The Wedding Video


The Wedding Video

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This film contains strong language

0:00:020:00:07

'Buy camera, press button, shoot wedding.

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'You know, it all sounded so bloody simple.'

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-DISTORTED VOICE:

-Right, so here I am record...

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No, that's not it.

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-Do you need a bit of help, mate?

-Huh?

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First of all, look, you've got it all on manual settings.

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And then, mate, you're zoomed right in. You need to come out. There.

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-Hey, there's you!

-Full picture. Here's me.

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Cheers for that, man.

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So, er...Raif Moyle here, somewhere over the North Sea.

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Making the symbolic journey home to see my brother to be his best man.

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-This is Chris.

-Hello.

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Who showed me how to use the camera. That's nice. And...ooh.

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This is Kyla, who, for a free can of Heineken,

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is about to get a starring role in my picture.

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It's three euros.

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'So, this was it. 10:15, May the 3rd,

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'arriving home to be my brother's best man.

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'I've just bought a camera and decided to film the build-up to his wedding.

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'At this point I'm exactly six weeks and three days away

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'from totally destroying their marriage.

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'Didn't know it then, of course.'

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Cheers, mate.

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'All I knew was I was coming home to see my brother for the first time in three years.

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'A really magical thing to get on film.

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'One of those things you can't repeat.'

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Bro!

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Oh, bollocks. We're going to have to do this again, sorry.

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-Sit, sit, sit!

-What are we doing?

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-I just want to get your reaction on camera.

-I'm trying to get dressed for a party, Raif.

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This will take less than a minute. It's important.

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-Right.

-Right?

-Right.

-Ready?

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-Yes.

-Action.

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Tim, my brother! How lovely to see you.

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-Is that it?

-I'm leaving a gap so you can say, "It's lovely to see you, too."

-It's lovely to see you, too.

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Thank you. And, as such, I've got you the most incredible wedding present.

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-A toaster.

-No.

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-An erotic fertility symbol.

-Better.

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An erotic fertility symbol that also toasts!

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Ta-da!

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-A camera?

-No, I'm going to make a film of your wedding.

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-No, you're not.

-The highs, the lows, the little...

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Listen.

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I'm going to make this YOUR wedding, YOUR film, made with love by me.

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-So that one day you and...

-Saskia.

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Saskia - thank you - can look back at this, show it to your grandchildren.

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-All right, well, yes, thank you... very much.

-You're welcome.

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-But no swearing and no nudity.

-Scout's honour.

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-Hi, sexy.

-Bloody hell. Do you mind?

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I'm telling you, this is going to be a "warts and all" wedding video.

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And there, ladies, is the wart.

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This is what people want to see. That's the money shot right there.

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-The looks and the brains.

-Yeah...

-Hey, how's it going?

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-You're the brains.

-Yeah?

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Yeah.

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Hmm.

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RAIF GUFFAWS

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-Look at that. Look at that bum.

-Yeah, all right.

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That's why she's marrying you!

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-She says she knows you, by the way. Saskia.

-Huh?

-I think she went to your school.

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-Saskia Critchley? Doesn't ring any bells.

-Well, no,

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because her mum remarried. At school she'd have been Saskia Dutton.

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-Fuck off.

-What?

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-You're marrying Saskia Dutton?

-What?

-THE Saskia Dutton?

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Highest non-attendance record in school history.

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Suspended on an almost fortnightly basis. Saskia Dutton was a legend.

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-That is brilliant.

-OK, can you stop this?

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That's amazing, though! Like...you!

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-Why not me?

-Because you're you!

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-That's ridiculous.

-It's not ridiculous.

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-It... Tim!

-Can you stop this?

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Hang on, the Duttons were permanently skint.

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-They can't live round here.

-Yeah.

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-I don't believe that.

-Well, I guess things have... changed a bit.

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Holy shit!

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'This was it.

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'The exact moment I entered a part of Cheshire I'd only heard tell of as a kid.

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'The part they called the Beverly Hills of the UK.'

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Hi.

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-Tim! There he is.

-Hi.

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There he is, my superstar.

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Hi. Erm, Alex, this is Raif, my brother. Raif, this is Alex, Saskia's mother.

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-Hello, Raif.

-Hello.

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-(What's this?)

-He's, er, making a film.

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-As a wedding present.

-Oh, you should have told me.

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I'd have spent more time on my make-up.

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-Right.

-SHE GIGGLES

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Welcome, Raif.

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Today there are still children from low-income backgrounds

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whose lives are destroyed by the ravages of alcohol abuse.

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POPPING OF CORKS

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Your presence at this champagne tasting means we can send some of them...

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These are THE three most important women in Cheshire.

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This is Kym Ling of Yang Ling restaurants. You know, Wilmslow, The Edge, everywhere.

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-Only eight, darling.

-Only eight, she says!

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-Tara Devlin of...Devlin's.

-Voila.

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And Jacqui Mintchell-Baines of Mintchell-Baines Mercedes.

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-Hello.

-Not to mention,

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the bride-to-be.

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WOMEN LAUGH

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Saskia!

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Saskia...

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Come and meet...the best man.

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-Saskia Dutton.

-Raif Moyle.

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Fuck me.

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'OK, let me just explain my reaction quickly.

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MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead

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-'This is how

-I

-remember Saskia Dutton.

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'The craziest girl at school, when she bothered to turn up.

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'The sort of girl your mum would warn you about.

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'She went to parties like this

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'and hung out with blokes like that.

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'But now...'

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So, how did the two of you meet?

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We met at a Road Haulage Industry gala night.

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-Oooh! Sounds exciting!

-All right, steady.

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Was that a benefit for all the cyclists they'd mowed down that year?

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It was a benefit for children, Raif.

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OK?

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It's a Christmas party.

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-My step-dad... Well, his company Rigid Box...

-RAIF SNIGGERS

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All right, why don't you go back there where I can keep an eye on you.

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-A sheep smells nicer. Go on, go away.

-Yeah, all right.

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So, Tim, how does a guy like you propose to a girl like Saskia?

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-Er, we...

-It was in Chester.

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-Yeah.

-The city. It was lovely.

-We came out of the restaurant,

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I sat her down by the fountains roundabout and popped the question.

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And he timed the fountains so they went off just as I gave my answer.

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Which was a bit embarrassing because I said no initially.

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She's...joking.

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Alex's charity events, perfection.

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I'm blushing here. So embarrassing.

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Do you remember the buffet for Famine Relief?

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Oh, my God. I've still got half of it in the freezer.

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Have you? I'll have it back for the next one!

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-It's in a good cause.

-No, actually, we do raise a lot of money.

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-We try and put something back.

-Like today.

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-We've got great lives and...

-Very good cause. Let's drink to that.

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-The alcohol-abused children.

-Absolutely.

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Great lad.

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Great lad, this.

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As Saskia's step-dad, I suppose you're doing the "father of the bride" speech, Des?

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-No, no.

-Oh, that's a great idea. Des, you should.

-No, no.

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We would love that.

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Oh, good.

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Thanks.

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Are you from round here?

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Initially, yes. I'm a traveller now.

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-What?

-I travel.

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-Country to country, or lay-by to lay-by?

-Abroad.

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Right. For a minute there you had me reaching for my handbag.

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Because if I were a Traveller I might try to rob you. That's...

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Of course not, they don't ALL try to rob you.

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The adults keep you talking. The children rob you.

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Raif, where are you?

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-(I'm over here in England, in about

-1700.) Oh, you've met.

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Raif, this is Saskia's grandmother, Patricia. Patricia, this is my brother Raif.

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-Brother?

-Yes.

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Here's me asking if you know Manor House. You went.

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Ah, no. Tim got a scholarship.

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I went to Roton High, same as Saskia.

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She was in the year above me.

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Was above me in most things, to be perfectly honest.

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When Saskia got told off it was by the Headmaster.

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I only ever managed the Deputy Head.

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The last time I saw Saskia Dutton, she was being carried out of the chemistry lab,

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a teacher at either end, having drunk an entire test tube of industrial alcohol.

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-That was so funny! Remember...

-SHE MOUTHS

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-Tim, shall we get another drink?

-WHAT a good idea.

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RAIF CLEARS THROAT

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This is the actual day. Saskia Dutton is meant to be in this photograph but, er...

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Well, she knew all the teachers would be out on the field so...

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that was the day of the chemistry lab raid.

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If she'd looked up as she was carried into that ambulance...

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-I got a duvet and pillows and stuff.

-Look, look.

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Cool.

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Have you really not opened any of these boxes from Mum and Dad's?

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I've been kinda busy, having a job, getting married, buying this duvet.

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Come on, man. This is you and me in these boxes. This is us, our whole lives.

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-Yeah. OK, well, knock yourself out. Got a bit of an early start. All right?

-All right...

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-Sleep well.

-Night, mate.

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HE LAUGHS

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'5:30am.

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'The only people awake are milkmen, crack addicts,

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'and women preparing for a wedding.'

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-Do you have to do this?

-Course he does. It's background.

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-Have you filmed the home cinema?

-Yeah.

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Stick a kebab shop up there and you'll never have to leave the house.

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Oh, I wish, don't you, that you had more time at home sometimes?

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My husband, Des, with his company. The amount of social functions.

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-Is it very hard being Mrs Rigid Box?

-Not hard HARD.

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No, I'm not complaining. God, there's people in India with no legs. It's just...

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Could you... Sorry, could you take your shoes...

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Oh, right. Sorry.

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-It's just with it being porcelain.

-Yeah.

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Thanks, darling. This week, for example,

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two separate nights we're taking clients to the concerts at...

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Do you know the classical concerts at Breton Castle? Do you know those?

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They are amazing. Full orchestra, outside, under the stars.

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-Costs a fortune to get in but...

-Not if you do it like we used to.

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Yeah, I'm sure Raif doesn't want to know about that, darling.

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We used to climb the hill from the other side. Watch it all from behind for free.

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Bag of sandwiches.

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Actually, Raif, could you put your shoes back on?

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Oh...sorry.

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OK, get ready for the slow motion.

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And...slooooow moooootion.

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'Meet Tim Moyle, my big brother.'

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Oh, don't do that.

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-So, tell me about your job.

-Well, I'm head of a department

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which oversees systems across the various council departments... RAIF YAWNS THEATRICALLY

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-..and it makes sure...

-Can't...stay...awake...

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OK, piss right off. Thank you.

0:12:130:12:17

-Here is where I had my first pint.

-Oh, come on.

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Put a bit of life into it.

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-Here is where I had my first pint!

-Yeah, all right, thank you.

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And so it was here, amongst this scrubland,

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-that Tim found an adult magazine.

-Raif.

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Upon taking it home, Grandma found it in the airing cupboard, and said to him...

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"Tim, if there's anything you don't understand about women,

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"you need only ever ask."

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And this is the bridge where Raif would LIKE me to tell you about something,

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but over there is the electric fence where Raif, aged five,

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electrocuted his penis by trying to wee against it...

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-Tim...

-..and had to be taken to the hospital with his pants down...

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-No...

-..and the doctor, who I thought had a terrific sense of humour,

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said, "From now on, every time you do a poo, your nose will light up,"

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and little Raif burst into tears! Boo-hoo-hoo!

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Thank you.

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GAME-SHOW MUSIC PLAYS

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Hello, and welcome to Mr And Mrs,

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where we find out how much the bride and groom know about each other.

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-I really don't want to do this.

-I told you she wouldn't...

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-Put the box on, it'll be good.

-Stupid.

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So, Saskia, if you could get married anywhere in the world,

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-where in the world would you get married?

-I dunno.

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Up a mountain or maybe the side of a volcano or...

0:13:350:13:38

-Really?

-You're not meant to be able to hear in the box.

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-I thought you liked the Grosvenor.

-I do.

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-I like it. If we have to have a load of guests then it's fine.

-Fine, look...

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Tim. People often refer to me as the human Las Vegas.

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-TIM MOUTHS

-But if Saskia were any city in the world, what city would she be?

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Oh, er, I don't know.

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-Leicester?

-Leicester?

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-You're not meant to be able to hear...

-What's wrong with Leicester?

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-Tim. Lei... I mean...

-It's bright, it's central.

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-It's got great connections.

-Oh.

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-It's nice.

-Makes sense.

-Have you ever been?

-No. Fair enough.

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-Right, put those on.

-I guess I am Leicester.

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-Put that there. Thank you.

-Thank you.

0:14:160:14:18

Right. Tim.

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What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened during sexual intercourse?

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-Don't you dare answer that.

-You're not meant to be...

0:14:240:14:26

-Ow! Turn it down. Jesus.

-Tim.

0:14:260:14:30

What does Saskia think is your most irritating habit?

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She'd probably say I don't really have any.

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-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

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-Final answer?

-Yeah.

0:14:380:14:42

OK.

0:14:420:14:43

-Saskia.

-Yes!

-What is Tim's most irritating habit?

0:14:430:14:48

Oh, God. Snoring.

0:14:480:14:51

No? Did he say rolling down, when he rolls down the cereal packet?

0:14:510:14:56

Counting my drinks? No.

0:14:560:14:59

-When he puts the toilet paper in a "V".

-Yeah, OK.

-That's really...

0:14:590:15:04

Oh, no, did...

0:15:050:15:07

did you think I was going to say...

0:15:070:15:09

He folds up his dirty underwear before he puts it in the laundry.

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I don't actually find that annoying. I think it's funny.

0:15:130:15:16

-It makes sense.

-Yeah, I know.

0:15:160:15:18

You fold it, you get more in the laundry basket.

0:15:180:15:20

I thought maybe you thought that's what I thought...

0:15:200:15:23

CHURCH BELLS CHIME

0:15:250:15:26

'Many people find getting married is a time to re-examine their atheism.'

0:15:260:15:30

-Hello!

-Oh, hi.

0:15:300:15:32

-Reverend Dobbs? Tim.

-Tim, how are you?

0:15:320:15:34

-Hi, Saskia. Hello.

-Saskia... Hello!

0:15:340:15:38

Oh, sorry. This is, um... this is the best man.

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He's just doing, like, a film thing for the wedding.

0:15:410:15:44

No, no, it's fine. That's fine.

0:15:440:15:46

I'm quite used to being in front of a camera.

0:15:460:15:48

-(Ohhh, shit.)

-Um, would you like to come in?

-Yeah.

0:15:480:15:53

'Welcome...to Damascus.'

0:15:530:15:55

-Right, so...

-This is it!

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'Mary said to Joseph, "I don't think this is our donkey."'

0:15:570:16:03

REVEREND DOBBS LAUGHS

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Look at that little boy!

0:16:060:16:09

-Every time.

-That's really good.

0:16:180:16:20

Cool...so, um,

0:16:200:16:23

could we... So the wedding, is that... The wedding.

0:16:230:16:27

-Of course, sorry, the wedding.

-I suppose we were thinking...

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VIDEO PLAYER EJECTS

0:16:320:16:34

Right.

0:16:340:16:36

So...

0:16:370:16:39

TITTERING

0:16:390:16:41

..are you both...

0:16:410:16:43

virgins?

0:16:430:16:45

Wow, um...

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REVEREND DOBBS LAUGHS

0:16:480:16:51

Your face!

0:16:510:16:54

-REVEREND DOBBS CONVULSES

-I'm sor...

0:16:560:16:59

Wow... Every time! Every time!

0:17:030:17:08

'Now, Saskia wasn't the only bride that summer.

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'Also getting hitched was Zanna.

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'Daughter of Alex's friend-slash-rival Jacqui Mercedes Franchise.'

0:17:170:17:22

All right, yeah.

0:17:220:17:24

# The best things in life are free... #

0:17:290:17:32

'After a perfect ceremony and a flawless dove release,

0:17:320:17:34

'experts were predicting this would be the Cheshire Wedding of the Year.'

0:17:340:17:39

-Gold leaf champagne?

-Oh, wonderful.

0:17:390:17:42

Cheshire mushroom. Picked this morning by the groom.

0:17:420:17:45

-Really?

-Complimentary camera?

0:17:450:17:47

Lovely.

0:17:470:17:49

-Frozen sugared rose petals.

-Oh, for fuck's sake.

0:17:490:17:53

'Jacqui had hired a professional film crew.

0:17:530:17:55

'They had a lot of fancy kit but lacked a sort of creative integrity

0:17:550:18:00

'demonstrated by a more independent film-maker.'

0:18:000:18:03

It's a glorious wedding. You've been brilliant.

0:18:070:18:09

So is your wedding going to be like this?

0:18:100:18:13

Yeah, a bit like this. I mean, it's a wedding, isn't it?

0:18:130:18:15

-We've had the bit in the church, now you do the milling around, avoiding people.

-Milling?

0:18:150:18:20

-Well, you know, general milling.

-Boys...

0:18:200:18:23

(Come in here.

0:18:230:18:25

(Come in here! See this.)

0:18:250:18:28

Take a look at this.

0:18:280:18:31

Get every detail. Even the canopy, you know. They've thought of...

0:18:310:18:36

These little diamondy things. It's a lovely touch.

0:18:360:18:39

Could you clear the basin so we can look at that?

0:18:390:18:42

And this. The toilets. Elmsley and Barnes in a portable.

0:18:430:18:48

-WOMAN: Ooh!

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

0:18:480:18:50

Erm...

0:18:540:18:55

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

0:18:570:18:59

TIM MOUTHS

0:19:030:19:06

'The wedding was perfection. But Jacqui hadn't finished.

0:19:060:19:10

'Zanna was going to sing for us.

0:19:100:19:12

'A simple love song sung from the heart?

0:19:140:19:16

'No. This was a Cheshire wedding, so...'

0:19:160:19:20

ORCHESTRA PLAYS "MY HEART WILL GO ON"

0:19:200:19:21

FOGHORN SOUNDS

0:19:210:19:24

Smoke, smoke. More smoke.

0:19:300:19:33

COUGHING Too much smoke. Cut the smoke!

0:19:330:19:36

Darling, no!

0:19:360:19:38

SCREAMING

0:19:380:19:40

-Daddy!

-The ice!

0:19:400:19:42

Oh, shit.

0:19:500:19:53

'The next morning I found a very different Alex.

0:19:580:20:01

'With the favourite fallen at the last,

0:20:090:20:11

'the race for Cheshire Wedding of the Year was wide open.

0:20:110:20:14

'Alex decided to pick up the pace.

0:20:140:20:17

'Suddenly I had a new camera and shitloads of kit.'

0:20:170:20:22

Sorry, I got a bit of our reflection in there.

0:20:220:20:24

-Sorry, Alex, have to do that again.

-Oh, come on.

0:20:240:20:27

-Hi, there. My name's...

-Sorry, Rog. Lift the mic up a bit.

0:20:270:20:31

Sorry. Hi. My name's Roger and I'm delighted,

0:20:310:20:34

because I've just been asked to write a love song for this video.

0:20:340:20:37

Well, we said if you held the mic we'd discuss it, so it's not a...

0:20:370:20:42

All right, no, Rog...

0:20:430:20:45

And you can find yourself another fucking sound man.

0:20:450:20:48

No, don't be like that. You're definitely doing it. You are definitely, definitely doing it.

0:20:480:20:52

Cheers, man.

0:20:550:20:56

-Oh, Rog, don't stand there.

-What?

0:21:040:21:07

You're in the shot.

0:21:070:21:09

And this is the Meribelle, modelled by Tricia.

0:21:120:21:16

Tricia's put on a little weight recently,

0:21:160:21:19

but the Meribelle's woven with elastic panels,

0:21:190:21:22

so it can cope with the odd doughnut.

0:21:220:21:25

-Rog, you're in shot again.

-Can I have a go?

0:21:250:21:27

No, you can't have a go. I've got a tone here, a style developing.

0:21:270:21:31

But this thing's killing my arms.

0:21:310:21:33

You wouldn't ask Rembrandt, "Can I have a go on your paintbrush?", would you?

0:21:330:21:37

-Don't be a twat.

-Don't say twat at a wedding fair.

0:21:370:21:41

Twat! GASPING

0:21:410:21:42

(Rog, shut up!)

0:21:420:21:43

Well, your brother made it...

0:21:470:21:50

-Actually...yeah. Have a go.

-Cool.

0:21:500:21:55

So, our guinea pig today is Lauren. Lauren, have you set a date?

0:21:580:22:03

I have, Penny. 30th of January, three years' time, Mairstone Castle.

0:22:030:22:08

Three years! Wow. Is your groom all right about that long a wait?

0:22:080:22:12

No, well, I haven't actually met anyone yet, but if I don't book now I won't get the venue.

0:22:120:22:18

And with our specialist technology, we put weights within the bouquet,

0:22:180:22:23

so that the extra weight of the posy will tense your biceps.

0:22:230:22:27

It will strengthen your triceps,

0:22:270:22:29

and it will eliminate any risk of bingo wings on your big day.

0:22:290:22:34

But also to try and find something that's compatible with your current...

0:22:340:22:37

Obviously, you don't want to be all like...

0:22:370:22:40

You don't want to be stiff on the morning after your wedding.

0:22:400:22:43

-Yeah, Raif, stop it.

-Hmm?

0:22:430:22:44

Stop it.

0:22:440:22:46

Sorry.

0:22:460:22:47

Hi, guys. So the idea is you visit the studios

0:22:480:22:51

around six weeks before your wedding day,

0:22:510:22:52

and you bring your wedding lingerie, your veil and tiara,

0:22:520:22:56

and then we direct you into these amazing body sculpting poses.

0:22:560:22:59

Do this. Definitely do this.

0:22:590:23:02

Ever the other way round? Do you ever film grooms for brides?

0:23:020:23:06

Yes, of course, sir. Would you like to enter our draw to win a photoshoot?

0:23:060:23:09

No, thank you. It's great, it's not for me.

0:23:090:23:12

-Thank you so much. Thank you.

-Thanks. Cheers.

0:23:120:23:16

'Cor, don't mind if I do.'

0:23:160:23:19

-Actually, yes, I will.

-Oh, great.

0:23:190:23:21

The heat of the room warms them up. So at the special moment,

0:23:230:23:27

la-la, voila! Wedding filled with butterflies.

0:23:270:23:32

-That is stupendous.

-Look at that.

0:23:320:23:36

-We've got to have that.

-You have.

0:23:360:23:38

-Is that one dead?

-No, they're just sleeping.

0:23:380:23:41

-They're all...

-No, no.

-Those four are dead. Look, that's not moving.

0:23:410:23:44

That one's alive. I think it's eating that one.

0:23:440:23:47

Look, there's one right here. Saskia, there's one on you!

0:23:470:23:51

Get it off. Please take it off. I don't want it.

0:23:510:23:53

Please, take it off. I don't like... Sorry.

0:23:530:23:55

-They're nice.

-I don't want that, actually. Sorry.

0:23:550:23:59

What can a butterfly do except look lovely?

0:23:590:24:02

-Sas...

-Don't worry, we'll have them.

0:24:020:24:05

-Thank you.

-Three boxes for each per...

0:24:050:24:08

So we've got eight bridesmaids...

0:24:080:24:10

Well, um...making it personal to Saskia, you know. I think that's what... Don't we?

0:24:100:24:14

What makes a wedding special. Those little personal ideas,

0:24:140:24:17

personal touches that make it absolutely, entirely Saskia's.

0:24:170:24:23

And I hope that's what Jenna's going to come up with.

0:24:230:24:26

Mm.

0:24:270:24:28

'So, what's it like being a wedding planner?'

0:24:280:24:30

Oh, well, being a wedding planner's a dream job for a woman.

0:24:300:24:35

You get married six times a year and you never have to go home with the men!

0:24:350:24:39

-And you used to be an air hostess?

-Er, yes.

0:24:430:24:46

I stopped being an air hostess after one particularly bad flight into...

0:24:460:24:51

Helsinki, after which I... sort of lost confidence.

0:24:510:24:55

And my love for the job, and I... suffered a severe loss of drive.

0:24:550:25:00

Severe loss of...of motivation. Plus, um...

0:25:000:25:04

I started to...

0:25:040:25:07

scream quite a bit during turbulence, so that wasn't...

0:25:070:25:11

so good.

0:25:110:25:12

Remember one thing.

0:25:210:25:24

People come for the bride and the groom,

0:25:240:25:27

but they go home...

0:25:270:25:29

talking about the butterfly release.

0:25:290:25:32

SHE MAKES FLITTERING SOUNDS

0:25:340:25:36

Wow.

0:25:390:25:42

This is going to be really special.

0:25:420:25:44

To get some tips for Tim and Saskia's first dance,

0:25:440:25:46

we've managed to get Konstantin Yevchinski from the Moscow Ballet.

0:25:460:25:51

MUSIC: The Power Of Love by Jennifer Rush

0:25:510:25:54

So our thought was, um, this is kind of our song...

0:25:540:25:57

Well, not our song but a song that was playing when...

0:25:570:26:00

on the night we met. So...

0:26:000:26:04

KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN

0:26:040:26:07

Um, do it, the dance, now.

0:26:070:26:11

Er...

0:26:150:26:17

KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN

0:26:240:26:28

Um...you two have never had sex.

0:26:280:26:32

KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN

0:26:320:26:35

You dance like you've never had sex.

0:26:350:26:39

Um...have you had sex?

0:26:390:26:42

-Not since we got here.

-No.

0:26:420:26:46

Dance is passion.

0:26:490:26:52

It's not here.

0:26:520:26:53

It's here!

0:26:530:26:56

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

0:26:560:26:58

MUSIC: Play That Funky Music by Wild Cherry

0:26:590:27:03

ROCK'N'ROLL PLAYS

0:27:060:27:08

IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

0:27:150:27:17

MUSIC: I See You Baby (Fatboy Slim Remix) by Groove Armada

0:27:210:27:27

IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

0:27:270:27:29

MUSIC: I See You Baby (Fatboy Slim Remix) by Groove Armada

0:27:290:27:35

TANGO PLAYS

0:27:350:27:38

Stop!

0:27:420:27:44

KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN

0:27:440:27:46

-It's...it's shit. Basically.

-OK. Sorry.

0:27:520:27:55

-KONSTANTIN SPEAKS RUSSIAN

-Er...terrible. Shit. Er, penis...limp.

0:27:550:28:00

Drooping like two wildebeests or any bison-like creature.

0:28:000:28:05

-Pissed bison. Yeah, pissed.

-Oh, no, don't... Oh!

0:28:050:28:08

Oh, if you just...

0:28:080:28:10

Maestro!

0:28:110:28:13

SLAVIC FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

0:28:130:28:17

Oh, yes.

0:28:170:28:19

SHE WHIMPERS

0:28:280:28:30

HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

0:28:340:28:37

If you feel passion in your partner, you'll feel it!

0:28:380:28:42

Is that right, Alex? Did you feel his passion?

0:28:420:28:45

Sorry?

0:28:450:28:47

Going to put the camera here. I've no idea what I'm filming.

0:28:500:28:55

Who was it who said, "You never know what's around the corner"?

0:28:550:28:59

Um, John F Kennedy.

0:28:590:29:01

No, I think it was Forrest Gump, wasn't it? The chocolates thing?

0:29:010:29:05

Anyway, you plan for one venue and suddenly

0:29:050:29:08

one you could only dream of gets a wedding licence.

0:29:080:29:13

-What are you talking about?

-Has something happened with the Grosvenor?

0:29:130:29:16

What's going on?

0:29:160:29:17

Blindfolds off.

0:29:190:29:21

'If there was a lesson to be learned from the sinking of the Titanic,

0:29:250:29:28

'like something about bigger not always being better,

0:29:280:29:32

'Alex was studiously ignoring it.'

0:29:320:29:35

-ALEX LAUGHS

-It's all yours.

0:29:350:29:38

(It's quite ridiculous. We're just going to say no.

0:29:400:29:43

(Yeah, it's too big. I know, don't worry.)

0:29:430:29:46

Come here, look at this.

0:29:470:29:49

The first couple to be married at Rostherne Hall. How does that sound?

0:29:490:29:53

Great.

0:29:530:29:55

-Tim?

-Yeah.

0:29:590:30:01

-DISTANT:

-We're in a bloody stately home!

-I was there, I saw it.

0:30:020:30:07

Raif Moyle reporting here.

0:30:070:30:10

As I'm showing you everything that happened in the run-up to the wedding,

0:30:100:30:13

I think it's important that we document some of the "speed bumps" on the...

0:30:130:30:18

-path of the happy day.

-We're discussing it.

0:30:180:30:21

It's a bit bloody late now. Two seconds later Mum comes over and you're like...

0:30:210:30:25

-"Oh, great. Fantastic!"

-What am I supposed to do?

0:30:250:30:27

Say, "Shove it up your arse, your stately home"? No, I can't do that.

0:30:270:30:32

She's your mother, it makes her happy...

0:30:320:30:34

VOICES RECEDE

0:30:340:30:37

One day he'll look back on that...

0:30:370:30:41

and really laugh.

0:30:410:30:44

DOOR SLAMS

0:30:440:30:46

TANNOY: Next on the card is the 3:25 Rigid Box Haulage Stakes.

0:30:500:30:54

Classified race over seven furlongs...

0:30:540:30:57

FRANTIC COMMENTARY

0:30:570:30:59

Are you running?

0:31:040:31:06

Um...girls, I'm afraid there's been a change of venue for the wedding,

0:31:060:31:10

-so new invitations.

-My God, they haven't double-booked?

0:31:100:31:13

-Not the Grosvenor, surely?

-No, no. It's just that, um...

0:31:130:31:16

Somewhere else came up which had always been Saskia's favourite anyway.

0:31:160:31:19

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God!

-It's not a hassle, is it?

0:31:190:31:22

-Had you booked cabs?

-Alex, it's Rostherne Hall.

0:31:220:31:26

Wow, it's Rostherne Hall!

0:31:260:31:29

How on earth did you manage to get that?

0:31:290:31:31

-Amazing. That's...

-It's unheard of, actually.

0:31:310:31:33

-Wow.

-Brilliant.

-Brilliant.

0:31:330:31:36

Are you getting all this? Sorry, but if you don't take the first time then...

0:31:360:31:40

the reactions aren't so real. Thanks, Raif.

0:31:400:31:43

-It's outrageous.

-Oh, it's fucking ridiculous.

0:31:450:31:49

-It's far too big.

-But it's cold, Jacqui, that's the thing.

0:31:490:31:53

-She'll never heat it.

-No, I know, it's wrong.

0:31:530:31:56

So, Des, how's the big speech coming along?

0:31:570:32:01

How's this for an opener?

0:32:010:32:03

"Ladies and gentlemen,

0:32:030:32:06

"most of you know I am not Saskia's biological father,

0:32:060:32:11

"but I like to think I am her non-biological one."

0:32:110:32:15

-Well, will that get a laugh?

-Um...

0:32:150:32:20

-Bird cages.

-Oh!

-With real birds in them.

-No...

0:32:200:32:23

And you dye the bird to match the cage. Or you can have a white one and a black...

0:32:230:32:27

I don't... I don't want birds.

0:32:270:32:29

-Darling, look...

-Picture frames on twigs.

0:32:290:32:32

-Why?

-Why? Why not? Why not?

0:32:320:32:34

..and the doctor said, "I can't see a parrot, madam, but I can tell you've had a cockatoo."

0:32:360:32:40

Inappropriate?

0:32:400:32:42

Um...

0:32:420:32:44

Wheatgrass. Just knock it back. Good for your teeth.

0:32:440:32:48

OK.

0:32:520:32:54

Just...

0:32:540:32:56

OK.

0:33:000:33:02

-Er, wheatgrass.

-Mum, I...

-Wheatgrass. Wheatgrass!

0:33:050:33:08

-Thank you, Jenna.

-Jenna's being marvellous.

0:33:080:33:10

-Something with a horn. Thank you.

-Stop it!

0:33:100:33:15

I'm going to be your mother-in-law in a week.

0:33:150:33:18

It's lovely. Feel that, you can just...

0:33:280:33:31

I think it could do with a coat of arms. An escutcheon thing with the family crest.

0:33:310:33:36

250? 300.

0:33:360:33:39

Oh, sorry.

0:33:440:33:47

Forget my head. All right? Oh, you got that down you? Good.

0:33:470:33:50

-Ta-da!

-Oh, I think they're perfect.

0:33:550:33:58

No. I don't like it.

0:33:580:34:00

As you enter, the falcon flies the length of the church,

0:34:070:34:11

and delivers you the wedding rings.

0:34:110:34:13

All right?

0:34:130:34:14

Jenna, you're a genius. You are a genius.

0:34:140:34:17

We'll have that. Definitely. Fantastic.

0:34:170:34:21

I don't know what it is. It's part of the theme, isn't it?

0:34:220:34:25

What, birds of prey theme? OK. I must have missed that meeting,

0:34:250:34:30

we decided to have a predator-themed wedding.

0:34:300:34:33

-OK. I'll change it.

-Were you at the meeting?

0:34:330:34:35

I'll tell them you're not happy with the falcons delivering the rings.

0:34:350:34:38

Let's have a couple of... penguins with them on trays. Yeah?

0:34:380:34:42

That's a nice idea. Yeah, thank you!

0:34:420:34:45

So, I was thinking we should film at the summerhouse.

0:34:500:34:53

Are you going to watch that? Is that why you're making it?

0:34:530:34:56

-It's a present for you.

-Yeah? Well, stop it. OK?

0:34:560:34:59

Just put it down. If it's a present for me, then...

0:34:590:35:01

When somebody offers you a present, it is customary to accept.

0:35:010:35:05

There's actually a tribe in Eastern Siberia where...

0:35:050:35:07

Can you get the salsa, please?

0:35:070:35:09

-I don't think the camera's the problem.

-I do, Raif.

0:35:090:35:12

-No, it's that you don't back up Saskia.

-All right, I'll get it myself.

0:35:120:35:16

-You roll over to Alex all the time.

-What?!

0:35:160:35:18

-Anything she says...

-I haven't rolled over to anyone.

0:35:180:35:21

Don't be silly. If she told you you were having an underwater wedding,

0:35:210:35:24

-you'd be round there in a frog suit.

-I want you to be there,

0:35:240:35:27

in the middle of this nightmare, helping me organise this wedding,

0:35:270:35:30

instead of just dicking around around the edges.

0:35:300:35:32

How dare you! I am not dicking around the edges.

0:35:320:35:35

I'm taking this as seriously as I've ever taken anything.

0:35:350:35:38

What the hell is this?

0:35:380:35:41

Right, yeah. Well...

0:35:410:35:43

I won a raffle at a wedding show. It seemed like a shame to waste it.

0:35:430:35:47

-You say no for the sake of saying no.

-No. Mum.

0:35:480:35:51

You've always been like this. "No, I don't want braces."

0:35:510:35:53

-"No, I don't want to go to finishing school."

-I didn't want braces!

-But you've got to try things.

0:35:530:35:58

-Oh, I've got to try things?

-Yes!

-Well, I've never tried heroin, so...

0:35:580:36:01

-Could you stop filming, please?

-Heroin, shall I try some?

0:36:010:36:04

-Probably not.

-Mum.

0:36:040:36:06

-You want me to travel in a Rolls-Royce.

-Yes.

-Fine.

0:36:060:36:09

Then you change your mind. You want to travel in a Bentley. Fine!

0:36:090:36:13

Don't you want enchantment? Don't you want your day to...

0:36:130:36:16

-Don't you want it to be special?

-Mum, are you taking heroin?

0:36:160:36:19

Because every time I tell you what I want, it's like you're not there!

0:36:190:36:24

Do not say that.

0:36:240:36:26

I'm not a monster. I'm a mother who wants her daughter's wedding day to be special.

0:36:260:36:31

I didn't like to say in front of your mother, but I think that horse had the horn!

0:36:400:36:45

You look like you could do with a drink.

0:36:450:36:48

We're there. There.

0:36:500:36:51

OK. Oh, crikey, I'm on now, am I?

0:36:510:36:54

Yes, you are officially part of our wedding video.

0:36:540:36:56

-Right.

-Show him the ring, darling.

-Oh, that's lovely. Congratulations.

0:36:560:37:00

-Thank you.

-We're very happy.

0:37:000:37:03

Well done. So you're looking for wine for how many?

0:37:030:37:07

-How many?

-600.

-600, that's...

-600?

-Yeah.

0:37:070:37:10

-600?

-Yeah, we're up to six now.

0:37:100:37:14

Right, 600. Right, OK, well, I'll just...

0:37:140:37:16

Sit down. I'll just get a little selection.

0:37:160:37:19

-A seat for the bride?

-Thank you, my darling.

0:37:190:37:21

Don't mention it, my sweet.

0:37:210:37:23

Won't be long. Just make yourselves comfortable. 600?

0:37:230:37:25

-Six. Yes.

-Our 600 guests,

0:37:250:37:28

who we shall now try all of the wine for.

0:37:280:37:31

Mmm. Mmmm!

0:37:360:37:38

-You do, you get the almonds just at the end.

-It just nips in there.

0:37:380:37:41

The almond just nips in there.

0:37:410:37:44

I can taste liquorice.

0:37:440:37:46

And liquorice as well, yes. Well spotted.

0:37:460:37:48

-Do you have any others with liquorice?

-I think...

0:37:480:37:52

Actually, yes. Hold tight.

0:37:520:37:55

Now we're in...

0:37:550:37:57

business.

0:37:570:37:59

Cheers.

0:38:040:38:06

-That's lovely.

-I'm getting mango.

0:38:080:38:11

Are you? Mango?

0:38:110:38:12

But jasmine as well? Bit of jasmine in there?

0:38:150:38:18

CORK POPS

0:38:180:38:20

-Very moreish.

-Yeah.

0:38:200:38:22

-Yeah?

-Lovely, yes. Thank you. Now, this has a lovely,

0:38:220:38:27

herbaceous,

0:38:270:38:29

green aroma.

0:38:290:38:31

So we can compare them, let's get another of the...

0:38:310:38:34

-the, er, one, um... the one before.

-The one...

0:38:340:38:38

Can you see the bottle opener anywhere?

0:38:380:38:40

-You're so funny, Andrew. You're so funny.

-You two, I know.

0:38:420:38:46

-To happy happiness.

-And plenty more where that came from.

0:38:460:38:51

SOBBING: You just see what you want to see, don't you?

0:38:510:38:54

You just bloody see what you want to see.

0:38:540:38:57

ANDREW MOANS AND JABBERS TUNE

0:38:570:39:00

So, do you want to hear the song that I've written?

0:39:070:39:10

Yeah.

0:39:100:39:11

# His name is Tim Your name is Saskia...

0:39:130:39:18

Well, is that...

0:39:230:39:25

-Is that it?

-I can't remember what I did after that, to be honest.

0:39:250:39:29

I don't think I want my wedding song written by the "orgasm gun" guy.

0:39:290:39:34

'OK, just to clarify, at school Roger and I were in a band.

0:39:340:39:39

'I say band... We only had the one song.'

0:39:390:39:42

# Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun... #

0:39:420:39:45

'I say song... It was really just one line that we repeated over and over again,

0:39:450:39:50

'whilst everyone pretended to have an orgasm,

0:39:500:39:52

'which went down surprisingly poorly at the Christmas carol concert.'

0:39:520:39:57

-ALL:

-# Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun

0:39:570:40:00

-# Doctor Sargasso's orgasm gun... #

-Sorry, what? Hello. What?

0:40:040:40:08

-Waaaaay!

-What's going on?

0:40:080:40:11

-Where have you been?

-What's going on?

-We've got to eat.

0:40:110:40:14

We...we, we have to go and eat... to eat with the chef.

0:40:140:40:17

-Who gave her the spliff? You?

-Er, hello?

0:40:170:40:21

-I'm still in the room. I can hear you.

-Yeah, right you are.

0:40:210:40:24

Tim!

0:40:240:40:26

Don't laugh at him.

0:40:260:40:28

And you're just like, "Yeah, fine," to whatever she says.

0:40:300:40:32

-That is such a load of bollocks.

-Yes, you are!

0:40:320:40:35

I've never heard such shit in my life.

0:40:350:40:37

-What did you do all day?

-I wanted to go out.

0:40:370:40:40

-Raif was there.

-Just been titting around with him.

0:40:400:40:43

She just needed a break from the wedding stuff.

0:40:500:40:53

Don't make this harder than it is already.

0:40:530:40:56

I see you've worked out the title of your autobiography then!

0:40:560:41:00

'Hiring Rostherne Hall attracted the attention

0:41:030:41:06

'of the local glossy magazine,

0:41:060:41:08

'which promptly made Tim and Saskia the stars of their Wedding of the Month feature.

0:41:080:41:13

'This required a photoshoot.'

0:41:130:41:16

Smile. Just remember you're in love.

0:41:160:41:19

And you have your whole lives together.

0:41:190:41:23

'Meanwhile, out on the terrace,

0:41:230:41:25

'Britain's next top model was getting ready to have her photo taken, too.'

0:41:250:41:29

This is my favourite view,

0:41:290:41:31

looking from the house down towards the lake.

0:41:310:41:34

-POSH MAN:

-Just look this way, please. Lovely.

0:41:340:41:37

And again.

0:41:370:41:39

Oh, that's nice.

0:41:400:41:41

'With Patricia in such an excellent mood,

0:41:410:41:44

'I thought I'd ask some burning questions.'

0:41:440:41:46

So, Patricia, it must have been a very different family before Alex met Des?

0:41:460:41:51

Not much money around. Was it...

0:41:510:41:54

I'm assuming Alex and Saskia's dad must have separated?

0:41:540:41:59

Probably about 2O minutes after conception.

0:41:590:42:03

Right. Might be hard to track him down for an interview, then.

0:42:030:42:08

Well, you could stand on the Eiffel Tower,

0:42:080:42:10

and shout out, "Has anyone had sex with a waitress on holiday?"

0:42:100:42:15

But being in France I don't suppose many hands would stay down, would they?

0:42:150:42:20

And then she says, "But being France, I doubt many hands..."

0:42:220:42:26

-If you could try to...

-Here we are.

0:42:260:42:28

Here is the groom. And the best man.

0:42:280:42:31

This is Luke from Exclusive Videos, who's going to be shooting the wedding video,

0:42:310:42:35

so the pressure's off you, Raif.

0:42:350:42:37

You can focus on your main job now.

0:42:370:42:41

Raif?

0:42:410:42:42

You can focus on being best man.

0:42:420:42:45

This one was shot by the third Lord Rostherne, in Kenya I think.

0:42:480:42:52

Early 1800s. Magnificent beast.

0:42:520:42:56

'I could let Alex have her official version of events,

0:42:560:42:59

'but I decided I was going to keep filming as well. Undercover.'

0:42:590:43:04

Really!

0:43:040:43:06

Anyway, these ones were in West Africa. Chased them for days.

0:43:060:43:11

Very rare breed. Almost extinct. Terrible trouble hunting them down.

0:43:110:43:14

And round here, a special one. Very special.

0:43:140:43:16

The jewel in the crown.

0:43:160:43:20

This was the one the third Lord was most proud of.

0:43:200:43:24

-You don't see many of these.

-No, I can imagine.

0:43:240:43:27

Couldn't stuff the whole thing. The rest we made into cushions.

0:43:270:43:31

RAIF LAUGHS

0:43:310:43:33

-IN POSH ACCENT:

-Saturday afternoon, 1978, Chester Zoo.

0:43:350:43:40

Very difficult shot. Children everywhere.

0:43:400:43:44

Ah, now, these magnificent specimens,

0:43:440:43:49

for me they sum up what was really great about this country.

0:43:490:43:52

They're a constant reminder

0:43:520:43:55

that the English were never afraid to shoot a grazing herbivore right up the arse,

0:43:550:44:00

from behind a wall of Nigerians.

0:44:000:44:02

SHE GUFFAWS

0:44:020:44:05

And...this is my favourite. I actually stuffed him myself.

0:44:080:44:12

But it was too rainy to go hunting,

0:44:120:44:16

so we bought him from a pet shop,

0:44:160:44:18

took him home, kicked him down the stairs.

0:44:180:44:21

I say, bam-bam old girl, what's through here?

0:44:210:44:25

Er...

0:44:250:44:27

The fourth Lord, who married into the Marquillage family,

0:44:270:44:31

and, finally, the fifth Lord.

0:44:310:44:35

My late husband.

0:44:350:44:38

Oh, look. Here he is.

0:44:380:44:42

Harold, you've lost weight. Have they not been feeding you?

0:44:420:44:48

Sas, grab the camera.

0:44:480:44:50

He was wonderful. Very kind. Very sensitive.

0:44:510:44:55

Very Christian man.

0:44:550:44:58

I still feel his presence everywhere in this house.

0:44:580:45:03

Hello. Lord Rostherne here.

0:45:030:45:05

Just reliving some of my favourite moments from out on safari.

0:45:050:45:09

Out on the savanna once, some chap told me you can't call yourself a real hunter,

0:45:090:45:13

till you've popped the old chap in a tiger's mouth.

0:45:130:45:16

I said, "Sir, if you'd met Lady Rostherne you'd know..."

0:45:160:45:20

-This is my bedroom.

-..that's a blessed relief...

0:45:200:45:23

Oh, my God.

0:45:260:45:29

-WHISPERING:

-Hi, this is Saskia.

0:45:350:45:37

I am reporting on a camera which has just been confiscated,

0:45:370:45:41

by my mother from Raif,

0:45:410:45:45

who is currently in there getting a major bollocking...

0:45:450:45:49

What's he done? What did he do?

0:45:490:45:53

Oh, no, it's fine. We were just...

0:45:530:45:56

-We were in the private rooms and...

-We?

0:45:560:46:00

Why are you treating this like it's a laugh?

0:46:040:46:06

This is a wedding, Saskia. This is not a laugh, this is a wedding.

0:46:060:46:09

And it's close and it's getting closer and you treating it like it's some fucking party,

0:46:090:46:15

is not going to help us get through this!

0:46:150:46:17

SHE GASPS

0:46:270:46:29

It's still here.

0:46:290:46:31

This is a site of immense historical importance.

0:46:320:46:36

Anyone who bunked off Roton High ended up down here drinking beer.

0:46:360:46:40

And this is where Raif is going to meet me if he wants his camera back.

0:46:400:46:44

Good day, Lord Rostherne!

0:46:470:46:49

My good Lady Rostherne, how are you?

0:46:490:46:52

-Old Glory!

-Oh, my God.

0:46:540:46:57

-57 pence.

-Old Glory.

0:46:570:46:59

-Yes.

-God, they still make it.

0:46:590:47:02

-I hope they still make it.

-Wow.

-This may be from the batch he still had the last time I went in there.

0:47:020:47:08

I think mine's got hairs floating in it. I can't drink this.

0:47:080:47:11

I've got a wedding dress fitting this afternoon.

0:47:110:47:14

-Definitely don't drink that.

-I'm supposed to be drinking wheat grass.

0:47:140:47:17

-Enjoy that.

-Let me have a taste, one taste.

0:47:170:47:20

-And it's just as...

-Wow.

0:47:220:47:25

-..revolting as I remember.

-That will put hairs on your hairs.

0:47:250:47:29

-How did you end up in Lucerne?

-It was Gran's idea.

0:47:330:47:37

European college to help prepare for society.

0:47:370:47:41

Like university?

0:47:410:47:43

Er, one of the lessons was how to listen to a conversation.

0:47:430:47:47

You're kidding.

0:47:470:47:49

-How long did you last?

-Six days.

0:47:490:47:51

-Wow.

-Got chucked out during

0:47:510:47:53

"How to get out of a sports car without flashing your knickers".

0:47:530:47:56

I wasn't wearing any. I was.

0:47:560:47:58

-Things went downhill from there.

-How?

0:47:580:48:01

-Well, basically just more and more debts.

-Go on.

0:48:060:48:11

-There was a hire car driven into a lake.

-Wow.

0:48:110:48:15

There was an affair with the bloke who took the stitches out.

0:48:150:48:18

He was lovely.

0:48:180:48:19

Then I had a fight with his wife.

0:48:190:48:22

I got in with this biker gang. I mean,

0:48:220:48:25

it was incredible and just the loveliest guys.

0:48:250:48:28

Um, but...

0:48:280:48:31

turned out they were basically using me as a drugs mule.

0:48:310:48:35

I realised I had spiked my own drink.

0:48:360:48:41

The bloke that had his tooth removed, he's suing me

0:48:410:48:43

because it turns out he's a flautist.

0:48:430:48:46

RAIF LAUGHS

0:48:460:48:48

-She set my ponytail on fire.

-No!

-And the rest of the bar. It was awful.

0:48:480:48:53

I had to leave Italy after that.

0:48:530:48:56

My mum and Des had to fly out while I'm in hospital,

0:48:560:48:59

waiting till I'm fit enough to stand bail. Oh, my God.

0:48:590:49:03

And that's when Saskia Dutton became Saskia Critchley.

0:49:050:49:09

Right. Come on, come with me.

0:49:130:49:16

Where are we going? Raif.

0:49:180:49:22

This is the summerhouse. Mum and Dad bought it when we were small.

0:49:220:49:27

Oh, look.

0:49:270:49:29

You can imagine coming here when you were a kid.

0:49:290:49:31

Swallows And Amazons and The Famous Five all rolled into one.

0:49:310:49:35

So peaceful.

0:49:360:49:38

-HOOTER BLARES

-What the...?

0:49:380:49:39

TANNOY: 'The River Dee was a vital watercourse...'

0:49:390:49:42

Oh, that's new. 'It rises in the hills in Llanuwchllyn...'

0:49:420:49:45

Oh, bloody hell.

0:49:450:49:47

Cheap lock.

0:49:480:49:50

Wow.

0:49:550:49:57

This is...

0:49:590:50:00

Look at this.

0:50:040:50:06

They always said they'd see the world, Mum and Dad.

0:50:140:50:19

So when they died, me and Tim decided we'd do the trip for them.

0:50:190:50:24

Sold the house.

0:50:240:50:26

Bought the tickets. Head to Patagonia where they were.

0:50:270:50:31

Are.

0:50:330:50:34

I made it but...

0:50:380:50:40

Tim didn't.

0:50:400:50:42

Because he met you.

0:50:420:50:43

No, not like that. No.

0:50:450:50:47

No, I... He should have stayed.

0:50:470:50:50

Well...

0:50:500:50:51

They'd have really liked you.

0:50:560:50:58

Thank you.

0:51:000:51:02

See if you can hit that stick.

0:51:110:51:13

-Rubbish.

-Shit.

0:51:160:51:18

This is THE tree.

0:51:190:51:22

Tim could never climb it but yours truly is basically Spider-Man.

0:51:220:51:25

-Wow. Go on, then. Go on.

-Uh?

0:51:250:51:27

Go on.

0:51:270:51:28

Thank you. That's nice.

0:51:320:51:34

-Um...

-You all right?

0:51:340:51:36

Not really.

0:51:360:51:37

-Little help?

-Yeah. OK.

0:51:390:51:42

-Fuck.

-Oh, my God.

0:51:430:51:46

I wanted them to be like footprints of all my travels. So,

0:51:460:51:51

I got that in Tijuana, cool snake.

0:51:510:51:55

They say never fall in love with a stripper, but that's California.

0:51:550:51:59

Hello, Jeanie.

0:51:590:52:01

Monkeys fighting robots. That's, well, Tokyo, obviously.

0:52:010:52:05

And then up here on my chest I got this Maori guy to design,

0:52:050:52:08

it was beautiful, my mum and dad's birth signs.

0:52:080:52:12

-Oh!

-Yeah. Except it went septic so,

0:52:120:52:15

I went to Dagenham and this bloke covered it

0:52:150:52:17

with a massive fucking dragon.

0:52:170:52:19

-Oh, my God.

-Sweet, right.

0:52:190:52:22

HOOTER BLARES

0:52:220:52:24

'The River Dee was a vital watercourse for the Romans.'

0:52:240:52:26

Um, yeah. Turn that off.

0:52:260:52:30

Seriously. Turn that off.

0:52:300:52:32

And on your left you'll see the native tribes people of this area.

0:52:340:52:38

SCREAMING

0:52:380:52:39

RAIF GRUNTS AND YELLS

0:52:390:52:40

SASKIA LAUGHS

0:52:520:52:54

Rog.

0:52:540:52:56

Gina Palladia, Foregate Street.

0:52:560:52:59

We're going to do a special shot.

0:52:590:53:02

-SASKIA CHUCKLES

-Bring your guitar.

0:53:020:53:03

-OK, cue music, Rog.

-ROG PLAYS FLAMENCO

0:53:050:53:07

And here comes the bride!

0:53:070:53:10

Cock.

0:53:120:53:14

-What?

-That's what the models say. Pout, cock.

0:53:140:53:17

-Pout. Cock. Cock.

-Cock?

0:53:170:53:20

Right. Give me tigress.

0:53:200:53:23

RAIF LAUGHS

0:53:230:53:24

Ninja.

0:53:260:53:28

Er, OK, dance for me. My flamenco beauty! You must dance!

0:53:310:53:37

SASKIA SQUEALS

0:53:370:53:38

GUITAR STOPS

0:53:380:53:39

RAIF LAUGHS

0:53:390:53:41

RAIF'S LAUGHTER SUBSIDES

0:53:490:53:51

Sas?

0:53:510:53:52

SHE SOBS

0:53:520:53:54

Saskia?

0:53:540:53:56

Saskia?

0:53:570:53:59

Sas...

0:53:590:54:01

ROG: Raif! Raif!

0:54:030:54:06

Sas! Saskia!

0:54:060:54:08

Raif! What do I do? Do you want me to keep filming?

0:54:080:54:12

Sorry, mate, sorry. There you go. Sas!

0:54:120:54:15

-Raif!

-Please come back, Saskia!

0:54:150:54:17

-Saskia!

-Well, what do I do?

0:54:170:54:21

Raif!

0:54:220:54:24

Bingo.

0:54:240:54:26

Can I just say the thing that anybody would say to a woman two days before her wedding...

0:54:330:54:37

I'm not nervous.

0:54:370:54:39

All right.

0:54:390:54:41

Well, Doctor Raif's in session. Taking patients. Ding.

0:54:410:54:46

Come on.

0:54:470:54:49

I'm very compassionate.

0:54:490:54:51

Compassion's nature's way of helping ugly men find partners, so...

0:54:510:54:55

I'm unhappy - OK?

0:55:020:55:05

And it's dark.

0:55:060:55:09

Like, imagine the darkest colour you can imagine.

0:55:090:55:12

Like black but even darker.

0:55:120:55:15

Well, it's like this sticky, dark oil has been...

0:55:150:55:21

poured into my heart and it hurts.

0:55:210:55:24

And it's just this big black, smoker's lung of...

0:55:240:55:30

unhappiness just dripping with...

0:55:300:55:34

blackness.

0:55:340:55:36

Fuck.

0:55:380:55:39

Year 11. You bunked off halfway through cross country. Got on a bus,

0:55:480:55:53

just so you could see the Chemical Brothers check out of a hotel.

0:55:530:55:57

April that same year, the week Kurt Cobain died,

0:55:570:56:00

you asked if you could read in assembly,

0:56:000:56:03

but you didn't read from the Bible, you read out Nirvana,

0:56:030:56:06

even when they tried to drag you away.

0:56:060:56:08

Sports Day, you pierced your ear and it bled

0:56:110:56:13

and you cried for an hour,

0:56:130:56:16

and the little kid in the year below you,

0:56:160:56:18

bought you some ice cubes and you smiled at him.

0:56:180:56:22

And that smile stopped his heart.

0:56:220:56:24

And I'll never forget that smile.

0:56:260:56:28

-Oh...

-So any time you feel less than fantastic,

0:56:290:56:32

you remember, you're Saskia Dutton, Saskia Dutton.

0:56:320:56:36

Sorry.

0:57:020:57:04

Whoa.

0:57:070:57:08

OK.

0:57:120:57:13

They didn't?

0:57:150:57:16

Oh, they didn't. Please tell me they didn't.

0:57:180:57:21

So has someone seen them?

0:57:230:57:27

Someone definitely knows?

0:57:270:57:28

Oh, great.

0:57:300:57:32

Something wrong?

0:57:320:57:34

The Koreans who were going to do foot massage in the toilets just got deported.

0:57:360:57:41

-ROG:

-Hey, Raif.

0:57:440:57:46

What are you going to do about this? Hmm?

0:57:460:57:50

-Please tell me you're going to tell him.

-Rog, turn the camera off.

0:57:500:57:53

-No chance. This scene is far too...

-Give me the camera.

0:57:530:57:56

Hey. Old Cheshire Glory. It's his favourite. Took me ages to find it.

0:57:560:58:02

Apparently they've stopped making it. It killed too many tramps.

0:58:020:58:04

-Raif's got something to say.

-No, no. Listen, that should be me.

0:58:040:58:08

Look, I just want to say... No, no, no, I'm sorry,

0:58:080:58:11

for being arsey and stroppy, you know, with everyone.

0:58:110:58:15

It's just the wedding and the whole...

0:58:150:58:18

I took myself to one side and I gave myself a very stern talking to,

0:58:180:58:22

and you know what? Everything's fine.

0:58:220:58:26

You know, I'm fine, the wedding's all fine,

0:58:260:58:29

because I know, I'm doing the right thing. Aren't I?

0:58:290:58:35

And Saskia's all right. I mean, you'd know.

0:58:350:58:37

-He's a much better judge of women.

-Yeah... Saskia isn't...

0:58:370:58:40

Leicester. You asked me what town she was and I said Leicester.

0:58:400:58:44

She's not Leicester. She's...

0:58:480:58:50

Rio and Mardi Gras and Amsterdam and...

0:58:500:58:54

-Barcelona in the rain.

-I've never been to any of those places.

0:58:540:58:58

You don't have to now, you're marrying Saskia Dutton.

0:58:580:59:02

The world comes to you.

0:59:020:59:04

The Moyle brothers. All for one and one for all.

0:59:080:59:11

# Your woman is your angel

0:59:250:59:28

# Is your left side Your whole life

0:59:280:59:32

# And easily the most beautiful thing in your world

0:59:320:59:38

# She'll soothe you Accuse you

0:59:400:59:44

# Confuse you She'll lose you

0:59:440:59:48

# But always be the best friend you have in the world

0:59:480:59:54

# Time and space

0:59:571:00:01

# Things in their place

1:00:011:00:04

# I know it's more than a feeling

1:00:041:00:08

# Cos my love it has no ceiling for you. #

1:00:081:00:16

-Raif?

-Hey.

1:00:161:00:18

Oh. Hi, hey. Um...

1:00:181:00:22

I just wanted to say everything's fine.

1:00:231:00:25

Oh.

1:00:251:00:27

It's funny, I was just thinking how fine everything was. So...

1:00:271:00:32

Good. Um, well...

1:00:321:00:34

-that's what I came to...

-Say. And what I was just thinking.

1:00:341:00:39

Um, good.

1:00:391:00:41

Obviously a bit...

1:00:431:00:45

weird, but, um...

1:00:451:00:48

-it happens.

-Oh, all the time.

1:00:481:00:50

-Happened to me once on a ferry, which...

-What?

1:00:501:00:54

-What are you...?

-I don't know.

1:00:541:00:58

-What were you saying?

-How, in the kebab shop when I...

1:01:011:01:05

-Yeah. No, done. Erased. Don't worry.

-No, um...

1:01:051:01:10

No, I mean that there...obviously, there are things to, um...

1:01:101:01:17

to address um...

1:01:171:01:24

-for me and Tim, not...

-Oh. No, look...

1:01:241:01:26

-..and this is not the time.

-Just get this wedding out of the way.

1:01:261:01:29

And then sort out the marriage after. I mean, you don't have to sort it out.

1:01:291:01:33

-No, no, er, yeah...it's OK.

-You've got two days till the wedding.

1:01:331:01:37

-You've seen the schedule, so...

-Oh, God, bloody Jenna. She's...

1:01:371:01:42

Cool. So...

1:01:451:01:48

I guess I will see you then. So...

1:01:481:01:53

As long as you're fine.

1:01:551:01:57

-Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

-Right.

1:01:571:02:02

DOOR SHUTS

1:02:061:02:07

-You all right?

-Yeah.

1:02:101:02:13

So, have you...organised anything?

1:02:151:02:18

Well, I just thought you'd prefer, you know...

1:02:191:02:22

Well, it's just as well I booked a stripper.

1:02:241:02:27

-What?

-What?

1:02:271:02:30

We went through this. I said Tim's not going to want that sort of thing.

1:02:301:02:33

Come on, mate...

1:02:331:02:35

Tim Moyle?

1:02:351:02:37

You've been a very naughty boy.

1:02:371:02:39

-For fuck's sake.

-It's fine, Raif, calm down.

1:02:411:02:44

MUSIC PLAYS

1:02:441:02:46

You've been a very naughty boy.

1:02:461:02:49

And you know how we punish...

1:02:491:02:52

PHONE RINGS

1:02:521:02:53

Sorry, I've gotta take this.

1:02:551:02:57

Dave, just wait till I get home.

1:02:591:03:02

Sorry.

1:03:021:03:03

Oh, you naughty boy.

1:03:051:03:08

I'm going to have to take you into custody...

1:03:101:03:13

PHONE RINGS

1:03:131:03:14

Sorry.

1:03:151:03:17

Dave, I said just wait till I get home.

1:03:201:03:23

Why is my job suddenly a problem?

1:03:251:03:27

You know why I'm doing it.

1:03:301:03:33

You know! Don't you think I feel dirty?

1:03:331:03:36

-Don't you think I feel used?

-Thanks for this, Rog.

1:03:371:03:41

Come on. It's my fault he's like this.

1:03:411:03:44

Mate, I'm fine. Completely fine, don't worry. Drink!

1:03:451:03:48

Here we go. Internet. Ultimate stag night challenge list.

1:03:501:03:53

-No, no. Give it here.

-Yes.

1:03:531:03:56

Rog! We're not doing some dopey bunch of challenge...

1:03:561:04:00

Number one. Three shots in three seconds.

1:04:001:04:03

Go.

1:04:041:04:05

Number two. Join another stag party.

1:04:111:04:13

That's interesting, cos actually we thought of using those caterers.

1:04:131:04:19

Three and four, combined.

1:04:191:04:20

OK, skip that one. What's next?

1:04:241:04:27

Oi, you! You been chatting up my bird?

1:04:271:04:30

Number six, kiss a policewoman.

1:04:301:04:33

Seven, join a hen night.

1:04:361:04:38

Ow!

1:04:381:04:39

Don't do that!

1:04:391:04:42

No, sorry, ladies. Yeah.

1:04:421:04:45

I didn't like that.

1:04:451:04:47

Number nine.

1:04:471:04:49

DOORBELL RINGS

1:04:541:04:55

-No.

-It's a big candle.

1:05:001:05:02

No, this is wrong.

1:05:021:05:04

-You again?

-We're collecting for charity.

1:05:041:05:07

I've already told you to bugger off once today. Yeah, you keep running.

1:05:071:05:11

And who the fuck are you? Go on, bugger off, the lot of you.

1:05:111:05:15

RAIF CHUCKLES

1:05:151:05:16

RAIF CLEARS HIS THROAT

1:05:161:05:17

MUSIC: Air On A G String by Bach

1:05:191:05:21

So, it's the big day. Are you feeling nervous?

1:05:291:05:31

Er, well, yes, of course I'm nervous. Morning of the wedding.

1:05:311:05:35

But the skill of the planner is to remain a pool of calm.

1:05:351:05:39

-And how do you manage that?

-Well, I Can't remember what they're called,

1:05:391:05:42

but it's fine as long as you don't mix them with alcohol.

1:05:421:05:45

Mrs Critchley, how are you feeling?

1:05:451:05:47

Well, this is the big day. The day we've all been building up towards.

1:05:471:05:52

And we're suitably nervous.

1:05:521:05:54

Champagne at the ready. Excuse the curlers.

1:05:541:05:58

Fridges for ice sculptures on your left. Chocolate sculptures on your right.

1:05:581:06:01

Not now. Thank you.

1:06:011:06:03

Italian princess kind of look. Lovely, loose flowing curls.

1:06:031:06:06

Where the hell are my falcons? Round the table.

1:06:061:06:09

-Good.

-Thank you.

1:06:091:06:10

Can you get my hat from the bathroom and my bag, please?

1:06:101:06:14

Thank you very much. Hat. Thanks. Absolute frenzy.

1:06:141:06:18

Wonder if it's anything like this at Tim's house?

1:06:181:06:20

TIM SNORES

1:06:221:06:23

-ROG:

-Oh, good God. Tim? Tim, wake up.

1:06:231:06:28

It's morning, it's ten o'clock.

1:06:281:06:31

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my...

1:06:311:06:35

Raif, it's ten o'clock. Raif...

1:06:351:06:37

What the fuck am I wearing?

1:06:391:06:42

Raif? Raif?

1:06:421:06:44

Raif, it's my wedding day! Gotta get up, help me out of this.

1:06:441:06:49

-Help me, Ralf.

-No, stay still, stay still.

1:06:491:06:51

-Help me out. There's a zip.

-All right, all right.

1:06:511:06:54

I can't go to the wedding dressed like a cock.

1:06:541:06:57

Oh, goodness me. I'm getting nervous now.

1:06:571:07:00

Raif, don't finish that.

1:07:061:07:08

Sorry.

1:07:091:07:10

Put this on. Put this on.

1:07:121:07:14

50 minutes. 50 minutes till I get married.

1:07:141:07:16

Phone. Shoes! 50 minutes till I get married.

1:07:161:07:19

-WOMAN:

-It's got to feel rock solid. No, it needs to be further forward.

1:07:221:07:25

OK, is the best man's speech written down'? I need to see it.

1:07:251:07:29

Not to interfere, but just to check the language.

1:07:291:07:31

Alex says no jokes about Europeans,

1:07:311:07:33

because the Belgian Ambassador's going to be there. And also...

1:07:331:07:36

OK, out we get. As the guests approach, you smile.

1:07:361:07:40

And then you strew flowers. OK? Strewing, strewing...

1:07:401:07:43

It's important you remember the names of the ushers. Toby, Fraser and Uri.

1:07:431:07:46

He's the Ambassador's son. They need to know it's their job to marshal everyone for the photograph,

1:07:461:07:50

because the photographer says... SEATBELT ALARM PINGS

1:07:501:07:52

Sorry, what's happening? Has a tyre blown out? Have we got a spare?

1:07:521:07:56

-Where are you going?

-What's that noise?

1:07:561:07:59

Oh, no, you're not going to be sick. Don't be sick on the suit. OK? Just don't be sick on the...

1:07:591:08:03

-I have to tell you something.

-No, you don't, get back in the car.

1:08:031:08:06

-I have to confess.

-About what?

1:08:061:08:08

About me and Saskia.

1:08:081:08:10

Right. Ten minutes.

1:08:141:08:16

-So, I'll go in the first car with your gran, OK?

-Mum.

1:08:161:08:20

Don't.

1:08:201:08:21

-What?

-I know what you're going to say.

1:08:211:08:24

You do?

1:08:241:08:26

And, believe me, seeing you walk down the aisle with the man you love,

1:08:261:08:30

that'll be thanks enough for me.

1:08:301:08:32

-Wish me luck.

-Good luck. Good luck.

1:08:351:08:38

-No, get off.

-You shit, you total...

1:08:431:08:45

What are you doing?

1:08:451:08:48

-Come on, get them apart.

-All right.

1:08:501:08:54

Just calm down, yeah.

1:08:541:08:56

MAN: 'Limo one is code green. Limo one code green.

1:08:591:09:02

'Champagne to zone four. Cue aerial display. Go, go, go, go!'

1:09:021:09:08

PLANES ROAR OVERHEAD

1:09:081:09:09

Oh, look, Mother.

1:09:091:09:11

She kissed you?

1:09:181:09:21

Why?

1:09:241:09:26

-We were in the kebab shop and...

-She kissed you in a kebab shop?

1:09:261:09:29

It's because she's unhappy, Tim. That's why.

1:09:321:09:35

You know...

1:09:351:09:37

And I don't think you're very happy, either.

1:09:411:09:44

-And I think you should admit that.

-I'm fine. I told you.

1:09:441:09:47

Fine's not good enough, though.

1:09:471:09:49

Before I went travelling, you were more than fine. You were...

1:09:511:09:55

And I come back and...

1:09:551:09:57

Whatever it is that makes you happy, I'm in. But this wedding isn't it.

1:10:001:10:06

It happened because Saskia isn't happy either,

1:10:071:10:10

-and yet you're both going to turn up at that church...

-It's too late.

1:10:101:10:13

-It's not too late.

-I can't talk to her at the church...

1:10:131:10:15

-Go to the hotel, then.

-The bells are going to start in 12 minutes.

1:10:151:10:18

-She'll have left the hotel.

-She's a bride. She'll be late.

1:10:181:10:23

Right, OK. It's Saturday morning, we've gotta get across town.

1:10:251:10:28

-Roger! Get back in the car.

-Have you got the keys, keys, keys?

1:10:281:10:31

-We don't need the keys.

-Are you...

-Yes, keys, get the keys.

1:10:311:10:34

And I said,

1:10:341:10:36

"I'm practically wearing a dress, anyway,

1:10:361:10:38

"I can stand in for the bride, but not the groom."

1:10:381:10:42

HE GUFFAWS

1:10:421:10:43

Sorry, are you saying that the groom hasn't arrived, either?

1:10:451:10:48

MUSIC: I Predict A Riot by Kaiser Chiefs

1:10:501:10:52

-Are you sure it was here?

-It must have been.

1:10:521:10:54

They wouldn't have fallen out anywhere else.

1:10:541:10:56

-Got them!

-Oh, yes, well done!

1:10:561:10:59

Go, go, go!

1:10:591:11:00

Rog, get in the car! Get in the car!

1:11:061:11:09

All right, all right.

1:11:091:11:10

HORN HONKS

1:11:131:11:15

I don't believe this. You can't park there on a Saturday, mate!

1:11:151:11:19

We've gotta go. Gotta see her.

1:11:191:11:21

-Congratulations. Well done!

-Oh, piss off!

1:11:211:11:24

-Hey!

-And you.

1:11:251:11:27

Come on!

1:11:271:11:28

Beautiful.

1:11:321:11:33

OK.

1:11:371:11:38

Come on, nearly there.

1:11:461:11:48

Wait till you see the dress. She looks absolutely...

1:11:491:11:51

-What room is she in?

-She's gone.

1:11:511:11:54

She's gone. She's... She's gone!

1:11:541:11:57

'We need to put the ice sculptures out now.'

1:12:021:12:05

No, no, no, no. Let me tell you, Georgio.

1:12:051:12:07

Currently I have an ice flamingo. In two hours it'll be a goose.

1:12:071:12:11

In three hours a duck. In four hours I will be serving my guests vodka

1:12:111:12:14

-in a fucking ice puffin.

-'OK, OK.'

1:12:141:12:16

Thank you.

1:12:161:12:18

Oh, shit.

1:12:201:12:22

-Right here.

-No, it's left.

1:12:281:12:30

Right. They won't go on the motorway, it'll be on the Old Chester Road.

1:12:301:12:33

Not clear. Repeat, not clear.

1:12:331:12:35

The Ambassador's not clear for zone five.

1:12:351:12:38

The dog won't go in because of the falcons.

1:12:381:12:40

Oh, dogs are in. The dogs are in, the dogs have cleared the plane. Oh.

1:12:401:12:45

-What plane?

-Yeah, sniffer dogs. Sniffer dogs.

1:12:451:12:48

We're clear of the sniffer dogs. We are ready to board.

1:12:481:12:52

-Hang on, is that a Bentley?

-Yeah, that is a Bentley.

1:12:591:13:01

-Overtake it. Overtake it!

-All right, sorry.

1:13:011:13:04

HORN HONKS

1:13:091:13:10

-Hi.

-Hi.

1:13:181:13:20

What are you doing?

1:13:201:13:22

Um, do you want to marry me, Sas?

1:13:231:13:26

-Tim, it's our wedding day.

-Yeah, it's our wedding day.

1:13:311:13:35

It's the happiest day of our lives and,

1:13:351:13:38

we can absolutely say if we don't want it.

1:13:381:13:41

Do you want it?

1:13:451:13:46

ORGAN PLAYS SOFTLY

1:14:021:14:04

MAN: I don't know. I think so.

1:14:111:14:13

Oh, Jenna. Jenna, I need... Jen, um... OK, OK. Er...

1:14:161:14:22

It's just I think...between you and me, we might have a bit of an emergency.

1:14:221:14:28

No, don't say that word. Ever.

1:14:281:14:33

Sh.

1:14:331:14:35

Please be seated, madam. Thank you.

1:14:351:14:37

Oxygen masks will fall.

1:14:371:14:41

Ambassador.

1:14:411:14:42

CHURCH BELLS RING

1:14:431:14:45

Saskia.

1:14:521:14:53

Are you OK?

1:14:551:14:57

I just think we need to talk.

1:14:571:14:59

-Are you OK?

-I'm fine.

1:14:591:15:01

When, I mean...

1:15:011:15:03

How...

1:15:031:15:05

I mean... Tim, why now?

1:15:051:15:08

I told him.

1:15:081:15:10

-What?

-What happened in the kebab shop.

1:15:171:15:19

Tim...

1:15:311:15:33

You bastard.

1:15:341:15:36

-You stupid, dumb, idiot, bastard.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1:15:371:15:40

Oh, God. Why did you do this?

1:15:401:15:43

Because it was the right thing to do.

1:15:431:15:45

If you want to marry Tim, be my guest. Those are your bells, your cars,

1:15:451:15:49

half a mile from here a wedding with your names written all the way through it.

1:15:491:15:53

But you...

1:15:551:15:56

you are the most decent, wittiest, loveliest bloke,

1:15:561:16:00

a brother could ever ask for. And you are the girl who got me through school.

1:16:001:16:03

If I'm really honest, life, probably.

1:16:031:16:07

So, it's about time that the people in those two cars manned up,

1:16:071:16:10

started being really honest with each other, and bail!

1:16:101:16:14

Because, for God's sake, if you don't,

1:16:141:16:17

the light in the two people that I love the most...

1:16:171:16:20

..goes out.

1:16:221:16:24

Um...

1:16:241:16:25

Yeah, I may have just told you I love you,

1:16:271:16:30

and I probably should have told you that before you were stood here,

1:16:301:16:33

in the middle of a field, on the way to marry my brother but um...

1:16:331:16:36

if it's any consolation, I literally only just realised that myself. So there we are.

1:16:361:16:41

I love you.

1:16:411:16:42

Does this mean I don't have to give a speech?

1:16:511:16:54

QUARTET PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

1:16:561:16:58

She's not coming, is she?

1:17:031:17:05

Well, there we go.

1:17:071:17:09

I rather feared sending her to finishing school,

1:17:091:17:12

was like painting varnish on a diseased toenail.

1:17:121:17:15

-Mum...

-Welcome to my world, Alex.

1:17:151:17:17

Welcome to a lifetime of publicly apologising for your daughter.

1:17:171:17:21

I think I'll leave you to work out

1:17:231:17:25

what you're going to say to everyone.

1:17:251:17:27

QUARTET STOPS

1:17:551:17:57

There's something I have to tell you and it's not going to be...

1:18:011:18:04

RUSHING FOOTSTEPS

1:18:041:18:06

QUARTET PLAYS

1:18:101:18:12

Please remain in your seats until the captain has turned the seat belt signs off, please.

1:18:151:18:19

Thank you.

1:18:191:18:21

Dearly beloved,

1:18:271:18:29

we are gathered here today,

1:18:291:18:32

to join together in holy matrimony,

1:18:321:18:35

Saskia,

1:18:351:18:37

and Tim.

1:18:371:18:38

Uh... We're not.

1:18:381:18:39

GASPS

1:18:391:18:41

Um, ladies and gentlemen...

1:18:441:18:47

..hi.

1:18:481:18:49

Alex. Des. You made me feel like part of a family,

1:18:511:18:57

at a time in my life when I most needed one.

1:18:571:19:01

Thank you.

1:19:021:19:04

But...

1:19:051:19:07

that's no reason to marry your daughter.

1:19:071:19:09

There's only one reason why a couple should do that.

1:19:111:19:14

Fortunately, there's a couple here who know why,

1:19:151:19:19

and, fortunately,

1:19:191:19:23

they're both very close to me.

1:19:231:19:25

GASPS

1:19:301:19:31

Raif.

1:19:351:19:37

Pronounced like a dog throwing up.

1:19:371:19:39

LAUGHTER

1:19:391:19:40

Raif!

1:19:401:19:42

Are we...

1:19:481:19:50

Are you sure about this?

1:19:531:19:55

-WHISPERS:

-Well, it wouldn't be legal. You know, we haven't had the banns read.

1:20:151:20:19

-We've got the audience here, so...

-There's gotta be a bit of it you can do.

1:20:201:20:25

Do you think maybe you could improvise?

1:20:251:20:29

It would almost be like being... an actor.

1:20:291:20:32

Dearly beloved...

1:20:431:20:44

APPLAUSE

1:20:441:20:46

..we are gathered here today,

1:20:481:20:51

to join in holy matrimony,

1:20:511:20:54

Saskia and Raif!

1:20:541:20:57

'We got married. I know, what the hell were we thinking?

1:21:041:21:09

'But, honestly, it was the greatest day.

1:21:101:21:13

'Not that the rest of the day went without a hitch.

1:21:151:21:18

'Saskia forgot that her bouquet was largely made of metal.'

1:21:181:21:21

CLUNK

1:21:211:21:22

GASPS

1:21:221:21:23

'Patricia put on a fur hat and got attacked by a falcon.'

1:21:251:21:29

-..worse than it is...

-I don't care whether it looks worse or not. It's extremely embarrassing.

1:21:291:21:33

Fucking ridic... I'm sorry, Vicar.

1:21:331:21:36

'And somebody turned on the overhead fan during the butterfly release.

1:21:361:21:40

'But the best bit was the father-of-the-bride speech.'

1:21:421:21:46

MAN: Go on, Des.

1:21:491:21:50

It's all right. It's all right, love.

1:22:011:22:04

It's all right.

1:22:041:22:05

When I was my daughter's age I ran away from home,

1:22:081:22:12

to the Isle of Man.

1:22:121:22:14

And there I met a Frenchman who showed me a bit of tenderness,

1:22:151:22:18

bit of compassion.

1:22:181:22:20

Went on to show me several other things, including his,

1:22:201:22:24

camp-site, his tent, his genitals.

1:22:241:22:28

But to that boy,

1:22:281:22:30

whoever he was,

1:22:301:22:33

and I've genuinely no idea,

1:22:331:22:36

and to my mother,

1:22:361:22:39

I owe everything.

1:22:391:22:41

Because that combination,

1:22:421:22:45

of coldness and warmth,

1:22:451:22:49

meant that I ended up with this.

1:22:491:22:52

You know, when a bride's late for her wedding,

1:22:551:22:58

most normal women assume it's an attack of nerves but,

1:22:581:23:02

I genuinely thought that history had repeated itself,

1:23:021:23:06

that she might have done a runner from me and found her Isle of Man,

1:23:061:23:10

and gone. And I wouldn't have blamed her because,

1:23:101:23:15

I made that mistake we so often make.

1:23:151:23:18

I'd grown to be more like my parent,

1:23:191:23:23

when I should have grown more like my child.

1:23:231:23:27

I expect you've spotted that,

1:23:301:23:33

Saskia didn't marry Tim.

1:23:331:23:35

She didn't even legally get married. I don't actually know what happened but,

1:23:351:23:39

I don't care. I don't care.

1:23:391:23:43

I just want you to be happy.

1:23:441:23:46

And just come shopping with me sometimes.

1:23:481:23:51

APPLAUSE

1:23:511:23:52

MUSIC: I Believe In A Thing Called Love, by The Darkness

1:23:541:23:57

'So, there we are, then. The end of my wedding video.

1:24:131:24:17

'Not what I thought I was making when I started.

1:24:171:24:20

'I mean, I did have a hunch how it would end.

1:24:201:24:23

'With the groom looking at the bride,

1:24:231:24:25

'knowing that he is the luckiest man on earth.

1:24:251:24:28

'That shot.'

1:24:291:24:30

# Every day is a reminder... #

1:24:361:24:40

That's it, cross-check and doors to manual.

1:24:401:24:44

# Every day is a reminder

1:24:441:24:47

# We ain't nothing but some

1:24:471:24:50

# If you cough up your smoke cos your habit's a joke

1:24:501:24:55

# Da-da-da-da don't stop now

1:24:551:24:58

# If you seize the day... #

1:24:581:25:00

So we sit down, we do an interview and we draw up a character profile,

1:25:001:25:04

and then we match the flowers direct to your personality.

1:25:041:25:07

-Anyone ever come back as a cactus?

-No.

1:25:071:25:10

Triffid?

1:25:101:25:11

-Yes, madam?

-Cauliflower?

1:25:111:25:15

About eight-and-a-half inches. Yeah.

1:25:151:25:18

I'm just kidding.

1:25:181:25:20

# We're nothing but some matter

1:25:201:25:23

# Every day... #

1:25:261:25:30

I now take you as Mrs Frodo Baggins.

1:25:301:25:34

Oh, bugger, wrong ring.

1:25:341:25:36

Thank you.

1:25:381:25:40

I need a lake. I need a lake and a pond.

1:25:401:25:43

Right, ready, go!

1:25:461:25:49

Ow!

1:25:501:25:52

-Everything all right, gentlemen?

-Er, yes, thank you, lovely.

1:26:021:26:05

# Your woman is your angel

1:26:121:26:16

# Your left side is your whole life

1:26:161:26:20

# And easily, the most beautiful thing in your world... #

1:26:201:26:27

I can't believe you wrote that just for me.

1:26:321:26:35

Every word.

1:26:371:26:38

Cut!

1:26:451:26:47

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