Up in the Air

This film contains strong language.

MUSIC: "This Land is Your Land" by Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings

# This land is your land

# This land is my land

# From California

# To the New York Island

# From the Redwood Forest

# To the gulf stream waters

# I tell ya

# This land was made for you and me

# As I went walking

# Down that ribbon of a highway

# I saw above me

# All that endless skyway

# Now I saw below me

# That golden valley

# And I said this land was made for you and me

# This land is your land

# This land is my land

# From Riverside California

# To Staten Island

# Well on down to Modesto Georgia

# Houston Texas and LA

# You know, this land is your land

# This land is my land

# This land is your land You got to believe

# Oh, it's my land... #

This is what I get in return for 30 years of service for my company?

They send some yo-yo like you

in here to try to tell me that I'm out of a job?

They should be telling you you're out of a job.

You have a lot of gall,

coming in here and firing your number one producer.

You'll go home tomorrow and make more money than you've ever made

and I'll go home without a pay cheque. Fuck you.

I guess you leave me dumbfounded.

I don't know where this is coming from.

How am I supposed to go back as a man and explain this to my wife, that I lost my job?

On a stress level,

I've heard that losing your job is like a death in the family.

But personally, I felt more like

the people I worked with were my family, and I died.

I can't afford to be unemployed.

I have a house payment, I have children.

I don't know how you can live with yourself,

but I'm sure you'll find a way while the rest of us are suffering.

Who the fuck are you, man?

'Excellent question. Who the fuck am I?

'Poor Steve has worked here for seven years.

'He's never had a meeting with me before,

'or passed me in the hall.

'Or told me a story in the break room.

'That's because I don't work here.

'I work for a company that lends me out to pussies like Steve's boss,

'who don't have the balls to sack their own employees.

'And in some cases, for good reason,

'because people do crazy shit when they get fired.'

Did I do something wrong?

Is there something I can do differently here?

It's not an assessment of your productivity.

Try not to take this personally.

-("Don't take it personally.")

-Stephen.

I want you to review this packet, take it seriously,

I think you're going to find a lot of good answers in here.

I'm sure this is gonna be very helpful, a packet(!)

Thank you, a packet.

Anybody who ever built an empire or changed the world

sat where you are right now.

It's because they sat there that they were able to do it.

That's the truth.

(Yeah).

I'm gonna need your key card.

Great. OK.

Now, take the day, go get together your personal things,

then tomorrow, get yourself some exercise, go out for a jog,

give yourself some routines and pretty soon you'll find your legs.

How do I get in touch with you?

Don't worry, we'll be in touch with you soon.

This is just the beginning.

'I'll never see Steve again.'

'To know me is to fly with me.

'This is where I live.

'When I run my card, the system prompts the desk clerk

'to greet me with this exact statement.'

Pleasure to see you again, Mr Bingham.

'It's these systemised friendly touches that keep my world in orbit.'

'All the things you probably hate about travelling, the recycled air,

'the artificial lighting, digital juice dispensers, cheap sushi,

'are warm reminders that I'm home.'

Do you want the cancer?

The what?

Do you want the cancer?

The cancer?

The can, sir?

Oh. No, I'm fine, thank you.

How much does your life weigh?

Imagine for a second that you're carrying a backpack.

I want you to feel the straps on your shoulders. Feel them?

I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life.

Start with the little things.

Things on shelves and in drawers, the knick-knacks, collectibles.

Feel the weight as that adds up.

Start adding larger stuff.

Clothes, table-top appliances, lamps, linens, your TV.

Backpack should be getting pretty heavy now, and you go bigger.

Your couch, bed, kitchen table.

You stuff it all in there. Your car, get it in there.

Your home.

Whether it's a studio apartment or a two-bedroom house,

I want you to stuff it all into that backpack.

Now try to walk.

AUDIENCE CHUCKLE

It's kind of hard, isn't it?

This is what we do to ourselves on a daily basis.

We weigh ourselves down until we can't even move

and make no mistake, moving is living.

Now, I'm gonna set that backpack on fire.

What do you want to take out of it?

Photos? Photos are for people who can't remember.

Drink some Ginkgo and let the photos burn.

In fact, let everything burn

and imagine waking up tomorrow with nothing.

It's kind of exhilarating, isn't it?

Welcome back, Mr Bingham.

PHONE RINGS

Ryan Bingham's office.

You put me in a Dodge Stratus in Kansas City?

They were out of all full-size Sedans.

-Did you try -

-Yes, I reminded them

of your remarkable Gold Club status and years in the programme.

They're moving mountains to get you a Sebring.

-Fair enough. Any other messages?

-'Your sister Kara called.'

Needs to speak urgently about your sister's wedding,

I told her you were mid-air, and I didn't know your destination.

Well done.

And you got an invitation to speak at Goalquest in Vegas.

Goalquest 20?

'Every once in a while, I do speaking engagements, motivational stuff.

'But Goalquest, we're talking major Tony Robbins shit.'

It's got a hologram on it.

They're calling it Dos Equis.

All right, I'll check in.

I've got Craig Gregory for you.

Wait - (Fuck).

-How is my little road warrior?

-'Hey.'

20 minutes from boarding into a world of bliss.

Good numbers outta Phoenix, wry guy.

You know Big Auto's cutting another 10k by the end of the month?

-No kidding?

-Christmas came early.

I wish I could have you in five places, but I need you in Omaha by the end of the week.

I thought you needed me everywhere?

We got something real big here, a real game changer.

-What are we talking about here?

-'You'll see.'

Today I took my first crap in two weeks, hallelujah.

That's me hanging up on you.

Great. Love that sound.

Are you satisfied with Maestro?

Yeah, I am.

A little stingy with their miles. I like Hertz.

Hertz keeps its vehicles too long.

If a car has over 20,000 miles, I won't drive it.

Maestro doesn't instant check-out. I like to park and go.

Hertz doesn't guarantee navigation.

You don't seem like you need directions.

I hate asking for directions, that's why I get a nav.

That new outfit, Colonial, isn't bad.

-Is that a joke?

-Yes.

-Their kiosk placement blows.

-Never have available upgrades.

It's a fleet of shitboxes, I don't know how they're still in business.

-I'm Ryan.

-I'm Alex.

Oh, Maplewood card. How dare you bring that into this palace?

Hilton offers equal value and better food, but the Maplewood

-gives out cookies at check-in.

-They got you with the cookies.

I'm a sucker for simulated hospitality.

There's an industry term for that,

it's a mixture of "faux" and "homey", "faumey."

Oh, my God. I wasn't sure these actually existed.

This is the American Airlines -

It's a Concierge Key, yeah.

-What is that? Carbon-fibre?

-Graphite.

Oh, God. I love the weight.

-I was pretty excited when that bad boy came in.

-Yeah, I'll say.

I put up pretty pedestrian numbers. 60 thou a year domestic.

-That's not bad.

-Don't patronise me.

What's your total?

That's a personal question. We hardly know each other.

Show some hubris. Come on, impress me.

-I'd bet it's huge.

-You have no idea.

Oh, how big? What is it, this big?

-Er...

-This big?

-I don't want to brag.

Oh, come on. Come on.

Let's just say I have a number in mind.

I haven't hit it yet.

This is pretty fucking sexy.

Hope it doesn't cheapen our relationship.

We're two people who get turned on by elite status,

I think cheap is our starting point.

There's nothing cheap about loyalty.

So we came up with this master plan which was for me to put gauze,

to put bandages on both my hands.

Then we got onto the plane, transatlantic.

Flying to erm, er, Zurich.

Walked up, waited until it was dark

and walked up to the, er, bathroom with her.

They're watching the movie and I was like...

Opened up, went inside,

she opened the door for me and came in like she was gonna help me

and then, you know, we gave it our best shot. It wasn't great,

-but it was fun, it was tricky -

-Give me some details!

It's not so easy, have you ever tried it?

Yes, I have.

-Really?

-Really.

(CHUCKLES) You've done that?

I have done that.

On a transatlantic flight?

On a domestic flight. Regional, actually.

-At night time?

-No, daytime.

-You -

-What?

How do you do that?

Oh, I'm really flexible.

DOOR STAYS LOCKED

I should throw these out.

BOTH GIGGLE

We can always use that room with the ice machine.

Uh-huh. Here, look.

BOTH LAUGH

Good call on that towel rack.

I like how you burritoed me in the sofa cushions.

I was improvising.

Shame we didn't make it to the closet.

Mmm... we gotta do this again.

Oh, yeah.

All right, I'm in Newark on the 12th, Modesto on the 13th,

Oklahoma City on the 15th.

Any South West? I'll be swinging by Albuquerque week of the 16th.

-No, but I'm in Florida on the 20th.

-Fort Lauderdale?

Miami.

-That's nothing.

-40 minutes.

I should probably go back to my room so I can wake up in my bed.

I think that would be the ladylike thing to do.

Nice meeting you.

Pleasure.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

'Hey, Ryan. How are you holding up?'

'Every family has the one person who keeps the genealogy in check.

'That's my sister Kara, the glue.'

Fine. You and the kids?

Er, Missy's outstanding, Matthew made varsity. How's the road?

-Couldn't be better.

-'Good. So, Ryan..?'

-Yeah?

I didn't want to have to ask you this because I know how you are

about doing things for others.

But there's three weeks to go to Julie's wedding

and we could use your help.

Yeah?

'We're sending people kits'

so they can print out photos of Julie and Jim on card

and take photos of them in interesting places,

like the gnome in the French movie.

Why?

It's Julie's wedding and she thinks it would be fun. Does it matter why?

How is Julie?

'Call her. She thinks you've turned to butter.'

You're isolated the way you live.

Isolated? I'm surrounded.

-'So, your assistant said you were gonna be in Vegas.'

-Did he?

Can you get a photo of the cut-out in front of the Luxor pyramid?

Place is a shithole, nobody stays there.

Jesus, Ryan, I'm not asking you to check in,

can you just take a stupid photo?

(SIGHS) I'll try my best.

'Thank you for trying your best.'

'Last year, I spent 322 days on the road.

'Which means I had to spend 43 miserable days at home.'

-(KNOCKS ON COUNTER)

-Hey, neighbour.

-Hey. Hi.

-Hi.

I signed for this while you were gone.

Oh, thanks.

-Hope it wasn't too much of a bother.

-Nah.

Wow.

That's my sister. I haven't met the guy yet. They're getting married.

-Lots of luck.

-I know, right?

What are you doing tonight? You wanna come over later?

Erm... I've started seeing somebody.

Oh, OK. Great.

Hey, it's good to see you.

You too.

Seems like it's been a while this time.

OK.

I am thrilled that everyone's back under one roof. Welcome home, boys.

There's been a lot of whispering about why we're here,

so let me jump right in. Retailers are down 20%.

Auto industry is in the dump,

housing market doesn't have a heartbeat.

It is one of the worst times on record for America.

This is our moment.

QUIET LAUGHTER

Last summer, we received a dynamite young woman here from Cornell

and she had some pretty big ideas that she challenged me with,

and my first reaction was, "Who does she think she is?"

but after I gave it a listen, she knocked me out.

So, with a peek into our future, Natalie Keener.

If there's one word I want to leave you with today, it's this.

(ALL MUTTER "GLOCAL")

-Glocal?

-Glocal.

Our global must become local.

This company keeps 23 people on the road at least 250 days a year.

It's expensive and it's inefficient.

When I came to Craig three months ago with this,

he told me, and quite astutely,

"It's only a problem if you have a solution."

Well, today I stand before you with just that.

You all know Ned in reception.

Today, I'm gonna fire Ned.

Sorry, Ned. I'm sure HR will hire you back this afternoon.

We'll see about that.

ALL CHUCKLE

Now, Ned could be any employee in any client's location worldwide.

Strategy packets would be shipped in advance. Ned would be given a seat

and find one of our transition specialists waiting for him.

Mr Laskin, the reason we're having this conversation is that your position is no longer available.

I don't understand. I'm fired?

Hearing the words "You've been let go," isn't easy.

Change is scary, but consider the following.

Anybody who built an empire or changed the world sat where you are now

and it's because they sat there that they were able to do it.

(That's my fucking line.)

What happens now?

This is the first step of a process

that ends with you in a new job that fulfils you.

But how does it work?

I want you to take the packet in front of you.

Review it. All the answers you're looking for are inside.

Fill out the necessary information and before you know it,

you'll be on your way to new opportunities.

Ned, I need you to go back to your desk

and start putting together your things. As a favour to me,

I'd appreciate it if you didn't spread the news just yet.

Panic doesn't help anyone.

I understand.

Give it up for Ned.

APPLAUSE

You can start the morning in Boston, stop in Dallas over lunch

and finish the day in San Francisco, all for the price of a T1 line.

Our inflated travel budget is eviscerated by 85%.

And, more importantly, to you guys on the road,

no more Christmases in a hotel in Tulsa,

no more hours lost to weather delays.

You get to come home.

Tell me you're not taking this seriously.

That's why we brought the entire company in,

-because we're not taking this seriously.

-There's a methodology to what I do.

There's a reason why it works.

Coke and IBM have been doing this for years. Familiar with them?

Just like anything, it's gonna take a few months of transition

and everybody will settle in.

-Who are you taking off the road?

-How are you not getting this?

You're grounded, everybody's grounded. It's done.

What we do here is brutal and it does leave people devastated,

but there is a dignity to the way I do it.

Stabbing them in the chest instead of the back?

-You wanted to see me?

-Well, erm...

-You know what, yeah, come on in. Come on in here.

-Great job.

-Thank you. How is everyone taking it?

-Great.

Listen, I admire your, er...

Your zeal, and I think you have some good ideas, but you know nothing

about the realities of my industry.

You can set up an iChat, but you don't know how people think.

-Actually, I minored in psychology.

-Nice.

-OK, kiddo. Fire me.

-Ryan -

She'll be doing this regularly. You want to know if she can?

-She's fired Ned.

-My dog could fire Ned. Fire me.

-You don't need to do this.

-No, it's OK. I got this.

Mr Bingham,

I regret to inform you

that your position at this company is no longer available.

Who the hell are you?

-I'm Miss Keener, I'm here to discuss your future.

-My future?

-Only Craig Gregory can fire me.

-Mr Gregory hired me to handle this.

Handle what? Handle me?

Mr Gregory hired me, he's the only one who can fire me.

You know what, I'm gonna go talk to him.

Mr Bingham...

No, you can't follow me. You're on a computer screen, remember?

-Ryan -

-Let's try this again. Fire me again.

-I just did.

-You didn't.

-Fire me.

-That's enough, I think we get it.

I'm here today to inform you your position is no longer available.

I'm fired?

-Yes, you're fired.

-Never say fired.

-You've been let go.

-Why?

This is a mythical situation. How could I possibly know?

Why doesn't matter, you never know why.

Don't focus on why, spend your energy thinking about the future.

I'll spend my energy on suing you

unless you give me a good reason why you're firing me.

The reason's not important.

You're firing me without grounds? Now I have a lawsuit.

I get what you're trying to say.

-Don't take this personally.

-Personally?

This is the most personal situation that you are ever gonna enter

so before you try to revolutionise my business,

I'd like to know that you actually know my business.

Hell of a way to welcome her to the team.

Am I the only one that sees that by doing this

we're making ourselves irrelevant?

No. We're making you irrelevant.

Nice.

Don't blame me, blame high fuel costs,

insurance premiums, technology.

Watch yourself, you're too young to become a dinosaur.

I'm not a dinosaur.

I want you to show her the ropes.

What do I know what goes on here? Get Ferguson to do it.

-Not talking about here.

-No.

-Yeah.

You're confident that this girl doesn't know what she's doing -

I don't think a MySpace page qualifies you

to rewire an entire company.

Then great, here's your chance. Go out there, show her the magic.

I'm not a fucking tour guide.

Oh, here we go.

Bingham, here's the boat and here's you.

Do you want to be in the boat?

Yeah, alone.

We're rounding everybody up.

You want to stay out longer, you're welcome,

but you will not be alone, OK?

You let me know.

Oh, Christ.

< WHEELS GRIND ALONG FLOOR

HE SIGHS

What?

Follow me.

-I like my luggage.

-That's exactly what it is, luggage.

Know how much time you lose checking in?

I don't know, 5-10 minutes.

35 minutes a flight. I travel 270 days a year.

That's 157 hours. That makes seven days.

Willing to throw away an entire week on that?

You don't need this. Sorry, you don't need that.

You're not gonna need that. They have neck pillows on the plane.

They have better ones there. I'll get rid of this.

I can just meet you at security.

Thank you.

Bingo. Asians.

You can't be serious.

Never get behind people with infants.

I've never seen a stroller collapse in less than 20 minutes. Old people are worse.

Their bodies are littered

with hidden metal and they never seem to appreciate

how little time they have left on Earth.

Five words - "Randomly selected for additional screening."

Asians.

They pack light, travel efficiently

and they got a thing for slip-on shoes, God love them.

That's racist.

I'm like my mother, I stereotype. It's faster.

< NATALIE TYPES LOUDLY

Are you mad at your computer?

I type with purpose.

What is it that you're working on so furiously?

I'm building a workflow of firing techniques.

Questions and responses, actions and reactions, a script

taking you through the steps of firing someone.

Who's it for?

Theoretically, you could put it in the hands of anyone

and they'd be downsizing immediately.

All you have to do is follow the steps.

Natalie, what is it you think we do here?

We prepare the newly unemployed for the hurdles of job hunting,

while minimising legal blow-back.

That's what we're selling, it's not what we're doing.

OK, what are we doing?

We are here to make limbo tolerable.

To ferry wounded souls across the river of dread

until the point where hope is dimly visible.

Then stop the boat, shove them in the water and make them swim.

That was really impressive. You gonna put that in your book?

SHE CONTINUES TYPING

MOBILE RINGS

-I've got to grab this. I'll meet you at car rental.

-OK.

Hey, I was hoping I'd hear from you.

I'm in Hotlanta, I need a rib joint recommend bad.

Fat Matt's. Bring a bib.

You never called.

I wasn't sure what was appropriate.

Appropriate? Ryan, I'm not some waitress you banged in a snowstorm.

That word has no place in our vocabulary.

I'm the woman that you don't have to worry about.

Sounds like a trap.

Listen, the next time that you're worried about manners, don't.

If you want to call, call.

Just think of me as yourself, only with a vagina.

When am I gonna see you?

Well, I'm out of Hartsfield into IAD,

with a connection at ORD into SDF.

-'Sorry.'

-Yeah, tell me about it.

How long is your layover? They got multiples into SDF.

Think you could push?

Yeah, I can push.

All you have to do today is watch and listen

and when I talk about a strategy packet, hand them one of those.

Sounds great.

So although I wish I were here with better news,

the fact is that you and I are sitting here today

because this will be your last week of employment at this company.

-Why me?

-What am I supposed to do now?

Am I supposed to feel better that I'm not the only one?

This is ridiculous. I have been a fine employee for over ten years

and this is the way you treat me?

How do you sleep at night, man? Huh?

How's your family? They sleeping well at night?

Electricity still on?

Heat still on? Refrigerator full of food?

Gas tank full of gas?

Going Chuck E Cheese this weekend or something? Not me.

My kids, we're not gonna do anything.

What do you suggest I tell them?

Perhaps you're underestimating the positive effect

that your career transition can have on your children.

The positive effect?

I make about 90 grand a year now.

Unemployment is what, 250 bucks a week?

Is that one of your positive effects?

Well, we'll be cosier, because I'm not going to be able to pay

my mortgage on my house, so maybe we can move

into a nice fucking one-bedroom apartment somewhere.

And I guess without benefits, I'll be able to hold my daughter

as she suffers from her asthma

that I won't be able to afford the medication for.

Well, tests have shown that children under moderate trauma

have a tendency to apply themselves academically.

As a method of coping.

Go fuck yourself.

That's what my kids will think.

Your children's admiration is important to you?

Yeah. Yeah, it was.

I doubt they ever admired you, Bob.

Hey, asshole, aren't you supposed be consoling me?

I'm not a shrink, Bob, I'm a wake-up call.

You know why kids love athletes?

I don't know, cos they screw lingerie models.

No, that's why we love athletes.

Kids love athletes because they follow their dreams.

Well, I can't dunk.

No, but you can cook.

What are you talking about?

Your resume says that you minored in French culinary arts.

Most students work on the fryer at KFC,

but you bussed tables at El Picador to support yourself.

And then you get out of college, and you come and work here.

How much did they first pay you to give up on your dreams?

27 grand a year.

When were you gonna stop and come back and do what makes you happy?

Good question.

I see guys who work at the same company for their entire lives,

guys exactly like you.

They clock in, they clock out,

and they never have a moment of happiness.

You have an opportunity here, Bob.

This is a rebirth.

If not for you, do it for your children.

He just waltzes in and cuts in line?

We reserve priority assistance for our Hilton Honours members.

Promotions are great. Check it out.

Hungry much?

Our business expense allows 40 each for dinner.

I plan on grabbing as many miles as I can.

OK. You gotta fill me in on the miles thing, what is that about?

Are you talking about frequent flyer miles?

You really want to know?

I'm dying to know.

I don't spend a nickel if I can help it,

unless it profits my mileage account.

So what are you saving up for, Hawaii, south of France?

It's not like that.

The miles are the goal.

That's it? You're saving just to save?

Let's just say I have a number in mind, and I haven't hit it yet.

That's a little abstract. What's the target?

I'd rather not.

Is it a secret target?

It's ten million miles.

OK. Isn't ten million just a number?

-Pi's just a number.

-Well, we all need a hobby.

No, I don't mean to belittle your collection, I get it.

It sounds cool.

I'd be the seventh person to do it. More people have walked on the moon.

Do they throw you a parade?

You get lifetime executive status,

you get to meet the chief pilot, Maynard Finch -

-Wow.

-And they put your name on a plane.

Men get such hard-ons from putting their name on stuff.

You need to pee on everything.

Now who's stereotyping?

Fear of mortality. It's like,

yeah, you're gonna die one day.

Why is that singular to men?

Probably cos you can't have babies.

The baby argument.

If I had that many miles, I would show up at an airport,

look at the destination board, pick a place and go.

MOBILE VIBRATES

Thanks for the advice.

(Jesus.)

OK. Closer.

Way closer.

Still closer.

Closer. OK.

A little left.

Down a little.

Too far. Up. Up. One more inch.

Why does your sister want a fake photo?

My sister is kooky. She thinks this is charming.

It's like the gnome thing.

Why would she want one in front of St Louis airport?

Are you kidding, Lambert Field? Wright brothers flew through there.

That domed main terminal was the first of its kind.

It's a precursor from everything from JFK to de Gaulle.

That's pretty sweet.

Just take the picture.

Wow, that's a keeper.

Let me see it.

Why she wants reminders of all the places

she hasn't been is beyond me...

I'm sure she'll be crushed for having missed this airport(!)

Before Lindbergh crossed the Atlantic,

he took off from that runway.

Wonder why they call it the Spirit of St Louis?

-No.

-Well -

Do you know how fucked this place is without me?

I am the one thing - the one thing -

preventing this place from being fucked in the ass!

Sometimes they just need to vent.

Please, for the love of God, can I fire the next one?

Miss Barnes, thank you for joining us.

I'm here to be fired, right?

Well, we're here to talk about your future.

You don't have to sugar-coat it. I get the drill.

What are they offering?

Inside the packet, you'll find a clearly worked-out severance package.

Give me the bullet points.

It's actually pretty good.

Three months' pay, six months' medical

and a year of placement services through CTC.

Placement services? That's generous.

Commonly, it takes one month of searching

for every 10,000 you expect to earn.

So I could be looking for a while.

Not necessarily.

Don't sweat it. I'm pretty confident about my plans.

-Really?

-Yeah.

There's this beautiful bridge by my house.

I'm gonna go jump off it.

Natalie.

Hey.

Natalie!

People say these things all the time. It's part of the trade.

-They do?

-Yeah, they say crazy things.

They get worked up.

She was really calm.

I think that's a good sign.

So they don't ever actually do it?

No. No, it's just talk.

How do you know, do you follow up?

I mean, no. Nothing good's gonna come of that, but...

I wouldn't worry about it.

This is what we do, Natalie.

We take people at their most fragile and we set them adrift.

Are you ready to go back in?

All right, let's go, come on.

MUSIC: "Goin' Home" by Dan Auerbach

# I've spent too long away from home

# Did all the things I could have done... #

No, I'm fine. Tell me something sweet.

I'll be back soon. Not sure how long this exercise is supposed to last.

No, I don't think of him that way. He's old.

# ..I'm not the only one

# So long

# I'm goin', goin' home

# I saw the streets

# All ripe with jewels

# Balconies

# And the laundry lines... #

-II-I'm done?

-I wasn't expecting this. Not at all.

-Just like that?

I'm disappointed that I've given so much of my life -

This is not fair.

There are people more qualified than me now.

I don't know what to do when I wake up tomorrow.

(SIGHS)

Are you OK?

-Are we going?

-Yeah.

# So long

# I'm goin'... #

This is how I start every day of my life.

This is going to be a little difficult, so stay with me.

You have a new backpack.

Only this time, I want you to fill it with people.

Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends,

folks around the office

and then the people you trust with your most intimate secrets.

Your cousins, your aunts, your uncles,

your brothers, your sisters, your parents.

Finally, your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend.

You get them into that backpack.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna ask you to light it on fire.

AUDIENCE CHUCKLE

Feel the weight of that bag. Make no mistake,

your relationships are the heaviest components in your life.

Feel the straps cutting into your shoulders?

All those negotiations and arguments and secrets and compromises.

You don't need to carry all that weight.

You should set that bag down.

Some animals are meant to carry each other,

to live symbiotically for a lifetime.

Star-crossed lovers, monogamous swans.

We are not those animals.

The slower we move, the faster we die.

We are not swans.

We're sharks.

-Never?

-No.

-Ever?

-No.

-You never want to get married?

-No.

Never want kids?

Not a chance.

-Ever?

-Never. Is that so bizarre?

Yes. Yes, it is.

I just don't see the value in it.

All right, sell it to me.

-What?

-Sell me marriage.

OK, how about love?

(SCOFFS) OK.

Stability? Somebody you can count on?

How many stable marriages do you know?

Somebody to talk to? Someone to spend your life with?

I'm surrounded by people to talk to, I doubt that's gonna change.

How about just not dying alone?

Starting when I was 12,

we moved each one of my grandparents into a nursing facility.

My parents went the same way.

Make no mistake, we all die alone.

Now, those cult members in San Diego,

with the Kool-Aid and the sneakers, they didn't die alone.

I'm just saying, there are options.

Oh, fuck.

Brian left me.

SHE WAILS

It's all right.

OK. OK. All right.

Shh.

Yeah...

Hey.

Natalie, this is Alex, my friend. This is Natalie.

I should give you both a moment.

No, no. That's fine.

I'm fine. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Maybe we should just all go up to our rooms and freshen up.

-Or maybe a drink?

-Now you're talking.

He broke up with you over text message?

It's like firing someone over the internet.

What a weaselly prick.

What does that make me?

Someone who falls for a prick.

We all fall for them.

Pricks are spontaneous, unpredictable and fun.

Then we're surprised when they turn out to be pricks.

-I followed him to Omaha.

-You did?

I had a job waiting for me in San Francisco

when he got an offer from ConAgra.

He said we could start a life together.

So I followed him.

To Nebraska?

I thought I'd be engaged by now. No offence.

-None taken.

-It's all right.

When I was 16, I thought by 23, I'd be married, maybe have a kid,

corner office by day, entertaining at night.

I was supposed to be driving a Grand Cherokee by now.

Life can underwhelm you that way.

Where did you think you'd be by erm..?

It doesn't work that way.

At a certain point, you stop with the deadlines.

It can be counter-productive.

I don't want to say anything that's anti-feminist.

I really appreciate everything your generation did for me.

-Our pleasure.

-Well done.

But sometimes it feels like no matter how success I have,

it's not gonna matter until I find the right guy.

You really thought this guy was the one?

I could have made it work.

He erm... He really fit the bill, you know?

The bill?

White collar, college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies,

6 ft 1", brown hair, kind eyes.

Works in finance but is outdoorsy, you know, on the weekends.

I always imagined he'd have a single syllable name,

like, erm, Matt or John or Dave.

In a perfect world, he drives a 4Runner

and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden Lab.

And a nice smile.

What about you?

Let me think, er...

Honestly, by the time you're 34,

all the physical requirements go out the window.

You secretly pray that he'll be taller than you.

Erm... not an asshole would be nice, someone who enjoys my company,

comes from a good family,

because you don't think of that when you're younger.

I don't know... someone who wants kids...

Likes kids, wants kids.

Healthy enough... to play with his kids.

Oh, please, let him earn more money than I do.

You might not understand that now, but believe me, you will one day,

otherwise that's a recipe for disaster.

Hopefully some hair on his head.

But even that's not a deal breaker these days.

A nice smile.

Yeah, nice smile. Nice smile just might do it.

Wow, that was depressing.

I should just date women.

Tried it.

We're no picnic ourselves.

I don't mind being married to my career.

And I don't expect it to hold me in bed as I fall asleep.

I just don't want to settle.

You're young. Right now, you see settling as some sort of failure.

It is. By definition.

But by the time someone is right for you, it won't feel like settling.

The only person left to judge you will be the 23-year-old girl

with the target on your back.

So what's the plan for the evening?

Well, we're gonna hit that party for the tech conference at the hotel.

I didn't know you could attend those,

I thought you had to register.

-Technically, I don't think it's open to the public.

-..Just stop by.

You're gonna crash it?

They throw a nice party and they have a good time usually.

No, no, I get it. I'm in.

Jennifer Chu?

-Shit!

-It'll be fine.

HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS

Doing all right?

Yeah. This was a great idea.

You're so pretty.

You're exactly what I want to look like in 15 years.

Thank you, Natalie.

-We should dance.

-Come on.

-No, no, no.

Come on.

MUSIC: "Good Times" by Chic

Hi, I'm Dave.

I'm Natalie.

Who's Jennifer?

I don't know!

How's everybody doing out there?

CHEERING

Right about now, give it up for a very special Alpha TECH guest.

Young MC!

CHEERING

What's up, Alpha TECH?

I got a busted computer at home, can somebody fix it for me?

CROWD LAUGH

# This here's a jam for all the fellas

# Try to do what those ladies tell us

# Get shot down cause you're over-zealous

# Play hard to get females get jealous

# OK smartie, go to a party

# Girls are scantily clad to show her body

# Chick walks by you wish you could sex her

# But you're standin' on the wall like you was Poindexter

# Next days function high class luncheon

# Food is served and you're stone cold munchin'

# Music comes on people start to dance

# But then you ate so much you nearly split your pants

# Girl starts walkin' guys start gawkin'

# Sits down next to you and starts talkin'

# Said she want to dance cos she likes the groove

-# Come on fatso just -

-Bust a move!

-# Say, "Yeah!"

-# Yeah!

-# Say, "Oh, yeah!"

-# Oh, yeah!

-# Say, "Bust a move."

-# Bust a move.

-# Say, "Bust a move."

-# Bust a move.

-# Let me hear you say, "Yeah."

-# Yeah! #

I want you to have a key to my place.

Wow. I had no idea we were at that point in our relationship.

-Oh, yes.

-Wow.

Where is she?

# Lyin' in my bed

# I hear the clock tick And think of you

# Caught up in circles Confusion is nothing new

# Flashback to warm nights Almost left behind

# Suitcase of memories

# Time after Sometimes you picture me... #

Back home, I don't get to act the way I do with you.

-That's why I don't have a back home.

-I know.

You're so cool.

Mr Empty Backpack.

-You know about my backpack?

-I googled you.

-You did?

It's what us modern girls do when we have a crush.

-Did it bother you?

-It depends.

Is the bag empty because you hate people

or you hate the baggage that they come with?

I don't hate people, I'm not a hermit.

You just don't want to be tied down with the whole responsibility thing?

I don't know what originally sparked the backpack.

Probably needed to be alone.

Recently I've been thinking that I needed to empty the backpack

before I knew what to put back in it.

MUSIC STOPS/ENGINE DIES

< Think we're out of gas.

ALL GIGGLE

Hey. You're up.

I have to fly standby and make a meeting in Cincinnati.

Oh... OK.

Aw... I made you feel cheap.

That's all right, just leave the money on the dresser.

I'll text you later so we can swap schedules.

Hey. I really like you.

-I like you too.

-Good.

Go catch your plane.

Last night, er... it was kind of out of hand. I said things.

I'm not actually sure of everything that I said.

But I didn't want you to think -

Relax. It was nice to see you cut loose.

So, did you wake him up or slip out?

-What?

-This morning, your new friend.

Did you wake him up for an awkward goodbye or did you just slip out

and make him feel like a whore?

I just left.

Protocol's always tricky.

What happened to Alex?

She had to leave town early to get to a meeting.

-That's too bad. Where does she live?

-Chicago.

Thinking of going to see her?

We don't have that kind of relationship. Try right over there.

What, erm... kind of relationship do you have?

You know, casual.

Sounds pretty special.

It works for us.

Don't you think there's a future there?

I never really thought about it. What's going on?

-Really never thought about it?

-No.

How can you not think about that? How does it not even cross your mind

-that you might want a future with someone?

-Simple.

You know that moment when you look into somebody's eyes

and you can feel them staring into your soul and the whole world

-goes quiet just for a second?

-Yes.

Right. Well, I don't.

You're an asshole.

I'm just dicking around. C'mon, give me a hand.

-Don't you think it's worth giving her a chance?

-A chance to what?

A chance at something real.

Your definition of real is going to evolve as you get older.

Stop condescending, or is that a principle

of your bullshit philosophy?

Bullshit philosophy?

The isolation, the travelling, is that supposed to be charming?

It's a life choice.

It's a cocoon of self-banishment.

Wow. Big words.

Screw you.

Screw you too.

You have set up a way of life that makes it impossible for you

to have any human connection.

And now this woman comes along and somehow runs the gauntlet

of your ridiculous life choice

and comes out on the other end smiling just so you can call her casual?

I need to grow up? You're a 12-year-old!

I don't have a gauntlet of -

Fuck.

Listen.

These Detroit guys can be tough, so don't get distracted.

Stick with the simple stuff,

get these packets in their hand and get them out the door, OK?

Hey, welcome to Detroit.

What's going on here?

I've been looking at those great numbers,

I thought maybe we should just give this a try.

We could use a little more time.

You gotta leave the nest at some point.

This is a real company, Craig. We're here to do some damage.

I know, good thing we brought our best. Let's stop screwing around.

Just give me a minute to prepare and get my things together.

I was thinking Natalie could take this one.

She's hardly ready for that.

-I've been watching her results, she's great.

-This is a whole other animal.

You know she created it, right? Natalie. Are you not up for it?

-Yeah, I'm game.

-That's my girl.

Just remember, don't apologise, don't tell them how hard this is for you.

It's one of the worst days of their life.

-How we feel doesn't even compare.

-Got it.

Keep it professional, you'll be fine.

What's all this? What's going on?

Hello, Mr Samuels.

I wish I were here with better news.

However, your position here is no longer available.

What are you talking about?

You've been let go.

Just like that?

Who are you?

My name is Miss Keener.

I'm here today to talk about your options.

I worked for this company for 17 years

and they send a fourth grader to can me?

What the fuck is this?!

It's perfectly normal to be upset.

However, the sooner you can tell yourself greater opportunities -

Greater opportunities? I'm 57 fucking years old.

Anybody who ever built an empire or changed the world

sat where you are now.

And it's because they sat there that they were able to do it.

There's a packet in front of you.

I want you can take some time and review it.

All the answers you're looking for are inside those pages.

The sooner you trust the process,

the sooner the next step of your life will unveil itself.

HE SNIFFS

HE SOBS

I need you to go back to your office

and put together your personal things.

Mr Samuels, that's all we can discuss now.

Mr Samuels?

HE SOBS

Mr Samuels?

Mr Samuels!

You did good.

Are you OK? You want me to take over?

No, I'm all right.

No, look - We just got here.

That's one place. We need to try a few more.

Maybe it doesn't make a difference,

but it's comforting to know we're in the next room.

I know you don't give a shit about my comfort.

I think we could try a few more, that's all I'm saying.

Fine.

All right. OK. All right.

He thought you did a great job.

You did. I'm real proud of you.

Thanks.

They're pulling us off the road.

We're going home.

Really? For good?

Yeah.

Good job.

I'm sorry about what I said about Alex. That was out of line.

It's all right, I understand.

Who am I to be doling out relationship advice, right?

No kidding.

Are you gonna be OK?

-What do you mean?

-In Omaha?

Oh. I don't know.

It's better than you'd think.

Ryan.

Ryan, where are you going?

Grabbing another flight. Something I gotta take care of.

I'll see you back at, er, home.

OK, just walk it in a little.

A little more.

There you go.

Yeah.

Got it.

They're a cute couple.

-You think so?

-Yeah, they'll make cute kids.

How do you like Wisconsin in February?

I like it if you're there. I know a killer burger in Milwaukee.

Northern Wisconsin.

What are you doing this weekend?

No.

-What? I haven't -

-You want me to be your date?

-Yeah...

-At your sister's wedding?

It's not like I know her that well.

Look, I'm not the wedding type.

But for the first time in my life,

I don't want to be that guy alone at a bar.

I want a dance partner, I want a plus one.

If you can stomach it, I'd like it to be you.

Excuse me.

Are you available?

This line is for members of our Matterhorn programme.

Hey, Ryan.

-Hey.

-Kara. Hi.

Alex, this is my sister Kara.

-Hi.

-Well, hello.

Ryan's told me nothing about you.

So you two are dating?

Not exactly.

Don't worry about it, we're all getting a little old

to be calling someone girlfriend.

I remember when Mom used to call Jack her boyfriend,

God, drove me up the wall, boyfriends are for kids, right?

(CHUCKLES) What are you doing at the hotel?

Yeah, OK. Er... Frank and I are trying out a trial separation.

-I'm sorry. So you're not staying at the house?

-No, there was a room on hold here,

so I thought I'd take it for the weekend.

So, the rehearsal dinner -

Tonight. I'll see you two there.

Nice digs.

There's a packet.

Hey. Look who's here.

Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God, Ryan.

-Hey.

-You must be Alex.

-Yes, I am. Hi, how are you?

You are so beautiful.

Kara was right.

Gosh.

You look so grown up.

You're the one that's getting married.

I know, right?

Oh, you haven't even seen my ring.

-Look at that.

-Oh, it's lovely.

Jim designed it.

-Hey, Jim.

-Hey.

How's it going?

Hey, I'm Ryan.

Jim. Good to meet you.

-Alex.

-Pleasure.

-Pleasure.

Thank you guys for coming.

-Brother.

-(BOTH CHUCKLE)

-That's true.

-Yeah, it's crazy.

Er... I got the pictures you asked me to get.

You can just put them right there.

Yeah, OK.

You got so many up there, I almost didn't have room.

I know. It's so great, everyone just chipped in.

-What gave you the idea to do something so...

-Substantial?

Well, Jim has a lot of our nest-egg invested in

this real estate venture.

A real estate investment.

It's exciting, but we went over our finances and -

Honeymoon at this state in the game just doesn't really seem affordable.

So we just thought, just because we can't travel,

doesn't mean we can't have pictures.

-I think that's a fabulous idea.

-It's a good one.

The concept is turnkey everything.

You buy a maintenance contract when you get the home,

and we'll whack your weeds, change your lightbulbs,

furniture - bring your own or pick one of our beautiful packages.

Seamless traditionalism, yet all the perks.

Nice.

We all need a place to call our own.

This is America, this is what we were promised.

-That's a nice touch.

-What?

The bit on the end about the promise, I like that part.

Oh, thanks. You, er...

You still renting that one-bedroom?

No, I gave it up.

-So you own now?

-No.

But you're looking?

No, not really.

So you're just good?

I'm good.

That's good.

Can you believe it's tomorrow? How are you gonna sleep?

I don't know.

Do you want some Xanax?

I don't think that's for sleeping.

Yeah... No, I think I'll just have a glass of warm milk.

That'll do the trick.

-Take care.

-OK.

-Bye.

-Bye.

There's another box inside.

-I'll grab it.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-Jim seems like a good guy.

-Yeah, isn't he great?

He's gonna make a great husband.

Julie, I was thinking, with Dad not being here...

I was wondering if you have anybody to walk you down the aisle?

Yeah, erm...

-No, Jim's uncle is gonna do it.

-He's been really supportive.

He's been great.

That's great, I just wanted to make sure...

I wanted you to be covered, that's all.

So, I should be there, what, er...?

The guests are arriving around five

-and things get going at 5.30 so... around then.

-OK.

Oh. I'll help you with those.

Got it.

(It's OK. It's OK.)

-None of that was here.

-Uh-huh.

This is all new.

Really?

-Is that all you got?

-What?

Give me a boost.

Watch -

Hang on.

I took geography in here.

You ever fool around with one of your teachers?

-No, did you?

-No, not until college.

That's me on the right.

-It's kind of hard to tell.

-You can tell by the eyebrows.

You played basketball?

I was a point guard. Don't act so surprised.

I didn't know you were such a jock.

That's me too.

And that.

My first fight.

-How did it go?

-Got my ass kicked.

This is where we used to go to make out.

Oh, yes. Yeah, this is very romantic.

Go, Cougars!

I'm really happy I came here.

So am I.

MOBILE RINGS

Kara. Hey.

(Ryan, where are you? We're having a meltdown here.)

What's going on? What happened?

(It's Jim, we need your help.)

OK.

We gotta go.

I'll grab your suit.

Thanks.

-What happened?

-Jim's got cold feet.

Today?

Yeah, that's how cold feet work.

-What do you want me to do?

-Talk to him.

-You want me to talk to him?

-Hey, it's either you or me.

You know my record, I've already struck out once.

I haven't been to bat. Haven't been in the dugout.

Don't you talk for a living? Motivational stuff?

About how to avoid commitment.

What kind of fucked up message is that?

-It's a philosophy.

-It's stupid.

It could have helped you.

Ryan, you haven't been around much.

Fuck, basically you don't exist to us.

I know you want to be there for her.

Well, here it is.

This is your chance.

Hey, what's up, Ryan?

Jim.

You ever read this before?

Yeah, it's pretty powerful stuff.

Yeah, I'll say.

Kara mentioned that you were having some thoughts.

I don't think I'll be able to do this.

And why would you say that today?

Last night I was laying in bed and I couldn't get to sleep

so I started thinking about the wedding and the ceremony

and about how we're buying a house and moving in together

and having a kid and then having another kid

and then Christmas and Thanksgiving and Spring Break

and going to football games and they're graduating,

getting jobs and getting married and I'm a grandparent.

Then I'm retired, losing my hair, getting fat,

and the next thing you know, I'm dead.

I'm just like, I can't stop thinking what's the point?

What is the point?

The point?

Yeah, what am I starting here?

Jim, it's marriage.

It's one of the most beautiful things on earth.

It's what people aspire to.

-You never got married.

-That's true.

-You never even tried.

-It's hard to define try.

I don't know, you seem happier than all my married friends.

Jim, I'm not gonna lie to you, marriage can be a pain in the ass.

And you're kind of right,

-this all is just stuff that leads to your eventual demise.

-Yes.

We're all on running clocks and they can't be slowed down or paused,

-we all end up in the same place.

-Yeah.