The 51st State

This film contains some violent scenes and very strong language.

DOOR OPENS AND KEYS JINGLE

ENGINE STARTS

-MAN:

-Yeah. Heh-heh.

MUSIC: "Them Changes" by Buddy Miles

# Well, my mind is going through them changes

# I feel just like committing a crime

# Every time you see me going somewhere

# I know I'm going out of my mind Yeah

# Oh, my baby, she left me the other day

# And we were having a lot of fun

# Oh, she know I just loved her so

# And that's the reason why she had to run

# It's all right Girl, you're all I need

# It's all right What I say...? #

HE COUGHS

SIREN WAILS

# Well, my mind is going through so many changes

# I'm going right out of my mind

# Every time you see me going somewhere

# I could commit a big old crime. #

I mean, rules are like...arbitrary, you know? Made up for people

who believe in fairy tales, like... You know, like... Like Santa Claus.

Hey, but not us, right? I mean, we know what's important.

There's a war going on, man. A war!

Ain't that a bitch?

HE SUCKS TEETH

I just graduated today, man.

With honours.

Got my degree in... In pharmacology. I'm licensed.

Look, if you write me up on this drug charge,

I won't be able to practise.

So what we're talking about here is my life. The rest of it.

SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH

HE COUGHS

The '60s are over...man.

MUSIC: "Shamrocks And Shenanigans" by House of Pain

# Boom sha lock lock boom!

# Boom sha lock lock boom!

# Boom sha lock lock boom!

# Boom sha lock lock boom!

# I kicks the flava like Stephen King writes horror

# If I was a Jew, then I'd light a menorah

# I got rhymes for ya Excuse me, senora

# Are you a whore, or are you a lady?

# Is it Erica Boyare or Marcia Brady?

# Let me know, hon The deed'll get done

# Just assume the position, I'll take my rod and then I'll go fishing

# I'll get your river flowing

# I'm always in the know when it comes to giving pleasure

# I'm every woman's treasure

# The cartoon boom sha lock lock

# Boom sha lock lock boom!

# Boom sha lock lock boom!

# Boom sha lock lock boom!

# Boom sha lock lock boom!

# Breaker, breaker, here comes the caper... #

MUSIC: " Getcha Ass Up" by Headrillaz Feat Blade

# Blade, Blade, Blade

# Body bag... #

-MAN:

-Jody and Nick, you have come together in this church

so that the Lord may seal...

# Yo! You got to take it like I give it

# I write it how I see

# I been living

# Been places you couldn't be

# Took the road less travelled I dabbled in weight

# Learned the art of Wu, like, trust me, dabbled in hate

# Now everybody hit the gravel... #

SUDDEN CHATTER

-FEMALE REPORTER:

-Is it true this is the biggest deal you've cut with the FBI?

SCREAMING

I now pronounce you man and wife.

APPLAUSE, SMALL GASP

CHURCH BELL TOLLS

-PHONE RINGS

-Aren't you supposed to be in court?

Case adjourned. They just seemed to run fresh out of witnesses.

Ah, frees up The Lizard for his other business.

100 large has been deducted from your account as promised.

Can The Lizard offer a suggestion on how she can, er...

..work off the rest of her debt?

The Lizard may not.

Go.

Believe me, you'll thank me later. Let's go.

No more free meals. Let's go.

Christ! It's like a reptile house in here.

Fuck off!

BEEPING

Ah. Mix-Master.

To our star chemist, gentlemen. Elmo McElroy.

Where's Durant?

I see five. I don't see the Brit.

Where the fuck is he at?

He said he'd be here.

Limey faggot needs a lesson in manners.

Fuck Durant.

Just tell us about this new wonder drug.

Get your master chemist in here.

OK.

Konokko, fetch him.

Fetch The Lizard's Elmo.

# Let me tell you 'bout what I love in Gina

# Love is like no other Couldn't get in between her

# Always stay fly, man l wish that you'd seen her

# Said they had a scheme but nobody believed her

# No real job cos she stay in the streets

# Gina did nails but her love made beats

# When they wanna eat, they just walk in the store

# They took what they wanted, man, the illest you saw

# Come on, take the money and run

# Come on, take the money and run

# Hey, hey, hey

# Come on, take the money and run

# That's what I say

# Come on, take the money and run... #

No Durant...

no McElroy.

Maybe he went out for something.

Nobody goes out for something on deal day!

Now, stop your whining, get up off your ass and go find him!

Now!

Argh!

HE CHUCKLES

Just give me a moment.

RINGS, SIZZLING

'This is Elmo McElroy's phone. He's not home.

'You know what to do, you know when to do it.

'Bye.'

Tasty Drops?

He fucked me! I'm truly ass-invaded!

'You have one new message.'

'He fucked me. I'm truly ass-invaded.'

'EXPLOSION'

Rest in peace...

..motherfucker.

MUSIC: "Good Fortune" by PJ Harvey

# Threw my bad fortune off the top of... #

PHONE RINGS

You're going home, Dakota.

-I'm going to Vegas.

-You listen to me.

There's this limey asshole in Liverpool

named Durant.

He was supposed to show up for this little deal we had going on today.

He didn't show up.

The Lizard thinks he stole his Elmo.

I'm not going back. I don't care how much I owe you.

Listen to me, Dakota.

I want this limey motherfucker Durant off the fucking planet

and I want fucking Elmo fucking McElroy

-off the fucking planet!

-'Did you hear what I just said?'

That place has nothing to offer me.

The Lizard...

..will wipe your marker clean.

Plus a bonus - £100,000

if the job is done in 48 hours.

And after that, there is nothing to stop you

from turning right around and leaving again.

250.

Get it done.

It's done.

Shit!

'I would like to extend a very warm welcome to each of you

'on behalf of all the crew on this Virgin Atlantic flight.

'Please store carry-on baggage...'

Can I show you to your seat, sir?

ENGINES WHINE

Spit it out. Spit it out now!

Tommy?

SHE HUFFS

What?

What?

-LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:

-Fuckin' Yanks.

The trouble with the fuckin' Yanks is, they've no fuckin' sense.

Had some dick in Los Angeles

actually ask me where I learnt English.

English? Fuck!

Do you have a problem with America, Felix?

Oh, yeah. I've got one great big, fat, swollen fucker of a problem with America, twat!

Listen to this. I'm in fuckin' Florida, right?

This Southern prat comes up and he's like, er...

"Hey, England's small. You must know that John fuckin' Smith guy, right?"

-Fuckin' Smith!

-CAMPTOWN RACES RINGTONE

I'm like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, mate, that's right. John Smith.

"Yeah, I do know him, but he doesn't come from England, mate.

-"No, he comes from fuckin'...

-BOTH: Pricksville, USA!"

PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

-You going to answer the fuckin' phone or what?

-It's just my wife.

Now, when Mr McElroy joins us, I'd be pleased if you kept your opinions to yourself.

This particular Yank is not a travelling salesman. He's a genius, hmm?

Who is this cunt?

So I said to Mr Durant, I said, "Mr Durant, we go and meet this fuckin' Yank McElroy,

"bring him to the deal and that's it."

None of this fuckin' conversation-and-coffee bollocks.

None of this asking him how the Tampa Bay Fuckin'-eers are doing.

No, I said, "Fuck him.

"I'll bring him to the deal, I get my fuckin' tickets and I'm off. That's it."

-Take a left up here.

-There's no time for this.

Take a fuckin' left!

FOOTBALL CHANTS

Felix! Felix, listen!

This is a totally new chemical.

Once we have the formula, we could make this stuff in a kitchen.

We don't even need Durant.

Look. You see that?

That's tomorrow. Blokes are shagging their mothers-in-law to get a ticket

and I'm getting two from Mr Durant.

So unless you can shite out a couple of tickets on the spot,

I suggest you shut the fuck up.

But this is a unique window of opportunity for you.

-We are talking telephone numbers!

-Ah, enough. Take care of him.

He's getting on my fuckin' tits.

We're going to be late, boss.

Fuck the Yank. Let him wait.

# When you walk...

# Through a storm

# Hold your head up high... #

CUSTOMERS: # Glory, glory, Man United

# Glory, glory, Man United

# Glory, glory, Man United

# And the Reds go marching on, on, on...! #

Boys and girls of Manchester!

-Just popped over from er...Liverpool...

-Fuckin' wanker!

..to invite you to a game of footy tomorrow.

What the fuckin' hell's that, you twat?

But I'm fuckin' fucked if you pricks are going to win it.

Come on, then, mate. Keep up the spirit.

HE LAUGHS

Someone get that fucking thing out!

Young man, get off the bloody green!

-Where the fuck have you been?

-Round the block.

Drive, quick!

Let's go meet the Yankee muppet.

Where's Lawrence? Where's he gone? We're late.

-Well, he's...

-You left him at the pub. Twat!

-But you said...

-Go back.

Go back and get him.

Look at this wanker.

-Prick!

-Go on.

SIGH OF RELIEF

Lawrence says, right, he's going to be carrying...

..a load of drugs, right?

We do him. Job done.

OK?

I'm not having some fuckin' nig-nog...put us out of business, right?

Hey!

Watch it! You're pissin' on my fuckin' boots!

-What about Felix DeSouza?

-Fuck him.

He's a rabid dog.

Is he? Well, fuck him!

Fuck him! Leave it to me!

I'll rip out his fuckin' liver. One shot. Va-voom!

Yeah? No problem.

No problem.

Hey!

Hey! Felix DeSouza.

Just the wanker I wanted to deal with.

Deal with this.

What a fuckin' day.

Arthur. Come in, Arthur. Over.

STATIC HISS

Why don't you try the big fat button, Arthur?

Yes, sir.

Now, we are looking for a large black gentleman wearing a dress.

That's what Lawrence said. It should be easy. Over.

Yeah, and we want Customs to pull him over, right?

Wrong. We want Customs to let him through and you follow him. Over.

-Utter nutbag.

-Right. Over.

'What now?'

Follow them all. Over.

-Madam, if you'd like to come this way.

-No. I've got to go.

Have you finished?

CUSTOMS OFFICER: Not quite, miss. I need to look at your shoulder bag.

Welcome to England.

Actually, that makes me out to be a bit of a liar, cos let's face it, pal,

you're about as welcome as a dose of the clap.

But it's always nice to be nice.

-Who the hell are you?

-Felix DeSouza.

Mr Durant sent me.

-I asked for a chemist. Where's Lawrence?

-In the car.

-He should be here.

-I should give a shit.

To me, you're just a ticket to the game.

Where's the chemist?

Where's Lawrence?

You heard him. Where's Lawrence?

Put these in the truck. Get Durant on the phone.

Put these fucking sticks in the boot.

Aaah!

-What's that?

-It's Lawrence.

I can see it's fucking Lawrence. What happened?

-You told me to take care of him.

-Oh, shit.

I meant to take care of him, not fucking take care of him.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit!

Shut the fucking thing, will you?

Fuck...

Get Durant on the fucking phone, right fucking now!

Where's my motherfucking chemist?!

-Lawrence? He should be in the car.

-Should be?

What kind of fuck-up is this, Durant?

Look, we deal today, or I go to the competition.

Look, let me speak to DeSouza.

DeSouza? DeSouza?

Look, boss, it wasn't my fault.

Besides, he was fucking irritating.

Right now, I couldn't give a gnat's chuff. You twat!

You just make sure McElroy gets here.

Where's my fucking chemist?!

-I think we need a new chemist, Mr Durant.

-I know. I know.

I can fucking hear him, can't I?

Tell him I'm going to get a hold of, er...

Pudsey Smith, OK?

Yeah. I am not buying aspirin for a fucking arm and a leg.

He's getting Pudsey Smith.

-Who?

-He's a deaf-mute.

Stall him. Just stall him.

You keep that Yankee cunt happy. And alive.

All right, boss. Yeah.

Oh! You fucking twat!

What's the plan, then? Freshen up?

Massage? Maybe you fancy a bucket of fried fucking chicken.

If I wanted cuisine, I'd have gone to Paris.

You can still go to France. it's not too far.

It's full of pricks and they hate fucking Yanks too. Do you fancy a bite?

Yeah. All right.

Hello, stranger!

Said hello to lover boy yet?

-HE LAUGHS

-Iki, I'm in a hurry.

Can we get on with it?

Ruger mini-14, 223 calibre.

It comes in a fetching chrome.

20 rounds per banana.

Unless the elite and snazzy Iki special takes your fancy, extending your capacity to 40.

-We've got a Czechoslovakian...

-CZ 83, I'll take one.

Oh...

Well, that's young Felix's weapon of choice, isn't it?

Now, there's a trip down memory lane.

I'm partial to a bit of sentiment, me.

I've heard things, you know. He misses you.

So, what are you going to take?

I'll take the Beretta, the CZ, an ankle holster, add the mini-14 and I'm done.

-I want to get in and out fast.

-Don't we all?

Does Durant still do his deals at the Port Hotel?

Silly lad. It'll be his undoing, one of these days.

But what do you expect from a fella who gets his arse waxed every month?

I forgot what a circus this place is.

Funny, that.

I never did much like the circus. All that poking your head in a lion's mouth shite.

Bring on the horses! Get 'em rogering the dancing girls!

That's a circus.

These...and these

are on the house.

Welcome home...Dawn.

-There you go, mate.

-Thanks, mate.

Ta.

What the fuck did they do to this fish? Batter it to death?

Fish and chips. The national dish, mate.

More like a national disaster.

# I said you don't really wanna go, I can tell

# But I'm gonna take you anyway

# What the hell?

# So come on, get on in the ride

# And let me take you to the other side

# You don't really wanna go, I can tell

# But I'm gonna take you anyway

# What the hell?

# So come on, get on in the ride

# And let me take you to the other side

# I heard you even got a child now

# Look at that

# A baby momma and a bow-wow... #

TYRES SCREECH

Keys.

Twat.

Come on.

So, er...

How much are they paying you to wear that skirt?

Fag?

No, motherfucker.

HE SNIGGERS

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah, Mr McElroy!

That's daring, but very dashing attire.

Let's stick to the business in hand.

Hey, come on! Mr McElroy's a guest of ours.

OK, boys, guns on the table, please.

Felix?

I've delivered him. I'll have my tickets and be off.

OK. Put your gun on the table.

-Fuck. The game's tomorrow.

-Put your fucking gun on the table, you gobshite!

What?

-So, who's the chemist?

-This is Pudsey Smith.

A first-class man. Qualified and everything.

He can't talk. He's been shot.

Felix, have you shit your pants, or something?

Something doesn't feel right, Mr Durant.

I know. You're making me nervous, for fuck's sake! Sit on your hands, or something.

OK, Mr McElroy, the ball's in your court.

MCELROY: MDMA utilises serotonin.

Opiates like heroin utilise dopamine.

Sort of like the same sensation you get after sex.

Amphetamines increase adrenaline

and cocaine gets those synapses in the brain firing really fast.

My product is 51 times stronger than cocaine.

51 times more hallucinogenic than acid

and 51 times more explosive than ecstasy.

It's like a personal visit...

..from God.

It's that good?

The dog's bollocks.

Felix DeSouza.

-I count ten.

-That's right.

That's one million sterling, or 1.6 million dollars.

But that ain't what we agreed on, is it?

You're 18.4 million dollars shy.

And I don't care how you cut it, that's a whole lot shy.

No...

Mr McElroy, what we have there is a goodwill gesture.

A deposit. A down payment.

One and a half million's not a bad start, is it?

I need to do some research. I need to feed a few thousand to the kids, get some feedback.

You don't think I can allow you to walk out of here with 20 million

for a formula that only exists in your head?

And all I get is, what?

An ointment for toe jam.

Uh-huh?

-Market research.

-Right.

Profile customers, send out questionnaires.

Get out the bloody way, Felix.

I can dig that. But unless you've got what we agreed on, what the fuck am I doing here?

Give me a call when you're ready to deal.

-BANGING ON DOOR

-I fucking knew it.

-QUAVERING VOICE:

-Room service.

That old fuckin' chestnut.

Aaargh!

Hey, hold it fellas!

It's my sausage and flamin' mash!

SHE SCREAMS Ssh...

Sorry, love. Sorry about that, pet.

It's just that, er...

my dad ran off with a room service maid.

Things have never really been the same since.

Bollocks.

PHONE RINGS

Now's not a good time.

-'Change of plan.'

-What do you mean?

I want McElroy kept alive.

I don't do alive, I do dead.

It's a matter of 20 million

in cash being vaporised,

and it's a matter of a lot of anger being directed at The Lizardman.

You now do alive.

'My future is inside McEroy's skull.'

You waste anything and everybody that gets near him.

You waste them, not him.

'His mind belongs to The Lizard.'

Shit.

Fucking hell!

Shit, shit, shit!

Arsehole.

Let go, you double-crosser. Let go! They're mine!

Oh!

Oh, shit.

Shit.

Ow! Shit!

I told you to get out of the way, Felix.

-Fuck! I've been shot.

-Where?

In the fucking arse!

Man, it's just a flesh wound. Come on.

Flesh wound? Is that supposed to sound like a fuckin' good thing?

ARGUING

Come on, dude.

Oi, Sooty.

Sooty!

Here. Take these.

-Aaargh!

-Oh, fuck!

Fuckin' get him, boys. Come on!

-Stay down, bitch.

-Oi! You're not driving my car!

Shit.

Give me the fuckin' keys. Get in the car.

Fuck!

BOTH: Aaargh!

Fucking hell!

Get your fat arse out of the flamin' car. Check the hotel.

Put me in the picture. What the fuck happened back there?

I just got shot in the fucking arse

-is what happened!

-This is not how we do fuckin' business.

-Just get out of the fucking car!

-All right. All right.

Oh, fuck!

What the fuck are you doing?

Whoa...

Just take a fucking left!

SIREN WAILS

-Get off the pavement!

-Shit.

Watch out!

Fuck!

-Which fucking way?

-Right. Right.

-Come on!

-Aargh.

-Christ!

Hey...

-The traffic's coming from the right.

-I got it.

Fuck!

You! Out of my fuckin' way!

-Oh, bollocks.

-The dog's bollocks?

No. Just plain fucking bollocks.

-No dogs involved?

-No!

Watch out! Watch out!

You'll kill the fucking car!

Fuck.

Oh! Fuck.

SIREN BLARES

Hello?

So, let me get this straight.

"Bollocks" is bad, whereas "the dog's bollocks" is good, huh?

Yeah.

ENGINE REVS

Oh, bollocks.

Gotcha.

Come on, then!

Come on!

Aaa-aargh!

-Stop.

-God. Fucking Yanks.

Come on!

Shit.

Fucking hell.

Scraping my fucking paintwork!

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

-Fuck you, Kane, you shitebag.

-Fuck off!

SQUAWKS LIKE A CHICKEN

Oh, you little fuck!

Chicken bollocks.

Shit!

Whoa-oa!

Fuck you, Kane, you fucking wanker!

SIRENS BLARE

Come here, you!

-Are you all right?

-Fuck off!

We've lost them.

SHIP'S HORN

Yeah, well, let's not take any chances.

Oh...

Oh, shit!

Ugh...

Are you wanting to junk that, pal?

You what?

Dude, do you have a car that works? I need transportation.

I've got a Cooper needing a lick of paint.

She goes. Throw in the XJ6 and she's yours for a 100 quid.

-Deal.

-What, a Cooper? Piss off, Popeye. And you.

I'll tell you what - 70 quid and the Jag

and I'm robbing myself.

Tha... That's it. That's it.

I've had just about enough of this shite.

I got you to that deal in one piece.

I got you out of that deal in one piece.

As far as I'm concerned, my job's done. It's finished.

You can leave my motor alone, get your golf clubs, and fuck off back to Dixie.

Pay attention, Felix DeSouza.

I atomised a major drugs syndicate to be here this morning.

Now, I'm stuck in Liver-fucking-fool with you!

And if I need you to sell your car to help me, you will sell your goddamn car!

Do I look like the Salvation Army?

Have I got "Jim'll Fix It" written on my fucking hat?

I'm sorry, mate, but help's not a word I'm too familiar with, you know.

CAMPTOWN RACES RINGTONE

Fuck off!

I don't believe it.

So, who's the girl?

It's my ex-girlfriend.

Arthur. I want you to describe the situation to me.

Seven shades of shit in a one-shit trumpet, sir.

It looks like some kind of a drugs buy.

'None of your ordinary.'

Aye-aye. Got some blue tabs. They look like sweets.

How are you?

What do you mean, how am I? Nearly cut my fucking ear off!

And I've hurt my knee.

Now, I want you to get the pills and take them straight down to the lab, double time.

You got that? And then you call me. Now, what else have you got?

Six dead bodies and one live one.

HE GROANS Chief, it's Leopold Durant.

Durant? Right. Now, concentrate, Arthur.

Get that fat fuck down here pronto.

But, sir, he's dying.

Then you'd better be fucking quick about it, hadn't you?

FOGHORN HOOTS

She dumped me.

Two years ago now.

Changed her name from Dawn to Dakota.

Fucked off for Las Vegas and a deck of cards.

So who hired her to take me out?

You're asking the wrong question, mate.

She's your guardian angel.

If she wanted you dead, you'd be dead.

She never misses.

I mean, fucking look at that.

If she really wanted to hit me... I'd be shiteing through a tube for the rest of my life.

Someone wants you kept alive.

Somebody's trying to cut in on Durant's deal. They're shitting again.

-Yeah, well, shit happens.

-No.

Shit don't just happen, shit takes time.

Shit takes effort.

20 million-worth of effort.

METALLIC PING

I've got to get a new deal on, fast.

You know the town, you know the players.

Look...

..all I want is a ticket for the game.

Do you think you can swing that?

20 million could swing anything. You know what I'm selling.

Well, how much?

5% of whatever I get out of any deal you set up.

That's a million dollars.

Hell, you could buy your own goddamn stadium with that.

-Game's tomorrow.

-You'd better get started, then.

Oh, and Felix.

A word of advice.

You ever want to get the girl, you've got to broaden your horizons.

DISTANT METALLIC PING

-KANE:

-What the fuck is that?

What is it?

What? Scotch mist?

Now, now, now, now, now.

You are getting greedy, Leopold.

It's a big deal going down, and you are trying to cut me out of the fucking loop.

-LEOPOLD SCREAMS IN AGONY

-I told you. Face the fuck front!

HE COUGHS AND CHOKES

This is going to cost you an additional 15%.

No?

All right, then. 30.

As you're being so difficult.

How about this? 50-50. Why settle for anything less, eh?

60-40.

Leopold, I don't know if you noticed, my son, but you're in urgent need of a fucking doctor.

50-50.

Good boy.

All right, then, Arthur. Take him down.

HE SHOUTS

Argh!

Fuck!

You really have excelled yourself this time, haven't you, Arthur?

Brilliant. Fucking brilliant.

EASTERN MEDITATION MUSIC

Omar, it's my own interpretation, innit?

-You need to find your centre.

-Get off my leg!

-Find your centre.

-Stop messing... Omar!

Omar, you're messing with my delicate energy field here, all right?

OK, OK.

-Cocksucker.

-Find your centre, Omar.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello?

You've got one chance, mate - yes or no -

to be the number one shite in this particular cesspool.

Bugger me sideways. Felix DeSouza, you misguided wanker. I'm already number one.

-IKI:

-'Always was a bit of a pillock - Leo Durant.

-'Now he's a dead pillock.'

-Dead?

-MOBILE RINGS

-Hang on, Felix. It's my other line.

Hello?

I need to find Felix.

Hello, Dawn.

Time to scratch that itch, is it?

Well, he's gnawing my fucking wigwam.

-Where does he hang out these days?

-Hang on a minute, Dawn.

Felix...

Listen, me and, er...

My associate and I have selected you to deal with.

Well, aren't I just the luckiest bugger alive?

-Stay there.

-I don't fucking believe it.

-'Have you tried Re-Fresh, Pink Factor?'

-Yeah, all of them.

Hang on a minute, tiger. Just let me deal with this.

Let me talk to him.

MCELROY: 'The deal is 20 million.'

The deal is non-negotiable. The deal expires at midnight.

Oh, Mr McElroy, 20 million sounds fannytastic. Yes!

Negotiation's for arsewipes. If you're not here by midnight, I'll shit myself with woe.

I want samples, Mr McElroy. Supersonic samples.

I want frost, I want 100,000 miles an hour of intergalactic spaciness. See ya.

We in the house.

-IKI:

-'Hiya, Daw. Sorry to keep you.'

There might be one person who knows where he is.

Fuck.

What the fuck is that?

-FELIX:

-Congratulations, pal. That's your new Cooper.

Mini Cooper.

SPLUTTERS AND BACKFIRES

Have I got to sort out every fucking problem?

A laboratory. Or as you would say, a "lab-oratree".

We need a lab, Felix.

I'm sure that's dead easy where you come from. Fucking lab on every corner, is it?

HORNS BLARE

Piss off.

MUSIC: "Don't Be Cruel" by Dillard & Clarke

# You know I can be found

# Sitting all alone

# If you don't come around

# At least, please telephone

# Don't be cruel

# To a heart that's true... #

Well, shit in a bag and punch it. She's back.

I need to find Felix.

And what do you need from me? A map and a fucking compass?

Shirley...

You broke his heart. Did you even give a thought about that?

-This was a mistake.

-Most sensible thing you've said.

Are you still shooting people for a living?

What kind of fucking career is that, then, eh?

-Look, can I come in?

-And do what? The dirty stop-out

doesn't come home till breakfast.

Really good to be home.

It's great to see you again, love.

# Baby, it's still you I'm thinking of

# Don't be cruel

# To a heart that's true... #

ENGINE ROARS AND SPLUTTERS

I wanted to see the world.

Liverpool isn't the world.

I couldn't take America. It was like fucking Albania in neon.

And that stupid football shirt.

What kind of man jumps into bed shouting, "Come on, you Reds"?

She made me laugh.

Good shag, though.

I tell you, she'd kill anyone for me, I'll say that for her.

He's got problems.

She's got problems.

Shouldn't have come back.

Better off.

I need everything on this list.

I'm dying for a smoke. You haven't any ciggies, have you?

I'm sorry. Cigarettes are bad for your health.

So's a fucking punch in the throat. I need fucking nicotine now!

No need to shout at me. I'm Pakistani, not deaf.

-Take a puff on this!

-Oh, fuck off.

You?

You! Dress-wearing, er...monkey-boy.

SKINHEADS: Monkey-boy!

You're going to take them drugs of yours and make it work for us.

-And where would I do this?

-In my lab.

-You got a lab?

-Yeah, of course.

What do you take us for? Rank fucking amateurs?

SKINHEADS LAUGH

THRASH METAL PLAYS

Come on!

SCREECHING AND WHOOPING

Just say no.

-FELIX:

-How the fuck did we end up in here?

One little mistake...30 years ago.

All of these items are over-the-counter.

Nothing illegal here.

You're no fucking help, are you?

I beg to differ. You see, it's not the ingredients themselves which determine the effect

but the manner in which they're combined.

These kids are getting very smart.

He's right.

The ravers are the key.

Aren't you the clever little chunky monkey?

You keep banging on about my weight. You're crossing a line.

Arthur, it was a joke.

It was a joke. Smile.

Smile.

You fat cunt.

Yo, Blowjob.

P-O-S 51. Comes in blue or race-car red.

Destination - stratosphere.

Only, this one...gets you there in 60 seconds.

You try one first.

Thought you'd never ask.

P-O-S 51?

You can't call it that.

Punters'll feel like right tits asking for tabs of 438 I-O-fuckin'-U,

whatever the number is. No-one's going to know what they're on about.

These scumbags spend their entire life smacked out of their heads.

Numbers - they couldn't even tell you what fucking time it is.

All right, Mr Smug, what have you done?

I think the shit's about to hit the fan.

Arrrrrgh!

FARTING

Phew. Eurgh.

FARTS

-ALL GROAN AND FART

-Curry was a bad idea, lads.

SKINHEADS GROAN

FARTING Oh, yeah.

-ALL:

-Please. Please.

FARTING AND SQUELCHING

-BLOWFISH:

-Oh, thanks. Oh, thanks.

MUSIC: "Warrior" by Warrior

# Here comes your warrior

# Here comes your warrior

# Here comes your warrior

# He's letting you know

# Your sun will come shining

# Your sun will come shining

# Here comes your warrior

# He's letting you know

# Your sun will come shining... #

-IKI:

-Oi!

Brothers gonna work it out.

Brothers gonna work it out.

He's a chemical brother! Mr McElroy...welcome.

-How you doing, man?

-Spectacular is what I'm doing.

Spectacular.

Nice skirt. Special occasion, is it?

IKI LAUGHS

-Are you going to be all right here on your own?

-Mm-hm.

-She's here.

-Right.

-Everything all right, lads? Problems?

-No, man. Nothing we can't handle.

# Here comes your warrior

# He's letting you know

# Your sun will come shining

# Your sun will come shining

# Here comes your warrior

# He's letting you know... #

Every chemical used in the production of this drug is 100% legal.

Not one ingredient is found on any known government's banned substance watch list.

Hell, you can ship supertankers of this shit.

You can even lay a goddamn pipeline and no-one would bat an eye.

P-O-S 51.

It's all that.

And it can be yours.

If the price...is right.

Chemistry...Mr McElroy.

What is chemistry...

..but the ability to attract adoration in others?

You see, you're like me, Mr McElroy.

You're a sky-highatrist, I'm a sky-highatrist.

See, I always knew I'd be a drug dealer even when I was a kid.

I saw my dad hit my mother, my mother hit my brother,

my brother hit my sister, and my sister fuck my father.

So it's inevitable, really.

You'd have to be on drugs just to live in that madhouse, wouldn't you?

Drugs are good, Mr McElroy.

Drugs are our mates.

Fuck. I'm getting on my own nerves.

What I'm trying to say to you, Mr McElroy, is...

..I'm very much attracted to what you have to offer.

IKI CHUCKLES

How are you doing, Felix?

Well, my boss is dead...

..can't get a ticket for tomorrow's match,

and, oh, yeah, I've got a fucking bullet hole in the arse.

Apart from that,

I'm tiptop.

So who's the target?

You've got that look in your eye.

I've been looking for you.

Oh, yeah? For old times' sake or for the company I keep?

Little bit of both.

So, you have got me on your list, then?

You've always been on my list.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING 40 years ago

a rock-and-roll revolution was launched in this town.

WILD CHEERING

Tonight, we're going to launch a new revolution.

One that will rock and roll your senses.

CHEERING

And you...are my test pilots.

You're going to kiss the sun and taste the motherfuckin' rainbow.

WILD CHEERING

Are you ready? CHEERING

Are...you...ready? CHEERING

Then let's get ready to party-y-y-y.

-MUSIC: Synaesthesia (Fly Away)

-by Thrillseekers

Have you any idea how much I missed you?

Why didn't you stay with me, then?

What, me? In America? Don't be soft!

Besides, I don't know who you are any more, girl.

It's been nearly two years. I haven't heard a word.

Still...

I always hoped...

..you might...

change your mind...

..and come home.

We could have a fresh start.

Aren't you going to say anything?

This, Mr McElroy, is a fucking miracle.

Drug use will reach epidemic proportions, revolutions will break out, governments will fall!

20 million, and not a penny less!

-Where do I sign?

-Si... Sign?!

This ain't some written contract.

The kind of agreement I could take you to court and sue your ass over.

You fuck me on this deal,

I gotta take out a contract just to get even on the goddamn contract!

We think we have an agreement, we think we see things the same way.

Either we do, or we don't.

You're either in, or you're out.

You give me the money, I give you the formula. Are we clear?

Crystal, Mr McElroy. Crystal.

I'm not Leo Durant. I'm a man of my word.

Get in my way,

and I'm gonna have to shoot you.

Get in my way, and I'm gonna have to shoot you again.

I've got to work, babe.

Fucking cow!

SCREAMING

Oh, fuck!

Can't a brother just deal some goddamn drugs?

Time to go, Elmo.

Mr Kane. Is it that time of the month already?

I thought you weren't due till next week, you eager beaver.

Now, ain't that always the way?

Elevator music, a nigger in a kilt,

and a chick with a nickel-plated nine.

MOBILE RINGS

And now a word from our sponsor.

That ain't no Liverpool accent.

-Say hello, Elmo.

-Hello, Elmo.

'Absence makes the heart grow fonder, Elmo.

'And The Lizard is so full of'

motherfucking fonderence for you that he got

'on this plane just to come see you.'

I'm touched.

-You will be.

-You got my cash?

You're flush, sweetcakes. You are flush.

He's looking forward to seeing you.

So, what's the price tag on my ass?

It's enough. Move.

SHE SCREAMS

Last stop. There's nowhere from here but down.

Reel me in!

Why would I do a stupid thing like that?

-Pull me up, will you?

-Fold or call?

-What?

-You play poker. Fold or call?

SHE WHIMPERS I'm your last chance, girl.

I'm that "out" you've been looking for.

I'm only gonna make this offer once.

You either take it and get out from under The Lizard,

or you stay a slave and wonder where your life went.

You think you can save me, do you? Look where you are!

-Get real!

-A million in bonds, untraceable.

That's real! That's a fresh start.

Try quitting while you're ahead for a change...Dawn.

-No.

-No?!

SHE SCREAMS

I want 10% of your deal with Iki.

You're negotiating with me?!

Look at your options.

10%.

Have a look at yours.

All right.

SHE SCREAMS

Now that is a lovely dress.

Need the extra room, do you?

Tell me something. I'm intrigued.

Is it true that you fellas are equipped with incredibly...

..large...

Fuck!

Thanks.

My pleasure.

You can move your arm now.

-KANE:

-Right then, you Scouse git.

In the last 12 hours

this city has gone from a peaceful fun-loving Utopia

to an all-out fucking war zone.

And I, Virgil Kane...

Well, I want to know why.

Nobody cuts me out of anything in this parochial pisshole.

You smell that, Felix. Smell it.

-Smell it!

-HE SNIFFS

That is essence of Durant.

And Durant got what he deserved.

So, when a deal goes down,

you, my old sausage, will fix it. Time and place.

And then you will call me.

Otherwise... Accessory to murder.

Possession of a firearm.

You fuck me,

I'll have you on your hands and your knees,

with your arse in the air, exposing your rusty sheriff's badge for the next 20 years.

So ask yourself, are you going to help restore

some national pride, and stick one on the Yanks?

Or, like the rest of your life, are you going to piss it all away?

Are you going to help me

to help you?

Eight hours till kickoff.

It's a big game.

Let's just see if you come good.

Mr Kane.

See ya!

-You'll never walk alone, eh, mate?

-HE LAUGHS

DEACTIVATES CAR ALARM

HE LAUGHS

Help me to help you? Cunt!

ELMO: How do you think that motherfucker would do against people who diss

like Soso, McGuire, Griffey? They'd be knocking this shit out the park.

He can't throw that kinda heat. Kevin's got what's goin' on here.

-You don't know what you're talking about. DAWN:

-Bullshit.

Kevin Brown couldn't carry Sandy Koufax's jockstrap.

You've been listening to too much Vince Scully.

You need to get your ear out of the radio, and carry your ass out to the ball game.

Sorry, but, er...

..have I missed something?

What the fuck is that?

Black pudding.

-Fried pig's blood.

-Oh!

Are you two planning on filling me in, or what?

Elmo's propositioned her.

Nice one, Shirley.

I'm listening.

Lizard offered Dakota 250K to deliver my live ass to him.

I've made her a significantly better offer.

And I'm thinking... she might entertain...

..certain sentimental reasons for not doing her job.

The question is

whether it's going to pay me... to be sentimental.

Look, we have a choice.

We can use our "Get out of jail free" cards,

or we can choose "Stop, do not pass Go". Do not collect 20 million dollars.

Do we have a deal?

Do that again, I will definitely fucking shoot you.

Shut your gob! Go and get yourself cleaned up!

-And no shagging up there!

-Yeah.

No shagging up there.

We do this job and we get out.

It's what we all want, isn't it?

# I don't know why

# I love you like I do, but I do... #

Just to get out.

# I don't know why

# You treat me like you do

# But you do

# Lord, you do... #

So, what's the plan?

You tell me.

# Lord, you do me any way you please... #

What's the plan?

You tell me.

# No matter how you treat me, woman

# Lord, I just can't seem to leave

# I don't know

# What you're using on me, baby, but it's good

# Ooh, it's real good

# I know I would surely leave you, woman

# Oh, if I could

# I surely would

# Ooh... #

SQUEAKS

CHANTING

Listen! It's got to come from your belly.

Right deep down!

It's your birth trauma.

Now cleanse your chakras and let it all out.

THEY CHANT

-Let it go!

-I'm trying, you fucking fairy!

A-a-a-a-ah!

All right? A-a-a-ah!

A-a-a-a-a-ah!

MOBILE RINGS

-All-righty. Good morning.

-All right, let's finish this deal.

My sentiments exactly.

-Any particular venue?

-No airports, no hotel rooms,

no dockyards, no barges, no pharmacies,

-no animal-testing labs.

-Oh!

-No rooftops.

-Riddles! Riddles! I love riddles.

No abandoned warehouses or rave clubs.

I want total privacy

in a very public place.

And security.

Cops. Lots of them.

And witnesses. Thousands of witnesses.

-You getting my drift?

-Well, er, I've got a certain, er,

business indulgence, shall we say, that I could er...utilise.

-So, what time's kickoff?

-'Three o'clock sharp.'

I'll be there.

Football and drugs.

A perfect Saturday afternoon.

Liverpool!

Liverpool!

Come on!

Chakras!

FANS CHANT

CAR HORN HONKS

CHEERING

No, no, no, no, no, chubster.

-You stay here.

-What for?

I don't know. Keep your eyes peeled on the exit.

And try, for fuck's sake, to blend in, cunt!

This clown better deliver.

Don't worry. Iki put something like this together a couple of years ago now.

Yeah? What happened?

They all died.

We get in, we get out.

What about the game?

-We're staying to watch the game, right?

-Dude, I'm in, then I'm out.

TANNOY: 'Virgin Atlantic announce the arrival of Flight ES12 from Los Angeles.'

Any glass bottles?

Good afternoon, gentlemen. Welcome to Anfield, the home of football.

-Too right, pal.

-McElroy, DeSouza.

Yes, sir. Take the lift to the third floor. It's the first door on your right, sir.

Thank you.

-Sir?

-Don't you want to search me?

Guests for the executive suites are never searched, sir.

Right. I knew that.

Welcome! Come in, come in.

Excellent.

I'm nothing if not hospitable, Felix. Make yourself at home.

-IKI:

-I'm so excited, I could shit.

CROWD ROARS

-Huh?

-Right, Mr McElroy, a drink

while I tell you about my plans.

Oh I've got plans, Mr McElroy.

-Big fucking plans.

-Hey, hey, hey

No talk. You want a beverage?

I'll fix your beverage while you get the 20 mill.

I give you the formula, you smile,

we toast,

we pretend we're friends,

-and we go our separate ways.

-Foreplay, Mr McElroy,

-it's the only way to a good relationship.

-Ah...

Iki, my love, we're way past holding hands.

WHISTLE BLOWS

20 million in bonds. Untraceable.

What?! Is that supposed to be 20 mill?

I'm not heftin' gold bars around the shop, am I? It's not fucking Goldfinger, is it?

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Easy, flower.

Where's my formula?

"Wish you were here"?

HE LAUGHS

CONTINUES LAUGHING

I'm fucking there, Mr McElroy. I'm fucking there.

An inspired choice, I must say,

my, er...chemical brother.

Cheers.

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

I never was one to be too sentimental.

Elmo!

It ain't often that a blowed-up motherfucker

gets to chat to the motherfucker that blowed him up.

You got that right.

Usually, the blowed-up motherfucker has the courtesy to stay blowed up.

I'll try to be more accommodating next time, Elmo.

Ooh, cocktails! What are we celebrating?

Oh, er...we're toasting...

..our deal, Mr Lizard.

-Our deal?

-Not your deal.

Hands across the ocean you might say.

Fucking twat.

Elmo Mix-Master.

Cheers.

-I love your touches.

-To a global partnership.

-LIZARD:

-To a global partnership.

Ow.

Fucking limey bastard.

Global partnership, my ass!

My money is on good old-fashioned American monopoly, you son of a bitch!

Besides,

England ain't nothin'...

nothin' but the 51st state!

Don't you just fucking hate it when a motherfucker stabs you in the back?

The Lizard travelled 12,000 miles to settle accounts with you!

So? What?

You gonna tell me how much you missed me, or are you gonna shoot me?

I'm sick and tired of fucking chasing your ass!

Now, you give me my fucking goods, and you give 'em to me fucking now!

You better chill with that shit, motherfucker.

-I own you.

-You own me?

-I fucking own you!

-You own shit!

Go ahead, kill me. Put me out of my misery for the first time in 30 years.

But you will no longer take what is mine.

Fucking right. 10% is mine.

-Five!

-Five fucking per cent of that's mine.

Shut the fuck up! I don't even know who the fuck you are!

Oh, you've got some big fucking onions, Elmo.

This...

is the most expensive candy on the market.

The drug's a fake, you know.

It's bogus. It's what we chemists call a placebo.

It's whatever you want it to be.

You can run all the tests you want, and it'll look like the best shit in the universe,

but the ingredients... they cancel each other out.

Fucking confusing The Lizard ain't gonna fucking help your cause, Elmo.

You've gotta give big ups to marketing.

The ability to make people believe.

The power of suggestion.

P-O-S...51.

I don't give a shit! Is this fucking science lecture over?

It will be in...23 seconds.

It takes 10 seconds for an imbibed liquid to reach the stomach.

It takes the human body 81 seconds to heat that liquid to the point of chemical volatility.

You...have 12 seconds left.

12 seconds? What the fuck are you talking about?

And what is the big fucking umbrella?

Freeze!

-Oh!

-You, lumpy, in the kaftan, drop the gun.

Nice and controlled. How's my timing, Felix?

It's fucking perfect.

Ow! Argh!

GURGLING

Aaaargh!

Aargh!

CHEERING

WHISTLE

CHEERING

That cleared my sinuses.

Drugs...

always kill you in the end.

Whoa! Whoa. Whoa, shit!

HE MUTTERS

All right, lads.

Get the cuffs on this cockney twat!

As agreed.

What about the drug?

You conned us.

I conned them.

We got paid.

Is this,

or is this not, worth 20 million dollars?

This castle's worth,

I'd say, more like...

seven, seven and a half.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Do you want to see the game?

# Easy come

# Easy go

# Watch the world flow... #

Mr McElroy,

you are a genuine McElroy like myself, you say.

This is the tartan of my slave master.

I now claim his castle and his lands for my own.

I see.

-But will you not now be making your putt?

-Aye.

Congratulations, Mr McElroy. An outstanding round of golf.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Well!

I can tell you, it's the first time that's been seen on the 18th green.

# Everything good is bad

# Everything bad is good... #

Elmo's in the house!

# Everything good is bad

# And everything bad is good

# Everything good is bad

# Everything bad is good

# Everything good is bad... #