What We Did on Our Holiday


What We Did on Our Holiday

Comedy about Doug and Abi, travelling to Scotland for a birthday celebration, who are trying to hide the fact from their family that they are going through a divorce.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to What We Did on Our Holiday. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

THUMP

0:00:480:00:49

Mickey, have a pee before you go. And in the toilet this time!

0:00:490:00:53

TV PLAYS SOFT MUSIC

0:00:530:00:56

Mickey! Move! Don't sit on the back of the sofa.

0:01:040:01:07

What? Whoa! Ah!

0:01:070:01:09

Right, come on, Jess, time to get a move on, OK? Come on.

0:01:090:01:12

Scottish grandad and his puppies are waiting for us.

0:01:120:01:14

OK? Let me take this. Oh! Jeez! What the...?!

0:01:140:01:17

Oh, for...! What's that?!

0:01:180:01:20

That's Eric.

0:01:200:01:22

-Eric?

-Yes. He wants to come to Scotland with us too.

0:01:220:01:26

Thing is, darling, Eric's a wee bit heavy, and... Hang on. There's...

0:01:260:01:30

What's this?! That's...

0:01:300:01:33

That's Norman.

0:01:330:01:34

That's...half a breezeblock. How did you even pick that up?!

0:01:340:01:38

I can't sleep without Norman.

0:01:380:01:40

You sleep with this in your bed?

0:01:400:01:42

No, that would be stupid!

0:01:420:01:44

He goes at the bottom of my bed

0:01:440:01:46

to make sure the bad ones don't come in.

0:01:460:01:49

So there's bad stones and good stones?

0:01:490:01:51

-Yeah. Like in real life.

-Sure.

0:01:510:01:54

CAR ALARM GOES OFF

0:01:570:01:58

-That's our car alarm!

-Oh, for God's sake!

0:01:580:02:01

ALARM BLARES

0:02:010:02:03

For Odin!

0:02:030:02:06

Argh!

0:02:060:02:08

PHONE RINGS

0:02:130:02:15

Bloody thing!

0:02:150:02:17

PHONE RINGS Bugger off!

0:02:170:02:19

No. I'm sorry, darling, we can't take Norman to Scotland. Or Eric.

0:02:250:02:29

Right. Then I'm going to hold my breath.

0:02:290:02:31

No, no, no. Don't do that. Jess! Jess! Jess!

0:02:310:02:33

Stop it! Jess! Jess!

0:02:330:02:34

OK, they can come. Look! Fine. See. They're coming. It's OK.

0:02:350:02:38

It's OK. Look. Look. In they go. In the bag.

0:02:380:02:41

-Oh!

-So our best friends are stones now?

-No, not all of them.

0:02:410:02:44

Some of them are bricks.

0:02:440:02:46

Well, have you, you know, spoken to anyone about it?

0:02:460:02:49

What? Like a geologist? No. This thing hates me.

0:02:490:02:52

I'm just saying,

0:02:520:02:54

obsessive collecting, it's rather abnormal behaviour for a child...

0:02:540:02:57

Oh, she's behaving abnormally, is she? I wonder why.

0:02:570:03:00

Oh, for Christ's sake, Abi, just get... OK, sweetie?

0:03:000:03:03

Everything all right?

0:03:030:03:04

-I need a list.

-A list?

0:03:040:03:07

Yeah. Of the lies we're going to tell.

0:03:070:03:09

In case I forget one.

0:03:090:03:10

That is a clove hitch.

0:03:120:03:14

It's just a list would be really helpful.

0:03:140:03:16

Now has anyone seen my house keys?

0:03:160:03:18

Oh, M25 slow moving between...

0:03:180:03:21

-Well, everywhere.

-It's just a list would be really helpful.

0:03:210:03:23

Darling, it's really very simple.

0:03:230:03:25

It's Grandad's 75th birthday party and we don't want to upset him

0:03:250:03:28

because he's... He's been a bit poorly.

0:03:280:03:30

He's getting better now.

0:03:300:03:31

Yes. But...

0:03:330:03:34

-ALARM GOES OFF

-Oh! Jesus H Christ!

0:03:340:03:37

Mummy, you're not suppose to say Jesus' name like that.

0:03:370:03:40

Oh, no, that's all right, darling. It's cos I'm asking for his help.

0:03:400:03:43

-To stop the car alarm?

-Yup.

0:03:430:03:45

-ALARM GOES OFF

-See.

0:03:450:03:47

Thank you, Jesus.

0:03:470:03:49

Right, come on. All aboard.

0:03:490:03:50

-Enemies of Odin!

-I want the window seat!

0:03:520:03:53

Have you got your key?

0:03:530:03:55

No, I gave you my key, remember?

0:03:550:03:58

Yeah. Yup.

0:03:580:04:00

-Well, we can't leave the house unlocked.

-Nope.

0:04:000:04:02

-I'm fully aware of that.

-Don't start.

-Nobody's starting, darling.

0:04:020:04:04

You supervise the little ones. That would be great.

0:04:040:04:07

-Where are you keys?

-I think someone's hidden them.

-Oh, for f...!

0:04:070:04:09

We've got to address this. How many times?

0:04:090:04:12

-Don't start!

-We're not starting, darling.

0:04:120:04:15

-Where are you going?

-Lucy.

0:04:150:04:17

Mum, she won't let me put her seat belt on.

0:04:170:04:19

-I don't like it!

-You've got to put the seat belt on.

0:04:190:04:22

She'll be through the window screen and cut into tiny little pieces.

0:04:220:04:25

Yes, thank you, Mickey. Oh! I've got a good idea.

0:04:250:04:28

Why don't we ask Eric if he knows how to...

0:04:280:04:32

-It is Norman, Mum.

-Norman. As I was saying.

0:04:320:04:35

Why don't we ask Norman if he knows how to put a seat belt on?

0:04:350:04:38

He's a breezeblock! And he doesn't have arms!

0:04:380:04:41

How can he possibly put my seat belt on.

0:04:410:04:43

Right. I'm putting it on.

0:04:430:04:44

It's the stone who needs the seat belt

0:04:440:04:46

because if we break hard it will go straight through your head

0:04:460:04:50

or Daddy's head if he's driving. For your information.

0:04:500:04:53

Oh, hi, Lucy.

0:04:560:04:57

Erm, Abi's managed to lose her key somewhere

0:04:570:04:59

and I just need to lock up, so can I borrow the spare?

0:04:590:05:02

She...

0:05:020:05:03

-Oh.

-Oh, no, Lucy. It's fine.

0:05:060:05:10

Oh, right.

0:05:100:05:11

-So...you're off on your travels?

-Yeah, visit my dad.

0:05:150:05:19

And you're driving all the way to Scotland?

0:05:190:05:21

-Yeah, that's right.

-Together?

-Yeah.

0:05:210:05:24

700...

0:05:250:05:26

We cannot drive to the Highlands in one day!

0:05:260:05:28

I told Gavin we'd be there tonight.

0:05:280:05:30

Well, we haven't got a cat's hope in...

0:05:300:05:31

-We can share the driving.

-What? With Jenson Button?

0:05:310:05:34

-Look.

-Please don't argue.

0:05:340:05:35

We're not arguing, darling, we're discussing.

0:05:350:05:37

This is how it starts.

0:05:370:05:39

You start off discussing and then end up shouting and screaming.

0:05:390:05:42

Then the policeman comes.

0:05:420:05:43

That was just a misunderstanding, sweetheart.

0:05:440:05:46

Sometimes when grown-ups discuss things...very loudly,

0:05:460:05:50

-people get the wrong idea.

-He let me play with his Taser.

0:05:500:05:53

-Well, he didn't let you.

-That was another misunderstanding.

0:05:530:05:56

He didn't say I couldn't.

0:05:560:05:57

Did the electricity feel nice, Daddy?

0:05:570:06:01

No, not nice.

0:06:010:06:02

So we'll all have a little holiday together?

0:06:060:06:09

Yeah. That will be lovely, won't it?

0:06:090:06:11

Does that mean that Daddy's going to come and live with us again?

0:06:120:06:16

Well, no, sweetheart.

0:06:160:06:18

We've been through all this, haven't we?

0:06:180:06:19

Oh, yeah.

0:06:190:06:21

And the important thing to remember is that Mummy and Daddy...

0:06:210:06:24

Both love you very much.

0:06:240:06:27

But then sometimes a mummy and a daddy reach a point where...

0:06:270:06:32

Well, things change and then one of them finds that they don't

0:06:320:06:35

really love the other one like they used to and then...

0:06:350:06:39

maybe because of that the other one...

0:06:390:06:43

makes a mistake.

0:06:430:06:44

-Like Lloyd's dad?

-Well...

0:06:440:06:46

that was actually quite a big mistake.

0:06:460:06:49

Running over Lloyd's mum with his car, that was...

0:06:490:06:51

No, I'm talking about a smaller mistake where one of them

0:06:510:06:54

does something that is...

0:06:540:06:55

A little bit silly and selfish with...

0:06:550:06:57

MUTTERS: someone at work.

0:06:570:06:58

So they find themselves having rows and...

0:06:580:07:00

Getting cross.

0:07:000:07:02

And then one of them goes to someone called a solicitor

0:07:020:07:05

and sometimes if one of them's getting angry...

0:07:050:07:08

One of them tells the solicitor to keep saying "no" to everything,

0:07:080:07:11

even though they are in the wrong, which means that even though

0:07:110:07:14

a mummy and daddy love the children very, very much and...

0:07:140:07:18

Always will.

0:07:180:07:19

..they just keep getting crosser...

0:07:190:07:21

..and crosser until the mummy and the daddy start

0:07:210:07:23

blaming each other for every tiny thing, even though

0:07:230:07:26

none of this would be happening

0:07:260:07:27

if the other one had just listened to him in the first place.

0:07:270:07:30

-Dad.

-Yes, Mickey.

0:07:300:07:31

These are a bit tight.

0:07:330:07:34

Dad! Dad!

0:07:380:07:40

We've brought your 12 o'clock pills!

0:07:400:07:42

Oh, chase me around the loch on water skis why don't you?

0:07:420:07:46

You left them behind! And...it's 12 o'clock!

0:07:460:07:50

Come on, you beauty! Come on!

0:07:500:07:53

With his heart, he is suppose to stay calm.

0:07:530:07:55

I mean...how can anybody get so worked up about fishing?

0:07:550:07:59

Oh, Jesus!

0:07:590:08:01

-You never think of looking left and right?

-Dad!

0:08:010:08:04

-Is this Scotland?

-No, darling, this is Watford.

0:08:090:08:12

CAR HORN BLARES

0:08:120:08:13

When Daddy wakes up, are you going to go, "I told you so,"

0:08:130:08:16

cos of traffic congestion?

0:08:160:08:17

No, darling.

0:08:170:08:19

Ah!

0:08:220:08:23

She's not going to say, "I told you so".

0:08:230:08:25

Jess! What did you do that for?

0:08:250:08:26

-It's rude to just wake someone up like that.

-That's right.

0:08:260:08:30

Oh, God. Look at this lot.

0:08:340:08:37

PHONE RINGS

0:08:370:08:39

Leave it.

0:08:390:08:40

Abi's phone.

0:08:400:08:42

Hang on.

0:08:440:08:46

It's Leon.

0:08:460:08:47

I'll call him back.

0:08:470:08:49

She'll call you back.

0:08:490:08:50

I feel car sick. Can I sit in the front?

0:08:500:08:53

Next time we stop, sweetie.

0:08:530:08:55

If we're allowed to.

0:08:550:08:57

SAT NAV: In 50 metres turn right.

0:08:570:08:59

Well, can't bloody turn right, can we?

0:08:590:09:00

-Cos there's no bloody right turn.

-She can't hear you. She's a robot.

0:09:000:09:03

She is the most overpriced, useless...

0:09:030:09:05

Can we change it to another voice?

0:09:050:09:07

Can we have it in Italian like we did last time?

0:09:070:09:09

No, that's how we ended up in Ipswich.

0:09:090:09:11

But we can have it in African language.

0:09:110:09:13

-Say for example either like Chad...

-Chad isn't a language.

0:09:130:09:16

-..or Zimbabwe...

-Is it?

-..or Bahamas?

0:09:160:09:19

PHONE RINGS

0:09:190:09:20

-Or even Israelian?

-Oh, God, it's Gavin.

0:09:200:09:23

Accept it. We're not going to get there tonight.

0:09:230:09:25

The traffic always gets better after the Leeds turn off.

0:09:250:09:27

-Hi, Gavin.

-Tell him we won't make it today.

0:09:270:09:30

Yeah, it is safe me talking to you because Abi's driving.

0:09:300:09:32

Tell him.

0:09:320:09:34

Because in England we let women drive.

0:09:340:09:36

Tell him.

0:09:360:09:37

No, we will make it tonight, just probably quite late. OK.

0:09:380:09:42

OK. Bye.

0:09:420:09:44

HORN BLARES

0:09:480:09:49

TRAFFIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:09:520:09:55

HORN BLARES

0:10:030:10:06

Hello, I wondered if Sir Donald was in?

0:10:060:10:09

Thank you.

0:10:090:10:11

We've got three bulimics.

0:10:110:10:12

Do you think we should put them next to the buffet or away from it?

0:10:120:10:16

I think near the toilet is probably more important.

0:10:160:10:19

Eh, do you know, I think Doreen...she'll be more

0:10:190:10:24

comfortable away from the top table.

0:10:240:10:26

Well, maybe we should let your dad decide

0:10:260:10:27

because she is one of his oldest...

0:10:270:10:29

Sir Donald. Gavin.

0:10:290:10:31

-Yeah.

-..friends.

-Gavin.

0:10:310:10:34

Gavin McLeod. Yeah. I hear you got a hole in one at the 13th.

0:10:340:10:38

Well, word gets around, yeah.

0:10:400:10:42

BANGING

0:10:460:10:48

Well...

0:10:540:10:56

he won't be bothering us again.

0:10:560:10:58

Just wait there, kids.

0:11:000:11:01

I like being sick. It's like being a fountain.

0:11:010:11:05

-You know I was the sickest the most.

-No, I was.

0:11:050:11:07

Thanks for stopping for the night.

0:11:070:11:10

-I just want to get there as soon as possible.

-I know.

0:11:100:11:14

His T-shirt. His T-shirt would fill with vomit because of me.

0:11:140:11:17

Listen... PHONE RINGS

0:11:170:11:19

Oh.

0:11:190:11:21

I think it's a draw, OK?

0:11:210:11:22

You've both produced an equal amount of sick.

0:11:220:11:24

BOTH: But I still won.

0:11:240:11:25

Why are we putting ourselves through all this?

0:11:290:11:31

Maybe we should just tell your dad the truth.

0:11:310:11:34

No. No, it's too big a risk.

0:11:340:11:36

It can really upset him the idea of us splitting.

0:11:360:11:39

Please, Abi.

0:11:390:11:41

He can't have long. Let's just...

0:11:410:11:44

Let's just let him have his party.

0:11:440:11:46

Oh, Jesus Christ. No, no.

0:11:550:11:59

For the last time, Lottie, no-one's going to ask you if Mum

0:12:120:12:15

and me are living in the same house.

0:12:150:12:17

-Is there anything else you've not told me?

-No.

0:12:170:12:19

Why are you writing that down?

0:12:210:12:23

So you can't say you didn't say it.

0:12:230:12:25

OK. Kids, just to remind... Mickey, stop playing chip Jenga.

0:12:250:12:30

Just to remind everyone what we're saying is

0:12:300:12:32

when we get to Scotland nobody is to tell anyone that Mum

0:12:320:12:35

and me are living in different houses. OK?

0:12:350:12:38

Can we tell them that you accidently walked in

0:12:380:12:40

while the headmistress was doing a poo?

0:12:400:12:42

It's not really...

0:12:420:12:43

Can we tell them about tadpoles turning into frogs?

0:12:430:12:45

Absolutely. I think that that will be an excellent conversation.

0:12:450:12:48

That's a much better topic of conversation.

0:12:480:12:51

So as long as we're all agreed when we get there none of us

0:12:510:12:53

-mention anything about this. OK?

-I wasn't going to mention it anyway.

0:12:530:12:56

-It's boring.

-Exactly. Boring.

-It's lying.

0:12:560:12:59

It's not lying. It's not. It's not mentioning something.

0:12:590:13:04

What if someone asks me - are your mum and dad getting divorced?

0:13:040:13:07

Lottie, you're visiting your grandad.

0:13:070:13:09

You're not going on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

0:13:090:13:11

I hope we get another sunset tonight. Last night was fantastic.

0:13:130:13:16

It's the volcanic distant air refracting the low level sunlight.

0:13:160:13:20

Really?

0:13:200:13:22

I thought it was those new pills the doctor's got me on.

0:13:220:13:25

I must give you a couple of packets of the blue ones.

0:13:250:13:27

You can take them to school, sell them to your friends.

0:13:270:13:30

Make a tidy wee profit.

0:13:300:13:32

Here, play something.

0:13:340:13:37

HE PLAYS CLASSICAL PIECE

0:13:410:13:44

Nah, nah, nah.

0:13:440:13:45

Play the proper stuff. You know you like it.

0:13:450:13:48

You've got to cut loose, Kenny.

0:13:480:13:50

Go mental.

0:13:500:13:52

Dad says I need to concentrate on my exam pieces.

0:13:520:13:55

HE PLAYS CLASSICAL PIECE

0:13:550:13:57

SIRENS BLARE

0:14:040:14:07

SAT NAV: In 50 metres turn right.

0:14:400:14:43

Right.

0:14:430:14:45

Oh, Jesus!

0:14:450:14:48

-Why didn't you wake me?

-You said it was rude.

0:14:480:14:50

Not when I'm driving.

0:14:500:14:52

What's happening?

0:14:520:14:53

Daddy doesn't like me driving when he was asleep.

0:14:530:14:56

-What?! You were asleep?!

-Is this Scotland?

0:14:560:14:59

-You actually fell asleep?

-Not really.

0:14:590:15:02

Yeah, these are the Highlands, Mickey.

0:15:020:15:04

-How high are the Highlands?

-Were you sleeping?

0:15:040:15:07

-They're high. Higher than the Lowlands.

-Did you fall asleep?

0:15:070:15:10

-DOGS BARK

-Puppies!

0:15:460:15:49

Forgot the way to Scotland then, eh?

0:15:510:15:53

DOUG CHUCKLES

0:15:530:15:54

VOMITING

0:15:550:15:59

TOILET FLUSHES

0:15:590:16:02

So, Mickey, belated birthday present.

0:16:110:16:13

-I bet you can guess what it is.

-Is it a bicycle?

0:16:130:16:16

Is it a joke cushion that stabs you in the bottom?

0:16:180:16:21

-No, it is not.

-Is it a cow pie?

0:16:210:16:23

-Grandad!

-Grandad, happy birthday!

0:16:230:16:25

Hello, darling.

0:16:250:16:26

Whoo!

0:16:260:16:28

Hey, Dad?

0:16:280:16:29

-Gordie.

-Hello.

0:16:300:16:32

-Happy birthday.

-Thanks very much.

0:16:320:16:35

How's things, Dad?

0:16:350:16:36

Fine. Fine. Good. How's things with you?

0:16:360:16:40

-Brilliant.

-Fine. Super. More than.

0:16:400:16:43

-It is more fun, actually.

-Brilliant. Tremendous.

0:16:430:16:45

Fun. Isn't it? Yeah. Really, really good.

0:16:450:16:48

Right.

0:16:480:16:50

-I did you a birthday card, Grandad.

-Oh, thanks, Lottie.

0:16:500:16:53

She's got something of your mother, hasn't she?

0:16:530:16:55

-What? Can he not play with that?

-Oh, Mickey!

-Sorry.

0:16:550:16:58

I just wanted to show Grandad the bedroom, the revolving doors

0:16:580:17:01

and the nun with two heads.

0:17:010:17:03

-Nobody wants to see a nun with two heads.

-I do!

0:17:030:17:06

That computer's not for kids, OK.

0:17:060:17:08

-All the terminals are connected. It's...

-Synergised system.

0:17:080:17:11

That's right.

0:17:110:17:12

You know, the whole house virtually wireless.

0:17:120:17:14

-It's...more than an iCloud, it's...

-iFog.

0:17:140:17:19

It's an intelligent house.

0:17:190:17:21

Is it intelligent as a squid?

0:17:210:17:25

-As a squid?

-Cos it can fit through a hole like that.

0:17:250:17:28

I think it's intelligent in a way...

0:17:280:17:30

Can it draw a leopard?

0:17:300:17:32

-What?

-And can it do cartwheels?

0:17:320:17:34

-Is this house more intelligent than you?

-Mickey.

0:17:340:17:37

The system cost a lot of money, OK?

0:17:370:17:39

Yeah, well, it doesn't always mean it's intelligent.

0:17:390:17:42

It costs loads of money.

0:17:420:17:44

Yeah, you're not explaining at all well.

0:17:440:17:47

I think we should take you to the headmaster of your place because...

0:17:470:17:51

It's an intelligent house! OK?

0:17:510:17:53

You know, it's connected. Let there be light.

0:17:550:17:59

Now then, Clan McLeod, if you'll excuse me.

0:18:000:18:04

Where are the keys? They were there a moment ago.

0:18:070:18:10

Who could have taken them?

0:18:100:18:11

I don't know.

0:18:120:18:15

Magpies.

0:18:150:18:16

HE SIGHS

0:18:180:18:20

Magpies?

0:18:200:18:21

This is my domain. Only special people come here.

0:18:230:18:26

After you, my dear.

0:18:280:18:32

Ta-da!

0:18:320:18:34

Jess! This is insane!

0:18:440:18:46

I only asked you where the keys were.

0:18:460:18:48

Jessie. Jessie, just breathe. Take a big, big breath.

0:18:480:18:52

-Like a big, deep breath.

-She holds her breath?

0:18:520:18:55

-Yep.

-Ah, well, she can't do herself too much harm, eh?

0:18:550:18:59

Well, actually...

0:18:590:19:01

Till she blacks out. Unconscious.

0:19:010:19:03

That's quite extreme, isn't it? To hold your breath for that long.

0:19:030:19:08

Well, she can always become a pearl diver.

0:19:080:19:11

Where's Sir Donald gone?

0:19:160:19:17

Have you noticed anything odd about Doug and Abi?

0:19:170:19:21

Hey! What have you done to that helmet?

0:19:210:19:23

I took the horns off it.

0:19:230:19:25

London manners, eh?

0:19:260:19:28

Doug can't control him.

0:19:280:19:30

And as for her...

0:19:300:19:31

that's what happens when you marry someone too clever.

0:19:310:19:34

That's me when I was 20. When my skin was a little less orange.

0:19:400:19:43

Is that you with the monkey?

0:19:470:19:48

Yup. That was my 30th birthday in northern Rhodesia.

0:19:480:19:51

-We were looking for silver.

-Kneel before mighty Odin!

0:19:510:19:54

Do you not get birthdays after you're 75?

0:19:540:19:57

-What?

-Dad said to Mum that it's going to be Grandad's last birthday.

0:19:570:20:00

I heard him.

0:20:000:20:03

Oh, Blu Tack. Can I have this?

0:20:030:20:05

Sure. Tell you what, Mickey.

0:20:050:20:07

-Why don't you go check out on the puppies? See if they're OK.

-Sure.

0:20:070:20:10

I'm building a big...

0:20:100:20:12

You've heard of cancer.

0:20:180:20:21

Well, I've got that.

0:20:210:20:22

But you will get better?

0:20:220:20:25

Well, actually, no. They can't make me any better.

0:20:250:20:27

And the treatments they've been giving me

0:20:270:20:29

have been putting a terrible strain on my heart.

0:20:290:20:32

But right now, right this second, I feel brilliant.

0:20:360:20:40

-What is this?

-It's my notebook.

0:20:430:20:45

You know, Lottie, a lot of life doesn't look very good written down.

0:20:470:20:53

-So cousin Kenneth is the one who took the keys?

-Yeah.

0:20:530:20:57

-Isn't he a naughty boy?

-And where did cousin Kenneth put the keys?

0:20:570:21:01

-Right.

-Lost something?

-BOTH: No.

0:21:040:21:07

-Kenneth's been a very...

-PHONE RINGS.

0:21:070:21:09

-So you ready for that game of football?

-Leon, hi.

0:21:090:21:11

No, no, still very keen.

0:21:110:21:13

-Oh, nice header.

-Yeah, all right.

0:21:130:21:16

Maybe your parents just lied to protect you.

0:21:190:21:21

-Do you ever lie?

-Well, I've told lots of lies.

0:21:210:21:24

Lots and lots. I always lie to policemen.

0:21:240:21:26

They say, "What speed were you going?" I say, "30mph,"

0:21:260:21:29

when I was clearly doing much faster than that.

0:21:290:21:32

And I don't care.

0:21:330:21:35

Sometimes if your intentions are good...it's OK to lie.

0:21:370:21:42

And if you don't like someone's food at someone's house and you say,

0:21:420:21:46

"Oh, this is great," even though...

0:21:460:21:48

That's what you do. You don't say, "My God.

0:21:480:21:50

"I think I'm going to vomit here."

0:21:500:21:52

What your saying is, it's OK to lie to some people sometimes?

0:21:520:21:56

Yeah, it's also good fun. For instance.

0:21:560:22:00

See if we can find him in here. George Judd.

0:22:000:22:03

There he is. That's him there.

0:22:040:22:07

We told him there was an elephant leech clinging to his bollocks.

0:22:070:22:10

He got such a fright he completely fainted.

0:22:100:22:13

Is that you?

0:22:140:22:16

-No, I'm the wee one.

-Who's that?

0:22:160:22:18

Eh...

0:22:190:22:21

How could I forget?

0:22:230:22:25

Dip me in vinegar and call me a fish supper.

0:22:250:22:28

I have here a chocolate model of the Alps.

0:22:280:22:32

Ta-da!

0:22:320:22:33

He's weaving his magic!

0:22:350:22:37

He's clean through.

0:22:380:22:40

-Foul!

-Oh, come on. I hardly touched you.

0:22:400:22:43

And so it begins.

0:22:430:22:44

-Kenneth, your ball!

-Oh!

0:22:440:22:47

-Oh, for Christ's sake, Kenneth!

-Gavin, please.

0:22:470:22:49

What is wrong with you? Crying out loud.

0:22:490:22:51

-Come on.

-Mickey, this is your ball!

0:22:510:22:53

I'm a Berserker!

0:22:530:22:54

Can you stop being a Berserker...! Ah! Ow!

0:22:540:22:57

-And England are rattled.

-I'm not England!

0:22:570:22:59

You're so English you're practically French.

0:22:590:23:01

Oh, no! I think I see a marauding Berserker.

0:23:010:23:05

Help! Oh!

0:23:050:23:07

-Oh! That would have killed me...

-I've killed you!

0:23:070:23:09

..if I didn't move my heart at the last minute to the other side.

0:23:090:23:11

-Thank goodness.

-You can't.

-Yes, you can.

0:23:110:23:13

When you're Scottish you've got a moveable heart.

0:23:130:23:16

-Oh!

-You're dead.

-Jess! Jess, kick it in the goal!

0:23:160:23:18

Kenneth, you spaz!

0:23:180:23:20

Gavin, please!

0:23:200:23:22

Get the bloody ball!

0:23:220:23:23

She's going to score!

0:23:230:23:25

Jess! Are you OK?

0:23:290:23:31

Darling.

0:23:310:23:32

I'm so sorry, Jess. I'm sorry, everyone.

0:23:320:23:34

-It's all right.

-I'm really, really sorry.

0:23:340:23:37

-It wasn't your fault.

-No. No, it WAS his fault.

0:23:370:23:39

Is she OK?

0:23:390:23:40

No harm done. You're all right, aren't you, darling?

0:23:400:23:43

Come on, Jess, let's get you some ice cream.

0:23:430:23:45

I'll make you a hot chocolate...

0:23:450:23:47

I'm just going to take this penalty.

0:23:480:23:51

-Did you really play for Scotland?

-Aye, I did. Just the once.

0:23:510:23:54

Against Cyprus.

0:23:540:23:56

-Did you score?

-I certainly did. A cracking header into the top corner

0:23:560:24:00

of my own net.

0:24:000:24:02

That's probably why you only played once.

0:24:020:24:05

Nobody going to go in goal? Gavin?

0:24:050:24:08

So how are you feeling?

0:24:080:24:11

Really, really pissed off with this dying thing.

0:24:110:24:14

Terribly, utterly, 100% pissed off.

0:24:140:24:18

Like millions before me.

0:24:180:24:20

You could look on the bright side, you dodged Alzheimer's.

0:24:200:24:25

Gavin!

0:24:250:24:28

You know, this morning I was thinking about Doug

0:24:280:24:30

when he was Jess' age.

0:24:300:24:32

I used to tickle him and he would go, "No, no, no!"

0:24:320:24:35

And then when I was finished he would go, "More, more, more!"

0:24:350:24:38

Which sums up exactly how I feel about living.

0:24:380:24:41

One-all.

0:24:440:24:45

Right. Time, everybody! Margaret!

0:24:470:24:49

-The keys are back!

-Mm-hm.

0:24:530:24:56

Uncle Gavin, are you rich? This place is enormous.

0:24:560:25:00

Er, no. Comfortable.

0:25:000:25:03

This isn't actually...

0:25:030:25:05

This is owned by my company, not by me, so I use like a tax wrapper...

0:25:050:25:09

-Are you like a tax man?

-No, no. I...

-What is your actual job then?

0:25:090:25:13

Well, I have an interest in a fund.

0:25:130:25:15

So you're a banker.

0:25:150:25:17

No, no. I work with the banks.

0:25:170:25:19

Dad said, "Bankers are scum."

0:25:190:25:21

-Hm.

-Did I say...? Well, I might have done, yeah.

0:25:210:25:25

Would you ever thought that you would own this house

0:25:250:25:28

-if you were not a banker?

-I'm not a banker.

0:25:280:25:30

Yeah, Gav, what is your actual job?

0:25:300:25:33

-What is scum?

-I use money to make money.

0:25:330:25:35

-That doesn't make sense.

-Margaret!

-That does not make sense.

0:25:350:25:38

When will we ever get this answer out of you?

0:25:380:25:41

-I'm giving you the answer.

-Is it going to be the 12th of July?

0:25:410:25:45

-Enough.

-OK. I'm a short seller.

0:25:450:25:48

You sell shorts?

0:25:480:25:49

You're a short sailor?

0:25:490:25:51

Not a short sailor.

0:25:510:25:53

A short seller.

0:25:530:25:55

Your friends, do they sell shoes, socks, hair pieces?

0:25:550:25:58

What sort of a millionaire are you?

0:25:580:26:01

OK. I've got lots of money. OK?

0:26:010:26:03

Lots of money. I've got shares. I've got property. I've got gold.

0:26:030:26:06

I've got lots of money. Can we just...?

0:26:060:26:09

MARGARET!

0:26:090:26:11

HE PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC PIECE

0:26:110:26:14

If this has got another two minutes we're going to get obese.

0:26:240:26:27

I can even feel myself getting obese now.

0:26:270:26:31

Sweetie, that's...

0:26:310:26:34

This is killing me.

0:26:340:26:36

Right now, do you realise this is killing me?

0:26:360:26:39

You should have told me about Grandad.

0:26:390:26:42

-I'm sorry.

-Tsk, tsk, tsk.

0:26:420:26:44

You and Mum need to stop lying.

0:26:450:26:47

APPLAUSE

0:26:500:26:52

If you didn't lie so much then you'd still be together.

0:26:540:26:57

Bravo!

0:26:570:26:58

Then maybe Mum and you wouldn't be on the phone to a solicitor

0:26:580:27:01

all night banging on about breaches and leave to remove.

0:27:010:27:05

More!

0:27:050:27:08

Wasn't that great?

0:27:100:27:12

FAINT SCREAMING

0:27:350:27:37

SOBBING

0:27:420:27:44

SOBBING

0:27:500:27:52

SOBBING

0:27:530:27:56

-Sorry. I shouldn't have...

-Kenneth! Darling.

0:27:570:28:01

It's fine. This is just something women do when they get a bit older.

0:28:010:28:06

It's perfectly normal.

0:28:060:28:09

Just...letting off a bit of steam.

0:28:090:28:12

Is this about the...incident?

0:28:120:28:17

Incident?

0:28:170:28:18

-What incident?

-Mum, it's on YouTube.

0:28:200:28:23

-Leave to remove?

-I need the toilet.

0:28:350:28:37

-Doug!

-Leave to remove. I texted my solicitor.

0:28:410:28:44

Doug, I'm dying for a pee.

0:28:440:28:45

You're planning to take my children away somewhere, aren't you?

0:28:450:28:48

Newcastle. OK? Newcastle. Right.

0:28:480:28:51

-Now is not the time to talk about it.

-Well, when is a good time?

0:28:520:28:55

When I'm not on the toilet.

0:28:550:28:57

Newcastle?

0:29:010:29:02

-Yeah.

-You're seriously going to take my children to live in Newcastle?

0:29:020:29:05

I'm thinking about it.

0:29:050:29:07

Have you told the kids?

0:29:070:29:08

You found this? Yeah.

0:29:080:29:11

I think it's a king's brooch cos it's got the Tree of Life on it.

0:29:110:29:15

-Is it true you're a Viking? Cos Dad said you were.

-Oh, yeah.

0:29:150:29:18

A university hospital were doing DNA tests and wanted volunteers.

0:29:180:29:23

And seeing they were forever taking my blood anyway,

0:29:230:29:26

seems I'm 84% Viking.

0:29:260:29:28

That's most of me.

0:29:300:29:32

Look, come on.

0:29:400:29:41

I thought we agreed that this weekend was about your dad

0:29:410:29:43

and we'd put all personal issues on hold.

0:29:430:29:45

-We agreed, didn't we?

-Yeah.

-Then unlock the bloody door.

0:29:450:29:48

-How would I get to see the kids?

-You would come to Newcastle.

0:29:480:29:51

-What?

-It's a few hours on the train.

-Four hours at least.

0:29:510:29:53

-Three hours, 12 minutes.

-That's nearly seven hours there and back.

0:29:530:29:56

Will you let me out, please?

0:29:560:29:57

-Every weekend, seven hours.

-I'd like to leave, please.

0:29:570:30:00

No, wait, weekends'd be much worse, they do engineering work.

0:30:000:30:03

-I'd spend my life on a bus-replacement service!

-Let me out.

0:30:030:30:05

You're just doing this out of revenge, aren't you?

0:30:050:30:07

Either you behave in a mature and adult way

0:30:070:30:10

or I scream "rape" out of this window.

0:30:100:30:12

Oh, not that again.

0:30:120:30:14

So, why did you pull the horns off your helmet?

0:30:160:30:18

Cos it's historically incorrect. Viking helmets didn't have horns.

0:30:180:30:22

Ah, but they didn't have two holes in them there and there, did they?

0:30:220:30:25

They did if they fell off a cliff onto a stag.

0:30:250:30:28

I never thought of that.

0:30:280:30:29

Or if somebody threw a spear,

0:30:290:30:31

it could've gone straight through the side and out the other side.

0:30:310:30:34

But that would hit the helmet, though, wouldn't it?

0:30:340:30:36

HE CHUCKLES

0:30:360:30:38

-You know, my favourite Norse God is Odin.

-Is it? Why is that?

0:30:380:30:41

Because he's got these ravens called Memory and...something else.

0:30:410:30:46

What did they do?

0:30:460:30:48

-They're ravens.

-That's a job, is it?

0:30:490:30:52

-They're really dangerous.

-Oh.

-I pray to him sometimes.

-You pray to Odin?

0:30:520:30:56

Yeah, he roams the world, testing people's hospitality.

0:30:560:30:59

Well, in the mortal world, we have a word for that -

0:30:590:31:02

scrounging.

0:31:020:31:04

Happy 75th birthday.

0:31:110:31:12

MUFFLED ARGUING

0:31:140:31:17

They're fine. And they don't live in different houses, by the way.

0:31:190:31:23

MUFFLED SHOUTS

0:31:250:31:27

I'll be running, er, well, all the important stuff.

0:31:380:31:41

Margaret, I've got you on the flowers, the food, the signage

0:31:410:31:44

and the cloakroom.

0:31:440:31:46

Er, and the taxis.

0:31:460:31:48

And the photographer.

0:31:480:31:50

Doug, need you to set up the marquee for the band... Hello?

0:31:500:31:54

..and set up the tables. Kenneth is on parking and coneage.

0:31:540:31:58

-I'm going to West Beach with Dad and the kids.

-I think not.

0:31:580:32:00

-214 guests we've got coming.

-214?

0:32:000:32:04

-215. Patsy Cameron's found a man on the internet.

-Ah-ah. Too late.

0:32:040:32:07

Although Jimmy Cazerotto's stuck in New Zealand on account of the ash.

0:32:070:32:10

-Dad can't handle the kids on his own.

-I am not senile.

0:32:100:32:12

No, but... Mickey, put the puppy back.

0:32:120:32:15

Dad, it is your birthday and people...

0:32:150:32:18

And this is how I'd like to spend my birthday.

0:32:180:32:20

-And we don't want to upset him, do we?

-We'll be back by seven.

0:32:200:32:23

-No... I mean, you need to be back before...

-So, that's agreed, then.

0:32:230:32:27

I'll take my mobile. Come on, kids.

0:32:270:32:29

-Yes!

-But Dad...

0:32:290:32:30

Gordie, are you sure you're up...for this?

0:32:320:32:35

It... Margaret says your medications make you feel...

0:32:350:32:38

Oh, I'm giving the medications a rest today.

0:32:380:32:40

Oh, well, is that a good...?

0:32:400:32:41

No need to worry, I've carried out a risk assessment.

0:32:410:32:44

No, I haven't. It's a joke.

0:32:450:32:47

Remember jokes?

0:32:490:32:51

CHILDREN SHOUT

0:32:540:32:56

Hey!

0:33:110:33:13

Are you not stopping to say hello, you miserable old bastard?

0:33:150:33:19

Jesus, Doreen, can you not mind your language? They're only weans.

0:33:190:33:22

-She's got animals!

-What's the matter with you?

0:33:220:33:26

I'm just saying, go easy on the swearing.

0:33:270:33:29

They're from London - everybody swears in London.

0:33:290:33:32

-Mum and Dad swear ALL the time.

-Well, maybe so...

0:33:320:33:35

-Mum used the C-word and the other ones.

-OK, but...

0:33:350:33:40

"Tell that to your poxy, effin' c-word of a solicitor,

0:33:400:33:44

"you effin' b-word."

0:33:440:33:46

She thought I was in the garden,

0:33:470:33:50

but I was in the toilet,

0:33:500:33:52

peeing very quietly by aiming for the side of the toilet,

0:33:520:33:55

but not the water.

0:33:550:33:56

Though I did miss a bit.

0:33:580:34:01

Right.

0:34:010:34:02

-She's got goats!

-I'm coming.

0:34:020:34:05

And pigs!

0:34:060:34:07

I wonder what's in here.

0:34:120:34:15

-Shall we have a look?

-ALL: Whoa!

0:34:160:34:17

-Look at the size of him.

-They're like massive chickens!

0:34:170:34:21

They look like meerkats.

0:34:210:34:23

Only with no arms.

0:34:230:34:24

I'm going to race one.

0:34:250:34:28

You've got an escapee charging about like a loony down by the burn.

0:34:280:34:32

That'll be Wiggins.

0:34:320:34:34

-How you feeling today?

-Oh, I'm fine.

0:34:350:34:38

It's one of my good days.

0:34:380:34:40

You are such a crap actor.

0:34:400:34:43

Come on!

0:34:430:34:44

Call yourself ostriches? I'm a lion. Come on, race me.

0:34:440:34:48

Raaargh!

0:34:480:34:50

So, this came out of an ostrich's bottom?

0:34:500:34:53

That's why they're so bad-tempered.

0:34:530:34:55

Could you get an ostrich egg and push it back up its bottom?

0:34:550:34:59

No, I don't think so, because you'd have to hold the ostrich still

0:34:590:35:03

and nobody is going to volunteer for that.

0:35:030:35:05

I reckon you could get it halfway up the crack

0:35:050:35:08

and you could push it up...

0:35:080:35:09

-If you caught it halfway, you think you could push it back up?

-Yes.

0:35:090:35:13

Well, next time one of them is going to lay, I'll get in touch with you.

0:35:130:35:15

One little push like... Like a volleyball.

0:35:150:35:18

Right.

0:35:190:35:21

Look, I know your mum and dad are going through a difficult time.

0:35:210:35:25

So, you know what's happening to them?

0:35:250:35:27

Yeah, I put two and two together.

0:35:270:35:29

So you know that they're getting divorced?

0:35:290:35:33

Well, no, I... I didn't know that.

0:35:330:35:35

Look, Lottie, people sometimes change, but they still love you -

0:35:370:35:42

both of them.

0:35:420:35:43

You'll see. They'll muddle through this eventually.

0:35:430:35:46

Dad had an affair.

0:35:460:35:48

-Right, er...

-With a Paralympic athlete lady with one foot.

0:35:480:35:52

I probably don't need to know all the details.

0:35:520:35:56

Do you look after all these ostriches on your own?

0:35:560:35:58

-No, Morag helps me.

-Who's Morag?

-She's my girlfriend.

0:35:580:36:01

-Oh, for goodness' sake.

-What?

-You could have said friend.

-Girlfriend?

0:36:010:36:06

-BOYS have girlfriends.

-See? Now we have to explain the whole thing.

0:36:060:36:09

Fine. I'll explain.

0:36:090:36:11

Do you know what a lesbian is?

0:36:130:36:15

-Is it someone from Lesbia?

-That's right!

0:36:150:36:18

I am from the magical kingdom of Lesbia.

0:36:180:36:21

You're just going to confuse them even more.

0:36:210:36:24

Margaret!

0:36:240:36:26

There's a wrong apostrophe on the toilet signage!

0:36:260:36:30

What the hell?

0:36:300:36:31

-Newcastle? That's...

-Newcastle is a vibrant, growing city

0:36:310:36:34

with...with...with a great... public transport hub.

0:36:340:36:37

Yeah, but it's hundreds of miles...

0:36:370:36:39

The Tyne is the best salmon river in Britain

0:36:390:36:41

-and otters have been seen in Gateshead.

-Abi, please, listen.

0:36:410:36:44

-There's lots of castles.

-Eh?

-Around Newcastle. Kids love castles.

0:36:440:36:47

There's Bamburgh Castle, Dunstanburgh, Alnwick, Holy Island.

0:36:470:36:51

Is this job with the Newcastle tourist board?

0:36:510:36:53

-I'm just saying, it... It...

-Abi, please.

0:36:530:36:56

Please, don't take them away.

0:36:560:36:58

Margaret needs this heather.

0:37:010:37:03

Margaret.

0:37:050:37:07

Margaret!

0:37:070:37:08

-Grandad, your mobile's turned off.

-Aye, that's the way I like it.

0:37:210:37:26

And the batteries are dead, just to make sure.

0:37:260:37:29

Oh, just look at that. Look at it.

0:37:290:37:33

HE FARTS

0:37:370:37:39

-Bless you.

-Lovely manners.

0:37:390:37:42

Can we drive for a bit?

0:37:420:37:44

-Don't be stupid, Mickey. Kids can't...

-Yes, you can drive.

0:37:440:37:47

Mickey, toot the horn.

0:37:470:37:49

Jess, you're the lookout.

0:37:490:37:51

-Stick your head out the window and shout, "Look out!"

-Look out!

0:37:510:37:54

-Lottie, you steer.

-ENGINE REVS

0:37:540:37:57

What? I can't... I can't...

0:37:570:37:59

When I press this pedal on the floor, that makes it go,

0:37:590:38:02

-then it's down to you.

-What?

0:38:020:38:04

Left a bit. Left a bit.

0:38:070:38:09

-But it's not allowed! I'm ten! I'm not insured!

-I don't care.

0:38:090:38:11

ENGINE REVS

0:38:110:38:12

THEY SHOUT

0:38:120:38:13

That's good. Left, that's lovely.

0:38:130:38:17

I don't think this...

0:38:170:38:19

You need to live more and think less.

0:38:190:38:21

More right, more right...

0:38:210:38:23

Oh!

0:38:230:38:24

-Lottie!

-Well done!

0:38:240:38:25

-I've been trying to hit that for years.

-What did it say?

0:38:250:38:28

It said "Do not let children drive."

0:38:280:38:30

# Oh, Mother, can I go out to swim?

0:38:300:38:33

# Yes, my darling daughter

0:38:330:38:35

# Watch the boys don't see your bum

0:38:350:38:37

# Keep it well under the water... #

0:38:370:38:39

KIDS JOIN IN # Mother, can I go out to swim?

0:38:390:38:42

# Yes, my darling daughter

0:38:420:38:44

# Watch the boys don't see your bum

0:38:440:38:46

# Keep it well under the water

0:38:460:38:48

# Watch the boys don't see your bum

0:38:480:38:50

# Keep it well under the water. #

0:38:500:38:52

Yay!

0:38:520:38:53

Woo-hoo!

0:38:530:38:55

We might see a killer whale.

0:38:550:38:57

CHILDREN SCREAM EXCITEDLY

0:38:570:38:59

Don't go on those rocks!

0:39:190:39:21

I found a pebble!

0:39:240:39:27

Is it nice being a lesbian?

0:39:410:39:43

What the hell are you asking me for?

0:39:440:39:46

I suppose it must be, otherwise they wouldn't be one, would they?

0:39:460:39:50

How do people know what they are?

0:39:510:39:54

They just kind of find out.

0:39:540:39:56

We all find out eventually what we are, then the world has to lump it.

0:39:560:40:02

-Can lesbians make babies?

-Er... Well, er...

0:40:020:40:06

Why don't you nip over there and get some wood for the fire

0:40:060:40:09

at the old Viking burial mound?

0:40:090:40:11

-There's a Viking burial mound?

-Yep, so they say.

0:40:110:40:14

That's where I found the brooch.

0:40:150:40:18

Are you OK, Grandad?

0:40:260:40:28

Aye, indigestion, princess.

0:40:280:40:30

-I've had it all my life. Don't chew enough.

-Grandad!

0:40:310:40:34

I've lost my pebble.

0:40:340:40:36

Right.

0:40:380:40:40

I'll race you!

0:40:440:40:46

Look at the jellyfish!

0:40:460:40:48

Is this official?

0:40:520:40:54

Is what official?

0:40:540:40:55

What it says on this rock.

0:40:550:40:58

"Keep off! F&G's beach."

0:40:580:41:01

Oh, God.

0:41:010:41:03

I carved that. Well, I helped.

0:41:030:41:06

Actually I didn't do all that much, I was only small.

0:41:060:41:09

-Frazer did most of it.

-Who's Frazer?

0:41:090:41:13

-He was my big brother, he died in the war.

-In Afghanistan?

0:41:130:41:16

No, he was fighting a very stupid man called Hitler

0:41:160:41:19

-who wanted to take everybody's land.

-Like Monopoly.

-Aye.

0:41:190:41:23

Just like Monopoly, except with more screaming.

0:41:230:41:28

Anyway, Frazer used to bring me here, taught me how to swim.

0:41:280:41:31

-How did he die?

-Well, someone made a terrible mistake.

0:41:310:41:34

-A pilot thought Frazer's platoon were Germans.

-Where's he buried?

0:41:340:41:38

-He isn't buried anywhere.

-I know about dying.

0:41:380:41:42

-Right.

-Cos of Bambi's mum and Babar's dad and Simba's dad

0:41:420:41:48

and Nigel.

0:41:480:41:50

Our next door neighbour.

0:41:500:41:52

-I don't think this IS my pebble.

-Oh, it definitely is.

0:41:520:41:55

I'd recognise it anywhere. Let's go, little beavers. More driftwood.

0:41:550:41:59

-Can we bury you, Grandad?

-Oh, no, that sand gets everywhere.

0:42:040:42:08

I definitely don't want to be buried, thank you.

0:42:080:42:10

-Not even when you die?

-Jess!

0:42:100:42:13

Well, that's what happens when someone dies, you bury them

0:42:130:42:16

and then everyone eats cake. That's right, isn't it, Grandad?

0:42:160:42:19

Absolutely, sweetheart.

0:42:190:42:21

And I've never seen the point of funerals myself.

0:42:210:42:24

Nice people all standing around in the kirk while the priest

0:42:240:42:27

tells a pack of lies about what a great man you were.

0:42:270:42:30

Nah, put me out with the recycling.

0:42:300:42:32

Purple bin, isn't it, for plastics and dead grandads?

0:42:320:42:35

HE LAUGHS

0:42:350:42:37

Come on, it's only a joke!

0:42:370:42:40

No, if I had to choose a kind of funeral,

0:42:400:42:43

just give me a good old Viking funeral like my ancestors.

0:42:430:42:46

Just stick me in a burning boat and float me out to sea.

0:42:460:42:49

No stupid family fights,

0:42:510:42:52

no stupid rows about who gets what or who does what.

0:42:520:42:56

Just a warrior's farewell.

0:42:570:42:59

Can we go out and catch some fish to cook it?

0:42:590:43:02

Yeah, get some crabs while you're there.

0:43:020:43:06

There are sandwiches in the pick-up, aren't there?

0:43:060:43:08

Yeah, but you can't hunt sandwiches, can you?

0:43:080:43:11

-The water won't be cold, will it, Grandad?

-Course not!

0:43:110:43:15

It's only the North Atlantic, why on Earth would it be cold?

0:43:150:43:18

THEY CHEER

0:43:180:43:20

THEY SCREAM It's freezing!

0:43:200:43:24

HE LAUGHS

0:43:240:43:26

You lied to us!

0:43:260:43:28

-Look, you've got to pat it down like this.

-I'm decorating it.

0:43:350:43:39

That's after.

0:43:390:43:41

Are you OK back there?

0:43:410:43:43

Aye, I'm grand apart from sand up my arse.

0:43:430:43:47

Oh, look. Look up there, it's the osprey.

0:43:470:43:51

-Aw, look at that.

-It's just a bird.

0:43:510:43:54

17 years she's been coming back, flown all the way from Africa.

0:43:540:43:59

You can't really lay an egg in Africa cos you'll get a fried egg.

0:43:590:44:04

-How far is Africa?

-About eight million miles away.

0:44:040:44:07

That's rubbish, isn't it, Grandad?

0:44:070:44:09

Hey, Grandad.

0:44:140:44:16

Perhaps he's asleep.

0:44:160:44:18

Grandad?

0:44:210:44:23

Grandad?

0:44:290:44:30

-Argh!

-SHE SCREAMS

0:44:300:44:32

-Grandad, that wasn't funny.

-Well, it was quite funny.

0:44:320:44:36

-No, it wasn't.

-It was funnier than monkeys!

0:44:360:44:40

Mum and Dad lie so much.

0:44:450:44:47

I just don't trust them any more.

0:44:470:44:49

They make me so angry.

0:44:500:44:51

Well, I used to feel like that about my lot too

0:44:520:44:55

until I suddenly realised there was no point in being angry with people

0:44:550:44:59

I loved for being what they are.

0:44:590:45:01

I mean so what if your dad's a complete and utter bloody shambles?

0:45:010:45:05

Or your Uncle Gavin's a bit of a tight-arse?

0:45:050:45:09

All that social climbing.

0:45:090:45:10

He can't help himself...

0:45:100:45:12

any more than his wife can help being scared of her own shadow.

0:45:120:45:17

Or your mum can help being a bit mouthy.

0:45:170:45:20

The truth is every human being on this planet

0:45:200:45:23

is ridiculous in their own way.

0:45:230:45:26

So we shouldn't judge and we shouldn't fight

0:45:260:45:29

because in the end...

0:45:290:45:31

In the end...

0:45:330:45:35

none of it matters, none of this stuff.

0:45:350:45:39

Lottie, this shell's got legs!

0:45:410:45:43

It's OK, it'll be a hermit crab.

0:45:430:45:45

Frazer...

0:46:180:46:20

What are you doing here?

0:46:200:46:22

Oh...

0:46:240:46:26

I get it.

0:46:260:46:28

You coming in for a swim, you big Mary?

0:46:280:46:31

Hey, Grandad, can we cook this crab

0:46:560:46:58

or will it be unfair on the beach?

0:46:580:47:00

Cos I can put it back if you want or...

0:47:000:47:03

Oh, Grandad, stop mucking around!

0:47:050:47:09

I'm not falling for that again.

0:47:090:47:11

Lottie, there's something not right with Grandad.

0:47:240:47:28

Oh, he's just doing that stupid joke again.

0:47:300:47:33

Come on, Grandad.

0:47:330:47:34

Grandad?

0:47:400:47:42

Grandad?

0:47:430:47:45

Grandad?

0:47:450:47:46

I think he might be dead.

0:47:480:47:50

He's not breathing.

0:48:000:48:03

I'm going to check his pulse.

0:48:040:48:05

They taught us this in Brownies.

0:48:070:48:09

Grandad's got no pulse and...

0:48:270:48:30

better get back to tell everyone he's died.

0:48:300:48:33

Such bad luck. Dying just before your birthday party.

0:48:330:48:38

Come on, the grown-ups will know what to do.

0:48:380:48:41

-They'll just argue.

-Eh?

0:48:410:48:43

They'll argue and fight, like Grandad said.

0:48:430:48:46

And he said he didn't want that.

0:48:470:48:49

If we leave him, he might get eaten by badgers and seals and puffins.

0:48:490:48:55

You go back, Lottie, we'll stay here and guard Grandad.

0:48:550:48:58

You sure you'll be OK with that?

0:48:580:49:01

Well, that's very brave and grown-up of you.

0:49:010:49:03

Do you think it'll be all right if I can have the Swiss roll?

0:49:030:49:06

-I think that'll be all right.

-We won't eat Grandad's.

0:49:060:49:09

Just in case.

0:49:090:49:10

I won't be long. Be sensible!

0:49:100:49:12

I read in a newspaper article that said

0:49:330:49:36

when people had stopped breathing, when people's hearts stopped,

0:49:360:49:40

they die and then when they die,

0:49:400:49:43

they felt themselves leave their bodies

0:49:430:49:45

and they find themselves hovering over their own bodies

0:49:450:49:49

and looking down on people.

0:49:490:49:52

You said it was going to be a small family gathering.

0:50:080:50:10

-It's more like bloody Glastonbury!

-Exaggerating...

0:50:100:50:12

Just parading Dad in front of Sir Donald and all that lot. "Meet my daddy..."

0:50:120:50:15

-Dad knows these people.

-You should just give him what he wants!

0:50:150:50:18

He's very ill! He doesn't know what he wants, OK?

0:50:180:50:20

We have to make decisions for him.

0:50:200:50:21

-Well...

-You wouldn't know about that, would you, right?

0:50:210:50:24

-Cos you're never here.

-Oh...

0:50:240:50:26

-This is going to be a reasonable sized gathering...

-Oh, right(!)

0:50:260:50:29

-..to celebrate Dad's life.

-And where have you booked for the funeral -

0:50:290:50:32

-Westminster Abbey? The O2 Arena?

-Shush! Yeah, Leon, I'm just...

0:50:320:50:35

Who's that? Oh, Leon!

0:50:350:50:37

GEORDIE ACCENT: "My kid's new dad. Oh! Hello, Leon."

0:50:370:50:40

You pathetic child!

0:50:400:50:41

-Mum...

-For your information, Leon is my new boss.

0:50:410:50:43

The man I'm screwing is called Wallace.

0:50:430:50:47

Wallace? Do the kids know?

0:50:470:50:50

-I'll tell them when it's time.

-Does he have a dog called Gromit?

0:50:500:50:52

Here come the stupid jokes...

0:50:520:50:54

LOTTIE BREATHES HEAVILY

0:51:040:51:06

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

0:51:080:51:10

DOOR SHUTS

0:51:250:51:27

-She ate Grandad's Swiss roll!

-I didn't mean to.

0:51:450:51:48

-It was an accident.

-It wasn't an accident.

-Does it matter?

0:51:480:51:51

-Where are the grown-ups?

-LOTTIE SIGHS

0:51:510:51:54

Fighting. Mickey was right.

0:51:540:51:56

They can't be trusted to do what Grandad wanted.

0:51:560:51:59

So we're going to do it.

0:51:590:52:00

-We're going to give him the funeral he wanted.

-The Viking one?

0:52:000:52:04

-Yeah.

-Cool.

-Where will we find a Viking boat?

0:52:040:52:07

There's one in York, but I'm not sure the museum will lend it to us

0:52:080:52:13

if we tell them we're going to burn it.

0:52:130:52:15

Right, now listen, we've all got to work together.

0:52:150:52:17

-This is our present to Grandad.

-Shotgun the matches.

0:52:170:52:21

SEAGULLS SQUAWK

0:52:220:52:23

Margaret!

0:52:250:52:27

MICKEY STRAINS

0:52:310:52:32

That's drop-off point B. Turn around.

0:52:350:52:37

So, it won't be a proper Viking longboat then?

0:52:410:52:45

-No, it will be a raft.

-But how are we going to move it?

0:52:450:52:47

-We'll put it in Grandad's car.

-But we can't drive.

0:52:470:52:51

Yes, we can.

0:52:510:52:52

Mickey, you push the pedal and I'll do the wheel.

0:52:560:52:59

ENGINE STARTS UP

0:52:590:53:01

I think we need to do something with this.

0:53:010:53:04

-Which one should I do? One, two, three, or R?

-One.

0:53:040:53:08

I think we should go with R, because we want the car to go...

0:53:080:53:12

Rrrr!

0:53:120:53:14

I'm going to do one.

0:53:140:53:15

Do you think we'll get into trouble for this?

0:53:150:53:18

I think the grown-ups might be annoyed at first,

0:53:180:53:20

but once we tell them this is what Grandad wanted...

0:53:200:53:22

GEARS CRUNCH Do the pedal again!

0:53:220:53:24

ENGINE REVS

0:53:260:53:28

This car sounds a bit annoyed.

0:53:290:53:32

-How's that?

-Do I go left or right?

0:53:320:53:35

Right.

0:53:350:53:36

No!

0:53:360:53:37

OK.

0:53:370:53:39

I'm not wearing a seat belt!

0:53:390:53:41

JESS LAUGHS

0:53:410:53:42

-A bit more. Turn a bit harder.

-Argh!

0:53:440:53:47

Is that better?

0:53:470:53:48

How are we going to get that in the back?

0:53:530:53:55

I've used every knot I know back there.

0:53:570:53:59

Grandad said the tide's coming in.

0:53:590:54:01

-So if we leave the car at the edge of the sea...

-Whoa! This is bumpy.

0:54:010:54:05

Jess, shout when it's at the edge.

0:54:080:54:09

Edge!

0:54:110:54:12

ENGINE GROWLS

0:54:120:54:15

Ugh!

0:54:150:54:16

-Oh, for God's sake.

-Yay, we did it!

0:54:160:54:18

-Do you think we should lock it?

-Yes.

0:54:180:54:21

We don't want it getting stolen.

0:54:210:54:22

To be a proper Viking funeral,

0:54:240:54:27

it's crucial that you need to take his favourite things to Heaven.

0:54:270:54:30

I thought of that.

0:54:300:54:31

Oh, his Scotland shirt. Brilliant.

0:54:350:54:38

GORDIE FARTS

0:54:380:54:39

-Grandad!

-He's alive.

0:54:420:54:44

Grandad. Wake up!

0:54:440:54:45

-Come on, Grandad.

-Grandad, wake up.

-Grandad, Grandad!

0:54:450:54:49

Grandad.

0:54:490:54:51

Come on.

0:54:520:54:54

He's cold.

0:54:580:55:00

I think people do farts after they're dead.

0:55:030:55:06

I saw it on this programme called The Real...

0:55:060:55:10

Silent Witness.

0:55:100:55:12

This woman said so.

0:55:120:55:13

Are you sure?

0:55:150:55:16

She was wearing a white coat and she said,

0:55:160:55:19

"Dead people are full of gas."

0:55:190:55:21

I'm scared.

0:55:240:55:25

It's OK.

0:55:270:55:29

It's only Grandad.

0:55:290:55:30

He sort of died in battle, cos he was fighting cancer,

0:55:330:55:37

so we'll give him a warrior's funeral.

0:55:370:55:40

THEY STRAIN

0:56:040:56:06

BIRDS TWITTER

0:56:100:56:11

I didn't think this would work.

0:56:140:56:16

Well, it worked at Stonehenge.

0:56:160:56:18

Druids moved huge rocks, not grandads. So, well done, my brain.

0:56:180:56:24

I so can't wait to go back to school,

0:56:260:56:28

when we get to write about what I did on our half term.

0:56:280:56:32

But I bet Shona has done something more interesting,

0:56:320:56:35

like she always has.

0:56:350:56:37

Goodbye.

0:56:590:57:00

You were nice.

0:57:020:57:03

Please accept my pebble.

0:57:070:57:09

We are gathered here

0:57:280:57:30

to remember Gordie McLeod.

0:57:300:57:32

I'm sorry you died, Grandad.

0:57:330:57:35

I liked having someone to talk to.

0:57:370:57:39

Have a good Valhalla.

0:57:430:57:45

Amen.

0:57:470:57:48

He'd be so proud of us.

0:58:200:58:22

We can do folk rock, we can do country,

0:58:530:58:55

we can do country folk rock,

0:58:550:58:57

indie folk rock...

0:58:570:58:59

Oh, my goodness! Where have you been?

0:58:590:59:03

-We need...

-I told Grandad seven o'clock. Oh, you're all mucky!

0:59:030:59:06

-Come on, bath time.

-But...

-Come on, you lot!

0:59:060:59:09

Did I mention bluegrass? We could do bluegrass,

0:59:090:59:11

but not quite so fast, since Billy had his stroke.

0:59:110:59:13

Chop chop, party's starting soon.

0:59:130:59:15

-I've laid your clothes out on the bed upstairs.

-Grandad died.

0:59:150:59:17

-What?

-Grandad died.

0:59:190:59:20

-Oh, crikey, guys. What time do you call this? We...

-Doug.

0:59:200:59:23

They're saying Gordie's died.

0:59:230:59:26

Alleluia.

0:59:260:59:27

At last, so what have you done with your grandad then, eh?

0:59:270:59:30

-Well...

-He died.

0:59:300:59:31

On the beach.

0:59:330:59:34

-OK, I'm on it.

-Oh, God, I knew I shouldn't have...

0:59:340:59:37

It is all right, love. Let's just find out...

0:59:370:59:39

Yes, ambulance quickly, please. Lottie, where exactly is Grandad now?

0:59:390:59:42

Out at sea.

0:59:420:59:43

Out at sea?

0:59:460:59:47

And on fire.

0:59:470:59:48

He wanted a Viking funeral.

0:59:500:59:53

So we built a raft, put the body on it,

0:59:530:59:55

set it on fire and floated him out to sea.

0:59:550:59:58

Can you hold on a sec?

0:59:581:00:00

Lottie, stop being silly. Just tell us, where is Grandad?

1:00:001:00:04

GAVIN SIGHS This is a wind-up.

1:00:041:00:07

He's put you up to this, hasn't he?

1:00:071:00:08

This is one of Grandad's stupid jokes, isn't it?

1:00:081:00:11

Well, he did do it as a joke, to pretend to die. But this time...

1:00:111:00:14

it's not a joke.

1:00:141:00:15

-TELEPHONE:

-"Hello?"

1:00:171:00:18

Yes, yes, we're just getting the details,

1:00:181:00:20

if you could just show us a little bit of patience.

1:00:201:00:23

I know that you're going to tell me exactly what happened.

1:00:231:00:26

-Well, I found lots of wood and I found lots of crabs...

-Right.

1:00:261:00:31

..I lost my rock, at the end of the day I found it...

1:00:311:00:34

But what happened to Grandad?

1:00:341:00:36

There was a lady with a girlfriend that lived with lots of pigs...

1:00:361:00:40

-After the lady...

-..She sweared a lot.

-..back to Grandad.

1:00:401:00:43

It is vital that you tell the truth.

1:00:431:00:45

We do tell the truth! GAVIN: Guys, could you keep it down.

1:00:451:00:47

Nothing to do with the fish, or the crab,

1:00:471:00:49

or your stones, sweetie - where is Grandad?

1:00:491:00:51

-If you listen, I'll tell you the story.

-I know, darling, but faster.

1:00:511:00:54

So, will you listen?

1:00:541:00:56

-Mm-hm.

-Grandpa farted...

-Oh...

1:00:561:00:59

Yes, yes, we do still need an ambulance. And the police.

1:00:591:01:03

And possibly the coastguard.

1:01:031:01:06

No, we don't need the fire brigade, and I don't appreciate your tone.

1:01:061:01:09

Well, he is on fire.

1:01:091:01:11

Quickly now.

1:01:111:01:13

-I found some fishes...

-Yeah, after...

1:01:131:01:15

-...Lottie knocked over some...signs.

-What happened next?

1:01:151:01:18

Yes, it is an emergency, we just don't know what sort of emergency.

1:01:181:01:22

-And then?

-I stopped the crows from eating Grandpa.

1:01:221:01:26

-OK.

-I'm perfectly aware that it is a criminal offence to make prank calls!

1:01:261:01:31

But...

1:01:311:01:32

She's hung up! 999 has hung up!

1:01:321:01:35

Do we still have to have a bath?

1:01:351:01:37

-Erm...no.

-Yay!

1:01:371:01:40

Car keys! Where the bloody hell are the car keys?!

1:01:401:01:44

We'll take ours.

1:01:441:01:46

MARGARET: Okey-dokey.

1:01:461:01:48

Now then, I have some very important cake-tasting needs done.

1:01:481:01:52

Do I have any volunteers to help me with that?

1:01:521:01:54

THUNDER RUMBLES

1:02:011:02:03

HE PANTS

1:02:091:02:12

You stupid...!

1:02:511:02:53

Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin!

1:02:531:02:55

Whoa, wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! All right!

1:02:551:02:57

-HE YELLS

-All right, all right, all right.

1:02:571:03:00

HE SOBS

1:03:001:03:02

BAND TUNES UP

1:03:101:03:14

Two, three, four.

1:03:151:03:17

BAND PLAYS UPBEAT FOLK TUNE

1:03:171:03:20

I don't believe this. This is a bloody nightmare.

1:03:311:03:35

Sir Donald. Glad you could make it.

1:03:351:03:37

A bloody total nightmare.

1:03:371:03:39

-Huey.

-Gavin, you all right?

1:03:391:03:41

Good to see you.

1:03:411:03:43

I'm bloody...

1:03:431:03:45

-Gavin, language. The children.

-Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

1:03:451:03:47

So they can't hear the word "bloody" but they can set fire to my father.

1:03:471:03:50

-We didn't hurt him. He was dead.

-Let's hope so, eh?

1:03:501:03:53

Oh, for Christ's sake!

1:03:531:03:55

Well, someone best break it to the ones who've arrived.

1:03:551:03:58

-We just did what Grandad wanted.

-He didn't want this.

1:03:581:04:01

He wanted to be cremated. And don't bloody say it, cos I'm looking for

1:04:011:04:04

-someone to punch and your children are too small.

-Enough!

1:04:041:04:06

THEY ARGUE

1:04:061:04:08

Odin.

1:04:141:04:15

Excuse me. Excuse me.

1:04:181:04:21

-Er...

-GLASS TINKLES

1:04:211:04:24

Thank you all for coming.

1:04:271:04:29

Gordie would be pleased to see so many of his friends

1:04:291:04:32

gathered together.

1:04:321:04:33

Except, sadly...

1:04:351:04:37

Gordie can't be pleased because...

1:04:371:04:40

..he passed away. Today.

1:04:421:04:45

MURMURING

1:04:451:04:47

We think.

1:04:471:04:49

W-w-w-we're fairly certain...he has.

1:04:491:04:54

Anyway, I know you won't feel like dancing, but...

1:04:571:05:01

do please have a drink and make yourselves at home.

1:05:011:05:04

Jimmy Cazerotto?

1:05:041:05:07

Margaret!

1:05:071:05:08

We thought you were stuck in New Zealand...

1:05:081:05:10

So where is the old bastard? Eh?

1:05:101:05:12

Jimmy, I'm Abi.

1:05:141:05:16

What?!

1:05:161:05:18

BAND PLAYS FOLK TUNE

1:05:241:05:27

Where's Kenneth? He's supposed to be...

1:05:441:05:47

Aha!

1:05:471:05:48

You took your time, Murdo.

1:05:481:05:50

It's Andy Mackay's stag night. A dwarf got thrown through a window.

1:05:501:05:54

-This is Agnes Chisolm.

-From the Child Welfare Unit.

1:05:541:05:58

I'll require a room for interviews.

1:05:581:06:00

I found this child outside. Unaccompanied.

1:06:001:06:04

Yeah. That's my son.

1:06:041:06:06

Thank you.

1:06:081:06:09

Why have they called the police? We've done nothing wrong.

1:06:091:06:12

Please do exactly as I ask.

1:06:121:06:14

There is a procedure for this kind of situation.

1:06:141:06:17

-There is?

-Oh, yes.

1:06:171:06:20

So he's at peace.

1:06:201:06:22

At...at peace.

1:06:221:06:24

Can I see him one last time?

1:06:241:06:26

I've come all the way from New Zealand, you know.

1:06:281:06:32

I'm afraid that's not possible, Jimmy.

1:06:321:06:35

It's not - not - possible...

1:06:351:06:38

Sir Donald.

1:06:431:06:45

Very sorry about this, Sir Donald.

1:06:451:06:47

He was fine this morning.

1:06:491:06:51

And...we think - we think...

1:06:511:06:54

that's what happened.

1:06:541:06:56

-But obviously that's...

-That's what?

1:06:561:07:00

-WHISPERING:

-Con-fi-den-tial.

1:07:021:07:05

-SHOUTS:

-That the kids burnt his body and floated him out to sea?

1:07:051:07:10

SILENCE DESCENDS

1:07:101:07:12

Er...yes, well. The kids, erm...

1:07:191:07:23

They're from London.

1:07:231:07:25

So, thank you for that, Jess, and if it's OK with you

1:07:271:07:30

I'll just keep this lovely drawing I asked you to do of the three of you

1:07:301:07:34

setting fire to your grandpa.

1:07:341:07:37

-Do you want to put it on your fridge?

-No. That's not...

1:07:371:07:40

There wasn't exactly a unicorn on the beach but I just got bored.

1:07:401:07:46

Perhaps we could hang on to the picture.

1:07:461:07:48

It'll be returned to you when the investigation's completed.

1:07:481:07:52

-Can I go now? Cos I was halfway through a Cheese String.

-OK.

1:07:521:07:56

So, she holds her breath quite often, does she?

1:08:001:08:05

WIND HOWLS

1:08:081:08:11

So, Mickey,

1:08:221:08:24

the idea for the "special funeral"

1:08:241:08:28

who did that come from?

1:08:281:08:30

Odin.

1:08:301:08:31

-Odin.

-He walks the Earth with one eye...

-Mickey...

1:08:331:08:36

..a big hat and an eight-legged horse.

1:08:361:08:38

Disguised as a traveller to see if people's nice to him.

1:08:381:08:41

-And he's here now.

-So...

1:08:411:08:43

Odin,

1:08:431:08:45

the Norse god,

1:08:451:08:46

is currently here...

1:08:461:08:47

MUFFLED: ..with an eight-legged horse?

1:08:471:08:50

BAND PLAYS

1:08:561:08:59

Ach, sod it, lads. Let's call it a day.

1:08:591:09:02

Kenneth! Kenneth!

1:09:121:09:14

Where the hell is he?

1:09:141:09:16

Is this an effective use of police resources?

1:09:191:09:22

Shouldn't you be out looking for evidence of my father?

1:09:221:09:25

-We havenae got a submarine.

-Oh!

1:09:251:09:27

HE CHUCKLES

1:09:271:09:29

Jokes, is it now?

1:09:291:09:31

Make it bigger!

1:09:311:09:33

-Bigger!

-Don't stress, I'm trying!

1:09:331:09:36

-This isn't cats.

-It's something Kenneth's been watching.

1:09:361:09:39

Don't just press buttons at random.

1:09:391:09:41

MURMURING

1:09:471:09:50

-MAN:

-Is that the YouTube thing?

1:09:501:09:53

See, I've thought of a joke. A very funny joke. Yeah.

1:09:531:09:56

I make an official complaint... to your Chief Superintendent,

1:09:581:10:02

who happens to be a friend of mine.

1:10:021:10:04

Who happens to be in my house right now as a guest! So...

1:10:041:10:09

So, Lottie, when your grandad passed away...

1:10:131:10:17

Ten to four.

1:10:191:10:20

Approximately.

1:10:201:10:23

That's a pretty wee notebook.

1:10:231:10:25

What sort of things do you put in that?

1:10:251:10:28

Thoughts. Facts. Information.

1:10:281:10:32

-Lies that I get told.

-Could I possibly have a look at that?

1:10:321:10:36

-Do you think I could hang on to this for a bit?

-Is that really necessary?

1:10:411:10:44

What would - why would...? Why would you need to hang on to it?

1:10:441:10:48

You're not thinking of removing us anywhere, are you?

1:10:481:10:51

Don't be silly, darling, this lady's not here to do that. Are you?

1:10:511:10:55

At this stage, I'm just making an assessment.

1:10:551:10:58

MURMURING

1:11:041:11:07

PEOPLE GASP AND GIGGLE

1:11:111:11:14

-I take it you hadn't seen this, Mr McLeod?

-No charges were brought.

1:11:141:11:18

No, the staff at the minimart were very good about it.

1:11:181:11:21

Everyone, you know, understood that your wife was...you know,

1:11:211:11:26

adversely affected by her medication.

1:11:261:11:29

Medication?

1:11:301:11:32

Yeah. You know, the antidepressants.

1:11:321:11:35

For the depression.

1:11:351:11:37

It's not your night, is it?

1:11:401:11:42

Who fancies a dram?

1:11:451:11:48

I'm taking orders.

1:11:481:11:50

I've got Glengoyne or Glenmorangie.

1:11:501:11:53

-It's finished. I'll play it again.

-Oh, for Christ's sake! Kids!

1:11:561:12:00

Everything all right?

1:12:071:12:09

Please don't go anywhere without notifying me, will you?

1:12:091:12:13

Has something happened?

1:12:241:12:26

CUTLERY SCRAPES

1:12:451:12:48

Why is the knives and forks so loud?

1:12:481:12:51

Oh!

1:12:521:12:54

-Have you ever read Lottie's notebook?

-No. Have you?

-No.

1:12:541:13:00

Well, not much.

1:13:001:13:02

She writes down everything.

1:13:021:13:04

Hey. Sleep OK, sweetheart?

1:13:041:13:06

And now Intervention Woman's got it.

1:13:091:13:12

-"Intervention Woman"?

-Yeah, that's the word she keeps using.

1:13:121:13:15

-I think maybe we should get a lawyer.

-Another lawyer?

1:13:171:13:20

Yeah, well, they've been great at calming things down(!)

1:13:201:13:22

The important thing is not to antagonise her.

1:13:221:13:25

-We just need to be...

-Good morning.

1:13:251:13:27

-Morning.

-Morning.

1:13:271:13:29

Jesus! No! No!

1:13:291:13:31

CLAMOURING

1:13:311:13:32

God's sake, Kenneth!

1:13:321:13:34

CLAMOURING

1:13:341:13:38

How did they find us so fast?!

1:13:381:13:40

It'll be that bloody Donny Mackay.

1:13:401:13:42

CLAMOURING

1:13:421:13:44

He'll do anything to fill his bloody guest house.

1:13:441:13:46

CLAMOURING

1:13:461:13:48

Oh, leave it. What's the point?

1:13:481:13:49

No-one gets to keep any secrets any more.

1:13:491:13:52

You can say that again.

1:13:521:13:53

No-one gets to keep any secrets any more.

1:13:531:13:57

DOORBELL RINGS Bloody vultures!

1:13:571:14:00

Why can't Scotland have a law of trespass like a real country?

1:14:001:14:03

Oh, no. It's Little Miss Sunshine.

1:14:031:14:06

-Right.

-Oh, Christ, just be...

-Be what?

-Just be...

1:14:061:14:10

you know...

1:14:101:14:11

-I came through the back lane to evade all the media.

-Oh, well, thank you.

1:14:161:14:20

-May I come in?

-Of course.

-Why?

1:14:221:14:25

-I'm sorry?

-Why do you want to come in?

-Abi...

1:14:251:14:28

-I need more information.

-What sort of information?

1:14:281:14:30

-Information to help assess which of the range of outcomes...

-Outcomes?

1:14:301:14:35

-What outcomes?

-Outcomes, Abi.

1:14:351:14:38

-A range of outcomes from intervention to...

-There, she said it.

1:14:381:14:41

I could involve the police in this conversation.

1:14:411:14:44

You can come in when I get an assurance that there is

1:14:441:14:46

-no possibility of you taking away my kids.

-Abi...

1:14:461:14:49

-As I was in the process of saying...

-I'll take that as a no, then.

-Abi!

1:14:491:14:54

Jesus. Look at this.

1:14:541:14:57

Look at it! Look!

1:14:571:14:59

-Front page of the Daily Mail as well.

-Yeah, OK, thank you, Kenneth.

1:14:591:15:03

-And the Express.

-Yeah, Kenneth, that's enough.

1:15:031:15:05

-"Feral Children Sacrifice..."

-Kenneth, we can do without the bloody

1:15:051:15:08

-rolling bulletin! Thank you!

-We need to deal with this.

1:15:081:15:11

-It's not helpful.

-I'm just trying to be helpful and informative.

1:15:111:15:14

FLY BUZZES Kenneth! Kenneth!

1:15:141:15:16

Look, Gavin,

1:15:221:15:24

about the supermarket episode...

1:15:241:15:26

There's nothing...helpful to be said about that.

1:15:261:15:29

-Ah. I was wondering...

-I'd like my notebook back, please.

-I'm sorry,

1:15:331:15:37

Lottie. I'm only permitted to talk to you in an interview situation.

1:15:371:15:41

Actually, could I just nip in and use your phone for a moment?

1:15:411:15:45

HE SPEAKS JAPANESE

1:15:491:15:51

SHE SPEAKS FRENCH

1:15:511:15:52

..but the Prime Minister has tweeted that the incident is

1:15:521:15:55

the symptom of a broken society...

1:15:551:15:58

HE SIGHS

1:15:581:15:59

Don't worry, Dad. I told you, Odin will sort all of this out.

1:15:591:16:03

You didn't see Odin.

1:16:031:16:05

Miss Pringle said she saw Jesus, and if she can see Jesus I can see Odin.

1:16:051:16:09

For Christ's sake, you didn't see Odin! There is no Odin.

1:16:091:16:12

This is the real world.

1:16:121:16:14

-We're on television!

-HE GROANS

1:16:141:16:18

'..the media are gathering. The three children from this family,

1:16:181:16:21

-'who cannot be named for legal reasons...'

-Oh!

1:16:211:16:24

'..inside the house. The police...'

1:16:241:16:27

'..we can only confirm that the body of a man in his mid 70s was...

1:16:271:16:32

'..destroyed and floated out to sea, possibly with some valuable...'

1:16:331:16:38

TV OFF PHONE RINGS

1:16:381:16:40

Hi, there.

1:16:401:16:41

I forgot to put the brooch in my drawing.

1:16:411:16:43

KENNETH: Yes, it was.

1:16:431:16:44

-Brooch?

-Grandad's Viking brooch. We put it on the raft.

1:16:441:16:48

All Vikings went to Valhalla with their treasure.

1:16:481:16:51

-You morons!

-Well, that's just rude!

1:16:511:16:55

-You stupid... stupid little...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's enough.

1:16:551:16:58

They've destroyed a family heirloom.

1:16:581:17:01

-Dad found it.

-It's worth £15,000.

1:17:011:17:03

-15,000?

-Had it valued.

1:17:031:17:05

-Oh, I get it.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Thinking ahead, were we?

1:17:051:17:09

-Doug...

-Thought we'd keep that evaluation secret, eh?

1:17:091:17:12

Just keep it nice and quiet.

1:17:121:17:13

Till after we divided up Dad's things, maybe?

1:17:131:17:15

-I was going to announce it. As a surprise for his birthday.

-Please!

1:17:151:17:18

I'm glad he's not here to listen to this.

1:17:181:17:20

He probably would be here if it wasn't for your mental kids.

1:17:201:17:23

-It is not the kids' fault.

-That's right!

-It's his.

-What?

1:17:231:17:26

Lottie came back, she tried to get us to listen and you were too busy

1:17:261:17:28

having another bloody argument with your stupid brother!

1:17:281:17:31

-I really don't think this is getting us anywhere.

-Just go...

1:17:311:17:34

-chuck a pumpkin!

-Hey, that's enough.

-Well, it's not enough, is it?!

1:17:341:17:37

-Enough is enough!

-You slimy...

1:17:371:17:39

Stop! Stop it now!

1:17:391:17:41

This is exactly what Grandad said would happen.

1:17:411:17:44

He wanted a Viking funeral

1:17:441:17:46

so it would give you all less to fight about.

1:17:461:17:48

He said no-one should fight because, at the end of the day,

1:17:481:17:52

it doesn't matter if Uncle Gavin's a tight-arse and Dad's a shambles

1:17:521:17:58

and Mum's a bit mouthy and Auntie Margaret's...

1:17:581:18:01

..something or other.

1:18:031:18:05

He said you mustn't mind about that in the people you love.

1:18:051:18:08

Because... Because we're all...

1:18:081:18:11

ridiculous. And none of this matters.

1:18:111:18:14

Erm...

1:18:141:18:16

Well, I'm sorry, Gavin. Shouldn't have said all that stuff.

1:18:161:18:18

No, no. It was me.

1:18:181:18:20

-I was being a...

-Listen, kids, I'm really sorry but some...

1:18:221:18:26

Sometimes when adults get a little bit upset they just become a...

1:18:271:18:32

Where's Mickey?

1:18:321:18:34

He's on there!

1:18:341:18:36

-'I'm fed up of being stuck inside. I've come out to explain.'

-Jesus!

1:18:361:18:39

No comment! Tell them no comment!

1:18:391:18:42

..cos this is the real world.

1:18:421:18:43

-Well, Grandad stopped breathing and then...

-Mickey!

1:18:431:18:46

CLAMOURING

1:18:461:18:48

Thank you. You best go back inside, mate, OK?

1:18:481:18:50

I was just trying to explain everything.

1:18:501:18:51

-Yeah, I know, but...

-As it's all our fault,

1:18:511:18:54

I thought it might stop the shouting.

1:18:541:18:57

No, it's not all your fault. Nothing is your fault.

1:18:581:19:01

You head inside, go on.

1:19:031:19:06

CLAMOURING

1:19:061:19:08

'We have no comment to make at this stage.'

1:19:081:19:10

-Yep. Straight back.

-You were on TV.

1:19:101:19:12

I'm sorry, we have no comment to make at this juncture.

1:19:121:19:15

REPORTERS CLAMOUR

1:19:151:19:17

Except to say...

1:19:171:19:19

you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

1:19:191:19:21

-What's he doing?

-'You're a disgrace to your profession.'

1:19:211:19:23

Don't provoke them.

1:19:231:19:25

You people have guidelines, don't you? My son is six years old!

1:19:251:19:27

-Then why is he wandering about alone?

-He was...

1:19:271:19:30

We have no further comment.

1:19:301:19:32

Why were young children left in the care of an elderly, sick man?

1:19:321:19:35

FEMALE REPORTER: Mr McLeod, over here.

1:19:351:19:37

'Well, we did...we did deliberate over that.'

1:19:371:19:41

Walk away, man!

1:19:411:19:42

CLAMOURING

1:19:421:19:44

Is your divorce affecting your children?

1:19:441:19:46

No...

1:19:461:19:48

Your divorce caused by your affair.

1:19:481:19:50

Is it true social services are involved?

1:19:501:19:52

Do you take responsibility for the actions of your children?

1:19:521:19:55

Do you feel you've failed as a father, Mr McLeod?

1:19:551:19:58

Sorry, what?

1:20:001:20:02

Do you feel you've failed as a father?

1:20:021:20:04

Well, I'm not sure that...

1:20:041:20:05

I mean...

1:20:071:20:09

it's true that I've certainly made...

1:20:091:20:12

My husband is a good and loving father.

1:20:121:20:15

We have no further comments.

1:20:151:20:17

Would you describe your marriage as dysfunctional?

1:20:171:20:19

Oh, the magic word, "dysfunctional."

1:20:191:20:22

Yeah.

1:20:221:20:23

Yeah, fine. Fine, we're dysfunctional.

1:20:231:20:25

She's doing it now.

1:20:251:20:26

If you mean that by dysfunctional that we're two average people

1:20:261:20:29

who've made a few mistakes

1:20:291:20:31

'and are trying very hard to muddle through

1:20:311:20:33

'while trying our utmost to protect and nurture'

1:20:331:20:36

our three fantastic children -

1:20:361:20:39

-'Jess, Mickey and Lottie.'

-Yes, name check.

1:20:391:20:42

Yay!

1:20:421:20:44

Yes, we are dysfunctional. Thank you.

1:20:441:20:46

JOURNALISTS CLAMOUR

1:20:461:20:48

Bravo, Abi.

1:20:501:20:52

Well done, Abi. Certainly put them in their place.

1:20:521:20:55

Has something else happened?

1:21:071:21:09

I've learnt my lesson.

1:21:211:21:22

Next time I'm with someone who's died on the beach,

1:21:221:21:25

I'll tell an adult and I won't set fire to them.

1:21:251:21:29

-Very sensible.

-Cheers.

1:21:291:21:31

-It's nice that Mickey...

-I've said no to the Newcastle job.

1:21:341:21:37

Did you?

1:21:391:21:41

Yeah.

1:21:411:21:43

Thanks.

1:21:431:21:44

Well, I've decided I don't need a solicitor.

1:21:481:21:51

I know, my solicitor told me.

1:21:511:21:53

-Already?

-Yep.

1:21:531:21:55

She said it gave me a huge advantage.

1:21:551:21:57

She used the phrase, "easy meat."

1:21:571:22:00

I'm going to get rid of her.

1:22:011:22:02

Let's do this humanely.

1:22:041:22:06

Hmm.

1:22:081:22:09

OK, everybody.

1:22:091:22:11

Everyone, if you could just gather round.

1:22:111:22:13

Sorry the midges are out in their hordes.

1:22:151:22:17

This is...

1:22:171:22:19

Over here, guys.

1:22:191:22:21

Lottie, I'm not sure there's any actual real evidence

1:22:211:22:24

that Vikings actually buried their dead

1:22:241:22:27

by burning them and floating them out to sea.

1:22:271:22:31

Mickey...

1:22:311:22:33

never, ever say that out loud again.

1:22:331:22:36

GAVIN: Over here. Thanks.

1:22:391:22:40

My brother Doug is going to say a few words.

1:22:421:22:44

(Thank you.)

1:22:541:22:55

Thanks for coming.

1:22:561:22:58

Well done for shaking off the reporters.

1:22:581:23:00

CHUCKLING

1:23:001:23:02

The press have portrayed my father's death as a disgrace.

1:23:021:23:06

But what better way to die could he have had...

1:23:071:23:09

..than on his favourite beach...

1:23:131:23:15

-VOICE BREAKING:

-..watching the grandchildren that he loved play...

1:23:201:23:23

..play...?

1:23:251:23:27

DOUG SIGHS

1:23:281:23:29

I don't know what Dad would have made of all this.

1:23:311:23:34

Actually, I do.

1:23:361:23:37

He'd have laughed himself stupid.

1:23:371:23:39

He'd have laughed at everyone turning up for his party except for him.

1:23:411:23:45

He'd have laughed at the authorities

1:23:451:23:47

trying to find the relevant form to fill in.

1:23:471:23:49

CHUCKLING

1:23:491:23:50

He'd certainly have laughed at Margaret's starring role on YouTube.

1:23:501:23:54

4,458,207 hits at last count.

1:23:551:23:59

Three of them mine.

1:24:011:24:03

CHUCKLING

1:24:031:24:04

And me. He'd have laughed at me. A lot.

1:24:061:24:09

And my main regret, apart from not having a bit more time with Dad,

1:24:091:24:13

is that he couldn't see us all running round like idiots.

1:24:131:24:17

I'm sure many of you believe that he can see us,

1:24:191:24:22

but for my part I think death is it.

1:24:221:24:26

I think... I think life...

1:24:261:24:28

This life's all you get, and Gordie McLeod had a hell of a life.

1:24:301:24:34

And so should we.

1:24:351:24:37

Cos that's all death's good for -

1:24:371:24:39

it's to give us a kick up the arse and say,

1:24:391:24:41

"Get on with it, and love those around you."

1:24:411:24:44

And now, my wonderful son Kenneth is going to play something.

1:24:461:24:51

HE PLAYS CLASSICAL PIECE

1:24:551:24:57

No, play something he'd like.

1:24:571:24:59

Go mental.

1:25:011:25:02

HE PLAYS UPBEAT FOLK TUNE

1:25:041:25:06

CHEERING

1:25:571:25:58

He lives in that and then he walks around in it.

1:26:001:26:02

That keeps his back end all safe.

1:26:021:26:04

THEY LAUGH

1:26:041:26:05

-So he doesn't show his bottom.

-Exactly. He doesn't show his bottom.

1:26:051:26:08

He keeps it in a shell.

1:26:081:26:09

Can we do that with a large shell?

1:26:091:26:11

Listen, kids. We...

1:26:111:26:14

Dad and me, we just wanted to...to say something.

1:26:141:26:18

We know that we've not behaved very well recently, and...

1:26:181:26:22

-Well, we just wanted to say sorry.

-That's right.

1:26:231:26:26

While we'll still be living apart in different houses, we...

1:26:291:26:34

From now on, we're going to behave like grown-ups.

1:26:351:26:38

Oh!

1:26:401:26:42

-Argh!

-THEY LAUGH

1:26:421:26:44

Inappropriate behaviour!

1:26:441:26:46

Lottie, write that down in your book.

1:26:461:26:48

I've chucked the book away.

1:26:481:26:50

I don't think I'll need it any more.

1:26:521:26:54

SHRIEKS

1:26:581:27:00

Get him. Go get Dad.

1:27:151:27:18

Come on, then!

1:27:181:27:19

MUSIC: You In The Sky by The Waterboys

1:27:201:27:22

# Thou alone which art

1:27:251:27:27

# You in the sky

1:27:311:27:33

# I wanna know why clouds

1:27:361:27:40

# Come in between

1:27:401:27:43

# You and I

1:27:431:27:45

# Thou alone which art

1:27:481:27:52

# You in the sky

1:27:551:27:57

# I wanna know why clouds come in between

1:28:001:28:06

# You and I

1:28:061:28:08

# Thou art beautiful

1:28:121:28:15

# And I am gifted

1:28:191:28:21

# When in thy precious presence

1:28:251:28:29

# I am lifted

1:28:291:28:33

# Let me know you

1:28:481:28:50

# Coming to me

1:28:551:28:57

# Open up my heart

1:29:001:29:03

# And sing your song right through me

1:29:031:29:07

# Let me know you... #

1:29:121:29:14