Under the Tuscan Sun

This programme contains some strong language.

-(APPLAUSE)

-Before I start signing these,

I need to thank somebody who's here tonight.

When I had her at State - that didn't sound right!

I never had her. Wanted her, but never had her.

I meant to say when I took her class at State

I had the worst case of writer's block in the world.

All I had were terrible ideas. I hated them.

I was just about to drop the class when she said something to me

that changed everything.

She said, "Terrible ideas are like playground scapegoats.

"With the right encouragement, they grow up to be geniuses."

She told me to take one of my terrible ideas and work on it.

Well... I did!

(ALL LAUGH / APPLAUD)

Frances Mayes, who loves terrible ideas!

-May I please French-kiss you now?

-(ALL LAUGH) Married, William. Sorry.

-Proud of me?

-Ridiculously.

-These are amazing. What did you do?

-Chocolate is timing, my friend.

-The rest is magic.

-Hey, Professor.

Where's the wine?

Tom is one lucky bastard. A literary wife who makes brownies!

If you tell me you cook in the nude I'll go home and kill myself.

Never. Always in a thong.

If you knew Frances better, you'd know these are a sign of avoidance.

-Thanks(!)

-How's the novel going?

Not so well, but the procrastination course is doing fabulously.

Soon it will breed abject self-loathing,

-then I'll be a writing machine.

-It's her process.

-What about Tom?

-How's his book going?

-Fine. He's home-writing right now.

-You know Tom?

-I met him recently, by coincidence.

-Oh?

-The other coincidence is that, er,

-you reviewed a book of mine.

-I did?

-Did I like it?

-Er, you didn't.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

I'm sure a lot of other critics loved it,

and I really hope you didn't take it personally.

You, er, called my lead character unrealistic.

I think that bad reviews should just be forgotten.

-Give him a brownie.

-And I'd like to give you this brownie.

-It comes in peace.

-You said you couldn't get interested in a novel

where the protagonist was a middle-aged guy

who spent all his time living out his horny teenage fantasies.

I just...find that ironic.

Ironic? Why?

Ask your husband.

What did he just say?

Frances?

Frances?

I've got some unfortunate news for you.

I just got off the phone with your husband's attorney,

and they're going to pursue alimony.

How can we be talking about alimony

when I hardly make enough money to, er...?

But you supported him during the marriage.

Yes, while he was researching and writing his book.

I worked while he pretended to be.

-Unfortunately this is just about the math.

-He was having an affair.

California's a no-fault state.

His attorney says your husband would prefer an alimony buy-out.

He says the two of you were living rather modestly.

I don't think the numbers should be too bad, probably something like...

200,000.

-I don't have that kind of money!

-Unfortunately you do.

The house...

-Its value went through the roof since you bought it.

-Oh.

And renovated it with my mother's money.

It's all community property now.

(SNIFFS) Mm.

So he gets...

half the house...and alimony.

There's leeway in the numbers. We'll make the all the arguments we can,

-but there's a bargaining chip. He wants the house.

-To live there?

Yeah.

And if you let him have it, you could end up with a lot of money.

I understand he wants it pretty badly.

Oh. Er... Sorry, this is so surreal!

How... How would he even find the money to buy me out of my house?

Oh!

Oh.

-Well...

-Apparently she likes the place.

It's near the right schools.

Schools?

She's...?

You're g... You're going to get over this. You will, Frances.

-Some day you're going to be happy again.

-Mmm.

Mmm.

Right.

-And your desk?

-The desk goes.

No. The desk can stay.

-The couch?

-Yes, please.

Vamos con la sofa, por favor. Y de prisa.

Wait a minute. Er, no. The sofas can stay.

Esperense, por favor.

-How about the chairs?

-They stay, too.

Actually, everything's going to stay except, er...

..those boxes over there, those three boxes with the books in them...

-..if you don't mind.

-You sure?

-Yeah.

-The bedroom?

No.

-The kitchen?

-No.

Levantense los cartones, por favor.

So then...we're done?

We're done.

You getting a divorce?

It shows?

In furnished short-term apartments, that's all we get.

Your neighbour in 2B, he's an attorney.

His divorce has been dragging on for three years.

Nice guy! Gives free legal advice to the other tenants.

< (SOBBING)

If his crying gets on your nerves, just bang on the wall. He'll stop.

'Sorry!'

Guy upstairs is a doctor. He hands out the sleeping pills.

-What do you do?

-I'm a writer.

So you can help the others with their suicide notes.

Ah, you're one of those funny landlords.

Not really. I...

Well, here's your keys.

Have a good stay.

Thanks.

(SIREN WAILS / TRAFFIC RUMBLES)

Home.

Ta-dah!

You start a marriage with cake. You should finish it that way, too!

The beginning and the end should be fun.

-Too bad about those pesky years in the middle.

-Sorry!

-Things got crazy at the hospital.

-Hi.

-Made it in time for a toast.

Bravo!

-Freedom.

-To freedom.

-Thanks.

You're not drinking.

-You're not drinking!

-Fifth time's a charm!

-Oh, my God!

Patti! When are you due?

-May.

-May! Oh, my God!

I'm going to be an auntie! (APPLAUSE) I'm going to be an auntie!

-It changes our plans a bit.

-Well, of course.

We were about to take a ten-day tour to Tuscany,

-but I don't want Patti flying in her first trimester.

-Small sacrifice.

So we decided to change our coach tickets into an upgraded ticket...

-for you.

-(LAUGHS)

Oh...

this is amazing.

Really generous. Thank you.

-No.

-How can you say no to Tuscany?

No. Like that.

-That's your depression speaking.

-Well, it doesn't speak Italian.

Speaks a little high-school French. Besides, I'm not depressed.

-Then, why live with those losers?

-Be nice. Those are my people.

-That's not a place you live.

-Guys, come on.

Thank you so much.

There is no way that I can go on a romantic trip to Tuscany right now.

-I'm not ready to meet anyone.

-Oh, you won't, we assure you.

-Oh?

-It's a gay tour of romantic Tuscany.

-Oh!

So it will be relaxing for you. It'll be mostly couples,

no-one will hit on you or check you out...

You can just listen to your own inner voice.

My inner voice? My inner voice that would be saying...

"What the fuck am I doing on a gay tour of Tuscany?"

Frances, it's Italy! It-a-ly!

Plus you could use it as a time to start writing.

Mm. Well, I'm busy.

-I have to review all those books.

-Instead of working on your own.

Wow.

A-Are you being mean, or just hormonal?

-(PAGER BUZZES)

-OK. Don't kill each other till I get back.

(SIGHS)

Can we please just talk about the baby?

-I think you're in danger.

-Of?

Of never recovering.

You know when you come across... one of those empty-shell people,

and you think, "What the hell happened to you?"

Well, there came a time in each one of those lives

-where they were standing at a crossroads.

-Crossroads?

God, that is so Oprah!

Where they had to decide to turn left or right.

-This is not a time to be a chickenshit!

-I'm not!

-I'm not.

-Promise me you'll think about it.

I'll think about it,

OK?

I got a feeling about you.

-You looking for a place to stay?

-Yeah.

-You getting a divorce?

-What?!

-We got short-term apartments,

but don't worry, some people stay for years. We got a writer,

a doctor - he could help you out...

< (SOBBING)

-HEY!

-'Sorry!'

OK!

-'You want to come over?'

-NO!

Maybe later.

'(MOANS DISTRAUGHTLY / SOBS)'

Maybe later...

-'Hello?'

-Patti...when do I leave?

Hi, everybody. I'm David. This is your driver Eduardo, and you...

-are gay and away!

-(ALL CHEER / WHOOP DELIGHTEDLY)

And welcome to your first day of a romantic tour of Tuscany.

I saw most of you hob-nobbing on the plane,

but I want to make extra sure that you've all met Frances.

-(ALL CHATTER)

-Now, Frances is straight,

and she just survived a terrible divorce.

Her friend Patti says she really needs our support, so, Frances...

why don't you stand up and let everyone say hello?

(ALL) Ah, come on! No...

-Hi!

-Screw the bastard! Have some fun!

(ALL CHEER)

OK, everyone! Follow the flower!

Ugh! God, I cannot believe it's raining!

OK, everyone! We're here! Yeah!

-OK!

-Oof! Sorry.

'You're empty! Anyone want more?

'Whoo! Anyone want more wine?'

-A little more vino?

-(ALL CHATTER)

-Frances, you want more?

-Mm-hm.

You got to loosen up, honey!

Quanta costa, per favore?

(ALL CHATTER)

-Buongiorno.

-Uno bunch, er...

-(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

-Si.

(DUCKLINGS PEEP)

-Sara tre mila.

-What?

-Tre mila.

-Tre mila!

(DUCKING PEEPS)

Pretty awesome, isn't it?

Yes, I think you could say that. Pretty awesome.

How am I going to get through these?

How do you begin to describe all this?

Well, if you have a pen, I could write it for you.

-Are you a good writer?

-I used to be.

All right! Well, have a go.

-Er, to my mom.

-"Dear Mom"...

'Dear Mom,

'it's market day in Cortona. The piazza is an ongoing party,

'and everyone is invited.

'Cliches converge at this navel of the world. You almost want to laugh,

'but you can't help feeling that these Italians know more about having fun

'than we do. I eat a hot grape from the market,

'and the violet sweetness breaks open in my mouth.

'It even smells purple. I wish I could stay,

'but the bell of the campanile reminds me of time. "Ding, ding, dong,"

'the bell says instead of "Ding-dong". Wish you were here.' Love...?

Er, Rodney.

Thanks.

"It even smells purple"? She'll never believe I wrote this!

Keep it. "Ding, dang, dong goes the bell"!

I'm sorry!

Bramasole...

"Bramma-solay"! From "bramare" - "to yearn for",

and "sole" - "the sun". It's a nice little villa,

rather run down, but redeemable. Are you going to buy it?

(LAUGHS) No! No, no, no. I'm... I'm just a tourist. Here for today.

-So?

-Well, who wouldn't want to buy a villa in Tuscany?

But, er, the way my life's been going...

-..it'd be a terrible idea.

-Terrible idea.

Mmm.

And she does love those!

(SHEPHERDS SHOUT IN ITALIAN)

-Sorry, everybody! Unscheduled stop.

-Sheep.

Stop the bus!

Stop the bus! (BRAKES HISS)

(KNOCKS) Hello?

Hello?

Shit.

(GASPS)

Oh, excuse me! Oh, I'm sorry! Scusilo!

-Can I help you, signora?

-Yes. I thought the house was for sale.

-I didn't make an appointment.

-The house is for sale.

Unfortunately somebody's already buying it.

We like it very much and will buy today.

Very good. Er, one moment, please.

Excuse me.

Hello. (SPEAKS ITALIAN)

(BELL TOLLS MUSICALLY) I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

I'm afraid the price has changed.

It is now 20 million lire more expensive.

It got more valuable in the last five minutes?!

The contessa feels she has asked too little since you agreed to buy.

-That is absurd!

-Excuse me?

Er, what is...the price?

Are you bidding against us?

-Er... Wait. We accept the new price.

-No!

The contessa says that, er...

since there is so much interest in the house,

the price is now double... since the last ten seconds.

You greedy Americans. You think you're so entitled!

-You ruin everything.

-A lot of us feel really badly about that.

(IN GERMAN)

-Is it really double the price?

-(TRANSLATES)

I can't pay double the price.

But...

please tell the contessa that...

this is what I got for my house recently, in dollars...

(TRANSLATES)

..minus the work on the place...

Er...

Hammers, buckets...

..men... (chocolate)...

..and a rental car to drive off a cliff

when this turns out to have been a terrible mistake.

-That's what I can pay.

-Signora...

-..you have not even seen the house.

-Oh!

Well...

Well, I, er...

..I...I can't go back to San Francisco.

Er... no.

-No.

-I'm sorry, signora.

The contessa's family have lived here for generations, so...

understandably it is very difficult for her to sell.

Money is not the only issue. She needs...

Un segno di Dio! Un segno!

A sign. I understand. I believe in signs, too.

-Well, thank you. Thank you.

-Prego.

-Oh!

-Oh...

-(LAUGHS RUEFULLY)

-Please...

-Il segno di Dio! Il segno, il segno!

-What's she saying?

-(CHATTERS EXCITEDLY)

-In Italy, what happened just now is a very good sign.

-It is?

'Open an account and we'll transfer the money.'

-Here is the legal description of the land. Two oxen, two days.

-Sorry?

It's old-fashioned. The land is measured by how long it would take

-two oxen to plough it.

-Oh. Oh, that makes sense.

Just like that? Before the money's been transferred?

It's a house. What are you going to do? Steal it?

Besides... Signor Martini likes you.

OK! We'll take care of the rest later. Normale.

-Normale?

-Normale.

-Normale.

'I have bought a house in a foreign country,

'a house and the land it takes two oxen two days to plough.

'Not having a plough or an ox, I'll have to take their word on that.

'Buyer's remorse is a common affliction among new homeowners.

'Just because you have an acid stomach and an urge to weep

'doesn't mean you've made a mistake. Old houses have their quirks...

'..especially 300-year-old houses.

'I have inherited 10,000 empty wine bottles,

'one grape,

'every issue of La Nazione printed in 1958,

'and assorted previous tenants.'

(SQUELCH!) Ugh! (SHRIEKS)

(SCREAMS)

(CHILD WAILS)

'The trick to overcoming buyer's remorse is to have a plan.

'Take one room and make it yours.

'Go slowly through the house. Be polite. Introduce yourself,

'so it can introduce itself to you.'

You did what?! Frances bought a house in Tuscany!

-And you're going to live there alone?!

-I'm not alone. I'm with bugs.

-'Ew!'

-How's the belly?

-It's, it's growing.

-I can't believe you did this!

-(LAUGHS)

-'Did you already sign?'

Yes!

-Why?

-'Er...'

-You think I shouldn't have?

-'Are you saying I made a mistake?'

-I dunno. Did you?

I dunno! You're the one who made the empty-shell-person speech!

Oh, yeah. That was me. O-OK!

Wow! So you bought a villa in Tuscany!

-'What's the place like?'

-It needs some work.

-Well, who's going to do it?

-'I am.'

-You?!

-'I never realised you were handy.'

-I can do things!

-'I fixed that drain.'

-In your kitchen? No, that was me.

-I handed you the rubber thingy.

-The plunger? That was Tom!

I can't believe it. Why... Why did you say his name?

I'm sorry. I-I forgot. I'm sorry.

I can make this work. I'm not going to do all the work myself.

I'm in Italy. I can hire the muscular descendants of Roman gods

-to do the heavy lifting.

-'Just supervise. Tell them what to do.'

-So have you met him yet?

-'Er...who?'

-The guy you're going to meet.

-Patti, please.

You know what? It's starting to rain here a little bit,

-so I think I have to go.

-'Wait. Fran...'

-Kiss the belly for me, OK?

-Fran!

-'Bye-bye.'

-(DIALLING TONE)

-Can you star-69 Italy?

-No.

-I'm going to try.

-Hello?

-(THUNDER BOOMS)

(PANTS) OK...

One one thousand, two... (THUNDER ROARS) Jesus!

(SINGS TUNE FROM 1812 OVERTURE WITH DESPERATE CHEERINESS)

Stop it! (SCREECHING)

Oh, my God... Oh, my God!

You're going to be OK. You're safe here.

Just don't fly around, OK? You'll freak me out.

(THUNDER ROARS) (SOBS) (OWL SCREECHES)

Oh, God...

(BIRDS SING)

-Signora?

-(GENTLE KNOCKING)

Signora Mayes?

Buongiorno.

-I see you have survived the storm.

-I'm alive...

but the, er... the washing machine is dead.

Yes. It is electrocuted.

I am happy to see that you are not.

You, er...you came to check on me?

You're meeting the contractors today and I came to help you.

-One of them is already here.

-Here?

Downstairs.

Oh...

He's here.

I was hoping to take this wall down

-and turn these two small rooms into one big room.

-Oh, wonderful.

You should have been an architect. You have excellent taste.

So do you think it can be done?

Heating pipes, a week. The bathrooms, three days.

Signora, give me the keys of this place

and in a month I will give you back the keys to your palace.

Just, er...

just leave it to me.

(SIGHS / BEGINS TO RANT IN ITALIAN)

Oh, boom! Boom! Boom!

Oh! Andiamo!

(THUMP!)

-(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

-He says he fixed it himself many years ago.

Really?

Want to see the rest of the house?

OK! Yes!

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

-He suggests he rebuild the wall.

-(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

It is important for the structure of the garden.

-(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

-He has a team of experts.

(WHISTLES)

-Buongiorno.

-Hallo, miss.

We are not Italian. We are from Polonia.

-Poland? Oh. Do you all speak English?

-Only me, and only a little.

-I am Pawel!

-Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.

-Buongiorno.

-Jerzy.

Hello.

Zbignew.

Zbignew...

Frances.

-What do you think of Nino?

-I know his mother.

If he does a bad job, it's...

Well, then...

OK! Yes!

OK, yes? Yes? Yes.

OK. Yes!

(LAUGHS) See, Frances? No problem!

(RUMBLING)

Nino?! Oh, God!

(ALL YELL IN TERROR)

(CRASHING)

(RUMBLING)

(RUMBLING SLOWLY FADES TO SILENCE)

(TOTAL SILENCE)

(RUMBLING / CRASHING / METALLIC CLANG OF BELLS FALLING)

(COUGHS)

OK! Yes!

(ALL BEGIN TO LAUGH)

Kurva mach!

'Kurva mach means "holy shit" in Polish. I learned that that day.

'The fact that I'm trying to speak Polish in Italy

'is just one of the many surprises around here.'

-Is he a licensed electrician?

-No, a licensed literatura professor.

Czeslaw Milosz.

I like him... Czeslaw Milosz.

'It is only natural that getting to know people should take some time.

'Every day I watch for the old man with the flowers...

'..and I wonder,

'was he born here?'

'Did he love someone here? Did he lose someone here?

'He doesn't seem as curious about me, but that's all right.

'These days I'm something of a loner myself.

'I'm pretty good at staying entertained!

'I like to hang out at a little bar

'conveniently located in my back yard.

'Fortunately there are some things here you just can't do alone.

'My neighbour Placido is teaching me about olives.'

Today is OK, but never pick when is wet, huh?

These look good.

-Ugh! Oh, my God...

-Papa!

-Si?

OK.

(BOTH CHATTER IN ITALIAN)

-Cara?

-Si?

OK.

Ciao!

-(GASPS)

-Oops!

Si... Grazie.

Francesca, are you busy tonight?

-No.

-Then, come to dinner. It's unhealthy to eat alone.

(ALL CHATTER IN ITALIAN / LAUGH)

(SOBS)

-Is she OK?

-She's fine.

Are we celebrating something in particular tonight?

Gratitude to the saints for saving us from droughts,

-mad dogs and glandular disorders.

-(ALL LAUGH)

-Katherine! Your hat...

-You like it?

I suppose it wasn't such a terrible idea after all, buying a villa.

Are you up there all alone? No lord and master, no consort?

No. Do you have one?

One?! Hah!

-(SOBS)

-(SIGHS)

I told you this would happen. Remember?

Don't blame me. I told him not to get her that computer.

She got an e-mail lover, you see? From Ecuador!

Finally she had to tell him her age.

I'm so sorry.

(CHUCKLES)

-Amore!

-Si.

-Terribile, huh?

-Si.

-(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

-Hmm?

(SPEAKS ITALIAN) ..celibe?

Celib... Celibate?

Celibate?! No! (LAUGHS)

No. I mean... (LAUGHS)

Well, er...actually, I have to admit it has been a while.

Celibe in Italian means single. He's not asking when you last had sex.

-He's asking whether or not you're married.

-(Oh... Thank you.)

-(CLEARS THROAT) No.

-Ah!

-I'm not.

He is.

Oh, my God.

-I feel like such an idiot.

-Don't. Flirting's a ritual in Italy.

Just enjoy it. Taste this! It's gorgeous.

Mmm!

-(LAUGHS) How do you do it?

-Do what?

This.

Well...

hats make me happy. And ice cream.

Ice cream changed my fate.

It was because of ice cream that my beloved FeFe discovered me!

-FeFe?

-Il maestro!

-Who?

-Federico, darling!

Fellini?!

He discovered me in the Piazza Navona with my parents,

eating an ice cream. I was gobbling it down,

because I was very hungry. "Do you like ice cream?" he asked me.

I didn't know who he was! I was 16.

"You are my imagination come to life," he told me.

He wasn't just a great director. He gave great advice.

I'm listening!

FeFe said, "You have to live spherically,

"in many directions. Never lose your childish enthusiasm,

"and things will come your way."

'So now I was getting posthumous advice from il maestro.

'I tried to follow it by pulling ivy,

'spherically and with childish enthusiasm.'

(Oh, my God...)

Niente. Not in here.

Would you look under the bed?

Would you look under the pillow?

(GASPS) No, it was a joke!

Maybe he moved out already. Snakes are famous for changing their minds.

What am I doing all by myself?

Don't you think it's strange... me in this big house?

Excuse me.

I'm sorry!

You are cold.

Thank you.

Do you know what the most surprising thing about divorce is?

It doesn't actually kill you,

like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck...

It should.

When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part

says, "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly.

You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after something like that,

trying to understand how in the world you didn't know.

The light just never went on, you know? I must have known,

of course, but I was too scared to see the truth.

And fear just makes you so stupid.

No, it's not stupid, Signora Mayes.

L'amore e cieco.

"Love is blind"? Yeah, we have that saying, too.

Everybody has that saying because is true everywhere.

I don't want to be blind anymore.

This house has three bedrooms.

What if there's never anyone to sleep in them?

And the kitchen... What if there's never anyone to cook for?

I do, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking, "You idiot!

"You're the stupidest woman in the world!

"You bought a house for a life you don't even have."

Why did you do it, then?

Because I'm sick of being afraid all the time. I still want things.

I...want...a wedding in this house.

I want a family in this house.

Signora,

between Austria and Italy there is a section of the Alps

called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep,

high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps

to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks

before there was a train in existence that could make the trip.

They built it because they knew some day...the train would come.

I think your snake has gone for the evening.

Yes. I think you're right.

Senora...

..please, don't be so sad.

If you continue like this I'll be forced to make love to you,

and I've never been unfaithful to my wife.

(BOTH LAUGH)

-Buona notte, Signora.

-Buona notte, Signor Martini,

e grazie tanto.

Prego.

'The train track through the Alps before there was a train...

'Signor Martini wants me to have faith, which I've never been good at,

'and I'm even worse since last year. Not that I don't want faith -

'I'm jealous of the believers - but as a fallen-away Methodist,

'I do not expect to emerge from all this a Catholic,

'although some interior juggling is going on. To my surprise,

'I've become friendly with Mary since she stood by me through the storm,

'knowing I'm not a Catholic.

'Yet somehow she seems more like my favourite aunt than Santa Maria.

'Aunt Mary is everywhere here, her calm presence assuring us

'that all things will go on as they have before.'

(CHILDREN SING "O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL" IN ITALIAN)

-(LAUGHS)

-Buon natale.

-Buon natale!

This is my wife Lara, my son... my daughter, Stella.

Stella... Buon natale.

-A beautiful family. Wow!

-I thought I might see you. I have a small gift for you.

Oh!

It is San Lorenzo, the patron saint of cooks.

He was martyred on a grill and seared until he said,

-"Turn me over. I'm done on this side."

-No!

-Now he is the favourite saint of chefs.

-Oh...!

I think if you pray to him, he will help you find someone to cook for.

Thank you, Signor Martini.

-Merry Christmas, Signora Mayes.

-Buon natale.

Andiamo.

'My prayers to San Lorenzo were quickly answered.

'I realised I had already had someone to cook for...

'plenty of someones!'

(LIVELY ITALIAN-STYLE INCIDENTAL MUSIC)

(DIALOGUE UNDER INCIDENTAL MUSIC)

(UNDER INCIDENTAL MUSIC)

-Bravo!

-Ohhh!

-Bravo! Bravo!

-(SHRIEKS)

(CONJUGATES ITALIAN VERB)

-Good!

-See, Frances? Italian is easy!

(DIALOGUE DUBBED INTO ITALIAN)

(ALL LAUGH)

(Have you talked to her yet?)

Si. I have talked to her.

Why don't you go sit next to her? Go on!

(DIALOGUE AND MUSIC CONTINUE NOISILY)

(KIDS LAUGH / CHATTER / SHOUT)

Katherine?

Francesca! Come up! I'm having my portrait painted.

-Katherine?

-Come through. I'm in here.

Oh...

-I think I'll come back another time.

-Why? You don't bother me.

Frances...this is Zeus.

He's an art student from Macedonia.

He's staying with me to study the Tuscan light. More vino, darling.

He's not bad.

He's not good, either. (CHUCKLES)

Look, I'm going to go... but I'll come back. Another time.

Ohhh, you're so BORING!

-What?

-I said you're boring!

Look at you! You're sad...

again!

You're like a big...black...hole!

-Excuse me, but I...

-FeFe always said,

"Regrets are a waste of time."

They're the past crippling you in the present.

I just got here. I just walked in the door.

How are you ever going to be happy if you keep wallowing?

Listen.

When I was a little girl, I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs.

Finally I'd just give up and fall asleep in the grass.

When I woke up, they were crawling all over me.

So?!

So go work on your house... and forget about it!

I said go!

I'm going!

'Work on house and forget about it.

'Gee, why hadn't I thought of that(?)

'There comes a time in every remodeller's life

'when one just doesn't want any more helpful advice.

'You don't want shaky guys staring at you

'thinking God knows what, whispering things in Polish

'you're really glad you don't understand.'

'(MIMICS HIS FERVID WHISPERING)'

'There's only so much of that you can take

'before you really just have to get out.'

(ALL COMMENT ADMIRINGLY IN ITALIAN)

-Signorina!

-(LAUGHS)

-Mmm...

Bella, bella...

Hilarious(!)

Bye!

(ALL CHATTER IN ITALIAN)

(ALL CHATTER)

-English?!

-Irish?!

There you are. I've been looking for you.

You said you were going to meet me. I've been looking for you for 20 minutes.

-Who are you?

-I'm sorry. Excuse. Thank you.

Wait, you just kissed me and now you are going?

Yes. I'm sorry.

OK.

(CHUCKLES)

(WHISTLES)

-You are too late.

-I'm sorry.

I've already found somebody else.

My loss.

I was wondering if you'd help me.

I'm trying to find an antique store that sells replacement parts

-for a chandelier.

-Chandelier?

-Vetria.

-Vetreria.

-Vetreria!

-OK.

-Yes. Via de la Casanova.

-Si, Via de la Casanova. Si.

-You know it?

-No.

-Oh.

-I know where there is another store.

-My cousin owns one.

-He owns a vetreria?

-Yes. Antiques.

-Is it far?

About three hours. Two if I drive fast.

Two hours?

OK, one

if I drive really, really, really fast.

That's, er, very nice,

but thank you, no.

I know,

you think, maybe, I'm just trying to pull you up.

Pull me up?

Pick me up. Pick me up.

Yes, there is that chance.

But you are the one who grabbed me and pretend I'm your husband.

You are probably one of those crazy American women

and maybe you are going to kung fu me in the head and steal my car,

but I'm willing to take the chance.

You're willing?

What is your name?

-Marcello.

-Of course it is.

-(WHEELS SCREECH)

-(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

-Do traffic lights mean anything here?

-Sure.

-Green light - avanti.

-Avanti.

-Yellow light - decoration.

-And what about red lights?

Just a suggestion.

-He says he doesn't have it.

-Why am I not surprised?

-This is your bar.

-We are a family.

I work here and I sleep there.

Above my cousin's antique store.

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

-Did you ever taste this?

-What is it?

-It's limoncello.

-We make this.

-You made it?

-Yes.

We take the lemon and we, er, take off the skin of the lemon.

We put in the bottle

with three quarter of alcohol and one quarter of sugar.

And, erm...

..and you put the skin of the lemon

in the bottle and you leave it

until it's the right colour.

And, erm...

..I forget the rest.

But just try it.

-Do you like it?

-I like it.

-My nephew.

-Yes.

(SQUEAKING) >

Hello.

Well, hello.

(KITTEN SQUEAKS) Hello.

Oh.

Ciao.

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

What?

-He says, "Take me home with you."

-Oh, he does, does he?

Ciao. Ciao.

I run into you in the street in Rome

and now we're here.

Didn't you have some plans today?

So what?

If you smash in to something good,

you...should hold on

until it's time to let go.

And now's not the time.

Not in my opinion. No.

You have beautiful eyes, Francesca.

I wish I could swim inside them.

(LAUGHS)

-What?

-No, it's just...

That's exactly what American women think Italian men say,

I guess.

Thank you.

Marcello, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry,

I'm really nervous, you know?

I was married for a long time

and since then there hasn't been anybody.

Would you like to help me change that?

You are asking me to sleep with you?

Yes.

That is the kind of thing Italian men think American women say.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

You honour me with your offer.

Francesca.

Yes?

I'm going to make love all over you.

OK.

(MARCELLO SINGS IN ITALIAN)

(CONTINUES TO SING)

Mamma mia.

(BOTH SPEAK ITALIAN)

What do you call this?

-La gola.

-La gola.

-Uh-huh.

And this?

Il capezzolo.

-Il capezzolo.

-Uh-huh.

And this?

Esausto.

-Exhausted?

-Exhausted.

At least for the next five minutes.

OK.

Me too.

-It's terrible that you bought a villa in Cortona.

-Why?

Because it's not in Positano... and I am.

You have to promise to come back here.

Promise me.

When?

Can you come this weekend?

I think so.

-You think so?

-Hmmm.

You think so?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Thank you! Thank you!

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! Whoo!

I've still got it. I've still got it. I've still got it.

Thank God.

Yeah.

Buongiorno.

Buongiorno.

-Do I still look sad to you?

-No.

Ladybugs, Katherine. Lots and lots of ladybugs.

Lovely. When do you see him again?

Tomorrow.

Wha... Wha...

Oh.

I would've told you I was coming,

but you would've talked me out of flying.

-Look at you!

-Goddamn it, Frances.

-Wha...

-I gotta go pee!

You must be so exhausted.

See this?

Tell me there's a baby in there.

Uh-huh.

Little baby

in there...right now.

I'm with you.

Oh, Jesus.

So what's it like having one of these in Cortona?

I hear the town midwife's pretty good.

She puts a knife under the bed... to cut the pain.

Florence is an hour away.

You'll be delivering this baby in a hospital gown designed by Armani.

She ran out on me.

She said she realised

she didn't want to be a mother after all.

(SOBS) Oh, Jesus, Frances.

How do you do it?

How do you breathe again?

(PANTS)

(LAUGHS)

Pretty soon.

God, I missed you.

Marcello.

I really think I'd better stay here.

I'm sorry. How about next weekend?

OK, how about the one after that?

No, of course I understand.

I won't forget you.

I think a lot about you, too.

OK. Well, until then.

Bye.

There's something strange about these trees. It's like they know.

And they know that we know that they know.

They're creepy. Creepy Italian trees.

The baby's going to be a creepy Italian baby

that goes around saying, "Ciao, Mamma,"

and doing that backward hand wave thing.

Life is strange.

Where were you going when I arrived?

-Nowhere important.

-What's he like?

He's a creepy Italian.

-Then go see him.

-I will.

I want to spend time with my creepy American friend.

-I refuse to screw up your love life.

-Don't be ridiculous, Patti,

you are my love life.

(WATER DRIPS)

­ Frances, could you come up here, please?

There's hot water in the toilet bowl.

Oh, my God. It's close to boiling.

They must have crossed a pipe somewhere.

Oh, God, this is really bad, isn't it?

It's not good, unless you want to give your ass a facial.

That's a contradiction in terms.

I guess it'd be more of an ass-cial.

< (LADY CHUCKLES)

-Oh.

-(GASPS)

Let's go. Let's go.

-I'm sorry, Frances!

-Sorry?

We have nowhere else to go to be together.

What does that make me, Saint Francesca,

patron saint of horny teenagers? You were doing it in my bed.

-I don't even do it in my bed!

-My father don't let us see each other

because he is not Italian.

Maybe it's because you're young and shouldn't be...

-It's because I'm Polish.

-It will be terrible if we are not together.

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

Assassinate? Did she say that you were going to assassinate somebody?

No, she misunderstand.

I didn't say...

Amore, I didn't say assassino.

I said I'm going to ask Nino

for money

to help us get married.

Ask Nino.

-I didn't understand.

-Married?

-You barely understand what the other is saying.

-We are in love

-and I go with him this weekend.

-To the flag-throwing festival.

-I am going to throw the flag.

-Throw the flag? Why?

Because I can do it as good as any Italian man,

-that's why, and her father will see.

-Francesca. >

-Francesca. >

-My father.

-Francesca. >

-Hi.

My daughter says you are taking her to the festa in Montepulciano.

-This is true?

-Just a moment, please.

I told him you are taking me there so he will stay home.

-I don't want to lie to your father.

-Oh, come on, Frances, who cares?

Frances...

..if I am not with her, I will die of a broken heart.

You won't die.

(TRADITIONAL FANFARE)

There he is!

-These are straight men!

-In tights.

-Twirling flags.

-Fantastic.

-Yeah.

This is it.

He is fantastic.

Fantastico!

(ALL CHEER)

Yeah!

Yeah, bravo!

Pawel, I love you!

(CROWD GASP)

Pawel! Scusa. Pawel!

Easy. Easy.

Scusa.

-I throw the flag.

-Si, amore.

They're fine.

Let's go.

'What is it about love that makes us so stupid?

'Take the old man with the flowers,

'same deal, every day, I mean, enough already.

'Why can't he just let it go and get over it?'

Francesca, you have seen my daughter, she seems so different.

-Really?!

-Chiara is not herself.

-Oh.

-Maybe, do you know what's bothering her?

-I don't know.

-Oh.

Hey, Frances, look. You can see Bramasole from here.

See.

Thank you.

(GASPS) It's Marcello!

Oh, my God.

Wait a minute. What?

What's he doing? Don't go.

Where are you going? What are you...? Patti.

Marcello! Marcello!

Marcello!

Marcello!

Ah!

Wait!

Marcello!

He tried you on your cell,

-but you were in a deadzone.

-I cannot believe that you let him leave.

-He said he couldn't wait.

-Couldn't wait?

-Why couldn't he wait?

-He was nearby and thought he'd take a shot.

He was very disappointed, OK?

-You've got a snail in your ear.

-Good.

-Really?

-No, get it out.

-He left you a note.

-Keep still.

-He's going north...

for a couple of weeks!

My God, he had a dream about me in a white dress.

-A white dress? Holy shit!

-Damn it, why didn't you make him wait?!

Come on, you're a tough dyke, you could've tied him to a chair,

crippled him, you could've faked labour at least!

I wouldn't have had to fake it.

Ten fingers,

ten toes.

I commend you on a classic choice.

-What's her name, Mom?

-Alexandra.

Alexandra.

'In Italian the literal translation of to give birth,

'dare alla luce, is, "to give to the light."'

Alexandra.

Welcome to the light.

Yes.

(TOYS SQUEAK)

You're so cute. You're so cute.

(WATER DRIPS)

Frances.

We are finished.

"Poland."

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Dziekuja.

Dziekuja.

Come back soon, I'll cook for you.

-Pawel, you, too?

-Chiara is waiting!

Patti, you want to come with me to town? We can bring the baby and...

< (KNOCK AT DOOR)

I have to buy a white dress.

Marcello!

Marcello!

Francesca. Wait there, I'm coming down.

Francesca.

Look how beautiful you are.

It's incredible to see you.

Every time we made plans it didn't happen,

-so I thought I'd just surprise you.

-I am surprised.

What-what brings you to Positano?

What brings me to Positano?

What brings me to Positano?

­ Marcello!

Well, I...

-I came at a bad time.

-Francesca, wait. Wait. Wait.

I'm sorry you're hurt, but what did you expect?

What did I expect?!

You came to Bramasole, you left that note,

-I thought that you...

-Just a minute.

Months ago we had a beautiful affair

and if you think I wanted more of you after that, you're right.

I did, of course.

You are a fantastic woman, Francesca,

but we were never able to come together again,

even though we tried and this sort of thing must come naturally.

I told you, there was my friend and she was going to have...

There were many other things...

..important things you had to do.

And you couldn't wait, right?

Don't worry, Francesca,

don't worry,

there's nothing to regret. Do you regret this?

No.

There is someone for you, Francesca.

Goodbye.

Francesca!

(CHURCH BELL RINGS)

What's going on here?

-(CROWD APPLAUD)

-She is Sylvia

in La Dolce Vita.

She's very good, actually.

-Is she drunk?

-I hope so.

You know, in La Dolce Vita,

he goes in and he gets her.

Mastroianni,

he goes in and he fishes her out.

(CROWD APPLAUD)

Kathy.

(Thank you.)

Do you think I make a good Sylvia?

You were wonderful.

(SIGHS)

I see Zeus has gone.

Back to Mount Olympus.

-I'm so sorry.

-Don't be.

I'm fine now.

There's nothing like a fountain and a magnum of French champagne

to put you right again.

Really?

What do you think?

You know who I really love the most

from all the films?

Cabiria.

You remember at the end

when another man has left her in the most terrible way

and she thinks it's all over for her.

And she sees some children playing in the street,

making music

and before she knows it...

..she's smiling again.

That's what FeFe always said,

"No matter what happens...

"..always keep your childish innocence.

"It's the most important thing."

You're back? What happened? How'd it go with Marcello?

-I don't want to talk about it.

-Chiara's here, she's upset.

She's in the garden talking with Pawel.

-But...

-I can't, I can't talk about it now.

Fran...

(BABY GURGLES) >

Stupid.

Stupid. Stupid!

Stupid! Stupid!

Stupid! Aaah!

What more can I do?!

(SOBBING) >

Papa.

-I want to ask your permission to marry your daughter.

-Che cosa?!

It's nice, but it's out of the question.

I have come here to ask your permission to marry your daughter.

I will love her for ever and I know I will make her happy.

-All young men say this.

-Sometimes it's true.

-Never.

-Never?

-What about you?

-Don't be ridiculous, I hate him half of the time.

Placido, don't you want Chiara to be happy in love?

Happy, happy. It is about a lot of things.

-It's not just about young passion.

-It doesn't last

and when it's over what you will have left is nothing.

He has nothing to offer you.

I have everything to offer her.

Everything.

Pawel,

let's go.

-Chiara!

-Wait.

Won't you give your blessing? What if this is it,

the real thing?

-A love that lasts for ever.

-What you describe is only in fairy tales.

-No, it's not.

-And how do you know, form personal experience?

No, I looked for it and I didn't find it,

but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

That's exactly what it means, no-one has had it.

Mamma.

Mamma, Mamma.

He has no family.

That's not true.

He has me.

I'm his family.

I am his family.

(CHURCH BELL RINGS)

(PRIEST SPEAKS ITALIAN)

(SAYS WEDDING VOWS IN ITALIAN)

(SAYS WEDDING VOWS IN ITALIAN)

-Il corpo de Cristo.

-Amen.

-Il corpo de Cristo.

-Amen.

-Il sangue de Cristo.

-Amen.

-Il sangue de Cristo.

-Amen.

(LAUGHTER / CHATTERING)

OK.

(APPLAUSE)

Mamma!

(ALL CHANT) Bacio!

(CHEERING)

What are you thinking?

-What do I think?

-Tell me.

I think you've got your wish.

My wish?

That day we looked for your snake

you said to me that you wanted there to be a wedding here.

Yeah.

Then you said you wanted there to be a family here.

You're right.

I got my wish.

I got everything that I asked for.

(SIGHS)

Scusa... (SPEAKS BROKEN ITALIAN)

You're looking for the American writer who lives here

and you found her.

If you don't mind, I'll just...

There. It was...crawling on you.

Ladybug.

Do I, erm...

Do I know you?

-Not really. You reviewed one of my books once.

-Did I like it?

Not very much.

-Oh, no!

-Don't worry, it was, er,

-by far the very best bad review I've ever received.

-You're kidding.

I'm not. It's, er, helped me get to my next book.

Anyway, I've been travelling around Tuscany.

Someone said that you lived up here and...

I'm Ed.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

I'm Frances.

Hi.

There's a wedding going on. This isn't your wedding...

I mean, that would be unfortunate.

'They say they built the train tracks over the Alps

'between Vienna and Venice before there was a train that could make the trip,

'but they built it anyway.

'They knew one day a train would come.

'Any arbitrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere,

'I would be different.

'What are four walls, anyway?

'They are what they contain, the house protects the dreamer.

'Unthinkably good things can happen,

'even late in the game.

'It's such a surprise.'

(WATER GUSHES)