One of Our Dinosaurs is Missing

Once upon a time...

..during those incredible years after World War One,

when ruthless warlords ruled the people of China...

My grandchildren never weary of hearing that most thrilling tale

of how I got the legendary Lotus X

out of China once and for all.

My real troubles began in a little hillside town

near the Tibetan border.

IN CHINESE: Is that him?

Hurry up!

Wake up!

Follow that yak!

SQUAWK!

SQUAWK! SQUAWK!

Go away!

< SPLASH!

Thanks, old boy! I don't think you're abominable at all!

-Good afternoon, Lord Southmere.

-Oh, what-o, Bunky.

Did you get Lotus X?

-I'd rather not talk about it here.

-Of course.

-What IS Lotus X?

-The greatest thing since the Chinese invented gunpowder.

Does Marshal Wu Tsai know you've pinched his Lotus X?

I think you could say that. He went absolutely bonkers!

-His men searched me three times.

-You will be glad...

Don't mumble, man.

-Your car, Your Lordship.

-Oh, thank you.

Mr Haines has gone to look for Your Lordship's luggage.

I've to pick him up later.

CAR HORN BLOWS

I haven't seen you before, driver.

No. New boy.

SQUEAL OF TYRES

-Why are we taking this route?

-Kensington High Street torn up.

Go back to Kensington High Street, please.

Sir?

I would guess your umbrella is actually a gun.

For a new boy, your guess is accurate!

Don't make a fuss, Your Lordship. We are followed by friends of mine.

-Professional assassins?

-Yes, sir.

SCREECH!

Come on!

Well, I never did!

Stop! Leave that!

EVERYONE SHOUTING AT ONCE

Stop that disturbance!

RINGING

RINGING

Come on! Get out of here!

-Plan D.

-Yes, master.

-Outrageous!

-Well, he won't get far.

INSTRUCTIONS BEING ISSUED IN CHINESE

Do you know anything about this lot, sir?

This is a Chinese Cultural Mission. Just arrived.

I see. Well...that explains it. Just doing my duty, sir. Sorry if...

-We go inside, Quon.

-Yes, master.

-You search over there.

-Ha!

-Ha!

Lord Castleberry, find your nanny.

She'll be all right. Do as I say!

Oh, all right!

OH!

-Search it!

-No!

-Prophet Jonah saved life by hiding in belly of whale.

-Whale swallow Jonah for lunch.

-No time for this discussion. Do it.

-Why did you take my pram?

-I'm so sorry. I'm afraid I... Nanny?

Master Edward! How you've grown!

I was only six when you left.

-Are you all right?

-No, I had a bump...I'm afraid I...I...

Emily, get a doctor!

No, Nanny. Listen.

I'm on a mission. There's not a moment to lose.

Master Edward, your mind is wandering.

It's Lotus X - a small piece of film. I hid it on the dinosaur.

You must find it before the others do.

-The big dinosaur.

-The big dinosaur.

-Shall we take it to the police?

-No, no!

-The Army?

-The Prime Minister?

-No, take it to...

-He's fainted.

Can we help, ladies?

-Lord Southmere's had an accident.

-I am well-known as a doctor in my own country.

We will take a look at him.

-I hope everything will be all right. They ARE foreigners!

-Stop fussing. We'll do what Master Edward said.

-I never dreamt Master Edward would be a secret agent.

-Is that what he is?

On our side, of course.

-Where will we take Lotus X?

-To the King. HE is trustworthy.

There you are! Peter's nanny is fed up looking after Jennifer.

I want my tea!

This is closed for redecoration. Hop it!

-Don't be impertinent.

-Quiet, Emily. We'll come back.

Don't call us. We'll call you.

I also do paper tearing, dragon imitations,

Chinese card tricks and I throw my voice.

-Nothing else?

-Sometimes I double as Maitre D'. Very suave.

Start tonight. We split the tips.

Curio shop as front had more dignity than this nightclub!

Hrrh!

Tell me, Quon. How is Englishman?

One of us is beginning to crack.

Have you ever had an Englishman explain a game of cricket to you?

How well you know your business. The shriek of plumbing

-like souls in torment!

-This is the star dressing room!

We do not intend to torture you.

-No bamboo splinters underneath the fingernails?

-You have seen too many films!

-THIS seems a bit mediaeval.

-We are people of ancient tradition.

I'm not a spy. I'm just a simple businessman.

That is the usual cover, isn't it?

-Would you care to sit down?

-That's nice of you.

MUTTERINGS IN CHINESE

Please tell us all you know about Lotus X.

Lotus X. Isn't that what Mr Quon keeps harping on about?

Only that bash I had... Put my memory on the blink.

Loss of memory. Very convenient. I like the old days with bamboo splinters under the fingernails.

Quon, I've got my own methods.

-Lord Southmere.

-Listening, old boy.

I think that to bring the formula into the country, you put it on a small piece of film,

which was easy to hide.

Whatever you say. I don't like to teach you fellows your business.

-Where is the film now?

-Where indeed?

Where...? Ah.

When you came into the country,

you and your luggage were carefully examined.

You were watched day and night.

There was no opportunity for you to pass it to anyone else.

Hrrh! The nanny!

The nanny in the museum.

She was looking after you.

Nice old girl, isn't she?

-She has it, or knows where it is.

-Whatever you say.

-Where does she live?

-No idea.

-I haven't seen her for 25 years.

-25 years?

-Yes.

-What is her name?

-Well, I mean...

-"Well, I mean...?"

-Nanny.

-I need some other name besides Nanny.

Everybody just calls her...Nanny!

Ridiculous! Even for English!

If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable,

please scream.

-Find that nanny.

-All English look alike. Those eyes.

You cannot tell what they're thinking.

Most times they think of nothing. Don't come back without Nanny.

Come along, dear.

I have a relief nurse on my afternoons off.

And she said, "Nevertheless,

"I have decided to look after the children myself..."

Come and sit down, Amy. >

Master Peter kept me up all night.

I think he does it to spite me.

You know what children are like!

Anything for attention!

-Emily, so glad you came.

-Is there word?

Just a moment.

-Master Richard, go for a brisk walk.

-I'm reading.

Lady Alice doesn't like you reading. Said it gave his father brain fever.

I want to take my snake for a crawl. All right.

Wouldn't you like to go too? No, thank you.

No word from Master Edward. His club haven't heard from him for months.

-I wonder if that foreign gentleman WAS a doctor.

-Can't we tell the police?

Oh, no! Master Edward expressly forbade it.

-What will we do?

-I have a plan which is RATHER ingenious.

-What we do...

-BABY CRIES

Should we take him for a stroll?

GRRR! GRRR!

Then, Susan Carmody, who looks after Mrs Haven-Smythe's twins.

Quite suitable for our operation.

Who else have we? Tilly Day!

RATTLING

They'll be waiting for us.

I hope they measure up. Nannies are not like we were in our youth.

Stop!

Ha! Awake. Where is that confounded Quon?

There.

CRACKLE OF ICE

What did you hear? What did Nanny lady say?

I can't tell you the purpose of the mission,

but it is of national importance.

I know you will do your duty.

Meet at the Natural History Museum,

at ten minutes before closing time.

BELL RINGS Closing time. All visitors out, please.

'Closing time. All visitors out. The museum is closing.'

(We'll give them five minutes.)

(How exciting! I feel biblical, hiding inside a whale's belly.)

(Sssh. Someone's coming.)

So glad you like our dinosaurs, Mr Spence.

They got size. That's what we like.

-I'm from Texas, you know.

-Oh?

Linda Sue wants to buy something antiquated. And preferably big.

Doggone, we sure would make their eyes pop back home

with one of them dinosaur things.

We have no dinosaurs for sale now or in the future.

Why, doggone, if you ain't as sly as a one-eyed Amarilla Coyote in Dallas chicken country.

You KNOW this country boy's gonna have that big old dinosaur.

All right, ladies.

(Maureen, you take the first three ribs on the left.)

(Nora, you take the next three.)

(Daphne - the left fibia and tibia.)

-(What's that?)

-(The hind leg, of course.)

(With all that weight, suppose the beast fell on us?)

(We would be the first people in two million years)

-(to be killed by a dinosaur.

-Oh!)

< Tea's up.

Oh! OH. Oh-ho!

-Ahh!

-(Quiet!)

That's enough larking about.

-Emily, what ARE you doing?

-I decided to help them upstairs. All right, ladies.

Emily! Are you all right?

A little dizzy, that's all.

Close your eyes and hold on.

-I'll send someone to get you down. Stay on the ground in future.

-Yes.

Sorry, we have to go. We have children to look after.

Of course you must.

I didn't think this would take so long. Thank you all for coming.

Be quiet as you climb through the window.

Can I stay? My children are at the seaside.

Of course. But have a cup of tea.

I've never had such a wonderful time before! Whee!

You don't behave like that in front of the children?

Oh, no! But I do slide down the banisters sometimes.

I wish you'd have another look at the left femur...

I don't want to upset you,

but we've been over every inch of that beast again and again.

-Master Edward said, "You must find it before the others."

-Whoever they are.

"Others" already here.

Excuse me, ladies. You will come with me.

Attention, ladies. His Radiant Presence approaches. Hup!

His Revered Master Hnup Wan.

Hnup Wan! Of course!

I thought you looked familiar.

But so important now!

-You know me?

-Of course.

Who could ever forget darling little Panda Nose?

-Pet of the Diplomatic set.

-Panda Nose?

Characteristic Occidental nonsense! English give their children pet names,

like fish, puppies, kittens, fowl and the rest of it.

-Panda Nose!

-Quon, Quon, that is enough.

Well, this IS nice.

And your nanny said you would never amount to anything -

a difficult child, clever in some ways,

-but backward with your toilet training.

-QUON GIGGLES

-Milk or lemon?

-Milk, of course. Mind you put it in before the tea.

Chinese have been pouring tea many years before British even knew about it!

-Ridiculous!

-Historical fact.

-Chinese were making tea when English were swinging from trees!

-How DARE YOU, sir! Apologise...

Emily, sit down, please.

The Chinese people DID discover tea.

Which the English stole from us.

English built mighty Empire on formula stolen from Chinese.

It is a matter of making the tea properly. You rapidly boil...

I DON'T NEED a lesson in how to make tea. I want Lotus X!

Which Lord Southmere stole from us.

-Marshal Wu Tsai insists on it being returned. Hrrh.

-Hrrh.

Perhaps ladies know what Lotus X is? That would help.

Be still, foolish one. Do you wish these foreign women to know

YOU don't know what it is?

You must forgive Mr Quon.

With tortures he is best man in business, but he is young.

Now then, where is Lord Southmere? What have you done with him?

According to Mr Quon,

you were seen to be searching for a small object

on a dinosaur in the museum.

You did not find it, so either your search was inadequate,

or Lord Southmere did not tell you where it was.

Think what you like.

-I DEMAND to see Lord Southmere.

-Precisely what I wish you to do.

FAN CHOY! Oh, there you are. Show these ladies the way.

Master Hnup.

Nanny will be very cross

-if Lord Southmere is not in the best of health.

-Yes, Nanny.

You, the Tiger of China, let English women talk to you like that?

They also call me The Muscle of Mongolia.

But with her, you were tame little Panda Nose!

I was brought up by an English nanny, hence my better English!

Every time that woman speak, I tremble in every fibre.

KUNG FU CRIES

Move on, please.

Hello, Nanny.

Master Edward, are you all right?

-(Did you get the film?)

-Those people interrupted us.

It would have been easier if you had told Nanny

where on dinosaur it was hidden.

I can't remember. That bang on the head must have done it.

This room is unhealthy. No air.

-And they've chained you to the wall.

-But on the bright side,

amnesia very often disappear, given good care and attention.

So out of compassion, I am leaving you THREE nurses to look after you

till your memory returns.

KEY TURNS

We have children to look after!

Fan Choy! Oh! Ask these ladies' employers

-to make other arrangements.

-Master Hnup!

You wouldn't be afraid of a poor little old nanny like me?

Would you?

Yes, Nanny.

He always was a rude boy.

-How exciting! Imagine meeting a REAL spy!

-I'm NOT a spy.

-Why do you say that?

-You're NOT a spy?

Don't be upset, child. They always say that. This is Susan.

-How d'you do?

-Well, thank you.

-Remember Emily? From the museum.

-Oh-h, yes!

Young woman. Telephone number.

KUNG FU CRIES

They must be VERY strong.

I'M just as strong. Two times as strong.

My boyfriend can throw up a brick and break it with one hand.

Very easy.

Watch!

HA!

Wonderful! Do it again.

Those bricks are crumbly. This is just a partition wall.

Watch what I do to this wall.

Can YOU do that?

Haaaa!

Hurry up, Hettie.

Well, it's you, Nanny.

-What's the meaning of this curious behaviour?

-Never you mind.

-Go back to your beds.

-All right.

And put that snake back in its box.

Broken wall being repaired. No-one will escape from dressing room now.

In the meantime, important despatch from home.

Why has this not been decoded?

It has. First, English telegram system.

Next, we put it into secret code.

Then through our own coding room. It's simple.

If so simple, kindly read.

Secret Communique.

Cannot stress too strongly importance of Lotus X.

Failure to recover will result in many heads rolling.

Repeat: many heads will roll!

Why so cheerful? I am aware you seek to replace me

as Chief of London Intelligence Agency.

Young warrior cannot be blamed for wanting to better himself.

Do not indulge in self-congratulation.

-There is much to do.

-How shall we begin? Nannies find nothing.

Unworthy one who seeks my job,

I will now show you the difference which separates the lion from the jackal.

Coolie from Lord of Creation, rickshaw boy from passenger.

Yes?

We shall steal dinosaur.

Steal...dinosaur?

Steal dinosaur.

Oh-h-h-h-h!

I tremble before my radiant lord and master. He is the rising sun.

He is the mighty Yangtze River in spring flood!

He is the rolling sea!

He is the flowers of spring.

I tremble.

I am prostrate.

Now you are getting the idea. Hrrh.

CHILDREN SINGING

-What do we do, now? Do you think those Chinese...?

-Sssh!

Master Richard, join in that game.

I am too old for that. At my age, Mozart had composed six concertos.

-Never mind foreign boys. Join in the game.

-All right.

I'm not climbing around on that dinosaur.

You won't need to. I'm waiting for the Chinese to make a move.

But how will we know?

It's Susan's day off. I've sent her to Soho to keep an eye on them.

That Italian coffee place.

-The one opposite the nightclub?

-We're going after the party.

-Forbes, I'll be late tonight. Please look after the children.

-Very good, Nanny.

Emily...

does that old clattering motorbike of yours still run?

Of course it does.

Bring it along. We may need it.

-Has anything happened?

-Only that I've had 12 coffees without milk.

ENGINE BACKFIRES

We're in luck. Just had it tuned. Look!

"Limehouse Harmony Club Annual Outing?" I don't believe that!

-They're making their move.

-What move is it?

-Emily, you follow them.

-I'm off.

-Telephone us here if you find out anything.

-Can I go?

-No!

All those Chinese away at last. I'm going to rescue Master Edward.

-Aren't I going too?

-No.

You wait for Emily to telephone. Something exciting will turn up for you!

Nanny seems to be leading a double life.

Come on.

Ah!

They're just masks. Jolly lifelike, though. Yes.

SCREECH!

Let's go. It's scaring my snake. Nonsense. We haven't found Nanny.

'Operator.' Will you try Soho 3124 again, please?

MAN SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

'I'm sorry, Soho 3124 is still engaged.'

(Here she comes.)

Ahh! Ohh! Oooh!

I don't know who you are, or what you think you're doing,

but you can't frighten me.

I told you it wouldn't work.

SQUEAL OF TYRES

Where's Hettie? She's trying to rescue Lord Southmere.

Go and fetch her, quickly!

-Thank goodness I found you, Master Edward.

-Wonderful!

My memory has come back.

-I've come to get you OUT!

-I remember where I hid the film.

I climbed up the right-hand front leg and onto the vertebrae.

I hid the piece of film on the nape of the neck.

-Nape...

-The Chinese are on their way to the museum.

You must go over there right away.

ENGINE BACKFIRES

It's Lord Southmere, friend of father's,

and he's in a pickle.

Oh, it's young Castleberry.

Don't worry, sir. We'll call the police. Have you out quickly.

Not the police. Anything but that.

You WANT to be chained?! Father always said you were odd.

-Oh, really? Well, the situation is extremely sensitive.

-What?

-Don't want to cause embarrassment.

-Can you explain that, sir?

-No, my lips are sealed.

-I've got it.

-He's a spy.

-WHY DOES... Why does everyone say that?

-I'm a businessman.

-Oh, dear.

-What's wrong?

-Henrietta's loose.

Who's Henrietta?

Oh!

Bad, bad snake. Get in there!

Goodbye, sir. Bye, sir.

-One question, O brilliant master.

-Yes, O youthful seeker of knowledge?

Why are all the large boxes we have with us marked "Soy Sauce?"

-Because they've got Soy Sauce in them.

-Ah.

What will we do with so much Soy Sauce?

It is impolite to take a dinosaur without replacing it with something.

BEEP BEEP! BELL RINGING

Sorry! Whoops!

You drive. I'll make the apologies.

SHRILL WHISTLE >

-Good evening, my good man.

-Good evening.

Kindly open the big door for me.

I don't know about that, sir... Hang on a moment.

Big door.

-Mr Thumley!

-What's the matter?

Those Oriental blokes want me to open the big door.

-What for? What Oriental blokes?

-They've brought a load of crates too.

-We're going the wrong way.

-It's a short cut.

-Don't try to be clever. Turn here.

SCRE-ECH!

Wait till I tell my mum about this!

ALL TALK IN CHINESE

Just a moment.

-You are curator?

-No. That would be Sir Geoffrey Wilkins.

-He's in...

-No, he's in Yugoslavia,

acquiring a butterfly collection.

Sir Geoffrey must have told you about the famous Hoan Ling collection.

-A gift of Chinese Government to His Majesty's Museum.

-No!

He has forgotten?

My government will take the most serious view of this.

I shall have to telegraph Peking.

There's been a misunderstanding.

You blame this on Chinese?

Ohhh, how typical!

How typical! Aaah!

I'm most dreadfully sorry. I'll telephone your ambassador.

CRASH! SMASHING GLASS

HE SPEAKS IN CHINESE

Glad to see it's all going well.

-What did ambassador say?

-He was out of town, on holiday.

-Picking up English habits.

-I also pick up a thing or two.

Please go ahead with whatever it was you planned to do.

Sorry I didn't understand, sir.

Ready for next part of plan Radiant.

Bring out the dinosaur, but do not damage the floor.

-Excuse me...

-We're very busy.

-I know you'll think me foolish,

but it sounded as though you said you were taking the dinosaur!

That is precisely what I did say.

Look, I'm afraid we're having another misunderstanding.

-Will I explain it in simple language?

-Thank you.

We want to borrow the dinosaur

till we find what we want. Then we return it.

-Surely Sir Geoffrey has told you about that?

-Certainly not!

This is not a lending library, you know!

Oh dear, we are going to have an ugly squabb-ble. Fan Choy.

Aaaah!

They're going to steal our dinosaur.

Oi! You leave that alone!

Come on, lads.

Dinosaur!

MOVE.

Stop 'em!

Ow!

Get the bone!

ALL: Aaaaah!

Aaargh!

Nice goings-on! Where are you taking us? My wife likes me to keep regular hours!

You go to countryside.

FAN CHOY: Two days, then we let you go.

My wife will want to know about this.

GROANINGS AND EXCLAMATIONS

-Not me, as well!

-Sir Geoffrey has told you nothing at all.

-Argh!

-Dinosaur ready!

-Ah.

OH!

It's alive!

FAN CHOY: Nanny ladies steal dinosaur!

We follow it!

Are you sure you can drive this?

-It's like an ordinary lorry.

-Can you drive a lorry?

-Of course!

During the war, I drove the farm lorry.

-They're after us.

-I'll get those Chinese gentlemen so lost

no-one will see them again.

You are allowing those women to get away from us! You're supposed to be a good driver!

-Oh!

-Faster. Faster!

Mind the fog!

Dear me!

CRASH!

-Now you have lost them.

-I will find them again!

-Hrrh! Shut the door.

-MUFFLED THUMPING

Well?

Always you are right, worthy master. I have lost them.

Drive on, unworthy pupil.

YELLS FROM OUTSIDE

ALL: Argh!

Everybody back in car. No, master. Everybody go home.

-No sign of the Chinese.

-Said I'd get rid of them.

-Main road ahead.

-I'll hoot the hooter.

HOOT! HOOT!

HOOT!

-Where are we supposed to be going?

-Haven't made up my mind.

Don't know where we are now.

THUMPING

Darnation! Who the...?

What the...?

Very sorry, I'm sure.

A couple of pockets picked, sir, and one nice smash and grab.

-That's all.

-Bank Holiday.

Sharp boys must be off to the seaside.

-Everything else calm, Eppers?

-Would I lie to you, sir?

You're strangely quiet, my love.

This thing seems to be losing its zip.

Try poking the fire, Emily.

No good. It's almost out of coal.

-Put more on, then.

-All right.

HORSE NEIGHS

METALLIC CRASH

-We're going better now.

-Well, I've shovelled enough coal.

-It's all over your face.

-Just being thorough.

MUSIC: "A Hundred Pipers"

Och! Nessie! Why would she leave the crystal waters of Loch Ness

for a dirty, muddy London river?

A sad end indeed for the Scottish monster.

Oh, come on.

Our chaps are a bit restless tonight.

It's the mating season, you know.

Poor High Pockets.

They haven't found her a mate yet.

-More coal, Emily.

-Oh, very well.

Can I help? I can manage PERFECTLY well.

RATTLING

RATTLING

Will you stop that infernal...?

Good gracious.

Wonderful luck! Creature I've never bagged before.

It will look magnificent over the fireplace.

CLICK Blast the thing!

Aah!

Come back in, dear. You know the night air is bad for you.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

Colonel Mortimer is riding on a dinosaur! How odd.

He's fallen off.

You there! Pull up!

We must go after him. Extraordinary creature...

-Has it got a long tail and neck?

-Enormous!

Drive on.

Wait for me, sir!

TEARING

Drive on, man. Drive on.

Dinosaur!

Faster, man. Faster!

BANG!

They've found us again.

HOOT!

HOOT! SQUEAL OF TYRES

HE CRIES OUT IN CHINESE

Steady! Steady!

I see it!

Ha-ha-ha!

Keep it straight, man.

HOOT! HOOT!

BEEP! BEEP!

BANG! BANG!

SCREECH!

That's the wrong way!

SCREECH...CRASH!

Aren't you thrilled? No! I'm damaged.

Help!

What's happened to this road?

It isn't a road. We're on a racecourse.

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.

Evens on the long-necked filly. 4/1 today.

Heh-heh! Move faster.

BEEP! BEEP!

-Stop your vehicle, madam.

-Do NOT order me about, Panda Nose.

-If not, I shall resort to the gravest measures.

-Indeed!

The long-necked filly's run out! Evens on the chestnut.

-Where now?

-Look out!

And there's the other one.

Stop fussing.

-Faster!

-Argh!

BOTH: Argh! CRASH!

Hee-hee! Ha-ha!

Next time I drive both cars. Hrrh!

-Wait a minute.

-HOOT! HOOT!

-We've just got on a train.

-Oh, dear, how do you reverse?

HOOT! HOOT!

I wish I knew where we were going. Somewhere exciting I hope!

-Oh! Dinosaur.

-Dinosaur!

Goodbye, Panda Nose.

-Where am I?

-England, sir. >

You ARE lost, aren't you, sir?

Hrrh!

No, Mrs Thumley, we haven't heard a thing. I understand how worried you must be...

-Good morning, Miss Prescott!

-Here's Sir Geoffrey now.

-I got the lot!

-Every butterfly in the collection.

-..I wanted to call the police...

You must call the press! Call everyone!

-What a glorious day! Where's Thumley?

-I don't know.

There's NO-ONE here. No guards. No-one.

-Particularly no Mr Thumley.

-But he's always on time!

-Ring him up.

-I DID. Mrs Thumley doesn't know anything.

-He didn't come home last night. Would you like to speak to Mrs Thumley?

-No.

I never interfere in a subordinate's personal life. Sly old dog!

Are the butterflies nice?

-Are you pleased?

-Pleased?! Hardly the word.

I'm dotty with joy! They are magnificent!

-They'll explode a bombshell never to be forgot.

-Oh, I almost forgot,

-a Mr Haycock from the British News Association is here.

-Splendid!

Must have got wind about my butterflies!

-Good morning, sir.

-Haycock, sir.

British News Association. Nothing escapes YOU!

-I wonder if you could help me, sir.

-Yes! Yugoslavian butterflies.

A case should be here sometime this morning. When I arrived...

No, sir, it's about a dinosaur.

A rumour is it's moving about London. Do you know about that?

Dinosaur? Ridiculous. They've been extinct for YEARS!

I know. Could it perhaps be a skeleton?

-Could it be stolen?

-Who'd steal that?

No market for it! How would you pawn a dinosaur skeleton?

You're not making sense!

-Sir, it couldn't be one of yours?

-Certainly not! Not one of mine.

I run a tight ship here.

Could I see your dinosaurs, sir? For some background.

Of course. And afterwards, we can chat about my butterflies.

Our Brontosaurus is a fine example. 60 feet from tail-tip to head.

-Speaking of fine examples, my butterflies...

-I really am more interested in dinosaurs.

Nun zu den Nachrichten aus Grossbritannien.

..la disparition du Dinausore Britannique.

BOTH CONTINUE IN GERMAN AND FRENCH

Home Secretary here.

Sir Geoffrey, the Cabinet has been discussing

the disastrous occurrence at your museum. You can imagine how distressed the Prime Minister is.

-I...

-The foreign Press are making Britain a laughing-stock.

The French Prime Minister has already phoned! Bad jokes in extremely poor taste.

-I...

-How can Britain protect small countries if not a dinosaur?

-This may be the moment for good news.

-W-what good news?

A-about the collection of Yugoslavian butterflies...

Good day, sir!

How much further?

We have to find a safe place for the dinosaur.

-We've only five pieces of coal left.

-Oh, dear.

-I hope you'll get it back quickly.

-Don't you worry, sir.

I've pulled fellows like you out of trouble before. Me and my boys are experts.

Take Sergeant Bromley. The most extraordinary nose in the British Empire.

You've changed your hair oil.

Suits you better than that other muck!

-And Dr Freemo estimates things.

-How d'you do?

Sir Geoffrey Wilkins - 54 years old. All original teeth. Weight: 13 stone one pound, ounce and a half.

-Blue underpants, probably. Pets...

-That's enough, Freemo.

-Get on the case.

-Conversation time -

-one minute 32 seconds. Purpose - shop talk - of no use.

-Scientific Criminology. You can't beat it!

Perfect place to hide a dinosaur.

-Except for that!

-No-one will come here.

What are these bits of paper? Possibly a paperchase.

I think it's coming now!

Quick. Quickly!

That's the way, boys. That's the way!

Run along! You're doing well.

-I thought they had us that time.

-Get up, Emily. We have work to do.

-The Home Secretary to see you, sir.

-Glad you dropped in. We are hard at it.

Carry on, Grubbs. Just as though I wasn't here.

Carry on, Sergeant. Never mind about the paint smells.

In M8, I get four types of soap, running to lavender and lilac,

characteristic of older women.

Then, moving on to M9...

..there's plenty of dust.

Cigarette ash, tobacco, certainly of North China origin.

Biscuit crumbs. Threads of cotton fibre from low-cost stockings.

Four strands of women's hair. Three brown, one bleached.

Taking it all in all,

I have reached these conclusions -

six or more British Nannies

have conspired with 15 or more Orientals to pilfer the dinosaur.

Orientals and nannies? But, why?

-The motive is the subject of my next inquiry.

-Excellent!

I knew I could count on you. Orientals and nannies!

Mark my words, the roots are deep, Grubbs.

-To let you know we always have our eye on you.

-Decent of you to remind me.

-Very kind of you to take that chain off for me.

-I have decided to change my tactics.

You do not respond to harsh treatment.

Well, I appreciate the change.

Spirits should relax sometime.

Put aside the strains of our dangerous professions.

-Let...

-Forget invisible ink, fingerprints,

all the perils of espionage, and just face one another,

-like two friends.

-Cheers.

Thank you. But I'm not a spy, just an ordinary businessman.

-Ordinary businessman?

-Precisely!

-Yet you steal Lotus X.

-Ah.

Great Celestial Leader does not like his military secrets stolen.

He not got very many.

It make him...peevish.

Peevish, yes. P-Peevish. I'm afraid I'm not very well up on military secrets.

And yet you conceal Lotus X on dinosaur.

And now your nanny have stolen dinosaur.

Really? Always was an enterprising old girl.

-Where would she have taken it?

-Haven't the foggiest idea, old man.

-One never knows what they do on their day off.

-Put me down. >

Found young Englishmen wandering around building.

Ow!

You shouldn't keep hanging round here. It's dangerous.

I thought Nanny might be here.

At the moment, Nanny's legging it round the countryside with a big dinosaur.

A dinosaur? That's jolly good!

Wait a moment. WHICH big dinosaur?

WHICH dinosaur? There is more than one?

-There's a Brontosaurus and a Diplodocus. They're both dinosaurs.

-BOTH dinosaurs.

Lord Southmere, upon which one of those dinosaurs did you place Lotus X?

I don't know their names.

Have I chased the wrong dinosaur?

It's not here.

It must be. Didn't Master Edward say, "The nape of the neck?"

Yes, but he must have been muddled.

I'm going back to London.

-We'd ALL like to do that.

-No, you guard the dinosaur.

Susan, collect wood for the boiler.

I shall speak to Master Edward. His memory must be recovered now.

You can't walk in and out of that Chinese place like this.

I got in once. I should manage again.

-How will you get to London?

-Stand by the road looking pathetic.

Some kind gentleman will help me.

Come on, boys, come on.

-< This hall is closed.

-So it is.

-First the painters,

then our Brontosaurus got pinched.

Oh...? Oh, yes, I read something in the paper.

But you've got the Diplodocus and Pterodactyl. The latter is a prehistoric bird.

-Brainy nipper!

-All right, we'll go and see the spiders.

Can't we see the dinosaurs, Uncle?

-My heart bleeds for the poor little fellow.

-I know how you feel.

I've got a couple of nephews too.

I'll let the lads have a peek. Thank you, sir. I haven't seen you.

-You can't see me now.

-BOTH CHUCKLE

Go and play with the Pterodactyl. I'll look at the Diplo...docus.

Diplodocus!

AHHH!

(Ah.)

Thank you, boys. I'm obliged.

-You learn too quickly.

-BOTH: Thank you, Uncle.

-But where are the boys?

-I've no idea, Nanny.

I gave them their lunch and then they just hopped it.

-PHONE RINGS

-I'll answer that.

-Hello.

-Hettie! I'm cold.

-It's you, Emily. Yes.

I know it must be damp and cold out there in the wood.

I'm sorry you had to walk so far to the telephone. Emily, I'm being as quick as I can.

I shall take a taxi to their place.

-BOTH: Hello, Nanny.

-Where have you been all afternoon?

You've got someone on the phone.

-I'm aware of that.

-We've been to the museum with the Chinese gentleman.

It's the boys, Emily. I'm waiting for them to...

What did you say?

-Nothing, really. Come along.

-Stay there.

-Both of you.

-'How long have we to stay...?'

Be quiet! Oh, it's you, Susan. What are you doing on the telephone?

One of you should be watching the...the creature!

What creature, Nanny? An animal?

-Or do you mean the dinosaur?

-What do you know about the dinosaur?

Only that it happens to be the wrong dinosaur.

-'Hettie...'

-Emily, do be quiet. Something important is going on.

We might have saved you a lot of trouble,

but you wouldn't trust us. It always had to be this silly nanny business.

"Clean your teeth, comb your hair, elbows off the table, wipe your feet."

It's clear to me you've botched everything.

I will speak to you later about your rudeness.

In the meantime, what IS this about going to the museum with a Chinese gentleman?

Just the business to do with the tiny piece of film.

Truscott and I showed him the right dinosaur.

Got his property back without any trouble at all.

There is an easy way to do everything.

Emily, I've made a dreadful, dreadful mistake.

We've stolen the wrong dinosaur.

The Chinese have the Lotus X film.

Then, it's all over?

The difficult part has just begun.

Now they have the film, what will they do with Master Edward? I've got to do something.

But, Hettie... PHONE GOES DEAD

I'm not letting that woman get into trouble without me.

HOOT! HOOT!

I'm afraid my wood wasn't dry.

BLOWS WHISTLE

Great Celestial Leader, we are alone.

You and I. I have not betrayed your trust.

Lotus X is found!

At last I will share your well-kept secret.

Orders from Celestial Leader Wu Tsai - NO-ONE may see Lotus X.

-Least of all you, unworthy one.

-Unworthy? Where have you been?

Doing my job. Sending messages to Peking.

-You send message to Peking without my permission?

-Yes.

-Peking appreciate added information.

-Such as?

I sent telegram saying your brilliant idea for stealing dinosaur

has ended in disaster.

How was the news received?

I am SO sorry.

-In a yak's eye, you sorry.

-I am also new head of London office.

Explanation, please.

Thanks for explanation.

The Reluctant Dragon, Soho. Up you go!

The Reluctant Dragon in Soho.

-What are you doing?

-We're going with you.

-You're going to bed!

You wouldn't want me to call the police? Might cause a rumpus.

-Might even turn up in a newspaper.

-That's blackmail.

It is. "Lord Castleberry's nanny pinched a dinosaur from the museum.

-"Frightful mess!"

-You wouldn't dare.

Might give nannies a bad name. Nothing left to believe in.

Bring the whole system of nannies crashing down about our ears.

Get in.

Ain't my fault it's empty!

There's the Bank Holiday,

and they celebrated your birthday by everybody stopping work,

and leaving town. It's a compliment!

-Good evening, ladies.

-Table for 12.

I'm sure we can squeeze you in.

This way, please.

Table for 12.

Some people in fancy clothes to celebrate your birthday.

-Is Mr Hnup here?

-Yes, do you wish to see him?

-All in good time.

Amazing the clutter one accumulates over the years. Miniature jade dragon from Soochow.

Hurry up! I have work to do.

An autographed picture of Marshal Wu's mother. She liked me.

-Hello. Ready for another chat?

-Mr Hnup is not chatting to anyone.

He is leaving us under a cloud, probably for Outer Mongolia!

I'm sorry to hear that. We were beginning to get on well.

Spurs from my old cavalry school...

Celestial Leader very angry about Operation Lotus X bungle.

-If this stupidity should become known, he will lose face.

-Quite.

Therefore, I have been instructed by Peking

that anyone who could tell of this must be eliminated.

That's a very sensible...

-D-don't look at me.

-I AM looking at you.

Take Lord Southmere downstairs.

I shall deal with this unpleasant business - personally.

-So sorry.

-..So am I.

Come along, Master Edward, time you went home. You don't look well.

After him, you idiots!

GENERAL SHOUTING AND RUMPUS

-The dinosaur is heading for Soho.

-Come along.

-I really think I ought to give my nanny a hand.

-She seems to be doing rather well on her own.

Nannies don't like to be interfered with. "Nanny knows best." Ring a bell?

Sound thinking, old boy.

One point to me.

You lose two points. You hit a nanny.

Hah!

Your friend Quon seems put out.

Bit of bad luck. First day on new job and everything go up in smoke.

-This plum wine is from Chefu. Amusing little vintage.

-Nice.

The English DO have fun!

Go get 'im!

Aaaah!

I SHOULD give a hand.

If you come in on your side, I'd have to come in on mine.

Lock them up!

I wish they'd look where they're going.

Get up and fight!

Cowards!

He's the leader. That's five.

Oh, dear!

Argh!

THEY LAUGH

Don't you dare laugh at me,

miserable females!

LAUGHTER STOPS

Jolly good shot!

I never knew she had it in her!

(Look out, Quon.)

CRASH!

A touch of laryngitis.

My voice give out at odd... moments.

BELL RINGING What's that?

It's the police!

Can't stop now! Why not? Our brakes have gone!

That's real nice of them. Happy birthday, Linda Sue.

The Home Secretary, sir.

Sorry to ring you at home, sir, but I thought you'd want the news.

I have recovered the stolen object,

and we may consider the case of the missing dinosaur closed.

Don't thank me. Just doing my duty.

Both in the same hand.

Jolly good show, Nanny. I'm almost sorry I was so beastly. Me, too.

It came out all right in the end. Things usually do.

Ah, Nanny, now we're all here.

Where's that nice Mr Quon?

Resting comfortable, perhaps for the last time.

Owing to his stupidity, London police now has Lotus X.

They were kind enough to hand it to me - the rightful owner.

I'll show you the secret of Lotus X.

Take three measures of ripe green pea pods,

add one cup of juice from medium-sized pressed duck.

-Then you... This must still be in code.

-No, no, it's a list of...

-This reads like recipe for Won Ton soup.

-Of course. That's what it is.

Lotus X is a recipe for Won Ton soup.

-I kept saying I was not a spy, just an ordinary businessman.

-Ordinary businessman?

Actually, I'm Southmere's Soups and Savouries.

-Very nutritious too.

-Thank you.

What were you doing in China?

Trying to track down new taste thrills.

I wanted to buy this fabulous new soup. Then I ran into a brick wall.

Marshal Wu Tsai himself.

-It was his mother's recipe.

-Celestial Mother, she liked me.

Been a treasured family secret for generations. When I pinched it, they were after me.

So, there you are, then.

That's the story of how the whole world came to know the magic of Won Ton Soup.

A popular success from the start thanks to our Marketing Director,

a man who I had some little trouble with,

but whom finally found his true niche in life.

Hi-y-all.

Treat yourself to the best.

Next time you're in your favourite neighbourhood supermarket,

don't forget to ask for your favourite and mine,

Madame Wu Tsai's...

real chop-watering...

down-home Won Ton Soup. Yeah!

Hrrh!