Comfort and Joy

SHOP MUSIC: "Jingle Bells"

AUTOMATED VOICE: Ho, ho, ho!

Hello, children,

this is Father Christmas speaking.

Welcome to my Christmas sweet factory

where my little helpers make all those lovely tasty sweets

that go into your Christmas stocking.

Watch how it's done.

First of all they fill the special sweet-making machine

with sugar. And then they add all the other lovely mixtures that

help make up your favourite sweets.

Here you can see some of my little helpers...

CHOIR SINGING: "God Rest You, Merry Gentlemen."

# Remember Christ our saviour

# Was born on Christmas day

# To save us all from Satan's power

# When we were gone astray

# Oh tidings of comfort and joy

# Comfort and joy

# Oh tidings of comfort and joy...

# Oh tidings of comfort and joy

# Comfort and joy

# Oh tidings of comfort and joy... #

-Thank you.

-Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye.

BRASS BAND PLAYS

-You'll be the death of me, Maddy.

-Shut up and get the car.

You're going bald, it must be nerves.

Thank you.

-Shit, these are all size large.

-You've got to stop it, Maddy,

-I can't stand the strain.

-Stay home, then.

If you've got to steal things then at least be practical.

We needed onions, we did not need more Christmas lights.

You buy the food, I'll get the goodies.

Please don't smoke in the car, Maddy.

Stop it. Stop it.

Maddy, have you any idea what a burning cigarette can do to velour upholstery?

I can live with the pollution, but you're becoming a fire hazard, too, and that's the problem.

-SHE SINGS

-Look, don't get me wrong, I'm not worried about the car,

I can live with that, it's your own safety that concerns me.

SHE WHISTLES

HE SINGS IN BACKGROUND

Hm, very, very nice, thank you, Maddy.

Mwah!

But why the four sets of Christmas lights?

I want to have lots of lights on the tree.

Well, we can always use the other two sets as spares.

-No, they all go on the tree.

-OK.

Do you want to go out tonight?

No.

Do you want to eat?

Later.

Do you want to wrap Auntie Betty's handbag?

-CHUCKLING:

-No.

-WHISPERING:

-No.

-No.

No...?

-No, no...?

-No, no...

Mmmmm...

SHE CHUCKLES

HE HUMS TO THE MUSIC ON STEREO

-Mmmm!

-What time is it, Alan?

Christmas time, I think. Mm-hm.

MUSIC: "Love Over Gold" by Dire Straits

Just a wee something.

# Just to see what you will find... #

Cheers.

Maddy, I think it's time we took some of the price tags

-off these things, isn't it?

-Why?

I think there was some tags in the olives.

-OK.

-What are you doing, are you collecting them, or what?

I am, yeah. Get a Ford Fiesta.

THEY CHUCKLE

CROCKERY CLINKING

You sure you don't want to go out, Maddy?

-It's only eight.

-No.

Maddy...?

What are you up to?

I'm leavin'.

Alan, I'm taking some things and...

my things,

and I'm leavin'.

I meant to tell you ages ago, but the moment didn't arise.

I have to go. I wanted to talk to you about it, but...

-..it just didn't happen.

-Maddy, please...

-Sit down, we can talk about it now.

-It's too late.

George is coming over soon, he's, er...

he's hired a truck.

I meant to tell you ages ago.

Your sister set this up, didn't she?

-It's your crazy sister.

-No, it's me!

I'm doing it.

I asked George to help me move out, that...that's all.

DOORBELL RINGS

VOICES IN BACKGROUND

No, it'll be all right, it'll be finished quicker than you think.

Evening, Alan, all right...

MAN WHISTLES

-All right.

-Good evening.

-Er, fellas, if you could go through here...?

-Aye, sure, sure.

-Nae bother.

-There's a table and some chairs.

-We'll make a start.

Are you quite serious about this, then, Maddy?

Look, I'm really sorry about this, Alan.

I'm just helping out.

No hard feelings, eh? I mean it's just, it's just...women.

George, there's some more chairs in the kitchen.

-Right, right, Maddy.

-Maddy, baby, please. Talk to me.

-Stay and talk to me.

-Oh, don't let's drag it out, Alan.

Don't be cruel.

-Nice chair.

-Aye.

Sorry.

-Maddy!

-Please stop this, Alan. You're not making it easy.

You don't make anything easy.

MEN WHISTLE

All right, leave the book, I'm reading it.

Eh? Just leave that book, I'm reading it.

Oh, put it in the box, please. It's my book.

I'm halfway through it, could you just leave the damn book?!

-You didn't buy it.

-Neither did you buy it.

Well, it's mine.

Oh, right, well, that's my sweater, if it comes down to it,

-so...give me the sweater.

-Oh, you're upset, don't be childish.

If I'm a child then you're a... thief!

I only wanted it as a keepsake.

But if you feel that strongly about it you can have it.

Have the book too, with my compliments.

Oh...

I don't want to do this, you know. I don't know why I'm doing it.

-I don't want to do it.

-Well, it's very good of you, Alan.

-I mean, very good. No, no, no, down. Right. - Easy with the handle.

-Right.

So you really, really want to leave then, eh?

You really want to go...

-now? Leave?

-Yeah.

Phoo... It's a bit of a shock.

I know.

HE SHIVERS

I wanted to get the lights on the tree for you, before I left.

Well, come upstairs and do that, then, eh?

No. You do it.

Don't leave it bare.

Can I drive you anywhere?

No. I'll go with George.

Be good.

DOOR SHUTS

ENGINE STARTS

ALARM BEEPS

HE GROANS

ALARM STOPS

MELANCHOLY SAXOPHONE MUSIC

Oi.

BIRDS CAW

HE MOUTHS

MILK BOTTLES CLINK

JINGLE: # It's six o'clock in the morning... #

-Morning, Moira.

-Good morning, Dicky.

# 261, we bring you the national news on the hour... #

This is the six o'clock news headlines with Peter Porter reporting.

More fighting has broken out in Burunda, West Africa.

Rival guerrilla groups are claiming victory over President Mande's republican troops.

And Radio Burunda last night announced a total curfew in the capital.

In Washington, the Pentagon has confirmed that the US Fleet,

at present exercising off the coast of Burunda, would continue its watching patrol.

In the Middle East, the hoped-for settlement of fighting in Evonia has hit new obstacles.

Delegates from both sides abandoned the Christmas peace conference yesterday,

and later fresh rocket attacks took place at the capital's airport.

27 people died before UN troops managed to stop the shelling.

And in the Far East, 40 civilian refugees died in heavy bombing

attacks on the island of Samato

when the Christmas truce there broke down yesterday.

Opponents of the dictatorship government of President Barmi

claimed the armed forces were deliberately attacking

civilian targets as an act of provocation.

More foreign news...

Mamie, the giant panda recently arrived at the Moscow Zoo

as a gift from the People's Republic of China, might just be pregnant.

Officials at the Moscow Zoo said that tests today should confirm the pregnancy.

All this week, Mamie has been off her food

and suffering from morning sickness. "Mamie needs peace and quiet now," said the zoo official.

And lastly, the weather for west central Scotland and the city -

this morning will be milder than overnight, still no sign of a white Christmas,

and some light rain might reach the area by early evening.

The next news at seven,

and now stand by for your daily dose of Dicky Bird...

JINGLE: # National news on the hour... #

Thanks for all that wonderful six o'clock news, Peter.

You know, I keep telling him that it would be cheaper to telephone

the early news to those half a dozen poor souls that have been

listening to "Yawn-a-minute" Kelly all night but he won't listen to me.

JINGLE: # Time to get up

# Hello, Dicky. Good morning'... #

Hello!

# Tweet, tweet, hello!

# Good morning' tweet, tweet... #

Anyway, the fun starts now because Dicky Bird is here to get you up,

get you to work or wherever it is you have be by nine.

# Don't you know what they say about the early worm...? #

What do they say?

# It always gets the bird! #

Yes, it's the Dicky Bird Early Worm Show.

HE WHISTLES

SCOTTISH FIDDLE MUSIC

-What up?

-Hi, Steve.

-You OK?

-Aye, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Keep your pecker up, eh?

He's done it again, folks. Kelly's fallen asleep at the microphone.

I got here only just in time.

Anyway, here's a quick traffic round-up -

there's absolutely nothing on the streets right now.

Not a car in sight, so why don't you take advantage of that?

Get in your car and get into work straightaway, you'll be in three hours early.

There'll be another traffic round-up at the same time tomorrow.

And Nancy in the front office has just come in to tell me that the

lookalike competition has captured her imagination again this week.

A man from Paisley has just phoned in to say that his wife is

the absolute double of Richard Nixon.

HE CHUCKLES

We'll believe anything that happens in Paisley, but the rules are,

either a photograph sent to the station or why don't you

just pop up and let Nancy check you out in person,

and I can tell you that's a journey very, very well worth making, eh?

# Lookalike somebody famous! #

I've just seen the very lovely Anne coming in there

to give us the 8.30 travel round-up.

I wonder who Anne thinks she looks like.

I think there's a little touch of the Ingrid Bergman in there.

How are you, Annie? Are you all right?

-Thank you, Dicky, yes, I'm fine.

-OK, so where should we avoid

-traffic-wise today?

-Er, how about everywhere?

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. I'll leave you to it, then.

Thank you. Well, Dicky, Christmas traffic is expected to be the main problem again today

with all city-centre car parks likely to be

filling up by mid morning, and a lot more vehicles prowling

the streets looking for parking space, so the same old advice...

Can you get me a line, Nancy, please?

-You can use public transport...

-Thanks.

At the moment, however, traffic is moving well on the Kingston Bridge

despite the closure of Bothwell Street exit,

and the tunnel northbound and southbound

is easing off now, too.

-Some delays still to be expected...

-Hello, Colin.

Alan here, yeah. I'm in deep trouble, friend.

Could you come over? I'll see you at the house about 11, OK?

Anyone travelling further north should be on the lookout...

-God bless.

-..A9/M9 north of Perth.

Nothing else at the moment, so back to you, Dicky.

# Radio... 61

# Here on 261... #

Oh, boy.

-She really meant business, eh?

-Don't say that.

What do you want me to say?

That she'll be back in a day or two with her tail between her legs?

-And the piano and the dining table.

-She left the washing machine, that could be a good sign, eh?

I don't see Maddy coming back for the washing machine.

Fur coat, maybe.

She, er, didn't leave her fur coat, did she?

-Was everything hers?

-Hmm?

Mm-hm.

Except for the mortgage, that was mine.

Well, you know Maddy, she was always acquiring things.

She liked acquiring things!

What am I going to do?

Do you realise how lucky you are?

HE CHORTLES

Don't you see what an opportunity you have?

Many people our age would give an arm and a leg

to able to just break out and start all over again.

It's a new life.

That's what you've been handed on a plate.

Look around you...

Everything here is you.

This little table is you.

The book there...it's you. There's nothing but you here now.

What a chance!

Look, you've been submerged in another person's personality.

Become a sub-person, and now you're free.

Thanks a lot.

Why didn't you tell me all this before?

Because Maddy was...

just utterly fantastic and special.

And you deserved as much of her as you were going to get.

But now you've had it.

It's your turn now.

Anyway, there was always something unreal about you two.

You were like kids... playing and fighting.

-It was a bit of a caper, wasn't it?

-No, don't say that, I worshipped her.

That's not the nicest thing you can do to somebody, is it? I hope you don't worship me.

No!

You're my friend.

BEEPING

Did Maddy take the telephone?

-SCOFFING:

-No! It's in there.

286, please.

It works, you're still in business.

ALAN CHUCKLES

Rhona, it's Colin...

Uh-huh. Eh, where did it come from?

Aye. What age?

What, was it an accident?

Erm...

good. Well, you fix up the theatre for, er, two, uh-huh...

Get pre-med finished and I'll see you in, eh,

ten minutes, OK?

Erm...

got to go and introduce somebody to a second-hand kidney.

-Ha-ha.

-What will you do?

I'll do some shopping.

Get some things for the house, pots and pans and things...

Good lad. Erm...

want to eat with us tonight?

Aye, maybe. I'll let you know.

OK.

Colin...?

Do you think she loved me?

Sure she did. She told me one night, when she was drunk.

-She never told me.

-Well, she wouldn't.

Where was I at the time?

You were through in the kitchen telling Fiona you loved her.

You were drunk too.

SHOP MUSIC: "Silent Night"

You know you can have all three pots the same colour?

-Eh, no, no, it doesn't matter.

-Are you sure?! Ha! OK.

I kind of like the mix and match.

THEY CHUCKLE

I just thought it might look nicer.

BRASS BAND PLAYS

WOMAN GIGGLES

MELANCHOLY SAXOPHONE MUSIC

RADIO ANNOUNCER: No less than eight Christmas truces are

in jeopardy around the world today and intense diplomatic

activity continues in an effort to reduce global tension.

In the Middle East, the American special envoy has meetings

with rival leaders whilst heavy fighting

continued on the outskirts of...

He said - "We will have peace here at any price."

Mamie, the giant panda is said to be comfortable and well...

shortly after her pregnancy was confirmed...

SONG ON RADIO

..in acts of looting and other violence...

RADIO JINGLE

# Sit tight we'll bring you the traffic situation right now

# In your car, right now in your car... #

HORNS BLARE

ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE

# Hello, folks

# Hello, folks

# Hello, folks. #

GIGGLING

Yes, please, sir...?

-Eh, 99, please.

-With or without?

-Hm?

-Raspberry.

-Oh, with, please.

-Right.

There we are...

BOTTLE SQUELCHES

And, er...a Highland Toffee, please.

-Thank you.

-There we are, thank you.

Thank you.

CAR APPROACHES AT SPEED

SQUELCHES

SQUELCHES

YELLING

BEAT IT!

GET TO HELL, THE PAIR OF YE!

Oh, oh!

Hey! It's you, innit?

It's Dicky Bird!

-Dicky Bird's here!

-For God's sake, in the car!

-Give us an autograph, Dicky.

-Sorry, I don't have a pen on me, I'm sorry.

Come on to hell, let's get out of here!

Give us a dedication at least, eh? For my mother.

-Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

-Tomorrow morning?

-Right.

-Have you any Mantovani or Dean Martin?

-Bound to, bound to.

-What, Memories Are Made Of This or something?

-Aye, lovely.

Yes, sir, can I help you? A refill for your 99?

-Are you OK?

-What, what? Oh, yes, everything's under control, don't worry about a thing, sir.

-Was there something you wanted?

-Are you hurt, is that blood?

No, it's just raspberry essence. Don't worry about it, just some high-spirited youths.

Now, if there's nothing else you want I think we'd better be on our way.

GLASS TINKLES

VAN JINGLE

# Hello, folks

# Hello, folks

# Hello, folks

# Hello, folks

JINGLE PLAYS OFF KEY

# Hello, folks... #

HE GROANS

DOORBELL RINGS

Maddy!

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, baby, oh!

-Have you still got a bed?

-Uh-huh!

Oh, I missed you!

Oh.

Where did you get these pyjamas?

I was cold. I don't need them.

Can I stay the night?

You can stay for ever. You know that.

OK, I'll stay for ever.

HE SIGHS

Oh, sh...

Sh-shit!

HE GROANS

JINGLE: # National news on the hour. #

Another border clash took place in the night in the Bulati mountains

between troops of Bulati and Nigorr.

A Bulati army statement claimed...

Keith...?

-Yeah.

-Fix me up a booth for ten o'clock, would you?

I'd like to do some commercials and some trails for the weekend. You could edit them, OK?

Sure thing, Alan.

-Oh, Keith...?

-Yeah?

What would clean ice-cream stains off velour upholstery?

Ah, now that sounds like a hot water and detergent job,

but you'd need to wet the whole seat so it wouldn't leave a mark.

-It'll be a bit tricky.

-OK, thanks.

JINGLE: # Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munches, they last my whole day... #

Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops, you just munch them all day, they never stop.

# Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops, I want them now. #

Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munches

that lasts all-l-l-l-l...day.

MUNCHING

It was a bit dry, maybe?

TAPE REWINDS

All right. Spin it again.

# Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munches, they last my whole day... #

Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops! You just eat them all day, they never stop...

Oh, no, no. You said, "eat", Alan. It should be, "munch."

Oh, sh...

# ...the big, big bag of munches, they last my whole day. #

Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops, you just munch them all day, they never...

Cut. There's something wrong, the rhythm's wrong.

It's that "you." We don't need this "you."

How the...? Who wrote this stuff?

# Thrifty Pops, the big, big bag of munches, they last my whole day. #

Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops, munch them all day, they never stop.

# Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops... #

TAPE REWINDS

Well...

I'm not so sure. I think the "you" had something.

It broke the beat. You know, the way it came in on the sub beat was quite special.

Give us it, again.

# ...the big, big bag of munches, they last my whole day. #

Nancy, is Hilary in? I'd like a word with him.

I'll find out if he's free.

# Thrifty Pops, Thrifty Pops... #

-Oh, shut it.

-Hello, Gloria.

Alan Bird would like to see Hilary if he's free.

-Two minutes' time?

-Lovely.

-Thanks, Gloria.

How's the lookalikes competition coming along?

Fine. Everyone still wants to look like Princess You Know Who, though.

Do you know, I'm going to get my dentist to write in,

he's the absolute spitting image of George C Scott.

I hear the Seven Deadly Sins and The Terrible Twins came to call on you.

Dire straits.

The bigger they are, babe, the harder they fall on you.

KNOCKS DOOR

JINGLE: # Turn your radio on. #

Hello...?

GIGGLING

Come on, now, stop your nonsense, Gloria.

-Oh, no, that's not fair.

-It's absolutely fair.

-I'm allowed to do that.

-Right, right, I want a turn, then.

No...you, look...listen.

Don't put your finger there, I can't get in if you put your finger there.

Well, you have to be quicker than that.

GAME BEEPS

-I was always known as very quick.

-You did that when I wisnae looking.

Oh, look what you've done now!

LAUGHTER

-Get, get out of there!

-I think that will be all, eh, Gloria, eh...

-for the moment. Ah, come in, Alan. Come away in.

-Hello, Hilary.

That phone-in joke spot on Monday was ace, tip-top.

I hope you're going to keep it in.

-Thanks.

-Well, now, what can I do for you?

Ah, I just like to talk.

I think, I think things are changing.

I think I'm changing...maybe.

I don't think this is a good time to talk about money, Alan,

I mean, the Christmas bonus is in the pipeline. Now, you know that.

Oh, it's not money, Hilary. No, I don't mean money, I mean formats.

Programmes. Other things that maybe I could handle.

-What do you mean?

-I'm not a kid.

I'm a serious person, I've got serious friends.

Maybe I should be more serious, sometimes, on the air.

I don't...

catch your drift.

I'm not just a clown, maybe I could do other kinds of shows...

like a...like a documentary.

A documentary?

Yeah, it's a real kind of a show, it's got real things.

People. You know, out on the streets, you know, real things.

I could follow something up and make a show.

-In depth.

-Aye.

Rufus told me about Madeline leaving.

Who the hell told Rufus?

Anyway, it's got nothing to do with Maddy, this is work.

I think I'm onto something, I want to chase it up.

Make a programme. You know, there are things

going on in this town that would make your hair curl.

Have I ever told you about my... navy days?

We used to do ship-to-ship transfers, you know,

breeches buoy.

Just a little bucket seat away out there in the ocean.

There was a point, you see, when you'd be halfway between

one ship and the other.

And the swell, sometimes,

would put both ships out of sight, oh, for 15, 20 seconds.

And there you'd be... hanging beneath a bit of rope

and nothing all about you but angry water.

You get my point?

No.

But, surely...?

If you're...where you...

Are you sure you don't get the point?

Not exactly.

It's depression, Alan, depression.

You're stuck between where you've been and where you're going.

And you've lost sight of both.

The secret, Alan...is faith.

Next time you look up, the way ahead will be clear.

Think about it.

Can I make a documentary anyway?

Alan, the resources of the station are yours to make use of,

you know that.

But I don't see any need to tamper with...

the Dicky Bird Early Worm Show, do you?

Fair enough.

-I can pick up a tape recorder at the newsroom?

-Of course you can.

Knock on the door any time, Alan. Oh, and Alan...?

Don't fret about these angry seas below you.

I'll be seeing you, Hilary.

Aye, Gloria, listen, get on to the legal department, would you?

I want the lowdown on Alan Bird's contract.

Aye, find out if it's yearly or six-monthly. Oh, and, Gloria...

find out if there's a sanity clause.

No, sanity clause!

Santa Claus!

Oh, aye...

HE COUGHS

Dicky Bird, documentary - Bird's Eye View, take one...

Alan Bird, documentary, Bird's Eye View, take one.

Here I am, in the heart of the city.

Talking about this...

..place, er...

We all think that we know our own place.

Our own town, but...do we?

How much do we know?

Or care?

Things happen around us that...

The other night I saw two men demolish an ice-cream van

with iron bars. Can you believe it?

Right here, in this city.

There are things...

..going on in this city that would make you...

Maddy, please come home.

I want to see you today.

I want to see what you're wearing.

I want you to tell me a joke.

I want to make you something nice to eat.

Ice cream is not something that many of us

give a great deal of thought to, but, erm...

..especially at this time of year when...

Hello, Colin, yeah this is Alan. This is an SOS.

Can I come over?

-RADIO:

-Hi, this is Dicky Bird and I've got a real problem.

I've just tasted an exciting new minty snack called Easy Chews,

but I can't decide whether it's a mint or a chew bar.

It comes from the people who make Minty Crunch so you know

that it tastes good and minty but it chews like a real chewy, chew bar.

It's a between-meals snack and it comes in four big chocolate-covered fingers.

Try one and then you decide -

is it a mint or is it a chew? It's a problem...

How was the operation yesterday?

-Eh?

-The operation...

Oh, yeah. It was fine...

The bugger had eaten a sandwich the night before and not told us.

Very nearly sewed his new kidney onto a piece of tomato.

THEY CHUCKLE

The one essential is a good empty gut.

But, the kidney seems like a good match.

What did you do last night?

I bought some ice cream.

-Oh.

-Do you know anything about ice cream?

I mean, professionally. Medically.

-Erm...

-Chemically?

Not a lot, no.

BABY CRIES

You should ask the expert.

Aye!

BABY CRIES

Could you fix Katy's doll for her, please?

I've left my needle and thread at the hospital, sweetheart.

This is a real mess, Lily.

BABY CONTINUES CRYING

I told you about amputations, you just watch them closely

and only chop if you have to, OK?

BABY CONTINUES CRYING

I wish I could cry like that. I've forgotten how to.

Have another couple of drinks and it will all come back.

Oh, aye.

That's serious medical advice.

Sometimes there's nothing like a good skinful.

Stay the night, Alan, the girls can double up.

BABY CONTINUES CRYING

-Do you want me to ask him?

-Mm-hm.

OK.

Lily says you can get her ready for bed tonight,

Uncle Dicky. And that's a great honour.

Dicky on the bed, girls in the bunk, all right?

-Yeah.

-Night, night, ladies.

-Kiss Daddy night, night.

-Big kiss.

-Oh.

BABY CONTINUES CRYING

Night, night, sweetheart.

Come on... There. Come on...

You're a lucky bugger.

How did you get it all together?

-You're so productive.

-Reproductive, there's a difference.

Don't forget, I was always jealous of you at university.

Organising the hops, mmm...

HE CHUCKLES

Mr Showbiz. Pulling girls.

Failing exams.

Even that made me jealous, I didn't have the guts to fail exams.

You're just trying to make me feel better.

Well, that's my job.

HE EXHALES

I only hung around with you because you knew all the fast girls.

You married one of them. You got one of them to keep.

I don't even have a home.

You drive around this city and all you see are homes.

-And I don't have one.

-Oh, we've all got worries, you know.

I have this recurring nightmare about you coming to date

one of my daughters in about ten years' time, it's awful.

Well, she will be old enough to know her own mind, Colin.

Well, imagine...

..that little madam want you to undress her tonight? She's six years old.

HE CHUCKLES

TOY SQUEAKS

SQUEAK

TINY SQUEAK

SQUEAKING

HE SIGHS

Night, night, Dicky.

Night, night, Lily.

Erm, will you be staying tomorrow night?

-WHISPERS:

-I don't think so.

Will you play me a record?

On the Saturday show.

-I promise.

-And it's for Andrew, but don't mention my name.

OK.

-Night, night.

-Night, night.

What happened to the car?

-Ice-cream cones.

-Take me home, I'm freezing.

How did you find me?

Oh, I tried you at home and the rest was easy.

You're a dream, aren't you?

SHE CHUCKLES

No, I'm real.

Touch me.

Feel me.

Sniff me.

SHE LAUGHS

I smell nice, don't I?

-Even my sweat smells nice.

-Mmm.

SHE CHUCKLES

Take me home.

Oh, you wee bugger, you're not a dream.

Maddy, I'm...

Hi, Dicky Bird here. My parties are going with a zing this Christmas and you know why?

It's new Party Mix. The drink mixer for every taste,

in tangy tropical four fruits or smoothie tomato flavour.

Yes, gin, vodka and Bacardi taste new and exciting with Party Mix.

Come in and join the crowd with Party Mix.

WOMAN: Hey, Dicky darling, over here...

Excuse me, folks, see you later!

Help yourself to the Party Mix.

JINGLE BEGINS

Sorry, Alan, we'd like to go again for the balance, we have to do a live mix, OK?

TAPE REWINDS

Clive says can you make it a bit more suggestive at the end,

like you know you're going to have a good time?

A good time. Lovely, aye.

DRINK FIZZES

Uhhm.

A message for you, Alan.

A Mr Bruno Culinari says he'll see you outside the car park

-at six o'clock.

-Mr who...?

-Bruno Culinari. He was a bit weird.

-Mm-hm.

-OK, thanks.

-Alan - Bob Hope and Fred Astaire, the doubles competition.

-I'm Bob Hope.

-Right.

I was actually more like him when I was younger.

I've got a photograph.

-Do photographs count?

-I'm not sure about that.

No, the rules are a wee bit hazy on that score!

Look, this was taken in 1958 and everybody says that

I was Bob Hope's double.

Surely that must go for something?

Aye, well, look, Bob... we'll let you know, thanks.

Er, Mr Bird... Fred Astaire...?

-Yeah.

-Thank you for coming, Mr Bird. Come on out. You're OK.

It's a real treat to meet you, Mr Bird.

This is my brother, Paolo.

-How you doing?

-And that's Renato.

RENATO WHISTLES RADIO THEME TUNE

THEY CHUCKLE

And I'm Bruno.

Come inside and meet Mr McCool.

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Mr Bird, meet Mr McCool.

Mr Bird, I believe you know Mr Bunny.

Oh, no. Hardly at all.

I bought a 99 from him and we exchanged a few words.

Sit down, please, Mr Bird.

Mr Bird, ice cream is an old established business.

Everybody knows where he stands in this city.

We all work together. It's a kind of...family.

That sounds nice.

Of course, everything works on trust, kind of unwritten rules.

A certain amount of honour is involved.

-But Mr Bunny doesn't play by the rules.

-The unwritten ones?

-Yes.

The unwritten ones.

It's a territorial thing, really.

Other people working the east and in the south.

But we do business here in the north, where we belong.

But Mr Bunny is all over the place, Mr Bird.

He is an interloper.

He is like a rogue elephant. Wild, no rules.

Well, as I say, I... we only exchanged a few words.

In fact, I'm not even sure if it was Mr Bunny himself.

No, no, no. There is no Mr Bunny, Mr Bird. I told you.

He's wild, he's a rogue.

No family, no heart. Just a bunch of desperadoes.

What's it got to do with me?

You must talk to him. Let him see reason.

-Before things get bad.

-But they're bad already!

I mean, my car, the seats are ruined.

You ever tried to get ice cream off velour upholstery?

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

My father says that things can only get worse if you don't help us.

People do desperate things when their livelihood is threatened.

For reasons of honour

and for other reasons we can't talk directly to Mr Bunny.

Everybody puts their faith in you.

My father says that he speaks for the whole of the ice-cream community

and my father asks if he can call you Dicky?

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

My father says that ice cream is his life.

And, er, he's called you Dicky again.

Oh, call me Alan.

My friends call me Alan.

Well, eh...

..I'll do what I can.

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

HE REPLIES IN ITALIAN

Thank you for helping us.

I knew you would. You came along just when we needed you.

The best machine...

for the best ice cream.

Ah, grazie, Renato.

LIQUID BUBBLES

A small token of our appreciation, Alan.

Gold medal deluxe vanilla.

Of course you can have any flavour you like.

No, no, vanilla is fine, yes.

And this is what Mr Bunny and people like him

want to deprive the people of - a first-class ice cream.

Please.

-Oh. Thank you.

-Pleasure.

-And I wonder...?

-Yes.

-Could you help me out with a pint of milk?

-I think I've missed the shop.

-Of course, of course.

THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN

Ah, that's Archie and Amos, two of my best men.

He's Dicky Bird from the radio.

Erm, I'm Amos, he's Archie.

POUNDING ON DOOR

Bruno...

-Oh...

-Here, let me pay for this.

Well, if you insist, it's 20 pence, that's exactly what we pay.

ALAN MUMBLES

RENATO SHIVERS

-There you are.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Ah, Bruno...

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

My father apologises for speaking in Italian

-but he says it's the language of his heart.

-Oh, sure.

Well, eh...

cheerio and, erm, thanks for the milk and the ice cream and, erm...

Good night, Mr Bird. Thank you very much. Good night.

Shake the man's hand.

Good night.

Good night, we'll keep in touch.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Dicky, Dicky, could I have your autograph?

Oh, sure, sure. Yes. Have you got a pen, or something?

Lovely. What was your name again?

Could you make it, "To my dear friend Paolo"?

"To my dear friend, Paolo."

-Paolo.

-That's a good Scots name, eh?

PAOLO CHUCKLES

"Dicky Bird. Tweet...

"..tweedly tweet."

-That's great.

-Lovely, OK?

-Thanks a lot.

-See you.

-Lovely car.

-Aye. Thanks very much.

ENGINE STARTS

THEY SPEAK ITALIAN

MUSIC ON RADIO: "Me And Mrs Jones" by Billy Paul

# Me and Mrs Jones

# We got a thing

# Going on

# We meet every day at the same cafe... #

MELANCHOLY SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS

I know that this will be very bad news for Bob Hope of Anniesland

but come on, Bob, keep trying. Maybe you could practise looking like

somebody else, eh?!

JINGLE: # Somebody famous

# Lookalike, lookalike somebody famous. #

SINISTER SCORE

And before I go today I want to steal the airwaves

and just get a teensy bit serious.

I've got a message for someone who might just be listening.

Mr Bunny or Miss Bunny, I do want to talk to you again,

so how about same time same place? Tonight?

End of message.

And listen, everybody, one day soon I'm going to tell you all about this,

perhaps even in a very special programme

but until then, I'm a man of mystery!

I'm afraid that tooth's very bad.

So, what we'll do...

seeing it's you...

..we'll pop a dressing into it and...

..if there's no pain at all, fix it on your next visit.

ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE

ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE

# Hello, folks. #

ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE

# Hello, folks! #

SMASH!

This is the reserve vehicle. The rest are back at the body shop.

This is me completely out of action, no more front-line units.

-I just wanted to have a word with you.

-I know that.

I was coming to see you. What did you think I was doing?

-I thought you were trying to get away.

-Oh, God Almighty.

This is my first night on the estate. I was cleaning up here.

The radiator's OK.

I'll get the lads at the body shop to beat this out for you.

No, no, I'll get it fixed.

There's no point in hanging about here, is there?

Follow me back to HQ.

Seen some action tonight, Trevor. Was it a ramming job?

It was Robin Hood here coming to rescue me.

Hello, folks.

-Oh, you're...

-HE WHISTLES

It's just superficial damage. I'll get Roddy to bash it out

-and slap some paint on it.

-Oh, no, please, I'll fix it tomorrow.

Suit yourself, it'll cost you a fortune to get fixed anywhere else.

Oh, we can field two units tomorrow night,

-I fixed up the freezer on the Merc.

-Good, well done.

-Listen, is Charlotte in the...?

-She's in the office.

So, is this really the ultimate driving machine?

-Hm.

-Good.

Hello, folks!

Hello, folks!

Take a seat.

-Mr Bird here wants to talk to us. He's seen McCool.

-Oh, yeah.

McCool wants to get together, reach an agreement. He's very upset.

SHE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

-I think it's a serious offer.

-McCool is serious all right.

He is deadly serious.

SHE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

Do you have any idea what you're getting involved in here?

-Do you work for McCool?

-Certainly not. I'm a journalist.

I'm trying to stop senseless violence.

McCool runs a big outfit, he wants to talk.

He wants to annihilate us, is what he wants.

McCool has a stranglehold on every independent operator in the north of this city.

He controls every franchise - wafer supply, ice cream, soft drinks.

He's even got a 10% mark-up on every gallon of raspberry essence.

You do your shopping elsewhere, you get the demolition treatment.

SHE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

How long have you been locked up in that radio station of yours, Mr Bird?

Do you have any idea what's going on around here?

I got the impression he wants to try and find a working relationship.

Oh, yeah, exactly. Us working for him.

You want me to go out there and tell those people that you want them to work for McCool.

After the threats, the violence - you go and tell them.

Something's got to be done, it seems so stupid.

It's almost like a joke, people getting

so angry about ice cream, it's a joke.

And what deadly serious occupation are you involved in, Mr Dicky Bird?

What exactly is your contribution to humanity?

I want to help. But what can I do?

I want to help all of you find a solution.

SHE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

Capisca.

SHE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

You tell McCool this.

We'll take his ice cream but under our conditions.

Every Mr Bunny is his own boss and that's the way it stays.

We're talking equal prices with no mark-ups.

In an open market in wafers, we buy what we want.

If he prices fairly, then he gets the business.

On territories, we are willing to negotiate openly around the table,

we talk under those conditions.

Where do you get your supplies from at the moment?

So, that's what McCool's after. That's why he sent you.

-He must be worried, Charlotte.

-Nobody sent me.

OK, well, you go back to where nobody sent you from and tell them

what we said - we talk in an open market.

-OK.

-OK.

You'd better go before the boys get to work on your car.

You'll end up with a fridge in the back, and a set of chimes.

Charlotte, see Mr Bird off the premises.

HE TRIES TO SPEAK ITALIAN

-I speak English.

-Good, I am on your side, Charlotte. You know that.

Well, I am on both your sides, really.

I think you should all be on the same side.

I'd really like to see you again. Get to know you better.

What's the matter? Don't people date each other any more?

-Well, I don't know.

-Mr Bird...?

When you see McCool, be sure and remind him - formerly Mr Softy.

No more.

Here, some ice cream for you.

Thank you.

Oh, in the name of...

Be finished in a minute, Dicky.

JINGLES PLAY ON CAR RADIO

-Hello, Mr Bird, please come in.

-Sit down.

-Thank you.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

-Cake or chocolate biscuit, Alan?

-Yes, please.

-Maria.

Maria, what have you got left? Any Kunzel cake?

-Yes, I have two Kunzel cakes and some apple pie.

-Oh, good, good.

Mr Bird and I will have Kunzel cakes, and some biscuit for the boys,

and a slice of apple pie, too. There's a good girl.

I wanted some Kunzel cake as well.

That's a pity, Bruno, because you'll just have to have some apple pie, won't you?

So, Alan, what did Mr Bunny have to say for himself?

A lot. He wants to talk. I think it could work out good.

-Where did you meet? His place?

-Hm-mm.

-We went there, yes.

-Where?

-Where is it?

-Now, listen, I'm not taking any sides.

You asked me to help you talk to Mr Bunny.

That's all.

-Bruno, please. Here. Have this.

-Thanks.

-Bruno!

Give Alan his Kunzel cake.

They have simple demands, they want to do business with you,

-that's obvious.

-Who? Who's they?

-I spoke with Trevor, that's no secret, is it?

-Trevor?

Trevor, Trevor, Trevor!

HE RANTS IN ITALIAN

My father says, of all the most loathsome names you have to

mention that one, the most abhorred name of all,

the name of a two-timing interloping fish and chip seller,

a name without honour,

the name of a son whose father turns in his grave to see

the disgrace that he brings to his family.

I don't understand.

Trevor is a Marinetti, they have fish and chip shops

all over, we were close to them at one time

then Trevor started to drift into ice cream.

HE shouldn't have, because there was a kind of...

Unwritten law?

Yes, an unwritten law.

I forgot, I was at the dentist today.

-What else happened at Mr Bunny, Alan?

-Nothing much.

He wants to talk, that's for sure and, um,

he gave me some ice cream, just like you did.

They gave you some ice cream, some ice cream.

Bruno... HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

My father says one taste of that ice cream can answer many questions.

My father has the taste buds of a master.

He knows every ice cream in the country.

HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN

You're not having my ice cream, Mr McCool.

If you want one, there's a Mr Bunny van every night up in Possilpark.

Alan, Alan, come back. Have another cup of coffee. Come on, please.

-Can I have your autograph?

-Sure. Is that to Maria?

Just let me know when you really want to talk.

I'll be happy to fix it up for you. Ciao!

Bruno, no!

Stupido.

-RADIO:

-It was announced in Moscow today that Mami, the giant panda, died in the night.

Earlier this week, zoo officials were rejoicing at Mami's confirmed

pregnancy but a spokesman said today the tests have revealed a serious

stomach illness bearing similar symptoms to pregnancy.

Messages of condolence have been arriving at the Moscow zoo

from all over the world. The spokesman also said

that there would be early plans to have Mami stuffed

and put on permanent display at the zoo as a lasting

tribute to the generosity of the People's Republic of China

in gifting the animal to the Russian people.

LOWERED VOICES

FOOTSTEPS

BIRDSONG

And I'm saying this for any Mr Bunny who may be listening,

the message is urgent. Mr McCool is on the trail, be prepared.

Mr McCool is onto you so, please, same time, same place, Mr Bunny,

and I'll give you all the details, but in the meantime double

the guards, send the women and children to the hills.

So, this is Dicky, your early bird, saying cheery-bye,

and don't forget - big prize day tomorrow on the doubles match,

and the big prize this week is one whole day's use

of big station boss Hilary Sandiman's American Express card,

but knowing our Hilary,

he will make sure it is Boxing Day, when all the shops are shut.

But never mind. Finally, once again, Mr Bunny,

if any Mr Bunny is listening out there, then please get

the word back to big Mr Bunny.

Gloria, I want to see Alan Bird.

I told you, I am onto something.

It will break soon, I'll make a programme.

-Alan, you have not been yourself lately.

-That's just the point.

I wasn't myself before when you thought I was myself

but now I am myself. Or very nearly.

-I don't follow you.

-I told you, I'm changing. I had to.

My life was the wrong flavour, my whole life was the wrong ice cream.

-It needed a new flavour.

-Ice cream?

-I was raspberry when I should have been vanilla. Do you get it?

-Oh!

Alan, does...

Does this Mr Bunny talk to you a lot?

I talk to them all, I see them all. I'm helping them, they need me.

-Them all?

-Yes, I needed to care for something, to get involved.

You can ask my friend Colin - he's a surgeon.

I've got a friend too, Alan, who is a kind of a doctor.

-Would you like to have a talk with him?

-What about?

I think you should see someone soon, Alan,

someone who could help you find yourself.

Oh, do you mean a head psychiatrist? You think I'm nuts. I'm not nuts.

Alan, before you go back on the air again, I have to insist.

-Mr Swan.

-Bird.

-Make yourself at home, I'll be with you in a jiffy.

I wouldn't lie there. That's another £20 an hour.

It's mostly used for group therapy nowadays anyway.

So, I hear you have a friend called Mr Bunny.

Not a friend, somebody I'm helping.

I'm helping all of them, all the Mr Bunnys.

-How long have you been associating with these Mr Bunnys?

-All week.

Since Maddy left.

-Maddy?

-My girl. She left me. We've been together for four years.

-It was a bit of a shock.

-How did that happen?

A removal truck came one night and she left.

It was very sudden, yes. Quite a shock.

How was your relationship with Maddy?

It was fine, I thought it was fine. I thought we were a very good team.

-Do you have a healthy sexual relationship?

-Very healthy.

I thought.

Any abnormal sexual practices?

-No.

-Nothing at all?

-No.

-Any sexual violence?

-Certainly not.

Very well. We'll take your word for it.

-So, tell me, how do you feel about losing Maddy?

-Heartbroken.

It was a big shock.

-And I've had these dreams, these awful, depressing dreams.

-Dreams.

Now I see it's all for the best.

I've explained this to Hilary. I think

we've all got to change at certain times.

But if your life is like an apple cake

when it should be like a Kunzel cake, you're in trouble.

I think you've got to find the right flavour.

Maddy and I were like a chocolate mousse, we were a terrific

chocolate mousse, but you can't live on chocolate mousse. No, you need other things.

I do miss her, though.

She was wonderful.

We were some chocolate mousse.

-I wonder if you've ever done any sailing, Mr Bird.

-No.

I have a little illustration that might be of some comfort.

It goes back to my days in the Navy. They used to move us medicos

round a great deal, ship to ship,

-and they had this contraption called a breeches buoy.

-Mm-hm.

And sometimes you could find yourself out there in the ocean.

Hanging on a piece of rope, there's nothing else around you but the angry waters,

and you're stuck between here and there. Oh, yes, you're right.

How did you know that? That's my story.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-That's my story. It really happened to me.

-Where did you hear it?

-I don't remember. Maybe I read it in a book.

-No, I haven't written a book yet.

-I'm sorry.

-This is very upsetting.

It really happened, you know. It really happened.

And I've got to warn the Bunnys tonight.

I think the McCools could be onto them.

Listen...what about Maddy?

It's only been four days now.

I think you should take a little bit longer than that to get over her,

after all she meant to you. I don't think you're being fair.

Don't worry, I'm still miserable. I'll be miserable for ages, I know.

But I can see the way forward now, the ship on the horizon.

-Hello, Miss Wilson.

-Hello, Doctor.

-How are you?

-Fine, Doctor, just a bit stiff.

-I'll tell Sister you can have a real bath today, then.

-Thank you.

I brought someone to meet you. It's Dicky Bird from the radio.

Mmm!

Very pleased to meet you, Dicky.

This is a real treat. I listen to you every morning here.

I'm always awake first,

and they don't bring breakfast till half past seven.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

I wish you did Saturday and Sunday, too.

They've got that other noisy clown on then.

Oh, aye, Rufus?

I don't like him.

I don't like him much, either!

We'll have to go just now.

Bye, Doctor. Cheerio, Dicky.

You make an old lady smile every morning.

Cheery-bye.

How long has she been in for?

-A couple of months.

-Oh, Jesus.

No, she's OK.

She's got you.

PAGER BLEEPS

Well, anyway, you've obviously got a great deal to do, and, er,

you shouldn't really be here unless you're sick.

-You're not sick, are you?

-No, no.

Well, not really!

Aye, well, I'll be seeing you.

-Keep on taking the alcohol.

-Check!

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Trevor! I'm glad you're here. Did you get my message?

-What was that?

-McCool got a hold of your ice cream.

He reckons that he can track you down.

Oh, I don't think he'll get too far.

See, it's his own recipe.

McCool's my father.

I don't get it...

What are you playing at? You're all crackers!

Nothing like a family feud, Dicky, is there?

Crazy people! You're all crazy people!

DOORS OPEN

BANGING

You brought them here! You bastard!

You're a dead man, Dicky Bird! You are a dead man!

YELLING

Cheerio, folks!

HE SPLUTTERS

SPRAY HISSES

SHOUTING

You bastard!

BANGING AND YELLING

Nobody fucks the Bunny!

I'm going to have you!

I'll have you, you bastard, Bird!

THEY YELL

They used me. They all used me.

They could've picked up the telephone if they wanted to talk to each other.

And the girl, all along it turns out that she's McCool's daughter.

-Do you want some egg, Alan?

-Egg? Oh, no, thanks, Colin.

All the best fights happen inside families.

Yeah, that's what Trevor said shortly before he demolished my car.

I just don't see any hope for the world.

People want to damage each other over ice cream, we're doomed.

I don't know, I think ice cream's quite important.

-Isn't it, girls?

-Yes!

Did you pay the milk this morning?

No, you paid him two weeks last week.

I wasn't here last week, love.

-Oh, Colin, you said you were going to.

-I told you.

Look, I haven't got any cash to pay him this morning.

You remembering that Lily's got to be at her party at two o'clock?

-Can you take her?

-If I'm back, love, OK?

-She's got two brothers, this girl?

-Yes.

Well, that explains her rebellion, anyway.

That's what got McCool really angry.

His daughter mixed up with a fish and chip family. He's mortified.

Ice cream and chips!

Eh? No, no.

No, it couldn't work.

You said you would get me a request today, Dicky.

Oh, so I did, Lily, I'm sorry.

Don't worry, I'll fix it.

I'll go into the station after I've had my breakfast

and Rufus, he'll let me on for a minute or two.

You watch out for the ice-cream men, OK?

Aye. I've got to do something about them.

They're all so angry they can't think straight.

Let me into the studio, Rufus, just for one minute.

It's to say hello to a kiddie and an old lady that's in hospital, that's all.

Sorry, Alan, I'd have to clear it with Hilary first.

I don't know what happened between you two.

-You'll have to clear it.

-You're a shit, Rufus.

I let you onto my show on Mother's Day, remember?

Just because you hadn't phoned her for three weeks.

Just give me the names and I'll take care of it, OK?

OK, thank you.

Well, this is to Andrew from Lily, but don't mention her name,

and to a Miss Wilson in the Western Infirmary,

just lots of love from me, OK? Thanks.

-Which ward?

-Oh, I don't know which ward.

I'll play them something nice, Alan. No sweat.

No heavy metal, please.

Well, after all that exercise,

let's all sit down and think about a nice fattening pudding.

And here's Katie Pollock with today's recipe.

It sounds delicious. Banana fritters.

'Hello, everyone. The Chinese are the acknowledged masters

'in the art of fritter-making.

'Everything from the humble apple and pineapple fritters

'to the rare and exotic, and difficult, ice-cream fritter.

'But today we'll concentrate on the easy-to-make banana fritter,

'a very delicious hot sweet that'll make a change from leftover Christmas pudding.'

She said ice-cream fritters.

-Sorry, Alan?

-Katie Pollock, she said ice-cream fritters.

Yeah, that's right. Like baked Alaska.

-How do you make them?

-Ask Katie Pollock.

Yeah, but what... Is she a real person?

I don't know if she's a real person but she's Hilary Sandiman's wife.

'..baking the banana before frittering,

'but I don't hold with that. I think it's worth the extra effort...'

Yeah, Hilary, much better. Yeah, fine.

Everything's going to work out fine.

Oh, yeah, the angry scenes are subsiding.

No, I really phoned about something else, Hilary.

I wanted to speak to Heather.

I never realised that she was Katie Pollock.

I wanted to ask her for a recipe.

Just a recipe.

Eh? No, no, I'm fine, honestly.

I'm cool, everything's cool. Yeah, good shape, good shape.

But I do need a recipe from Katie...I mean, Heather,

and it's quite urgent.

I swear to you, Hilary, I'm on top of the world, yes, but...

It's a specific recipe.

Trevor wants to see you.

Oh, no, pal. No, you've got it wrong.

No, I want to see Trevor.

Oh, and, er, just one other thing...

..from now on, if anybody hits this car,

it'll be me and nobody else. Get in.

TYRES SCREECH

So, it's gone about as far as it can go, eh?

Yeah.

What does honour demand now?

Hara-kiri?

Look, I just wanted to tell you,

I don't blame you for anything that's happened.

Oh, thank you(!)

You and I are going to see Mr McCool.

I've got something to say to both of you. Fix it.

-How?

-Phone the bastard!

Or would you rather send a war party?

What do I say?

Just tell him that I want to talk to him, that's all. He'll turn up.