-Alberto, I've danced with him!

-Him? Who ees this "him"?

-His name is Adam.

-Forget him. You are coming to Italy to see your friend Madge Hardwick.

And there you will dazzle the eyes in clothes by Alberto Beddini!

-Alberto, I'm not GOING to the Lido.

-Madre mia! We have make agreement!

Beddini designs the clothes you wear among your friends, so they say, "Who ees so smart they make these?"

And you say, "Who ees so smart?! Beddini!"

Forget this Adam. Beddini demand it!

Oh, Beddini does, does he(?)

Our relationship is a business one.

If you meddle in my personal affairs, I go back to America, now!

I'm sorry, I did NOT mean to meddle.

Fall in love with him, marry him... but as Mrs Adam, what will you wear?

Fig leaves!

< KNOCK

Thank you, sir.

-A telegram for you!

-Read it to me.

"Come ahead. Stop. Stop being a sap. Stop.

"You can even bring Alberto. Stop. My husband is stopping at your hotel. Stop. When do you start? Stop."

I cannot understand. Who wrote this?

Sounds like Gertrude Stein!

Oh! It's Madge Hardwick. Her husband is at the hotel and will look you up.

-I wonder what he's like.

-He'll be influential. Let's be nice to him!

I'll be busy being nice to another!

I have promised my dresses to take them to Italy with you inside them!

Sorry, Alberto, but I'm unpacking.

Never again will women wear my dresses!

-DOOR SLAMS #

-Isn't it a lovely day to be caught in the rain...?

-#

-Good evening.

-Good evening. I have decided to stay.

-I'll cancel the bags, Miss.

Oh, is there a Mr Hardwick here?

Why, yes. He has room...er, 404.

Just above you.

-Are you SURE?

-Definitely, Miss.

There he is now, the one with the briefcase and cane.

Horace! A telegram for you.

-From Italy.

-Oh, that's Madge.

-And there's some trouble about the tickets.

-Trouble?

-Yeah.

-Oh, my word! Hold those for me and get us a taxi.

-All right.

Cab, Miss?!

When a clumsy cloud meets a fluffy, little cloud(!)

We must protect our guests, Miss. She does not need your protection.

-I

-am too much protection enough!

There's nothing to investigate. Nothing happened... Ask them to go.

-She slapped you in front of all those people for nothing?

-Would you have sold tickets?

-You did nothing and yet she slapped you?

-Correct.

A scandal will ruin our show. I'd rather it'd happened to ME.

-Well, if you enjoy such a thing...

-Don't be absurd!

I hate men. I hate you. I hate all men!

But, cara mia, you make a mistake. I am no man... I am Beddini!

How could he have made love to me when he was married...and to Madge!

-So this snake-in-the-grass, Adam, already he has eaten the apple?

-Yes.

-I will KEEL him for you!

-Have you finished packing?

But you do not understand...

We Beddini have the motto...

"For the woman - the kiss.

"For the man - the sword."

And what have you got for the children(?)

-Are we leaving, or aren't we?

-We do not go to America. We must go to the Lido.

-I can't face his wife.

Why not? Women face wives every day. You can't avoid Madge for EVER.

-I guess not.

-So... why not face the musicians now?

All right. Maybe she ought to know.

-Bravo! But let us stay JUST till I kill him for you.

-Stop acting like Cellini.

But it is the family tradition.

My father killed a man once, just before I was born.

-You didn't forget yourself in the park?

-No, I didn't.

< KNOCK AT DOOR

-We're the management.

-Oh, are we...er, are you?

Oh, dear. Some more of these plural personalities.

Just a moment.

Hide in the bedroom, quickly.

They mustn't suspect that you're in this.

-Well, this is a pleasant surprise.

-A small matter of great import has come to our attention, sir.

I am up here in your interest. We wish to avoid any scandal.

-SCANDAL?

-In connection with a certain slap in the face you had.

Oh, she didn't slap MY face.

-Who DID she slap?

-Wh-Wh-Who...? It was...er, HE...my valet.

Me, sir?

Don't argue! How did it happen?

Oh...

-Possibly we had been a little imprudent.

-We had been imprudent.

- But you said it wasn't you! - Not Mr Hardwick. Gentlemen, we take all the blame myself.

And there we are...er, YOU are. Gentlemen, I shall take him to task personally.

-Thank you, sir.

-Not at all.

-Bates, thank you! You know, really you are an invaluable assistant.

-Thank you, sir.

-Allow us.

-Thank you, Bates.

-Your coat, sir.

-Really? Oh, my, this is like old times, your helping me with my coat.

-It is a pleasure we have missed.

-Thank you, Bates.

-Thank you, sir.

-How is our lumbago this evening?

-It's much better, Bates, thank you.

-Thank you, sir.

-Bates...

-Yes, sir?

-(There's a CRISIS afoot.)

Couldn't we bury the hatchet... and forget all about the ties?

Sic transit gloria mundi, sir.

-Bates...

-Yes, sir?

-Mr Travers has practically put his foot into a hornets' nest.

-Hornets' nests grow on trees, sir.

-Never mind that. We must do something.

-We can rub it with butter.

-FOOL! You can't rub a girl with butter!

-We rubbed my sister with butter, sir!

-You should have used mud!

Never MIND that! Mr Travers is in trouble and we must avoid scandal.

-Now, there is a young lady in the room below.

-I know, sir.

Investigate her. Follow her. Never take your eyes off her.

-NEVER, sir?

-Never. Whither she goes...

-Thither I!

Right you are, sir... Whither OR thither!

Jerry!

-What happened?

-I fixed it. But it's very involved. This is a deep-laid plot.

-Why should this girl want to involve me?

-For money, publicity!

-I'll buy her off.

-Oh, no, you won't. Leave it to me.

No, no. You stay right here. I'll clear this up.

It's probably something you did offended her sense of decorum.

If I did, I'm going right down to do it again! Goodbye.

Come along, cara mia.

Taxi, please!

TAXI!

Follow that cab!

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in!

-Where's the young lady?

-She's gone, sir.

-GONE?

-Yes, sir.

-Oh.

-You don't mind if I carry on putting these flowers in the rubbish?

-Go right ahead.

Yeah...

Jerry! The show opens in an hour! Come on!

ORCHESTRA PLAYS "TOP HAT"

-Women do strange things sometimes, don't they, George?

-Yes, sir.

-Jerry, that first act was great!

-Good.

-The critics are raving.

-And I've got more good news...

-You found her?

-That girl? No, no.

The Thackeray Club is out in front.

-You don't suppose my dancing has disturbed them?

-They didn't say.

-Second act beginners, Mr Travers.

-Thanks.

-I must go! There are your telegrams.

Oh, I never read my own telegram from Madge. It's too bad she isn't here.

-What does she say?

-Sorry we can't fly down to meet her friend.

-Oh.

-Her friend is staying at my hotel. Her name is Tremont.

-TREMONT!!

Hire a plane to fly us to Italy in the morning!

-One minute, sir.

-What about Monday's show?

-How long is the flight?

-Seven hours.

-Charter a plane for the weekend!

-You're on, sir.

-I won't...

-If this show is to run, get me a plane now!

-What kind of plane?

-One with wings!

OPENING BARS TO "TOP HAT"

-#

-I've just got an invitation through the mails:

-#

-"Your presence requested. Formal. A top hat, white tie and tails!"

-#

-Nothing now could take the wind out of my sails

-#

-Because I'm invited to step out in top hat, white tie and tails

-#

-Oh, I'm putting on my top hat

-#

-Tying up my white tie

-#

-Brushing off my tails

-#

-I'm duding up my shirt-front

-#

-Putting in the shirt-studs

-#

-Polishing my nails

-#

-I'm stepping out, my dear To breathe an atmosphere of class

-#

-And I trust that you'll excuse my dust, when I step on the gas

-#

-For I'll be there

-#

-Putting down my top hat Mussing up my white tie

-#

-Dancing in my tails!

ORCHESTRA PLAYS "TOP HAT" CHORUS...

..AND THE REFRAIN IS TAKEN UP AT THE LIDO

-I'll look for Madge. See you later for cocktails.

-Bene, cara mia.

Madge!

-Dale! When did you get down?

-Just now.

-Good.

Garzone...

Per piacere, portatemi un altro...Horse's Neck.

Una Horse's Neck? Si, signora.

-Good to see you.

-And you!

-Did my husband look you up?

Yes.

-How did he impress you?

-He's fascinating.

Every once in a while, the effect he has on people surprises me.

He sort of surprised me, too.

I'm glad. He'll be here today.

Oh, no! He can't...

What's the matter? Did he flirt with you?

He sent me a roomful of flowers.

-Well, that was sweet of him.

-But, Madge, you don't understand!

He chased me in the park.

I didn't know he was capable of such activity! Did he catch you?

Yes.

-Good for Horace!

-But, Madge, you've shocked me!

He flirts with every girl he meets. It means nothing.

That's a funny way to take it.

My dear, when you're as old as I am, you take your men as you find them... IF you can find them.

And hotel gossip says that Beddini was supplying her with everything - clothes, flowers...

-No, YOU provided the flowers.

-I

-did? Don't be ridiculous.

-I'm going to find out from Madge just who and what Miss Tremont is.

-I only want to know "where".

You don't know the trouble a designing woman can make. Believe me, I know.

I wouldn't tell this to anybody...

-I

-am the victim of a designing woman myself.

-Surely not Madge?

-Yes... No! She doesn't know about it.

Her name's Violet. She's what the French call a "passade".

-Oh, I see. Little ships that pass in the night?

-Ships...? Oh, yes. Exactly.

-I met her at the bird-house at the zoo. She seemed to be frightened.

-Of the birds?

-Y-Yes.

-She'd led a very sheltered life and the storks worried her.

-Mm-hm.

I took her to a cinema... then we had dinner...then I fear I forgot myself and let her kiss me.

MUSICIANS CONTINUE "TOP HAT" THEME

DRONE OF AEROPLANE

That's him. Come on.

-No, I-I'd rather not.

-Oh, come and see the early worm get the bird.

-Dale, I haven't told you the real reason I asked you down here.

-No?

No. You know, I feel I've known you long enough to talk to you this way.

In spite of the fact that all men are...males,

-there is NO feeling so secure as having a reliable husband.

-I

-know.

Dale!

-Jerry!

-Hello, Madge! I'll see you in a minute.

-Where did Miss Tremont go?

-I didn't know you'd met.

-Oh, yes.

-Fine!

-I've arranged a little dinner party for us.

-Let's eat now!

-Leave her just now. She's upset.

-Really?

-Yes.

-How did Dale strike you?

-Right between the eyes!

-Good.

-Yeah!

-Where's Horace?

-With the baggage.

-The hotel's crowded so you two will bunk together. Dale's with me.

-Oh.

Did you get a room for my husband? Si, signora.

But I'm afraid it is the bridal suite. Huh!

How romantic!

Signore, you are Horace Hardwick?

-Oh, thank you. I am. How do you do?

-I am very displeased to meet you.

-Really...?!

-What do you mean "displeased"?

-For men of your kind, this ees not a healthy place.

-Not healthy? With this air...?!

-Oh, so it ees funny tricks you are being?

I warn you, never let your path criss-cross mine again, or...ze heart...ZIT!!

-Horace!

-How do you do?

-MADGE! Darling!

-My, my, my! Your passion frightens me(!)

-Been practising?

-Yes, yes. Well, scarcely...no!

-Guess what has happened to me?

-You got your first long trousers?

Madge, PLEASE! Jerry thinks I'd better tell you this anonymously.

-It sounds as if you want to confess.

-What would

-I

-have to confess?

-You really want to tell me about Dale Tremont, don't you?

-Yes...no.

-You see I haven't met her yet.

-No(?)

-No.

If that's your story, stick to it. So you weren't in the park, either?

It happened in the zoo... Er, the zoo in the park...

-How do you know I was there?

-A little bird told me.

-The stork!

-I-I think I'd better clean up a bit.

-Yes, I understand just how you feel.

Jerry!

-Jerry!

-What's the matter?

-Madge!

-Has she been chasing you?

-No, no.

I think she knows about Violet... and I just had my life threatened!

-But what did he say?

-He just lied and said he'd never met you.

-Oh, he did?

-Mm-hm. I told you he'd forget about you.

Well, I'll make him remember me in a manner he'll never forget!

Has Horace been away alone lately?

He went to the continent last year.

Mr Hardwick's apartment, please.

-I'm going to scare your husband so that he never looks at another woman.

-Husbands will always look.

Hello...?

Oh, hello...! Where ARE you?

Oh, so you do remember me? (He remembers me all right!)

-Are you alone?

-Completely and desolately!

Fine. I'll be right up.

-She's coming up!

-She can't! It isn't proper!

-She wants to see me alone.

-Jerry! She wants to compromise you!

Are you sure you've not met her before?

I could have met her in Moscow...

Ah-hah! In Moscow! Well, you see!

-But I've never been there.

-Oh.

-How about Paris?

-When I was in Paris I was only ten!

-Jerry! It's not safe for you to see her alone.

-It's not "proper" for you to receive her as you are!

Hello!

You'll think this a little unconventional, but I couldn't wait to see you...alone.

I, er... I'm awfully glad you came up.

Oh, my darling!

-Er, hello! How have you been?

-I've been missing YOU, terribly.

I came down on the fastest plane I could get.

-Oh, no. I meant BEFORE yesterday.

-Er, "before" yesterday?

Why, yes... Of course. Don't you REMEMBER?

Er, well... Er, should I?

-Have you forgotten what we've...been to each other?

-N-No.

Wh-What we've BEEN to each other?

-Oh, I knew, yesterday in the park, when I was dancing in your arms, you remembered who I was.

-Of course.

Who ARE you?!

Then you still don't remember?

I can...try to remember SOMETHING.

How could you forget that funny little house, and the suspicious concierge?

And that QUAINT little room?

We'd have tea and muffins there, watching shadows leaping on the ceiling.

Those long walks down that twisty, cobblestone street to the river.

Oh, Paris is HEAVENLY in the spring.

Er... Oh, so THAT's where we met!

Yes. Last year.

In Paris.

Hm-hm...

Why, of course!

It's all coming back to me now!

IS it?

-Yes, but you weren't called Dale Tremont then.

-Wasn't I?

No, it was...er...er... MADELINE!

That was it! I called you "Mad" for short!

You've put on a little weight, haven't you?

Remember the night on the Left Bank when you had on that blue dress I bought for you?

And to think that I almost forgot you!

(Tell me something...

(..do you still have that awful weakness for diamond bracelets?)

I-I suppose I do.

Well, make yourself comfortable, darling. I'll order cocktails. And then we'll have supper, alone.

-It'll be like old times, won't it?

-I-I...

-I'd better be going.

-I'll let you go...

but only if we can again be to each other what we were in Paris.

I was right! Of all the scheming, brazen creatures! Paris, indeed!

-She's trying to trap you. What will you do about it?

-Marry her.

-Jerry! This is no time to be funny.

-I'm going down to ask her now!

Please, wait! Before you make a complete fool of yourself, let me find out more about her past.

-OK. You find out about her past and I'll plan her future.

-Promise?

-All right. Promise!

What happened? Did you scare him?!

No... HE scared ME!

What did he do - make faces at you?

Sometimes I get up in the morning, look at him and he frightens me too!

-He mistook me for someone called Madeline he'd met in Paris.

-Really?

Do you think you ought to let him go away alone? I think he was up to something in Paris.

I must send him to China next year!

You don't understand! I think that we're carrying this thing too far.

You know, I wonder if you've seen something in Horace I've never seen.

MUSICIANS PLAY "CHEEK TO CHEEK"

I wonder what's keeping Horace?

-What's the matter?

-I-I'm going to have a headache.

Don't go! I've planned this meeting!

Good evening. Nice to see you again, Miss Tremont.

-You've robbed me of the pleasure of introducing you two. You've met!

-Oh, yes... Last spring.

-I hope you see a lot of each other.

-Madge seems to know instinctively the kind of girl that interests me.

-What would I do without her?

-Aw! Go and dance and don't think of me!

That's what I'm afraid of.

-Madge is a very brave person.

-Yes, I admire her tremendously.

-If Madge doesn't care, then I don't.

-Neither do I! All I know is that it's...

-#

-..Heaven, I'm in heaven!

-#

-And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak

-#

-And I seem to find the happiness I seek

-#

-When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek

-#

-Heaven, I'm in heaven!

-#

-And the cares that hung around me through the week

-#

-Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak

-#

-When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek

-#

-Oh, I love to climb a mountain and to reach the highest peak

-#

-But it doesn't thrill me half as much as dancing cheek to cheek

-#

-Oh, I love to go out fishing in a river or a creek

-#

-But I don't enjoy it half as much as dancing cheek to cheek

-#

-Dance with me I want my arm about you

-#

-The charm about you will carry me through to...

-#

-..Heaven, I'm in heaven!

-#

-And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak

-#

-And I seem to find the happiness I seek

-#

-When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek.

-#

-Aw, what IS this all about? We didn't meet in Paris.

-I know.

I'm afraid I haven't been fair with you... I know who you are.

-What difference does that make?

-It doesn't make any difference(?)

-No. I don't know who you are, and I don't care.

-That's big of you.

Well?

Well, what?

Aren't you now supposed to say that we should think only of each other(?)

I-I don't think I'd say it that way exactly. But aren't we?

Go on.

If it weren't for a promise I made in a moment of weakness, I would.

Oh, you made a promise. That won't make much difference to you.

That's right... Forget it! Marry me!

How could I have fallen in love with anyone as low as you?

She LOVES me!

-What are you doing?

-Packing. I'm leaving.

-We've got into such a mess.

-Why? What's the matter?

-Your husband.

He wants to divorce you and marry me.

-I see. He wants to do right by both of us. Did he mention a settlement?

-No.

He probably wants ME to pay alimony.

-Dale, don't go. That won't solve anything.

-I can't stay here as things are.

You're a spinster. You're fair game for any philandering male.

What you really should have is a husband you can call your own.

-Seriously, I mean it.

-But what are we going to do about Horace?

Don't worry, dear. I'LL do it.

BUZZER >

Come in.

Darling!

All I said was, "Darling!" and she smacked me!

-Jerry, how does it look? Tell me.

-Like a sunrise by Maxfield Parrish.

Oh, it's terrible!

-I can't go around like this!

-Raw steak will reduce the swelling.

-It WOULD...? A steak?

-Sure.

Bates!

Yes, sir?

-Order a steak.

-A steak? Very good, sir.

-What's got into Madge? She's never hit me before.

-Maybe she never thought of it before.

Room service...? This is the bridal suite.

Will you please send up a steak... I beg your pardon?

Oh, yes. Mashed potatoes and carrots and spinach. And, of course, coffee.

As soon as you get your eye fixed, we'll go down and see Madge.

Where do you want it, sir?

-Want what, Bates?

-The steak, sir.

-On my eye.

On your eye, sir?!

Why do I have to say things twice? On my eye means on my eye!

-I beg your pardon, sir.

-Don't argue!

The man has a sluggish brain, Jerry. Always wants to debate things.

First it's a maniac, then it's Madge and now it's Bates!

AH!!

MUSICIANS PLAY: "ISN'T IT A LOVELY DAY"

Carissima, we are grand success!

Every woman ees saying, "This dress, she ees wonderful. Beddini ees the tops." Oh, I am so happy!

But no, cara mia, it ees not the dress. It ees you who wears it.

-Thank you, Alberto.

-Ah-hah! What ees it?

This Adam again, this gardener of Eden, he has make you sad?

-It's just that I'm all mixed up.

-Oh, why worry about this man?

I think I'm worrying more about his wife.

Poverina, Beddini does not like to see you so sad.

Alberto, you seem to be the only one left I can turn to.

Oh, Dale, why don't you marry Beddini? He will make you happy.

Why not? I am rich and I am pretty.

And then this Hardwick will leave you alone.

-I'll marry you if you want me to. Let's do it right away.

-Angela mia!

We'll get you straightened out, then I'll ask Madge about Dale.

Mr Hardwick, there is to be a wedding this evening, and we need the bridal suite.

-Why...

-We've hardly settled in yet, have we, angel?

-No, we haven't... Please!

-Of course you may have it.

-Thank you, dear sir.

Brace up! Madge has merely heard something about this Violet girl.

-You tell her yourself. That's all she's waiting for.

-So I fear.

-The truth has never hurt any man.

-Jerry, you're RIGHT!

And if it does, I'll go to the hospital with you.

Horace, what is this? Halloween?!

Horace has a little confession.

Well, I've been waiting for this! Come in and get it off your chest.

(Better take your glasses off!)

Sit down.

Well?

Huh? Oh...

W-Well...

Horace met a young lady in London...

-You had an inkling or...

-You wouldn't be telling me now.

Never! Er, what? Er, certainly!

-Horace would like to make a clean breast of it.

-Before I find out.

Exactly. Madge, this girl was... What...? Oh, dear. I'm all mixed.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello?

Madge, darling, I just got married.

You got what? It sounded as if you said you just got married!

I did.

Where are you now? Going to the bridal suite?

A proper place for newly-weds!

I must compliment you on your speed! Who did you find to marry you?

Alberto?! You'd better hang up, Dale. I'm going to faint!

Dale?!

-Dale Tremont married?

-To that dressmaker.

-Good!

-Good?

-It's all his fault.

-MY fault?!

She told me how she slapped you.

Yes, b-but I'M the one she slapped!

She's been mistaking me for Horace all this time!

-Huh! No wonder she thought Horace was fascinating.

-I resent that!

Madge, where is she now?

-On her way to the bridal suite.

-Bridal suite!

-See you later.

-Jerry!

-That isn't fair.

-All is fair in love and war -

and this is revolution!

Ees very pretty!

Thank you, dear sir. Is there anything else, sir?

Please ask my wife to join me. It is a pleasure.

Di niente.

Hi!

-What are you doing?

-What are YOU?

-It ees my room!

-It is MY room!

-So? But

-I

-have the key!

So? But I have the key!

-I

-am Beddini!

-You got me there, pal.

We will see who owns thees room!

You shouldn't be in here. It isn't cricket.

It isn't tiddlywinks, either.

There ees a man in my bed! Un uomo? Ma certo!

-He isn't here yet. I'll just wait for my uncle here.

-Grazie, signore.

-I didn't know you had an uncle!

-Didn't you?

-No!

Well, I haven't. But this room is just above the bridal suite.

He ees not here. If he returns, call us. I will keel him!

Beddini motto: for the woman, the kiss, for the man, the sword.

Ma, prego, signore...

Ma bisogna fare qualche cosa!

# Alberto, you are a fine fellow!

# Albe-eee-erto Beddini!

# I'm so glad you're not skinny! #

Oh, Dale! You are lovely!

-Like a flower I am afraid to crush!

-Don't be afraid.

FRENETIC TAP-DANCING

-Make him stop!

-Who is it? Do you know?

-Yes, it's Horace.

-Horace Hardwick, that interlopper! I'll stop HEEM!!

For the man, the sword!

Mrs Hardwick!

-(He's coming!

-Oh.

-You keep this up.

-Right.)

Madge, come and rescue Horace from Alberto!

Salute!

Why, yes... Of course.

-I have to see you.

-Will you please stop annoying me?

-But you've been mistaken about me.

-No, I haven't.

-Then I'll stay here and there'll be a scene with your husband.

-He'll be furious if he finds you here!

Then please come with me for a minute. I must talk to you.

-So you see I am the wrong person.

-But you are Horace Hardwick?

-Of course!

Then you are not the wrong person! Prepare!

-I've come to see the fun!

-Tell him he's making a serious mistake!

It may be a mistake, but it's not serious. Go right ahead, Alberto.

No, I cannot kill him before a lady.

Maybe it's best you don't kill him. I may want that pleasure myself some day.

-But why didn't you tell me who you were?

-After all, I mean, you never gave me much of a chance.

Mr Travers! Mr Travers!

Mr Travers! >

Help, somebody!

I really did not want to keel you.

-You must forgeeve me.

-I "forgeeve" you.

-Oh!

- Don't mind me! - Oh!

Not tonight. Some other time. Thank you.

-Pardon me, sir.

-What is it?

Mr Travers and Miss Tremont are drifting out to the bay.

That'll teach you to accuse me! He's kidnapped her!

Kidnapped her?! You are IN dis plot! You are cahooting with him!

-I've had just about...

-Children! >

Should we not perhaps rescue them?

Yes! Come on!

-Isn't it marvellous to have brains?

-Brrrh!

-Be quiet! Do something!

-Sir!

-Jerry!

-That isn't Jerry. You're making a fool of yourself.

-There's no crime to look, is there?

ENGINE IS SILENT

-There is no gas left.

-Oh, my word! I'll check the engine. Where is it?

It may be hidden under the hood.

This is the first time I've ever had to walk back from a boat ride.

-Don't come. I'll talk to him alone.

-He'll have to get used to me.

Seriously, I'd rather you wouldn't.

-When am I going to see you again?

-..I don't know.

Mr Travers! They went to look for you, in a boat!

-Mr Beddini, too?

-Yes, all three. They won't be back this evening. We removed the gasoline.

Oh, thank you, Bates! Thank you!

DALE!!

Lei e in arresto. What is it, my good man?

Perche lei e vestito cosi? Oh, THESE? Yes... I'm masquerading.

Masquerading.

Don't you understand English? Inglese? No, signore.

You DON'T understand English? Oh, well, well, well!

I've been waiting for such an opportunity, you frozen-faced flat-foot!

Grazie, signore. Grazie to you, you stultified shrimp!

Grazie, signore.

Can I help it if you look like a mildewed donkey? Grazie, signore.

I'm adoring this! Grazie to you, since you insist.

I happen to be breaking the law, but you will never know it, you fish-faced nincompoop!

Grazie, signore. Good night!

Un momento.

I arrest you for masquerading as a gondolier.

I further charge you with insulting an officer with vile names.

Grazie(!)

MUSIC: "PICCOLINO"

Signore, shall I serve now, or wait for the groom?

-The groom won't be here tonight.

-Very good.

-Very good? It's perfect!

-I still feel a little guilty about him.

-Let's eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we have to face him!

MUSIC SWELLS TO FULL VOLUME

-#

-By the Adriatic waters Venetian sons and daughters

-#

-Are strumming a new tune upon their guitars

-#

-It was written by a Latin A gondolier who sat in...

-#

-His home out in Brooklyn and gazed at the stars

-#

-He sent his melody across the sea to Italy

-#

-And we know they wrote some words to fit that catchy bit

-#

-And christened it the Piccolino

-#

-And we know it is the reason Why everyone this season

-#

-Is humming and strumming a melody

-#

-Come to the Casino and hear them play the Piccolino

-#

-Dance with your bambino to the strains of the catchy Piccolino

-#

-Drink your glass of vino

-#

-And when you've had your plate of scaloppino

-#

-Make them play the Piccolino, the catchy Piccolino

-#

-And dance to the strains of that new melody

-#

-The Piccolino!

# By the Adriatic waters Venetian sons and daughters

# Are strumming a new tune upon their guitars

# Ah...! It was written by a Latin, A gondolier who sat in...

# His home out in Brooklyn and gazed at the stars

# He sent his melody across the sea to Italy

# And we know they wrote the words to fit that catchy bit

# And christened it the Piccolino

# We know it is the reason Why everyone this season

# Is strumming and humming a new melody

# Ah-ah...! AH!!

# Co-o-ome to the Casino

# And hear them play the Piccolino!

# Da-a-ance with your bambino

# To the strains of the catchy Piccolino

# Drink, drink your glass of vino!

# And when you've had your plate of scaloppino

# Make them play the Piccolino, the catchy Piccolino

# And dance to the strains of that new melody...

# The Piccolino! #

"PICCOLINO" PLAYS FAINTLY IN BACKGROUND

Atchoo!

The hour of reckoning is at hand. Beddini ees about to settle his accounts... Atchoo!

Skipper! Si, signora?

Will you tell my husband we're here?

He's the one with his mouth closed. Subito, signora!

Signor, alzati! Alzati!

-Alberto is as mad as a drunken toreador.

-Where is he?

-In the room.

-Jerry, I'd take the first plane back to London, pronto!

-Not until I've asked him for his wife's hand.

-Mr Hardwick! >

-What do you want?

-I regret to report that your valet has been arrested.

-Bates? Really?!

-He would still be in jail, but I bailed him out.

-No!

< KNOCK

Come in!

So, at LAST the leetle birdies have come flying back to the rooster!

Atchoo!

Gesundheit! Mr Beddini, we want to explain this whole thing to you.

I will not listen to excuses... not even the truth!

I have the most amazing news! A few days ago, my invaluable man, Bates...

-Allow me to tell them, sir!

-QUIET!

->

A few days ago, my invaluable...

The needle has got stuck! You tell it, Bates. Thank you, madam.

Miss Dale, Mr Hardwick thought you were dangerous...

-And he asked me to follow you, lest you did something...dangerous.

-Follow me?

-Yes.

I thought up many little disguises.

This evening I met Mr Beddini and Miss Tremont,

and fearing they might recognise me, I turned my collar around like THIS.

And very cleverly, I became a clergyman.

- You are the one who married us! - Yes!

-Then we're NOT really married?

-Precisely.

Well, well, well!

Mr Beddini, what are you doing in this young lady's room?!

MUSIC: "PICCOLINO"

Subtitles by Alison Loudon, BBC