All Creatures Great and Small

STEAM WHISTLE BLOWS

DOORBELL RINGS

DOG BARKS ENTHUSIASTICALLY

-Yes?

-Good afternoon.

My name's Herriot.

Well, I believe Mr Farnon is expecting me.

Surgery is from six to seven.

Oh, no. No. He asked me for tea.

-Did he, now?

-Well, I'm applying for the job, you see.

Mr Farnon's new assistant.

Oh. Well, you'd better come in then.

Go on, get in.

DOG GROWLS

I'm Mrs Hall. I keep house for Mr Farnon.

Leave your bags there.

-Yes, right.

-He never said anything to me about you coming to tea.

But still, never mind.

You'd better wait out there. I've got some shopping to do,

and if I don't go now I'll be all behind for the rest of the day.

Sorry I've kept you waiting.

-The name is Farnon. Siegfried Farnon.

-James Herriot.

-How do you do?

-How do you do? Look, I've got some calls to make.

I think you'd better come along, all right?

Come on!

-Afternoon, sir.

-Afternoon.

There's a lame horse here.

-This is Mr Herriot.

-How do?

Which leg do you make it?

Uh...

Trot her on, please.

HE ENCOURAGES THE HORSE

-Near fore, I think.

-Would you like to examine it?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

MOOING

HE SOOTHES HORSE

Up. There we go. Up, up, up.

What do you think it is?

Pus in the foot, I think.

Yes, I think you're right. Um...

What do you suggest we do about it?

-Open up the sole and evacuate the pus.

-Mm-hmm.

Right. Off you go.

There it goes!

Well done.

She'll get relief now.

Well done, Herriot.

It's not funny, is it? When the horn's as hard as that?

Right, Mr Sharp, if you'll hold up the hoof a moment,

-I'll disinfect the cavity.

-Right you are, sir.

Iodine crystals and turpentine.

The chemical reaction...

..drives the crystal deep into the tissue.

Righto.

By gum, Mr Farnon!

It's wonderful what science can do nowadays.

Whoa, Diamond!

Yes, it's a family practice, really.

My father had it for, what,

28 years, and then before him, my great-uncle.

Things were different then, of course.

Had a housekeeper, six servants, full-time gardener,

not a blade of grass out of place.

But then the war finished all that, you see.

Things have never been the same since.

Oh, yes, things certainly changed in 1918.

Well, hey-ho.

£4 a week and full board. How's that?

Four...?

You mean I've got the job?

Yes.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Well, then, what have you found out, young man?

-Head back, eh?

-Yes.

Well, you shouldn't have much trouble, then.

I've seen Mr Farnon bring them out arse-first.

Wonderful man, Mr Farnon.

I've never seen him beat yet.

Finest vet for miles around here, if you ask me.

Grab hold of that rope, will you?

Mr Farnon always puts special lubricating stuff on his arms first.

He says you've got infection of the womb if you use soap and water.

Yes. Don't you worry about a thing. Whoa, there.

There's a girl. There's my girl, there's my girl.

There she goes.

HORSE SNORTS

Blast!

How long you been qualified?

-About seven months.

-Seven months?

Well, nowt like a bit of experience, I always say.

Mr Farnon's been doing work for me for over ten years.

Oh-ho, he really knows what he's about, he does.

Yeah, you can have all your book learning.

Give me experience every time.

Pull harder. That's... That's it.

Steady, steady. A good... steady tension on the rope.

Now, I'm going to repel the foal.

You keep up just a steady pull on the rope.

Should bring the head round.

What if the rope comes off?

I suggest a good steady tension. That's it.

Now, pull on the head as she strains.

You should pull on the legs.

Do as I say. Pull on the bloody head rope!

She's going down.

It'll be dead. It's bound to be.

Cor...it's alive.

I thought it'd be dead, the way you messed about with it.

How about a drink?

Oh. Thank you very much indeed, Mr Dinsdale.

It has been a bit of a struggle.

No, I meant for the mare.

Oh.

Oh, of course.

Do her good. Give her a drink, by all means.

Mr Farnon don't believe in that, not after foaling.

Says it chills the stomach.

Old Sumner's been having a bit of a moan.

Thought I'd mention it.

Moaning about me?

Yes.

Says he, uh, rang you the other night,

and you refused to come out to his cow.

He's a good client, you know, and he's a very nice fellow.

Don't want to lose a chap like that. Hmm?

It was only a chronic mastitis.

Yes, I know.

Pass the marmalade.

-He'd been dosing it himself for a week.

-Hmm.

The cow was eating well. I thought it would be all right

-to leave it till the next day.

-Mm-hmm.

James, um, there is one fundamental rule in our job which transcends

all others, and I'll tell you what it is.

We must attend.

It should be written on your soul in letters of fire.

You must attend.

No matter what the circumstances, be it wet or fine, night or day,

if a client calls you out, you must go.

And go cheerfully.

Even if they have been

treating the animal themselves,

it may have taken a turn for the worse.

The animal may die.

CLOCK CHIMES THE HOUR

-MOUTH FULL:

-You must attend.

-By the way, I wonder if it's here.

-What?

The car!

I've got you a car.

Sunshine roof.

Spare wheel. What more could you ask?

In fact, it's quite stylish.

By the way, are you going past the Weathercock Cafe this morning?

-Yes, I think so.

-Good. Well, perhaps you could pick up my brother.

He's coming down from college. Scruffy sort of chap.

His name's Tristan.

It's all Father's fault, really.

Music ruled his life.

Wagner. Wagner all the time.

Morning, noon, and night.

That's why we're stuck with these dreadful names.

Siegfried and Tristan, I ask you!

-Might have been worse.

-Well, hardly.

It could have been Wotan, or Pogner.

Gosh, yes, you're right. I forgot about old Pogner.

Even so, it's going to look damn silly on that brass plate.

-Are you studying to be a vet?

-That's right, yes.

-I didn't realise.

-No, he doesn't talk about it very much.

I haven't been doing too well, you see.

He's afraid I might let the side down.

How did you get on in the exams?

A damned disgrace.

Bloody awful.

-You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

-Yes, sir. I'm sorry.

What on Earth have you been doing up there all this term, anyway?

Eh? Boozing, I suppose, and chasing women.

Anything but doing work.

You're just lazy, Tristan.

Just bone bloody idle.

Well, I've had enough of it this time.

More than enough. I'm sick to death of you.

He's got the bloody nerve to walk in here and tell me he's failed pathology!

I did all right in parasitology, though.

Well, he can sit path again at Christmas, can't he?

After all, it's a difficult exam.

I'm not working my fingers to the bone to keep him up there,

idling his time away!

You're sacked. Do you understand me? You're sacked once and for all.

I want you out of this house, and out of my sight!

That's the end. You are sacked.

Everything all right, James?

Yeah, fine, thanks.

Good man.

Well, I'm terribly sorry about the way things have worked out.

Could've been worse.

I don't really see how. I mean, he's thrown you out, hasn't he?

Oh, don't worry. He's always saying that.

HE TUNES IN RADIO

He'll have forgotten all about it in the morning.

-Fag?

-No, thanks.

The only tricky thing was getting him to swallow

what I said about the parasitology.

You said you'd passed.

I only said I'd done all right.

Nothing more specific.

PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

I failed both, actually.

Parasitology and pathology.

Never mind.

I'll pass them at Christmas.

Your very good health.

And thank you for everything you've done.

Thank you from both of us.

I haven't done very much, Mrs Pumphrey.

It's really up to you.

Yes, I know.

You must stop overfeeding him.

But he gets so bored with chicken, you see.

That's the trouble. He does so love his cream cakes,

don't you, Tricky Woo?

And his fudge, and chocolate, and pate and trifle.

I find it hard to refuse him, Mr Herriot.

When he begs for his little titbits.

Well, I'm afraid you're going to have to.

Otherwise this trouble's going to become more frequent.

The anal gland gets impacted,

you see, and that's what causes the pain.

Oh, poor Tricky Woo.

So, you must put him on a good, sensible dog diet.

Two small meals a day.

-Meat and biscuits.

-Meat and biscuits.

And nothing in between.

I'll do my best, Mr Herriot.

I find it so hard to be strict with him.

It's being kind to him, really, Mrs Pumphrey.

Yes, of course.

DOG SNUFFLES

Yes, I'll try. I'll try to be good.

And if you do have any more trouble,

then just give me a ring and I'll come round right away.

Thank you very much, Mr Herriot.

You've been such a comfort.

Thank YOU, Mrs Pumphrey. That's delicious sherry.

I get it specially from London.

Would you like a case?

No, I wouldn't dream of it.

Oh, but I insist.

We both insist, don't we, Tricky Woo?

It's very kind of you.

A-ah-ah! Not another word. The very least I can do.

Come along, Tricky darling.

Come and say goodbye to Uncle Herriot.

Bye, Tricky Woo.

There! You see? He likes you. I knew he would.

-I like him.

-He's got so few friends.

You know, I often worry about him.

Do you think he gets lonely, being an only dog?

TRICKY WOO YAPS

I should think he's very happy and contented

living here with you, Mrs Pumphrey.

Oh, how kind of you to say so.

Thank you very much.

I can't tell you how pleased I am you've come to Darrowby.

May your stay here be a long and joyful one.

Good morning.

My name's James Herriot.

I've come about the lame calf of yours.

Good morning. I'm Helen Alderson. Here's your patient.

We think he's broken his leg.

Right, well, let's have a look, then, shall we?

Hold his head, please.

I'm sorry my father isn't here.

-He's out in the field with the men.

-Oh, don't worry.

No, it's just a simple fracture of the radius and ulna.

-A bit of plaster should do the trick.

-Uh-huh.

COWS LOW

Well, that seems to be dry.

Thanks very much.

You'll have to keep the plaster on for at least a month.

If you give me a call then, I'll come back and take it off.

-All right.

-Just be careful that the bandage doesn't make his leg sore.

-Fine.

-LOUD MOOING

That's his mother. She's been hanging about all morning

wondering what we're doing with her calf.

Oh, she can come in now.

HELEN ENCOURAGES COW INSIDE

I didn't know Mr Farnon had got a new partner.

Assistant, not partner.

I've been with him since July.

-Are you enjoying it?

-Oh, yes, very much.

It's been a complete revelation to me, coming to Yorkshire.

I had no idea it was such beautiful countryside.

That's Hescott Fell. Over 2,500ft.

Wonderful.

Eddleton.

Wedder Fell on the other side and Colver and Senner.

You're very lucky to live in a place like this.

Yes, I know. I love it very much.

-Were you born in the country, Mr Herriot?

-No.

Good heavens, no.

No, I lived near London when I was a boy. Henfield.

My father still lives there. In the same house, in fact.

I've been trying to persuade him to get a transfer up here.

He works in a bank, you see, but he just won't do anything about it.

Well, it is their home, after all.

Yes, I know, but my mother died a few years ago.

I just think the change would do him good.

Perhaps.

Thank you for coming so promptly, Mr Herriot.

I'll see you next month.

Right.

WHISTLING

Yes, she's quite a girl, Helen Alderson.

Been running that place single-handed since her mother died.

Her old dad, he relies on her completely.

Ah. She's not married, then?

No. A bit choosy, I gather.

There've been a lot of blokes chasing her,

but they don't seem to have got very far.

CHILDREN SHOUT OUTSIDE

Good morning, Siegfried.

Is it?

I was up at 4am.

And it's all your fault too.

-My fault?

-Hmm.

Yes. A cow with a very mild infection of the rumen.

The farmer had been mucking about with it himself.

Linseed oil one day, bit of bicarb and ginger the next,

and then at four o'clock in the morning he decides to call the vet.

When I said it could have waited a few hours more,

he said, "Oh, no. Mr Herriot told us to ring any time, day or night."

Yes, well, I'm terribly sorry about that, Siegfried.

You're spoiling these chaps, James, and I'm getting the backwash of it.

But I thought the rule was, "You must attend".

Rule? What rule? What are you talking about?

Supposing the animal died?

Serve him right. TRISTAN!

Nothing like a dead animal to bring them to their senses.

They'll call us out earlier next time.

There's no need to shout.

What's the matter with you today?

-Nothing.

-Just the usual sore head.

-What?

-I heard you come in last night. Well, we all did, I'm sure.

Falling over the chair and banging the door!

I only went down to the Black Bull.

If you must get drunk three or four times a week,

-I do wish you would do it a little more quietly.

-Is that all?

No. Don't forget it's market day tomorrow.

-Market day?

-Yes! It's the end of the month and the bills have gone out.

-Oh, yes.

-And I want you to devote the entire day...

The entire day, Tristan, to taking their cheques

and giving them a receipt,

and entering their names accurately in the receipt book.

Right.

Let's hope you can do that without making a bloody hash of it.

OINKING

This way! Pig buyers!

Pig buyers up this way, please.

Go, this way, pig buyers. Pig buyers up this way, please.

£2, sir? £2?

At £2.

£2. £2. Two pounds five.

Two pounds eight, two pounds eight.

I know what you want.

A nice little 32-piece tea-set.

Now, look at that there. That must be perfect.

Nice little roses. It takes four Chinamen three weeks to make

every saucer. Will you give me £3 for that? Will you give me £2.10?

Will you give me £2? A pound to you, madam,

for that wonderful tea-set.

Absolutely perfect. I'll throw in three cups,

I'll throw in three saucers

and I'll throw in three dinner plates and knives and forks.

A pound for the lot. And I'll wrap it all up in a little box for you.

Anything else? Not interested at all in that.

Can I interest you in a horsey?

A lovely little horsey for your sideboard?

Nothing for your sideboard? Go all right in the morning with

your shovel and spade all over your sideboard?

PHONE RINGS

LOUD BARKING

Quiet! Stop that noise at once!

Sorry, Mr Heaton.

-You want us to do a postmortem?

-(Have you got any money?)

A postmortem? Right.

I'll be round right away.

Hang on, James!

-Right, Mr Heaton.

-I'm coming with you.

I'm going down to Heaton's place. I'll be a couple of hours.

I believe they teach you blokes a pretty hot postmortem procedure.

I'd like to see you in action.

-How are you, Mr Armitage?

-Oh, middling, sir. Just middling.

CAR HORN BEEPS

HE BEEPS HORN REPEATEDLY

There's your receipt, Mrs Pratt. Thanks very much.

Thank you, Mr Farnon.

You're looking very smart this morning.

Smart? Me looking smart!

You know what they say, best-dressed woman in Mansley Dale.

Oh, Mr Farnon, you are a wicked one.

-Where are we going?

-Huh?

It's the other end of the village, Heaton's place.

You said "Seaton's".

I said "Heaton".

You said "Seaton".

There's no... There's no postmortem knife.

Never mind. I'll borrow a carving knife from the house.

HE WHISTLES A TUNE

-Ah, good morning.

-Good morning, Mr Farnon.

A carving knife. May we borrow a carving knife, please?

-A carving knife?

-Yes, a good sharp one.

-You want to borrow a carving knife?

-Yes, that's it, yes.

-We haven't much time, you see.

-Yes.

-HE WHISTLES

-Hello.

Ah.

This is the sharpest one we've got, Mr Farnon.

Right, let's look. Yes, well, I've seen worse.

Right, now, where's this sheep?

Sheep? What sheep?

Well, your husband telephoned us.

He wants us to do a postmortem on a sheep.

First I've heard of it.

Oh, for heaven's sake. Mr Seaton?

Is he in here? Mr Seaton?

Mr Seaton?

Must be more careful, James, in future.

Gives a very bad impression.

-It's Heaton, not Seaton.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

KNOCK AT DOOR Who is it?

< It's me. Tristan.

Oh, it's all right. Come in.

What's up? You look as if you've lost the petty cash.

It's worse than that. I've lost the bloody receipt book.

-You've done what?

-It's not funny, Jim.

I spent the last two hours ransacking the house.

I can't find it anywhere.

Heaven help us all.

I mean, we are supposed to be running a business, after all.

No system, that's the trouble.

Everything seems to be this one bloody big shambles.

Good Lord, look at that.

It was a golf ball last year.

Shower up, will you, James?

You see, what we need is a...

an expert, someone who can do these jobs properly.

Tristan can't be trusted to blow his own nose

without making a ruddy mess of it.

Go easy with that dusting powder!

You see, what we need is...

..a secretary, James, a secretary.

Someone who can do the paperwork properly.

What exactly is this, Mr Farnon?

Well, that's our ledger, you see.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Yes, we enter the visit into that from our day book.

Which is here somewhere...

Hang on.

GROWLING

Here we are.

There we are.

I'm afraid you gentlemen will have to learn to write

if I'm going to look after your books.

What seems to be the trouble, Miss Harbottle?

Well, there are three quite different hands here.

That one is by far the worst.

It's quite dreadful. Whose is it?

Um.

Well, it is mine, actually.

I was probably in a bit of a hurry that day.

Hm! It's all the same.

Look here, and here,

and here.

It won't do, you know.

-Yes, well, I'm sorry.

-Where do you keep your cashbox?

Ah!

Well, actually, we don't have a cashbox, Miss Harbottle.

-We just stuff it in there, you see.

-What about the petty cash?

Yes, it all goes in there.

All cash, petty and otherwise.

How you've managed to go on like this for so long I can't imagine.

There'll have to be some changes made.

Some really quite...drastic changes.

-He's getting on a bit, isn't he, Mr Dean?

-Aye. Is that.

Coming up to 16 next April.

Lively as a puppy is all, when he feels in the mood.

-Is he off his food?

-Oh, yes.

Right off, yeah.

Which is strange, you know, because, by gum, he can eat.

He'd get through three or four meals a day, you know,

if he had the chance. Is he going to be ill long?

Doesn't seem right, you know, to have him poorly.

Well, the thing is....

I'm afraid it's rather serious.

There's this large swelling here. It's caused by an internal growth.

You mean cancer?

I'm afraid so.

I wish there was something I could do for him, but there isn't.

You mean he's going to die?

Well, he's in some distress now. It's going to get worse.

I think it'd be a kindness if we put him to sleep.

Just a minute.

All right, Mr Herriot, you'd best do it now.

There's no need to worry.

It's just an overdose of an anaesthetic.

Quite painless.

Good, quick way out for the old boy.

DOG PANTS

There's a good boy.

There we are.

There, there...

Is that it?

Yes.

He's out of his pain now.

Well, you're quite right, Mr Herriot. We couldn't see him suffer.

I'm very grateful, you know, for what you've done.

-Well... We'd best settle up now.

-No, that's all right, Mr Dean.

I had to pass your house anyway. It's no problem.

-No, no, Mr Herriot.

-Let's say no more about it.

-No, please, I'm not...

-Not another word.

Mr Herriot! Just a minute!

Mr Herriot.

Thank you, sir. You've been very kind to me, sir.

I've got something for you.

This is for you. A cigar.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

DOG BARKS INSIDE

-Good morning, Mrs Hall.

-Morning, Mr Broadbent. Bit chilly today.

Did you hear about Luke Benson's missus

running off with that young fella from Clover Hill?

Yes. Dreadful, isn't it?

-And I'll tell you something else, Mrs Hall.

-Yes?

I wish somebody'd take my old bugger!

HE LAUGHS

CROCKERY CLATTERS

Please don't do that.

Don't do what?

It sets my teeth on edge. That scraping noise.

Oh, I see. You're in one of your moods, are you?

I've got a terrible headache.

Hangover is the word, Tristan.

Hangover.

I'm not surprised...

..the amount you put away last night.

You didn't do too badly yourself.

I know when to stop, unlike some people.

-DOGS BARK OUTSIDE

-Shut up!

It's just the morning mail.

Oh, heaven help us. I can't face all that efficiency this morning.

Hangover's the word, Siegfried. Hangover.

I've put the business mail in the office, Mr Farnon.

-Personal letter for you, Mr Herriot.

-Thank you, Miss Harbottle.

I should like to start as soon as possible.

There is a great deal of work to be done.

Yes, in a minute, Miss Harbottle.

-Oh, Lord.

-What is it? Another bill?

Uh, it's...

..an invitation.

Let me see.

Listen to this. "Tricki Woo requests the pleasure

"of Uncle Herriot's company at a garden party on August 5th."

Very funny. What on earth am I going to do, Siegfried?

Well, accept, of course.

Mrs Pumphrey's parties are famous.

Mountains of food and rivers of champagne.

And since you're invited by Tricky Woo himself,

you'll be the guest of honour.

MUSIC PLAYS

# This world's becoming a gay one

# I used to think it a grey one

# But I discovered it's A1 just now

# It's taken on a new meaning

# It's very nice to be seen in

# There's been a little spring cleaning somehow

# Who's been polishing the sun

# Rubbing out the clouds of grey?

# They must've known just how I like it

# Everything's coming my way

# Who's been teaching all the birds

# How to sing a roundelay?

# They must've known just how I like it

# Everything's coming my way

# Yesterday everything looked anyhow

# When I met someone and look at it now

# Who's been polishing the sun

# Rubbing out the clouds of grey?

# They must have known just how I like it

# Everything's coming my way

# Tell me who's been polishing the sun

# Sweeping all the stormy clouds away?

# They must've known just how I like it

# Every little thing's going to be OK

# Tell me, who's been teaching all the birds

# How to sing a merry roundelay... #

LAUGHTER AND CHATTER NEARBY

-Yes, it's quite good, isn't it?

-SHE CHUCKLES

Ah, James!

You've met Joyce, haven't you?

-Yes.

-No.

-We met at the races.

Oh, yes, sorry.

Do me a favour.

Yes, of course.

I want you to post this.

I want it to go out this evening, you see.

You want me to post it?

Yes. You're going to this gramophone thing, aren't you?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Aren't you?

Well, I was going to go with Tristan,

but he seems to have changed his mind.

Oh! You don't need Tristan to hold your hand, surely?

It's the music you're going for, after all. Hm?

Yes.

Yes.

Well, I'll see you later.

I do hope you have a nice time.

Yes.

GRAMOPHONE PLAYS CHAMBER MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

MUSIC RESUMES

Let me have a go.

Are you sure it's not too grand?

No, of course not.

Everyone goes to the Reniston.

You've got to impress her, after all.

You can't take her to the Black Bull.

HE SCOFFS

There.

-How do I look?

-Not bad.

THUNDER RUMBLES, DOGS WHINE

Not bad at all.

The sleeves are a bit short.

A mere detail.

Nothing to worry about.

Yes, I can just see it.

Sweet music oozing out of Benny Thornton's trombone, and you,

full of lobster thermidor, floating round the dance floor.

Good heavens. Prince Charming off to the ball.

I'm taking Helen Alderson out to dinner.

Ah, yes, tonight's the night.

Where did you get the suit from?

I borrowed it from Tristan.

The sleeves are a little bit short, aren't they?

Stop undermining his confidence and finding fault.

What confidence?

THUNDER CRASHES

TOOLS CLATTER

TOOLS THUMP ON BACK SEAT

Not bad. Five minutes flat, eh?

ENGINE STARTS

You're absolutely drenched.

I'll soon dry.

Look at your shoes!

Yes.

Well... Doesn't matter.

We'd better go back home.

You can borrow a pair of my father's.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Dreadful night.

I've known worse.

Oh, yes, so have I. Much worse.

Pity about them trousers.

Oh, they'll be all right once they're pressed.

Rots the fabric, or so I'm told.

Never the same after a good soaking.

Here we are.

Will these be all right?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Yes, they're fine...

Good evening, sir.

Are we too late for the dinner dance?

There's no dance tonight, sir.

We only hold them once a fortnight.

Oh. Well, I didn't realise.

Never mind. We can have dinner, then.

Table for two, sir?

Yes, please.

This way, please.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, sir. Nice to see you again.

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

Are you staying, sir?

Well, yes, of course.

What room number, sir?

Why... I'm not living here.

I see.

Not staying.

-Have you been here before?

-Once or twice.

It's very...

Very comfortable, isn't it?

A bit ostentatious.

Yes.

Yes, it is a bit.

-How's the calf?

-How's the what?

-The calf with the broken leg.

-Oh, fine.

Father took the bandage off.

Seemed a bit silly to drag you all the way out there.

Well, I wouldn't have minded.

-How's the beef?

-All being well, it should be a very good year.

We're quite pleased about it.

Good. Actually, I meant this beef.

This beef?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's nice. Very nice indeed.

Are you happy here?

Well, yes. Aren't you?

I meant in Darrowby, in your job.

Well, of course.

Don't I seem to be?

I just wondered.

It must feel a bit strange sometimes.

Why should it?

It's not what you're used to, after all, this sort of life.

I thought I was settling down rather well.

-I didn't mean that.

-Well, don't you think I am?

Yes. You're doing wonderfully.

Everyone likes you very much.

Oh, don't look so worried. It was just a passing thought.

I didn't mean to upset you, it's just that...

-we were wondering if you ever miss London.

-We?

I was telling my father about your family.

He asked me whereabouts in the country you came from.

I suppose he doesn't approve.

It isn't a question of approve or disapprove.

Don't be so edgy.

Look, it was just a casual remark.

Let's forget it, shall we?

CHURCH BELLS RING, BAUBLE TINKLES

It's quite obvious that your social life has suffered badly

-during my absence.

-I've been working, Tristan!

Don't you start, please.

I've had enough brotherly advice to last me a lifetime.

Anyway, I'll pass in the summer. I'm bound to.

Not many berries on this stuff, are there?

You're behaving like a bullock with a bellyache.

All because you had a disastrous night

and she's given you the old heave-ho. Well, so what?

Do you know how many times I've been spurned?

Spurned?

It never even got started.

Forget it, lad, and get out into the big world.

The rich tapestry of life is waiting for you there.

Think of all the lovely girls in Darrowby.

You can hardly move for them.

Tell you what, why don't you let me fix something up?

'Nice little foursome.

'Just what you need.'

Connie.

Brenda. The two prettiest nurses in the whole of Yorkshire.

BRENDA AND CONNIE LAUGH Hello, Connie.

You'll have to watch him, girls. He's a devil with women.

THEY GIGGLE

How about a little drink to get us all in the mood?

# Five gold rings!

ALL: # Four calling birds, three French hens

# Two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree! #

Come on, drink up.

It's time we were off to that dance.

DRUMROLL

Ladies and gentlemen, please take your partners for the Lambeth Walk.

Now, come on, everyone. We want you all on the floor.

BAND PLAYS LAMBETH WALK

-# Doing the Lambeth Walk!

-Hoi! #

-Hold it, now, hold it!

-BAND STOPS

Let's have a bit more hoi!

-Hoi!

-All right, once more, boys.

BAND PLAYS INTRO

# Any time you're Lambeth way

# Any evening, any day

# You'll find us all

# Doin' the Lambeth walk. HOI! #

Better.

# Every little Lambeth gal

# With her little Lambeth pal

# You'll find 'em all... Hey!

# Doin' the Lambeth Walk! HOI!

# Everything's free and easy

# Do as you darn well pleasey

# Why don't you make your way there?

# Go there, stay there

# Once you get down Lambeth way

-# Every evening...

-Bom-bom-bom

# You'll find them all, hey!

# Doin' the Lambeth Walk! HOI! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Connie?

-Try some of this. It's delicious.

-What is it?

-Pork pie.

-I've got trifle.

-It doesn't matter. Try some.

APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS WALTZ

James?

I don't feel very well...

SHE RETCHES

SHE RETCHES

Are you enjoying the dance?

Merry Christmas, James.

Same to you.

I've had a cow struck by lightning.

It's laid up in the field.

Are you sure it was lightning, Mr Cranford?

We haven't had a storm today.

Maybe you haven't had one, but we've had one here.

Must be lightning. Couldn't be owt else.

-Morning, Mr Herriot.

-Bugger t'morning!

Get on with some work!

Are you sure it was killed by lightning, Mr Cranford?

Couldn't be owt else.

Nasty storm. A good beast like that dropped down dead.

It didn't exactly drop down, did it?

It died in convulsions.

You can see here, where its hooves have kicked up the grass.

All right, then. It had a convulsion,

but it was the lightning that brought it on.

No, I'm not so sure.

One of the signs of lightning stroke

is that the animal falls without a struggle.

Some of them still have the grass in their mouths.

-Well, it's not all the same, you know.

-No, no, I realise that.

Look here. I've been among livestock for half a century.

This isn't the first beast I've seen struck.

This could have been caused by so many things.

What about the side and shoulder?

What about the bloody burn?

Doesn't prove very much, Mr Cranford.

What do you mean?

-I just want to be sure, that's all.

-Don't give me that.

I know what's in your mind, oh, aye.

Did it myself with a red-hot poker,

just so as I could get the insurance?

I can't sign a death certificate without doing a postmortem.

That beast's worth £80 to me! I can't afford to lose £80!

I'll see you at Mallock's yard tomorrow morning, ten o'clock.

All right?

No bother at all.

Now, let's take a look at her.

SAWING, SLICING

Aye.

There you are.

It seems you was right, Mr Cranford.

Aye, it does, doesn't it?

Lightning got her. There's no mistaking that.

Perhaps Mr Herriot would be kind enough to give us his opinion.

Yes.

Lightning.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, Jeff. Very grateful.

You can tell Mr Farnon I'll be going to another vet in future.

I won't forget this either.

I've got influence round here, you know!

I've got influence round here!

BLEATING

-SIEGFRIED:

-Please hear me out, Miss Harbottle!

It's the tenth day of the month and the accounts haven't even gone out.

-But Mr Farnon!

-Think of the interest we're losing?

-I can't waste money...

-How can I?

-Don't change the subject!

It's efficiency, Miss Harbottle. That's what we need. Efficiency!

What is it?

-Ignition keys.

-Life would be easier

if you would take a leaf out of Mr Herriot's book.

-Oh, yes? In what way?

-Well, at least he keeps proper records!

-Well, what do you think that is?

-A meaningless scrawl!

I have done my best, Mr Farnon...

..but I can't work miracles.

DOOR SLAMS, DOGS BARK

Yes, well.

You've had some good ideas, James.

Yes, I'd be the first to admit that.

But Miss Harbottle certainly wasn't one of them!

Far from it. Far, far from it...

PHONE RINGS

-Darrowby 85.

-'Is that Mr Farnon?'

No, I'm afraid he's out. This is his assistant.

-'I'm Mr Soames, Lord Hulton's farm manager.'

-Yes, Mr Soames.

'You'd better get over here straightaway

'and bring some arecoline with you.

-Arecoline?

-'Mr Farnon always uses it.

'We've got a valuable hunting horse with colic.

'You know anything about colic?'

I'm a veterinary surgeon, so I should know something about it.

'Let's hope so. It's one of His Lordship's best hunters.'

Right. I'm leaving now, Mr Soames.

HORSE GRUNTS

-How long has he been like this?

-All day. I've told you.

Put a halter on him. I'll examine him now.

-Whoa, lad. Whoa.

-Have you got the arecoline with you?

HORSE GRUNTS AND SNORTS

This is no ordinary colic, Mr Soames.

Then what the hell is it?

I'm pretty sure it's a severe torsion.

-Twisted bowel.

-What do you mean, a twisted bowel?

The horse has got bellyache, that's all.

He hasn't passed anything all day. He needs something to shift it.

If this is a torsion,

-the arecoline is the worst possible thing you could give him.

-Rubbish.

He's in agony now, but that would drive him mad.

-It works by contracting the muscle...

-All right!

Don't start giving me a bloody lecture!

Are you going to do something for that horse or are you not?

I'll need a bucket of water, soap, and towels.

-What the devil for?

-I want to do a rectal examination.

God almighty, I've never heard such nonsense.

Don't just stand there doing nothing.

Fetch the bloody water and let's get on with it!

Well?

The bowel is badly displaced.

I'm pretty sure it's a torsion.

So...

..what's the treatment?

There's nothing I can do.

There's no treatment. There's no cure.

No cure? What do you mean, "no cure"?

-There must be something you can do.

-I'm sorry, Mr Soames.

I think you should let me put him down immediately.

-You can't do that! You can't!

-There's no alternative. None.

-I've got the humane killer in my car.

-Are you stark bloody mad?

Do you know how much that horse is worth?

I don't care how much he's worth!

That animal's been going through hell all day, and it's dying now.

What if you're wrong?

I'm as sure as I can be.

He may live a few more hours but the end will be the same.

You should have called me out long ago.

(God almighty, why did this have to happen now?)

His Lordship's on holiday.

I can't even get in touch with him.

Where the hell is Farnon?

-He's gone to see his mother.

-All right, then.

Let's wait till he gets back.

Let's do that, huh?

Let's...

Let's ask him to have a look at the horse.

I'm sorry, Mr Soames.

It must be done now.

GUNSHOT

I see.

So, he got a bit nasty, did he?

Well, yes, he did. He said he'd sue us

if the postmortem showed I was wrong.

Oh, that's just Soames letting off a bit of steam.

He's a bullying bugger at the best of times.

I just didn't know what to do.

Well, don't worry, James,

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll pop round first thing tomorrow morning and get it all sorted out.

All right? Now, how about a nice glass of whisky to calm the nerves?

Uh, no, thanks. I think I'll pop on to bed.

All right. By the way, any calls that come through, um...

-I'll take them.

-Thank you very much, Siegfried.

-Thank you.

-Goodnight. Sleep well.

What was all that about?

There's a spot of trouble at Lord Hulton's estate.

So I gathered.

-Is it serious?

-Mm, could be.

Well, it seems I owe you an apology, Mr Herriot.

Colic drench?

No.

No, get rid of that.

-Universal Cattle Medicine.

-What?

"A sovereign remedy for coughs, chills, scours,

"pneumonia, milk fever,

"and all forms of indigestion.

"Never fails to give relief."

That sounds rather good.

I might even try some myself.

THEY CHUCKLE

Mr Farnon?

Yes?

-I have been looking everywhere for you.

-Oh, really?

-Is anything wrong?

-Indeed there is.

Perhaps you would explain to me why, once more,

you have emptied my petty cash box?

Um, yes, well, I'm sorry.

I had to rush to Broughton last night to see my mother.

That is no excuse, Mr Farnon.

How can I keep efficient records when you keep stealing the money,

and then spending it?

I will not tolerate such...

anarchy!

Give me the receipt, Miss Harbottle.

I will not tolerate being told

how or why and when to spend my own money!

If that's efficiency, I prefer anarchy!

-A lady's brought a dog, sir.

-I'll deal with it.

Not you, sir. Mr Herriot.

It's Miss Alderson.

Is it bad?

A dislocated hip.

Nasty, but no more.

He should be all right.

It's a good job you brought him in when you did, though.

-The sooner it's dealt with the better.

-When can you do it?

Oh, right now, immediately.

-I'll have to call Siegfried, though. It's a two-man job.

-Can't I help?

I'd very much like to.

It'll mean a bit of pulling.

Would you mind playing tug-of-war?

With Dan in the middle?

Don't worry, I'm not squeamish.

I like working with animals.

Fair enough.

Here. Put this coat on.

Right, now, just link your hands beneath the thigh.

Try and hold him there while I pull.

OK? Here I go.

BONE CLICKS

-Is that it?

-Let's hope it stays put.

We'll keep our fingers crossed.

How long will it be before he comes round?

-He'll be out all day. Let me take the coat.

-Oh, thanks.

I'd like to keep him here for the rest of the week, just to be sure.

I'll come and get him on Friday.

Don't bother. I'll bring him round.

Bring him round?

Perhaps you'd like to go to the pictures?

What...?!

Well, there's a good film on at the Darrowby Plaza next week.

I could bring the dog round, and take you out, if you'd like to?

I mean, if that'd be all right.

It would be very nice, James.

Thank you for asking me.

'That was where I saw it.

'A terrifying thing in black.

'It came running across the lawn.

'It laughed. I heard it laugh!

'Mad laughter!

'I'm so scared to see it again!

'Come and live in a place like this!

'I don't mind it much in the daytime.

'You wouldn't catch me here after dark. No, not for twice the money.

-'How you stick it I don't know.

-Oh, he's a he-man.

'There's always a lot of silly talk about old houses like this.

'Just all talk. Like you.

'Me? You want to have heard Mrs Elvery this morning. She saw it.

'It had a thing over his head. All ghostly, he was, in the moonlight.

'Oh, shut up. You're giving me the creeps.

SCREAMING

-'I saw it!

-What?

-A thing!'

KNOCK ON DOOR

She's dead.

What?

Died last Tuesday.

Thought you'd like to know.

Oh.

Who's dead?

-Don't know.

-Who's that?

-Can't remember.

-Oh!

-I knew from the start you were on the wrong track.

-Oh?

'Eternal peace...'

'You know, Mary, that I love you,

'but your heart is elsewhere.

'A younger and luckier man

'shattered the dream of my life.

'I found you could never be mine...

'..and so, I bring you to the man of your choice...'

LOUD SNORING

SCREAMING

'And I said to Connor, when you meet him you will die.

-'But when I meet him...

-CACKLING'

Excuse me! Miss?

I thought this was supposed to be the Greta Garbo film.

No, sir, that's next week.

SHE GIGGLES

CRASHING

LOUD SNORING

I'm sorry.

SHE LAUGHS

BOTH LAUGH

Look, next time, why don't we just go for a walk?

CLATTERING ON SCREEN

SEAGULLS CRY

-Is it all right?

-Mm, lovely.

Go on, then. You were telling me about this man, the lorry driver.

Oh, Terry Watson? Well...

he's always kept a few pigs at the end of his garden.

He wouldn't be able to afford any meat, otherwise, I should think.

I went into the house one day just after they killed one of the pigs.

Mrs Watson was cutting it up for pies and brawn...

..and there was Terry, sitting in front of the fire,

-sobbing his heart out.

-Crying?

It was always the same.

He's a big man...

Huge! He can throw a 12-stone sack of meal

on the back of his wagon without thinking twice about it,

but every time they kill one of the pigs, he cries for three days.

It's love.

He loves them. It can't be anything else.

Oh, come off it, Siegfried.

Stop pulling my leg.

I'm not pulling your leg.

I'm doing nothing of the sort.

I've only just started my career.

I've got no money.

Nothing. I hadn't even given it a thought.

You haven't thought about getting married?

Come on, James, don't tell such whacking fibs.

-It's been going on for a year now, hasn't it?

-What has?

Helen Alderson. You and Helen Alderson.

-You're courting, aren't you?

-Well, I wouldn't exactly call it courting!

Now, now...

What would you call it, then?

I don't know. Courting's putting it a bit strong.

Well.

They say... What do they say?

Caution is a virtue.

If you don't mind my saying so, I think you carry it miles too far.

I think you're far too cautious.

Do you know what I mean?

Far too apprehensive.

Always worrying about little details and all that.

Come on, a young chap like you, good-looking,

and Helen Alderson is immensely attractive and a jolly good cook.

She's an excellent cook, in fact.

If you take my advice, you'd get that girl into church

and married before the month is out.

Well, come on, get on with it!

I want to start on the asparagus after lunch.

Anybody home?

DOGS BARK NEARBY

Anybody home?

Good evening, Mr Alderson.

Good evening.

-Something wrong?

-No.

No, I was just passing. Been up to Sharp's place.

Trouble with one of his Jerseys. Ah.

Twisted calf bit.

-Quite tricky, really.

-Oh, aye, it is.

I hope you don't mind me dropping in like this.

Suit yourself.

Helen's gone to York today.

One of her friends is getting married.

Yes, she told me.

Just so long as you know.

I gather you think I'm a bit of a Londoner.

Helen said so.

Well, it's true anyway.

Not any more.

Maybe not.

This is my home now.

Home is where you're born, lad.

That's summat I always thought.

You can move around as much as you like, it'll make no difference.

-I don't agree with you, Mr Alderson.

-Aye, well.

-Each man to his own opinion.

-I'm happy here.

-I don't want to leave.

-Not yet, perhaps.

Never.

It's what I've always wanted.

To be a vet,

living in a place like this.

Settling down. It's what I've always wanted.

Aye, well, I'm glad you're happy.

There's not many folk can say that these days.

This is done.

I'll go get me supper.

Mr Alderson, I want to marry her.

I want to marry Helen.

You'd, erm, better come into the house.

Thank you very much, Mr Alderson.

HE SPLUTTERS

We've been having some good weather.

-Yes, we have.

-Mind you, a bit of rain at night might do some good.

Yes.

Yes, it would.

-About Helen...

-Would you like some more whisky?

No. No, I've had enough.

I had a wife in thousands, James.

Yes.

Yes, I've heard a lot about her.

She was the grandest lass about for miles, and the bonniest.

Nobody thought that she'd have a fella like me, but she did.

Oh, aye, she did.

Her father used to have a place on Mustang Fell.

Big place it was, too. It was a big place.

And I used to see her some days on market day.

I thought she was the prettiest thing alive.

No man could have been more happy than me.

We had a good life together,

and I'm grateful for it.

She was a grand wife. I loved her.

Helen's a lot like her in many ways.

I can see it.

The mother in the daughter.

The same smile, the way she holds her head.

Same voice, even.

No man could ever have wished for a better wife.

Gentle, kind, loving.

Ohh...

Oh...

I don't think I'll... bother with any supper now.

It's a bit late.

HE LAUGHS AND GRUNTS

Aye, she's just like her mother.

The right lass for you.

-RADIO:

-'The German wireless announced tonight

'the German government's reply to a British communication...'

-Evening, Siegfried.

-Oh, yeah...

-What was it?

-A bit of mastitis. Nothing serious.

Would you like some of Mrs Pumphrey's sherry?

No, thank you, no.

She spoils you, that woman does.

What's the matter with you?

The bloody Ministry.

They want us to start TB testing at Allerthorpe next week.

-Blasted forms.

-Next week?

-That's right, next week.

-When you will be dancing off on your honeymoon.

-Very sorry.

You just don't think ahead, James, that's your trouble.

Always charging ahead without a thought for others.

Hang on just a minute!

Why, for heaven's sake, do you have to rush into it like this?

-I mean, marriage is a very serious thing...!

-Look here, Siegfried.

You know what they say. Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

But it was your idea, for God's sake!

You really are the most bloody-minded person!

All right, don't lose your temper.

I'm not saying you did anything wrong.

It's just the improvidence of youth, I suppose. Still, you'll learn.

Right.

-We'll go to Allerthorpe, and stay at the Wheatsheaf.

-What, with Helen?

She wouldn't mind, I shouldn't think.

We haven't made any plans, after all.

Certainly not. I wouldn't dream of it.

If I say we're going to Allerthorpe, we're going to Allerthorpe!

And give me those bloody forms!

LOWING

-Well, that seems to be the lot.

-Aye, that's it.

-Good.

Right, I'll be back on Thursday - morning if possible.

I thought you were getting married, Mr Herriot.

I am. Tomorrow.

What, no honeymoon?

And you'll be coming back on Thursday?

These tests have got to be finished, Mrs Seaton!

I'll be coming back with my wife.

CHURCH BELLS RING

SHE GIGGLES

-Helen, look at that!

-What?

-Stop!

Go back, go back.

Look!

He's made me a partner!