Is Anybody There?

This programme contains some strong language.

GLASS CHIMES

I'd just like to say thank you, all,

for being here for our first year.

All of our lovely residents all looking so smart.

And for choosing us here at Lark Hall.

And for having a bit of faith in us.

And...merry Christmas.

ALL TOAST AND TALK AT ONCE

CRACKER BANGS LAUGHTER

Well... "When a man grows old and his balls grow cold

"and the tip of his prick turns blue

"When it bends in the middle like a one-stringed fiddle

"He can tell us a tale or two."

What did Father Christmas bring?

I don't believe in him.

I shan't see another Christmas.

Mind you, if I was like her

I'd shove my head in a gas oven.

BLOWS WHISTLE

INHALES DEEPLY

MIMICS

WHEEZES

Mummy!

Mum! What?

I'm busy.

URINE TRICKLES Eugh.

Arnold's dead.

Ooh! WOMAN: Try and be careful.

Can I have my room back now Arnold's dead?

Get in there. No.

But you're getting his sleeping bag when he's finished with it.

HE LAUGHS

Can we have a bit of respect?

Don't go in that room, Eddie.

MEN CHATTER OVER HEADPHONES

I'm not Daley shitting Thompson. Hey, fatty, keep your hair on.

Set?

REWINDS TAPE

I read it in the Daily Express.

90% of small businesses go down the tubes, apparently.

In the first year.

I should stop you reading that paper.

A bloke in Scarborough hung himself in his sporting goods shop.

Yeah, but people don't need sporting goods.

They're always going to get old, aren't they?

It's just teething trouble, Steve.

Kiss, kiss.

TAPE REWINDS

PLAYS TAPE

TAPE HISSES

BREATHES HEAVILY

HEAVY BREATHING ON TAPE

HEAVY BREATHING OVER HEADPHONES

TYRES SCREECH

What the hell do you think you're playing at?

I could have killed you.

Oi! Come here!

HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE

And on Boxing Day, we went to top of Skidby Windmill

and I got badge.

No, you got a badge.

Edward?

On Christmas Day, Arnold Doughty, 90, went blue and died.

So far, there has been no communication from him.

CHILDREN LAUGH

I think I've made a mistake, all right?

Well, just give it a day. Please. No, I'm fine, thank you.

But we've just moved all that in.

Well, I'm moving it back out again.

All right? It's my things, isn't it?

Who is he?

Some gaga old fart Social Services have sent. Lost his wife.

Lives in a camper van. Like Popeye.

Clarence! We can get your stuff just how you like.

You can take as long as you want.

That's not a word. Yes, it is.

"Taxi". You're not playing properly.

Remember your first day at school? It's a bit like that, innit?

Yeah, it IS a bit like that.

The first night's the worst, buddy. Oh! Oh!

I went as mad as her, first couple of nights.

Be quiet! Otherwise the war will start again!

A lot of jabbering simpletons rushing about, wetting themselves.

People you don't know telling you what to do.

I'm off. Hey!

Just give it a go.

This is temporary.

This is only temporary.

OK.

Why doesn't she let him go if he wants to go?

She should do. Then I can move back into my old room.

Oh, you can move back into your old room

if you can pay us 50 quid a week.

WOMAN ON TV: Tonight, haunted houses, ghost-hunting

and the search for life after death.

The most famous ghost hunters and their most famous cases.

And we are...

CHANNEL CHANGES

MOTHER: Hello. Lark Hall. Yeah, just a sec.

Lilian! EDDIE CHANGES CHANNEL

Your daughter is on the phone. Mavis?

Really?

Mavis, oh!

WOMAN ON TV: Did a ghost leave these chilling messages

asking for prayers and...

CLARENCE CHANGES CHANNEL

I wouldn't like to predict that at all, Phil.

What do you want ringing wastefully from Canada, Mavis,

when a stamp costs hardly nothing?

Mum! I want to watch 'Arthur C. Clarke'! Mum!

I've been meaning to ask what you wanted doing with those?

Clarence wants to watch 'One Man and His Dog'.

He's the one who's paying.

You're a naughty girl. It's about ghosts!

We're all naughty girls.

CLANGING Oh, ball bearings!

I wouldn't mind being alone with that one

in a long, dark railway tunnel.

Can I get my wages, Kath? Oh, sorry. Yeah.

Mum! It's very important. It's about recording ghosts!

There's a ghost hunter saying what he does when he wants to hunt them.

Steve! Come here!

Oh, no, I think what you wanted to say is,

"Darling, would you mind coming here if you're not too busy?"

That's what I said. Why can't you watch the TV upstairs?

No, you ordered me to come in there.

The TV upstairs is haunted!

Why don't you do it, then? Please, darling!

Because I came in there last time, dearest.

It doesn't matter. And you didn't come over here last time.

Yes, I did. Why don't you listen?

Sorry, love. Will you sort out the TV for him?

Ena, you've just pinched all these knives and forks again!

Yes, sir.

Arnold's ghost must have got into it when he died.

Arnold's ghost had better things to do than hanging around in a telly.

There, ghosts! Are you happy?

MAN ON TV: Thermometers to detect sudden fluctuations in temperature.

And, strange as it might seem,

one might consider bringing a dog or a cat,

as animals seem to react to supernatural activity.

Animals also provide much-needed company.

MOTORBIKE IDLES OUTSIDE

WOMAN ON TV: Price's methods were thorough and no-nonsense.

Like many scientists of his generation,

he believed that it was only a matter of time before...

What do you think happens when you die, Dad?

Can't imagine it's all that different.

MAN ON TV: ..a dog or cat allowed to roam freely,

but most of all it's imperative for successful investigation

that the entire building be cleared of inhabitants

to allow the ghost hunter to work in controlled conditions

and without interruptions.

TAPE HISSES

STOPS TAPE

COUGHS

Bastards.

Hello, pigeon.

Are you a magician?

No. I'm a retired flasher.

This used to be my room until Arnold came.

Who's he when he's at home?

He's not anybody now. He's dead. He died in that bed.

If you see anything supernatural, do you think you can inform me?

Do you think you can bugger off?

CLATTERING MAN QUACKS

Quack, quack.

Ah!

Wuh...wuh-wuh-wuh...

What? One out!

Give me my ball back!

GLASS SMASHES

Wuh-wuh-wuh...

Come here!

Come here while I kick you!

You think they sent me here to be abused?!

Get stuffed!

This is my house!

HE CRIES

KNOCKS Big hand's at six, little hand's at eight, Eddie!

FIRE ALARM RINGS

SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

(Get out. Clear off.)

THUNDER RUMBLES

Come here, Ena, love! CONFUSED SHOUTING

Never mind making a bid for freedom!

CAT MIAOWS

MAN OVER RADIO: It's all clear. It's a false one.

They are real people, you know. They are not toys!

They were little boys and girls as well once!

I don't WANT to live here!

I want things to be like they were!

I want my room back!

LILIAN: Mark my words!

By the time he's 13, he'll be sniffing glue out of a plastic bag!

Thanks, Lilian(!)

What did you want to say, Edward? What do you want to say?

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

Oh, where are you off to with a grump on?

Go on, get yourself off to school.

Tell Mr Kelly you had to go to the dentist.

Idiots!

Cow!

ENGINE IDLES

Wankerer!

Mummy!

Dad!

LILIAN: Easy way out. Coward's way out.

STEVE: Just, you know, a cry for help. That's all. Classic.

A what? Never mind, big ears.

Don't say, "That's all," Steve.

How could we let him get to that? Poor fella.

We have to cheer this place up a bit.

I'm very sorry for smacking you.

Are you all right?

Come here.

You're very fortunate, you know.

I never met my grandparents.

And my mummy and daddy are too far away for us to see them much.

You've got all these old people around

with all these amazing stories.

It's a privilege.

At least I think it is.

Do you?

Don't be scared of death, love.

It's all right to be sad.

There's no point being scared.

I'm not scared. I just want to know what happens.

WOMAN OVER PA: Dr Singh to Samuel Bailey Ward.

Could Dr Singh go to the Samuel Bailey Ward?

CUTLERY CLATTERS

Nurse!

I thought you might want your stuff.

Draw that curtain round.

And give me my left shoe.

Did you want one? No.

Ta.

EDDIE: Sorry for setting the fire bell off.

Sorry I put a lot of talcum on your floor, and that.

Sorry for not saying sorry when you ran me over.

And that time I chucked dirt on your head.

That's an awful lot of things to be sorry for...at such a young age.

Sorry.

Are you a magician?

I gave it up. Why don't you start again?

Do me a favour.

When you...

Did...

Did you see any kind of bright white light?

Or a tunnel with Jesus at the end?

As a matter of fact, I did.

And then this cross-eyed little Herbert turned up

and yanked me back out.

That's what you should be saying sorry for.

# That certain night

# The night we met

# There was magic abroad

# In the air

# There were angels dining

# At the Ritz

# And a nightingale sang

# In Berkeley Square... #

Can someone inform me what the hell you think you're playing at?

I'm stuck up here on my own with nothing to keep my trousers up with!

Welcome home.

You know, if I want to top myself...

..I can jump out the window.

DOOR SLAMS

HE MOUTHS

SOAP OPERA PLAYS ON TV

POPS BUBBLE WRAP

HE SNORES

HE SNIFFLES

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

Forget it.

How much did that cost?

You can't put a price on looking good, chucklebum.

How much is 'looking stupid'?

Nice 'do, Stevie.

CLATTERING

You want to watch where you're going.

Is this your grand passion?

Yeah. But I'm not supposed to.

They're all pictures of ghosts.

When they took that, there was no-one there.

Apart from that bloke.

MAN SHOUTS ANGRILY

What's his problem? Who?

Flash Gordon.

He was in a war. Oh.

What about the others?

Lilian's a bit miserable, she trumps a lot. Reg gets drunk.

Elsie used to be a dancing teacher, but now she's got a plastic leg.

Prudence tears up toilet paper.

Ena thinks she's still the King's housemaid

and she can't stop stealing stuff.

Clive's had a stroke, so the only thing he can say is, "One out."

"Rage...

"Rage against the dying of the light."

JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS

# The wheels on the bus go round and round

# Round and round round and round

# The wheels on the bus go round and round

# All day long... #

WOMAN: They do go round and round, don't they?

WOMAN 2: Sometimes.

# The dogs on the bus go woof, woof, woof

# Woof, woof, woof woof, woof, woof

# The dogs on the bus go woof, woof, woof... #

Jesus Christ Almighty! # All day long

MAN: # All day long

# The babies on the bus go waa-waa-waa

# Waa-waa-waa, waa-waa-waa... #

I can't put the two things together.

Lived on my own...

Well, myself and the Mrs.

You live on your own all your life,

and then they think it's a great idea

to shove you together with a load of strangers.

And what do the mummies on the bus say? Anyone?

"Screw this," if they've got any sense.

Everybody all right? WOMAN: Yes, thank you.

Nice to see you, Clarence.

# The mummies on the bus say "Hush-hush-hush

# "Hush-hush-hush... # Oh, God.

I know something that would cheer you up.

CLARENCE: You've got to be bleeding kidding!

Have one of your beers. I want to show you something.

Are you interested in ghosts? No, not in the slightest.

I am. So I gathered.

I'm trying to catch them on tape.

Where are you going? There's nothing in it, you know? It's all a lot of bollocks. No, it's not.

It is.

"Samuel Peet - not dead, only sleeping."

He's going to be pissed off when he wakes up.

This is going to bring my piles down.

I need a coin.

Now you have to dance around it a hundred times.

Their hand comes out and you can ask it questions. Come on.

One...

..two...

..98...

What's happening? Nothing much.

99...

..100.

I mean, there's lots of different ways to contact them.

Seances and Ouija boards.

And, like, you can stand in front of a mirror, right,

and say someone's name again and again and again,

and then they'll appear.

Does this apply to anyone?

No, you have to be dead.

Is that your wife?

She looks like Dame Edna.

Shut up.

And now it's good night from me.

And it's good night from him. BOTH: Good night.

Good night!

CLARENCE: Good night, sweet ladies.

Thanks for the mystery tour. I'm not that bothered, in the future.

My name's Edward.

Mine's Clarence.

MUSIC: I'm In The Mood For Love by Vera Lynn

Annie.

Annie.

Annie?

Annie.

Annie!

Annie.

Annie.

Annie?

Annie.

Right, I'm knocking off.

That's a good idea. I'm off down the Ship.

Do you mind if I get changed in here?

In, uh...

Did you see Top of the Pops last night?

Oh, no, I don't watch it.

Who was on?

No, I don't watch it neither. No.

SHE LAUGHS

Are you still with Mike, or...?

Oh, no, I packed him in.

I mean, we're both going away soon, so...

University? That's it.

I wish I'd gone sometimes.

I failed my Geography A-level.

I didn't realise there was another question on the back of the page.

I finished half an hour before everybody else

and I'm sitting there, thinking, "They're bloody slow!"

SHE LAUGHS

Do you want a lift, or anything?

Um...yeah, if you like.

Great. I'll just get me jacket on.

DOOR OPENS

Ooh, you smell like a tart's window box, Steve! What have you got on?

Oh, uh, just something I were bought for Christmas, you know.

TAPE HISSES

This is what I've got to look forward to, is it?

STOPS TAPE

Can't you find something more constructive to do?

Learn a skill?

I only want to know what happens.

What happens is...is you think the last thought you're ever going to think

and then whatever it was that used to be you, just goes.

Christ, it'd be lovely! I've got lots of things I'd like to say.

But the curtains come down, unfortunately.

That's horrible!

It can't just be black! Don't take the piss! It can't just be black!

Are you waiting for someone?

Yes, a little lad.

BELL RINGS

Your grandson, is he?

No.

Just a little lad.

CHILDREN SHOUT

BOY: Gaylord!

You don't have to come and get me.

Don't you want a game? It's nice weather for one.

I don't like football.

I was wondering if you might accompany me on an expedition?

EDDIE FLICKS SWITCH

The bulb's broken.

Doesn't matter. The darker, the better.

Now, for those of you...

..who have never before sat in a seance,

there is absolutely nothing to be fearful of.

Ghosts are very friendly sorts.

They like a nice chinwag.

But they're very scared of loud noises

and sudden movements,

which is the reason why they're very rarely to be sighted

in discos and wrestling matches, for example.

You shouldn't joke. It'll make 'em vengeful.

Spirits, please accept my mortal apologies.

Now...who are we hoping to contact tonight?

Anyone. OK, we'll try for anyone.

Is there anybody there?

Is there anybody there?

Is there anybody there?

BANG

Is someone in here?

BANG

Who is it? Arnold?

BANG BANG

Someone else?

BANG Who?

It's "yes or no" questions only, I think.

Is there life after death?

BANG

What's it like? Is it nice?

BANG Are there any ghosts in this house?

SCREWS RATTLE HE GASPS

Are there any nice ghosts in this house that don't want to scare anyone

or cause any bother, or nothing?

BANG

Yeah.

STEVE AND KATH: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Edward

# Happy birthday to you! #

Hey. Good morning! Good morning.

MOTORBIKE APPROACHES

Do you like it? Yeah.

Thanks.

I'm, uh...going to have a shave.

MOTORBIKE DRIVES OFF

Can I have a kiss, please? Thank you.

It's a special and glorious day today.

Yeah. Canada's a country.

And my big God-bothering girl Mavis

is coming from there to see me today!

With her husband who's got a plate in his head.

Of course, she's not a girl now, little man.

She's 66 years old. I'm 11!

Well, she's six times better than you are, isn't she?

COUGHS VIOLENTLY

THUD

KATH: Steve!

STEVE: What? Come here!

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Oh, fantastic(!) CAR APPROACHES

DOOR BELL RINGS

Someone answer the door!

MUSIC PLAYS ON HEADPHONES

Who do you think you are, then?

Lord and Lady Aggleshite?

Tradesman's entrance!

Well, shake a leg!

Up! I've got her. I've got her.

Mum!

Happy birthday, mate! Back to your room! Quick smart!

Is she dead?! No. No, she's fine. She's fine.

No. THUD

CLARENCE: What's all the fuss about?

She's had it. She's only just died!

Now stop that. Stop what you're doing!

AIR RUSHES

KATH: She's just in her room with her things.

It's hard to know what to say.

Eddie, I'm worried this is how the Yorkshire Ripper must have started.

Oh, Steve, he's not going to end up like the Yorkshire Ripper!

What's wrong with playing with your Lego? Why are you so bloody morbid?

Cos I live here! We are doing our best!

We used to go away for the day on my birthday.

Oh, Eddie.

That doesn't entitle you to do whatever you bloody like!

I heard Lilian's ghost. It went... HE GROANS

And I was too thick to turn the tape on.

Yeah, that's the sound it makes.

It's the air passing over the vocal cords as it comes out of the lungs.

No, it's not.

Can we do another seance?

The proper reaction is to mourn

and to celebrate their achievements as human beings,

and then try to move on, not stick a microphone up their nose!

I used to have a room with Paddington Bear wallpaper.

Yeah, well, I used to have a beautiful wife and all my own teeth.

Your life changes, buster. And not always for the better.

You accumulate regrets and they stick to you like old bruises.

Sorry.

Many happy returns of the day.

I'll teach you a few tricks.

I'll do you a magic show.

And you can rub out all of today.

And you can ask your pals.

I don't want a party.

Join hands and make contact with the living, son!

You've got to keep it hidden, you see?

Keep it in the knuckles. Go on.

You're lucky. You're still flexible.

Go on.

Now make it disappear.

Go on!

HE LAUGHS

Pick it up.

Start again.

It doesn't start until September, does it?

Tanya!

God Almighty! Poor bunch of pricks!

Go on, ask him.

Ask him about your party.

Good afternoon, Bob. I don't understand.

It doesn't take five months to pack!

Tragic, isn't it?

What were her achievements, then?

What was she like?

She was a manipulative,

passive-aggressive

unkind old asshole.

CLARENCE: # Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye

# Cheerio, here I go

# On my way... #

Tanya's resigned!

Can you believe that? She's what?

Can I have a birthday party, Mum? I know I was a prick.

Where did you pick up language like that?

Did she give any details?

I want a magic show. Eddie, you were a naughty boy.

Oh, go on. Hello? Details. Mum!

Eddie, will you just get off our backs for one minute?!

We've got this wake going on. That's enough to deal with you!

# Till we meet once again, you and I

# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye... #

Maybe we should have a wee dance?

The dancers have all gone under the hill, my dear.

# With a cheer, not a tear Make it gay... #

Oh, go on, then.

It'll do you good to have some other kids around.

She must have said something about why.

I don't know what you're so upset about. It's me who'll cop for the extra work.

Oh, yeah...cos I do sod all around here, don't I(?`

You know, sometimes I wish we did go bloody bankrupt!

# Till we meet once again, you and I

# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye. #

Find the Lady. 5 will get you 10, 10 will get you 20. Put your money in.

Where is it?

No. There she is.

HE LAUGHS

It's not so bad here, is it, eh? BOTH: No.

And the vicar says...

.."Madam, this is a ladies' bike,

"it doesn't have a crossbar."

He GROWLS

You see...

..she's thought she was sitting on the crossbar

all the way from Keighley.

But it was his stiffy. Yeah.

Everyone all right? ALL: Yeah.

Fucking Christians.

You used two panes of very polished glass for Pepper's ghost

at an angle like that, yeah?

Annie lies there. Well, your assistant.

You've had this. What?

You've already had this week's, buddy. It's only Tuesday.

I do not believe that I have already had this week's.

Don't ya? No, sunshine, I don't.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Bugger off.

It can just be very small-scale.

It could just be me and you.

What could? My birthday party.

I have been trying to draw you out of yourself for a bit,

in case you hadn't twigged on.

God, what's the worst that could happen?

Kids eat some cake, we lift the grim bloody pallor of mortality

for a few glorious moments.

OK. This one.

Got. Got.

Need. Oi.

What?

Have we got PE? Of course we have, spastic.

Hey.

Shit!

CHILDREN LAUGH

Whoa.

BOY: Wicked. The light is on!

The light is on!

CLARENCE: You've got to flex it between your knuckles.

Don't drop it.

Flex it in your whatnots.

Bleedin' hell.

You've got to practise, you know.

Have you been prac...?

Give us your whatsits.

Doodah there.

You're not going to leave, are you?

Why do you write so much on your arms?

STARTS ENGINE

Shall we go and get some magical items for your party?

CLARENCE AND EDDIE: # Don't jump off the roof, Dad

# You'll make a big hole in the yard

# Mother's just planted petunias

# The weeding and seeding was hard

# If you must end it all, Dad

# Why don't you give us a break?

# Take a walk in the park, Dad

# And there you can jump in the lake. #

HORNS HONK

CLARENCE: Oops-a-daisy.

This is where we are, then.

Find some items to make your party go with a swing.

FLICKS SWITCH

It's funny. You spend your life accumulating stuff,

and then you can't find anywhere to put it.

Imagine that.

Imagine all the money I've spent.

All the bloody work I've done.

There.

I had a fine woman, you know.

She was very artistic.

Very gentle.

We were very happy.

What's this do?

Tells the time. Is it magic?

No, it's a grandfather clock.

You've got to give 'em the patter.

Otherwise they'll latch on to you.

What's patter? She was very good at that as well.

She used to help me write my little funny lines.

I met her at Euston Station.

Well, I saw her.

She passed me by, I went after her.

I had a 10-bob note in my pocket.

You don't see them any more. They were red.

So, I took it out and I said, "Excuse my intrusion, Miss,

"but I think you might have dropped this."

And she said, "Oh, gosh, I did. Thank you."

So, I took her to Lyons Corner House.

We had a long bun,

as it were.

And that, as they say, was that.

Oh, God.

I haven't the faintest idea why they scrapped it.

Tanners, florins, shillings.

You don't know what change you're getting nowadays.

And, uh...

..and...

..uh...

Where is this?

WIPERS SQUEAK

TYRES SCREECH, HORNS HONK Clarence!

TYRES SCREECH

Patter. What?

Misdirection. Clarence, you're going the wrong...

Clarence! TYRES SCREECH

HORN HONKS

CRASH

CLARENCE: Sorry, I...

EDDIE: # Don't jump off the roof, Dad

# You'll make a big hole in the yard. #

MAN: You shouldn't be driving, pal.

HE SLAMS DOOR

Are you OK?

When I was a nipper...

..I used to...

I remember looking up, lying on my back...

..and looking up at the stars...

..and thinking, "What a great, big university it is."

Universe.

And all them stars, well, yeah, now...

..they're very, very small.

It's all shut up shop,

and the stars, you know, they don't whatnot.

And the whole bloody thing...

..has ended up on little...

..me.

You can take it to a garage.

What?

Oh.

ENGINE FAILS TO START

You see, when you die then you come back to life.

You know, actually,

you're born again

then you die again,

and afterwards you come back to life.

Sounds exhausting.

I want to come back as an animal.

A rabbit or a badger, or something.

I like badgers. What's so good about badgers?

Well, I like badgers because they're bad-tempered and they look good.

And you can make sporrans out of badgers.

But if you came back as a person you get a chance to put it right again.

Let me tell you a secret.

Being a person is a pain in the arse.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

Clarence. What?

If you die will you come back and see me?

Jesus wept!

Chuck that thing away.

Chuck it...chuck it away!

Chuck my bloody tricks away.

HE GROANS

What did you do that for?

Oh, I'm pissing against the wind. I'm drenching my mackintosh.

You don't come back, son!

Once they've gone you can't talk to them!

If I could just say to her I'm sorry...

If I could tell her I was bloody sorry...

..what a difference that would make.

She's dead, son!

She divorced me. Who?

Annie.

I-I wouldn't settle down, I couldn't keep it in my trousers,

you know what I mean?

I was a good-looking fella.

Then one day I came back home

and she'd...

Many years later I got a letter saying that she'd...

I was too late for her bloody funeral!

HE SOBS

I've never even seen her grave!

It's hard to get this far

and realise there's absolutely bloody nothing.

You said you were happy.

Who's happy?

We could do another seance.

Don't be retarded. I made it up, I did it all for your benefit.

What?! Oh, sod off.

I want to be by myself. Clear your own stuff up!

I will!

Badgers are stupid!

Ooh! Sorry.

Cooee. Are you getting your rabbit in your hat?

No, I'm shoving it up your bum.

REWINDS TAPE

Makes you think, doesn't it?

No.

I wasn't really thinking about anything very much.

I was thinking about having my dinner.

HE SIGHS

No, I mean about

life being too short, all that balls.

What's the matter, Stevie?

Kath and I, you know, we used to have an awful lot of fun.

It just seems to escape you.

Oh, Christ, Tanya, don't go to university.

Eh? Stay here, we could date. Whoa.

What? Do you think I'm attractive?

Hold your horses, Stevie. I'm 18 years old.

I know. It's fantastic. Yeah, and what are you?

Like, 45? No, I'm 39.

Going on bloody geriatric.

KNOCK AT DOOR STOPS TAPE

CLARENCE: Are you there?

I'm thinking of doing the card-finding duck.

Go away!

Well, it takes two people.

Tough titty!

I don't want any bloody magic!

TEACHER: Right, Ranjit - who in the previous book was called John -

has got six marbles.

Zulema - who used to be Samantha - has got 12.

And Keith, thank goodness, has got four.

What percentage of the bag does each one have?

Five minutes.

BOY: I don't want to! Now, pack it in, the both of you.

Have some manners. But it's an old folks' homo.

ELECTRIC MOTOR WHIRRS Good God, what's that smell?

BOY 2: Eugh, it's wee!

No wonder he's a complete weirdo.

GUESTS: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Edward

# Happy birthday to you. #

ALL CHEER

Go on, make a wish. Quickly, before that senile old bat.

ALL LAUGH

MUSIC: Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners

HE LIP-SYNCS

RECORD SCRATCHES Carry on, carry on, carry on!

Let me do it. No, I am perfectly capable.

RECORD SCRATCHES AND STOPS Him! He's out! He moved!

I've been moving without a break since 1917.

I can't do anything else.

SONG RESUMES

Get up, you.

Reg the hare.

Get up. Get up!

Oh!

Now move.

HE LIP-SYNCS

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Can you do your magic show?

What?

Are you sure?

Have you got any kids?

KATH: Now, then, ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

please put your hands together for the Amazing Clarence!

CHEERS

Thank you.

I'm not the sort of magician who drags you through endless mysteries.

I'm pretty straightforward.

And I don't do card tricks.

AUDIENCE GROANS

AUDIENCE GASPS

Well, maybe one or two.

Would you take a card for me, please?

Any card. Any card.

Thank you. Look at it.

Don't tell me what it is.

No, no, no, no, no, don't tell me. Don't tell me. Don't.

Put it back.

I have a friend who will do that for me.

Ronald the card-finding duck. WOMAN: Duck?

He is going to find your card for you.

HE LAUGHS

Quack, quack.

Can I have another brave volunteer, please?

Hey. You.

Another volunteer. Come on.

Come on. Who? Who?

You, sir? No. No, no, no. Absolutely not. No, no.

APPLAUSE

They'd sit knitting and eating frogs...

..and watching people having their heads cut off.

AUDIENCE GASPS

AUDIENCE GASPS

Unfortunately, they found that the guillotine

was susceptible to the power of raspberries.

They found that if you got enough people to blow raspberries

the blade would be diverted from its fatal course.

Which is why...I need your help, OK?

Let's have a dry run.

All set?

ALL INHALE DEEPLY AND BLOW RASPBERRIES

OK.

I think we're ready.

Blow.

ALL BLOW RASPBERRIES

SCREAMS

SCREAMS HUBBUB

I've wrapped it in a bag of peas. MAN: Thanks.

Oh, oh. No, no, no, son. Come on. Let go!

Any other medication? Yes.

I'm on pills for me...

Well, I'll be buggered.

Don't put your finger in it.

One out.

WHISTLES 'PACK UP YOUR TROUBLES IN YOUR OLD KITBAG'

Did you have any?

It's gone crusty.

Go on. Why don't you have some, eh?

Get this candle lit. I don't WANT any.

Have some cake.

What's the matter? I live in an old people's home!

I live in an old people's home as well. It's not easy for anybody.

You realise this will now be where you send your elderly loved ones

to have bits of them chopped off?

It was an accident! Why do you always stick up for him?

He's not your granddad, Eddie. I wish he was my dad!

Oh, aye. Well, he's going senile.

Haven't you noticed?

So you'll just have to settle for Mr Knobhead here.

KATH: Why'd you have to say that?

He'd have found out sooner or later. Let me go!

Eddie...

..some people don't die just like that, you know, not like Lilian.

Some people, they take a bit longer.

You know, they fade. I know what "senile" is!

There's still Daddy and me, love.

We are NOT going to fade away. Yes, you are!

You are! Eddie, look, they're just clients.

You shouldn't get so involved. What about you?!

What? Getting involved!

PLAYS TAPE

STEVE: Oh, Christ, Tanya, don't go to university.

Eh? Stay here, we could date. TANYA: Whoa.

What? Do you think I'm attractive?

Hold your horses, Stevie. I'm 18 years old.

I know. It's fantastic. Yeah, and what are you?

Like, 45? No, I'm 39.

Going on bloody geriatric.

You don't want to have an affair with me, Steve.

I can't support my family.

I'm a rotten bloody father, a terrible husband,

and nobody but you has a single bloody second for me.

You're like a breath of fresh air, Tanya.

And I think I love ya.

I do.

EDDIE STOPS TAPE

KATH AND STEVE ARGUE IN DISTANCE

I have never been unfaithful to you. Not in 15 years!

You just undermine me, Steve.

All the time. You never do anything other than complain.

It's exhausting!

Why don't you just go? Oh, come on!

I'm sick of it. Go!

ENGINE STARTS

CAR DRIVES OFF

There.

Oh.

Oh, you look nice in that tie, Reggie.

Thank you.

But you never have it quite straight, do you?

No? No?

We've got to straighten you out a bit in general, haven't we?

Yes. I suppose so, yes.

SHE LAUGHS

Come along.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

It's half-eight, love.

Come on, get up.

I want to talk.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Edward?

Eddie?

BOY: On Sunday we went to Edward's birthday party.

There were a wizard who cut an old man's finger off.

It were extremely wicked.

An old person and a young person, please.

?1.80.

That's a lot of ready cash.

He's my granddad.

Are you? Well, possibly.

There have been many women.

When are we going home, then? Eh?

Come on.

I want to be where my stuff is.

Come here!

Oi! Come here!

Come here!

That was a cheap bloody trick. Pull the red what-d'ye-m'-call-it.

Too late, we're going.

Pull the what-d'ye-m'-call-it.

I'll pull it if you tell me what it's called.

Well, I know it's red.

What's a divorce like? What?

A divorce. A bit tricky, I should think.

Come on.

Is it still there?

What?

Is it? What's the matter?

Is the, uh... is the ground still there?

Look, ground, sky. Ground.

Ow!

Oi! Concentrate!

Any danger of a cup of tea and a pork pie?

Did I already ask that?

Thank you.

Stay here.

My name is Clarence Parkinson.

And England is my nation.

My teacher's name is Mr Scott.

And Christ is my...salvation.

Clarence!

Come here!

That's the same name as my Mrs.

I know.

Oh...no.

Oh, God.

Sod off.

Sod off.

Sod off.

EMOTIONALLY: Oh, sod off.

Sod off.

Put them down, then.

Put them down.

Get it off your... Don't.

Don't.

You've spoilt them.

Yeah.

I've spoilt...all these nice... flowers, haven't I?

It's all right.

You know what they're going to say on my gravestone.

"Here lies Clarence B. Parkinson.

"He was born, he effed it up, and then he died."

What's your name?

Eh? Edward.

Edward...things aren't exactly...

..as they ought to be.

Have you any idea what it is?

There's something the matter.

The name on that gravestone...

..is the same name as my wife.

Leave it. I'm going to go call my mum.

STEVE: You know, today's the first time

we've spent more than half an hour with each other

without a bloody fogey or shitty arse

or liquidised bloody carrots getting in the way...

..for a year.

Because our kid's run off

because he hates us so much because of what we do.

That isn't...

What we do is good.

We didn't go to university, Steve.

You asked me to marry you.

We had a baby.

Do you remember how much we...

Do you remember how hard we tried for him?

Yeah.

That was the journey we decided to make.

And there might be a few less dates...

..and I might end up looking like my mother, but...

I'm sorry.

It's not that way, love. What?

It's just over here. Come on. I thought I was outside.

You come with me. That's it.

I mean, you argue with your mates sometimes, right?

And obviously your mum and me sometimes...

HE SIGHS

I can be a grumpy bum.

It's no fault of yours, love.

It's just...

Are you not going to live at home?

I don't know.

Hey, but you must never think, ever...

..that you're not absolutely the most important thing in the world

to your mum and me.

Do you understand?

When's he going to die?

We'll look after him.

Just like we look after everybody.

I'm a little bit bored with you men and your problems at the moment, Edward.

Sometimes you just have to learn to let things go.

I know.

Hmm!

There you are.

Where have you been? Go back to sleep.

I've been looking for you all over the damn place.

Oh, God, help us. There's another one here.

Another wild and woolly one who can't cope with himself.

Annie...

..I'm sorry, pigeon.

That's all I wanted to say. Just tell you that I'm sorry.

I got distracted.

If I had my time over again...

If I had it again... Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

Annie... I forgive you.

I forgive you.

Marty, I'm going to be very sad to see you go.

You've really made a difference in my life.

You've given me something to shoot for.

Just knowing that I'm going to be around to see 1985.

That I'm going to succeed in this.

That I'm going to have a chance to travel through time.

It's going to be really hard waiting 30 years

before I can talk to you about everything that's happened in the past few days.

I'm really going to miss you, Marty.

MARTY: I'm really going to miss you.

Ace one, wasn't it?

That one was magic. Hey, did you like the bit with the skateboard?

I was there too.

Oh, no. Are you sure?

Yep. Are you coming in?

Oh, a couple of minutes can't hurt.

Hey, but you did like it, though, didn't you?

It was good, Dad!

Can I have a word? Most assuredly.

With him.

CLARENCE: Getting to be spring outside again, innit?

EDDIE: It's October.

The leaves are looking very nice on the, uh...uh...

..the large plants you get in the garden.

Trees.

You're not doing that trick right.

You've got to give it some patter. Words.

Why don't you just...

What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head? Russell.

What do you call a man with a licence plate on his head? Reg.

And a man with a car on his head? Seatbelt?

Good lad.

Can I have my fiver now? Your what?

You said you'd give me a fiver if I got it right.

What a load of bollocks.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

Ready for me offing? Where are we going?

Pictures.

Ta-ta for now.

DOOR CLOSES

HE STOPS TAPE

I was wondering whether you wanted to move back into your old room.

I'm OK where I am.

He was some magician, wasn't he?

Oh.

BOY: Beckenbauer.

BOYS LAUGH

Oh, yeah? He shoots, he scores!

Come on, then! Pass it.

One out! HE LAUGHS

Keegan!

Beckenbauer!

Throw it in!

HE GRUNTS

Nice one, old man.

BADGER GROWLS

Come on. One out!

Oh, look!

Abracadabra.

Ooh.

EDDIE: Where are you going?

Out.

That's all.

You never go out.

Well...things are different now, aren't they?

Why do you have to put make-up on?

Because...

Oh, I don't know.

It makes you feel a bit more human.

SPRAYS PERFUME You look like a vampire.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Cheers, big ears.

You look nice!

Hiya. Are you ready?

Yeah.

ELECTRIC MOTOR WHIRRS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd