The Full Monty


The Full Monty

Similar Content

Browse content similar to The Full Monty. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

This film contains strong language from the start

0:00:260:00:33

PROJECTOR WHIRRS

0:00:450:00:47

"Welcome to Sheffield - the beating heart of Britain's industrial North.

0:00:470:00:51

"The jewel in Yorkshire's crown is home to over 500,000 people,

0:00:510:00:56

"and thousands more flock here daily to shop and to work.

0:00:560:01:00

"All this is built on Sheffield's primary industry - steel.

0:01:000:01:05

"The city's rolling mills, forges

0:01:050:01:08

"and workshops employ some 90,000 men and state-of-the-art machinery

0:01:080:01:13

"to make the world's finest steel -

0:01:130:01:16

"from high-tensile girders to cutlery that ends up on your dining table.

0:01:160:01:21

"But it's not all hard work for the people of Steel City."

0:01:210:01:25

"They can spend the day lounging by the pool,

0:01:250:01:28

"watching one of our top soccer teams,

0:01:280:01:30

"or browsing in the shops.

0:01:300:01:32

"But when the sun goes down, the fun really starts...

0:01:350:01:39

"in the city's numerous nightclubs and discotheques.

0:01:390:01:43

"Yes, Yorkshire folk know how to have a good time!

0:01:430:01:46

"And it's good times for the city's housing, too.

0:01:460:01:49

"Sheffield leads the way in town planning.

0:01:490:01:51

"Victorian slums have been cleared

0:01:510:01:53

"to make way for the homes of the future.

0:01:530:01:55

"Thanks to steel,

0:01:580:02:00

"Sheffield really is a city on the move!"

0:02:000:02:04

CLANKING METAL

0:02:210:02:23

Who's going to buy a rusty girder? Come on.

0:02:240:02:27

Dad, it's stealing.

0:02:270:02:29

No, it's liberating, love. Liberating.

0:02:290:02:31

Gaz, hang on.

0:02:310:02:34

Ten years we worked in here, and now look.

0:02:350:02:37

-What if we get caught?

-You don't get a record till you're 16.

0:02:370:02:41

Just don't tell your mum.

0:02:410:02:42

Hey, listen.

0:02:420:02:44

Music.

0:02:440:02:46

Yeah.

0:02:460:02:48

MUSIC: Slaidburn by William Rimmer

0:02:480:02:51

Bloody hell!

0:02:510:02:53

What are they doing?

0:02:570:02:59

It's the works' band. It's still going.

0:02:590:03:02

It's about the only thing round here that is.

0:03:020:03:06

Ey-up! The security guard's back.

0:03:060:03:09

CLATTERING

0:03:090:03:11

It won't take a minute, he says. It won't take a minute. Now what?

0:03:180:03:22

Shut up. I'm thinking.

0:03:220:03:25

Can't we do normal things sometimes?

0:03:250:03:27

What's up with you? This is normal.

0:03:270:03:30

Aye. Everyday stuff, this. I think this bugger's sinking.

0:03:300:03:34

Pick it up and try and slide it across t'other side. That's it.

0:03:350:03:40

No, no! Fucking hell, Nath.

0:03:400:03:43

They're 20 quid each, them. That were your bloody maintenance.

0:03:430:03:47

-Oh, shit!

-Ah, nice one.

0:03:470:03:50

< Nath.

0:03:500:03:52

Nathan... Fucking hell!

0:03:520:03:54

Come here. Come here. Come here.

0:03:540:03:56

(Jesus!) Stay still.

0:03:560:03:59

Stay still! Stay still!

0:03:590:04:01

All right.

0:04:010:04:03

What's your initiative got to say about this then, bog eyes?

0:04:030:04:07

Ey-up,

0:04:080:04:10

there's someone coming.

0:04:100:04:13

-All right?

-Aye, not so bad.

0:04:130:04:17

Not so bad?

0:04:170:04:19

Not so bad?! That's not much of a chuffing SOS, is it?

0:04:190:04:22

All right! Don't get a benny on.

0:04:220:04:25

Shit!

0:04:270:04:29

My jeans are bloody soaking.

0:04:350:04:37

You should've taken your kit off. What's up? Are you shy?

0:04:370:04:39

Don't. Just shut it, all right?

0:04:390:04:41

HE LAUGHS

0:04:410:04:43

Ey-up, Dave. All right, babe?

0:04:430:04:45

Dad!

0:04:450:04:47

What do you reckon, Dave? Eight? Maybe even a nine.

0:04:470:04:50

-You can never tell till you see their tits.

-Dad!

0:04:500:04:54

-What's all this, then?

-It's them Chippendale efforts.

0:04:540:04:57

-You what?

-Them dancers. Mum were going on about it.

0:04:570:05:00

You're joking! She must be getting desperate.

0:05:000:05:04

-Are you all waiting for me?

-Yeah... to go home.

0:05:040:05:07

You know where to find me when you're tired of looking at them poofs.

0:05:070:05:09

Come on, Gaz. I'm freezing.

0:05:090:05:12

Women only!

0:05:120:05:14

Cheeky buggers. It's a bloody working men's club.

0:05:140:05:18

< I mean, look at the state of that.

0:05:180:05:20

I don't know why you've got to smile about.

0:05:200:05:22

I mean, he's got no willy for starters, has he?

0:05:220:05:23

There's nowt in a gym will help you there, mate.

0:05:230:05:26

No decent woman would be seen dead in there.

0:05:260:05:28

Jean would.

0:05:280:05:30

Oh, Dave. What's going on?

0:05:300:05:33

It's her money, isn't it?

0:05:330:05:35

Fucking hell! Are you going to just stand there while some poof's waving his tackle at your missus!

0:05:350:05:40

Where's your pride, man? She's already got you hoovering.

0:05:400:05:43

I let it go. But this, no. Get her out and tell her what for.

0:05:430:05:46

He can't. It's women only.

0:05:460:05:48

Just hurry up. My feet have gone numb.

0:05:510:05:54

That's gratitude.

0:05:540:05:55

We're riding into "alley of death" for you, you fat git.

0:05:550:05:58

It's not my fault I can't fit through, is it?

0:05:580:06:02

Right. I'll be waiting here, keeping guard.

0:06:020:06:05

Find Auntie Jean and tell her Uncle Dave wants a word.

0:06:050:06:07

Do I have to?

0:06:070:06:09

Good kid. On you go.

0:06:090:06:11

CHEERING

0:06:110:06:13

MUSIC: I'm The Leader Of The Gang by Gary Glitter

0:06:140:06:17

# Come on, come on, come on, come on

0:06:190:06:22

# Come on, come on, come on

0:06:220:06:24

# Let's go! Come on, come on

0:06:240:06:27

# Come on, come on, come on, come on

0:06:270:06:31

# Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on... #

0:06:320:06:35

I'm not waiting in that bloody queue.

0:06:420:06:45

I always wanted a nosy in the men's. Oh, muscles!

0:06:450:06:48

It's not their bodies. It's what they do with them that counts. >

0:06:480:06:51

I don't know what you're worrying about

0:06:510:06:54

-with you-know-who on your tail.

-# Frankie! #

0:06:540:06:58

Eh, eh! Frank don't fancy me,

0:06:580:07:00

and I don't fancy Frank, right?

0:07:000:07:02

So bloody well give over.

0:07:020:07:04

Eh, do you think he might, though?

0:07:060:07:08

No, I couldn't do that to Dave.

0:07:110:07:13

Not even if I wanted to.

0:07:130:07:16

But it's like he's given up.

0:07:180:07:21

Work. Me. Everything.

0:07:210:07:23

-Ah, love.

-Here, love. This'll cheer you up.

0:07:240:07:27

I weren't in t'Girl Guides for nowt.

0:07:350:07:38

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

0:07:380:07:40

Gaz. Gaz. That were our Jean, weren't it?

0:07:550:07:58

No. Just a couple of tarts. I'm going back in for Nath.

0:07:580:08:02

MUSIC: Hot Stuff by Donna Summer

0:08:020:08:04

You're in big trouble.

0:08:070:08:09

What about Auntie Jean?

0:08:090:08:11

CHEERING

0:08:110:08:14

Auntie Jean's busy.

0:08:140:08:16

SCREAMING

0:08:160:08:18

I don't feel well.

0:08:240:08:26

Of course you don't. You've got an hangover.

0:08:260:08:29

Take a day off. Hang about at home.

0:08:290:08:30

Your house is messy. Cold, and all.

0:08:300:08:33

Come down Jobclub. That'd be a right laugh.

0:08:330:08:35

Mum's house is always warm.

0:08:350:08:37

I can't always have the red carpet out for you, can I?

0:08:370:08:40

Anyway, it's not your mum's house. It's whatshisname... Barry's.

0:08:400:08:45

Tell you what, next weekend, I'll have a tidy round. I promise.

0:08:450:08:48

-Even go and see a footie game.

-Yeah?

0:08:480:08:51

Sunday league going down the park. It's got some right good players.

0:08:510:08:54

United are playing Man U.

0:08:540:08:56

Nath. You know I can't stretch to that.

0:08:560:08:59

You always make me do stupid stuff like last night. Other dads don't.

0:08:590:09:04

Don't they?

0:09:040:09:06

Aye.

0:09:060:09:08

Bye.

0:09:080:09:10

Here, Nath!

0:09:110:09:13

We could sneak in to Man U. There's a gap in t'fence.

0:09:130:09:15

No!

0:09:150:09:17

OK. I'll get tickets. I will.

0:09:170:09:20

Ooh, ah, Cantona, has to wear a girlie bra!

0:09:200:09:23

Stuff 'em, Nath.

0:09:260:09:28

Fuck.

0:09:300:09:32

I want your application letters done when I get back.

0:09:360:09:40

Right? Any problems, I'm outside.

0:09:400:09:42

I tell you, when women start pissing like us,

0:09:500:09:52

that's it.

0:09:520:09:54

We're finished, Dave. Extincto.

0:09:550:09:59

Yeah, but I mean...

0:09:590:10:01

How? You know... How?

0:10:010:10:03

Genetic mutations, in't it? They're turning into us.

0:10:030:10:06

A few years and men won't exist. >

0:10:060:10:08

Except in a zoo or summat. We're not needed no more.

0:10:080:10:12

Obsolete.

0:10:120:10:14

Dinosaurs. Yesterday's news.

0:10:140:10:17

Like skateboards.

0:10:200:10:22

Button it! Some of us are trying to get a job. It says 'No Smoking'!

0:10:220:10:27

And it says Jobclub!

0:10:270:10:29

When was the last time you saw one of them walk in?

0:10:290:10:32

Gerald, you're not our foreman any more.

0:10:320:10:35

You're just like the rest of us.

0:10:350:10:37

Scrap.

0:10:370:10:39

Shut it, right?

0:10:390:10:41

Hang on. Why were them women

0:10:430:10:45

in t'working men's club in the first place?

0:10:450:10:48

Now, then, cos of us - men.

0:10:480:10:50

You call them Chippendales men?

0:10:500:10:53

Degrading - that's what it were.

0:10:530:10:54

How many lasses were there?

0:10:540:10:56

Thousands, baying for blood.

0:10:560:10:58

Ten quid to watch some fucking poof get his kit off. Ten quid!

0:10:580:11:03

Right. Times ten quid by 1,000, and you've got...

0:11:030:11:06

Yeah, a lot... A very lot.

0:11:080:11:10

Ten thousand quid.

0:11:120:11:14

How much?!

0:11:140:11:16

Ten thousand quid.

0:11:160:11:18

Eh, now, Dave. I mean, it's worth a thought, though, in't it?

0:11:210:11:25

I can see Little and Large prancing round with their widgers out.

0:11:270:11:32

That would be worth ten quid.

0:11:320:11:34

Don't be so bloody daft. We were just saying.

0:11:340:11:36

Widgers on parade. Bring a microscope.

0:11:360:11:38

I don't see why the chuff not.

0:11:380:11:40

You're fat. He's thin, and you're both fucking ugly.

0:11:400:11:44

Bastard!

0:11:450:11:47

SHOUTING

0:11:470:11:49

What's this about sole custody?

0:11:590:12:01

If you want joint custody, you have to pay your share.

0:12:010:12:05

-< 700 quid.

-I'm on t'dole. Hadn't you noticed?

0:12:050:12:08

Get a job. I'll give you a job.

0:12:080:12:10

£2.50 an hour in t'black hole of Calcutta? No, thank you.

0:12:100:12:14

If you want to play games, you can, but Nathan's having two parents.

0:12:140:12:19

And your bloody lover's going to do that?

0:12:190:12:22

Here he is. Evening, Barry.

0:12:220:12:23

That'll be for the court to decide.

0:12:230:12:26

It won't. Nathan's yours and mine. He's fuck all to do with him.

0:12:260:12:29

As if you've ever given a toss.

0:12:290:12:31

Face it, Gary. He don't even like staying at yours.

0:12:310:12:34

Of course he bloody does.

0:12:340:12:36

Ask him! Ask him!

0:12:360:12:39

Nath, we have a laugh, don't we, kid? >

0:12:390:12:42

Gary! Don't.

0:12:420:12:44

Is he in? Is he in?!

0:12:440:12:46

Nath! >

0:12:460:12:48

Well, he can't hear you through your triple bloody glazing.

0:12:480:12:53

He can hear, all right.

0:12:530:12:55

This is... This is all wrong, this is.

0:12:550:12:57

It's all to fucking cock.

0:12:570:12:59

I'm his dad, and you, you're nobody.

0:12:590:13:02

Goodnight, Gary.

0:13:020:13:04

Goodnight, Nath.

0:13:170:13:19

See you, kid.

0:13:190:13:21

No, not doing it.

0:13:290:13:31

< I'm not stripping.

0:13:310:13:33

They're taking him away.

0:13:330:13:35

£700 and they've got nowt on me.

0:13:350:13:37

Gaz, no.

0:13:370:13:38

Dave, he's my kid.

0:13:380:13:40

-I suppose there's nicking cars.

-No.

0:13:400:13:43

Well, then.

0:13:430:13:45

Look, I'll help. I'm running, aren't I?

0:13:450:13:48

But I'm taking nowt off. Final.

0:13:480:13:50

Come on, Dave. Don't stop now.

0:13:500:13:52

Keep up, you fat bastard.

0:13:520:13:53

Gazza, you tosser.

0:13:530:13:55

IGNITION SPUTTERS

0:14:010:14:03

Do you need a hand? >

0:14:030:14:05

Yeah, it's your HT leads, I reckon.

0:14:140:14:17

Give it a go of that.

0:14:170:14:19

ENGINE STARTS

0:14:190:14:21

Didn't you used to work at Harrison's?

0:14:270:14:29

Ah, I thought I clocked you.

0:14:290:14:32

I were on t'floor with Gaz.

0:14:320:14:34

Him up the road.

0:14:340:14:36

How's it going, then?

0:14:360:14:38

Have you got any work?

0:14:380:14:40

No, there's not a lot about, is there?

0:14:420:14:44

Yeah, get new ones when you get the chance.

0:14:440:14:47

Oh, no. My chuffing pleasure.

0:14:480:14:51

Dave?

0:15:010:15:03

Are you all right, kid? >

0:15:120:15:14

You bastard.

0:15:140:15:16

You could shoot yourself.

0:15:360:15:38

< Where's he going to find a gun?

0:15:380:15:41

You want to find yourself a big bridge, you do.

0:15:420:15:45

Yeah, like one of them bungy jumps, without the bungy bit.

0:15:450:15:49

I can't stand heights, me.

0:15:490:15:51

Drowning. There's a way to go.

0:15:590:16:01

I can't swim.

0:16:030:16:05

You don't have to fucking swim, you divvy. That's the whole point.

0:16:050:16:10

You're not very keen, are you?

0:16:100:16:12

Sorry.

0:16:120:16:15

I know. You could stand in the middle of the road,

0:16:150:16:18

and get a mate to drive smack into you, right fast.

0:16:180:16:22

I haven't got any mates.

0:16:230:16:25

We just saved your fucking life. Don't tell us we're not your mates.

0:16:250:16:30

Yeah?

0:16:300:16:32

Yeah, me and all. >

0:16:320:16:35

I'd run you down soon as look at you.

0:16:350:16:37

Oh, cheers... Ta.

0:16:370:16:40

Thanks a lot.

0:16:440:16:46

WHEEZING

0:16:580:17:00

-What are you doing, Mum?

-Where have you been?

0:17:020:17:04

Driving.

0:17:040:17:07

Driving where?

0:17:070:17:09

Just driving.

0:17:090:17:11

I thought you'd gone.

0:17:110:17:13

< Security guard in here - no wonder he wants to die.

0:17:140:17:18

At least one bloke got a job out of this place being shut down.

0:17:180:17:22

What did you tell him for, anyroad? The kid's a nutter.

0:17:220:17:26

He's a bugle player.

0:17:260:17:28

He'll come in handy. We might need a bit of music.

0:17:280:17:31

He's got a car, somewhere to practice.

0:17:310:17:34

Besides, good whatshisname for the lad -

0:17:350:17:38

therapy.

0:17:380:17:39

Oh, aye. Jiggling about in the buff - therapy.

0:17:390:17:43

He won't be the only one trying to top himself

0:17:430:17:46

if you carry on with this caper.

0:17:460:17:48

-Dad, I'm hungry.

-CAR HORN BEEPS

0:17:480:17:50

Ey-up.

0:17:500:17:52

Eh, Lomper.

0:17:580:18:00

< Where's my rice?

0:18:000:18:01

"Try the cylinder head, tubby."

0:18:010:18:04

I don't like Chinese.

0:18:060:18:08

Of course you do... Don't you?

0:18:080:18:10

Let's see his records.

0:18:100:18:12

What have we got then, Dave?

0:18:120:18:15

The Floral Dance.

0:18:150:18:17

-Marching With Hepworth?

-Jesus Christ.

0:18:180:18:21

Ah! Hot Chocolate. Now we're talking.

0:18:210:18:24

# I believe in miracles

0:18:240:18:26

# Till you came along

0:18:260:18:28

BOTH: # You sexy thang!

0:18:280:18:30

Stick it on, Dave.

0:18:300:18:32

Dad. Dad, don't.

0:18:440:18:46

It's all right, Nathan. It's right, is this. I've seen them do it.

0:18:470:18:52

"Good evening, shoppers. Tonight's special offer... OK."

0:18:520:18:57

"You Sexy Thing."

0:18:570:18:59

One, two. A one, two, three, four.

0:18:590:19:01

MUSIC: You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate

0:19:010:19:03

CLINKING

0:19:140:19:16

# I believe in miracles

0:19:180:19:20

# Where are you from

0:19:220:19:23

# You sexy thing?

0:19:230:19:25

# Sexy thing, you

0:19:250:19:27

# I believe in miracles

0:19:270:19:29

# Since you came along

0:19:310:19:33

# You sexy thing

0:19:330:19:35

# Where did you come from? #

0:19:440:19:46

NEEDLE SCRAPES ACROSS RECORD

0:19:460:19:48

-We need an audience.

-"You need a doctor."

0:19:490:19:52

There's summat up with that kid.

0:19:570:19:59

-Are you sure you checked the whole top end?

-Yeah.

0:20:040:20:07

There's no point. He went out.

0:20:070:20:09

What?

0:20:090:20:11

I seen him go.

0:20:110:20:13

There's the beggar.

0:20:130:20:15

Oh, Nath! Nathan!

0:20:160:20:18

Nathan.

0:20:180:20:20

Hell fire!

0:20:240:20:26

What are you doing out here, kid?

0:20:260:20:27

Nowt. Walking home.

0:20:270:20:29

It's miles home. You know that.

0:20:290:20:32

Why did you run off like that?

0:20:320:20:35

You're embarrassed, aren't you?

0:20:370:20:39

You think your own dad's a dickhead.

0:20:390:20:42

We're not doing this for a laugh, you know.

0:20:440:20:47

I'm trying to get some brass together,

0:20:470:20:50

so as you and me can keep seeing each other.

0:20:500:20:53

They're trying to stop us, you see.

0:20:530:20:56

Oh, well, I may as well not bother, except I'm your dad.

0:20:560:21:00

That counts for something, don't it?

0:21:030:21:05

I like you.

0:21:100:21:12

I love you, you bugger.

0:21:130:21:15

All right, kid?

0:21:170:21:19

-All right?

-Yeah.

0:21:260:21:29

Nutter!

0:21:310:21:33

BALLROOM MUSIC PLAYS

0:21:380:21:40

< Well, you said dancing.

0:21:420:21:44

It were a great idea, kid. Just not the right sort of dancing.

0:21:440:21:48

< Gaz, eh, look here.

0:21:490:21:52

< Oh, my God!

0:21:520:21:54

< Gerald, you'll be famous down t'Jobclub.

0:21:540:21:57

< He's not bad for a bastard, is he?

0:21:570:21:59

< He's dead, that's what he is.

0:21:590:22:01

You wanted a dance teacher.

0:22:080:22:09

Gerald?! He'd tell every bugger. We'd be laughed out of Sheffield.

0:22:090:22:14

Ey-up, lads, bandits at six o'clock.

0:22:150:22:18

Ah, come in, Torvill. Park your sequins over here.

0:22:210:22:25

-You've had your little laugh. You can piss off.

-It's a free country.

0:22:250:22:29

You were good. Very nifty footwork.

0:22:290:22:31

Gerald!

0:22:310:22:33

Oh, hello. We're missing the rumba.

0:22:330:22:35

Sorry, I was having a chat with some pals from work.

0:22:350:22:38

Oh. You're not thinking of joining our class?

0:22:380:22:42

Funny you should mention it.

0:22:420:22:44

I think we'd better be getting back.

0:22:440:22:46

Well, goodnight.

0:22:460:22:48

You get back to your rumba. We'll see you later, Gerald.

0:22:480:22:52

At work.

0:22:520:22:54

He's got gnomes.

0:23:140:23:16

Aye, he bloody would have. >

0:23:160:23:18

# Ba, ba, ba, ba... #

0:23:200:23:22

Things looking up?

0:23:220:23:24

Do you know? I think they just might be.

0:23:240:23:26

You've been working too hard.

0:23:260:23:29

It's time you let one of your colleagues do the lion's share.

0:23:290:23:33

I wish you'd be firmer, Gerald.

0:23:330:23:35

Oh, well. I mustn't be late.

0:23:350:23:36

So it's all right if I...?

0:23:360:23:38

Oh, Linda love, you know -

0:23:380:23:40

Don't be so mean. Things are looking up. You said so.

0:23:400:23:43

You'll love skiing.

0:23:430:23:45

Linda...

0:23:470:23:49

It doesn't matter. Bye.

0:23:530:23:55

Hey, Gaz.

0:24:000:24:02

Off to the office, are we?

0:24:100:24:11

As a matter of fact, yes, I bloody am. Put that back!

0:24:110:24:15

See that? Interview. In the bag. Mate - I know him from Harrison's.

0:24:150:24:20

I can do the job standing on my head.

0:24:200:24:22

-I won't have to look at you again.

-Come on. We just need a bit of help.

0:24:220:24:26

I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do to help the likes of you.

0:24:260:24:29

We just want to know about dancing.

0:24:290:24:32

Dancers have co-ordination, skill, timing,

0:24:320:24:35

fitness and grace.

0:24:350:24:37

Take a long hard look in the mirror.

0:24:370:24:39

Now, I'm busy.

0:24:390:24:41

Don't be late for t'Jobclub, lads.

0:24:420:24:45

Bastard!

0:24:470:24:49

Starting at £16,000, plus the pension. >

0:24:520:24:54

It'll be a relief to get back to work.

0:24:540:24:56

It's not been an easy six months, granted.

0:24:560:24:58

I'm up-to-date with the latest industry developments,

0:24:580:25:02

and I've kept myself...

0:25:020:25:03

..busy, you know?

0:25:080:25:10

Well, all the qualifications are there, obviously,

0:25:100:25:14

and we go back further than I care to remember.

0:25:140:25:17

Sorry?

0:25:170:25:19

What we're asking is...

0:25:260:25:28

after such a long lay-off, do you think you're up to it?

0:25:280:25:32

You!

0:25:380:25:40

Fucking hell!

0:25:400:25:42

Calm down, mate.

0:25:430:25:45

Cut it out, Gerry, mate.

0:25:450:25:47

-You didn't get it, then?

-Get out the way!

0:25:470:25:49

Look, leave it.

0:25:490:25:51

Bastard! That were mine, that job!

0:25:510:25:54

You don't give a toss, you kids! It's different for me.

0:25:540:25:58

I've got a standard of living,

0:25:580:26:00

responsibilities. I were on my way up.

0:26:000:26:02

I am on my way up!

0:26:020:26:04

I had my first interview in months.

0:26:050:26:08

I could have got my first month in advance. She'd never have known.

0:26:080:26:13

Now what?

0:26:130:26:15

< She's still got credit cards.

0:26:150:26:17

She's let loose on t'high street with a fucking Barclaycard,

0:26:170:26:22

spending!

0:26:220:26:24

Why can't you just tell her?

0:26:240:26:26

How can I tell her after six months?

0:26:260:26:29

A woman who wants to go skiing for our holidays?

0:26:300:26:34

HE SOBS

0:26:350:26:37

< Skiing, for fuck's sake!

0:26:370:26:39

Why did you do it?

0:26:410:26:43

It was my job!

0:26:430:26:45

It had to be my...job.

0:26:450:26:49

Can't you just leave me alone?

0:27:270:27:29

I stuck it with Superglue.

0:27:420:27:44

You can't hardly see the join, though.

0:27:440:27:46

Go on.

0:27:520:27:55

Got this in t'jumble, like,

0:27:550:27:57

to say sorry.

0:27:570:27:59

The wheels go round and everything.

0:28:010:28:03

It's for your gnomes, really, not you, but...

0:28:050:28:09

I er...

0:28:090:28:11

I don't know...

0:28:110:28:13

It's marvellous, this.

0:28:160:28:18

We were thinking, you could maybe put it next to t'wishing well.

0:28:230:28:28

Make a bit of a...

0:28:280:28:30

Feature.

0:28:300:28:31

Yeah. What do you reck?

0:28:310:28:33

Ta, lads, eh.

0:28:390:28:41

Ta very much.

0:28:420:28:44

Cigarette me, for fuck's sake.

0:28:460:28:49

< Think any of them could dance?

0:28:520:28:55

You're not still on about this Chippendales malarkey, are you?

0:28:550:28:59

A Yorkshire version.

0:28:590:29:01

-If them buggers can, we bloody can.

-You can't dance.

0:29:010:29:04

We know, Gerald.

0:29:040:29:06

Why do you think we're trailing you?

0:29:060:29:08

It's not my kind of dancing. It's all arse-wiggling, and that.

0:29:080:29:12

I've got a degree in arse-wiggling.

0:29:120:29:14

You learn us dancing, and I'll learn you t'rest.

0:29:140:29:18

For once, I'm dead serious. I need your help.

0:29:180:29:21

What if someone spots me? What if Linda finds out? I've got standing.

0:29:210:29:25

You've an overdraft, and all, mate.

0:29:250:29:27

MUSIC: Je T'aime... Moi Non Plus by Serge Gainsbourg & Jane Birkin

0:29:270:29:32

# Je t'aime

0:29:370:29:39

# Je t'aime

0:29:390:29:41

# Oh, oui, je t'aime!

0:29:410:29:43

# Moi non plus

0:29:430:29:45

# Oh, mon amour

0:29:480:29:50

# Comme la vague irresolue

0:29:520:29:57

# Je vais, je vais et je viens

0:29:590:30:03

# Entre tes reins

0:30:070:30:09

# Je vais et je viens

0:30:120:30:15

# Entre tes reins

0:30:150:30:17

# Et je me re... #

0:30:170:30:19

MUSIC OFF

0:30:190:30:22

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

0:30:220:30:24

< I thought I'd give it a go.

0:30:240:30:27

I got a bit desperate, like. You know how it is.

0:30:270:30:30

I can't even take my kit off properly, can I?

0:30:300:30:33

You're all right, Reg. I'll get you a cup of tea.

0:30:330:30:36

No, thanks. I've got the kids outside.

0:30:360:30:38

Well, bring them in.

0:30:380:30:40

No.

0:30:400:30:42

This is no place for kids.

0:30:420:30:44

This is crazy.

0:30:530:30:55

So... It's Mr Horrs.

0:30:580:31:01

Horse.

0:31:010:31:04

Yeah, well, just a minute, Mr Horse.

0:31:040:31:07

My colleagues in the panel.

0:31:070:31:09

Ask him why he's called the "horse".

0:31:090:31:11

You bloody ask him. It's not cos he does t'Grand National, is it?

0:31:110:31:16

But why have a big wanger

0:31:160:31:18

when you need a Zimmer frame to tout it in?

0:31:180:31:21

He must be 50, if he's a day. >

0:31:210:31:23

So, Horse, what can you do?

0:31:230:31:26

I dunno really.

0:31:260:31:28

< Um, let's see. There's the er...

0:31:280:31:31

There's the bump.

0:31:320:31:34

The stomp.

0:31:340:31:36

The bus stop. My break-dancing days are probably over.

0:31:360:31:40

-There's always the funky chicken.

-Now you're talking.

0:31:400:31:42

All of them?

0:31:420:31:44

Yeah. I think so. It's been a while, mind. I've got this dodgy hip.

0:31:440:31:49

Yeah, well... Stick it on, Nath.

0:31:490:31:53

Do your worst, pal. >

0:31:530:31:55

# One, two, three!

0:31:550:31:57

# One, two, three!

0:31:570:31:59

# All right

0:32:050:32:08

# Got to know how to pony

0:32:080:32:11

# Like Bony Maronie

0:32:110:32:14

# Mash potato

0:32:140:32:16

# Do the alligator

0:32:160:32:18

# Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na...

0:32:210:32:28

# Waaaargh! #

0:32:280:32:30

My top film's Singing In T'Rain - that walking up t'wall thing.

0:32:350:32:40

(He knows me. He plastered our bathroom. Get rid of him.)

0:32:400:32:43

-(Shut up. It'll be fine.)

-(He'll blow my cover.)

0:32:430:32:46

(Shut up.) What walking up t'wall thing?

0:32:460:32:48

I'll show you.

0:32:480:32:50

I'm Donald O'Connor, right.

0:32:500:32:52

That's the wall.

0:32:550:32:57

< Ooof!

0:33:030:33:05

Ah, well, er...

0:33:080:33:10

It's better than that in t'film, like.

0:33:100:33:13

So, you don't sing?

0:33:150:33:18

No.

0:33:180:33:19

You don't dance?

0:33:190:33:21

No.

0:33:210:33:23

I hope you don't think I'm being nosy, but what do you do?

0:33:230:33:27

Well, er...

0:33:270:33:29

There is this.

0:33:300:33:32

Gentlemen,

0:33:410:33:43

the lunch box has landed.

0:33:430:33:45

Chuffing Norah!

0:33:500:33:52

All right, Gerald? I didn't see you over there. I did his bathroom.

0:33:520:33:57

Hello, Guy.

0:33:580:34:00

Nath!

0:34:000:34:02

Nathan! >

0:34:020:34:05

-I say, Jean.

-Yeah?

0:34:090:34:11

Ever been out with a black bloke?

0:34:110:34:13

< You know I haven't, Dave.

0:34:130:34:15

But...

0:34:150:34:17

If you were on t'lookout for a new fella... If you were, just saying,

0:34:170:34:22

would you think about it?

0:34:220:34:24

What's got into you?

0:34:240:34:26

No, would you, though?

0:34:270:34:30

I might do, yeah.

0:34:300:34:32

Is that all right?

0:34:320:34:34

So it's true, then.

0:34:340:34:36

I've bloody had enough. What's true?

0:34:360:34:38

What they say about black blokes. They've got great bodies.

0:34:380:34:43

Some of them, yeah.

0:34:430:34:45

And...?

0:34:470:34:49

Nothing.

0:34:490:34:51

I don't care if they're black, white, or bloody rainbow-coloured.

0:34:520:34:57

I'm married to you. Remember?

0:34:570:34:59

Yeah.

0:35:000:35:03

Goodnight.

0:35:060:35:08

Why would I want anyone else, eh?

0:35:110:35:13

Big man?

0:35:140:35:16

Jeanie.

0:35:210:35:24

I'm all in.

0:35:240:35:26

It's amazing how tiring it is doing nowt, you know.

0:35:280:35:31

They're just messing, Dave. >

0:36:000:36:02

-Do you reckon?

-Or course. It's just Jean, in't it.

0:36:020:36:06

Have you got any of them mint chocolate jobs?

0:36:080:36:11

Get lost. You're on a diet.

0:36:110:36:13

Don't you start, and all.

0:36:130:36:14

How much have you got, then?

0:36:140:36:16

22... 27 pence.

0:36:190:36:21

£4.99. Special offer. We're still a fucking fiver short.

0:36:210:36:24

Well, you know what this means, Dave.

0:36:240:36:27

-Ah, no. Come on, Gaz. Why me?

-You've got an innocent face.

0:36:280:36:31

I've got serial killer written on my forehead.

0:36:310:36:34

If you're not dancing, do something useful.

0:36:340:36:37

What if Jean finds out? She's over there.

0:36:370:36:39

She's miles away. See you later.

0:36:390:36:41

Good luck.

0:36:410:36:43

-Give us a pear drop, you.

-They're not paid for.

0:36:430:36:46

SECURITY ALARM

0:37:070:37:09

ALARM STOPS

0:37:120:37:14

SECURITY ALARM

0:37:230:37:25

MUSIC: Flashdance (What A Feeling) by Irene Cara

0:37:270:37:30

# First, when there's nothing

0:37:300:37:33

# But a slow glowing dream... #

0:37:350:37:38

Hey, what's this?

0:37:380:37:40

I didn't go on the nick for a women's DIY video.

0:37:400:37:44

-It's Flashdance. She's a welder, in't she?

-A welder?

0:37:440:37:47

I hope she dances better than she welds. Her mix is all to cock.

0:37:470:37:52

What the fuck do you know about welding?

0:37:520:37:54

More than some chuffing woman.

0:37:540:37:56

Aah! It's like bonfire night. Them joints won't hold fuck all.

0:37:560:38:00

For Christ's sake, we're looking for t'dancing.

0:38:000:38:03

He's got the hump about Asda.

0:38:030:38:05

Hey... Cop a load of that.

0:38:050:38:08

# What a feeling... #

0:38:080:38:10

-GERALD:

-Yeah. She's nifty on her pins.

0:38:110:38:14

# You just come alive You can dance right... #

0:38:140:38:17

That, gentlemen, is what we are looking for.

0:38:170:38:20

I can just see him doing that twizzling-about bollocks.

0:38:200:38:25

It's souped-up tango. I can teach any bugger in a week, even you.

0:38:250:38:29

Even a fat bastard like me?

0:38:290:38:31

I know what I am, so don't take the piss, you.

0:38:310:38:34

All right.

0:38:340:38:36

Two weeks.

0:38:360:38:38

< Straight up?

0:38:380:38:40

# Being is believing

0:38:440:38:45

# Being is believing... #

0:38:450:38:47

I don't know, Gaz.

0:38:470:38:49

Jean reckons I should take that security guard job down at Asda.

0:38:490:38:54

Jesus! Security?

0:38:540:38:56

You're worth more than that, Dave.

0:38:560:38:58

She don't think so.

0:38:580:39:00

I reckon summat's going on with that bloke.

0:39:000:39:03

The juggling bugger? No, no way.

0:39:030:39:05

It's not as if I'd blame her.

0:39:070:39:09

You could show her, Dave.

0:39:090:39:11

Nobody tells them Chippendales to be security. Raking it in.

0:39:110:39:15

Two weeks. That's what the man said, and he's not taking the piss.

0:39:150:39:20

It's a thought.

0:39:200:39:21

It's more than a thought!

0:39:210:39:23

Think of Jean's face when she sees you dancing like old Flashdance.

0:39:230:39:27

Two weeks?

0:39:270:39:29

Just like flashy tits?

0:39:290:39:31

That's what your man said.

0:39:310:39:33

Eh... I can weld better than her, and all.

0:39:330:39:36

# Looking for some hot love... #

0:39:380:39:40

Stop. No, no, no!

0:39:400:39:42

What?

0:39:420:39:43

You, stay still,

0:39:430:39:45

-and you go forward, OK?

-OK.

0:39:450:39:49

All right, Nathan.

0:39:490:39:51

MUSIC: Hot Stuff by Donna Summer

0:39:510:39:52

One, two, three... No!

0:39:520:39:56

No, Jesus!

0:39:560:39:58

Christ! All I want to do is get you in a straight bloody line.

0:39:580:40:03

What do I have to do?

0:40:030:40:05

-It's the Arsenal offside trap.

-You what?

0:40:050:40:08

The Arsenal offside trap - Lomper here is Tony Adams, right?

0:40:080:40:12

Any bugger looks like scoring,

0:40:120:40:15

we step forward in a line, and wave our arms around like a fairy.

0:40:150:40:19

Well, that's easy.

0:40:190:40:21

OK.

0:40:210:40:23

Nathan.

0:40:230:40:25

# Gotta have some hot stuff

0:40:260:40:28

# Gotta have some love tonight! #

0:40:280:40:30

Yes!

0:40:300:40:32

Perfect.

0:40:320:40:35

-Perfect.

-Well, you should have said.

0:40:350:40:38

Come on. Get in quick and wipe your boots.

0:40:420:40:45

-Hey, put that back! You'll break it.

-I'm just looking.

0:40:480:40:52

It's a bit posh, in't it?

0:40:520:40:54

Right, then. Are we right?

0:40:540:40:56

Right for what? >

0:40:560:40:57

Taking our kit off?

0:40:570:40:59

I thought you were turning me into a dancer?

0:41:000:41:03

-We are strippers, aren't we?

-What, here? Now? >

0:41:030:41:07

In this house?

0:41:070:41:09

This is a good area, this is.

0:41:100:41:12

Gaz, I dunno.

0:41:120:41:14

If we can't get our kit off here,

0:41:140:41:16

what chance have we got in front of them lasses? Tops off.

0:41:160:41:20

Come on.

0:41:240:41:26

No looking, and no laughing, you bastards.

0:41:290:41:32

I used to have a proper job, me.

0:41:390:41:42

I ask you, what are we doing?

0:41:440:41:46

What are we doing? >

0:41:460:41:48

And the keks.

0:41:560:41:58

-Horse by name, horse by nature.

-Shut it, you.

0:42:150:42:18

-How come you're so brown?

-No reason.

0:42:180:42:21

Someone's got a sun bed, in't they, Gerald?

0:42:210:42:24

It's Linda's. No, you can't. Don't think of asking.

0:42:240:42:27

-What am I going to do about this?

-Well, it's not too bad. >

0:42:270:42:30

From the front, like.

0:42:300:42:33

Fat, David, is a feminist issue.

0:42:330:42:36

What's that supposed to mean?

0:42:360:42:38

I don't bloody know, but it is.

0:42:380:42:41

I tried dieting.

0:42:410:42:43

I do try.

0:42:440:42:46

I seem to have spent most of my fucking life on a diet.

0:42:460:42:50

The less I eat the fatter I get.

0:42:500:42:52

Stuff yourself, and get thin.

0:42:520:42:53

Shut up, saggy tits.

0:42:530:42:55

They're not.

0:42:550:42:57

Linda's mate had plastic put on her at this health club,

0:42:580:43:02

and she lost stones. It were like magic. >

0:43:020:43:05

What's it called, now? Anyway, it's like clingfilm.

0:43:050:43:09

I've heard of that.

0:43:090:43:11

I'm not a chicken drumstick, Gerald.

0:43:110:43:14

Oh, you wrap it round.

0:43:140:43:16

Reduce the fat.

0:43:160:43:18

DOORBELL RINGS

0:43:180:43:20

You can't just take stuff.

0:43:250:43:27

-Sorry, mate.

-I only owe him 120 quid.

0:43:270:43:30

That's all these'll get second hand.

0:43:300:43:32

They're not second hand.

0:43:320:43:34

They are now, mate.

0:43:340:43:36

Put down and piss off.

0:43:370:43:39

'Kin hell!

0:43:390:43:41

I think there's been a mistake. We'll just check with the office.

0:43:450:43:48

Cheers, lads.

0:43:480:43:51

It's not bad, this stripping lark, is it?

0:43:510:43:55

MUSIC: The Stripper by David Rose

0:43:550:43:57

Dave and Lomps, up the wing.

0:44:040:44:06

One, two, three, four.

0:44:060:44:09

Left touchline, three, four.

0:44:090:44:11

Right touchline, three, four.

0:44:110:44:14

Offside trap, one, two,

0:44:140:44:16

three, four!

0:44:160:44:18

Now, the belt, three, four.

0:44:180:44:20

Now, the shoes, three, four. Now, the socks...

0:44:200:44:23

Hang on, hang on.

0:44:230:44:25

MUSIC STOPS

0:44:270:44:29

That were crap.

0:44:290:44:31

I bet even Madonna has difficulty getting her socks off.

0:44:310:44:35

You could have had my eye out.

0:44:350:44:36

What are you doing, you bugger? They're borrowed.

0:44:360:44:40

I'm using them for the show. It's what them Chippendales do.

0:44:400:44:44

They put Velcro down the side, and then, scragh! All is revealed.

0:44:440:44:49

-I'll sew them back up.

-Where did you learn to be a sewer?

0:44:490:44:51

Prison.

0:44:510:44:53

Cheers, Nath.

0:44:560:44:58

Come on, Al, it's me.

0:45:010:45:03

Which is precisely why it's £100 up front - half price.

0:45:030:45:07

If I give you t'club for nowt and you don't turn up,

0:45:070:45:11

I've got an empty club on a Friday night.

0:45:110:45:13

We'll turn up. I haven't got £100.

0:45:130:45:16

If you tell me what you're up to it might help.

0:45:180:45:21

I can't. It's top secret.

0:45:220:45:25

Sorry.

0:45:250:45:27

-All right, love.

-Hi, Mum.

0:45:400:45:42

What do you want?

0:45:420:45:44

All right, Mand. I'm going to get you all your money.

0:45:440:45:48

Our money.

0:45:480:45:50

< Nathan's. For definite, this time.

0:45:500:45:52

Yeah, right. Is that all?

0:45:520:45:54

Yeah.

0:45:540:45:56

Well, no. The thing is, Mand,

0:45:560:45:59

you have to speculate to accumulate.

0:45:590:46:02

I'm not sure I'm hearing this.

0:46:020:46:04

-I'll get you the lot. I just need a bit.

-You want some money?!

0:46:040:46:07

Yeah.

0:46:070:46:08

Right, I need someone in t'packing section.

0:46:080:46:11

£2.50 an hour. You can start now if you like. Coming?

0:46:110:46:15

Come on, Dad.

0:46:160:46:18

Nathan, Nathan. You can't do this, kid. It's your savings.

0:46:220:46:26

I can. I need your signature. It says in t'book.

0:46:260:46:29

I want to take my money out.

0:46:290:46:31

You bloody well can't have it. You're OK. It's sorted.

0:46:310:46:34

It's my money.

0:46:340:46:35

I want it - £100, please.

0:46:350:46:38

When you're 18, you can walk in and get it yourself.

0:46:380:46:41

-You said you'd get it back.

-I know!

0:46:410:46:44

You don't want to listen to what I say.

0:46:440:46:47

You said so. I believe you.

0:46:470:46:50

You do?

0:46:500:46:52

Yeah.

0:46:520:46:54

Blimey, Nath.

0:46:560:46:58

MUSIC: Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me) by Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel

0:47:000:47:05

# You've done it all

0:47:050:47:07

# You've broken every code

0:47:080:47:10

# And pulled the Rebel to the floor

0:47:120:47:15

# Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba...

0:47:150:47:17

# Ba, ba, ba, ba...

0:47:170:47:19

# You've spoilt the game No matter what you say... #

0:47:190:47:24

And one for luck.

0:47:240:47:26

# What a bore!

0:47:260:47:31

# Blue eyes, blue eyes

0:47:310:47:35

# How come you tell so many lies?

0:47:350:47:40

# Come up and see me

0:47:410:47:43

# Make me smile

0:47:430:47:46

# Or do what you want

0:47:480:47:50

# Running wild... #

0:47:500:47:54

WHISTLE

0:47:540:47:56

WHISTLE

0:48:020:48:03

What?

0:48:030:48:05

Yes!

0:48:180:48:20

BICYCLE BELL

0:48:220:48:24

# Oooh, la, la, la

0:48:240:48:27

# Oooh, la, la, la... #

0:48:270:48:30

< It's not straight, that.

0:48:330:48:35

Give over. It's only a poster.

0:48:350:48:38

Christ all-bloody-mighty.

0:48:410:48:43

-All right, sweethearts?

-Gary the lad. >

0:48:450:48:48

What are you up to, shifty?

0:48:480:48:50

A bit of this. A bit of that. A bit of the other.

0:48:500:48:54

Just a bit of advertising for some mates.

0:48:540:48:57

Oh, aye. And who's going to come and see "your mates"?

0:48:570:49:00

We had the real thing here the other day.

0:49:000:49:03

Well, our mates are better.

0:49:030:49:05

Better? How's that, then?

0:49:050:49:07

Well...

0:49:070:49:09

-This lot go all the way.

-Stark naked?

0:49:110:49:13

Don't they, lads?

0:49:130:49:14

The full monty? You lot?

0:49:140:49:16

-Hell fire! That would be worth a look. See you there, then.

-Ta-ra.

0:49:180:49:22

THEY LAUGH

0:49:220:49:25

-Keep your hair on.

-No way. No and never,

0:49:250:49:27

in that order, kid.

0:49:270:49:29

Excuse me. No-one said anything to me about the full monty.

0:49:290:49:33

You heard them. We've got to give summat your average stripper don't.

0:49:330:49:37

Yeah, but... my willy. I mean to say...

0:49:370:49:40

Your willy? My willy.

0:49:400:49:42

A laughing stock, totally.

0:49:420:49:44

They're coming, aren't they?

0:49:440:49:45

With a pair of scissors. They know it's us.

0:49:450:49:48

Every bugger will know it's us whether we do it or not.

0:49:480:49:52

We can forget it, go back to t'Jobclub,

0:49:520:49:55

or do it and maybe get rich. >

0:49:550:49:57

And I tell you, folks don't laugh so loud

0:49:570:49:59

when you've a grand in your pocket.

0:49:590:50:02

Now, are you in,

0:50:020:50:05

or are you out?

0:50:050:50:07

RADIO: 'Rain is causing problems for drivers on the Pennines,

0:50:070:50:12

'with the A57 closed into the town centre.

0:50:120:50:15

'The good news is that the outlook for the rest of the week is better,

0:50:150:50:20

'with the storms clearing by Friday,

0:50:200:50:22

'to leave the weekend warm and sunny.

0:50:220:50:25

'But now back to the music.

0:50:250:50:27

'Here's a classic from the 1970s. It's Donna Summer

0:50:270:50:31

'with Hot Stuff.'

0:50:310:50:34

MUSIC: Hot Stuff by Donna Summer

0:50:340:50:36

# Sitting here eating my heart out waiting

0:50:410:50:45

# Waiting for some lover to call

0:50:450:50:48

# Dialled about a thousand numbers lately

0:50:490:50:53

# Almost rang the phone off the wall

0:50:530:50:56

# Looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening

0:50:560:51:00

# I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight

0:51:000:51:03

# I want some hot stuff, baby, this evening

0:51:040:51:08

# Gotta have some hot stuff, gotta have some love tonight

0:51:080:51:12

# Hot stuff

0:51:120:51:14

# I need hot stuff

0:51:150:51:17

# I want some hot stuff. #

0:51:180:51:22

No.

0:51:300:51:33

Come on, mate. Just an hour.

0:51:330:51:35

MUSIC: We Are Family by Sister Sledge

0:51:350:51:37

You've got some fit birds in there.

0:51:390:51:41

No. Tits are too big.

0:51:430:51:45

Yeah? Didn't know they could be.

0:51:450:51:48

Anti-wrinkle cream?

0:51:500:51:53

Can fellas use this, and all?

0:51:530:51:55

Do you mind, you?

0:51:550:51:58

Yeah, I just pray they're a bit more understanding about us. That's all.

0:51:580:52:03

You what?

0:52:030:52:05

They'll be looking at us like that.

0:52:050:52:08

What if 400 women turn and say, he's too fat, he's too old,

0:52:100:52:14

and he's a pigeon-chested tosser?

0:52:140:52:17

-They wouldn't say that, would they?

-He just said her tits are too big.

0:52:170:52:20

That's different. We're blokes.

0:52:200:52:23

Yeah, and?

0:52:230:52:24

I think she's got nice tits.

0:52:240:52:27

I never said about her personality. I bet she's nice.

0:52:270:52:30

They won't say about yours, which is good because you're a bastard.

0:52:300:52:35

Bollocks to personality. This is what they want.

0:52:350:52:39

And I tell you summat, mate.

0:52:390:52:41

Anti-wrinkle cream there may be,

0:52:410:52:43

but anti-fat-bastard cream, there is none.

0:52:430:52:46

Here, lads.

0:52:460:52:49

Oh, mother.

0:52:540:52:56

Bloody hell.

0:52:560:52:59

Gaz wanted something flashy. It's top of the range.

0:52:590:53:02

-Yeah, but...

-You don't get much for your money.

0:53:020:53:05

-What day is it, again? >

-Monday.

0:53:050:53:08

-And when are we on?

-Friday. Dress rehearsal tomorrow.

0:53:080:53:12

I think I'm going to be sick.

0:53:150:53:17

How can I read the instructions? There wasn't any.

0:53:230:53:27

Well, maybe there's a part missing.

0:53:270:53:30

Yeah, I got that, if that's what you call it.

0:53:300:53:33

Well, if it's all there, how come it's not working?

0:53:330:53:37

What do you mean, 'in what sense'?

0:53:390:53:41

It's not working in the sense that it's not working.

0:53:410:53:45

No, I can't speak up. Nothing's happening. Nothing's getting bigger.

0:53:450:53:51

Well, this is an emergency, is this.

0:53:510:53:53

What's the matter, big man?

0:54:420:54:44

I'm sorry.

0:54:470:54:49

Dave?

0:54:560:54:58

< Dave.

0:55:010:55:03

MUSIC: Hot Stuff by Donna Summer

0:55:050:55:07

# Wanna bring a wild man back home

0:55:080:55:10

# Gotta have some hot love, baby, this evening

0:55:100:55:14

# I need some hot stuff, baby, tonight... #

0:55:140:55:17

You're ahead.

0:55:170:55:19

Give us a break, will you?

0:55:190:55:21

All right, kid.

0:55:240:55:26

Tell us straight.

0:55:280:55:30

We're not just making the biggest arses of ourselves in the known universe, are we?

0:55:300:55:34

Dave, mate?

0:56:400:56:42

Can I have a word?

0:56:420:56:44

In private, like?

0:56:440:56:46

Yeah... I suppose so.

0:56:460:56:50

You won't tell anyone, will you?

0:56:500:56:53

No, your secret's safe with me.

0:56:530:56:56

When I were about 12,

0:56:590:57:01

our school took us for swimming lessons.

0:57:010:57:04

Mixed classes.

0:57:050:57:07

You know, boys...

0:57:070:57:09

and, er...

0:57:090:57:11

and girls.

0:57:110:57:13

It were terrible, Dave.

0:57:170:57:19

I were there. I were standing at t'side of pool in my trunks,

0:57:190:57:23

with all these pretty lasses around in bikinis and, well...

0:57:230:57:28

I got, er...

0:57:290:57:31

I got a stiffy.

0:57:370:57:39

What did you do?

0:57:390:57:41

I jumped into the deep end. I nearly fucking drowned!

0:57:410:57:45

What if it happens again? Think of that, in front of 400 women.

0:57:450:57:49

Gerald.

0:57:490:57:51

You're talking to the wrong man.

0:57:510:57:53

-< I thought it were just your mum.

-< It's family, isn't it?

0:58:000:58:03

What can you do?

0:58:030:58:04

Who the hell fire's that?

0:58:040:58:06

< Oh, no.

0:58:060:58:09

< It's Beryl.

0:58:090:58:11

My niece.

0:58:110:58:14

Where's Dave?

0:58:140:58:16

Here, Dave?

0:58:210:58:23

Dave! What are you doing?

0:58:230:58:25

What does it look like?

0:58:250:58:27

We're on in three days' time. Where the fuck are you?

0:58:270:58:31

I'm here - working, earning! That's where. Not pissing about.

0:58:310:58:35

End of chat.

0:58:350:58:37

Dave?

0:58:380:58:40

-Come on, Dave.

-No.

0:58:400:58:43

All right, then. Ooh, very nice.

0:58:430:58:47

-Gaz, please, don't.

-Come on, do your job.

0:58:470:58:49

Gazza.

0:58:490:58:51

< Horse, mate, get out there and tell them there's a bit of delay.

0:58:510:58:54

< They won't wait forever.

0:58:540:58:56

Keep up, you fat bastard.

0:59:100:59:12

Argh!

0:59:120:59:14

SECURITY ALARM

0:59:140:59:16

Don't ever call me a fat bastard, all right?!

0:59:160:59:19

All right?!

0:59:190:59:20

We need you, Dave.

0:59:200:59:22

I can't.

0:59:240:59:26

I just can't.

0:59:290:59:31

All right?

0:59:310:59:33

Listen. Think of the most boring thing you can come up with.

0:59:330:59:38

-That should keep it well in order.

-Like what?

0:59:380:59:41

-Double glazing salesmen.

-Gardening. The Queen's speech.

0:59:410:59:44

Dire Straits' double album. Nature programmes.

0:59:440:59:47

I like nature programmes.

0:59:470:59:49

But they don't give you a hard-on, do they?

0:59:490:59:52

Do they?

0:59:520:59:54

-Blimey!

-Oh, shut up. It's not funny. It's medical.

0:59:540:59:58

He's not coming.

1:00:031:00:05

< It's all right.

1:00:051:00:07

We can do without him.

1:00:071:00:09

MUSIC: Rock And Roll Part 2 by Gary Glitter

1:00:091:00:12

# Hey!

1:00:121:00:13

# Hey!

1:00:131:00:15

# Hey!

1:00:151:00:17

# Hey!

1:00:171:00:19

# Hey!

1:00:421:00:44

# Hey!

1:00:461:00:48

# Hey!

1:00:491:00:51

# Hey! #

1:00:521:00:54

MUSIC OFF

1:01:391:01:41

So your daddy dances in front of you, does he?

1:01:481:01:50

When he's rehearsing.

1:01:501:01:52

We were dancing all right, and all.

1:01:581:02:01

My feet are freezing.

1:02:011:02:03

Right. Name?

1:02:031:02:05

Gary Schofield.

1:02:051:02:07

-(Gerald Arthur Cooper.)

-What?

1:02:111:02:14

Gerald Arthur Cooper.

1:02:141:02:16

-Barrington Mitchell.

-Barrington?

1:02:191:02:22

-Yeah.

-Is that one R?

1:02:221:02:24

Two.

1:02:241:02:25

I told you. Robbing pipes, that's all.

1:02:461:02:49

Gary, my friend, no bugger robs pipes in the buff.

1:02:491:02:53

We do.

1:02:531:02:55

You don't get your clothes dirty, do you?

1:02:551:02:57

Oh, well, don't fret, gents.

1:02:571:02:59

There's a good laundry in Wakefield Prison.

1:02:591:03:02

-Eh?

-KNOCK AT DOOR

1:03:021:03:05

Security camera tapes off the front desk.

1:03:061:03:08

What happened to the security guard?

1:03:081:03:11

LAUGHTER

1:03:171:03:19

You're always ahead there.

1:03:221:03:24

You're always bloody behind, more like.

1:03:241:03:27

Can I borrow this for a second?

1:03:271:03:29

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

1:03:291:03:31

Look, shut up, will you?!

1:03:311:03:34

< Watch.

1:03:341:03:36

< He's right.

1:03:371:03:39

-You're ahead.

-Ah, go bollocks.

1:03:391:03:42

BANGING AND CLATTERING

1:04:011:04:03

Shush. Be quiet.

1:04:031:04:04

I've always wanted to meet your mam.

1:04:041:04:07

What do you mean, I can't bloody see him? He's my son.

1:04:171:04:20

I haven't even been charged. Ask Smiler in there. No charge!

1:04:201:04:23

Sorry. Social services have requested an interview with you.

1:04:231:04:26

You'll have to make an appointment.

1:04:261:04:29

-I've come to pick up my son.

-Oh, right.

1:04:331:04:36

Just a minute, ma'am.

1:04:361:04:38

It's fine. We've not been charged.

1:04:381:04:40

So this is your money-making scheme? Pornography?

1:04:401:04:44

Don't be daft. We're trying to get you your money.

1:04:441:04:46

My money?! Nathan's money.

1:04:461:04:49

< All right, Dad.

1:04:491:04:51

-All right, kid? >

-Yeah, fine. Hi, Mum.

1:04:511:04:53

Come on, love. We're going now.

1:04:531:04:56

Come on, Mand.

1:04:561:04:58

Unemployed. Maintenance arrears of £700,

1:04:581:05:01

arrested for indecent exposure. Think you're a suitable father?

1:05:011:05:05

-He is trying.

-See?

1:05:051:05:07

-A bit late for that.

-Hang on a minute!

1:05:071:05:10

Look at yourself, Gary. Just look at yourself.

1:05:101:05:13

All right, mate?

1:05:491:05:52

So?

1:05:521:05:54

This has been going on how long?

1:05:551:05:57

Er...

1:05:571:05:59

About six months.

1:06:011:06:03

I can cope with losing the sun bed...

1:06:091:06:11

..the car, the television.

1:06:121:06:15

I can even cope with the shame of everyone watching this.

1:06:151:06:19

But six months! Six bloody months!

1:06:191:06:22

And you wouldn't say, to me! >

1:06:221:06:24

To your wife.

1:06:251:06:27

I thought you liked them.

1:06:311:06:33

No, Gerald. I've never liked them.

1:06:331:06:36

KNOCK AT DOOR

1:06:481:06:50

They've taken my sun bed. They've taken bloody everything.

1:07:001:07:04

-You've kept hold of your chips, though.

-House repossessed.

1:07:041:07:07

Wife thrown me out.

1:07:071:07:09

Guess what?

1:07:091:07:11

I've just been offered that job.

1:07:111:07:13

Congratulations.

1:07:131:07:15

All right, kid?

1:07:221:07:24

-Hiya.

-Fancy a kickabout?

1:07:241:07:26

Yeah. >

1:07:261:07:28

Nath... Hiya. All right, love? You shouldn't be here.

1:07:301:07:34

Says who?

1:07:341:07:36

Read the lawyer's letter, why don't you?

1:07:361:07:39

We're going swimming, Dad. Do you want to come?

1:07:391:07:43

I can't, kid. I haven't got my trunks, have I?

1:07:451:07:49

We can go get them. Can't we, Mum?

1:07:491:07:51

-< I can't, love.

-Why?

1:07:511:07:54

I just...

1:07:541:07:56

I just can't. Sorry.

1:07:591:08:01

He's not allowed, is he?

1:08:011:08:03

Come on, love.

1:08:081:08:10

(Dave!)

1:08:461:08:48

(Oi, you deaf twat!)

1:08:481:08:50

What do you want now? I've told you, I'm finished with you.

1:08:501:08:53

We're all finished, Dave.

1:08:531:08:55

I'm a bloody marked man, now.

1:08:551:08:57

Sorry about your Nathan. It's a bad one, that.

1:08:591:09:03

It's about Lomper.

1:09:051:09:07

What does that pasty-faced chuffer want?

1:09:071:09:09

His mum died two days ago.

1:09:091:09:11

Ah.

1:09:111:09:14

Poor lad. I'm sorry.

1:09:141:09:16

-Could you borrow us a jacket for the funeral?

-Gaz.

1:09:161:09:19

Come on, Dave. It's not for me. It's a funeral.

1:09:191:09:23

What colour?

1:09:251:09:28

Orange.

1:09:281:09:30

Orange?

1:09:301:09:32

Black, for fuck's sake.

1:09:321:09:34

OK. Look, I'll meet you by t'doors.

1:09:341:09:36

Nice one.

1:09:461:09:48

-Come on, then.

-Have you got some time off?

1:09:481:09:51

Nah, that fucking pick and mix were driving me crazy.

1:09:511:09:55

Besides, it's a funeral. Are you ready?

1:09:551:09:58

Ready when you are.

1:09:581:10:00

THEY YELL

1:10:021:10:04

MUSIC: Abide With Me

1:10:061:10:08

BRASS BAND STARTS PLAYING

1:10:201:10:22

< They bloody are, you know.

1:11:071:11:09

They're holding hands.

1:11:091:11:11

-They're never.

-Straight up.

1:11:111:11:14

I never even hold hands with ruddy lasses, me. Maybe I should.

1:11:141:11:18

Ah! Who'd have bloody thought it, eh?

1:11:211:11:23

Ah, well. There's nowt as queer as folk.

1:11:251:11:28

There's nowt as queer as folk.

1:11:311:11:34

Shut up, Dave. It's supposed to be a bloody funeral.

1:11:341:11:37

I'm sorry.

1:11:371:11:39

Eh, look. It's that guy.

1:11:481:11:50

Show us your pecs!

1:11:501:11:52

WOLF WHISTLES

1:11:521:11:54

They were together in the paper, weren't they?

1:11:541:11:57

Have you been actively seeking work?

1:12:031:12:05

Yeah.

1:12:051:12:07

Have you done any work? Paid or unpaid in the last fortnight?

1:12:071:12:10

No.

1:12:101:12:12

That's not what I've heard.

1:12:141:12:16

Right, come on, you lot.

1:13:021:13:04

Slaidburn.

1:13:081:13:10

One, two, three, four.

1:13:131:13:15

MUSIC: The Stripper

1:13:191:13:21

BOTH HUM THE STRIPPER

1:13:521:13:54

Go get shagged.

1:13:541:13:55

Get your knickers...

1:13:551:13:57

HORN BEEPS

1:13:591:14:01

Oh, fuck.

1:14:011:14:03

Hey, Patricia the stripper!

1:14:031:14:06

Bugger off.

1:14:061:14:07

< Where have you bloody been?

1:14:071:14:09

What's going on? I've had to buy in 20 barrels. I've heard not a word.

1:14:091:14:13

I hope they're sale or return.

1:14:131:14:15

You're joking. You're bloody famous.

1:14:151:14:18

Yeah, don't remind me.

1:14:181:14:19

Yeah, I've sold 200-odd tickets.

1:14:191:14:22

How many?

1:14:221:14:24

-Well done, Gerald. All the best.

-All right.

1:14:241:14:27

An example for you there. >

1:14:271:14:29

Nice suit, Gerald.

1:14:311:14:33

Yeah.

1:14:331:14:35

< I'll be off. You never know,

1:14:351:14:38

there might be a job in it for you, boys. I'll see what I can do.

1:14:381:14:41

GAZ: All right, lads? >

1:14:411:14:43

We're on.

1:14:431:14:46

-We're bloody on.

-What?

1:14:461:14:49

We've sold 200 tickets. That's two grand already.

1:14:491:14:52

It's a bit late for all that, Gaz. I mean, fresh start, you know?

1:14:521:14:57

One more time, Gerald.

1:14:571:14:59

You've got the rest of your fucking life to wear a suit, man.

1:14:591:15:02

Go on. Go on, Gerald.

1:15:041:15:06

Just once.

1:15:081:15:10

-< Yes!

-That's all.

1:15:101:15:12

Just tonight.

1:15:121:15:15

How about it, Dave?

1:15:151:15:18

Haven't you grown out of all that yet?

1:15:181:15:21

Come on, mate.

1:15:211:15:23

Nah. Sorry, lads.

1:15:241:15:26

Jean?

1:15:351:15:37

Jean, love?!

1:15:391:15:41

There you are.

1:15:471:15:49

I should've guessed when you started wearing totty lotion.

1:15:541:15:58

You never put it on for me.

1:15:581:16:00

Jean?

1:16:001:16:02

But this.

1:16:021:16:04

I never had you down for this sort of caper, David.

1:16:041:16:07

It explains a few things at least.

1:16:071:16:09

No, look.

1:16:091:16:11

I know it don't look good.

1:16:111:16:13

You're bloody right it don't.

1:16:131:16:16

All those nights you were late back,

1:16:161:16:18

and stupid cow here thought you were out looking for a job.

1:16:181:16:23

Well, no wonder.

1:16:231:16:25

No bloody wonder. It's so obvious. >

1:16:251:16:29

No. I were with Gaz, honest.

1:16:291:16:31

Right! She's one of Gaz's little tarts, is she?

1:16:311:16:35

Well, that makes sense.

1:16:351:16:37

She'd have to be to put up with this kind of shit!

1:16:371:16:40

Just listen, will you?!

1:16:421:16:44

It's nowt to do with any fucking women, all right!

1:16:441:16:47

I'm... I were a stripper, right?

1:16:491:16:53

Me and Gaz, and some fellas,

1:16:531:16:56

thought we could make a bob or two taking our clothes off.

1:16:561:17:00

Strippers?!

1:17:001:17:03

All right. All right. I know.

1:17:031:17:05

You?

1:17:051:17:07

And Gaz? Strippers?

1:17:071:17:10

We weren't that bad.

1:17:101:17:12

Only I couldn't, could I?

1:17:141:17:16

Why not?

1:17:161:17:18

Well, look at me.

1:17:191:17:21

So?

1:17:221:17:24

Jeanie, who wants to see this dance?

1:17:261:17:29

Me, Dave.

1:17:321:17:34

I do.

1:17:341:17:37

Women only, you tosser. >

1:17:591:18:01

Women only. It's on all the posters, for fuck's sake.

1:18:011:18:05

Ah, nobody told me.

1:18:051:18:07

All the blokes from t'pub are in there.

1:18:071:18:09

Bastards!

1:18:091:18:11

You'll be all right, mate, once you're on stage.

1:18:111:18:14

Once I'm on stage? What do you mean?

1:18:141:18:17

I'm go nowhere near the fucking stage. It's suicide. Suicide!

1:18:171:18:21

Ha, ha.

1:18:211:18:23

-CROWD:

-# Come on, come on... #

1:18:291:18:31

Shit! We'll give the money back. Announce it, please.

1:18:351:18:39

To 400 horny punters? Ask me another one, kid.

1:18:391:18:43

By heck, our old dinner lady's on t'front row.

1:18:431:18:47

We'll get torn to pieces.

1:18:471:18:48

You will if you don't get out there.

1:18:481:18:51

Ever seen a zebra brought down by a pack of wolves?

1:18:511:18:53

Marvellous, these nature films. Marvellous.

1:18:531:18:55

-Brilliant, aren't they?

-They are, though, aren't they?

1:18:551:18:58

Oh, pack it in.

1:18:581:19:00

Not lost your bottle, have you, Gaz?

1:19:001:19:02

-ALL:

-Dave!

1:19:021:19:04

There were nowt on telly, so I thought I'd give it a go.

1:19:041:19:07

-I found this one wandering about outside.

-They wouldn't let me in.

1:19:071:19:10

What the bloody hell are you doing here? Your mum'll go mad.

1:19:101:19:12

She's out t'front.

1:19:121:19:14

Is she?

1:19:141:19:16

Is Barry with her?

1:19:161:19:18

She wouldn't let him come. Said it were women only.

1:19:181:19:20

I can't hold them any longer. It's now or never!

1:19:201:19:23

< Here we go.

1:19:231:19:25

We're bloody on.

1:19:251:19:27

Go and get your jacket on.

1:19:271:19:29

Can't we leave our G-strings on, Gaz?

1:19:301:19:33

Perhaps you'd better had.

1:19:331:19:35

No, we'd better hadn't.

1:19:351:19:38

Listen. If we're doing this, then just this once we're doing it right.

1:19:381:19:43

Now, come on.

1:19:431:19:45

'Right. Come on, put your hands together

1:19:451:19:48

'and welcome Mr Dave...'

1:19:481:19:50

CHEERING

1:19:501:19:53

SCREAMING AND CHEERING

1:19:531:19:55

OK, ladies and gents, and you buggers up the back there.

1:20:001:20:03

Get away!

1:20:041:20:05

All right, we may not be young or pretty,

1:20:051:20:08

and we may not be right good.

1:20:081:20:10

< But we're here.

1:20:101:20:12

We're live. And, for one night only, we're going for the full monty.

1:20:121:20:18

You can't miss it. Not after everything.

1:20:181:20:21

-<

-GERALD:

-Come on, Gaz. Hurry up!

1:20:211:20:23

I'm sorry, lads.

1:20:231:20:25

Good luck.

1:20:271:20:29

MUSIC: You Can Leave Your Hat On by Tom Jones

1:20:341:20:36

# Baby, take off your coat...

1:20:561:20:59

Listen. I'm going to get really annoyed with you in a minute.

1:20:591:21:02

They're cheering out there. You did that.

1:21:021:21:04

Now, get out there and do your stuff.

1:21:041:21:06

God! Is there anyone I don't get bollocked by?

1:21:061:21:09

Out!

1:21:091:21:11

# Baby, take off your dress

1:21:171:21:19

# Yes, yes, yes!

1:21:221:21:25

# You can leave your hat on

1:21:271:21:30

# You can leave your hat on

1:21:321:21:35

# You can leave your hat on

1:21:361:21:39

# Go over there

1:21:441:21:46

# Turn on the light

1:21:461:21:48

# No

1:21:491:21:50

# All the lights

1:21:501:21:52

# Come back here

1:21:541:21:57

# Stand on that chair

1:21:571:21:59

# Ooh, baby, that's right

1:22:001:22:02

# Raise your arms in the air

1:22:051:22:09

CHEERING

1:22:091:22:11

# Now, shake them...

1:22:111:22:13

Yes! Go on, Dave!

1:22:131:22:16

# You give me reason to live

1:22:161:22:19

# You give me reason to live

1:22:191:22:21

# You give me reason to live

1:22:211:22:24

# You give me reason to live

1:22:241:22:26

# Lesson number one, I'll say

1:22:341:22:36

# You can leave your hat on, baby

1:22:391:22:42

CHEERING

1:22:431:22:45

# Ooooh!

1:22:531:22:55

-AUDIENCE:

-Off! Off! Off...

1:22:591:23:01

# Tell me, baby

1:23:021:23:04

# Tell me, baby

1:23:061:23:08

# Gotta hear it again

1:23:131:23:15

# Ahhh!

1:23:151:23:17

-AUDIENCE:

-Off! Off! Off...

1:23:251:23:27

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

1:23:271:23:29

# You can leave your hat on

1:23:291:23:37

# Yeah

1:23:371:23:39

# Leave your hat on, baby. #

1:23:391:23:41

MUSIC: You Sexy Thing by Hot Chocolate

1:23:431:23:46

# I believe in miracles

1:24:001:24:02

# Where you from

1:24:041:24:06

# You sexy thing, sexy thing, you?

1:24:061:24:09

# I believe in miracles

1:24:091:24:11

# Since you came along

1:24:131:24:15

# You sexy thing

1:24:151:24:17

# Where did you come from, baby?

1:24:271:24:29

# How did you know I needed you?

1:24:311:24:34

# How did you know I needed you so badly?

1:24:351:24:40

# How did you know I'd give my heart gladly?

1:24:401:24:44

# Yesterday, I was one of the lonely people

1:24:441:24:48

# Now you're lying close to me, making love to me

1:24:481:24:53

# I believe in miracles

1:24:531:24:55

# Where you from

1:24:561:24:58

# You sexy thing, sexy thing, you?

1:24:581:25:01

# I believe in miracles

1:25:011:25:03

# Since you came along

1:25:051:25:07

# You sexy thing

1:25:071:25:10

# Touch me

1:25:101:25:12

# Kiss me, darlin'

1:25:141:25:16

# I love the way you hold me, baby

1:25:181:25:20

# Ah, ah!

1:25:211:25:23

# It's ecstasy

1:25:231:25:25

# Ahhh! You sexy thing

1:25:251:25:28

# You sexy thing, you... #

1:25:281:25:30

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS