A Long Way Down

This programme contains strong language

DOOR OPENS

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I decided to kill myself.

That's the trouble with suicides, I've learned,

you can't cut the long story short.

Because it's the long story that people are interested in.

Especially if you're me.

Which, regrettably, I was and still am to this day.

So, forgive me if you already knew this

but I'm Martin Sharp, the man who had everything.

One wife, two children, three dogs

At least four People's Choice Awards, and five mornings a week

on the most successful breakfast show in Britain.

Hm. They were even offering me Mondays off.

So far, so good.

I have reached middle age, unscathed,

with money in the bank.

Until I met Susie Jenkins

at a launch for a new men's moisturizer.

All I can say, in my defence, Your Honour,

is that she looked 25 to me, but she wasn't.

Cue, in chronological order, tabloid frenzy,

a short prison sentence, divorce, disgrace, demolition.

'Doors closing.'

New Year's Eve is supposed to be a pause

for breath, a punctuation mark.

Well, I had come to a full stop. Really.

Why wouldn't I want to throw myself off the top of a tall building?

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Hi, um...

I'm not entirely sure how to phrase this, but um...

Are you going to be long?

-What?

-I wasn't sure whether to wait my turn, or...

But I hadn't considered the wire. I'd really like to borrow your ladder?

Maybe I should just wait... I'll wait.

-You're just gonna stand there and watch?

-No, no, of course.

You'll, you'll be wanting to do it on your own, I imagine.

You imagine right.

-I'll go there...

-Right.

I'll give you a shout on the way down.

All right.

Oh!

I can't...

Maybe you should go first?

I would want to be on my own... completely.

Understood... 20 minutes...

Then I want my spot back.

-Right.

-OK.

-0h!

-Oh!

Maureen.

Martin.

Are you from... Uh, I recognise your face.

-Oh, do you?

-Are you married to someone in a pop group?

No.

-Are you on TV?

-Maureen...

perhaps this is not the best time to talk about this.

DOOR OPENS

-Out of my way, you bastards!

-No, stop, stop, calm!

-Who the fuck are you?

-Maureen, help.

-What do you want me to do?

-Hold her legs.

You're getting a thrill out of this, aren't you, you pervert!

-Oh, my God!

-What?

You're Martin Sharp! You are a pervert, officially!

Oh! That's it! "Rise and shine with Martin and Penny!"

Just let me...

PHONE RINGS

What? What?

Hi.

Um...any of you guys order a pizza...?

Well, shall we do introductions?

I'm Jess.

Everyone calls me Jess.

I'm Maureen.

-I'm JJ.

-I'm...

-Martin Sharp.

-Yes.

It's very exciting to have a celebrity in our suicidal midst.

-This is wrong.

-All right, well we could just

do a one, two, three, jump!

THUD

CAR ALARM WAILS

'I wouldn't have minded

'if it had been the proverbial cry for help,

'but, believe me, you don't cart a ladder up 15 flights of stairs on

'a freezing cold New Year's Eve, unless you're serious.'

Nice to meet you.

'It was just another debacle, another cock-up.

'I'd have believed you if you told me half an hour before that I'd end up ON my car...

'but not IN it!'

'And I absolutely knew, with every fibre of my being,

'that I wouldn't be seeing any of those freaks and misfits again.

'I didn't know what they were doing up there.

'And I didn't want to find out, thank you very much.

'I had no interest, whatsoever'

Oh, fuck!

'Do I regret stopping to pick her up?

'Well, that really is a long story.'

Want a lift?

No, no. The bus will be long... in 15 minutes.

Get in the car, Maureen.

I did like your television show.

What are you doing?

Ah, it's a bit early for a reunion, isn't it?

Get in the car, we're taking you home.

So this is...jolly.

OK. one word answers.

Everyone has one word to explain why they were up in the roof in the first place.

For example, Martin might say... "notoriety".

-Maureen might say "loneliness".

-I'm not lonely.

-Tell that to your cats.

-I don't have cats.

I was up there because I felt... helpless.

Helpless! That's a very good adjective!

Are we not filling in to your pre-ordained boxers, Jess?

Actually, you fill your one marvellously, Martin.

Was prison fun?

You really believe you have an answer for everything, don't you?

I really believe that you are a miserable bastard, yes.

Actually right now, a miserable bastard

is exactly what I am, have I not been hiding it well?

-Pizza boy?

-JJ.

Why might pizza boy want to die?

What would be your reason, Jess?

My reason would be love.

Chas, Chas the dickhead, he spurned me.

I am a spurned woman.

Cancer.

I was up there because I have cancer.

-I have an inoperable cancer.

-We have a winner!

It's fucking brilliant, very impressed, is it um...

an embarrassing cancer?

Brain... CCR.

I'm sorry, JJ.

Yeah... Colon would have been better.

Oh...we're here.

Here? You live here?

No, but Chas is likely to be here.

And I've got a couple of things I want to say to him.

Good luck with your next attempt. See you in the afterlife.

Yes, goodnight.

Unhappy little thing, isn't she?

I should have known... The most popular place in London

for suicides, and the most popular night for suicides.

I should've known, I wouldn't be alone.

I don't know why she thought I have cats.

And she certainly swears too much, but...

Go on Maureen, just say.

I just um... should she be alone?

THUMPING MUSIC

Martin, you, uh... you go that way,

-I'm going there.

-No, no, I can't do this.

What else are we gonna do? Hey, what else are we gonna do?

And Maureen um, you check... you check the bathrooms.

Look the bathrooms, bathrooms. OK, go.

I'm looking for a girl called Jess. Jess!

I'm looking for a girl called Jess. Jess?

Hi! I'm looking for...

Hi!

-I'm looking for...

-Hi!

I'm looking for a girl... Jess.

Good... Great... Perfect.

ALL: 16, 15, 14,

13, 12, 11 o'clock, ten o'clock,

nine, eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one... Happy New Year!

Hi!

Hmm!

-You're hiding too, are you?

-Yeah.

I... I've taken some pills.

It's all good. What are you hiding from?

Oh, you know, humans, humanity, life. You?

A nutter who's trying to kill me.

Your reason's better than mine, then. And where is this nutter?

-She's everywhere...

-Ah, God-like, is she?

I was just hoping I was in a bad pill.

Um...cos she's not supposed to be here, but I'm pretty sure I've just seen her.

Um, I'm pretty sure I've seen you on breakfast TV, so...

Maybe I'm actually having a good pill...

-You're Chas, aren't you?

-How'd you know that?

I'm here with the...nutter.

Chas, Chas, Chas! Still, still, listen, listen.

Let's just...

go find her together, huh? I mean, What's the worst that could happen?

She tried to kill me twice, got me arrested once.

I'm banned from three pubs, two clubs and a cinema.

-OK.

-Just let me leave quietly.

-All right. OK...

-I've done nothing wrong.

Nothing wrong?! Taking her to bed!

Nothing wrong. Where is she? Where's Jess?

We need to find her. You need to talk to her.

She won't talk. She just chases me with a bread knife.

Oh, and tonight she was prepared to end her life because of what you did to her.

-Maureen, don't.

-Just?

Yeah, that's where we met her, the top of a tower block

-Preparing to...

-What?

Hey, hey, it's Jess. Come on.

-How's she doing?

-Hey.

Do you know what did she took?

I don't know. Drugs, alcohol, you know, the usual.

-Are you the father?

-No, I... No!

-I need to know her name.

-Uh, she's called Jess.

-Sir, I need her full name.

-None of us knew her before tonight.

You need to wait here.

She's got no identification on her no, nothing.

Yeah, well she probably didn't want to make identification easy.

She likes things, you know... difficult.

Uhm... Hospitals, not a fan. Good drugs, though.

Mm.

Late for something?

No, I just, have to make sure I'm home to make Matty some breakfast.

-Matty?

-My son.

-You have a son?

-Yes.

His breakfast is... quite complicated.

I don't... Um. look, if I'm not going to die tonight,

it's important that he doesn't know anything that happened.

Here she comes.

Oh, boy!

OK. Just got a few things to clarify...

Number one, my gown's open-backed,

because they've stolen my clothes.

So I'm gonna do a twirl for you right now, and you can have a look at my ass.

Just once, it's not my best feature,

but that's something that you'll probably find out the more we get to know one another.

Number two...

It really, it wasn't an overdose. It was just an accident.

Honestly, I took all these pills

and then... I took some more, but it was just for fun.

I'd never kill myself by taking pills.

I'd probably do something really cool like,

jumping off the top of a tower block.

Jess, we were worried.

I was, was I at number three, or... I think I was at number four.

I just wanted to say, thank you so much for caring.

Because I really um, I really, really appreciate it.

He was worried, I was trying to work out what we are still doing here.

So, now number five. I think I was on number five...or six... Fuck!

Is it just me?

Because it's really fucking cold out here, guys.

It's really cold.

Come here.

Come on in.

Yes.

Thanks.

Hey!

When is the next day after New Year's Eve,

-when everybody kills themselves?

-Why?

Valentine's day.

That's six weeks away.

OK, here's the deal. Nobody kills themselves until then.

Why? I mean, why would we wanna do that?

Why wouldn't we not want to kill ourselves if and when and how we want, huh?

What's the alternative? It's some sort of race to the finish,

it's me, checking the obituaries every week

to see if Martin Sharp is dead.

No offence, guys, but...

I don't think your deaths would really make the papers.

Come on, six weeks.

It's not such a ridiculous idea.

Yes, Maureen, has anybody got a pen? Can I have some paper as well.

Paper.

Great, thanks.

The undersigned,

do hereby promise... not to kill themselves...

before Valentine's day.

Maureen, sign just wherever you like.

Pizza boy?

-But...

-You're dying anyway. Hm?

Martin Sharp.

Life saver... Superman.

Six weeks, Martin.

We'll push you off the top ourselves,

if it makes any difference.

It'll be a little Valentine's day treat.

Pretty sure we're all gonna live to regret this.

Guys...look.

So this is a new year, then.

Yeah...

Hang on, Maureen, just a fucking question here,

Have we just written our pact on the back of your suicide note?

Oh, yes, there is that.

LAUGHING

'My mom always likes to repeat this story of me as a kid

'being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up.

'I always used to say - invisible. I don't know quite what prompted it,

'but the thought of it stuck with me.

'It was only later that I found out

'that invisibility is in fact a technical possibility.

'It was in this book that my sister stole from the library

'and I stole from my sister.

'I followed her into crime,

'though she was better than me.

'She always sort of glowed innocence,

'whereas I, to this day, just sort of radiate guilt.

'Anyway, to be invisible is easy.

'You just have to find a way to diffract light.'

TYRES SCREECH

Whoa. Are you trying to get yourself killed?!

'I haven't managed it yet, but I'm working on it.

'I didn't just follow him, I followed all of them.

'And it wasn't stalking.

'You stalk a deer in order to kill it, mount it, stick it on your wall

'and tell the story of how fucking brilliant you are with a shotgun.

'I didn't wanna kill any of them.

'I certainly didn't have any interest in mounting them.

'And I don't own a shotgun... though I'd like one.

'I just wanted to check in, invisibly,

'to check if they're sticking to the pact.

'That's not stalking, it's barely even espionage.'

PHONE RINGS

OK... Now I know why you're ringing.

Pink flamingos fly north on Tuesday.

Hello, Jess.

This is top spy location, Dad. It's hugely inconspicuous.

Look... Um...

This is a situation, I've invited a...

A situation? That's what you're referring to it as?

-How else would you refer to it?

-I don't know, Dad.

-You did what you did...

-Yes, I tried to kill myself.

Jess, please don't put words in my mouth. This is hard enough.

-Is it, Dad?

-Yes.

Why are we doing this here? Why can't we just do this at home?

Because the press will be there and I'm trying to protect you.

Oh, well, you've always been really great at that, haven't you?

-Jess...

-What the hell are you doing here?

-Um... I was invited.

-You were invited?

Politician's daughter. What a surprise!

I called his agent. I thought we should talk.

-You called his agent.

-He was delighted, first call he'd in a while..

Was it you? Who went to the press.

No! I've been trying to figure it out myself, but...

JJ?

He's too shy. It's not Maureen.

No, no...

Hey, it was fucking Chas! Chas sold us!

My ex-wife rang this morning, wanted to know what I'd done.

Asking me what she should tell the children.

Oh, I'm gonna fucking kill him.

She told me, I seem to be the only person in the whole world that the press gets bang on.

If they say I've slept with a 15-year-old, I generally have.

If they say I've contemplated suicide, I generally have.

Yes, I read about you with the... girl.

You haven't...you two haven't?

You're asking whether we've slept together?

-You think that I've...

-Martin! At least I'm legal.

Yes, I value our friendship too much to complicate it.

Do you plan to maintain your relationship with Jess?

Yeah, of course he will. We're in a gang.

-We're not in a gang.

-You signed a pact!

Oh, yes, of course the pact, how could I forget?

Yes, Jess and I are friends for life now!

Now look, Martin, I'm sure I didn't have to tell someone

with your media training...

that what we have here, is a media firestorm.

Yes, gentlemen, this is a media firestorm.

-I'll leave you to it.

-Jess!

Why don't you invite him to our family therapy? You could do that

Why don't you pay him to be you, Dad?

Martin doesn't want my money.

You don't, do you?

Has anyone ever told you you're a bit of an idiot?

I'm a politician. That's all they ever tell me.

-All right.

-Yep.

-Good luck.

-Yes.

Miss Crichton, a statement?

Why did you choose New Year's Eve?

Please, just one question.

This is the second tragedy for the Crichton family

after the disappearance older sister Jennifer, two years ago.

Jennifer was never found and you have to wonder

how Shadow Education Secretary Chris Crichton,

will cope with this new strain upon him.

# Tragedy

# When the feeling's gone and you can't go on

# It's tragedy

# When the morning cries and you don't know why

# It's hard to bear

# With no-one to love you you're going nowhere

# Ba ba ba bam

# Tragedy... #

Jess?

KNOCKS ON DOOR

Can I come in?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Can I come in, Jess?

Where did she go now?

Jess?

# I am lost in a rainbow

# Now our rainbow is gone

# Overcast by your shadow

# As our worlds move on

# In this shirt I can be you

# To be near you for a while

# There's a crane knocking down

# All these things that we were

# I awake in the night

-# To hear the engines pout...

-#

-Hello.

-Come...enter.

Wow!

Jess, this is Matty...my son.

I mean... Wow...

-You just... you completely wowed me!

-Jess...

What's it mean? "Wow"?

Like wow, this is what you've been hiding in here.

Jess, enough!

Sorry...

I wasn't leaving him, that night, there was...

Maureen, no-one is accusing you of anything.

Social services would've been forced to pay for proper care.

I mean the standard of care they could provide... It's better.

And I don't hide him. I've never hidden him, never.

Can we get back to the matter in hand?

Yeah, we're all here to figure out how to get them to leave us all alone.

OK, I had um, three of them call my cell today.

How did they even get my number?

Yeah, how did Chas even remember you?

Is Chas behind this?

Yeah, I mean you're quite cute, but you're infinitely forgettable.

They won't...leave us alone.

They'll find out where you live, where Maureen lives...

-What, they'll be here?

-So, I've been thinking...

-What if we shift the goal posts?

-Goal posts?

Yeah, make it our story, not theirs.

I mean there's even a possibility that we might

be able to make some uh, money out of it.

-Money?

-Yeah, money, that would be good for Matty, wouldn't it?

I'm sure JJ would like a break from pizzas.

And as an unemployed, disgraced talk show host, I could certainly do with it.

I don't want Matty in the papers.

We can't stop that.

But at least this way... we won't lose out entirely.

-By telling our story...

-What story?

We went up and came back down again.

They've sold newspapers off our backs.

Isn't it time we got something out of it.

I...

-Yes, OK.

-Good. Great.

You? Eh?

Yeah, I mean...if you think it's right, Martin, I'm in.

I'm fine financially. Cos, you know, I got my dad to nick from.

Oh...

But...if we were to make the story, a fun one.

Let me tell you a story.

We're up there... and we were ready to go...

And we felt this presence.

I would describe it...as a light.

An ethereal glowing.

It was an angel.

We were visited by an angel. And it looked like Matt Damon.

Matt Damon.

Oh, fuck it. Yeah, I'm with her.

-It looked like Matt Damon.

-Who's Matt Damon?

No, it wasn't really a physical angel, it was more of a uh...

Is that what Jess told you? What else did she say?

And he was naked, and he said, he literally decreed, "Thou shall not die tonight."

-I mean, this is Matt Damon, the naked angel.

-What?

Maybe we shouldn't write all of this down. Can I talk to your editor?

-He used to be a good mate of mine.

-An actor?

What films has he been in?

You're not actually going to print this, are you?

Yeah, yeah, no, that's how it went.

I had an interesting thing happen today.

Did you? Let me guess.

Your second daughter humiliated you

on the pages of the national press?

Actually no. I was in the members' bar...

And somebody came up to you, and said, "Chris was that your daughter,

"on pages of the national press?"

People have laughed at me for a long time,

but I did prefer it when they didn't laugh at you.

An angel...you told them you saw an angel.

Chris.

And did it look like Jennifer? Is that what you were going to say?

No.

No, Dad... I didn't tell them it looked like Jennifer.

I told them that it looked like Matt Damon.

Zoom in on camera two...

Three, two, one...

Many of us have been transfixed

by the story of the Topper House Four and the angel that visited them.

And we are so lucky here on "Rise and Shine with Penny"

to have them with us in the studio today.

One of them certainly needs no introduction, Martin, Martin Sharp, my old co-host.

Penny, it's an honour to be back on this old sofa again with you

and I'd really like to take this opportunity to correct a few misconceptions

-about this so-called angel...

-And we will absolutely have time for that, Martin,

but it would be remiss of me not to begin the interview

with a bit of background on what's been happening to you in the last 12 months.

Yes, well...

Yes, well, Penny, currently I'm juggling various job opportunities,

concentrating on being a father.

And before that I was imprisoned, but what we would actually like to talk to you about

is what we allegedly saw on the roof...

And of course the reason that you were imprisoned

was for an inappropriate relationship with an under-aged girl?

That's right, Penny.

And this incident, this sex offence,

led you to lose your job, your home, your family, and finally,

drove you to suicidal feelings.

That's right, Penny.

Which is, of course, where he met you lovely people...

Yeah, we all met up there.

And where you saw your angel that looked like Matt Damon?

-Tell me more.

-Hi, sorry.

It wasn't an angel. It was more of a light.

-We never agreed on an angel!

-Now, Jess...

I really... Talk to the other people before you...

We know you mostly through your father,

Shadow Education Secretary, Chris Crichton.

You should probably talk to JJ, because he is really interesting.

I'm sure he is... I'm sure you're all fascinating.

But Jess, our sympathies lie particularly with you

because of the devastating disappearance of your sister Jennifer.

Ah, you should talk to Maureen. Um...

Her son lives in a cage.

But Jess, let's focus on you... It's OK.

Were you close?

Penny, why don't you ask someone else a question?

My old co-host still trying to co-host me there.

Jess, tell me, was that what drove you up there?

Jennifer's disappearance? It must have been so painful.

I can see you're getting upset. You must have felt so alone.

I said talk to Maureen, bitch!

Many apologies. As you can see...

Why didn't you fucking listen to me?!

I told you to fucking listen to me.

Jess! Jess, come back!

It's you!

Hey, I was just checking to see if you're, uh...you're OK.

Yeah, never better, champ.

That right?

You going to keep following me?

You know where you're going?

Yeah, I know where I'm going, I'm going where I always go.

Yeah?

Can you walk beside me, not behind me, cos my ass isn't my best feature.

Yeah, you, uh...you mentioned that.

This is where she parks it.

-Parks what?

-Mum's car.

My car.

It was going to be my car when Jen went to university.

Found the car... Didn't find her.

You know, just gone.

Perhaps she learned how to be invisible.

It must be tough.

My dad organised this nationwide search.

Really really got into it.

Mum...from the beginning, just gave up hope.

Anyway...at least I don't have cancer.

Yeah... Yeah...

You don't have cancer, do you?

What?

I can see it. I can tell.

If I look healthy, it's because of the drug regimen I'm on right now.

I've never seen you take a single pill.

Well, the drug regimen is pretty minimal.

JJ...I'm a professional liar.

You're not even a competent one.

It just came out, you know... I wanted to...

I couldn't take it back, so...

You were going to jump, weren't you?

-You weren't just delivering pizzas and then you got too polite.

-Yes, I was...

I was gonna jump, yeah.

Why?

Why? Um...

It's a simple enough question, JJ.

You're a paedophile! Like Martin!

What are the chances of that?

Four suicidalists, one roof, two of them paedophiles,

That's practically a convention.

I know, I shouldn't have lied. It's just...

cancer seemed...easier.

You're a strange guy, JJ.

Fuck it. I'm stranger.

I like coming, hang out the place where my sister disappeared.

Look.

What?

Swifts. You know my favourite thing about swifts?

They nest on the wing.

They're born and then they're fed and...

the moment they leave the birth place, they don't come down for two years

until they're ready to trade other baby swifts.

Oh, my gosh...

You're a bird watcher! That's why you wanted to kill yourself...

You know, I understand now.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

Good, good.

One elephant. Two elephants...

Three elephants. Four elephants...

One elephant. Two elephants...

-Three elephants...

-ALARM BUZZES

Fuck!

'My first band was called Geppetto.

'We were a grunge band, after grunge had long been forgotten.

'Timing has never been my strong suit.

'We came third in the Idaho state Battle of the Bands.

'We got our pictures in the paper. And I was recognised in the mall.

'For me, that was fame.

'But fame like this. The "Topper House Four".'

Suicide again, then, is it?

-Hi, Gladys...

-There's press still about.

Yeah.

'In a mere three weeks we not only not died,

'but we've been on the front pages of all the tabloids

'and led many people to believe again in the existence of angels.

'Or at least Jess had.

'We even had questions asked about us in parliament,

'though that might have been just to embarrass Jess' dad.

'It was Martin who suggested getting away.

'He said we'd be like Butch and Sundance.

'Jess reminded him that didn't work out so well for them.

'But it seemed like a good idea, get away and hope

'that by the time we got back

'we'd be forgotten and the world would be a kinder place...

'to us and for us.

'I wish I had thought life a better option than death.

'but I didn't and wishing wasn't going to fix it.

'To quote one of Geppetto's songs -

'"I don't mind the pain. It's the hope that kills me."

'Yeah, we were pretty deep.'

OK, fiver says punches the end of the holiday.

-Punches?

-Like kicks, or slaps, or tickles.

One of us will use physical violence against one of the others, before the week's out.

-OK.

-This holiday is going to be disaster.

-I hope so.

-So who's looking after Matty, Maureen?

No-one she's just left food in the fridge and some wet wipes by the bed.

I'm sure the break would do you both a world of good.

Yeah, that's what Dr Stephens said. He's taking him for a week's observation.

Your boarding pass, ma'am.

Your boarding pass with your flight details on it.

You were handed it at check-in.

-This?

-And your passport.

OK.

There you go.

Thank you very much.

Maureen? Maureen!

-Uh, no, sorry, you can't go back.

-Maureen, stop!

It's just a trip!

Just a trip till all this press nonsense blows over.

-It's just for the best.

-I know, it's just all too much.

I don't know you.

And I don't travel well...and I've never been on a plane before.

You've never been on a plane before?

Shut up, Jess.

-Maureen, if you're afraid of flying...

-I'm not afraid of flying,

it's just um... I didn't want to be in the papers,

and I didn't want to be on TV and I don't want to be here now. I just...

I just want to go back to my old life, OK?

Well, your old life wasn't very good. Maureen.

Look, we made a pact.

TANNOY: 'This is the final call, that's the final call for flight 0342 to Tenerife.

'Will all remaining passengers please make their way to Gate C38...'

It's gonna be fine.

Come on.

MUSIC: I Found You by Alabama Shakes

To a good holiday!

Good afternoon! My name is Angelo and I will be your waiter.

Well, sometimes I will. Other times I will be theirs.

Just a joke. But real, but a joke.

Hello, Angelo.

So, you're from England? How nice.

Yeah, you knew that, Angelo, you just talked English to us.

I did, I did... He always this clever, your husband?

-He's not her husband.

-Let me guess...

- You're all lovers, right? - What?

Yes, right. we are!

Yes, right.

I bring Vaseline and Maureen always brings the dildo.

Someone told me a joke about Vaseline once,

but I can't entirely remember.

Oh, Maureen, you must keep drinking until you remember...

We're happy.

Oh...the sun is so fierce.

And the sea is so sparkly and blue...

Oh, Maureen, tell me that you've seen the sea before?

Yes, I've seen the sea before.

Hey, are we going in?

-No.

-Of course we are!

-But we're not on our swimming costumes!

-Underwear will be fine.

You are dangerous!

I do not want... No, no, no. Please no!

-Come on, take it!

-Are you ready?

-Come on, come on, come on!

Keep going, keep going, eh!

Hey...hi.

Hey.

Maureen just called me up on the hotel phone.

Surprised to have her own bathroom.

She thinks this place is the height of luxury.

Yeah, it is kinda cool, huh?

Cheapest place I've stayed in for 20 years.

Yeah?

It doesn't feels strange, does it? Us, being away together.

No...no, it feels good.

I thought I knew what I was doing with press...and then...

Then what? Jess smacked down?

No, not at all, then I realised I got it all wrong, I thought people would like it.

I thought we'd make money and people would find it

-eccentric, and heart-warming.

-Heart-warming?

Four people survived suicide, find hope,

blah, blah...

I mean, it's the kind of good news story the press love.

But... I underestimated how much they hate me.

This is not just about you, Martin.

You know... I envy you.

You, your cancer, I mean it's so... cut and dry.

No, really, really, JJ, I am so impressed with you.

I mean, you hardly let it phase you.

And that is something to drink to. Here you go.

Put hairs on your chest.

Your health.

You know what I feel when I wake up in the mornings?

Humiliated.

Do you know what I feel at lunchtime? Humiliated.

My life is a constant stream of humiliation.

I don't feel sad, I don't feel angry, I just feel...

humiliated.

Yeah...

To humiliation.

OK. God gives you three wishes.

Ah! God is not a tombola machine, Martin.

-He doesn't just give wishes.

-Three wishes. Anything you want.

That's easy. Billions of pounds, and...

My own personal hit man, and...

A court waiver over anything I want to do.

Really?

I... I want a bit more...help.

A bit more of a...life.

What's a bit more of a life?

Just what other people...have.

What do other people have?

And I wish my son all better. That's why I don't do wishes.

I'd want to be famous again. The right kind of famous.

I mean, being famous is great.

Everyone thinks it's difficult, but it's not.

I mean, you get to have best seats in restaurants,

People smile at you on planes... it's great.

Whatever you do, you feel vindicated by your own fame.

And you never...ever feel humiliated.

Well, certainly better than real life.

Wow, you're so deep.

-No, just honest.

-Martin, it's...

What? You're nothing if you're not noticed.

OK, fame or your kids?

-Hmmm.

-C'mon, you don't mean that.

Don't I?

OK, this is a bad game.

OK...wonder what JJ would choose, as his three wishes,

cos obviously you'd want to cure your cancer, for a start.

Now, I'm gonna go use the restroom.

Then you'd probably want loads of money so

that you could donate it to cancer research.

You know other people are allowed to be in pain.

You know that, Jess?

-ANGELO:

-Hey, es amigos ingleses, how are we doing tonight?

No, leave it. He'll be fine.

-Peachy, Angelo, peachy.

-Great! Keep drinking.

You're sitting in my seat.

What?

I'd find another seat, but you're also sitting on my shawl.

Oh, shit, sorry...um.

You know, I think I recognise you from somewhere.

Yeah .. There's this thing...

May have been in the papers a bit recently, so.

No, that's not it.

Oh.

Are you in a band?

-What?

-Yes, you supported Alt J.

-Yeah!

-Manchester Towers!

-Two years ago.

It was the first time we came to Britain.

-You're the frontman, right?

-Yeah.

-I remember loving your lyrics.

Really? Yeah, wow! You know, I wrote those.

Adolescent shit, mostly.

Are you still serious about it?

-Ah... I was, now, not so.

-What's your name?

-JJ.

-Which stands for?

John Julius...

Hi, John Julius. I'm Kathy.

Hello, Kathy.

Wow!

# At first I was afraid, I was petrified

# I kept thinking I could never live without you... #

This is brilliant!

I love it! She's beautiful.

-Who's that?

-That, is uh...my uncle.

-I think I recognise him.

-Yeah, he's...vaguely famous.

A failed musician with a vaguely famous uncle.

I'm a lucky girl!

I love it! See you later, baby.

# ..If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me

# Now go, walk out the door... #

-Come on, come on!

-Go where?

-We're going to dance.

-No, Martin, I...

No, no, come on!

# Weren't you the one who tried to break me with desire

# Did you think I'd crumble?

# Did you think I'd lay down and die?

# Oh no, not I

# I will survive

# As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive

# I've got all my life to live

# I've got all my love to give

# I will survive

# I will survive Yeah yeah. #

So...you're out here on your own?

Hm-hm. Other people just crowd it and make it about themselves.

So, you're here with family, and your uncle...

Um...yes, a bit of family, friends, sort of.

But you don't like them?

I mean, you ran away from them at the bar.

No, it's just that they can be a little...a little intense.

Hm-hm. And you don't like intense?

No... I can't really talk, because I'm intense.

Good.

Because if you're looking for a neurosis-free girl,

you're bang out of luck.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I once set fire to my hair, just to see what would happen.

I was ten and it didn't improve my look.

Oh, that's nothing. When I was a kid, I jumped off our roof,

just to see if I could hurt myself.

And, yeah, I broke my leg... And I didn't like it.

OK, well how's this for psycho?

I carved my ex-boyfriend's initials

into my left inner thigh, as a way of telling him

that no-one else would ever see that. Beat that!

Easy. I recently told some people that I had cancer

to avoid telling them the real reason

I had for attempting suicide.

That is intense. What was the real reason?

I... I don't know.

I do know that I am now part of a pact

-that I had to lie to become...

-What pact?

Just, uh...just a bunch of desperate people being desperate together,

as a way of feeling a little less desperate.

OK, you win the psycho game.

Good, good... Well, I've always wanted to win that game.

I haven't done this for a while, so...

-OK, now I'm gonna say something.

-Oh, fuck!

Because if I wait and say nothing and you spot me after you've pissed,

-I think that'd probably be worse.

-Wait, how did you even...

Just a credit card and a bit of spit.

The hotel security is not what it should be.

How long have you been there?

Just really wanted to apologise...

for earlier.

Because I don't know why I said that.

And then I was probably gonna try and shank you.

She's really pretty, though. So, well done.

-Hey...

-You don't have to say anything,

You can take that one as a compliment.

So... I'll just leave quietly.

-Look, Jess...

-No, no, really...

I'd prefer if you don't say anything.

You do knows she's a journalist, though, right?

-What?

-Look in her bag.

Cos I saw her check her recorder, in the bar.

Oh, shit...

Still, she fucked you, though, right?

So at least she's thorough.

Hey, hey.

RECORDING: 'What pact?

'Just a...just a bunch of desperate people being desperate together

'as a way of feeling less desperate...'

# Shadows settle on the place that you left

# Our minds are troubled by the emptiness

# Destroy the middle, it's a waste of time

# From the perfect start to the finish line.... #

HE YELLS

# And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones

# Cos most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs

# Setting fire to our insides for fun

# Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

# The lovers that went wrong

# We are the reckless

# We are the wild youth

# Chasing visions of our futures

# And you caused it

# You caused it. #

I think it's sweet.

I think it's unsanitary.

No, only part of you thinks that, other part of you thinks that it's sweet.

Oh...

-Why are you waiting here?

-I'm waiting for them to finish this tray

of scrambled eggs and bring in a new tray.

Scrambled eggs are never fresh, Martin.

I may not have been on a lot of holidays, but I've been in lot of hospitals,

and I understand institutional catering.

Who are all these people? And why do they eat so much?

They're having a good time, that's all.

-Martin?

-Hm?

Thank you for arranging this holiday. I think it's been good for me.

You really don't understand what a disaster we all are, do you?

Come on, let's get you some breakfast.

Yes, good idea. Good idea...

-The prunes are very good.

-Don't like prunes.

-Hey.

-Hi.

Oh, good morning, JJ. Might have said some stupid things last night.

Drink has never been my best friend, sorry about that.

So, I got a few things to say...

and I don't think you're gonna like...any of them.

Are you going back to America?

I'm gonna start with the biggest... Um, I don't have cancer of the brain.

-I don't have CCR.

-Oh, they've cured you!

No, Maureen, I never had it. I made it all up.

There's actually no such thing as CCR.

Just Creedence Clearwater Revival,

one of my favourite bands, but...

I wasn't gonna say anything.

-Did you know about this?

-I thought there was something strange.

So, why? Why, JJ, were you up there?

-He can't answer that, that's personal.

-I'm sure he had good reasons.

Oh, did he? JJ, did you?

Yes. Um...

Actually, uh, we need to postpone this conversation.

We had a pact. I trusted you, I liked you!

Martin, please, just sit down. We'll talk about this another time.

- Another time, I mean what time.. - Hey, where were you?...

Oh, right, great. We'll stop for your girlfriend, do we!

She's not my girlfriend, OK? She is...a journalist.

-What?

-Look, I didn't know.

You don't know much, do you?

If he didn't know, he didn't know.

We've had bad things written about us before...

Look, I understand that you're angry, but, please,

Martin, I'm feeling pretty humiliated.

You don't understand anything!

-You certainly don't understand humiliation!

-Martin, you're being dramatic.

You're a fake, you're a fraud! You're a jerk. JJ!

-Martin, stop this!

-John...

Who the fuck is John?

I'm! I'm John! And you know what?

-I'm not a fraud!

-Stop it! Remember the pact!

Fuck the pact!

SHOUTS MERGE INTO MUSIC

Good morning, sunshine.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hello, sleepy head.

How are you?

Good morning. All right, here we go...

.Not having Matty with me on the holiday, it felt like I was missing a leg.

'Strange... Light...

'That's probably not like missing a leg at all.

'I don't imagine most people's first impression

'of leg loss is weightlessness.'

How's that?

There we are.

TV ON

'I missed him most when the plane was landing.

'We shook a little on descent.

'Thought I was going to die... and I hadn't say goodbye.'

'JJ's girlfriend's piece meant the story,

'our story, didn't die.

'But Martin said concentrate on being boring

'and they'd eventually leave us alone. So that's what I did.

'Not difficult.

And as for the others, as soon as we landed,

'we scattered in different directions,

'like we were allergic to each other.

'The pact was broken beyond repair

'and without the pact, our friendship was broken, too.

'I still saw them. Patchily, every now and again.

'I saw Jess in places she shouldn't be.

'And I did make a little effort to find JJ.

'Just to check if he was OK.'

Ah, JJ, I can't believe!

Fantastic, good!

'I never saw Martin.'

'Though, mostly I got on with my life...

'And hoped they get on with theirs.'

Matty did really well.

We did some interesting reflex work.

Nice to have him properly looked after for once.

He reacted well to company.

Sure he loved a change from my flat.

And we couldn't get him out of this pool.

Yes, he's always loved water.

There might be a slot for him

to come to one of my weekly sessions, if you'd like it.

Oh, I'm sure he'd love it.

I'll add him to the list.

You look like, you caught a bit of colour.

Do I?

You know, from the pictures in the papers...

it looked like you picked a very nice spot.

Yes. Well...

SHE SINGS SOFTLY

# Two and two are four

# Four and four are eight

# Eight and eight are 16...

# 16...16...32... #

Matty? Matty?

Matty?

No... No.

PHONE DIALS AND RINGS

Matty?

Matty!

..we'll let you know as soon as possible.

-Hey, Maureen.

-Oh...

Oh...you came, too.

Yes, nothing on TV. Er, this is my dad.

Drove me... Probably say something very moving.

I'm sorry to hear about your son, Maureen.

Not one of his best attempts!

I'm really grateful you're all...you're all here.

Of course we're here!

This isn't tea.

-I know, it's hot chocolate.

-I asked for tea.

I was buying, and I don't like the smell of tea.

So when you buy rounds in pubs?

Pitchers, then you never have to buy a round ever again.

It's clever, right? Is JJ still not here, then?

No. I couldn't get through to him. Probably not picked up his messages.

Yeah, it's either that or he doesn't really care.

I genuinely don't know how you've survived her.

Ear plugs.

-I'm going to make you go and sit in the car in a minute.

-Ear plugs and pink gin.

He wasn't the reason I was up there. Matty. He wasn't.

No?

There were lots of reason I was up on that roof...

You once asked me why, Jess?

And, I said I felt... I felt helpless.

But the truth is I've not done a list for living

and a list for...

It was a feeling, not a thought.

But not one of those reasons...

..was that I didn't love my son. Not one of them, not one.

Maureen, we know that.

Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Don't tell me.

No, no, no, He's fine... Maureen, he's fine.

What?

We're gonna keep monitoring him but he's no longer critical.

He'll be fine.

- He'll be fine? - He'll be fine.

OK.

The tubes look worse than they are.

We'll remove some tonight. The rest hopefully will be up tomorrow.

I should have seen it coming.

If he'd had proper care...

Maureen...you saved him.

It was a myocardial infarction.

He had a heart attack of sorts.

His symptoms were almost invisible.

I didn't notice it.

I was monitoring him and I...

But you caught it... you saved his life.

Matty is a very lucky boy to have you.

I only had one thought...

When he...

If he dies...

I die.

Well, he lived.

And maybe he feels the same way about you as you do about him.

Have you ever considered that?

INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION

-- It's Valentine's day.

-Hm-hm.

-Martin?

-Yeah?

-Today is Valentine's day?

-Good.

Martin? Breakfast TV has completely messed up your brain, hasn't it?

-Come on.

-Oh, JJ, the pact!

Get Maureen, I'll find JJ now.

Yeah. Oh, shit!

-Have you seen JJ?

-JJ is gone.

-Gone?

-Yeah, he's a prick.

He left over a week ago, didn't even serve notice!

That prick you're talking about, Paulo,

happens to be my daughter's friend.

And you'd do well to remember that.

You are called Paulo, aren't you?

Um...just that it says Paulo's Place outside, and you...

certainly sound Italian... You look Italian and...

Love your tats.

Come on, Dad.

-WOMAN:

-'Hello?'

-Oh, yes, hi, hi, I'm looking for JJ.

-'Who?'

-John, John Julius.

Oh, JJ...

I hoped you wouldn't be up here.

Did you know that three people have killed themselves from this building,

between New Year's and today?

Sue Chalmlin, housewife, and manic depressive...

David Frommet, a banker who lost everything, and...

Ben Peterson...he was only 15.

So you're going to...join them?

I kept to the pact, Martin, OK?

This, me, it's none of your business now.

True.

Why though, JJ? Why are you up here?

That's the thing... Martin, I didn't lie to you.

-I don't know.

-You don't know?

And that makes my reason better than any of yours.

I wasn't aware that this was a competition.

You see... What Jess needs is to feel important...

Maureen needs to feel loved...

And you, you just need to...grow a brain.

Fair enough.

So you can solve your problems, but me, I can't.

Martin, Martin, stop. Martin, just stop walking.

Three steps and I'm gone.

Oh, God...

Look, I'm just...

I'm just tired of...

Of being scared all the time not knowing why.

I'm tired of being...trying to change...

and not knowing how...

You know, leaving my last shit band,

moving countries.

Because however much I do, change...

..I'm left with me.

Sounds like you got it all worked out, JJ. It's logical.

The reason why you want to die is because you don't wanna live.

It's as simple as that, right? I used to think like that, too.

JJ!

-And then there were four.

-Don't you get it? I mean, we made it!

All right, we all made it to Valentine's day and nothing...

Nothing, absolutely nothing has changed!

-But...everything has changed.

-What?

Everything.

We are standing in entirely different positions, for one thing.

I didn't ever wanna be up here again, JJ.

-I'm pretty sure none of us did.

-He's right.

You know, it's shit up here.

I hope, I think...

we still matter to you, JJ.

I mean why else would you pick Valentine's day?

You may think you want to die... but you knew we'd look for you.

We're not up here because we want to die, we're here for you.

The Topper House Four.

We belong together, we're a team.

I mean, we're the worst team the world has ever known, and if I was picking,

I mean, none of you would have made it on to the subs bench.

But still...we're a team.

I know, it's not much, son...

But...maybe...we're a start.

You can't even see the bottom.

Hello?

Hello?

Can anybody hear me?

-We can hear you and see you, Martin.

-Bonsoir, Martin.

Where's the button for this?

Oh, hiya!

Maureen, is that glitter on your face?

No, no, no, that is... Yes... Matty, seems to like glitter

and we're having a kind of... well, New Year's party!

Maureen, you rager!

Jess! Please, trying to keep the noise down out here! OK, sh.

It was Dr Stephen's, er, Robert's idea, actually.

He's been hugely helpful, in return for me joining his quiz team.

Which has caused much controversy

because I was supposed to join another quiz team and it's just kind of complicated

Sounds complicated.

I saw your dad got promoted, Jess?

OK, we must have better news than that, come on, somebody say something. Martin?

Why don't you stoke up this party?

When you tell us about some of your recent bedtime conquests.

Well, I'm often asleep by ten. On my own... Exhausted.

Are children famous for getting up early in the morning?

I had no idea.

God, when did we turn into Little Houses on the fucking Prairie?

I missed you... All.

You know, I got.. I got something to say. My therapist...

Therapist? There we go, that's some news!

Did you all know that JJ is officially mad?

Jess, you see a therapist too.

Yeah, of course, but all the best people are mad in my opinion.

My therapist told me a story, true story, about this guy who

survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.

That's an anecdote, it's not strictly news.

The moment he jumped,

he realised that the only thing in his life that he couldn't fix

was the thing he'd just done.

I mean can you imagine, those five seconds as he fell.

The agony of that.

Well, to me it feels like I fell... without falling.

Because of you guys, I had my

five seconds up on that roof and not in the air.

Mmh... Five seconds.

We each gave each other five seconds.

I like that, JJ.

Then five seconds turned into a year.

Into a life sentence.

You people make me want to kill myself.

-Maureen, coming?

-No, no, I'm just talking to my friends.

It's almost midnight, and we're doing the lambada. Come on.

Maureen, what are you going? Maureen!

-Happy New Year!

-OK... What just happened?

Did Maureen just made us look like we're the square ones?

Remember, you're the one who accused her of having too many cats.

-Time to sign off.

-Happy New Year, Jess.

Happy New Year, Martin.

Happy New Year, Jess.

Happy New Year, John Julius.

We could go to a party, you know,

in case you were worried about being upstaged by Maureen.

That's just the problem, though, isn't it?

-I don't don't really want to go to a party.

-Yeah.

I think you've broken me!

-Don't...smile.

-No?

-I will kill you...

-I know.

-..if you smile...

Come on. Up to bed, sleepyhead.

There you go.

Oh, yes, there you go.

Is it midnight yet, Daddy?

Yes, it is. You made it.

Another new year.

Here we go.