The World's Fastest Indian

COCK CROWS

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CLOCK RINGS

WHIRRING AND RUMBLING

ENGINE REVS

THEY BOTH GRUNT

ENGINE BOOMS

Burt! Shut that bloody thing up!

Do you know what time it is? BURT!

What do you think you're doing?

-Sorry, George, what did you say?

-Do you know what time it is?

Sorry. I've got a heck of a lot to get done today, mate.

And you know what they say, the early bird catches the worm.

And if you do this again one more time, I'm calling the cops!

And how about mowing your lawn? It's a disgrace to the neighbourhood!

DOGS BARK

Er, all right.

Hi, kid.

Here we are, the perfect recipe.

Two of Chevy... one of Ford.

I think those, er... '36 Chevy pistons

much have a touch of titanium or something in them.

They come up real good, you know.

Hey, the kettle's boiling. Make yourself useful, make some tea.

-Can we have a biscuit, too?

-What?

-Can I have a ginger nut?

-Yeah, you know where they are.

Help yourself.

Now, you stay over there. Stay there.

HISSES

-Right.

-What are you doing for Christmas, Burt?

-I don't know.

Why? You angling for a present or something?

-No, I wondered if you're going away.

-No, no time for Christmas, lad.

Got a lot of work to do.

I only managed 27 test runs this year.

24 on the beach and, er, three on the road.

All illegal, like.

I was going a bit over the speed limit, I have to admit.

-How fast were you going?

-Oh, I haven't a clue.

That's why I got to get it up to Bonneville,

find out how fast she will go.

Now, there you go.

Got to get the piston out of the mould...

Bob's your uncle.

Right, this is the last part of the operation.

Chill the metal.

It heat-treats it. Watch yourself.

HISSES

-That's where I got the water for the kettle from!

-Yeah, well, er,

that gives the tea a nice tang of titanium, doesn't it?

This bloke, he once asked me, "How do you heat-treat your pistons, Burt?"

I said, "I don't, mate, I just bung 'em in cold water

"and Bob's your uncle." And he said, "Well, that's the heat treatment."

And he just laughed and shook his head and walked away, like...

Oh, well, this could be the perfect piston.

It bloomin' well ought to be! I've made hundreds of them.

Look at them all up there all blown to smithereens.

-You made all those?

-Yeah, I did. Look, perfect!

Beautiful, no inclusions. See?

Now, Tommy, does, er, your mother have a carving knife I could borrow?

-Carving knife, yeah.

-Yeah, I need a good, sharp knife.

Oh. Hang on.

-Thomas, what are you up to?

-Nothing, Mum.

-Can I have some peanut butter?

-OK. But make sure you put it away.

Tom!

-Don't forget the wood.

-No, Mum.

Right... I have to get as much... rubber off as possible.

It has to be perfectly bald. Like that, you see?

-Why's that?

-Well, at high speed the, er, centrifugal force,

er, expands the tyre and, er, rubs against the frame of the bike.

You have to be careful not to cut through the cords though.

HE CHUCKLES

Why do you pee on your lemon tree?

-Huh?

-Why do you pee on your lemon tree?

-Who... Who says I do that?

-Mum says she sees you every morning.

-She goes on and on about it.

-Oh, does she?

Hm, oh, well. Well, it's a good fertiliser.

You know, you shouldn't waste anything in this world, sonny.

-Well, I'd better be off home.

-All right, then.

-Mum gets a bit cross if I stay over here too long.

-She does?

-Are you finished with the knife?

-Er, not yet. I'll, er,

-I'll drop it by later.

-No, um, don't do that.

-I'll pick it up after school tomorrow.

-All right.

-Bye.

-Cheerio.

HE CHUCKLES

HE WHISTLES

-Burt Munro!

-Yeah?

-I believe you have my carving knife.

-Oh, yes.

-And my sharpener.

-Yeah.

Here we are.

Yeah, er... well, thanks a lot, love.

G'day, Frank, how are you?

Not bad. Could be better, could be worse.

I see your front tyre's goin' a bit flat on ya there, Burt.

Oh, yeah. Well, the good news is it's only flat on the bottom.

-I'll see you tomorrow night.

-Tomorrow night, it'll be a good one!

Hello, Fran. Er, give us the lot, will ya, the usual.

One pension cheque coming up.

Er, Fran, I, er, want to ask you a question,

the answer to which is, er... a definite yes.

-All right?

-All right.

Yes. What's the question, Burt?

Would you feel inclined to, er,

accompany an impeccable young gentlemen to a do tomorrow night?

Are you asking me on a date, Burt Munro?

Well, yeah, I suppose I am actually, aren't I?

-Would you?

-You're on.

-Hello, son.

-Hey, Burt.

That's disgusting!

Yeah! Isn't it?

Yeah...all dressed up for the do tonight

and I couldn't get my best shoes on

cos my toenails had grown like oyster shells.

Anyway...this should do the trick.

There, look at that. Little twinkle toes!

ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC

-Thanks, Burt.

-Right-ho.

-Evening, Burt.

-Thank you.

-This is Fran.

-All right, Fran.

-Hello, Burt.

-Thank you very much.

-Hello, Duncan.

-Burt!

I'm just going to say hello to the lads. I'll be back in a second, love.

-Hello, Pete. Hello, Graham.

-Hey, Burt. Bike goin' well?

-Yeah, not bad.

-Happy birthday, Burt.

-Thanks, mate.

-Bit of a surprise, isn't it? Hello.

-Hey, Burt.

-Would you like to buy a raffle ticket or two?

-What's it for?

Porky the pig plus two dozen beers.

We're raising money to send Burt to the USA. Our mate, Burt.

Come on, Burt, come and dance! Whoo!

-What's this? The twist?

-This is the twist. You know the twist?

Come twist with me.

See? You can twist!

-That's it, that's it! Whooo!

-'This must be the atomic invasion.'

Then, the air clears and the dust settles down.

You look outside. Have they levelled the town?

But there in the yard so briskly alive

stands Burt Munro's trusty old Indian Scout 45!

That was a wonderful tribute to Burt.

-Now, come on, Burt, we want you up on stage.

-Oh, no, no!

-Come on!

Up ya come!

And I hope all of you have bought a raffle ticket tonight.

Because we believe Burt will put the Southland Motorcycle Club

on the map!

ENGINES RUMBLE What's going on out there?

-Just get outta here!

-Git outta here!

Oh, dear.

CHATTER

Er, well, folks, it, er, looks like I've cracked it.

-I've, um, you know...

-You Burt Munro?

-The, er...

-What did you say?

-I said, are you Burt Munro?

-You're looking for Burt?

I don't know. Have you seen Burt anywhere?

ALL CHUCKLE

-Anyone seen Burt? Well, no, he's...

-You are! You're Burt Munro.

-You're the old codger that rides the Army Indian?

-Oh, that old joker!

Burt Munro, yeah. Yeah, that's me, I think. Yeah.

Now, young fella, the Army Indian is a real dog.

What I've got is the, er, er, genuine article,

-the, er, 1920 V-twin Scout.

-That's the one with the pedals, right?

CHATTER

(Charming!)

Well, I don't know what sort of push bikes

you monkeys came into town on. But I know my old timer

would thrash the backsides off whatever they are!

-I don't think so, grandad.

-No? Oh.

Why don't you, er, chumps put your money where your mouth is, then?

You're on, you old coot.

-Looks like they've chickened out, Burt.

-What?

-Looks like they've chickened out.

-They're here!

-Huh...?

They're here.

ENGINES DRONE

It's nice of them to show up, isn't it?

-A hundred says the Indian comes last!

-Right, mate!

Good on ya! REVS ENGINE

-Go, Burt!

-Go, Burt! Go-o-o-o!

READY... STEADY, GO!

Come on, give me a push!

-Come on, Burt!

-Give me a push! C'mon, push hard!

-ENGINE BOOMS

-Go, Burt!

-Go, Burt!

-Come on! Go!

HE GRUNTS

Agh!

HE GASPS

Agh!

-Bugger!

-Nice bike, grandad!

Loser!

Yee-hah!

BIKE RATTLES

-Well, thanks, fellas.

-Better luck next time.

-Yeah.

-Bad luck, Burt.

-There you go. Oh, thanks, love.

-Careful, it's hot.

-All right.

Well, at least I gave them a good run for their money.

On the downward leg anyway!

Burt, what's it going to cost to get over to America?

-Sorry, what did you say?

-How much will it cost to get over to America?

I don't know, about 2,000, I'm told.

-And how much money have you got now?

-Well, er,

apart from today's disaster and the dough from last night

and the pension money I've been saving,

er, about 1275 dollars - United States Dollars - I reckon.

-Well, I could lend you some money.

-Oh, that's very kind of you, Fran.

But, no, I couldn't do that, love. No, thanks.

Well, there must be something you can do.

I haven't told anyone this, Fran.

But, er, I don't reckon I'll be going to Bonneville,

not this year anyway.

And, er,.. you know, 700 is a lot of money to find.

And, er, the boat leaves in five days.

But, er... Yeah.

Except I... I would like to see how fast she'll really go

before I fall off the perch as it were,

before I, er, you know, kick the old bucket!

Oh, well...

-Hello, Lloyd.

-G'day, Burt.

-Shame about the fall.

-Yeah, well, I'm still in one piece, aren't I?

-Yeah! What are you having tonight?

-Speciality of the house,

-pea, pie and pud.

-That's five bob.

-All right.

-Burt?

-Yeah?

-Why don't you take out a mortgage on the house?

-What house?

-Your property. I mean, it's worth something.

Yeah...

-Here you are.

-(Burt Munro, look at the colour of your hands!)

-What's the matter with them?

-You could have washed those mitts

-before you put them anywhere near me!

-There we are.

COCK CROWS

HENS CLUCK

Wakey, wakey!

Time to rise and shine.

Oh, Burt, you're a sweetie.

Got to get outta here before the neighbours spot me.

Oh, Burt... this tastes a bit odd.

Metallic...?!

# You are my sunshine, my only sunshine... #

-Oooh, crikey! Oooh!

-What?

I've...got a pain my chest! Agh!

He's in the shed! Hurry!

Mum, Dad, something happened to Burt!

-Burt, what's wrong with you?

-I'll be all right, Tommy.

-Don't worry about me.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

SIREN BLARES

What are you all staring at? Dirty old men need love, too.

-Mr Munro.

-Hello.

-So, what's the story, doc?

-I'm sorry, it's not good news.

Oh, yeah! Well, fire away.

-You've had an attack of angina.

-Oh, yeah?

-You have arteriosclerosis.

-What's that?

-It's a narrowing of the arteries from the heart.

-Oh, dear!

-I'm afraid there's not too much we can do for you at your age,

-other than suggesting you take it easy.

-Oh, yeah?

If you have another attack, pop one of these under your tongue,

let it dissolve and then swallow the saliva.

-The pain should be gone in 30 seconds.

-What do you call these?

Trinitrate pills. Better known as nitro-glycerine.

-Oh, yeah, the stuff you blow things up with!

-But in smaller quantities.

Yeah, all right. Er... CLEARS THROAT

Will this have any effect on, er, me riding my bike?

Unfortunately I think your motorcycling days are over.

Like hell they are! HE CHUCKLES

It won't be much longer.

Springfield.

Springfield. That's, er, where the Indians come from.

-Indians?

-Yeah, the, er, Indians

from, er, Springfield, Massachusetts.

-Yeah, it's the world's greatest motorcycle.

-Oh! Is that so?

-That's right.

-You can come through now.

-All right, thank you.

Yeah, Springfield...

'Yeah, the plan is for me to drive up to Timaru.'

And there me and my bike will catch a boat to the US-of-A,

to, er, Los Angeles. And the boat leaves on Saturday.

And I'll buy a car in Los Angeles and drive up to Utah,

-to the Bonneville Salt Flats.

-And it's important you do this trip?

Oh, sure is, mate. You know, ever since I was a lad

I've been interested in things that go fast, you know, things that go.

And, you know, at Bonneville things go real fast.

It's, er, this, er, giant, er, dried-up lake bed.

And it goes for miles and miles and it's dead flat

and you can drive a vehicle just as fast as it will go.

And it's one of the few places on Earth

where you can find out, er, just what your machine is capable of.

In fact, here I am on the, er... That's me on the front

-of the New Zealand Motorcyclist. That's the Indian there.

-Very good.

Yeah, a few years ago. So I'd best be off soon

-because I don't know how much longer I've got to live.

-Yes, well,

-I don't think I heard that.

-I said, I don't know how much long -

-Yeah, I heard you the first time.

-Oh.

-So, tell me, Burt,

-what are you offering as collateral for this loan?

-Well, my tools

and my bits and pieces and my trophies and A lot of things like that.

I don't think they'd be of much interest to the bank.

We need something substantial, like the deed of title to your property.

-Did you get the money?

-Yeah. Off on Thursday.

-Thursday?

-Yeah.

-That soon?

-I wish I could come, too.

-Well, maybe next time.

Thomas, it's dinner time. Come home now.

-Nearly finished, Mrs Jackson.

-Yeah, Mum, we're almost finished.

-Thomas!

-See you after dinner, Burt.

-All right, mate.

HE MIMICS ENGINE ROAR

Hey, not so fast. I'm the record breaker.

Where you going?

And, er, that's the, er... before I put the, um,

the streamliner on it.

-What's that one?

-Yeah, that's a girlfriend of mine

when I first bought the bike. Long time ago, that is.

-Yeah.

-Aren't you scared you'll kill yourself if you crash?

-No.

No, you, er... you live more in five minutes

on a bike like this, going flat out,

than some people live in a lifetime.

And, er... yeah, more in...five minutes...

That's my dad there. And my mum.

They're all gone.

Oh, it's gone by so fast.

No, danger is the spice of life.

You got to take a risk now and again, haven't you, son?

That's what makes life worthwhile.

And, you know, having some nice ladies around

can be a big help, mind you.

HE CHUCKLES

-You really don't get scared?

-No. No.

You know, when I was a boy about your age,

I, er, had a little twin brother. His name was Ernie.

And, er, one day our dad was out the back, er, cutting down a tree.

And, er, suddenly it got hung up -

the tree, that is, it got stuck on something -

and Ernie went to try to help

and all of a sudden the tree slipped and fell on him

and...killed him stone dead.

Yeah... I'll always remember that.

Anyway, since then I've always tried never to be scared of anything.

Though I must say before a big bike event I do sometimes get nervous.

You know, if the, if the butterflies in my stomach were, were cows,

I'd be able to start a dairy farm.

That's funny?

When they took you off in the ambulance to the hospital,

-what happened?

-I don't know, just a touch of indigestion, I think.

That's all it was. Nothing wrong with me. Don't you worry about me.

And anyway at my age any day above ground and vertical is a good day.

Listen, will you take care of this till I get back all right?

-What happens if you don't come back?

-We'll talk about it then, shan't we?

-Hey, Burt?

-Yeah?

-Don't forget to mow your lawns, will you?

-What?

-Don't forget to mow your lawns. My dad goes on and on about it.

-Oh, he does, does he?

-Says it lowers property value in the neighbourhood.

Well...oh, dear, we can't have that, can we?

FIRE ROARS

-What are you doing?

-Hello, son! Just getting rid of the grass.

BURT! What the hell are you doing this time?

Like you said, George, I'm getting rid of the grass!

-Being a good neighbour before I leave tomorrow.

-Tom!

Tom, get back inside, now! NOW!

-SIREN BLARES

-Honestly, Burt!

-What are they doing here?

-It might be the fire, Burt!

All right, the tyre goes in first.

That's it. That's it, you got it.

Goes in here...

(Pills...permit and passport.)

Right, er... see if I've got everything.

My spectacles, testicles, watch and wallet.

What are you laughing at? I'm on my way.

-Dad says to call us collect.

-What?

-Dad says to call us collect.

-That's nice of him.

-Tell us how you get on.

-All right. Thank you.

That's our phone number. Do you think you'll break the record?

-Well, I hope so. Yeah.

-Dad doesn't think you can do it.

-Oh, is that what he said?

-He says everyone thinks that.

Oh, well.

Except me.

Ah, you're a good, good boy, Tom. Yeah.

I tell you something, son...if you don't follow through on your dreams,

-you might as well be a vegetable.

-What type of vegetable?

HE CHUCKLES

I don't know! A cabbage.

Yeah...a cabbage.

-Here you are. Don't lose it, will you?

-Promise I'll look after it.

Right, er...keep an eye on the place for me, won't you, Tom?

And, er... Yeah, er, don't forget to feed the fowls.

-That's my job.

-Yeah. And, er, you know,

you can give the eggs to Mum and, er, and what else is there?

Oh, yes, er, you can pee on my lemon tree for me

if you like, while I'm away. And, er...

Well, there's nothing wrong in peeing on your lemon tree.

Confucius used to say it's the best natural fertiliser in the world.

-Who's Confucius?

-A bloke who lives up in Dunedin.

-Well, thanks for your help, chaps.

-Good luck, Burt.

-Thanks, Jeff.

-You show 'em over there, Burt.

-I will.

-Take it easy, Burt.

That's not one of the things I'm planning on doing. Cheerio, love.

-Good luck.

-Cheerio, my friend. If you don't go when you wanna go,

-when you go, you'll find you've gone. I'll see ya.

-See ya, Burt.

-Bye, Burt!

-Good luck!

-Cheerio!

-See ya, Burt!

HONKS HORN

Look at that!

Well, Fran, er, I'm finally on my way.

Yeah, I thought some more of the, er, blokes from the club

-would have dropped by to see me off.

-Well, they probably had to work.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, young Tom tells me, er...

..no-one thinks I can do it. Do you think I can do it, Fran?

Oh, I don't know, Burt.

-I don't think it really matters one way or the other.

-Yeah.

I read something once, years ago, and I learned it off by heart.

It was, er, Theodore Roosevelt said it.

He said, "It's," um...

He said, "It's not the critic that counts,

"not the man who, er, points out how the strong man stumbles

"or where the doer of deeds, er, could have done them better,"

yeah, "the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena."

ENGINES RUMBLE

-Wind your window down! Down!

-What?

-Some beer money.

-What?

-Some beer money!

-I don't drink!

-And good luck! You go well.

-Thanks, mate.

-You show 'em Kiwis can fly, huh?

Yeah, I'll bring you back the Statue of Liberty!

Good on ya, mate, thanks a lot.

CRATE CREAKS

CREAKS AND GROANS

Hey, not so fast!

Crikey!

Here, take it easy, mate!

I... I thought it was a goner.

HE CHUCKLES

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Better get going.

-Yeah, all right.

Well, take care of the old jalopy, won't you?

-You look after yourself.

-I will.

-You got your pills and everything, right?

-Yeah, right as rain.

Bye.

-You come back in one piece.

-I will. Cheerio.

-Er, where's the captain?

-Er, down below.

-Down that gangway there.

-Thanks.

Here... I'm looking for the captain.

-That's me.

-Oh.

Well, my name's Burt Munro.

I'm supposed to do a job to work my passage to Los Angeles.

-Yeah, well, I hope you can cook.

-Cook?

-Well, I'll give it a go.

-There's the galley.

Oh... crikey!

FLIES BUZZ

-Who does the dishes, mate?

-You.

-Mmmmm, smells good!

-What do you have for us today, Burt?

That's good Kiwi tucker!

-Don't let Burt see you doin' that.

-Don't spoil it with all that sauce!

-Sorry, Burt.

-Stone the crows...!

-Are you going to watch the movie, Burt?

-What's that?

-Are you going to watch the movie?

-Yeah.

-What's it called?

-Er, Broken Barrier.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, it's supposed to be good.

-Is Jane Russell in it?

Spare seat over here, Burt.

-ALL:

-Ohhhhhhhh!

-All right, Billy.

-Pull 'em up.

-Smoke?

-No, not for me.

-Oh, you don't smoke, Burt?

No, I don't. People say to me, "How do you keep going at your age?"

And I say, "Well, cos I don't smoke." And I'm telling you young monkeys,

don't smoke!

THEY ALL CHUCKLE Oh, you can laugh, but, er,

my Dad said, "Why contaminate your lungs with tobacco smoke?"

"The only thing you accomplish by smoking is destroying your lungs

-"and shortening your life."

-Kill the lights!

PROJECTOR WHIRS Is Jane Russell in this?

-Go well, Burt.

-Yeah, thanks, mate.

-All the best.

-Good luck to you, Burt.

-Thanks. And remember what I said,

-don't smoke!

-I'm trying.

-Cheerio, mates. See ya.

-Welcome to the United States. Customs to the left.

-Thank you.

Good to be here. G'day.

-G'day.

-Please stand behind the yellow line until you are called.

-What's that?

-Behind the yellow line.

Yellow line. Oh, yeah.

-G'day.

-Passport and customs declaration, please.

All right...there you are.

And how long do you intend to stay in the United States?

Oh, however long it takes me to get to, er, Bonneville and back.

-And the purpose of your visit?

-Well, to set a land-speed record

-on, er, my Indian.

-Hm... Indian.

-Mr Munro, this is your first time in America?

-Yes, sir.

You gave some rather odd answers to the officer.

-So we have a few further questions we'd like to ask.

-Fire away.

Let's go over again what you said.

Now, what exactly do you intend to do here in the United States?

-Well, set a land-speed record.

-Uh-huh?

-And how do you intend to do that, sir?

-On my motorcycle.

It's in the hold of the ship and they're going to unload it tomorrow.

It's an Indian, a 1920 Indian Scout.

Er, modified somewhat.

-You know what? I think I've read about your bike.

-Oh, yeah?

It was in, er, Popular Mechanics a couple of years ago.

That's right, that's me, yes!

Lesley Hobbs from Christchurch sent that story in.

-What was it? Fastest motorcycle in Australia?

-Yeah, and in New Zealand.

Well, I guess you're legitimate, Mr Munro.

-Sounds like we should be honoured to have you in America.

-Thank you.

I'm going to give you six months. Time enough to get the job done.

-Welcome to the USA.

-Thank you very much.

-Good luck, sir.

-Thank you.

-Gear's in the trunk.

-What?

-Bags in the back!

-Bag...back!

-Don't worry about me.

I'll do it myself. Strewth!

HE MUTTERS

Get in the ba... In the back!

-Huh...?

-You, in the back!

Tell you something, mate, you don't want to get old around here!

HE GRUNTS

Ta-ra!

-Where to?

-Huh...?

-Where to?

Er, Hollywood. I want to go to Hollywood.

-I want to see the film stars.

-OK, we go to Hollywood.

-Where in Hollywood?

-Er, a motel on, er, Sunset Boulevard.

Er, I hear that's a pretty great street.

I dunno who you talking to lately! Which motel?

-Well, recommend one.

-What do you think I am, encyclopaedia?

Well, drop me somewhere and I'll sort it out myself.

Must have a big electricity bill here.

"Firestone"... "Shell".

It's all about cars, isn't it, now?

-Never seen so many cars.

-You say something, man?

I said, I've never seen so many cars.

-Got to get around somehow.

-Yeah.

Oh, look, there's a bowling alley. Do you bowl?

HORN HONKS

What's he honking his horn about?

ENGINE RUMBLES

TYRES SQUEAL

Jeez! Crikey! Did you see that?

Backed right back into that geezer's car!

He's crazy, he's nuts!

-He did it again!

-Don't stare. There's a lot of crazy people in this town.

I've never seen anything like that before!

HE CHUCKLES

-This should do.

-What's the damage?

-28 dollar plus bag, 29 dollar.

-What...?

Did you just say what I, what I thought you said?

-Are you deaf?

-What?

-Are you deaf?

Yeah, I am a bit deaf but I'm not stupid. How much did you say it was?

-29 dollar!

-No, I don't wanna buy the cab, mate.

I just wanna pay the fare, that's all!

-Where you from?

-What?

-You are British?

-No! You must be joking!

I'm no pommie, I'm from New Zealand.

-Well, this is America.

-Yeah?

-And the fare is right there on the meter.

-29 dollar.

-Yeah.

-Open your wallet and let the moths out.

I'm doing it, I'm doing it. There you go.

-29 dollars.

-Don't forget the tip.

-What?

-Yes, we tip in America.

Oh, yeah? 10%. How much? 10%.

Oh, yeah. There you are, ten cents.

-Excuse me, sir?

-Yeah?

-You look like a generous man.

-What?

-You look like a generous man.

-Oh, do I?

-Yes, you do.

-Would you like to buy a flower for someone special?

-I'm sorry.

-I don't have any, er, cash.

-Don't worry, it goes to a good cause.

-What's that?

-It's for an organisation that helps needy people.

-All right.

-Well, how much is it?

-Just give what you can afford.

-All right, well...

-They all look the same to me. They're all green.

-We call them greenbacks.

-This looks like a one.

-Oh! Look, there's one.

-No, that's -

-Thanks.

-You have a good day.

-Hey, come on, miss... that's a ten!

I didn't wanna pay that much! Hey, come back!

Crikey...

-Hey, baby.

-What do you want?

-You wanna go?

-Go where?

-Go inside!

-I'm going inside.

I'll take you around the world.

-I've just come from halfway around the world.

-15 bucks, baby.

-15 bucks!

-No, sorry, go away.

Hello.

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

Well, I need a room.

-Room'll cost you five bucks an hour.

-I'm staying a bit longer than that.

-How long?

-I don't know. A couple of days I guess.

-Double occupancy?

-What?

-Double occupancy?

No, er, just me, myself and I.

Will it cost a lot? Because I can't afford a lot.

-You a member of Triple A?

-What?

-Are you a Triple A member?

-Never heard of 'em.

-Never heard of Triple A?

-No, Miss Brittle Britches,

-I have not heard of Triple A.

-OK, let's say you are a member, doll.

-Right.

-That'll save you 10%. How does 22 bucks a night sound?

That much...? I-I-Is that cheap?

Honey, that's cheaper than cheap!

Oh, right, yeah.

-What's your name?

-Tina Washington.

Well, Tina Washington, I want you to have this. Might cheer you up a bit.

-Get some of that muck off your pluck!

-Well, thank you!

-That's the first nice thing that's happened all week.

-You're welcome.

My name's Burt Munro, from New Zealand, from down under.

Well, hello, Burt Munro from New Zealand.

-I tell you, I've had a heck of a night.

-Oh, welcome to Hollyweird!

BED RUMBLES AND RATTLES

Hello!

Anybody home?

-Hello, Tina.

-Good morning, Burt.

-You still here?

-Mm-hm.

-Ohh!

Well, that's why you were so crabby last night. Don't you ever sleep?

Honey, I work the night shift. I'm outta here soon as James turns up.

-And he's late.

-Oh. Yeah, could you phone this number for me?

It's a shipping company and they got a big box of mine

and I want to know how I can arrange to get it.

No, you talk to them. They'll never get my accent.

OK, what do you want me to ask them? One moment, please.

Ask them when will Burt Munro's box containing the motorcycle,

-er, be ready for pick up?

-Hello, I'm calling for a Mr Burt Munro.

Yes. He'd like to know when the box containing his motorcycle

-will be available for pick up.

-"What ship?"

-Er, what ship?

-The Rangatira from New Zealand

-The Rangatira from New Zealand.

-So, he can claim it?

-Oh.

Tomorrow from the Long Beach Customs Holding Area.

-OK, thank you, I'll tell him. Bye-bye.

-That was pretty fast.

YOU'RE LATE!

I can't stand another minute in this place! Lemme buy you breakfast.

Well, this is great.

I never seen a menu with photographs before.

-You ready to order, sir?

-What?

-Are you ready?

Oh, yes. Er, I think the, er, double delight.

-That's for me.

-How would you like your eggs?

-What?

-How would you like your eggs?

-Er, well, I'd like 'em cooked.

-Sunny side up, over easy...?

-I don't know.

-Whatever you recommend.

-Over easy's best.

-All right, eggs over easy.

-Make that two.

Over easy... I must remember that.

Yeah, I like this American, er, breakfast thing.

It's good.

So, my girl, er, where is the best place for me to get a used car?

-The Valley.

-Oh, yeah?

-After breakfast I could take you there.

Oh, well, thank you.

And I'm not a girl.

-VOICE DEEPENS:

-I'm a boy.

-Oh...

Well... I thought there was something a little odd about you.

But, hey, you're still a sweetheart.

Yeah.

Well, thanks a million, Tina.

Hey, there are stacks of cars here.

HE CHUCKLES

-I'll be back at the motel later on.

-Bye.

Ta-ra, love.

-Buenos dias!

-Hello.

-How may I help you, sir?

Yeah, I wanna buy a car. A cheap car, a very cheap car.

Well, you've come to the right place, amigo.

If you can find cars like these any cheaper, they're probably stolen.

My name's Burt, Burt Munro from New Zealand. Nice to meet you.

I'm Fernando from El Salvador. Nice to meet you, Mr Munro.

-You can call me Burt.

-OK, Mr Burt.

-Yeah.

-So, how much were you looking to spend, Mr Burt?

-Not a lot, Fernando.

I haven't got much left after the cab ride I took yesterday.

ENGINE GROANS You want 399 for this?

-Huh, it sounds a bit sick.

-Well, what would you offer me?

Listen, I'll give you 200 if you do me a favour.

Er, throw in the use of your workshop

and some of that junk I see lying around....

I've gotta knock up a trailer to drag my bike over to Bonneville.

-That's not a favour. 325 is a favour.

-No. Er, 225?

-You're a tough customer, Mr Burt.

-Yeah.

-But I like you.

I'm going to give it to you for 250. You can use the workshop at night.

-And keep the noise down.

-All right, what about tonight?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, tonight's OK.

-All right, let's... stop the car.

Let's get this thing running properly.

ENGINE RATTLES

FIZZLES

Ah!

RATTLES AND CLINKS

ENGINE RUMBLES AND ROARS

Yeah, that sounds better.

-Let me drive.

-OK, come on.

Yeah, she's singing like a bird now.

She's a good old girl, isn't she? Oh, here we are.

All right!

HORN HONKS

-Er, you, er, make a left here, Mr Burt.

-All right.

HORNS HONK Crikey! They're on the wrong si...

YOU'RE ON THE WRONG...! Stop the car! Stop!

-Aaaaagh! Turn.

-All right, calm down!

-I know how to turn it.

-Stop, stop!

HE CHUCKLES

Hey, keep your shirt on.

Back in New Zealand we drive on the other side of the road.

Yeah? You'll get us all killed!

-Yeah.

-Well, you're not in New Zealand.

-You're in America.

-Yeah, I know.

-We drive on the right side.

-Yeah.

HE GRUNTS

BURT CHUCKLES

-Ooh!

-Now, Burt, let me give you some advice.

-What?

-When you're driving, not only here in America

-but anywhere around the world...

-Yeah?

-The driver should always be

in the centre of the road. In the centre!

-If you're not in the centre, you're on the wrong side! OK?

-Yeah.

FIZZLING

-Well, you want this right here?

-Yeah, that's right.

Watch it. Yeah, good.

-Got it.

-Dios mio! It's three in the morning!

Yeah, well, time flies when you're having fun, doesn't it?

You know, when I told you you could use the workshop at night,

-I didn't mean all night.

-Yeah.

-My wife's going to kill me.

You take yourself back home. I'll snooze in the back of the car.

And I'll lock up the place before I go to sleep.

Seems like a whole lotta effort to sell a lousy 250 motor car!

-Yeah.

-OK, Mr Burt, you pull the, the door down. Have a good night.

Hey, Fernando! Er, where do I get, er...

Where do I take a leak around here?

-A leak?

-Yeah, a pee. Trouble with the old prostate, you know?

Yeah, straight through those doors there's a door says, "Caballero."

-All right.

-OK. I'll see you in the morning.

-Early, OK?

-Yeah, goodnight. Where were we?

TAPPING

-Burt?

-Huh...?

-Buenos dias, Mr Burt!

-HE GRUNTS

-So, did you get it all finished?

-Yeah.

All I need to do is find a couple of wheels and I'll be ready to roll.

Well, hey, you know, I got some wheels in the back you could have

-if you do me a favour.

-Say the word.

Crank it now, Fernando!

ENGINE FIRES

-Good!

-Burt.

-Yeah?

-You're a goddamn genius!

-Thank you.

Hey, listen, why you gotta go? Stick around here a while,

-I'll pay you well.

-Sorry, mate, I gotta get to Bonneville by the 23rd.

That's when Speed Week starts and, you know, I gotta hit the road.

-Well, you always got a job here.

-Thanks, mate.

-I'll see ya.

-Best of luck to you.

-Ta-ra!

HE MUTTERS IN SPANISH

-Hello, love.

-I was worried about you.

-Housekeeping said you didn't sleep in your bed all night.

-Oh, well,

-do I get a discount for that?

-I doubt it.

I need you to show me how to get to Long Beach to pick up my bike.

I'm finished here in 15 minutes. I'll come with you.

HE WHISTLES

Not a bad set of wheels for 250 bucks, eh?

-You sure it'll make it to Utah?

-Yeah.

This old girl'd get to New Zealand and back.

-Here, hop in, my fair lady.

-Thank you.

HE WHISTLES

Bloke who sold me the car, he gave me a good tip.

He said, always remember that the driver, that's me,

-should be on the, er, centre of the road.

-Look out!

All right. In New Zealand we drive on the other side of the street!

-You do?

-Yeah. Sorry about that.

HORNS HONK Yeah.

-Do you want me to drive?

-No, I've gotta get used to it, haven't I?

HONKING CONTINUES

-This should be Customs right here.

-Right.

-Hello.

-Can I help you, sir?

-Yeah, my name's Burt Munro.

I've come to pick up my motorcycle. I came into port two days ago

from New Zealand and, er... On a freighter called Rangatira.

I was told to come here to clear it through Customs.

-OK, er, Mr Munro...

-Yeah, Munro, M-U-N-R-O.

Munro... Wait here a minute, sir.

Thank you.

-Mr Munro is here for that damaged shipment.

-Yeah.

-Mr Moonro.

-Munro.

-Come with me, please, to the storage area.

-Is there a problem?

-Your consignment has suffered some damage.

-Oh, no!

Why the heck did I bother to paint these arrows on the side of it?

That's the way it was delivered here unfortunately.

-What happened to it?

-My information is that ten tonnes of fertiliser

-was inadvertently loaded on top. I'd sue the shipping company.

-Sue?

I haven't got time to waste my bloomin' life suing anybody!

Get some of your blokes to pull this right side up

so I can get in to the motorcycle and see what damage has been done.

All right, fellas. Let's get it unwrapped.

Tail's all right.

No damage so far. No damage at all.

-Good!

-Lucky it was packed so well.

-Yes, a bloomin' miracle!

Well, the, er, old Indian lives to fight another day!

Thanks a million, Tina. I don't know what I'd have done

without you today. You're the real salt of the Earth, you know that?

-You wouldn't like to come home to mi casa for dinner?

-No, I can't, love.

-I'll cook you a meal.

-No, gotta get out of Dodge, as they say.

-OK, my good friend from Kiwiland. Stay in touch, won't you?

-I will.

-Here's my phone number.

-OK.

-Call and tell me how you're doin'.

-Well, can I call collect?

-You can try.

-It's a good job I think you're a woman.

-I am a woman.

Yeah, right. Ta-ra, love. See ya.

HONKS HORN

HONKS HORN

-Morning.

-Morning.

HE GROANS

Fill her up, will you, please?

-Regular or ethyl?

-Who's Ethel?

All right, er... I'll take ethyl.

-Hi, young fella.

-Hello. Is this a rocket ship?

-What?

-Is this a rocket ship?

I hope so.

RATTLES AND SQUEAKS

Agh!

TYRES SQUEAL

Oh, gosh...

What's happened to you?

Oh, well.

Let's have a look at you.

HE GROANS

Gotcha!

Hey, come on.

I thought we were going to make it, you and me.

And now look what's happened.

HE GASPS

HE GROANS

HE GASPS

-Hello, mate.

-Got a problem?

Yeah! Am I glad to see you. Yeah, I've, er, lost a wheel.

-Help me get my rig back on the road, will you?

-OK, let me see.

My name's Burt, Burt Munro.

-Jake.

-Jake?

-Yeah.

-You Indian?

-Yes.

Well, this here could be the world's fastest Indian.

Well, at least until just now. She's a bit heavy mind you.

So let's take it easy. One, two, three...

THEY BOTH GROAN

HE GASPS Do you live round here, Jake?

-Burt?

-Huh?

What do you wanna ride that contraption for?

That's a good question.

Er... I guess the reward is in the, er, doing of it, you know?

Jake, I'm dying for a pee. Where do I go?

That little building back there.

-I got a touch of prostate trouble, you know?

-I have similar problems.

I thought you blokes would have some magic cure for that sort of thing.

-Well, we have.

-Yeah?

-One old remedy is ground-up dog balls.

-Oh, God!

-But I prefer prostate trouble.

-Yeah, I bet you do, mate.

Jake, gotta get going. Got to hit the road.

-Burt, I have something for you.

-What's that, then?

-What's this?

-For good luck.

Oh, yeah, piece of jewell... Never worn jewellery before.

Thanks, mate. Oh, I got something for you too. Hang about.

Right, er, let's see.

Yeah... I've got this.

-It's a spare one. I made it myself.

-What do I do with this?

-You got a hacksaw?

-Yeah.

-Just slice the top off of it.

It'll make a great ashtray. Not that I approve of smoking mind you.

-Thank you very much.

-Thanks a lot, mate. So long.

-Sorry we couldn't fix your trailer.

-Oh, I'll get there somehow.

-Burt?

-What?

-For the prostate.

-Ah!

Use with water, plenty of water. Tastes bad, really bad!

Dogs' balls, huh?

Well, thanks a lot, mate. See ya. Ta-ra!

HONKS HORN

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Hello!

Anyone home?

Hello! Hello, there!

I've had a spot of bother with my trailer. I lost a wheel.

-You're not from around these parts.

-I'm from down there.

-What?

-I'm from down under, the other side of the world. New Zealand!

Southernmost city in the British empire, called Invercargill.

-One of the most beautiful cities on Earth.

-Hm.

-Name's Burt Munro.

-Burt, Ada.

-What?

-Ada!

-Here she is.

-Whoa-ho-ho...!

SHE CHUCKLES

We got some problems here, yes, siree.

-Yeah.

-I tell you what you need to do.

Cannibalise the stub axle off that old Ford right there.

-OK.

-Lucky for you I got welding gear. We'll get a wheel on pronto.

-Good!

Yeah, that's got it.

-When you've, er...finished there -

-Yeah?

I got something that I wanna show you.

-What's that?

-Ohhhhh...never you mind.

-You just get that wheel on there right.

-Yeah.

-Why did you bring me out here?

-I, er, I wanna show you this.

-What?

-Right here.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

I, er...

I laid my old boy to rest 12 years ago next week.

-Oh, yeah?

-And I sure do miss him.

-I sure do miss the old boy.

-"He did his level best."

-He did!

-I always figured a man's like a blade of grass.

He grows up in the spring strong and healthy and green

and, er, and he reaches middle age and he ripens as it were

and then, er...in the autumn he, like a blade of grass,

he finishes, just fades away and he never comes back.

And just like a blade of grass,

I think when you're dead, you're dead.

I always thought that, since I grew up.

-Is that your philosophy?

-Well, I don't know. Yeah, I suppose it is.

When you get to my age these thoughts cross your mind sometimes, you know?

HE CHUCKLES

SNAKE HISSES AND RATTLES

JUMP!

-Agh! Agh! Agh!

-Jump! Oh! Jump!

Oh, sideways, you fool! Sideways!

Oh, my God, man! Haven't you seen a snake before?

-No, we don't get snakes in New Zealand.

-I ought to move there!

-Where's he going?

-Damn rattlers!

-Any more around here? Ooh, God!

-Fancy this.

You come all this way to bite the dust up at Boot Hill!

Yeah. Been a laugh, hasn't it?

Been a laugh...

Oh, my God!

-Hey, Burt?

-Huh?

Where you going to sleep tonight?

I dunno, no idea.

HE CHUCKLES

I don't know.

I had a strange dream last night.

I dreamt about my late...twin brother.

Ernie.

Yeah, I thought he was in the room here, looking down on us.

I guess it's all that, er, fun and games at the graveyard.

I suppose... Oh, well...

Getting old ain't for the faint of heart, I'll tell you that.

Oh, God! What you done to my back, Ada?

Ohhh! Ohhhh!

I am getting old.

Hey, come on, old girl, make me a cup of tea. I gotta hit the road.

Ada, come on! You haven't died in your sleep, have you, old girl?

-Make me a cup of tea!

-Hmm, come here, lover boy!

I'll make it myself, thanks.

Now, Burt, you promise me you going to pop in on your way back.

Because I can always use another little cuddle.

Yeah, that's what I said. That's what I intend to do.

There's many a good tune played on an old banjo, as they say!

-And what we don't use, we lose.

-Yeah, that's what they say.

See ya. Ta-ra, darling.

And, er, may you have good luck with your Indian.

Yeah, you should say, "Break a leg".

See ya.

G'day. Boy, is it hot out there.

HE GASPS

I bet birds fly backwards here to keep dust out of their eyes.

-What can I get ya?

-I'd like a cup of tea, please.

-Cup of tea?

-Yeah. Best drink for quenching the thirst

-when the weather's hot.

-We ain't seen a cup of tea in here ever!

We got Coors, we got Miller or Coke.

-And whiskey.

-Oh.

Well, I'll have Coke, then.

-You know, er, smoking's bad for you, don't you?

-Is that so?

Yeah. Personally I don't smoke and I don't drink.

I had the right education from my dad on that. He was like King James I,

a great anti-smoking man.

FLY BUZZES

-Sounds like you're on a one-man crusade there, Grandpa.

-Yeah.

You're born with one pair of lungs, so why destroy them with that muck?

Hm. Where you from? Where's your home town?

-You English?

-Heavens, no! I'm no pommie.

-I'm from, er, Invercargill in New Zealand.

-Where?

Invercargill. Er, I-N-V-E-R-C-A-R-G-I-L-L.

I spell it with one L sometimes to save ink.

-Huh...

-Got any of those critters over there?

Oh, yes. Much bigger, though. We breed them down there on big farms.

And, er, cut off their antlers and send them over to Hong Kong.

And they grind the antlers into dust and, er, they eat that stuff.

Um, it must be some sort of, er, aphrodisiac or something...

-Puts lead in your pencil!

-You could do with some of that, eh, Leroy?

ALL CHUCKLE

Yeah, Leroy!

-Your girlfriend?

-Wife.

Ohh! Oh, dear!

HE GROANS

-Ohhh. Agh!

-You all right?

HE GASPS

Agh!

HE GASPS AND PANTS

PILLS RATTLE

Oh, God!

Oh, crikey!

HE GASPS AND GROANS

Did you decide to leave Jackie a tip after all?

BURT GRUNTS

Look, sir, if you're not feeling well,

-you should drop into the hospital in the next town.

-Oh, right.

Right...

-Pull down your window.

-Eh?

-What's the problem?

-You're parked illegally.

-Oh.

-You're a danger to passing traffic.

-Am I?

-Let's see your driver's licence.

Yeah, all right.

Here you are.

HE MUTTERS

-Where are you from?

-I'm from New Zealand.

That's the Land of the Long White Cloud,

-Aotearoa, home of the Kiwi bird.

-I don't care if you're from Mars,

-you cannot stop here.

-All right.

You cannot stop on the side of this road. You're parked illegally.

OK, well, I'm sorry. I, I was having a bit of a heart attack

and, er, well recovering from one, anyway...

-Yeah, well, next time how about we stop at a proper rest area?

-All right.

-My name's Burt Munro.

-OK.

-Sorry about that.

-Oil's OK.

-Thank you.

-That's all right, sir.

Excuse me? Hi there.

-Hi.

-Listen, I, er, I was wondering if I could catch a ride.

My car, she just broke down and I'm trying to get to Salt Lake City.

I'm only going as far as Wendover. That's where I'm stopping.

-Anything'd be better than nothing.

-Ain't that the truth. Hop in, mate.

Thank you.

I, er, I'm going to go see my girlfriend.

She just moved from LA to Salt Lake.

-Oh, yeah?

-I'm home on leave from Nam.

-Where?

-Vietnam.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

Hey, what is that you got strapped on back there?

Ah, that, young fellow, is a...an Indian.

Motorcycle.

So, what are you doing in Vietnam?

-I'm involved in Operation Ranch Hand.

-What's that?

-Farming or something?

-Oh, no, not exactly.

We just started this programme. We are spraying the jungle from the air

with herbicides so the Viet Cong don't have any place to hide. Right?

Agent Orange, we call this stuff. It comes in these big orange drums.

Oh, yeah? How is it working out?

Um... well, I'm home on two weeks' leave.

Then I gotta get back. We should have this war done in six months.

That's what they keep telling us. Can't wait to get my ass outta there

-to tell you the truth.

-Yeah, I remember the Great War of 1914.

I was about your age. That's what they kept telling everyone.

"Soon be over."

20 million dead and four years later it was still going on.

Not as bad as the big flu epidemic, though.

Killed 21 million that did, or maybe more.

Every day when I left to go to work

my mum would spray some formalin on my shirt...

And, er, maybe that's why I didn't catch it.

Or maybe I was just lucky. You never know.

HE SIGHS

-Knock on wood.

-Yeah.

You know, life's a funny thing.

You never know what's round the corner, do you?

"Your shaving brush,

"let it stay."

BOTH: "Why not shave... the modern way."

"Burma-Shave".

BOTH: "If she doesn't kiss you... like she used to,

"perhaps she's seen some smoother rooster"!

"Burma-Shave"!

"These signs we dedicate...

"..to men who've had no date of late"!

"Burma-Shave"!

There, that's us. Or you anyway.

HE CHUCKLES

Look at that!

Oh, that's a cowboy and a half!

Thought I'd come up to the salt with you. I'd like to be there

-the first time you see it. It's only a couple of miles.

-All right, then.

-That sounds good.

-There's lot of people in town for Speed Week, huh?

Yeah, looks like it.

Oh, this is it, Burt. You can, er, take a left right up here.

Here?

I'm at Bonneville! Mate, I can't believe it!

I mean, I'm here, I've made it!

I've made it!

All my life I wanted to do something big.

Something bigger and better than all the other jokers.

And this is it, Bonneville.

This is the place where...big things happen.

Do you realise, Rusty, the fastest man has ever gone on land is here?

Right here where we are now?

HE GASPS

Malcolm Campbell did it here with Bluebird.

First guy to go over 300mph.

And then later his son, Donald, was here with Proteus.

He crashed at 350mph and lived to tell the tale.

John Cobb was here...

First guy to go over 400mph.

All the great attempts...

George Eyston with Thunderbolt

and, er, Mickey Thompson with Challenger.

I'm telling you, Rusty, this place is holy ground, mate.

Holy ground...

And I made it here.

Well, Burt, thanks a million. I'll look for you in the record books.

-You take care over there in Vietnam, won't you?

-I'll be trying.

-Drive safe.

-Yeah.

-See ya.

-See ya.

HE GASPS

God!

HE GASPS

Ohh!

Oh, God!

Jesus! Yeah...!

-G'day.

-Hey, there.

-Going to be a great day.

-Yeah.

-Still.

-No wind.

-Lovely day for a run.

-Salt's in good shape.

-Yeah. Firm and dry.

Dead flat, no soft patches. Not like the beach.

Yeah, I can do it here.

Yep...this week.

-That's what we're here for.

-Yeah.

-God, is that yours?

-Yep.

Oh, she's a beauty! I bet she goes fast.

-That yours?

-Yeah, it's an old Indian.

My name is Munro, Burt Munro, from down under - New Zealand.

-Long way from home.

-Yeah.

-Jim Moffit, San Jose, California.

-Nice to meet you, Burt.

-Good to meet you, Jim.

ENGINE BOOMS

PA CHATTER

'Driven by Jim Moffit of San Jose, California.'

ENGINE BOOMS

ENGINE ROARS

CHATTER

Come on, let's go!

-Morning!

-Hello. Burt Munro.

-Mike.

-Hello, Mike.

-Are you checked in?

-No, not yet.

Well, you know, you gotta remove the shell before the tech inspection.

-Where do I check in?

-Oh, it's just over there.

-Thanks, fellas.

-OK.

-Thank you.

I gotta see this.

Hello, I've, er, come to check in.

-Munro, Burt Munro.

-Registration number?

-What...?

-Registration number! I don't see your number here.

Oh, no, it's, er, number 35.

It's on the side of my motorcycle over there.

-And it's my lucky number.

-Have you registered?

No. That's what I've come for. These two blokes sent me over here -

-Mike and someone else.

-Sir, registration closed last month.

If you haven't registered, sorry, er, you just can't run.

I can't run? I mean, er... well, how was I supposed to know

I should have pre-registered? I've come a heck of a long way

to run my bike. I'm not going anywhere until I've done just that.

I've come all the way from New Zealand, you know? It's a long way.

-We don't make the rules.

-An event like this doesn't just happen!

-Rules are rules. Closed July 31st.

-But, crikey, I live in Invercargill!

It's halfway round the bloody Earth!

How was I to know these things? I don't know all this stuff!

-Sir, it's not our problem.

-I thought I could turn up, have my bike timed.