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This film contains strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:07 | |
'Buy camera, press button, shoot wedding. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:16 | |
'You know, it all sounded so bloody simple.' | 0:00:16 | 0:00:18 | |
-DISTORTED VOICE: -Right, so here I am record... | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
No, that's not it. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
-Do you need a bit of help, mate? -Huh? | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
First of all, look, you've got it all on manual settings. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
And then, mate, you're zoomed right in. You need to come out. There. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:40 | |
-Hey, there's you! -Full picture. Here's me. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
Cheers for that, man. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:44 | |
So, er...Raif Moyle here, somewhere over the North Sea. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:52 | |
Making the symbolic journey home to see my brother to be his best man. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:56 | |
-This is Chris. -Hello. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
Who showed me how to use the camera. That's nice. And...ooh. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
This is Kyla, who, for a free can of Heineken, | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
is about to get a starring role in my picture. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
It's three euros. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
'So, this was it. 10:15, May the 3rd, | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
'arriving home to be my brother's best man. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
'I've just bought a camera and decided to film the build-up to his wedding. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:24 | |
'At this point I'm exactly six weeks and three days away | 0:01:24 | 0:01:28 | |
'from totally destroying their marriage. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
'Didn't know it then, of course.' | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
Cheers, mate. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
'All I knew was I was coming home to see my brother for the first time in three years. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:39 | |
'A really magical thing to get on film. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
'One of those things you can't repeat.' | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
Bro! | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
Oh, bollocks. We're going to have to do this again, sorry. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:53 | |
-Sit, sit, sit! -What are we doing? | 0:01:56 | 0:01:57 | |
-I just want to get your reaction on camera. -I'm trying to get dressed for a party, Raif. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:01 | |
This will take less than a minute. It's important. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
-Right. -Right? -Right. -Ready? | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
-Yes. -Action. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
Tim, my brother! How lovely to see you. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
-Is that it? -I'm leaving a gap so you can say, "It's lovely to see you, too." -It's lovely to see you, too. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
Thank you. And, as such, I've got you the most incredible wedding present. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:18 | |
-A toaster. -No. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
-An erotic fertility symbol. -Better. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
An erotic fertility symbol that also toasts! | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
Ta-da! | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
-A camera? -No, I'm going to make a film of your wedding. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
-No, you're not. -The highs, the lows, the little... | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
Listen. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
I'm going to make this YOUR wedding, YOUR film, made with love by me. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:41 | |
-So that one day you and... -Saskia. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
Saskia - thank you - can look back at this, show it to your grandchildren. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:48 | |
-All right, well, yes, thank you... very much. -You're welcome. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
-But no swearing and no nudity. -Scout's honour. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:56 | |
-Hi, sexy. -Bloody hell. Do you mind? | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
I'm telling you, this is going to be a "warts and all" wedding video. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
And there, ladies, is the wart. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
This is what people want to see. That's the money shot right there. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:08 | |
-The looks and the brains. -Yeah... -Hey, how's it going? | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
-You're the brains. -Yeah? | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
Yeah. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:14 | |
Hmm. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:15 | |
RAIF GUFFAWS | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
-Look at that. Look at that bum. -Yeah, all right. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
That's why she's marrying you! | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
-She says she knows you, by the way. Saskia. -Huh? -I think she went to your school. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:27 | |
-Saskia Critchley? Doesn't ring any bells. -Well, no, | 0:03:27 | 0:03:31 | |
because her mum remarried. At school she'd have been Saskia Dutton. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:36 | |
-Fuck off. -What? | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
-You're marrying Saskia Dutton? -What? -THE Saskia Dutton? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:42 | |
Highest non-attendance record in school history. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
Suspended on an almost fortnightly basis. Saskia Dutton was a legend. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:50 | |
-That is brilliant. -OK, can you stop this? | 0:03:50 | 0:03:53 | |
That's amazing, though! Like...you! | 0:03:53 | 0:03:57 | |
-Why not me? -Because you're you! | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
-That's ridiculous. -It's not ridiculous. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
-It... Tim! -Can you stop this? | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
Hang on, the Duttons were permanently skint. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
-They can't live round here. -Yeah. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
-I don't believe that. -Well, I guess things have... changed a bit. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
Holy shit! | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
'This was it. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:27 | |
'The exact moment I entered a part of Cheshire I'd only heard tell of as a kid. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:32 | |
'The part they called the Beverly Hills of the UK.' | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
Hi. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:37 | |
-Tim! There he is. -Hi. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
There he is, my superstar. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
Hi. Erm, Alex, this is Raif, my brother. Raif, this is Alex, Saskia's mother. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:49 | |
-Hello, Raif. -Hello. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
-(What's this?) -He's, er, making a film. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
-As a wedding present. -Oh, you should have told me. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:57 | |
I'd have spent more time on my make-up. | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
-Right. -SHE GIGGLES | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
Welcome, Raif. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
Today there are still children from low-income backgrounds | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
whose lives are destroyed by the ravages of alcohol abuse. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:14 | |
POPPING OF CORKS | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
Your presence at this champagne tasting means we can send some of them... | 0:05:17 | 0:05:21 | |
These are THE three most important women in Cheshire. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:24 | |
This is Kym Ling of Yang Ling restaurants. You know, Wilmslow, The Edge, everywhere. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:28 | |
-Only eight, darling. -Only eight, she says! | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
-Tara Devlin of...Devlin's. -Voila. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
And Jacqui Mintchell-Baines of Mintchell-Baines Mercedes. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
-Hello. -Not to mention, | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
the bride-to-be. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
WOMEN LAUGH | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
Saskia! | 0:05:44 | 0:05:45 | |
Saskia... | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
Come and meet...the best man. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
-Saskia Dutton. -Raif Moyle. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:55 | |
Fuck me. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
'OK, let me just explain my reaction quickly. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:01 | |
MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
-'This is how -I -remember Saskia Dutton. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:07 | |
'The craziest girl at school, when she bothered to turn up. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:10 | |
'The sort of girl your mum would warn you about. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
'She went to parties like this | 0:06:13 | 0:06:14 | |
'and hung out with blokes like that. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
'But now...' | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
So, how did the two of you meet? | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
We met at a Road Haulage Industry gala night. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
-Oooh! Sounds exciting! -All right, steady. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
Was that a benefit for all the cyclists they'd mowed down that year? | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
It was a benefit for children, Raif. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:38 | |
OK? | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
It's a Christmas party. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:42 | |
-My step-dad... Well, his company Rigid Box... -RAIF SNIGGERS | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
All right, why don't you go back there where I can keep an eye on you. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
-A sheep smells nicer. Go on, go away. -Yeah, all right. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
So, Tim, how does a guy like you propose to a girl like Saskia? | 0:06:53 | 0:06:58 | |
-Er, we... -It was in Chester. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
-Yeah. -The city. It was lovely. -We came out of the restaurant, | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
I sat her down by the fountains roundabout and popped the question. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:07 | |
And he timed the fountains so they went off just as I gave my answer. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:11 | |
Which was a bit embarrassing because I said no initially. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
She's...joking. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
Alex's charity events, perfection. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
I'm blushing here. So embarrassing. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
Do you remember the buffet for Famine Relief? | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
Oh, my God. I've still got half of it in the freezer. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
Have you? I'll have it back for the next one! | 0:07:30 | 0:07:34 | |
-It's in a good cause. -No, actually, we do raise a lot of money. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:38 | |
-We try and put something back. -Like today. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
-We've got great lives and... -Very good cause. Let's drink to that. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
-The alcohol-abused children. -Absolutely. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
Great lad. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
Great lad, this. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
As Saskia's step-dad, I suppose you're doing the "father of the bride" speech, Des? | 0:07:52 | 0:07:56 | |
-No, no. -Oh, that's a great idea. Des, you should. -No, no. | 0:07:56 | 0:08:00 | |
We would love that. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
Oh, good. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
Thanks. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:06 | |
Are you from round here? | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
Initially, yes. I'm a traveller now. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
-What? -I travel. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
-Country to country, or lay-by to lay-by? -Abroad. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:18 | |
Right. For a minute there you had me reaching for my handbag. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:23 | |
Because if I were a Traveller I might try to rob you. That's... | 0:08:23 | 0:08:27 | |
Of course not, they don't ALL try to rob you. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:30 | |
The adults keep you talking. The children rob you. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:35 | |
Raif, where are you? | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
-(I'm over here in England, in about -1700.) Oh, you've met. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:41 | |
Raif, this is Saskia's grandmother, Patricia. Patricia, this is my brother Raif. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:45 | |
-Brother? -Yes. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
Here's me asking if you know Manor House. You went. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
Ah, no. Tim got a scholarship. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
I went to Roton High, same as Saskia. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
She was in the year above me. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
Was above me in most things, to be perfectly honest. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
When Saskia got told off it was by the Headmaster. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
I only ever managed the Deputy Head. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
The last time I saw Saskia Dutton, she was being carried out of the chemistry lab, | 0:09:06 | 0:09:11 | |
a teacher at either end, having drunk an entire test tube of industrial alcohol. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:16 | |
-That was so funny! Remember... -SHE MOUTHS | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
-Tim, shall we get another drink? -WHAT a good idea. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:23 | |
RAIF CLEARS THROAT | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
This is the actual day. Saskia Dutton is meant to be in this photograph but, er... | 0:09:28 | 0:09:34 | |
Well, she knew all the teachers would be out on the field so... | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
that was the day of the chemistry lab raid. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
If she'd looked up as she was carried into that ambulance... | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
-I got a duvet and pillows and stuff. -Look, look. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:46 | |
Cool. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:47 | |
Have you really not opened any of these boxes from Mum and Dad's? | 0:09:47 | 0:09:50 | |
I've been kinda busy, having a job, getting married, buying this duvet. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
Come on, man. This is you and me in these boxes. This is us, our whole lives. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:58 | |
-Yeah. OK, well, knock yourself out. Got a bit of an early start. All right? -All right... | 0:09:58 | 0:10:03 | |
-Sleep well. -Night, mate. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
'5:30am. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
'The only people awake are milkmen, crack addicts, | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
'and women preparing for a wedding.' | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
-Do you have to do this? -Course he does. It's background. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:33 | |
-Have you filmed the home cinema? -Yeah. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:36 | |
Stick a kebab shop up there and you'll never have to leave the house. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
Oh, I wish, don't you, that you had more time at home sometimes? | 0:10:39 | 0:10:43 | |
My husband, Des, with his company. The amount of social functions. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:47 | |
-Is it very hard being Mrs Rigid Box? -Not hard HARD. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:51 | |
No, I'm not complaining. God, there's people in India with no legs. It's just... | 0:10:51 | 0:10:55 | |
Could you... Sorry, could you take your shoes... | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
Oh, right. Sorry. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
-It's just with it being porcelain. -Yeah. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
Thanks, darling. This week, for example, | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
two separate nights we're taking clients to the concerts at... | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
Do you know the classical concerts at Breton Castle? Do you know those? | 0:11:09 | 0:11:12 | |
They are amazing. Full orchestra, outside, under the stars. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:18 | |
-Costs a fortune to get in but... -Not if you do it like we used to. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:22 | |
Yeah, I'm sure Raif doesn't want to know about that, darling. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
We used to climb the hill from the other side. Watch it all from behind for free. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:31 | |
Bag of sandwiches. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
Actually, Raif, could you put your shoes back on? | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
Oh...sorry. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:40 | |
OK, get ready for the slow motion. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
And...slooooow moooootion. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:50 | |
'Meet Tim Moyle, my big brother.' | 0:11:50 | 0:11:54 | |
Oh, don't do that. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
-So, tell me about your job. -Well, I'm head of a department | 0:12:02 | 0:12:06 | |
which oversees systems across the various council departments... RAIF YAWNS THEATRICALLY | 0:12:06 | 0:12:10 | |
-..and it makes sure... -Can't...stay...awake... | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
OK, piss right off. Thank you. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
-Here is where I had my first pint. -Oh, come on. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
Put a bit of life into it. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
-Here is where I had my first pint! -Yeah, all right, thank you. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:28 | |
And so it was here, amongst this scrubland, | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
-that Tim found an adult magazine. -Raif. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
Upon taking it home, Grandma found it in the airing cupboard, and said to him... | 0:12:38 | 0:12:44 | |
"Tim, if there's anything you don't understand about women, | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
"you need only ever ask." | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
And this is the bridge where Raif would LIKE me to tell you about something, | 0:12:50 | 0:12:54 | |
but over there is the electric fence where Raif, aged five, | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
electrocuted his penis by trying to wee against it... | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
-Tim... -..and had to be taken to the hospital with his pants down... | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
-No... -..and the doctor, who I thought had a terrific sense of humour, | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
said, "From now on, every time you do a poo, your nose will light up," | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
and little Raif burst into tears! Boo-hoo-hoo! | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
Thank you. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
GAME-SHOW MUSIC PLAYS | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
Hello, and welcome to Mr And Mrs, | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
where we find out how much the bride and groom know about each other. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:23 | |
-I really don't want to do this. -I told you she wouldn't... | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
-Put the box on, it'll be good. -Stupid. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
So, Saskia, if you could get married anywhere in the world, | 0:13:27 | 0:13:32 | |
-where in the world would you get married? -I dunno. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
Up a mountain or maybe the side of a volcano or... | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
-Really? -You're not meant to be able to hear in the box. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:42 | |
-I thought you liked the Grosvenor. -I do. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
-I like it. If we have to have a load of guests then it's fine. -Fine, look... | 0:13:44 | 0:13:49 | |
Tim. People often refer to me as the human Las Vegas. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:54 | |
-TIM MOUTHS -But if Saskia were any city in the world, what city would she be? | 0:13:54 | 0:13:58 | |
Oh, er, I don't know. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
-Leicester? -Leicester? | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
-You're not meant to be able to hear... -What's wrong with Leicester? | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
-Tim. Lei... I mean... -It's bright, it's central. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
-It's got great connections. -Oh. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
-It's nice. -Makes sense. -Have you ever been? -No. Fair enough. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
-Right, put those on. -I guess I am Leicester. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
-Put that there. Thank you. -Thank you. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
Right. Tim. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened during sexual intercourse? | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
-Don't you dare answer that. -You're not meant to be... | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
-Ow! Turn it down. Jesus. -Tim. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:30 | |
What does Saskia think is your most irritating habit? | 0:14:30 | 0:14:33 | |
She'd probably say I don't really have any. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
-Are you sure? -Yeah. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
-Final answer? -Yeah. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:42 | |
OK. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:43 | |
-Saskia. -Yes! -What is Tim's most irritating habit? | 0:14:43 | 0:14:48 | |
Oh, God. Snoring. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
No? Did he say rolling down, when he rolls down the cereal packet? | 0:14:51 | 0:14:56 | |
Counting my drinks? No. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
-When he puts the toilet paper in a "V". -Yeah, OK. -That's really... | 0:14:59 | 0:15:04 | |
Oh, no, did... | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
did you think I was going to say... | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
He folds up his dirty underwear before he puts it in the laundry. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:13 | |
I don't actually find that annoying. I think it's funny. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
-It makes sense. -Yeah, I know. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
You fold it, you get more in the laundry basket. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
I thought maybe you thought that's what I thought... | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
CHURCH BELLS CHIME | 0:15:25 | 0:15:26 | |
'Many people find getting married is a time to re-examine their atheism.' | 0:15:26 | 0:15:30 | |
-Hello! -Oh, hi. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
-Reverend Dobbs? Tim. -Tim, how are you? | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
-Hi, Saskia. Hello. -Saskia... Hello! | 0:15:34 | 0:15:38 | |
Oh, sorry. This is, um... this is the best man. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
He's just doing, like, a film thing for the wedding. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
No, no, it's fine. That's fine. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
I'm quite used to being in front of a camera. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
-(Ohhh, shit.) -Um, would you like to come in? -Yeah. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:53 | |
'Welcome...to Damascus.' | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
-Right, so... -This is it! | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
'Mary said to Joseph, "I don't think this is our donkey."' | 0:15:57 | 0:16:03 | |
REVEREND DOBBS LAUGHS | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
Look at that little boy! | 0:16:06 | 0:16:09 | |
-Every time. -That's really good. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
Cool...so, um, | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
could we... So the wedding, is that... The wedding. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:27 | |
-Of course, sorry, the wedding. -I suppose we were thinking... | 0:16:27 | 0:16:32 | |
VIDEO PLAYER EJECTS | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
Right. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
So... | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
TITTERING | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
..are you both... | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
virgins? | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
Wow, um... | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
REVEREND DOBBS LAUGHS | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
Your face! | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
-REVEREND DOBBS CONVULSES -I'm sor... | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
Wow... Every time! Every time! | 0:17:03 | 0:17:08 | |
'Now, Saskia wasn't the only bride that summer. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
'Also getting hitched was Zanna. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
'Daughter of Alex's friend-slash-rival Jacqui Mercedes Franchise.' | 0:17:17 | 0:17:22 | |
All right, yeah. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:24 | |
# The best things in life are free... # | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
'After a perfect ceremony and a flawless dove release, | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
'experts were predicting this would be the Cheshire Wedding of the Year.' | 0:17:34 | 0:17:39 | |
-Gold leaf champagne? -Oh, wonderful. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
Cheshire mushroom. Picked this morning by the groom. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
-Really? -Complimentary camera? | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
Lovely. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
-Frozen sugared rose petals. -Oh, for fuck's sake. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:53 | |
'Jacqui had hired a professional film crew. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
'They had a lot of fancy kit but lacked a sort of creative integrity | 0:17:55 | 0:18:00 | |
'demonstrated by a more independent film-maker.' | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
It's a glorious wedding. You've been brilliant. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
So is your wedding going to be like this? | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
Yeah, a bit like this. I mean, it's a wedding, isn't it? | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
-We've had the bit in the church, now you do the milling around, avoiding people. -Milling? | 0:18:15 | 0:18:20 | |
-Well, you know, general milling. -Boys... | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
(Come in here. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
(Come in here! See this.) | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
Take a look at this. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
Get every detail. Even the canopy, you know. They've thought of... | 0:18:31 | 0:18:36 | |
These little diamondy things. It's a lovely touch. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
Could you clear the basin so we can look at that? | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
And this. The toilets. Elmsley and Barnes in a portable. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:48 | |
-WOMAN: Ooh! -Oh, I'm so sorry. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
Erm... | 0:18:54 | 0:18:55 | |
-Sorry. -Sorry. | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
TIM MOUTHS | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
'The wedding was perfection. But Jacqui hadn't finished. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:10 | |
'Zanna was going to sing for us. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
'A simple love song sung from the heart? | 0:19:14 | 0:19:16 | |
'No. This was a Cheshire wedding, so...' | 0:19:16 | 0:19:20 | |
ORCHESTRA PLAYS "MY HEART WILL GO ON" | 0:19:20 | 0:19:21 | |
FOGHORN SOUNDS | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
Smoke, smoke. More smoke. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
COUGHING Too much smoke. Cut the smoke! | 0:19:33 | 0:19:36 | |
Darling, no! | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
SCREAMING | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
-Daddy! -The ice! | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
Oh, shit. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:53 | |
'The next morning I found a very different Alex. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
'With the favourite fallen at the last, | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
'the race for Cheshire Wedding of the Year was wide open. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:14 | |
'Alex decided to pick up the pace. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
'Suddenly I had a new camera and shitloads of kit.' | 0:20:17 | 0:20:22 | |
Sorry, I got a bit of our reflection in there. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
-Sorry, Alex, have to do that again. -Oh, come on. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
-Hi, there. My name's... -Sorry, Rog. Lift the mic up a bit. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:31 | |
Sorry. Hi. My name's Roger and I'm delighted, | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
because I've just been asked to write a love song for this video. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
Well, we said if you held the mic we'd discuss it, so it's not a... | 0:20:37 | 0:20:42 | |
All right, no, Rog... | 0:20:43 | 0:20:45 | |
And you can find yourself another fucking sound man. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
No, don't be like that. You're definitely doing it. You are definitely, definitely doing it. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:52 | |
Cheers, man. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:56 | |
-Oh, Rog, don't stand there. -What? | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
You're in the shot. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
And this is the Meribelle, modelled by Tricia. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:16 | |
Tricia's put on a little weight recently, | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
but the Meribelle's woven with elastic panels, | 0:21:19 | 0:21:22 | |
so it can cope with the odd doughnut. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
-Rog, you're in shot again. -Can I have a go? | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
No, you can't have a go. I've got a tone here, a style developing. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:31 | |
But this thing's killing my arms. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
You wouldn't ask Rembrandt, "Can I have a go on your paintbrush?", would you? | 0:21:33 | 0:21:37 | |
-Don't be a twat. -Don't say twat at a wedding fair. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:41 | |
Twat! GASPING | 0:21:41 | 0:21:42 | |
(Rog, shut up!) | 0:21:42 | 0:21:43 | |
Well, your brother made it... | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
-Actually...yeah. Have a go. -Cool. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:55 | |
So, our guinea pig today is Lauren. Lauren, have you set a date? | 0:21:58 | 0:22:03 | |
I have, Penny. 30th of January, three years' time, Mairstone Castle. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:08 | |
Three years! Wow. Is your groom all right about that long a wait? | 0:22:08 | 0:22:12 | |
No, well, I haven't actually met anyone yet, but if I don't book now I won't get the venue. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:18 | |
And with our specialist technology, we put weights within the bouquet, | 0:22:18 | 0:22:23 | |
so that the extra weight of the posy will tense your biceps. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:27 | |
It will strengthen your triceps, | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
and it will eliminate any risk of bingo wings on your big day. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:34 | |
But also to try and find something that's compatible with your current... | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
Obviously, you don't want to be all like... | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
You don't want to be stiff on the morning after your wedding. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
-Yeah, Raif, stop it. -Hmm? | 0:22:43 | 0:22:44 | |
Stop it. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
Sorry. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:47 | |
Hi, guys. So the idea is you visit the studios | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
around six weeks before your wedding day, | 0:22:51 | 0:22:52 | |
and you bring your wedding lingerie, your veil and tiara, | 0:22:52 | 0:22:56 | |
and then we direct you into these amazing body sculpting poses. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
Do this. Definitely do this. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
Ever the other way round? Do you ever film grooms for brides? | 0:23:02 | 0:23:06 | |
Yes, of course, sir. Would you like to enter our draw to win a photoshoot? | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
No, thank you. It's great, it's not for me. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
-Thank you so much. Thank you. -Thanks. Cheers. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:16 | |
'Cor, don't mind if I do.' | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
-Actually, yes, I will. -Oh, great. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
The heat of the room warms them up. So at the special moment, | 0:23:23 | 0:23:27 | |
la-la, voila! Wedding filled with butterflies. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:32 | |
-That is stupendous. -Look at that. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:36 | |
-We've got to have that. -You have. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
-Is that one dead? -No, they're just sleeping. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
-They're all... -No, no. -Those four are dead. Look, that's not moving. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
That one's alive. I think it's eating that one. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:47 | |
Look, there's one right here. Saskia, there's one on you! | 0:23:47 | 0:23:51 | |
Get it off. Please take it off. I don't want it. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
Please, take it off. I don't like... Sorry. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
-They're nice. -I don't want that, actually. Sorry. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:59 | |
What can a butterfly do except look lovely? | 0:23:59 | 0:24:02 | |
-Sas... -Don't worry, we'll have them. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
-Thank you. -Three boxes for each per... | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
So we've got eight bridesmaids... | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
Well, um...making it personal to Saskia, you know. I think that's what... Don't we? | 0:24:10 | 0:24:14 | |
What makes a wedding special. Those little personal ideas, | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
personal touches that make it absolutely, entirely Saskia's. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:23 | |
And I hope that's what Jenna's going to come up with. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
Mm. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:28 | |
'So, what's it like being a wedding planner?' | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
Oh, well, being a wedding planner's a dream job for a woman. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:35 | |
You get married six times a year and you never have to go home with the men! | 0:24:35 | 0:24:39 | |
-And you used to be an air hostess? -Er, yes. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:46 | |
I stopped being an air hostess after one particularly bad flight into... | 0:24:46 | 0:24:51 | |
Helsinki, after which I... sort of lost confidence. | 0:24:51 | 0:24:55 | |
And my love for the job, and I... suffered a severe loss of drive. | 0:24:55 | 0:25:00 | |
Severe loss of...of motivation. Plus, um... | 0:25:00 | 0:25:04 | |
I started to... | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
scream quite a bit during turbulence, so that wasn't... | 0:25:07 | 0:25:11 | |
so good. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:12 | |
Remember one thing. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:24 | |
People come for the bride and the groom, | 0:25:24 | 0:25:27 | |
but they go home... | 0:25:27 | 0:25:29 | |
talking about the butterfly release. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
SHE MAKES FLITTERING SOUNDS | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
Wow. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
This is going to be really special. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
To get some tips for Tim and Saskia's first dance, | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
we've managed to get Konstantin Yevchinski from the Moscow Ballet. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:51 | |
MUSIC: The Power Of Love by Jennifer Rush | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
So our thought was, um, this is kind of our song... | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
Well, not our song but a song that was playing when... | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
on the night we met. So... | 0:26:00 | 0:26:04 | |
KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
Um, do it, the dance, now. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:11 | |
Er... | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN | 0:26:24 | 0:26:28 | |
Um...you two have never had sex. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:32 | |
KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
You dance like you've never had sex. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:39 | |
Um...have you had sex? | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
-Not since we got here. -No. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:46 | |
Dance is passion. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
It's not here. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:53 | |
It's here! | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
MUSIC: Play That Funky Music by Wild Cherry | 0:26:59 | 0:27:03 | |
ROCK'N'ROLL PLAYS | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
MUSIC: I See You Baby (Fatboy Slim Remix) by Groove Armada | 0:27:21 | 0:27:27 | |
IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
MUSIC: I See You Baby (Fatboy Slim Remix) by Groove Armada | 0:27:29 | 0:27:35 | |
TANGO PLAYS | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
Stop! | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
-It's...it's shit. Basically. -OK. Sorry. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
-KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN -Er...terrible. Shit. Er, penis...limp. | 0:27:55 | 0:28:00 | |
Drooping like two wildebeests or any bison-like creature. | 0:28:00 | 0:28:05 | |
-Pissed bison. Yeah, pissed. -Oh, no, don't... Oh! | 0:28:05 | 0:28:08 | |
Oh, if you just... | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
Maestro! | 0:28:11 | 0:28:13 | |
SLAVIC FOLK MUSIC PLAYS | 0:28:13 | 0:28:17 | |
Oh, yes. | 0:28:17 | 0:28:19 | |
SHE WHIMPERS | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
If you feel passion in your partner, you'll feel it! | 0:28:38 | 0:28:42 | |
Is that right, Alex? Did you feel his passion? | 0:28:42 | 0:28:45 | |
Sorry? | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
Going to put the camera here. I've no idea what I'm filming. | 0:28:50 | 0:28:55 | |
Who was it who said, "You never know what's around the corner"? | 0:28:55 | 0:28:59 | |
Um, John F Kennedy. | 0:28:59 | 0:29:01 | |
No, I think it was Forrest Gump, wasn't it? The chocolates thing? | 0:29:01 | 0:29:05 | |
Anyway, you plan for one venue and suddenly | 0:29:05 | 0:29:08 | |
one you could only dream of gets a wedding licence. | 0:29:08 | 0:29:13 | |
-What are you talking about? -Has something happened with the Grosvenor? | 0:29:13 | 0:29:16 | |
What's going on? | 0:29:16 | 0:29:17 | |
Blindfolds off. | 0:29:19 | 0:29:21 | |
'If there was a lesson to be learned from the sinking of the Titanic, | 0:29:25 | 0:29:28 | |
'like something about bigger not always being better, | 0:29:28 | 0:29:32 | |
'Alex was studiously ignoring it.' | 0:29:32 | 0:29:35 | |
-ALEX LAUGHS -It's all yours. | 0:29:35 | 0:29:38 | |
(It's quite ridiculous. We're just going to say no. | 0:29:40 | 0:29:43 | |
(Yeah, it's too big. I know, don't worry.) | 0:29:43 | 0:29:46 | |
Come here, look at this. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:49 | |
The first couple to be married at Rostherne Hall. How does that sound? | 0:29:49 | 0:29:53 | |
Great. | 0:29:53 | 0:29:55 | |
-Tim? -Yeah. | 0:29:59 | 0:30:01 | |
-DISTANT: -We're in a bloody stately home! -I was there, I saw it. | 0:30:02 | 0:30:07 | |
Raif Moyle reporting here. | 0:30:07 | 0:30:10 | |
As I'm showing you everything that happened in the run-up to the wedding, | 0:30:10 | 0:30:13 | |
I think it's important that we document some of the "speed bumps" on the... | 0:30:13 | 0:30:18 | |
-path of the happy day. -We're discussing it. | 0:30:18 | 0:30:21 | |
It's a bit bloody late now. Two seconds later Mum comes over and you're like... | 0:30:21 | 0:30:25 | |
-"Oh, great. Fantastic!" -What am I supposed to do? | 0:30:25 | 0:30:27 | |
Say, "Shove it up your arse, your stately home"? No, I can't do that. | 0:30:27 | 0:30:32 | |
She's your mother, it makes her happy... | 0:30:32 | 0:30:34 | |
VOICES RECEDE | 0:30:34 | 0:30:37 | |
One day he'll look back on that... | 0:30:37 | 0:30:41 | |
and really laugh. | 0:30:41 | 0:30:44 | |
DOOR SLAMS | 0:30:44 | 0:30:46 | |
TANNOY: Next on the card is the 3:25 Rigid Box Haulage Stakes. | 0:30:50 | 0:30:54 | |
Classified race over seven furlongs... | 0:30:54 | 0:30:57 | |
FRANTIC COMMENTARY | 0:30:57 | 0:30:59 | |
Are you running? | 0:31:04 | 0:31:06 | |
Um...girls, I'm afraid there's been a change of venue for the wedding, | 0:31:06 | 0:31:10 | |
-so new invitations. -My God, they haven't double-booked? | 0:31:10 | 0:31:13 | |
-Not the Grosvenor, surely? -No, no. It's just that, um... | 0:31:13 | 0:31:16 | |
Somewhere else came up which had always been Saskia's favourite anyway. | 0:31:16 | 0:31:19 | |
-Oh, my God. -Oh, my God! -It's not a hassle, is it? | 0:31:19 | 0:31:22 | |
-Had you booked cabs? -Alex, it's Rostherne Hall. | 0:31:22 | 0:31:26 | |
Wow, it's Rostherne Hall! | 0:31:26 | 0:31:29 | |
How on earth did you manage to get that? | 0:31:29 | 0:31:31 | |
-Amazing. That's... -It's unheard of, actually. | 0:31:31 | 0:31:33 | |
-Wow. -Brilliant. -Brilliant. | 0:31:33 | 0:31:36 | |
Are you getting all this? Sorry, but if you don't take the first time then... | 0:31:36 | 0:31:40 | |
the reactions aren't so real. Thanks, Raif. | 0:31:40 | 0:31:43 | |
-It's outrageous. -Oh, it's fucking ridiculous. | 0:31:45 | 0:31:49 | |
-It's far too big. -But it's cold, Jacqui, that's the thing. | 0:31:49 | 0:31:53 | |
-She'll never heat it. -No, I know, it's wrong. | 0:31:53 | 0:31:56 | |
So, Des, how's the big speech coming along? | 0:31:57 | 0:32:01 | |
How's this for an opener? | 0:32:01 | 0:32:03 | |
"Ladies and gentlemen, | 0:32:03 | 0:32:06 | |
"most of you know I am not Saskia's biological father, | 0:32:06 | 0:32:11 | |
"but I like to think I am her non-biological one." | 0:32:11 | 0:32:15 | |
-Well, will that get a laugh? -Um... | 0:32:15 | 0:32:20 | |
-Bird cages. -Oh! -With real birds in them. -No... | 0:32:20 | 0:32:23 | |
And you dye the bird to match the cage. Or you can have a white one and a black... | 0:32:23 | 0:32:27 | |
I don't... I don't want birds. | 0:32:27 | 0:32:29 | |
-Darling, look... -Picture frames on twigs. | 0:32:29 | 0:32:32 | |
-Why? -Why? Why not? Why not? | 0:32:32 | 0:32:34 | |
..and the doctor said, "I can't see a parrot, madam, but I can tell you've had a cockatoo." | 0:32:36 | 0:32:40 | |
Inappropriate? | 0:32:40 | 0:32:42 | |
Um... | 0:32:42 | 0:32:44 | |
Wheatgrass. Just knock it back. Good for your teeth. | 0:32:44 | 0:32:48 | |
OK. | 0:32:52 | 0:32:54 | |
Just... | 0:32:54 | 0:32:56 | |
OK. | 0:33:00 | 0:33:02 | |
-Er, wheatgrass. -Mum, I... -Wheatgrass. Wheatgrass! | 0:33:05 | 0:33:08 | |
-Thank you, Jenna. -Jenna's being marvellous. | 0:33:08 | 0:33:10 | |
-Something with a horn. Thank you. -Stop it! | 0:33:10 | 0:33:15 | |
I'm going to be your mother-in-law in a week. | 0:33:15 | 0:33:18 | |
It's lovely. Feel that, you can just... | 0:33:28 | 0:33:31 | |
I think it could do with a coat of arms. An escutcheon thing with the family crest. | 0:33:31 | 0:33:36 | |
250? 300. | 0:33:36 | 0:33:39 | |
Oh, sorry. | 0:33:44 | 0:33:47 | |
Forget my head. All right? Oh, you got that down you? Good. | 0:33:47 | 0:33:50 | |
-Ta-da! -Oh, I think they're perfect. | 0:33:55 | 0:33:58 | |
No. I don't like it. | 0:33:58 | 0:34:00 | |
As you enter, the falcon flies the length of the church, | 0:34:07 | 0:34:11 | |
and delivers you the wedding rings. | 0:34:11 | 0:34:13 | |
All right? | 0:34:13 | 0:34:14 | |
Jenna, you're a genius. You are a genius. | 0:34:14 | 0:34:17 | |
We'll have that. Definitely. Fantastic. | 0:34:17 | 0:34:21 | |
I don't know what it is. It's part of the theme, isn't it? | 0:34:22 | 0:34:25 | |
What, birds of prey theme? OK. I must have missed that meeting, | 0:34:25 | 0:34:30 | |
we decided to have a predator-themed wedding. | 0:34:30 | 0:34:33 | |
-OK. I'll change it. -Were you at the meeting? | 0:34:33 | 0:34:35 | |
I'll tell them you're not happy with the falcons delivering the rings. | 0:34:35 | 0:34:38 | |
Let's have a couple of... penguins with them on trays. Yeah? | 0:34:38 | 0:34:42 | |
That's a nice idea. Yeah, thank you! | 0:34:42 | 0:34:45 | |
So, I was thinking we should film at the summerhouse. | 0:34:50 | 0:34:53 | |
Are you going to watch that? Is that why you're making it? | 0:34:53 | 0:34:56 | |
-It's a present for you. -Yeah? Well, stop it. OK? | 0:34:56 | 0:34:59 | |
Just put it down. If it's a present for me, then... | 0:34:59 | 0:35:01 | |
When somebody offers you a present, it is customary to accept. | 0:35:01 | 0:35:05 | |
There's actually a tribe in Eastern Siberia where... | 0:35:05 | 0:35:07 | |
Can you get the salsa, please? | 0:35:07 | 0:35:09 | |
-I don't think the camera's the problem. -I do, Raif. | 0:35:09 | 0:35:12 | |
-No, it's that you don't back up Saskia. -All right, I'll get it myself. | 0:35:12 | 0:35:16 | |
-You roll over to Alex all the time. -What?! | 0:35:16 | 0:35:18 | |
-Anything she says... -I haven't rolled over to anyone. | 0:35:18 | 0:35:21 | |
Don't be silly. If she told you you were having an underwater wedding, | 0:35:21 | 0:35:24 | |
-you'd be round there in a frog suit. -I want you to be there, | 0:35:24 | 0:35:27 | |
in the middle of this nightmare, helping me organise this wedding, | 0:35:27 | 0:35:30 | |
instead of just dicking around around the edges. | 0:35:30 | 0:35:32 | |
How dare you! I am not dicking around the edges. | 0:35:32 | 0:35:35 | |
I'm taking this as seriously as I've ever taken anything. | 0:35:35 | 0:35:38 | |
What the hell is this? | 0:35:38 | 0:35:41 | |
Right, yeah. Well... | 0:35:41 | 0:35:43 | |
I won a raffle at a wedding show. It seemed like a shame to waste it. | 0:35:43 | 0:35:47 | |
-You say no for the sake of saying no. -No. Mum. | 0:35:48 | 0:35:51 | |
You've always been like this. "No, I don't want braces." | 0:35:51 | 0:35:53 | |
-"No, I don't want to go to finishing school." -I didn't want braces! -But you've got to try things. | 0:35:53 | 0:35:58 | |
-Oh, I've got to try things? -Yes! -Well, I've never tried heroin, so... | 0:35:58 | 0:36:01 | |
-Could you stop filming, please? -Heroin, shall I try some? | 0:36:01 | 0:36:04 | |
-Probably not. -Mum. | 0:36:04 | 0:36:06 | |
-You want me to travel in a Rolls-Royce. -Yes. -Fine. | 0:36:06 | 0:36:09 | |
Then you change your mind. You want to travel in a Bentley. Fine! | 0:36:09 | 0:36:13 | |
Don't you want enchantment? Don't you want your day to... | 0:36:13 | 0:36:16 | |
-Don't you want it to be special? -Mum, are you taking heroin? | 0:36:16 | 0:36:19 | |
Because every time I tell you what I want, it's like you're not there! | 0:36:19 | 0:36:24 | |
Do not say that. | 0:36:24 | 0:36:26 | |
I'm not a monster. I'm a mother who wants her daughter's wedding day to be special. | 0:36:26 | 0:36:31 | |
I didn't like to say in front of your mother, but I think that horse had the horn! | 0:36:40 | 0:36:45 | |
You look like you could do with a drink. | 0:36:45 | 0:36:48 | |
We're there. There. | 0:36:50 | 0:36:51 | |
OK. Oh, crikey, I'm on now, am I? | 0:36:51 | 0:36:54 | |
Yes, you are officially part of our wedding video. | 0:36:54 | 0:36:56 | |
-Right. -Show him the ring, darling. -Oh, that's lovely. Congratulations. | 0:36:56 | 0:37:00 | |
-Thank you. -We're very happy. | 0:37:00 | 0:37:03 | |
Well done. So you're looking for wine for how many? | 0:37:03 | 0:37:07 | |
-How many? -600. -600, that's... -600? -Yeah. | 0:37:07 | 0:37:10 | |
-600? -Yeah, we're up to six now. | 0:37:10 | 0:37:14 | |
Right, 600. Right, OK, well, I'll just... | 0:37:14 | 0:37:16 | |
Sit down. I'll just get a little selection. | 0:37:16 | 0:37:19 | |
-A seat for the bride? -Thank you, my darling. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:21 | |
Don't mention it, my sweet. | 0:37:21 | 0:37:23 | |
Won't be long. Just make yourselves comfortable. 600? | 0:37:23 | 0:37:25 | |
-Six. Yes. -Our 600 guests, | 0:37:25 | 0:37:28 | |
who we shall now try all of the wine for. | 0:37:28 | 0:37:31 | |
Mmm. Mmmm! | 0:37:36 | 0:37:38 | |
-You do, you get the almonds just at the end. -It just nips in there. | 0:37:38 | 0:37:41 | |
The almond just nips in there. | 0:37:41 | 0:37:44 | |
I can taste liquorice. | 0:37:44 | 0:37:46 | |
And liquorice as well, yes. Well spotted. | 0:37:46 | 0:37:48 | |
-Do you have any others with liquorice? -I think... | 0:37:48 | 0:37:52 | |
Actually, yes. Hold tight. | 0:37:52 | 0:37:55 | |
Now we're in... | 0:37:55 | 0:37:57 | |
business. | 0:37:57 | 0:37:59 | |
Cheers. | 0:38:04 | 0:38:06 | |
-That's lovely. -I'm getting mango. | 0:38:08 | 0:38:11 | |
Are you? Mango? | 0:38:11 | 0:38:12 | |
But jasmine as well? Bit of jasmine in there? | 0:38:15 | 0:38:18 | |
CORK POPS | 0:38:18 | 0:38:20 | |
-Very moreish. -Yeah. | 0:38:20 | 0:38:22 | |
-Yeah? -Lovely, yes. Thank you. Now, this has a lovely, | 0:38:22 | 0:38:27 | |
herbaceous, | 0:38:27 | 0:38:29 | |
green aroma. | 0:38:29 | 0:38:31 | |
So we can compare them, let's get another of the... | 0:38:31 | 0:38:34 | |
-the, er, one, um... the one before. -The one... | 0:38:34 | 0:38:38 | |
Can you see the bottle opener anywhere? | 0:38:38 | 0:38:40 | |
-You're so funny, Andrew. You're so funny. -You two, I know. | 0:38:42 | 0:38:46 | |
-To happy happiness. -And plenty more where that came from. | 0:38:46 | 0:38:51 | |
SOBBING: You just see what you want to see, don't you? | 0:38:51 | 0:38:54 | |
You just bloody see what you want to see. | 0:38:54 | 0:38:57 | |
ANDREW MOANS AND JABBERS TUNE | 0:38:57 | 0:39:00 | |
So, do you want to hear the song that I've written? | 0:39:07 | 0:39:10 | |
Yeah. | 0:39:10 | 0:39:11 | |
# His name is Tim Your name is Saskia... | 0:39:13 | 0:39:18 | |
Well, is that... | 0:39:23 | 0:39:25 | |
-Is that it? -I can't remember what I did after that, to be honest. | 0:39:25 | 0:39:29 | |
I don't think I want my wedding song written by the "orgasm gun" guy. | 0:39:29 | 0:39:34 | |
'OK, just to clarify, at school Roger and I were in a band. | 0:39:34 | 0:39:39 | |
'I say band... We only had the one song.' | 0:39:39 | 0:39:42 | |
# Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun... # | 0:39:42 | 0:39:45 | |
'I say song... It was really just one line that we repeated over and over again, | 0:39:45 | 0:39:50 | |
'whilst everyone pretended to have an orgasm, | 0:39:50 | 0:39:52 | |
'which went down surprisingly poorly at the Christmas carol concert.' | 0:39:52 | 0:39:57 | |
-ALL: -# Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun | 0:39:57 | 0:40:00 | |
-# Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun... # -Sorry, what? Hello. What? | 0:40:04 | 0:40:08 | |
-Waaaaay! -What's going on? | 0:40:08 | 0:40:11 | |
-Where have you been? -What's going on? -We've got to eat. | 0:40:11 | 0:40:14 | |
We...we, we have to go and eat... to eat with the chef. | 0:40:14 | 0:40:17 | |
-Who gave her the spliff? You? -Er, hello? | 0:40:17 | 0:40:21 | |
-I'm still in the room. I can hear you. -Yeah, right you are. | 0:40:21 | 0:40:24 | |
Tim! | 0:40:24 | 0:40:26 | |
Don't laugh at him. | 0:40:26 | 0:40:28 | |
And you're just like, "Yeah, fine," to whatever she says. | 0:40:30 | 0:40:32 | |
-That is such a load of bollocks. -Yes, you are! | 0:40:32 | 0:40:35 | |
I've never heard such shit in my life. | 0:40:35 | 0:40:37 | |
-What did you do all day? -I wanted to go out. | 0:40:37 | 0:40:40 | |
-Raif was there. -Just been titting around with him. | 0:40:40 | 0:40:43 | |
She just needed a break from the wedding stuff. | 0:40:50 | 0:40:53 | |
Don't make this harder than it is already. | 0:40:53 | 0:40:56 | |
I see you've worked out the title of your autobiography then! | 0:40:56 | 0:41:00 | |
'Hiring Rostherne Hall attracted the attention | 0:41:03 | 0:41:06 | |
'of the local glossy magazine, | 0:41:06 | 0:41:08 | |
'which promptly made Tim and Saskia the stars of their Wedding of the Month feature. | 0:41:08 | 0:41:13 | |
'This required a photoshoot.' | 0:41:13 | 0:41:16 | |
Smile. Just remember you're in love. | 0:41:16 | 0:41:19 | |
And you have your whole lives together. | 0:41:19 | 0:41:23 | |
'Meanwhile, out on the terrace, | 0:41:23 | 0:41:25 | |
'Britain's next top model was getting ready to have her photo taken, too.' | 0:41:25 | 0:41:29 | |
This is my favourite view, | 0:41:29 | 0:41:31 | |
looking from the house down towards the lake. | 0:41:31 | 0:41:34 | |
-POSH MAN: -Just look this way, please. Lovely. | 0:41:34 | 0:41:37 | |
And again. | 0:41:37 | 0:41:39 | |
Oh, that's nice. | 0:41:40 | 0:41:41 | |
'With Patricia in such an excellent mood, | 0:41:41 | 0:41:44 | |
'I thought I'd ask some burning questions.' | 0:41:44 | 0:41:46 | |
So, Patricia, it must have been a very different family before Alex met Des? | 0:41:46 | 0:41:51 | |
Not much money around. Was it... | 0:41:51 | 0:41:54 | |
I'm assuming Alex and Saskia's dad must have separated? | 0:41:54 | 0:41:59 | |
Probably about 2O minutes after conception. | 0:41:59 | 0:42:03 | |
Right. Might be hard to track him down for an interview, then. | 0:42:03 | 0:42:08 | |
Well, you could stand on the Eiffel Tower, | 0:42:08 | 0:42:10 | |
and shout out, "Has anyone had sex with a waitress on holiday?" | 0:42:10 | 0:42:15 | |
But being in France I don't suppose many hands would stay down, would they? | 0:42:15 | 0:42:20 | |
And then she says, "But being France, I doubt many hands..." | 0:42:22 | 0:42:26 | |
-If you could try to... -Here we are. | 0:42:26 | 0:42:28 | |
Here is the groom. And the best man. | 0:42:28 | 0:42:31 | |
This is Luke from Exclusive Videos, who's going to be shooting the wedding video, | 0:42:31 | 0:42:35 | |
so the pressure's off you, Raif. | 0:42:35 | 0:42:37 | |
You can focus on your main job now. | 0:42:37 | 0:42:41 | |
Raif? | 0:42:41 | 0:42:42 | |
You can focus on being best man. | 0:42:42 | 0:42:45 | |
This one was shot by the third Lord Rostherne, in Kenya I think. | 0:42:48 | 0:42:52 | |
Early 1800s. Magnificent beast. | 0:42:52 | 0:42:56 | |
'I could let Alex have her official version of events, | 0:42:56 | 0:42:59 | |
'but I decided I was going to keep filming as well. Undercover.' | 0:42:59 | 0:43:04 | |
Really! | 0:43:04 | 0:43:06 | |
Anyway, these ones were in West Africa. Chased them for days. | 0:43:06 | 0:43:11 | |
Very rare breed. Almost extinct. Terrible trouble hunting them down. | 0:43:11 | 0:43:14 | |
And round here, a special one. Very special. | 0:43:14 | 0:43:16 | |
The jewel in the crown. | 0:43:16 | 0:43:20 | |
This was the one the third Lord was most proud of. | 0:43:20 | 0:43:24 | |
-You don't see many of these. -No, I can imagine. | 0:43:24 | 0:43:27 | |
Couldn't stuff the whole thing. The rest we made into cushions. | 0:43:27 | 0:43:31 | |
RAIF LAUGHS | 0:43:31 | 0:43:33 | |
-IN POSH ACCENT: -Saturday afternoon, 1978, Chester Zoo. | 0:43:35 | 0:43:40 | |
Very difficult shot. Children everywhere. | 0:43:40 | 0:43:44 | |
Ah, now, these magnificent specimens, | 0:43:44 | 0:43:49 | |
for me they sum up what was really great about this country. | 0:43:49 | 0:43:52 | |
They're a constant reminder | 0:43:52 | 0:43:55 | |
that the English were never afraid to shoot a grazing herbivore right up the arse, | 0:43:55 | 0:44:00 | |
from behind a wall of Nigerians. | 0:44:00 | 0:44:02 | |
SHE GUFFAWS | 0:44:02 | 0:44:05 | |
And...this is my favourite. I actually stuffed him myself. | 0:44:08 | 0:44:12 | |
But it was too rainy to go hunting, | 0:44:12 | 0:44:16 | |
so we bought him from a pet shop, | 0:44:16 | 0:44:18 | |
took him home, kicked him down the stairs. | 0:44:18 | 0:44:21 | |
I say, bam-bam old girl, what's through here? | 0:44:21 | 0:44:25 | |
Er... | 0:44:25 | 0:44:27 | |
The fourth Lord, who married into the Marquillage family, | 0:44:27 | 0:44:31 | |
and, finally, the fifth Lord. | 0:44:31 | 0:44:35 | |
My late husband. | 0:44:35 | 0:44:38 | |
Oh, look. Here he is. | 0:44:38 | 0:44:42 | |
Harold, you've lost weight. Have they not been feeding you? | 0:44:42 | 0:44:48 | |
Sas, grab the camera. | 0:44:48 | 0:44:50 | |
He was wonderful. Very kind. Very sensitive. | 0:44:51 | 0:44:55 | |
Very Christian man. | 0:44:55 | 0:44:58 | |
I still feel his presence everywhere in this house. | 0:44:58 | 0:45:03 | |
Hello. Lord Rostherne here. | 0:45:03 | 0:45:05 | |
Just reliving some of my favourite moments from out on safari. | 0:45:05 | 0:45:09 | |
Out on the savanna once, some chap told me you can't call yourself a real hunter, | 0:45:09 | 0:45:13 | |
till you've popped the old chap in a tiger's mouth. | 0:45:13 | 0:45:16 | |
I said, "Sir, if you'd met Lady Rostherne you'd know..." | 0:45:16 | 0:45:20 | |
-This is my bedroom. -..that's a blessed relief... | 0:45:20 | 0:45:23 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:45:26 | 0:45:29 | |
-WHISPERING: -Hi, this is Saskia. | 0:45:35 | 0:45:37 | |
I am reporting on a camera which has just been confiscated, | 0:45:37 | 0:45:41 | |
by my mother from Raif, | 0:45:41 | 0:45:45 | |
who is currently in there getting a major bollocking... | 0:45:45 | 0:45:49 | |
What's he done? What did he do? | 0:45:49 | 0:45:53 | |
Oh, no, it's fine. We were just... | 0:45:53 | 0:45:56 | |
-We were in the private rooms and... -We? | 0:45:56 | 0:46:00 | |
Why are you treating this like it's a laugh? | 0:46:04 | 0:46:06 | |
This is a wedding, Saskia. This is not a laugh, this is a wedding. | 0:46:06 | 0:46:09 | |
And it's close and it's getting closer and you treating it like it's some fucking party, | 0:46:09 | 0:46:15 | |
is not going to help us get through this! | 0:46:15 | 0:46:17 | |
SHE GASPS | 0:46:27 | 0:46:29 | |
It's still here. | 0:46:29 | 0:46:31 | |
This is a site of immense historical importance. | 0:46:32 | 0:46:36 | |
Anyone who bunked off Roton High ended up down here drinking beer. | 0:46:36 | 0:46:40 | |
And this is where Raif is going to meet me if he wants his camera back. | 0:46:40 | 0:46:44 | |
Good day, Lord Rostherne! | 0:46:47 | 0:46:49 | |
My good Lady Rostherne, how are you? | 0:46:49 | 0:46:52 | |
-Old Glory! -Oh, my God. | 0:46:54 | 0:46:57 | |
-57 pence. -Old Glory. | 0:46:57 | 0:46:59 | |
-Yes. -God, they still make it. | 0:46:59 | 0:47:02 | |
-I hope they still make it. -Wow. -This may be from the batch he still had the last time I went in there. | 0:47:02 | 0:47:08 | |
I think mine's got hairs floating in it. I can't drink this. | 0:47:08 | 0:47:11 | |
I've got a wedding dress fitting this afternoon. | 0:47:11 | 0:47:14 | |
-Definitely don't drink that. -I'm supposed to be drinking wheat grass. | 0:47:14 | 0:47:17 | |
-Enjoy that. -Let me have a taste, one taste. | 0:47:17 | 0:47:20 | |
-And it's just as... -Wow. | 0:47:22 | 0:47:25 | |
-..revolting as I remember. -That will put hairs on your hairs. | 0:47:25 | 0:47:29 | |
-How did you end up in Lucerne? -It was Gran's idea. | 0:47:33 | 0:47:37 | |
European college to help prepare for society. | 0:47:37 | 0:47:41 | |
Like university? | 0:47:41 | 0:47:43 | |
Er, one of the lessons was how to listen to a conversation. | 0:47:43 | 0:47:47 | |
You're kidding. | 0:47:47 | 0:47:49 | |
-How long did you last? -Six days. | 0:47:49 | 0:47:51 | |
-Wow. -Got chucked out during | 0:47:51 | 0:47:53 | |
"How to get out of a sports car without flashing your knickers". | 0:47:53 | 0:47:56 | |
I wasn't wearing any. I was. | 0:47:56 | 0:47:58 | |
-Things went downhill from there. -How? | 0:47:58 | 0:48:01 | |
-Well, basically just more and more debts. -Go on. | 0:48:06 | 0:48:11 | |
-There was a hire car driven into a lake. -Wow. | 0:48:11 | 0:48:15 | |
There was an affair with the bloke who took the stitches out. | 0:48:15 | 0:48:18 | |
He was lovely. | 0:48:18 | 0:48:19 | |
Then I had a fight with his wife. | 0:48:19 | 0:48:22 | |
I got in with this biker gang. I mean, | 0:48:22 | 0:48:25 | |
it was incredible and just the loveliest guys. | 0:48:25 | 0:48:28 | |
Um, but... | 0:48:28 | 0:48:31 | |
turned out they were basically using me as a drugs mule. | 0:48:31 | 0:48:35 | |
I realised I had spiked my own drink. | 0:48:36 | 0:48:41 | |
The bloke that had his tooth removed, he's suing me | 0:48:41 | 0:48:43 | |
because it turns out he's a flautist. | 0:48:43 | 0:48:46 | |
RAIF LAUGHS | 0:48:46 | 0:48:48 | |
-She set my ponytail on fire. -No! -And the rest of the bar. It was awful. | 0:48:48 | 0:48:53 | |
I had to leave Italy after that. | 0:48:53 | 0:48:56 | |
My mum and Des had to fly out while I'm in hospital, | 0:48:56 | 0:48:59 | |
waiting till I'm fit enough to stand bail. Oh, my God. | 0:48:59 | 0:49:03 | |
And that's when Saskia Dutton became Saskia Critchley. | 0:49:05 | 0:49:09 | |
Right. Come on, come with me. | 0:49:13 | 0:49:16 | |
Where are we going? Raif. | 0:49:18 | 0:49:22 | |
This is the summerhouse. Mum and Dad bought it when we were small. | 0:49:22 | 0:49:27 | |
Oh, look. | 0:49:27 | 0:49:29 | |
You can imagine coming here when you were a kid. | 0:49:29 | 0:49:31 | |
Swallows And Amazons and The Famous Five all rolled into one. | 0:49:31 | 0:49:35 | |
So peaceful. | 0:49:36 | 0:49:38 | |
-HOOTER BLARES -What the...? | 0:49:38 | 0:49:39 | |
TANNOY: 'The River Dee was a vital watercourse...' | 0:49:39 | 0:49:42 | |
Oh, that's new. 'It rises in the hills in Llanuwchllyn...' | 0:49:42 | 0:49:45 | |
Oh, bloody hell. | 0:49:45 | 0:49:47 | |
Cheap lock. | 0:49:48 | 0:49:50 | |
Wow. | 0:49:55 | 0:49:57 | |
This is... | 0:49:59 | 0:50:00 | |
Look at this. | 0:50:04 | 0:50:06 | |
They always said they'd see the world, Mum and Dad. | 0:50:14 | 0:50:19 | |
So when they died, me and Tim decided we'd do the trip for them. | 0:50:19 | 0:50:24 | |
Sold the house. | 0:50:24 | 0:50:26 | |
Bought the tickets. Head to Patagonia where they were. | 0:50:27 | 0:50:31 | |
Are. | 0:50:33 | 0:50:34 | |
I made it but... | 0:50:38 | 0:50:40 | |
Tim didn't. | 0:50:40 | 0:50:42 | |
Because he met you. | 0:50:42 | 0:50:43 | |
No, not like that. No. | 0:50:45 | 0:50:47 | |
No, I... He should have stayed. | 0:50:47 | 0:50:50 | |
Well... | 0:50:50 | 0:50:51 | |
They'd have really liked you. | 0:50:56 | 0:50:58 | |
Thank you. | 0:51:00 | 0:51:02 | |
See if you can hit that stick. | 0:51:11 | 0:51:13 | |
-Rubbish. -Shit. | 0:51:16 | 0:51:18 | |
This is THE tree. | 0:51:19 | 0:51:22 | |
Tim could never climb it but yours truly is basically Spider-Man. | 0:51:22 | 0:51:25 | |
-Wow. Go on, then. Go on. -Uh? | 0:51:25 | 0:51:27 | |
Go on. | 0:51:27 | 0:51:28 | |
Thank you. That's nice. | 0:51:32 | 0:51:34 | |
-Um... -You all right? | 0:51:34 | 0:51:36 | |
Not really. | 0:51:36 | 0:51:37 | |
-Little help? -Yeah. OK. | 0:51:39 | 0:51:42 | |
-Fuck. -Oh, my God. | 0:51:43 | 0:51:46 | |
I wanted them to be like footprints of all my travels. So, | 0:51:46 | 0:51:51 | |
I got that in Tijuana, cool snake. | 0:51:51 | 0:51:55 | |
They say never fall in love with a stripper, but that's California. | 0:51:55 | 0:51:59 | |
Hello, Jeanie. | 0:51:59 | 0:52:01 | |
Monkeys fighting robots. That's, well, Tokyo, obviously. | 0:52:01 | 0:52:05 | |
And then up here on my chest I got this Maori guy to design, | 0:52:05 | 0:52:08 | |
it was beautiful, my mum and dad's birth signs. | 0:52:08 | 0:52:12 | |
-Oh! -Yeah. Except it went septic so, | 0:52:12 | 0:52:15 | |
I went to Dagenham and this bloke covered it | 0:52:15 | 0:52:17 | |
with a massive fucking dragon. | 0:52:17 | 0:52:19 | |
-Oh, my God. -Sweet, right. | 0:52:19 | 0:52:22 | |
HOOTER BLARES | 0:52:22 | 0:52:24 | |
'The River Dee was a vital watercourse for the Romans.' | 0:52:24 | 0:52:26 | |
Um, yeah. Turn that off. | 0:52:26 | 0:52:30 | |
Seriously. Turn that off. | 0:52:30 | 0:52:32 | |
And on your left you'll see the native tribes people of this area. | 0:52:34 | 0:52:38 | |
SCREAMING | 0:52:38 | 0:52:39 | |
RAIF GRUNTS AND YELLS | 0:52:39 | 0:52:40 | |
SASKIA LAUGHS | 0:52:52 | 0:52:54 | |
Rog. | 0:52:54 | 0:52:56 | |
Gina Palladia, Foregate Street. | 0:52:56 | 0:52:59 | |
We're going to do a special shot. | 0:52:59 | 0:53:02 | |
-SASKIA CHUCKLES -Bring your guitar. | 0:53:02 | 0:53:03 | |
-OK, cue music, Rog. -ROG PLAYS FLAMENCO | 0:53:05 | 0:53:07 | |
And here comes the bride! | 0:53:07 | 0:53:10 | |
Cock. | 0:53:12 | 0:53:14 | |
-What? -That's what the models say. Pout, cock. | 0:53:14 | 0:53:17 | |
-Pout. Cock. Cock. -Cock? | 0:53:17 | 0:53:20 | |
Right. Give me tigress. | 0:53:20 | 0:53:23 | |
RAIF LAUGHS | 0:53:23 | 0:53:24 | |
Ninja. | 0:53:26 | 0:53:28 | |
Er, OK, dance for me. My flamenco beauty! You must dance! | 0:53:31 | 0:53:37 | |
SASKIA SQUEALS | 0:53:37 | 0:53:38 | |
GUITAR STOPS | 0:53:38 | 0:53:39 | |
RAIF LAUGHS | 0:53:39 | 0:53:41 | |
RAIF'S LAUGHTER SUBSIDES | 0:53:49 | 0:53:51 | |
Sas? | 0:53:51 | 0:53:52 | |
SHE SOBS | 0:53:52 | 0:53:54 | |
Saskia? | 0:53:54 | 0:53:56 | |
Saskia? | 0:53:57 | 0:53:59 | |
Sas... | 0:53:59 | 0:54:01 | |
ROG: Raif! Raif! | 0:54:03 | 0:54:06 | |
Sas! Saskia! | 0:54:06 | 0:54:08 | |
Raif! What do I do? Do you want me to keep filming? | 0:54:08 | 0:54:12 | |
Sorry, mate, sorry. There you go. Sas! | 0:54:12 | 0:54:15 | |
-Raif! -Please come back, Saskia! | 0:54:15 | 0:54:17 | |
-Saskia! -Well, what do I do? | 0:54:17 | 0:54:21 | |
Raif! | 0:54:22 | 0:54:24 | |
Bingo. | 0:54:24 | 0:54:26 | |
Can I just say the thing that anybody would say to a woman two days before her wedding... | 0:54:33 | 0:54:37 | |
I'm not nervous. | 0:54:37 | 0:54:39 | |
All right. | 0:54:39 | 0:54:41 | |
Well, Doctor Raif's in session. Taking patients. Ding. | 0:54:41 | 0:54:46 | |
Come on. | 0:54:47 | 0:54:49 | |
I'm very compassionate. | 0:54:49 | 0:54:51 | |
Compassion's nature's way of helping ugly men find partners, so... | 0:54:51 | 0:54:55 | |
I'm unhappy - OK? | 0:55:02 | 0:55:05 | |
And it's dark. | 0:55:06 | 0:55:09 | |
Like, imagine the darkest colour you can imagine. | 0:55:09 | 0:55:12 | |
Like black but even darker. | 0:55:12 | 0:55:15 | |
Well, it's like this sticky, dark oil has been... | 0:55:15 | 0:55:21 | |
poured into my heart and it hurts. | 0:55:21 | 0:55:24 | |
And it's just this big black, smoker's lung of... | 0:55:24 | 0:55:30 | |
unhappiness just dripping with... | 0:55:30 | 0:55:34 | |
blackness. | 0:55:34 | 0:55:36 | |
Fuck. | 0:55:38 | 0:55:39 | |
Year 11. You bunked off halfway through cross country. Got on a bus, | 0:55:48 | 0:55:53 | |
just so you could see the Chemical Brothers check out of a hotel. | 0:55:53 | 0:55:57 | |
April that same year, the week Kurt Cobain died, | 0:55:57 | 0:56:00 | |
you asked if you could read in assembly, | 0:56:00 | 0:56:03 | |
but you didn't read from the Bible, you read out Nirvana, | 0:56:03 | 0:56:06 | |
even when they tried to drag you away. | 0:56:06 | 0:56:08 | |
Sports Day, you pierced your ear and it bled | 0:56:11 | 0:56:13 | |
and you cried for an hour, | 0:56:13 | 0:56:16 | |
and the little kid in the year below you, | 0:56:16 | 0:56:18 | |
bought you some ice cubes and you smiled at him. | 0:56:18 | 0:56:22 | |
And that smile stopped his heart. | 0:56:22 | 0:56:24 | |
And I'll never forget that smile. | 0:56:26 | 0:56:28 | |
-Oh... -So any time you feel less than fantastic, | 0:56:29 | 0:56:32 | |
you remember, you're Saskia Dutton, Saskia Dutton. | 0:56:32 | 0:56:36 | |
Sorry. | 0:57:02 | 0:57:04 | |
Whoa. | 0:57:07 | 0:57:08 | |
OK. | 0:57:12 | 0:57:13 | |
They didn't? | 0:57:15 | 0:57:16 | |
Oh, they didn't. Please tell me they didn't. | 0:57:18 | 0:57:21 | |
So has someone seen them? | 0:57:23 | 0:57:27 | |
Someone definitely knows? | 0:57:27 | 0:57:28 | |
Oh, great. | 0:57:30 | 0:57:32 | |
Something wrong? | 0:57:32 | 0:57:34 | |
The Koreans who were going to do foot massage in the toilets just got deported. | 0:57:36 | 0:57:41 | |
-ROG: -Hey, Raif. | 0:57:44 | 0:57:46 | |
What are you going to do about this? Hmm? | 0:57:46 | 0:57:50 | |
-Please tell me you're going to tell him. -Rog, turn the camera off. | 0:57:50 | 0:57:53 | |
-No chance. This scene is far too... -Give me the camera. | 0:57:53 | 0:57:56 | |
Hey. Old Cheshire Glory. It's his favourite. Took me ages to find it. | 0:57:56 | 0:58:02 | |
Apparently they've stopped making it. It killed too many tramps. | 0:58:02 | 0:58:04 | |
-Raif's got something to say. -No, no. Listen, that should be me. | 0:58:04 | 0:58:08 | |
Look, I just want to say... No, no, no, I'm sorry, | 0:58:08 | 0:58:11 | |
for being arsey and stroppy, you know, with everyone. | 0:58:11 | 0:58:15 | |
It's just the wedding and the whole... | 0:58:15 | 0:58:18 | |
I took myself to one side and I gave myself a very stern talking to, | 0:58:18 | 0:58:22 | |
and you know what? Everything's fine. | 0:58:22 | 0:58:26 | |
You know, I'm fine, the wedding's all fine, | 0:58:26 | 0:58:29 | |
because I know, I'm doing the right thing. Aren't I? | 0:58:29 | 0:58:35 | |
And Saskia's all right. I mean, you'd know. | 0:58:35 | 0:58:37 | |
-He's a much better judge of women. -Yeah... Saskia isn't... | 0:58:37 | 0:58:40 | |
Leicester. You asked me what town she was and I said Leicester. | 0:58:40 | 0:58:44 | |
She's not Leicester. She's... | 0:58:48 | 0:58:50 | |
Rio and Mardi Gras and Amsterdam and... | 0:58:50 | 0:58:54 | |
-Barcelona in the rain. -I've never been to any of those places. | 0:58:54 | 0:58:58 | |
You don't have to now, you're marrying Saskia Dutton. | 0:58:58 | 0:59:02 | |
The world comes to you. | 0:59:02 | 0:59:04 | |
The Moyle brothers. All for one and one for all. | 0:59:08 | 0:59:11 | |
# Your woman is your angel | 0:59:25 | 0:59:28 | |
# Is your left side Your whole life | 0:59:28 | 0:59:32 | |
# And easily the most beautiful thing in your world | 0:59:32 | 0:59:38 | |
# She'll soothe you Accuse you | 0:59:40 | 0:59:44 | |
# Confuse you She'll lose you | 0:59:44 | 0:59:48 | |
# But always be the best friend you have in the world | 0:59:48 | 0:59:54 | |
# Time and space | 0:59:57 | 1:00:01 | |
# Things in their place | 1:00:01 | 1:00:04 | |
# I know it's more than a feeling | 1:00:04 | 1:00:08 | |
# Cos my love it has no ceiling for you. # | 1:00:08 | 1:00:16 | |
-Raif? -Hey. | 1:00:16 | 1:00:18 | |
Oh. Hi, hey. Um... | 1:00:18 | 1:00:22 | |
I just wanted to say everything's fine. | 1:00:23 | 1:00:25 | |
Oh. | 1:00:25 | 1:00:27 | |
It's funny, I was just thinking how fine everything was. So... | 1:00:27 | 1:00:32 | |
Good. Um, well... | 1:00:32 | 1:00:34 | |
-that's what I came to... -Say. And what I was just thinking. | 1:00:34 | 1:00:39 | |
Um, good. | 1:00:39 | 1:00:41 | |
Obviously a bit... | 1:00:43 | 1:00:45 | |
weird, but, um... | 1:00:45 | 1:00:48 | |
-it happens. -Oh, all the time. | 1:00:48 | 1:00:50 | |
-Happened to me once on a ferry, which... -What? | 1:00:50 | 1:00:54 | |
-What are you...? -I don't know. | 1:00:54 | 1:00:58 | |
-What were you saying? -How, in the kebab shop when I... | 1:01:01 | 1:01:05 | |
-Yeah. No, done. Erased. Don't worry. -No, um... | 1:01:05 | 1:01:10 | |
No, I mean that there...obviously, there are things to, um... | 1:01:10 | 1:01:17 | |
to address um... | 1:01:17 | 1:01:24 | |
-for me and Tim, not... -Oh. No, look... | 1:01:24 | 1:01:26 | |
-..and this is not the time. -Just get this wedding out of the way. | 1:01:26 | 1:01:29 | |
And then sort out the marriage after. I mean, you don't have to sort it out. | 1:01:29 | 1:01:33 | |
-No, no, er, yeah...it's OK. -You've got two days till the wedding. | 1:01:33 | 1:01:37 | |
-You've seen the schedule, so... -Oh, God, bloody Jenna. She's... | 1:01:37 | 1:01:42 | |
Cool. So... | 1:01:45 | 1:01:48 | |
I guess I will see you then. So... | 1:01:48 | 1:01:53 | |
As long as you're fine. | 1:01:55 | 1:01:57 | |
-Oh, yeah, I'm fine. -Right. | 1:01:57 | 1:02:02 | |
DOOR SHUTS | 1:02:06 | 1:02:07 | |
-You all right? -Yeah. | 1:02:10 | 1:02:13 | |
So, have you...organised anything? | 1:02:15 | 1:02:18 | |
Well, I just thought you'd prefer, you know... | 1:02:19 | 1:02:22 | |
Well, it's just as well I booked a stripper. | 1:02:24 | 1:02:27 | |
-What? -What? | 1:02:27 | 1:02:30 | |
We went through this. I said Tim's not going to want that sort of thing. | 1:02:30 | 1:02:33 | |
Come on, mate... | 1:02:33 | 1:02:35 | |
Tim Moyle? | 1:02:35 | 1:02:37 | |
You've been a very naughty boy. | 1:02:37 | 1:02:39 | |
-For fuck's sake. -It's fine, Raif, calm down. | 1:02:41 | 1:02:44 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 1:02:44 | 1:02:46 | |
You've been a very naughty boy. | 1:02:46 | 1:02:49 | |
And you know how we punish... | 1:02:49 | 1:02:52 | |
PHONE RINGS | 1:02:52 | 1:02:53 | |
Sorry, I've gotta take this. | 1:02:55 | 1:02:57 | |
Dave, just wait till I get home. | 1:02:59 | 1:03:02 | |
Sorry. | 1:03:02 | 1:03:03 | |
Oh, you naughty boy. | 1:03:05 | 1:03:08 | |
I'm going to have to take you into custody... | 1:03:10 | 1:03:13 | |
PHONE RINGS | 1:03:13 | 1:03:14 | |
Sorry. | 1:03:15 | 1:03:17 | |
Dave, I said just wait till I get home. | 1:03:20 | 1:03:23 | |
Why is my job suddenly a problem? | 1:03:25 | 1:03:27 | |
You know why I'm doing it. | 1:03:30 | 1:03:33 | |
You know! Don't you think I feel dirty? | 1:03:33 | 1:03:36 | |
-Don't you think I feel used? -Thanks for this, Rog. | 1:03:37 | 1:03:41 | |
Come on. It's my fault he's like this. | 1:03:41 | 1:03:44 | |
Mate, I'm fine. Completely fine, don't worry. Drink! | 1:03:45 | 1:03:48 | |
Here we go. Internet. Ultimate stag night challenge list. | 1:03:50 | 1:03:53 | |
-No, no. Give it here. -Yes. | 1:03:53 | 1:03:56 | |
Rog! We're not doing some dopey bunch of challenge... | 1:03:56 | 1:04:00 | |
Number one. Three shots in three seconds. | 1:04:00 | 1:04:03 | |
Go. | 1:04:04 | 1:04:05 | |
Number two. Join another stag party. | 1:04:11 | 1:04:13 | |
That's interesting, cos actually we thought of using those caterers. | 1:04:13 | 1:04:19 | |
Three and four, combined. | 1:04:19 | 1:04:20 | |
OK, skip that one. What's next? | 1:04:24 | 1:04:27 | |
Oi, you! You been chatting up my bird? | 1:04:27 | 1:04:30 | |
Number six, kiss a policewoman. | 1:04:30 | 1:04:33 | |
Seven, join a hen night. | 1:04:36 | 1:04:38 | |
Ow! | 1:04:38 | 1:04:39 | |
Don't do that! | 1:04:39 | 1:04:42 | |
No, sorry, ladies. Yeah. | 1:04:42 | 1:04:45 | |
I didn't like that. | 1:04:45 | 1:04:47 | |
Number nine. | 1:04:47 | 1:04:49 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 1:04:54 | 1:04:55 | |
-No. -It's a big candle. | 1:05:00 | 1:05:02 | |
No, this is wrong. | 1:05:02 | 1:05:04 | |
-You again? -We're collecting for charity. | 1:05:04 | 1:05:07 | |
I've already told you to bugger off once today. Yeah, you keep running. | 1:05:07 | 1:05:11 | |
And who the fuck are you? Go on, bugger off, the lot of you. | 1:05:11 | 1:05:15 | |
RAIF CHUCKLES | 1:05:15 | 1:05:16 | |
RAIF CLEARS HIS THROAT | 1:05:16 | 1:05:17 | |
MUSIC: Air On A G String by Bach | 1:05:19 | 1:05:21 | |
So, it's the big day. Are you feeling nervous? | 1:05:29 | 1:05:31 | |
Er, well, yes, of course I'm nervous. Morning of the wedding. | 1:05:31 | 1:05:35 | |
But the skill of the planner is to remain a pool of calm. | 1:05:35 | 1:05:39 | |
-And how do you manage that? -Well, I Can't remember what they're called, | 1:05:39 | 1:05:42 | |
but it's fine as long as you don't mix them with alcohol. | 1:05:42 | 1:05:45 | |
Mrs Critchley, how are you feeling? | 1:05:45 | 1:05:47 | |
Well, this is the big day. The day we've all been building up towards. | 1:05:47 | 1:05:52 | |
And we're suitably nervous. | 1:05:52 | 1:05:54 | |
Champagne at the ready. Excuse the curlers. | 1:05:54 | 1:05:58 | |
Fridges for ice sculptures on your left. Chocolate sculptures on your right. | 1:05:58 | 1:06:01 | |
Not now. Thank you. | 1:06:01 | 1:06:03 | |
Italian princess kind of look. Lovely, loose flowing curls. | 1:06:03 | 1:06:06 | |
Where the hell are my falcons? Round the table. | 1:06:06 | 1:06:09 | |
-Good. -Thank you. | 1:06:09 | 1:06:10 | |
Can you get my hat from the bathroom and my bag, please? | 1:06:10 | 1:06:14 | |
Thank you very much. Hat. Thanks. Absolute frenzy. | 1:06:14 | 1:06:18 | |
Wonder if it's anything like this at Tim's house? | 1:06:18 | 1:06:20 | |
TIM SNORES | 1:06:22 | 1:06:23 | |
-ROG: -Oh, good God. Tim? Tim, wake up. | 1:06:23 | 1:06:28 | |
It's morning, it's ten o'clock. | 1:06:28 | 1:06:31 | |
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my... | 1:06:31 | 1:06:35 | |
Raif, it's ten o'clock. Raif... | 1:06:35 | 1:06:37 | |
What the fuck am I wearing? | 1:06:39 | 1:06:42 | |
Raif? Raif? | 1:06:42 | 1:06:44 | |
Raif, it's my wedding day! Gotta get up, help me out of this. | 1:06:44 | 1:06:49 | |
-Help me, Ralf. -No, stay still, stay still. | 1:06:49 | 1:06:51 | |
-Help me out. There's a zip. -All right, all right. | 1:06:51 | 1:06:54 | |
I can't go to the wedding dressed like a cock. | 1:06:54 | 1:06:57 | |
Oh, goodness me. I'm getting nervous now. | 1:06:57 | 1:07:00 | |
Raif, don't finish that. | 1:07:06 | 1:07:08 | |
Sorry. | 1:07:09 | 1:07:10 | |
Put this on. Put this on. | 1:07:12 | 1:07:14 | |
50 minutes. 50 minutes till I get married. | 1:07:14 | 1:07:16 | |
Phone. Shoes! 50 minutes till I get married. | 1:07:16 | 1:07:19 | |
-WOMAN: -It's got to feel rock solid. No, it needs to be further forward. | 1:07:22 | 1:07:25 | |
OK, is the best man's speech written down'? I need to see it. | 1:07:25 | 1:07:29 | |
Not to interfere, but just to check the language. | 1:07:29 | 1:07:31 | |
Alex says no jokes about Europeans, | 1:07:31 | 1:07:33 | |
because the Belgian Ambassador's going to be there. And also... | 1:07:33 | 1:07:36 | |
OK, out we get. As the guests approach, you smile. | 1:07:36 | 1:07:40 | |
And then you strew flowers. OK? Strewing, strewing... | 1:07:40 | 1:07:43 | |
It's important you remember the names of the ushers. Toby, Fraser and Uri. | 1:07:43 | 1:07:46 | |
He's the Ambassador's son. They need to know it's their job to marshal everyone for the photograph, | 1:07:46 | 1:07:50 | |
because the photographer says... SEATBELT ALARM PINGS | 1:07:50 | 1:07:52 | |
Sorry, what's happening? Has a tyre blown out? Have we got a spare? | 1:07:52 | 1:07:56 | |
-Where are you going? -What's that noise? | 1:07:56 | 1:07:59 | |
Oh, no, you're not going to be sick. Don't be sick on the suit. OK? Just don't be sick on the... | 1:07:59 | 1:08:03 | |
-I have to tell you something. -No, you don't, get back in the car. | 1:08:03 | 1:08:06 | |
-I have to confess. -About what? | 1:08:06 | 1:08:08 | |
About me and Saskia. | 1:08:08 | 1:08:10 | |
Right. Ten minutes. | 1:08:14 | 1:08:16 | |
-So, I'll go in the first car with your gran, OK? -Mum. | 1:08:16 | 1:08:20 | |
Don't. | 1:08:20 | 1:08:21 | |
-What? -I know what you're going to say. | 1:08:21 | 1:08:24 | |
You do? | 1:08:24 | 1:08:26 | |
And, believe me, seeing you walk down the aisle with the man you love, | 1:08:26 | 1:08:30 | |
that'll be thanks enough for me. | 1:08:30 | 1:08:32 | |
-Wish me luck. -Good luck. Good luck. | 1:08:35 | 1:08:38 | |
-No, get off. -You shit, you total... | 1:08:43 | 1:08:45 | |
What are you doing? | 1:08:45 | 1:08:48 | |
-Come on, get them apart. -All right. | 1:08:50 | 1:08:54 | |
Just calm down, yeah. | 1:08:54 | 1:08:56 | |
MAN: 'Limo one is code green. Limo one code green. | 1:08:59 | 1:09:02 | |
'Champagne to zone four. Cue aerial display. Go, go, go, go!' | 1:09:02 | 1:09:08 | |
PLANES ROAR OVERHEAD | 1:09:08 | 1:09:09 | |
Oh, look, Mother. | 1:09:09 | 1:09:11 | |
She kissed you? | 1:09:18 | 1:09:21 | |
Why? | 1:09:24 | 1:09:26 | |
-We were in the kebab shop and... -She kissed you in a kebab shop? | 1:09:26 | 1:09:29 | |
It's because she's unhappy, Tim. That's why. | 1:09:32 | 1:09:35 | |
You know... | 1:09:35 | 1:09:37 | |
And I don't think you're very happy, either. | 1:09:41 | 1:09:44 | |
-And I think you should admit that. -I'm fine. I told you. | 1:09:44 | 1:09:47 | |
Fine's not good enough, though. | 1:09:47 | 1:09:49 | |
Before I went travelling, you were more than fine. You were... | 1:09:51 | 1:09:55 | |
And I come back and... | 1:09:55 | 1:09:57 | |
Whatever it is that makes you happy, I'm in. But this wedding isn't it. | 1:10:00 | 1:10:06 | |
It happened because Saskia isn't happy either, | 1:10:07 | 1:10:10 | |
-and yet you're both going to turn up at that church... -It's too late. | 1:10:10 | 1:10:13 | |
-It's not too late. -I can't talk to her at the church... | 1:10:13 | 1:10:15 | |
-Go to the hotel, then. -The bells are going to start in 12 minutes. | 1:10:15 | 1:10:18 | |
-She'll have left the hotel. -She's a bride. She'll be late. | 1:10:18 | 1:10:23 | |
Right, OK. It's Saturday morning, we've gotta get across town. | 1:10:25 | 1:10:28 | |
-Roger! Get back in the car. -Have you got the keys, keys, keys? | 1:10:28 | 1:10:31 | |
-We don't need the keys. -Are you... -Yes, keys, get the keys. | 1:10:31 | 1:10:34 | |
And I said, | 1:10:34 | 1:10:36 | |
"I'm practically wearing a dress, anyway, | 1:10:36 | 1:10:38 | |
"I can stand in for the bride, but not the groom." | 1:10:38 | 1:10:42 | |
HE GUFFAWS | 1:10:42 | 1:10:43 | |
Sorry, are you saying that the groom hasn't arrived, either? | 1:10:45 | 1:10:48 | |
MUSIC: I Predict A Riot by Kaiser Chiefs | 1:10:50 | 1:10:52 | |
-Are you sure it was here? -It must have been. | 1:10:52 | 1:10:54 | |
They wouldn't have fallen out anywhere else. | 1:10:54 | 1:10:56 | |
-Got them! -Oh, yes, well done! | 1:10:56 | 1:10:59 | |
Go, go, go! | 1:10:59 | 1:11:00 | |
Rog, get in the car! Get in the car! | 1:11:06 | 1:11:09 | |
All right, all right. | 1:11:09 | 1:11:10 | |
HORN HONKS | 1:11:13 | 1:11:15 | |
I don't believe this. You can't park there on a Saturday, mate! | 1:11:15 | 1:11:19 | |
We've gotta go. Gotta see her. | 1:11:19 | 1:11:21 | |
-Congratulations. Well done! -Oh, piss off! | 1:11:21 | 1:11:24 | |
-Hey! -And you. | 1:11:25 | 1:11:27 | |
Come on! | 1:11:27 | 1:11:28 | |
Beautiful. | 1:11:32 | 1:11:33 | |
OK. | 1:11:37 | 1:11:38 | |
Come on, nearly there. | 1:11:46 | 1:11:48 | |
Wait till you see the dress. She looks absolutely... | 1:11:49 | 1:11:51 | |
-What room is she in? -She's gone. | 1:11:51 | 1:11:54 | |
She's gone. She's... She's gone! | 1:11:54 | 1:11:57 | |
'We need to put the ice sculptures out now.' | 1:12:02 | 1:12:05 | |
No, no, no, no. Let me tell you, Georgio. | 1:12:05 | 1:12:07 | |
Currently I have an ice flamingo. In two hours it'll be a goose. | 1:12:07 | 1:12:11 | |
In three hours a duck. In four hours I will be serving my guests vodka | 1:12:11 | 1:12:14 | |
-in a fucking ice puffin. -'OK, OK.' | 1:12:14 | 1:12:16 | |
Thank you. | 1:12:16 | 1:12:18 | |
Oh, shit. | 1:12:20 | 1:12:22 | |
-Right here. -No, it's left. | 1:12:28 | 1:12:30 | |
Right. They won't go on the motorway, it'll be on the Old Chester Road. | 1:12:30 | 1:12:33 | |
Not clear. Repeat, not clear. | 1:12:33 | 1:12:35 | |
The Ambassador's not clear for zone five. | 1:12:35 | 1:12:38 | |
The dog won't go in because of the falcons. | 1:12:38 | 1:12:40 | |
Oh, dogs are in. The dogs are in, the dogs have cleared the plane. Oh. | 1:12:40 | 1:12:45 | |
-What plane? -Yeah, sniffer dogs. Sniffer dogs. | 1:12:45 | 1:12:48 | |
We're clear of the sniffer dogs. We are ready to board. | 1:12:48 | 1:12:52 | |
-Hang on, is that a Bentley? -Yeah, that is a Bentley. | 1:12:59 | 1:13:01 | |
-Overtake it. Overtake it! -All right, sorry. | 1:13:01 | 1:13:04 | |
HORN HONKS | 1:13:09 | 1:13:10 | |
-Hi. -Hi. | 1:13:18 | 1:13:20 | |
What are you doing? | 1:13:20 | 1:13:22 | |
Um, do you want to marry me, Sas? | 1:13:23 | 1:13:26 | |
-Tim, it's our wedding day. -Yeah, it's our wedding day. | 1:13:31 | 1:13:35 | |
It's the happiest day of our lives and, | 1:13:35 | 1:13:38 | |
we can absolutely say if we don't want it. | 1:13:38 | 1:13:41 | |
Do you want it? | 1:13:45 | 1:13:46 | |
ORGAN PLAYS SOFTLY | 1:14:02 | 1:14:04 | |
MAN: I don't know. I think so. | 1:14:11 | 1:14:13 | |
Oh, Jenna. Jenna, I need... Jen, um... OK, OK. Er... | 1:14:16 | 1:14:22 | |
It's just I think...between you and me, we might have a bit of an emergency. | 1:14:22 | 1:14:28 | |
No, don't say that word. Ever. | 1:14:28 | 1:14:33 | |
Sh. | 1:14:33 | 1:14:35 | |
Please be seated, madam. Thank you. | 1:14:35 | 1:14:37 | |
Oxygen masks will fall. | 1:14:37 | 1:14:41 | |
Ambassador. | 1:14:41 | 1:14:42 | |
CHURCH BELLS RING | 1:14:43 | 1:14:45 | |
Saskia. | 1:14:52 | 1:14:53 | |
Are you OK? | 1:14:55 | 1:14:57 | |
I just think we need to talk. | 1:14:57 | 1:14:59 | |
-Are you OK? -I'm fine. | 1:14:59 | 1:15:01 | |
When, I mean... | 1:15:01 | 1:15:03 | |
How... | 1:15:03 | 1:15:05 | |
I mean... Tim, why now? | 1:15:05 | 1:15:08 | |
I told him. | 1:15:08 | 1:15:10 | |
-What? -What happened in the kebab shop. | 1:15:17 | 1:15:19 | |
Tim... | 1:15:31 | 1:15:33 | |
You bastard. | 1:15:34 | 1:15:36 | |
-You stupid, dumb, idiot, bastard. -Whoa, whoa, whoa. | 1:15:37 | 1:15:40 | |
Oh, God. Why did you do this? | 1:15:40 | 1:15:43 | |
Because it was the right thing to do. | 1:15:43 | 1:15:45 | |
If you want to marry Tim, be my guest. Those are your bells, your cars, | 1:15:45 | 1:15:49 | |
half a mile from here a wedding with your names written all the way through it. | 1:15:49 | 1:15:53 | |
But you... | 1:15:55 | 1:15:56 | |
you are the most decent, wittiest, loveliest bloke, | 1:15:56 | 1:16:00 | |
a brother could ever ask for. And you are the girl who got me through school. | 1:16:00 | 1:16:03 | |
If I'm really honest, life, probably. | 1:16:03 | 1:16:07 | |
So, it's about time that the people in those two cars manned up, | 1:16:07 | 1:16:10 | |
started being really honest with each other, and bail! | 1:16:10 | 1:16:14 | |
Because, for God's sake, if you don't, | 1:16:14 | 1:16:17 | |
the light in the two people that I love the most... | 1:16:17 | 1:16:20 | |
..goes out. | 1:16:22 | 1:16:24 | |
Um... | 1:16:24 | 1:16:25 | |
Yeah, I may have just told you I love you, | 1:16:27 | 1:16:30 | |
and I probably should have told you that before you were stood here, | 1:16:30 | 1:16:33 | |
in the middle of a field, on the way to marry my brother but um... | 1:16:33 | 1:16:36 | |
if it's any consolation, I literally only just realised that myself. So there we are. | 1:16:36 | 1:16:41 | |
I love you. | 1:16:41 | 1:16:42 | |
Does this mean I don't have to give a speech? | 1:16:51 | 1:16:54 | |
QUARTET PLAYS IN BACKGROUND | 1:16:56 | 1:16:58 | |
She's not coming, is she? | 1:17:03 | 1:17:05 | |
Well, there we go. | 1:17:07 | 1:17:09 | |
I rather feared sending her to finishing school, | 1:17:09 | 1:17:12 | |
was like painting varnish on a diseased toenail. | 1:17:12 | 1:17:15 | |
-Mum... -Welcome to my world, Alex. | 1:17:15 | 1:17:17 | |
Welcome to a lifetime of publicly apologising for your daughter. | 1:17:17 | 1:17:21 | |
I think I'll leave you to work out | 1:17:23 | 1:17:25 | |
what you're going to say to everyone. | 1:17:25 | 1:17:27 | |
QUARTET STOPS | 1:17:55 | 1:17:57 | |
There's something I have to tell you and it's not going to be... | 1:18:01 | 1:18:04 | |
RUSHING FOOTSTEPS | 1:18:04 | 1:18:06 | |
QUARTET PLAYS | 1:18:10 | 1:18:12 | |
Please remain in your seats until the captain has turned the seat belt signs off, please. | 1:18:15 | 1:18:19 | |
Thank you. | 1:18:19 | 1:18:21 | |
Dearly beloved, | 1:18:27 | 1:18:29 | |
we are gathered here today, | 1:18:29 | 1:18:32 | |
to join together in holy matrimony, | 1:18:32 | 1:18:35 | |
Saskia, | 1:18:35 | 1:18:37 | |
and Tim. | 1:18:37 | 1:18:38 | |
Uh... We're not. | 1:18:38 | 1:18:39 | |
GASPS | 1:18:39 | 1:18:41 | |
Um, ladies and gentlemen... | 1:18:44 | 1:18:47 | |
..hi. | 1:18:48 | 1:18:49 | |
Alex. Des. You made me feel like part of a family, | 1:18:51 | 1:18:57 | |
at a time in my life when I most needed one. | 1:18:57 | 1:19:01 | |
Thank you. | 1:19:02 | 1:19:04 | |
But... | 1:19:05 | 1:19:07 | |
that's no reason to marry your daughter. | 1:19:07 | 1:19:09 | |
There's only one reason why a couple should do that. | 1:19:11 | 1:19:14 | |
Fortunately, there's a couple here who know why, | 1:19:15 | 1:19:19 | |
and, fortunately, | 1:19:19 | 1:19:23 | |
they're both very close to me. | 1:19:23 | 1:19:25 | |
GASPS | 1:19:30 | 1:19:31 | |
Raif. | 1:19:35 | 1:19:37 | |
Pronounced like a dog throwing up. | 1:19:37 | 1:19:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 1:19:39 | 1:19:40 | |
Raif! | 1:19:40 | 1:19:42 | |
Are we... | 1:19:48 | 1:19:50 | |
Are you sure about this? | 1:19:53 | 1:19:55 | |
-WHISPERS: -Well, it wouldn't be legal. You know, we haven't had the banns read. | 1:20:15 | 1:20:19 | |
-We've got the audience here, so... -There's gotta be a bit of it you can do. | 1:20:20 | 1:20:25 | |
Do you think maybe you could improvise? | 1:20:25 | 1:20:29 | |
It would almost be like being... an actor. | 1:20:29 | 1:20:32 | |
Dearly beloved... | 1:20:43 | 1:20:44 | |
APPLAUSE | 1:20:44 | 1:20:46 | |
..we are gathered here today, | 1:20:48 | 1:20:51 | |
to join in holy matrimony, | 1:20:51 | 1:20:54 | |
Saskia and Raif! | 1:20:54 | 1:20:57 | |
'We got married. I know, what the hell were we thinking? | 1:21:04 | 1:21:09 | |
'But, honestly, it was the greatest day. | 1:21:10 | 1:21:13 | |
'Not that the rest of the day went without a hitch. | 1:21:15 | 1:21:18 | |
'Saskia forgot that her bouquet was largely made of metal.' | 1:21:18 | 1:21:21 | |
CLUNK | 1:21:21 | 1:21:22 | |
GASPS | 1:21:22 | 1:21:23 | |
'Patricia put on a fur hat and got attacked by a falcon.' | 1:21:25 | 1:21:29 | |
-..worse than it is... -I don't care whether it looks worse or not. It's extremely embarrassing. | 1:21:29 | 1:21:33 | |
Fucking ridic... I'm sorry, Vicar. | 1:21:33 | 1:21:36 | |
'And somebody turned on the overhead fan during the butterfly release. | 1:21:36 | 1:21:40 | |
'But the best bit was the father-of-the-bride speech.' | 1:21:42 | 1:21:46 | |
MAN: Go on, Des. | 1:21:49 | 1:21:50 | |
It's all right. It's all right, love. | 1:22:01 | 1:22:04 | |
It's all right. | 1:22:04 | 1:22:05 | |
When I was my daughter's age I ran away from home, | 1:22:08 | 1:22:12 | |
to the Isle of Man. | 1:22:12 | 1:22:14 | |
And there I met a Frenchman who showed me a bit of tenderness, | 1:22:15 | 1:22:18 | |
bit of compassion. | 1:22:18 | 1:22:20 | |
Went on to show me several other things, including his, | 1:22:20 | 1:22:24 | |
camp-site, his tent, his genitals. | 1:22:24 | 1:22:28 | |
But to that boy, | 1:22:28 | 1:22:30 | |
whoever he was, | 1:22:30 | 1:22:33 | |
and I've genuinely no idea, | 1:22:33 | 1:22:36 | |
and to my mother, | 1:22:36 | 1:22:39 | |
I owe everything. | 1:22:39 | 1:22:41 | |
Because that combination, | 1:22:42 | 1:22:45 | |
of coldness and warmth, | 1:22:45 | 1:22:49 | |
meant that I ended up with this. | 1:22:49 | 1:22:52 | |
You know, when a bride's late for her wedding, | 1:22:55 | 1:22:58 | |
most normal women assume it's an attack of nerves but, | 1:22:58 | 1:23:02 | |
I genuinely thought that history had repeated itself, | 1:23:02 | 1:23:06 | |
that she might have done a runner from me and found her Isle of Man, | 1:23:06 | 1:23:10 | |
and gone. And I wouldn't have blamed her because, | 1:23:10 | 1:23:15 | |
I made that mistake we so often make. | 1:23:15 | 1:23:18 | |
I'd grown to be more like my parent, | 1:23:19 | 1:23:23 | |
when I should have grown more like my child. | 1:23:23 | 1:23:27 | |
I expect you've spotted that, | 1:23:30 | 1:23:33 | |
Saskia didn't marry Tim. | 1:23:33 | 1:23:35 | |
She didn't even legally get married. I don't actually know what happened but, | 1:23:35 | 1:23:39 | |
I don't care. I don't care. | 1:23:39 | 1:23:43 | |
I just want you to be happy. | 1:23:44 | 1:23:46 | |
And just come shopping with me sometimes. | 1:23:48 | 1:23:51 | |
APPLAUSE | 1:23:51 | 1:23:52 | |
MUSIC: I Believe In A Thing Called Love, by The Darkness | 1:23:54 | 1:23:57 | |
'So, there we are, then. The end of my wedding video. | 1:24:13 | 1:24:17 | |
'Not what I thought I was making when I started. | 1:24:17 | 1:24:20 | |
'I mean, I did have a hunch how it would end. | 1:24:20 | 1:24:23 | |
'With the groom looking at the bride, | 1:24:23 | 1:24:25 | |
'knowing that he is the luckiest man on earth. | 1:24:25 | 1:24:28 | |
'That shot.' | 1:24:29 | 1:24:30 | |
# Every day is a reminder... # | 1:24:36 | 1:24:40 | |
That's it, cross-check and doors to manual. | 1:24:40 | 1:24:44 | |
# Every day is a reminder | 1:24:44 | 1:24:47 | |
# We ain't nothing but some | 1:24:47 | 1:24:50 | |
# If you cough up your smoke cos your habit's a joke | 1:24:50 | 1:24:55 | |
# Da-da-da-da don't stop now | 1:24:55 | 1:24:58 | |
# If you seize the day... # | 1:24:58 | 1:25:00 | |
So we sit down, we do an interview and we draw up a character profile, | 1:25:00 | 1:25:04 | |
and then we match the flowers direct to your personality. | 1:25:04 | 1:25:07 | |
-Anyone ever come back as a cactus? -No. | 1:25:07 | 1:25:10 | |
Triffid? | 1:25:10 | 1:25:11 | |
-Yes, madam? -Cauliflower? | 1:25:11 | 1:25:15 | |
About eight-and-a-half inches. Yeah. | 1:25:15 | 1:25:18 | |
I'm just kidding. | 1:25:18 | 1:25:20 | |
# We're nothing but some matter | 1:25:20 | 1:25:23 | |
# Every day... # | 1:25:26 | 1:25:30 | |
I now take you as Mrs Frodo Baggins. | 1:25:30 | 1:25:34 | |
Oh, bugger, wrong ring. | 1:25:34 | 1:25:36 | |
Thank you. | 1:25:38 | 1:25:40 | |
I need a lake. I need a lake and a pond. | 1:25:40 | 1:25:43 | |
Right, ready, go! | 1:25:46 | 1:25:49 | |
Ow! | 1:25:50 | 1:25:52 | |
-Everything all right, gentlemen? -Er, yes, thank you, lovely. | 1:26:02 | 1:26:05 | |
# Your woman is your angel | 1:26:12 | 1:26:16 | |
# Your left side is your whole life | 1:26:16 | 1:26:20 | |
# And easily, the most beautiful thing in your world... # | 1:26:20 | 1:26:27 | |
I can't believe you wrote that just for me. | 1:26:32 | 1:26:35 | |
Every word. | 1:26:37 | 1:26:38 | |
Cut! | 1:26:45 | 1:26:47 |