Flashbacks of a Fool

This film contains very strong language.

MUSIC: "Sons Of" by Scott Walker

# Sons of the thief

# Sons of the saint

# Who is the child

# With no complaint?

# Sons of the great

# Or sons unknown

# All were children

# Like your own

# The same sweet smiles

# The same sad tears

# The cries at night

# The nightmare fears

# Sons of the great

# Or sons unknown

# All were children

# Like your own

# So long ago

# Long, long ago

# But sons of tycoons

# Or sons of the farms

# All of the children

# Ran from your arms

# Through fields of gold

# Through fields of ruin

# All of the children

# Vanished too soon

# In tow'ring waves

# In walls of flesh

# Among dying birds

# Trembling with death

# Sons of tycoons

# Or sons of the farms

# All of the children

# Ran from your arms

# So long ago

# Long, long ago

# And sons of your sons

# Or sons passing by

# Children we lost

# In lullabies

# Sons of true love

# Or sons of regret

# All of the sons

# You cannot forget

# Some build the roads

# Some row the boats

# Some go to war

# Some never come home

# Sons of your sons

# Or sons passing by

# Children we lost

# In lullabies

# So long ago

# Long, long ago

# Sons of the thief

# Sons of the saint

# Who is the child

# With no complaint?

# Sons of the great

# Or sons unknown

# All were children

# Like your own

# The same sweet smiles The same sad tears

# The cries at night The nightmare fears

# Sons of the great or sons unknown

# All were children like your own. #

SNIFFS

-He's got no stamina.

-CHUCKLES

-I love your nose.

-Oh, thanks, Apple.

I wanted to get my nose done since I was ten,

but it wasn't as simple as I thought.

The doctors found out I didn't have any cartilage

in the tip of my nose, so then we had to do that.

Erm, my nose was too long, so we had to shorten it.

And then it was too wide, so we had to, er...thin it.

And, er, it was just a lot more complicated than I thought.

My nose was just an insane amount of money.

I mean, I was shocked.

I thought that a nose job was only, like, three or four grand,

but I was wrong.

Mine was, like... three times that amount.

I mean, my girlfriend's breast enlargement

-was, like, four or five grand.

-POUNDING RAP MUSIC

I mean, it's not like I ever...felt them, but...

Ooh!

..they actually look kinda...real, you know?

RADIO: 'So your own wife, who's hot, by the way, with big jugs,

'she won't even go down on you? You can call my girlfriend up,

'and she'll tell you, and I've been with her for quite a while,

'she will tell you she goes down on me every time we're together.'

You're a disgrace to white folks.

GROANS

BOTTLES CLINK

TURNS SHOWER ON

Christ.

< Where's my wallet?!

-Where's my wallet?

-On the dresser.

Hi, Sister Jean, it's Joe.

Sure.

How can you spend 1,000 bucks on a 976 line?

I don't get it. You're Joseph Scott, who every woman wants,

and you waste your money on a 976 line.

Cos I can pretend to be someone else.

Oh, no, not you, Sister Jean, someone else. Erm, I need some tickets.

I'm at home. Now?

Great, thank you. I'll see you in a bit. Bye. Bye.

Don't you have any philosophies in life apart from self-indulgence?

You're the most self-indulgent damn fool I've ever met.

-I thought you'd given up.

-I did give up.

-And then I started again. Feel this.

-What?

Feel this. It's a lump. Feel that lump? You feel it?

There? There!

It's cancer.

Breast cancer. Can men get breast cancer? TAPS CALCULATOR

Do they give men mastectomies?

-I've got something down there, as well.

-Have you seen a doctor?

Yes, I have, and he's a fucking idiot. It's cancer.

-So where is it?

-What?

-My wallet.

-On the dresser.

-No, it isn't.

-It is.

-What the fuck is that?

-A dog.

-I can see that. What the fuck is it doing in my house?

Oh, Apple!

RINGING TONE

-'Hello?'

-Apple.

-'Hi, Joe.'

-Why did you leave your dog here?

-'You said I could.'

-No, I didn't.

-'Yes, you did.

'I'm going to pick him up at the restaurant after your meeting.'

-I'm not taking that dog with me.

-'Leave him in the car.

-'I'll be there at two.'

-PHONE LINE CLICKS

You better.

SIZZLING

Is it cocktail hour yet?

(CAMP VOICE) Well, it is somewhere.

-I'm handing in my notice.

-Why?

It's so much fun here.

-How much?

-It's not about the money.

-How much?

-When I show up here, I never know what to expect.

Whether you've eaten mushrooms or acid or coke or all of the above.

You know what they call you? Captain Wacky.

Captain...Wacky.

You know, I really don't like looking at myself through your eyes.

Another 500.

I'm not happy.

Your happiness doesn't interest me, mine does.

600.

700.

-OK.

-That's a month...not a week.

ENTRYPHONE BUZZER

Yes? Yes?

'Hi!'

BUZZER

-Hi! You look terrific.

-So do you.

Welcome. Come in. Nice to see you.

My whole apartment block was shaking last night. Did you feel it?

-No.

-I thought it was gonna fall in and I was gonna die.

-Five, right?

-Mm-hm.

You have the fires and you have the floods and you have the riots...

And then you have the drive-by shootings.

Fires, floods, earthquakes, riots.

I drove by a body on my way here just lying on the sidewalk.

We don't need to go to the movies, we live in a movie.

-We do.

-I live here, but I can't find one good thing to say about it.

If I close my eyes and picture it,

all I can see is one big varicose vein.

DOG YAPS

Oh, you've got yourself a dog!

Oh, it's good to have animals!

I have two dogs, two cats and a green lizard.

I had two boa constrictors that I got when they were babies,

but they were always getting out of their tank.

When they got to six foot, one wrapped itself around the treadmill,

-and I turned it on, and it got flattened!

-No!

-Oh, I have had so many animals, you wouldn't believe it.

-Snakes, eh?

SIGHS

Well, I'd better be going.

You're not into smack, are you? I got some straight off the boat.

-No.

-Smack junkies never seem to get bored.

They can look at their shoes for eight hours

and still have a good time. I envy that.

-Well, it's nice to see you, Joe.

-Nice to see you, Sister Jean.

-Thanks for coming.

-No problem.

-I'll see you soon. Bye.

-Bye-bye now.

Will you help me with this dog?

What do you mean "help"?

-That wasn't too difficult, was it?

-Then, why couldn't you do it?

Because I've got a meeting and I don't want hairs on me.

-DOG GROWLS

-Oh!

-Oh, Christ!

-Oh, my God!

-Christ!

-Can we help?

-I'm sorry! It was the dog! No, we're fine, thank you.

I was talking to the lady! If you need a witness to that assault...

What are you talking about? It wasn't an assault, it was an accident.

That was no accident - it was an unprovoked, vicious attack!

-I'm calling the police right now!

-It was an accident!

-I wouldn't hit her.

-I saw you and I know you.

-I know all about you, Joe Scott.

-Put your cellphone away!

It was an accident, not an assault!

And you two are old enough to know the difference.

If you don't get outta here, there will be an assault.

We were only trying to help! You should report him!

-You saw what you wanted to see! Get outta here!

-SPLUTTERS

-SIGHS

-God.

Put that on your nose.

Come and sit down.

Step. That's all right.

There you go. Steady. Put your head back.

There you go. SIGHS

SIGHS

-I'll make you some tea, shall I?

-You don't know how to make tea.

-You're gonna leave me, aren't you?

-What?!

-PHONE RINGS

You are, you're gonna leave me.

Are you gonna stand there or are you gonna answer the phone?

Is that a roundabout way of saying you don't wanna discuss this now?

-Hello?

-'Joe?'

-Hi, Mum.

-'I can't believe you picked up the phone! Where's Ophelia?'

-Busy.

-Can I call you back?

-'Joe, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.'

-Are you OK?

-'Yes, I'm fine.'

-Is Peggy OK?

-'No, Peggy's fine.'

-'Oh, I hate to tell you this over the phone.'

-Just tell me.

Mum?

-Mum, are you there?

-'Oh, dear!'

-For God's sake, just tell me! Please!

-'Oh, Joe, I'm so sorry!'

-Just tell me, Mum, please.

-'Boots has died.'

What?

'Boots has died.'

What do you mean "Boots has died"? When?

'Yesterday. It happened yesterday. I'm so sorry, Joe.'

-How?

-'They're not sure yet. There has to be an autopsy.'

-'Joe?'

-Yeah.

Yeah, Mum, I'm here.

'They're holding the funeral at Saint Joseph's.

'I've spoken to Ruth, and she'd love you to come,

'but she understands if you're too busy.'

'Joe, it's been such a shock to her. He wasn't even ill.

'There was no warning that this was coming.'

'I feel terrible telling you this over the phone.'

'And I know you haven't seen him for years,

'but I know how much you meant to each other.

'He was so proud of you and all that you've achieved.'

-Can you, er, get me a Bloody Mary?

-Certainly, sir.

I'm so sorry I'm late, the traffic was dreadful.

Meet Hollywood's hottest young director, Ritchie Smith.

The script is fantastic. Congratulations.

Mannie says you've directed some music videos.

Did you have a look at 'em? Fuckin' awesome, ain't they?

-No, you didn't send them to me.

-We didn't?

-No.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh.

Excuse me. ..Hello?

Yeah. I've been trying to get hold of you for days.

Oh, yes, I have. Now is not a good time.

Don't call me when I'm in the middle of a fucking lunch meeting.

-Yes, I am serious. I'll talk to you later.

-Can I get another one?

Why didn't you call me in the office?

That's the place to call somebody, not when they're having lunch.

Call me later. Sure. Bye.

Sorry about that.

There'll be a tape at your house when you get home, OK?

OK, let's order some food.

OK. This stuff looks good, huh?

I wish I hadn't had such a big breakfast.

-I'm just gonna have a salad.

-So am I. PHONE RINGS

Hello? Dave! Hey, how are you, my man?

-Uh-huh. Well, that's great...

-VOICE FADES

Sure, we'll talk later. OK. Bye.

Let's order! Er...

Excuse me!

-I'm gonna have a green salad.

-Yeah, for me, as well.

-Ritchie, you want anything?

-Burger.

-Burger.

-How would you like that?

-Rare?

-He'd like it rare.

Anything else I can get you?

Ritchie, anything else? ..No. No, thank you.

Thank you. DROPS CUTLERY

Sorry.

-I...have to go to the bathroom.

-Sure.

MOUTHS

OK, business. Things have developed a lot since we last spoke, OK?

-And since Ritchie started casting seriously, he...

-ICE CHINKS

Since Ritchie started casting seriously,

he realises your character isn't going the way he wants.

You know how things are. You start casting, things change,

-dynamics change...

-Dynamics?

Yeah. You know, dynamics. Dynamics between characters.

-He wants to go younger.

-PHONE RINGS

Hello? George!

-LAUGHS LOUDLY

-How are ya?

Uh-huh. That's great. Listen, I tell you what you do, though.

You take the 35 million, you go to Brazil.

You keep 34 million for yourself

and you spend 1 million on a picture.

Only don't spend it on this one... ..What the fuck are you doing?!

-Are you trying to humiliate me?

-That's my fuckin' phone!

-Why didn't you tell me this on the phone?!

-I...!

Goddammit, Joe, when did you become such an asshole?!

I thought if you met Ritchie, he might give you another part.

-Have you read the script?

-Of course.

-Have you read the script?

-Yes.

Well, if you had, you'd know there are only four characters,

three of whom are women!

So which other fucking part do you think I might be right for?!

No other fuckin' part!

I don't think there's any part in any script for you, anywhere!

No-one's interested any more. You know why they're not interested?

Because you're not interested any more.

You have squandered every fuckin' opportunity

you've ever been given! Take a look in the mirror

next time you're snorting off it, because you are a mess.

I am tired of pretending otherwise,

so I'm gonna give it to you straight. It...is...over.

You...are...over. People are tired of your pathetic behaviour.

They don't wanna be around it any more. Neither do I!

So I suggest you get yourself a new agent!

RESTAURANT FALLS SILENT

CHATTER RESUMES

-Cool dog.

-What?

-The Brussels Griffon.

-The Brussels what?

-Er, Brussels Griffon. The Jack Nicholson dog.

Oh, yeah, the dog. The fucking dog. Thanks.

RINGING TONE

-'Hello?'

-Where are you, Apple?

'Oh, hi, Joe!'

Can you explain to me why your dog is still in my car?

-'I need a big favour.'

-No.

-'Would you look after him for a few days?'

-Are you insane?!

-'I have to go away.'

-You are not dumping your dog on me.

-'It's just a few days.'

-What's that smell?

Oh, Jesus, your dog has done a shit in my car!

-'Joe?'

-MIMICS PHONE CRACKLING No...

-'Joe?'

-No, you're not hanging up on me.

-'I'm losing you.'

-Don't hang up on me.

-'I can't hear you.'

-Don't hang up on me!

LINE CLICKS Fuck! Fuck!

Hey!

You like the dog? Keep the fucking dog.

TYRES SCREECH

GHOST-TRAIN SIRENS WAIL

Hey, Joe.

-You know David Bowie believes in aliens?

-Yeah, I know.

-You stink. You need a bath.

-I had a bath.

-When?

-Erm, I...

Exactly. You never take a bath. You stink.

SIRENS CONTINUE

-Well, how often do you have a bath, then?

-GIRL SQUEALS

-Every day.

-Every day?

-Yes, every day.

-Does your mum make you?

-No, I just like to be clean.

BREATHES HARD

-Every day's not clean - every day's weird.

-THUNDER

-Hey, do you remember that ginger girl...

-Shut up!

BREATHES HARD AND SPITS

MOANS

Oh!

GIRL SCREAMS

-Come on.

-Oh!

Hang on, I can't even see.

Joe!

-Joe!

-Wait here.

All right? Go round the side.

BOTH SCREAM

BOTH SCREAM

CACKLING

# Sons of the thief

# Sons of the saint

# Who is the child

# With no complaint?

# Sons of the great

# Or sons unknown

# All were children

# Like your own

# The same sweet smiles

# The same sad tears

# The cries at night

# The nightmare fears

# Sons of the great

# Or sons unknown

# All were children

# Like your own. #

-BOYS: Wotcha.

-Hello.

You're late. You missed lunch.

-Who are you?

-I'm Boots.

-What kind of name is that?

-Er...

I know you.

You're the one who had the epileptic fit at the cinema.

-Is that a glass of selfish, Joe?

-What?

-Boots, would you like something to drink?

-Oh, yes, please.

-Milk?

-Yeah, please.

Joe, pour Boots a glass of milk before you finish the bottle.

What film was it made you have the fit?

Erm, Ring Of Bright Water?

-Oh, the one about the otter?

-Yeah.

-Don't do that, Joe!

-What?

Put the empty bottle back in the fridge.

-Do you still have 'em?

-What?

-Fits.

-I haven't for a long time.

Well, you will. Once an epileptic, always an epileptic.

Come on.

-Kids grow up too quick these days.

-SCREAMS

Good God, is that child trying to scrape the paint off the walls?!

-What does "cunt" mean?

-I told you not to say that!

-You say it!

-I do not! If you say it again, I'll give you a hiding!

-Well, what does it mean?!

-Shut up!

If I tell you, do you promise me you won't say it again?

-It's a very bad word for your vagina.

-What's my vagina?

The proper word for your moo-moo. Now, go outside,

-or I'll make you both into piccalilli!

-BOTH SCREAM

-You off already, Boots?

-Er, yeah.

-How's your mum?

She's all right.

-Give her my love, won't you?

-Yeah.

-Well, bye, then.

-Bye.

I don't trust that boy. Always looking out the sides of his eyes

like some old dog waiting to steal a bone.

Psst!

(Boots!)

(Is that woman still 'ere?)

-(Who?)

-(Mrs Rogers.)

-(Bye.)

-(Oh, God...)

So they had to give me one of them enemas.

Well, I was blocked up like an old crypt.

And do you know what they found?

A plastic toy animal.

-Probably been stuck in me bowels for over 20 years.

-Oh, dear!

I must have eaten it!

But, you know, I can't taste a thing, not since I hit my head.

I always wonder what old people looked like when they were young.

It just makes me sad...

..cos it's all gone, and you think, "How cruel."

I suppose if you really concentrated...

..you might be able to imagine the old people you know as young.

But it's really hard,

cos all I can see is that they're old, ill, ugly...

and their life's over.

When you watch an old person sleeping...

..especially if they're very old...

..you think, "Will they ever wake up again?"

Then they wake up very suddenly.

One second, they're sleeping and lifeless...

..the next second, they're turning on the telly for the news.

"Have I missed the news?"

"Have I missed the news?"

When does a person stop keeping up?

Why don't you make a move, Joe?

What do you mean?

Don't you fancy me?

You can touch if you like.

My mum's next door.

She'll be busy.

She won't be in.

BREATHES HARD

Are you gonna help me with all them vegetables,

or do I have to chop 'em all meself?

Yeah, I'm coming. We were just talking.

I better go back.

See you later, Joe.

I hate holidays as much as sport, and that's saying something.

I'm gonna have to go, Grace. I might come by later.

-Bye!

-Bye, then.

Well, I think this is ready for pouring.

Evelyn should keep that child locked up at home.

GIRL YELLS AND OTHER GIRL LAUGHS

-Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

-LAUGHS

Stop!

That was a good day's work.

I enjoy the satisfaction of doing small things well.

Goodbye, Peggy Tickell!

-Goodbye, Peggy Tickell!

-Oh!

Off already, Mrs Rogers?

Yes. I don't like to overstay my welcome.

I know when I'm wanted. Make it pretty bloody obvious, don't they?

I've spent all day doing their bloody cauliflower.

Joe?

Joe!

-What?

-I want you to do something for me.

-SIGHS

-Can you take these over to Evelyn, please?

-Oh. OK.

-Say thank you to her for me.

"CORONATION STREET" THEME ON TV AND KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, hi, Joe.

I was about to get in the bath.

-Mum asked me to bring these round.

-Come in.

Go through.

-TURNS TV OFF

-I was being a terrible tease earlier on.

-You don't mind, do you?

-Er, no.

-Did you like kissing me?

-Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Would you like to do it again?

You look like you would.

-Yeah.

-Would you, Joe?

-Your mum'd kill me if she found out.

-She wouldn't find out.

I suppose she wouldn't.

Oh, you are very, very naughty.

MOANS

-(OUTSIDE)

-Hey, you two, what's going on?!

Quick, it's Jack! Do your trousers up!

Quickly! Come on! Come on, out! Out, come on!

Get out! Shit, he's back early!

Come here, my beautiful girl!

-What's happened?

-Jesse thumped Jane.

Jesse...you can't go around thumping people, you know.

-She hit me first!

-I did not!

All right, you two, that's enough.

-Hey, Joe, how are you?

-Let me take her.

-No.

-She's fine now.

-Mum asked me to bring some piccalilli over.

-Piccalilli? Lovely!

-Stop for a cuppa?

-Er, no, I've got to get back, take Jesse back.

Well, say thanks to your mum for the piccalilli.

Shall we go and find you some sweeties? Yeah?

How long did God take to make the world?

Er, six days and he rested on the seventh.

He should've taken longer, then he would've done a better job.

I could've done better.

Come on, I'll race you.

TEENAGE BOYS: ..85, 86, 87,

88, 89,

90, 91, 92,

93, 94,

95, 96,

97, 98, 99,

100, 101,

102, 103, 104,

105, 106...

-PANTS

-You bastard!

106 seconds. That's 50 pence you owe me, Hubble.

I hope you die next time.

How come you can do 106 seconds and I can't even do 30?

God-given talent I didn't ask for.

-GASPS

-It's Ruth Davies.

Oi, Ruth, I really wanna fuck you!

If you do, Kevin Hubble, and I ever find out...

-She wants me.

-CHUCKLES

-Oh, this is boring!

-What?

Fuck.

Wotcha, Ruth.

Hi, Joe.

-TUTS

-Shit!

-You look tired.

-Do I?

-Yeah.

Well, I keep dreaming that I can't sleep

and I wake up exhausted.

Fuck! See what you made me do?

I'm gonna go.

See ya.

Do you wanna come?

-What, me?

-Yeah.

OK.

Joe!

-I thought we were going to the pictures.

-Slight change of plan.

Jammy bastard.

DAVID BOWIE: # Oh, the Jean Genie lives on his back

# The Jean Genie loves chimney stacks

# He's outrageous He screams and he bawls

# The Jean Genie Let yourself go-o-o!... #

Who do you like more, Bowie or Roxy?

I can't choose, cos they're both brilliant.

-No, you have to.

-It's impossible to choose.

If you asked me Bowie or Deep Purple,

or Roxy and Black Sabbath, then I could choose,

but not...Bowie and Roxy.

Thanks, but I don't smoke.

Right.

Here, try this on.

So, do you know what this song is about?

Erm...no.

It's about...Jean Genet. He's a French writer.

See, Jean Genie, it's just a clever wordplay.

"He says he's a beautician and sells you nutrition."

That means he's selling drugs.

"The Jean Genie lives on his back." He's a poof.

"The Jean Genie loves chimney stacks." He loves cocaine.

-What?

-He loves chimney stacks.

-What goes up chimneys?

-Smoke.

-And what makes smoke?

-Coal.

Yeah. And coke.

"He's walking on Snow White." It means he's walking on cocaine.

-How do you know that's what he means?

-I read it in NME.

Boots chucked his last girlfriend,

because she couldn't sit through a whole side of a Bowie album.

-He likes Bowie?

-He loves Bowie.

Boots is a nose-picker, the kind of person

who wipes his hand under the seat if there isn't a tissue handy.

Or even if there is.

-How do you know that?

-I'm a good judge of character.

I'm not saying I mind... I'm just saying I know.

ROXY MUSIC: # I would do anything for you... #

Come on, let's get another drink.

# I would swim all the oceans blue

# I would walk a thousand miles

# Reveal my secrets... #

-Red or white?

-(White.)

(Why are you whispering?)

-Relax, there's no-one here.

-Oh.

-Can I have a look around?

-Sure.

-What are you doing?

-This carpet is unbelievable.

-How do you keep it so clean?

-No-one's allowed in this room.

-Oh, sorry.

-I don't care.

You can lay on it all you want.

This feels good.

I read that book...by whatshisname.

-William Burroughs.

-Yeah. Junkie.

-Did you like it?

-No, not really.

-So it's back to The Hobbit, then.

-CHUCKLES

ROXY MUSIC CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND

How fantastic is this song?

How could you choose between Bryan Ferry and David Bowie?

They're gods.

Come on. You do the backing vocals on the next verse.

-What?

-Come on.

OK.

This is what you do.

Think...Roxy girl.

I'm gonna be Bryan.

TURNS VOLUME UP

MIMES: # Shake your hair, girl With your ponytail

# Takes me right back

# When you were young

# Throw your precious gifts into the air

# Watch them fall down

# When you were young

# Lift up your feet and put them on the ground

# You used to walk upon

# When you were young

# Lift up your feet and put them on the ground

# The hills were higher

# When you were young

# Lift up your feet and put them on the ground

# The trees were taller

# When you were young

# Lift up your feet and put them on the ground

# The grass was greener

# When you were young

# Lift up your feet and put them on the ground

# You used to walk upon

# When you were young. #

When will I see you again?

# When will we share precious moments? #

-How about tomorrow?

-OK.

-We could go to the pictures.

-OK.

-I'll meet you at the arcade at seven.

-OK.

-Can I kiss you?

-OK.

Tomorrow, then.

Seven o'clock.

CHOIR: # Hallelujah!

# Hallelujah!

# Hallelujah!

# Hallelujah! #

We're not gonna catch anything if those prats are splashing about.

You never see kestrel any more.

You used to always be able to look up, catch 'em on the wind.

Now you'll be lucky.

Hey, Joe, remember when we used to go fishing with your dad?

He snared hundreds of pikes, Joe's dad. Didn't even use a rod.

He used, like, this old leather bootlace.

He'd see a pike laying in the river bed

and he'd take this old lace and make it into a loop.

He'd hang the loop from a pole and gradually, gradually

just lower it down in front of him. He caught hundreds like that.

-Can you give me a hand?

-< Oi, Joe!

-(MIMICS RUTH)

-"If you do, Kevin Hubble, and I ever find out...!"

"Oh, don't hurt me, Joe! I've never done it before.

"I'm a virgin."

-You're such a moron, Hubble.

-Wanker!

-Hey, you know Erich Conrad's a poof?

-No, he's not.

Yes, he is. He told his brother, and his brother told me.

He realised when he was watching the wrestling on the telly

and he got an erection. ..Hey, Erich Conrad's a poof!

I knew that. He got a hard-on watching the wrestling.

You know Billie Jean King? She's a lesbian.

-Joe's Aunt Peggy's a lezzer.

-No, she's not.

-Why does she look like a bloke, then?

-You're such a fucking retard.

He's trying to fuck me!

-He's trying to fuck me!

-Come back here.

My grandad just visited one of them German concentration camps.

Said it was the most horrible place. Everyone was crying.

Everything there is kept original. He said everyone in Germany

eats twice as much as we do in England. And the men,

they walk around with great big arses on 'em like women.

Old people loved the war. They always cheer up when it's mentioned.

My grandma doesn't like foreigners.

She thinks of Indians and Africans as animals.

When she saw this man in a turban, she said,

"If they're gonna live in this country,

-"they should be forced to wear civilised clothes."

-She's right.

Fucking niggers and Pakis!

-Coming over here, taking our jobs.

-Oh, shut up, Hubble, you prat.

It's boring here. I'm off to the arcade. You coming, Hubble?

No, I'm gonna catch some sun and watch these losers catch a cold.

-All right, then. See you later, mate.

-See you later, mate.

CHORAL MUSIC

YELLS

ALL LAUGH AND CHATTER

-What are you girls up to?

-Oh, hello.

Don't you say hello to me, you horrible girl.

You say, "Good afternoon, Mrs Rogers."

It's heartbreaking the way your mother lets you run wild.

Good afternoon, Mrs Rogers.

These girls shouldn't run wild - they should be at school!

-It's summer holidays, Mrs Rogers.

-Holidays!

There are too many holidays! Holidays.

When I was a girl, we didn't have all these holidays.

We had Christmas holidays, that was all we had.

-I hate her.

-Just ignore her. She's a miserable old lady.

-She murdered her children. She did.

-Did she?

She poisoned them.

Yeah. And then she chopped them up and put the bits in the sea.

Well, you'd better behave then, or she might just do the same to you.

(TUNELESSLY) # I would do anything for you

# I would climb mountains

# I would swim all the oceans blue

# I would walk a thousand miles

# Reveal my secrets

# More than enough for me to share... #

I wish that boy wouldn't sing. He's gonna sour the milk.

Come on, Jane, eat it up. You haven't touched a thing.

-I don't bloody like it.

-Jane, don't swear.

Don't pay her any attention.

She's been swearing like a trooper all week. She's just testing.

You've mixed everything up together. I can't undo it

-and put everything back into piles.

-Just try a little bit.

Nice crop of tomatoes this year.

-Was there anything else you'd like?

-Fishfingers.

-I don't think we've got any.

-A Jehovah's Witness came by today.

Told me that me and my garden, we're gonna go to hell.

Your mum's gonna have to cook you something when you get home.

-I don't think we've got anything you like.

-Hello?!

-Oh, hi! You look nice.

-Do I?

Sit down, I'll give you a cup of tea.

Joe, are you in there?

I'm sorry, I need the loo.

Hi.

Oh, you smell nice.

-Have you got a date?

-Er, yeah.

Come round to my house before you meet your girlfriend.

-I don't...

-(You won't be sorry.)

(Jack's at his mother's.)

RADIO: 'There are warnings of gales in Viking, Forties, Cromarty...'

-Hold on.

-WOLF-WHISTLES

-Let me look at you.

Look at my little Elvis.

Can I go now?

Yeah, go on.

Don't be late.

-Joe?

-I'm late already.

Don't be silly. I won't keep you long.

-Come in.

-But I'm really late.

Just for a minute. Anyway, it's good to keep a girl waiting.

Oh, Joe!

Take your shirt off.

Undo me.

BREATHES HARD

MOANS

Go faster. Go faster, Joe.

Don't worry about Joe, he's always late.

-Seriously, he'll be late for his own funeral.

-CHUCKLES

-TUTS

-Oh.

Go on.

Sorry I'm late. I had to do something for my mum. Couldn't get away.

Do you find this approach usually works?

-What?

-Let me guess.

-You've never tried it before.

-What?

Your neck's covered in love bites!

-You really surprise me, Joe Scott.

-SIGHS

Fuck.

Oh, fuck. SIGHS

Fucking hell. Did Evelyn do that?

-It was Evelyn, wasn't it? What happened?

-Nothing happened.

-What do you mean "nothing happened"?

-Nothing happened!

What are you gonna do about Ruth? Didn't look happy, did she?

You think if I'm out the way, you stand a chance.

-Well, you don't! Not with Ruth!

-Just fucking calm down.

-Hit him!

-Shut up, Chillo!

-You're supposed to be mates!

-Go on, Joe!

Go on!

-Yes, Boots! Go on, mate!

-Come on! What the fuck are you doing?!

-What the fuck are you doing?!

-Get off me!

-If I get off, you'll calm down, yeah?!

-Just get off!

Hit him, Joe!

Fuck off!

You fucking deserved that, Joe!

Looking good, Joe. Looking good.

MECHANICAL LAUGHTER

WIND HOWLS

I like a storm, but this is more than enough.

We can go beachcombing tomorrow.

You always get something good washed up after a storm.

-DOOR BANGS OPEN AND SLAMS

-God!

What's wrong with him?

Have you been in my room?

-I tidied it up.

-Did you enjoy looking through my things?

-I always do(!)

-Just stay out of my room!

DOOR SLAMS

-I don't think his date went very well.

-LAUGHS

Hi, Joe.

-Is something wrong?

-No.

Are you sure?

-Look what you did.

-Did I do that?

-Yeah, you did.

-Well, I didn't mean to.

I didn't know what I was doing. I really didn't mean to.

I didn't, Joe.

It was so amazing, I didn't know what I was doing.

-Really?

-Yeah, really.

Jack's at work...

..if you wanna come back.

"THE CLANGERS" MUSIC ON TV

(Just gotta get Jane out.)

-Come on, out.

-I don't want to go out!

-Out!

-But I don't want to! I want to watch The Clangers!

-If you go out now, I'll buy you an ice cream later.

-I don't want to!

-You will do as I say! Now, get out!

-I hate you!

Yeah, and I hate you too!

SHE SIGHS

BOTH PANT

Thumbs into the hole. Good girl.

OK. That egg.

Break the shell.

Good girl.

Jane!

Jane! Come away!

Come away, Jane!

Jane! It's a mine!

Jane! Jane!

Come away! It's a mine!

Jane!

Peggy! Grace!

Peggy, come here!

Jane, come away!

-It's a mine!

-It's mine!

Jane!

BOTH GASP

Mrs Rogers, are you all right?

-SOBS

-I tried to save her, but I couldn't.

That poor girl.

-That poor wee girl.

-Who?

Who?

I shouted to her, "Come away! Come away!"

Who?

Evelyn's little girl, Jane.

Oh, my God!

I saw her from my window.

Grace, take Jesse back up to the house.

One of them sea mines from the war.

-Er, Mrs Rogers, are you all right?

-Washed up by the storm.

Mrs Rogers, you stay right there. I'm gonna be right back.

-What happened?

-Go take care of Mrs Rogers.

-What happened?

-Just do what I say!

Who will tell Jack?

He already knows. The police phoned him at work.

He'll blame me.

He won't blame you. It's not your fault.

He will. He'll blame me.

He thinks I never loved her.

I'm sure he doesn't think that.

She never liked me...

..not since the day she was born.

She cried every time I held her.

-Evelyn, don't do this to yourself.

-It's true.

I tried, I...I really did,

but...it was almost a physical thing.

I always envied the way your kids were with you.

Of course Jane loved you... it's just kids are strange.

They have funny ways of showing love sometimes.

Can you go now?

-Are you sure? I...

-I wanna be by myself.

-If you're sure. I just...

-Go.

Please.

If you want anything... anything at all...

I want my baby!

WAILS

Bodies used to be kept in the house for 12 days.

Everyone kept the body at home for as long as they could.

They didn't dare part with it, you see.

Now you can't get rid of it quick enough. You see,

they were afraid the corpse might still be alive.

That was the real reason for hanging on to it.

People now have a...postmortem, glory be,

and it's all settled in a minute.

But years ago, there were some folk who got buried alive.

-Have you seen Jesse anywhere?

-Out on the porch.

And Joe, is he ready?

Joe? Joe?

People used to leave an instruction in their will

to have a vein cut, just to be on the safe side.

Come on, Joe. We've gotta be there in ten minutes.

-We can't keep them waiting.

-You go on. I'll be there in a minute.

No, you come with us now. I don't want you to be late.

I don't know why they're having a funeral -

there's no body in the coffin.

It's important to say goodbye. It's a symbol.

-Now, come on.

-I'm not ready! You go! I'll be there in a minute!

This isn't about you, Joe.

This is about Jack and Evelyn...

..and the terrible loss they've suffered.

Please.

Please don't let them down.

SOBS

RINGS BELL

Oh, my God, it's you!

Where's Peggy?

You've been late your whole life, Joe.

I'm sure Ruth'll be touched that you even turned up.

I just can't believe I missed it.

I can't believe you're here at all.

It was a lovely service. And such a turn-out.

They couldn't get everyone in the church.

You should've seen the flowers. More than Lady Di.

Poor Ruth. She saw it happen. Dropped down dead in front of her.

One minute chatting away happily,

the next thing she knew he was dead on the ground.

-Terrible. They said it was an aneurysm.

-SIGHS

Left four kids to bring up on her own.

They're hardly kids. Joe must be 15 now.

Good God, is he really? Seems like yesterday.

Luke, who's 14, Max, who's 12,

and then there's a lovely girl, Angelica, she must be ten.

Boots was a wonderful father.

Hopeless with money, though. In hock up to his eyeballs.

I reckon Ruth will lose the house and the land.

She had no idea how bad things were. Silly man hid it all from her.

She really is in serious trouble.

Thank you.

-Would you like some cake, Joe?

-Mm. Thanks.

SIGHS

So what do you think of Graceland, Joe?

-It's all right, isn't it?

-Thanks to you, Joe.

-I bet Elvis was never as cosy.

-CHUCKLES

ALL CHUCKLE

This is my room.

This is Peggy's.

It took me a while to get used to sleeping in my own room,

but, I must say, I...I quite like it now.

This is yours.

I didn't like to throw anything away.

Good night, dear.

BIRDSONG

-Wakey-wakey!

-Fucking hell.

-Morning.

-Hi, Jesse.

-Oi, bear's breath!

-GROANS SLEEPILY

-So, what are you doing here?

-It's nice to see you too.

Well, it's quite a surprise. There you are.

SIGHS

I'm here for the funeral.

-Oh, if we'd known, we could've put him on ice.

-Ha-ha.

Don't feel bad. Ruth'll be glad you came.

-At least, I think she will.

-You think she will?

Get yourself ready. I'll take you over to see her.

-You think she will?

-It's been a long time.

-It's been a lifetime.

-Welcome home, Joe.

Look, erm...I, erm, I feel really weird about this,

so why don't you go in first and, erm, tell her that I'm here?

I mean, she might not wanna see me.

-She knows you're here, I've told her already.

-And what did she say?

-Not very much.

-She must have said something.

What do you think she's gonna say?

You haven't seen her for 25 years. Do you think she's gonna

get down on her knees and thank God you're back?

She just lost her husband, the man she's loved all her life. Jeez!

This might come as a surprise, but she's not thinking about you.

Christ!

INAUDIBLE

She's at the cemetery. She's collecting the sympathy cards.

When I was a child, I used to think that being brave

meant that you had to take action.

That to have a dream or get forward in life, you needed courage.

But the only thing you need courage for is for standing still.

She's over there.

Well, come on, then. What are you waiting for?

-Aren't you coming?

-No, I'll be over here.

-Hello, Joe.

-Hello, Ruth.

I came for the funeral.

You're a bit late.

Still, it's reassuring to know that...some things never change.

I...I heard it was wonderful. I mean...

Yeah, it was...wonderful.

It was good of you to come.

How are you? SIGHS Fucking stupid question.

-Sorry.

-Yeah.

-I don't know what to say.

-There's nothing to say.

My ears are ringing with sympathy, but it's not...

..it's not gonna bring him back.

He had a rare gift, Joe...

he knew his place in the world.

He found wonder in simple things.

He lived in the moment, like a child.

That's a rare gift in a man.

Do you know what the strangest thing is?

I can't cry.

It's the saddest moment in my life, and I can't cry.

I mean, I wish I could cry.

There must be something wrong with me.

-If there's anything I can do for you, anything you need...

-Oh, no.

I was so afraid to come back.

You were right to leave.

It allowed you to... do what you wanted.

Or maybe what I thought I wanted.

-I should be getting back.

-Yeah. OK. Sure.

-Thanks for coming.

-I'm sorry I was late.

He would have laughed.

-Well...goodbye, then.

-Goodbye, Ruth.

-How was it?

-Weird.

-This is Jane's grave?

-Yep.

And this one is Evelyn's.

-Evelyn died?

-I hope so. She's in trouble if she didn't.

-How did...? Mum didn't tell me.

-Well, there's a story.

She was drawn to trouble like a drunk to the bottle

and if she couldn't find it, she'd make it.

Jesus Christ, you get more like Peggy Tickell every day!

-I'm not like Peggy!

-Just tell me what happened.

Are you wearing make-up?

-Fuck off.

-All right, all right.

Well, soon after Jane died, Jack and Evelyn split up.

He never really got over Jane's death, and the final straw was...

-Do you remember Kevin Hubble?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Jack found Evelyn in bed with him.

-She married him.

-Wow!

Much to her regret. He was a monster.

He made her life a living hell. And she stuck it out for years.

It was as if she felt she deserved it.

He beat her, he tormented her. He was a real bastard.

Anyway, so she finally leaves him, steals his car.

I don't know why, it was a wreck.

Broke down on the motorway, got out and was hit by a lorry.

-Oh, God!

-Her head was chopped straight off.

And the strangest thing was, they never found it.

-Well, what happened to it?

-Well, they thought a fox might've taken it.

They don't know, and I don't suppose they ever will.

There.

-Are you wearing make-up?

-No, I'm not wearing...

Well...it's concealer. SHE LAUGHS

-You are wearing make up!

-Fuck off! HE CHUCKLES

MUSIC: "If There Is Something" by Roxy Music

# I would do anything for you

# I would climb mountains

# I would swim all the oceans blue

# I would walk a thousand miles

# Reveal my secrets

# More than enough for me to share

# I would put roses round our door

# Sit in the garden

# Growing potatoes by the score... #

DIALOGUE DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC

# Shake your hair, girl With your ponytail

# Takes me right back

# When you were young

# Throw your precious gifts into the air

# Watch them fall down

# When you were young

# Lift up your feet and put them on the ground

# You used to walk upon

# When you were young

# Lift up your feet and put them on the ground

# The hills were higher

# When you were young

# Lift up your feet and put them on the ground

# The trees were taller

# When you were young

# Lift up your feet and put them on the ground

# The grass was greener

# When you were young

# Lift up your feet and put them on the ground

# You used to walk upon

# When...you...were...young. #

MUSIC: "It Ain't Easy" by David Bowie

# When you climb to the top of the mountain

# Look out over the sea

# Think about the places perhaps

# Where a young man could be

# Then you jump back down to the rooftops

# Look out over the town

# Think about all of the strange things

# Circulatin' round

# It ain't easy

# It ain't easy

# It ain't easy to get to heaven

# When you're goin' down

# Satisfaction, satisfaction

# Keep me satisfied

# I've got the love of a hoochie-koochie woman

# She's callin' from inside

# She's a-callin' from inside

# Tryin' to get to you

# All the woman really wants

# You can give her somethin', too

# It ain't easy

# It ain't easy

# It ain't easy to get to heaven

# When you're goin' down

# It ain't easy

# It ain't easy

# It ain't easy to get to heaven

# When you're goin' down. #

Subtitles by IMS

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