Irina Palm

This programme contains strong language

and some scenes of a sexual nature

CHURCH BELLS CHIME

CAR HORN HONKS

Mum, it's a bit...

Yeah, I know, it's a lovely lion.

I won it in a raffle. Come on, let's go.

-We'll be late.

-All right.

-Grr!

-Nana!

-Hi, Ollie!

-Hi!

Who's my boy?

-Me!

-Maggie, you shouldn't have.

Well?

Did you bring any water?

-Sarah, don't. Just...

-But the water's foul here.

-Please, I just forgot. All right?

-Here.

Thanks.

Look how nicely they've done it.

Sold it for nothing.

All these treatments, and Ollie's still ill.

We'd never forgiven ourselves if we hadn't tried everything.

Anyway, I don't regret a thing. I'd sell up again tomorrow.

Why do you still come here?

Jane's not all bad.

Gives me something to do, I suppose.

Takes my mind off things.

Anyway, thanks.

I couldn't resist.

Oh, Jane.

-You shouldn't have.

-Boys love that kind of thing.

Now, listen.

Beth and Julia are forging ahead.

I know things haven't been easy, but I'm getting a tinsy-wincy bit bored with losing.

I want to savour the smell of victory just once.

I want to see the smug little smiles wiped off their faces.

How's Ollie?

Same as...oh, not really.

-He's...

-He'll pull through, Maggs.

Mr and Mrs Cooper, I've just examined Ollie,

and Ollie's condition is deteriorating.

There is a new treatment,

in the Orphan Diseases' Congress in Melbourne.

I'm referring Ollie's case to a specialist consultant in London.

Last throw of the dice, then?

Yeah.

You're in luck, they're going to take him.

You should leave as soon as possible.

-Leave?

-Yes, Australia.

-What?

-I assumed you knew.

It's the only place that do it.

-You can't do it here?

-No.

-We have to go there?

Yes.

Who pays?

When can we take him?

Frankly, as soon as possible.

Should he stay beyond six weeks or so, he'll be too weak to travel.

-Who pays?

-The treatment is pro bono.

All other costs, hospital, travel, et cetera, will have to be met.

By us.

HE SIGHS

We will find the money.

You know...

Give it a rest, Mum.

-We can borrow.

-We can nothing! Nobody will loan us any more money,

the whole village have already donated.

Shut up! Both of you shut up!

-At least Mum's trying to help...

-Shut up!

OK, look, I just want to go home, OK?

I just...

Look, just take me home.

I can find my own way home.

It's OK.

Go on. Go on.

You're already heavily in debt.

You've got nothing to borrow against.

I mean, you've got no income,

you've got no savings,

and you don't own your own home any more.

My grandson is dying.

I need money.

You have no skills, no employment history and no qualifications.

What is it that you think I can do for you?

Look, I'm gonna be honest. At your age, it's gonna be almost impossible to find you anything.

I'm sorry.

I've come about the job.

Down the corridor, last door.

OK.

A job?

Do you know what goes on here?

Do you know what hostess does?

Sort of.

Sort of?

What kind of sort of?

Sort of things.

Things?

Things like, um,

making tea and clearing up... those sort of things.

Here, the word "hostess" is a euphemism.

Do you know what a euphemism is?

-No.

-I didn't either.

My lawyer explained it to me.

When you use one word for another.

For example, here, hostess means...whore.

OK.

What kind of hostess you are?

Straight?

Kinky?

Many special tricks?

No, listen here, Mr...

Miklaus.

If you're good, if I like you, Miki

You are not working girl.

I bet you can't even say "fuck".

Can you?

You're too old.

Show me your hands.

Show me your hands. I'm not going to bite.

Give me your hands.

They're pretty.

And smooth.

Very smooth.

Many girls work here.

Their hands are OK, but...

I think we'll have a bit less of that...please.

OK, this is the deal.

Men come here to see, to touch, to be touched by woman, you understand?

Can you wank

-men off?

-What?

-Can you wank men off?

-What?

Can you...wank men off?

Er, yes...

no...I mean, if I'm being honest,

it's been a long, long time since I...

Pity. Hands like yours are made for those sort of things.

I think I'd better go.

Start at £600 a week.

-How much?

-Maybe eight with your hands, who knows?

Nine?

What's the matter? Lost your husband?

KNOCK AT DOOR DOOR OPENS

THUMPING MUSIC FROM CAR

SHE SIGHS

KNOCK AT DOOR

GAME BEEPS ON PHONE

DOOR OPENS

What?

I've come about the job.

Japan.

I see them in Tokyo, bring them here.

No-one else has something like this, except Sexy World. Nobody but me.

You press this button.

Red tells them you're ready.

They get five, six minutes.

Any longer, you press this button.

If they don't come, I'll come.

This Luisa,

she will show you ropes.

Hello.

Hi.

-Phone.

-Yeah.

You have a whole evening.

OK.

Time to go to work.

Sorry, what, now?

Yes.

First, you get a good grip.

See? See how it stiffens.

Circumcised - not so sensitive, grip tighter.

-Speed is important.

-MAN MOANS

-Make sure to change, like this.

-< Oh, God! Bloody hell!

-MAN MOANS

-Oh, fuck! Oh, bloody hell.

Oh, fucking hell!

Oh, Calm down. Calm down.

Calm yourself down. That's it. Calm down.

Do they always go on like that?

No, only him.

Watch. After, slow, fast again.

The harder it gets, the faster you go.

Oh! Oh!

Remember, you are in control.

Oh, Christ!

Oh!

Oh!

-Oh! Oh!

-HE SIGHS

See? It easy.

Next time, you do.

-Who? Me?

-Who else?

No, no, no, no, I really can't.

OK, you wanna leave?

Come on, sit down.

First time is always most embarrassing, but after that,

you'll wank for England!

-Give me your hand.

-Mmm?

-Your hand!

-I really think...I think you should do just another one...

I do, yeah.

Your hand.

Bloody hell!

-Perk of the job.

-No, I can't!

-Come on.

Relax. Yeah? Relax.

Up and down, slowly.

Slowly, relax.

-MAN GROANS

-It's too soft. Grip it.

Don't be frightened.

-Agh!

-Sorry!

-Just get on with it!

-(Sorry!)

-Oh!

Relax, that's good.

Gently, but firm. That's good.

-All the way along. Like that. That's it.

-Oh!

HE PANTS

Oh, ah!

HE GRUNTS

She worth the trouble?

So...funny.

Of course it's funny, but is she worth it or not?

She has a soft touch.

Could be.

What day is it?

-Wednesday.

-You've got till Friday.

-Now, have you got your ticket?

-Yes, I got it earlier, don't fuss.

I hope it's on time.

Where are we now?

Maggie! Where are you off to?

TRAIN RUMBLES

Maggs, are you all right?

Need anything?

METAL CLATTERS

Ooh!

Mm. Yeah, ah...

Jesus Christ. Oh.

MAN MOANS

Jeez...! Oh.

METAL CLATTERS

MAN GROANS

You can go home now.

ANSWERPHONE: 'Hi, leave your message after the beep'.

'Just me, Maggs. What on earth's got into you?

'Julia found the whole thing thoroughly bizarre.

'And where are you now, for heaven's sake, this time of night?

'Give me a call. Soon'.

(You still here? Where's Mum?)

You should go and live with your mother.

-Maggie.

-Mr Miklaus.

-We can still make love.

Hey. You need a drink, huh?

We met when I was 17.

Trevor was old, full of himself.

I didn't know any better. Who does, at that age?

Ended up pregnant.

Home had nothing to offer.

So I got married. Came down here.

But then I...lost the baby.

Tom arrived 12 years later.

Quite a surprise, to say the least.

We plodded on,

like you do.

And Trevor died.

Seven years ago.

Heart attack.

And just after that,

Ollie became ill.

And...

and here I am.

The Wanking Widow.

Yeah. My husband was a pig.

He beat me. So...so I left.

Bastard. Now, one for the road?

Yeah, why not?

Chris, two more.

-Oh, don't tell me you've stopped.

-I promised Tom I would.

I think about stopping every day.

But then I think, "Screw it, I deserve

"all the cigarettes in the world".

Thank you.

And...I'll have...

five of these, the 100,000 ones, please.

Feeling lucky, are we?

Oh. I thought I had more.

I'm sorry, I'll have four of them.

Thanks.

Hi.

DANCE MUSIC THUMPS

200?

But this isn't...you, you said...

I say Monday you earn six to eight, if you work.

And don't cry.

I make the rules.

Mum?

Just thought I'd come back for the rest of the washing.

I'm heading back to the hospital, so I thought I'd get it now.

You all right, Mum?

Me? No. I mean, yes. Why?

Well, it's just that you haven't been to the hospital for a while

and...it's not like you, that's all.

-I thought maybe you were ill or something.

-No, no, I'm OK.

You know me, same old me.

I'll be in tomorrow. Promise.

Good, Ollie's missing you.

Thanks, Mum.

How is he?

You need a rest.

I've been turned down again.

I know.

I don't know what to think any more.

I can't...

just don't know what to do any more.

Doctor said in about four weeks, he'll be too weak to... to...

I love him so much.

I really love him.

DANCE MUSIC THUMPS

640.

-I need more. I need...

-A name.

A name, you earn more.

Irina Palm.

I like Irina.

Where I come from, there are many beautiful Irinas.

First girl I did it with,

she was an Irina.

They see Irina, they think...

Some sexy, young girl.

-Not a middle-aged frump.

-Frump?

What is "frump"?

Someone like me.

Dull, middle-aged.

If you are so frumpy, how can I make you Irina?

Don't be so shy.

"Irina"...sexy!

You can be anyone. You know, at home you are Maggie.

Clean, wash up, kids, all the shit, but here, Irina.

You like being called Suzy Lush?

Who cares? Separate, always. In the boot, Suzy,

at home with my child, Adam, with my friends, Luisa.

Forget, shit happens.

Your round.

Been working hard?

Are you ignoring me?

I do think you've been just the teeniest bit selfish, don't you?

Sneaking off to heaven knows where, leaving your closest friends...

Are we in some kind of race or something?

Maggs! Maggs, slow down.

Maggs!

What...oh, for God's sake, what's got into you?

Maggs! Maggie, what on earth is going on?

-Please, Jane, I'm late.

-Late?

-Late for what?

-Late for work.

Late for work? Oh. You've got a job? Plot thickens. What job? Where?

-I've got to go.

-You're blushing.

I'm not. I've got to go.

Don't follow me.

Just don't.

-A job?

-A job?

-Where?

-Where indeed?

-Doing what?

-She wouldn't say.

-Why on earth not?

Maggie can't do anything, can she?

Oh, God! Ooh, yes! Oh, God!

Yes! Ah!

750.

-What?

-Nothing.

Hmm?

This one. Thank you.

Hi, Nana!

Look what I found,

lying in the street.

No, you didn't!

-I can't stay long.

-Why not? You're never here any more.

Well, I've got things to do, mister.

Like trying to make sure you get better.

-How?

-It's a secret.

-I like secrets.

-Yeah, but the thing about a secret

is that it has to stay a secret.

And it will be a long time before I can tell you this one.

So, remember, shh! It's a secret.

Maggie!

You didn't tell us you were coming.

Um, a flying visit, you know, to keep his chin up.

You look in a bit of a hurry. Off anywhere special?

No, not really, few things to do.

Bits and bobs. I must go.

THUMPING DANCE MUSIC

You're good.

Thank you.

Not many women have your...touch.

I try you out.

You..."tried me out"?

-You have...how to say?

-When?

Yesterday. Of course I try you out.

I have to know.

If I don't know,

how do I build your future?

I want you to work more, longer.

Evenings. You can become big earner.

I need £6,000.

-It's not a problem, with your hands.

-Now. I need it now.

HE CHUCKLES

That's it.

-I've had enough of this.

-Where are you going?

£6,000 is a lot!

-I...don't have time to become a big earner.

-Why?

-OK, if I give you...

-if...

-what do I get?

I'll earn £800 a week, minimum.

I will work for ten more weeks.

So you'll get your £6,000,

and can keep all the rest as interest.

OK.

If you cheat me,

I'll find you, and I kill you.

TV: 'Today, how to avoid being a Colleen McLoughlin or

'a Catherine Zeta-Jones...'

For the flights,

the hotel...

For the...well,

you know, the usual.

It's enough, isn't it?

I think I'd better go.

It'll be ready tomorrow.

Where did you get it?

Always your right elbow. I don't know how you do it.

Where did you get the money?

Well, the stitch won't show, I hope.

Mum, this is a lot of money, where did you get it?

Listen to me!

As if you're gonna need it out there.

Mum, can we just stop this for a second, please? This is creepy.

-I just want to know you haven't done something stupid.

-No, I haven't.

Then where did you get the money?

I'm not telling you. And I never will.

Why?

Because...

you've got Ollie to sort out.

You've got flights to book, you've got hotels to arrange.

You're wasting time.

OK.

-No-one's gonna break in.

-(Why don't you shout a bit louder?

(The other end of the village didn't hear you.)

You dozed off.

Do you want me to keep reading? OK.

"Arks edged closer.

"Sure enough, he saw a dark shadow in the oily water.

"It looked like the shadow was something very big.

"Very dangerous. "If only we could get a closer look at it", said Tex.

Captain Ox gasped,

"If the water level keeps rising,

"he might swim up here

"and get a closer look at us".

Sorry. Train was late.

I said I'm sorry.

Oh! Oh!

Ooh! Oof!

Oh, so good! Oh!

Oh, yeah!

Gave me the shock of my life, you did.

-I'm not telling you.

-Not telling me what?

Whatever it is you wanna know.

-You don't know what I'm going to ask you yet.

-I'm not telling you.

Why? What's so bad?

I'm not in trouble if that's what you're worried about - I'm not that daft.

But I'm not telling you. No.

Where did I put my scissors?

You really mean it, don't you? You don't want me to know.

No.

So, presumably, this is the reason

why it's gonna be years before you can tell Ollie your secret.

What was that banging?

You're crazy! Separate, Maggie, separate!

Otherwise...

One week worked, 600 paid of debt.

Nine weeks left, 5,400 still owed.

Is there anything else I need to know?

Like what?

Like, will you be decorating the rest of my club as well?

Can I go now?

LOUD DANCE MUSIC THUMPS

MUSIC STOPS

Oi, you! You nosy cow! What the fuck you think you're doing?

Pervert!

Yeah. Penis elbow.

-"Penis elbow"?

-Yeah - tennis players get tennis elbow, we get penis elbow.

Penis elbow.

Been busy?

Rest it for a while.

Apply this,

-morning and evening.

-How long?

A week, at least.

You'll need to wear this for a while as well.

Don't take it off, even at home.

-Can you work with your left hand?

-Think so.

Good.

-She's that good?

-Oh, yeah.

And then some.

You should see the fucking queue.

Find out a bit more about her.

Psst. Don't let Miki find out.

-Tea?

-No, thanks. Just come to tell you

-we're flying to Melbourne a week on Thursday.

-Fine.

What's happened to your arm?

This? Nothing.

Doesn't look like nothing - you've got your arm in a sling.

-What happened?

-Nothing to tell, really, it's just a sprain.

Doing what? What were you doing?

Just cleaning.

Really, it's nothing dramatic.

You got any bread left?

-I've run out.

-Yeah. It's in the bin.

-Thanks, Mum.

-You're welcome.

-Give my love to Ollie.

-I will. Night.

Oooh! Been in the wars, have we?

Not really.

-Looks bad, that.

-Oh, no, it's really nothing.

-I'll have a...

-Arm in a sling...

It's nothing, really.

So, how did it happen then?

I'll have a pint of milk, please, Edith, and two scouring pads.

Wrenched your arm, did you?

-No.

-Lifting?

-No.

-Land on it badly?

-No.

So just how did you do it then?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Thank you.

THUMPING DANCE MUSIC

Luisa, what's wrong?

Fuck off!

Empty boot and not enough clients is very bad image.

But you can't just sack her!

-I...sack people every week.

-But how can you? She's got a kid!

People work here to make profit.

-But...

-Clients want you, not her.

She leaves, you stay. It's business.

If I give up my job, will you take her back?

How? You owe me. You have eight weeks left to pay your debt.

Then you'll leave. Business is that.

So that's all I am to you.

Business.

What do you want?

Look, she's Maggie.

She took my job. Huh?

SHE SPEAKS NATIVE TONGUE

Doesn't sound too good, does it?

Taking someone's job, my job, you fucking bitch.

Why you're here?

Why?

Feel guilty?

Or...come to see how the poor little loser lives?

Or come to help?

-I thought we were friends.

-Friends, yes.

I had a good job, good money.

I help you, I teach you.

I even told Miki how good you are.

That's a friend, I think.

And what did you do?

-I didn't do anything.

-You didn't do anything?

You took my clients, you fucking tourist.

-Maybe...

-Maybe just fuck off!

DOOR SLAMS

Got a cigarette?

SHE COUGHS

Thank you.

Seven weeks left, 4,200 left to pay.

How is your arm?

Miss Irina? Please, let me have the honour to showing you something.

Just across the road here.

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Piazza Irina P.

Sheer class. That's not the best bit.

-What happened to your arm?

-Penis elbow.

You don't just wank the punters, you train the girls.

With you here, this'll be the classiest place in Soho.

And...you get 15 per cent of all the girls' earnings on top of your own.

What do you say?

But I still owe Miki.

You don't, do you?

How much do you owe him?

Over £4,000.

I'll take care of that.

You owe me. What do you say?

I've had an offer.

COMPUTER GAME MUSIC PLAYS

Who?

Someone called Dave.

Sex-o-Roma.

It's a lot of money.

But I still owe you.

Tell me when you leave.

LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Where is she?

Maggie!

-Maggie. Stop, please.

-Why?

I mean nothing to you.

I'm just another Luisa.

You are not Luisa.

Of course not, I'm valuable.

I'm business.

Six girls.

I don't know what I was thinking of,

working in a place like that.

It's like being a madam.

What am I doing here, Miki?

I don't know what you are doing here.

I just came for Ollie.

-Who is Ollie?

-My grandson.

He's dying.

He's dying. I'm wanking.

It's a mess.

What am I gonna do?

-But you said yes.

-No, I didn't. At least, I think I didn't.

What do you want to do?

Stay.

You should smile more.

Come on.

Mum?

-Hi, Jane. It's me, Tom.

-'Tom, do you know what time it is?'

Yeah, I know. Sorry, it's late.

-Is Mum there? It's just...

-'No, of course not. Why would she be?

-'Is there a problem?'

-No, no, it's nothing.

I remember, I think she's somewhere else.

'Are you sure?'

OK. No, no, it's nothing.

-OK, bye.

-'Bye.'

Well, she did say it was a secret.

And?

She left.

Went to America.

Wanted to be a doctor or...

find someone who could...give her...

You never saw her again?

I can't, no.

How come you ended up in a place like this?

I hate people.

Mallorca.

My retirement, if it's ever finished.

You know...

..I really do like your smile.

I like the way you work.

Thanks for walking me.

What'll I do about Dave?

I'll sort it out, it's OK.

Thank you.

I think erm...I'd better go.

I-I can't miss the last train.

It's a pretty sling.

How's that feel?

Not too bad.

It's a bit stiff.

It'll be all right in a couple of days.

Ease yourself back into it.

Take it easy.

Bye.

Goodbye. Thank you very much.

Oh, it's nothing.

It's been an honour to treat Irina Palm.

Bye, girls.

-Hi, Jim.

-Good morning, Maggie.

You're looking gorgeous.

Hey, Natasha.

After next one, tell Maggie to come to my office.

I just want to see if you're all right.

Ollie's dying, you're on the game.

-Sun's shining, what more could I want?

-Tom...

I'm taking that money back.

-I know you must be...

-Must be what? Wh-wh-what must I be?

-You must understand.

-No, I don't understand!

I don't understand, I don't understand a lot of things!

I don't understand advanced maths!

I don't understand black holes or why people like the Beatles!

I don't understand why my mother is a whore!

-I'm not a whore.

-Tom, I think you should apologize.

Sorry, sex worker. Sex worker, isn't that the bullshit term for a whore these days?

I'm not a whore, take that back.

I'm paying that money back, every penny.

Every fucking penny!

-Every penny, Mum!

-Tom, please.

Every penny! There's not enough soap in the world that can clean off what you've been doing!

-Tom, we've got to stop this now.

-Every slimy penny!

-We can't give the money back.

-Stop telling me what I can do!

Stop telling me!

For the last five years people have been telling me, "Do this, do that!

"Don't do this, don't do that!"

"Try this! Try that!

"Don't try this!"

Just leave me alone! Don't fucking tell me!

I don't regret what I've done.

And don't you ever call me that word again.

If you ever set foot in that place again,

you'll never see Ollie again.

Ever.

Never! Never!

He will not have grandmother who's a whore!

Tell them you're not coming back.

-Tom, I...

-You tell them, now!

It's not that simple.

I don't care, Mum! You tell them now!

Please! Tell them now! Right now! Right this minute!

Tell them, please!

Sexy World...

DIAL TONE RINGS

Hello?

Can I speak to Miki, please?

Thank you.

Miki? This is Maggie.

'What happened?'

I'm sorry, but...

'it's my son.'

I won't be coming back.

-You have to.

-'Yes.'

I know. I know.

Listen, she's not ever coming back.

'Do you hear? And your fucking money!'

I'm bringing it back!

DIAL TONE BEEPS

-Hello, Maggie.

-Hello, Maggie.

-Hello.

Hello.

-Well, aren't we the women of mystery?

-Yes, what's all this about a job?

It's no mystery.

Then why all the secrecy?

I must say, I was rather shocked by your behaviour.

I think someone's got a little secret.

Spill the beans, Mags.

Oh, for God's sake, Mags, it's you we're talking about.

It's not as though it's anything remotely interesting.

I wank men off.

Wank?

Masturbation?!

You...masturbate men?

Is that boring enough for you?

Why?

Money.

Without wishing to pry, Mags, but...

how does it...

Not that it's any of one's business, of course, but how...

How do you do it?

Well...

they...

stick their cocks...

..through a hole...

in the wall.

I wank them off...

they come...

end of story.

Miki says...

I've got the best right hand in London.

Miki?

Club owner.

-In Soho?

-Sexyworld.

I'm Irina Palm.

I'm the best.

Irina Palm?

Stage name.

Everyone has them.

Mmm, these look delicious, Jane, did you make them yourself?

Yes.

When you say cocks,

are any of them...

Are any of them...

A-are they...

Big?

Yes.

Well, sometimes.

Every now and then,

you do get one...

that's, well,

I'm talking...

Ooh!

Aah!

Touch of penis elbow.

-Penis elbow?

-Yeah.

Well...

..goodbye.

I was just thinking of Trevor.

If he'd been alive, would you have told him?

No. Probably not.

We're not giving that money back. It's for Ollie.

Stop being so obstinate.

I don't care how she got the money, she got it. That's all that matters.

-To you, maybe.

-Stop being so fucking sanctimonious!

Thomas! Look, we all boast about what we do for our kids, how precious they are, how we'd die for them.

Well, I've just found out what that means.

God knows, there are times I could swing for her, but Maggie put herself on the line for my son.

And I'm grateful.

Thanks.

How is he?

He'll come round.

I came here to say...

To say...

Thanks, really.

There hasn't been a great deal between us, I know.

What you've done...

I...

we want you to come with us.

-You need the money.

-We'll eat a little bit less.

Tom will come round, I'm sure he will.

I suppose I'd better go.

Tell me he's going to be all right?

Please...tell me he's going to be OK.

SOMEONE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Busy.

Oh, we are honoured.

Packet of Rennies please, Edith.

Oh, by the way, given your new, er, profession,

I found...

how shall I say this...

A more salubrious partner. Must dash.

I know about you and Trevor.

I beg your pardon?

Your affair with my husband. I've known for years.

I don't know what you're talking about.

We're not all like you, you know.

I know everything. Times, dates, places.

I know how much you like being spanked.

He confessed before he died.

Couldn't take the guilt.

You know Trevor,

weak. Like his tea.

You know what, Edith?

I really fancy a packet of fruit and nut.

Haven't had one for ages.

Here I am.

Where's Sarah?

The doctors let her stay with Ollie at the hospital.

We're going to follow the ambulance to the airport.

-Sorry I'm late. I'm really sorry.

-We've you been?

-The traffic.

Hey, Ollie, you all right?

Have you got everything? Have you got your books?

OK. Listen, I love you. I'm just behind, OK?

-Sir, we have to go.

-Sorry.

OK, come on.

I'm not going.

What?

I said, I'm not going.

Ollie's going to be fine.

You don't need me over there.

In fact, you'll be better off without me.

Why aren't you coming?

I can't tell you now, remember?

-Our secret?

-Yes.

I'll see when you get back,

when you're well. Right as rain.

Thank you, Maggie.

Right...

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