Someone Else

This programme contains some strong language.

Have you two been to Venice?

-Um, yeah, I've been.

-Oh, wow!

Is it nice or is it a bit touristy?

Uh-uh, not so. It's lovely. Yeah. What, you thinking of going?

Well, we've been going out for three years next month, so we were thinking...

Yeah, nothing, nothing definite.

Yeah, it's a really romantic city.

Oh, it looks amazing.

-Probably the most romantic city in the world, actually.

-Is it?

-Hmm.

Kind of city that you might want to ask a certain question.

Do you want some more wine?

-No.

-Oh.

Oh, come on. If you got engaged next month...

a summer wedding.

I wasn't actually planning to ask any questions, but...

-OK.

-I could always ask him, of course.

That's got to be a leap year. He has to propose to you.

Hasn't it got to be, or is it the other way round?

How does that work? Is it a leap year?

God, you can really see the panic in his eyes.

There's no panic in my eyes...at all.

BLEEP 'David, it's ten past ten. Where the fuck are you?

'I've got your ten o'clock waiting here for you!

'Hold on. That's probably you now.

'If it's not, get on the phone.' BLEEP

'Hi, David. It's me. I'm just reminding you to bring the salad bowl and, er, what else...?

'Yes, that's it, the salad bowl.

'I'm here now, so come over any time after six. All right, darling.

'Can't wait to see you. Bye.'

BLEEP 'Hello, you.

'I know I'm not supposed to call you at home, but I've been trying your mobile and I couldn't get through.

'So I'm not going to tell you who this is, but call me when you get this message. Bye.'

RAPID BLEEPING

CLICK

Huh!

Isn't that romantic?

They're not lovers.

What are they?

They're cousins.

They're definitely not cousins, Nina.

Maybe you're right,

but I bet he's a one-snail snail though.

I wouldn't be so sure.

I bet he hasn't got a girlfriend he's cheating on behind her back,

or shell.

I bet he's working his way over this hill sliding onto every foxy snail he comes across.

He's not sordid like some people.

Let's ask him.

Don't pick him up.

He just wants to meet you.

Get him away from me. Get him away from me!

He's got a beard.

-He's lovely. Say hello.

-He's disgusting.

-He's lovely.

Please put him down. Put him down! SHE GIGGLES

OK. All right.

Thank you.

You know,

I really, really like you.

Yeah?

If you don't touch me with that hand, anyway.

-What, this one?

-Don't. Don't!!

-What?

Hey!

HISSING

-Hey.

-Hi.

-How you doing?

Yeah, I'm all right. How are you?

I think I'm in love with Nina.

-No, you're not.

-I think I am.

-I think I am. I really am.

-Well, I think it's pretty unlikely.

-I mean, you've only known her a couple of minutes.

-Well...

Yeah, that's true, but...

I think it's unlikely.

I don't think you know what it's like, to be honest.

-What?

-You don't know what it's like to be...in love like this.

-I've been in love.

-Not like this.

HE SIGHS

I just think you're much better off with Lisa.

Yeah, you know, Lisa is great. No, she is.

She's absolutely great, but she's...

I don't know. She doesn't get me like Nina does.

She must get you. She's always agreeing with you.

Well, I don't want someone who's always agreeing with me.

I just think you're being a bit stupid.

Think about what you're already got with Lisa.

Mm. Yeah, maybe.

You chose to bring the dog in.

No, but he asked us to...

They want the dog! They want the dog!

We like the dog. We love the dog.

We're very dog-friendly here.

This photo is going to hang on your family walls for 150 years, so we want to see the big grin.

Yes! Oh, that could be it. That could be the one.

You are the Brentford football team, aren't you? Yeah?

So have you managed to sort that thing with those two girls you were seeing?

Ah, I don't know what I'm doing.

I feel really guilty about it. Every time I'm with Lisa, I feel terrible.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Cos I'm in the same position, as it happens.

I'm doing two at the same time.

What, are you back on that swinging website?

Yep. Trouble is,

each of them's giving me earache about the other.

They know about each other?

-Yep.

-I thought the whole point about swingers was they don't get jealous?

Yeah, but they're women.

Yeah. Not all women are the same.

Well, they are in my experience.

You need to be a little bit more trusting.

Oh, I see. I mean, like your girlfriend is with you?

-Yeah, that's different.

-Course it is.

-Yeah, it is.

-I believe you.

-You missed a bit.

Why don't we have a dinner party, get them round?

-Really?

-Invite the four of them, me and you.

-Car keys in the middle?

-Yeah.

They won't go back with you though, once they've been with me.

-Sorry.

-That's all right.

I couldn't get away and...

-Blah, blah-de-blah.

-That's fine.

-I, erm...

I had to collect something.

-What's that?

-Open it.

We're leaving on Thursday night and coming back on Tuesday.

-You shouldn't have.

-I know.

You can't afford this.

Oh, don't worry about the money. I've taken care of it.

Lisa, you can't.

No, I can. The hotel, it's meant to be really, really lovely.

It's 1930s. It's all decked out with Venetian mirrors and...

It's really expensive.

I thought I'd treat us.

David, it was meant to cheer you up.

I kn... No, you're right. I mean...

-Thank you.

-There's nothing you can do about it, it's all booked.

All right. I...

-You know.

-What?!

You're lovely.

You're lovely.

Yeah, I know, but...

-You're lovelier.

-Oh.

-Shall we go and look at guidebooks?

-Yeah.

-Ooh!

Hello.

I just thought I'd come in on the off chance.

I don't think it's in till next week.

It's a vest for Lisa.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello?

'Do you know who this is?'

Yeah, I know who this is.

'Thought you'd forgotten who I was.'

No, I think about you a lot.

I really do. I think about you all the time.

I think about YOU sometimes.

Only sometimes?

'I sort of miss you, I suppose.'

-I was going to give you a call.

-'But you didn't.'

I know. I'm really sorry, but I really was going to.

'I'm just getting a bit tired of always waiting around.'

Don't, Nina. Don't be like that. I... You just need to bear with me for a little bit longer.

'Bear with you for what?'

For me and Lisa.

'I don't bear with anyone.'

It's about finding the right time and...

'And what?'

-Don't be like that.

-'You're making me like that.'

I'm sorry. I'll...

-I'll give you a call tomorrow.

-'Oh, I'm really busy tomorrow.'

Well, I'll call you anyway.

-'Whatever.'

-OK.

David, I'm in here.

Hi. God, you look terrible.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah.

You don't look good.

Lisa, I don't think I can see you any more.

What?

-I've met someone else.

-What do you mean?

I'm really sorry.

I can't take this in.

-Who?

-Just someone. You don't know her.

How long have you been seeing her?

-I've only seen her a few times.

-How many times?

I don't know, seven or eight.

Seven or eight times?

How can you look me in the face?

God, I can't... I can't believe this.

I know. I'm really sorry.

I thought I could trust you.

I just think...

-maybe things weren't right between us.

-Why didn't you say anything?

I... Well, maybe I didn't know there was...

I don't know.

Don't you love me any more?

It's...

It's just changed.

You said we'd be together forever.

-I never said that.

-You did.

-When?

-About a month after we started going out

you said you wanted to spend your 50th birthday with me in the Caribbean.

Well, if I said it, I meant it, but...

things change.

You don't love me?

I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't... You know, things happen.

I think you're a fucking liar.

I don't think you give a shit about me.

I'm sorry. I think I should go now.

-Are you going to see her now?

-No.

-David?

-Yeah?

What about...everything we had together?

I'm sorry.

How can you end it?

I'm sorry.

David, I love you.

-Please don't go.

-I can't...

Please!

Oh, just fucking get out then!

SHE SOBS

What do you mean, you've met someone else?

-Who is it?

-Just someone from work.

I don't believe this.

I don't believe this!

I thought you really liked me.

-I do.

-Then why are you doing this?

I don't know. Maybe I don't want to be pinned down. I don't know.

You don't want to be pinned down?

But you want to go out with this other guy?

I'm not going out with him.

He's married.

I just don't believe this. I left Lisa to be with you

and now you're fucking off with some other guy and he's married.

I never asked you to leave her.

-I thought we had something.

-Yeah.

-So what happened?

-Nothing happened.

Right.

You are taking this seriously, aren't you?

I'm taking it seriously because I think it's important.

It's important for me to do what feels right.

Well, is it, is it?

Yes!

I'm obviously really annoying you right now, so I'm gonna go.

Well, I'm annoyed because I left someone to be with you and now you don't want to be with me.

-I'm sorry if I made you do the wrong thing.

-I didn't do the wrong thing.

Well, then,

it's all right then, isn't it?

Bye.

You think you know someone, you think you really get them and then you realise you know nothing.

I can't believe I totally misread everything.

You've no chance of getting back with Lisa?

No, it wasn't right with Lisa.

The fact I fell in love with Nina I think's not a good sign.

-So that's all over?

-Yeah, well, you know, what am I supposed to do?

I don't know.

Well, I've just got to move on. It won't be that bad being single.

Yeah, it will.

Right. First, I don't think we should be standing over here with all those men.

I think we should be over there.

Are you sure you want to dive straight back in then?

Yeah, yeah. Well, what choice have I got? What about those two?

-No.

-What's wrong with them?

-They look...scary.

-No, they don't.

-Come on.

-No, I don't want to.

Come ON!

BOTH: One more time.

One more time...

Hello.

Hello.

Erm, er... My name's David. This is Matt.

Hi.

-I'm Marta and this is Juliet.

-Hello.

Hi.

So what do you do?

I'm a solicitor.

My boyfriend's a solicitor.

-Oh, is he?

-And I'm a photographer.

-What sort?

-Portraits.

-I do portrait photography.

-Mm. Who have you photographed?

Oh, well, er...

Now then, this week we had Bar Mitzvah boy David Burnham, who was tremendous, and I do babies.

I've been known to do dogs and cats.

I once did a pony.

-A few weddings.

-Um-hm.

-I've got a wedding next week.

-Um.

-Um...

But you know, all glamorous...

-Would you excuse us?

-Yes.

-Have a nice evening.

-OK.

Well, that was pretty humiliating.

-Yeah, I know.

-Oh, well.

-That's why I'm joining a dating agency.

-You're not.

-I am.

-Why?

Because I've been single for two years and I just want to meet someone.

Yeah, but...

why do you need to join a dating agency for that?

Cos I'm sick of all the chasing around and I just want to meet someone good.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

And I want to have kids.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-I didn't know that.

-Well.

How long have you felt like that?

-I don't know. About six months.

-Yeah?

Yeah.

Ah. That I didn't know.

Well, now you do.

-Are they beautiful?

-Yes, they are.

Shall I go and talk to them?

Do you know, that's not a bad idea.

-Why don't we?

-Do you want to?

-Yeah.

-You just go over and say your names and...

And ask them what their names are.

-You're off.

-Christopher, keep hold of Charlie's hand.

Good luck, guys.

So how long were you cheating on Lisa for?

I was awful at it. It was terrible. I was rubbish.

It was awful and you felt terrible. What do you expect?

-Don't know.

-Lisa was gorgeous.

-Right.

-She really loved you too.

-That's really helpful. Thanks.

-You're mad.

-Brilliant. Well, that's solved that.

I don't know. It just wasn't right. It wasn't right and...

If it was, we'd be together. That's how it goes.

If it's not right, it's not right? What, end of story?

Well, yeah. For some reason that I

can't put my finger on, it didn't work, so it didn't work.

Relationships aren't that straightforward.

-Yes, they are.

-No, they're not. You're living in La-La land.

Relationships aren't about spark and excitement all the time and passion and...

No spark and excitement?

-Not all the time.

-And passion.

-Occasionally.

No, relationships are about moments.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Are you two brothers?

Yes, he's my little brother.

-He's a bit shy.

-Oh! Don't be shy.

Do you want to come and sit with us?

Yeah?

Come on over then.

Right, where were we?

-Talking about your favourite subject, you.

-Right.

Well, let's talk about you, cos I'm obviously rubbish at relationships.

Jane and you. Did you know straightaway that she was the one?

-Yes, I did.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Not quite how I remember it.

I thought, from how I remember it, she gave you an ultimatum.

No, she didn't give me an ultimatum.

She made me see

I couldn't go through life pleasing myself with no responsibilities.

-Sometimes you have to compromise.

-It's hardly Love Story, is it?

Life isn't Love Story. Is that what you expect?

No. It's just I keep hearing words like "responsibility", and "compromise".

-What's wrong with those words?

-Well, you may as well say, "I was forced at gunpoint to go out with her."

Why are you so afraid of growing up?

Hold on a sec. I'll be right back.

What's your name?

Bianca.

-Banker?!

-Bianca.

Why?

Cos that's the name my mummy and daddy thought I should be called.

-Hello.

-Hey.

-They're not getting in your way, are they?

-No. You're not getting in our way are you, Christopher?

-Nope.

Good.

-Are you sitting over there?

-Yeah.

-We'll bring them over when we go.

OK.

Are you using my kids to pick up women?

-I am using your kids to pick up women, yes.

-How sleazy is that?

-If you'd introduce me to some women, or a woman, then I wouldn't need to use your kids.

-I don't know anyone.

You must know someone.

No, I really don't actually. All the good ones are gone.

-Jane know anyone?

-Not really, no.

-No?

I don't think you're trying hard enough.

Think. Try harder. There must be somebody.

Jane's having a party for some students, the yoga students. I'll see if you can come along.

-I don't know any women, but Jane's having a party for yoga students!

-I'll have a chat with her.

-Thanks.

-Eh, how did you get on?

-Having a good time?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Just bringing Christopher and Charlie back.

I want you to do whatever your mummy tells you to do tonight. Will you?

-Yes.

-And how about a goodbye kiss?

No? OK. Well, will you shake my hand then?

And you, Charlie?

-Bye-bye. Thanks.

-Bye.

-Did you get her phone number?

-No!

< DOORBELL

-Hi.

-Hi. I've brought your things and some keys.

-Right.

-I'll just get mine. So she's not here then?

-Who?

-That girl.

-It didn't really work out.

Why?

-Ooh...

-I've, er...

-I've made lunch for you.

-Oh, no, thanks.

-It's all ready.

I'm all right, thanks.

-I bought this as a present for you.

-I don't really like it.

No?

-I thought you did.

-No.

-You never said.

-I never liked Jethro Tull.

You don't like the Tull?

-Why did we go to their gig?

-Oh, I thought it might be fun to see all the hippies.

Yeah. The guy with the wizard's hat. Remember that little bloke who followed you around?

Yeah, I do now. I often wonder what it would have been like if I got his magic bus to Avebury.

Probably would've ended up in Avebury. Yeah.

-Would've had to get the train back.

-Yeah.

You sure you don't want some food?

No. No, thanks.

-It's not easy all this.

-Actually, I feel really positive about it.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I'd forgotten how exciting it is being single again.

Also you owe £460 for Venice. I couldn't cancel the tickets and I can't go on my own.

All right. Not sure I can give you the money straightaway.

-I'm waiting for a cheque.

-I need it this week or I'll be overdrawn.

-Right.

-See you then.

-Yep. Really nice to see you.

-Hey, Nina.

-'Hi.'

-How are you?

OK.

Um, I was just ringing to see whether everything was

still going well with that schmuck you were seeing.

He is a schmuck. He keeps cancelling me.

-Does he?

-Yeah.

He's making it up to me tonight. He's got a house in Epping Forest we're going to.

And he's written me a song he's going to sing, so he's not all bad.

-Well, I hope it's a good song.

-He's an amazing songwriter.

-Is he?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Well, I'm just going to get on with stuff.

-I just wanted to ring and see how you were.

-Bye then.

OK. I'll see you round. Bye.

-Lovely. So how long have you two been married?

-75 years.

-75 years. That's amazing.

-Not for me.

-What's the secret of your success?

-He keeps out of my way.

Do you know, nobody would believe the offers I've had.

-I could have married anybody.

-Anybody you want.

-I married him, not out of love.

-I was the only fool.

-Be quiet!

Remember that miserable little ring you gave me?

-Do you want...

-I remember what I did with it.

-I remember what you did with it.

-When my parents saw it, they were so embarrassed.

-All right, that's it. That's it.

-Yes, I know.

-This is the one now. Beautiful.

Look at me. Look at me here.

-Look at the camera...

-I'm looking at him. Mind your own business!

-It

-is

-my business.

Oh, well, what can I do with her?

These anniversary couples, they're all so miserable.

75 years. They won't be kissing and canoodling, will they?

-Every couple we get seems miserable.

-There's a reason for that.

-What?

In my experience, most marriages are miserable.

They can't all be miserable.

All the wives are sick to death of their husbands. They're just too scared to get out of it.

Luckily, they've got you and your special skills.

I know what you're saying! I am the fourth emergency service, mate.

-You should apply for charitable status.

-I should do really.

Ah, I'm putting meself about a bit at the moment.

-I'll go and butter up.

-All right, mate.

-Sorry to keep you waiting. We're having a few problems with the printer.

-That's fine.

-Thank you.

-Anybody you don't like, don't worry.

I'll go away and have another look for you.

Thank you.

"In another life I'd have been Marilyn Monroe."

Well, unfortunately, babe, in this life you look like Marilyn Manson.

Just hang on.

-Look at her. Good God!

-She's all right.

-She looks as though she's got a small child on each cheek.

She looks like a right OD merchant, doesn't she?

Right.

Ooh.

"I like any kind of music." I like a woman who doesn't discriminate about anything.

-She's got one album - The Best Of Music.

-The Best Of Music.

-"If I knew the world would end tomorrow, I'd lie in bed and sleep the day away." Next!

-Ambitious.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

God, I feel really...

-What?

-Don't know.

Don't like the idea of a load of saddos pawing over her photo.

-Thank you very much.

-You know what I mean.

-It's a lovely picture.

-Don't look at her picture, OK?

I think she's very sensible getting straight back out there anyway.

In another life I would have been 1920s flying ace Amy Johnson.

"My idea of a perfect day would be drinking Guinness in a Galway pub with someone special

"while it rained outside". News to me.

This girl's OK.

Mm. She's a definite maybe.

What do you think?

Mm? Hm.

Well, she's cute.

Likes football.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hi.

-Hi.

-I bought you a coffee.

-Oh, you want to come in?

-Is that OK?

-Yep.

Oh, here's a cheque for Venice.

Oh, thank you.

I'd wait a few days before paying it in.

-Oh, OK.

-Yeah.

So how you doing?

Things are really good. How are you?

Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah.

-Good.

-I, um...

I went with Matt to the, um, the Tatum Dating Agency.

-Saw you'd signed on there.

-Oh, yeah.

You were one of Matt's selections.

-Really?

-Yeah.

That IS funny.

So what was all that like then?

Mm, a bit mad.

-Was it?

-Fun, but mad.

-Some of your answers were quite interesting.

-They're edited to make them appealing.

I'd no idea about your ideal date in a Galway pub. Didn't know you'd ever been there.

-It was where you dream of going, not where you've already been.

-You should have said.

-We could have gone.

-Oh, it doesn't matter, does it?

-Had a great photo.

-They said the smiley ones were best.

Right.

Don't need to join a dating agency.

-I wish I hadn't!

-It's not really you, is it?

Well, it was a waste of money.

Right. You didn't meet anyone then?

Oh, no...not there.

You met someone else.

-Guess so.

-Right.

Er, anyway...

Um...

-Oh, yeah.

-There you go.

-Oops, sorry.

Sorry. Um, thanks for the coffee.

Yeah.

-I'd better be get...

-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Just...

No, no, of course. All right.

Bye then.

What can I get you?

Oh, a bottle of Kronenberg please.

-And you?

-Just the same.

-And a couple of tequilas.

-Yes.

Thanks. I think I'm going to get pissed tonight.

I don't think I'll bother with this party.

You what? Why?

-I don't fancy a rubbish party, which I know for a fact's going to be rubbish.

-It might be all right.

-It's Jane's. It's going to be crap.

-So we won't be disappointed.

-How?

-No, you're coming with me to the party.

-No, I really, really don't fancy it, David.

-I can't go on my own, Matt.

Well, you won't be on your own when you get there.

-Michael will be there.

-Please come with me.

-You'll be fine.

-Please.

-No.

-Please.

-No.

-Please.

-No.

-Please.

-No.

-OK, don't come with me.

-Fine, fine.

-OK. You're not allowed to come with me.

I don't want to come.

OK. OK, then come.

Please.

No.

Oh, dear.

Hey. How you doing?

I'm fine thanks. Listen, I'll leave you guys to it.

-Something I said?

-She wasn't very happy about you coming.

-Why?

-Just a bit sensitive.

-What does she think I'm going to do?

-Just behave yourself, yeah?

-Honestly...

-I'll get that.

I think we need to get a drink.

Oh, yeah.

Fancy some champagne?

Oh, yes. Um, thank you.

So who do you know here?

Er, Michael.

-Jane's partner.

-Oh, yeah. How do you know him?

He's a client of mine. I run an agency for female impersonators.

He's great. Thanks very much.

I beg your pardon?

-Hi.

-Hiya. So what would you do if you knew the world would end tomorrow?

Why, do you know something I don't?

No.

-I don't think I'd do anything differently.

-Why?

-I quite like my life as it is.

-Yeah?

Hmmm.

Everyone would be up in hot-air balloons looking at sunsets.

That would be missing the point.

-Oh.

-Why, what would you do?

Oh, I'd be up in a hot-air balloon looking at the sunset.

No, I suppose I'd probably prefer a drunken night of sexual passion.

-Yeah?

-Hmm. Although I'd have to find

-someone to do it with first.

-Oh.

-Sounds like you'd better stick

-to the hot-air balloon then.

Yeah.

I'm just going to see what's happened to my friend.

OK.

Ooh, no. What's that you're eating?

-Snails.

-Snails. Oh, are they nice?

-Have you never tried them?

No, I haven't. What are they like?

Sort of chewy mussels.

-Why don't you try one?

-Ah, I'm not so sure.

They're very good for you. They've got loads of zinc.

Oh, is that good?

Um-hm. It's good for your immune system and your sex drive.

OK.

-How was it?

-Great.

-Do you fancy another?

-No, thanks.

Sure?

Yeah.

I'm David by the way.

Stephanie.

Hi.

Can I call you Stephanie?

-Yes.

-Cos that's your name.

-Yes.

You're a Reiki healer? Wow!

Yeah, do you know about Reiki?

Not really.

Well, it's to do with energies in the body

and you can basically heal people through harnessing these energies.

-Right.

-For example, if I was to try it on you, I'd put my hands in a particular place and you'd

be able to feel this really powerful energy moving through your body and I'd be able to feel it in my hands.

And it's about locking into that energy and moving

the bad energy out of the body and then warming the good energy.

It's kind of hard to explain. I'd have to demonstrate on you.

Right.

Still worried about the end of the world?

Yeah, just practising drinking meself into oblivion.

-Can I get you something?

-Hmm?

No, don't like whisky.

Gin or there's vodka.

Vodka? Yeah.

OK. Promise to look after me if I go a bit...

Yeah, OK.

You just say when.

-That's great.

-Want a mixer with it?

Just straight. Thank you.

What are you having?

Cheers.

-Shall we go back in there and...?

-Let's have another one first.

What's he doing with Stephanie?

-I don't know.

-Don't want him doing anything with my sister. Will you do something about it, please?

-OK.

-I mean it.

Can you feel anything now?

Um, no.

How about now?

-No.

-That's odd.

I feel quite a powerful energy here.

Yeah.

-Yeah, I can feel...something.

-Yeah?

Yeah, it's like a kind of warmth.

Yeah.

What if I move my hands here?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, yeah!

David, can I have a word, please?

-What?

-Can I have a word?

-Now?

-Yeah.

Excuse me.

-What are you doing?

-What do you mean?

What does it look like? I'm being pulled.

Who's doing the pulling?

She's keen. I'm fighting her off.

-It's my wife's sister.

-I know.

-Can you not do that.

-Do what?

Just go and chat up somebody else, do you know what I mean? Just...

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

-You don't mean that.

-Jane doesn't want you chatting up her sister.

-Jane...

-I don't want you...

-You said Jane...

-We both don't want that.

-Can you just do it for me?

-It's Jane, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Yes!

Well, why can't Jane ask them then?

Bec... OK, because Jane thinks that you're shit with women.

Well, I don't care what Jane thinks. I want to know why you don't want me chatting to Jane's sister.

-I don't want the grief.

-Oh, well. That's it, isn't it?

Just don't chat up Stephanie, OK? That's the key issue.

There's no key issue. There's no key issue. It's a party.

-She's over 18. She's a girl and she's chatting me up.

-Forget Jane. Do it for me.

No, that's not what it's about.

It's about you doing things you wouldn't normally do.

-That's not what this is.

-It is.

If I was chatting her up and if it wasn't for the commandant...

Woah, woah, woah! Don't call my wife a commandant.

What are you?

Just go, go. Go now.

-What?

-I'm not having you call my wife a commandant.

-Can you go?

-It was a joke.

-Not funny.

-It is.

-Am I laughing?

-What?

-That's...

-My problem?

-Yeah.

-Because you called a commandant?

-I... I think you should just sod off. No. Michael...

-Just go, go.

-Get out!

-It was a joke.

-Piss off.

I don't want you here any more. Just go.

All right. Fucking hell.

What's going on?

-He wants me out.

-He wants you out?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-I don't know.

Well, what did he say?

-Apparently, your sister's being a bit overprotective of you.

-Why?

I'm old enough to look after myself.

Anyway, I'm going to go.

Well, where are you going?

-I don't know.

-Well, I don't really like it here either.

I could come with you and we could go to a bar or something.

-OK.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Cool.

How's this?

-That's nice.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

Am I doing it right?

-Yeah, yeah.

-You sure?

-Yeah, yeah, it's...

That's great.

-Are you sure I'm not doing something wrong?

-No, no, no.

It's, um...

Yeah. Hold on, let me try something.

Oh, well.

This has never... This has never happened before.

-Um...

-All right.

It's just a bit disappointing, that's all.

Yeah, I know.

Maybe you don't find me very attractive.

No, no, no. You're really attractive. It's not that.

It's, um...

Maybe I should go.

You don't have to.

Well, do you want me to stay?

It's up to you.

I think I'll go.

-Will you be OK?

-Yeah, I'll be fine.

Getting back, I mean.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-So?

-So?

So what happened with you and Jane's sister?

Ah, nothing really.

So where did you two disappear to?

Went back to my flat, just chatted for a bit.

-Yeah, and?

-Nothing.

-Er?

-No.

-She seemed keen.

-Yeah?

Well, you know, I couldn't, um...

Um, maintain... I didn't get... I couldn't get it up.

Oh, well. These things happen, don't they?

-Has it happened to you?

-Me? Never.

-Right.

Maybe it was just because her body was a surprise to you.

-What happened to you and that girl?

-Well, it started off badly.

We weren't getting on at all, but then it just changed.

I don't know, all of sudden it just became really easy.

We talked for hours and then she left.

So are you going to see her again?

I'm seeing her tonight.

-Wow! What about those girls from the agency?

-No.

-I know what you were saying now about love.

-Don't listen to me about love.

I don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah, and not a word about...

-What?

-You know.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Great.

Lovely.

Excellent. Brilliant. Good.

-And something really sexy, something...

-Oh, yeah!

Lay on the camp maybe. That's brilliant.

Maybe with your hand in the air or...

-Yeah.

-Excellent. Yeah.

-Afternoon.

Could you excuse me for a minute?

-Sure.

-Thanks.

-What happened to you?

-You know the woman from Sidcup?

I was round there doing me charity work. Her old fella came home early.

No.

He come barging through the door. She screams. I'm trying to get off her.

He give me a right whack. Effing this, effing that. He drags her out the bed.

So I dive off. I'm scrambling round looking for me pants.

He's got her by the throat screaming, "You bastard! You won't wear suspenders for me!"

And your arm? How long are you in a sling for?

A few days I think. She come off worse than me.

-Why?

-He give her a right slapping.

She looks like Dusty Springfield.

Anyway, she stayed at her sisters last night.

I told her she can move in with me for a while.

What, moving in?

Her old man's out tonight apparently. Plays darts.

So she's going to get her stuff.

She gonna like move in for good?

We thought we'd give it a go.

Right.

-She tells me she's a good cook.

-You need a bit of food.

-I suppose you'd better get back to Freddie, , eh?

-Oh, God, yeah.

-Shall I go and get some coffee?

-Yeah, all right.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hi.

-Hi.

Well, come in.

Sure, if...

Is Jane in?

-No.

-Oh.

-Do you want to tell her what you got up with with her sister last night?

-Nothing happened.

-I know.

Listen, I'm sorry about all that stuff yesterday.

-Do you want something to drink?

-Yeah.

Yeah. Well, maybe I said a bit too much as well.

I didn't mean that stuff about Jane.

She's nice.

I don't think she's like the camp commandant.

-Thank you.

-I think she'd look great in a uniform though.

-Yeah.

-You know, it's... You two are great together.

I think... I think I probably...

Oh, I don't know. I'm all a bit...

We aren't having a very good time at the moment.

-No?

-No.

These things happen though, don't they?

I mean, probably just need to work on it a bit.

Been doing that for a while.

Yeah. Well, maybe it would help to see someone to talk it through.

Been seeing one of those for six months.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-And?

-It just tells us what we already know.

That we don't seem to like each other very much.

Anyway...cheers.

Cheers.

I like you. If it's any help.

I like you, too.

How are we doing?

Have you been brushing your teeth?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-'It's me.'

Why are you whispering?

I'm not...Yeah.

Yeah. You were right. He was a total schmuck.

So I told him I didn't want to see him any more. So...

I'm not really doing anything.

When?

Er, where?

Yeah? All right. I'll see you at four.

-Hello, you.

-Hi.

-Tired?

-Yeah, I am tired.

Strange sense of deja vu in here.

Yeah. I'm very pleased to see you.

What can I get you?

I'll have a coffee, please.

You've gotta have something stronger.

-What are you drinking?

-Margarita.

Yeah, OK. I'll have a margarita then.

Anything else?

No.

So what was the name of the guy you were seeing?

-Aidan.

-Aidan.

What went wrong with Aidan?

I was tired of being taken for granted.

He kept promising me things and never delivering.

That's what happens when you go out with a married man.

Yeah, well, not again.

No?

I think you liked the drama.

No, I didn't.

I don't think you'd like being in a nice, normal relationship, would you?

-Course I would.

-Really?

I'd like to be with someone who'd treat me properly.

Someone like you.

I think you really cared about me, didn't you?

Yeah, I did, but you lost interest as soon as I was single.

Yeah, well, I didn't know what I was doing.

I should never have got involved with him.

-I'm not saying a word.

-You don't have to.

We had a good time though, didn't we?

Most of the time.

Still got the photo you took.

-The one in the cafe? Yeah, that's quite good that, isn't it?

-I love it.

You're talented.

That's what I liked about Aidan, too.

He's really talented.

Because he's so talented, he's used to being the centre of attention.

People running round him all the time.

Just ended up feeling I wasn't good enough.

But then he'd go and do something really lovely like send me a bunch of roses and tell me he missed me.

And I'd forgive him.

Always turned up at two in the morning

and just stand there in my doorway and say something really lovely.

I'd let him back in.

It'd be so good, I'd forget everything.

-Yeah.

-Um.

-Then I'd cry and he'd go.

Hope she hasn't made that drink yet.

Why?

Cos you're still in love with Aidan.

He's not in love with me.

It's not nice being second best, is it?

-No.

-Erm, I'd like to cancel that margarita, please.

-'Just cancel it?'

-Yeah, please.

'I'll just check if he's made it already.'

Probably end up calling him later.

And he'll come round.

Um-hm.

'You have no messages.'

-BLEEP

-'I've still got a bit of a cold.

'I'm going to be over in half an hour, so keep the chicken warm.

'That means like switch the oven on.'

-BLEEP

-'It's Lisa.'

-SHE SOBS

-'Erm...

'I'm just thinking about you.'

'That's all. I'm just thinking about you.

'See you later.'

-BLEEP

-'Thank you for last night.

'It was really nice.

'Really enjoyed the film.

'You really made me laugh.

'It was a really nice night.

'Anyway, just thinking about it today and feeling very warm.

'I'll see you later.'

-Hey, it's me.

-'Oh, hi.'

-How are you?

-'I'm OK.'

Listen, I'd really like to come over and see you.

-'What do you want?'

-Just to talk.

'Well, I can't. I'm going out now.'

When are you going?

-'Any minute.'

-How many minutes?

-'I don't know. Twenty minutes.'

-I'll be right over.

-'David, I'm going out.'

-I just need to see you really quickly.

Please. I'll be right over.

I'm glad I caught you.

I'm going out now, David.

-Where are you going?

-Something to eat.

Where are you going?

Chalk Farm.

Well, can I just walk with you?

OK.

So what do you want?

Lisa, I'm...

really sorry about what happened.

I'm glad you're sorry.

I made a massive mistake. I'm an idiot.

I should never have split up with you

and I'm sorry if I hurt you.

-Can't we just forget this ever happened?

-No.

I think we should get back together.

I really do.

-You don't love me.

-I do.

It doesn't matter.

-I promise you it'll be different.

-It's too late.

-Lisa, I think we should get married.

-You think we should get married?

Yeah.

No.

Tell me what you want. What do you want?

I want to be with someone who really loves me.

-I do.

-Tell me honestly.

I didn't love you properly before, but I will.

-I really loved you.

-I know.

-I really loved you.

And I didn't appreciate that, but I do.

Anyway...

I have to go.

-Do you have to?

-Yeah.

Lisa...

Bye, David.

# I guess now it's time

# For me to give up, it's time

# Got a picture of you beside me

# Got your lipstick marks still on your coffee cup

# Got a fist of pure emotion

# Got a head of shattered dreams

# Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now

# Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it

# I just want you back for good

# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it

# You'll be right and understood

# I want you back for good

# Unaware but underlined

# I figured out the story, it wasn't good

# But in a corner of my mind,

# I celebrated glory

# But that was not to be

# In the twist of separation You excelled at being free

# Can't you find a little room inside for me?

# Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it

# I just want you back for good

# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it

# You'll be right and understood

# I want you back for good

# And we'll be together

# This time it's forever

# And we'll be fighting and forever we will be

# So complete in our love

# We will never be uncovered again...

# Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it

# I just want you back for good

# Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me the song and I'll sing it

# You'll be right and understood

# I want you back for good. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd