Wah-Wah

This film contains some strong language.

(HORN HONKS)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(Ssh! Ssh!)

(GRUNTING / PANTING)

Ralph! >

-You've got three minutes.

-Coming!

Ralph!

Coming!

< Don't run.

Where's your father?

(SIGHS) Cat got your tongue? What's the matter with you?

Regina, no lunch, thank you.

-We're eating at Government House.

-Thank you, madam.

-You've scrubbed up well, Popeye.

-Don't call me that, Dad.

-Especially not in public.

-Of course I won't,... Popeye.

-Dad!

-Ask your father for the car keys.

They're in her handbag.

You might just make an effort, just this once.

I suppose that would be asking just a little too much, wouldn't it?

Take no notice. Let's go, Popeye.

(SPEAKS SWAZI)

(SPEAKS SWAZI)

(SPEAKS SWAZI)

(SPEAKS SWAZI)

(HONKS HORN)

-May I open my window, please?

-My hair will get ruined.

To our trusty

and well-beloved Harry Childs Compton

for 22 years of exemplary service for education

here in Swaziland.

This 10th day of June, 1969,

in the 18th year of our reign,

by the Sovereign's command, Elizabeth II!

-Well done, Dad!

-Thank you, Popeye.

-Well done, old bean.

-Thank you, Charles.

-Congratulations.

-Hear, hear!

-And welcome to the club.

-Thank you.

-You're looking ravishing, June.

-Oh, stop it! Really?

-Yes, you are.

-Oh, Gwennie, I didn't see you there!

-Oh, don't mind me.

-Huge congratulations, Harry.

-Thank you, Gwennie.

-I'm so proud of you.

-Congratulations, Harry.

You've got some bloody front, Traherne.

-You must be ever so proud -

-Bugger off!

(UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE)

-Er, would anybody... like a cigarette?

-Thank you, Gwennie.

(CHARLES) Is this some new game?

-(JUNE) Am I missing something? What's up?

-Why don't you ask him?

Nine months.

Nine months, no speaks. Go on, I dare you,

just once break your epic bloody sulk!

Answer me this. Where were you last night?

-Ow!

-We all left the club at the same time.

Another flat tyre?

Think he doesn't know?

(SIGHS)

Regina, you can remove all these silly cards now, thank you.

-(SPEAKS SWAZI)

-Yes, sir.

How dare you contradict me in front of a servant?

Ah, the Sphinx has spoken!

What's a gong, Dad?

-That stupid piece of metal they gave your father.

-Take no notice.

Ask your mother to pass the salt.

Why is Daddy's medal stupid?

Because all those idiots dressed up like bloody vanilla ice creams

think that it's a suitable reward

for enduring a lifetime of... boredom

out here in this... middle of bloody nowhere, that's why!

If anyone deserves a medal it's me.

-I need another drink.

-Oh, I bet you do!

You're pathetic.

-Pathetic! Always have been, always will be!

-Well, why is this house

stuffed to the gunnels with cards and telegrams?

Toadying arse-lickers, the lot of them! (CHUNTERS)

(CRICKETS SING)

(COCKEREL CROWS)

(SLIDING) (GRUNTING)

(Wake up, darling.)

-(Ralphie.)

-What?

(This is the hardest thing I've ever had to say

and there is no easy way to say this but, my darling,

-Mummy is leaving.)

-How do you mean?

(You won't have to go to school today.)

(It's just that I,... I,... I can't carry on any more like this.)

(But I love you very, very much, my angel.)

-Please don't go, I beg of you!

-(I must.)

-Then, take me with you.

-Please!

-(I can't.)

(I'll call.)

(CAR ENGINE STARTS) (GASPS)

Dad?!

(INHALES DEEPLY)

< Ralphie?

-When's she coming back?

-I don't know, Popeye.

A long time or a little time?

Maybe... a long time.

-Maybe never?

-Maybe.

-Doesn't she love me any more?

-Of course she does.

Then, how could she leave?

(SPEAKS SWAZI)

(SPEAKS SWAZI)

-(SPEAKS SWAZI)

-(SPEAKS SWAZI)

-(LAUGHS)

-(SPEAKS SWAZI) ..Mrs Compton?

-She's, er, very well, thank you.

This is Mr Compton. (SPEAKS SWAZI)

-(CHILDREN) Morning, sir.

-Good morning, class.

-You may sit down, thank you.

-(SPEAKS SWAZI)

-(CHILDREN GIGGLE)

-(SPEAKS SWAZI)

-(CHILDREN LAUGH)

-Alright, let's see.

Erm...?

-(BOY) Elbow.

-Very good.

-(GIRL) Finger.

-Excellent.

-A very difficult one. Yes?

-(BOY) Ears.

I'm begging you, begging you, Lauren, please.

Just give me a chance. Is that too much to bloody ask?

"It's over. I'm never coming back. Where's Ralph?"

He's right here. You ask her, Popeye.

-Are you there already?

-"Just got here, darling."

-When are you coming home?

-"Er, I can't, not for a while."

-But I'll eat all my vegetables.

-"I can't."

-I promise!

Please, Mummy,... I beg of you. Please.

"It'll be much better once you are at boarding school."

"I love you. I have to go. Bye-bye, Ralphie."

(BOTH CRY)

Thank you, Lord, for the love you give.

Thank you, Lord, for the life we live.

Please make my mummy come back again... and fix our broken family.

Amen.

(CRICKETS SING) (SMASHING)

(GASPS)

# "Goodnight Sweetheart" - Al Bowlly

Dad?

Dad!

Please, wake up!

Dad!

-Please don't be dead!

-(GRUNTS)

Don't worry, Dad. Don't worry. It'll be alright.

It'll be alright. It'll be alright, Dad.

It'll be alright.

(CHILDREN LAUGH)

-Good morning, class.

-(CHILDREN) Good morning, Mr Parker.

Stand up.

Yes, you two. Read it out loud and clear.

Chop, chop, Compton. We're all waiting.

Well, speak up. We haven't got all day.

-Wh,... where's your mum?

-Meaning?

-Nothing, sir.

-Clare?

-His mother's adulterated, sir.

-Bugger you!

-(CHILDREN LAUGH)

-Come back in here, young man! Be quiet!

Bugger you. No, bugger you.

-Bugger you both!

-< Ralphie?

-(GASPS)

Can I come in?

Oh, this is marvellous!

Absolutely marvellous. How did you make it?

-Just out of an old shoe box and lollipop sticks.

-It's very clever.

Show me how it works.

What happened at school today, Popeye?

I'm not cross, I just want to know, that's all.

-Well, Mummy ran away, too.

-That's different.

-She fell out of love with me.

-Why did she leave me?

One day you'll understand. When you're older.

-But you don't understand and you are older.

-(CHUCKLES)

That is very true, smarty-pants.

Hello?! >

-Cooee!

-Why does she have to come round all the time?

Auntie Gwen's very upset. Mummy went away with her husband

and we are going to be very nice to her, alright?

Cooee!

Is anybody in?!

(SHRIEKS)

Oh, you...! (LAUGHS)

You gave me the fright of my life, you two did!

Come here and give your Auntie Gwen a nice big kiss!

Mwah!

-Hello, Gwennie.

-Hello, Harry.

-Drink?

-Oh, bless you, my angel! I could murder something soft

with maybe just a teensie-weensie little squidge of whisky.

-How are you, Harry?

-You know, Gwennie, bearing up. Bearing up.

-And, erm, and you?

-Oh, don't ask!

Don't ask. I've cooked you boys a home-made curry!

Oh, you shouldn't have, really, Gwennie. You shouldn't have.

No, it's a pleasure.

Oh, thanks, angel. Just what the doctor ordered.

-Cheers.

-Cheers. This is not too stiff for you, is it?

-No.

-How's your sunstroke?

-I beg yours?

Mummy said you had sunstroke.

Yeah, she said it made you speak slurry and walk all wobbly.

-Is she back, then?

-Of course she isn't. He's just pulling your leg.

-No, relax, Gwen.

-Evening, chaps.

-Ah, June!

-Don't get up.

-Good to see you.

-Hello, Gwennie.

-Hello, June.

-I spy with my little eye someone who has beaten me to it.

-One of your curries?

-Yeah.

Ooooh! Family allergy to all things curried after India, I'm afraid.

Can't stomach the stuff!

Where's your husband?

-(SOBS)

-Not him, too?

-What, gone? I can't keep up.

-Yes, I'm afraid so, June.

-You poor thing. Have a hanky.

-Thank you.

Lauren's not back?

Phew! Well, at least I got that right.

Now, I've baked you chaps... a Dundee.

-Can't stay. Must trot.

-That is so sweet of you.

Ta-ta.

I'll kill that bitch!

-(NEIGHS LIKE HORSE)

-(ALL LAUGH)

(SLURS) Oh, Harry Compton!

I love you. I do, you know. I really do.

-I've come to say good night.

-Ralphie.

Well, come and give your Auntie Gwen a good-night...

-Are you alright, old girl?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-You're not my aunt.

-Steady on, Ralphie. What's gotten into you, old boy?

-Oh!

-Ralphie, come here! Ralphie!

-Oh!

-Leave me alone!

-I know this is hard, Popeye,

but... Gwen's on our side, remember?

-Only cos she's in love with you.

-(CHUCKLES) Don't be daft!

It's true! Mummy stole her husband and now she wants you!

It's obvious!

-And Auntie June is after you, too!

-(CHUCKLES) Nonsense!

-We're all just a little upset.

-Then, why are you laughing?

Because I... am not... going... to get... remarried.

-Your breath stinks!

-Enough backchat from you, young man. Go to sleep.

Mwah!

Good night.

-Morning!

-Oh, morning, Gwennie!

-Good morning, all.

-Forgotten all your manners?

Regina, could you bring an extra cup and plate? Thank you.

-Tea, Gwennie?

-Oh, lovely.

I'm sorry about last night. It was a touch of my sunstroke.

-What did I tell you?

-I slept on the couch, you know.

-Does madam eat the kipper?

-Oh,... yes.

-Might be better if I did go to boarding school!

-Done!

Ralphie, I didn't mean that, Popeye.

-You can't go, I'd be all alone.

-Doesn't look like it!

(TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS)

I won't ever let you down, Popeye.

I'll miss you so much.

-(TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS)

-Alright, go. Go on.

(APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE) '(TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS)'

(EXCITED CHATTER)

-Popeye!

-What happened?

I'm so sorry I'm late. I'm so sorry I'm late.

Flat tyre.

-How old are you?

-I can't remember.

-(LAUGHS) Neither can I.

-You look different.

-Yes, I've, er,... I've got remarried.

You've what?

-Who? Auntie Gwen?

-No, you daft fool.

She's American.

-How long have you known her?

-Six weeks.

-Fuck!

# "A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square" - Vera Lynn

# When two lovers meet in Mayfair

# So the legends tell

# Songbirds sing

-# Winter turns to spring... #

-(HONKS HORN)

-(SPEAKS SWAZI) You're a very big boy now.

-(SPEAKS SWAZI)

-Hi, Ralph, I'm Ruby. Hi, honey.

-Oh, yeah?

-And I'm Neil Armstrong(!)

-You are funny.

Oh, God, look at you! You are so handsome, too!

Fix me a drink, please, hun.

-How do you do?

-Just fabulously.

I have heard so much about you. I was worried about you guys.

-What happened, honey?

-Flat tyre.

-Really? Again? Oh, God!

You must be starving. First thing I'm gonna do

is feed you guys up a little. You eat pasta?

-What happened here?

-You like it?

-Here we go, darling.

-I just love it.

-Bottoms up.

-Isn't she just gorgeous?

-Excuse me, please.

-Go right ahead.

-(CLATTERING)

-Everything OK? I got a gift to welcome you home.

-You wanna open it?

-I'd rather not just yet, thanks.

Take your time. Oh, don't worry, this is weird for me, too!

And, please, don't call me Mom, just Ruby, OK? Or Rube. Whatever.

Alright, Popeye?

Puppets. Huh!

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Ralphie.

Listen, erm,...

..I'm sorry you've chosen to take it this way, Popeye.

I didn't have any choice, did I?

-But what was I supposed to have done?

-You could've warned me.

Ruby is wonderful, you'll see. Just give it time.

-(UNDER BREATH) You mean, like you did?

-What?

-Nothing.

-No, no, you said something. Spit it out.

-She's not my mum.

-True.

Yes, run!

-When's your mum coming down?

-What do you think? It's been two years.

-Bloody hell!

-Shush!

I say! The sort of people who go caravanning.

Can you imagine? Sleeping on four wheels by choice. I ask you!

-(MIMICS WOMAN) (I ask you!)

-Oh, very good.

Go get 'em, Harry!

Harry said I'd be bored stiff but I love it.

-Hey, hi!

-I beg your pardon?

-Granted.

-Lady Hardwick is the wife

of our resident High Commissioner, Sir Gifford.

-Good for you, girl!

-Lady Hardwick to you.

-And who might you be?

-Gwen Traherne.

My husb,... my ex-husband's the engineer.

We have met. Four times.

-Oh, I don't think so.

-Oh, c'mon, girls, relax! I'm an American.

How very hubbly-jubbly for you.

(BOTH MIMIC LADY HARDWICK) (Hubbly-jubbly.)

Excuse me.

-What's with her?

-That's our family done for.

-Bollocks!

-You watch.

What am I doing, Gwen?

-(There has been a to-do with Lady Riva.)

-(Oh, good God!)

-(Lady Riva's erupted.)

-(What?!)

-(Mm-hm.)

(WHISPERS)

-What did I tell you?

-You're kidding me?

-I'm being sent home. You guys want a ride?

-(BOTH) Yeah.

Toodle-pip!

Damn them! Damn them all!

-Go, Ruby!

-(ALL CHEER)

'Lady Riva's upset? What about poor Gwen?'

-She simply introduced me to the woman.

-She's not a woman,

-she's a lady.

-Not by my reckoning. What was Gwen's crime?

She spoke to Lady Hardwick first before waiting to be spoken to.

Oh, c'mon! I've been to college! I've flown around the globe!

You're telling me I have to hold my tongue

-till old Lady Doodah speaks to me? C'mon!

-For the sake of peace -

-The only peace I'll give that witch is a piece -

-Children present.

-She was rude.

-See, they were my witnesses.

Right, well... (Er, by the way, Harry, you know who will be here

-for the independence-handover brouhaha.)

-Who, who?

-Who is you know who?

-Hush-hush, I'm afraid.

-Toodle-pip, all.

-Toodle-pip, Charles.

Toodle-pip.

Toodle-pip? Toodle-pip and hush-hush?

Why do they all speak in this snooty, baby talk all the time?

Blah, blah this, ta-da that, hubbly-jubbly, hoity-toity,

toodle-oo, ding-dong.

Sounds like a load of old wah-wah.

-Wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wah, wah, wah!

-(BOYS LAUGH)

(BOTH) Wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah!

(JAZZY MUSIC)

(ALL) Ta-da!

-How very hubbly-jubbly.

-(ALL LAUGH)

-It's all just wah-wah to me.

-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

-(CLAPPING)

-She's alright, isn't she?

-Maybe,... maybe not.

-Happiest I've ever seen your old man.

-Maybe.

It still feels weird, though.

-Vernon, your mom wants you home.

-Oh, thanks, Mrs Compton.

-Call me Ruby.

-Alright. Cheers, Ruby. See you, mate.

-Glad you didn't throw those puppets away then, huh?

-I'm sorry.

No problem.

-Can you remember the first time you did it?

-Did what?

-Oh. I've stopped.

-Go on, I dare you. Just once.

C'mon!

-Agh!

-Agh!

-Agh!

-Agh!

-Agh!

(BOTH TOGETHER) Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!

I'd say they're all out now, wouldn't you?

(BOTH HUM)

-Here come the porcupines!

-(ALL CHEER)

I have had the most incredible idea, how we might gift

-the Swazi nation with a diddly- doozup swan song of our own.

-Ooh!

-Plain English, please!

-I propose we mount a farewell musical

-for Her Most Royal Highness.

-What do you have in mind?

-Camelot!

-(ALL CHEER)

-All those in favour say aye!

-(ALL) Aye!

-Can I be in it?

-Which Royal Highness?

I'm afraid that's still hush-hush, Gwennie. The good news is

Tobias has agreed to produce the show.

On condition we can find singers.

-Oh, Tobias, of course we can!

-Dozen sings like a dream.

(SPEAKS SWAZI)

I'm afraid it's for club members only.

-Great. Well, I'll propose him, then.

-Bravo! Hear, hear!

-I take it, then, I have your support?

-(ALL CHEER)

You want to mount a medieval musical for a minor British royal?

Aren't we supposed to be, er, celebrating African independence?

-It's a symbolic gesture.

-What do you think, Doctor Zim?

Excellent idea. A perfect antidote for Princess Margaret

before she endures a whole day of Swazi tribal dancing. (ALL GASP)

-Princess Margaret?

-Who told you it was Princess Margaret?

You did. (ALL LAUGH) (BELL RINGS)

< (MAID SHOUTS IN SWAZI)

The other Mrs Compton is here.

-Don't wish to intrude. Charles.

-Hello, Lauren.

-June.

Sorry I'm late, Ralph. Excuse me, please.

-Where's my husband?!

-Come on.

-Mum.

-Where's my husband?!

-What are you doing here?

-I've been in a meeting

with Shadler & Shadler trying to sort out my visiting rights!

-Where's my husband?!

-I thought you were coming next weekend.

-Is that what he told you? Damn liar!

-Answer me!

-Oh, shut up! Keep out of this!

-Where is he?!

-I've warned you!

-(BANGS ON ROOF)

-(SIGHS)

-I saw you, Mum.

-I beg your pardon?

-Two years ago with Uncle John.

-Answer me!

-That night in the car.

-Where's my husband?!

You're imagining things, darling.

-(SIGHS)

-I can explain!

(BEEPS HORN)

-Ralphie, are you alright?

-Hang on. Shadler & Shadler.

"Our client has experienced frustration and delay

and the deliberate placing of obstacles

in the way of exercising her rights of access to her child."

-Bastard! Bastard!

-I'm so sorry, my boy.

-Why did Lauren show up today?

-Don't you think for one moment

-that I don't understand...

-(DOOR BANGS OPEN)

Sorry I'm late.

-(SIGHS) So, what day is it today?

-It's Saturday, sweetie.

Then, it'll be the hen with its arse in the air.

-No, thanks, sweetie, I'm not hungry.

-Hey, honey, please.

Yeah, why do we always have chicken on Saturday and beef on -

-Regina can't read.

-So dolly-boy's mother here

taught her to do a different meal for each day of the week.

-Got it?

-Then, I'll teach her to read.

-The bloody hell you will!

-What's wrong with you, Dad?

-Nothing wrong with me.

-What is that supposed to mean?

Listen to yourself! Look at yourself! You're nothing

-but a bloody common ex-air hostess!

-Fuck you, Harry!

Sorry.

Ta-da!

Ah, quelle surprise, hen with its arse in the air(!)

-Sit down.

-You knew Mum was coming down to see me,

-so why didn't you bloody tell me?!

-Shut up!

-No, you shut up!

-Where do you think you're going?

Hey!

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up,

shut up, shut up, shut up,

shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up,

shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!

-What happened?

-Nothing.

-Well, what, then?

-Nothing. It doesn't matter.

-Where's Uncle John?

-Playing golf.

-So, what do you want to do today?

-Don't know.

-Maybe drop me off at the club later.

-Alright.

What's on?

Hello, mate. What are you doing 'ere?

-Don't ask.

-Here, have a gander at this lot.

They can't sing, can't dance, all of them too old.

-But we're not. Come on.

-No chance.

Come on. (WOMAN SINGS)

No, she won't do. We can't have a royal played by a commoner

-with no neck.

-At least she can sing.

-(Who's she?)

-(Monica, the Taj Mahal's daughter.)

-(How can she be? They look like different species!)

-(BOTH LAUGH)

Ssh! I say, do you mind?! We're trying to take notes!

-Which of you little buggers is gonna bleat for us first?

-Go on.

-Not the one in stripes.

-Go on, my boy.

Come on, Ralph, hurry up.

-Bunny will give you the intro.

-(BUNNY PLAYS PIANO)

# All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small

# All things wise and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all

# Each little flower that opens

# Each little bird that sings

# He made their glowing colours

# He made their tiny wings

# All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small

# All things wise and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all #

-Well done, Ralphie!

-Very good. Very good.

-I did my audition.

-Fabulous.

-Did you get the part?

-I have to wait and see.

Over my dead bloody body. Where's the key?

-Cat got your tongue?

-Haven't you had enough?

Stop trying to control me, woman. Where's the bloody key?

Please, Dad, I'm asking you really nicely.

-Give me the bloody key.

-Please, don't have any more.

-For God's sake.

-Get me some ice!

-Let's have an early night.

-Are you deaf?!

-Stop it, will you?!

-Stop it!

-Please, Dad, don't! Please don't! Dad! Dad!

I suppose you think this is all so bloody easy.

Well, wake up.

Just you wait until you lose everything.

And I mean everything - wife, position,

future, the whole damn kit and caboodle!

Come independence we're all on the scrapheap!

-So wake up!

-Spare us the martyrdom.

-You're drunk.

-I've had enough of you, you pompous little shit!

And forget about your fucking Camelot.

And you're a liar and a loser!

-I'll knock your bloody block off!

-Liar, liar, liar, liar!

Open this door! (BANGS ON DOOR) Open this bloody door!

Ralphie!

Open... this... door or else I'll knock your bloody block off!

Open this door! Open this bloody door!

Nothing that I said or... did last night...

..was the truth.

None of it.

Is that clear?

-That's what you always say, Dad.

-It'll be different this time.

-Is it because of me?

-No.

-Me?

-No.

Oh,... I must go. I'm,... I'm late for work.

Did you mean what you said about Camelot?

Of course not, no.

I can't deal with this.

I knew he drank but... doesn't everyone out here? (CRIES)

Not like him.

He gets really legless when no-one else is around except us.

# Onward Christian soldiers

# Marching as to war

(DR ZIM AND WOMAN) # With the cross of Jesus

# Going on before... #

Bravo!

-Charles! Charles!

-What is it?

(ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY)

-What?!

-(SILENCE)

-Who is this Dozen person?!

-Our gardener.

-What?!

-A, he's not a club member

-and, B, Lancelot is supposed to be French.

-French?

-This is an outrage. Tobias!

-A, Dozen is a club member as of today

and, B, he is the only man who can stay in tune.

You will not have the last word on this, that is my prerogative!

-Charles! Chop, chop!

-(CHUNTERS)

I can't believe I'm playing the queen and you're playing Mordred!

-Congratulations.

-You, too.

-Well done, Ralphie.

-(ALL LAUGH)

I think I'm in love, Vern!

-You haven't got a chance, matey!

-Watch me!

Yeah! Whoo!

-I got the part! I got the part!

-Fabulous! I knew you would!

-And Dozen's going to be Lancelot!

-Oh, my God!

-That'll teach the old bat!

-Too right!

-Who sanctioned Dozen to audition?

-Oh, hush-hush, I'm afraid, Charles.

-Drink?

-That's not funny! I don't think you realise what you've done!

Lady Hardwick is throttling for your blood right now!

-Does Harry know about all this?!

-< Know about what?

-It's, er, hush-hush, I'm afraid, honey.

-Oh, hush-hush!

-Attagirl, you're catching on!

-Whose side are you on, Harry?!

OK, toodly-pip-pip-pip-pip-pip, Charles.

-I got the part, Dad.

-Oh, congratulations, Popeye!

-Well done!

-Can I stay at Vern's tonight? We've got rehearsals

-and he lives closer to the club.

-Your mom doesn't mind?

-She's groovy.

-I'll grab my bag.

Look and learn.

Evening, Mrs Malaga.

-Has anyone ever told you who you're the spitting image of?

-No, love. Who?

Elizabeth Taylor. Scout's honour.

Look, I know it's an 18 but we're studying the book at school

and wondered if you could make an academic exception,

just this once,... Liz.

These are on the house, love. But not a word to anyone.

Thanks.

You're shameless, you are.

-Got us in, didn't it?

-(Ssh! Sssshhhh!)

-(That's disgusting! Where is Charlie's wife?)

-(England.)

-(How are we gonna get out?)

-(Crawl out, just before the end.)

-See you, Liz!

-Thanks, Liz. (BOTH LAUGH)

-P is for pot.

-Pot.

-Hey, Ralph, come here.

-We'll do some more later.

-Thank you, madam.

-Where were you last night?

-You know where.

-Singing rehearsals.

-Who was there?

-The usual bunch.

-What did you sing?

-Songs from the show.

-Don't lie to me, Ralph. I know where you were.

Sit down.

-What's eating you? Dad drunk again last night?

-Answer my question

-and don't be rude.

-What's it got to do with you? You're not my mother.

Oh, oh, oh, I've been waiting for that one!

-Someone saw you, Ralph.

-So?

-So it's illegal.

So what? You think an X-flick compares with anything

-that goes on in this house?

-I won't stand being lied to.

We all lie. Everyone's bonking everyone round here

but we pretend it's not happening.

Like we pretend Dad's not a total drunk!

-Bullshit!

-What would you know? You are nothing but a common air hostess.

-(ROOM DOOR CLICKS OPEN)

-What's going on? >

You deal with this.

-She hit me.

-For which I'm sure she's very sorry. Ruby is not the enemy.

-She cares about you.

-You can talk.

-You were the one who called her common.

-I did not!

-Yes, you did! You were drunk! Ask her!

-Right, you're grounded.

-Go to your room.

-(SLAMS DOOR)

-(You can't stay. You have to scarper.)

-(I can't. Let me in.)

< Vernon, are you still in there?!

-No, this is a recording! No, this is a recording!

-(LAUGHS)

-Since when did you smoke?

-Since forever.

-Want some?

-I'll fall off my bike.

-Suit yourself.

-(COUGHS)

-(CHUCKLES)

-What'll happen now?

-Only everything.

-Vernon!

-Here, Ralph, giz it back.

-Vernon!

-(CHUCKLES)

And what are you two doing here?

-What does it look like, Charlie?

-That's Uncle Charles to you.

-And I am not a Charlie.

-Could've fooled me.

-You're not my uncle, either.

-Aren't you both grounded?

-So it was you who grassed on us?

-Course. Your pornographic behaviour

is a direct consequence of seeing that filth. You ought to be ashamed.

-Not half as ashamed as we were of you.

-I beg your pardon?!

-We saw you there.

-With, er, what's her name?

January, February, March,

-April, May...

-June! So what?!

So, you're a married man, Charlie.

-Snogging another man's wife, that's what.

-You want seeing to!

-Oh, don't beat us, sir!

-(BOTH LAUGH)

-You're late, late, late, late! Too late!

-Sorry, Tobias.

Not good enough! I can hardly inform Her Royal Highness

that Mordred has forgotten his song because he's too late.

-I told you we shouldn't have cast him.

-Please, Riva! Out!

-Both of you!

-I've already told them! Now, skedaddle!

And I expect you to be word perfect and punctual next time!

Understood?!

-(SNIGGERING)

-Dance!

Alright!

-Ready, Gwen?

-Yes, yes.

-Lovely long neck.

And one, and two.

(SLURS) Where the bloody hell do you think you've been?

You've been grounded until further notice, Tarzan.

-At rehearsals.

-Rehearsals, my arse.

You haven't even had the decency to apologise.

Prancing around like a pansified little ponce.

-Drop it, it doesn't matter.

-Yes, it does. Who do you think you are,

-Margot fucking Fonteyn?

-No, your fucking son!

-Stop it, both of you!

-Stay out of this. This is between me and him.

-I don't care about an apology.

-Don't you ever

use that language in front of me again, young man.

-That understood?

-Yes, sir, loud and fucking clearly!

-And you're drunk, for a change(!)

-Oh, what the hell is wrong with you?!

-Stay right here!

-No, you stay where you fucking are! I'm outta here!

-Come back here, I'm talking to you!

-Wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah,

-wah-wah, wah-wah, wah-wah...!

-Mark my words,

this time I'll knock your bloody block off!

Stay where you are!

Ruby! Ruby!

Ruby, open this door! Open the bloody door! Open up!

Open up this bloody door! (BANGS ON DOOR)

-Open up!

-Go away!

-Ruby!

-(BOTH CONTINUE SHOUTING)

-Bastard.

Bastard! Bastard.

Bastard.

Bastard.

And what do you think you're doing?

(GUNSHOT)

(PANTS)

(GUNSHOT)

-(GUNSHOT)

-Stay where you are!

Fucking fairy!

Not so bloody smart now, are you?!

Go on, do it.

Shoot!

(GUNSHOT) (WOMEN SCREAM)

(CRIES)

Go on.

-(GUNSHOT)

-(SOBS) Oh, God! Oh, God!

Ralph! Ralph!

Ralph!

Ralph! Ralph!

C'mon, please, Ralphie, get in.

C'mon, please, Ralphie. He is desperate to talk to you.

-I'm scared of him.

-Oh, don't be scared.

C'mon, get in.

That monster isn't really him, you know that.

-Then, why do you stay?

-I love him.

I love him. I love your dad with every fibre of my being.

I love him, I can't help it. And I know you do, too.

Why does he do this to us?

-Honestly, you know, I don't think he can help himself.

-But I can.

-I'm getting out of here the day I finish school.

-That may be, Ralphie,

but... you never really get away, you know. It's called family.

Maybe,... maybe not.

Every time my mother makes any kind of contact he goes ballistic.

Ruby told me what happened.

I don't remember a bloody thing.

I'm so terribly sorry, Popeye.

I'm begging you for one... last... chance.

Please, Popeye.

-What do you say?

-Nothing to say.

Please, Popeye.

Please.

Come in.

So,... how can I help you?

-I don't know how to say this.

-Don't you worry,

there isn't much I haven't seen or heard in here.

I think,... I think my dad's an alcoholic.

Look, most of us have a bit of a tipple from time to time.

-How much is a tipple?

-It varies. The odd bottle.

How about a bottle of Scotch per day?

I had no idea.

He tried to shoot me.

-When did this start?

-The night my mother left. Can you help me?

Of course I will, but no-one else must know about this.

He's too highly respected and loved for anyone else to find out.

Thank you.

-(KNOCK AT DOOR)

-That you, my boy?

-Don't get up.

-Where's Dad?

-Ralphie, he's at the hospital.

Don't panic. He's had to see Dr Zim about something or other.

-What's the matter?

-Ralphie, I'm sorry to have to say this...

..but Ruby's leaving.

-What do you mean?

-Well, she's staying with me at the moment

till she gets herself sorted out, but she's asked me to tell you

because she's just too upset to see you herself at the moment.

-I've just come to collect the rest of her things.

-(SIGHS)

-This is all my fault.

-Not at all.

-(CRIES)

It's nothing to do with you. Come here!

(SIGHS)

Oh, my angel boy.

Dr Zim has prescribed these anti-booze pills

which will make me sick as a dog if I so much as, er, touch a drop.

How did he find out?

I suppose Ruby must have told him before she left.

-What are we going to do, Dad?

-I don't know.

Your mother has, er, has asked me for a second chance.

-But you're married to Ruby.

-Yes. Yes, I know, Popeye,

but, erm,... it doesn't look as if she'll be coming back.

She says the situation is too, er,... conflicted.

So, for once I think your mother may be,... may be right

and I don't want to stand in the way of that... possibility.

But only if you agree, of course.

-What am I supposed to say?

-Yes.

If that's what you want.

Where is she?

Ohhhh!

I've missed you so much.

You've really done a remarkable job.

-This looks wonderful.

-Thank you.

Whose idea was all this?

-Ruby's.

-Oh.

But everyone helped out.

-Do you still use the puppets I gave you?

-Of course.

-You must do me a show sometime.

-OK.

I'll look forward to that.

This looks lovely.

Who did all this?

Thank you.

(RINGS BELL)

Thank you, Regina. Er, what have we here?

-Spaghetti, madam.

-Ah.

-I am learning to read.

Could you ask your mother to pass the salt,... please?

(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

-(CHUCKLES)

-Sssshhhh!

Don't move.

# "Stay As Sweet As You Are" - Nat King Cole

# Stay as sweet as you are

# Don't let a thing

# ever change you

# Stay as sweet as you are

# Don't let a soul

# rearrange you

# Don't ever lose

# All the charm you possess

# Your loveliness, darling

# The way

# you say yes

# Stay as sweet as you are

# Discreet as you are

# You're divine, dear

# Stay as grand as you are

# And as you are

# Tell me that you're mine, dear... #

June.

-I spy with my little eye... Hello, Ralphie.

-Auntie June.

-Morning, ma'am.

-We haven't seen you at rehearsals lately.

-I've had to miss a few.

-Where's the American?

Good morning, ladies.

-Ralphie, you must come riding sometime.

-I'd like to, thank you.

-Toodle-pip.

-Trot on.

I'm not invisible, you know.

No, you're a divorcee, which is far worse.

Excuse me.

We're leaving.

(TYRES SCREECH)

How dare they?! How dare they blank me?!

And then judge me!

None of them has got a monogamous bone in their bodies!

I mean, what was I supposed to have done?!

I thought that giving your father custody was the kindest option!

You'd be at home! You'd have your friends! And now I'm being vilified

like some,... some,... some scarlet woman!

(SIGHS) I've been a damn fool to think I could ever come back in here

and do battle with that coven of bitches!

What did Uncle John have that Dad didn't?

(SIGHS)

He says what he means, unlike every damned Englishman.

He hasn't got an ironic or effete bone in his body.

-Is he going back to Auntie Gwen, then?

-Don't be daft.

He's been transferred to Peru!

(SOBS)

Please don't look at me!

Ralph! Ralph!

Come back!

Please, come back!

So that's why she asked to come back.

-Where is she?

-Who cares?

(HORN BEEPS)

Ralph?!

Harry! Oh, Harry! (PANTS) I've lost Ralph!

-You most certainly have.

-What? What do you mean?

-Why don't you tell me?

-Oh, come on, Harry, don't play games.

Is he here?

-Where is he?

-Why don't you try Peru?

(SIGHS)

-I see.

-Oh, do you?

Pity I didn't. I think it best that you leave.

-Immediately.

-Don't be ridiculous.

God, you've changed your tune.

-It wasn't that long ago you were begging me to stay.

-Just leave.

-I need to speak to Ralph!

-He doesn't want to see you.

-Don't be stupid, I'm his mother!

-Were!

-(BANGS ON DOOR)

Harry! Let... me... in! Regina! Regina, let me in!

(BANGS ON DOOR) Harry! Let me in!

Ralphie? >

How many friends do you have?

My father claimed that if you had five true friends in your life

you were a rich man. Hmnh!

-Who do you truly love?

-You make it sound so easy, Popeye. (CHUCKLES)

It is easy, Dad. Just call her.

-Who?

-Who do you think?

(SIGHS)

(TOOTS HORN)

# "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" - The Andrews Sisters

-I'm so sorry.

-Me, too.

-Quits?

-Quits.

And, er, yes, I was an air hostess, oh, yeah,

just long enough to learn how to deal with very difficult passengers.

I hate to intrude, folks, but we do need Mordred back in rehearsals.

Up to Ralph, right?

-Are you sure?

-Damn sure.

Come on, then. Can we take the car? Thank you.

(TOOTS HORN)

I'd like to apologise for calling you by your first name, Uncle Charles.

Gratefully accepted.

When you turn 16, I shall invite you to drop the uncle.

-Thank you,... sir.

-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

That is it! We simply cannot wait any longer, June!

-Lancelot will have to walk on!

-Don't shout, you will scare him!

-(HORSE FARTS)

-That... is... it!

-(ALL LAUGH)

-Out!

-< I warned you about that horse, Tobias.

-Excuse me, Lady Riva.

I shall repair to the bar. Do I make myself clear?!

-Well, I say!

-I can't work like this!

-It's gonna be so bad it'll be brilliant.

-I heard that!

-Let's take it from the top. Bunny.

-(BUNNY PLAYS PIANO)

-One, two, three, four!

-(ALL) # Camelot

# Camelot

-# I know it sounds a bit bizarre

-# La, la, la, la, la, la!

# But in Camelot

# Camelot

# That's how conditions are... #

-Hi. How were rehearsals?

-Brilliant.

-Tobias threw a fit.

-What's new?

-Where's Dad?

-He didn't pick you up?

We came back on my bike.

-Maybe he had a flat tyre.

-OK, I'll go call the club.

-I better get going.

-Thanks, Vern.

-See you, mate.

-See you.

He's not there.

He also refused to take his pill this morning. I knew

-we should've made him swallow the damn thing.

-(CAR ENGINE RUMBLES)

-Just act normal, OK?

-OK.

-No matter what, OK?

-OK.

Ah, the welcoming committee!

Perfect timing! Don't you want to know where I've been?

-Where have you been?

-To a post-independent educational,

strategy and budgeting meeting, if you really want to know.

Translation, please.

They have asked me to stay on.

Honorary adviser - full salary, full perks,

-all post independence. What do you think of that?!

-You bastard!

-Ah, ah, language!

-How could you do that to us?

-And you thought I was back on the old you know what.

-Oh, you bastard!

-This is fabulous news, honey.

-Yes.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

My mother wants to know which night you've booked to see Camelot.

-First night. She can go see any of the others.

-Are you sure?

Absolutely.

I am so proud of you.

(SINGING ON STAGE)

Can you help me with these buttons?

-Hurry up, you're nearly on. I can't wait.

-Let me help you.

Ooh!

Sorry.

Quick.

-Jammy bastard! How'd you do it?

-Charisma, my man.

-Charisma.

-Smile as if your lives depend on it!

Let's see you all courtesy deeply

as Her Most Royal Highness

-parades past you.

-(ALL) Yes, Uncle Charles.

It's going to be a triumph! A T-R-I-U-M-P-H! Triumph!

(SHRIEKS / LAUGHS)

-(GASPS)

-(SNIGGERING)

(NATIVES SING IN SWAZI / WHOOP)

-It's like National Geographic!

-Only better!

-Countdown, my man!

-Do you know where you're going next year?

-Yeah, only bloody Bahrain.

-Where's that?

-Exactly.

-(CHUCKLES)

-(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Come on, we can't be late.

-Come in.

-Ruby!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, relax. I'm coming.

-Dad, I have a big favour to ask.

-Ask away, Popeye.

Promise me you won't... you know what.

-Thank you.

-Had to be done.

-He knows it wasn't me who called Dr Zim.

-That was brave of you.

Now, there's something you can do for me. Here.

-I can't, Dad.

-There's no such thing as can't.

-Only one thing we want.

-I know, Popeye.

I promise you, I won't let you down.

By the way,... good luck tonight.

-How do I look?

-Only fit to meet a princess.

Right answer.

Oh, God, you look beautiful.

Oh, yeah!

-Oh, yah!

-(BOTH LAUGH) Come on.

Now concentrate, concentrate and stay calm!

You're all going to be magical!

Her Royal Highness is on... her... way!

(PANICKED SHRIEKING)

-(Shit!)

-Let's see.

-Please don't, Auntie Gwen.

-No, come on, Ralphie. Let's have a look.

(Shit!)

(Shit, shit, shit, shit!)

(SILLY WARM-UP VOICE EXERCISES)

Sssshhhh!

Now, it's all up to you.

Break a leg. I'll be rooting for you... in the bar.

Thank you. See you later. Break a leg. Good luck.

-Where's Gwen? Where is Gwen?

-Wait! (MUTTERS)

-Out for the count!

-Oh, my God!

Ralph, run to the bar and catch Tobias. Quickly!

-Philip, ice and black coffee. Fast!

-What the hell are you doing here?

-Guinevere's a goner.

-Oh, God, no! Not tonight of all nights!

(APPLAUSE)

-For heaven's sake!

-Come on, Gwen.

Come on, girl. Come on, Gwen.

-Come on, girl.

-I told you she was too common to play a queen.

She has proved herself to be common beyond commonness incarnate!

-Shut up, Riva!

-(BURPS) Common I may be

but you can't act, you can't cook,

you can't even keep His Lordship's cock out of everybody else's clumps!

-(ALL GASP) Oh!

-Ice bucket! Quick!

Bleurgh! (ALL) Urgh!

-Get her on stage! Come on!

-That's better.

(ALL CHATTER)

Give her some air!

# Impossible deeds should be his daily fare

# But where in the world is there in the world

# A man so extraordinaire?

# C'est moi, c'est moi, I'm forced to admit

# 'Tis I, I humbly reply

# That mortal who these marvels can do

# C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I #

-(APPLAUSE)

-Oh, well done, Gwen!

It's a triumph, a medieval triumph!

-No, it's a bloody disaster!

-I beg your pardon?!

-What do you mean?

-Her Royal Highness has departed!

-How can she? It's only the interval.

-Precisely!

-Claims she has an upset stomach!

-Probably the local water.

-Water, my arse!

-Tobias!

-I'm very, very upset.

-Ohhhh, honestly!

(ON STAGE) # Camelot

# Camelot

# Now say it out with love and joy

# Camelot

-# Camelot!

-# Yes, Camelot, my boy

# Where once it never rained till after sundown

# By 8:00am the morning fog had flown

(ALL) # Don't let it be forgot

# That once there was a spot

# For one brief shining moment

# That was known as

# Camelot #

Run, boy! Run!

(ALL CHEER)

(ALL CHEER)

You were great. You were just so great.

It was just so great. I am so proud of you. Mwah!

Well... done, Ralphie! Splendid! Jolly good!

You were just fabulous, Popeye.

Marvellous!

-Fancy the royal personage leaving in the interval.

-I know!

-Food poisoning, my arse! (POPS BALLOON)

-(ALL LAUGH)

-Wait till she gets a dose of tribal dancing.

-(ALL LAUGH)

Oh, my darling!

My son did very well, didn't he?

Hi, I'm Ruby.

-He was great.

-Aren't you going to Peru?

-Come on, Ralphie.

-I thought you were coming tomorrow night.

-I wouldn't have missed this.

-You've got the party, right?

-Wrong.

Just because you married my husband doesn't give you rights.

And don't ever try and turn my son against me.

-Are you coming, superstar?

-I can't, Mum. I'm really sorry.

-I've come all this way to see you.

-Come on, mate, let's go.

You guys stay as long as you like.

(ALL CHANT) Puddle! Cuddle! Puddle! Cuddle! Puddle!

(ALL WHOOP)

-Thank you for saving me.

-My pleasure!

Goodbye, Swaziland!

(CHEERING)

# We're all buggered

# All busted and bewildered

# We've all got to get our arses

# out of HERE!

# They don't want us

# To rule or cause a rumpus

# They just want to kick our arses

-# out of HERE!...

-(ALL CHEER)

# We're all buggered

(ALL) # All busted and bewildered

# We've all got to get our arses...

Take it off! Take it off!

# We're all buggered... #

(ALL SING IN SWAZI)

(ALL CHEER)

-She's minute.

-Isn't she just marvellous?

-It's not quite Cheltenham.

-I wish my mum was alive to see me now!

(ALL CHEER)

(CHEERING)

No more la-di-dah, hoity-toity, hooty-snooty,

-wah-wah any more!

-(CHUCKLES)

-Wasn't that just incredible?

-Incredible.

What do you think this little piece of metal is worth, Popeye?

A big pile of money?

Oh, no, just a lifetime, old boy. My lifetime.

-You deserve it, Dad.

-Oh, bollocks!

-We are so proud of you.

-Bollocks. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS) Goddammit.

I can't feel my,... I can't feel my bloody arm.

-Go and lie down. I'm gonna call Dr Zim.

-No, it's...

-C'mon.

-No, no, no, no, I'm,... I'm fine, really.

Don't panic, I'm,... I'm fine, really.

He won't be able to speak for much longer,

pressure on the brain will be too great. Therefore, I propose

that we operate immediately, try to remove the tumour,

-buy him a little more time.

-What are you saying, Dr Zim?

At best we are talking about just another couple of months.

-To what?

-To what?

To live.

-So, we've decided to join forces.

-What about your wife?

Bolted, I'm afraid.

-Staying in Blighty.

-And you'll never guess where we're headed.

Rhodesia. Isn't that something?

I wonder, could you tell me exactly whereabouts...? She doesn't know.

-I'm sorry, but he's still asleep.

-Terrible business.

One just has to brace oneself. Where's the American?

Whatever you have to say, say it and say it fast.

Look, I shan't pretend there's been any love lost between us

but I've come to apologise as I won't be attending the funeral.

Don't do them. I'd hate you to think I was snubbing it.

He's not dead yet. Get out!

(ALL LAUGH)

(RADIO) "They say they wanted something different

so I popped down to an agency in the Charing Cross Road,

it was called Bona Performers. Hello? Anybody there?"

-"Hello, I'm Julian, this is my friend, Sandy."

-(CHUCKLES)

-"We are your Bona performers."

-"Bona performers we are."

"Oh, it's Mr Horne! Oh, how nice to vada your dolly old eek again!"

"What brings you here?"

"I've been asked to organise a cabaret for the BBC

-and I was wondering if you could fix me up."

-"Oh, yes, duckie!"

-(CHUCKLES)

-"Oh, no, no, we'd be glad to fix you up any time."

"Yes. Oh, BBC, is it?"

"Well, you'll want something a bit risque for that mob."

-"How about Queenie?"

-"Queenie?"

-"What does Queenie do?"

-"She does striptease with a difference."

"Normally she's the bearded lady..."

Take my watch.

Thank you, Popeye.

I...

I never stopped loving your mother.

(SOBS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

So we say farewell to Mahlaganipani.

Five friends

was his measure of wealth

and, judging by the numbers around me,

he was indeed a very rich man.

(ALL SING IN SWAZI)

(SINGING STOPS)

Toodle-pip, sweetie. (CRIES)

-I loved him so much.

-I know, Gwennie. I know.