Awaydays

This programme contains prolonged violent scenes and very strong language.

(BIRDS TWEETING)

-(SIGHS)

-Are you ready, Dad?

-Yeah.

-I'll catch you up.

-OK.

-Sorry, Mum.

-# "Young Savage" - Ultravox

# The Jekyll-Hyde of you I can't survive the tide of you

# The vicious style of love The whining

# Pits and pendulums of lying

# Sneaky features, facing, waiting City sex is so frustrating

# Young savage, young savage

# She's like a steel wall Speaks like a dance hall

# Young savage, young savage

# Anything goes Where no-one knows your name

# The mirror love of vixens Gets over the mask of victims

# Money rents you insulation Tenderness, asphyxiation

# Someone else's flesh to borrow Sling it from your bed tomorrow

# Live too fast for love or sorrow Look behind the face, it's hollow

# Young savage, young savage

# She's like a steel wall Speaks like a dance hall

# Young savage, young savage

# Anything goes Where no-one knows your name

# Oh, young savage, young savage

# She's like a steel wall Speaks like a dance hall

# Young savage, young savage

# Anything goes Where no-one knows you

# Young savage, young savage

# She's like a steel wall Speaks like a dance hall

# Young savage, young savage

# Anything goes Where no-one knows your name. #

-(LIVERPUDLIANS CHATTING)

-I can't wait to get into these today, boys.

-What the fuck is Robbie doing?

-Don't be tight.

Yeah, eh, boys? Get some gear in there, will you?

-Got my fucking kung fu kit.

-Marty!

-Fuck's that, you beaut?

-Do one, you. Prescription only, this gear.

Sent me granddad to his box.

Fucking good swill. Get you right out of your tree, that will, lad.

Baby.

(LAUGHTER) Are you going soft, Baby lad?

We wanna be able to drink it. Tastes like fucking granny minge, that.

You'd fucking know, you sick cunt.

'How long had I been waiting for this day?'

'How long had I wanted this?'

You can sack that, lad.

Need to keep your wits about you, where we're going.

You know the score, John. Pack punch, it puts a tiger in our tank.

What for? We're not fucking Geordies.

Need to keep your wits about you, Billy la, stay sharp. it down.

-Who's that cunt?

-Carty. My name's Carty.

Tell you what, Carty, you best fucking stand.

Got no room for runners in this firm, son.

Know where you are. Now fuck off.

-Think he's with Elvis, like.

-Where is Elvis?

-Fuck knows.

Owlroodi-doodi, Cartykins!

How's the old arse bearing up?

Dear me, Cartypants! Where will it end, eh? Where will it end?

(CARTY) 'Where did it start?'

(PUNCHING / SHOUTING)

(ALL SHOUT)

Aaah! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

(MAN) All right, coming through.

-Fuck are you staring at?

-Nothing.

-That's right, knobhead.

You never seen fuck all, get me?

Ponce.

-Who's that young buck?

-No-one.

-Here.

-Cheers.

-So? What do you reckon?

-You look like Dad.

-(TUTS) This is what they wear.

-Who do? The local anglers' club?

The Pack.

-Fuck you staring at, you prick?

-Nothing.

-What the fuck are you looking at?

-Come 'ead, Baby, leave him.

This cunt fucking wants it.

Look at the twat. What the fuck you wearing that jacket for, lad?

-Everybody wears 'em.

-You don't, you tit.

-Give us your jacket.

-No.

I'm not messing, lad. Give us your fucking jacket now.

Your mates are gone.

Next time, lad.

Oi! Wait up!

# "All That Jazz" - The Rascals

-Hi, Dora. Busy night?

-No, it's still early.

# No matter how I shake my fist I know I can't resist it

# No matter how you shake your fist You know you can't resist it

(GUITAR SOLO)

(ALL PLAY ROCK MUSIC)

# See you at the barricades, babe

# See you when the lights go low, Joe

# Hear you when the wheels turn round

# Some day when the sky turns black #

(CHEERING / WHISTLING)

-What d'you reckon to that, then?

-Sound, that.

You all right? All right, mate. Know your face, like.

You go the game, don't you? That was sound, that, mate. Nice one.

-Oh, yeah?

-So can I get you boys a bevvy, then?

Listen, I'm gonna have to get off, help the lads with the gear.

-How come you know him, like?

-I don't really know him. Bit of a tit.

Joking, aren't you? Fucking cool dude, him, la.

Used to go to college with him. Not college. Art school, like.

You went to art school? Jammy twat. They turned me down, like.

But don't get me wrong, they loved me work. The quallies fucked it up.

Mate, you didn't miss much. Just a bunch of divvies in raincoats.

That's what I wanted to be, a divvy in a raincoat.

-Anyway, Elvis.

-Carty. I'm Carty.

-So, what you drinking, Carty la?

-Right, sound, mate.

-I'll have a rum and black, thanks.

-Rum and black, eh?

Think I'll have one of them.

Wrong trainies, like.

Excuse me.

-Ta.

-So, I mean...

how come you was on the gezzy, like?

They're my mates from art school, aren't they?

The lads I knock around with...

-The Pack?

-You what?

The Pack. I seen you, remember?

That weren't me, mate.

B-But that fight at the footy...

That weren't me.

Look, Carty.

They're baddies, that lot. Yeah? Take it from me.

Nice lad like you doesn't want to be playing with naughty boys like that.

Trust me.

# "Just For A Moment" - Ultravox

-Come 'ead.

-Fucking lemon.

# Listening to the music The machines make

# I let my heart break

# Just for a moment

# Listening to the music The machines make

# I felt the floor change

Here you are, lad! Fucking hell, lad!

# We'll never leave here, never

# Let's stay in here for ever

# And when the streets are quiet

# We'll walk out in the silence... #

-What the fuck are you doing?

-(CHUCKLES)

-It's fucking gorgeous, that.

-What?

-The sea, you div.

-I'd love to get off, I would.

-Where?

-Anywheres. Berlin.

-Berlin?

Just... Just anywhere.

Out of here.

Out of this.

Wouldn't you?

Big sky, man.

I'm serious. 'New Dawn Fades' on low, noose around the neck.

-Off we jolly well pop. Well, this is me, mate.

-All right.

-Have you got far to go?

-Nah, just down the road.

Big sky, man.

(CARTY) 'I was in with Elvis. Elvis and the Pack.'

-(SHOUTING)

-Oi, fags, man. Fucking sound, get me?

(SHOUTING/SWEARING)

(SHOUTING)

Oi! You dickhead!

(CHEERING)

-That's in!

-(EXCITED CHATTER)

Shit.

-Arlrood.

-All right. All the lads here. Any Huddersfield?

-Not yet, like, no.

-Be a scrap later, though, yeah?

-Look, mate, I've grown out of all that shit.

-Looks like it and all.

-Have you told the Pack you've jibbed 'em?

-It's different for me.

-I know it is.

-Look, I mean it, kidda.

They're a gang of pricks. Just look at Godden. Look at him!

Do you know how old that cunt is? He's fuckin' 30.

The cunt's got about six kids, and he's organising the Pack

-like he's still in the fucking army.

-Just let me stand with you.

-No, mate, I can't. I'm sorry.

-Why not?

-Because, my friend, they won't let you.

-How come, like?

Because they don't fucking know you. That's how come.

Tell you what, though. You doing anything tomorrow?

Do you want to go to Probe?

-You want to go to Probe?

-Deffo.

Mooch around town, just you and me. Be a laugh.

-OK.

-Sound.

I'll meet you outside at 2:00.

(MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC)

-Owlroodi-doodi, Cartykins.

-I was about to do one then.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, Carty.

Come 'ead.

-(PROGRESSIVE ROCK MUSIC)

-This can't be genuine.

-What is it, like?

-Bowie, live in Santa Monica.

It's the only existing recording of him doing 'My Death'.

Bootleg, like, but it's usually 25 rips.

-5.50. What?

-Give us it, I'll get it for you.

-Behave! It's a fiver.

-What's a flim between hombres?

So we go in the Masquerade. Eugene is snogging the gob off Heidi,

-and who walks in?

-No!

-I coulda died.

-Excuse me.

-I'm like, "Swallow me up."

-Hideous.

-Excuse me.

-Hideous, sweetcakes?

I'm like, "Am I seriously witnessing this car crash?"

Hey, Bela Lugosi. Are we gonna get some service here or what?

Ask nicely.

(SNIGGERS)

Ooh, the Bowie bootleg. Aren't you the subversive one?

5.50. Just call it a fiver.

-Thank you muchly.

-Fucking hell, Carty, la!

-I didn't think you had it in you.

-Well, you don't know me, do you?

Welcome to Hades.

So, this is chez Elvis, eh? Cool gaff, la.

We aim to please.

-Fuck's that?

-It's an everyday reminder of the absurdity of life.

-(CLICK)

-And the absolute certainty of death.

-Fucking hell. What are these?

-Forest Hills.

-Where did you get 'em?

-Curiosity killed the cat, Cartypants.

-Never even seen these in the shop.

-You wouldn't, would you?

-How much, like?

-Not for sale, la.

-Come on, El.

-Haven't got your size. Honest.

-How do you know?

-I just know.

Now, skin up.

-(MUSIC PLAYING)

-Don't exactly fancy getting stoned, you know?

What he really meant was he couldn't swim.

Don't talk soft. Some of us have got work tomorrow.

(SIGHS) Carty, you don't know the half of it, you.

Don't know what you mean, mate.

You, my handsome friend, have got it all, haven't you?

-You have choices.

-Right, let me guess.

You, the poor underprivileged council estate wastrel,

-you're fucked.

-In one, Lucky Jim.

-Bullshit.

-You may not know it yet, but it is how it is.

Is it? Still can't go to the game with you and the Pack, though.

-No choices there.

-Oh, mate, just leave it out, yeah?

Take it from one who knows. You do not belong there.

Right. And that mong in the parka, he's not even from round here.

-Robbie?

-Yeah, him.

He may be a bit of a subby, Robbie, but he's our subby.

-D'you know? He belongs.

-Right, ta. Now I know.

-It really means that much to you?

-Yeah.

Of all the good and wondrous things we could do,

you'd rather go fighting with a bunch of knobheads from the Woody?

More than you could ever imagine.

-OK, then.

-You'll take me?

Birkenhead North. 12 bells. Saturday.

-Saturday?

-Er, yeah, Saturday, like.

It's generally when footy matches happen, d'you know?

Got you.

# "Young Savage" - Young Savage

# Condemned to be a stranger Subway dweller, dead-end danger

# Peeking through the dust of friends Who never gave, they'd only lend

# Every sneer is thrown away With practised gestures of disdain

# The outlaw stance is so pedantic Hate the world, it's so romantic

# Young savage, young savage

# She's like a steel wall Speaks like a dance hall

# Young savage, young savage

# Anything goes Where no-one knows you... #

-Who's that cunt?

-Carty. My name's Carty.

# She's like a steel wall Speaks like a dance hall

# Young savage, young savage

# Anything goes where... #

(JOHN) Youse all ready? (CHEERING) You ready?

-I fucking am.

-All right. Get them together.

-Come on, boys!

-Stick together, lads.

-We're fucking here, boys.

It's rock 'n' roll, and no fucker better bail.

(WHEELS SQUEAK)

(CHATTER)

-Stick together. No noise.

-Ahh!

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Slow down. Fucking walk, will youse?

-Make sure you're in there, you ponce.

-What?

You fucking know.

(WHISPERS)

(LOUD CHATTER)

# "The Light Pours Out Of Me" - Magazine

Fucking told you, didn't I? Knew they wouldn't show, the shithouses.

Hey, you fucks! Where's your scarves, you gang of homos?

# Time flies

# Time crawls

(ALL SHOUT) # Like an insect

# Up and down the walls

# The light pours out of me

# The light pours out of me...

Fucking go through these queers easy, boys, yeah?

I love it when they say that.

(ALL SHOUT)

Go through these queers easy, boys, yeah?

# Of silence

# Ought to revolutionise

# My thought... #

Go through these queers, easy!

(ALL SHOUT)

(ALL SHOUT)

Fucking stand. Stand, you wankers! (PUNCHING)

You're fucking nothing, dickhead! Get through him! (GRUNTING)

(ALL SHOUT)

Yes!

(SHOUTS ECHOING)

(GRUNTING)

Fucking baldy prick!

Come on!

(SHOUTS ECHOING)

-(SIREN BLARING)

-(MAN) You fucking bastards!

(FOOTSTEPS)

Well?

-Oh, yeah. Shit. Sorry, Moll.

-Forget it.

(SOBS) Look, just stop and think, will you?

Look, Molly, I... I completely forgot.

Try and think what all this is like for me.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(SEAGULLS CRYING)

-Look, I'm sorry about last night.

-It should be me apologising.

-It's just been tough all round, eh?

-It has.

And I've been bloody useless, but I'm gonna make it up to you.

Oh, yeah?

-How?

-If I was to say it was payday on Friday, I'd be saying too much.

Oh, really? Honestly, Pug, you gonna take me shopping?

-Where? Where?

-I don't know. Where do you want to go?

-Chester.

I want to go shopping in Chester. How much have I got?

Just have to wait and see how generous I'm feeling.

-(MAN) Thursday, it's...

-(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah, I know that, but it's Tuesday now, you know? All right, then.

Well, do your best, yeah? Okey-dokey.

(CHUCKLES) I will. All right, ta-ra now.

-Ta-ra.

-(HANGS UP PHONE)

Oh, shit!

-(CHATTER) (MUSIC PLAYING)

-Make it a round flim, Bob?

I don't know if it's me getting old, but the bourgeoisie is expanding.

-Don't know what you mean.

-You should do. You're one of them.

-Classic fucking petite bourgeoisie, you are, kid.

-Me?

Like I say, kid, you're my sister's son.

Oh, aye? How come, like?

In life, lad, we fall into only two groups.

Those who determine their own futures...

-(LIGHT TINGS)

-Ooh, round one.

..and those who sit around waiting for it to happen to them.

Right, here we go.

-(BALLS CLINKING)

-(Oh, shit.)

You should be punching your fucking weight, the start you've had.

You sound like fucking Elvis. Is existential bullshit

-on the syllabus at Woody Comp?

-You got a talent, kid.

Use it. Don't end up like me. That's all I'm saying to you.

Don't end up like your Uncle fucking Bob filling forms all your life.

(SIGHS) Look at the state of 'em, eh?

Poor so-and-sos can hardly fucking wait.

Barely into December and they're already wishing Christmas on us.

Summer holiday and the Christmas piss-up. That's all they've got.

Huh! And they spend all year planning it as well.

Huh!

Oh, no. No, you don't. Not this time you don't, lad.

-Just letting fate take its course.

-I'm telling you, kid, no. No way!

You've had more time off work than you've been in work.

Yeah, well, welcome to the petite bourgeoisie.

All right.

No. What are you doing?

No, no, please.

Do you think you can just walk in here and fuck me?

I'll call the police.

No, no, you bastard!

-So how's my little wage slave?

-Don't knock it, la.

-The ladies love a man in a suit.

-I'm sure they do.

-The one I just porked did.

-"Porked?"

-Where are you from again?

-I've had some mad ones in my time

but this one was past kinky. Fucking telling you,

it was sick what she wanted me to do to her.

Berlin. Serious about going, then, kidda?

-Sit down. Just finish this.

-Ten bobs?

-Do they work?

-"Do they work?"

(CHUCKLES) State of you, Carty la! You don't know nothing, do you?

-All right, El, I was only asking.

-D'you know what I mean?

Think before you start making such a cunt of yourself. D'you know?

Just learn, will you? Know when to speak,

-and when to shut the fuck up.

-Fuck off.

-What?

-Get off my fucking back.

-All right. Fucking hell. (CHUCKLES)

-I'm just saying -

-Well, don't.

I get your drift, so just leave it, yeah?

Peace...la.

Like, you can do what you want when you're with me.

You get me? But when you're with them,

if you want that crew to take you seriously,

you can't keep on making such a twat of yourself, eh, d'you know?

-"Do they work?"

-I said leave it.

(DOOR OPENING/CLOSING)

(COIN CLINKING)

(DOOR OPENING)

When we going Chester?

I told you a hundred times, sweetheart, payday.

-Friday.

-Are you gonna meet me from school?

Better not tell Emily Bell. She badly wants to go out with you.

-Get some kip, snotface. I'll see you in the morning.

-Mm-hm.

Christmas spends.

-There you go.

-What you got planned, lad?

-Taking our Molly out shopping. Birthday treat.

-Good lad.

About fucking time. Cracking girl, that sister of yours.

For once, Uncle Robert, I can't disagree with you.

See you Monday morning. Remember, we all have inner potential.

Live each moment like it's a precious gift.

Come on, lad.

(SIGHS)

-Thought I'd finished with you?

-No.

Want to see the face on you, lad. Priceless. Fucking hell.

No, mate, it's nothing like that. I'm made up to see you.

Good. Very pleased I am to hear it, too.

-Come.

-No, mate, I can't. Not today.

What d'you mean, you can't? Of course you can.

You can do whatever you want, I've told you.

No, mate. It's my sister's birthday and I'm taking her out.

So? We won't be gone long.

Mate! Where you going?

(CHATTER / LAUGHTER)

-(SIGHS) That's boss, that, eh?

-What?

-Being a sailor, like.

Just getting off whenever you feel like it.

Be a bit fucking boring, like, just seeing the ships and the sea

-day after day.

-That's you all over, that.

-What is?

I don't know. There's no romance in you.

D'you know, when we get off, when we go to Berlin...

-Eh?

-You didn't mean it.

-El -

-You said it, though.

-Why say it, if you never meant it?

-Elvis, I just didn't mean now.

(SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC)

That's fucking criminal, that, la.

A Father Christmas? Necking?

-That's just wrong.

-Mate, I'm gonna do one.

Have a drink.

One bev, then you can go.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

-Say something?

-Come, come. Be not of meagre cheer.

'Tis the season to be jolly. Ho-ho-ho.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-(GRUNTS)

-(GIRLS YELPING)

-You better jolly well ask your mates

-for two front teeth, then.

-(THUMP)

-Come on, Elvis!

Leave it, fucking hell! Fuck!

You mad-crazed sex-pest bastard! Santa Claus, my arse!

See what you've done? You...

-Here, let's have a look.

-Mate, I've really got to go.

-I'll make you a cuppa.

-Mate...

I said, let me make you a cuppa.

-(GASPS)

-Your sister'll forgive you, Carty.

Family always do.

(DISHES CLATTERING)

Blood brothers, Carty.

You and me.

-Please.

-What?

-Hold my hand.

-Mate...

-It's OK. I knew you wouldn't.

-Elvis, I just -

-"I just!" "It's just!" Don't "just"!

Don't "just", Carty!

-Don't. D'you get me?

-(GRUNTS)

Yeah, that's right! Just fuck off out of my flat!

-I'm better off without you!

-Me, too.

# "Dislocation" - Ultravox

Fuck! Fuck!

Shit. Shit.

# Running down an empty street

# Perhaps it was a railway station

# Smell of warm cologne

# The sound of a celebration

# Oh, oh, oh

# Dislocation

# Oh, oh, oh

# Dislocation

# Oh, oh, oh

# Dislocation

# Oh, oh, oh

# Dislocation

# Oh, oh, oh

# Dislocation

(MUSIC FADES) # Just a swimmer growing dimmer

# In the glimmer of the summer... #

Here you are, grab that. (RUSTLING)

Fix your laces. Come on.

(CHUCKLES)

-Hi, Carty lad.

-John.

-Where have you been?

-Elvis's.

-You two weirdos ready for tomorrow?

-Yeah, it's gonna be mad, eh?

Fucking right, lad. Gonna be a big one.

We'll need all the boys for this one.

Got to get all the lads together, huh?

This fucking firm, they're no dickheads. They don't fuck about.

-Can you handle that?

-Me?

Relying on you, Carty son.

Need someone I can trust. No runaways, eh?

-Yeah. Yeah, right, John. Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Up for it?

-Yeah.

-Deffo?

-Yeah, deffo.

Let me see a smile, then. It's nearly Christmas.

-All right, lad. Here tomorrow, ten bells.

-Yeah, great.

-Yeah.

Come on, boys.

-See you later, lad.

-See you later.

(DOOR OPENING)

-Morning.

-You enjoy yourself last night?

-Look, I got caught up at work.

-Save your excuses.

I'm not interested.

-Here you go, Dad.

-You going the match today?

Or are you gonna take me shopping like you said?

Look, Moll, I promise you, straight after school on Monday, me and you.

-We'll go shopping, I promise.

-Forget it. It's too late.

Police are expecting trouble.

-Really?

-Says here.

You wanna watch yourself with that lot, son.

Starting to get a very nasty reputation.

I know.

# "Slow Motion" - Ultravox

# No reply

# I'm trying hard To somehow frame a reply

# Looking out at the white world And the moon

# I feel a soft exchange taking place

# Merging with the people on the page

# Blurring my face and conversation

# Slow motion

# Slow motion

-Didn't think you'd be coming.

-Well, I'm here, aren't I?

# Slow motion

# Slow motion... # (CHATTER / LAUGHTER)

Fucking hell, eh, Cart? What a gang of fucking beauts!

-Fuck knows why we bother, eh?

-Good lads, these, El.

Oh, and you'd know, wouldn't you?

You can't resist, can you? Can't stop yourself.

-What? Stop what?

-Reminding me I'm a dickhead, that's what.

Well, maybe I'm not as big a divvy as you think I am.

(JOHN) Aye, aye, lads! Fucking hell.

Sorry about that, love. How much do I owe you? How much for that lot?

(ALL) We are evil!

We are evil!

-We are evil!

-What are you?

-We are evil!

We are evil!

-We are evil!

-Twat some Woollybacks!

-We are evil!

-What?

-We are evil!

-No fucking runners here!

-We are evil!

We are evil! We are evil!

We are evil!

We are evil! We are evil!

-We are evil!

-(ALL CHANT)

(GLASS SMASHING)

(ALL SHOUT)

Fucking come 'ead! Come on, you fucking knobs!

Come on! Fucking come on! Fucking come on! Come on!

Come on! Come on, then! Fucking come 'ead!

(GRUNTS) Come on, then!

Come 'ead! Come on! Come on! Fuck off!

Fuckin' love ya, ya cunt! (ALL SHOUT)

(ALL) We are evil!

-(CHEERING)

-Come on!

(EXCITED CHATTER)

Go on, Looney Tunes, get that down you, lad. Go 'ead.

(CHEERING)

(CHATTER/LAUGHTER)

(ALL) We are evil!

We are evil!

We are evil!

We are evil! (FEET STOMPING)

We are evil! We are evil!

We are evil! We are evil!

Robbie! Come here, lad. Let's go and have a well-earned pint.

(JOHN) Down the Pelican, then, eh, boys? Victory celebration and that.

-Nice one, John. Deffo.

-There you are, Superman. (CHUCKLES)

-"Nice one, John."

-What?

-Fuck off.

-What?

-I thought we was going to see Dalek tonight. You and me.

-All right.

-Be a laugh down the Pelican.

-Fuck off, will ya?

-You been the Pelican?

-But it'll be a grin.

-All the lads and that.

-Oh, for...

All the lads! Fucking state of you, Carty.

(JOHN) Come 'ead, youse two! Pair of weirdos.

Come 'ead!

-Make-your-mind-up time, Carty.

-(TAPS CARTY'S ARM)

(OTHERS SHOUT) Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

-(CHEERING)

-(LAUGHS)

-(JOHN) Good boy!

Still undefeated! Get up to the fucking bar, go on.

(CHATTER / LAUGHTER)

Three more pints, please.

-Hello, handsome.

-Heh. You all right?

Hm. Now, then, you don't keep ferrets down there, do you, lad?

-Dream on, you mong. As if!

-(SKA MUSIC PLAYING)

-Want a rematch? Want a rematch?

-There you go again.

-Yeah, I want a rematch!

-Wait, on three! On three! One, two...

(SIGHING)

(CLICKING)

# "Saturday Night" - The Cure

-(SIGHS)

-Do I look like a fucking smackhead to you?

You know what I mean, you little fucking prick. No smackheads.

Do you understand me? You're worse. You're fucking selling them the shit.

-No smack.

-But it's all right for Elvis, though.

What's he on about?

-You all right, love?

-Had you. Fuck off.

It's not for me. There's a new lad.

# On a Saturday night

# And the tap drips

# Underneath the strip light

# And I'm sitting

# In the kitchen sink

# And the tap drips... #

(SIGHS) Where will it end?

Where will it end?

Do you wanna go for a little walk?

(SNIGGERING)

-Yeah, OK.

-(LAUGHS) (ALL CHEER)

-Go 'ead, lad! Fill your boots!

-Get back to your kids, eh, Godden?

-Before I tell them all how little your dick is.

-(LAUGHTER)

What are you fucking laughing at?

You little floppy-inched fuck. (LAUGHTER) Think that's funny?

# And I'm waiting

# For the telephone to ring

# And I'm wondering where she's been

# And I'm crying

# For yesterday

# And the tap drips... #

Come 'ead, then. You should be well hard by now.

My fella's back 11:00 on the dot.

Nice cock, lad.

-(PANTS / GRUNTS)

-Oh!

You dirty git! Spunk all over me black kecks!

What am I gonna tell him? Didn't even get it in!

(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

Look at that, eh? Spunked all over her fucking kecks!

He didn't even get a gobble! (ALL LAUGH)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Give me a hand! Whoa!

You dirty bastard!

Big sky.

Ah, that's brilliant, that is, lad. She'll be made up.

Hope so, mate. I've got some making up to do.

Ah, well, at least you realise that now, eh? It's a start.

-Could you not go back to it?

-I don't know.

You've got a real gift there, kid.

Your ma'd be proud of you.

Oh, aye, yeah. Aren't I everything she wanted me to be, eh?

Don't make the same mistakes I did.

I was only here for six months to get some bread together.

That was 27 fucking years ago.

Hey, just, you know,

work out what's important in life. And who.

I will, Bob. I will.

Elvis!

Fuck me sideways with a tickling stick!

Lord Cartykins, as I live and breathe!

-To what do we owe the pleasure?

-Got a little surprise for you.

-You're not having me on?

-Nope.

-We're on the gezzy, you and me?

-That we are, my friend.

Is right!

This more of your bohemian crew, is it? The ones I never meet?

Now, now, Mr Elways. It's nice to be nice.

# "Insight" - Joy Division

Fucking sound!

This is fucking better, this, Carty.

-What you having?

-You know the score, kid.

Rum and black, times two.

# I guess your dreams always end

# They don't rise up, just descend

# But I don't care any more

# I've lost the will to want more

# I'm not afraid, not at all

# I watch them all as they fall

# But I remember

# When we were young

# Those with habits of waste

# Their sense of style and good taste

# Of making sure you were right

# Hey, don't you know you were right?

# I'm not afraid any more

# I keep my eyes on the door

# But I remember...

-All right, Tash. Never knew you come here.

-Never knew you did.

Oh, aye. We're on the gezzy, like.

-Who's she?

-Just some rip from by ours, mate.

-She's fucking amazing.

-You wouldn't think that if you knew her.

-Come 'ead.

-# Reflects a moment in time

# A special moment in time

# Yeah, we wasted our time... #

Jesus Christ, Carty! Get on fucking Cruella.

Fucking hell. She's magnificent.

You, Mr Carty, are one bad head-the-ball, lad.

Never had one of them Probie types before. Have you?

You're joking, aren't you? She looks like a manic panda. Urgh.

See them two? They're talking about us.

-Really?

-They can't make it any more obvious.

-Look like a pair of quegs.

-Oh, behave!

Telling you, girl. Pound to a penny, them two are chutney ferrets.

-You all right?

-Cool as the Fonz.

-I'm Carty.

-Elvis. Nice to meet you.

Oh. Just had a piss. Mwah!

-Give us one of them lighters.

-Please.

-Please.

-Sonya?

-Hiya.

-Carty. Pleased to meet you.

Ta.

-Oh, you mean the lighter?

-I want the lighter!

Enchante.

Fancy coming to a bat cave?

-All right. Do you want one?

-I was waiting for you to ask.

-Sorry!

-Light it for me, please.

Come here.

And we have light!

Hey, is this your bat cave?

Build up, Carty.

Bit out of it, la.

Listen, sexy. Hoping to lose money on you tonight.

(SIGHS)

Ever seen this done before?

-Carty?

-No, not right now, mate.

-Not right now?

-I will.

-I weren't asking you.

Come 'ead, Carty. Come with us, man. Come see the stars.

You'll fucking love it.

You will fucking love this gear.

Nah.

Why?

-Not for me, man.

-What you on about? It's gorgeous!

It's fucking heaven. Come with us.

Not into it, mate.

I'm not fucking into it, you quilt!

I'm not on it, but I've got some and it's good.

You won't, will ya?

Choices.

We all have choices.

What?

It's not just the likes of him, you know?

I don't know what you're on about, lad.

Don't sweat on it, babe. Just know it. Yeah?

There's a way.

-For all of us.

-I know, yeah.

I'm doing it.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm deffo gonna do it.

Couldn't be more pleased for you, kid.

Now, are you gonna bang me, or what?

He won't.

(STRUMS GUITAR DISCORDANTLY)

Can't you sleep neither?

(FLUSHES TOILET)

Looks like neither of us got what we wanted, eh?

(PSYCHEDELIC MUSIC)

(BOYS LAUGH) Dirty cunts!

Your tickets!

Billy. Here he is!

(CHEERING)

-Didn't think you'd come, Carty.

-You brought plenty of tissues, mate?

Here you are, get a ticket.

Tell you what, Carty, la, you wanna get yourself checked out.

That fucking Janie gives out more doses

than a traffic warden gives out tickets!

Oh, aye, John? Done your fair share of time in the Q clinic, have you?

Once or twice, lad. Once or twice.

What do you want, you fucking little drug-dealing gobshite?

-It ain't personal, it's business!

-It fucking is personal.

I don't want you fucking selling drugs round here.

So let me tell you now. No fucking smack. D'you get me?

(MAFIA-STYLE ACCENT) He dishonours me in front of my family!

And for that, no way back.

So go 'ead, you never even got it in, no?

Not her, John,

but I had no problem breaking-and- entering last night. Eh, Elvis?!

Not for some of us at least.

What's all this, then, Elways, eh?

Not sure Elvis has got that much to tell you there, boys.

Get my drift? Not unless you're into short stories.

What posh arse is trying to tell youse

-is he goosed a pair of skates last night.

-(CHUCKLES)

While you was on the nod, you useless twat.

What are you gonna do about that, Elvis, lad? >

Fucking hell, Elvis, you're not, er, turning arse on us all, are ya?!

-Ah, come on, mate. I was only having a laugh.

-(SCOFFS)

(SHOUTING)

Fucking come 'ead!

Fucking come on! These cunts want to fucking know!

Come on, you cunts! Come on, you sheep-shagging cunts!

You're nothing! You're nothing! Come on, you cunts!

Come on, you fucking bastards! You soft fucking Wools, come on!

Come on! You're fucking nothing!

You're fucking nothing! Come on, you cunts!

-Come on! Come on!

-Oi. Oi. Hey.

Here. Come here.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Don't you fucking ever say that again

or I'll fucking kill you, you dickhead.

Come on! (SCREAMING)

(PACK) # ..with a threestar jumper Halfway up his back

# He's a fucking Woollyback! Woollyback!

# There's a Woolly over there Over there!

# And he's wearing underwear Underwear

# With a threestar jumper Halfway up his back

# He's a fucking Woollyback! Woollyback!

(SINGING FADES)

(ATMOSPHERIC ELECTROPOP)

What's the matter, Carty?

Thought you'd be off with the lads, having a fucking grin?

You're fuck all without me, you ponce.

Take us home, will you?

(TAP ON WINDOW)

You going anywhere near ours?

Come on, get in.

So,

what did he tell you about me?

Doesn't matter.

So what's the holiday got in store for Wirral Comp's wildest girl?

Hey, you! I am not boring.

It's just...

Well, you know how it is.

My two special boys have to come first, OK?

That's all very well and good, but you need to get out more, sis.

-Do you wanna know the sum total of my social offers this holiday?

-Go 'ead.

The Caldy Rugby Colts pissup.

You should go.

Will Harnault and the massed ranks of the Heswall Young Conservatives?

You should go. You've no idea what a grin you'll have.

It's what Ma would've wanted.

But what will Cinders wear to the ball?

Money, money, money. That's all you think about.

(PHONES RING)

-Bevvy, lad?

-Don't know. I'm trying to give it up.

Give up at Crimbo? You off your head or what?

I'm getting me head together.

Might even go back, finish my foundation course.

Are you messing?

Lad, I'm made up for you.

It's the best bit of news I've heard in a long time.

Right, then, we're definitely drinking to that.

If you insist, then.

-Only cos you've got no mates.

-You cheeky...!

# "Gaudete" - Steeleye Span

# Gaudete, gaudete Christos est natus

# Ex Maria virginae, gaudete

Berlin.

# Deus homo factus est naturam erante...

Who's your girlfriend, lad?

No-one.

# Gaudete, gaudete Christos est natus

# Ex Maria virginae, gaudete

# Gaudete, gaudete Christos est natus #

-State of his hair!

-State of her!

-Move your hand.

-Why do you read these magazines?

Tada!

-Wow, honey! You look amazing!

-Aw, thanks!

So go on. What do you think of your sister, then?

Wow. You wanna watch yourself, young lady.

I have no intention of coming home

until I've had at least 17 gin and tonics

and been ragged senseless on the bonnet of a Mini.

-Just have a good time. And behave.

-I will.

(DOOR SHUTS) Now, then, you...

Doubts have been raised by one Mark "Elvis" Elways

about your sexuality.

Completely unfounded.

# "Hours" - Joy Division

# So this is permanence

# Love's shattered pride

# What once was innocence

# Turned on its side

# Grey cloud hangs over me

# Marks every move

# Deep in the memory

# What once was love... #

(DISCO MUSIC)

Hello, sexy.

-Please, Will.

-Come on.

Will! Will, I've tried telling you nicely!

Nicely? She's tried telling me nicely!

Look, just shove off, will ya?

Fiesty! You weren't saying that when I bought you a drink.

I said yes to the drink to get rid of you!

I didn't know you were gonna stalk me all night!

(MEN LAUGH)

Hard luck, Casanova!

I think somebody needs to teach that young lady some manners.

(LAUGHING / CHEERING)

Come 'ead, Robbie! Do your robot, la!

-Come on!

-(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Emergency, emergency!

Better.

It had to be Robbie, though, eh? You know he's not all there.

Behave. Look at him. Lad's fucking loving it.

Here we go! Lubrication for the patient!

It was a cunt's trick, that.

Fuck off, John. Everything's a fucking cunt's trick with you.

-It's funny how it's always you, though.

-Fuck you, you squaddie cunt.

What did you say, shitehawk?

Nothing personal, Johnno.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

John? John?

John? Someone's fucking stabbed him.

(DOORBELL)

-Aren't you gonna get that?

-Be fucking carol singers, won't it?

'Pug.'

'Pug!'

-Shit.

-'Pug!'

-(GASPS)

-Jesus, Moll!

Baby, what's happened?

I had a grin.

-Come in.

-(SOBS)

(SNIFFS)

Sit down.

I'll get her some water, eh?

Molly?

Moll? What's happened?

The boys. Will and that.

Who's Will?

From the rugby club.

Those rugby cunts!

Where you going?

-You can't leave her like that!

-Stay with her. I won't be long.

(SOBS)

D'you know where Will is? Over there.

(LAUGHING / CHATTING)

Which one of youse is Cunt?

(ALL LAUGH)

'Are you all right'

'Me? It's not me you should be worrying about.'

Well, I am worried.

Who do you think I done all this for?

I dunno, Pug. You tell me.

'You're my sister.'

'Do you honestly think I'm gonna let these pricks do that to my sister?'

That's the burning question, isn't it?

Baby,

when are you gonna stop all this?

'Soon.'

(RINGS DOORBELL)

(WINDOW OPENS)

Fucking hell!

If it ain't the return of the magnificent Carthorse!

Hold on there, ya nutter.

Jesus.

I've missed you, ya cunt!

Missed you, too, mate.

Jesus. Most impressive, la.

Impressive.

So... (CLEARS THROAT)

..what happened?

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

This is the thing, la,

and your Uncle El's only being a buddy to you now, yeah?

But how it stands, like,

the lads are far from being sure about the enigmatic Professor Carty.

D'you know what I'm saying? He comes, he goes.

No-one really knows him.

The jury is out on the Carty question, especially now JG's gone.

Godden?

Gone 'un.

-Where to?

-Where...? Ya divvy! Baby done him.

-Fuck, is he's bad, like?

-Bad? He's fucking dead, amigo.

Brown fucking bread.

-Fuck me. Has Baby been nicked?

-Nicked? Behave!

Christ. John Boy Godden, eh?

Indeedy. It's like I'm telling you,

you're not gonna have him to back you up.

I've got you, though, haven't I?

-Look, if I could do it by myself, I would...

-Carty. My little angel!

Fuck me! Where will it end?

Where will it end?

Look, I'll see what I can do.

But no promises.

# "Decades" - Joy Division

# Here are the young men

# The weight on their shoulders

# Here are the young men

# Well, where have they been?

# Where have they been?

# Where have they been?

# Where have they been?

# Where have they been? #

All right, lads?

So this is Cartyville, eh?

This is where it all happens.

Come 'ead, lads. They're all in there.

Just up the road, eh?

Come on, man or mouse? Come on, man or fucking mouse? Come on!

-Do it!

-(CHANTS)

-Oh, you fucking dick!

-Jesus! Bastard!

..tits like fucking melons.

-Let me explain...

-No need for introductions.

Man or mouse, Will? Man or fucking mouse?

-Cunt! Fucking yuppie cunt!

-Calm down, lads. Enough's enough.

Enough?

What's enough?

What the fuck are you looking at?

You fucking rapist cunt!

You saw fuck all, get me? Get me?

Elvis?

(SOBS)

Elvis?

Elvis, mate, what's the matter?

Come 'ead, El.

-That's it, now, isn't it?

-That's what?

(SIGHS) That's us now, isn't it?

Elvis, mate, I don't know what you mean.

(SNIFFS) Yeah, you do.

El? Look, Elvis, la,

I'm made up with you for helping us out tonight, and I owe you.

-Fucking no.

-Yes, I do!

Carty...

You don't owe me nothing.

# Hold thou thy cross

# Before my closing eyes

# Shine through the gloom

# And point me to the skies

# Heaven's morning breaks

# And earth's vain shadows flee

# In life, in death, O Lord

# Abide with me. #

Please be seated.

Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and I am the light."

"He who believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live."

"And whoever lives and believes in me shall never die."

(CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS)

-All right?

-Yeah, mate.

I'm glad I made the effort, like.

-Stay.

-Why?

I'm just asking, like. W-Will you stay with us for a while?

Sure.

Just certain things, like... Certain things have to be said.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Will you take confession from us?

-What?

-I mean it.

-Will ya?

-But the priest is probably still here.

-No, no. Will you?

Will you hear my confession? That's what I'm asking.

Please. Like I'm saying,

certain things need to be said.

Course I will, El. Course I'll hear you.

Elvis?

We could have done it.

You and me, Carty.

Elvis...

(He loves ya.)

I can't hear you, El.

-Elvis, mate?

-He loves you.

Who does, Elvis?

You?

-He always did, like.

-Elvis...

-Come with us, Carty.

-Where, Elvis? Where?

Anywhere.

-Please.

-Mate, I can't. It's just not that simple.

-What about the game?

-Mate, I don't know.

-The lads...

-Forget the lads! Just you and me, Carty.

You and me.

No, mate, I can't. I'm sorry.

Please.

Please, Carty.

Come the game tomorrow.

And then we're done.

(LIGHTER CLICKS)

Yeah.

Sound.

Elvis?

Elvis?

# "Going Up" - Echo & The Bunnymen

Big sky.

# If they're watching my film

# Analysing me

# Rusty junker squawker

# Checking up to see

# If we should pull the plugs out

# On our history

# And all of history (CHEERING)

# Things that shouldn't be

# It's going up, up, up

# It's going up

# It's going up, up, up

# It's going up

# Let's get the hell outta here

# Let's get the hell outta here

# Going up

# Going down. #

He loves ya.

He loved ya.

He always did.

One last awayday.

Carty!

(CHEERING)

'Here we go, then.'

'This is it, Carty, la. This is it.'

'How long had I been waiting for this day?'

'How long had I wanted this?'

(ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC)

(SHOUTING)

'Should've seen it.'

'Should have seen it coming a long time ago.'

Ponce!

'But when you're dazzled, well, you're blinded, aren't ya?'

# "Just For A Moment" - Ultravox

# Listening to the music The machines make

# I let my heart break

# Just for a moment

# Listening to the music The machines make

# I felt the floor change

# Into an ocean

# We'll never leave here, never

# Let's stay in here forever

# And when the streets are quiet

# We'll walk out in the silence... #

'How long had I wanted this?'

'How long had I been waiting for the day?'

'Out of here.'

'Out of this.'

# "Insight" - Joy Division

# Guess your dreams always end

# They don't rise up, just descend

# But I don't care any more

# I've lost the will to want more

# I'm not afraid, not at all

# I watch them all as they fall

# But I remember

# When we were young

# Those with habits of waste

# Their sense of style and good taste

# Of making sure you were right

# Hey, don't you know you were right?

# I'm not afraid any more

# I keep my eyes on the door

# But I remember... #