Treacle Jr

This film contains very strong language.

Do you want some banana?

-Banana!

-Yeah, banana.

Good boy!

Is that nice?

HE CHUCKLES

How many times did you wake us up last night? Mmm?

Mmm? Too many.

Do you see that?

What's that?

There.

ENGINE STARTS UP

CAR KEY BEEPS

TANNOY: 16:24 service to Milton Keynes Central...

SIRENS WAILING

BIRDS SINGING

WOLF WHISTLE

THEY LAUGH

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Oh, fuck!

THEY LAUGH

THEY SHOUT

HE PANTS

Come here!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

THEY SHOUT

BIRDS SINGING

Hey, you know, you've got lovely hair, lovely colour. Is that natural?

Yeah.

You know, you remind me of one of those dogs.

You know, the red ones? Really loopy! Lots of saliva...

-Red setters?

-Red setters! That's it! A red setter!

You have got exactly the same hair as a red setter.

Snap!

Snap!

Snap!

Black eye, snap! Who hit you?

-Sorry?

-How did you get yours? Who hit you?

-A tree.

-A tree?! A tree hit you?! Did it?

What? You had a fight with a tree, did you?

-I...I ran into it, yeah.

-You ran into it?

How did you do that? I'm sure that hurt, did it? Did you not see it?

Yeah. It was dark, at night.

Oh, I see.

Easily done.

So how's the tree?

Is it OK? I love trees.

I think the tree's OK.

Oh, that's good. That's good.

I say you're a sick fudda.

-What?

-A sick fudda, I say you're a sick fudda.

A sick what...? A sick...a sick fella?

A sick fudda! You know, you look very tall.

Oh, a six footer?

Yes! A sick fudda!

-How tall are you?

-I'm...six foot four.

Six foot four? That is tall.

HE SHOUTS: How's the weather up there?

HE CHUCKLES

The tall fellas in school, you know.

HE SHOUTS: How's the weather up there? How's the weather up there?

Hey! Will we have much longer to wait now?

This fella is seriously injured, man! He's had a fight with a tree!

I'm sorry, I can't say.

OK. That's good. Thanks, anyway. Thanks very much.

Evans?

Tom Evans.

That's me.

Oh! Here he is! He's here! This is him!

Here's Tom Evans!

See you, Tom.

Hey, Tom! God bless.

He's a nice fella, isn't he?

HE WHISPERS: Tom Evans.

Oh, fuck.

Tom, Tom! Hey, Tom!

They just turned me away! Can you believe it? They said there's nothing wrong with me.

I told them, I must have broken my arm or something, you know. It really hurts when I do this.

Cos I've always wanted to get one of them plaster casts,

I'd get all my friends to sign it, they could draw things on it -

fannies, boobies, knobs, funny things like that,

but I've never broken a bone in my life! Can you believe it?

My name is Aidan, by the way. Aidan Murphy.

-Am I annoying you?

-Wha...?

-What?

-Am I annoying you?

-No. No, you're OK.

-I am, aren't I? I don't mind, you can say if I do.

No, no... You...you're not annoying me.

-Oh, really? You're not just saying that?

-No, no.

You're a nice man, Tom. I like you.

It's a lovely day, isn't it? Which way you going?

Uh... Which way...are you going?

I don't mind, I'm easy.

-You know what I'd like right now?

-What?

A hot bitch.

-A hot what?

-A hot bitch.

Don't you just love the bitch?

The sun, the sea, the sand.

Oh, beach. Beaches?

Yes! Bitches.

You know, I can't even remember the last time I sat on a hot bitch.

I'm going to go this way, so bye.

Do you live this way, Tom? Where do you live?

What do you do? How old are you?

What job do you have?

I got locked in here once, you know, late one night.

I thought I saw a floating head.

It turned out...it was just a plastic bag.

Oh, no! I need to go, I need to go, Tom. I need to pee.

I can't pee in here, can I? Can I?

The man upstairs wouldn't like that, would he?

-The man upstairs.

-Yeah, I know what you mean.

Look, just go behind that tree quickly.

But he won't mind, will he?

Don't want to go upsetting him now,

don't want to go incurring his wrath.

PANTING

PANTING INTENSIFIES

THEY PANT

Tom! Tom!

There you are!

I thought I'd lost you there for a minute.

Easily done, you know, a big place.

I love graveyards.

Do you think it might be getting a bit overcrowded in heaven, Tom?

I'm not... I don't really believe in heaven.

You don't believe in heaven!

It's just the way it is, you know. Anyway, this is where I live.

Home, sweet home!

Do you want to come up and see my flat?

That's very kind of you, but I...I think I'm going to get going.

You all right there, Tom?

You don't look too good.

In fact, you look a bit pasty.

I'm...I'm fine.

Whoa! Tom! What are you doing, Tom? Are you all right?

HE CHUCKLES

What's going...? What's going on?

Hello?

HUMMING

HE HUMS

THEY SHOUT

HE LAUGHS

Oh, great! You're awake! Come on in, come on in. Sit down, sit down.

Sit down, Tom! Sit down!

I have a beer for you.

-Would you like a beer?

-Yeah.

-Good man, sit down.

How...how long was I out for?

Oh. Not long, not long. I think you were just hungry, that's all.

You're skin and bones. I'm making some ravioli.

You'll feel better after you've eaten some ravioli. Check the ravioli, Tom.

-Oh, sorry. I'm...I'm a vegetarian, I'm afraid.

-A vegetarian?!

What, so ravioli is no good, no?

It's got meat in it.

Has it?! No... Is there?!

Hang on. Uh...

Ravioli, 53%.

Durum, semolina... I love semolina. Water...

I can't see it. No, wait, here it is. You're right.

Beef, 14% beef. No good?

-It's only 14%. No?

-No.

Vegetarian, uh...

Vegetarian...

Vegetarian...

Do you eat ham?

No.

You know what I do have?

The king of biscuits!

Custard creams!

CRUNCHING

HE SIGHS

You can stay the night if you want, Tom.

Well, uh... That's very kind of you, but I'm feeling a bit better now.

I think I might get going.

Do you know anyone who's looking for a place to stay? Cos I'm trying to rent out that top bunk.

Erm... No, I don't.

If you hear of anyone, will you let me know? It's going cheap.

Wait, you HAVE to see this!

Now, that's Slim and that's Shady.

No, wait. That's Slim and that's Shady.

Hang on, it's hard to tell them apart.

They're giant African snails. They have a fanny and a knob!

Did you know that? It sounds like fun, doesn't it?

They keep laying hundreds of eggs, but it's very sad,

cos I have to keep throwing the babies away.

Would you like some snail babies, Tom?

No... Not just at the moment, thanks.

Cos Linda won't let me keep the babies.

-Who's Linda?

-Linda's my girlfriend.

DOOR OPENS

Speak of the devil! I think that might be her now!

Is that you, Linda?!

Of course it's me!

Who else is it going to be?

We were just talking about you! I want you to meet Tom.

Are your ears burning?

-Oh, they are! They're hot!

-Get off!

-Keep your blocks of ice away from me!

-She's talking about my hands.

I've got very cold hands. It's my circulation.

Same with my feet. I'm like Mr Freeze.

Can I get in, please? And who's Lurch?

This is my new friend, Tom.

He's a vegetarian and he doesn't believe in heaven.

How much did you make today?

Erm... Not as much as yesterday.

-You hardly made anything yesterday.

-I know that.

It just wasn't that good of a day, I suppose.

Is this it? Jesus...

-Did you have the last of the beers?

-You can have some of that if you want. There's not much left...

-It's a bit warm, I can put it in the fridge.

-I don't fucking want that, do I?!

Now, go and get some more beers now.

OK. Right away.

What do you want now?

Can you give me that money I just gave you? I don't have enough.

No, I fucking can't! Why do you always make me do that, Aidan?

Why do you always have to fucking rile me?

You've always got to push my fucking buttons.

I don't even want another drink.

And get fucking Lurch out my fucking house now. Fuck off!

She's a lovely girl, really.

She didn't even hit me that hard. She's only messing, like, you know?

She can hit a lot harder than that, I can tell you.

She's had a bit of a rough life, you know?

Yes, well, I think I'd better get going now.

Are you sure you feel well enough?

I'm fine, thanks. Thanks for everything.

Think nothing of it. We should meet up soon.

You know where I live so come round any time.

Sure. Sure. I will.

It was lovely meeting you. Look at how tall you are.

-I'm like a Munchkin standing next to you.

-Get him out now!

He's going! He's going!

I'll see you soon.

Thanks for a super time.

Super time.

Hiya. Could I have a tea, please?

That's £1, please, mate.

One second. There's someone at the door.

Hello.

I'm sorry, love. You are?

I'm Tom, I was here last night with Aidan.

Aidan's not here.

Sorry, excuse me.

You didn't happen to find some money, did you?

I've lost some money and I've just been retracing my steps.

How much are we talking? 50p? 20p? £1? What?

No. More like £200.

£200?

£200?

I thought it might have slipped down behind the sofa.

I just spring-cleaned the whole flat and there ain't nothing in there.

So...

I don't mean to be rude but could I just...?

No. Well, I've looked, haven't I?

Sorry, mate.

OK, all right, thanks.

-Thanks anyway.

-Yeah, all right, bye.

-Bye.

Excuse me. Sorry to bother you.

-You couldn't spare me any change, could you?

-What?

Could you spare me a bit of change, please?

-No.

-What's that? Sorry?

-I was wondering if you could spare any change.

-Oh, no, sorry.

-You've got lovely hair. Do you know that?

-What?

-Lovely colour.

-Is it natural?

-Yeah.

Do you have mice? Do you have any mice?

Mice? I don't think so. I don't know. I hope not.

You probably do, you just haven't realised it yet.

They're incontinent, you know that? They wee all over your surfaces.

Joe? Can you come here, please?

This is Treacle. All mice tremble in fear in his mighty presence.

I charge £2.50 for the initial...

Joe! Joe!

He's a bit slow because he's wobbly on his legs but once the mice

get a whiff of him you'll never hear from them again.

I'll get him out and let him wander round, shall I?

No. Don't do that. Let me get my boss. OK? Joe!

Check your toasters as well. The trays at the bottom,

sometimes the crumbs aren't crumbs. It's mouse poo!

-All right, man. Do you want to come over here?

-Are you the owner?

-Yes, yes. Just come around.

-Brilliant, round this way?

-Through the door.

-Out the back, is it?

Aargh!

Aaargh!

Don't you ever come to my shop and bother my customers again.

You hear me? What the fuck are you smiling for?

Don't you ever, ever show your face in this shop again.

I'm going to put your head in the deep fryer.

I'm going to deep-fry your fucking face. You understand?

What you fucking smiling about?

-Stupid man.

-Sorry about that.

-Fuck off!

Aidan, it's me.

Tom? Is that you?

Here, let me help you up.

Fancy meeting you here. Oh, look, I'm going to get blood all over you.

No. It's fine, it's fine. Come on.

Are you OK to stand?

I'm OK. I'm grand, I'm grand.

You don't look grand.

Look at my eyes.

What for?

Just close your eyes.

Open them again.

-Close them.

-Are you a doctor, Tom?

No. I just want to see if you have concussion or not,

-see if your pupils are fixed.

-You sound like a doctor.

I'm not a doctor.

Now, when I say, "Go," I want you to open your eyes really wide

and look straight at me.

OK? Ready?

Yes, I'm ready.

OK, go. That's it. That's it. There you are.

You haven't got a concussion.

I think you should still get checked out.

-You took so many blows to the head.

-I'm OK. I've got a skull like a rock.

I've never broken a bone in my body in my entire life.

I haven't. I swear.

I must have bones of steel or something.

Or else very bendy bones like rubber bones.

Treacle! Oh, no, Treacle!

Treacle's missing! Mrs Brophy's going to go crazy!

She'll never speak to me again in my life. This is awful.

-This is terrible! Treacle! Treacle!

-We'll find him.

Tom , you have to help me find him!

-Treacle?

-Treacle!

Tom, you have to help me find him! Tom, you have to help me find him!

Treacle! Treacle!

It's Uncle Aidan. It's Uncle Aidan.

-Treacle?

-Treacle!

Treacle?

Treacle!

Treacle!

Treacle!

Treacle!

Treacle!

Treacle?

Treacle?

Treacle!

-He doesn't look good, does he?

-No.

I wonder how he died.

How old was he?

He wasn't that old. Like 16, 17.

17? That's really old.

Poor Mrs Brophy. Treacle was all she had.

She's a very lonely lady.

I don't like to think of people on their own.

People shouldn't be on their own.

What can we do, Tom?

Mrs Brophy is such a nice lady.

Fuck off, you retard.

I'm really sorry, Mrs Brophy! I'm really, really sorry.

Are you sure you don't want the kitten? I think he's really lovely.

I was thinking maybe you could call him Treacle Jr.

Fuck off.

I don't think she wants him.

What am I going to do with him?

I can't keep him, Linda hates cats, she's super allergic to them.

He's lovely, isn't he? I love you. Oh, I love you.

But nobody wants you.

You're an orphan, Treacle, a little orphan just like me.

We could be orphans together.

You're an orphan?

My mammy and daddy gave me up.

Were you adopted?

No. I didn't have much luck with that.

Do you know why your parents gave you up?

I was a blue baby.

The cord was all wrapped around me

so they thought I was going to turn out like,

"Hello. My name is Aidan. It's really nice to meet you."

But instead, you know, I just turned out fine.

-Have you ever met your parents since?

-No. I did write to them

but they've been a bit slow getting back to me.

But what about you, Tom? I don't know much about you.

Oh...

Sorry. I get very affectionate when I'm drunk.

Very affectionate.

-Sorry. Am I bothering you?

-No, you're fine.

You've got lovely eyes, you know that?

Anyone ever tell you that? Lovely long lashes. Like a horse.

Can I get you another drink?

No, I'm going to go...

Oh, come on, let me get you another. You saved my life today,

it's the least I can do.

I really didn't save your life.

You did come to my rescue.

Yeah, but you lost a source of income.

Sure, I've got millions of other ways of making money.

I'm an entrepreneur. That's what I do.

I cut people's hedges, I wash people's bins, I do anything.

Besides, I've got my savings, see?

I'm saving up, you see?

What are you saving for?

What do you think?

Very good.

Beautiful, isn't she? Only the best for me. Won't be long now.

She's going to be mine. Paul, best one in the shop. Isn't she?

Paul, best one in the shop?

I'm starting a band, you see.

Ask me who's in my band. Ask me.

Who's in your band?

Me, myself and I.

You know The White Stripes? It's just guitar, drums and vocals.

Very stripped back, yeah? Very stripped back.

Well, me, I take things that one stage further.

It's just drums and vocals. You understand, Tom?

It's different, you see? People want something different, don't they?

-Do you want to hear one of me songs?

-Well...

# I am the holy man! I am the holy man!

# There's people in there, fuck it! They're standing in their pockets

# Don't go there after dark A vampire bat will come get you

# Wooo! I'm the holy man! #

Do you want to hear another one?

When you find something you're good at, you just go with it, don't you?

-You do.

-It's like the sticks are extensions of my hands.

It's like I've got stick hands.

It makes me feel very happy when I drum. I feel free.

I feel like I'm in heaven.

I've been keeping some money back from Linda, you know.

She'd go loopy if she knew I was saving up for those drums.

Loopy! Those drums, you know,

they're my ticket to fame and fortune.

I'm going to be famous one day.

When you're famous,

all sorts of people come out of the woodwork, don't they?

That'd be a good way to meet my mother and father again, wouldn't it?

Just using the old noggin, you see?

How do you know you're going to be famous?

You've had trouble with animals today. Am I right?

Yes! Yes! We have, haven't we, Tom?

-Something to do with cats?

-A cat! Yes!

Hear that, Tom? Amazing. Amazing.

-What else?

-I see a new lady in your life.

Linda? Is it Linda? It has to be Linda. Is she black?

She is black.

It is Linda. That's amazing.

I don't think you can trust her.

-What?

-She don't have your best interests at heart.

Oh, no. That's not Linda. It must be someone else.

Someone close to you.

Well, there's Mrs Brophy.

She lives a few doors down, that's pretty close.

-That's not what I mean.

-She's not black.

She does use sun beds quite a lot. Could it be that?

-You have a very strange aura.

-Did you hear that, Tom? That's lucky!

You never said that to me. This is Tom.

He's a vegetarian and he doesn't believe in heaven.

Oh. I see. So I'll be guessing you don't believe in auras then?

No, sorry, I don't.

Don't say that, Tom! Don't say that. He doesn't really mean that.

-Yes, I do.

-Esther, quick, tell him about my famous thing.

Wait till you hear this, Tom. This will blow you away!

Well, the very first time I saw Aidan I could tell

he was going to be famous.

You hear that? The very first time.

She's only said that to one other person and that person turned out

-to be a famous belly dancer.

-A belly dancer?

-Ballet dancer.

-A belly dancer, that's what I said.

She went to the Royal School Of Belly Dancing, isn't that right?

I see Tom's still not convinced.

Esther, will you do Tom for me?

No. No way. I'm not interested, thanks.

-Wait and see. It'll be great.

-No.

You're not very well, are you?

You not very well? What's wrong with you, Tom?

-Who's Sam?

-"Who's Sam?" she says. She said, "Who's Sam?" Who is Sam?

This is clearly bullshit.

-Fuck this.

-Tom! Wait for me. Where are you going?

-Aidan, you've forgotten something.

-Oh, yes. Sorry about that.

Wait up, Tom. Wait, wait.

-Tom! What's wrong?

-Leave me alone.

-What's the matter?

-Was it something she said?

-Leave me the fuck alone.

-What's the matter?

-Fucking leave me alone.

-Have I done something wrong?

-Yes! You never leave me the fuck alone!

I've been trying to get away from you from day fucking one!

-Well, Tom...

-Oh, shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up.

I can't cope with people.

I can't even talk to my wife, I can't talk to my best friends.

Why on earth do you think I'd want to talk to you?

What about Treacle Jr?

'Tom's very sad, ain't he?'

'I think we need to help him, don't you?'

CAT PURRS

'I wish I could just hang on to you... even just for a little while.'

'You probably have no idea that you're going to die one day, do you?

'That's a really nice thing.

'Not to have a worry in the world.'

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Aidan.

-Aidan?

-Hello!

Where are you?

Hi, how's it going?

I've had such a fucking awful night. Oh, God.

I'm fucked.

-Here, massage my neck for me.

-Of course! I love doing that!

-Ow! God! Ouch! No! It's too hard, Aidan!

-Sorry about that.

-Is that a bruise?

-Argh! Don't poke it, you retard!

-Sorry about that.

-Yeah, all right. All right!

What?

Take your trousers off.

Take my trousers off?

-Yeah, take your trousers off.

-What? Why?

-What do you think?

-I thought you said we were never going to do this.

-I know.

And don't get any ideas cos I ain't going to make a habit out of it.

You know, like, I've never really done this before.

Well, maybe at that school, when one of the Christian brothers...

Shut up.

OK.

SHE MOANS

What's going on?

SHE SNEEZES

-Has there been a cat in here?

-What? No, what makes you think that?

Don't fucking lie to me, Aidan, cos I can feel it!

Oh, God. I've got to get out of here.

I want you to hoover up before I get back, all right?

God, it's all right for you cos you do not know how I suffer!

I don't want that bloody cat in here ever again

cos I will fucking kill you, Aidan!

For fuck's sake!

OK, OK, I won't! I won't.

LINDA SNEEZES

DOOR CLOSES

CAT MEOWS

Look here. Look here. Don't worry, everything is going to be all right.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Oh, hello. Aidan.

-Yeah?

It's Lurch.

LINDA SNEEZES

-Bless you.

-Well, come on.

-You're letting all the cold air in standing there.

-Tom!

Tom, I'm so happy to see you! So happy to see you! Where did you go?

-How you been? Are you all right?

-I've come to apologise.

-Apologise? What for?

-I was very rude to you yesterday.

No, you're just upset, I understand that.

That's very gracious of you, but I said things I shouldn't have said.

-You're a nice man...

-Don't be saying that, you know? I blush very easily.

I blush very easily. Am I going a bit beetroot? I feel a bit beetroot.

Anyway...there's something I wanted to ask you -

-if it's OK if I could stay with you for a bit?

-Huh?

-I'd pay rent.

You want to rent out the top bunk!?

-If that's OK?

-If that's OK?! That's brilliant news!

-That's brilliant!

-I've got some money. Here.

-What's that?

-Here.

My goodness! That looks like quite a lot of money...

A couple of hundred.

A couple of hundred?! You could stay for ever for that!

-It's too much. I couldn't take that.

-No, please, please take it.

-It's an advance. It's what people normally do.

-Is it?

Yes. Is it? OK. OK.

All right. So...

Wow! Looks like I can afford me drums now! Brilliant news!

What are you so happy about?

Tom's agreed to rent out the top bunk!

Oh, yeah?

Yes. He's given me £100. £100 upfront, isn't that great news?

Oh? Well, you've just got money to burn, haven't you?

I think that this calls for a PARTY!

I am the king! I am the king! Bow to me! Bow to me!

I didn't know you had a kid.

-He looks nothing like you.

-SHE GIGGLES

I never knew you had a kid, Tom. You never said. Give us a look.

I love kids! Come on, give us a look. Does he have your eyes, Tom?

Tom has lovely eyes.

What's his name, Tom? Tom, what is his name? What is his name?

What's his name?

MUSIC BLARES FROM THE OTHER ROOM

How much longer are you going to be in there?

I need you.

Can you come OUT, please?

I need you.

Fucking lightweight. Come on, you drunken fuck.

AIDAN LAUGHS

It's all right, babe. I've got it from here. Come on.

AIDAN LAUGHS

-What are you laughing at?

-I can't believe Tom gave us so much money.

Mr Moneybags. He is loaded.

You should charge him more for that top bunk.

He gave me £200, that's loads!

-It was £100, you retard.

-No, it was 200. 200.

-I kept some back for my savings.

-Your savings, eh?

What are you saving up for?

-For my drums, of course.

-Your drums?

HE LAUGHS

Just us diehards now, eh?

-I'm off to bed.

-You're not quitting the party so soon, are you?

So...do you always walk around with bags of cash on you?

-Not really, no.

-You should be careful around here, definitely.

Some fuckers would slit your throat for ten pence. I should know...

most of them are my mates.

Aidan was right.

You do have lovely eyes.

-Very sexy eyes actually.

-Please, don't do that. Don't do...

Aidan calls you the gentle giant. That's just what you are, ain't you?

The gentle giant. Except you're not so gentle any more now, hey?

You're quite hard actually. The hard giant.

SHE SPITS

Yeah...

HE GASPS

Oh!

Oops.

Have a good sleep, won't you? Don't fall out the top bunk.

Choose a hand!

What? Erm...

Choose another hand. Uh-uh, wrong one.

The key to the castle. Now you can come and go as you please

but you must be making sure to be home before dark. Only joking.

Now, to celebrate you becoming part of the family - you, me,

Linda, the snails - I'm going to take you out for a special treat.

-You don't have to do that.

-Oh, but I want to, Tom. I want to.

-It's a mystery tour. Do you like mysteries?

-Um...

Oh, you have to come, Tom. It's called the Horniman Museum.

Oh, feck! I can't believe I just told you. I'm rubbish at keeping secrets.

You have to come, Tom. You have to come.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Holy Jesus!

I didn't see you there! What are you doin' sitting there in the dark?

-What happened to your arm?

-What? Oh, this?

-I was mugged by some fella.

-Mugged?!

-Yeah.

-You OK?

Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.

-Did he take anything?

-Only me savings.

-All of your savings?!

-Yes, how unlucky's that?

Aidan, I'm sorry.

Oh, it's OK, know what I mean? Out of one hand, into the other.

That's what I always say. That's another way of looking at it.

I broke me arm, I have a cast, so it's not all doom and gloom, is it?

-Did he break your arm?

-Yes, well...

Kind of when he come at me, I tripped on the kerb and kind of fell funny.

It must have been the easiest mugging in history.

Will you sign my cast for me, Tom? Will you sign it?

-(Sure.)

-Great!

You're the first to sign it, Tom.

What d'you want to draw? What you going to draw?

What's that? Is that an aeroplane?

Oh, is that a tree?

That's not a tree, is it, Tom? That's a knob, boobies and a fanny!

You remembered, Tom! You remembered! Good man!

-Have you told the police?

-Ah, no.

-Why not?

-Linda said, "There's no point, we'll never catch them,

"and the money's all spent now."

That's not the point.

Did you see what he looked like?

Oh, yeah, a funny-looking fella. A drippy eyelid.

-A drippy eyelid?

-A drippy eyelid. Like this...

-A DROOPY eyelid?

-Yes, a drippy eyelid. Like this...

How you doin', Linda? Have you been out shopping?

No, I'm a mad bag lady(!)

Oh, that's funny. Oh, that's very funny!

I'm going to try this on. I'm going to use the mirror in your room so DON'T come in.

She's very funny, isn't she, Tom? D'you think she's funny?

I think that's important in a relationship - laughter.

We never stop laughing.

She might be a tough girl, but she's got a soft side as well, you know?

-A quiet side.

-What the fuck is this?!

-MEOW

-What the fuck is this?

-Ah...

-It's a fucking kitten.

Yes, that is a kitten. That's Treacle Junior.

-Oh... No! Be careful! YELLS:

-It's a fucking kitten!

-Look, I can explain.

-You kept a kitten in here, how fucking long?

-Um...

-All this fucking time?!

-I can explain...

-I'm fucking allergic to cats, you fucking piece of fucking shit!

Aah! You fucking did it on fucking purpose, didn't you?!

-Listen...

-You fucking retard!

-HE YELLS IN PAIN

-TOM SCREAMS

-Leave him alone!

What are you fucking on?

CAT MEOWS

Don't talk to me like that. Cos I know Billy Paul, yeah?

I know fucking gangsters, yeah,

that would slice your fucking head off!

I'll cut your fucking head off!

-Tom, Tom, Tom!

-Calm down, eh?

No, I won't fucking calm down! I won't fucking calm down!

-She stole your money, Aidan.

-What?

-She stole your money.

-No, she didn't, Tom.

It was the fella with the drippy eye stole my money.

-She was fucking him in the cemetery.

-No, Tom, no!

-Fuck off!

-Don't fucking do me, you...

-SHE GASPS

-Tom!

-Why don't you fucking tell the truth for once?

Why don't you tell the truth? Why don't you tell the truth?

Why don't you? Why don't you tell the truth?

SHE PANTS Tell me to talk. Want me to talk, Tom?

-You're lying.

-No, she's not lying.

She's asthmatic. She's asthmatic, Tom! She's having an attack.

Tom! She's asthmatic. She's asthmatic! Get the puffer!

Get the puffer! We have to get the puffer! Get the puffer! Get the puffer!

Linda, where's your puffer? Your bag... It's in the bag...

Look! Tom, look. What am I going to do? Oh!

SHE CHOKES Help me, Tom! Help me!

Help me, Tom! Tom, it's under... I've got to get it. Tom! Help, help!

Come on! Aah! Come on. Tom! I got to get the puffer!

Tom, you reach down. I'll go and look. You reach down to get the puffer.

-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

-AIDAN WAILS

SHE GASPS FOR AIR

CAT MEOWS

How are you feeling now? Better?

Take some of that.

OK, when you're feeling a bit better I think maybe...

you should get your stuff together. Cos I want you to leave.

I want you to go, I want you to get out of my flat.

-You're breaking up with me?

-It's not funny, Linda, I'm serious.

Cos I know what you've been getting up to.

I'm not stupid.

Or maybe I am a bit stupid, but I'm not as stupid as people think I am.

And I won't be letting you get away with certain things cos I feel sorry for you.

You...

-feel sorry for ME?!

-Yes, I do feel sorry for you. Yes, I do.

SHE LAUGHS

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Fuck off!

Listen, Linda. I know fellas have been a bit rough with you in the past and everything,

but I would NEVER hurt you like that! Never!

But look, I just can't help you any more. D'you understand?

Treacle Junior's staying here so you're going to have to go, you're going to have to go!

You're choosing the cat...over me?

Yes, I am. Yes, I am, cos I love that cat! I love that cat!

-DOOR SQUEAKS

-Oh, God!

You know...

You're a fucking slow, spasticated cunt

and you always fucking will be, you fucking RETARD!

And you're a...nasty person!

You're a...nasty person. You're a nasty person.

Because, you know what? I'm going to get ten cats!

I'm going to get ten cats!

HE PANTS I just...

HE LAUGHS

Are you OK, Aidan?

I'm all right.

I'll miss her though, you know?

I liked her. I mean, she wasn't really my girlfriend.

Maybe she's a bit angry, but... I hope she works things out.

I'd like to see her again, maybe when she calms down a bit.

Maybe when I'm famous.

All kinds of people come out the woodwork when you're famous.

Did you ever want to be famous, Tom?

-Yeah...when I was five.

-What did you want to be?

-I wanted to be an astronaut.

-Astronaut, did you?

My father thought it was a silly idea.

Architect, he said, that's a proper job, good money.

And that's what I ended up doing.

Pretty similar things now, Tom, you know? Astronaut, architect...

both begins with "A".

Are you sad, Tom, that you never became an astronaut?

I've been to space.

Have you?

I'm still up there.

I miss my family though. I hadn't planned on that.

It's easy to disappear up there.

The longer you're away...

..the harder it is to come back.

BUZZER RINGS

-Your bush needs seeing to.

-I'm sorry?

Your bush. It's massive. It's like the biggest bush on the street.

Looks like it could do with a trim, will I cut it for you?

-The hedge?

-Yes. 2.50 an hour, I'll make it nice and neat, get lots of light into your room.

No, that's fine. Thanks. Really, thank you.

Seriously, seriously. You really want... Take a look at...

You want to do it yourself?

Hey, Paul!

-Where's she gone?! Where is she?

-Erm...Aidan, yeah.

Where's she... You haven't sold her, have you?

I'm sorry.

-But that was my drum kit! That was my drum kit.

-It's no big deal.

It is a big deal. It is a big deal.

-I can get another...

-No, no, it is a big deal!

-Will you let me finish?

-But you were supposed to keep it for me!

-You were supposed to keep it.

-I can get another one in.

-They were my lucky drums! My lucky drums!

-Don't raise your voice to me.

I WILL RAISE MY VOICE! I WILL RAISE MY VOICE!

HERE! LISTEN! THIS IS MY VOICE RAISED! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

Aah! Rarrgh!

Tom?

Tom?

You'll never believe what happened today.

CAT MEOWS

I bet you're hungry, aren't you?

I suppose I'd better get something to eat.

Oh, what am I talking to you for?

You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?

HE SOBS

HE LAUGHS

'It makes me feel very happy when I drum.

'I feel free, it's... I feel like I'm in heaven.'

'Oh, well, I don't really believe in heaven.'

'Don't believe in heaven? I feel sorry for you.'

HE SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY

'It's a mystery tour.

'D'you like mysteries?'

'I don't like to think of people on their own.

'People shouldn't be on their own.'

# I'd love to be there with you but I'm not

# Got put away on a thankless job

# No-one should put their loved ones last, I know

# But I did and I still do because I can

# And I-I, I'm coming home

# And I-I, I'm coming home... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd