Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines

MUSIC HALL PIANO

'Ever since man started to think, he has wanted to fly.

'But flying was strictly for the birds...

'..and continued to be so for thousands of years.'

CLINK OF METAL

'Man, eternally optimistic, kept trying.

'Encouraged by his many successes - man kept trying.

'Through his genius, he managed to get his machines off the ground,

'and sometimes he brought them down again.

'All over the world, early pioneers were making flying history.

'In Italy, Count Emilio Ponticelli made what many people claim was the first long-distance flight.

'There was no doubt about it - by 1910, flying had become the rage.

'Man had conquered the air and people everywhere were all agog about...

'Those Magnificent Men in their Flying Machines.'

# Those magnificent men in their flying machines

# They go up diddly-up up They go down diddly-own down

# They enchant all the ladies and steal all the scenes

# With their up diddly-up up And their down diddly-own down

# Up, down, flying around

# Looping the loop and defying the ground

# They're all frightfully keen

# Those magnificent men in their flying machines

# They can fly upside down with their feet in the air

# They don't think of danger, they really don't care

# Newton would think he had made a mistake

# To see those young men and the chances they take

# Those magnificent men in their flying machines

# They go up diddly-up up

# They go down diddly-own down

# They enchant all the ladies and steal all the scenes

# With their up diddly-up up

# And their down diddly-own down

# Up...

# Down...

# Flying around

# Looping the loop and defying the ground

# They're all frightfully keen

# Those magnificent men in their flying ma-chines. #

DOG BARKING

Hello, Richard!

Oh, Richard! Please take me up!

Oh...no, not today. Much too windy.

Come on, let's swing her round. Anyway, I'm still on duty. Lift!

It isn't too windy for YOU to fly!

Give a hand.

Oh, Richard!

Look!

That bird can go wherever it likes whenever it like. You're so lucky.

-I know.

-I'd like to soar through the air and look down on the world...

-Let her down!

-I think I'd make a very nice bird.

-Yes, I dare say.

Thank you, Carter.

Richard, isn't the rigging a bit tight?

-It's stretching the fabric.

-You're getting good at noticing things.

-I should jolly well hope so!

-Thank you.

After all the work I've done on this contraption.

Patricia, did you talk to your father about my idea?

-Yes. He's very interested, but you must talk to him.

-Right.

Tell him it will increase the circulation of his newspaper.

-Wave the flag - "Britannia rules the sea, but she doesn't rule the sky."

-I know what to say.

Then...you're to ask him if you can take me flying.

Mmm. Yes, I might.

This afternoon?

-All right.

-Oh!

-Oh, Patricia, not now. I'm in uniform.

-Oh, don't be so silly.

-Follow me in your motor car. I'll try not to go too fast!

-Oh...

-What's the trouble?

-Nothing. Father doesn't know about this.

Won't be a minute.

Well?

Very nice. You look just like a girl.

Thank you.

-One of these days, your father's going to find you out.

-I know.

Exciting, isn't it?

Too many good ideas are being dissipated in too many aeroplanes.

We need to bring together all the different types from all over the world.

-All over the world?

-Yes, Lord Rawnsley.

-The French and Americans are ahead of us.

-I didn't know.

-No Englishman flew until three years ago.

Really?

Britannia may rule the waves, sir, but she doesn't rule the skies.

-Not yet.

-More Madeira? Oh, you haven't finished.

Damn it! We should rule the sky.

I can see you're going to be a real enthusiast, sir.

-If you'd care to come up...?

-No, thank you, Mays.

I may be an old fogey, but I think if the Lord had intended me to fly, he'd have given me wings.

You travel by train, Father, but you haven't any wheels.

-Do you really mean no Englishman flew until three years ago?

-Yes, sir.

Mmmm.

Come and see me soon. I'll discuss your idea with my circulation people.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.

MOUTHS SILENTLY

Er...by the by, sir. There's one other thing.

I wonder if I might take Patricia up this afternoon.

Up where?

Into the sky, Father...

Flying.

Certainly not! I absolutely forbid you to go up.

And I absolutely forbid you to take my daughter flying. Is that understood?

Yes, sir. Absolutely, sir.

Thank you, sir.

"I absolutely forbid you to take my daughter flying. Is that absolutely understood?" "Oh, yes, sir!"

-Three bags full, sir!

-You can't blame your father for thinking flying is dangerous, it is.

When he gets enthusiastic about the idea, he'll change his mind.

-Oh, Patricia...

-No, Richard. You're in uniform!

If you won't take me flying, I shall find someone who will.

Oh! All right.

I suppose you wouldn't like to have lunch at Windsor?

You can drive the car, if you like.

-Me?

-Yes.

Oh!

Come on!

That's my idea, gentlemen. Not a festival, but something that will fire the imagination of the world.

It will bring together different types of flying machines

and, at the same time, increase the circulation of my newspaper.

An air race, gentlemen - initiated, sponsored and rewarded by the Daily Post.

An air race which will show that Britannia not only rules the waves, but intends to rule the skies.

An air race between the two most important capitals of the world -

London and Paris.

Flying across the English Channel?

Of course. That's the whole idea, Gasgoyne.

A French fellow did it last year. I presume progress has been made since.

-Of course, sir.

-Very well.

I'll leave the details to my staff and you gentlemen of the Royal Aero Club.

You, Gasgoyne, will be my liaison officer and air correspondent.

I'll expect you to go aloft...often!

Yes, sir. And what's the prize, sir?

£10,000.

£10,000! That will attract fliers from all over the world.

That's the idea.

Nevertheless, I expect the prize to be won by an Englishman.

"Great London-Paris Air Race. Daily Post offers £10,000 prize.

"Competitors will fly across English Channel."

-Not bad.

-Add "Foreign newspapers please copy."

-That's at the bottom.

Here are some more invitations.

With invitations and the newspapers, we'll reach every flying man in the world.

Emilio Ponticelli, Italy.

Pierre Dubois, Dieppe, France.

MUSIC: "The Marseillaise"

Mademoiselle! >

Monsieur Dubois! Monsieur Dubois!

AEROPLANE WHIRS Monsieur Dubois! Une lettre!

CRASH!

Il est mort.

Oh...am I dead or am I dreaming?

Merveilleux. You are so charming. What's your name?

Brigitte.

Brigitte! Oh, formidable!

Concussion.

-Monsieur?

-Plus tard, plus tard.

-Perhaps it is important.

It's from England.

Mon Dieu!

250,000 francs!

-You?

-We must get down the machine.

-Me?

-Yes, you.

MUSIC: "Deutschlandlied"

Schauen Sie was da los ist.

ORDERS SHOUTED

Read it, please.

"His Imperial Majesty the Kaiser commands that a German officer wins...the London-Paris Air Race.

"You will make arrangements accordingly."

-Rumplestrosse.

-Herr Colonel?

-Order another flying machine.

Jawohl, Herr Colonel! But there's no-one else who can fly.

It cannot be difficult or Winkler couldn't have done it.

-Not that he was any good!

-Of course!

-So, Rumplestrosse...

-Herr Colonel?

-You will fly the new machine.

Jawohl, Herr Colonel...

But how will I learn to fly?

Same way that the German Army

learns everything - from the instruction book.

Come on!

WIND HOWLS

It's OK you being interested in the ladies - that's natural.

But it ain't OK to stand up and wave when you fly past them!

I lost my head.

Yeah. You lost most of my investment, too.

I can fix it.

Maybe we'd better just call it a day, Orvil. Go back to work like ordinary people.

George, you just don't have the flying bug.

You don't know what it's like up there.

It's not the going up, it's the different ways you find of coming down!

Boy, when you're up there you get a sense of freedom and power...

that you just don't get from anything else.

I'm never going to give up flying.

Hey, Orvil, look at this!

"The London to Paris Air Race.

-"First prize - 50,000."

-Oooh-wheee!

"For further details, turn to page six."

Whoa!

Somewhere out there is page six.

Where is the great Ponticelli?

Signor, signor, have you heard the news?

-Papa, va bene?

-Pensori, cari.

No..niente, niente, Sofia. Niente, cara.

Emilio, now you give up flying, huh?

I promise, cara.

No more flying. Finito.

< Emilio!

Are you all right?

-Every bone in my body is broken.

-Have you seen this?

Sofia... Look.

I shall enter. I shall win.

For Italia.

-But you promised!

-Is postponed. Come. We go and make the planes.

I'll buy the best flying machine in the world.

Like Caesar, we go to England!

Bambini, andiamo.

Bravo! Bravo!

EXCITED SHOUTING

THEY SHOUT EXCITEDLY

Nanda. Tu is ta?

Yamamoto!

Yamamoto... SPEAKS JAPANESE

REPLIES IN JAPANESE

CLIPPED ENGLISH ACCENT: £10,000!

We've had 83 entries - 40 from the continent alone!

Interest in the race is world-wide.

It's one of the best ideas I've ever had.

SHE GASPS

Your go, Patricia.

Another entry! From Phoenix...

Arizona, milord. Arizona.

Arizona? Well, to come all that way he must be very rich or very confident.

As an American, he's probably both.

-I say!

->

-You didn't invite that bounder Sir Percy, did you?

-Of course not.

-Then what's he doing here?

-I don't know.

-Hello, Miss Rawnsley.

-Hello.

-Rawnsley. Mays.

Popped in for a form for that little junket of yours to Gay Paris.

If you're referring to an official entry form, my office will send you one.

As I'm one of Britain's foremost aeroplanists, they should have sent me one before.

If you hold your mallet like this, you'll play much better.

-I'll hold my mallet as I always have!

-Then you'll miss the shot.

What did I say? Missed the shot.

I expect we'll see you soon, Sir Percy. Glad you're joining the race.

I won't just join it, I'll win it.

Do you really think you have a chance, Sir Percy?

Miss Rawnsley, I never leave ANYTHING to chance.

Hang on to the tail, I'm revving up.

Hey, Orvil, look at that!

Wow!

That's what you've gotta beat.

Oooh-eee!

I'll be right back.

-Are you all right?

-Yes, of course.

Oh, dear.

Thank you. No, no! The other way.

-This way.

-No, it's the other way.

Look what you've done!

What I'VE done?

-Haven't you ever seen legs before?!

-Sure I have. Lots of times.

When you take girls flying as often as I do, you get to see lots of legs.

And bloomers too.

None as pretty as yours though.

If that's supposed to be a compliment, I'm not flattered.

-Did you say you take girls flying?

-Sure, all the time. Only back home. I'm here to race.

Oh, you're one of the Americans.

Uh-huh.

Well, THAT explains everything. My bicycle, please?

Oh, sure.

Say, do you work around here?

No! Why?

Well, I thought that... Well, I'd like to see more of you.

You could have worded that better!

Impossible. I'm not being stuffy, but we haven't been introduced.

Do we have to be?

But of course. English girls don't care to be "picked up".

So, until we are properly introduced, goodbye.

Ah, there you are, Mays!

-Oh, hello, sir.

-I want a word with you.

-Certainly, sir. Inside or out?

-Out.

-I expect you know what I want to talk about.

-Yes, sir, the race.

-No, not the race. Patricia.

She's getting rather keen on you.

Well, are you intending to propose to her?

With your permission, sir.

My dear fellow, you can take that for granted. Your father was at school with me.

-There's just one snag, sir.

-Oh?

-It's finding the time for married life.

-What do you mean?

I soldier all day and I'm rather busy in the evenings.

Monday, I dine in. Tuesday's card night at Whites.

Wednesday, I play snooker with the adjutant. Thursday...we end up at Romano's.

-That only leaves Friday.

-What about the weekends?

Oh, that's for flying, sir. It's the only time I've got.

I could give up my card night.

Oh, no. We don't want to spoil the girl. You do love her, don't you?

-I do, sir, very much.

-I thought so.

Glad we had this little talk. Nice to know you're serious, so few young people are these days.

Goodbye.

Bye, sir.

CHILDREN CHATTER EXCITEDLY

There are the hangars. You can put your plane in the one nearest us.

A first-class plane! Wait till you see it!

Come, my darling, it's wonderful. I'm going to be very happy here.

I'm very happy for you.

What is all that water?

-Actually, it's the sewage farm.

-What is sewage?

It's rather nasty - drains and all that.

-It's jolly useful. Most of the pilots crash there...

-Crash?

They aren't aeroplanists till they have.

Er...you'll want to know all about the practice times.

-You are scheduled for 7.30 am and 4.00 pm. How's that?

-First class!

You follow the French.

I no follow the French. Italy come first or not at all. We go.

Finito. Andiamo casa.

Sir! Sir! If you feel so strongly, you can go before the French.

I can?

Masterclass!

Sofia, we go before the French. Who is this?

Lord Rawnsley.

Ah, the English Lord. Good morning, milord!

-Good heavens, he's brought his whole family!

-Who is he?

-Emilio Ponticelli.

He's one of the richest men in Italy. He's always buying flying machines.

A great enthusiast...for everything.

Morning, milord.

Morning, sir!

Right ho, lads. Heave ho! On to the field.

Drei!

Drei! Vier!

Vier! Funf!

Funf!

Sechs!

Sechs!

Sieben! < Sieben!

Achtung!

Brigitte! Oh, wonderful. Every time I see you, my heart sings.

Brigitte, no. Ingrid. I am Swedish.

-Swedish? But didn't I see you on the beach in Normandy?

-Possibly.

-Come. Teach me to fly.

-Voulez-vous apprendre a piloter?

-Il n'y a rien de plus facile.

-Oh!

C'est pour commander les ailes.

En arriere.

Oh!

Look! He's teaching her to fly!

Ridiculous. Anyone can see she isn't in the least mechanically minded.

She does 35mph.

A wingspan of 30 feet.

When you get up to about 40 flaps per minute,

use the top car and you're away.

-Are you sure it will fly?

-Of course it'll fly!

This has the power of an eagle, the grace of a swan.

It's a bargain for 350 guineas.

-Emilio!

-Don't worry.

-Put it on, please.

-I don't want that. It's guaranteed.

-Emilio, put it on for me, please!

Aaahh...Sofia!

Eh!

All right!

Take it away!

RHYTHMIC SQUEAKS AND WHOOSHES

Up! Up!

Up! Up!

Oh, Gawd!

Oh, well. We all make mistakes.

-BICYCLE BELL RINGS Morning, sir.

-Morning, madam.

Morning, Sir Percy.

I hope your hands are clean.

Come on, Courtney!

-Switches off, sir.

-Switches off.

-Switches on, sir.

-Switches on.

..Contact, sir.

Contact, Courtney.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND ROARS

Come on, Courtney!

Hang on, I haven't revved up yet, you useless lot!

Hey, you! Yes, YOU! Give my chaps a hand, will you?

He's not supposed to carry passengers.

Oh, 'eck!

BELL CLANGS

Stand by, lads. It's Sir Percy!

Make for the sewage farm!

REVS DIP

Er? Oh!

Bug off!

What the hell are you doing?

Oh! Get your backside out of my face!

What the hell are you doing?!

I can't drive the plane.

BELLS CLANG

Back to the sewage farm!

-He's going to crash!

-Yeah!

CRASH!

You bounder. Look what you've done to my aeroplane! I'll kill you!

-Come on, Courtney!

-Ow!

Infantry!

March!

Links...links...

Links!

Halt!

Links...

CONTINUES TO SHOUT ORDERS

Lager, achtung!

BUGLE PLAYS

GRAMOPHONE PLAYS "Frere Jacques"

BUGLE AND GRAMOPHONE COMPETE

Le drapeau!

Le drapeau! Voyons!

THE FRENCH LAUGH

-Is this where the Yankee fellow hangs out?

-Yes, guvnor.

-Are you quite certain he's smaller than me?

-Oh, yes, guvnor.

Right. Stay there.

Are you there, Yankee chap?

Oh, howdy.

-Do you want me?

-I certainly do.

You caused me to crash my flying machine.

I therefore intend giving you a jolly good thrashing. Ready?

-NASALLY:

-I suppose you think that's funny?

Pardon me.

You might want to thrash someone else with this.

Yes.

Got a cold, guvnor?

Ooh-ooh.

You're late.

-Oh, Richard! You taste of castor oil.

-Eeurgh!

Did you fix the extra petrol tank?

Yes. And changed the oil. It did need changing, you were quite right.

Of course. I'm always right.

And now you're going to help me... grease the undercarriage!

Come on.

Right. You begin greasing here.

On the axle?

Mmm. It could do with it.

Say, you've really got something here!

-Anything I can do for you?

-I was hoping that you might let me borrow a monkey wrench.

A monkey wrench? Oh... I can let you have an adjustable spanner, if that's it.

I guess that's what they call it in England.

-You're Orvil Newton?

-Yes.

-I'm Richard Mays.

How do you do?

I'll get it for you.

Oh, may I present Miss Patricia Rawnsley.

Well, how do you do?

Now, doesn't this constitute a formal introduction?

Yes...I suppose so.

Do you have to do that every time we meet?!

Well...I...

Hurry up!

Thank you.

-Your monkey wrench, Mr Newton.

-Well, thank you.

I'll bring it back just as soon as I'm through.

-Where did you meet that fellow?

-Oh, I met him here.

Oh!

Good-looking chap, isn't he?

Is he? Oh, I didn't notice.

Come on. On with the greasing.

LAUGHTER Thanks, dear.

Just a wee dram to warm me up, eh?

Oh!

-Ingrid! You are working here!

-My name is Marlene. I'm German.

-I've met you somewhere before, I'm sure.

-Possibly.

Never mind. We have met now.

I would like you to know - I adore Germans.

Howdy.

May I sit down?

Let me make quite sure my skirt's out of the way.

How is the food?

Everything's off but the chop and chips.

Well, that's what I'll have then.

-Can I order you anything?

-No, thank you. I'm just going.

Not bad, huh?

Yes. It's a very beautiful aeroplane.

-No, I meant me.

-Oh!

Oh, is that you?

I don't normally carry my photo around,

but Mr Gasgoyne of the Daily Post wanted it...

Please, begin...

That's a Wright bi-plane, isn't it?

No, that's a Curtis.

-Is that the one you take passengers up in?

-Mm-hmm.

It's got an Anzani engine in it - 70 horse power.

-And you brought it from Arizona?

-Mmm-hmm.

-You must be very rich.

Sorry to disappoint you, ma'am, but we came across by cattle boat.

We're in hock up to our eyebrows.

If I don't win that race, I'll lose my plane and everything.

Say, do you know that you are very beautiful?

Oh, yes, I know I am.

I also have a very good figure,

I'm rich, and I'm in love with an extremely handsome man.

Mmm. Is he in love with you?

-I think so.

-Hasn't he told you?

Well...not exactly.

I mean, yes...yes, he has.

Let's talk about you.

All right. What about me?

-Would you take me up?

-Well, sure, any time.

Tomorrow?

All right. First thing in the morning.

Say, you have flown before, haven't you?

Yes.

Yes. Hundreds of times.

I just love it. I...

I have to go now. Till tomorrow.

I'll see you outside my hangar.

Sorry to keep you waiting. I've brought the car to the door.

Been sitting with that American?

Yes. He was telling me about Arizona.

You were quite right, Richard. He is VERY good looking.

I didn't fancy the way he was looking at you.

I do believe you're jealous!

Me? Jealous? Never! If I catch him looking at you again like that...

..I'll give him a good hiding.

Don't be so pompous!

BUGLE PLAYS REVEILLE

GRAMOPHONE PLAYS "Frere Jacques"

Who's first off this morning, Courtney?

Mr Dubois, sir.

-He's a danger.

-I know. He's got a better flying machine than you.

I don't admit that. But if he has, it'll have to be nobbled.

You're not...?

You're not going to sabotage it?

I certainly am not.

YOU are.

Get back. Get back.

Bonne chance, Pierre!

Bon voyage, Pierre!

I see the Frenchie's taking off.

Shall I call the lads out?

No, he'll be all right. He knows what he's doing.

You all right, Chief?

SHOUTS ORDERS IN GERMAN

Today we fly, Rumplestrosse.

You will taxi across the field, take off, fly around, and return.

Understood. Taxi across the field...

Aaargh!

METALLIC CRASH

Schwein Hund! Take up your flying machine at once!

Show those French idiots what a German officer can do.

Colonel!

An der Maschine! Marsch! Marsch!

Links! Links! Links! Links!

Zwei, drei, vier...links! Zwei, drei, vier...links!

Zwei, drei, vier...links!

Links! Links!

TRUMPETS A MARCH

-Ready to fly?

-Ready to fly.

-At the double!

ENGINE REVS UP

Eins, zwei, drei...

Rumplestrosse!

Come back!

MEN SHOUT: Herr Rumplestrosse! Komm!

You fool!

Stop flying!

Oh!

How can I stop?

Out of the way! I can't stop!

-BELLS CLANG

-Oh, go away!

Damn instructions!

Stop here!

Come back!

Go faster!

Leave my fire engine alone!

Hey! No!

Somebody do something!

No, Rumplestrosse, no!

For the Kaiser!

Hey, Orvil, where're you going? You're supposed to be practising!

COLONEL: Follow that flying machine!

-Herr Colonel, what shall I do now?

-Look at the book!

-I already did so!

-What's he trying to do?

-Stop it, I suppose.

Oh, isn't he brave!

Oh, well done!

Whoops!

We're heading for the wall.

Come on. We've gotta jump!

ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND DIES He's stopped him!

Three cheers for the American! Hip, hip...

-Orvil, whaddya think you're doing?

-Somebody had to.

Put that man down!

Bravo, Orvil!

Well done!

It's another German!

Help!

Herr Colonel! Come back!

MUSIC: Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyrie"

Rumplestrosse!

Hey, Orvil. What's that contraption you're sticking on?

It's a scoop. Produces more pressure in the engine.

Yeah, well, it might blow up the engine, ever think of that?

You ever think that cigar might, too?

I need the speed. The mono planes are faster than this old buzzard.

I've been looking around. Getting some new ideas.

Yeah.

May I come in?

Oh! How d'ya do?

Boy, you sure are pretty.

I waited as long as I could this morning.

I wanted to apologise, but I just couldn't get away.

-Why not?

-My father insisted on coming to watch everyone practise.

What's he got to do with it?

-He's Lord Rawnsley.

-Lord who?

Oh, didn't you know?

No.

But this is HIS race.

Ha! I guess he's got every right in the world to watch it, then.

Oh, I get it.

He won't allow you to...to fly, will he?

So why did you ask me? You want me kicked out of the race?

Why didn't you ask that fella you're in love with?

I couldn't. He gave my father his word. Richard's a man of principle.

Yeah?

I asked you to take me flying... because I like you.

Oh?

I like you very much.

And I'm DYING to fly!

I have to go now.

Just a second.

I'm going all out to win. Do you think I have a chance?

Well, that's entirely up to you.

Isn't it?

Well, yeah. I guess it is.

I'll see you tomorrow at Dover.

Now for the route, gentlemen.

First leg - London to Dover.

Emergency landing fields - here, here and here.

First aid stations - here, here and here.

Refuelling points - here and here.

What a fuss! Why do we have to go to Dover by road? Why can't we fly?

Heavens! You can't expect these machines to fly 62 miles nonstop!

You've got to reconnoitre by road!

On my left, landmark number seven...

..the level crossing five miles west of Tonbridge.

Mark it on your maps and follow the railway line to Dover.

ORVIL: It's a helluva long way to the other side.

-What do you think?

-What do YOU think?

-Can you swim?

Look, you can see France!

Yes, but there's an awful lot of water in between.

-It is impossible to cross.

-Nothing is impossible for the Fatherland.

Aren't you afraid of getting drown-ded, guvnor?

Sorry to disappoint you,

but if anyone's going to get his feet wet, it won't be me.

-LAUGHTER

-I say...

Pardon moi, monsieur.

Est-ce qu'il y a... un landing field...

in Calais?

What's going on?

WOMEN GIGGLE

Oh, I say!

BRASS BAND PLAYS

-They're all enjoying themselves, sir.

-I hope so! It's costing enough.

Hey, waiter.

Thanks.

Mr Newton!

Orvil!

-Want to drink to my health?

-What? In sea water?

No, I mean champagne.

That's a very charming gesture.

It's most strange. I've been to every seaside resort all over the continent,

but never have I seen a German dive.

Perhaps their skulls are too thin.

Come, Rumplestrosse. We are going to dive.

THE COLONEL TRUMPETS A MARCH

Come in, Colonel. The water is magnificent.

You don't like our little joke, Colonel?

O-o-oh!

-Newton, may I have a word with you?

-Sure.

What's on your mind?

If you continue to make advances to MY fiancee,

I shall knock your block off. Champagne?

Well, she's not officially engaged to you.

It's an understood thing between Lord Rawnsley and myself.

But Patricia hasn't agreed,

and until she does, well...

I'll make all the advances I want.

You really are being most tiresome.

What ARE you doing?

Are you two fighting over me?

Oh, good!

I say! I say! The Japanese chap has arrived.

It's Yamamoto!

He's flown all the way from Japan.

-We don't have the facts yet, sir.

-Don't argue with me.

We must go and welcome him. Come along, everyone.

-Lieutenant Parsons.

-How do you do?

-Mr Richard Mays.

-Excuse me.

-Yamamoto, first class flying machine.

-Thank you.

Children!

-May I?

-Of course.

Now that the Japanese are here, no-one stands a chance.

He's right. This is the one to beat, guvnor.

Then we'll have to nobble the man and not the machine.

Perhaps a little cascara in his chop suey.

Shut up!

Excuse me, sir. You must have had a remarkable journey.

10,000 miles! Did you fly at all?

Of course. I came by mule train to Yokohama,

then by ship to Vladivostock to catch the Trans-Siberian Express...

Good heavens!

..from Moscow overland to Paris, then to Dieppe,

where I took the cross-Channel ferry to Folkestone.

A remarkable journey!

At Folkestone, I boarded my machine and flew ALL the way here!

Four miles! Amazing!

Orvil.

-I've been looking all over for you.

-Well, here I am.

I've an idea. As everyone's still here, do you know what we could do?

I know what we COULD do and what I'd like to do, but do we dare do it?

-Motor cycles go very much faster than motor cars.

-Mmmm.

If we left now, we could be back at Brookley first.

And then?

Then...

..you could take me up in your flying machine.

You're really determined to get me into trouble.

Don't you think I'm worth it?

All right. Come on.

Bonjour, mon capitaine.

Oh! Colonel!

The name of your second?

My second?

Who wishes to be my second?

Jean Pasquale.

Colonel Manfred Von Holstein demands satisfaction. Dawn tomorrow?

Anything you wish.

But you are not serious. This is 1910, you know?

I'm aware of the date.

Tell the idiot I agree.

He agrees.

The choice of weapons is yours.

Do you wish to use pistols, sabres or rapiers?

Balloons.

Balloons?

-And blunderbusses.

-You are trying to make fools of us again!

On the contrary, there is an historical precedent. N'est ce pas?

-A similar duel between a Frenchman and a German took place in...

-1817.

Right... 1817.

The Frenchman won.

In that case, I accept.

THE FRENCH LAUGH

Come along! Back to the motors. I expect you'll be flying back.

Come along, Richard.

-Where's Patricia?

-I thought she was with you, sir.

-She isn't.

What the devil is she doing in that contraption?

-Going to Brookley, I think, sir.

-She hasn't persuaded him to take her up?

I absolutely forbid it. Stop him! Stop him at once!

Faster, Richard, faster.

I'm doing nearly 40mph as it is, sir!

Come down at once! I forbid it!

-Marvellous!

-It's fun, isn't it?

-Yes.

Oh, look! There's Father.

Let's give him a fright.

TWANGING

Oh, rats!

Broke a wing strap.

-You take over the stick and keep it steady, will you?

-Oh, no. I can't.

OK?

I said, keep it steady!

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Orvil, help!

Orvil!

I can't keep it straight!

Orvil!

Help me!

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

I can't do it. Hurry!

FIRE BELLS CLANG

He's lost his trousers!

So he has.

EXCITED SHOUTING

-Are you all right, Patricia?

-Of course!

-How dare you take my daughter up?

-He isn't to blame!

This race was organised to help flying,

-not for brainless nincompoops to give joyrides!

-It was my fault.

It didn't occur to you that crashing with a woman on board

would have put flying back 20 years?

You might have killed her!

Now, look, I knew exactly what I was doing.

And I know what I'm doing!

Oh, Richard!

Patricia, come with me.

Yes, Father.

-Niven, have that machine scratched from the race.

-Not now, Father.

-I am entirely to blame.

-I know that.

This is the last time you'll fly

-and the last time you'll ride a motorcycle.

-Yes, Father.

-That includes the one you have hidden in the garden.

-But...

-Get into the motor!

-Oh!

MOTORCYCLE BACKFIRES

She's at it again. Disobeying my instructions.

I don't think so. It's the American.

What's he doing in my garden? Do you suppose he has a gun?

-Why should he have a gun?

-He's from the Wild West!

-It's only a motorcycle, sir.

-Oh!

He's trying to get back into the race.

Well, he's not going to. Nothing will make me change my mind. Nothing!

Well, go and tell him so. Don't just stand there!

I'm sorry, Newton, but Lord Rawnsley's quite adamant.

Not only are you out of the race, but he expects you to move yourself

and your flying machine from Brookley as soon as possible.

Did you tell him I had to see him?

If I don't get back in the race, I'll lose everything.

We don't even have enough money to get to London, much less Arizona!

You should have thought of that before.

-He only has one daughter.

-Yes, but...

Thank you for trying to help me.

-What will you do?

-I don't know.

I guess I'll have to sell my flying machine.

I'm sorry. But at least you're in the right place to do that.

Well, goodbye and the best of luck.

-You know the way out.

-Thanks.

Orvil. I'm...I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, well.

You were worth it.

Winning the race meant a great deal to you, didn't it?

If I'd won it, I'd have been somebody.

I could have gone up to any girl - even a rich and beautiful one -

and say to her what I wanted to say,

and ask her what I wanted to ask.

Only it can't happen now.

Oh! Please forgive me.

I've been very, very selfish.

I'll never forget you, Patricia.

-Goodbye.

-Oh, no! No, wait.

I'm going to talk to Father.

It won't be easy, but I'm going to get you back into the race.

He'll soon change his mind

when he hears what the American Ambassador has to say!

-Does he know the American Ambassador?

-No.

Neither do I.

Father doesn't know that!

ORDERS SHOUTED IN GERMAN

You gentlemen of the international press know that...

BUGLE SOUNDS REVEILLE

GRAMOPHONE PLAYS "La Marseillaise"

-I gather a lot of innovations have been introduced by competitors.

-Yes.

Take young Parsons of the Royal Navy, for instance.

The fellow alighting now.

He's got a marvellous new naval idea for stopping his flying machine.

What's that?

It's a flying machine, I think. Yes, it must be - it's got propellers.

Any other questions?

You guarantee this one will fly better than the last?

There was nothing wrong with my ornithopter. Just rotten piloting!

You'll like this one. Just start the engine and you're off. Right?

Contact.

Mr Hathewell?

Gentlemen, prepare your weapons!

THE COLONEL TRUMPETS NERVOUSLY

HE WHISTLES "Frere Jacques"

Gentlemen, I count ten and then you will fire.

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

-WIND WHISTLES

-Five...

Six...

Seven...

Ici!

Eight...

Nine...nine...

Get back to your position, Monsieur Dubois!

You are not following the rules!

-We always follow the rules!

-No, you didn't!

-Vive la France! Aaagh!

This time I count to five. One, two, three...

Four...

Five... Fire!

Sabotage! Sabotage!

You insult Italy!

WHOOSH OF ESCAPING AIR

Ooh la!

Ooh la! Ooh la la!

LAUGHS

WHOOSH OF ESCAPING AIR Rumplestrosse!

MUSIC: "The Can Can"

GENERAL PARTY CHATTER

Hello. "With only 16 hours to go

"before the start of the greatest race of all time,

"temperatures have reached boiling point here at Brookley.

"Not surprising, perhaps,

"when so many different nationalities are involved.

"You will be glad to know that the slight technical difficulty

"which it was thought would keep Orvil Newton out of the race

"has now been ironed out.

"Tonight, along with the other competitors, he is attending

"a small eve-of-the-race reception - a gathering which, one hopes,

"may foster a spirit of peace and goodwill amongst the aeronautists."

If you could just turn round too, sir, for your photograph.

Hand to hand. Hands across the sea. That's it.

Let's have a big smile. That's the idea. Hold it.

I always thought the English were noted for their sense of fair play.

Oh, we are indeed, yes, I'm ready, gentlemen.

You punched me when I wasn't looking.

My dear fellow, if you continue to pursue her,

I'll take pleasure in punching you when you are looking.

Gentlemen, I wonder if I could just...

Well, I'm going to MARRY her.

That will be rather awkward, old chap,

because I'm going to marry her, also.

Could we have a nice smile, please?

Thank you so much.

I beg your pardon.

-WHISPERS:

-Buzz off!

Hello! Care for a glass of wine?

No, thanks, old chap. I only drink whisky and water.

Sir Percy, very kind! Thank you.

Serve him right, the greedy blighter!

-We've got work to do.

-We can't do nothing. There's guards everywhere.

And everyone's sleeping by their planes.

Not everyone. Yamamoto's inside

and I've given the Frenchman the address of a lovely young lady.

-Oh, I bet she's a bit of all right!

-You should know.

She's your daughter.

But she's an innocent young girl!

Not "is", Courtney, "was".

-DOOR SLAMS

-Come on.

Drop me at the American's hangar,

then pop into Yamamoto's and use this.

-What are you going to do to the Yankee?

-That's no business of yours,

but I'm going to arrange for one of his wheels to fall off.

That's a bit dirty!

If he can't land on one wheel, he shouldn't be in the race.

He might kill himself!

Well, there are plenty more Americans where he comes from.

-Now one without your cap.

-Certainly not! I'm a naval officer.

-Perhaps a bit of a smile, sir?

-Very well. Just a bit of one.

Lt Parsons, where have you been?

You've not got your log book filled in or anything!

Meet Nelson, my passenger.

-You can't take that.

-Why not?

It'll muck up my forms, for one.

And for another, no-one's taken an animal up.

-If Nelson doesn't go, neither do I.

-Out of the question.

-Oh, go on.

Oh, very well. Fill in these forms.

That's everybody.

All 14 of you. Oh, no, it isn't.

-Where are those blasted Germans?

-Over at the hangars, old man.

I don't think they know anything about your forms.

Rumplestrosse, the great moment has arrived. Come.

Herr Colonel.

It is no good. I am a sick fellow. I cannot fly.

YOU MUST FLY!

For the Emperor and the Fatherland!

For the Emp... Excuse me.

It's going to be a busy day for our lads.

All spectators away from the flying machines!

Away from the flying machines, please!

We ought to be starting them, sir.

Nonsense. I haven't wished everyone luck yet. What is it in Japanese?

I have it, sir. One moment.

Here we are. Co-od o-oi canu.

Thank you, sir.

Good luck.

Get out of it!

-Aren't you sitting the wrong way round?

-Of course I'm not.

Do you take me for an idiot?

This is my latest invention.

It's an idea I had in the bath, when sitting with my back to the taps.

You see, the wind resistance on the tail

is less than it would be on the wings.

I shall probably be in Paris before this lot have got to Calais!

-I don't know what he's talking about!

-Neither does he, sir.

Well, let's see now... What was the French for "Give us the money"?

-Bonne chance, Monsieur Dubois.

-Merci, Monsieur.

Wrong frog, sir.

Bonne chance, Monsieur Dubois.

Bonjour, Mademoiselle.

Monsieur Dubois!

Forgive me. I was carried away.

The spirit of the occasion - the entente cordiale.

If you ask me, too much entente and far too cordiale.

The trouble with these international affairs

is that they attract foreigners.

Achtung!

COLONEL SHOUTS ORDERS

LORD RAWNSLEY: I thought Captain Rumplestrosse was your pilot.

I am taking his place. He is indisposed.

I didn't know you could fly.

There's nothing a German officer cannot do!

"Number one, sit down."

-CHILDREN TALK EXCITEDLY

-Children! Children!

You're not taking your family with you?

You always make-a the joke! They come to wish Papa goodbye.

-Emilio! Cara...

-Sofia. No...

I see you have another new flying machine.

It was sent to me personally by His Majesty the King of Italy.

-Generale Paolo...

-Vada, Generale.

-Good luck to you and the King of Italy.

-Thank you, my Lord.

No, Sofia, no, no...

-Can you tell me where you come from?

-Phoenix, Arizona.

If it wasn't for my daughter's persuasiveness

and my native sporting instinct, you'd be out of this race.

Fortunately, I am a very reasonable man. Good luck to you.

At least if he breaks his neck, my daughter won't be with him.

-Good luck, Orvil!

-Oh, thank you.

Say, will I see you in Paris? I want to talk to you about something.

Something very important.

Oh, yes... I'll be there.

We're going over on Father's yacht.

Richard!

Oh, well...

I'm not going to wish you luck, my boy. I expect you to win without it.

I'll do my best, sir.

-Well, good luck, my dear fellow.

-Thank you, sir.

Good luck, Richard.

Thanks. And thanks for all your help.

Listen, Patricia. As soon as I get to Paris, I've got to talk to you.

It's very important. You will be there?

Yes. I'll be there. Bye-bye.

-There you are.

-I did everything you said.

-Good.

Now get down to Dover and do the rest.

Can't I wait and see the Nip take off, sir?

All right, but don't think you can get treats like this all the time.

BRASS BAND PLAYS

The wind's getting up.

We're 20 minutes late! We must start!

ENGINE PHUT PHUTS

I can't start without Lord Rawnsley.

Can you start it quickly when he does arrive?

Of course, I've only got to do this to start it!

CROWD ROARS

They're off!

I didn't tell them they could start!

TWANG!

CROWD GASPS

A knife.

Get me a knife.

You ain't going to commit hari-kari?

Of course not, you bloody fool, I've got to cut my way out!

-All right, Courtney. You've had your treat.

-But...

Go on!

Away you go!

Maschine 'rein!

-Mama, he's up.

-Yes, but he's got to get down!

ROAR OF ENGINE DROWNS HIS WORDS

HE SINGS ITALIAN OPERA

ENGINE SPLUTTERS AND STUTTERS

ENGINE CUTS OUT

Oh, dear! Oh mamma mia!

Catastrophe!

HE MUTTERS ANGRILY IN ITALIAN

This is indeed an unwarranted intrusion into our privacy.

Be good enough to remove yourself and your machine immediately.

Sisters, return to your work!

-Una momenta.

-What is it?

I cannot leave,

unless I have some help.

I need the men to hold down the tail, so I can take off.

Men are not permitted here.

No men, no take-off.

Mother...

Perhaps the Sisters...?

Certainly not!

A pity. We are the first aviators to race from London to Paris.

We are not interested in worldly matters.

I understand, Mother.

But it is a pity that the race will now be won by a Protestant.

Protestant?

PLANE WHIRS OVERHEAD

Sisters, don't stand around gaping. This good Catholic needs our help!

Brava!

ENGINE STUTTERS AND SPLUTTERS

Don't push!

COWS MOO

What's the idea? Damn silly thing to do!

Nearly frightened the life out of the memsahib.

I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I had no alternative.

Fuel pipe's blocked.

You haven't got a pipe cleaner I could run through it?

-I don't think so.

-No.

Wait a minute... Would that do?

That's just the thing. Thank you, madam.

I'm in the Daily Post Air Race. I suppose you've read about it?

-No. Only read The Times.

-That's right.

AEROPLANE CHUGS OVERHEAD

HE BURSTS INTO SONG

Hold on, please!

I think I'll get one of those.

I shouldn't. You're near enough to your wings as it is.

Come on.

CROWD CHEER

Could we have a photo, sir?

I say, there's the French chappie!

Well done, sir. We'll take care of the machine.

-Well done!

-Congratulations!

Hey, you! Hey!

ENGINE STOPS

Oh, danke schoen.

Danke schoen.

Hey, hey!

GIBBERS EXCITEDLY IN FRENCH

-You fool!

-Look...

CROWD CHEERS

Woo!

Are you all right?

Yeah, but it's the flying machine I'm worried about.

-Looks like you're out of the race.

-I wouldn't say that.

Do you think they got any spare wheels on this landing field?

Possibly, but it'll take all night to repair that!

Is it against the rules to work all night?

-No...

-Right, then.

Good luck.

Any more to come?

Let's see, now.

Of the 14 starters, eight have landed, two crashed on take-off,

three crashed on the way here,

and one...

..is on his way to Scotland?

SCOTTISH REEL PLAYS

QUARTET ELEGANTLY PLAYS THEME TUNE

-Oh!

-Marlene! What are you doing here?

Marlene? No. Francoise. I am Bulgarian.

But aren't you...? I mean...

-Haven't I met you somewhere before?

-Possibly.

I see. Have a drink?

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

I have a sensational announcement.

Sir Percy Ware-Armitage has taken off for France.

He is crossing the Channel even now in the dark!

Stop mucking about!

Useless lot!

Evening, sir. Great honour having Your Eminence aboard.

Careful of that wing! Courtney!

I say... I hope it isn't going to be rough.

Smooth as a billiard table, sir.

-You did bring the money?

-You'll have to take that up with my man.

Courtney...

-Are these people to be trusted?

-Yes. If you give them ten guineas each.

Ten guineas! That pays for a chambermaid for a year!

-Do they guarantee to get me to France before dawn?

-Yes, guvnor.

Courtney, there are ten of them!

Do you realise this will cost me 100 guineas?

110. You'll be paying me the same, I fancy.

Well, you fancy wrong, Courtney. Ignorant oaf!

Any more of this blackmail and I'll have you thrown out of your cottage!

-Off you get!

-Sorry. It was a joke.

-Courtney?

-Yes, guvnor.

-You'll be hearing more of this when I return.

QUARTET PLAYS AN ELEGANT WALTZ

Good heavens! Sir Percy is flying the Channel at this moment.

-In the dark?

-He won't be able to see the railway lines.

What railway lines?

I never thought he had the courage.

We might hear him pass.

Or drop into the sea!

MUSIC: "La Marseillaise"

Five guineas each, wasn't it?

Ten...or we go straight back to England.

Outrageous!

I shall never hire your boat again.

Hey! The tide's in!

It'll be out in a couple of hours.

-Back on board!

-I'm not waiting till daylight to be caught by the French.

You'll have to get your feet wet.

You dirty rotter!

I had hoped that I should be dealing with a gentleman.

So had I!

All ashore!

Just look at those magnificent men!

Daring the elements, challenging the Gods.

Trying...

..nay, hoping...to fly their machines across no less than 22 miles...

Yes, that's what I said. 22 miles of sea!

Welcome to Calais, monsieur!

Give me a hand, will you?

No, no. Put me down!

Go away! I've got to get to Calais. Put me down, you ruddy idiots!

I haven't got the time.

I've got to get to Calais!

ENGINE STUTTERS

WOMAN: Bon voyage, monsieur!

FROM RESCUE BOAT: Are you all right, Lt Parsons?

Don't worry. We'll soon have you out.

GULL SHRIEKS

Can you swim?

There is nothing a German officer cannot do!

Steady on, mes amis! The race isn't over yet.

They've got to get to Paris.

Richard Mays...

Orvil Newton...

Away from Calais at...8.50.

They can leave when they like - they don't have a chance.

Sir Percy took off for Paris two hours ago. Nothing can stop him.

Vive Sir Percy! What am I saying? He's a most ghastly person.

Buzz off!

Buzz off!

GOOSE HONKS

Blast it!

Driver!

Driver! Stop the train!

Arretez la train!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Blast!

ENGINE STUTTERS

Look! Go!

Hey, you! Where can I get some...?

Francoise! What are you doing here?

-Pardon, monsieur?

-You are not Francoise?

-No, Yvette. Why?

Where can I get some gasoline?

At Amiens. It is 5km.

Be a good fellow and bring me as much as possible.

The honour of France is at stake.

MONEY CLINKS

-But, Yvette...?

-You must go.

-Go!

-All right.

But I will be a good 30 minutes.

We have 30 minutes.

BOAT HORNS TOOT

CROWD TALK AND CHEER

AN ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE CAN CAN

Excuse me? Can you see anyone yet?

Yes! Ponticelli is first round the Eiffel Tower.

There are two more on his tail.

ANNOUNCER: This is going to be a very close finish.

Count Ponticelli is ahead, followed by Orvil Newton and Richard Mays.'

WHOOSH!

Jump!

Here they come now. Here's the winner...

It's Richard Mays! Richard Mays of England!

CROWD GASPS

Get ready to jump now.

-Ponticelli! Are you all right?

-Eh?

-Are you all right?

-I'm all right.

-Emilio!

Emilio! Emilio!

ENORMOUS CHEERS

CHEERS DROWN HIS WORDS

Patricia!

Oh, Richard!

Oh, Richard! You won!

Oh, Richard. You won, you won, you won! I'm so pleased!

What happened to Ponticelli?

His machine caught fire. Orvil stopped to pick him up.

He could have won, though.

Hey, Richard!

Richard! Richard... Congratulations.

Well done, Richard. Congratulations.

You deserve it more than I do. It was a wonderful thing you did.

You'd have done the same thing if you'd seen him.

Well... YOU did it. Let's call it a tie. We'll share the prize.

Ah-ha!

ANNOUNCER: The City of Paris salutes the gallant victor.

Pierre Dubois is coming!

THEY PLAY: "La Marseillaise"

Pierre!

ENGLISH ACCENT: You remember me, don't you?

Yes, of course. You are...

-You are...

-Betty.

Betty, of course! How could I ever forget?

-Every time I look at you, my heart sings.

-Oh!

Pardon me. I'd better look at my undercarriage. It's taken a beating.

-We ought to put this somewhere...

-Come and have your photograph taken.