The Boys Are Back

'I don't know whether you've ever seen a map of a person's mind.'

'Doctors sometimes draw maps of other parts of you

'and your own map can become intensely interesting.'

'But catch them trying to draw a map of a child's mind,

'which is not only confused, but keeps going round all the time.'

'There are zigzag lines on it,

'just like your temperature on a card. And these

'are probably roads in the island.'

'For the Neverland is always more or less an island.'

-What the hell do you think you're doing?!

-No, it's OK! It's fine!

-HORN BLARES

-Get off the beach, moron!

-What's your problem?!

-What are you doing, you clown?!

Take it easy. Relax. LAUGHS

You're insane! Get that child off there!

-Whoo! Right on!

-CONTINUES LAUGHING

CHILD GIGGLES

-Want to get wet?

-No! I don't want to!

You do, you love it. CHILD SCREAMS

CHILD SCREAMS AND LAUGHS

LAUGHS

Whoo! CHILD SCREAMS

Get off the windscreen, you horrible little monster.

CHILD IMITATES GUN

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Whoo-hoo! Yee-hah! Whoo!

'I wouldn't be the first to say that life is a journey

'that must be travelled no matter how bad the road.'

'When Artie's mother was alive, the place didn't look like this.'

'The house was just so much more welcoming. Everywhere you turned,

'Katy was there - in the smell of freshly picked rosemary

'in the kitchen, the tomatoes from the garden,

'the vase of flowers in the window.'

'We miss that now.'

'We do miss that.'

-GIGGLES:

-That's not washing your face! Are you crazy?

"The Neverland is always more or less an island,

"with astonishing splashes of colour here and there and coral reefs

"and rakish-looking craft in the offing." Do you want to read some?

Here.

"You could say of them

"that they have each other's noise..."

-CHUCKLES:

-Nose.

"..nose and so forth..."

-CHILDREN SHOUT AND SQUEAL

-That looks good, Mum.

-I hope I've made enough.

-CAR HORN TOOTS

-MAN: Katy, he's here.

-Look, Artie, it's your long-lost father!

Daddy!

-Hello, stranger.

-Hey, you.

-Daddy!

-Hey, cheeky bum! Here's your pressie.

-Welcome home, mate.

-Digby.

-Good copy.

-You liked the piece on Nadal?

-How was the old country?

Same old Wimbledon - strawberries with lashings of English rain. Hey.

-Hi.

-Good to see you.

-Hiya, Barbara.

-Hi.

-You've done all this for me?

Oh, as if!

-That got my name on it, Tom?

-Yep.

Kids, let's have an Olympic race.

-On your markies, get your car keys, go!

-Go!

Come back for sunscreen when you're done!

'And so we lived happily ever after.'

'Now, you know that's not true, don't you?'

Is this OK?

-You look great.

-But?

-But what?

-There's a but in your voice. You don't like it?

-I do, it's just...

-Just...what?

-It's a little black number.

-What can I say?

-What does that mean?

-I like this one.

-Oh, for God's sake.

-Do you want me to change?

-No.

Then tell me you like this dress.

I'll tell you I love the dress, but only on the strict understanding

-that you know I'm not telling the truth, OK?

-Just tell me

-what you think of it.

-I love that dress. That dress is fantastic!

Thank you. At last!

ALL CHATTER

-Excuse me. Sorry. Hi.

-How are you?

-I need some air.

We're just going to grab some air. Thank you. Nice to meet you.

Oh, my God. You just saved me from the most boring man ever!

SHE LAUGHS

My God, you're beautiful.

In a slightly spooky kinda way.

SHE GASPS AND GROANS Katy?!

These'll be safer with you.

I'm so sorry.

Don't be silly.

-She'll be fine, I know she will.

-How do you know?

-I know her. It won't defeat her.

-What, you know she's immortal?

-No, I'm just saying...

-Digby, she's sicker than shit!

The cancer is rooted in her bowel and growing through her

like Russian vine. She's got tumours in her intestine and liver,

it's probably in her lungs.

You don't have a clue what you're talking about.

I'm so sorry.

TOILET FLUSHES

SHE WHEEZES AND GASPS

SHE GASPS RAPIDLY

GAS HISSES

It's OK, sweetheart. Gently.

Ssshhh.

HUMS QUIETLY

Hey.

ARTIE SINGS

You know how Mummy's been getting more and more tired

because she's been so ill?

-We think that soon she's going to go into a very deep sleep.

-I don't know.

A sleep so deep that...

we don't think she's ever going to wake up again.

We think she's going to die.

When?

-Soon.

-Will Mummy die by dinner time?

I don't know.

Will she die by...bedtime?

-I don't know, sweetheart. None of us knows.

-OK.

Whee!

CLATTERING

Katy?

-Katy?

-I'm making Artie's lunch.

-The way he likes it.

-It's the middle of the night.

-What?

-Artie's in bed, sweetheart.

He's asleep.

-SIGHS:

-No.

-It's OK.

SHE BREATHES SLOWLY

SHE STOPS BREATHING

SHE INHALES SLOWLY

BIRDSONG

WIND CHIMES TINKLE

Did Mummy die last night?

Artie!

See?! See?! I told you! I told you!

-What did you tell me?

-I told you Mummy would die last night.

Oh, love!

GASPS

-SOBS:

-Oh, my baby!

My baby!

My baby! My baby!

SHE SOBS

Oh, my beautiful baby!

SHE CONTINUES SOBBING

-PHONE:

-"If you want to leave a message for Felicity or Harry,

-"speak after the tone."

-BEEPING: Flick, it's Joe.

I guess it's about lunch time there. Could you call me as...

'Dad?'

Harry!

-'Hi.'

-I thought you'd be away at school.

'Are you OK? What is it you wanted to tell Mum?'

Katy passed away in the early hours of this morning.

'Oh...

'I'm so sorry.'

-Could you tell your mother for me?

-'Of course.'

Harry, can I call you back?

-'Are you going to be OK?'

-Yeah, course I am.

-I love you.

-'I love you, too.

'Miss you, Daddy.'

QUIET CHATTER

-Daddy?

-Yes, sweetheart?

I want to die.

Do you?

-Why?

-So I can be with Mummy.

Don't worry, Daddy, I'll stay down here with you for now.

Thanks.

-Take care.

-I'll see you soon, all right?

ARTIE IMITATES AEROPLANE

Come on, Artie, let's get you into your jammies. Artie!

B, leave him alone. Let him run around if he wants.

Do you really need that?

-Well, at least you should try and eat something.

-I can't do this.

SOBS

ENGINE STARTS

Oh. What's that you're drawing?

It's a man taking Mummy away on the tray. And here's a tree.

Dada! Guess what!

-Grandpa let me sit on the tractor!

-Hey.

-Go and get your things together.

-Why?

-I thought we'd go away for a while, just you and me.

-Where?

-I dunno. A road trip.

-What will we do?

-What do you want to do?

-Go to Splash Planet!

-We'll see.

-Go and get your stuff.

-OK.

-Is this a good idea?

-Well, I obviously think so.

Thanks for taking him.

-Where will you go?

-I don't know yet.

-Running away is never the answer, Joe.

-He sees me as someone

who comes home after weeks away bringing presents.

-We need to spend some time together.

-And afterwards?

-Afterwards what?

-Well, when you need to work. Will I have him?

-Not if you don't want to.

-That's not what I'm saying.

I left my other boy when he was six to be with Katy. I need to know

how to talk to him. I need to know how to comfort him.

This isn't about a week on the road or about sweets and treats,

this is about structure and routine and security.

I'm his father. It's my decision.

-I think you're making a big mistake.

-Wouldn't be the first time.

Give Nana a kiss.

-Bye, Nana.

-Bye-bye, darling.

Bye.

# All the wild horses

# All the wild horses

# Tethered with tears

# In their eyes

# May no man's touch

# Ever tame you

# May no man's reins

# Ever chain you

# And may no man's... #

-Can we get a car like that?

-A convertible?

-One without a roof.

-Why? So Mummy can see me in the car

and drop down messages to me.

Can we?

TAPPING

TAPPING GETS LOUDER Hey.

What are you doing? Stop it.

Artie, stop it.

Artie!

Stop it!

What is it? What's the matter? Are you hungry? You want a drink?

Talk to me, sweetheart. What is it?

We'll go to the shop, OK?

We'll go to the shop and I'll get you a juice and some crisps. Yeah?

Does that sound good?

Are you going to come in and help me choose?

-I don't want orange juice.

-What? You always have orange.

-I said I don't want orange juice!

-ARTIE GRUNTS

Artie! Artie, it's all right.

Look. There's crisps, OK? You're hungry. Just eat some crisps.

YELLS

For God's sake...

What can you do?

Pick him up. He's upset.

Comfort him. Give him a cuddle.

-He doesn't want me to.

-Rubbish.

He's having a fit. You don't cuddle people then.

-You're vile.

-True.

-I couldn't leave him like that. Talk to him.

-It's not me he wants.

It's you.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

That's all right.

WATER SPLASHES

What are you up to in there?

Artie?

SQUEALING AND SPLASHING

-LAUGHS:

-Can I do it again, Daddy?

Oh, my God.

Can I, Daddy? Can I?

Please? Can I? Can I?

Yes.

Here goes!

-LAUGHS:

-Again! Again!

-Hang on, hang on,

you need some more water. LAUGHS

Big splash coming up! Whoo!

TV CHATTER

Artie?

Oh, sweetheart...

Welcome back, travellers.

-I think it's a chocolate.

-Here you go, mate.

-Thanks.

-What's the second number?

-Eat up, Daniel. Come on. He won't eat, Mummy.

-Digby... Thanks.

OK. Back in a minute.

-Come on, bubby.

-You'll love this.

-Excuse, darling.

It's our little feeding ritual.

Come on, bubba. Ooh, some water in there!

Where's Daddy? Where is he? Here he is!

Where's Daddy? Look! Open up...

Whoo! Yeah! Good boy! Good boy!

Oh, look at Daddy! What's Daddy doing? There he is!

-Oh, good boy!

-HE LAUGHS

One more spoonful. Good boy!

CHILDREN CHATTER

"They don't live in the trees like we did."

It looks like he's doing OK, considering.

Yeah, but what chance does he stand now?

-He's got you.

-That's what I mean.

Shouldn't the state intervene to make sure a woman looks after children?

Don't look at me.

I've got to do tricks on my lawn mower to get my child to eat.

What do I know?

Artie, come on. I can't be late.

Artie!

-Oh, great. Let's go.

-But I'm not dressed.

-I know. Why not?

-Cos I haven't got any clothes.

Look on the line.

-Can I have a Mars bar?

-No, you bloody can't!

We just need you to undress straight into the washing machine

and the system will be faultless.

-Artie, eat your toast.

-It's got crusts.

-What?

-I don't like it with crusts.

It's fine. Just eat it, OK?

You know what happens when you don't eat.

This is my kangaroo, Nibbles, and we rescue injured kangaroos

and we keep them at home.

-Don't forget the parent meeting.

-Sorry?

In the hall after school if you can make it.

And he eats kangaroo pellets, carrots,

and we sometimes give him treats.

And Nibbles sleeps in a pouch and when they are older,

they don't need a pouch, they go in a big yard.

And this one's still in a heated pouch.

All right! What about you, Lucy? You want to talk about Tinka?

Well, I learned to swim and she, erm, teached me

-and I done the doggy paddle.

-Aw...

-All right, your turn, Johnny. Who you got?

-This is my fish

and I like it because it's looking at me right now for some reason

and, erm, all my other fishes died.

Aw... Do you want to say something about the cat?

Cat food looks better than it tastes.

KIDS LAUGH

All right, who's next?

-It's all there.

-Thanks.

-Should be self-explanatory.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. We might as well start with sport.

Joe, what have you got for me?

-No rush.

-First up, cricket...

No, no, not you. Joe.

Yeah, we're, erm... We're... leading...

..with the... Aussie touring party to India

who were well and truly stuffed in Jaipur by the Rajasthan Academy 11.

-ALL LAUGH

-Good to have you back.

-Good to be back.

-OK, what's next?

Hi. Joe Warr. Sorry I'm late.

And thanks for sorting him out this morning.

I promise you, he doesn't eat cat food.

Not at home, anyway. We don't have a cat.

SIGHS So, how do you think he's doing?

I know it's only his first day back, but how does he seem to you?

Erm... I'm...

Everyone grieves differently, I suppose.

There are some times where he plays happily

and charts his mother's progress in heaven, and then other times...

At some point every day, he collapses into a sort of coma.

Sinks to the floor and just lies there.

Half an hour later, he gets up and carries on like nothing's happened.

He has some very weird moods. But then, so do I.

-You do actually know I'm not Artie's teacher?

-Hmm?

I'm Lucy's mum. She's in Artie's class.

-Right.

-I'm waiting for Miss West myself.

-But this morning, you were...

-I was just helping out.

-Of course you were.

-Yeah...

-Is that Miss West?

-Mm-hm.

She's a... different person altogether.

I know. Spooky, isn't it?

Right.

Well, er, I'll just join the queue, then.

-Are you sure you don't teach here?

-Well, I do take them for art.

-So, how did it go?

-He seems to be doing rather better than I am.

You know, if there's anything I could do,

-if you ever want me to take him...

-Really?

Yeah. Absolutely. Three mouths are as easy to feed as two, so...

-It'd be a pleasure. I'm in the buzz book.

-Sorry?

Here, give me your phone.

PHONE RINGS

There we are. Now we've got each other's.

-HORN

-What are you doing?

-That hurt!

-You never cross the road without me!

Oh, come on, Artie, I said I'm sorry.

-KATY:

-He's hungry.

-That's why I'm shopping.

It's a bit pathetic, isn't it, both of you sulking like five-year-olds?

How long are you planning on keeping this up?

-I don't have any plans.

-Why don't you take him to Mum?

Why don't you ask for help?

We aren't meant to do these things by ourselves.

He's got no-one to go to and say how mean you're being.

That's true. That is definitely true.

Hey, cheeky bum. Come up here and sit with me.

Come on.

Now, you see that puddle?

-Yeah.

-You drive, OK?

-OK.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah!

-Now, don't miss!

-I won't!

-Let's go!

-On your markies,

get your car keys, go!

Whoa! ARTIE SQUEALS

Again! Again!

ARTIE SQUEALS

'Now, you don't need to know anything about biology

or fluid mechanics to deduce that Michael Fred Phelps III

is built for speed. He just looks so racy.'

'If you ran your hands over his naked flanks,

and, let's face it, you know you want to,

his skin would feel as smooth as his neoprene wetsuit.'

'With his flipper feet and paddle hands,

his six-foot-seven wingspan, he must surely be the result

of some devilish American experiment in bionics.'

DOORBELL

-Oh, hi! How was Sydney?

-Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Hey! Look who's here! Giz a cuddle!

He's been great. Haven't you?

He's eaten really well and we washed Mac.

Oh! That's where he was!

Oh, look, he did these pictures at school today.

Thanks, Laura. I really appreciate it.

Any time.

Can I go and live at Laura's?

-What?

-Can I go and live at Laura's?

I'll come back and visit you so you won't be lonely

but I'll live at Laura's and Lucy's.

You want to go and live there, do you?

Fine. But if you're going to go, then you have to go tonight,

so pack your bag and I'll take you back there.

Daddy? Are you all right?

Daddy?

ARTIE SOBS

-So, what do you want to do?

-I'll do what you want me to do.

-What?

-Whatever you want me to do.

I want you to stay here. I want you to live with me.

It'll get better. I promise.

Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah!

ARTIE LAUGHS Rah!

"Mrs Darling first heard of Peter

"when she was tidying up her children's minds."

"It is the nightly custom of every good mother after children are asleep

"to rummage in their minds and put things straight for next morning,

"repacking into their proper places

"the many articles that have wandered during the day."

-Don't stop.

-Close those peepers.

"If you could keep awake, but, of course, you can't..."

'Harry was talking about you. He hasn't seen you since Wimbledon.'

-I know.

-'He wants to come and see you, Joe.

-'A boy his age needs his father.'

-What about school?

'I've spoken to the Head. The school will be fine.

'You pay them enough.

'It's too much to ask. I should've known. I'll tell him you're busy.'

DIALLING TONE No, it... Christ!

KEYTONES

RINGING TONE

-Flick?

-'Yes?'

Look, I'm sorry. Listen, he can come any time

-and for as long as he wants.

-'Thank you.'

You just tell me when. I'll organise everything.

-'I'll email you.'

-OK.

-How much taller will he be than me?

-I'm not sure. Quite a bit.

-How much older is he?

-Nearly eight years.

-So about eight inches?

-More.

-Will he like me?

-Of course he will. What's not to like?

-I've got nibbles.

-What?

-I've got nibbles.

-Worried he won't like your nibbles?

# I've got nibbles! I've got nibbles!

# I've got nibbles! Oh, yeah!

-# I've got nibbles! I've got nibbles! #

-There he is.

-Which one is he?

-Come on. Put your T-shirt on.

-Hey.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-Fine.

-So this is your little brother. This is Artie.

-Hi, Artie.

-How was the flight?

-Long.

Let's get your bag.

-How's your mum?

-She's all right.

-School?

-It's crap.

Wow, it's boiling.

This is nothing. It's not proper summer here

until the steering wheel's too hot to hold.

So...here we are.

It didn't look like this when Artie's mother was alive.

Your room's down here.

FLY BUZZES, BIRDS SQUAWK

# Hands up if you like sheep muck

# Hands up if you like cow pee

# Hands up if you like dog fart

-# Hands up if you like...me! #

-One of his own compositions.

You tired? Want to rest?

No, I'm all right.

-Want to get changed, put on some shorts?

-That's all right.

-# Hands up if you like sheep muck

-I'll make some lunch.

# Hands up if you like cow pee

# Hands up if you like me!

# Hands up if you like...me! #

I run a pretty loose ship. I've found that the more rules there are,

the more crimes are created, so fewer rules.

Fewer but bigger rules.

-No interrupting adults...

-Why not?

Very good. No swearing.

-Why?

-I don't like it.

-Why?

It's the mark of a limited vocabulary and a sign of laziness and egotism.

Which is why it's a privilege reserved for adults.

If it's a sign of small vocabulary, why are there so many swearwords?

-Bloody, bleeding, buggery...

-Moving swiftly on.

As little lying and stealing as possible,

no fighting except for fun, no wanton littering.

As far as possible, be polite.

Now, screaming insanely, running round the house making noises,

throwing water bombs at the windows, all are actively encouraged.

Artie! In fact, really,

there's only one rule - do as I tell you.

It's just that I'm not going to tell you to do very much.

The aim is something we like to call "hog heaven".

OK.

HISSING

It's not funny!

-Hey. You OK?

-Yeah, just so hot.

It's quite a shock. I remember when I first arrived.

But it's a great place when you get used to it.

"It has more things that will kill you than anywhere.

"Of the world's ten most poisonous snakes, all are Australian."

You'll be all right.

Hope you manage to sleep.

MORNING CHORUS OF BIRD CALLS

JOE YELPS

JOE WAILS

GIGGLING

-Do you submit?

-No!

-Do you submit?!

-No!

Geronimo!

# I'm the king of the bed! I'm the king of the bed! #

-Tag team, you and Artie versus me.

-Yeah, yeah!

-I'll pass, thanks.

-You're not getting away that easy!

Yeah!

Dad! Dad! Jesus!

KIDS LAUGH

-Nice one.

-Woo-hoo!

Oh, my God. You've got to be kidding.

Good, eh?

-That is so high!

-I know.

-But if the wire breaks...

-Don't worry, the wire's fine.

I'm trying not to think of that branch falling on him.

If he let go...

That's why he's hanging on so tight.

-Nice one.

-Be careful!

-I think you rather enjoy upsetting mothers.

-What gives you that idea?

-Only four weeks out of date.

-You've been eating that?

Hey, sweetie. Can you go get the fairy bread?

-Should I cut them here?

-Yes.

-Hi, I'm Laura.

-I'm Barbara.

-Hi.

-Arthur's grandmother.

-Oh, pleased to meet you.

-Is this one yours?

-Yes.

She's very pretty.

Thank you.

-Oh, Artie?

-Oh, darling!

-Hi, Nana!

-Happy birthday.

-Thank you, Nana!

Hey. Glad you could come.

-He'll put someone's eye out with that.

-Thing is, constant warnings

are maddening for anyone aspiring to be an overlord.

-I would have done this for you.

-Looks good, doesn't it?

-If they eat this lot, they'll be climbing the walls.

-Tea?

Yes, thank you.

Where is Harry?

-Why has he come here now, do you think?

-What do you mean?

Perhaps your ex-wife thinks you're back on the market.

Thank you.

I remember Katy's seventh birthday party.

We invited the whole class, 30 of them.

They ran riot, it was a complete disaster.

I still see her.

In the street or...

And not like in a dream.

Actually there.

Me too.

Three million?! We'll be here for weeks!

-Fifteen!

-Now get ready, I'm counting to 100.

One, two, three,

four, five...

RADIO PLAYS INDIE MUSIC

..ninety-nine, a hundred!

Coming, ready or not.

Come on, little children. Come to Daddy.

Cos I love to play with the little children and give them prezzies.

-Oh, for God's sake, you're going to get yourself bloody arrested.

-Ah.

I think I see one of the little darlings.

HE ROARS

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-No, it's OK.

-You can't catch me!

-Nah-nah!

-Come here, you horrible little goblin!

Boys, boys, look what you made me do.

You made me angry.

I didn't mean to shout at you.

ALL YELP

-Come and find me!

-Ohh.

I'm right here!

I think I know that little voice...

Got you!

BOTH GIGGLE Happy birthday, birthday boy.

-"Just say yes"?

-Has the power to change the way you live.

-Really?

-Seems to work for us.

-It's not just an easy way out?

-It's not easy, it's difficult.

Our kids ask us to do a range of unsuitable things

and we just go, "No", we don't even think about it. That's the habit.

Artie says, "Can we go and swim in the river?"

I say, "No, I have to go and buy some milk."

-You don't worry about spoiling him?

-No.

-It's what he needs.

-You're a brave man.

-Thanks for everything.

-Bye.

DELICATE GUITAR MELODY

KNOCKS

Yeah?

What was that you were playing?

-Just something I made up.

-It sounded good.

Thanks.

RESUMES PLAYING

-Did you and your mum ever play together?

-Sometimes.

I did love your mother very much, you know.

Then why did you leave?

Married couples of my mother and father's generation

stayed together for the children. We divorced for the same reason.

Are you saying you divorced for my sake?

Or just cos you got another woman pregnant?

Well, there was that too.

We had some dreadful fights, you know.

I was no match for your mother in combat.

It can't have been all bad.

-You had me.

-No, of course not. In the beginning, it was great.

Listen, there's something I want to ask you.

Look, if you're imagining your mother and I would ever get back together...

Jesus, Dad.

-Her boyfriend's just moved in, for Christ's sake.

-Really? When?

Don't know, few months ago.

How is that for you?

I'm away at school mostly.

What's he like?

He's nice.

Anyway... I just wanted to say thanks for all your help today.

You were great.

..it's a huge goal! Oh, it's a wonder strike!

-It's a wonder strike.

-I don't want to play soccer.

Why not?

'Funny thing, isn't it?'

'The minute you think you're getting things sorted

'is the moment it all starts to fall apart.'

The ball goes the other way!

For God's sake.

Guys. Guys! Can you put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket?

Oh, Jes... Do I have to do everything around here?

-Daddy, can I have some coke?

-Can I have some coke what?

-Can I have some coke now?

-Can I teach you some manners?

N-O. Mind your own business!

-You should have said yes.

-Put some bloody clothes on.

-Why?

-You know why. Laura's bringing Lucy around.

-Why are you so angry?

-I'm not angry. What makes you think I'm angry?

-Hey, welcome!

-Hi.

Guess what, one of our chooks had ducklings. Chickens that can swim.

-And fly.

-And shit on your head.

-Can I come and see them?

-Course you can.

Drink? One glass. Family red.

-I should get back.

-One glass.

-Leave those.

-Are you sure?

-Absolutely.

I've discovered this amazing cupboard in the kitchen

-which not only stores the dishes, it actually cleans them.

-Really?

The housework has come as a big shock, I have to admit.

Even though I watched so much of it over the years.

The cooking, the cleaning, the ironing, the shopping,

-hoovering the carpets...

-How'd you meet Katy?

I interviewed her.

She was an equestrian.

I met her at some horse trials in England.

She was with the Aussie team. I made her pregnant.

She came back to be near her parents. I followed.

What was she like?

Uniquely endowed with intelligence,

rowdiness...sex appeal,..

..energy...

..and, as it turned out, cancer.

..and then one day Lucy asked me,

-"Mummy, what is dope?"

-And what did you say?

I said, "Dope is a special name I like to call Daddy."

-What is his name?

-It's Bree.

-Bree?

-Like the runny cheese?

-I haven't heard that one before.

I've gotta drive.

-So how are things since the divorce?

-Fine.

He was a terrible husband but OK dad.

You know, now that he's clean.

So what is it you want?

Something I can't have.

I mean...

I know people I can do things with, just no-one I can do nothing with.

Hi.

We'd better be going, I think.

I never want to see Lucy ever again.

-What?

-She spoils every game

and she's always supposed to be big sister and boss me around.

-I thought you wanted to live with them.

-I don't any more.

Laura's my friend, I'm not going to stop seeing her.

We'll see about that!

-DOOR SLAMS

-He's not upset because of Lucy, it's because of you.

He had you all to himself, then I came along.

-And now Laura.

-Laura?

She's a friend. Can I not have friends?

God, Dad, anyone can see how much you fancy her.

Don't be so bloody precocious.

-You wanted a word?

-I see you've assigned coverage to Digby.

-Yeah. I just thought he could bring -

-I want you there.

-I've done it the last four years. I thought -

-Look, I cut you slack

when Katy was...ill, you know, and then after she passed away.

-Three months, Joe.

-I know, and I appreciate it.

PARPING SOUNDS

Artie. Hey, cut that out.

-Sorry, he's, erm, he's a bit under the weather.

-I want you there,

from the first point. I need my top sports writer covering top events.

Otherwise you're not my top sports writer. Eh?

Come on.

TENDER GUITAR MELODY

I've checked the airlines, there's no seats available for the boys.

Well maybe I could drive. What is it, seven hours?

Ditto hotels, everything's booked.

So those are done. Now, erm...

-Is everything OK?

-Yeah. How are you?

Oh, busy. We've got the winemakers here.

Erm, listen, I'm in a bit of a jam.

I was wondering if you might stay at the house with Harry and Artie.

-Hm. When?

-Next week.

-I have to go away to cover the tennis.

-This week?

Shouldn't you have thought of this before?

-I've been trying to take them but it's not possible.

-Ask that girl.

-What girl?

-The one at Arthur's party. She looked perfectly at home to me.

One minute Flick wants me, the next I'm seeing someone.

-Well, aren't you?

-No, I'm not.

Look, we're stretched here, Joe, I can't go anywhere right now.

Well is there any chance they could come here to you?

I don't know. If it was just Artie...

-Forget it.

-I'm not saying -

-It's fine.

Joe... Please, come on, Joe.

PHONE RINGS

Artie, shoes. Come on.

-Hey. Listen -

-I need the loo, just wait.

Artie!

Defrosting. There's a dinosaur in the microwave.

-Hog heaven becomes hog hell.

-Think of the seven dwarves

before Snow White showed up.

-Does Harry never do any chores?

-Not as such.

Artie, hurry up.

Please don't do that, he said, handing her the rubber gloves.

-You've got them on the wrong feet.

-These are the only feet I've got.

Eat your breakfast and wipe your mouth.

I have to change shoes, eat breakfast, I have to do everything!

I'm turning into my mother. It's not supposed to be like this.

What did you want to ask me?

-What are your plans for next week?

-What have you got in mind?

I have to go away.

-Where?

-Melbourne. The Open.

-You want me to have your kids?

-Thought had crossed my mind.

-Lucy's with her dad next week.

-So you're free?

-Excuse me?!

What makes you think I'm not seeing someone?

What makes you think I'm not spending next week having sex?

Are you?

We have skipped a couple of crucial stages in this relationship.

We haven't been on a date and now we're juggling childcare.

The seven dwarves, Snow bloody White!

-Just a joke.

-Well, jokes and crappy theories.

Just excuses for laziness and responsibility.

You drink too much and you live like a pig.

Artie, Lucy, we're leaving now.

Bye, Dad.

See you.

MUSIC: "Club Foot" by Kasabian

As far as the outside world is concerned I'm not here.

I don't want anyone to answer the phone.

-I'm going to need some help.

-OK.

'In Melbourne today Venus Williams was comprehensively out-yelped

'by her sister Serena. She ramped up the volume with shrieks

'to a record-breaking 103 decibels.'

'For me, sitting in the arena, the sun since set...'

'Keep it up, Joe. Glad you got there. I thought I'd have to let you go.'

-30-40!

-Deuce!

Can you grab the ketchup?

PHONE RINGING: Don't answer it.

Hello?

(I said don't answer it!)

It's Digby.

-Hey.

-'Thought you should know our editor

-'has tickets for the final. Better get your arse over there.'

-Shit.

-Have you taken the rubbish out?

-Not yet. I will.

You rarely get asked to do, but when you do I want you to do them.

-Can't it wait.

-I'll do it myself.

I'll do it.

I'll do it if it means so much to you.

Just leave it. Christ!

Where do you think you're going?

-You said leave it.

-Help me clear this up, please.

And take that stupid bloody hat off.

Jesus, don't start crying.

-You're such a pile of shit!

-Brilliant. Well done.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

HE SOBS

I'm really sorry.

Someone said something about chores and I fell for it. Stupid.

I've been a bit stressed about work.

I'm sorry.

You have to go. You'll never get away with it. It's crazy.

-I'll look after Artie.

-No.

-It's just a couple of nights.

-I can do it.

-No, Harry -

-Trust me.

I can do it. I promise.

Don't answer the door. You've got all the numbers.

-We'll be fine.

-Call me if -

-We'll be fine.

OK.

-Bye then.

-Bye, Dad.

-Look after him. Go.

-Go, Daddy.

So everything's fine?

Everything's great. We're having dinner then Artie's going to bed.

-Don't worry. Enjoy yourself.

-Make sure you lock up properly.

-I will.

-I'll call you in the morning.

-Hello, stranger.

-I only wheel out for the final these days.

Don't know who to root for. Long legs or big breasts.

Suppose you could make a decision on the strengths of the athletes.

Breasts. Got to be.

-'What's that noise? Where are you?'

-We're down the beach with kids.

-Let me say goodbye to Artie.

-'Hello.'

-See you later, alligator.

-Don't forget your toilet paper.

-'Don't be too late. Night.'

-Bye.

-Shouldn't you be in bed?

-My dad's away.

-You want to hear my favourite joke?

-Do I look like I need cheering up?

Maybe.

-Are you OK?

-Can I get in bed with you?

If you want.

There you go. What you got there?

Hey, beautiful. Excuse me. Excuse me, beautiful.

And they say the age of chivalry is dead.

-What's your problem?

-Never mind.

-Who asked you, anyway? Huh?

-Oh, please don't make me...

Sorry. I'm sorry.

"The boys on the island vary, of course, in numbers,

"according as they get killed, and so on."

BANG

-Don't stop.

-MUFFLED VOICES

-What is it?

-Back in a sec. Just stay there.

-KNOCKING, CHATTER

-Let us in!

I think I've lost my bloody phone!

-Does that hurt?

-Yeah, it hurts!

-I don't even know your name.

-Mia.

-Hey, Mia. I'm Doe. LAUGHS:

-Hello, Doe.

LOUD MUSIC

Guys, I've found the booze!

-I don't like them being here! Make them go!

-I'll try.

-Call Daddy! Call the police!

-Go to my room and shut the door.

-Hey, don't want you calling Daddy.

-I need that. Give me my phone back.

Did you look on the floor? OK. Thanks. Nope, no sign of it.

My whole bloody life's in that phone.

MUSIC BLARES, SHOUTING

PHONE RINGS

Come on!

-'Reception.'

-Are there any messages for me?

-'No, sir.'

-No. Thank you.

If I can just get you to sign that one for me.

So are you here for the men's final, Mr Walker?

Joe? Joe!

Airport, please.

My God!

Artie?

Harry?

BEEPING

-'It's Barbara. Artie's with me.'

-What's going on?

-Where've you been?

-Where are they?

-What have you done to your face?

I don't think Artie should see you. Where were you last night -

-Where's Harry?

-At the airport.

He wanted to go back to England. He was upset.

-What?

-He had talk with his mother and Tom's taken him.

What the hell were you doing leaving them alone?

Goodness knows what might have happened.

Those kids overran that place. I had to turn them out.

-Will you fetch Artie for me, please?

-I think Artie should stay here.

-Fetch him, please.

-I could have called the pol-

I want my son! Artie!

Get out of that house! No. Not in front of the boy! No!

-We're going.

-Get out of my house!

-He's my son!

You can't replace your daughter with my son.

-Did you hurt yourself?

-A little bit.

-You all right?

-I walked into a door.

Pretty big one by the looks of it.

Your boy got off all right. It's what he wanted to do.

-How was he?

-Quiet. He said to tell you he's sorry he let you down.

Thanks for sorting things out over there.

I was Tiger Woman. I just stood by with a shotgun.

Nana was very upset.

She misses Mummy. We all do.

Oh, no!

Harry left his bear.

-Is this bothering you, Daddy?

-No, sweetheart.

Is this bothering you, Daddy?

-PHONE RINGS

-'Hello?'

-It's Joe.

-'You are unbelievable.'

-Is Harry there?

-'He doesn't want to talk to you.'

-Flick, I... PHONE DIES

Artie, bedtime.

Artie?

Artie?

I miss him, too.

Look after her. And, you know what? Just make sure it's only a week, OK.

-Come on, Lucy. Let's go.

-Bye, Lucy!

-See you, Mum.

-How was your day, sweetie?

-Hey.

-Ouch.

-Is that the boyfriend?

-No, that's runny cheese.

Artie tells me he's going to England.

Seems like the right thing to do. Maybe.

-What do you want me to say?

-I find nothing is often best.

-And by the way, there's another thing.

-Sorry?

There is no boyfriend.

Artie.

Can you see which one's me?

-The one with the football.

-No, it isn't.

-Yes, it is.

-No, it's not.

-Mr Warr?

I've spoken to Harry. I'm really sorry.

This is really rather awkward. He doesn't want to see you.

-I see.

-He has games.

-Right.

-We can talk. I have a few minutes.

Not just at the minute. Thank you.

Sweetheart?

-Where are you going? Artie!

-Harry!

-Harry! Harry!

-Artie, come back!

Harry! Harry!

Harry!

-What are you doing here?

-We want you to be with us again.

-I'm really sorry.

-I don't want to see you.

-Harry!

SHOUTING

Come on.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

-Hi, lads. What you having?

-Coke and a squash, please.

-Did you boys see Jonesie's tackle?

-Yeah, he didn't get up for a while.

-I wasn't going to take on the fullback.

-Can't tell him from their coach.

I'll get these.

-We used to come in here after games.

-£5.50, please.

-Can we talk?

-Thanks.

I'll see you in a sec.

-Where's Artie?

-He's just there.

I'm really sorry about what happened.

I should never have left you guys alone. That was wrong.

-And I'm sorry that you didn't enjoy Australia more.

-I loved Australia.

Well, it wasn't everything you wanted it to be.

I need to ask you something

and... I want you to listen to me.

-Of course.

-I mean, really listen to me.

-I do.

-No, you don't.

OK. Well, I'm listening now.

Why did you leave me... when you went with Katy?

You know why.

I fell in love with someone else, she was pregnant.

No. Why did you leave me?

I mean, why didn't you take me with you?

I wanted you to take me with you. I wanted to be with you.

I can honestly say the thought never crossed my mind.

And you were so young. I thought a child should be with his mother.

-Didn't you miss me?

-God, yeah!

But, you know, there was this new baby, I was trying to get it right.

-So, you just left me with her?

-With your mother.

-Who hates me.

-Don't be ridiculous. She adores you.

-See, you don't listen.

I try and tell you how I feel and you say I'm ridiculous.

I'm sorry.

-I had no idea.

-How could you?

You were playing happy families on the other side of the world.

-You never wanted me.

-No. That's not true.

-I'm sorry you feel like this.

-Yeah, well...deal with it.

-Harry's bear!

-We'll give it to him another time.

-He's with his friends. You'll embarrass him.

-I want to give him it!

GENTLE MUSIC

Daddy, there's a car here without a roof.

A convertible. Like the one we need.

(I must've been awful to live with sometimes.)

Daddy. I'm trying to read but I can't do all the words.

Katy? Don't abandon us now.

Daddy! I'm begging you. I'm begging you with all my mouth.

Coming, sweetheart.

Where's that car?

VIOLIN PLAYS

DOORBELL

Hi.

-What are you doing here?

-We've been to see Harry.

-Yeah? How was that?

-Not too good.

I'm not surprised.

-Why do you do things like this?

-Things like what?

-Who just turns up at the door?

-Have you got a baby in your tummy?

Yes, I have.

My mummy's dead.

-I know.

-Congratulations.

-Harry didn't tell you?

-Not a word.

Would you like something to drink, Arthur?

-What have you got?

-Come in and we'll have a look.

-Don't you have a lesson?

-Just come in, for God's sake.

-Is Jason home?

-Just come in.

DOOR OPENS

Thanks for seeing me.

You want some tea?

-God, I hated this school.

-Really? I never knew.

Your name's on every board.

It was awful here then.

-It's pretty awful here now.

-Really?

So, your mum's pregnant. You didn't tell me.

-Going to be a girl.

-That's nice.

It'll be cool to have a sister, won't it?

So where do you fit in, do you think?

I'm not sure I do.

OK, look, erm...

I'm going to take Artie back to Australia.

But what we want, both of us...

is for you to come with us.

Come and live with us.

I saw your mum yesterday. We had a long talk

and she wants what's best for you. She really does.

So if you did want to come, she will support that.

Artie and I have talked about it a lot and it's definitely what we want.

He just adores you.

Obviously it's a huge decision, so you don't have to decide this second.

Didn't feel safe there.

-What, the 10 most poisonous snakes?

-No, Dad. You.

You scared me.

That won't happen again.

Whatever you decide, I promise I'll be a better father from now on.

I can't... Dad.

I can't.

All my friends are here.

It's not fair on Mum.

I'm sorry.

-'So when are we going?'

-Tomorrow morning.

When's Harry coming? Daddy?

He's not coming with us, sweetheart.

He's going to stay here. He'll come for holidays and stuff.

-GRUNTS:

-It's your fault!

TANNOY

TRAIN RUMBLES

Artie?

Artie?

-Artie!

-Daddy!

SOMBRE MUSIC

-Don't you ever check your messages?

-We don't have much time.

I won't lose him. I promise.

Saving on the school fees alone is five trips back a year.

-Thank you for saying that.

-Good luck with the baby. Keep us posted.

WHISTLE BLOWS

GUITAR MUSIC

JOE: 'So here we are.'

'A father and two sons surviving in a household without women.'

'Like a yearlong experiment in a satellite,

'free from earthly influences.'

Harry, did you just wipe your face with the dog?

Wipe your face with your own dog!

# See the pyramids along the Nile

# Watch the sunrise... #

'Given its inadequacies as a child-rearing unit...

'I like it.'

'It's Home Alone, except there's three of us.'

# See the marketplace in old Algiers... #

-I'm off!

-Take that, Chuckles.

-I'll be back by six.

-Out.

-In.

-Out.

-It was in. Referee?

-Six-five to Artie.

-Yes! Yes!

-Bye, then.

-Bye, Daddy.

# You belong to me

# I'll be so alone without you

# Maybe you'll be lonesome too... #

ARTIE GRUNTS

-# And blue...

-Come on! Vegemite! Liquorice!

Come on!

# Fly the ocean in a silver plane... #

-KATY:

-I don't think he brushes his teeth enough.

I agree with you about that.

-KATY:

-Can't you get him to do it twice a day?

Once a week would be an advance.

Can't understand why they're so white, though.

Is he brushing them in secret, do you think?

What about his hair? When did he last wash his hair?

They wash it when he gets it cut. And I'm rigid about that.

He gets it cut twice a year whether he needs it or not.

BOYS SHOUT, SQUEAL

-DOG BARKS

-He seems happy.

I'd say he is usually.

God, he misses you.

-He still remembers me?

-Of course.

Don't ever think that we'll forget you.

You'll always be his mother.

-One more thing.

-What's that?

-Will you do one more thing for me?

-Anything.

Buy that convertible.

I will.

And if anyone asks, I'll tell them why.