Bye Bye Birdie


Bye Bye Birdie

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# Bye, bye, Birdie

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# I'm gonna miss you so

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# Bye, bye, Birdie

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# Why'd ya have to go?

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# Bye, bye

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-# No more sunshine

-(Sunshine)

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-# It's followed you away

-(You away)

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# I'll cry, Birdie

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# Till you're home to stay

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# I'll miss the way you smile as though it's just for me

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# And each and every night

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# I'll write you faithfully

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# Bye, bye, Birdie

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# It's awful hard to bear

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# Bye, bye, Birdie

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# Guess I'll always care

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# Guess I'll always care

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# Guess I'll always care. #

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Look! Look! Hey!

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# We love you, Conrad

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# Oh, yes, we do

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# We love you, Conrad

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# And we'll be true

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# When you're not near us

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# We're blue

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# Oh, Conrad, we love you... #

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This is John Daly reporting with the CBS mobile unit

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in front of the nation's capitol

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bringing you on-the-spot coverage of our current teenage crisis

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over the drafting of Conrad Birdie.

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Sociologists agree that Birdie is a phenomenon.

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For those few music lovers who have never attended one of his concerts

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here are some news photos tracing his meteoric rise.

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And that, that is our army's newest weapon.

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Private Birdie reports for his induction in ten days.

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His income drops from 2 million a year...

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to 78 a month.

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It could only happen in America.

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Why?

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Why did they have to draft him?

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Just when I finally write a song he's gonna do.

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The title song of his next picture.

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"Mumbo Jumbo Gooey Gumbo."

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Now there's no picture. There's nothing.

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Albert, I have your financial statement, if you really want to hear it.

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"Total assets: 312.08.

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"Liabilities: 4,030."

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You...

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Confidentially, you're a fiscal fiasco.

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Good-bye, Albert. It's a sad ending to a long association.

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Yeah. Oh, don't you want to say good-bye to Pidge?

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Almaelou's busted, Pidge. You better get yourself another meal ticket.

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In six years I never sold one lousy song.

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Maybe they weren't lousy enough.

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I don't care so much about myself...

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but I'm my mother's sole support.

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I've wasted every cent my father left Mama...

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It's not your fault. Your mother wants you to be a songwriter.

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You can make a good living as a biochemist.

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That's a wonderful profession, but Mama wants...

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Just because she was once in vaudeville

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doesn't mean you belong in show business.

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Confidentially, I respect my mother, but I do what I want.

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Well, Mama's sensitive. When I upset her, she faints.

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Why, with your ideas, you can make a fortune in chemistry.

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Chemistry.

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Chemistry. Chemistry? You sound like Rosie.

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- Where is she? Where's Rosie? - Oh, she phoned.

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She heard about Birdie being drafted. She's going to see Ed Sullivan.

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Sure, to get another job. Oh, a fine secretary!

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Why, we have been practically engaged, just waiting for an OK from Mama.

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Now when I hit bottom, Rosie deserts me.

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Quits before my body's even warm.

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Ed Sullivan!

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Would you send in Rosie DeLeon, please?

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Is it yes, Mr Sullivan? it's just got to be yes.

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- Rosie, it is yes. - Oh, hallelujah!

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I love you. Oh, that's marvellous. Oh, I love you too! I'm so glad!

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Miss DeLeon, I'd like you to meet our producer, Bob Precht.

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- Oh, hi. How are you? - Well, it's my pleasure.

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If you can overcome your shyness, tell me...

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what's our using Birdie on the show got to do with you?

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Let's face it, I'm a scheming woman.

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I have a promotion idea that'll knock you out.

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If you buy it, I want a little favour.

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All right. Let's try it on for size.

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How'd you like a terrific build-up before the show...

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that'll have every TV set tuned into you next Sunday?

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We will have. After all, we've got the Moscow Ballet and Birdie.

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- This is bigger. - Bigger?

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Before Conrad Birdie goes into the army...

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he bestows a farewell kiss on all the swooning girls...

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who worship him on your TV show.

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After all, it's only an hour show, and Birdie only gets four minutes.

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He kisses them all symbolically.

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- What'd you say? - Symbolically.

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- He'll only kiss one girl. - He kisses only one girl?

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Can't you see it? Birdie, their idol, their leader...

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kissing one fabulously lucky teenage Tessie?

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- Yeah! Yeah! - It'll melt every bobby pin in America.

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It's gigantic. The newspapers will eat it up. Think of the advance publicity.

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Get the Birdie's fan club file right away.

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- Get us a girl from Ohio. - Gotcha!

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We'll do it from the outdoor theatre, Columbus, Ohio, right after the ballet.

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- I'll get the girl. - The network will handle the details.

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And after the kiss, Birdie sings a big song.

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- That's where Rosie gets her payoff. - I don't get it.

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- The song is "One Last Kiss." - Never heard of it.

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- Hasn't been written yet. - Who is going to write this classic?

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Oh, who else, but my future husband, Mr Albert F. Peterson?

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Birdie's been wanting to give Albert a break for six years.

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I know he'll use the song, if you say so.

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Any song will do even though it's written by your ever-lovin' Albert.

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Thank you, Mr Sullivan.

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With a plug like this, that song will sell a million records.

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- Man, what royalties! - We can sure use the money.

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Any day now Albert and I will have another mouth to teed.

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Rosie, you're not even married yet. His mother! Bye.

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Carmine, get me the publicity department right away.

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This batch will do. Get them ready for mailing right away.

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Oh, hi, Marge. I need one of your fans from Ohio.

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You can have them all. Try file number six.

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OK. Six, here we go.

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I'm about to make some gaga little goof a queen.

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Hey, cute.

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Long distance? I want Miss Kim McAfee, Sweet Apple, 135, Sweet Apple, Ohio.

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Marge, isn't it amazing what a woman has to do to get a man to marry her?

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You mean you doped Albert's mother?

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No, but if this doesn't work, that's my next move.

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What, Operator? Oh, the line's busy.

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Never mind. I'll try later. Thank you.

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Oh, Marge, right now there's a kid named Kim McAfee in Sweet Apple, Ohio...

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gabbing on the telephone.

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Little does she realize I'm about to make her immortal.

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- Hello? - Hello, Urse. This is Kim.

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If I don't tell somebody, I'm just gonna burst.

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So, Ursula, you are the very first to know.

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I just got pinned by Hugo Peabody.

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Oh, no! Kim McAfee, you didn't! You really got pinned?

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You mean you and Hugo have a permanent understanding?

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Uh-huh. Oh, it's Hugo and I forever.

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Crazy! Crazy!

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Tell me, Kim, how do you absolutely feel...

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in your deepest secret soul?

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It's like... It's like I've been reborn.

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It's like all of my life until this very moment I was nothing.

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Kim, I must use the phone. I've got to call Grandma.

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In a second, Mom. Hey, listen, Ursula.

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I'm gonna have to get off. Where was I?

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- You were nothing. - Oh, yeah.

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And now I'm alive, fulfilled.

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Now I know what it means to be a woman.

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It should only happen to me.

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Kim, where did he pin you?

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On the backseat. Oh, bless that lovely yellow school bus.

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- Kim, hurry, please. - Hang up, so I can spread the word.

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OK, bye, Urse.

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# - Hi, Nancy - Hi, Ursula

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# What's the story, morning glory What's the tale, nightingale

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# Did you hear about Hugo and Kim

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# - Hi, Margie - Hi, Alice

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# - What's the story, morning glory - What's the word, hummingbird

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# Have you heard about Hugo and Kim

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# Did they really get pinned Did she kiss him and cry

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# Did he pin the pin on or was he too shy

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# - Well, I heard they got pinned - Yeah, yeah

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# - I was hopin' they would - Uh-huh

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# - They're livin' at last - He's gone

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# Hello, Mr Henkel This is Harvey Johnson

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# - Can I talk to Penelope Ann - Is it true about Kim

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# - Penelope - I just knew it somehow

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# - About the prom - I must call her right up

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# - Saturday - I can't talk to you now

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# - Goin' steady - You know it, man

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# - Goin' steady - it's crazy, man

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# - Goin' steady - You know it

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# - It won't last - Not at all

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# - He's too thin - She's too tall

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# Hello, Mrs Miller This is Harvey Johnson

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# Can I speak to Debra Sue

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# Hiya, Hugo Hiya, stupid

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# - What ya wanna go get pinned for - You don't know how to live

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# - Oh, you meathead - You'd get pinned if you could

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# - Lost your marbles - Kim and I are in love

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# - Are you nutty - Goin' steady for

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# Hello, Mrs Garfein Is Charity home from school yet?

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# - Did they really get pinned - Goin' steady

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# - I was hopin' they would - He's gone

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# - Now they're livin' at last - She nailed him

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# If ya gotta go that's the way to go

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# When they got ya hooked then you're really cooked

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# What ya gonna do What ya gonna do

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# - Well, I heard they got pinned - Oh, man

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# - I was thinkin' they would - Oh, man

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# Now they're livin' at last Goin' steady for good

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# Goin' steady, goin' steady Goin' steady, steady for good

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# Goin' steady, goin' steady Goin' steady, steady for good

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# He's in love with Kim Kim's in love with him

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# Goin' steady, goin' steady Goin' steady, steady for good

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# That's the way it should be

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# - Oh, yeah - They'll be happy, I know

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# - Oh, yeah - Goin' steady for me

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# - Oh, yeah - That's the way it should go

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# Goin' steady, goin' steady Goin' steady, steady for good

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# Goin' steady, goin' steady Goin' steady, steady for good

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# Goin' steady, goin' steady Goin' steady, steady for good

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# Goin' steady, oh...

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# Yeah! #

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Poor Pidge. He'll starve.

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Here, Pidge. Here, Pidgie. Here, boy.

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Albert!

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Albert, no! Honey, no!

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Don't jump! Don't jump! Albert, it's all right!

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Everything's all right! Come on back! Don't worry.

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Honey, come on.

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- Thank heavens I got here in time. - You almost pushed me out.

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It's all right. I just came from Ed Sullivan's office.

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- Sullivan? - Yes, Ed Sullivan.

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Go to work for Sullivan. Leap from the sinking ship while the house is on fire.

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But hear this, Miss DeLeon. I was loyal.

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All the years I employed you, I never looked for a job behind your back.

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- I went to Ed Sullivan's office... - Don't explain.

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You owe me nothing, even though you were moulded by me.

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- Moulded? - Like Eliza Doolittle from Pygmalion.

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- I was moulded? - What were you when I found you?

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Hostess at La Casa Enchilada Taco and Tamale Shop.

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Well, sorry I interrupted you.

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A man of my ilk does not commit suicide.

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I've had just about enough of your kind of ilk too.

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Suicide is for cowards. I don't desert the woman I love.

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Oh, Albert, I'm sorry.

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- I should have known. - Mama would never get over it.

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Mama?

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What's the matter?

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I'm the prize dope of all time...

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thinking I could pry you away from your mama's ever-lovin' tentacles.

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I will thank you to leave my mother out of this.

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- Maybe she does influence me slightly. - Slightly?

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- She is old and frail. - Which I will be, too, at this rate.

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I don't blame you. I was living in fantasy...

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telling myself you were serious.

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Oh, Rosie, I was.

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I am. In here.

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I've thought and thought about marrying you...

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every day, a lot of nights too.

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I've spent six years on Project Albert.

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Well, now I haven't got the right.

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I can't offer you security.

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A wonderful girl like you...

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You deserve more from a husband than just personality and good looks.

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But I'll always love you, Rosie.

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You'd better always love me, you nut...

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because you're stuck with me.

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Now, you've always worried about repaying your mother, right?

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Well, from now on, she'll be set for life.

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She can sit around on her big fat trust fund. We'll have our own little house...

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I don't care what Sullivan pays you. No woman is supporting Albert Peterson.

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- You're not listening, darling. - I am not a gigolo.

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Will you get to that piano and start composing?

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- Mary, I want Kim McAfee, Ohio. - I'm through composing.

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I was always through, but now I know it.

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That's right. You're a biochemist, but this is one song you can sell.

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- Huh? - OK, call me back.

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- As I was saying, huh? - Gee, you're slow today.

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Now, you are going to write a song called "One Last Kiss."

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Is this Albert's floor or is it the one below?

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"One Last Kiss." Now.

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# Oh, one last kiss There never was such bliss

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# I love your dentifrice

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- A little too clinical, I think. - Yeah, you're right, honey. Let's see.

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AL-BERT!

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Mama? She's never been to the office since she discovered canasta.

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Well, now's the perfect time to tell her about dissolving Almaelou.

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Yeah.

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- And about us. - Yeah.

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Albert?

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Sonny!

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- Mama! - Baby!

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What a nice surprise, and you're just in time for some wonderful news.

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- What's the matter? - Nothing, son.

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I just fainted in the subway. That's all.

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But I didn't fall down. It was too crowded.

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- I keep tellin' ya, take a taxi. - Taxis?

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Taxis are for my successful son.

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A dirty crowded subway is good enough for a mother.

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Mother's nothin' nowadays.

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- Who's that? - Mommy, you know Rose DeLeon.

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- And guess what. - This is that pretty Rose DeLeon?

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Oh, I don't believe it.

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Rose, what happened to ya?

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You had a fatal sickness or somethin'?

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It's nice to see you again.

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Always on the job. She's a credit to the firm.

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Look at her, son.

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I wonder some older man hasn't snatched her away.

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Personable matron.

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- Speaking of marriage. - A wonderful institution.

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Your poor father and I... That was a marriage.

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May he rest in peace.

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Don't worry, Lou.

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- Our only child is taking care of me.

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He'd never do anything to break my heart. What about marriage?

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If it was good enough for you and Papa, it's good enough...

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In time. You're just a baby.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello. Yes, Operator. I'll hold on.

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And another thing, Mama, I'm thinking of dissolving Almaelou.

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Wait, Lou. I'm comin'. I'll be right up there.

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We can play canasta again.

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Mama? Mama, forget it. I'm sorry.

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- You're sorry? - Good-bye, sonny.

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Take care of yourself. Think of me on Mother's Day.

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- Good-bye, Rosie. - Good-bye, Mae.

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Call me Mrs Peterson. Wear your rubbers.

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That's right, Operator. Miss Kim McAfee.

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I'll tell her, Rosie, tonight.

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It's entirely up to you, Albert. The line is still busy?

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Yes, Hugo.

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Well, of course I'll always wear it on everything.

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Oh, except my gym blouse. Miss Turgnisht won't allow it.

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Tonight? Well, I have no plans.

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I think I can get out till about 10:00.

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Oh, you have to be in by 9:00.

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Well, c'est la vie.

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Until tonight then, mon amour.

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Bye.

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# When you're a skinny child of 15

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# Wired with braces from ear to ear

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# You doubt that you will ever be appealing

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# Then, hallelujah, you are 16 and the braces disappear

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# And your skin is smooth and clear

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# And you have that happy grown-up

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# Female feeling

0:21:250:21:28

# How lovely to be a woman

0:21:350:21:38

# The wait was well worthwhile

0:21:380:21:41

# How lovely to wear mascara

0:21:410:21:44

# And smile a woman's smile

0:21:440:21:47

# How lovely to have a figure

0:21:470:21:51

# That's round instead of flat

0:21:510:21:54

# Whenever you hear boys whistle

0:21:540:21:57

# You're what they're whistling at

0:21:570:21:59

# It's wonderful to feel

0:21:590:22:03

# The way a woman feels

0:22:030:22:05

# It gives you such a glow just to know

0:22:050:22:09

# You're wearing lipstick and heels

0:22:090:22:12

# How lovely to be a woman

0:22:130:22:16

# And have one job to do

0:22:160:22:19

# To pick out a boy and train him

0:22:190:22:23

# And then when you are through

0:22:230:22:25

# You've made him the man you want him

0:22:250:22:28

# To be

0:22:280:22:31

# How lovely to be a woman

0:22:310:22:35

# Like me

0:22:350:22:37

# How wonderful to know

0:22:370:22:41

# The things a woman knows

0:22:410:22:44

# How marvellous to wait for a date

0:22:440:22:47

# In simply beautiful clothes

0:22:470:22:50

# How lovely to be a woman

0:22:500:22:53

# And change from boys to men

0:22:530:22:57

# To go to a fancy nightclub

0:22:570:23:00

# And stay out after 10:00

0:23:000:23:03

# How lovely to be so grown up

0:23:030:23:07

# And free

0:23:070:23:10

# Life's lovely when you're a woman

0:23:120:23:19

# Like me. #

0:23:190:23:24

PHONE RINGS

0:23:360:23:38

Hello? Oh? Well, hold on, Operator.

0:23:380:23:42

Kim, it's for you. She says it's long distance.

0:23:420:23:44

- Thank you, Doris. - Who could be calling Kim...?

0:23:440:23:47

- Did you say "Doris"? - It's the modern way, dear.

0:23:470:23:49

Makes mother and daughter more like friends.

0:23:490:23:52

Harry, I think you took the news about Hugo and I awfully well. Hello?

0:23:520:23:56

- She called you "Harry." - Yeah.

0:23:560:23:57

- Yes, this is Miss Kim McAfee. - Yesterday I was a mother.

0:23:570:24:01

- Today I'm a friend. - Yes, I'll hold on.

0:24:010:24:03

Well, maybe you could call me Mom. That's modern.

0:24:040:24:07

Times are changing. You go along or else you're out of it.

0:24:080:24:13

Harry, do you have a cigarette? I've run out.

0:24:130:24:15

Oh, so have I. How about my pipe?

0:24:150:24:18

- Hello? - Hello?

0:24:180:24:19

- 'Kim McAfee? I have a great prize.' - Harry? Kids.

0:24:190:24:22

'You have been selected from all the teenagers in the United States...

0:24:220:24:25

'to be kissed by Conrad Birdie on The Ed Sullivan Show this Sunday night.'

0:24:250:24:29

'We'll be in touch. Good-bye!'

0:24:290:24:32

Conrad Birdie?

0:24:320:24:34

To kiss me?

0:24:360:24:39

Oh...

0:24:390:24:40

Doris?!

0:24:400:24:42

Mother!

0:24:440:24:46

- Mommy! - Baby! What happened?

0:24:460:24:49

Conrad Birdie's coming here to kiss me!

0:24:490:24:51

- Isn't that nice? - You don't understand!

0:24:510:24:54

Conrad Birdie's coming to Sweet Apple to kiss me!

0:24:540:24:57

Oh, Mommy!

0:24:570:25:00

I never thought I'd say it, but God bless Conrad Birdie!

0:25:000:25:05

Conrad Birdie!

0:25:050:25:08

Conrad Birdie's coming here to kiss me!

0:25:080:25:11

Now, listen. Now, the absolute instant he appears...

0:25:210:25:25

now I'll introduce Kim to him.

0:25:250:25:27

Then we'll all recite our pledge of everlasting loyalty.

0:25:280:25:31

The plane! The plane's almost landed!

0:25:310:25:33

# We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do

0:25:380:25:42

# We love you, Conrad and we'll be true

0:25:420:25:46

# When you're not near us we're blue

0:25:460:25:49

# Oh, Conrad, we love you

0:25:490:25:52

# We hate you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do

0:25:520:25:56

# We don't hate anyone as much as you

0:25:560:26:00

# Your singing makes us say, P.U.

0:26:000:26:03

# Oh, Conrad, we hate you

0:26:030:26:07

# We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do

0:26:070:26:11

# We don't hate anyone as much as you

0:26:110:26:14

# When you're not near us we're blue

0:26:140:26:18

# Oh Conrad

0:26:180:26:19

# Oh Conrad

0:26:190:26:21

# - We love you - We hate you. #

0:26:210:26:24

Hugo wants to talk to Kim.

0:26:260:26:28

That's if it's OK with Kim.

0:26:290:26:31

- Certainly, Hugo. - Well, Kim...

0:26:320:26:35

Yes?

0:26:360:26:37

Hugo, what do you want?

0:26:490:26:51

Gee, Kim, the fellows are makin' me do this.

0:26:530:26:57

But just the same, they're right.

0:26:570:26:59

Kim, you can't go through with this.

0:26:590:27:02

Hugo, please be mature.

0:27:020:27:03

Doesn't gettin' pinned mean anything these days?

0:27:030:27:06

It means everything. it's sacred.

0:27:060:27:11

Well, then how can you let another man kiss you and in public?

0:27:110:27:15

- I assure you I won't even feel it. - Huh?

0:27:150:27:19

- I'm just a symbol. - A symbol?

0:27:190:27:22

Don't you see? This is bigger than us.

0:27:230:27:26

Why, all this publicity for Sweet Apple.

0:27:260:27:30

Thousands of people will move here.

0:27:300:27:32

We'll have a population explosion.

0:27:320:27:36

And just think what this will do for your father's undertaking business.

0:27:370:27:42

- Hey, yeah, you're right. - Yeah.

0:27:420:27:46

But you really don't go for that Birdie creep, do you?

0:27:490:27:52

What do my eyes tell you?

0:27:530:27:56

No, you don't. I can see you're all mine.

0:28:040:28:06

Forever...

0:28:080:28:09

starting right after The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night.

0:28:090:28:11

Right after The Ed Sullivan Show on Sunday night.

0:28:130:28:17

Hey, we'll be late!

0:28:170:28:18

# One, two, three!

0:28:190:28:21

# We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do

0:28:210:28:24

# We love you, Conrad and we'll be true

0:28:240:28:28

# When you're not near us we're blue... #

0:28:280:28:31

Well, I told her off, guys.

0:28:380:28:40

- She knows where I stand. - But she's leaving.

0:28:400:28:42

- That's to make the population explode. - Anyone for the reception?

0:28:420:28:46

Gee, Mr Paisley, we think you're OK even if you are the English teacher.

0:28:460:28:50

It should be a fascinating experience.

0:28:500:28:52

- Yeah, but are you with them? - "With them?"

0:28:520:28:55

Yeah, that Birdie creep... He's poisoned our women.

0:28:550:28:57

It's bad enough the mayor's a fink, but you, Mr Paisley...

0:28:570:29:01

Well, you see, fellows, as a teacher and a brand-new American citizen...

0:29:010:29:03

with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge...

0:29:030:29:06

I feel I should witness this unique sociological phenomenon, hm?

0:29:060:29:10

Yeah, guys, suppose I do let Kim kiss him?

0:29:120:29:15

I only want to see a unique soc... soc..

0:29:150:29:21

phenomenon.

0:29:210:29:23

- Hugo, the fink! - So long, fink!

0:29:230:29:26

- Fink! - Oh, what a fink!

0:29:260:29:30

Here are the gentlemen from the press. I'll handle them. You go find the mayor.

0:29:400:29:44

We want him! We want him!

0:29:440:29:49

Here's your speech. Learn it and hurry!

0:29:490:29:51

We want him! We want him!

0:29:510:29:55

- Look this way, please. - What's your name?

0:29:580:30:03

- Conrad Birdie. - No, no, your name.

0:30:030:30:05

Oh, McAfee..

0:30:050:30:08

Kim...

0:30:080:30:10

Kim McAfee.

0:30:100:30:12

She doesn't even know her name.

0:30:120:30:14

"We want him!"

0:30:230:30:24

I beg your pardon. May I add a welcome from Sweet Apple?

0:30:300:30:34

I'm Claude Paisley. Kim McAfee's my student in English.

0:30:340:30:36

- How do you do? I'm Rose DeLeon. - Nice to know you.

0:30:360:30:39

- And you're? - Hugo.

0:30:390:30:42

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you.

0:30:430:30:45

- Hugo Fink. - Hello, Mr Fink. How are you?

0:30:450:30:49

Now, please don't think me forward.

0:30:490:30:51

But if you do have any spare time during your visit...

0:30:510:30:54

I'd appreciate discussing Mr Birdie with you.

0:30:540:30:58

Well, I'm afraid I'll be very busy...

0:30:580:31:02

but thank you.

0:31:020:31:04

Watch it, Rube. Don't bend the fur.

0:31:080:31:11

He's coming! Look, everybody! He's coming! Here he comes!

0:31:110:31:16

# We love you, Conrad Oh, yes, we do

0:31:260:31:30

# We love you, Conrad and we'll be true

0:31:300:31:34

# When you're not near us we're blue

0:31:340:31:38

# Oh, Conrad, we love you... #

0:31:390:31:43

Before you hear from the girl upon whom...

0:32:200:32:23

you have chosen to bestow your final kiss upon...

0:32:230:32:26

we will now recite the Conrad Birdie pledge.

0:32:260:32:30

ALL: I, being of sound mind and body

0:32:320:32:35

do hereby promise

0:32:350:32:37

to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true

0:32:370:32:42

to Conrad Birdie and the United States of America

0:32:420:32:46

both indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

0:32:460:32:51

CHEERING

0:32:510:32:54

As the fortunate girl whom you have selected

0:32:550:32:59

to represent all my fellow girls, I welcome you.

0:32:590:33:03

Now, Mayor, now.

0:33:260:33:28

Speech here.

0:33:280:33:29

And now I present this key to our city to our honoured guest

0:33:290:33:34

Conrad Birdie.

0:33:340:33:36

SHE SCREAMS

0:33:360:33:38

He said it! He said the name!

0:33:380:33:41

ALL SCREAM

0:33:410:33:43

What happened? All I said was Conrad Birdie.

0:33:430:33:48

Girls, you're going to have to stop that or I can't finish my speech.

0:33:490:33:53

Who cares about your speech?

0:33:530:33:56

We want to hear Conrad!

0:33:560:33:59

He's not so much.

0:34:040:34:06

# You gotta be sincere... #

0:34:100:34:14

Edna, what's wrong?!

0:34:140:34:17

# You gotta be sincere... #

0:34:170:34:20

Birdie, what are you doin'?

0:34:200:34:22

# You gotta feel it here

0:34:220:34:25

# Cos if you feel it here

0:34:250:34:27

# Well, then you're gonna be

0:34:270:34:29

# Honestly sincere

0:34:290:34:34

# If what you feel is true

0:34:380:34:42

# You really feel it You make them feel it too

0:34:420:34:46

# Write this down now You gotta be sincere

0:34:460:34:51

# Honestly sincere

0:34:510:34:53

# Man, you've gotta be

0:34:530:34:56

# Sincere

0:34:560:35:01

# If you're really sincere If you're really sincere

0:35:020:35:06

# If you feel it in here then it's gotta be right

0:35:060:35:09

# Oh, baby

0:35:090:35:11

# Oh, honey

0:35:110:35:12

# Hug me

0:35:120:35:14

# Ah, suffer

0:35:140:35:17

# In everything I do

0:35:200:35:24

# Why, my sincerity shows through

0:35:240:35:27

# Yeah, when I look you in the eye I don't even have to try

0:35:270:35:32

# It's automatic I'm sincere

0:35:320:35:36

# When I sing about a tree

0:35:380:35:40

# Listen, why I really feel that tree

0:35:400:35:43

# Yeah, when I sing about a girl

0:35:440:35:47

# I really feel that girl

0:35:470:35:49

# I mean, I really feel

0:35:490:35:51

# Sincere

0:35:510:35:57

# Why, if you're really sincere

0:35:580:36:00

# If you're really sincere

0:36:000:36:02

# If you feel it in here then it's gotta be right

0:36:020:36:05

# Oh, baby

0:36:050:36:07

# Oh, honey

0:36:070:36:09

# Hug me Ah, suffer

0:36:090:36:11

# Yeah, here we go now

0:36:110:36:15

# Why, you gotta be sincere

0:36:150:36:18

# Oh, you gotta feel it here

0:36:180:36:22

# Oh, my baby, oh, my baby

0:36:220:36:25

# Oh, yeah

0:36:250:36:26

# Oh, my baby, oh, yeah

0:36:260:36:29

# Go, girl, go... #

0:36:290:36:31

Ursula! What are you doing?

0:36:310:36:33

# Are you gonna be sincere Are you gonna be sincere

0:36:360:36:39

# Yeah

0:36:390:36:40

# Are you gonna be sincere Are you gonna be sincere

0:36:400:36:42

# Yeah

0:36:420:36:44

# Ah baby

0:36:460:36:49

# Ah baby, oh yeah...

0:36:490:36:54

# Are you going to be sincere?

0:36:540:36:57

# Ah baby, oh yeah...

0:36:570:36:59

# Ah baby, oh yeah...

0:36:590:37:02

# Ah baby, oh yeah...

0:37:020:37:06

# Ah my baby, oh yeah

0:37:060:37:11

# Yeah, yeah!

0:37:110:37:15

# Yeah! #

0:37:150:37:16

# We love you, Conrad

0:37:510:37:56

# Oh, yes, we do

0:37:560:37:59

# We love you, Conrad

0:37:590:38:03

# And we'll be true

0:38:030:38:07

# When you're not near us

0:38:070:38:11

# We're blue

0:38:110:38:15

# Oh, Conrad, we love you... #

0:38:150:38:20

Randolph, your father's warned you.

0:38:200:38:23

If you make another bomb, you'll get spanked.

0:38:230:38:25

- It was an accident, Mom. - Now, get this stuff out of here.

0:38:250:38:31

Doris! Doris!

0:38:330:38:36

Doris, what's going on here?

0:38:390:38:42

Harry, where have you been since supper?

0:38:420:38:44

In plenty of trouble, that's where. But I'm not now. No, sirree.

0:38:440:38:46

You kids go home before I sick the constable on ya!

0:38:460:38:48

Go on! Get that carnival oft my front lawn!

0:38:480:38:51

I'll show them who's boss.

0:38:510:38:52

Harry McAfee's not going to be pushed around by any roll and rocker.

0:38:520:38:56

- Harry, they'll hear you. - Let 'em hear me!

0:38:560:38:59

- Put those chemicals away and go to bed. - Yes, Papa.

0:38:590:39:03

We're in trouble. He can't stand Conrad living here.

0:39:050:39:09

Especially around his pretty young daughter.

0:39:100:39:14

She's still under the magic spell.

0:39:180:39:20

Dear little Conrad certainly has a devastating impact.

0:39:240:39:27

He might make a terrific soldier.

0:39:270:39:29

Turn him loose and the enemy will twitch itself to death.

0:39:290:39:31

I don't care. I've changed my mind.

0:39:310:39:33

My daughter is not going to be publicly kissed by that, that wiggler.

0:39:330:39:37

The deal is off.

0:39:370:39:39

But, dear, you know these adolescents. Kim will lose face.

0:39:390:39:42

It I don't get rid of that Birdie, that's not all she'll...

0:39:420:39:45

Hear this. I have decided that bunch of grafters is getting out of here.

0:39:470:39:52

That is the unshakable decree that I have made as head of this household.

0:39:520:39:56

- So you go upstairs and tell them. - Me?

0:39:560:39:57

How can I tell Mr Peterson and that nice Miss DeLeon?

0:39:570:40:00

Nice? I know that show business crowd, probably living in sin.

0:40:000:40:04

Harry Lionel McAfee!

0:40:040:40:07

I never told you, but one summer I worked for the circus.

0:40:070:40:09

- Oh, those midgets, wild. - Not another word.

0:40:090:40:12

She's been engaged to Peterson for six years. Don't tell me they...

0:40:120:40:15

- We were engaged for five years. - He's not as stupid as I was.

0:40:150:40:19

- Are you stupid, Pop? - Find out for yourself!

0:40:190:40:20

That's the trouble with kids today! Lazy!

0:40:200:40:22

Will you go up? Get up to bed!

0:40:220:40:26

Oh, Harry, they'll be gone day after tomorrow.

0:40:260:40:30

I'm a peace-loving man, a good father and husband.

0:40:300:40:33

And the result?

0:40:330:40:36

The home I hewed out of this wilderness with my bare hands is no longer mine.

0:40:360:40:41

Tonight I had to wait until 6:00 for my supper.

0:40:410:40:43

And that Peterson grafter, running up my phone bill with long-distance calls!

0:40:430:40:47

- He offered to reimburse you. - I don't take Diners Club cards!

0:40:470:40:51

Then that snake in a gold suit insists on parking in my beautiful living room.

0:40:510:40:56

- Do you know where I've just been? - No, dear.

0:40:580:41:01

To a meeting with the big boys, Kelsey, Judge Blanch, Joe Kipp.

0:41:010:41:03

My biggest customers. They don't approve of this kind of notorious goings-on.

0:41:030:41:07

Darling, they put pressure on you?

0:41:070:41:09

If I don't cancel this whole Birdie deal, they'll starve me out of business.

0:41:090:41:14

- Oh, my heavens! - It's them or us.

0:41:140:41:18

- What happened? - Are you all right?

0:41:260:41:28

- What's wrong? - It was just Randolph's chemicals.

0:41:280:41:30

No, a mixture of iron sulfide plus two parts H2SO4.

0:41:300:41:33

Smart boy you have there. It isn't every lad who can make a stench bomb.

0:41:330:41:36

- Which brings me to Mr Birdie. - Mr Peterson is really a biochemist.

0:41:360:41:40

- I couldn't care less. - I have one formula, a secret.

0:41:400:41:43

It's miraculous because it increases the work output of domestic animals.

0:41:430:41:46

- Now about this Birdie. - It speeds up the reflexes.

0:41:460:41:49

An ox, for instance, could outrun a racehorse.

0:41:490:41:51

By adding in his formula, a hen will lay three eggs a day.

0:41:510:41:54

Three eggs a day? It that's so, you could make a million times...

0:41:540:41:56

I've been nursing this compound for years.

0:41:560:41:58

- Still needs more tests, but it works. - Aren't you in farming?

0:41:580:42:02

- He's McAfee Fertilizer. - Oh, yes.

0:42:020:42:04

- Been in it for 20 years. - Really?

0:42:040:42:06

But I may be out if...

0:42:060:42:08

If you and Albert got together, you could revolutionize farm production.

0:42:080:42:11

Would you like a demonstration? Do you have a hen?

0:42:110:42:14

- How about trying it on that? - A tortoise? I don't know.

0:42:140:42:17

Sure! It won't bite. Here. Let me.

0:42:170:42:19

Of course, there isn't much demand for turtle eggs.

0:42:230:42:26

But if it really works on farm animals...

0:42:260:42:30

maybe you and me could do some business.

0:42:300:42:33

I'll sure need something if I let Kim go through with this Birdie stuff.

0:42:340:42:38

Some of Harry's customers are against it.

0:42:380:42:40

Yeah, and so I've decided it's absolutely out of the question.

0:42:400:42:42

Your neighbours are just going to be thrilled...

0:42:420:42:44

when they see the two of you on The Ed Sullivan Show.

0:42:440:42:49

The Ed Sullivan Show.

0:42:490:42:51

- We were saving that as a surprise. - Yes, a surprise.

0:42:510:42:55

Me on Ed Sullivan?

0:42:550:42:57

Oh, I'd die. What would I wear?

0:42:570:42:59

- We'll find something. - Gee, Ed Sullivan.

0:42:590:43:01

He's my favourite human.

0:43:010:43:03

That's why I decided to let Kim go on in the first place.

0:43:030:43:05

Me on The Ed Sullivan Show?

0:43:060:43:08

# Ed Sullivan

0:43:090:43:11

# Me, Harry McAfee appearing with

0:43:130:43:16

# Ed Sullivan

0:43:160:43:19

# Ed...

0:43:190:43:21

# Ed Sullivan

0:43:210:43:23

# Ed Sullivan

0:43:230:43:30

# Ed

0:43:300:43:34

# Ed Sullivan

0:43:340:43:36

# Ed, Ed Sullivan

0:43:360:43:42

# Ed Sullivan

0:43:420:43:43

# Ed Sullivan

0:43:430:43:46

# We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan

0:43:460:43:50

# How could any family be

0:43:510:43:56

# Half as fortunate as we

0:43:560:44:01

# We'll be coast to coast

0:44:010:44:04

# With our favourite host

0:44:040:44:07

# Ed Sullivan

0:44:080:44:13

# Ed Sullivan

0:44:150:44:17

# Ed Sullivan

0:44:170:44:20

# We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan

0:44:200:44:26

# I've got a wonderful wife

0:44:300:44:32

# Two swell kids a good business and now this

0:44:320:44:37

# Someday we'll recall

0:44:370:44:39

# The greatest day of all... #

0:44:390:44:43

Ed, I love you.

0:44:430:44:45

# Ed Sullivan... #

0:44:450:44:52

PHONE RINGS

0:44:550:44:58

Hello?

0:45:020:45:04

Oh, yes. Harry, it's the mayor. He sounds mad.

0:45:040:45:09

I'll handle this.

0:45:090:45:12

Yes? Yes, Mayor?

0:45:120:45:15

Yes, the boys talked to me.

0:45:150:45:17

Yep, I've decided. Birdie stays right here...

0:45:170:45:20

and Kim's on TV.

0:45:200:45:23

And what's more...

0:45:230:45:24

I'm gonna be on the show, too, with Eddy Sullivan.

0:45:240:45:29

Now, listen, Harry. You saw what that crazy galoot did at the reception.

0:45:290:45:33

It was a disgrace.

0:45:350:45:37

Look, Mayor, you're gonna be on TV too.

0:45:370:45:42

They want you to make a speech.

0:45:420:45:45

They want me on Ed Sullivan?

0:45:450:45:49

A short speech. Why, sure!

0:45:510:45:54

I could become a statewide face.

0:45:560:45:59

It's a deal, Mayor.

0:45:590:46:01

Sure I'll plug you up for governor.

0:46:010:46:04

Bye, Sam.

0:46:040:46:06

What a hambo.

0:46:060:46:08

Well, it's been a long day, so I think we'll..

0:46:090:46:12

I'm thinking of calling them "Speed Up." You like it, Mr McAfee?

0:46:220:46:24

"Feed up with Speed Up." I love it, partner.

0:46:240:46:27

- How will Randolph catch his tortoise? - Just give him one of these.

0:46:270:46:31

Hi, Mr McAfee. Gee, I just wanted to thank you.

0:46:310:46:34

My dad said you're not letting Kim go on TV and kiss that, that...

0:46:340:46:38

It can't be true. You wouldn't destroy Kim, your own flesh and blood!

0:46:380:46:44

Sure he would. A father has a right, right?

0:46:440:46:46

Hugo, my daughter's old enough to make her own decisions...

0:46:460:46:50

so I've decided to let her do it.

0:46:500:46:52

Well, in that case, your daughter is the former future Mrs Hugo Peabody.

0:46:530:46:57

Oh, Hugo, stop acting like a child.

0:46:570:46:59

Kim! Where is he? Can I see him?

0:46:590:47:02

Conrad's asleep, poor dear.

0:47:020:47:04

You may peek through his keyhole while I...

0:47:040:47:07

while I discuss this tempest in a tea bag with Hugo.

0:47:070:47:10

You're lucky people.

0:47:230:47:25

What'd we ever do to deserve such a daughter?

0:47:250:47:28

We got married.

0:47:280:47:30

Marriage.

0:47:320:47:33

- But, Kim... - Hugo...

0:47:330:47:35

- Yeah, but, Kim... - I don't have time for a debate.

0:47:350:47:37

Ursula's waiting. I've got to learn my speech for tomorrow's rehearsal.

0:47:370:47:39

Wait a minute, Kim. Don't go yet, please.

0:47:390:47:43

You don't know what I've been through with all the guys buggin' me...

0:47:450:47:47

well, about you and that Birdie creep.

0:47:470:47:49

- Oh, that. - Yeah, that!

0:47:490:47:52

Why, that's silly. He means nothing to me.

0:47:520:47:57

# One boy

0:48:010:48:03

# One special boy

0:48:040:48:08

# One boy to go with

0:48:080:48:10

# To talk with and walk with

0:48:100:48:14

# One boy

0:48:140:48:17

# That's the way it should be... #

0:48:170:48:22

Yeah, yeah, that's the way it should be.

0:48:220:48:26

# One boy

0:48:260:48:28

# One certain boy

0:48:280:48:30

# One boy to laugh with

0:48:310:48:32

# To joke with, have Coke with

0:48:320:48:36

# One boy

0:48:360:48:39

# Not two or three

0:48:390:48:45

# One day

0:48:470:48:50

# You'll find out

0:48:500:48:53

# This is what life is all about

0:48:530:48:57

# You need

0:48:580:49:00

# Someone who

0:49:000:49:04

# Is living

0:49:040:49:06

# Just for you

0:49:060:49:10

# One boy

0:49:100:49:13

# One steady boy

0:49:140:49:16

# One boy to be with

0:49:160:49:18

# Forever and ever

0:49:180:49:21

# One boy

0:49:210:49:24

# That's the way it should be

0:49:240:49:30

# That's the way

0:49:300:49:32

# It should be. #

0:49:320:49:37

Now is that the kiss of a woman interested in any other man?

0:49:430:49:47

I don't know. How do I tell?

0:49:500:49:53

- Ah, but he made you faint. - Oh, he did not!

0:49:570:50:01

I was just exhausted, cramming for my English exam.

0:50:010:50:05

You've got to try to understand me as a woman.

0:50:080:50:13

Now, I might like Conrad as a friend...

0:50:130:50:17

but when it comes to the real thing...

0:50:170:50:19

..the grand passion...

0:50:200:50:24

..well, that's something special, Hugo.

0:50:250:50:28

That's you.

0:50:280:50:30

# One day you'll find out

0:50:300:50:35

# This is what life is all about

0:50:350:50:38

# You need someone who

0:50:380:50:43

# Is living just for you

0:50:430:50:50

# One boy, one steady boy

0:50:500:50:53

# One boy to be with

0:50:530:50:56

# Forever and ever

0:50:560:50:58

# One boy

0:50:580:51:01

# That's the way it should be

0:51:010:51:06

# That's the way

0:51:080:51:11

# It should be. #

0:51:110:51:16

Homework! Hey, I got homework to do.

0:51:200:51:23

# When will he find out

0:51:360:51:41

# This is what life is all about

0:51:410:51:47

# Will he ever see

0:51:470:51:53

# I need him

0:51:530:51:57

# And he

0:51:570:51:59

# Needs me

0:51:590:52:03

# - One boy - One special boy

0:52:030:52:07

# - One special boy - One boy to be with always

0:52:070:52:11

# One boy to be with

0:52:110:52:13

# - Forever and ever - Forever

0:52:130:52:18

# - I love him - One boy

0:52:180:52:22

# - Love him, I love - That's the way

0:52:220:52:26

# - Him so - It should be

0:52:260:52:29

# That's the way

0:52:310:52:34

# It should be

0:52:340:52:38

# That's the way

0:52:420:52:47

# It should be. #

0:52:470:52:52

Hello, Sweet Apple Drive-in?

0:53:110:53:13

I'm looking for my mother, Mrs Peterson.

0:53:130:53:15

Are you sure there's no-one left in your drive-in? OK, thank you.

0:53:150:53:19

Don't worry, partner. Your mother will get along tine.

0:53:190:53:22

Sweet Apple's full of friendly folk.

0:53:220:53:24

If anything happens to her, I'll never forgive myself.

0:53:240:53:27

- What kind of a dump is this? - "Dump"?

0:53:270:53:29

Conrad. Let's humour him, partner.

0:53:300:53:32

If he walks off the Sullivan show, we're sunk.

0:53:320:53:36

I can't find no church key in my room.

0:53:370:53:40

Church key? We've had a church here, but it's open.

0:53:400:53:44

A can opener, man. You're from nowherelike.

0:53:440:53:49

That's my favourite brand.

0:53:590:54:01

Well, it's bedtime, huh, Conrad?

0:54:010:54:06

OK for tonight, but tomorrow's Saturday...

0:54:070:54:11

and that's my real tense night.

0:54:110:54:15

Thanks, Mr McAfee.

0:54:230:54:25

The next time I have a daughter, I hope it's a boy.

0:54:250:54:29

I am a lucky man though, Albert.

0:54:290:54:31

Meeting up with a biochemical wizard.

0:54:310:54:34

Peterson and McAfee are going right to the moon.

0:54:340:54:37

I've got to, not just for my mother, for Rosie.

0:54:370:54:41

Well, I guess I'll get a little air and turn in.

0:54:470:54:50

Take all the air you want, chum.

0:54:500:54:52

Hi, Rosie.

0:55:090:55:11

Rosie, you don't have to worry about Mama. She'll show up.

0:55:120:55:16

- I'm certain she will. - Then you ought to be happy.

0:55:160:55:19

Kim's on the show. Conrad does my song...

0:55:190:55:21

and I promise I'll tell Mama about us.

0:55:210:55:24

Come on.

0:55:260:55:28

# Why look so awfully tragic

0:55:390:55:42

# Put on a happy face

0:55:420:55:45

# Smiling can work like magic

0:55:450:55:47

# Put on a happy face

0:55:470:55:50

# Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy

0:55:500:55:53

# It's not your style

0:55:530:55:56

# You look so good that you'll be glad ya decided to smile

0:55:560:56:00

# Pick out a pleasant outlook

0:56:000:56:03

# Stick out that noble chin

0:56:030:56:05

# Wipe off the full of doubt look

0:56:050:56:08

# Slap on a happy grin

0:56:080:56:11

# And spread sunshine all over the place

0:56:110:56:16

# Just put on a happy face... #

0:56:160:56:20

Flowers?

0:56:240:56:26

# Put on a happy face

0:56:260:56:28

# Put on a happy face

0:56:310:56:33

# Why do you mope around so sourly

0:56:340:56:36

# It's such a strain

0:56:360:56:39

# I always try to chuckle hourly

0:56:390:56:42

# It clears the brain

0:56:420:56:44

# I knew a girl so gloomy

0:56:460:56:48

# She'd never laugh or sing

0:56:480:56:50

# She wouldn't listen to me

0:56:500:56:53

# Now she's a mean old thing

0:56:530:56:55

# So spread sunshine

0:56:550:56:59

# All over the place

0:56:590:57:01

# Put on a happy

0:57:010:57:04

# So put on a happy

0:58:140:58:16

# Face... #

0:58:160:58:21

Well, like I said, you're a genius, Dr Peterson.

0:58:370:58:41

Oh, honey, you sure have put up with a lot.

0:58:410:58:43

But this time we're gonna make it!

0:58:430:58:45

Let's live in a small town like this.

0:58:450:58:47

- Anything you say, dear. - OK?

0:58:470:58:50

Wow, the last time we were alone together...

0:58:500:58:53

last summer at Palisades Park.

0:58:530:58:55

We went through the tunnel of love.

0:58:550:58:56

Your mother sat between us.

0:58:560:58:58

Oh, honey, I told you. From now on, things are gonna be different.

0:58:580:59:01

- Yoo-hoo! Albert! - It's Mama.

0:59:010:59:05

Mama?

0:59:050:59:07

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl...

0:59:110:59:14

boy gets mother.

0:59:140:59:16

- Mama, where have ya been? - Neglected! That's where I've been.

0:59:210:59:25

I tried to find ya. Have you had any dinner?

0:59:250:59:27

A mother doesn't need food. Besides, I'd rather be with my famous son.

0:59:270:59:31

Albert, what is it? Oh, it's your mother.

0:59:310:59:34

- Oh, good evening! - How are ya, ma'am?

0:59:340:59:37

How can I be? Ripped from my native land, alone in this jungle?

0:59:370:59:42

Gosh, Albert, I wish we had room to put up your mother.

0:59:420:59:44

Thanks. A motel mattress full of lumps is good enough for me.

0:59:440:59:49

Comfort is for my loving son.

0:59:490:59:51

I just came to tuck ya into bed.

0:59:560:59:58

See, Mama's got a condition. She won't tell me what it is.

0:59:581:00:01

Why worry a growing boy?

1:00:011:00:04

OK. You insist?

1:00:041:00:07

I got, maybe, one tenth a normal heart.

1:00:081:00:11

A mother doesn't need a heart.

1:00:111:00:14

Well, soon as Albert and I get our new deal a-rollin'

1:00:141:00:15

you'll have the finest doctors in the country.

1:00:151:00:18

Deal? What deal, Albert?

1:00:181:00:22

Well, Mama, I'm quitting the music business and goin' back to chemistry.

1:00:221:00:27

That Rosie! She's finally turned you against me!

1:00:271:00:31

Oh, please, Mama. She didn't.

1:00:311:00:33

Albert, go, desert me.

1:00:331:00:35

But when I was expecting him in the maternity ward...

1:00:351:00:37

three days I waited... did I desert him?

1:00:371:00:39

No. I stayed right there so he wouldn't be alone when he was born.

1:00:391:00:44

Mama, please don't excite yourself. Mama, you know I love ya.

1:00:441:00:47

- It's just Rosie and I have plans. - OK!

1:00:471:00:50

Lou, I'll be right up.

1:00:501:00:54

Start dealing.

1:00:541:00:56

Just bury me on your front lawn so Rosie can walk all over me!

1:00:591:01:02

Mama! Mama, please!

1:01:051:01:08

It's not gas. It's electric.

1:01:081:01:10

Doris!

1:01:101:01:12

Doris, how do you like it? isn't it exciting?

1:01:151:01:19

No! I told you not to dye your hair!

1:01:191:01:23

Oh, but I wanted to! Isn't it a gas?

1:01:231:01:25

- You dare defy your mother? - But it's my hair.

1:01:251:01:29

- Not till you're 21. - What's the matter, Papa?

1:01:291:01:32

Young lady, you stay in your room till it changes back! Do you hear?

1:01:321:01:36

- I won't! - I demand respect around here.

1:01:361:01:39

- It's my hair! - Respect. Do you hear? Respect.

1:01:391:01:42

- I respect you, Papa. - I don't want your respect.

1:01:421:01:45

Who wants respect from a ten-year-old kid?

1:01:451:01:48

# Kids, I don't know what's wrong with these kids today

1:01:481:01:52

# Kids, who can understand anything they say

1:01:521:01:57

# Kids, they are disobedient disrespectful oafs

1:01:571:02:01

# Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers

1:02:011:02:04

# And while we're on the subject, kids

1:02:041:02:06

# You can talk and talk till your face is blue

1:02:061:02:10

# Kids, but they still do just what they want to do

1:02:101:02:13

# Why can't they be like we were

1:02:131:02:15

# Perfect in every way

1:02:151:02:17

# What's the matter with kids today

1:02:181:02:22

# Kids, I've tried to raise you the best I could

1:02:221:02:26

# Kids, all the things I've done were for your own good

1:02:261:02:30

# Kids, can't you once appreciate how I've sacrificed

1:02:301:02:35

# Working, slaving, scrimping saving pennies

1:02:351:02:37

# And livin' with your father, kids

1:02:371:02:39

# No-one knows the burdens I've had to bear, and in my condition

1:02:391:02:43

# Kids, I'm a poor, sick woman and does he care

1:02:431:02:46

# Ha! Go on, go on and kill me

1:02:461:02:49

# That's what it's coming to

1:02:491:02:51

# When a mother has kids like you

1:02:511:02:54

# - Kids - All the chicken soup I made for you

1:02:561:02:58

- Mama, take it easy. # - Kids

1:02:581:03:00

# Now you throw me out like a worn shoe

1:03:001:03:02

# Not in front of everybody

1:03:021:03:03

# Mom, after all, I haven't been such an awful son

1:03:031:03:08

# I never sass you back or leave a ring around the bathtub

1:03:081:03:11

# And don't I always phone you - Kids

1:03:111:03:13

# You can give your life to 'em night and day

1:03:131:03:16

# Kids, then they go get married - Married?

1:03:161:03:19

# And go away - Who's gettin' married?

1:03:191:03:21

# Why do we have these children

1:03:211:03:22

# Better to have a pet... # You know where you stand with a pet.

1:03:221:03:26

# I never asked for nothin'

1:03:281:03:31

# Nothin' is what you'll get

1:03:311:03:33

# What's the matter with kids to... #

1:03:331:03:36

I tried, Lou, but I failed.

1:03:361:03:38

Oh, ya didn't, Mama. Ya didn't.

1:03:381:03:40

Don't try to pay me back, sonny. I forgive you.

1:03:401:03:42

So what if you're an ingrate? So long as you're happy.

1:03:421:03:45

- I don't want to be happy. - Don't feel guilty.

1:03:451:03:47

Just make believe I'm an old used car. Junk me. Leave me in the gutter.

1:03:471:03:51

- I'll never leave ya. Never. - You heard him.

1:03:511:03:53

- You're a witness. - I promise, Mama.

1:03:531:03:55

- I never broke promise to my mama. - Good boy.

1:03:551:03:58

# Why can't they be like Albert

1:03:581:04:00

# Perfect in every way

1:04:001:04:02

# What's the matter with kids

1:04:021:04:03

# Yeah, what's the matter with kids

1:04:031:04:06

# Nothing's the matter with kids today. #

1:04:061:04:09

Mr Paisley, this is Rose DeLeon.

1:04:121:04:15

You asked me to call it I had any free time.

1:04:151:04:17

Well, I'm free.

1:04:171:04:20

- Very free. - Rosie!

1:04:201:04:22

Ten minutes? I'll be waiting for you.

1:04:221:04:26

Don't worry, sonny. You can always get another secretary.

1:04:291:04:32

Can you see him?

1:04:391:04:40

- No. Babette, can you see him? - I can't see him.

1:04:401:04:44

All I can see is the basketball hoop. Hey, Gretch, can you see him?

1:04:441:04:47

Conrad Birdie in our gym!

1:04:471:04:50

# Oh, oh, oh, give me one last kiss

1:04:501:04:53

# One last kiss

1:04:551:04:57

# Oh, one more time Mmm, baby, one more time

1:04:571:05:00

# It really is sublime Ah, baby, so sublime

1:05:001:05:04

# You know I need your love

1:05:041:05:07

# Oh, oh, oh, give me one last kiss

1:05:071:05:11

# One last kiss

1:05:111:05:14

# Baby

1:05:141:05:17

# Give me one last kiss

1:05:171:05:21

# Baby

1:05:211:05:26

# Give me one last kiss

1:05:261:05:29

# Oh, one last kiss

1:05:291:05:36

# Give me one last kiss

1:05:361:05:37

# It never felt like this

1:05:371:05:39

# Nah, baby, not like this

1:05:391:05:41

# You know I need your love

1:05:411:05:43

# - Oh, oh, oh... # - OK. Cut.

1:05:431:05:45

We'll rehearse the song later, Conrad.

1:05:451:05:48

- Al, what's the exact length? - Oh, uh, 1:20.

1:05:481:05:53

Check. That gives us 2:40 for Sullivan's intro to Kim...

1:05:531:05:57

Kim's good luck speech to Conrad.

1:05:571:05:59

Then Conrad socks over a plug for Army enlistments...

1:05:591:06:01

bangs into the song, and we top it off with the big kisseroo.

1:06:011:06:05

- Kim? - Yes, sir.

1:06:051:06:06

Beg pardon, but when do I make my speech?

1:06:081:06:11

Speech? What speech?

1:06:111:06:13

I promised Mr McAfee he could say a few words. After all, he's Kim's father.

1:06:131:06:17

- Yes, he is. - Kind of a hello from a proud parent.

1:06:171:06:20

All right, but ya can't have much time.

1:06:201:06:22

In fact, all you can have is 20 seconds on the nose.

1:06:221:06:25

Gotcha. I'll just say a few words, get some big laughs.

1:06:251:06:28

- And introduce the mayor. - The mayor?

1:06:281:06:30

- Ah, come on, Al. What is this? - I... We had a problem.

1:06:301:06:34

I had to give the mayor a spot to humour McAfee.

1:06:341:06:37

All right, but we'll have to take ten seconds away from McAfee.

1:06:371:06:41

I imagine songwriting must be quite a lucrative profession.

1:06:411:06:44

- Oh, yes it is. - How many records will they sell?

1:06:441:06:48

Oh, about one or two million.

1:06:481:06:50

You know, Claude, I had a perfectly wonderful time last night.

1:06:501:06:52

- You really are a wonderful dancer. - Oh, I don't know.

1:06:521:06:55

When one's heart sings, one's feet take wings.

1:06:551:06:57

Oh, how lyrical. Is that Shelley or Keats?

1:06:571:07:00

- That, my dear, is Paisley. - Really?

1:07:001:07:02

- Uh-huh. - Oh, that's wonderful.

1:07:021:07:05

- Shall we go? - Sure.

1:07:051:07:07

OK, everybody. Take your places.

1:07:101:07:13

Now come on, Kim. Just move right over there.

1:07:131:07:15

Just read it like you normally would. OK.

1:07:151:07:17

And we, your admirers, are proud that our military leaders have called upon...

1:07:171:07:21

- Conrad, honey! - Please, Mrs Peterson.

1:07:211:07:23

We're rehearsing.

1:07:231:07:25

All right now, Kim.

1:07:251:07:27

Could you move over one, please?

1:07:271:07:29

Kim, you're talking too fast. Now once more, dear, but slower.

1:07:311:07:36

- To express to you... - Tell me, Mrs Peterson.

1:07:361:07:39

- What does your husband do? - I don't know. He's dead.

1:07:391:07:42

And, and, and I want to say...

1:07:421:07:46

on behalf of all the girls who are your devoted admirers...

1:07:461:07:51

- Oh, I forgot what's next. - Come on, man. Let's go.

1:07:511:07:54

- Hi, Hugo. - They don't want all this jazz.

1:07:541:07:56

- Yeah. - They want Conrad.

1:07:561:07:58

Look. There's the camera. I bail in, I sing up a storm...

1:07:581:08:02

I give this chick the message...

1:08:021:08:04

This is my best side.

1:08:071:08:09

- Applause. - She's fainted.

1:08:091:08:10

- I'll dig you later. - Hey, enough! I'm puttin' my foot down!

1:08:101:08:13

My baby!

1:08:131:08:14

Now I'm puttin' my foot down. She's not goin' on that show!

1:08:141:08:17

Oh, yes, she is. You're not wreckin' my career.

1:08:171:08:20

- Oh, what happened? - Tell him you're through...

1:08:201:08:23

because you do not wish to humiliate your steady in this sordid fashion.

1:08:231:08:26

Hugo Peabody, you take that back!

1:08:261:08:28

I will not, but I will take my pin back.

1:08:281:08:30

Oh, with pleasure.

1:08:301:08:33

Conrad, I know you're tense, but we haven't finished.

1:08:411:08:44

- The number's not ready. - Conrad's a trooper, like I was.

1:08:441:08:47

- Us troopers get tense. - Yeah. Like she said, like.

1:08:471:08:49

Conrad, why don't you and I go for a nice ride in the country?

1:08:491:08:52

Uh-uh. Man, I hope I never get that tense.

1:08:521:08:56

I never should have said that to Rosie.

1:08:591:09:02

-Who does he think he is anyway? - Al, I got a wire here from Ed Sullivan.

1:09:021:09:05

"Russian Ballet switching to different dance requiring additional four minutes.

1:09:051:09:08

"Therefore, the entire Birdie spot must be cut to less than 30 seconds."

1:09:081:09:12

- Cut? - "Tell Peterson and Rosie...

1:09:121:09:13

"I'm sorry song is out, but no choice."

1:09:131:09:16

No. They can't do this. They can't cut the song.

1:09:161:09:19

They've already done it, kid. In 30 seconds all Birdie can do is take a bow.

1:09:191:09:23

I'm awfully sorry.

1:09:231:09:26

The Russians!

1:09:261:09:28

First they take Czechoslovakia, and now they take my four minutes.

1:09:281:09:32

- Oh, Mama. - Oh, baby!

1:09:321:09:35

Well, that's, that's show business.

1:09:351:09:38

# There are chicks just ripe for some kissin'

1:10:041:10:08

# And I mean to kiss me a few

1:10:081:10:13

# Man, those chicks don't know what they're missin'

1:10:131:10:17

# I got a lot of livin' to do

1:10:171:10:21

# Sizzlin' steaks all ready for tastin'

1:10:211:10:25

# And there's Cadillacs all shiny and new

1:10:251:10:30

# Gotta move cos time is a-wastin'

1:10:301:10:34

# I got a lot of livin' to do

1:10:341:10:38

# There's music to play places to go

1:10:381:10:40

# People to see

1:10:401:10:43

# Everything for you and me

1:10:431:10:46

# Life's a ball if only you know it

1:10:461:10:50

# And it's all just waitin' for you

1:10:501:10:54

# You're alive so come on and show it

1:10:541:10:59

# Yeah, we got a lot of livin' to do

1:10:591:11:03

# There are men

1:11:031:11:06

# With childhood behind them

1:11:061:11:09

# Handsome men

1:11:091:11:12

# From Yale or Purdue

1:11:121:11:16

# Older men

1:11:161:11:19

# And I'm gonna find 'em

1:11:191:11:24

# I got a lot of livin'

1:11:241:11:28

# To do

1:11:281:11:31

# I'm a-gonna have fun

1:11:311:11:33

# Gonna be wild

1:11:331:11:35

# Have my own way

1:11:351:11:38

# I may break

1:11:381:11:41

# A heart a day

1:11:411:11:45

# Drink champagne

1:11:451:11:48

# As if it were water

1:11:481:11:52

# Pink champagne

1:11:521:11:56

# And after a few

1:11:561:11:59

# Daddy dear

1:11:591:12:02

# You won't know your daughter

1:12:021:12:07

# She's got a lot of livin'

1:12:071:12:11

# To do

1:12:111:12:12

# Think I'll be

1:12:181:12:20

# A ring-a-ding drummer

1:12:201:12:21

# Make each week

1:12:211:12:23

# A thousand or two

1:12:231:12:25

# Gorgeous girls

1:12:251:12:27

# Will beg for my number

1:12:271:12:29

# Hey, I've got a lot of livin' to do

1:12:291:12:34

# Yes, I'm gonna break out Gonna take off

1:12:341:12:37

# Gonna be free

1:12:371:12:39

# This town is awfully square for a cat like me

1:12:391:12:42

# Or I'll be

1:12:421:12:44

# A super jet pilot

1:12:441:12:46

# Fly me high

1:12:461:12:48

# Way out in the blue

1:12:481:12:51

# And then they'll see

1:12:511:12:53

# I'm no shrinkin' violet

1:12:531:12:55

# Hey, I've got a lot of livin' to do

1:12:551:12:58

# I got a lot of livin'

1:15:241:15:28

# To do

1:15:281:15:30

# - There's music to play - Places to go

1:15:491:15:52

# People to see

1:15:521:15:54

# Ah, everything for you and me

1:15:541:15:59

# Life's a ball

1:15:591:16:01

# If only you know it

1:16:011:16:03

# Yeah, and it's all just waitin' for you

1:16:031:16:07

# Oh, you're alive

1:16:071:16:10

# So come on and show it

1:16:101:16:12

# Yeah, we got a lot of livin'

1:16:121:16:14

# Such a lot of livin'

1:16:141:16:16

# Tonight's the night we're gonna fly

1:16:161:16:18

# Let's kick this hick town into high

1:16:181:16:21

# I want a taste of everything

1:16:251:16:27

# Let's live it up and really swing

1:16:271:16:30

# Got a lot of livin', livin'

1:16:301:16:33

# Livin', livin'

1:16:331:16:35

# Livin' to do

1:16:351:16:37

# Live! #

1:16:371:16:38

But you needn't bite my head off. I only ask a civil question.

1:17:251:17:28

Ten times you've asked me.

1:17:281:17:30

I don't know why they've changed to this slow dance for the TV.

1:17:301:17:33

But if Albert can't get him to cut it shorter...

1:17:331:17:35

tomorrow night I won't be on Ed Sullivan.

1:17:351:17:37

Neither will Kim. You know how much it means to her.

1:17:371:17:39

- How about m... - Well, anyway...

1:17:391:17:41

Albert's still in with the managers, so that's a good sign.

1:17:411:17:44

If Eisenhower couldn't handle the Russians, how is Albert?

1:17:441:17:47

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

1:17:481:17:51

HE REPLIES IN RUSSIAN

1:17:511:17:55

Da zdravstvujet Jack Kennedy.

1:17:571:17:59

- Oh, long live Joseph Stalin. - Oh!

1:17:591:18:02

I mean, Stalin lived too long.

1:18:021:18:04

Long live Khrushchev.

1:18:041:18:06

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

1:18:121:18:14

HE READS RUSSIAN

1:18:181:18:23

Save your life? Me?

1:18:231:18:26

My friend, if you are sick, see a doctor.

1:18:261:18:28

If you're sick, see a doctor. You speak English?

1:18:301:18:33

It saves time.

1:18:331:18:35

What can I do for you, uh, Mr Peterson?

1:18:351:18:39

Sir, I have come to appeal to you.

1:18:401:18:43

That ballet, the one that you're doing on TV tomorrow night...

1:18:431:18:46

Da, for Mr Ed Sullivan.

1:18:461:18:48

Yeah. That's the one. Could you just cut that four minutes?

1:18:481:18:52

Well, it's beautiful. I love it, but my life depends on it.

1:18:521:18:57

Desecrate this classic?

1:18:571:18:59

I need the time for Conrad Birdie to sing my song.

1:18:591:19:02

Who sent you here? Senator Goldwater?

1:19:031:19:06

Will you cut three minutes?

1:19:061:19:09

Two minutes?

1:19:091:19:11

A minute and a halt.

1:19:111:19:13

To cut even ten seconds would be artistic sabotage.

1:19:131:19:17

This ballet has historic significance.

1:19:171:19:20

It was performed the same day as the funeral of the czar.

1:19:201:19:23

Lenin himself made the arrangement.

1:19:231:19:25

- Lenin arranged music? - No! Funerals!

1:19:261:19:29

- Hello, Rose. - Oh, hi, Kim. You still up?

1:19:351:19:40

Oh, I'm so miserable, Rose.

1:19:401:19:43

I've lost Hugo, and now I'm not even going to be on TV.

1:19:431:19:46

Why not?

1:19:461:19:48

The ballet's taking tour extra minutes, so Birdie's song and the kiss are out.

1:19:481:19:53

Oh, serves Albert right.

1:19:531:19:56

Oh, now come on. Relax.

1:19:561:19:58

Faithless men like Albert and Hugo...

1:19:581:20:00

they're all alike... from puberty to stupidity...

1:20:001:20:03

from Benedict Arnold to Mussolini.

1:20:031:20:05

Men. We laugh at them, right?

1:20:051:20:09

It's easy for you to pick up the pieces of your shattered dream.

1:20:091:20:14

You've found a compensation.

1:20:141:20:17

Ah, that Claude Paisley is just too much.

1:20:171:20:21

He's too much, all right. But I won't mention of what.

1:20:231:20:27

All that charm, so genteel,

1:20:271:20:30

so educated, so underhanded!

1:20:301:20:33

You mean Mr Paisley's like all the rest?

1:20:351:20:38

I thought he was the marrying type.

1:20:381:20:40

Oh, he is.

1:20:401:20:42

He wanted to elope tonight.

1:20:421:20:44

And you know what? He'd like to live in New York.

1:20:441:20:47

Uh, not to teach... to be a songwriter.

1:20:471:20:49

A songwriter?

1:20:491:20:51

He's all the things I want to get away from.

1:20:521:20:55

Oh, I'm sorry.

1:20:551:20:56

I never dreamed that Mr Paisley, of all men...

1:20:561:21:00

Oh, well. Men. They're only out to use us, Kim.

1:21:001:21:04

I know. Hugo's used me since we were freshman.

1:21:041:21:07

All those years I wasted on Albert.

1:21:071:21:10

Rosie the dependable one, Rosie the patient one...

1:21:101:21:13

Rosie the good girl.

1:21:131:21:15

I know it sounds fashioned, but I'm not ashamed to admit it.

1:21:151:21:18

- I'm still a good girl. - Rose?

1:21:181:21:20

- Hmm? - So am I.

1:21:201:21:23

No kidding?

1:21:251:21:28

Well, you won't be sorry.

1:21:281:21:31

- Are you going out so late? - Mm-hmm.

1:21:351:21:37

My farewell to Sweet Apple... a night to remember. I'm going to Maude's Cafe.

1:21:371:21:41

Maude's? That's a wild place.

1:21:411:21:45

You're not gonna do anything rash?

1:21:451:21:48

Whatever you hear about me, Kim...

1:21:481:21:50

just tell them that she loved not wisely, but too well.

1:21:501:21:54

This is the place, Albert... hottest spot in the county.

1:22:051:22:08

- How do you know? - Oh, I heard, only heard.

1:22:081:22:11

Albert, don't go in that place.

1:22:111:22:14

- I must. it's the only way. - But drinking won't solve anything.

1:22:141:22:17

He's frustrated.

1:22:171:22:20

Good-bye.

1:22:201:22:23

Thanks.

1:22:241:22:25

I'd go in there with ya it I weren't a happy family man

1:22:251:22:27

and not allowed to enjoy myself.

1:22:271:22:29

Oh, please, Mister, I... Oh, my arm!

1:22:291:22:31

- I just want to... - I'm telling you for the last time!

1:22:311:22:34

- All I want is a drink. - No drinks! Now get lost!

1:22:341:22:37

Well, just a pint of bourbon? Gin? Scotch?

1:22:371:22:41

Well, how about a malted with a little vodka?

1:22:411:22:43

Come back when you're 21.

1:22:431:22:45

Oh, well, I'm way over 21. I only look young from too much drinkin'.

1:22:451:22:50

Oh, look at me. Look at the shell of a human being...

1:22:551:22:58

the monster you've created.

1:22:581:23:00

Oh, I'm sorry about... Uh, Hugo, don't worry. You'll get Kim back.

1:23:001:23:04

No, thanks. The bloom is off the rose.

1:23:041:23:08

Rose. Little Rose...

1:23:081:23:12

a precious flower that I trampled on.

1:23:121:23:15

There you go.

1:23:301:23:32

A toast to Mae. She's OK.

1:23:321:23:35

I'm a songwriter too, huh?

1:23:351:23:37

Would you call the McAfee house again and see if my Al... Sonny!

1:23:371:23:40

Mama, what are you doin' in a place like this?

1:23:401:23:42

We're playin' canasta. I got lonesome.

1:23:421:23:44

- Did you cut the Russians? - And why are you consorting with him?

1:23:441:23:47

- Glad to meet you. - Now looks ain't everything.

1:23:471:23:49

Besides, Mr Maude is 100% gentlemen and a widower.

1:23:491:23:52

Three times. Sit down, Albert.

1:23:521:23:54

Any son of Mae Peterson is a friend of mine. Come. Sit down. Go on.

1:23:541:23:58

Mama, get your things. We're taking the bus to New York tonight.

1:23:581:24:01

Your song! it's all off?

1:24:011:24:02

- It's dead, like I am. Let's go. - You ain't going, Mae. Say you ain't!

1:24:021:24:06

- You unhand her. Come on, Mama. - OK, buster. Set 'em up!

1:24:061:24:09

Double scotch and gin on the side and, uh, a bourbon chaser.

1:24:091:24:13

Make that a triple chaser, and bring on the dancing boys!

1:24:131:24:17

Well, come on. Make me the drinks, Meyer. We gotta put out this fire.

1:24:171:24:20

# Everything is Rosie

1:24:221:24:24

# Cha, cha, cha

1:24:241:24:25

- 'Cause my name is Rosie - Oh, the poor thing.

1:24:251:24:27

- Fifi, huh - She can't get over me.

1:24:271:24:30

She's singing the song I wrote for her.

1:24:301:24:32

You wrote her a song?

1:24:321:24:33

Well, only eight bars, Mama. Somehow I never could finish it.

1:24:331:24:36

Hey, what's with the red cap? You got a train inside?

1:24:361:24:41

Where are you goin'?

1:24:461:24:48

I'm gonna go down and see what the boys in the back room will have.

1:24:481:24:50

Albert, where are you going?

1:24:501:24:52

To save her from herself...

1:24:521:24:54

To save her for me. She might get in trouble.

1:24:541:24:57

Report on the charity bazaar we ran for the benefit of the old folk home...

1:24:571:25:01

to wit net cash receipts, 840.06.

1:25:011:25:07

Valuable goods contributed, two milk cows, live...

1:25:071:25:12

80 lugs of fresh fruit...

1:25:121:25:14

45 young cumquat trees...

1:25:141:25:17

one ton of fertilizer...

1:25:171:25:20

And now, before the recording secretary

1:25:331:25:36

reads the minutes from last week's meeting

1:25:361:25:38

I wish to bring up a subject

1:25:381:25:40

that I know is on everybody's mind...

1:25:401:25:44

tonight.

1:25:441:25:45

As I was saying, gentlemen...

1:26:451:26:47

Yeah!

1:27:171:27:18

Yeah!

1:27:491:27:50

No. Listen, fellas... Watch out!

1:28:431:28:45

Rosie, baby.

1:29:431:29:45

Good morning, darling.

1:29:511:29:53

Way past noon. Sleep OK, honey?

1:29:531:29:55

Mm-hmm. I tried not to.

1:29:551:29:58

I wanted to keep reliving that wonderful moment...

1:29:581:30:01

When my shining knight

1:30:031:30:06

rushed into the sultan's cave

1:30:061:30:08

and carried me off.

1:30:081:30:10

Oh, that's just the beginning.

1:30:121:30:14

Pack. We're takin' the bus to Niagara Falls.

1:30:141:30:18

Oh, yes, dear.

1:30:181:30:19

You never saw me in pyjamas before.

1:30:261:30:31

You disappointed?

1:30:311:30:32

Mm-mm.

1:30:321:30:34

Are you?

1:30:371:30:39

Let's take a plane to Niagara Falls, a jet!

1:30:471:30:52

Albert, we came here to get your mother set financially...

1:30:571:31:00

and our marriage wouldn't have a chance...

1:31:001:31:03

if we started off feeling guilty about deserting her.

1:31:031:31:05

That's right. It may be a long time before I make any money.

1:31:051:31:09

Not if Birdie sang your song tonight.

1:31:091:31:11

No chance. I pleaded.

1:31:111:31:14

They won't shorten the ballet... not even ten seconds.

1:31:141:31:17

it's the slowest dance I ever saw. They move like turtles.

1:31:171:31:20

Albert!

1:31:231:31:24

- What? - Randolph!

1:31:241:31:27

Boys, those are really showstoppers.

1:31:321:31:34

Frank, Dean and Sammy, come on out here and take a bow.

1:31:341:31:37

Frank, Dean and Sammy McWilliams. Thank you, boys.

1:31:391:31:44

Right now, here on our stage, the magnificent orchestra...

1:31:441:31:48

of American composer-conductor Ray Block.

1:31:481:31:50

Now, really. Let's hear it.

1:31:501:31:52

Well, that ought to do it. Any questions?

1:31:521:31:54

- No, sir. Not at all. - OK. I'm going backstage.

1:31:541:31:56

Right.

1:31:561:31:58

Don't know why I let that Albert drag us here.

1:32:021:32:04

Rosie said she might have a big surprise for us.

1:32:041:32:07

Maybe they'll show us sitting here on TV. I bet that's it.

1:32:071:32:10

- Where did you get all that money? - I sold Mr Peterson my chemical set.

1:32:101:32:14

- Two minutes, maestro. - Borov will be there.

1:32:161:32:21

Have never been late for performance in whole career.

1:32:211:32:24

- You say you from magazine? - Uh, yes. American Ballet magazine.

1:32:261:32:29

We want a picture of the world's greatest conductor, Maestro Borov.

1:32:291:32:33

You flatter me. So, shoot me quick.

1:32:331:32:37

Uh, drinking this milk.

1:32:371:32:40

- Milk? - Yes.

1:32:401:32:42

We drink vodka, little flower.

1:32:421:32:45

Oh, well, no, thank you. Please, maestro. This milk.

1:32:451:32:49

You see, our president has asked us to drink more milk...

1:32:491:32:51

and it would be a goodwill gesture.

1:32:511:32:53

- President? - Yes.

1:32:531:32:55

Oh, won't you, please, maestro to improve our relations?

1:32:551:32:59

You are pretty enough to be un-American.

1:33:011:33:03

All right. Here we go. Drink up. That's it.

1:33:051:33:08

Now keep drinking until I frame you... Uh, frame you perfectly. All right.

1:33:081:33:13

Bottoms up. That's it.

1:33:131:33:16

Very good.

1:33:201:33:22

You've got it. I mean, gotcha!

1:33:241:33:26

See you after, could be?

1:33:281:33:30

- I'll catch up with ya. - And for you I do not go too fast.

1:33:301:33:34

We shall see.

1:33:351:33:36

Good-bye. Thank you.

1:33:381:33:40

Mission accomplished.

1:33:501:33:52

- He drank it? - Yeah.

1:33:521:33:54

My formula works on chickens and Randolph's turtle...

1:33:541:33:56

but I don't know about humans.

1:33:561:33:58

Well, if it doesn't, we're no worse off...

1:33:581:34:00

but if it does, this will be the shortest ballet in history.

1:34:001:34:02

And now, ready America and Canada?

1:34:021:34:04

Because here we go out to Columbus, Ohio...

1:34:041:34:07

where the Moscow Ballet dances "The Rose Adagio"

1:34:071:34:11

from Tchaikovsky's Sleeping Beauty

1:34:111:34:13

conducted by Maestro Borov.

1:34:131:34:15

Take it away, CBS Columbus, Ohio.

1:34:151:34:18

We're on. Up on one.

1:34:181:34:20

Lights.

1:34:271:34:30

Camera two, can you move to your right just a couple of feet?

1:35:341:35:37

Magnificent.

1:36:071:36:08

It's not gonna work.

1:36:301:36:32

MUSIC TURNS ERRATIC

1:37:021:37:05

This is crazy. That's not the way it was rehearsed.

1:37:141:37:17

What is it, sabotage?

1:37:191:37:21

LAUGHTER

1:37:241:37:26

LAUGHTER

1:37:331:37:36

Borov!

1:37:381:37:41

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

1:37:521:37:55

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

1:37:571:38:00

We'll have to fill some time. Put the Birdie song back in.

1:38:171:38:20

Gotcha, Ed.

1:38:201:38:22

Take over. Be prepared for the Birdie spot.

1:38:221:38:25

LAUGHTER

1:38:251:38:27

Albert, "One Last Kiss" is back in. Find Conrad. Rosie, get Kim.

1:38:311:38:34

- Right. - Put the Birdie spot on stage. Let's go!

1:38:341:38:37

McAfee, hurry up! Come on. Let's go. The song is back in!

1:38:481:38:51

- A miracle happened! Let's go! - What? Come on!

1:38:511:38:53

Are you crazy, Borov?

1:39:161:39:18

CHEERING AND ANGRY SHOUTS

1:39:271:39:31

Ay-yai-yai!

1:39:351:39:36

I've never seen such speedin' dancers. Thank you, Moscow Ballet...

1:39:421:39:46

for that brilliant and unexpected bit of burlesque.

1:39:461:39:48

And now, another great treat

1:39:481:39:50

Conrad Birdie. Ee-yo!

1:39:501:39:52

GIRLS SCREAM

1:39:521:39:57

On behalf of all the members

1:40:211:40:24

of the Sweet Apple chapter of the Conrad Birdie Fan Club...

1:40:241:40:27

GIRLS SCREAM

1:40:271:40:29

..we wish to express to you

1:40:311:40:33

our great pride in your brave deed.

1:40:331:40:36

- Hiya, Ed. - Oh, no.

1:40:361:40:39

Oh, hi. How are ya?

1:40:421:40:44

I wish to convey our deep pride

1:40:501:40:52

in your brave deed, namely...

1:40:521:40:54

As a citizen, I'm proud to have Conrad

1:40:541:40:57

defend my family and the McAfee Fertilizer Company.

1:40:571:41:01

Conrad, sing!

1:41:021:41:04

# Oh, one last kiss

1:41:061:41:10

# Give me one last kiss

1:41:101:41:11

# It never felt like this

1:41:111:41:13

# Nah, baby, not like this

1:41:131:41:16

# You know I need your love

1:41:161:41:18

# Give me one last kiss

1:41:191:41:22

# One last kiss

1:41:221:41:25

# Oh, one more time

1:41:251:41:26

# Mmm, baby, one more time

1:41:261:41:28

# It really is sublime

1:41:281:41:31

# Ah, honey, so sublime

1:41:311:41:33

# You know I need your love

1:41:331:41:36

# Give me one last kiss

1:41:371:41:39

# One last kiss

1:41:391:41:42

# Ba-a-a-aby

1:41:431:41:47

# Give me one last kiss

1:41:471:41:50

# Ba-a-a-aby

1:41:501:41:56

# Give me one la... #

1:41:561:41:57

Argh!

1:41:571:41:59

Yoo-hoo! Albert!

1:42:061:42:09

I saw it all on TV. "One Last Kiss" was a disaster.

1:42:121:42:15

Who wants to buy a record of a guy with a glass jaw?

1:42:151:42:17

Now will you take Mama's advice and get out of show business?

1:42:171:42:20

I am! My song may be dead, but my chemical formula works on people.

1:42:201:42:24

Shh. The Russians may have this place bugged.

1:42:241:42:26

It was Albert's formula that made the orchestra leader go that fast.

1:42:261:42:30

My genius!

1:42:301:42:32

You gotta work on my cleaning woman. She gets a dollar an hour.

1:42:321:42:35

Yeah. Mama...

1:42:351:42:38

Mama...

1:42:391:42:40

Rosie and I are going to Niagara Falls.

1:42:401:42:43

Well...

1:42:441:42:46

..it's about time.

1:42:481:42:50

Oh, Mae! You have to come with us!

1:42:541:42:57

No. I'm one mother, doesn't mix in. Maude!

1:42:571:43:00

Don't tall in the pit, Maude.

1:43:001:43:03

- Albert? - Yes.

1:43:041:43:05

I would like to do things proper.

1:43:051:43:08

So I would like the honour of becoming your stepfather.

1:43:081:43:10

Is it all right, Albert?

1:43:121:43:14

Mama, with my blessing!

1:43:141:43:16

I'm glad because we just got married.

1:43:161:43:19

Yes.

1:43:191:43:20

- What a surprise! - How exciting! It's beautiful!

1:43:231:43:27

- Congratulations! - Thank you very much.

1:43:271:43:29

Let's go, Maudie! We're leavin' for Akron.

1:43:291:43:32

Hubby has to open a new bar and he wants me to throw out the first beer can.

1:43:321:43:34

Yeah! Good-bye, son!

1:43:341:43:36

The falls are wet. Take your rubbers!

1:43:361:43:38

- Bye! - Yes, Mrs Maude.

1:43:381:43:40

How about that? Maude and Mrs Peterson.

1:43:401:43:42

- Oh, ready here, Albert. - Be right with you.

1:43:421:43:44

No hurry, partner.

1:43:441:43:47

I promise you one thing, snookums.

1:43:471:43:49

No matter how many millions I make sellin' Speed Up

1:43:491:43:51

I'll still be the same, humble, lovable guy.

1:43:511:43:54

And it any of those hicks try to push me around, I'll break 'em.

1:43:541:43:58

# Everything is Rosie

1:44:011:44:04

# Since I found my Rosie... #

1:44:041:44:07

Same old words.

1:44:071:44:09

# With a girl like Rosie

1:44:091:44:13

# How could I be blue... #

1:44:131:44:15

Same eight bars. Now what?

1:44:151:44:17

# Hand in hand, we'll mosey

1:44:171:44:20

# Me and little Rosie

1:44:201:44:23

# We will be so cosy

1:44:231:44:26

# By a fire built for two... #

1:44:261:44:29

Oh, Albert, you're too much.

1:44:291:44:31

# Oh, I once heard a poem that goes

1:44:311:44:35

# A rose is a rose is a rose

1:44:351:44:39

# But I don't agree

1:44:391:44:41

# Take it from me

1:44:411:44:43

# There's one rose sweeter than any that grows

1:44:431:44:46

# And that's my Rosie

1:44:461:44:48

# I'm so glad she chose me

1:44:491:44:52

# Life is one sweet

1:44:521:44:55

# Beautiful song to me

1:44:551:44:58

# Everything is Hugo

1:44:581:45:02

# I will go where you'll go

1:45:021:45:06

# With a boy like Hugo

1:45:061:45:09

# How could I be blue

1:45:091:45:12

# We will be so cosy

1:45:121:45:17

# Just like Al and Rosie

1:45:171:45:21

# But we're gonna mosey

1:45:211:45:24

# In a hot-rod built for two

1:45:241:45:27

# - And that's my Rosie - Gee, how delighted we'll be

1:45:291:45:32

# - I'm so glad she chose me - When you are cosy with me

1:45:321:45:36

# Life is one sweet beautiful song

1:45:361:45:40

# When love is right then what could be wrong

1:45:401:45:43

# Life is one sweet

1:45:431:45:47

# Beautiful song to me

1:45:471:45:51

# Bye, bye

1:45:541:45:56

# Birdie

1:45:561:45:59

# The army's got you now

1:45:591:46:03

# I'll try

1:46:031:46:05

# Birdie

1:46:051:46:07

# To forget somehow

1:46:071:46:11

# No more

1:46:121:46:15

# Sighing

1:46:151:46:17

# Each time you move those lips

1:46:171:46:20

# No more

1:46:201:46:22

# Dying

1:46:221:46:25

# When you twitch those hips

1:46:251:46:28

# Your swivel and your sway

1:46:281:46:30

# Your super-duper class

1:46:301:46:32

# There's nothing left to say

1:46:321:46:34

# But, Conrad, you're a gas

1:46:341:46:38

# Bye, bye

1:46:391:46:40

# Birdie

1:46:401:46:43

# Ta, ta, ol' sweetie pie

1:46:431:46:47

# Bye, bye

1:46:471:46:49

# Birdie

1:46:491:46:51

# Time for me to fly

1:46:511:46:55

# Time for me to fly

1:46:551:47:00

# Time to say good-bye. #

1:47:001:47:04

Bye, now.

1:47:041:47:05

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