Carnage

This film contains strong language.

"January 11th, at 2:30pm..."

You'll do your statement separately - this one's ours.

"Following a verbal dispute in Brooklyn Bridge Park,

"Zachary Cowan, age 11, and armed with a stick,

"struck our son, Ethan Longstreet, in the face.

"In addition to the swelling and bruising of Ethan's upper lip,

"this act also resulted in two broken incisors,

"including nerve damage to the right incisor."

"Armed"?

Armed. You don't like "armed"?

Michael, what could we say? Carrying? Holding? Carrying a stick?

-"Carrying", yeah.

-"Carrying a stick".

"Carrying"...

It's ironic - we always thought Brooklyn Bridge Park was so safe.

Compared to Hillside.

True. We always said, Brooklyn Bridge Park, fine. Hillside, no way.

Just goes to show you.

Hey, thank you so much for coming!

It's so much better than getting caught up

in that adversarial mindset.

Well, we thank YOU, really.

There's no reason for us to thank each other.

Luckily, some of us still have a sense of community, right?

Though the kids haven't got that notion straight yet.

-I mean, our kid.

-Right, our kid.

Those tulips are gorgeous.

Oh, it's the florist up by Henry - you know, all the way up?

-Oh, right!

-They fly the bulbs right in from Holland,

20 for a whole bunch.

-That a fact?

-Yeah.

-Do you know it? All the way up?

-Right, right.

Well... So, what about the tooth with the damaged nerve?

Oh. Well, we don't know yet.

There's some question about the prognosis.

Well, apparently, the nerve is not completely exposed.

Only part of it is exposed.

There's a part that's exposed and a part that's still protected.

So now, they're not going to devitalise it.

They want to give the tooth a chance.

We would so love to avoid root canal.

-Of course.

-So there's an observation period

while they give the nerve a chance to heal.

Meantime, he's going to need caps.

-You can't have implants until you're 18, anyway.

-You can't.

They can only do implants once they're done growing.

Naturally. Well, we hope it all turns out all right.

We can only hope.

Listen, um...

You know, he didn't want to tell on Zachary.

No, he didn't want to tell.

I mean, it was incredible to see this child with no face left, no teeth...

-And he just wouldn't talk.

-I can just imagine.

He didn't want to tell on the kid.

Like, his friends would say he was a snitch.

Let's face it, Penny, it wasn't just a sense of honour.

You could say that. Honour requires a social context...

So how did you finally get Zachary's name?

Well, cos we explained to Ethan

that protecting this child was not going to help him.

We told him, if this kid thinks he can get away with hitting people,

-why should he stop?

-That if we were that child's parents,

we would want to know about this.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-Of course.

-Yeah. Excuse me one second.

Yes, Walter?

Thanks for getting back to me.

It's in this morning's Journal. I'll read it to you.

"According to a study published by British journal Lancet..."

"two Australian researchers have identified..."

"neurological side-effects

"of TW Pharma's anti-hypertension medication, Antril,"

"including impaired hearing and ataxia."

Who the hell does your press monitoring over there?

Yeah, you're in deep shit.

No, my problem is the ASM.

You have an Annual Stockholders Meeting in two weeks.

Did you schedule a contingency for litigation?

Walter, Walter. Talk to PR and find out

if it was picked up anywhere else and call me back.

OK.

Sorry.

-So you're, like, a...

-An attorney.

-And yourself?

-Houseware supply.

Penny is a writer.

She works part-time in a bookstore, mostly art books and history books.

-A writer!

-Well, I co-wrote a volume on Sabaean civilisation.

Working with artefacts retrieved

after the Ethiopia-Eritrea conflict.

Right now I'm working on a book about the Darfur tragedy.

You specialise in Africa?

I'm interested in that part of the world, yes.

-Do you have any other children?

-There's Courtney, she's nine.

She's very angry with her father right now.

He got rid of the hamster last night.

-You got rid of the hamster?

-Yeah.

Made such a racket at night. They sleep during the day.

Ethan was going crazy, he couldn't take the racket that thing made.

I don't mind telling you, I've been wanting to get rid of the thing

for the longest time.

-PHONE BEEPS

-So I said, "That's it." I took it out and left it on the street.

You left it on the street?

I figured it was a gutter-sewer kind of animal.

But it was scared out of its wits, out there, on the sidewalk.

Truth is, they're not pets and they're not wild.

Drop them in the middle of the forest, they're still unhappy.

-Where are you supposed to put them?

-So you just left him outside?

Yeah, he did.

And he tried to convince Courtney that the hamster ran away.

Which, of course, she was not buying.

-And this morning the hamster was gone?

-Gone.

-What about you? What do you do for a living?

-Oh, I'm an investment broker.

Let me... I'll just going to ask this directly.

Er, could Zachary apologise to Ethan?

Sure. It would be good if they talked.

He's got to apologise, Alan. He has to actually say he's sorry.

-Yeah, probably.

-Well, IS he sorry?

He doesn't realise how serious it was. He's 11 years old.

-11 is not a baby.

-It's not an adult either.

We forgot to ask you, you want some coffee or tea?

Is there any cobbler left, Penny? She makes a mean cobbler!

-Um, well...

-You got espresso?

-We do!

-I wouldn't mind a cup.

-A glass of water.

Yeah. Espresso for me too, babe. And bring the cobbler. Come on, come on.

Please, please have a seat.

Didn't mean to rush you out. Here, here.

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

HE SIGHS

You got to taste this cobbler.

Where's the cobbler?

She put the cobbler in the fridge again.

I don't know what language I'm supposed to speak to that woman in.

-Nice couple.

-Very.

They're nice, right?

-COFFEE GRINDER WHIRRS You tell everybody I'm a writer?

-You ARE a writer. You wrote a book.

Good cobbler is NOT easy to make.

-What do you sell?

-Decorative hardware...

Door locks, handles, copper fittings...

And kitchen equipment - pots and pans...

Is that a good living?

You know, it's not like we had any banner years or anything.

It was tough starting out.

But long as I'm out there every morning,

with my sample case and catalogue, it's a living.

Although the cast-iron roasting pans do pick up around the holidays.

When you saw the hamster was terrified,

why didn't you bring it home?

Cos I don't touch those things.

You put it on the sidewalk.

It was in the cage. I flipped it on its side.

No way I'm touching those things!

-Sugar?

-No, no sugar.

-So, what kind of cobbler you make?

-Apple and pear.

Apple and pear?

Yeah, it's a...you know, it's a little recipe of mine.

It's a shame it's cold.

Apple and pear, that's new to me.

Apple and pear is a classic.

-Of course, there's a twist to it.

-Oh, really?

You have to cut the pear thicker than the apple, because they cook faster.

-Oh, right!

-She's not telling you the REAL secret.

Let them taste it!

Very good, VERY good.

-Mm! Delicious!

-Gingerbread crumbs!

Oh, my God!

It's just a souped-up old-school recipe - his mother gave me the idea.

Gingerbread, fantastic!

At least we get a new recipe out of this, right?

I wish my son didn't have to lose two teeth in the process.

Right, that's what I meant.

-You have a novel way of expressing it.

-No. I...

-PHONE VIBRATES

Excuse me.

Yeah, Walter?

No. No letters to the editor.

You'll just fan the flames.

Was it scheduled? Yeah...

What are these disorders? What's ataxia?

And in normal doses?

How long have you known this?

And in all that time you haven't recalled it?

What are we talking about in revenues?

Oh, oh, I see.

OK.

-Alan! We're all waiting for you.

-Yeah, right. One second.

Dennis?

'Did you talk to him?'

They've known about the risks for 2½ years.

An internal report,

but undesirable side-effects are not established.

No precautionary measures and they didn't schedule a reserve.

Nothing in the annual report.

'I can't believe it. What are the symptoms?'

Come on. Lack of balance, jerky gait, the works.

Basically, you look like you're drunk.

HE SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

Roughly half a billion in revenues.

You there?

'Yeah. What will I do?'

Deny.

That dumb-shit wanted us to write a letter to the editor.

No way we're writing a letter.

On the other hand, if we see this is getting picked up,

we could do a press release.

Like somebody's spreading false rumours

two weeks out from the ASM kind of thing.

He's calling me back.

OK.

I've been so busy, I hardly had time for lunch.

Oh, help yourself, help yourself!

-Here.

-Oh, no, thanks!

-Go on, go on!

I know I have no manners. Where were we?

We were saying it would be so much nicer if me met some other way.

-This cobbler - your mother, huh?

-HIS mother.

It's my mother's recipe but Pen made it.

-Your mother doesn't use apples and pears.

-No.

-She's about to have an operation, poor thing.

-Oh, really? What for?

-Her knee.

-She's going to get

a polyethylene and metallic prosthesis.

And she's all worried what's going to be left of it

-after the cremation.

-Michael, don't be mean.

She doesn't want to be buried beside my father. She wants to be cremated,

and put upstate, next to her mother, who's all alone.

A couple of urns jabbering away on the shores of Lake Sebago.

We're very touched by how generous you're being.

We realise how you're trying to smooth things out here

instead of making them worse.

-Please, it's the least we could do.

-Yeah.

No, come on. So many parents just take their kid's side,

acting like children themselves.

If Ethan had broken two of Zachary's teeth,

I'm thinking Alan and I might have had more of a knee-jerk reaction.

-I'm not sure we would see the big picture.

-Sure you would.

She's right. I'm not so sure.

You would. Because we all know

this could have happened the other way around.

What does Zachary say about this?

How is he experiencing it?

He doesn't talk much. A little overwhelmed, I guess.

But he realises that he disfigured his schoolmate?

No. No, he doesn't realise that he DISFIGURED his schoolmate.

Why do you say that? Of course Zachary realises.

He realises that this violent behaviour is unacceptable,

not that he disfigured his schoolmate.

You don't like the word but I'm afraid the word is appropriate.

My son did not disfigure your son.

Your son disfigured our son!

Come back after school, look at his mouth and teeth.

-Momentarily disfigured.

-His mouth will be fine

when the swelling goes down.

As for the teeth, we'd be willing to chip in for the best dental care.

We got insurance for that.

What we want is for the boys to patch it up,

make sure nothing like this ever happens again.

-Let's set up a meeting.

-Yeah. Exactly.

Should we be there?

They don't need coaching. Let them work it out like men.

Like men? Alan, don't be ridiculous.

On the other hand, maybe we don't need to be there.

Maybe it's better if we WEREN'T there, right?

The issue is not whether we are there or whether we are not there.

The issue is, do they want to talk about this, do they want to work this out?

-Ethan does.

-Does Zachary?

-We won't give him a choice.

-It has to come from him.

Zachary acts like a thug,

we're not going to wait around for him to see the light.

If Zachary sees Ethan in a punitive context, because he's forced to,

I just don't see anything positive coming out of that.

Mrs Longstreet, our son is a maniac.

If you hope he'll suddenly and spontaneously get all apologetic,

you're dreaming.

Look, I'm sorry, but I really do have to get back to the office.

Nancy, you stay. You'll let me know what was decided.

I'm no use to anyone anyway.

Women always think you need the man, you need the father,

like it would do any good.

I'm really sorry, but I can't stay either.

My husband has never been

much of an "I'll-push-the-stroller" type daddy.

That's too bad, it goes by so fast.

Mike loved taking care of the kids.

-He had a ball pushing that stroller.

-Yeah, sure.

So... What do we decide?

Oh. Could you come over to our place at about 7:30, with Ethan?

7:30 all right?

-Well, if you want my opinion...

-Yes...please.

-I think Zachary should come over here.

-Yeah, I agree.

The victim shouldn't be the one who makes the trip.

-I can't be anywhere at 7:30.

-Who needs you? You're useless, right?

-Seriously, I think it's important for his father to come.

-Not tonight.

Hello. Can you hear me?

-Tomorrow?

-I'm sorry. Can you hear me now?

There's not a word in the annual report.

But the risk wasn't officially established. There's no proof.

Call me back.

-Tomorrow?

-Tomorrow I'm in Washington.

-You have business in Washington?

-At the Pentagon.

Look, the main thing is to get the kids to talk.

I'll come over to your place at 7:30 with Zachary

and we'll let them talk it through.

What? You don't seem convinced.

If Zachary hasn't acquired any accountability skills,

they'll just glare at each other, it will be disaster.

Accountability skills? What are you talking about?

I'm sure your son is not a maniac.

Zachary is NOT a maniac.

-Yes, he is.

-Alan, don't be an idiot. Why are you saying that?

He's a maniac.

-How does he explain what he did?

-He won't talk about it.

-He SHOULD talk about it.

-That's a lot of "should", Mrs Longstreet.

He should come here, he should talk about it, he should feel sorry.

I'm sure you're much more evolved than we are.

We're trying to get up to speed, but in the meantime try to indulge us.

Hey, hey, hey, come on! What happened here?

This isn't what we're all about.

-I was talking about Zachary, about HIM.

-I got that.

Alan!

You want some more coffee? Some real coffee?

Coffee.

Thank you.

-Coffee, all right.

-It's OK, Pen, I'll get it.

DOG BARKS

I see you're an art enthusiast.

Yes.

-Bacon?

-Yes, Bacon.

-Cruelty and splendour.

-Chaos. Balance.

-Is Zachary interested in art?

-Not as much as he should be.

Your children are?

Well, we try to make up for the lack in the school curriculum.

Right.

We try to take them to concerts and galleries.

I really believe that culture can be such a powerful force for peace.

You're so right.

Is cobbler cake or pie? This is an important question.

I was in the kitchen, thinking, "Why should pizza be a pie?"

Oh, here, don't leave this miserable little piece. Go ahead, go ahead.

Here, go on, you have that.

Cobbler's a cake. There's no crust on the bottom, can't be a pie.

You're a gourmet chef.

I like to cook. It's something you have to do out of love or not at all.

The way I see it, if there's no crust on the bottom, then it's not a pie.

So, how about you guys? You have other kids?

I have another son by a former marriage.

You know, I was wondering. I know it's not important but...

Do you know what were they arguing about?

Cos Ethan won't say a word.

Ethan wouldn't let Zachary be a part of his gang.

-Ethan has a gang?

-And he called him a snitch.

Did you know that Ethan had a gang?

No.

But I'm thrilled to hear it!

-Why are you thrilled?

-Cos

-I

-had one.

-I was the leader.

-So was I.

What does the leader of a gang do?

You know, you got five, six guys

who, like you, are willing to sacrifice themselves for you.

-Like in Ivanhoe.

-Exactly, like in Ivanhoe.

Who even knows about Ivanhoe any more?

So it's another role model. Like Spider-Man or whoever.

Well, apparently you know more about this than we do.

I guess Zachary wasn't quite as silent as you first said.

So, um, why did he call him a snitch?

Forget it, silly question, right? What's the point? No-one cares.

We're not going to get into these children's quarrels.

-It's none of our business.

-Right.

What IS our business is this unfortunate incident.

Violence is our business.

When I was the leader,

I beat up Jimmy Leach in a fair fight, and he was bigger than me.

-What does that have to do with anything, Michael?

-No, nothing.

This is not a fair fight, these boys weren't fighting.

-Right, I was just remembering something.

-It's not VERY different.

-Excuse me, I'm sorry, there's a difference.

-There is a difference.

What's the difference?

Me and Jimmy Leach agreed to fight.

-Did you mess him up?

-A little.

Enough about Jimmy Leach.

-Do you mind if I talk to Zachary?

-Of course not.

I would never do it without your permission.

No, talk to him. That's completely fine with us.

-And good luck with that.

-Stop it, Alan.

Why do you say that?

-Mrs Longstreet...

-Penelope.

I think we'll do better if we're on a first-name basis.

Penelope, you're acting on the desire to educate...

I don't talk to him if you don't want me to.

Go ahead, lecture him, talk to him, do whatever you want.

I don't understand how you feel so uninvolved here.

-Mrs Longstreet...

-Penelope.

Penelope, I'm very involved here.

-My son injured another child...

-Deliberately.

See, that's the kind of thing that irks me. We KNOW deliberately.

That's what makes all the difference.

The difference between what and what? We're only talking about one thing.

Our kid picked up a stick and hit your kid. That's why we're here.

-Fruitless.

-Right, she's right. This kind of talk is fruitless.

Why do you feel you need to slip in the word "deliberately"?

What kind of lesson are you trying to teach me?

All right, this is getting silly.

My husband is all stressed out over work stuff.

I'll come back here tonight with Zachary

and we'll let them work it out naturally.

-I'm not stressed out in the least.

-Well, I am.

-There's no reason to be stressed out.

-Yes, there is.

-PHONE VIBRATES

Yeah?

Well, no comment. No comment.

No comment!

What? If you recall it, you're admitting liability!

Recalling Antril would be admitting your liability!

Christmastime in the school play...

-What did Zachary play? Zachary played...

-Ebenezer Scrooge.

-..accused of accounting irregularities...

-Ebenezer Scrooge.

If you want them to haul you out of the meeting...

LOUDLY: Michael, do you remember when he played Scrooge?

-Sure.

-He was wonderful.

He had that nightcap on. He was very funny.

Let's talk about the victims after the stockholders' meeting...

What did Ethan play? He played the... er, one of the kids.

-One of the Cratchits.

-The Cratchit kids, that's right.

We can't recall a drug because three guys can't walk a straight line!

For the time being, don't make a move.

All right, call you right back.

RINGING TONE

They're in panic mode. They have the media breathing down their necks.

All right.

I want a press release that doesn't sound defensive at all.

Just the opposite. Go for the jugular.

Something like, "TW Pharma is a target."

"Attempt at manipulation of the stock price

"two weeks before the stockholders' meeting."

"Where did this study come from anyway?"

"How does this suddenly drop out of a clear blue sky?" etc.

Not one word about the health issue.

Just one question - who is behind the study? Who?

Fine.

Pharmaceutical companies - the worst, right?

Profit, profit, profit.

Nobody said you should listen to my conversation.

Well, nobody said you should have it under my nose.

I'm totally forced to have it here. Against my will, believe me.

They just peddle this shit, right? No-one is responsible.

In any therapeutic advance, there are benefits and there are risks.

Yeah, I know. Still, you got some funny line of work.

-What does that mean?

-Michael, it's none of our business.

-It's a funny line of work.

-What about you, what do you do?

-I got a normal job.

-Oh, what's a NORMAL job?

-I told you, I sell pots and pans.

-And door handles.

And flush mechanisms. And lot of other stuff.

"Flush mechanisms" - I like that. That's interesting.

Alan!

I find that interesting. Flush toilets are interesting.

Why not?

-How many different kinds do you have?

-There's two basic kinds.

You got your push button and your handle operated.

-Yeah, right.

-Depends where your water line is.

-I see.

-It either comes from the side near the top,

or it comes from the bottom.

-Right.

-One of my store managers is an expert. I could introduce you.

But you'll have to hump it out to Jamaica, Queens.

You seem like you know your business pretty well.

Are you planning on sanctioning Zachary in any way?

You two can have your plumbing discussion some other time.

-I don't feel well.

-What's the matter, are you all right?

-Oh, you do look pale, honey.

-You're all white, yeah.

-Nauseous.

-Some Reglan, we got some Reglan?

-No. I'll be fine.

-Coke. What you need is a Coke.

It's not cold.

-It's not cold.

-Thank you.

Just little sips. The Coke wasn't in the fridge.

All right.

Have him call me back. Tell him right away.

Is Coke good for that? It's more for diarrhoea, isn't it?

No, not only.

Better?

I think so.

Mrs Longstreet...

If we decide to reprimand our child,

we'll do it in our own way and on our own terms.

-Absolutely.

-What absolutely?

He's their kid, they're free to do as they see fit.

-I don't agree.

-You don't agree about what, Penny?

-They're not free.

-Is that right? Go on.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-Sorry. Yeah?

Right.

But don't forget, nothing has been proven here, nothing is certain.

Don't fuck this up.

If we don't get this right, Walter will be out on his ass

in two weeks, and so will we.

Enough, Alan! Enough with the cellphone already!

The here and now, goddammit!

-SHE BELCHES

-Call me back and read it to me.

What the hell is wrong with you, screaming at me like that?!

Dennis heard every word!

Good! I'm sick of that fucking cellphone,

every minute of every day!

Listen, you should be thanking me for agreeing to come here.

Really?!

-I'm going to throw up.

-No, you're not.

-I am.

-You want to use the bathroom?

-Nobody's forcing you to stay.

-She's right, nobody's forcing you to stay.

-I'm dizzy.

-Stare at a point in space. Stare at a point in space.

-Hey, you can see part of the EL from here. Cool!

-Get away from me.

-Leave me alone.

-Should she go to the bathroom?

Go to the bathroom if you have to throw up.

-Give her some Reglan.

-It can't be the cobbler, can it?

-No, I made it yesterday!

-Don't touch me!

Take it easy, Doodle.

Come on, don't get all bent out of shape over nothing.

My husband feels that anything to do with the house, the school,

-the backyard, is my domain.

-I do not.

You do so. And I can understand why. It's all so excruciatingly boring.

It's excruciating.

If it's so excruciating, why have children in the first place?

Maybe Zachary's picking up on that lack of interest.

-What lack of interest?!

-You just said yourself!

Go get a bucket, go get a bucket!

That stupid bitch.

You should have gone to the bathroom. This is ridiculous.

-Your suit took a hit.

-What?

It couldn't be the cobbler. That much I know.

It's not the cobbler, it's nerves. This is just nerves.

Do you want to clean up in the bathroom?

Oh, my God, my Kokoschka.

-Give her some Reglan.

-She can't keep anything down.

Where's the bathroom?

I'll show you.

This is nerves, just nerves.

Thank you.

Like I always say,

you can't get over something while you're under it.

With me, it's the back of my neck. Gets all blocked up back here.

-What do we do with the Kokoschka?

-We can clean it.

Try Lysol. Problem is going to be drying it.

Maybe plain water and put some cologne on there.

-Cologne?

-I got some of that Kronos I never use.

The paper will warp.

We'll blow-dry it, then put some books on top

to flatten it out. Maybe iron it like dollar bills.

-Oh, God!

-I'll buy you another one.

There is no other one. It's been out of print for years.

-I'm so sorry.

-We can save it.

Pen, let me do this.

It's a reprint from the catalogue of the 1957 show in London.

Go get the blow-dryer and the cologne from the bathroom cabinet.

-Her husband is in the bathroom!

-He's not on the can!

I got most of it off. Just a little bit left on the Dolgans.

HAIRDRYER WHIRRS

Excuse me!

-Are you feeling better?

-Yeah.

-Should I spray?

-Where's the blow-dryer?

He's drying his pants.

All right, we'll wait. We'll put the Kronos on there last.

-Can I use the bathroom too?

-Yes, of course. Of course.

I don't know what to say...

I am so sorry.

SHE KNOCKS THE DOOR

Bring the blow-dryer when you're done, please.

God!

Unbelievable!

Un-fucking-believable.

-Her cobbler is horrible.

-You stuffed your face!

Look at my day. I have to get some food in me SOMETIME.

SHE GARGLES

Oh, God.

Freaking nightmare!

He better watch it, he's got me right on the edge.

-She's horrible!

-Hmm, less.

She's so fake.

-She doesn't bother me as much.

-They're both horrible.

Why do you keep taking their side all the time?

-Sorry.

-I don't take their side. What's that supposed to mean?

What the hell are we doing here?

-I hope you're kidding.

-Why do you argue with her?

We'd have been out of here a long time ago

if you didn't bicker over every word.

You'd rather I was a sheep, like her husband?

-You think it was the cobbler?

-Of course it was.

A little warm Coke and...bang!

You mitigate. You're trying to reconcile everything.

-I'm not!

-You are!

You had a gang and you were the leader,

and they can do whatever they want with their son.

Their son is a threat to Homeland Security.

When a kid is a menace to society, it's everybody's business.

I can't believe that she barfed all over my books!

When you know you're going to toss your cookies, you take precautions.

Oh, the Foujita!

It's disgusting...

I was right on the edge with that toilet-flushing shit.

-You were incredible.

-I held my own, right?

Incredible. "Jamaica, Queens", that was genius.

-Little piece of shit. What does he call her again?

-Doodle.

-THEY GIGGLE

-Yeah, right. Doodle...

-Doodle!

Yeah, I call her Doodle.

Oh, I'm sorry. We didn't mean anything.

It's so easy to make fun of other people's pet names.

Michael, what do we call each other? I'm sure it's worse, right?

-Here, you wanted the blow-dryer.

-Thanks.

We call each other Darjeeling, like the tea.

A lot more embarrassing, if you ask me.

-How's she feeling, is she feeling better?

-Yeah, better.

Yeah, I... I reacted badly. I'm ashamed.

-Really.

-Here.

I made a big deal about the catalogue.

I don't really know why I did that.

You get so absurdly attached to these things,

you don't even know why, really.

-Pull it taut.

-But hold on to the other side.

I know, I got it, just pull it. Pull it cos there's wrinkles.

-The corners are wet.

-I know, I'll get the corners.

-It's going to tear.

-He's right, it going to tear.

-OK, here.

-It's dry enough.

You put cologne on those and I'll finish this one.

-Where does Doodle come from?

-Sorry.

Yankee Doodle? Cheez Doodle?

No, it's a song from Guys and Dolls that goes, "Doodle oodle oodle oo."

Oh, yeah, I know that one.

# I love you a bushel and a peck

# You bet your pretty neck I do A-doodle-oodle-oo-do... #

-Yeah.

-Ours is from our honeymoon in India.

We called each other Darjeeling instead of darling.

So stupid.

-Maybe I should check on her?

-Yeah, you do that, Darjeeling.

Oh, Nancy!

I was worried about you. Are you feeling better?

Yeah, better, I think so.

If you're not sure, stay away from the coffee table.

I left a towel in the bathtub. I didn't know where to put it.

Perfect.

You cleaned up? I am so sorry.

Everything is fine. All is well.

I'm sorry, I wasn't there for you. I was so focused on my Kokoschka.

That's all right.

-No, I behaved poorly.

-Please.

In the bathroom, I was thinking.

Yes?

Maybe we glossed over the...

-Well, I mean...

-What? What is it?

Well...

-Name-calling is a kind of abuse.

-Sure.

-Depends.

-Right, depends.

Zachary has never been a violent child. He must have his reasons.

Like getting called a snitch.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-Excuse me.

Yeah, Walter.

As long as there are no victims on the panel. No victims.

I don't want you sitting down with victims.

Deny, deny, deny. If we have to, we'll sue the Journal.

We'll e-mail you the draft of the press release.

Walter, I'm sorry, I got to go.

Call me a snitch, it gets a rise out of me.

-Unless it's true.

-What?

You know, if the shoe fits.

-You think my son is a snitch?

-Come on, I'm joking around.

-So is yours anyway.

-What do you mean, so is ours?

-He snitched on Zachary.

-We coaxed it out of him.

We're completely off point here.

Maybe you coaxed, but he did snitch on him.

-Nancy...

-Nancy what?

-You think my son is a snitch?

-I don't think anything.

Well, if you don't think anything, don't say anything.

Don't make insinuations.

Nancy, there's no reason to lose our cool here.

Michael and I have gone out of our way

to be fair-minded and conciliating.

-Not SO fair-minded.

-Oh, really?

Superficially fair-minded.

Doodle, I have to go.

So go, coward.

Nancy, right now I'm in danger of losing my most important client.

So this caring parent crap and the bickering that goes along with it...

-My son lost two teeth. Two incisors.

-We got that, right.

-One of them permanently.

-He'll get new teeth.

Better ones! No-one chewed his ear off!

It was a mistake not to consider the source of the problem.

There is no source.

There's an 11-year-old kid who hits people, with a stick!

-Armed with a stick.

-We took that word out.

-You took it out because we asked you to.

-We took it out without argument.

A word which deliberately establishes intent

without any hint of a misunderstanding.

Which excludes childhood.

I don't think I can stand this tone any more.

We're not quite on the same page, you and I. Right from the start.

Mr Cowan, it is incredibly frustrating

to be continually upbraided

For something we ourselves admitted was a mistake.

Like the word "armed" wasn't right, we took it out.

Strictly speaking, it certainly applies.

Zachary was verbally abused, and overreacted.

If I'm attacked, I defend myself.

Especially when I'm all alone against a whole gang.

Well, YOU'VE certainly perked up since you tossed your cookies.

Do you realise how crude that is?

We're all decent people. All four of us.

I don't know how we got so carried away, losing our tempers.

It's totally unnecessary.

Michael, stop it, stop mitigating.

We're only superficially fair-minded. Why should we be fair-minded at all?

-I'm not going to be led down that path.

-What path?

The path those two little shits led us down! All right?

-I'm afraid Pen doesn't see things that way...

-Penelope.

-Sorry.

-So Ethan is a shit now?

That really takes the cake.

-That's it. I really have to leave now.

-Yeah, so do I.

Go, go. I give up.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, hi, Ma.

No, we got some friends over, but go ahead.

Yes, you just do whatever the doctors tell you to do.

Yes.

The what?

Antril? You're...you're taking Antril...

Wait. Hold on a second.

Antril? That crap of yours, is Antril?

-My mother's taking it.

-Thousands of people take it.

Mum, listen, stop taking that one right away. You hear me? Right now.

Just... Do what I tell you, I'll explain later.

Mum, you tell Dr Perlstein that I said you can't take it.

Good.

Why red?

So WHO can see you?

Mom, that's ridiculous. Mom...

I have to call you back. I told you, we have company.

OK. I love you. Bye-bye.

She got red crutches in case she gets hit by a truck.

In case she wanders out on the street at night.

They're giving her Antril for her blood pressure.

If she's taking it and she looks normal, I'll take her deposition.

Didn't I have a scarf?

I don't like that attitude of yours.

If my mother shows even the slightest symptom,

my name will be at the top of a class-action suit.

-We'll have one anyway.

-I should hope so!

Doing the right thing is futile.

Honesty is just stupidity.

It just weakens you. You let your guard down.

OK, let's go Nancy. That's enough sermons and lectures for one day.

Go ahead, go. But let me tell you this,

now that I know you two, I'm not surprised...

what's his name - Zachary - may have behaviour issues.

-When you killed that hamster...

-Killed?

-Killed.

-I killed the hamster?

Yes. You do everything you can to make us feel guilty.

You stake out the moral high ground

as your own, but you yourself are a murderer.

I definitely did not kill the hamster.

Worse. You just left it out there,

trembling with fear in a hostile environment.

That poor critter was probably eaten by a dog or a rat.

-She's right about that.

-What do you mean, she's right?

I mean, it's horrible, what must have happened to that poor animal!

I thought the hamster would be happy to be free.

I thought he'd go running around in the gutter, happy as a clam!

-He didn't.

-You just left him there!

I can't touch those things, OK? I can't touch anything of that family.

-Christ, Penny, you know that!

-He's afraid of rodents.

Yes, I have a fear of rodents.

And I have a fear of reptiles.

Anything down close to the ground, that's it, all right?

What about you? How come YOU didn't go downstairs and get it?

Because I didn't know!

Michael said this morning that the hamster ran away.

So I went right out, I went all the way around the block.

I went to the basement!

Penelope, it is completely unfair

that all of a sudden I'm in the hot seat about this hamster thing.

That you just had to tell them about. That's a family issue.

That doesn't concern anybody but us,

and it's got nothing to do with this situation here!

And I can't believe I'm being called a murderer in my own house!

What does your house have to do with the price of tea in China?

My house! I opened the door!

The door is wide open in a spirit of reconciliation.

To a couple of people who should be a little grateful!

Keep right on stroking your own ego, it's beautiful.

-So you have no remorse?

-No! I have no remorse.

That animal was disgusting and I'm glad it's gone.

-Michael, that's ridiculous.

-What's ridiculous?

What, have YOU lost your mind too?

Their son beats the shit out of Ethan

and you're in my face over a hamster?

What you did with that hamster was wrong and you can't deny that.

I don't give a shit about the hamster!

You'll have to give a shit when your daughter get home!

Bring her on! I'm not going to be told how to act

-by a nine-year-old snot-nose brat!

-I agree with him there, 100%.

That's pathetic.

Watch it, Penelope, watch it.

I've kept my shirt on up till now, but you're pushing me over a line.

-And Ethan?

-What about Ethan?

-Is he sad too?

-Ethan's got other things on his plate, if you ask me.

-Ethan wasn't so attached to Nibbles.

-Nibbles?

What kind of pussy name is that anyway?!

If you feel no remorse, why should our son?

You know what? All this consultation and consideration shit -

I'm sick to death of it. We were nice to you. We bought tulips.

My wife dressed me up as a liberal,

but the fact is I got no patience for this touchy-feely bullshit.

-I'm a short-tempered son of a bitch.

-We all are.

No, I'm sorry. We are not ALL short-tempered sons of bitches.

-Not you, of course.

-No, not me! Thank God!

Not you, Darjeeling, not you.

You're so evolved. You never go off half-cocked.

-Why are you being so aggressive with me?

-I'm not being aggressive. I'm being honest.

Yes, you are being aggressive!

You put this little bash together and I let you recruit me...

-You let me recruit you?

-Yes.

That is so disgusting.

No, it's not. You're an advocate for civilised behaviour,

-that's fine with me.

-Yes, I'm an advocate for civilised behaviour,

you bet I am! At least somebody is!

You think it's better to be a son of a bitch?

Nobody said that, nobody criticised you for that!

-YOU did!

-We did not.

What was I supposed to do?! Was I supposed to sue you?

Never speak to you again

and tear you apart through the insurance company?

-Stop it, Penny.

-Stop what?!

-You're blowing this all out of proportion.

-I don't care!

You do everything you can to escape the pettiness and you just end up

humiliated and completely alone!

Yes, Walter?

Well, let them prove it.

Prove it!

From where I sit, the best thing for us to do...

We're born alone and we die alone!

Who wants a little Scotch?

Walter, I'm in a meeting right now.

I'll call you when I get back to the office.

That's the thing. I'm living with a totally negative person.

-Who's negative?

-Me.

This was the worst possible idea!

We should never have had this meeting.

-I told you so.

-You told me so?

-Yeah.

You told me we should have never this meeting?

-I didn't think it was a very good idea.

-It was a good idea.

Oh, come on. Who wants a little?

You told me you didn't think it was a good idea?

-As I recall.

-As you recall!

-Maybe just a little slip.

-Don't you have to go?

At this point in the game, I might as well have a little drink.

You tell me that we didn't both agree on this!

Calm down, Penelope, this is going nowhere.

Who said not to touch the cobbler this morning?

Who said we should leave some for the Cowans? Who said that?!

That was very nice of you.

What's that got to do with anything?

What do you mean, what's that to do with anything?

-Guests are guests.

-You're lying, you're lying!

You know, my wife actually had to drag me here today.

When you grow up with a certain John Wayne idea of manhood,

the impulse in this kind of situation is not to talk it through.

-I thought the role model was Ivanhoe.

-Same basic concept.

-Another aspect.

-Another aspect!

Just how much are you going to humiliate yourself?

I can see I dragged HIM here for nothing.

What did you expect, Doodle? That IS a ridiculous nickname.

Some revelation about universal values? This scotch is unbelievable.

Right? See that? 18 years old, single malt,

from a little place in Scotland still grows their own barley.

What about the tulips? Who got them?

All I said was, "Boy, it's too bad we didn't get any tulips."

I didn't say anything about going all the way up to Henry Street at dawn.

Don't get all bent out of shape over this, Penelope, it's not worth it.

HE got the tulips! Him and only him!

WE don't get a drink, huh?

Penelope and I would like a drink too.

Pretty funny when you think about it.

A devotee of Ivanhoe and John Wayne

but he's scared to pick up an itty-bitty mouse.

-Stop it with the hamster. Stop.

-She's right, it's laughable.

-And hers?

-I don't think that will be necessary.

-Pour me a drink, Michael.

-No.

-Michael...

-No!

What is wrong with you, Michael?

Fine, fine. Drink. What does it matter?

Is drinking bad for you or something?

No, no, it's great for me.

SHE SOBS

Now, I don't know...

-Mr Cowan...

-Alan.

Alan...

See, you and I didn't exactly hit it off.

I live with a man who has decided

once and for all that life is synonymous with mediocrity.

It's very hard to live with a man

who's walled himself inside that idea,

who doesn't want to change anything,

who doesn't get excited about anything...

What are you telling them this for? He could care less.

You have to believe, you have to believe in some possible correction.

He's the last guy on earth you should be telling this to.

I'll talk to anybody I damn well please!

-PHONE RINGS

-Who the fuck is that now?

Hi, Ma.

He's fine. He got his teeth knocked out but he's fine.

He's in pain, it hurts, but it'll pass.

Ma, I told you I have company. I'll call you back, remember?

Yeah, bye.

-He's still in pain?

-No.

Then, why do you worry your mother?

He has to worry her, he can't help himself.

OK, Penelope, that's enough. What is this drama-queen bullshit?

Penelope, nobody cares about anything outside himself.

Sure, we'd all like to believe in some kind of possible correction,

one we could author ourselves,

completely free of selfish consideration.

Like you're writing this book on Darfur...

Which I think is great!

I understand how you might say, "OK, I'll pick a massacre,

"history is full of them, and I'm going to write a book."

Everybody has to save himself somehow.

I'm not writing this book to save myself.

You haven't read it, you don't even know what's in it!

Whatever.

My God, the odour of Kronos is killing me.

-It fucking reeks!

-You didn't exactly skimp.

-I'm so sorry.

-It's my fault. I sprayed like a madwoman.

You know...

Why can't things be easier?

Why does everything have to be so exhausting?

You think too much. Women think too much.

THERE'S an original response(!)

I don't know what that means, to think too much.

And I don't understand how you can go on living

with no moral sense of the world.

Look at me, I'M living!

Michael, shut up.

Miserable complicity! Just disgusting.

What happened to your sense of humour?

-I don't have a sense of humour, and I don't want one.

-If you ask me,

the couple is the worst ordeal God ever inflicted on us.

Ah, marvellous.

The couple and the family.

No-one is forcing you to air this in front of us, Michael.

And I might add, it's a little indecent.

-That doesn't bother him.

-You agree with me, don't you?

Look, this is all... beside the point.

-Alan, say something.

-He has a right to his ideas.

-That doesn't mean he has to advertise them.

-Yeah, maybe.

We don't care about their marriage.

We're here about a problem with the kids. We don't care about their marriage.

-Yes, except...

-Except what?

-It's related.

Of course it's related.

Ethan's getting two of his teeth broken is related to our marriage?

-Of course it is.

-Sorry, I don't follow you.

Take a step back and look at the situation we're in.

Children suck the life out of you and leave you old and empty.

That's the law of nature.

You see these young couples laughing all the way to the altar.

You think, "They don't know." Poor fuckers have no idea.

They're happy. Nobody tells you about THIS stuff in the beginning.

I got this army buddy of mine,

going to have a kid with his new girlfriend.

I say to him, "A kid at OUR age? What are you, stupid?"

"You got ten, fifteen good years left

"before you get cancer or have a stroke,

"and you're going to saddle yourself with a fucking kid?"

-That's not really what you think.

-Yes, it is.

Of course it is. I think even worse.

Yeah, you're debasing yourself, Michael.

-HE LAUGHS

-Is that right?

Stop crying, Penelope.

Only makes it worse.

Of course, of course.

-Excellent, isn't it?

-So excellent.

-Could I interest you in a cigar?

-No cigars in the house!

-Too bad.

-WHat, you're going to smoke a cigar now, Alan?

I do what I want, Nancy. If I want to smoke a cigar, I smoke a cigar.

I won't smoke it because I don't want to upset Penelope,

who's already on edge, to put it mildly.

Oh, quit sniffling like that, she's right.

When women cry, men are pushed to their breaking point.

Although unfortunately, I must say

-that Michael's point of view is completely justified.

-PHONE VIBRATES

Yeah.

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Put "New York" and a specific time of day.

It's unbearable!

The time you send it. It has to be hot off the press.

No, not "questions" - "deplores". "Questions" is wishy-washy.

I live with this night and day.

-One second.

-Our lives are chopped up by the cellphone.

-Nancy, this is very important.

-It's always very important.

What's happening somewhere else is always more important.

Not "strategy". "Scheme".

"A scheme surfacing two weeks from the company's posting," etc.

In the street. At the dinner table. Everywhere.

"A study" in quotes. Put the word "study" in quotes.

I don't even protest anymore. Unconditional surrender.

-I feel like I'm going to vomit again.

-Where's that bucket?

How am I supposed to know?

Then, just quote me.

-Can you stand over the bucket, please?

-Pen!

What?! We're already set up to handle this now.

According to TW Pharma attorney Alan Cowan.

AP, Reuters, major newspapers, trade journals, the whole shebang.

-What's wrong?

-She's going to throw up again.

-You're so caring, it's touching.

-I'm worried.

I didn't get that, my mistake.

Oh, come on, Nancy, will you? You and I don't have to do this.

Their marriage is going downhill,

we don't have to try to compete with them.

What gives you the right to say our marriage is going downhill?

What gives you the right?

PHONE VIBRATES

Yeah, Walter.

Yeah, I just had it read back. They're sending it over to you.

Manipulation. Manipulation of the stock price.

Walter, I'll call you back in a minute.

-I didn't say it. Steven did.

-Michael.

HE SNIGGERS

-I won't let you judge our family.

-Then, don't judge our son either.

That's different! Your son brutalised our son!

They're young, they're kids - kids roughhouse in the playground.

Always have, always will, it's a rule of nature.

-No, it isn't!

-Sure it is.

It takes a little education to substitute the rule of law for violence.

The origin of law, as you, of course, know, is brute force.

Maybe if you're a cavemen, but not in this world.

-Tell me about this world!

-Boring! This conversation is boring.

Penelope, I believe in the god of carnage.

The god whose rule has been unchallenged since time immemorial.

You're interested in Africa, right?

-NANCY VOMITS

-What's the matter?

-Don't worry about me.

-Nancy!

-I'm just fine.

See, I just got back from the Congo.

They got kids there, trained to kill at the age of eight.

In the course of their childhood, they might kill hundreds of people.

They kill with a machete, a shotgun, a Kalash, a thumper.

So obviously, when my kid busts some other kid's tooth, even two teeth,

with a bamboo switch by the sandbox,

I'm not quite as shocked and indignant as you are.

-Well, you should be.

-Thumper.

-That's why they call a grenade launcher.

-That's what

-I

-call it.

-You all right?

-Just fine.

-What's wrong with her?

-It's bile, it's nothing.

Don't you tell me about Africa! I know all about suffering in Africa.

I don't doubt it.

That's all I've been thinking about for months!

Don't get her started on this, please!

-You know I'm actually starting to like you.

-Shut up!

Talk about commitment to world peace and stability!

Shut the fuck up, Michael!

-Are you sure about that?

-Very sure. Do me some good.

We live in New York. We don't live in Kinshasa! We live in New York City!

With the customs of western society.

So what happens in a Brooklyn playground is about western values!

To which, like it or not, I happen to subscribe.

Beating your husband must be one of those customs, then, huh?

-I'm warning you, Michael!

-She was all over you like a bad rash!

If I were you, it would melt my heart.

He's making fun of you, do you believe it?

I don't care about this...

No, really. Morally, you're supposed to overcome your impulses

but there are times you don't want to overcome them.

I mean, who wants to say a "Hail Mary" when having sex?

-Can you buy this scotch around here?

-This one, not very likely, no.

Thumper!

-Thumper, really?

-Yeah. Thumper.

That's what it's called.

-Why don't you just say grenade launcher?

-Because that's a term.

Just like they say "Kalash" and not Kalashnikov or AK-47.

-Who is "they"?

-That's enough, Nancy, that's enough.

Hotshot firebrands like my husband, you got to understand,

it's hard for them to get excited about what happens down the block.

Exactly.

I don't see why. I don't see why.

We're all citizens of the world.

I don't see why we shouldn't have some sense of community.

Penelope, enough with the highfalutin claptrap!

Ugh! I'm going to kill him. PHONE VIBRATES

Yeah?

She's right! It's unbearable after a while.

"Brazen". A brazen attempt to... There you go.

He signed off on the rest?

Sure.

What were we talking about? Thumpers?

We were saying that, despite my husband thinks,

whether it happens here or the other side of the world,

we all have to be collectively concerned.

"Collectively concerned".

Nancy, it's absurd to drink in your condition.

WHAT condition? I'm perfect.

-Now, that's interesting...

-PHONE VIBRATES

Yeah?

No, no interviews before we get this release out.

Mr Cowan, can you please put an end to this nerve-racking conversation?

The stockholders won't give a shit. The stockholders...

Nancy, what are you... Are you out of your fucking mind?

There.

Shit!

-Oh, my god.

-Way to go!

NANCY LAUGHS

-The blow-dryer!

-What is wrong with you?

I got everything in there.

It was brand new, I spent hours setting it up!

I can't believe you did that. That was an irresponsible thing to do.

My whole life was in there!

His whole life...!

Here.

I'm going to take the SIM card and battery out. How do I do that?

I just got it, I don't know!

They think it's funny, they think it's funny!

Penelope, it's not funny!

My husband has spent the entire afternoon drying things!

-Forget it. It's over.

-You gotta wait.

-It's over.

You want to use the phone?

I must say...

What...? What must you say, Michael?

No, I don't even know what to say.

I'd say it feels better like this.

I'd say it feels better like this, wouldn't you?

Men get so attached to their toys.

It diminishes them. They lose their credibility.

I dated this guy once and then I saw him carrying this rectangular bag

with a shoulder strap.

A man's bag, with a shoulder strap! It was over!

A bag with a shoulder strap, that's the worst.

But the cellphone always at his fingertips - that's the worst, too.

A man should have both hands free.

Both hands free.

I've got a John Wayne idea of manhood, too.

What was it he had? A Colt 45. Something that empties a room...

Any man that doesn't give off those loner vibes

just doesn't come off as having any substance.

So, Michael, I guess you are happy now.

Our "touchy-feely" whatever you said is coming apart at the seams.

But you know what? This almost feels good.

In my opinion.

Yeah, well in my opinion,

some people can handle their liquor better than others.

-I'm as normal as can be.

-Yeah, right.

I'm beginning to see things with a pleasant serenity.

-That's good!

-"A pleasant serenity"!

I don't know why you're wasting yourself right out in the open, Darjeeling.

-Shut the hell up.

-Alan, relax.

-No cigars in the house!

-Hoyo de Monterrey.

Partagas D No. 4, you got your Hoyo Coronations.

-Where did you get these?

-You don't want to know.

-Seriously.

-The Spanish connection.

My cookware guy is going out with a flight attendant.

Brings home two boxes a week.

You can't smoke in a house with an asthmatic child!

And why are you telling him your whole life story?

-Who has asthma?

-Our son.

We had a goddamn hamster, didn't we?

That's true - pets aren't good when you're asthmatic.

-Not good at all!

-Even goldfish aren't necessarily recommended.

Do I have to listen to this crap?

I guess I'm the only one that doesn't see things with pleasant serenity.

The truth is, I've never been so unhappy.

This is the unhappiest day of my life.

You're an unhappy drunk.

Michael, every word out of your mouth just slays me.

I don't get drunk.

I had a couple of sips of your shitty 18-year old single malt

that you trot out like it's the 18th Wonder of the World.

I don't get drunk, and believe me, I wish I could.

I wish I could just drown

every last sorrow in a good stiff drink.

My husband is unhappy, too.

Look at him. All hunched over, like he was left on the side of the road.

I think this is the unhappiest day of his life, too.

-It is!

-I'm sorry, Doodle.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-PHONE KEEPS RINGING

Hello?

Mom! I told you I have company, remember?

Because it's medication that can kill you! It's poison!

Mom, there's someone here who can explain.

-Here! Tell her!

-Tell her what?

Tell her what you know about that poisonous shit of yours.

What can he tell her? HE doesn't know anything.

Hello, ma'am, how are you?

No...

Are you in pain?

Yeah...the operation will fix that.

Oh, the other leg too, huh?

No, I'm not an orthopaedist. ..She keeps calling me Doctor.

Doctor, what a laugh! Hang up!

Yeah!

Do you have any balance issues?

No, of course not, not at all. It can't kill you.

Don't listen to what people say.

Still, it might be a good idea not to take it for a while.

Just until this operation is behind you.

Yes, sounds like you're in excellent shape.

You got that, Ma? You stop taking that medication!

Do as you're told, all right? I love you.

I can't take her anymore.

-The shit I put up with.

-All right, should we wrap this up?

Should I come back tonight with Zachary? Let's decide.