The Gay Falcon

Right out, please.

Step lively, please.

Going up?

SNORING

HE WOLF-WHISTLES

Well, you said to get an office with a view.

So this is the way you spend your first day in the brokerage business.

Darling, I'm just getting acclimated.

You can't become a successful broker in five minutes, you know.

Whee-ee!

Shh.

You'll wake Mr Locke, your associate.

Oh, really, you're hopeless. Why don't you admit

that you're bored already, that you haven't the least inclination

to settle down to a respectable business? Here, I've spent

the whole day dashing about, trying to get nice, rich clients for you,

and I come here, and what do I find?

Me...

..and my spinach juice.

Have some?

Thanks. I tried it once.

After all, Gay, you've spent your whole life thus far

chasing adventure around the world,

and you've been clever enough to keep a whole skin.

Surely you're clever enough to sell a few stocks and bonds.

Darling, that's what I love about you - your supreme confidence in me.

It gives me the courage to go on.

And you want me to marry you. Why?

I'm crazy about you.

You're not crazy enough to settle down to a little honest work

-for the first time in your life.

-Darling, I'm even that crazy.

When shall we get married?

I'll give you until September to get two things out of your system -

other women, and crime solutions.

What month is this?

June, but don't evade the issue.

I'm not. Crime solutions - I've lost all interest,

and as to other women, I've already thrown away my address book.

Darling, in three months, I'll have a seat on the Stock Exchange.

You wait and see.

Oh, you're impossible...

..but I'll sign one more armistice.

Oh, about tonight. We're going to Maxine Wood's charity ball.

Vera Gardiner's sponsoring it.

Who's Maxine Wood?

Darling, she's only the most famous party-giver in the world.

Oh, her. I know a little French restaurant downtown

where the wine is divine.

So you don't want to go?

I want to go down there and drink the same wine

that I drank when I first saw you.

Darling, you might let me win just one round.

Well, I thought it would be nice - just the two of us.

Of course, if you prefer to have a crowd around

while I am telling you how much I love you...

All right, Gay. You win, as usual.

See you at eight.

Eight.

SNORING

Huh?

Good afternoon, Miss Benford. Come right in.

Oh, you're all much too busy(!)

Some other time. Thank you very much(!)

DOOR CLOSES

Your number one girlfriend just stuck her head in the door

and made a nasty crack. She ducked before I got clear awake.

We can hardly expect her to wait that long.

Huh?

It's five o'clock.

It's 4.43.

All right. We'll stay 17 minutes over time tomorrow.

I've been in that office since ten this morning.

Well, what about me?

I ain't even got a window to look out of.

Well, you can have my chair tomorrow at lunch hour.

Come on. Let's call it a day.

OK, boss.

You know, for me, this is like being born twice.

When I walked up here this morning, who was I?

Just a guy the cops called Goldy Locke.

When I go out of here this afternoon, I'm in Wall Street.

Jonathan G Locke, just like I was christened.

If my old lady could see me now,

would her eyes bulge!

Yes, well, talking about bulges, I'm afraid your tailor...

Uh-oh.

We're in the brokerage business, Goldy.

Tough day at the office, Jerry. You can fix me a large spinach juice.

Someone waiting to see you, boss.

-Oh, well, see who it is, Goldy.

-Very pretty girl, boss.

Never mind.

That guy ought to live in a harem.

He do!

What are we looking for?

Shh.

SHE GASPS: Oh!

-Anything in particular?

-Why, yes.

The...the button that opens a secret passage.

Ah.

You're Mr Laurence, aren't you? I've heard so much about you,

it's like meeting your favourite author, only the things

-really happen to you.

-Look, sister. He's took the pledge.

No more crimes. No more dames.

That must be your Dr Watson, your faithful and loyal colleague.

All characters like you

have a kind of a... a stooge, don't they?

May I present Dr Jonathon Locke, my associate?

How do you do, Doctor?

I'm very pleased, indeed, to meet you, I'm sure.

He's cute. Well...

I'm Helen Reed, secretary to Maxine Woods.

-You've heard of her, of course.

-Yes. The lady who gives all the parties.

Yes. Well, for several weeks now, every time she gives a party,

-some valuable jewellery is stolen. It just vanishes.

-How distressing.

Yes. Well, she's giving a war relief ball for Mrs Vera Gardiner,

and Mrs Gardiner insists on wearing her monsoon diamond.

It cost 100,000.

If it's stolen, Maxine will be ruined.

Then why doesn't she go to the police?

But she HAS been to the police.

They've been there before.

You're the only one that can really help.

Look, lady. We quit all that business.

We're in Wall Street now. We ain't interested.

Try Ellery Queen.

I...

Spinach juice. Very good for boss.

-For once, you wasn't a sucker.

-Charming little character there.

Well, that's what you said about Mabel Dover, too,

right before she bumped off her uncle

for the insurance policy. Then there was...

Helen? Uh, I mean, Elinor.

Listen, darling, I've been thinking things over.

I've been very selfish.

I want to please you.

We're going to Maxine Wood's party.

Sure, but I changed my mind.

What you want comes first, dear.

Goodbye.

Here we go again.

SWING MUSIC

The joint's dripping with jewels, ain't it, Grimes?

Yeah. Let's split up and start circulating.

Cheer up, Maxine. You've got nothing to worry about this time.

If anything disappears tonight, I'm afraid my career has ended.

We're safe. The Falcon's coming - the most utterly exciting man

-you ever laid eyes on.

-The who?

-The Falcon. That's his nom de guerre.

His real name is Laurence, and he's...

Oh, there he is now. I'll bring him over.

-Maybe so, but how long will it last?

-Darling, it's over already.

Next time, you can hit me on the head with something.

That's a promise.

Oh, Mr Laurence! I was so afraid you weren't coming.

-Oh, hello.

-You must think I'm a little silly

after you found me in your apartment, but I had to see you.

It's not nearly as lurid as it sounds. May I present Miss Reed?

Miss Reed, Miss, er...

Benford.

An aunt of mine from Indiana.

Oh, I suppose Mr Laurence told you why he's here.

No, but I'm extremely good at guessing.

We must keep it a secret. I want you to meet Maxine. She's very worried,

and will be relieved you're on the alert. You don't mind?

Oh, not at all. By all means, Gay, get on the alert.

Let's dance. Make it look casual.

Better not. You may get 12 women on your jury.

-Oh, hello, Manuel.

-Will you teach me how to dance?

Teach you, Manuel?

Isn't it exciting, not knowing what's going to happen next?

-I have a vague idea.

-Oh, really? See anything significant?

-Did anyone make a false move?

-No-one but me.

I should be like you, Manuel -

play the field, and let the suckers pick the favourites.

You're as clever as you're beautiful.

Good evening, sir.

Pleased to meet you. Give me a ticket, sister,

and keep the change for charity.

A dollar doesn't quite cover it, sir.

-No? How much?

-100 a ticket.

100?! Gimme back the buck, sister.

I can't finance the war personally.

Hey, hold it.

I think we better keep this on a strictly business basis.

Where's our hostess?

-You mean Mrs Gardiner?

-Yes.

-She's dancing right behind you.

-Look out. Here she comes.

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh! Oh, isn't this marvellous?

You know, I'm charging 50 a dance for the ambulance fund.

-Here's 100. Let's call it quits, madame.

-Aren't you sweet?

I've made 200 this dance. The men are all marvellously generous.

-Mrs Gardiner, Mr Laurence.

-How do you do, young man?

-Quite well.

Oh, do you mind if I steal your partner for this dance?

Sort of lend-lease, for democracy, you know.

-Mr Laurence, I am so nervous.

-So am I.

-I suppose you want it now.

-I beg your pardon.

It slips off very easily, but we mustn't let anyone see us.

Oh, no, of course not.

You take my hand firmly and hold the ring,

and I'll draw my hand away, and you put it in your pocket.

Well, just as you say.

Oh, my, what a relief. Do you think anyone saw us?

No, I don't think so.

I'll wait five minutes, and then I'll discover it's gone.

That's fine.

Now I must go and greet my other guests.

Do be careful. The place is full of detectives.

Yes, I'll be careful.

CROWD CHATTERS

-Let's hear something loud and hot, professor.

-Here it comes.

14, boys.

LIVELY MUSIC

-MANUEL:

-The boarding house...

Do you mind if I cut in? I think this is our dance.

Oh, of course. Mr...

-..Laurence.

-Yes. Mr Retana.

-How do you do?

-Excuse me, Manuel.

Oh, Mr Laurence. Pardon me. This is Miss Wood.

I thought you might like a few words with her.

-You don't mind, do you?

-Oh, not at all.

That's my cousin from Nebraska. She's having a wonderful time.

Oh, how nice.

Dance?

As I remember it, you're always involved in mysteries

-and with beautiful women.

-Oh, that's purely a coincidence.

As a matter of fact, I'm giving up that hobby.

What, women or mystery?

-Eh?

-WOMEN OR MYSTERY?

-Oh, both.

You evidently found my secretary a very persistent young woman.

That's putting it mildly.

-What?

-Oh, let's do something about this.

-Hey, maestro.

-Yes, sir?

-Do you mind playing something soft and smooth?

Sure. Thank you. Hold it, boys.

-I'm getting old.

-Oh, don't say that.

GUNSHOT

What was that?

Stop, or I'll let you have it!

-FOOTSTEPS

-Stop, or I'll shoot!

OK. I'm stopped.

Come on up here.

All right. Outside, please.

I'm from headquarters. I'll take charge here.

Suicide?

Yeah. Shot herself right through the heart, walked over there,

dropped the gun, but came back again because she liked it better here.

Poor Mrs Gardiner. Who in the world would want to kill her?

Elemental, ma'am. The diamond, ain't got it on her.

Oh, would you mind?

-Sorry. Not my brand.

-Think nothing of it.

-Come around when I'm police commissioner.

-Right, get in there.

-Why, it's Dr Locke!

-You know this man?

Well, I know...

I know him. He works for me.

-Yeah, then what's he doing out on that ledge?

-He's a fresh-air fiend.

He's not the only fresh thing around here.

I'm coming up the fire escape, all of a sudden, I hear a shot.

-I got to warn you, anything you say'll be used against you.

-So what?

I figure to save 100 bucks by crashing the party,

so I come up the fire escape...

Some other time. Take him down headquarters.

-Get going.

-Hey, wait a minute! You bulls can't pin this on me!

-All we can do is to try.

-Go on, Goldy. Humour him.

-What's the...?

-This is murder!

-You said it.

-Get out.

-Darling, I've got to go down...

-Have we met before?

Oh, listen. This is serious. I have to go down to police headquarters.

-Some spinach juice.

-Police headquarters? Why?

-What kind of juice?

-Spinach.

They found Goldy out on the fire escape.

-Spinach?

-Listen, haven't you got any spinach?

-I guess they do in the kitchen.

-Well, just get some and squeeze it.

Yes, er, squeeze it.

They found Goldy on the fire escape when Mrs Gardiner was shot.

Gay, if you're mixed up in this, and I suspect... How could I be?

What was that Locke person doing on the fire escape?

-That's what I'm going to find out. I've got to do that.

-Well...

That's a good girl. Now, you take a cab. I'll see you in about an hour.

Why do I put up with this? Why?

CRACKLING

Well, it seems pretty obvious

the murderer got away with the diamond. You found nothing on Goldy,

-so why hold him?

-I'm not holding him for murder.

Nobody could invent an alibi that screwy.

Then what's the charge against him?

I'm holding him as a material witness.

He's the only one who can identify the murderer.

-May I offer a suggestion?

-Why not? You've been offering them for years.

Inasmuch as Goldy is the only living witness,

wouldn't it be very much to the murderer's advantage

to try to dispose of him if it were made possible?

I got an idea. I'm going to release Goldy and have him tailed.

There's just a chance that the murderer may try to get to him.

You never miss a trick, Mike.

Yeah. What were you going to suggest?

-Oh, I... I forget.

-Bring him in.

I think I'll go along with you, Bates.

Stick around, Herman. We want a sketch of the murderer.

Very well.

I've changed my mind, Bates.

-I think I'll try one of these.

-Oh, slumming, huh?

Everything fixed, chief?

All fixed, Goldy. You're as free as a bird.

Yeah, stool pigeon. Spring him, Elmer.

-We'll be seeing you, Goldy.

-You should live so long.

So should you.

Didn't you tell this flatfoot off?

-Yeah, they believe your story.

-Oh, getting smart, huh?

-Come on, Goldy.

-They want a description of the murderer.

-Well, not from me.

-I ain't gonna leave myself open for a slug in the back.

-That's the point letting you out.

-Hey, Elmer. Don't close that gate.

-Come on, Goldy. Don't you trust me?

-Yeah, like your girlfriend - with limits.

-Oh, go on.

All right, Locke. I'm releasing you, but first I want a description

-of the man you saw that night.

-Oh, no. No.

-Goldy...

-All right. You'll get it.

-Take it, Herman.

What was the contour of the face?

The contour?

White.

-Not the colour, the contour!

-Break it down, buddy.

The shape of the face - thin, full, square, oval?

Kind of flat and full.

Go on. Just give the description. I'll follow you.

Well, he was about 45, maybe. Full head of hair,

parted on the right side. His eyes were too close together,

with glasses. He had a bent nose, small chin.

-Smooth-shaven?

-I don't know. I didn't kiss him.

No, he means, er, did he have a beard or a moustache?

Oh, no. No muff.

Go on. I'll try to contain myself.

Well, he had a broad forehead,

narrow shoulders, thick neck,

and lines in his cheeks.

He was about six foot tall, and weighed around 150.

Oh, yeah. He had a stogy in his mouth.

There's the dope. See what you can do with it.

-OK, Goldy. Thanks.

-Well, we're on our way, Goldy.

I hope the killer didn't get a good look at me.

You seemed to have got a pretty good look at him.

Oh, you know me.

Never remember a name, always forget a face.

Put a tail on him, boys.

Right.

Let's have a look at the murderer, Herman.

Now, tell me what the murderer really looked like.

Let's get away from here.

MAN: Extra! Broker held for questioning!

-Looks like somebody else is mixed up in this.

-You're a broker, remember?

I'm cooked!

Never say die, Goldy.

CAR HORN HONKS

Well, hello again.

Hello. Did they release you, Doctor?

-I just got the death penalty is all.

-Says the cutest things, doesn't he?

Oh, he's a bit unstrung.

-Maybe you better drive.

-I'd love to.

Maxine sent me down to ask you to call on her tonight.

We better circle around a bit first.

Hey, I got a hunch we're being tagged.

-Naturally.

-Step on it, sister.

A couple of Mike's men.

Oh, in that case, I don't mind a couple of dicks around.

What's he talking about?

Mike's using him as bait to trap the killer.

Wouldn't the murderer be too smart to contact the doctor

-if he knew detectives were trailing him?

-"Contact", she calls it!

You're learning fast, Miss Reed.

You want to see if you can lose those men?

Do I? Hang on.

TYRES SQUEAL

Now up the next street, Miss Reed,

then turn around as fast as you can in the first alley.

Here we go!

Switch your lights, Miss Reed.

-Call me Helen. It saves time.

-OK, Helen. Get set.

Let's go.

-Nice work, Helen.

-Yeah, beautiful!

-You stay here, Goldy.

-You're gonna leave me alone?

You're safe. How can the murderer know you're here?

Yeah, he couldn't know that, could he?

-We'll give him a shot at us later.

-"Us"? What do you mean "us"?

I'm in this too, Goldy.

Mrs Gardiner's ring.

-But how did you get it?

-She gave it to me.

-Oh, but I don't understand.

-I think I'm just beginning to.

Gee, this is certainly baffling, Mr Laurence.

Call me Gay. It saves time.

Something for you, sir?

-Nope. I'm waiting for a guy.

-Just killing time, eh?

Yeah, or vice versa.

DINGING

DINGING

Not bad, huh?

Very good.

Looks like I'm gonna get the payoff.

You're a cinch.

CHIMING

Right on the button!

Keep your trap shut and start walking.

How well did you know Mrs Gardiner?

Oh, I'd arranged several parties for her.

What about her financial status? >

-BOTH: She was very wealthy.

-She had gobs of money.

Oh, there's no sugar. Fetch it like a dear.

On the contrary. I think we shall find out

that she was having money troubles, probably badly in debt.

Oh, that's impossible, Mr Laurence.

Impoverished women don't hang on to 100,000 diamonds.

That's true, not for long.

She must have been cooperating with a gang of jewel thieves.

Jewel thieves?

Yes. Well, put yourself in her place.

You need cash. You have a diamond.

Then one day, you get a telephone call. "Hello, Miss Wood,"

a voice says. "Don't worry about your debts.

"All you do is to claim the insurance on that ring you lost."

"I didn't lose my ring," you say.

"Oh, yes, you did," says the voice.

"You lost your ring tomorrow night."

-Sugar?

-Uh, no, thanks.

But if the ring was insured, she wouldn't want to deal with thieves.

-She would throw it in a river, or...

-Or collect both ways,

from the insurance company and the bonus from the jewel thieves.

-Then why did she give the ring to you?

-Mistaken identity.

You remember Miss Benford tossing me this?

HELEN: Well, yes. The silver carnation.

She might have unwittingly removed the mark of identification

from the intended jewel thief and pinned it on me.

But Miss Benford was dancing with Manuel Retana.

Yes. What about this Retana? Was he ever present at other party,

-when jewellery was stolen?

-I suppose he was.

-He's very much in the social swing.

-But he is rich and respectable.

-He owns diamond mines in South Africa.

-Interesting, if true.

Oh, but this is incredible. Even if Mr Retana was an accomplice,

he was dancing with Miss Benford when the murder was committed.

Yes. We've got nothing on him.

I just think that Retana and whoever it was killed Mrs Gardiner

must have been working with somebody higher up,

somebody with a pretty good brain for this kind of thing.

But why murder the poor woman if the diamond was taken by arrangement?

I can't answer that, not yet.

-Are you going on with the case, Mr Laurence?

-Should I?

I wish you would.

All this is hardly helpful to my reputation as a party-giver.

Well, then, perhaps I better see you tomorrow. Should we say for lunch?

< Of course.

You know, I have a great deal more confidence in you

than in the police.

Would you mind dropping me at my apartment?

I shall be delighted.

Good night, Miss Wood.

Maxine to my friends.

Gay to mine.

Anytime you're ready, Mr Laurence.

Does every woman want you to call her by her first name

-five minutes after you've met her?

-Why should anybody have two names?

-Well, you certainly don't encourage it.

-It's a theory I have.

-I'll be different.

You go back to calling me Miss Reed, and I'll call you Mr Laurence.

Where's the doctor?

Get in quick.

Maybe he got tired of waiting and... and went home or something.

-Or something.

-I live on Mordon Street in the village.

-I haven't got time to take you there.

-Where are we going?

-My apartment.

-Oh, Gay! Ha!

Right. Down the steps, through the hall to the apartment,

and I don't want to kill you for making a mistake.

-Look, pal, I don't know from nothing...

-Sit down.

-Thanks.

-Over there.

Now get on that phone and call your boss.

What'll I say?

Tell him to wrap up that diamond,

put it in an envelope, and mail it to you, general delivery. You'll pick it up tomorrow.

-That ain't smart.

-Guess you don't understand.

Maybe I ought to tell you I can handle this

whether you're alive or not. Get on that phone.

OK, pal.

GUNSHOT

WOMAN SCREAMS

There he is!

Robbers!

Murderers! Gangsters!

Help! Come on! Gangsters!

-He has a gun.

-Open up! Get back!

I run a respectable...

Get 'em up.

Well, if it ain't little Goldy Locke.

Word was out to keep our eyes peeled for you.

I'm sitting by the desk, gonna phone The Falcon, when I hear a shot.

Ah, save it, Goldy. Keep it for Waldeck.

Maybe he has a date with his girl.

-He doesn't have a girl.

-You should give him a few lessons.

We figured you'd get here eventually.

Don't bother taking off your coat and hat.

-What's wrong now, Bates?

-They got Goldy down at headquarters.

-That's a relief. What for?

-They found him beside a dead body.

Now look. We've gone all over that situation once, remember?

-This is another situation and another body.

-Again?

-This time, he said he was making a phone call.

-Who's the dead man?

-How did you know it was a man?

-Law of averages.

-Waldeck kind of wonders

if maybe you didn't knock this guy off to save Goldy's neck.

-He also wonders where you got the diamond.

-What diamond?

Oh, don't be coy, Laurence.

Goldy ain't good at keeping secrets.

I think I should go down and see Waldeck.

Ain't that a coincidence?

-He sent us here to personally invite you down.

-Oh, Gay...

Now, be brave, darling. Don't get hysterical.

(Can you faint?)

Goodbye.

She's fainted, Bates.

Hold her while I get some smelling salts.

Boy, oh, boy. She sure stayed kissed.

What a guy. He ought to be in moving pictures.

He'll be too old when he gets out. Go in there and keep an eye on him.

Bates, he got away.

This is gonna cost us.

Ouch!

Did I do all right, Jerry?

Very good. Hot stuff.

Looked like the real McCoy.

SHE SIGHS

It was...almost.

Could be. Happen all the time with my boss.

GENTLE BANGING

Hello, darling.

-I didn't hear the front doorbell.

-I didn't ring it.

-Well, now what?

-Now I'm going to tell you how much I love you.

-Don't you dare come near me!

-what's the matter?

Matter? You take me to a party

and then dance with every female in the place but me.

I sit around like Miss Muffet on my tuffet,

while you prance off to solve a murder

that doesn't concern you in the least,

and then you hop through my bedroom window

at 1 o'clock in the morning and ask me, what's the matter.

Ask me, what's the matter!

-Not so loud.

-I'll scream my head off!

Why don't you go back to your life of crime

and leave me alone?

Very well.

I'll give myself up.

Give yourself up?

I'm wanted for murder.

Oh, Gay! Not really?

I just gave two detectives the slip.

Oh, but, darling, that's stupid. They can't possibly blame you.

-Why, you were in the room dancing.

-This is another murder.

PHONE RINGS

Uh, I think that's for me. Hello.

-Hello. Is Miss Benford in?

-Uh, yes, this is The Falcon.

Oh, hello, Gay. Are you all right? Did you throw them off your trail?

Yes, Jerry. I'm OK. I managed to get away all right.

Oh, I get it. Coward.

Yes, Jerry. No, Jerry. I'm not coming home tonight.

I'm gonna pick myself out a nice bench in Central Park.

You can bring me my spinach juice in the morning.

It's Jerry.

Uh, where are you now?

I'm still at your apartment.

Oh, darling, next time you kiss me like that and I faint,

please let me down gently. I'm still sore where that flatfoot dropped me.

Lady, could you spare me a dollar-and-a-half for steak and mushrooms?

Well, the escaped convict. Going to a masquerade?

I just traded clothes with a tramp.

For two cents, I'd call a cop and turn you in.

-Oh, darling, I thought you'd stand by me.

-I'm tired of standing by.

The line is too long.

Oh, that girl in my apartment...

Oh, do spare me the details.

I heard enough on the telephone. Now, go away.

Listen. Meet me in Central Park tonight, I'll explain everything.

-I have a date tonight.

-With whom?

If it's any of your business, which it definitely isn't,

I'm going to the Swan Club with Manuel Retana.

-Retana?

-He was good enough to take me home last night.

Now, you keep away from Retana. He's dynamite.

Oh, don't worry, darling.

I won't swoon in his arms.

-He's a crook, Elinor.

-I thought I made it clear to you last night

that we're through. Now, follow me one more step,

I'll call a policeman, have you arrested.

-Is this mug bothering you, lady?

-Why, er...

-Move on, fella.

-Thank you, officer.

-OK, lady.

Get going, buddy, and don't let me catch you panhandling

around here again.

No, officer.

Now, buy yourself a cigar.

Hello.

Oh, you again.

Haven't you got a home?

I'm waiting for further instructions.

Now Dr Locke is no longer with us, you'll need an assistant.

I've got as many brains as he has,

and I don't get caught for every murder in town.

Meet me at Tony's cafe on 42nd Street just off 9th Avenue.

I'll be there in a rear booth at seven tonight.

And be sure you're not followed.

OK, boss.

What a girl.

I hardly recognised you in that outfit.

Well, that's the general idea.

I borrowed Jerry's car.

-I was afraid they might be on the lookout for yours.

-Smart girl.

You know, all other pretty girls are just pretty.

Why did you hang up on me last night?

-Someone after you?

-I barely escaped with my life.

-Honest?

-Elinor took over just as I asked where you were.

-Oh, goodness.

-Whatever did you say to her, anyway?

Plenty. Well, I guess that sort of fixes you with her.

-We'll settle that later.

-Oh, that's all settled, Gay.

-You take my word for it.

-We'll see.

Tell me, where does Manuel Retana live?

-Greenwich village, but he's never there. Practically lives in nightclubs.

-I know,

but we're just going to visit his rooms.

Break in?

In a manner of speaking.

Tonight's my night for back doors,

so you go out and drive the car down the alley. I'll be there.

-OK.

-And, er, don't attract any more attention

than your loveliness normally invites.

Oh! Shh!

I can feel my heart beating in my knees.

CRASH

Are you scared?

No.

(Be quiet, dear.)

What are we looking for?

Oh, rags and old iron.

Maybe a shooting iron.

"You ran with him.

"Noel. Santa Cruz, California, 1932."

I wonder who Noel is.

Why?

-Are you reasoning something out, or something?

-Yes.

I'm wondering if I lived here

where I'd hide something if I were clever and had something to hide.

Elementary, Miss Watson.

(No.)

DOOR OPENS

-We could climb up to the roof.

-Quiet.

It's what we've been waiting for.

Who do you suppose he's calling?

I have an idea.

I suspect Noel, the man by the fish.

-Do you?

-No.

Will you shut up?

Suppose he should come out here.

-He won't. He's got a date.

-Oh. Why can't we go?

You wait here.

You're not gonna leave me?

Yes. I'm going to take a peek behind that panel.

Oh, but you can't.

All right. Then you go.

Oh, no.

Here. Hold this.

All right. Up you go.

What did you find there?

A lethal weapon.

Then he did kill Mrs Gardiner!

No man could kill a woman in another room

while he was dancing the rumba with my fiancee.

You mean, your ex-fiancee.

Oh. Why do you keep reminding me?

Serves you right. You should settle down to one woman.

Whom do you suggest?

Oh, there are a lot of nice girls, if you could be really faithful.

Where to now?

The city morgue.

< MAN CHUCKLES

This is the morgue, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

There was a man brought in here tonight. I think he was murdered

in an apartment on 23rd Street.

Oh, oh, him. Yeah. He's around.

My uncle's been missing for years.

-Do you mind if I take a look at the body?

-Oh, no, no. That's all right.

We've got lots of bodies around heres.

Waiting for somebody, miss?

Yes.

My sister.

She's been missing for several days.

They just brought a girl in.

Drowned in the East River.

We - my brother and I - thought that it might be she.

Oh, now, that's too bad.

Did you know the poor stiff?

No. That wasn't my uncle. I hoped perhaps it might be.

Thank you.

She was just a kid, a chorus girl,

but a good girl,

and then she met Manuel.

-You know the kind.

-Yeah. Them rats.

Well, when he left her stranded,

there was just nothing left in life for her.

She kept saying how empty

and meaningless it was.

I told her she had to go on

for the sake of the one to come,

the little one.

You mean...?

Oh, was it her, Bruce?

Uh, no.

-Oh, thank goodness!

-Oh. Well, then maybe she's OK.

Oh, I hope so, officer. Good night.

Good night.

You're certainly a wonderful liar.

I almost began to believe it myself.

Who did you see in there?

Noel.

The man by the fish?

-Then he's the man they found with Dr Locke?

-Yes.

What are we gonna do now?

We're gonna drive to police headquarters.

Police headquarters? Are you gonna give yourself up?

-No. You are.

-Me?

-Well, I...

I have some fingerprints to check up on,

but you're going into headquarters with this gun and confess.

-Are you crazy?

-Now, be quiet. Be quiet.

I have got to think up a nice story for Waldeck.

I wonder how Goldy's getting on?

I'm sitting by the desk.

I'm gonna telephone The Falcon

when all of a sudden I hear a shot.

-Why didn't you call him?

-He was right outside the window, wasn't he?

Look, Goldy. You know me. I got a heart.

Yeah, Michael. I know you have,

and I only wish you had a brain to go with it.

You saw Weber kill Mrs Gardiner!

You found out where he lived and went in to make a deal!

Falcon waited outside. Weber wouldn't play ball. Falcon shot him!

You grabbed the diamond and tossed it out the window to The Falcon.

That's the story, isn't it?

I'm sitting by the desk...

Yeah, yeah, and you heard a shot.

GUNSHOT

Now, take it easy, miss. You got nothing to worry about.

-Release that man in there. He's innocent of murder.

-Which murder?

The Weber murder. He didn't do it because I did.

-Oh, you did, did you?

-I shot him with this gun.

He came back from South Africa and tried to blackmail me.

We were married 15 years ago.

-Yeah?

-I shot him right through the window.

I am giving myself up because I cannot stand by

and see an innocent man pay the penalty for a crime I committed

and have no regrets.

There is the gun. It's the weapon that killed Weber.

Do with me as you will.

-Check on it.

-Right.

Well, young lady, what's your name?

-Helen Drumaine.

-Oh, it is, is it, huh?

-Have a seat, Miss Reed.

-Well, anyway, it's my middle name.

Tell us where you found this gun, and left Mr Laurence.

When I left him he was...

-To whom do you refer?

-All right!

When did you first meet this Weber before you married him

when you were 11 years old?

-Well, you see, it was sort of a...

-Ah, forget it. Forget it.

Hey, Goldy. Come in here.

-Goldy, you ever seen this young lady before?

-No.

-She knows you.

-Must have been some other guy.

-Saw his picture in the paper,

-remembered his face. How could anyone forget it?

-That ain't funny.

-Will you two quit clowning and give me the story?

-Checks perfect, Mike.

-Then it is the gun!

-Yeah. Want to use the phone and tell The Falcon?

Don't worry about Mr Laurence. The owner of the gun's at the Swan Club.

-His name is Manuel Retana, and he's there with a woman.

-Pick up Retana.

-Right.

-Goldy. If there's anything to this, it puts you in the clear.

It don't put me nowhere while this guy Retana's loose.

I'm staying on me constitutional rights, see?

So if you don't mind, I'll just sit here and talk shop

till you bring Retana in.

-Go tell The Falcon I want to see him.

-You're planning to have me followed.

Not unless you insist. Now, go on.

We'll meet in spite of you.

-That dame is twisted in the head.

-But you're all right, eh?

You ain't hung nothing on me yet.

Swan Club? Miss Benford, please.

Angelo, I think I'm losing a beautiful woman.

Ah, that's just like a peacock

losing one tail feather. Plenty more, no?

Thanks, Angelo.

Then we found out she didn't have that at all.

-Call for you, Miss Benford.

-Thank you.

Excuse me. Hello.

Hello, darling. Now, don't hang up,

and above all, don't get excited.

I think the police will be in there to pick up Retana.

Excuse yourself from the table and go home. I'll see you there.

Tell Retana that this is your chauffeur.

Yes, Oscar.

Oh, she is?

Well, in that case, I better come straight home.

All right, Oscar.

Is something wrong?

Yes. My aunt is very ill.

-Is that funny?

-Oh, very funny. You see, I haven't got an aunt.

I don't get it.

That was Mr Laurence,

and I think it only fair to warn you that he's trying to frame you.

Frame me? Why?

Well, you see, you're encroaching on what he thinks is his territory.

He refused to believe that our engagement is broken.

So?

I think we better leave.

There's no telling what lengths he'll go to.

He even tried to scare me by saying the police are after you.

-A bit of a screwball, isn't he?

-Oh, quite a bit.

Uh, where is he now?

He's going home to change clothes,

and then he plans on meeting me.

Wait here. I'll get our coats.

-Everything check?

-It was the gun that killed Noel all right.

-The police are on their way over to pick up Retana.

-That's fine.

I was grilled, and I broke down,

-and they know that I was with you.

-Oh, that's OK,

-just so the gun checks.

-Oh.

Well, the case is breaking, all right.

Darling, you've been absolutely marvellous.

-I don't know what I'd have done without you.

-Am I getting a brush-off?

-No.

-I just have to change clothes and see someone.

-Oh. A woman, naturally.

Naturally.

Do they all fall for you?

All but the clever ones like you.

Now, you buy yourself a soda and take in a movie. I'll see you later.

I hate men!

Now, look, Jerry. This is reaching a bit too far for a gag.

Get your hands up, Laurence.

Ah, Retana.

I thought my fiancee was a better actress.

She was kind enough to inform me

-that the police were coming.

-That was nice of her(!)

I'll take the diamond.

Oh, you surely don't imagine that I carry it on me, do you?

You wouldn't want to be found dead with it on you.

Come on, Laurence. This is it.

OK.

Hold it. Just take off the coat

and toss it over.

Tell me. Why did you kill Weber? You were friends, weren't you?

Yes.

But he had ideas about getting the diamond, too.

That should have been a warning to you.

Now, can you think of one good reason why I shouldn't kill you?

I shall most assuredly try.

For instance, wouldn't it be very much to your advantage

to have the police chase me while you're making your escape?

It's too late for that.

You have already switched the hunt to me.

I was careful to notice there were no detectives

when I entered the building.

Come out, Mike!

GUNSHOT

Am I shot?

No. You weren't hit.

You're a crazy little fool, but you saved my life, darling.

Take care of her, Jerry.

I have to hurry and change my clothes.

I change, too. Very much in sweat sitting here.

GOLDY SNORES

-Get your grimy paws off me, you baboon!

-Don't say that, lady.

Are you this moron's superior officer?

-Don't say that, lady!

-Shut up, both of you.

Goldy. Goldy, tell this germ who I am.

Hey, Michael, this dame...

I said shut up! Where's Retana?

Well, chief, it's like this. I crash the club. They tell me Retana

has took it on the lam, but he leaves this dame...

Fine talk. Listen. A detective is a servant of the people.

Well, I ankles up to her table, I tells her she's under arrest,

she says, "Don't be ridiculous." I insist, she brings a plate down,

-which staggers me...

-It was the heaviest thing I could find.

Well, I'm groggy, but I got the dame here before she could duck.

After I sat down in a chair, he overtook me.

So I bring her in. Oh, she's in cahoots, all right.

Very exciting.

-You hit Bates on the head with a plate. Why? >

-Why not?

What's your name? > Elinor Benford, as this man

-can verify, and furthermore...

-What were you doing with Retana?

I was simply sitting there, waiting for Manuel

-when this... this creature...

-Don't say that, lady!

This creature came crashing in. How was I to know he was a detective?

-What made you think he wasn't one?

-A certain man told me that he was.

-You mean, told you he wasn't.

-No. Was.

-I guess I'm just dumb. I don't get it.

-Yeah.

I think I do. That person, no doubt, thinks this is a very funny gag.

-Michael, this dame was the number...

-Will you quit calling me a dame?

All right, all right. Now, let's take it easy.

-How well do you know Retana?

-May I use your phone?

-Who do you want to call?

-A Mr Laurence, if you must know.

The Falcon, huh? Go ahead.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Again, or yet?

Oh, Miss Benford.

Oh. Give me that. Now, wait, darling.

It's just a very strange coincidence.

ELINOR YELLS INDISTINCTLY

Now, Elinor, please.

Ladies don't talk like that.

ELINOR CONTINUES YELLING

But I...

'You'll never get away with it! I'm fed up with your stupid pranks!'

Well, where are you?

As if you didn't know, you top-hatted termite!

Maybe this is your idea of comedy, I'm not laughing.

But, darling, I tried to warn you.

All right. Put Mike on the wire.

You're developing into a major catastrophe.

-Oh, hello, Mike.

-Listen, Falcon.

It's a serious offence to obstruct justice.

I'll have you jugged on sight.

Now, Mike. Just as I was about to solve the whole complication...

Nothing complicated to solve!

Weber killed Mrs Gardiner. Retana knocked off Weber.

We've a dragnet out for him now. He'll be picked up any minute.

It's an open-and-shut case.

Very well, Mike. I'll pick up the leader of this gang alone.

What newspaper shall I turn the culprit over to,

The Examiner, or The Record?

All right, Mike.

Meet me at 72nd and Central Park West as soon as you can get there.

Oh, and Mike?

Miss Benford's OK, and I love her,

but will you do me a favour and lock her up until we get back?

OK. Swell.

Now are you satisfied?

Lock her up, Bates.

Why, that skunk! What did he say to you? I demand to know what he said.

Come on, lady! You ran your bluff.

Goldy, get me a lawyer! Get me a habeas corpus! Get me a judge!

Some dame, huh? Highbrow. The Falcon's nuts about her.

-Yeah. That's what he said.

-Then why did you send her to the cooler?

He wants her on ice till we pick up the brains of this job.

-Want to come along?

-Nope. I'll sit this one out.

Thanks a million.

-You better keep out of sight until I call you.

-Now, look here, Falcon.

I already served my apprenticeship as a stooge

-to get where I am today.

-You want to take it from here, Mike?

Take what from here? Ain't I got a right to know what's going on?

You will get your credit, all right.

Just wait here in the hallway.

-MAXINE:

-Who is it?

Gay.

Oh.

I'm afraid I'm a little late for our luncheon appointment.

I understand. I've read the papers.

-Come in, won't you?

-Thank you.

Come and sit down.

Cigarette?

Thanks.

What's wrong?

I'm frightened, Gay, desperately frightened.

Why?

-My life has been threatened.

-By whom?

I don't know. I got a mysterious phone call last night after you left

and another tonight.

-Did you recognise the voice?

-No. Whoever it was

knows that I asked you to handle the case. They threatened to kill me

unless I got you to drop it.

I suspect that when we find the man behind the voice,

we'll find the brain behind this ring.

They're vicious, Gay. He'll kill me before you get him!

Why didn't you ask for police protection?

How could I? I knew you'd try and come here,

and if the police were around, they'd arrest you.

Well, I'm in the clear now.

I'd feel so much safer if you were around.

Look. Mike Waldeck is outside. Do you mind if I bring him in?

Of course not.

Then we shall both be here in case anything happens.

I think I'll go to bed now. Good night.

Good night, and don't worry.

I just wondered if you were going to spend the rest of the night here.

-Well, so I am. Won't you come in?

-She got a friend?

-No, but she needs a couple.

-Who?

-Maxine Wood.

We were gonna pick up the brains of this gang, remember?

I'm expecting Miss Wood to have a visitor. Come on.

-Now, listen, Falcon...

-Not a word. Just sit down and wait.

-If this is one of your tricks...

-Shh!

THUD

MAN: Well, Maxine. >

I told you I'd take care of you. >

I'm keeping my word. >

-MAXINE:

-You wouldn't dare. >

Wouldn't I? >

That's what someone else thought. >

You won't get away with it this time.

Don't worry. They won't get me alive. >

Wait, wait.

Too bad you didn't string along with me.

We could have accomplished things together,

-but now...

-You murdering devil!

MAXINE SCREAMS

Back away from that bed! Don't try anything, you!

Retana.

So you were looking for the brain.

I told you when we picked this bird up the case'd be shut.

Stupid of me.

Looks like he's kept his word.

I don't think we're taking him alive.

A hypo needle.

He jabbed himself with a quick-acting poison when he knew he was cornered.

Just relax, Maxine.

I'm all right. Thank you.

Look out for that glass.

-Mike pick up that tube with your handkerchief. There's fingerprints on it.

-Fingerprints?

Yes, and they're not Retana's.

I've been wondering how you'd accomplish it, Miss Wood.

Very bright idea.

When he lunged at you, you were ready for him with a hypo needle.

Mike, I'm afraid you'll ave to arrest Miss Wood for murder.

You'll pardon me if I seem to butt into my own affairs,

-but I'd like to know why!

-Miss Wood had to eliminate Retana

-or be exposed.

-What do you mean, exposed?

If you checked the prints of the late Noel Weber, you'd discover

-he recently emerged from San Quentin.

-So what?

Where he served eight years for operating

with a jewel ring headed by his wife, who escaped.

She's Mrs Weber!

Brilliant, isn't he?

Right, Mike.

When Weber was detained by the authorities, his wife came east

and built up a fancy reputation for herself as a party giver

-with jewellery disappearances on the side.

-Yeah? Yeah?

Then Weber's released, comes back to wifey, and together, they decide

to double-cross Retana on this monsoon diamond deal,

and live happily ever after on the proceeds.

-Which Retana found out!

-Right again, Mike.

So he killed one and was about to complete the job...

-..when I apprehended him!

-Exactly.

Get your coat.

In fact, if it hadn't been for one small slip made by Miss Wood,

you wouldn't have solved this thing so easily.

Just out of morbid curiosity,

-do you mind telling me where?

-Not at all.

When you sent Miss Reed to bring me over to this apartment,

we very carefully threw everyone off our trail,

and I left Goldy outside for about 15 minutes

during which time Weber picked him up.

Now, you know, Weber didn't just happen to be there.

Who cares? Where's the diamond?

-In his pocket.

-You are shrewd.

-Thank you.

If you'd mind your own business, Mr Laurence,

-my profession would be quite a good one.

-I'm going to take your tip.

-From now on, Mike is on his own.

-Poor fella.

All right, all right. Let's go.

Turn this dame over to Elmer and have him release Miss Benford.

Yes, sir. This way, lady.

-Did you bring him in?

-No.

Oh. So you bungle a job, huh?

I'm gonna stay right here till I see Retana walk in.

OK. Go out and tell the cop to lock you up until Retana walks in.

-Where's The Falcon?

-Outside.

Right here!

Well, good luck, Miss Wood.

I'd advise you to plead guilty

and, er, just keep smiling at the jury.

Hello, darling. Nice of you to wait up for me.

I hope they keep you in here forever.

I hope they throw the key away!

-I hope they...

-Wishful thinking, my dear.

I'm in the clear. How about you?

I'll gladly spend the rest of my days here

if I can just get my fingernails into you for one minute!

Very jealous woman.

I think I can get you off, if you promise to marry me.

Get out of here. I know when I'm well off!

Spring her, Elmer.

Now, listen to me.

I tried to warn you against hobnobbing with a murderer.

I had you locked up here for your own protection,

and this is the thanks I get for it.

Gay! Retana almost shot me,

and it wasn't your fault that he didn't. I owe a considerable

debt of gratitude to a very nice young lady for saving my life.

I think I shall marry her. Goodbye.

Gay, darling, I didn't know.

Oh, forgive me. I've been such an awful fool.

Oh, darling.

Darling, we can be married immediately.

I promise to give up crime and other women.

MAN: Hello, Mr Falcon.

-Are you The Falcon?

-Yes.

You must help me. He's innocent, I tell you. My brother's innocent!

He didn't do it! Don't let them take him away!

Oh, excuse me, darling. I'll be right back.

If you're not doing anything tonight, how about a game of gin rummy?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd