Finishing School

BUZZING

-Yes?

-'Mrs Radcliff and Miss Virginia are here.'

Ask them to come in, please.

How do you do, Mrs Radcliff? Or rather, Helen, if I may.

Of course, of course, please, do, you must, in fact.

Imagine you at the head of Crockett Hall.

You were teaching when I was here.

Literature, wasn't it?

-Latin, I believe.

-Latin?

Oh, imagine, darling, Mother spoke Latin!

Oh, Miss Van Alstyne, this is my daughter, Virginia.

Utterly ridiculous, isn't it?

-How do you do, Virginia?

-How do you do?

She looks like some painting by, uh...some painter, doesn't she?

Won't you sit down?

Tell me, Virginia, how do you think you're going to like it here?

Oh, she'll be mad, utterly mad about it.

We've ordered her such a darling wardrobe. Sending four horses down.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Virginia, but we wear uniforms here.

Uniforms?

Oh, yes, I'd forgotten. Perfectly hideous things.

You'll love them, darling, so smart and proper!

And I'm afraid you can have only two horses.

I don't mind at all, if that's the rule.

You'll find we have quite a few rules, my dear,

and when you're a little older,

you'll understand how necessary they all are.

Oh, you understand about weekends?

Weekends? Is Virginia coming home weekends?

Well, only when convenient for you.

A teacher will take Virginia to the Pennsylvania Station,

where she will be met by some member of your family.

And then, on Sunday afternoons,

she'll be met again and returned here.

Oh, about visitors -

their names must be on a list approved by you.

Perfect. Frankly, that's why I'm entrusting Virginia to your care.

A girl must be protected from people who don't belong.

Especially nowadays, when the purchase of a dress suit

automatically makes a man a gentleman.

We appreciate that fact.

Do you know what time it is?

-It's 4.30.

-Precisely 4.30.

One hour to New York and a date for cocktails.

I must run. You will forgive me.

Take good care of my little girl, won't you? But you will.

I'm always late.

Goodbye, Miss Van Alstyne, I must run.

Mother.

I hadn't really gone, darling.

Mother's going to miss you dreadfully.

You will write, won't you, dear?

You are going to be happy, aren't you, darling? Of course you are.

-Goodbye, dear.

-Goodbye, Mother.

Shall we go up and meet your roommate?

After you're all settled, you won't feel so lonely.

I'm sure I won't.

You see, I've wanted to come here ever since I was a little girl.

And now you're here.

You'll find that we do everything we can to make you happy.

-Miss Van Alstyne!

-How do you do, girls?

From time to time, we take you into New York for the concerts,

for the art galleries, for the opera and the better plays.

-Good afternoon, Miss Van Alstyne.

-How do you do, Betty?

There's a chaperone, on whose good taste you can always depend.

You see, dear, we try to do all the worthwhile things.

The aim of our school, and, we like to believe, the achievement,

is to prepare young ladies to meet, graciously, all social demands.

You have a sweet smile, dear,

but another one of our pesky rules, we don't allow lipstick.

-All right.

-And we don't smoke, and, naturally, we don't drink.

We only mention this once, Virginia,

because we're on the honour system here.

I know I can trust you.

Oh, yes, Miss Van Alstyne.

You'll like Miss Ferris, she comes from a fine, old family.

KNOCKING

LOUDER KNOCKING

'Hey, what are you doing? Posting bills, or do you want to come in?'

Cecilia.

'Oh...'

THUDDING AND STOMPING

Cecilia, you know our rule.

Why is this door locked?

Oh, it wasn't locked, Miss Van Alstyne,

uh, the trunk just happened to be against it.

And how did the trunk just happen to be against it?

Well, you know how it is with a trunk.

It's either here or there with a trunk.

I see. Well, this is Virginia Radcliff, your new roommate.

-And this is Cecilia Ferris.

-Hello.

How do you do?

You will acquaint Virginia with our routine, won't you, Cecilia?

And how. I mean, I surely will, Miss Van Alstyne.

My name's Pony. Come on in.

It may smell like it, but the horse isn't under the bed.

-Oh...

-What's the matter?

Sister, I've got a new pony that's had ten years' wear

out of a certain part of my anatomy in the past two days.

-Does he throw you?

-Throw me? He flips with me. Today I was tails.

Cigarette?

Oh, no, thank you.

Oh, it's all right, nobody can come in.

The maid just put the chair against the door.

Yes, but Miss Van Alstyne said we're not supposed to smoke or drink or...

Oh, they just make those prissy rules to please our parents.

-Really?

-Sure, so the old folks won't mind

the genteel racketeering that goes on.

Racketeering?

Uh-huh. Gimme your keys.

They charge you 4 an hour to ride your own horse,

and 60 a month to feed him.

60 bucks' worth of hay's enough to give an elephant the gout.

Not to mention what they knock down

on uniforms and chaperones and theatre tickets.

Yes, but...

But if they have those rules, and we're on our honour, I think we...

Honour? You're supposed to do exactly as you please in

this old lady's home for nice young gals.

Just don't get caught, that's all.

I still don't want one.

-KNOCKING

-Oh...

Just a minute.

Oh, it's you. Come on in.

Phew! Smells like a pool hall in here!

Pool hall over a stable.

-It's Virginia.

-Has she got a last name?

-It's Radcliff.

Virginia, this is Ruth Wallace.

Hello.

The girl with a smile like a birdcage.

-Can I help?

-Thanks.

And this, Virginia,

is Maggie.

Maggie Kelly.

You know very well my name is Madeleine.

Yeah, I know.

But, somehow, you look just like a Maggie to me.

Delighted. Of the New York Radcliffs, of course.

I guess so, I live in New York.

Maggie's awfully impressed by society.

Her family made the social register this year.

Even now, when her grandfather crosses the railroad tracks

he thinks he's going to work.

-He was a construction engineer!

-Construction's right,

he can't pick up a golf club to this day without spitting on his hand.

Ha-ha! Say, I could do with a drink.

Me... I mean, I, too.

Two days in here, this is going to smell like a horse blanket.

She is pretty goofy about horses, isn't she?

She'd pass up a day with Clark Gable to stay home and curry a horse.

Look, what's this?

-Swedish punch. Mother brought it.

-Gimme!

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen! 20/1 on Kelly!

Got a corkscrew, Pony?

Sooner be caught without a toothbrush!

Your refinement certainly comes out when you see a bottle.

-Gee, it's a cute bottle.

-Never mind the bottle, let's get inside.

Please, don't open it.

Oh, oh, it isn't what you think.

It's just that...that I promised Miss Van Alstyne I wouldn't.

And...

Well, it just doesn't seem right, that's all.

Don't you believe me it isn't the liquor I care about?

There's a towel in the bathroom, if you want to clean that up.

Pony...

DOOR CLOSES

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

Dinner is served.

Too tight. Two notches out.

Shoulders up.

One, two, three, four, attitudinise.

Be-au-ti-ful, attitudinise.

One, two, three, four, attitudinise.

Grace is power, attitudinise.

One, two, three, four, attitudinise.

Good morning, young ladies.

-ALL:

-Good morning, teacher.

(The old crow.)

Sit down, young ladies.

Now, this morning we will review yesterday's lesson

on the etiquette of the formal call, the reception and the tea.

After all, girls, it isn't so much what you do as

do you do it correctly?

Uh, Madeleine Kelly.

Please, tell us how many cards one leaves

when one makes a call and finds no-one at home.

One leaves, when one is calling,

one leaves, um...

52, if the house is honest.

Fifty-tw...

Well, it all depends.

Yes, that's right.

One leaves a card of her own

and one of her daughter's for each lady in the house,

and a card of her husband's and of her son's

for each lady and gentleman.

Now, is that clear, Madeleine?

Oh, yes, Miss Fisher.

Ruth Wallace, what is the greatest number ever left of any one card?

Well, um, I don't remember the exact figures...

Well, now, let me ask it another way.

In calling on Mrs Lesley, who has three grown daughters

and a mother living in the house,

and a Mrs Powers visiting...

..you'd leave how many, Ruth?

Well, let's see. There'd be two for Mrs Lesley,

-and two apiece for each of her three daughters.

-INAUDIBLE WHISPER

That makes six and two is eight

and two for her mother, that makes ten,

-and two for...

-Virginia Radcliff.

Please, bring me what you have in your hand.

(There goes my weekend.)

I said to bring me that note, Virginia. I presume it is a note.

I don't know. You see, I don't read things

that are addressed to other people.

Please, don't make a scene, Virginia. Bring me the note.

I'm sorry, Miss Fisher.

GASPING

You will, please, go to Miss Van Alstyne's office

and report this matter to her at once.

Yes, Miss Fisher.

Erma Schmidt, what is the difference between a reception and a tea?

At a tea, only tea...

BELL RINGS

CHATTER AND FOOTSTEPS

Got to hand it to the kid, she certainly rode us out of that one,

and didn't pull leather once.

Breeding certainly tells, doesn't it?

That's what I think every time

I hear you call a piece of wood a two-by-four.

I tell you, my grandfather was a famous engineer!

Why, he built the Erie Canal!

Yeah, shovel-full at a time.

I wonder what Van Alstyne will do to Virgie.

Probably take away her weekend.

Well, if she does, I certainly owe that gal

a swell party on her next one.

There she is.

Oh, Virgie.

You sure saved me from a cropper, Virgie. Thanks.

You'd have done the same for me.

-Apple?

-Crackers? What happened?

-What'd she say?

She was grand, she told me just to forget it.

She'd forget anything just to save an argument.

No, really, Pony, she was awfully nice about it.

I know, I know. Listen, I'm planning a weekend with a future,

and I'd love to have you come along.

Do you think Miss Van Alstyne would let me?

If you tell her that my Aunt Jessica Page is going to meet us

-at the Penn Station...

-There she is now!

-Go ask her, go on!

Just act like a poor little boid in a gilded cage

and she'll let you out, go on!

Do you think we ought to tell Virgie how we're going to

get out of this asylum for pick-ups?

What's the use? When you know a person's got

an ingrowing conscience, why pick on it?

What's an ingrowing conscience?

-She's in again.

-Can't you leave us alone?

Oh, I've had warts that were easier to get rid of.

-Going on a weekend party?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-Going with fellas?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-Can I go?

-ALL:

-No!

Aw, gee, the way I get treated around here,

I've got a good chance of dying an old maid!

BELL RINGS

Gosh, I get awful tired bumping into you.

Gee, Pony, I could be a real friend to you,

if you'd only let me.

Drink it. It'll save you from having the rickets.

I bet there isn't a calf in this county that gets a square meal...

..on account of me!

I wonder where she is.

Oh, Aunt Jessica!

Oh, Cecilia, my dear!

-And Madeleine and Ruth.

-BOTH:

-Hello, Mrs Page.

I'm so glad you and your friends could come.

Aunt Jessica, I want you to know Virginia Radcliff.

-How do you do, Virginia?

-How do you do? It's so nice of you to have me.

So glad to see you again, Mrs Page.

Oh, it's awfully nice of you to take such good care of the girls.

It's a great satisfaction to know one is doing one small...

Come on, let's get the...

Don't you think we better be going, Aunt Jessica?

Yes, I'm afraid we must hurry. I'm taking the girls to a matinee.

You'd better be off, then. You'll have them back here

at five o'clock, Sunday afternoon.

I'll see that they shan't keep you waiting.

-Come along, girls.

-Goodbye, girls.

-ALL:

-Goodbye, Miss Fisher.

HORN

Tell him to drop us at the Waldorf.

We're meeting Spec and George there.

-Where can we drop you?

-At 42nd Street.

Oh, cabbie, hesitate at 42nd,

stop at the Waldorf and carry on to 40 and a half West 60th.

Yes, ma'am.

"Ma'am." Did you hear that?

I'm maturing.

LAUGHTER

Here, here's your five, and you're certainly worth it.

Worth it? I should hope so.

You know whom I have played with?

Hackett, Sothern, Maurice Barrymore.

That's the sort of talent you're getting.

One step lower and I'll be in the movies.

You'll be sure to meet us Sunday afternoon, won't you?

To collect your other five.

For 10 I'd keep a date with an acrobat.

Isn't she really your aunt?

Well, not as far as my uncle knows.

-What's it all about?

-Forget it.

-I won't do it.

-Won't do what?

I won't go through another weekend with this band in my teeth.

I'm getting a cauliflower lip!

I'm going to take it off.

It's cemented on, isn't it?

This end is loose. Madeleine, see if you can get it off.

Open wide.

Say, "Aaah."

I've lived in houses that had less closet room.

If you could brace your feet against her lowers,

you could get more leverage.

Maybe if one of us climbed inside and helped!

Take it easy.

There she comes!

Oh, jeeper, any bigger and we'd run a trolley on it.

Get the other end off.

Why don't you work it back and forth?

It makes my lower plate rattle.

Oh, it's getting hot!

Can't get it off that way.

-Guess we'll just have to leave it.

-Leave it? You will not.

You think I'm going to keep a date

with a girder sticking out of my mouth?

I've got an idea.

Pull the tooth out.

-No, file it off.

-That's it!

-Hold your face up.

-Be careful of her lip.

Here, I'll keep it cool.

-Good afternoon.

-Did you get my telegram?

-Oh, yes, Miss Ferris, your rooms are ready for you.

-Any messages?

No phone calls, but two gentlemen from New Haven are here to see you.

They're waiting upstairs in your sitting room.

-Thank you. Would you send up some ice and seltzer?

-Right away.

Number four.

-Hi, Chuck!

-Pony!

Oh, when you kiss me like that, the beast in me comes out on all fours.

Oh, the brown one goes in there and the striped one goes in there.

Oh, Virginia. This is mine, and it's name is Chuck.

-Hello, Virginia.

-How do you do?

And this is Bill Martin, an all-American.

An all-American what you'll have to find out for yourself.

Well, to look at you, nobody would think you were a blind date.

-KNOCKING

-Gee, you're cute. Oh, come in.

Put them down over here.

-Hey, where are you all taking us for dinner?

-How about Harlem?

Oh, that's swell. Oh, Virgie, would you like to, um, powder your nose?

Mm-hm. Pardon.

Chuck's a swell guy, isn't he?

He doesn't look so hot, and he's not so terribly bright,

but he's a swell guy just the same.

Bill's cute, too, isn't he?

Of course, if the swelling ever went out of his head,

it'd slip down his throat and choke him to death.

Pony, why did we come to this place?

We won't meet anyone we know here.

You can't be seen around New York, it's a cinch.

I don't like the idea very well.

I know you don't, but after you've spent

four years behind the bars of Crockett Hall, you will.

Don't be so serious, you're supposed to be having a good time!

I don't think this Bill and I have the same idea of a good time.

Well, what do you think Bill is, Virgie, a thug?

You make the rules and he'll play by them.

I suppose that's right, isn't it?

Sure. You're like the old maid worrying about the man under the bed

that ain't there.

Come on and have yourself some good, clean fun,

while I lead my dissipated life.

-You know something, Pony?

-What?

I've always wanted to get tight.

You?

You know, just to see how it feels.

Yeah, I remember.

-This would be a good opportunity, wouldn't it?

-Opportunity?

It's an obligation. Come, little one.

Boys, there's something you really ought to know.

-Virginia's going to get fried.

-Virginia's going to get fried?

Virginia's going to get fried.

# Virginia's going to get fried Virginia's going to get fried

# Hi-ho, the merry-oh Virginia's going to get fried

# Virginia's going to get fried Virginia's going to get fried

# Hi-ho, the merry-oh Virginia's going to get fried

# Virginia's going to get fried Virginia's going to get fried

# Hi-ho, the merry-oh Virginia's going to get fried. #

LAUGHTER

Looks like Virginia's going to get fried.

Wouldn't you like to hear about my dear old grey-haired mother?

No, sir.

-So many people don't.

-Take care of him, will you, Bill?

-See that he gets in.

-OK, Mac.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

Well, Joe, another night, another dollar.

Right you are.

Can you imagine that?

People staying up all night when they don't have to?

-Mac.

-What?

-Will you take this up to number four?

-They ordered them when they came in an hour ago.

-OK.

-Attaboy.

FAINT CONVERSATION FROM NEXT ROOM

Come on...

Hey, Chuck!

-Chuck! Come here and get still.

-MAN LAUGHS

-Will you get out of here?

-Oh, come on, doll.

Oh, Bill, don't!

What is it?

Stop that! You hear me? Stop it!

Ah...

-Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

-Yeah...

Stop that! You hear me? Stop it. Leave me alone.

Leave me alone!

Boy, get me a taxi. Hurry, please.

There you are, running out on me.

Don't paw me!

Take it easy, bud. Take it easy.

-Oh, you keep out of this.

-It's none of my business

but you can't start a brawl out here, that's all.

Listen, I'll start a brawl anyplace I like, see? And you can't stop me.

The whole Harvard line couldn't stop me. You know who I am?

I'm Bill Martin, see? Nobody stops me.

Sure, Mr Martin, nobody can stop you

but, just as a favour to me, will you go back in your room?

Just because I'm drunk, you think you can push me around.

Well, you can't, see? Why, I could break you in two.

What's the sense of that, Mr Martin?

And all I need is one hand to do it, see?

Well, of course you can, you're a football player.

-I'm only...

-Yeah, I'm a football player.

I think I'll teach you a lesson.

-This is kind of silly, isn't it, Mr Martin?

-I'll show you...

Do you suppose he's hurt?

No, you see, he's Bill Martin(!)

Look, you'd better get your coat and get out of here

before he comes to and gets nasty.

GLASSES CRASH

HORSES TROT

Hello, Gertrude.

Have you had breakfast?

No?

All right, we'll fix that.

Here you are, Gertrude.

Here you are.

There you go.

Do you feel all right?

Well, look, don't you think you'd better get home?

I've got to...

ENGINE RUMBLES

RUMBLING CONTINUES

Where did I meet you?

You didn't meet me. I'm a waiter at the hotel.

I didn't hold my liquor very well, did I?

Well, not very long.

What's your name?

Ralph McFarland.

Are you in the habit of picking up girls at night?

I should say not, or you're the first...

-Kidding, huh?

-HE COUGHS

-You're catching cold.

-I'm all right.

You shouldn't leave the window down.

Well, you needed the air.

Here, I'll fix that.

-Are you sure this is your coat?

-Certainly. Why?

Cos it doesn't fit you.

Funny, it did when I was a freshman.

-Where were you a freshman?

-McGill.

-Where do you want to go?

-Crockett Hall.

-What did you study?

-Medicine.

-Do you go to Crockett Hall?

-Uh-huh.

You can't practise medicine while waiting on tables, can you?

No, but you can eat that way while you're interning.

Oh, don't they pay interns?

Some hospitals do, but not Beaudline.

Beaudline? That's a children's hospital, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

ENGINE RUMBLES

As a doctor, you realise that a growing girl needs nourishment,

don't you?

OK, I'll give you my favourite prescription.

What do you mean?

You'll find out.

Oh.

Hey, bud, are you selling that milk?

No, I'm carrying it around for the cow(!)

You don't think she'd miss a quart, do you?

It's 12 cents.

Thank you, cow.

ENGINE RUMBLES

So, finally, the day came to take the cast off the kid's leg.

You know, that little cuss had all the confidence in the world

he was going to be all right,

but none of us were so sure.

Wipe off your mouth.

Anyway, we went in and removed the cast.

And do you know, today, that little kid's walking?

Yes, in a couple of months, he'll be riding a bicycle.

When I think what it's costing my father to send me to Crockett Hall,

-and you had to work your way through school.

-That's all right,

I probably couldn't have gotten in Crockett Hall.

CAR HORN HONKS

ENGINE REVS

Goodbye and thanks.

-Hey, hey, what's your name?

-Virginia Radcliff.

Why, there's Virginia.

Why, I thought she went to New York with Pony.

Look at that car.

This is a strange time to be coming back.

Good morning, Miss Van Alstyne.

Will you follow me into my office, Virginia?

Who's that man she was with?

That's probably just what Miss Van Alstyne wants to know.

Virginia, I don't know what to say to you.

Please let me explain, Miss Van Alstyne.

You see, I didn't go to Pony's aunt's.

I cut out of that to go on this party.

Well, it was a mistake,

so I thought the best thing to do was come right back here.

I can't imagine a girl cheapening herself so completely.

I can't either, now, but I didn't know it then.

You surely knew enough not to drive up in front of the school

at this hour in the morning.

The least one expects of a lady is the nicety to

cover her indiscretions.

But I didn't realise what I was getting into.

That isn't the question at all.

You have certain obligations as a student in the school,

and the most important of these is to maintain appearances.

In other words, you don't care what I do,

so long as I'm not caught doing it?

Virginia, you are deliberately misconstruing what I say.

This is never to happen again.

Do you understand? Never.

TRAFFIC RUMBLES

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Are you busy?

No, but I'm going to be.

Gee, I'm glad to see you. Come on in and sit down.

Is this your office?

Yeah, mine and five other interns'.

What do you think of it?

It's nice.

Well, are you out on parole?

No, I just ducked away from the others.

They brought us up to hear the opera and...

Have you ever been to a grand opera?

Did you like it?

That's good.

Well, now that we understand each other, how are you?

-I'm mad at you.

-Hmm?

Well, I stood on the street corner for three hours and a half

last Saturday, waiting for you.

Oh, Mac, I'm sorry, but it wasn't my fault, honestly. They...

They took us to the museum,

and what I thought was a mummy when I sneaked past it

turned out to be Van Alstyne.

Don't you really think it's kind of silly you're having to sneak out

-to see me this way?

-What difference does it make?

Oh, it makes a lot of difference.

It makes us look cheap and underhanded.

I don't know what we can do about it.

Well...

Couldn't I see you at the school?

Yes, but...

Sure, next Sunday for tea.

-Sandwiches?

-Sandwiches.

I'll be there.

Say, I forgot, I haven't eaten yet.

Do you want to have lunch with me?

I'd love to.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, lunch is right here.

There you are. That's lunch.

SHOWER RUNS

# Never hit your grandma with a shovel

# For even though in fun would prove a shock

# So respect her aged head

# Save the shovel and instead

# Paste your dear old, sweet old grandmaw with a rock. #

SHOWER STOPS

Thank you! Bye!

THEY GIGGLE AND SQUEAL

VIRGINIA SQUEALS

Stop!

That's for nothing. Thank you.

Look out! That's for you and that's for you! You...

Say, we've got to hurry.

What dress are you going to wear?

My flowered velvet.

Gee, Pony, Mac's a grand person.

Well, he's going to be awfully out of place among

those Little Lord Fauntleroys they drag in here every Sunday.

If you took all the hair off of their combined chests,

you wouldn't have enough to make a wig for a grape.

Where are my socks?

I hope he can come.

Well, why the devil shouldn't he?

Well, Mac's a very busy person.

He can't waste time fooling around with girls like us.

And what's the matter with us?

Well, we're not very worthwhile.

Well, it's just talk like that that started the Russian Revolution.

ENGINE RUMBLES

It's Mac.

Where's my dress?

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, hey, what's the idea?

Hey, where do you think you are?

Say, does he always go around dressed up in that garbage can?

CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

You look very gracious, there, girls.

-BOTH:

-Thank you, Miss Van Alstyne.

-How are you? I'm so glad to see you.

-GIRLS GIGGLE

Modulate your voices, girls.

-BOTH:

-Yes, Miss Van Alstyne.

Tsk, tsk. Pimples.

Billie, will you bring us some cakes, please?

-Edith.

-Yes, Miss Van Alstyne?

We are not at home to that person.

Yes, Miss Van Alstyne.

Pardon me, is Miss Radcliff in?

I'm sorry, sir, but we're not receiving today.

-Well, this is Sunday, isn't it?

-Yes, sir, but...

Well, we're not receiving today.

I understand.

That's all right, because I'm not much of a tea hound anyway.

-Yes, sir.

-GIRLS GIGGLE

Where's Mr McFarland?

Miss Van Alstyne...

Oh, I'm sorry, but we're not at home to him.

-But I invited him.

-But Miss Van Alstyne said...

Mac! Mac! ENGINE RUMBLES

Mac, I'm here!

SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Where is he?

You will remember me to your mother, won't you?

Yes, I will.

Oh, Virginia, I want you to meet Mr Elswyth Marler.

Delighted, Miss Radcliff.

Oh, how interesting to meet you.

I've been reading about the Senate's investigation of your father.

Tell me, did they make him give back all the money

he stole from the depositors?

Virginia, how dare you?

-How dare you turn Mac away?

-Go to your room.

Gee, kid, you shouldn't have done that.

I know.

I know I shouldn't, but they're so sneaky.

They cheat and lie to you until you can't keep from doing something.

I hate them.

I hate myself!

Pony. Pony.

What?

How do you spell "embarrassment"?

H-U-M-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N.

That's not "embarrassment"!

I know, but it's easier to spell.

CROWD CHATTERS AND GIGGLES

SHE WHISTLES A TUNE

Off with it.

Got the horses in?

PONY SIGHS

Say, Chuck and I are giving a swell Christmas party.

No mistletoe, no Santa Claus, no games, no nothing -

just a good party.

You and Mac have got to come.

I don't know, Pony. Mac's a mighty busy man.

Besides, I don't think he has a tuxedo.

Easy, we'll make it informal.

Well, what if he has to work that night?

Easier still. We'll have it at the hotel.

Pony.

Go away, Snapper.

Oh, listen, Pony.

Would you do something for me? Would you?

No!

What?

Would you loan me one of your brassieres?

What for?

Well, you see, I haven't gotten one,

and I thought, seeing as it's Christmas and everything

and I'm going on a house party

and, well, when the maid unpacks my bag and finds I haven't gotten one,

how do you think I'm going to feel?

It's like putting a saddle on a Pekinese, but here it is.

-Gee, thanks, Pony!

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Ooh, a telegram. Maybe there's a death in the family!

It's for you, Miss Radcliff.

Maybe it's from Mac.

Is he your boyfriend, Virginia?

Will you keep your nose out of other people's business

and take it into your own room and wipe it?

What's the matter?

Who's it from?

Clannish family, you have(!)

What a swell set-up. You can stay at my house for Christmas.

-Oh, Pony, can I?

-Sure. Pop down and tell Old Pussyboots

you're stopping at our shack over the holidays. Go on.

I'll be right back!

And so I'm going home with Pony, Miss Van Alstyne.

I'm sorry, Virginia, but you're not.

You aren't going to keep me here, are you?

Your conduct these last few weeks has left me no alternative.

But, honestly, Miss Van Alstyne, I...

I won't do anything you wouldn't approve of.

No, Virginia, you simply are not to be trusted.

But...but I've been looking forward to Christmas.

I've made all my plans and...

And I haven't been to town for weeks, not even to a concert.

Don't you think I've... I've been punished enough?

Why, it's certainly no punishment to stay here for Christmas.

You're just disappointed, Virginia, that's all.

The spirit of Christmas permeates everywhere,

and if you'll just adapt yourself to the situation

and enter into the spirit of things,

I think you'll find you get just as much out of it as you put in.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-Mother's giving me a new...

-Tell me what happens.

-Imagine staying here over the holidays.

-Merry Christmas.

-Happy New Year.

-Bye.

-Bye.

BELLS CHIME: Silent Night

BELLS STOP CHIMING

BOOT THUDS

# Jingle bells Jingle bells

# Jingle all the way. #

KNOCK AT WINDOW

Who is it?

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Mac!

HE IS INAUDIBLE THROUGH THE WINDOW

What? HE MOUTHS

Oh.

The boathouse. The boathouse.

HE MOUTHS

Three.

SHE GIGGLES

I'm here.

Hello.

How did you know I had to stay at school?

-Well, Pony had a party at the hotel last night and told me.

-Oh.

Look, look, I've got a fire going.

Let me take your coat.

How did you ever get away?

-MAC LAUGHS

-I hired a fellow to take my place.

-Oh, Mac, you shouldn't have done that.

-Why not?

Well, you'd have gotten a lot of tips if you'd stayed -

enough to buy a new overcoat, maybe.

Will you lay off that overcoat?

Merry Christmas, Mac.

Is this Christmas?

Well, of course it's Christmas.

Well, then, you ought to have a Christmas present, don't you think?

Oh.

Oh, Mac, they're sweet.

Did you see your name on them?

Mm-hmm.

SHE SOBS

What's the matter? Don't you like them?

SHE SNIFFS

Honey, what's the matter?

Erm...

Mac, you're so nice. It's...

Everything's so muddled up here.

Tell me all about it.

They...

They said I'm not to be trusted. SHE SOBS

Ah.

You trust me, don't you, Mac?

Of course I do.

I...

I'm not all wrong, am I?

No.

I am good, don't you think?

Well, of course you're good,

and you're beautiful...

and sweet.

Imagine them sending me a purple dress for a Valentine party.

One has to be so careful about purple at my age.

You can never tell when someone might mistake it for a lavender,

-especially with lace on the collar.

-Yessum.

I haven't made up my mind about the green one.

Of course, Mrs Farrow has one almost like it.

But then, see, she's so huge, she looks like a...

like a lawn in hers.

I wouldn't look like that, would I?

Yessum.

Oh, I'd look like a lawn, would I?

Ma'am?

I wish you'd pay attention when I'm talking.

After all, that's what you're paid for.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Oh, hello, Miss Virginia. It's agreeable to hear your voice.

Yes, miss, she's right here.

It's Miss Virginia.

Hello, dear.

How strange, I was just thinking about you.

How are you, dear?

Oh, I'm grand. I feel fine.

Mother, may I come in town for the weekend?

Make it next weekend, dear.

We're dining out tonight,

and we're going over to Long Island on Sunday.

But, Mother, I'm... I'm out of everything.

I have simply got to do some shopping.

You know, I haven't been in for weeks, not since before Christmas.

Well...

Well, I'll take the seven o'clock train back tonight.

Well, thanks, Mother.

Listen, will you speak to Miss Van Alstyne and tell her I can go?

All right, hold on just a minute.

Oh, Miss Weber,

I wondered if you would ask Miss Van Alstyne

if she'd speak to my mother on the phone?

Of course, dear.

Thank you.

No, I won't change the bandages on 809 for you.

Look, Maude, I've got a date.

Yes, sir, to change the bandages on 809.

I'm sick and tired of you interns trying to

-palm off your work on the nurses around this hospital.

-Oh...

And say, look in on 840. She's squawking again.

With a bedside manner like yours, Maude,

you ought to be an undertaker.

Squirt!

Pardon me.

Yes?

I wonder if you will tell me where I can find Dr McFarland.

He's busy.

Well, if he won't be long, I'd like to wait.

He's on duty and he WILL be long.

Could I leave a note?

-Would you mind giving this to Dr McFarland?

-I will.

Thank you.

It doesn't look so good for that kid, Maude.

What are you doing? Working on a crossword puzzle?

That isn't funny.

Well, is anything ever funny to you, Maude?

Yes, interns!

There's a note for you.

Thanks.

Oh, Maude, I'm just as tired as you look.

Uh-huh.

How long ago was she here, Maude?

She just went down in the elevator.

I wanted to see her, too.

The trouble with you interns is

you've got your mind on osteopathy instead of medicine.

Maude, you're just a carnal old woman. You know that, don't you?

Ah.

Let me know the next time she comes, will you?

No.

Thanks.

So I turned to the sales girl and I said,

"Really, my good woman, this is too excessive.

-"Enough is enough. You are going to extremes."

-Yessum.

And, with that, I motioned to the manager

and reported the whole affair,

ver...bottom.

I mean, -batum, -batim...

-Oh, well.

-Yessum.

He was utterly horrified to the point of being aghast,

and assured me that...

Hello, Virginia.

Are you leaving already?

In a few minutes.

May I talk to you, Mother?

Well, of course, darling.

That'll be all, Evelyn.

-Well...

-Hand me my case, darling.

This dress need something more.

The neck's all wrong.

Really, these dressmakers, they're too stupid.

You pay them a large fortune,

and you practically design your clothes yourself.

Mother, I came to you because I thought that...

You're perfectly right, dear.

I said that to Mrs Baker today.

She's having a terrible time with Geraldine.

Really, that girl is...

That girl is...

Look, darling, don't you think that's very original?

You mustn't frown like that, dear,

or when you are my age, you'll have to go through

the excruciating agony of ironing those wrinkles out.

But, Mother, you've just got to listen to me.

Well, of course, darling.

Who else is there for you to bring your little worries to but Mother?

Well...

The first thing is, I want to leave Crockett Hall.

-You see, I...

-I know. I know all about it.

Miss Van Alstyne wrote me.

Oh, Virginia, how can you forget what you are,

and for what you stand,

so far as to fall in love with a waiter?

A common waiter!

He isn't a waiter. He's an intern in a hospital.

He waits in a hotel, doesn't he?

Well, yes, but that's just...

Oh, well, then, he's a waiter.

I was going to ignore the entire matter,

but you'd drag it into our home and force an issue?

Very well, Virginia.

I'm going to turn the whole thing over to Miss Van Alstyne,

and I'm not going to let you come to town any more.

You'll see if your father doesn't say I'm right.

Frank. Frank.

What?

Come in here a minute, please.

Well, what's the matter?

Virginia's in love with a waiter.

So, is he a good waiter, Virginia?

Oh, Frank!

Are you going to take this thing seriously or not?

Why should I? I'm not in love with him.

Doesn't your own flesh and blood mean anything to you?

Suppose she should elope with this...this...

-Waiter.

-..waiter.

Oh, Mother, he hasn't even asked me to marry him.

It's no wonder you always have bronchitis,

yelling about things that have no intention of ever happening.

Frank, just a minute.

-Well?

-You haven't heard all of this, not by any means.

-No?

-She refuses to go back to Crockett Hall.

Well, supposing she does, you were the one who wanted her to

go there in the first place.

Why, I'm sure I do not know,

when there are schools and colleges that'd give her a decent education,

but you insisted, so it's up to you to talk her into going back again.

You can't put the responsibility of our daughter's entire future on me.

Now, look here, Helen, the only responsibility you have in the world

is to be a reasonably good mother to that kid

during the few months when she's home from school.

And let me tell you something else, if you don't stop hectoring me

about every unimportant detail in this household,

from the butler's halitosis to Virginia's school,

there's going to be a waiter in this family all right,

and it's going to be me,

and you'll be out in the kitchen rustling pots and pans,

for the market's in such shape that a man can't even go out to...

Frank!

..eat!

Without losing his shirt.

FABRIC RIPS

And my advice to you, Ginny, is to do as you jolly well please.

-I mustn't cry. I mustn't.

-HELEN SOBS

-My make-up.

-SHE SNIFFS

I won't cry.

I won't cry.

Love is everywhere.

-HELEN SOBS

-Peace and contentment.

Oh, Miss Weber,

send Virginia Radcliff to me as soon as breakfast is over.

I'll have my coffee now.

BELL RINGS

-Miss Weber. Oh.

-Miss Weber, is there any mail?

-Miss Weber, have you got something for me?

-Miss Weber...

Don't snatch, girls. Be quiet.

-Ruth.

-Yes.

Is there anything for me, Miss Weber?

Nothing today, dear.

Florence,

Elizabeth,

Gertrude...

I wonder if you'd look again. I'm sure there must be something.

No, there's nothing.

Oh, Virginia,

Miss Van Alstyne wishes to see you in her office immediately.

Oh, yes, Miss Weber.

Ruth,

Myrtle,

Madeleine,

Irma...

Virginia, come in.

Sit down and let me pour you a cup of coffee.

Oh, no, thank you, Miss Van Alstyne.

Now, tell me, dear, what's troubling you?

Why, nothing. I'm all right. It's nothing.

Oh, yes, it is.

I've seen it and I've wanted to help you,

but I was afraid you'd resent me.

Let me help you.

I'm sure I can understand.

Well, I...

It's nothing.

-It's that Ralph McFarland, isn't it?

-Oh, no.

Has he been annoying you, dear?

Why, no, I'm...

On the contrary, I haven't heard from him for some time.

Oh, so that explains the little heartaches.

Well, you see, dear,

no doubt he realises the impossibility of the whole thing,

and he's taken the easiest way to tell you,

and it's very fortunate,

because in a few months your own good taste

would have dominated over this infatuation.

It'll probably be a little difficult for you, at first, to get over this,

but I'm going to help you all I can.

Thank you, Miss Van Alstyne.

May I go now?

Why, certainly.

Oh, just a moment, Virginia.

There is something I want you to do for me.

I want you to go up and see Dr Hewitt.

You've been looking badly of late and it's worried me.

Oh, Miss Van Alstyne, I...

Perhaps it's nothing at all.

'Yes, Miss Van Alstyne?'

Dr Hewitt, I'm sending Virginia Radcliff up to see you.

'I'm sorry, Dr Hewitt went into the village.

'She'll be back in about an hour.'

Have her report to me immediately.

You may go to your classes, Virginia. I'll send for you later.

Yes, Miss Van Alstyne.

Miss Weber, get Mrs Radcliff for me on the phone,

and if you can't reach her,

I'll talk to Mr Radcliff at his office.

Oh, and, Miss Weber, keep your eye on Virginia.

I may want to see her again in about an hour.

Hi, Virgie! Where'd you go after breakfast?

I was up at the room and...

What's the matter?

SHE SOBS Pony, I'm frightened.

Tell me. Maybe I can help.

Nobody can help. Nobody but...

but Mac and...

but he wouldn't see me.

He hasn't even answered my letters and now they...

Steady. Weber's watching.

Snap out of it, kid.

VIRGINIA INHALES

Attagirl.

Here comes Ruth and Madeleine. You go on to classes with them.

I'll see you later.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-What's the matter?

-Oh, nothing, nothing.

-Are you coming?

-Yeah.

Hello, may I speak to Dr McFarland, please?

Hello, Mac, this is Pony.

I'm calling about Virginia.

What about Virginia?

It isn't any of my business, but I thought you ought to know...

What's that?

What?

I'm coming right out.

And now I will dispose of Tolstoy and his works in a few brief words.

If you will take notes on this,

it will be sufficient for all conversational purposes.

It will also save you the time and effort of

reading the books yourselves.

Anna Karenina is not only Tolstoy's best-known work,

-it is also his most famous character portrayal...

-(Virginia.)

..that of a woman who abandoned herself to passion,

defied convention,

came face-to-face with her own soul,

which mocked her with the harm she had brought upon herself and others,

sought for a solution and found only one - suicide.

Self-destruction was the only way out.

Although the story does not advocate doing away with oneself,

it does show, by taking the easiest way out,

one often finds peace in death.

Now, in War And Peace, we find...

-We find...

-Virginia's to come with me.

-SHE MOUTHS

-Certainly, Miss Weber.

Virginia, you are excused to go with Miss Weber.

Virginia.

Virginia Radcliff!

Oh.

I beg your pardon, Miss Fisher?

I said, Virginia, you are excused to go with Miss Weber.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Well, there you are, Virginia.

That's all, Miss Weber. Thank you.

You'll find a robe in here, my dear. Come along.

We'll get this over in short order.

Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of.

-Stop this nonsense. Into the other room with you.

-No.

-It'll be over in a moment.

-No.

No, let me alone. I won't, I tell you! You can't make me!

-I won't.

-Stop it.

-Get your hands off me.

-Let me alone! I won't have it!

-What's the matter?

What are you afraid of?

-Let me alone.

-You'll do exactly as I say.

-But, Miss Van Alstyne...

-Dr Hewitt.

Since the day you entered this school,

you thought yourself too clever,

too different to be bound by any responsibilities to society.

Now you're afraid that we'll discover that you weren't clever -

that you aren't different, merely cheap and vulgar.

You can't talk like this to me.

It wasn't cheap! It wasn't vulgar! I'm not ashamed.

You're not ashamed?

Of what?

So that's it.

You don't care that you've brought disgrace on this school

for the first time in all its long history?

School? This school?

What? What, we don't matter, just the school?

We're supposed to have nice manners so that...

so that the school will be praised.

We're put on our own just so the school won't be blamed.

And if something should happen to us, why, I suppose...

I suppose we should die rather than disgrace this precious school.

Well, I don't care, do you hear?

I'm glad I disgraced it! I'm glad!

Perhaps you won't be so glad

when you're turned out of here like a servant girl -

when you hear that this McFarland boasts of an easy conquest...

-Oh, stop, stop!

-..when others are whispering behind your back.

Oh, please. Please, you've said all there is to say.

Oh, no, there's much more to say.

Miss Van Alstyne.

-Mother!

-Oh, Virginia, what have you done? How could you?

-Oh, Mother.

-Think what it means.

Miss Van Alstyne, what is there to do? The disgrace!

-I'm thinking of it.

-What have I done to deserve this?

-What can I say to the others?

-My friends, how can I face them?

-My school!

-Oh, you've got to stop.

You've got to. I can't hear those things again.

I can't! I won't.

Can't. I can't.

I won't! They can't talk like that.

ENGINE RUMBLES

Mac.

Mac!

Mac! Mac!

Honey.

SHE SOBS

Oh, Mac.

You do love me, don't you?

You bet your life I do.

But you don't know about what...

Yes, I do, I know all about it,

and we're going to have a great time, too.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

SHE SOBS

Sweetheart, what are you shaking like that for?

Mac...

I almost jumped off that balcony.

You... You almost...?

What for?

Well, they were saying that...

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

How dare you come here? The effrontery!

Miss Van Alstyne, what are we going to do?

Those two?

You mean those two old flaps could make you want to

jump out of a window?

Ah!

Honey, where's your sense of humour?

Young man, I shan't be spoken to this way.

No kidding.

You really take this dump seriously, don't you?

Maybe you don't realise the world's too busy earning

its three squares a day to worry about what fork to eat them with.

Stick around, sister,

because it won't be long before this is an old ladies' home.

Come on, honey.

Hello, Ginny.

And just why was I called out of a conference?

Are you Mr Radcliff?

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm marrying your daughter today.

So...

Well, what have you got to say about it?

Have a cigar.

-Thanks.

-Oh, Daddy.

Oh...