Anything but Christmas

-This time you're going to lose.

-You think?

-Are you ready?

Get set.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Aargh! Aargh! Aargh!

You again. Every time. You win. I unload.

It's OK. I'll help.

-It's getting cold.

-Yeah.

Do you think it's going to snow for Christmas?

Er, yeah, I don't know. I'll get that later.

-Are you going to dress up as Santa?

-NO!

I mean, I'm not so good at...

Dad always used to. He used to love Christmas, but not as much as Mom.

Huh.

-Not fair. I can't grab you.

-I just want you for your groceries.

-Mom's crazy about Christmas.

-Hey! You know the deal.

We don't talk about it until December.

-On the counter, please.

-Me or the groceries?

It's December tomorrow and then just 25 days.

-Can John be Santa?

-No way!

-I mean, that is just like so dumb.

-Playing Santa's dumb?

I didn't say that. I just...

I got more stuff to get.

Did I say the wrong thing?

I told him that Dad used to dress up as Santa.

No, honey, talking about your dad is never wrong.

John is just, he's a writer.

He's got all these things buzzing around in his head.

-That's why he falls down a lot.

-And drops stuff.

-And trips over the front step.

-No, he just does that to let me win.

Oh, you think so, huh?

Jacket. Yeah, so he's in, huh?

We have decided that you would look good as Santa.

Nobody looks good as Santa.

Grown men dressed in red coats and white fluff and stupid boots

and that ridiculous hat.

I mean, what's attractive about a bright red nose?

Why do we do it year after year and it's everywhere, like,

on every street corner?

It's like a plague of fat red men with rosacea.

THEY LAUGH

-You're funny.

-Yeah.

Oh, hey, I put a surprise in the closet for Zach,

and be careful how you joke about Christmas.

-We take it seriously.

-Why?

-Why?!

Because it's like the biggest thing that happened when I was a kid.

-Wasn't it for you?

-Yeah, it was...big.

And I also like to make it extra specially huge for Zach, you know.

-Make up for...

-For his dad not being here.

Yeah.

But you're going to be here

and that makes me very happy.

-I love you.

-Good.

-Hey.

-OK, John's first Christmas. Do you think he'll fit in?

-Sure, but we're not supposed to talk about it.

-Oh, that's right, my bad.

Until tomorrow, when we can.

Oh, yeah, because it'll be December,

the month of you-know-what.

Uh-huh, yeah, funky chicken.

Oh! Yeah, good times.

Woo-hoo! Yeah. Oh... Right...

'HO! HO! HO! Merry Christmas!'

Oh! Oh...

Morning, Faith. How are you?

Yeah, the apartment is a nightmare.

The kids upstairs, the home improvement downstairs.

I have complained repeatedly.

It's actually a wonder that I get any sleep at all. Can you take that?

-Take that away, no! I'm allergic.

-To what? Christmas?

-Yeah.

-No, er, tinsel. That attracts dust.

-Right, OK, yeah. OK.

-Oh!

-Ah.

-That is really...

-What is the matter with you?

This is for the top of the tree. Grace is going to love this. It's...

-Is that coffee? Is there coffee on?

-Is that really a good idea?

-Are you being judgmental?

-OK, I'll get you some coffee.

Oh, no, you won't because you don't know how I take it.

Nobody actually understands how I take it.

It's the same old problem which is why I'm now going to have

to stop what I'm doing and go and get it myself.

-OK, OK, calm down.

-Nobody tells me to calm down!

Bad day, huh?

-You're really going to pretend to be interested in my day?

-Faith, I try.

-Well, why bother?

-Because I love your sister.

-Is that official?

Are you part of the furniture now? Because if you are, you should

probably know that we always have the perfect family Christmas.

It's a madhouse.

She invites anybody, waifs, strays, the broke, the homeless,

complete strangers, total losers.

She really makes such a big deal out of it.

-Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that.

-Yeah.

-Like, how...

Aunt Faith. Charlie Smythe is here.

Oh, no. No, no-no, no-no. I cannot stand that man.

You're actually an improvement on that man.

Zach, honey, can you tell your mother that I say hello

and ask her to give me my blue jacket back?

She's always taking my things and I'm never getting them back

and it's really annoying.

SHE TAILS OFF

Faith, darling!

Oh, I've got to go, Charlie. Oh, next time.

-Oh, that's a shame.

-Never.

-Zachary, dear boy, where is your lovely mother?

-I'll go get her.

So, er...

-John, isn't it?

-Hmm.

-Where are you living now?

-I've been living here for three months.

-Why does that always surprise you?

-Yes, yes, yes, of course.

And how's business? Journalist, aren't you?

-A novelist, and, no, I'm not published.

-Oh, I see.

-Yes.

Gracey-pacey, pudding-and-pie, you look good enough to eat.

-Ah, it's the coat. Faith was here. She's looking for it.

-I know. I hid.

Well, it makes you look very sexy. Doesn't it, Zach?

Charlie, it is so good to see you

but we're actually getting ready to leave.

Just popped in to tell you I have a load of Christmas trees.

Saving the biggest one for you, just like always.

So sweet, Charlie, but the tree is actually John's department now

and he has already chosen one.

I have? Yes, I have and it's... it's a really big one.

That's a shame. I have a whole plantation.

Just bought a few more acres of woodland for the estate.

Can I ask, Charlie, are you rich or very rich?

Stinking rich, actually. Inherited most of it, but you know how it is.

You get money, you have money, you have money, you get money.

You get the girls too. They love all that.

I got the girl and my tree, it's big enough...

Charlie, you know, we really are in a rush so...

Oh, right-o, but Gracie-pie, you simply must come by for tea.

Juliet is redecorating the guest wing. She needs your advice.

-I would love to, Charlie. OK, bye.

-Cheerio!

Oh!

-Is that a wig?

-I never got close enough to find out.

-So, did you really get a tree?

-Of course not.

Ah, well, you'd better hurry or I might just have to get Charlie's.

-MIMICS CHARLIE:

-Yes, Gracie-pie.

-I got to ask, that guy, I mean, how did you...

-Oh, I know, yes.

Um, it was a year after Jose died and I needed a break

so he took Zach and I on a vacation.

I actually could have been his third wife.

-You would have been stinking rich.

-Especially after the divorce.

Yeah, Charlie's a hopeless case.

He'll never find the right woman. So, are you ready?

-We really are going somewhere.

-Where?

-Well...

-..it is the 30th and we thought you might want to join us.

-Oh.

-Grandma!

-Zachary, come give me a hug.

-You brought him.

-Good afternoon, Mrs Rodriguez.

-Is that all right?

-Of course.

-Good afternoon, Mr Brooking. Zachary, why don't you show him?

-OK.

Come on.

Is this a good idea?

It was Zachary's idea, which makes it a good one.

Do you really not like him or do you just pretend not to?

No-one is going to take the place of Jose in my heart,

but it's not about me and it's not about you. It's about Zachary.

He needs a man to look up to and John is kind and caring

and they like each other a lot.

Well, I suppose he's better than Charlie.

They gave my dad a special stone. He was a doctor in Africa.

He was treating refugees.

'In memory of Dr Jose Rodriguez

'who gave his life that others might live.'

Yeah. Some soldiers attacked the hospital he was working at.

He could have escaped but he stayed with his patients.

-He saved their lives.

-He was a hero.

-Yeah.

And every week he was away he sent me a video.

I always play one here.

'Hey, Zachary, how ya doing?

'It's a couple of weeks till Christmas. Are you excited?

'Thomas, come say hello to my boy.'

That's Sergeant Thomas.

He did security at the hospital he was working at.

He's my dad's best friend.

'Hey, your dad's doing an amazing job.

'People all love him out here, man. You should be real proud.'

I guess it helps Mom after...

-he died.

-It's an honour, Zach.

It's an honour to be here with you and your dad.

-Are you and Mom going to get married?

-What? Er...

I don't know. What would he say about that?

'Your mom is the best woman in the world

'and all I want for Christmas is for her to be happy.

'You too, son. I love you both so much.'

I think he'd like you. I do. Grandma says I'm a lot like him.

Can you take me to the toy store after this?

I need to make a Christmas list.

-Sure. Let's do that.

-Excellent.

Thank you for bringing me here. Is she OK with it?

Oh, nothing I can't handle.

I've asked her to stay for Christmas and I'm inviting Faith too.

-I hope that's OK.

-Sure, my two best friends.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS

The first Santa of the season is always a bit of a shock, eh?

Come on. Look, there's an elf!

OK, Zach, you go in and get started on your wish list.

-I'll be right behind, OK?

-OK.

Come on, John.

Hurry!

CHRISTMAS MUSIC WARPS

ANGRY VOICES IN HIS HEAD

-MAN:

-'Why not? You seem to enjoy it so much!'

-WOMAN:

-'Don't you walk away from me when I'm talking to you!'

Aargh!

All right, OK, back off. I'm going in.

Ah, first Christmas card.

You know, this is your house. You can do exactly what you want.

Yes, John is staying here.

It is our first Christmas together

and you know how important that is to me.

-Isn't that what you wanted to ask?

-Actually, no.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, this is Grace.

Oh, you have?

Say that again. Oh, OK.

Er...

Yes, can I call you back?

OK, thank you.

Sorry about that.

I was going to say,

why don't you take it a little easier this Christmas?

You always get so anxious about it. I mean, I understand why, but...

Grace, what's wrong?

N-nothing. Nothing is wrong.

You don't have to tell me but don't lie to me.

Hi, Mom, Grandma. Got the list.

-Going to go upstairs and make copies of it.

-Good idea, honey.

-Is he gone?

-Yes. How did it go at the store?

-It was a nightmare.

A recurring one, but I managed to sneak these into the car

when he wasn't looking.

This one's a Zykline Tri-Blaster.

-You got him a gun? That's not what Christmas is about.

-He's a kid.

He doesn't know what it's about. I don't even know what it's about.

OK, would you stop saying things like that. It's not a joke any more.

No, it's not. That's what I've been trying to...

Grace, I've got like this serious problem with the seasonal,

festive, Noel, yuletide thing.

So serious that I think I'm maybe going to go away for the holidays.

-What?

-I got all this work to do and I'm not good here.

Now you listen to me.

In this house, there is nothing more important than Christmas.

Absolutely nothing.

It is a totally and completely wonderful time

and you do not have the option of thinking otherwise.

From now until Christmas, this is happy house

and everybody in it is going to be very, very happy and I don't

want to hear any more whining from you, not even for one second.

-Do you understand me?

-Grace. Please?

Sweetheart. Honey.

-You're an idiot.

-You're not usually so blunt.

What is it about December 25th?

It's like we all want it to be perfect and then when it's not,

it's like the whole world collapses in complete chaos.

It's ridiculous.

Is there something going on here,

like some secret I should know about?

YOU are the one with secrets.

-You prefer to spend Christmas with your parents?

-No, no way.

Why not? Are they in jail?

All this time you have been fooling around with my daughter-in-law,

how come she never met your parents, huh?

And how come you hate Christmas?

It seems ridiculous to me.

YOU are the one with secrets.

Yes, but you said this was a routine blood test.

I didn't think pregnancy was a part of routine.

All right, is there any chance it could be a false positive?

OK.

No, yes, congratulations to me.

OK.

Thank you.

SHE SIGHS

-You sure you're not overdoing it?

-Ha-ha, not funny.

Christmas gets closer every day and we have so much to do.

-Did you get the tree?

-Yeah, it's huge. I could have been pulled over.

Get the saw, cut the bottom off. We use the long branches for decorations

-and the short ones for wreaths.

-Wait, you already have a tree.

No, that's the fake one. In the shed, we have a tinsel one.

You need to get that one out.

Then upstairs in the attic we have the sparkly one.

Zach can help you with that, and we have ornaments up there too.

And then down in the garage, we have the sleigh, the crib

and the lawn inflatables.

Priorities, we do all the inside lights first

and then the outside lights last.

Right.

-Get the saw.

-Right.

-Ah, it's too big, it's too big!

-All right, well then trim it.

-What's wrong with your hands?

-The sap is sticking to my hands.

-I'm getting a rash from the needles.

-OK, OK, OK, OK.

Put some gloves on and then get the base out of the shed.

-Did you order the turkey?

-No, I'm going to do that...

No, no, no, no, no, the big ones always go first.

-OK, never mind, I'll do it myself.

-The big ones?

-Those cost a lot of money.

-This is Christmas.

-We don't think about money.

-Huh, seems like...

Hush it and keep it hushed!

I don't want to hear one of your jokes right now.

-I wasn't making a joke, I was...

-HUSH!

I wasn't making a joke.

'The tinsel one, you need to get that out.

'Then upstairs in the attic we have the sparkly one.

'Zach can help you with that. Oh, and we have ornaments up there too.

'Then down in the garage, we have the sleigh,

'the crib and the lawn inflatables...'

-I don't believe it.

-I know. Isn't it great?

There are the outdoor lights. Where are the indoor ones?

Oh...

-Oh, careful with that one. It's a Christmas village.

-What?

We put it round the base of a tree.

HE SNEEZES

Careful, don't drop it!

Zach, look what I got you. Something special this year.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

HE SCREAMS

What's the matter with you? Come on, you're wasting time. Chop chop!

Well, you lost a few decorations

but we found the lights.

-Grace, what is wrong with you?

-You.

-What is wrong with YOU?

-Nothing.

Actually, there is something wrong.

The whole seasonal festive, Noel, yuletide thing.

My shrink says that I have a phobia with Ch...

SHE CHOPS LOUDLY

He says that I should be taking a holiday from the holiday.

I know that sounds weird,

and I thought that maybe this year I could cope...

CHOPS LOUDLY

Did you say something?

-Are you sure you wired it right?

-There's a wrong way?! They're fine.

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

Oh, now it's ruined!

-John, I need you to focus. We are behind schedule.

-Schedule?

-Yes.

What is wrong with you? Most people would enjoy all of this.

-I haven't said a word.

-You don't have to.

-I can hear what you're thinking.

-Then cover your ears.

You know, YOU need to get with the spirit of Christmas.

Either hush up and suck it up or get out and don't come back.

-What did you just say?

-I knew it!

I knew that you didn't understand what Christmas was all about.

Oh, yeah, I do.

It's about usually sensible people turning into complete idiots.

It's about insane extravagance, consumer madness

and the mindless pursuit of tasteless garbage.

All it does is break up families, spike the suicide rate,

give heart attacks to people from stress and hernias from carrying

really big gifts to ungrateful kids

who just wind up wailing anyway because they want more.

You know what? I hate Santa Claus and I hate elves,

and I hate reindeer, and I hate Jingle Bells,

and I hate baubles, and I hate tinsel and I hate ticky-tacky!

And if you can't see that that's what all this nonsense is about

then you're not the person I thought you were

and I don't want to live in this house for one minute longer!

-Where are you going?

-Staying with my parents would be better than this.

Oh, so they do exist?

-Is John leaving?

-We had an argument like adults do.

I think maybe I've been a little snappy. Maybe pushed him too hard.

-But he'll be back for Christmas, won't he?

-I don't think he likes it.

I thought it was just a joke.

I mean, who doesn't like Christmas?

Come on.

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

DOOR!

I'm not deaf!

-Why do YOU never get the door?

-Because I'm busy.

What else do you have to do? It's not going to be one of my friends, is it?

Well, that's for sure.

SHE CACKLES

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'm coming, I'm coming!

-John?!

-Hiya, Mom.

Harry, it's John.

-So, what's wrong?

-Something has to be wrong? Can I come in or not?

Of course you can, of course you can.

Don't listen to your father.

He never did before. Why start now?

We weren't expecting you, especially not this time of year.

I hear you're living with some Hispanic woman - Rodriguez.

-It's her married name.

-She's a married Hispanic woman?

-Please.

-I got nothing against Hispanics.

No, it's just women you hate.

Doesn't matter anyway because I just left her

and I left my wallet there too.

Maybe I could borrow 100 bucks and stay at a motel?

-So, you still haven't sold your novel?

-I have to finish it first.

I was hoping maybe I can work on it here.

-HE MUTTERS: No, no, no, no.

-Of course you can. Use your old room.

He's in the house for 30 seconds. Why can't you leave him alone?

If you hadn't left him alone for so long

he might have made something of himself.

What, like you did?!

Dinner's at eight, John, if your mother can be bothered to cook it.

When did I ever NOT cook it?

How much help do I get from you, huh? Huh?

-Charlene?

-Are you going to turn into a frog now?

-What are you doing here?

-They called me over.

I guess they thought you might be needing me now you're single again.

-Huh, I see. Um, well...

-Well, fortunately, I am too. Single.

-I dumped the jerk. How's it coming?

-It's OK. It's coming OK.

Yeah, well, I know you never could work over Christmas.

I always understood that.

-Well, come on, it's dinner time.

-No, it's really late!

It's always late! When I eat late I don't sleep well.

She knows it. It's good to see you, Charlene. I'm sorry about your man.

Oh, it's no loss. I wanted marriage, he didn't.

I wanted babies, he didn't. End of story.

-Isn't that why you broke up with John?

-Mom!

You want babies with HIM?

Dad!

Well, it's about time you did. A man your age...

Oh, Mr Brooking, I'm sure you sowed

a few wild oats in your days before you met this lovely lady.

Not just before.

What is that supposed to mean?

Is there someone coming up the drive?

-What kind of damn fool comes visiting at this time of night?

-I'll check.

Mm!

Oh, no.

It can't be. It's...

It's...

-Charlene.

-It's not me, honey, I'm already here.

-No, you can't be here.

It's Grace. It's my girlfriend. She can't see you here.

-You've got to go right now.

-I beg your pardon?

-She can't see you!

-You're asking Charlene to leave because your ex is coming...?

-Please!

She wouldn't understand! Please, I'll do anything.

-Let's go, let's go.

-All right!

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, no.

-All right, I'll go!

-No, no, not that way!

This way, out the back door. I'll make this up to you, I promise.

Wait a minute, Charlene. Tom broke up with this woman.

-Stay right where you are.

-No, it's fine. Back door.

Tomorrow morning, you make it up to me. Meet me in the garage.

Sure, whatever. Go, go.

DOORBELL RINGS

-You mind telling me why you're doing this?

-Because I love her, OK?

Grace. Hi.

-John?

-Come in.

-That's my father Harry and that's my mother Agnes.

-How do you do?

How did you know where to come find me?

-Charlie Smythe, he used to know you, Mr Brooking.

-Mm-hm?

And you're just on the other side of town and...

you left your phone and your wallet. And I've packed your things.

They're in my car if you want to come and get them.

No, no! I want you to stay! I want you to stay...the night. Yeah!

Why don't you say the night? Mom, can Grace stay the night?

Sure. She can use your room. You move into the office.

-It's OK, Mom, Grace and I can share a room.

-No, you can't.

This is an old-fashioned kind of house.

Separate bedrooms, if you don't mind.

Of course.

If it's good enough for your father...

it's good enough for you.

I'll call Emilia,

-have her take care of Zach.

-Later -

dinner is getting cold.

Come in. Sit down.

-There's a place already set!

-Yeah, they always do that.

We used to have a maid, but he argues with them all, so...

I get to do the cooking.

Well, if you weren't so damn lazy

we wouldn't need a maid in the first place.

I hope it's not cold.

It always is.

Charlie says that you were in politics.

For a while.

Waste of time.

You were one who wasted it.

I would have been fine with a little support.

I thought that's why you had all those 19-year-old interns

with the short skirts.

GLASS SMASHES

There goes another one! Can we just have a truce during dinner?

So are you in business now, Mr Brooking? Lawyer.

My father's company.

I hate it.

You hated him.

It's natural to hate your father.

That's why I got out.

-I got elected, too.

-For a while.

He never gets along with anybody. So now he's...

trapped in the family business.

At least it pays for John's fancy college.

Lot of use that was. You know...he never had a job.

He worked at the publisher's.

-They went broke.

-Then at the library.

-That wasn't a job!

-This is...lovely. Thank you, Mrs Brooking.

No, it's not. She's a lousy cook.

I would offer you wine, but he's even worse when he's drunk.

Funny.

If this is a serious thing you have with my son,

how come we've never met you?

-Oh... I thought he was ashamed of me.

-No.

No.

He's ashamed of us.

Always has been.

Anyone bring a saw?

-AGNES: What are you looking for?!

-What?

-What are you looking for?!

None of your business!

AGNES: I know what it is.

What an evening.

It's my dad's pyjamas.

It's so cold in this place. In every way.

They're trapped in it, aren't they? Must be awful for them.

-They can't escape it.

-That's why I had to.

It's just the worst time of year.

John, about...

..my behaviour lately...

It's not just that I go nuts over Christmas...

-..I found out...

-No, don't apologise! I'm the one with the problem.

And you don't know the half of it.

Every year, my father would dress up in a Santa Claus suit for a week.

He thought it was funny.

And then he'd get drunk, and the drunker he got, the meaner he got.

-When I was 13 I ran away from home.

-But you came back.

No, I stayed with friends and relatives but, every year,

in the holidays, they insisted I come back.

And I dreaded it. It was like a punishment.

The fighting, the arguing and...

the slamming doors and the smashing china...

So ever since then, I've had, like, this phobia about...

..about, um...about Xmas.

Oh, my gosh!

You can't even say it!

-I understand.

-You do?

-Yeah.

So, you know what? Let's...

get some rest and we'll talk about this tomorrow.

-Work it out.

-OK.

-I think.

-I think so too.

Good night.

Good night.

DOOR RATTLES LOUDLY

I'd do anything for you, Grace. Anything but...

Anything but Christmas.

SHE SIGHS

KNOCKING

Nn-nn!

PANICKY BREATHING

It's you!

Yeah. It's my house.

HE CHUCKLES

Ah!

Charlene...

-This is really...really awkward.

-No, it's just like old times.

It's like an ice box in here.

-Remember how we use to steam up those windows?

-Charlene...

-Let me keep you warm.

-You have to go.

-Why, did you make out?

No, no, not exactly...

Charlene, I've always thought of you as just this really,

really great friend.

-We were a lot more than that.

-Yeah, and I like you, you know?

I really like you, but...

Good morning, Mr Brooking.

-Are you going?

-Yes.

-Is...he leaving with you?

-I don't know.

You love him or...what?

I don't mean to be disrespectful, but that is not your business.

Ah, well, it is disrespectful.

He's in the garage, out the kitchen.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

John, I understand. You're terrified of commitment.

With a family like this, who wouldn't be?

Yeah, but I thought maybe there was this chance

if I could just get over this whole...

Xmas thing...

Well, why don't you just... come stay with me for a little bit?

We can work things out.

I'm going to work things out with Grace.

Aaaagh!

-Aaaagh!

-Oh, no! Quick, take it off! Take them off!

-Haaa!

-Whoo!

THEY PANT AND GASP

No! Oh, no!

No! No!

-I was getting into this!

-No! No! Grace!

No! Stop!

Uhhh!

What is wrong with you?!

Well, I thought you were going to freeze to death!

-DOOR SLAMS

-Oh...

Goodbye, Mr Brooking.

Er, Grace...

Grace?

Grace!

She went upstairs.

HE CHUCKLES

Grace!

Mom!

Grace?

No! Grace!

HE GRUNTS

Mom!

What the...?

Grace!

Grace? Grace!

Grace, it's not what you think.

At least I know now why don't want to spend your time with us.

You're not going to believe this...

You're a writer, John, you'll come up with a great story.

I wouldn't believe it either, but...

It wasn't going to work anyway. Anything but Christmas?

Christmas is everything.

And a relationship that doesn't understand that isn't worth having.

You won't see Zach or me ever again.

I won't take your calls,

and if you come to the house I'll have you arrested.

CAR DOOR SLAMS, ENGINE STARTS

Ohhh... We'll get over this, John.

Now we can get back to doing what we used to do.

We can go hiking or sailing or mountaineering.

We can go on a vacation to Saudi Arabia.

They don't do Christmas there, why should we? Right?

DOOR SLAMS

BEEPING

-Zach!

-Hi, John. Everything OK?

-Er, no.

Actually, your mom and I had a bit of a misunderstanding

and I'm not supposed to see her any more and I'm not supposed to come

and see you, but...she didn't say anything about the internet.

So I thought maybe, I don't know, you could... I've got to see her.

I have to explain things to her.

-Sounds like you need an intermediate.

-A what?

-What is it, a meditator?

-Mediator?

-Yeah, I'll go get Grandma.

-Oh, no, no. We don't want to bother her.

-OK, what about Aunt Faith?

-She's here to stay.

-I don't think that's a good idea either.

I'm home.

Mom's home. Got to go. Call you later. It's OK, I have a plan.

Zach?

BEEP

Aunt Faith, can you please take me to the mall later?

-I want to get a Christmas present for Mom.

-Good idea. So do I.

There.

SHE SIGHS

How was it?

Oh...

Everything is going to be fine, Zach.

Mom, you don't need to protect me.

I like John a lot, but if you don't, I understand.

Don't you want a father, brothers and sisters? A real family?

Only if it makes you happy.

As long as we're all together for Christmas,

everything will just be fine.

Your grandson is amazing.

No, it's none of my business,

but are you sure you want to lose this guy?

Oh! So... How did it go?

Done. It's over.

Oh, good.

Sorry, bad... But it's good, really.

I drove him away. He doesn't do Christmas.

Maybe you do it too much.

-You know why that is.

-But he doesn't.

-Why don't...?

He has another woman, OK?

Oh...no...

Well, that settles it. I was actually beginning to like him.

I've actually never met a man that I liked, including him.

-But I never figured him for a womaniser.

-Faith...

-Yeah?

-..I'm pregnant.

-What?

Oh, that's wonderful! Oh, my God. No, it's not. It's terrible.

Is it his? Yeah, sorry, no, of course it's his. But...

does he know? No, of course. Why would you tell him?

I was going to tell him as a Christmas present.

-Now I'm going to have two kids without a father.

-Well, that's...

OK... I mean, honestly,

what kind of father would he have been anyway, right?

He would have been a wonderful father.

Yes, that would be right, he would have been a good father. But...

-what kind of husband would he have been?

-Faith, just be quiet.

Don't tell me to be quiet. Nobody tells me to be quiet!

I apologise.

Goodness...

OK. Do you actually love this idiot?

-I thought so.

-Well then, he is an idiot.

I mean, doesn't he know that?

-I never told him.

-You...

I just couldn't bring myself to say it after Jose.

-Maybe that's why he went elsewhere.

-Grace, just...tell him.

Tell him about the thing.

What, and then he leaves this other woman because I am

pregnant, and then he leaves me after he's done feeling guilty?

No.

No. It's over.

Come on, Zachary, let's go.

-I'll meet you at the car, Aunt Faith, just a couple of minutes.

-OK.

Target approaching intersect. Target approaching intersect, over.

Great, thanks for this, Zach, over.

Target in position, execute.

-Faith!

-Argh!

Faith, I know we haven't always got on but I want you to know...

-Get away from me, go away.

-Are you having a baby?

-No, my sis...

-My nephew, my nephew is having a baby.

-Zach is nine years old.

I've got another one, a secret one in Australia.

How dare you approach me.

Get away from me right now, go back to your fancy woman.

Faith, there is no fanc...

There is nothing you have to say that I want to hear.

Zachary! Get in now!

Put your seat belt on.

Baby booties?!

Faith, get out of the car.

HORN HONKS

-Now, you listen to me!

-Is Grace having a baby?

-No!

-I did not tell you that, absolutely not.

-I'm coming home right now.

-No!

Look, if you go back to her now,

she's never really going to believe that you want to.

She's going to think it's because of the...the thing.

If she knows that you know, she's never going to really know.

I mean, do you know that?

HORN HONKS

And she will kill me if she thinks that I told you.

You say anything and I am going to kill you after she kills me,

you got it?

HORNS HONK

And another thing.

How dare you take up with another woman! After all she's been through.

You creep, just stay away.

Zachary, get in the car!

TYRES SCREECH

Are you going to come in? Baked some cookies.

I've ruined everything. My whole life.

I'm heading for misery just like them in there.

Not with me, you would not be. John, I just...

I do not want to spend another Christmas all alone.

I love her.

I bet she loved me.

-Did she tell you that?

-No. She never...

So, she doesn't.

-If she did, she would say something, why wouldn't she?

-She's pregnant.

Grace is pregnant.

I love her, she's having my baby, and I can't even talk to her.

Oh.

I did not know that.

I guess I did a bad thing.

-You really love her?

-Completely.

OK.

OK.

Well, then, come on, pick yourself up,

you'd be crazy to let yourself go, and even crazier to let her go.

John, if you want to get her back...

you are going to have to do anything.

Anything!

Even Christmas.

-Mrs Rodriguez?

-Oh!

Emelia.

You louse, get away from here or she'll get a restraining order.

I'm not having an affair.

A pervert like you is probably having two or three.

I love Grace, Mrs Rodriguez. I know you do not want to believe that.

The thought of it makes me sick.

OK, yeah, I'm a little weird because I don't do the whole seasonal, Noel,

festive, yuletide events and otherwise none of this would

have happened, but I need her, and she doesn't need me,

but your grandson, he needs a father and I love them both.

Can you help me? I've just got to talk to her.

You want me to ask her to talk to you.

-You are my last hope.

-Then you must be desperate.

I am.

Can't you see I am?

I can't help you.

When my son died, she grieved.

But...

I didn't grieve, I was too angry.

I even said some terrible things, blamed her.

She never rejected me because I was Zachary's grandma

but now she won't listen to a word I say, and with good reason.

She won't even let me get near her.

-She'll be at the cemetery.

-No, she won't.

She only goes there on the last day of the month.

Today is the 21st of December.

She will be there.

Sergeant Thomas?

It's just Thomas now.

-Do I know you?

-I saw you in the video with Jose.

Well...

any friend of Jose's is a friend of mine. What is your name?

John Brooking.

Nice to meet you, John.

-I was hoping to find Grace here.

-She will be.

See you at the grave.

I had to leave him.

The hospital was almost surrounded.

Took the nurses and the patients who could walk,

but he would not abandon the rest.

We barricaded the doors...

..and the rebels broke through just as we got back.

Shot them before running away. They say it was patients but...

How do you know Jose?

I never actually met him.

-What?

-It's Grace I know.

I don't know why she never mentioned the grave.

Why doesn't Zach come here?

You don't know about that? Does Grace even know you are here?

We got into an argument and I am not allowed in the house

but I really have to talk to her.

Let me get this straight.

-Are you stalking my best friend's widow?

-I have to see her.

-Does she want to see you?

-No, I don't think so.

Well then, I suggest you get your ass up out of here.

No, look, no, I am not a stalker, no, I love her.

She's coming. Take cover over there, I'll talk with her.

If she wants to see you, fine. If not,

I am going to pick you up and throw you a very long way.

Now go.

-Grace.

-Tom!

-So good to see you.

Can't believe it's been a year since we were here.

And you drive six hours to be here.

And three years since we were first here. Does time heal?

A little.

Grief can be hard to let go.

It's true, that. How is my man Zachary doing?

-Oh, he is so good.

-Great kid.

-Are you seeing anyone?

-No, single.

I haven't found Miss Right...yet.

-How about you?

-There was someone.

But I am not looking to fill his old shoes.

Thomas...there is someone hiding behind that truck.

Yes, there is.

Hey, cupcake, she wants to talk to you.

Can't imagine why.

-I owe you an explanation.

-You don't owe me anything.

I have never brought Zach here, not yet.

I didn't want him to find out.

Jose was shot on December 15. I found out the same day.

But he didn't die...

..until six days later, on December 21.

Zach was looking so forward to Christmas, I didn't want to ruin it

and every other Christmas in his life by telling him.

So I kept it a secret from him, Faith, even Emelia.

I told them that Jose was in the bush, unable to be contacted.

And I just spent Christmas smiling, pretending.

That must have been hell.

They brought Jose's body back on December 30.

And that's when I had to tell them.

You and I are not so different.

For you, Christmas is about arguments and bitterness.

For me, it is about grief and despair.

You escape it, deny it, and I am desperate to celebrate every moment,

make everything OK so that maybe Zach won't miss his dad so much.

-Grace, I love you.

-John, please.

I don't want to hear. I can't love you.

I can't love any man.

-And a man who can't do Christmas, there's just no way.

-Maybe I could.

Maybe I could get over this phobia thing.

Maybe then I could be with you and Zach.

It worked for that guy in the Dickens' book,

-the guy with the humbug.

-Scrooge?

Yes! Right? He got another chance.

He looked at the mistakes of his past, he saw his future.

Please?

Look, even if we're not going to be together any more,

could I at least come for the holidays with you

and Zach? I love that kid and I think he likes me, right?

-He misses you.

-I'll just be a house guest.

Please?

If you can really do Christmas...

you can come.

-And then after the holiday, you will leave.

-Thank you.

Now go. I want to be alone.

SHE SIGHS

-SANTA MODEL:

-'Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!'

Gracie-pacey...

Oh...

I thought you and Grace had broken up.

-And you came right over to get some pudding and pie?

-No, not exactly.

You see, I broke up too, with Juliet, so Grace invited me

-to stay for Christmas.

-You're staying here?

You know how generous Grace is. She is being kind to the ex-boyfriend.

You are not the ex. I am the ex. You are the ex-ex.

As long as we get that, we are going to get along fine, OK, buddy?

'Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!'

-What are you doing here?

-No, it is OK. She...

-Oh, my God, shall I call the cops?

-No! No! She knows that I am here.

John, are you back, did it work out?

No, Zach, no, I am just here as a guest. I am a house guest.

-You mean like Charlie?

-Yes, yes, exactly like Charlie.

And I am here to celebrate the holiday season,

the whole seasonal, festive, Noel, yuletide thing.

Ex. Ex-ex.

Ex-mas!

The woman is insane and so are the pair of you.

Zachary, come to the kitchen with me. Now.

-Well, I'd love a cup of tea.

-So go make one.

Right-o.

'Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!'

-Did you...

-She does not know that I know.

Good. Keep it that way.

'Ho, ho, ho, Merry...'

I can do this. I CAN do this.

'Ho, ho, ho, Merry...'

SOUND DIES OUT

MUSIC: "Jingle Bells"

Three,

two,

one...

SHE GASPS

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Good morning, John, what are you going to be doing today?

I don't know, what do we normally do on the day before the main day?

Christmas Eve? We just wait around for Christmas Day, I guess.

-Oh, and we do carol singing.

-Oh, yeah? Yeah, I won't be doing that.

Oh.

John, I couldn't sleep all night.

-Are you certain that the lights on the roof are safe?

-I think so.

-You think so?

-KNOCK ON DOOR

That could be a public liability.

Have you considered the extra weight? Is the roof even insured?

The risk of electrocution?!

-Guess who's coming to dinner?

-Sgt Thomas!

Hiya, Zach! How you doing, little man?

Jeez, not so little any more. What are you feeding him?

-Thomas, I am so glad you came to join us.

-I would not have missed it.

-I hope you have room for me.

-Of course we do.

-Oh, great.

Wow. Well, you do not take this seriously at all, do you?!

-Thomas.

-Mrs Rodriguez.

-John, you are going to move in with Charlie.

-With Charlie?

-Mm-hm.

Thomas, this is Charlie.

-Charlie.

-Thomas.

-And then you've met John.

-Mm-hm.

And you must be Faith. I've heard so much about you.

Oh, come on, we've passed that. Christmas hugs for Faith!

THEY LAUGH

-She needs it! OK, so, hey, how about breakfast? Yes?

-Sounds good.

Come and eat. We are so happy to see you.

Smashing, breakfast!

-ZACHARY:

-Ho, ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Very nice, why don't we just put that in the closet somewhere?

Look, I know this is not easy for you, Christmas and all,

but Mom has been treating you as special as she used to.

Your mom is being great, but maybe we should just put that away.

I did not want to ask Sergeant Thomas. Too small for him anyway.

And Charlie really wants to wear it.

-But I thought it should be you.

-Me?

You see...

it was my dad's.

And nobody has ever worn it since he did.

I think it would fit you.

-That looks nice.

-It's good.

Oh, thank you.

How is the house coming along?

-Good.

-It's coming beautifully. Look!

Oh, my goodness.

The costume, is that...

It was my idea.

Now I have a real-life Santa just like before.

I think you need a little padding there, partner.

Well, now we are all gathered, let's do some practice.

Wow.

-Are you OK?

-I couldn't do the beard.

I'll help you. SHE STIFLES LAUGHTER

Are you ready?

Wait, OK.

Over, there we go.

You know you are going to have to wear this tonight for carolling.

-Oh, no, I can't.

-We join in every year for charity.

Carols. For sure.

ALL: # We wish you a Merry Christmas

# We wish you a Merry Christmas

# We wish you a Merry Christmas And a happy New Year. #

John, could you take the beard off and give us the chorus?

One, two...

# We wish you a Merry...

# We wish you a Merry...'mas.

# We wish you a Merry ex-mas And a happy New Year. #

All right?

Ex-mas? You make it sound like a disease.

I've got a problem, I am dealing with it.

Well, until you do, just mouth it.

DOOR OPENS

Grace, do not ever make me drive to that mall again.

So much traffic I couldn't even get near it.

And every single one of those drivers, a complete lunatic.

Never mind all that, come practise for carolling tonight.

Carol singing. Are you out of your mind?

In the middle of the night, in the freezing cold,

collecting money from total strangers.

I mean, a magnet for every gangster and hoodlum

and mugger for miles around, and you...

with a nine-year-old boy, you are seriously going to make him...

Faith, the quiet.

Nobody is going to hurt you

because I'll be right there beside you.

Now, are we going to go for a walk?

What?

To the mall. Going to walk to the mall?

-It's like a couple of miles away.

-That's right.

You coming?

Whoa.

Oh, casualty.

Look. I can do this. Look. I can do it.

Thank you, Faith. How was your walk?

Just a walk.

Just an ordinary walk.

It was a walk.

PHONE RINGS

Can somebody get that?

Rodriguez residence.

'Yes, hello. Can I speak with Grace Rodriguez, please?

'My name is Charlene Davis.'

No. No, you can't. It's a wrong number.

-'John, is that you?'

-No, it is not.

And you can't call here.

What is going on over here? Give me the phone.

-Hello?

-'I would like to speak with Grace...'

I did not ask her to call, I don't know why she is calling.

-Yes, it is me.

-'There is something that you need to know.'

No, I do not want to know anything...

'That whole scene in the garage...'

Are you OK?

Oh, sure, your mom is just talking to an old friend of mine.

-Well, that's a good thing, isn't it?

-No, it's going to ruin everything.

-Cut the phone line.

-I should have thought of that before.

But it's too late. Sometimes, Zach, your fate is decided for you.

Try to intervene and, you know, you make it worse.

Bull.

I beg your pardon?

I didn't work this hard and come this far for you to give up.

Get up!

OK, good. Bye.

I don't know how she got this number.

-Were you together a long time?

-Yes.

-For a while. What did she say?

-I told her the truth.

That you and I are not together any more.

-So that option is open if you want.

-I don't want.

Can we go somewhere to talk?

There is nowhere to go.

It's a full house, and there is nothing to talk about

because that's in the past.

-Right?

-Right.

OK, everybody, big houses means big contributions.

Grace, what are we doing here?

We are going to start with this one and then work our way down the block.

-Are you serious? This is my parents' house.

-We are here to spread joy.

I can't think of a house that needs joy more than this one. Come on!

# Please bring us some figgy pudding

# Please bring us some figgy pudding

# Please bring us some figgy pudding

# Please bring it right here

# We won't go until we get some

# We won't go until we get some... #

Go!

Get off my property, don't come back!

I'm sorry. We just don't do Christmas.

Well. Win some, you lose some.

Next house.

I'm so sorry.

Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

-Not one of your best.

-I know that this is hard for you.

I don't care.

I'll do anything, Grace.

I'll even wear this really, really uncomfortable beard.

I love you, Grace.

I know you don't want to hear that,

and obviously you can't respond to it.

Come on.

-Well, I'm ready to tuck in.

-So it's three to a bed?

Oh, that is Mr Pongo.

I'll go this side, you go that side, he goes in the middle.

All right?

Well, he better not get fresh, cos if he does, I'll smack you both.

HE SIGHS

SHE GROANS

-Sh.

-Hi.

-(Hi.)

-Oh, no, no, I've got to, um...

-No, no, no, no.

Yes, I have to finish Zach's stocking.

It's OK, I'll do it for you. Just go to sleep, OK?

-Merry Christmas.

-(Yeah.)

Come on, come on, better get up, come on, come, it's Christmas!

Get up, go!

Good heavens!

-Snowman, we go've got to build a snowman!

-Snowman.

Oh-ho!

LAUGHTER

-Oh, that can't be his real hair.

-It is now.

He paid good money at a bad wig shop.

-Oh!

-Why... Ah!

Take this!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Duty calls. Truce, truce!

Your man has come to save you.

Hey, everybody. Enjoy.

-Emelia!

-A woman can get tired of black.

-Champagne!

I brought some, just waiting for an excuse.

-- Well, you look fantastic. - Would you like my other knee.

-No!

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'll get it.

Oh, no, Charlene. (Please, you have to go.)

-No, she doesn't.

-What?

Everybody, this is Charlene. Zach, help her with her coat.

-Uh, this is my grandma.

-Why are you doing this?

She's alone at Christmas.

Alone. So I invited her here.

-You make yourself at home.

-Oh, and this is Charlie.

-Hi.

-Eh, Ch-Charlie.

-Charlene.

-No, Charlie.

-No, I'm Charlene.

-Oh, I see! Charlie - Charlene.

-Charlene.

-Well, the other way around of course!

-Oh, you're Charlie.

Ignore me, I'm English!

Totally zzzeh!

I still drive on the wrong side of the road sometimes,

that's how I got the bump, in the car!

-The one outside? The classic?

-You like cars?

-Daddy was a race mechanic.

-I've got tons of them.

-(Faith.)

-Yeah? Oh, yeah.

Uh, OK, you're going to hate this.

You know we haven't shared a room since we were kids?

-It's OK, I'll come in with you.

-You will?

-Sure. And I love you.

-Did that sound all right?

-Uh...yes.

-I love you too.

-Great.

Yeah.

Oh, I love antiques.

Well, you should see my place, it's loaded with them.

Well, the house here is, the place in Monaco is all modern.

Monaco? You have a place in Monaco?

Wait a minute. Charlene, he snores.

Oh, do you? My first boyfriend did that. You know how I cured him?

No.

-Oh, really?! Did that work?

-Yeah!

-Well, I can't wait to try that.

Say, do you like champagne?

I adore champagne.

Come along then!

SHE LAUGHS

-Grace.

-I'm really busy right now.

-This is it. It's here.

-Yeah.

-The big day.

-Right.

-You should enjoy it. Can't you stop for a minute?

No, I can't.

John, please. There's nothing that you can do.

When I was a kid, Christmas was magic.

We had Mom and Dad, and everything was warm and safe,

nothing bad would happen, and I would just be happy for ever.

I want that for Zachary.

And me, well, I... This time of year, I just hurt a little.

-For him?

-For the man I lost. For the life I lost.

-The family that I should have had.

-So you should let it out.

I can't...allow myself to.

That's why I fill my house with tinsel and invite people over and...

And it works.

I've seen things here I can't believe.

I've done things I've never done. Even as a kid.

I share and I care, and I give, and I risk, and I join.

And I enjoy it. I can never do that.

-I never had to.

-Oh, John. You've always been the good guy.

You make magic, Grace. For everybody, especially for me.

Can't I share some of it with you?

DOORBELL RINGS

-What on earth?

-No more house guests, OK? We don't have room.

-What's going on?

-John, it's your mother.

-Oh, no...

-John?!

I can't stand it any more. I left him.

We had such an argument, worse than ever.

That's it, I am done, I am finished with him!

You're going to have to look after me now.

Well, what do you want me to do? This isn't my house!

I don't know, take me to a motel.

-No, you'll stay here.

-I couldn't possibly...

-Are you out of your mind?

-End of discussion.

My house is your house. You will stay with us.

That's very...kind.

Grace, you can't be serious?!

Emilia Rodriguez. How do you do?

Agnes Brooking.

Do you want coffee, or a drink, or one in the other?

-Just a coffee.

-You shut up.

-He's right, I probably shouldn't drink.

Zach, your room...

No way. I'll take the sofa.

-Thank you, Thomas.

-You're welcome.

Oh, my goodness. Look at all these decorations.

-It's Christmas!

-Well, I know that!

This is my son Zachary. We do all of this for him.

You mean, you go to all this trouble?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Wish you'd done the same for me.

John! BANGING ON THE DOOR

-Oh! It's him! He's come to get me.

-HARRY:

-Open up right now!

Please, don't open the door.

OK, I'll do it. It's my dad. I'm responsible.

-Not you! That's not going to help.

-I'll handle it.

No! Not you either. Just everybody stay put.

This is MY house.

Stand down, gentlemen. She's tougher than both of you.

Open up! Open up right...

My wife's in there.

-So is your son.

-I don't care about him! Just get her out here!

She's left you.

She wouldn't dare leave me. I gave her everything she's got. Him too.

The un...grateful!

You were mean to her.

Mean?! The world's mean!

She's had long enough to get used to that.

You were mean to John too.

When you sent me into that garage, you knew what I would find.

Don't you lecture me...woman!