Not Another Happy Ending

BELL DINGS

WATCH BEEPS

THUNDER RUMBLES

Roddy! Let's go!

Morning.

DOOR BUZZES Get that, would you?

If you're not giving me a lift I'll have to get another minicab!

PHONE RINGS

Tristesse Books.

I've got Wuthering Heights with my Year 10s!

Hello? Yes?

Tristesse Books?

Tom Duval?

Oh, yeah, come in.

Just down the hall!

MAN SPEAKS FRENCH ON PHONE

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Mm, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, he's a wonderful writer.

Very unremittingly bleak. MAN SHOUTS IN FRENCH ON PHONE

No, Tristesse doesn't publish him any more.

Do you know what, he had a little disagreement with Tom.

SHOUTING IN FRENCH

Yeah, she's one of my favourites.

Yeah. She was longlisted for the Booker.

Right after she was sectioned.

HE SHOUTS IN FRENCH

No, she-she left, too. (Jane Lockhart!)

CLANGING

What are you doing?

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...

I was just touching it. Not like...

touching it, that sounds like molesting.

Like I'm some kind of pervert.

Which I'm not. So...

Young European Publisher of the Year Runner-Up! That's really impressive.

I have a swimming certificate.

Who the hell are you?

Jane Lockhart.

I wrote The Endless Anguish Of My Father.

Oh.

Yeah.

Follow me.

Hello.

I'm busy, so I'll keep this brief.

I read your novel, I'm afraid it needs work. A lot of work.

Please, sit down.

But it has potential, so I'm going to publish it.

I'm offering you a two-book deal.

It's going to mean a lot of rewriting, definitely a new title,

and neither of us will get rich, but...

I think you have it in you to be a writer,

and as unfashionable as it may seem, that's what I came here to find.

I believe you're...

..crying. Sorry.

I didn't mean to start...

It's just...

It's been so long, you know?

So many rejections, and I have a board...

You have a board? Of rejections letters.

I call it my board of pain.

Well, that's completely normal.

It is? I'm sorry.

He was like this in university. Everywhere he went, crying women.

Your lot are supposed to be charming. Charmant, n'est-ce pas?

I told you never speak French to me! Don't you dare! No, really!

I've never been so happy

in all my life.

SHE SOBS

Jane.

There is no need to be nervous. Nervous? Me? No. No, no.

I'm not nervous. Not me.

OK, a little bit nervous.

You'll be fine.

It's just usually I need a run-up before I start editing, like a tea,

a walk, regrouting the shower... Or we could just begin.

OK!

OK, so, where do you want to begin?

Well, call me crazy, but we could start at the beginning.

Yeah, OK. Yeah.

You crazy Frenchman. What?

I don't know. All right.

So you're in a good mood. I'm always in a good mood. No, you're not.

Yes, I am. Are you? Yes. Oh.

SHE GIGGLES

So, first sentence, I think it's so good. It's beautiful.

MUSIC: How We Met (Cherry Pie) by TeenCanteen

# I fell into your eyes with an inky black splash

# I fell into your eyes with an shiny black splash

# My, oh my cherry pie what a big, big splash

# I ran into your heart with a red-hot crash

# I ran into your heart with a full-on smash

# My, oh my cherry pie it'll happen so fast

# My, oh my cherry pie it was all so fast

# Like rain that falls without a warning

# On a sunny morning

# This is how we met

# Like sugar in my cup of coffee

# Apples dipped in toffee

# This is how we met... #

Well, actually, I'm reading it right now.

"I shut my eyes and sink into the water,

"letting it wash over my face and hair..." Hello!

So, I was just, you know, passing, and thought

it might have come back from the printers and it actually has. Yeah.

I don't know.

"Beneath my feet, I felt crumpled pages..."

I don't believe this.

I'll call you back. "Happy Ending?"

Happy Ending? What happened to The Endless Anguish Of My Father?

What happened?

You know how important this stuff is. You changed my title to that!

I told you. The very first time we met, I said it must go. Yeah,

but we never discussed it. I knew how you'd react, darling.

Oi, careful!

That's my Young Publisher of the Year award.

Runner-up!

What's wrong with you?

Who are you? What?

All that time we spent together working on the manuscript...

No-one's EVER got me the way you...

I don't know you.

Look, it was a terrible title and I changed it. What's done is done.

Let's move on. How can it be so easy for you?

Perhaps because I am not a moderately talented writer

whose loser dad left her with an inability to stop worshipping

her own pain. Worshipping my own pain? Calm, sit down.

Let's talk about the launch.

You know what?

Our deal is one more book, and then what's done is done.

Let's move on.

"Most childhood summers are long and blue.

"Mine wasn't like that,

"and certainly not the summer when Mum got sick. I knew if I just

"went out and saw her in the sun, she'd be all right again..."

JANE READS INDISTINCTLY FROM HER BOOK

"..but not me. I never saw her in the sun again..."

"She'd taken me to Woolworths to choose my birthday present

"and it wouldn't be like last year when Dad just slipped the Barbie

"under his coat and walked right out the door with it..."

INDISTINCT CHATTER

And this is to...?

Dad.

It's great to be here to present this award for Best New Writer

to an outstanding debut.

Happy Ending. Jane Lockhart.

Congratulations. Thank you.

What we have here is a real writer.

Someone who can go to some pretty dark places - but I get it, Jane.

Writers! We both understand what it is to face el toro blanco,

the terror of the white bull, the blank page.

And every day, we face it together.

Right, Jane? Mm-hm.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jane Lockhart.

Thank you.

SHE SHRIEKS AND GIGGLES

PHONE RINGS

Yeah? 'I'm starting the final chapter.'

You'll have the manuscript by the end of the week. About bloody time.

Ah, Tom, as ever my little ray of sunshine. Well, moan all you like.

I've never been this... Annoying?

Happy.

You bastard. Happy! So...

One more chapter? Yes.

And we never have to see each other again?

Yes. Better get writing, then.

A bientot, Jane. Au revoir, Tom.

Willie? I'm off out for a bit.

Sure!

WOMAN: Just look to the chapter...

BANGING AND CLATTERING

TOM: Listen. I don't care what you think.

I'm telling you, this is not an opening chapter, its an ice age!

You can't talk to me like that!

I was voted one of Scotland's foremost novelists

under the age of 30!

TOM CRIES MOCKINGLY

And that's why I won't allow this piece of crap to be published

with your name on it!

You have my notes. Fix it.

Bye then, Nicola, see you at the launch.

If you try to make ME cry,

I'll inform the Inland Revenue about your yacht.

Hi.

Hi.

If we have to talk figures,

can you do that thing where you use vegetables?

Imagine this tomato is my cash flow.

How many new writers have you thrown money at this year?

I only throw money at good writers. Good Scottish writers.

I'm very patriotic. And what does it matter?

One hit pays for all the rest. And I have a bestseller in the wings.

Mm, Jane Lockhart, yeah.

So how's the new book shaping up? I have no idea.

She won't let me read a word until it's finished.

Relax!

It'll be just like the first one.

I read that she was moving publisher. Klinsch and McLeish?

With the red and white covers? That's big time.

Klinsch and McLeish. You know what they're called in the trade?

Clench and Release. They're not right for my Jane.

For Jane. So talk to her! Persuade her to stay.

But I don't want her to stay!

After she delivers her new novel, I want her to go! Far away!

Oh, for God's sake, Tom,

Tristesse Books is on the verge of compulsory liquidation.

And...I've had an offer.

Well, you're a very attractive... Shut up.

They want to invest in you.

I don't need Pandemic Media. I have Jane Lockhart and this time

she's going all the way. Are you sure?

Because if she doesn't deliver...

your tomatoes look like ketchup.

She'll deliver. She might be a miserable pain in the arse,

but when she's writing, she's like a guided missile.

SHE HUMS

Teaspoon.

PHONE RINGS

Willie? Willie, will you get that?

Willie!

PHONE CONTINUES TO RING

Hello? Thursday or Friday for the manuscript?

Grease-proof paper!

Oh!

Just want to check. You're certain it will be finished next week?

I told you, one more chapter.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Are you baking?

LINE DISCONNECTS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS INSIDE FRIDGE

TOM: Oh, my God.

She's baking.

She only bakes when she's blocked.

Largest planet in the solar system?

Jupiter. Who did Ali beat to become World Heavyweight Champion

for the first time?

Sonny Liston. Come on, the quiz is going to be harder than this.

Get serious.

Right. Who was Shakespeare's wife?

Hi, Dad.

Ah, darling!

(Who was Shakespeare's wife?)

(Anne Hathaway.)

And at the end of the third round, the winners are Benny Lockhart

and his Jets with 22 points. Join us for the second half in ten minutes.

Mr L! Ah, Tom!

Good to see you. Good to see you! How are you? Aye, good.

Where you been hiding? From your daughter, mostly.

I understand that, aye.

Never talked to me for years, but...with good reason.

Hey, what you having? Nothing. He's not staying.

Come on, Jane.

What are you doing here? My favourite author is being adapted

by Scotland's most talented screenwriter, Willie Scott.

Huge fan. Naturally, I want to know how he's getting on.

Well, I may not be the most talented, but...

who else are you going to pick, uh?

THEY LAUGH

Just one sec.

Where is my novel?

I'm working on it. So you're not suffering from el toro blanco? What?

So you're not B-L-O-C-K-E-D? Why are you spelling it?

It's nothing to be ashamed of, and there are plenty of strategies

to overcome it. I'm not blocked. For instance, narcotics.

I'm not blocked. For a while there Hunter S Thompson was permanently

unblocked. I'm not blocked! Until you deliver that manuscript,

you're still under contract to me, so whatever is going on,

snap out of it, and get writing.

Bye, Jane.

"Bye, Jane."

He's not gone, has he?

Won't get a chance to talk about my screenplay.

Hi. The French really appreciate my work, you know?

Connoisseurs du cinema. Oh, aye.

We should have him over for dinner. Oh, your wine.

Bathroom.

I know you, don't I?

Where was it we met?

Chapter two. I'm in the opening chapter, of course,

but you only really get to know me from chapter two on.

Darsie?

What do you think? I think I'm talking to my protagonist.

I prefer heroine.

What are you doing here? It's a very intense narrative.

I personally have suffered a broken engagement

and two bereavements so far. Yes, I know. Sorry. No, no, no.

Please don't apologise. I think it's going to make me a stronger person

in the end. The end?

Yes, so you're going to go back and finish it?

I can't do that, not without you. Why can't you finish it, Jane?

Huh?

What are you afraid of?

HE SOBS

Get a hold of yourself, will you?

Gets me every time. Three times now.

It's that ending. Don't talk to me about damn endings! Do your marking.

OK.

Being silly.

Oh, Jane says hi.

HE SOBS

That poor lassie.

She must have led such a shocking life to write like that.

What are you saying? Well, the lonely page,

the endless introspection,

the mind plagued by funky thoughts...

That's how writers tick, innit?

No misery, no poetry.

PHONE RINGS

Yeah? Did you speak to Jane Lockhart?

Yes, she's happy, very happy.

Happier than she's ever been, apparently.

And the novel?

Tom?

Hello, are you still there?

Tom!

I have a problem I believe may be suited to your particular talents.

Let's say...

A miserable writer, through the supreme efforts of her publisher

and her only good talent, becomes successful and happy.

Are you listening? Hello, sir.

Amber, Roxanne! Out on a school night, sir?

This your boyfriend, sir?

GIRLS GIGGLE

Say nothing, just keep very still, you don't want to antagonize them.

Can we get back to my problem? Yeah, OK.

Yeah, miserable writer becomes successful and happy, I get it. And?

And, being happy, she's unable to finish her latest miserable novel.

So, in order to help her, the selfless publisher embarks

on a course of action to return her to the fragile mental state

in which she wrote her highly profitable debut!

You want to make Jane Lockhart's life a misery

so she can finish writing her book?

That's seriously messed up.

They teach you this stuff in France? We study a broad curriculum.

So, how do we make someone completely, totally miserable?

Why are you asking me?

I dedicated the last ten years to encouraging young minds,

planting hope and aspiration.

Benson, put it away, stand in the corner and face the wall!

(Little shite.)

OK, maybe I've some experience in the field.

The trick is not simply to upset her,

you have to get her in the right mood.

It's a special kind of misery you want, a melancholy.

A dull sense of dissociation

and alienation that's the source of every artist's creativity.

It's like drain unblocker for novelists.

Keats? Mm. John Keats? Mm-hm.

Your plan involves actual poetry?

I think by definition that makes it a shit plan.

All right, settle down, you lot, settle down. William Wordsworth.

Wordsworth was, of course,

the first of the Romantics to use a MacBook Pro.

HE CHUCKLES

(OK...)

Careful. You're going to kill that thing.

You know, it was a birthday present from my dad.

He showed up out of the blue with a card and baby money plant

and he said...

"I owe you, darling.

"I owe you the world."

And, um...

And then he left.

And I didn't see him again for six years.

How many Ps in deprivation?

Just one.

One.

Coffee cake. Mm-hm.

That was your mum's favourite. I know.

Your mum was a big fan of cake, in general.

She always made a cake for my birthday. Aye.

Do you remember when you were six...

your mum and I, we took you to Edinburgh Zoo,

and the monkeys threw rotten fruit at us. I slipped on a bit,

fractured my foot in three places.

Damn monkeys, they were laughing at us. Do you remember? Yeah.

I remember.

That's in your book, isn't it?

The Happy thing.

Ending.

It's called Happy Ending and, yeah, the main character does go to the zoo

with her dad, but he's not you.

And they're not monkeys, they're penguins.

The penguins throw fruit, uh?

It's different, its a story, not real life... They're not the same.

Aye, whatever you say.

Damn monkeys.

THEY LAUGH

How's the new book, then? Oh, that's cooking. Aye? Yup.

And Tommy?

Don't call him Tommy, his name is Thomas Duval, he's from Saint-Tropez,

a place they named a fake tan after. You call him Tommy, you make him

sound he's from here, like he's normal. With his...

and his stupid, stubbly face.

You see a lot of Thomas Duvals around here?

There's a Jean-Claude Darcheville, he played for Rangers.

Anyway, forget about Tom.

I'm about to sign with a new publisher, Klinsch and McLeish.

With the red and white covers?

I liked him. I liked Tom. Dad.

I mean, nobody else wanted your wee book, did they?

I mean, he showed faith in you.

No, he showed faith in my book.

You know he changed my original title? Did he? Yep.

Was it a good title? That's not the point.

Was what it? What was the original title?

Nothing. Nothing, it doesn't matter. Tell me.

I mean, I like that kind of stuff, stuff that other people don't know.

It makes me feel closer to you.

OK. I was going to call it...

The Endless Anguish Of My Father.

For fuck's sake!

The Endless Anguish Of My Father?!

I knew it was about me, I knew it!

No, its not about you, it's a character I made up.

People at work looked at me differently when it came out,

I knew it! I'm away back to the depot. No, you never read it!

You're not allowed to be hurt until you've actually read the damn thing!

Do you not think I'm hurt my own dad hasn't read my novel?

I will read it.

I will read it just as soon as I get over my anguish.

Dad?

Target acquired. Over.

It's a pot plant, Roddy.

Not a North Korean reactor.

Just warn me if either of them comes back. Roger that.

Understood loud and clear.

That is a solid copy.

Right. Time for some low-level unhappiness.

HE INHALES Mm.

"The Twilight Sad."

Hey, Roddy, are you there?

"Maverick to Ice Man."

"We are Oscar Mike."

"Five clicks from extraction point."

"We have a clean visual on" - Bollocks.

Tom, Tom, Tom, she's back.

What?

She's coming up the stairs!

Shit!

Damn it, man, get out of there! Abort! Abort!

Oh, that's horrible, she's really upset. I'm not looking at that.

Yes!

Oh! What was that for?

You're enjoying this too much.

It's for her own good.

And it's not as if I actually killed her plant.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

ENGINE STRUGGLES AND DIES

TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACK

So what do you think? I think this is the end of Les Miserables. Yes.

You should write something like that.

Oh, yeah, thank you, great suggestion.

Bit of French, people dying of consumption and all that.

I'm a bit more urban Scotland, Primal Scream,

unhappy '90s childhood.

Sorry? She wasn't talking to you!

I wasn't talking to you. Oh.

Willie? Mm?

Do your characters ever, uh...talk to you?

Sure. All the time.

That's why I've got this. Drowns out the bastards.

See, when I'm writing, I like to hear the one voice - mine.

Charming.

Quite the hero. Aww, you still blocked?

SHE MOUTHS

# Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

# Hey, hey, hey, hey

# She said hey... #

"101 Ways To Beat Writer's Block"?

"Beat Your Block To A Pulp"?

SHE GIGGLES

"What Would Jesus Write"? Seriously?

OK. OK, so what is the deal?

Are you going to stalk me until I finish my novel?

Yes, I believe that's how it works.

Now, can we talk about the last chapter? What about it?

I'm a romantic heroine, I don't want to end up unhappy.

It's not that easy. You don't really get to choose your ending.

It has to follow from what came before, or it doesn't feel true.

Please. I want it all to turn out OK. Jane...

don't let us down, darling. Jane Lockhart? Mm-hm.

I thought it was you!

Shona Haybridge, proprietor of Mocha Books.

Can I just say it's such a pleasure to meet the woman

who helped pay for my new kitchen?

THEY CHUCKLE

It is, it's her, it's her, it's her.

I just lo-o-o-o-ved Happy Ending, it's so sad.

I can't wait for your next one. What's it called?

Is it finished yet? Well, it's going to be, um... It must be difficult.

I mean, so much to live up to. How do you come back

after the extraordinary success of Happy Ending?

We are interrupting the muse.

I'm sure you're eager to get back to the page.

Oh, yes. And I have my eye on a gorgeous bathroom!

LAUGHTER

Please take that with my compliments. Thank you.

I just need to run that through the till. Ah, no!

Blocked?

HE EXHALES

Dad.

Come in.

I was just making strudel. Oh...I cant stay, anyway. Er...

I just wanted to say...

I had it in my head what I was going to say.

I don't supposed you're ever stuck for words.

Eh...

Listen.

We don't really know each other.

And I would like to... to get to know you.

And I'm making a mess of it again.

The other day in the cemetery, I...

HE EXHALES

I was out of order.

I was and I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, darling.

Right, that's it, I've said it and, uh...

I'm going to go and meet the boys for quiz practice, I'm off.

Right, OK, I'm off. Dad?

It's OK.

I know how complicated all of this is and, er....

Can I be on your quiz team?

I think you're maybe a bit busy

for a daft quiz team.

Please.

I'd like to.

Get to know you.

Really? Really.

Great!

Great. We need you.

Rory's showing signs of early dementia.

That would be great.

Welcome to the family! Thanks! Thanks so much!

Please excuse Dr Klinsch, she does have a tendency to pee her pants

whenever we sign a new author.

That was just the one time. OK.

So, Klinsch and McLeish. I cant quite believe it!

I'm going to be published in one of those classic red and white covers!

I-It's obviously not just about the covers, but they're so pretty.

And your list's amazing, too. I mean, you published Glen Bucking.

Ah, Glen, fabulous writer.

And you know that you have something in common. Really?

No... What, you think so? God, he's up there with...Rushdie and McEwan.

Quite possibly.

No, I meant you were both discovered by your former publisher. Tom.

Yes, he didn't last,

they went their separate ways before the first novel was published.

By us. Oh.

Well, yeah, sounds like Tom. Anyway, enough of the past,

here's to the future.

Phew!

(So exciting!)

Blocked on this, too, eh?

I'm so sorry, would you excuse us - uh, me - for just one second?

Where's your bathroom? Uh, it's...

What are you doing here? Well, I figured out what's going on.

You can't write the ending because once it's finished

you'll have no reason to see Tom ever again.

SHE LAUGHS FORCEFULLY

Oh, that is such a load of rubbish!

KNOCK ON DOOR Jane, dear...

is everything all right?

Yep, fine, I'll just be out in a minute.

In case you haven't noticed,

I'm about to leave Tom and sign with a new publisher.

Oh, and one more minor detail,

I'm not writing my ending, I'm writing yours. And I'm not you.

No, of course not, and your first novel wasn't a barely fictionalised

account of your relationship with your father.

Oh, and remind me, what's your middle name, Jane Darsie Lockhart?

That means nothing, and anyway, I was thinking of changing your name, so...

Still here. Oh!

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Now then, young lady, ready to go with a real publisher?

Um...

Let me get this straight: you only take on writers you love.

WRITING I love.

How interesting.

No, no, it isn't.

Can we get back to making Jane miserable?

Fine.

If that's what you really want.

Have you thought a bit about what will happen if you succeed?

Yeah.

I win.

Yes, but you'll lose her.

Who cares?

It's not as if she wants to stay.

TAPE: 'Motivation: The heart of self-improvement.

'A - Achieve your dreams. Avoid negative people, things and places.

'B - Believe in yourself and in what you can do.

'C - Consider things on every angle and aspect.

'Motivation comes from the...' One of us really needs to get laid.

Oh, God, yes.

We should. Next week.

Yeah? There's a girl at the chippy.

'Q - quitters never win, and winners never quit.

'So choose your fate -

'are you going to be a quitter or a winner?'

'R...' OK.

Here's the thought. We could kill her dog.

I didn't know she had a dog. She doesn't.

We could buy her one, and then kill it.

It wouldn't be a cute dog.

And you don't think that's a little bit - how can I put this -

psychotic? Yeah, you're right. She hasn't got a dog.

But she has got a screenwriter.

I'm not helping you kill Willie Scott, am I?

HE CHUCKLES

Tom?

Dammit.

She's still baking.

Back, you cupcakes of Satan!

OK, here goes.

I hate these things. Mmm.

Yeah, I prefer the Routemaster 2670, myself.

It's a bus joke. Sorry.

No, no, I...

I get it. It's, erm...

It's just, I've never really met anyone else who made

a bus joke before.

Hello, Jane.

Hello. What do you want?

I'll tell you what I don't want.

Mmm. I don't want a cupcake.

So, two writers living under the same roof.

How's that working out? Oh...

I bet it's fantastic - sharing ideas,

the ebb and flow of discussion...

Willie must be a great boon. Yes, yes, he is.

So, what does the big man make of the new novel?

You're right, it's not fair to ask you. I should ask him.

What? No, no, he loves it. He just loves it. Naturally he has notes.

Naturally.

Willie has not asked to read one single page, has he?

Well, he's very busy with his screen thing. Oh, yes, the adaptation.

How's that going? Terrific.

Oh, it's going terrific...ly.

You don't know, do you?

He doesn't discuss it with you.

What's your point? He's using you!

That's rich, coming from you.

Grr! Come on, it's common knowledge.

He wouldn't be adapting Happy Ending if you hadn't insisted... Oh, yeah?

Willie Scott's writing career peaked sometime around 1998.

He's a talentless hack without a brain or a conscience

who doesn't give a damn about you or your novel!

Um, yeah, behind you.

Hey!

Willie!

CROWD MURMURS

HE GROANS

Is that fruit cake? Oh, yeah.

It's frozen. IT CLANGS

I brought a couple of spares. It's for your nose.

Look, I'm sorry about Willie.

He shouldn't have hit you, even though you did deserve it.

He caught me off guard.

Usually I don't go down after the first punch.

Usually it's about the...

third or fourth. Mm-hmm.

How did I get here?

I made Willie carry you.

No, you didn't. What? What's wrong now?

It's not very manly, being carried upstairs by another bloke.

He's not still here, is he? No, I sent him outside to calm down.

Look, Jane...

There's something I need to tell you.

Something I've never said before.

What's the capital of Ethiopia?

1,001 Trivia Questions. What's this for?

Your dad has a...

You're on the team.

We're in the finals, actually.

So that was it?

That's what you needed to say?

No.

No, no, no.

I...

What I meant to say is...

Happy Ending... Mmm.

At the end, when things became, you know...

..with us.

And the title...

I never told you.

The book...

..it's good.

Mm.

It's like the saddest music I've ever heard.

What the hell was that?

What are you up to? I'm not up to anything. Yes, you are.

All this sad music crap and filling my head with doubts about Willie.

Why would you do that? Why, unless...?

Unless...

Oh, I know why.

You want me to sign a new book deal with you.

Well, if you can hear me through the obvious concussion,

pay attention, it is NEVER going to happen.

I have a concussion? Oh, get off. Get off this bus.

You know what?

You really think I'd want you back?

Why?

Why would I do that to myself?

You're distant at the best of times and when you're writing,

your characters were more real to you than I was.

Ahem.

So, no, Jane.

I do not want you back.

I do not want you back.

TYPEWRITER CLACKS

So, how's the screenplay coming along?

Hmm? Your screenplay.

I was just thinking, we haven't really discussed it much at all,

and since, well, I wrote the novel, maybe I could...

you know.

What I mean is, we should have more ebb and flow.

It's not a bad idea.

You know the scene in the book where the father goes on a bender,

doesn't turn up for the mother's funeral?

Yeah.

I remember. Would you miss it?

What? You... What? You... You can't...

Willie, I think we need to talk this through.

I know what this is about, Jane.

You haven't written a word in two weeks,

so you want to talk instead of dealing with your luggage.

How many times? I am not...

There was this writer I knew that got stuck

on a long-lost sibling story arc.

Thought it was the end of his career, but...

But he beat it.

Do you know how?

How?

He wrote naked.

Yeah.

Yeah, right. Seriously.

The idea is you release yourself from the restrictions of the

everyday so you can express your ideas in an uninhibited fashion.

Oh, OK.

I think you just want to be able to sit there and write

while you stare at my tits.

They are great tits.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Yeah, come on!

It's not a weapon, Jane.

There's something up with my stick.

Yeah, pass it to the other team, Shona.

That's it, well played, well played.

PHONE RINGS

Tom?

I've got some business to take care of.

DOOR CLOSES

I want it on record that this is going too far, OK?

She's only just started rebuilding her relationship with her dad.

I'm just trying to help her finish her book,

and she'll thank me in the end.

First we get rid of Willie, then we work on Papa.

AMERICAN ACCENT ON PHONE: So, Mr Scott - Willie -

our senior development executive has been looking for...

a very special screenwriter with a distinctive voice

for a project which she has slated for next year.

Yeah. When she heard you were adapting Jane Lockhart's,

uh, Happy Ending, she was...she was excited.

We were...we were all excited.

What company is this again? I mean, have you spoken to my agent, or...?

Yeah, thank you, you too. Ciao, ciao.

Sure, she put us right onto you. Uh...

But if you're too busy right now, perhaps we should just leave it. PHONE BLEEPS

Oh, no, no, no. Erm, no.

No, no, I'm excited. It's, erm...

You know, it's not just adaptations that I do.

I mean, I have my own material, you know. Terrific. Well, uh, we, uh...

You can share all that with our...

uh, senior BP, Bob,

and our head of deputy acquisitions, Bonda, who...

They're going to be over there next Friday. You live in London, right?

Well, mainly, but, you know, I've got my place up country too,

you know, obviously.

Well, apologies,

but it may involve dragging you out to the middle of nowhere,

but we're scouting Steven's next pick.

Steven...

Seagal? Soderbergh.

He'll probably drop by to say hi, if that's OK.

Aye, that would be fine!

BELL TOLLS

HORN BEEPS

Taxi's here. Oh, where's my ticket?

Oh, it's in your bag, where you put it two minutes ago.

Jane, this is an important trip for me.

These people are working with Soderbergh.

They called me, and that just never happens.

You're right. It doesn't.

And it's all because of you.

The truth is, they would never have asked to see me

if I hadn't been adapting your novel.

Och, that's rubbish. Look, you're a great writer.

Yeah, you're right.

Where's my treatments? Did you tidy them? Willie, breathe!

How are you feeling? Good.

Sharp? Sharp, aye.

Rory? Brand-new.

Mind you, I'm a bit worried

because we don't know what he's gonnae ask us.

It's a quiz. It's a quiz, Rory. Oh, right, aye.

Aye.

Mr L!

Tom! Oh, hey, good to see you.

Good to see you.

Big night, eh? Oh, big night, big night.

Aye, this is the final.

The winner gets a holiday to America and two tickets to Disneyland.

Whoa! That's wonderful. Good luck with that.

Oh, thanks, Tom, thanks.

Listen, eh, I know that Jane and you haven't always seen eye to eye,

but, erm...

I'm sure she'll be really happy to see you.

Where is she?

Oh, she's not here yet, but the quiz doesn't start until eight, so...

Oh, well, plenty of time, then.

Och, plenty of time.

HORN BEEPS

That was quick.

Wasn't expecting you for another ten minutes.

Aye, well, I was just round the corner, hen.

Where are you going? East End, please, The Walter Scott.

Mm-hmm, lovely.

Ta-da! What do you think?

Lovely. Me and the lads discussed it.

We're going to make her captain.

When she was a little girl,

every penny her mother gave her she put in the piggy bank.

Saving up, you know, to go to Disneyland.

Every birthday was Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse,

Disneyland, Mickey Mouse, you know?

Every birthday.

Well...

..until the seventh birthday.

Her mother took her to Woolworths for a present, a gift, and, erm...

Well, they were late getting back.

I lost it, Tom, you know?

I was, "Oh, I want my dinner on the table," and...

That was the night I walked out on them.

If only that was the worst thing I did that night.

Excuse me, where are we going?

The Rabbie Burns. No, I said The Walter Scott.

You sure?

Of course I'm sure! Hey, there's no need for that.

They're both iconic pillars of our national literature,

arguably responsible for the over-romanticisation

of Scottish history that persists to this day.

It's an easy mistake to make.

All right, please, just please hurry. Please.

'Hello, it's Benny Lockhart here.

'If you leave a message then I'll get back to you soon.

'Okey dokes, bye.'

BEEP

Do you know why they were late back?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course you do, because it's in the book, isn't it?

Her mother dropped dead in Woolworths.

Her mother was lying dead in the pick and mix aisle and I'm...

Daddy was spending her Mickey Mouse money on booze.

I swore I would never touch another drop after that.

Not a drop.

You look familiar. You on the telly?

Erm, no. I've done a few interviews but... Oh, you're that writer.

Jane something. Aye, my...my wife read your book. Oh, yeah?

Aye, what's it called again? Happy Ending. Happy Ending, aye.

She was greeting her eyes out by the end.

And you wrote it? That's amazing!

God, you must be a right miserable cow.

Do know you from...?

Uh...

I'm out of fags.

What? Hey, no!

Come back, I need to get to the... Run!

..pub.

Hey!

BENNY: Years later...

..I discovered that the police brought her back...

..two minutes after I'd left home.

Two minutes, Tom.

You know, I realise that I can never make it up to that little girl,

that seven-year-old Jane that...

I can't do it.

But if we win tonight, Tom...

Whoa, if we win tonight, I'm gonnae take her to Disneyland. Aye.

I don't mean the shite one in Paris, the real Disneyland.

No offence, I know you're French.

None taken.

Gentlemen, ladies, can you please take your places for the quiz final?

She'll be here, she'll be here.

Nothing's gonnae happen. Not again, no.

Hey, hey!

You know what? I'll see you in a sec.

PHONE RINGS

Tom. Roddy, call it off. Call it off, bring her here immediately.

She's gone.

We've lost her.

In Cambuslang.

HORN BEEPS Sorry!

THUNDER RUMBLES

Captains, last call.

Please bring your team lists to the adjudicator's table.

Ben, if I don't get your list you'll forfeit your place.

Benny, come on. Come on, Benny!

Two more minutes, lads.

Oh! Argh!

Benny, I'm...

I'm sorry.

It's OK, son.

It's not your fault. Well, actually...

OK, that's enough. Let's get on with this.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the grand final of the...

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

Dad. Dad?

Question one. Who was William Shakespeare's wife?

Oh!

The indisputable winners, Benny and his Jets!

We've won! Whoa-hoa!

THEY CHANT

DISTANT CELEBRATIONS

.Fact is...

..we're not dog killers.

What's the worst thing we actually achieved?

Kidnapping a pot plant.

There's our fatal flaw.

At heart...

..we're nice guys.

I'm going to tell her everything.

JANE HUMS

I will not do nudity unless it is essential to the plot.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, you must be joking!

Jane?

Just go away.

I've got to talk to you.

Please open the door.

PHONE RINGS

Hold on a minute.

Willie? 'You need to hear about our great deal on home insurance...'

ALARM BEEPS Your meringues, Jane.

Oh, shit!

Shit, shit!

Jane, you OK? Shit!

SHE BLOWS ON THE MERINGUES

Shit, shit, shit. Shit!

Shit, shit! No!

Stop looking!

What the hell are you doing here, anyway?

I came to apolo... Whoa.

Is that my novel?

No, no, no. Give it back.

Give it back!

I paid good money for this, I'm going to read it.

No, you don't get to read anything until it's finished.

OK.

Here.

Thank you.

Good to know you behave like a grown-up once in a...

Where's the rest of it? Oh!

Hey, come out of there, you thieving bastard!

Give my back my novel!

How could you do that?

I can't believe you.

Even you.

So, what did you think?

It's merely the first couple of chapters, so who can say?

However...

Putting to one side that you're a whining,

overpaid author who clearly got lucky with her debut...

..I'd say this is a very good start.

Well...

Coming from a never-even-has-been

owner of a third-rate publishing company...

I have to say thank you.

MUSIC: Like Comedy by The Proclaimers

Naturally...

..I have a few notes.

Definitely.

For instance... MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

# You don't have to make it worse

# Cos the world isn't perfect

# And you don't need to give a toss

# But you'd make it better if you did

# You did

# You were made to be loving

# Not a source of bitterness and hate

# And when you turn them on yourself

# You make one more useless martyr

# Make the best of here and now

# Heaven or hell can wait

# They'll wait

# Let them wait

# When you lose your appetite for self-destruction. #

PHONE RINGS

Who's going to get the phone?

Just one second. Willie. Hi, Janey. Hi.

So, how's the trip going? Did you meet Soderbergh?

There was no meeting. I've been stuck in the arse end of nowhere.

Couldn't get a cab, I've been walking for nine hours

in the rain, my phone died - I've only just now found a phone.

Oh, Willie!

I'm cold, I'm wet and I'm feeling so...

so miserable. You know, the funny thing is...

..even though the trip turned out so badly...

it made me realise a few things.

I miss you, Janey.

You're the best thing in my life and...

..I love you.

Janey, let's get married.

# So many days

# So many nights I cried

# Written in these words

# Everything I feel inside

# So be careful with my heart... #

Oh. HE COUGHS

There we go.

He's sick! Oh, come on, he's just taking the piss now.

He said he loves me.

You've heard him.

Actually, I didn't. Maybe it was in your vivid imagination.

And I love Willie too. He makes me...happy.

Any chance of that cup of tea, doll?

Aw, he's a sweetheart.

# But I cannot be loved

# If I never give my heart

# Torn all along the way

# Picking up the pieces... #

Priscilla.

Listen, sweetheart, get out the big pen.

It's time to bill the bastards for my first draft.

I just finished the script.

A lifetime with Willie Scott.

If that doesn't make her miserable, nothing will.

Look, I know things haven't worked out for the two of you but...

surely you don't really, actually, totally,

completely want her to be unhappy?

Of course I don't. I mean...

Oh, tu comprends rien.

It's tricky, OK? Whatever.

# Ever since he tore my world

# I fell apart

# And rescue me

# From this story

# Cos this is not another happy ending. #

Which is why Shakespeare never left New York again.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, OK. Erm, chapter 21.

Read it or be punished.

Yo. He's only gone and changed the ending! Wow!

All you did was change her title

and she thought you were a complete wanker.

That's... Juan Kerr.

He was a 19th century South American revolutionary.

This is going to break her heart. Yeah, well, great.

Now all you've got to do is make sure she reads it.

Mission accomplished.

Yeah.

You've given it a happy ending?

And your point? The point is Jane's novel doesn't end happily.

Who the hell wants to walk out of a movie feeling miserable?

You have to change it back. I don't think so.

That script says more about my love for her

than I could ever put into words.

She doesn't know yet, does she?

Do you have any idea what this will do to her? To both of you?

I made a mistake and I can't take it back.

But really, if you truly love her, change it.

What's going on here?

You just don't get her, do you? Oh, I get her, all right.

Every night I get her.

Any way up I fancy.

Hit a sick man, would you?

Watch this. Ah! Oh, oh, oh!

Remind me, does the bridge explode in the novel?

DOOR CREAKS

Hi, Janey, I'm home.

HE COUGHS Any chance of a wee cup of tea?

Willie!

I just don't understand how you can do this over a dumb ending.

No, no, you don't.

Well, if it's any consolation, Janey, I don't think me

and you would have worked out anyway. Oh.

I just don't get all that "worshipping your pain" stuff.

Daddy issues.

# I guess it's funnier from where you're standing

# Cos from over here I miss the joke

# Clear the way for my crash landing

# I've done it again, another number for your notes

# I'd be smiling if I wasn't so desperate

# I'd be patient if I had the time

# I could stop and answer all of your questions

# As soon as I find out how I can move from the back of the line

# I'll be your clown

# Behind the glass

# Go ahead and laugh cos it's funny

# I would too if I saw

# I'll be your clown

# On your favourite channel

# My life's a circus, circus

# Round in circles

# Selling out tonight. #

Tom, if she hasn't delivered, you have to take Pandemic Media's offer.

Mark my words - never going to happen.

Well, I'll have no option but to declare you bankrupt

and call in a receiver.

HE WHINES, COUGHS

You're my relationship manager, right? Yeah, so?

So, what should I do about my relationship?

Oh, for God's sake!

Do you love her?

Tom.

Jane. Hi. Tom's not here.

Should be back any minute if you want to wait. No, I don't think so.

I'm heading off for a bit of a break.

I just came to drop this off. It's my new novel.

I finished it. Oh! That's a relief.

Between you and me,

your book's the only thing stopping this place from going tits up.

So, where shall I leave it?

Erm...

Just put it on his desk.

OK. Bye.

SHE SIGHS

I don't know what to do.

Hold it. Jane.

Jane!

Argh! Bastard!

No, I shouldn't still be seeing you.

I finished it!

Leave me alone. All I want is to be alone!

GRAVEL CRUNCHES

HE KNOCKS THE DOOR Jane.

Jane!

Listen, I know you're in there.

And I know it sounds crazy, but I was trying to help.

Jane.

Your dad's worried about you and so am I.

He told me where to find you.

All you care about is what my book can do for your damn company.

Well, you got what you wanted.

HE KNOCKS THE DOOR

Jane, please open the door.

Jane, I'm not good at this countryside stuff, all right?

I think I saw a bear.

SHE MOUTHS

Jane.

I'm sorry.

Thanks a lot.

I deserved that.

I'll just go, shall I?

I'll go.

# Crash land

# So I can't find you

# And just as things were looking up

# We're stuck

# Don't panic

# Because I'm left without food

# And just as things were heating up

# I should've told you that you're good enough

# Because I'm stuck here on this island

# And I've lost her all over again

# Nothing gets better than memories

# When all your have are memories for friends

# And I was searching... #

HE SHOUTS IN FRENCH

# I was searching when my flight went down

# Cos I made a rope

# Can I throw it out to you?

# You drag me back home

# I deserve to be rescued

# But still I have trouble with most days and nights

# But still I have trouble with moving my life outside... #

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

# Crash land

# So I can't find you

# And just as things were looking up

# We're fucked

# Don't panic

# Cos there's nothing here to fear

# Just don't lose imagination

# Or luck

# Cos I made a rope

# And can I throw it out to you?

# You drag me back home

# I deserve to be rescued. #

It's eight miles to the nearest village.

I don't expect to see you when I wake up.

Goodnight.

HE COUGHS

SHE YELLS

What the hell were you thinking?

About the plant? No, about me! Idiot.

Here's the thing.

You go to some dark places when you write.

You bring out stuff most people prefer to keep locked up,

so I thought maybe if I made you miserable...

I'd be able to finish my novel? Well, that's genius. Well, I was wrong.

Of course you were wrong.

You don't have to be miserable to write, you do it because you have to.

Because it gnaws away at your insides if you try to ignore it.

Because if you don't write, then you might as well be dead.

And what do you mean you were wrong? You got the novel, didn't you?

In Tom and Roddy world, the plan was a roaring success. Not exactly.

The last chapter, it doesn't work.

It needs a rewrite.

How much of it?

All of it.

You all right?

No.

I'm bloody not all right and I want more chocolate.

Maybe...

..it would help if you talked it through.

What have I missed?

I think the problem might be that you don't really get

to choose your ending.

It has to follow naturally from what comes before or it doesn't

feel true. Oh, he's so insightful. I want to start with Darsie.

Oh, goody. I don't understand her. You'll get it.

I mean, why is she in love with a man who betrays her so utterly?

He's emotionally crippled,

has an uncomfortable tendency for mean-spiritedness...

He has nice...

hair.

Mm.

OK, so, yes.

Maybe there is an element of autobiography.

Which means you're the reason I can't write. Me?

At some point during the last few weeks, it dawned on me that...

when I finished this novel, we were finished too,

and some insane part of me doesn't want that to happen.

You're my block, Tom. But I want you to finish it.

Yeah, of course you want me to finish it. And for what?

So you can turn a profit. I've sold it.

What?

I've sold the business.

No, you can't have sold it.

That stupid company is you.

Get it back. You can't do this to me.

I'm on the moral high ground here and I'm not getting off now.

You sold it? Yeah.

And you can take all the time you need for the last chapter.

I made it part of the deal.

Uh, Tom?

I didn't sign.

With Klinsch and McLeish - I couldn't do it.

Jane, I've spoken to my relationship manager...

If I hear the words "sad",

"beautiful" or "music" you're a dead man.

Apparently...

..I block you.

And I block you too.

SHE YELLS

What? What could possibly be more important?

I know how it ends.

I'm just going to get my laptop.

Ah! I don't care.

You are on fire! You are pretty hot yourself, baby.

SHE GIGGLES

Uh, Tom?

Tom, what are you doing?

Tom? Oh, my God, Tom!

Tom?

Tom!

Why is it that the saddest endings always seem the truest?

In the stories I told myself, I was always the heroine.

Always reaching for my happy ending.

It didn't turn out that way.

I won't get to spend the rest of my life with him.

But I was loved.

And that's enough.

MAN COUGHS

Ladies and gentlemen, Jane Lockhart will now be signing

copies of her chart-topping new novel, You'll Catch Your Death.

Well, Darsie, back where you belong.

Are you actually talking to your book?

You don't think it's all a bit tacky? Tacky? We have canapes.

Now, get signing.

Are you ready? Go on, just do it. OK, pay attention, class.

Pay attention!

Jane Lockhart, of course, follows Charlotte Bronte as only

the second writer in English to design and build her own hovercraft.

Hovercraft!

H-O-V-E-R-C-R-A-F-T.

See? They believe anything you tell them.

So...

I thought you said the Pandemic Media people were coming today.

Where are they?

You're looking at them. What do you mean?

They want someone in the company who won't let you get away

with your usual extravagance.

Someone hardline..

..someone disciplined.

Oh!

Cheers! Brilliant.

Cheers, thank you. Thank you.

You read it.

Yeah.

Her father was really bad to her. A nasty piece of work.

No. No, no, no, he wasn't... But...

..she forgives him in the end.

Mr L!

Oh, if you think that was bad,

wait till you see what she's done with you in her new one.

Yeah, erm...

Mr Lockhart, Benny, would you give us a second?

Yeah, sure. Thanks.

So... Mm-hmm.

Look... Yes.

You are, frankly,

about the most infuriating person I've ever met, which,

considering I work in Scottish publishing, is saying something.

But we couldn't have got here without each other.

So, Jane, what I'm saying is...

will you...?

Could you...?

Is that a contract? Two more books and an option for a third.

Exclusive? Naturally, we'd have to work very, very, very closely.