Distant Voices, Still Lives

This film contains some violent scenes and some strong language.

RUMBLE OF THUNDER

HEAVY RAIN

ANNOUNCER: 'The shipping forecast for today and tonight

'Iceland, Bailey, Faeroes -

'Fresh or strong southwest winds, with gales in North Iceland, at first.

'Occasional showers with snow in the north.

'Visibility otherwise good.

'Fair Isle, Cromarty, Forties -

'South-southwest gales spreading from the west with rain

'and moderate or poor visibility.

'Shannon, Irish Sea, Fastnet, Lundy, Sole -

'Fresh or strong...' It's seven o'clock, you three.

'..occasional rain or drizzle,

'visibility becoming moderate or poor with some fog banks.

'Plymouth, Portland, Wight, Dover, Thames, Humber, Heligoland, East Dogger -

'Light or moderate...' Eileen? Tony? Maisie?

You'd better get your skates on.

'..apart from coastal fog or mist patches morning and night...'

DESCENDING FOOTSTEPS

Morning, Mam. Tony, are those two sisters of yours up yet?

Yeah, they're just coming down.

FOOTSTEPS

Oh, hiya, Mam. Morning, Maisie.

Morning, Mam. Morning, honey.

Nervous, love? A bit.

Have a cuppa and a ciggie.

WOMAN SINGS: # I get the blues When it's raining

# The blues I can't lose When it rains

# Now each little raindrop

# Falls on my window pane

# Reminds me of the tears I shed

# The tears were all in vain

# So I sit and wait for The sun to shine

# To shine all my blues away

# It rained when I met you

# And it rained when I lost you

# So I get the blues when it rains. #

JESSYE NORMAN SINGS: # There's a man

# Going round

# Taking names

# There's a man

# Going round

# Taking names

# He has taken my father's name

# And he's left my heart in pain

# There's a man

# Going round

# Taking names

# Oh-oh Death is that man taking names

# Oh-oh Death is that man taking names

# He has taken my brother's name

# And he's left my heart in pain

# There's a man going round

# Taking names

# There's a man

# Going round

# Taking names. #

I wish me dad was here.

SHE THINKS: 'I don't. He was a bastard and I bleedin' hated him.

'Can I have the money to go to the dance?

DAD: 'You get that cellar done. Never mind bleedin' dances.

'But Dad, there's rats down there. I'm terrified of rats.

DAD: 'No cellar, no dance.'

Can I go to the dance, Dad?

Thanks. You're just like your Auntie May!

Aaah! And she was no bleedin' good!

SHE SCREAMS

I don't half wish me dad was here.

RUMBLE OF THUNDER

Come out and fight me, you bastard!

Come out and fight!

Come out and fight me, you bastard!

You bastard! Come out and fight!

Will you have a drink with me, Dad?

No.

Have a drink with him, Tommy.

Please.

I said... no.

Tuppence,

that's all I've got.

But I wouldn't give you daylight.

Come on, you little bastard!

Come on! Get in that van. Get in that van!

ENGINE STARTS

Are you ready, Ei?

Here goes.

LABOURED BREATHING

WOMAN: Ah, he was all right, your dad.

EILEEN: You were the only one who could get round him.

WOMAN: What'll you give us for them, Mr D?

Micky, there your dad's working boots

I know, but we've just got to have five bob.

What for? Oh, Dad, we've just got to go to the dance.

I don't know.

You two are bleedin' dance mad.

Oh, go on, Mr D.

Just five bob. Don't be snidey.

All right.

I'll lend you the money.

But take the boots back home. OK?

Oh, thanks, Mr D, you're a pal. Thanks, Dad.

And be back here by 11.

Bleedin' dance mad.

How are we fixed for a few ciggies, Mr D? Out!

DAD: Eileen! It's nearly 11 o'clock

OK, Dad. Just one last ciggie, Mr D.

I'll be in in a minute, Dad.

You'll get me hung, you will.

Isn't it terrible the way we've got to be in by 11 o'clock.

I know. It's worse than Alcatraz, isn't it?

DAD: Eileen! I won't tell you twice.

Just a few more minutes, Mr D, and she'll be in, honest.

Make sure it is only a few more minutes an' all.

I'm sure I'm getting a brain tumour.

Oh, Micky, behave, you're healthier than I am.

No, honest, kid. Me head's been banging for days.

Eileen! What bleedin' time do you call this? Blimey.

I'm coming, Dad, I'm coming.

BOTH: See you, kid.

Look what he's bought me.

It's Chanel No.5.

I know

Oh.

Isn't that dead romantic?

Before you are joined in matrimony, I have to remind both of you

of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make.

This marriage is the union of one man with one woman

freely entered into, for life, to the exclusion of all others.

CHEERING

Ah!

GIGGLING In you come, Maisie.

LAUGHTER

PHOTOGRAPHER: Smile!

ALL: # Oh, oh Oh, what a gal

# There's none so classy As my fair lassie

# Oh, oh Oh, holy Moses, what a chassis

# She went riding She didn't fall

# From the country I was the one who had to walk

# If you knew Susie like I know Susie Oh, oh what a gal! #

# My Yiddisher momma

MAN: Eh! No. Order, now.

# I miss her more than ever now

Go on, Maisie. Go on.

# My Yiddisher momma

# I long to kiss her wrinkled brow

# I long to hold her hand

# As I did in days gone by

# And say I'm sorry

# For everything that made you cry

# How few were her pleasures... #

SHE SOBS

I want me dad.

I want me dad!

AGONISED SOBBING

A CAPPELLA FEMALE VOICE: # In the bleak midwinter

# Frosty wind made moan

# Earth stood hard as iron

# Water like a stone

# Snow had fallen, snow on snow

# Snow on snow

# In the bleak midwinter

# Long

# Ago

CHOIR: # Our God Heaven cannot hold Him

# Nor earth sustain

# Heaven and earth shall flee away

# When He comes to reign

# In the bleak midwinter

# A stable place sufficed

# The Lord God Almighty

# Jesus Christ... #

Say good night to your dad, kids. ALL: Good night, Dad.

Good night, kids.

CHILDREN GIGGLE

# What can I give Him

# Woeful as I am?

# If I were a shepherd

# I would bring a lamb

# If I were a wise man... #

God bless, kids.

# I would do my part

# Yet what can I give Him?

# Give

# My heart

# Give

# My heart. #

Nellie!

Clean it up!

LABOURED BREATHING

DOOR SLAMS, KEYS JANGLE

DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS

MAN: Play Limelight, Scouse.

HE PLAYS

MAN: That's it, Scouse. Gie us a tune.

PLAYING CONTINUES

It was Schmeling, Scouse. You're wrong. Schmeling never won the title.

The heavyweight champions were:

Jack Sharkey, Primo Carnera,

Braddock, Baer

No, I tell a lie, Baer then Braddock.

And then Joe Louis, who held that title till

1948 from 1937.

Come on, Scouse.

ALL: # It takes a worried man To sing a worried song

# It takes a worried man To sing a worried song

# I'm worried now But I won't be worried long. #

Thanks for coming home, son.

I got compassionate leave, Mam.

Was...

..wrong

lad.

OK, Dad.

OK.

# So wherever she may be

# Go bring her back to me

# Roll along

# Kentucky moon. #

More band!

Whoopie!

# I like pickled onions I like pickled cabbage

# Piccalilli is all right with a bit of cold meat on a Sunday night

# I like Tommy-a-toes But the best thing... #

Your gran's in fine fettle. Just come back from the Isle of Man.

She should have stayed there, the old cow. She's just like me dad and I bleedin' hate her.

Whoopie! More bleeding punch!

GIRL, QUIETLY: Don't fall, Mam. Please don't fall.

Why did you marry him, Mam?

He was nice.

He was a good dancer

ELLA FITZGERALD: # Here I go again

# I hear those trumpets blow again

# All aglow again

# Taking a chance on love

# Here I slide again

# About to take that ride again

# Starry-eyed again...#

No! Never be like that! No! Tommy, no!

Tommy, no! Please, Tommy! Oh, Tommy, no!

Shut up. Shut up!

Aaah! Shut up, shut up!

SHE SHRIEKS Shut up!

# I never would try

# But now I'm taking the game up

SHE SOBS

# And the ace of hearts is high

# Things are mending now

# I see a rainbow blending now

# We'll have a happy ending now

# Taking a chance on love. #

If anything happens to my mum,

I'll bleedin' kill you.

TONY: Go on, Maisie, give us Barefoot Days.

# Barefoot days

# When we were just a couple of kids

# Barefoot days

# And all the things we did

ALL: # We'd go down to a shady nook

# Use a bent pin for a hook

# And we'd fish all day We'd fish all night

# But the goddamn fish Refused to bite

# And then we'd slide Down someone's backyard door

# Slide and slide Till our pants was tore

# Then we'd have to go home We'd have to go to bed

# While our mother got busy with the needle and thread

# Oh, boy What joy we had in barefoot days. #

Make sure there's room in there.

AIR-RAID SIREN

Tommy, where are the kids? Where are the kids?

SIREN CONTINUES

DRONE OF AEROPLANE

BOMBS WHISTLE AND FALL

Come in. Come in.

Where the bleedin' hell have you been?

They're getting closer! They're going to bomb us!

Sing, Eileen.

Sing.

DRONE OF AEROPLANE ENGINE HESITANTLY: # Roll out the barrel

# We'll have a barrel of fun

DISTANT EXPLOSIONS

OTHERS JOIN IN HESITANTLY # Roll out the barrel

# We've got the blues on the run

# Zing boom tararrel

# We'll have a song of good cheer

# Now's the time to roll the barrel

# Cos the gang's all here. #

How are you, Ei?

OK, Mam.

What's scarlet fever, Mam?

It's scarlatina, love.

Scarlatina.

Where's our Tony, Mam?

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Why can't I come in, Dad?

There's no place for you here.

Frig off!

DOG BARKS

Can I stay here, Gran? You can have the sofa.

GIRLS: If I should die before I wake, pray the Lord my soul to take.

God bless Mother, God bless Father, and keep them safe.

If you look into a mirror after midnight...

..you'll see the devil.

# Oh, when Irish eyes are smiling

# All the world is bright and gay

# In the lilt of Irish laughter

# When Irish hearts are happy

# All the world is bright and gay

# In the lilt Of Irish laughter

HE WHISTLES MELODY

# When Irish hearts are happy

CONTINUES WHISTLING

BOTH: R-A-G-M-O-P-P-P. Ragmop!

BOTH: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Ragmop!

God! Isn't it hot?

I'm sweating past meself.

Oh, here's Red.

Oh, God, that's all I need.

Aw, he's harmless.

Hiya, Mick.

Die!

Oh, what you're throwing away.

God help him, poor gobshite.

Do you remember Formby? And that tent?

Oh, cor blimey.

MICKY: I never. You did

I never.

You did. I never.

You did fart!

SHE GROANS

I never.

I thought you'd killed her, you know, Micky. I know. So did I.

When I think about it, I was a real cow with that mallet, wasn't I?

Do you ever see Jingles? No. Not since she married Les.

# 'S wonderful!

BOTH: # 'S marvellous! #

Jingles, you came!

ALL: # They tried to sell us Egg foo yung! #

So, how are you, kid? Smashing.

Are you still married? Oh, God, yeah.

Two kids and a radiogram to support.

You haven't altered, Ei. Still not a pick on you. Still eight stone soaking wet.

How do you do it? Witchcraft!

Look at the size of me! I'm in a worse state than Russia

LAUGHTER

Do you know who I saw in The Swan last week? Who? Jackie McGorrie.

Did you? Remember when...

MUSIC DROWNS CONVERSATION # Cos I love you that's why... #

# Whoa, it's Saturday

# That's why. Yeah, it's Saturday

# Cos I love you that's why

Oh, kiss me, you fool.

# That's why, that's why that's why... #

KNOCK AT DOOR That's him.

Bet he's come in a taxi.

Well, you know these seamen. Money's no object.

I've signed meself out of hospital.

I've walked home.

He's gone.

My Tommy's gone.

Won't you say ta-ra, Dad?

I'm only going for the season.

Do you know what?

If I ever get a gun, I'll blow your bleedin' brains out.

Ta-ra, Mam!

Bye, love!

Don't forget to write, now, will you?

Have a ciggie, kid.

# I put a nickel in the telephone

# To dial my baby's number Got a brr-brr-brr-brr busy line. #

Pwllheli, here we come!

GENERAL CHATTER

INAUDIBLE

Yes, please.

INAUDIBLE

MAM: Please come home, Ei Your dad's really ill.

MICKY: # East is east and West is west

# And the wrong one I have chose

# Let's go where they keep on wearin'

# Those rings and things and Buttons and bows

# Flowers and frills and Buttons and bows

# Don't bury me in this prairie

# Take me where the cement grows

# Let's get down to some big town

# Where they judge a gal by the cut of her clothes

# And you'll stand out in Buttons and bows

# I love you in buck skin

# Or the skirts that you've homespun

# But I'll love you longer, stronger Where your friends don't tote a gun

# My bones denounce The buckboard bounce

# And the cactus hurts my toes

Let's vamoose where gals keep usin'

# Those silks and satins And linen that shows

# And you're all mine In buttons and bows

# Gimme Eastern trimmin' where women are women

# In high-silk hose And peek-a-boo clothes

# And French perfume that rocks the room

# And you're all mine

GIRLS TAKE A DEEP BREATH # Bows! #

Well, Ei

You're well and truly married now.

Yes.

But I don't feel any different, Maisie.

I don't FEEL any different.

Don't be worrying. You'll be all right.

MAM: They soon grow up.

Maisie is engaged to George Roughley

and I don't think it'll be long before our Tony marries Rosie Forsyth.

SHE SIGHS

I'll leave the place till morning.

SOPRANO: # Ah ah Ah ah ah ah

# Aah aah aah Aah aah aah

# Aah aah aah Aah aah aah aah

# Aah aah Aah aah aah aah

# Aah aah Aah aah aah aah aah

# Aah aah aah Aah aah aah

# Aah aah aah Aah aah aah... #

MAM: I love the light nights.

MAISIE: But they're starting to draw in now, aren't they Mam?

Yeah RUMBLE OF THUNDER

DAD: Nellie?

Nellie!

Nell!

EILEEN: Sorry about the mess, Mam.

Go on you're all right I'll see to it

Ah thanks, Mam. MICKY: See you, Mrs D. Ta-ra

MAM: Enjoy yourselves.

LES: You're married now! I'm your husband!

Your duty's to me! Frig everyone else!

Monica. Jingles. That's all ancient history now.

SHE SOBS QUIETLY

MAM: Come on. Up the dancers.

CHILDREN GIGGLE

MAM: How much do you love me? CHILDREN: A pound of sugar!

MAM: # Hush a bowee, hush a bow

# Hush-a-bowee hush-a-bow

TONY: Good night, Ma-sy.

MAM: Good night, son.

The Sandman is coming.

How much do you love me?

CHOIR: # Of one that is So fair and bright

# Velut maris stella

# Brighter than the day is light

# Parens et puella I cry to thee... #

WOMAN CRIES OUT

# Thou see to me

# Lady, Pray thy Son for me WOMAN SCREAMS

# Tam pia

# That I may come to thee

SHE SCREAMS

# Maria

What do you ask of the Church of God?

PARENTS AND GODPARENTS: Faith.

And what does faith hold out to you?

Life everlasting.

Do you renounce Satan? I do renounce him.

And all his works? I do renounce them.

And all his pomps? I do renounce them.

Are you willing to be baptised? I am willing.

Elaine,

ego te baptiso

in nomine Patris

et Filii

et Spiritus Sancti.

Amen. ALL: Amen.

BABY CRIES

RADIO: 'It's 12 o'clock and for those of you

'with friends and relatives in Germany,

'here's Jean Metcalfe on your behalf taking over for Two-Way Family Favourites.

JEAN METCALFE: 'Hello, everyone.'

DICKIE VALENTINE: # Someone broke into my heart

# And stole a beat or two

# The finger of suspicion Points at you

BABY GURGLES

# Someone took away my sleep And never left a clue

# The finger of suspicion Points at you

# Just as soon as they can make The guilty one confess

# I know exactly what I'm going to do... #

FANFARE

BILL COTTON: 'Wakey! Way-kee!'

THEME TUNE

'Good afternoon, everybody. This is Billy Cotton introducing another Billy Cotton Band Show.

'Hey you! You down there with the glasses

'Meanwhile for those who can't read here is a sort of radio show which is Beyond Our Ken.

'Among those taking part are Wheelwright Amberley Grotefield, Mrs Nift

'The House of Commons yo-yo team... HE CHUCKLES

'George and Lily Brisket, sisters with a difference LAUGHTER

'Coloratura soprano Mildred Gas Stove.

KENNETH WILLIAMS: 'Bet she's got a good range!

HE LAUGHS

'To continue...

'..you might have been listening to or have just missed Beyond Our Ken...'

Could you make us a Lemon Dash, Tony?

'..and also to Kenneth Williams, Hugh Paddick, Betty Marsden, Bill Pertwee...'

# There once was a little princess

# A sweet little lady, I guess

# Her birthday was near So I'd like you to hear

# Of the story of the Little Princess. #

SHE KNOCKS

# You dreamboat

# You lovable dreamboat

# The kisses you gave me

# Set my dreams afloat. #

Maisie!

# I would sail

# The seven seas with you

# Even if you told me to go And paddle my own canoe

# Sincerely I love you so dearly

# Say that you'll be mine forevermore. #

Have you come to mind the baby, Doreen?

Yeah. Come in then, love.

# Brown-skin girl Stay home and mind baby

# Oh, I killed nobody but my husband

ALL: He's stone-cold dead In the market

# He's stone-cold dead in the market

# Oh, I killed nobody but my husband

# Brown-skin girl, stay home And mind baby

# I'm going away on a Harrison boat

# And if I don't come back

# Stay home and mind The baby! #

ALL: # Oh, my what a rotten song What a rotten song what a rotten song

A rum an black, a shandy,

a black and tan, pint of mild, pint of bitter,

pint of mixed. Thanks, love.

Hello, George. We've come to wet the baby's head.

Hiya, Rose. What's it like being a dad, eh? Made up.

What are yous having?

# When that old gang of mine

# Get together

# On the corner of my home town

# We were friends in the past

# And our friendship will last

# Till the curtain of dreams comes down

# When that old gang of mine... #

MAM: I borrow 25 pounds from the Lehigh & Lend every Christmas

then pay it back over the next 12 months.

It's like a tontine, really.

Royal Liver. MAM: Come in, Mr Spaull.

Can I surrender the policies on the two girls, Mr Spaull?

Certainly, Mrs Davies.

You've had these some time now, haven't you?

Since they were babies.

But as they're both married now, there's no point in keeping them on.

All right, Mrs Davies. I'll take them into the office for you.

Thanks, Mr Spaull.

Ta-ra. See you next week.

Tony? Yeah?

I'm just running to confession. Will you pay the club man for me if he comes? OK, Mam.

ALL: # That old gang of mine

# Gets together

# Well, there's never a care

# Or a frown

# We will sing Sweet Adeline

# Say goodbye to Auld Lang Syne

# On the corner

# Of my home town. #

And how much did she weigh? Just over seven pounds.

She was a big baby, wasn't she? Yeah.

Did you have her at Mill Road? Yeah, on the 6th.

What have you called her? Elaine.

Aw, God love her. How do you like being a gran, Mrs D?

I wouldn't be without her. Well, she's me first.

Well Maisie, I'd better be making tracks. Thanks for coming, Margie.

I'll see you. See you, Maisie.

See you, Mrs D. Ta-ra, love.

You've known Margie for some years now.

Yeah we've all been mates since school.

Margie, meself and Vera Large.

Vera's a nice girl, isn't she? Aw, smashing.

Maisie Davies, you dirty mare. Oh, hiya, Micky.

Hiya Mrs D. You're looking well, Mick.

I know. The face that launched a thousand ships.

The other way. That's wicked, that.

Being married to you. No wonder me poor face is destroyed.

If I'd played me cards right I'd be in America now.

Remember that Yank I went out with, Mrs D? He thought I had lovely eyes.

BOTH: Hated the rest of me, but thought I had lovely eyes!

And I end up by falling for a dwarf. There's no justice you know, is there?

# Chocolate eyes Those great big chocolate eyes! #

Get your hands off my body.

You have only got one tonsil, but I love you all the same.

Don't make mock of Mick, bastard!

Now, you know you love the bones of him, really.

Oh-oh-oh! The walking hormone? Oh, you fool!

A pound a man, is it? DAVE: 'Ere Mick. Sit here.

Thanks, Dave.

Go the match yesterday? Oh, you're not talking about football again?

Behave, will you? Football mad.

Aren't they all? Look at that thing I'm married to.

He gets more worked up over a set of fixtures than me in me nude.

Do you know what? If I was a centre forward, I'd be laughing.

What are you having, blossom? A rum and pep, love.

And then you. He should be so lucky!

Eh, Dave, will you get us some ciggies?

Craven A? Or Park Drive. OK.

What's your poison, Red? Bitter, thanks, Dave.

RADIO: 'The League Division One:

'Birmingham City three, Manchester City three.

'Fulham three, West Bromwich Albion two.

'Preston North End two, Blackpool three.

'Everton two, West Ham United nil.

'Leicester City nil, Leeds United two.

'Manchester United three, Nottingham Forest one.

'Division Two: Brighton...'

EILEEN: Any luck?

No, I couldn't pick me nose. 'Charlton Athletic nil ...'

If you want me, I'll either be at May Tobin's or at The Grapes.

In Phythian Street?

Yeah.

Eh, Gran! Have you got a shilling for two tanners?

There's enough money in the meter.

She never haves enough gas and the bleedin' thing always goes.

MAM: Well...

Here you are, love. I've got one.

No.

Thanks, Mam.

Isn't she an old cow?

How can you live with her, Ei?

Beggars can't be choosers, Maisie. You know how hard it is to get a place of your own.

ELAINE GURGLES

Did you get anything for a sarnie, love?

Yeah, I got a quarter of corned beef and a loaf.

Oh, and four Devon Delights.

I've just made a pot of tea.

Has she been good, Mam? Good as gold.

RADIO: 'And it's Come To Daddy, striding away now towards the line, Seascape in second place,

'Bali Hai is third and these are well clear of the remainder, All Serene running into fourth place.

'But Come To Daddy is the winner. Seascape is second, Bali Hai is third and fourth All Serene.

'And so the result of the 1959 Cesarewitch is first, Come to Daddy,

'owned by Mr TH Farr, trained by Wilfred Lyde and ridden by Doug Smith.

'Second was Seascape, owned by Mr Jim Jewell, trained by Jed Leader

'and ridden by claiming apprentice Ron Singer

'And third was Bali Hai...' EILEEN: Were back!

Any pea whack, Mam? Yeah, I've made a pan.

Did you back the winner? The donkeys I do?

It had three legs. It's probably still running.

Your tea's in the oven, son.

Are you going to come and have yours, Mam? I'll be in in a minute lad.

OK, Mam.

# She was a girl and the only girl Her daddy ever had

# A real old-fashioned girl With eyes so true

# I could love nobody else but you Oh-oh-oh, I want a girl

# Just like the girl That married dear old dad. #

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Did you enjoy it? Yeah, very much.

CHATTER DROWNS CONVERSATION

Come on, Les, just one drink. All right, just one, to wet the baby's head.

But we're not staying here all fucking night. OK, Les, OK.

INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

Hiya. Hello, love.

Hiya, Les, mate. Having a bevvy or what?

A pint of bitter, and a gin and orange for her.

I've got it. I've got it.

So, how's it going, Red?

WOMEN SING: # We're all together again so here we are

# We're all together again so here we are

# And the Lord knows when We'll be together again

# We're all together again so here we are

# I'd give the world To start all over

# Back in the old routine

# To live my life in fields of clover

# Back in the old routine

# Give me an old straw hat and a double truckin'

# Down the avenue. #

Oh, Jingles, don't get so upset

Aw, come on.

No, I'm all right, honest.

It's just Les. You know what he's like when he turns.

The bastard! For two pins, I'd go over there and tell him.

No, don't say anything. They're all the same

When they're not using their big stick, they're farting.

Aren't men horrible?

Eh!

Come on!

Oh you're not going are you, Jingles? I think Les wants to.

But you've only been here five minutes. Come on.

I feel like going over there and bursting him.

I'd better go, Ei. See you, Micky.

Never mind, girl. See you, Tone.

Poor Jingles.

You sit there. It's none of your business. Don't get involved.

You callous bleeder! That's my friend, that.

You men, you're all the bleedin' same. Only think of yourselves.

Don't you tell me what I think. No-one knows what's going on inside my mind.

Including you. Heck, heck! What's going on? Nothing.

You know how she flies off the handle for the least thing. I don't!

I've got good cause to, you shit-house!

Now, come on, we don't want any upset.

EILEEN: OK, Mam. DAVE: OK, Nell.

We're here to enjoy ourselves.

Come on, Micky, give us a song.

# Pack up all my care and woe

# Here I go singing low

# Bye-bye, blackbird. #

Oh, cor blimey! You're not singing again, are you, Mick?

Listen, Bloated Tonsils, just cos you're dead miserable,

it doesn't mean the rest of us

have to look like 'Keep death off the road'.

Judy Garland. In bad health.

Oh, me arse!

# I want to be around

# To pick up the pieces

# When somebody breaks your heart.

Go on, Ei, I love this.

# Somebody twice as smart As I

# I want to be around

# To see how she does it

# When she pulls your heart to bits

# To see how that puzzle fits

# So fine

# And that's when I'll discover That revenge is sweet

# When I'm sitting there Applauding, from that front-row seat

# When somebody breaks your heart

# Like you

# Like you broke mine. #

ALL CLAP Ah, great. Thanks, Ei.

RADIO: 'here, now take that crisis what cropped up between Ron and Eth last Friday.

'And when I say crisis, Ted, I mean it was a real crisis,

'especially as far as Eth was concerned.'

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

ETH: 'Oh, Ron.

'I don't know.

'It seems to have got so much worse these last few weeks.

'Somehow I just can't seem to get you out of my mind day or night.'

DAVE CHOMPS LOUDLY

'You've become a sort of ache.'

Have you got to make that noise when you eat?

What noise?

Cor blimey!

What a future I've got to look forward to.

25 years with Mouth Almighty.

'..You know it's... It's the romantic side with us.

'It's the kissing and the...

'You know!

I've switched the light off.

I don't know whether I'm doing right or wrong.

'How's your precious one?'

LAUGHTER ON RADIO

Who the bleeding hell was that?

Uncle Ted.

Me dad's brother.

God blimey.

What a family I've married into.

A crowd of nutters.

He frightened the bleeding life out of me.

CLOCK CHIMES ON RADIO

This is your storyteller, The Man In Black

Teddy! Stop acting soft.

Norah!

Hey, Norah!

All right, Moggie? How are you?

Can I have two halves of shandy, a Mackie's, a Double Diamond, a pale ale and lime,

er, a Black & Tan, a pint of mix, a rum and Pep, a rum and blackcurrant, and a Guinness?

Oh, and have one for yourself, love. Thanks, Tone.

Nervous, love?

But everybody feels nervous on their wedding day.

ALL: # When Johnny Dunn was 21

# He used to dine at each cafe

# He loved the ladies, so they say

# That's why he dined at each cafe

# His father's got Now what has he got?

#An awful lot

# And that's not good for young Johnny

# When he said, go to work, my son

# What did he say?

# Johnny said I'm having too much fun

# I love the ladies I love the ladies

# I want to be among the girls

# And when it's five o'clock and the tea is set

# I wanna to have my tea with some brunette

# I love the ladies I love the ladies

# I love the tall ones, short ones

# Mm, God bless 'em

# The world can't turn around without a beautiful girl... #

All right, Mam.

RED: Come on, Mick.

In just a minute. I'll finish me drink.

Let me have your glasses please! Mick, come on.

Ignore him.

Come on, Kemo Sabe!

All right, Tonto!

Oh, men! Don't they mither?

Is he still handy around the house? Joking, aren't you? Won't do a tap.

He changed a nappy once. Nearly had a nervous breakdown.

I'd better go, otherwise he'll get a cob on. You're not frightened of him?

Am I shite! He looks at me the wrong way, I give him a dog's life.

Come on, now. Let's have your glasses, please!

ALL: # We're on the road to anywhere

# With never a heartache and never a care

# We've got no home We've got no friends

# We're grateful for everything the good Lord sends

# We're on the road to anywhere... #

ALL TALK AT ONCE

If I was manager of that team, I wouldn't change nothing, nothing.

He hasn't been for three weeks. The man hasn't been for months.

SINGING STOPS

There's room there for improvement.

There's always room for improvement.

Red? Red! ARGUING CONTINUES

See what I mean? Doesn't take a blind bit of notice.

It's like talking to a corpse.

Eh, soft shite!

You said you wanted to go, before.

It's worse than the bleeding Gestapo, this is.

I can have a talk, can't I? Ooh, God help us, it's alive!

Men! The little dears!

So don't be a stranger, otherwise I'll not see you till next Preston Guild.

We're only in Jubilee Drive. You're only ten minutes away.

We'll see.

I'll try and come round.

Or maybe I could come to yours. You're only in Vane Street, aren't you?

Oh, you'd better not, Micky. He's funny about having visitors.

OK.

Then you try and come to me.

We'll see, kid.

Well...

I'd better get Father Feck home.

Come on, Trigger, back to the reservation.

See you, Micky. Ta-ra, lads.

Come on, Ei.

Barney Google! The fellow with the googly eyes.

ALL: # So will I

# Singing I will if you will so will I

# Singing I will if you will

# I will, if you will... #

I have had a ball!

Do you have to shout? You'll wake the dead.

Is that you, Eileen? Oh, God, blimey, you have!

Yeah, it's only me and Dave, Gran. We'll be in in a minute.

I want a wee. Oh, then do it over there and be quick.

SPLASHING

# Up a lazy river

# By the old mill run... #

Oh, suffering Jesus!

That's all we need, you singing.

As if life isn't purgatory enough without that.

# ..That lazy, lazy river

# In the noon-day sun... #

Eileen! It's late!

OK, Gran, we won't be much longer.

Come on, dead hake. Hurry up.

And be quiet!

# A lazy, lazy river

# In the noon-day sun... #

Eileen! Make sure that door's locked

Wouldn't this put years on you?

OK, Gran.

I'm sure I was put on this Earth just to be tormented.

Get in!

# ..Up a lazy river... #

And be careful.

MUSIC: "Love Is A Many-Splendored Thing"

How are you, love?

I fell off the bleeding scaffolding, Maisie.

Oh, George.

George.

SHE SOBS

HARMONICA PLAYS: The Isle Of Innisfree

Oh, Tony.

Oh, son!

Well, are you ready?

Yeah. Fighting fit.

They're dead fiddly, these, aren't they? Yeah.

Get the carnations from Annie Gaffney? Yeah.

There you are.

Well, let's be having you.

Are we all ready?

Well, sun bun, mustn't keep the bride waiting.

No, God blimey. I'd never live it down.

VEHICLE DRIVES OFF

I, Thomas Anthony, take thee, Rose...

I, Thomas Anthony, take thee, Rose...

To my wedded wife.

To have and to hold.

From this day forward.

For better, for worse. ROSE: For better, for worse.

For richer for poorer. For richer, for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

Till death do us part.

And thereto I plight thee my troth. And thereto I plight thee my troth.

Ego conjungo vos in matrimonium.

In nomine Patris et Filii

et Spiritus Sancti.

Amen.

BOTH: Amen.

MAM: # For all you mean to me

# My thanks to you

# For every memory

# My thanks to you

# My thanks for everything we had to share

# For all the joy you brought when you were there

# These foolish words of mine

# Can never say

# How slow the hand of time

# Now you've all gone away

# As years go rolling by

# My whole life through

# I give my love

# And all my thanks

# To you... #

APPLAUSE

# I got into a boxing ring with a fella... #

Dad, you're not going to sing that old bleeding thing?

Come on. Let's have some records

MUSIC: "Oh Mein Papa" by Eddie Calvert

MAISIE: Come on, Mam. GEORGE: Come on, girl.

DAVE: Good night, Nell. MAM: Good night, Dave.

EILEEN: See you tomorrow, Mam.

MAM: OK, Ei.

MUSIC: "O Waly, Waly" by BENJAMIN BRITTEN & PETER PEARS

# The water is wide

# I cannot get o'er

# And neither have I wings to fly

# Give me a boat

# That will carry two

# Then both shall row

# My love and I

# Oh, down in the meadows the other day

# A-gathering flowers both fine and gay

# A-gathering flowers both red and blue

# I little thought

# What love can do

# I leaned my back up against some oak

# Thinking that it was a trusty tree

# But first it bended and then it broke

# And so did my false love to me

# A ship there is and she sails the sea

# She's loaded deep, as deep can be

# But not so deep

# As the love I'm in

# I know not if I sink or swim

# O, love is handsome

# And love is fine

# And love's a jewel

# While it is new

# But when it is old

# It groweth cold

# Then fades away

# Like morning dew. #