Having You

This film contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.

# I was walking Walking down the track

# I heard them talking just behind my back

# And they said

# Oh, you best go back

# I was wandering Wandering all alone

# I found the place where I want to make our home

# And they said

# You best go back

# Cos the path turns rocky if you walk that way

# Climb aside and walk astray

# Cos the path turns rocky if you walk that way

# Climb aside and walk astray... #

-Sorry.

-No, you don't worry, my angel.

You've done nothing wrong. All right? Come on.

See you tomorrow, Miss Stirling.

Miss Stirling?

How would you feel about going away for a while?

-With you?

-Well, yeah, of course with me.

-Like a holiday?

Yeah, like a holiday.

I'm so sorry, Camilla.

-It's not your fault.

-I know.

Are you going to be all right?

Yeah.

Thank you.

You'd think you'd improve with time.

It's more challenging playing myself.

Sorry to disappoint, Dad.

How's Camilla? She chucked you yet?

Not yet, Dad.

Check.

Your move.

-You OK? We don't have to go in.

-No, no, of course, we should.

No, I'm happy to go home. I'm more than happy to go home.

You know that Barry is actually quite sweet?

Well, there we go! I mean...

if anyone ever described me as sweet,

I'd probably have to kill myself.

-You're sweet.

-Don't!

-That's not...

-But you are.

-That's not a nice thing to say.

-Take that back!

-No, you're cuddly.

-I'll do it. I'm going to do it.

-You're warm.

-Take it back.

-And you made waffles.

-It's cocked. It's ready to go.

-There's a cock in your mouth?

-It's...

I didn't say that.

I'm bold. The point is, I'm bold.

Courageous.

-Come here.

-No, Barry!

-Hi.

-Jack!

-All right?

-Well, come on in.

La grande maman awaits.

-Isn't she radiant?

-I look like a blancmange.

-A delicious blancmange.

-Stop looking at me like you want to eat me.

-It's creepy. Hello, sweetheart!

-Hello!

-Jack, how are you?

-I'm good, thanks. How are you?

-Oh...fat.

-Well...sexy.

Barry, darling, why don't you go and check on the lamb?

Give us girls a moment to catch up. And bring some biscuits.

-Lots of biscuits.

-Of course, my love. Jack, shall we?

-I'm so sorry. It's Barry. He just won't leave me alone.

-Really?

I think he might have a pregnancy fetish.

I kind of liked it at first, but it's exhausting.

Like having a randy puppy around,

constantly rubbing himself up against my leg!

The thing is, because you're basically doing it in a sauna,

not only is it about three times more effective than regular yoga,

but, because you're sweating so much, you're cleansing your skin.

Mm.

And I get to do it all the time because I'm working from home.

Yeah, no, Camills was saying that

you're designing a hospital or something?

Orphanage. Yeah, yeah. In El Salvador.

-Wow, that's amazing.

-Yeah.

I guess I'm just lucky to have a job that I enjoy.

Being able to help the infrastructure

of undeveloped areas is just a perk.

So, what about you? You were an animator and now in IT?

Yeah, no, I stopped doing that. I'm...

Basically, I'm in a business with a friend. Like, uh...

-Run our own company and stuff.

-Oh, wow. What do you do?

We basically buy old slot machines, vintage arcade games,

stuff like that. I fix them and then we rent or sell them, depending.

It's great. It's called Slots And Games. It's...

Right!

It's good.

-Would you like a biscuit?

-Yeah, great. Thanks.

Poor thing.

The doctor said that although I still ovulate,

there's no chance that...

I have an inhospitable womb.

Although, I do hate that phrase.

"Inhospitable."

My womb, it does want to have a baby!

It's just, it's...

It's not inhospitable, it's just...

shit.

I don't know.

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

I must be the last person you want to see.

Don't be silly.

I can live vicariously through you.

FRENZIED WHIRRING

Sorry.

-So, you guys have been together for nine years?

-Yeah.

-Almost.

-Wow. No proposal?

No, there's no point in rushing.

I don't think anyone is going to accuse you of rushing!

Well, be careful. Think of Beyonce.

If you liked it...

-Then you should have put a ring on it.

-Mm.

-Yeah.

-She's a great girl, Camilla.

-Yeah, she's...

You knew I dated her for a little, right?

-No, I didn't know that.

-Oh.

Silly me. Well, don't worry, nothing serious.

She's much better off with you.

Yeah, she introduced me to Lucy.

-Yeah, you must be very excited.

-Yeah, yeah, I'm thrilled.

The only drawback is she's not quite so interested in the old, um...

HE WHISTLES SUGGESTIVELY

But, when we do, she finds it most comfortable from behind.

Doggy-style.

So that's a bonus.

Yeah.

-I still can't believe you pee sitting down.

-It's more comfortable.

It's such a waste.

You never told me you used to go out with Barry.

I didn't go out with - oh, only a couple of times.

He wasn't really my type.

How many is a couple?

Hmm...two or three.

Did you shag him?

Can I still make you jealous?

-Did you shag him?

-Yeah.

I rode him like Seabiscuit.

Barry is a man of hidden animalistic passion.

I mean, it's really, really hidden.

But when you find it, wowzer.

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, don't sulk!

I'm fine.

-I had a hard day, too, you know.

-Sorry.

-How are you feeling?

-I'm OK.

Now, come on. Let's get those pants off.

-It may be a long shot, but I am ovulating.

-Oh!

And to think you used to seduce me.

SHE LAUGHS

You all right?

-Yeah, sorry.

-It's OK.

It's all right.

RADIO: 'There are three water signs.

'Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces.

'Water signs are profoundly sensitive...'

OK.

All right, well, I've just come onto the M40, now. Yep.

Yeah, I'd say about an hour. Have you left the keys under the mat?

Great.

Thank you. Bye.

-You shouldn't use the phone in the car.

-Naughty Mummy.

Bad, naughty, naughty, bad Mummy.

Darling, we're here.

Look. What do you think?

How long are we staying here?

Well, I don't know, but shall we have a look?

If you don't like it, we don't have to stay. Yeah?

-Ooh, someone is getting very heavy.

-I'm not.

-You are - it's all those sandwiches!

-Mm.

BELL CHIMES

That is... MUMBLES TO HIMSELF

Found one?

Laura, 21, from Nottingham says,

"I can't help feeling the world would be happier

"if only everyone had a pet rabbit.

"Every time I hold Albert and stroke his fluffy ears, it makes me

"want to make the world a better place."

I want to make your world a better place, Laura from Nottingham.

I thought you were meant to be looking for more stock.

Well, it's not like we're straining to meet demand.

-We should have some more of these motivational talks.

-Have faith.

We'll come good.

Right, well, in the meantime, I'm off.

-Got some big plans for tonight.

-What plans?

If it's a threesome with Camilla, I'm flattered,

but I'd rather you just watched.

It's our anniversary.

Ah!

I had an anniversary once.

You look beautiful. Gorgeous.

-You look very dashing.

-Oh, yeah?

I can do a bit of dashing.

-Did you rent it?

-Yeah.

-Yep.

-And I got dressed in the dark!

You all right?

Yeah, no, I... Yeah.

-Do you remember when we first came down here?

-Mm-hmm.

To be closer to my dad. Sorry about that.

But you never complained, Mills. I noticed that.

Not once. You are amazing.

You kind of turned my life around.

I mean it.

I was a mess before I met you.

But you...

..got me through it all, and you kept me in the meetings,

gave me something good.

And I know I don't deserve you.

-You do.

-I don't.

But, um...

Um...

I had a whole speech planned

and I was going to do it after the meal, but, uh...

It's a stand-in, obviously.

I was thinking that maybe later you could go

and choose one that you like.

So, will you marry me?

SHE STARTS SOBBING

Oh, God.

-I'm sorry.

-Mills?

I'm really sorry.

-You OK?

-Oh!

Yes.

Of course, I will. Yes!

APPLAUSE

-I love you.

-I love you, too.

That's a very Taurean trait.

They're known for their abundance of energy, especially sexually.

Well, he is 15 years younger.

Helen!

I'm a psychic, I'm not a sex therapist.

I don't know, let me see if I can feel anything.

I'm just...I'm just sensing it's...

You shouldn't rush in too quickly.

Yeah, there's...

I've got doubt around his reliability.

Yeah. But fun.

Yeah. And think of oranges and purples.

They're all positive colours.

OK. I'll call you in a few days.

Bye.

What are you doing? It's early.

It's really not that early.

SHE GIGGLES

-You off to save the world?

-Hmm...yes.

-I love you.

-Love you, too.

-Have a good day.

-See you later.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi.

Um...Jack Turner?

-Yeah.

-I'm Anna.

We've met before.

I'm sorry, I...

It was about eight years ago.

In Manchester, at a gig. It was...

Primal Scream.

-No, I don't... Sorry, I'm late for work, so.

-Well, um...

You gave me your, um...

your card.

What do you want?

Well, can I come in for a minute?

I'm not going to rob you, I promise.

Just for a minute. Come in.

Thank you.

-It's a nice place.

-Thanks.

You've, um...

obviously done well for yourself.

Yeah, I do OK. Sorry, how can I help?

Are you, um, married?

Engaged. Recently.

-Congratulations.

-Thanks.

No kids, then?

No...why are you here?

-But she'd like to, wouldn't she?

-Excuse me?

But you don't, do you?

I take it you didn't come here to

make small talk about my personal life?

No.

This is my son, Phoenix.

He's seven years, six months and 12 days old.

He was conceived just over eight years ago.

Surprise!

Didn't we wear a condom?

So, you do remember?

Well, how do you know he's mine? I mean...

I don't exactly remember you being that hard to get into bed.

I know this isn't how you imagined your morning going.

So you don't know he's mine? He could be anyone's.

I have, um, a home paternity test.

I mean, we can see a doctor if you'd like,

but, um, it's 99.9% accurate.

Takes three to five days. Postage is paid.

I've got two samples.

One for me and one for Phoenix. They're fresh.

Here's my, um, address and phone number,

so if you could let me know the results.

I've come a long way to tell you this face-to-face.

What you want from me?

I want to know if you're the father of my son.

So, if you could let me know.

I'm not going anywhere.

I'll see myself out.

-Half an hour late, sunshine.

-Sorry!

-I'll dock your pay.

What did you get up to last night?

I had a less than mediocre wank.

Then I cried.

I proposed to Camilla.

Fuck off!

Seriously?

-I take it she said "no."

-She said "yeah."

You lucky bastard!

-Congratulations.

-Thanks.

HE IMITATES BULLET PASSING IN SLOW MOTION

Hey!

-Hey!

-You all right?

Yeah. Something smells good.

It's spaghetti. It's nothing special.

How was work? Long day?

Promise me you'll never ride a motorbike.

-We had another one in, today.

-Aw.

-It was all right, but it was touch and go.

-Oh, sorry, darling.

I still walked around the whole day with a smile like this.

How was your day?

All right.

Did you ask him to be your best man?

Who, Paul?

-I thought you might.

-No. Somehow, no.

-SHE GIGGLES

-He's my sponsor and he's my boss. Imagine the speech that he'd give.

IMITATING PAUL: "The thing about Jack is...

"he's just such a fucking prick!"

Exactly.

Mm...I was thinking...

-Oh, yeah?

-We could have the wedding this winter.

Winter? That's quite soon.

But it would only be small. Just 80 or 90.

How big is large? 200?

Well, Jessica and Timothy had 200 at their wedding.

Unlike Tim, I don't know the whole of Wales.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry.

Winter sounds good.

Though, if you do want 80 guests,

I do hope you know more people than I do.

Phoe, stop playing with them, eat them.

How did the dinosaurs die?

-How did they die?

-Mm.

Well, some people think a big meteor hit the Earth and that killed them.

What's a meteor?

Um...it's like a big rock and it floats around in space.

-Did it hurt them?

-No.

-But it killed them?

Well, um...

..when it hit the Earth, it probably caused a big explosion,

but it happened very quickly, so I don't think it hurt them.

Do you think a meteor might hit Earth now?

-No, because that was millions of years ago.

-But it might.

No, it won't, because nowadays we've got scientists, and they'd know if

-there was a meteor coming.

-But they can't stop it.

-How would they stop it?

-Well, they'd probably...

send astronauts into space,

and then they'd blow it up before it arrives.

-I'd like to be an astronaut.

-Mm-hmm.

Or a vet. I like animals.

And I'd like you to eat your veg, please.

Why aren't you eating?

Because I'm not hungry.

But still.

Say "please."

Hmm...OK, I'll eat them.

Good boy.

Someone needs to call the police,

-because you're murdering the game of chess.

-I have something to tell you.

I'm on tenterhooks.

I asked Camilla to marry me.

She said "yes."

Really?

You happy for me?

How are you going to support her?

I have a job.

You fix fruities that no-one wants. It's not a job, it's a hobby.

I enjoy farting in public,

but I don't go around trying to claim it's a profession.

You need to grow up, son.

If you're prepared to marry a woman, you need to make damn sure

-you earn a good enough wage to look after her.

-Did that win Mum?

-What was that?

-Nothing.

Your mum ran out on us.

I worked every day of my life to put food on the table. She left.

She left both of us.

-You don't mention her to me. All right?

-Sorry.

You go and pour me a drink.

Fuck me, shire horse coming through!

HE GROANS

I've been drinking lots of water.

Trying to flush the system and all that detox bullshit, but...

It just goes right through me.

I think I must have a bladder the size of an incontinent mouse.

Whew!

That's better.

Here, you should be at your desk.

Not lurking in the toilets like the ghost of George Michael.

George Michael isn't dead.

-Really? You sure?

-Yeah.

Right. See you back there.

HE SINGS Careless Whisper

You're an Aries, right?

No.

Do you not want to meet him?

We don't have to tell him who you are.

We can take that slowly.

Or if you're not up for this, then you can walk away,

and I promise we'll never bother you again.

Um...

This is Mummy's friend Jack.

Hello, Phoenix.

What do we do when we meet someone?

Phoe?

-HE MUMBLES:

-Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too, Phoenix.

Mummy's going to go and make some tea,

so will you look after Jack for a minute for me, please?

Because I'm sure Jack would really like to watch some television

with you, wouldn't you, Jack?

Yeah. I'd like that.

That - yeah. Very much.

What are you watching?

The TV.

Right.

Do you like puffins?

Course you do.

Why else would we be watching this?

Thank you. That was really great.

-I'm sorry, I'm not exactly Jerry Maguire.

-That's not a bad thing!

-Phoenix, eh? That's an interesting name.

-It means rebirth.

Does it? Oh, right.

-You'd have preferred Jack Junior?

-Yeah!

Look, I don't mean to be rude, but what exactly do you want from me?

We don't want anything.

We came here because I think he's at an age when he should know who his dad is.

Why didn't you tell me before? I mean, you've had seven years.

Honestly?

At the time, I didn't think you'd be a good influence.

Sorry.

You should have told me.

Have you told your wife?

She's my fiancee.

That's my business.

Do you think I'm silly? To care about all this stuff?

Maybe we should just go to a beach and get married in flip-flops.

I mean, honestly, creme or cream?

They're exactly the same!

What do you think?

Well...I've always dreamt of creme tablecloths for my wedding.

And the way I do it, I like to get right up close.

And in the right-hand corner, that's where the heater comes in.

So, that's where you're going to benefit from most of it.

-The skin does look amazing.

-Does it? Thanks!

-Yeah.

-Have you seen?

-Yeah, it's good. It's great.

-Oh, it's delish.

Wow! It's that butcher.

-The new butcher.

-Mm.

Oh, my God, like, everything, everything is organic.

-All of it.

-Wow!

Then, if they don't have it, you give Gordon a call

and he'll deliver it the next day.

-Oh, we haven't been. We should go.

-Yeah.

Cam, have you got a date yet?

Oh, well, we were thinking about maybe December.

Oh...!

A winter wedding!

Stunning!

But it'll just be really small, just, like, 80 people.

Oh, very intimate.

Hey, if you're looking for a soloist,

I know this fantastic tenor, who's just opened the Glyndebourne season.

Oh, that would be amazing. Wouldn't that be amazing?

-Yeah, that would be great. Thank you.

-Oh, no problem.

Hey, look, anything, anything you guys want...

Just give me a call.

Right? Any time.

Oh, not for me, thank you.

Oh, sorry, I forgot.

-Had you picked a best man yet, Jack?

-Not yet.

Well..

Barry is something of an expert. What is it, four times?

Well, three and a half, technically.

I shared it that time with Charlie's brother in France. Remember?

-That was hilarious. Do you remember that?

-I don't think I was invited.

Oh, that was hysterical.

Barry dressed up as a gendarme and he...

A what?

A French policeman.

He ran around the wedding,

pretending to arrest people for crimes against the bride and groom.

Do you remember when you tried to arrest the bride's mother

for sleeping with the groom?

-And she was, like, not laughing at all.

-Nothing. Nothing.

It was really nothing.

I had the moustache. And I had the baton. Do you remember it?

And I went, "Whoa!"

It's not too bad, is it?

Well, erm...it's out of the way, right?

Do you want to go and play with the other kids?

Or we can play in the climbing frame, if you want, you and me.

-It's not safe.

-Says who?

Mum.

Right.

From what I'm feeling, I get the sense that...

I bet there are some things you want to do that your mum doesn't like?

I used to get into trouble all the time as a kid.

There was a time when I stole a bottle of my dad's whisky and drank half of it.

I had to go to the hospital and get my stomach pumped. I nearly died.

But...

I was fine.

Don't ever do that, by the way.

Sometimes, I play computer games.

Do you?

I play computer games.

Does your mum not like that?

That can be our little secret.

-It's delicious.

-Thanks.

Mm.

I've got some good news.

Go on.

Dad called today and...

he said that, as the wedding gift,

he and Mum would like to pay for this new treatment.

It's, erm...

It's like IVF, but it has these amazing results with...

..conceptionally challenged women.

Erm, anyway, it's hideously expensive,

but they offered to cover the cost

and that we could start right after the wedding.

Wow.

It's far too generous.

-You're not pleased?

-I am pleased.

-What is it?

-Nothing.

Sweetheart...?

No, it'd just be...

It'd just be nice to know that something around here

was actually mine, that's all, and wasn't a hand-out.

-What do you mean?

-Well, this house, my car and...

..these pictures, these clothes...

Well, not these clothes, but...

It's all paid for by you.

And if we're going to have a child, it'd be nice to know it's actually mine.

-But, it would be yours.

-Paid for by your dad.

But we can't afford it.

Well, if you give me a little bit of time, then...

-But it's very easy for men to ask for time.

-At least I do...

..ask.

You know?

What?

It's just ever since...

..you know, the last time.

I think you've always just assumed that I wanted a child.

Well... Well, don't you?

You're sure?

Well...I am sure.

So, if you're not, then, erm...

..I really think we might... we might have a problem.

Of course I do. I do.

I do want one.

But, at some point.

-It's just...

-You're scared.

But there's no need to be.

You'll be a wonderful father. You don't give yourself enough credit.

You give me too much, Mills.

Well, that's what you do when you love someone.

Why are you with me?

-You're being silly.

-Seriously.

Well, maybe it's because...

..you're kind.

And...

And you're funny.

And you're loving.

Or... Or maybe it's because you're a sex robot

that's been sent from the future

to give me more physical pleasure than any woman has ever experienced.

-It's because I'm funny, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Oh, it's you.

Well, who are you expecting, Dad? Princess Di?

How about we don't play chess just this one time?

-Well, why would we do that?

-Because it's a nice day, Dad.

We could go to the park.

Let's have a sit down.

MOBILE BEEPS

-Who was that?

-No-one.

Do you think I would make a good father, Dad?

You're an alcoholic.

-I've been sober for seven years, Dad.

-People don't change.

-I think they can.

-Then you're wrong.

Am I a disappointment to you, Dad?

Let's carry on walking.

Everything OK?

Yeah, just worrying about money a bit.

I can't even afford to get Camilla a proper engagement ring.

I bet Camilla's got a lovely ring.

Why are we wasting our time doing all this?

-Does that answer your question?

-No.

Does this look like the gun of a man who wastes his time?

One flash of this down at the bar

and there will be a cacophony of chuff.

Girls will, quite literally, lose their shit.

I'm being serious, Paul.

Right. How did I afford to start this company?

-You got five numbers on the lottery.

-Five numbers and the bonus ball.

-What does that tell you?

-That you gamble.

That I'm good-looking. And lucky.

It was one of the smallest prizes ever won

by five numbers and the bonus ball.

Yeah, even so, it'll all work out.

In fact, I got an e-mail about some arcades down at Southsea.

-Are you about to go and check them out on Friday?

-Yeah.

See?

Business is booming, Jack, my small-cocked friend.

Now, get back to work.

-I bet they've had some good usage.

-Just a bit.

-They're beautiful.

-It's as old as I am, that one.

Of course, I'm in my absolute prime.

Well, of course.

You're going to look after them, I hope?

Yeah, I promise.

They're great.

We'll have someone come and pick them up next week.

So, where did you learn to fix those horrid machines?

It's a bit of a random skill.

I've always loved games. They're amazing.

I used to work in an arcade for a bit.

Picked up all kinds of stuff along the way,

-when I wasn't smoking and getting pissed around the back.

-Erm...

Sorry.

Sorry, little man.

What other skills do you have?

Hoovering.

I'm pretty good at hoovering.

Yeah, wow, that's really time well spent, that.

-That's great.

-Thanks.

I could always rig up sound systems as well. I was pretty good at that.

-I used to do that.

-Shut up.

-I did!

I used to hang around with bands.

You know, guys who thought they were going to be the next Oasis.

-Groupie. You mean, you were a groupie?

-No!

What's a groupie?

It's, erm... someone who likes music.

I like music. I'm a groupie.

No, because groupies like the musicians

more than they like the actual music

and they travel around with them and help them a lot.

Did you help quite a bit?

What?

I want to be a groupie.

Mummy is not a groupie!

Now, you want to be a vet, don't you, sweetheart?

Or a groupie.

I think vet. I think you'd be good as a vet, Phoenix.

I need the loo. Will you watch him for a minute?

Do you need to go? Right.

So, Phoenix...

-Yep.

-There's a Phoenix in Harry Potter, isn't there?

I never heard that before.

Right.

Are you Mum's boyfriend?

No. Just friends.

-Do you love her?

-No.

Why not?

Because I don't.

I like her a lot, but I'm not in love with her. It's different.

It's like you like chocolate, but you're not in love with chocolate.

-I do love chocolate.

-Of course you do. It was a bad example.

Are you going to be my dad?

Would you like me to be?

Er...come on, boys! Are we going to hit those rides or what?

Come on! Yeah!

Race you! Race you!

# If you happen to read this

# Rose was born

# Child actor-ess

# On the fifth day of the snow

# Be good or be gone

# Be good or be

# Be gone

# The range is staggering

# Movement and timing

# Frame by frame

# It did unfold

# Be good or be gone

# Be good or be

# Be gone

# I read to you on Saturdays

# Museum has closed down

# Sell all your things

# At the end of the drive

# Be good or be gone

# Be good or be

# Be gone. #

-Oh, careful.

-Not going to make it.

It's not going to make it.

-Oh...!

-Your turn.

PHONE RINGS

Sorry...

Let's try this one.

Sally?

Hello.

Erm...

You take my turn.

I'm sorry about that. Erm...

No, well, that's not usually the case, is it?

Just calm down a minute.

I can't really understand what you're saying.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Ready?

Well, I don't think that's really very fair.

Oh...

Well, I'm really sorry about that.

Oh, which one shall I use?

-I think this one.

-Hang on a minute. Erm...

-Oh...!

-Oh...!

I'm really sorry.

-Do want another game?

-Yeah.

Tell you what, I'm going to the kitchen to get some water.

-Do you want some?

-No, thank you.

ANNA SIGHS HEAVILY

Are you OK?

Yeah.

Do you want me to make you a cup of tea?

No. No, thanks.

Phoenix lost at Buckaroo.

Oh, did he?

Everything all right with work?

What do you think?

Can you really see things?

-I found you, didn't I?

-Yeah.

-Although, you did have my business card.

-Yeah.

I was thinking of maybe...

..maybe we could tell him soon who I am?

-Really?

-Yeah, definitely. I mean...

Can't keep him wrapped in a bubble all the time.

Yeah, and don't the kids go back to school today?

I can teach him.

I think he'd be better off at school.

You've known him, what, four weeks?

Who do you think you are to come and tell me how to raise my kid?

Erm... I'm his dad.

Really?

Have you told Camilla yet?

-No. But, I will.

-Will you?

Because, at the moment, I don't think you actually give a shit.

I mean, have you told anyone yet?

You hide us away like some dirty little secret

and then you come here pretending that it's your pride and joy.

Look, who do you think you are?

I'm sorry, Anna.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I'll tell her.

I will. I'll tell her.

You were with her when you met me, weren't you?

Are you coming? It's ready.

Mills?

Sweetheart?

Mills?

Oh, there you are.

You OK?

You'll never guess who I saw today.

I've no idea. Who? Lucy or...?

Close.

Barry?

Erm...Matthew.

Dr Matthew?

You all right?

What's that?

It's, erm...

It's only six weeks.

You can barely see it.

How? I don't understand.

The old-fashioned way.

But he did say we have to be very careful.

Not too much excitement or stress, because of what happened last time.

He even joked that we should cancel the wedding.

But, yeah, erm...

We're going to have a baby.

Come here...

# And you dream whatever you want to dream

# Go to sleep, my little buddy

# One day, you'll be whatever you want to be

# Whatever you want to be. #

BABY WAILS

That's for your singing, Baz.

As far as I remember, I was head chorister.

-As far as I remember, you used to blow Mr Downer.

-Tim...!

-What?

-You're so crude!

Oh, he looks just like you.

Sadly, I think he might have Barry's nose.

Oh, he so well-behaved, so responsive.

Psychologists believe there's a 2% intelligence swing,

depending on how much stimulus they receive in the first five months.

2% doesn't seem that much.

I play classical music and read Shakespeare to him.

Apparently, water's a very good stimulus for him as well,

because it reminds him of being in the womb.

Though, I found Sebastian quite loves the aquarium.

-Have you been there often?

-A few times.

Fascinating place. Never know what you're going to see.

Well, fish, probably.

God, I can't believe that's going to be us.

Hopefully.

-I was thinking something...

-Mm-hm?

-We... You know you said you didn't want to have a best man?

-Mm.

Well, I thought, just to keep my parents happy

and, you know, for the tradition,

-that if you didn't trust Paul...

-Mm-hm?

..maybe you could have Barry.

Barry?

Yeah. I know. He can be a bit pleased with himself.

A bit?

He's one of my oldest friends.

And he's very dependable.

He'd do an amazing job. He's done it four times.

Maybe.

-But I'm not having Barry as my best man.

-Why not?

Because he's a twat,

who has wallpaper like this.

It's called Appalachian Trail.

Hey, Baz...

Do you want some milk in yours, or...?

Mills, Lucy wants to show you the birthing photos.

-They're really beautiful.

-Oh, OK.

I'll do this.

I was kidding, by the way. It's lovely.

It's OK.

It's OK. We're different people, you and I.

But I do think we should, erm...

try and get along.

Mm.

If nothing else, then, our partners are very good friends, you know?

Yeah.

I like to hope I'm not a difficult man to spend time with.

No, you're not.

Besides, we might have more in common than you think.

Maybe.

Forgive my little ribbing before.

I couldn't help myself.

The aquarium.

About five-foot four.

Long, dark hair.

Looks like Aphrodite.

A little kid.

-That was my cousin.

-It's OK. I get it.

We're men, you know?

We are not evolved to be with just one woman.

It's a fact.

70% of undeveloped indigenous tribes

revolve around the male leading a monogamous lifestyle.

-Polygamous.

-That's what I said.

It's how we are.

Look...

I've had indiscretions.

I still do.

Obviously, family comes first, but...

There's no denying human nature.

We are animals, after all.

-It's really not like that.

-Sure.

And the little boy's not yours, is he?

Well...

Right, well, erm...

That's a different kettle of fish, as they say.

Oh, look at you. White as a sheet.

Like I said, we're not so different, after all.

PINBALL MACHINE PINGS

Jack!

I've been thinking I might enrol you in an Mandarin course.

I mean, obviously, with the way the world's going

it looks like the Chinese empire's growing stronger and stronger.

So, I think it's an idea to try and infiltrate the Chinese market.

I saw this documentary a couple of weeks ago about an autistic kid

that learned Mandarin in two months.

I'm not expecting you to learn it in two months,

but I was thinking three months.

-Paul...

-Aye?

I need to talk to you about something.

Fuck me...

Mm.

That's...

That's quite the predicament.

-What are you going to do?

-I don't know.

-What would you do?

-I think you should have a pint.

Oh, come on. You're meant to be my sponsor.

Fair enough. Maybe I'll have one.

I'm being serious, Paul.

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

I can tell you what the steps are and how to apply them.

I can assure you that, despite all appearances,

our business is destined for success, but...

..in this, mate, I'm out of my depth.

-Maybe you could flee the country.

-Camilla's pregnant.

It wasn't me.

My God...

Is she attractive?

Who?

The mother of your elder child.

Anna? Yeah, she's fine.

I suppose.

I'm engaged.

Yeah.

But I'm not.

Well, I don't know if that's fair.

I'd say, usually, I'm pretty bang-on. No?

Oh, no. I'm sorry. I don't do refunds.

Right, well, I'm very sorry you feel that way.

Bye.

And ta-da!

Bang!

My special work.

It's gorgeous, darling.

Oh...

Missed a spot.

MOBILE PHONE BUZZES AND PINGS

Food for two.

What did I do to deserve such a caring man in my life?

Hello...

DOCUMENTARY ON TELEVISION

MOBILE PHONE PINGS

-Who was that?

-Just Paul.

Just work stuff.

Hello?

Hi. Erm...

You must be, erm...Camilla, yeah?

-Yes.

-Sorry. I'm Anna. I know Jack.

-Yes?

-Erm...I work with him.

Something's come up at work.

I thought I might drop by, see if he was in.

Well, he's out of the moment. Can I take a message?

No, it's all right. Erm...

Do you know where he is?

Oh, well, he's just... He's seeing his dad.

But he should be back soon.

Right.

Do you want to come in and wait? I can make you a cup of tea.

Well, is that all right?

Yeah, that'd be lovely. Thanks.

I really am sorry for barging in like this.

Oh, don't worry.

So, have you and Jack worked together for long?

No, not really.

And what is it you do?

No, it's silly. I erm...rent...

I rent old, like, arcade games for kids' parties and stuff.

That sounds fun.

Yeah, I like it.

Well, that's good.

I like kids.

Me too.

Are you expecting?

Did Jack tell you?

No. No, he didn't.

Oh, God. I'm not showing already, am I?

No, it's just the way, erm...

I've... I've got a kid.

He honestly didn't tell you?

No, he definitely didn't.

It's just that we're not telling anyone at the moment,

because it's early days and in case anything happens.

Yeah, of course. Erm...

Well, I hope you...

I hope you both stay healthy.

-How old is your one?

-He's seven.

Oh, that must keep you busy.

Yeah, but he's an angel. I'd do anything for him.

Of course.

Is he at school around here?

No, erm...

We're moving him at the moment.

Oh, where to?

That's a good question. I don't know yet.

FRONT DOOR OPENS

Oh, here he is.

Hey!

You've got a visitor.

-Hello, Jack.

-Hey.

What are you doing here?

I tried your phone several times, but you weren't answering.

No, I've just been...

having problems with it.

Well, erm...I'll leave you to it.

It was nice to meet you.

Yeah, you, too.

And erm...really good luck with the baby.

-Thanks.

-Oh, did you tell her?

No. She guessed.

-I'll just be in the kitchen.

-All right, darling.

I'm going to go.

Like I said, congratulations on the baby.

Good luck to you both.

Anna, wait! Wait.

-I wanted to tell you.

-But you didn't, did you?

No, I didn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, let's go to the playground tomorrow

and talk it all over properly.

Please?

NEWS REPORT ON TV

-Has she gone?

-Yeah.

Sorry about that.

I don't know why she's coming round here.

Is she all right?

I think so, yes.

I think she's having problems at home or something with her...

I didn't know you worked with any women.

No, I don't work with her. I...

She's a different department.

What are you doing?

Names.

Names?

I like it.

It's about time.

She was pretty.

You think everyone's pretty. You're pretty.

-You're funny.

-Prettier.

You're prettier.

It's not a great day to come to the playground, is it?

I like it.

Fair enough.

What's up?

Nothing.

Really?

-I'm not allowed to tell you.

-Oh, right.

It's top secret, is it?

We're going home.

-Oh...

-Do you think you could come with us?

-Would you like that?

-Yeah.

-You're funny.

-You're funny.

No, you're funny.

Stop it!

Why don't you go and play with those kids and I'll chat to your mum?

-They won't want to play with me.

-They will. You're funny. Remember?

Trust me.

Are you angry with me?

Camilla was pregnant when I met you.

We'd only gone out for a few months and, er...

I'd just started to clean myself up. Just gone to a few meetings.

And then she falls pregnant, by accident.

Her parents are Catholic and so she wanted to keep it.

I just got terrified.

So, I fell back into drinking and everything...

And that was when I met you.

And then, a month later, Camilla miscarries.

And, er...

..it was pretty bad.

She was...

Infections and stuff and she almost didn't make it.

The doctors said she'd never be able to have kids again.

And you were relieved.

You're not going to tell her, are you?

Well, what were you expecting? I mean...

Knock at our door, you and Phoenix come in

and we all play happy families.

No, I expected you to be scared and to run away. But you didn't.

-No, I didn't.

-You knocked on our door, remember?

I mean, granted, a few afternoons a week

just so you could keep your conscience clear.

I mean, if you're honest with yourself,

you wanted to keep us away from your perfect little life and play daddy.

My perfect life?

I'd love to see it from where you're stood, because where I am...

I've just about managed to mess up everything I've ever done.

Complete fucking failure.

Look at that...

Phoenix! Be careful!

Phoe!

Phoenix!

Phoenix!

-Oh, God!

-Mummy...

-Come on! Come on!

-Jack, can you please go a bit faster?

-Just keep your hand tight on his head. Stem that blood flow.

-I am.

-Talk to Mummy all the time, all right?

-Come on!

-Michelle?

-Will you slow down? I can't keep the pressure on.

-He's lost quite a bit of blood.

-Follow me straight away.

It's all right, baby.

We'll try and get him in. Straight in. Straight in.

-What's his name?

-Phoenix.

OK, we're going to get him down straightaway.

He'll be all right.

It's my fault.

No, it's not.

-It's not.

-It is.

Is he all right?

We've closed the head wound.

He has lost a lot of blood, but he'll be absolutely fine.

He'll need to sleep.

We'll probably keep him in overnight, but just as a precaution.

He might have some headaches over the next few weeks,

but certainly no permanent damage.

Thank you.

-Mills...

-Not now.

I have a break in an hour.

Did you know she was going to be here?

Only hospital in the area.

Thanks.

Michelle said she thought he might be your nephew.

But I said you were an only child.

He's your son, isn't he?

So, all this time...

-..you've been lying to me.

-No, not all this time.

I only found out about him a few weeks ago.

I wanted to tell you.

But what?

-I was scared that you would leave me.

-Oh, that's all right, then.

Who is she?

She doesn't sell arcade games, does she?

Stupid Camilla...

She'll believe anything.

I met her in Manchester. We had a one-night stand.

Well, when?

When?

About eight years ago.

Just before you miscarried.

When I was pregnant.

I'm sorry.

So, all that time when you were so kind and you were so supportive...

-..you were just feeling guilty.

-Oh, please don't get upset.

Don't get upset? Are you seriously telling me not to get upset?

-I have to get back to work.

-Mills...

Get your stuff out of the house. I don't want to see you again.

-Mills...

-What?

Can we not just talk about it or...?

Maybe we could have.

# You sat me down and told me

# It'll be all right

# You said we weren't the only good guys

# That we carried the light

# In our aching bodies

# That we carried the light

# Down, down, down

# Down

# Down, down, down

# And the ashes fall

# On the children's faces

# On the names and races

# Here, at the end of time

# You will find us waiting

# On the seashore, waiting. #

My first impression is...

..shit.

Thanks.

You potentially had two gorgeous women.

And now one of them hates you

because you impregnated her and lied to her.

And the other one hates you

because you impregnated her and lied to other people about her.

And, if nothing else, it has a beautiful symmetry.

It's not funny, Paul.

Yeah. I suppose not.

Is the boy OK?

I think so.

I'm going to go.

-What, right now?

-Yeah.

I thought you might want to stay and celebrate.

Celebrate what?

We just secured our first long-term client.

The ferry company loved the vintage gamer idea.

That's great. I'll see you later.

Here, you baw-sack.

A wee advance from the contract.

Now, see if you can buy yourself a smile, huh?

KNOCKING

Come in!

Dad...

-You look like crap.

-Thanks. How did you know I was here?

I need someone to help me pick up a new cooker tomorrow.

You're not answering your mobile.

And I'm not on Facebook.

So, I rang your house.

Spoke to Camilla.

How is she?

She told me what happened.

What you've done.

And?

And I thought I should come and see you.

Lend you my support. Here you are...

Well, don't look so surprised.

I am surprised.

You are my son.

A father should stand by his flesh and blood.

I've messed up, haven't I?

Maybe.

It's like I've spent the last seven years trying to be good.

All for nothing.

It's tough out there.

Yeah.

Are you disappointed?

No.

We are what we are.

But...

-I thought this might cheer you up.

-What?

It's your favourite, as I recall.

-Is this a joke?

-No.

I haven't had a drink in seven years, Dad.

And look where it's got you.

When you first came down here,

I persuaded Camilla to come down here, too,

so we could be close to you.

You haven't come over once.

-Have a drink.

-Why are you doing this?

To help.

It's in your nature.

You're your mother's son.

-Have a drink.

-No.

You can tell yourself whatever you like.

But people don't change.

No, you. You don't change, Dad.

Don't you dare think you're better than me, because you're not.

I worked every day of my life. I made something of it.

And then when that bitch left

because she couldn't handle looking after you,

I could have run, but I didn't.

I fed you.

I clothed you.

I did my duty.

Now, what have you done with your life?

Nothing!

You sat in your little fairy-tale. You know nothing about real life.

But I do.

I fucking do!

Now, have a fucking drink!

No, thanks, Dad.

Where are you going?

Sorry, Dad.

You can show yourself out.

Mills!

Camilla!

I know you're in there, darling. I can see your car on the drive.

Please, just come to the door. Just for a second. I know...

I know you don't want to talk. I know you're angry, but...

I just want to talk to you.

If you're listening, which I know that you are, I love you.

I'm not going anywhere, Mills.

I love you, too.

What are you doing here, Barry?