Baudelaire Rolled up with a Few Other Cats Keith Richards' Lost Weekend

This programme contains some strong language.

The job turns you into a nomad. I mean,

not that I was ever against it, I loved to see the world. It was...

Hey, you know, write a couple of songs

and suddenly they're flying me, you know,

to places all around the world,

I'm getting to see the world and it's always, you know...

It broadened my horizons and things like that.

And they're paying me!

And I'm...

Yeah, this is the job for me, mate.

In that way, I mean, totally blessed.

I never thought, you know, as a kid, I'd ever get out of England,

you know, let alone travel the world

probably more times than most people have.

And actually arrive there and everybody going, "Yeah! Welcome."

It's...

It's a unique life, man.

I was living in Morocco, eight, nine months in Marrakech.

Hit Tangier here and there.

But, basically, in Marrakech, this tribe, they're called the Ghanoui,

otherwise known as the Blue People,

they come into Marrakech on their camels.

These guys are magnificent, man.

They've got the turbans and they're on their camels

and they move into town and basically take it over.

And they all had burnt coal black eyeliners,

you know, as actually a protection from the sun.

And I'm there for nine months, so I took up the habit.

MUSIC: Amassakoul 'N' Tenere by Tinariwen

These guys are magnificent drummers.

And they would sort of take the Jemaa el-Fnaa,

the central square in Marrakech.

And it would be their month, you know?

They came in out of the desert,

they did whatever they had to do in the bazaar and kasbah.

CAMEL GROANS

And then they'd go back to the desert.

They fascinate me, tribal things, you know,

and I got to know a few of them.

If I'd have had the time I'd have joined the Ghanouis and gone back

to the desert with them, you know what I mean?

What I loved about it was cos they didn't know who the fuck I was.

That was the beauty, you know?

They had a very strong tribal connection to each other, you know?

And brotherhood is very important to me,

and friendship and comradeship.

They had this great sense of that

and they sort of took me in as a brother,

much as the Rastafarians did in Jamaica a few years later.

I sort of gravitate to sort of tribes.

MUSIC: Come Down Wicked Man by Wingless Angels

Rhythm and pulse, I mean, they're very important to people.

They don't even know and they don't have to, really.

But, I mean, this thing goes about 72 a minute,

all right, all of you.

You know what I mean?

Boom, boom, boom. There.

And you'd better rely on it,

but that is a rhythm within you.

If you get into music and you're a part of music, you want to

play around with your heartbeat,

you want to just jump it here and there,

you know, without having an attack.

But there's a rhythm within us,

we all live with it, but very few of us

actually think about it because you're not supposed to.

It's like the next breath you take.

You know, you ain't going to think about it.

Either you get it or you don't.

And I think probably musicians are more sort of attuned or aware

of this little drumbeat going on within you.

Even before you can remember, this thing's been pumping away,

boom, boom, boom.

And maybe through music you want to express some recognition,

you know, of incredible machine that's within us all, you know?

MUSIC: It Hurts Me Too by Elmore James

# You said you was hurtin'

# You almost lost your mind

# Now the man you love

# He hurt you all the time

# But when things go wrong

# Oh wrong with you

# It hurts me too

# You'll love him more

# When you should love him less

# Why lick up behind him

# And take his mess?

# But when things go wrong

# Whoa, wrong with you

# It hurts me too

# He love another woman

# Yes, I love you

# But you love him

# And stick to him like glue

# When things go wrong

# Oh, wrong with you

# It hurts me too

# Now he'd better leave you

# Or you better put him down

# No, I won't stand

# To see you pushed around

# But when things go wrong

# Oh, wrong with you

# It hurts me too. #

Are you conscious of playing with silence as well as noise?

Oh, silence, I mean, one of my favourites.

Silence is your canvas.

Most great painters never fill in the whole damn thing,

you know what I mean?

To a musician, silence is your best friend.

It's when to put the noise in and when to leave it out.

If you think about the dynamics of music, you don't need

to fill the whole damn area.

It's... And some of the most interesting bits of music -

ask Mozart - is what you don't do.

I mean, it's an old cliche now,

it's what you don't play is probably

the most important part, but in music that's kind of true.

Because silence is the extra, your friend. It's...

It's the sound that isn't,

but because it isn't, it's a sound, you know?

And after that I can't explain it any more.

MUSIC: JS Bach's Sarabande by Andres Segovia

You see what I mean? KEITH LAUGHS

BBC Television presents - Tony Hancock in...

Hancock's half-hour.

APPLAUSE

Ah, this is the life, boy.

Nine o'clock on a Saturday morning and all's well.

Ah.

Even the air smells different on Saturdays. I love Saturday.

The best day of the week, eh?

No work, the weekend to look forward to

and Saturday night coming up.

The big night.

The one bright spot in a week of unrelieved gloom.

The one part of life's tragic panorama

that I can really put up with.

A pound in your pocket, a pint in your hand

and a bird on your arm and the world is yours.

Sid, if it wasn't for Saturday nights, I think I go bonkers.

Yeah, it's marvellous, ain't it?

I can't wait to get into my pointed Italian two-tones

and off down the high street.

Makes you feel like a king.

Clean dickie dirt, new peckham,

pair of luminous almond rocks, new whistle,

nice crease in me strides, barnet well-greased up

and flashing me hampsteads at all the bona palones.

I didn't understand a single word you said but it sounds marvellous.

Done up to the nines, wallowing in the myriad of sensual delights

that Cheam high street has to offer a single gentleman of a Saturday night.

The Las Vegas of south-east England.

You can't whack it.

What's my girl like, Sid? Oh, blimey, I've told you.

Well, go on, tell me again. You know I like to hear it. Go on.

Well, she's about five foot three or four,

beautiful auburn hair cascading down to her alabaster shoulders.

A face like a Greek goddess.

Her eyes two limpid pools

lingering, smouldering,

challenging.

Her lips the deepest red,

soft, moist, clinging.

And her figure.

Oh, that figure.

When she walks, it's like a young gazelle moving across the grasslands.

And her voice, it's like a spring breeze,

murmuring, whispering.

And her skin.

It's like the texture of a peach,

smoother than the softest velvet.

What's her name?

Gladys.

You would have to go and ruin it, wouldn't you? Never mind, boys.

We'll be the toast of the coffee bars tonight. Toast.

Oi! Where's the breakfast, then?

There you are.

What is this mess supposed to represent?

That's oeufs scramblaid.

What sort of meal is that to put in front of

a couple of international playboys the likes of us?

Take it or leave it. That's all there is. But it's Saturday.

It's a special day. Can't you do something special for breakfast?

That is special. You wait till you see what you're getting on Monday.

All right. Push off. We'll ring if we want to.

Oeufs scramblaid.

Not my idea of the grand life.

I bet Noel Coward doesn't sit down to rubbish like this on Saturdays.

He'll be out on his balcony overlooking the Caribbean

with his silk dressing gown on, idly sipping iced tomato juice

through his long cigarette holder.

# Someday I'll find you... #

And what have I got? Oeufs scramblaid and Mrs Crevatte.

There's no justice in the world.

I wouldn't worry about it, mate. We've still got tonight.

And when you're sitting in the pictures

on a Saturday night in the dark you can be who you like. That's true.

Isn't it funny how you always imagine you're the bloke

you're seeing in the film? Yeah. You remember Monday?

You come out convinced you were Robert Mitchum.

You had your eyes half closed,

you nearly got run over, remember?

Then on Tuesday you saw Gone With The Wind,

so you opened your eyes,

stuck your ears out and started to talk like Clark Gable.

Oh, yes. But fair do's, I mean, I do look a bit like Clark.

No, no. If you imagine the moustache and the ears sticking out. See, see?

Nothing like him. Well, it's near enough.

Who's on this week, then?

Charlie Laughton. Charlie Laughton. Do you know him personally, then?

Charles Laughton to you. Charles Laughton.

I've got him off.

AS CHARLES LAUGHTON: Mr Christian, you'll hang from highest yardarm...

Charles Laughton.

What's the good in looking like him

down at the Palais on a Saturday night?

You want a bit of glamour.

Gene Kelly.

# Everybody loves a baby and it might as well be you. #

Gene Kelly, mark my words.

I haven't seen anything so funny for years.

Let's face it, with a clock like yours

you can't pretend to be anybody but yourself.

Play your best card, mate.

Intriguing ugliness, that's the only chance you've got.

I am not ugly. There's a lot of women think I'm very attractive.

Only women who aren't as good-looking as you are.

And they're few and far between, poor devils.

You can laugh, mate.

You watch tonight, I'll murder them.

You watch the old James technique come into play.

You drug them, don't you?

I do not. I charm them.

Give them the old chat.

One night out with me and a shop girl becomes a princess.

A couple of choruses of Come Prima down their earholes, mate, and they're mine.

Well, I wish you the best of luck.

I reckon if we play our cards right tonight

it'll be the best Saturday night we've had for years.

All dressed up and raring to go.

I'm looking forward to this.

We're going to crawl home in the early hours with a blissful smile of content on our faces, boy.

You may clear away and bring in the coffee.

You haven't touched it.

Chuck it over the fence for next-door's dog.

I've never liked him.

Are you two going out tonight?

Of course we are. We always go out on Saturday nights,

so you may lay out my chalk-stripe flair-line with the hand-stitched lapels.

I shall be wearing that tonight. You won't. I beg your pardon?

I took it to the cleaner's.

What for? There wasn't a stain on it.

Very well, I shall wear my Prince of Wales demob suit.

I sent that to the cleaner's too.

What?

My entire wardrobe down at the cleaner's?

Well, you'll just have to go and get them, that's all. No, I can't.

I'm off home. I've got my old man's breakfast to do.

But I'll have nothing to wear.

We're going out tonight, I've got to have me suits.

I can't help that, I'm not fetching them.

Sid, you'll have to nip down and get them.

The Dreadnought Dry-cleaning And Bag Wash Company Limited. He can't get them. Why?

I took all his suits down the cleaner's too.

He asked me to.

Sid. Blimey, that's right, yeah. You didn't?

Well, I thought you were going to pick yours up and you could get mine as well.

I didn't know she'd taken all yours.

So we haven't got a stitch to wear between us. How are we going to manage?

We'll have to go and get them ourselves.

No, we can't. How can we do that?

You can't go down Cheam high street in a dressing down.

Now, look here, Mrs... No, no. I'm off home.

I'm late as it is.

I'll pick them up for you Monday.

Bye-bye. Have a good time.

Have a good time.

Dancing the Blue Tango in your pyjamas.

She's ruined everything, she has.

No, she hasn't.

We go and get them ourselves. But how? Come on.

THEY PANT

HE LAUGHS

Beat you. You did not.

I was held up by a zebra crossing.

That's all right. I was stopped at the traffic lights.

It was my tactics that beat you.

I saved myself for a final burst.

You were running. I was not.

I brought my heels down every time.

I beat you fair square. All right.

Never mind about that, we've got the suits now,

all cleaned up and pressed.

It'll be all right tonight. I know.

That's mine. Sorry. It'll be dapper.

Dead dapper, we'll be.

Perfect sight of sartorial elegance, eh?

I'd better get the clean shirts out now, I think,

and give them a bit of an airing. Yeah, and don't dirty 'em.

Nothing puts the little darlings off quicker than a grubby drip dry.

Quite, quite. I think I'd better get them out now

in case we have a bit of a mad rush tonight.

Get the cufflinks in now and the stiffeners while they're off,

not while they're on, eh?

You ever tried getting a stiffener in once you've got your tie on? Eh?

It can be very nasty.

I nearly strangled myself once.

I got this bent stiffener and I was up like that. Suddenly I got...

Yeah, yeah, all right.

Never mind about the nattering, get the shirts out.

Stone me, she hasn't done the washing. Look at this lot.

It should all be pinned up now with a nice bit of cardboard

underneath the collar. Oh, she's a lazy so-and-so, that woman.

I pay her to do the washing, she hasn't touched it.

We can't go out with linen this colour, can we?

We'll have to wash them ourselves.

We'd never get them dry in time. We can't go out with damp shirts on.

We could get pneumonia if we went out with these on our backs.

We'd seize up before the band got to Who's Taking You Home Tonight?

Who's Taking You Home Tonight? The St John's Ambulance, mate.

We've had it. That woman's a fool, she'll have to go.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

There must be some way we can get them pressed and washed by tonight.

Now, let me think.

JAUNTY TUNE PLAYS

Good morning, sir. Good morning, madam.

My friend and I wish to launder our soiled linen.

Certainly, sir. 9lbs for 2/9d.

Will you put your washing on the weighing machine, please?

4oz, that should be about a penny, I reckon.

2/9d is our minimum charge.

2/9d for one shirt? That's more than he paid for it.

Do you mind? What I pay for my chemiserie is my own business.

Anyway 2/3d is quite enough for a shirt.

Can't you make it any cheaper than 2/9d?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Perhaps your friend could put his shirt in with yours.

That would save you hiring two machines.

You're joking, aren't you?

I'm going to put my good shirt in with that broken down bit of burlap.

How dare you! Best quality parachute panelling, this is.

Transparent too.

They go berserk when they see my string vest through this.

Well, that's two machines, 2/9d each, please.

Sheer extortion, madam.

I can't keep up with modern science. How do we get inside this thing?

You put your shirt in there.

Are you sure it's safe? Of course it's safe!

All right, I'm entitled to ask!

No need to snap my head off.

Well, now what do we do?

You switch on and sit down.

What, no scrubbing or squeezing or anything like that?

You just switch on and sit down and wait till it's finished.

Isn't that marvellous?

When I think of my poor, old mother on the banks of the canal

with those two great big stones, pounding the things...

..I boggle.

Yeah, well, that's progress, innit? Oh, this is marvellous.

Oh, I am going to enjoy this. Oh, I wish I'd been down here...

I'll come another week to see this.

Oh, look! You can see it going round in there. Look, look!

There's a collar!

And a sleeve! Look! Look, look, look!

There'll be coming round again in a minute. There!

Can you see it in yours? Yes, yes. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, I wish I'd seen these before.

Oh, this is a marvellous way to spend your money, isn't it?

That's my shirt going round in there.

There it is! Look, look, look.

Very good, aren't they?

Very simple, really, you know.

Basic principle is very elementary.

Very well-known in the time of the Venetians.

It's a sprocket with a rotary arm.

Of course, they had a rope tied to a camel going round in a circle,

but it's the same principle - centrifugal force

causing a disturbance in the water.

Shut up.

I was only telling him about the camels, that's all.

I wasn't doing any harm.

He's very touchy, he doesn't like me talking to strangers.

Neither do I.

Look at it. Look, look, look, look.

That's your machine. Oh, yes.

What are you looking at mine, then, for? Oh, nothing.

Wanted a little change, that's all. Got fed up with looking at my own.

You want to stop being nosy, looking at other people's washing.

Well, I wasn't. I can't see anything.

I just got a bit bored, that's all.

Perhaps you'd like me to stop the machine,

take them out and hold them up for you.

No, thank you. That won't be necessary.

You don't have to go to those lengths.

I'm not interested in your washing.

Just that I thought you were getting a better picture on yours,

that's all.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Anything wrong? It's him. He keeps looking at my washing.

Not the slightest bit interested in his ablutive activities.

I'm merely trying to ascertain whether he puts his whites in

with his colours, that's all.

I've never been to one of these establishments before.

Another thing, he's got more water than I have.

That's not right for a start.

I've got more washing in there, that's why it looks like more water.

it's a displacement.

We won't go into Archimedes' principle here.

And he's got bubbles. I haven't got any bubbles.

Have you got any bubbles, Sid? Yes, hundreds of them.

Well, I haven't got any bubbles. Have you got any bubbles, madam?

Why haven't I got any bubbles?

Did you put enough soap powder in it?

Soap powder, what soap powder?

I gave your friend two portions of soap powder.

How dare you filch my soap powder? That's very nice, isn't it(?)

Pitching a bloke's soap powder.

You're trying to make me look tatty tonight, aren't you?

Trying to make your shirt look whiter than mine so that when

you come and stand by me, people will start singing about my mother.

I'm not having that for a start.

I am having a ladleful of your bubbles.

Put those bubbles back. I'll put them in mine.

Put them back. No! You're not taking any more.

I haven't had my full whack yet.

Please, please! You're creating a disturbance.

I'm responsible for these machines. You'll damage them.

Right, so you can have some more soap powder.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make a scene.

I feel very strongly about these questions.

A man is entitled to his fair share of bubbles. Fine, fine.

But everything will be all right now.

Why don't you just sit down there

and watch your shirt going round, eh?

He nearly got one with the ladle there.

Excuse me, old chap. Have you got much washing in your machine?

No, one shirt, that's all.

That's good, cos I've got a shirt I'd like washed.

I don't want to hire one of these things.

I was wondering if I could put my shirt in with your washing.

Well, I don't know, really, I...

What's the difference, two shirts instead of one?

Oh, all right, then. Carry on. Mine will be finished in a minute anyway.

Thank you very much.

Jayne Mansfield's old man.

That was quick, wasn't it?

It used to take the camels all day, you know.

I don't suppose they used to whip round as quick as these things.

Well, a very instructive morning.

Now, then, how do we get it out, then? The same way you put it in.

Oh, yeah.

This is perfect. It's absolutely perfect.

Excuse me, old chap. My shirt.

I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. So it is.

Look what's happened to my shirt!

Well, what do you expect if you only pay 2/3d for them?

I'm not standing for this. I demand compensation.

They can't go about ruining people's shirts like this.

I want to see the manager.

Anything wrong, sir? There is indeed.

Look what your machine has done to my shirt. I demand recompense.

Well, there's no point putting them in like that.

This is a washing machine, not a sewing machine.

The man's a fool. It's a brand-new shirt, never been washed before.

Well, I suggest you buy better shirts in future.

Are you looking for a punch up the faghole, mush?

Are you going to replace this shirt or not?

I am very sorry, sir, but it says quite distinctly on the outside,

"Customers use these machines at their own risk" -

there's nothing I can do about it.

But it's the only clean shirt I've got.

I'm supposed to be going out on the town tonight.

I can't go bird watching in a thing like this.

Why don't you wear the front part, which is not too bad, like that?

Nobody'll notice the rest of the shirt isn't there.

Do your jacket up and your coat like that.

Besides, it gives your overcoat a sort of Italian flavour.

Oh, no, no, I'd feel self-conscious.

I wouldn't be comfortable in the knowledge.

Anyway, you can't go around doing a George Sanders with half a shirt on.

Yeah, well, I'm very sorry, sir. That's all I can suggest.

If you'll excuse me, I'm a very busy man.

By the way, if you want to dry the pieces,

there's a spin dryer over there for only a penny extra.

I'm not taking any more chances with it, mate.

I want to end up with a shirt, not a bag of confetti.

I should have stuck to the two big stones,

at least you know where you are. Good day to you, sir.

How did you get on? Hopeless. Four buttons and a finger gone.

It's no good, Sid, you'll just have to go by yourself.

I'd only spoil it for you.

Girls won't look at you if your friend's walking about

without a shirt on.

I'm not taking two birds on my own.

I can't afford it, for one thing and you can't do any good for another.

You can't even do any courting with one of them standing by there

swinging her handbag, whistling.

You don't have to wear a shirt, mate,

you can wear a sweater and a muffler. Oh, charming.

And a bit of pie wrapped up in a spotted handkerchief

slung upon my shoulder.

Open the front of my boot up and have my nails poking out.

A top hat on with the lid sticking up. I'm only trying to help.

Well, don't. I've got to work this out for myself.

How am I going to get away without having a shirt?

I know, a polo neck sweater, the corduroy trousers and the sandals.

I'll be a beatnik.

I bet that'll get them going.

I bet they'll never have been out with a beatnik before.

What's a beatnik do, then?

Well, he... Well, I don't know, but I don't suppose they'll know either.

So they can't argue, then, can they? That's settled, then.

I'll nip down the barber's,

have a haircut and a shave and I'll see you down the pictures tonight.

Haircut and shave? From what you've told me about beatniks,

they wouldn't worry about that. I'm not a proper beatnik.

Oh, no, I must have a haircut and a shave.

I'm more of a sort of a bourgeois beatnik, you know...

I'm getting confident again.

I think they're going to be dead chuffed when they see me.

Tell me again, Sid, what's my girl like?

Oh, blimey, I've told you three times.

All right, then, I'll see you down there.

Sid... Yeah.

Do something with yourself, eh? You know, don't show me up, eh?

Do you realise how long I've been waiting here? Ten minutes!

What's that?

Leave it alone. I had no choice. Look.

Fool of a barber, he did it on purpose, I swear he did.

Everything was all right until we got on to politics

and I ended up a mass of cigarette papers.

Look at my hair at the back here, the 39 steps, look at this.

You can't stay like that. I told them what you looked like

and I didn't tell them anything about a beard. Take it off.

No, I'm not walking about with a face full of sticking plaster.

Anyway, the beard goes perfectly with the rest of the outfit.

If it goes well tonight, I shall keep it in.

Take it from me, mate, you look a right twit.

I thought you didn't have a shirt. You great oaf!

It took me three quarters of an hour to get that into place.

Oh, this sweater is ridiculous without a shirt underneath.

It's like a tribe of ants trampling about.

Hello, how are you? All right. I'm sorry we're late.

This is my friend Elsie. Hello.

Has your friend turned up yet? Yeah, that's him.

How do you do?

Well, erm... Cheerio, then. What, are you going?

Yeah, we just remembered we've got to be home early.

Well, that's all right. What time? Now. Ooh, come on.

So that was Gladys and Elsie, was it?

Well, it was very pleasant while it lasted.

Well, how about that - standing us up like that. I'm not surprised.

It's always the same when I go out with you.

You always spoil it for me. What a liberty!

You turn up here looking like the second mate

of a broken-down French tramp steamer

and you've got the cheek to complain about me?

There's no point in trying to pull each other to pieces.

We know the truth. You never have known how to dress

and you never will know how to dress.

You've completely ruined our big night

and we might just as well go home.

Now, wait a minute. The night is young.

Let's nip off into the pictures.

There might be a bit of spare stuff floating around in there.

With the lights down, you won't be so much of a lumber.

How dare you.

All you've got to do now is you get them as soon as they come

through the curtains and they can't see what they're doing.

Then they get a whiff

of the aftershave lotion and we've got them.

All right, one more try, then.

Just a minute. Where do you think you're going?

Where do you think we're going? Inside.

You might be, but he's not.

I beg your pardon! We don't allow scruff like that in our cinema.

No, we've had quite enough trouble around these parts as it is.

Come on, out. Take your hands off me. I know your type.

Ripping up the seats, tripping up the ice cream girl.

Well, you're not doing it in here. I am not a hooligan.

What's all those bits of plaster on your face?

They're razor scars. There you are!

On the run from some gang, are you?

They'll all be in here looking for you.

No, this is a respectable cinema, this is.

We don't have scruff like you in here dressed like that.

Come, now, do I look like a Teddy boy?

I'm a perfectly respectable citizen.

This mode of dress has been forced upon me by circumstances.

All right, I'll be responsible for him.

I guarantee he won't slash any seats. Well, all right, then.

No whistling or stamping in the love seats.

You're not convinced, are you?

Come on. You'd better get me away from him, cos I'll...

Hang on to me, will you? Hang on, I can't see a thing.

Are there any steps? No. Where are we?

Get in there. Oh, yeah.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Thank you very much indeed. Thank you, thank you.

Oh, dear.

Well, are you going to stand there all night?

Excuse me. Do you mind?

I'm terribly sorry. Thank you. Here, get in there.

There's a couple of little darlings. Where, where, where?

There, right in front of you. Oh, yes, yes, I see them, yes, yes.

I don't fancy yours. Come on.

Come on, Elsie, this is where we came in. Excuse me.

It's just not our night, is it?

Do you think it's best to split up or hunt in a bunch?

I think we ought to split up. Right.

Well, if you find anything, make a noise like an owl hooting, eh?

Tuit-twoo!

Tuit-twoo! Quiet!

Go home.

Good hunting, boy.

I'll have the law on you. How dare you manhandle me like that?!

We only sat next to her to talk to her.

I didn't know she was the organist.

We were just as surprised as you were when we all shot up in the air.

Out! Don't come back!

You don't think we're going to sit still and look at the rubbish

you're showing. Don't think I'm going to patronise you any more.

I will get my drinks on a stick elsewhere in future.

Come, Sid, let's not stay here chitchatting

to these uniformed yobs.

Well, now what? I don't know. Draw a moustache on her and run for it,

I should think.

What a miserable night.

To think I've been waiting the whole week for this.

Stop moaning, it's just as bad for me. We want to live.

Stone me, is this living?

Saturday night nearly over and not another one for seven days.

Wait a minute, I think there's still time to find a couple of birds.

Of course there isn't.

It's ten o'clock. All the spare stuff will be fixed up by now.

You mark my words, by my experience,

if there's anything left after ten o'clock, mate, it's rubbish.

Let's face it, our big night out

has been a complete and utter fiasco,

let's go home, go to bed and forget all about it.

They're all right, ain't they?

Yeah, very nice.

What do you reckon, then?

What? We wouldn't stand a chance. We can't get off with them.

They'd run us in. Well, what better way of getting acquainted?

It's a lovely walk down to the station.

No, no, Sid, it's not worth it, let's go home. No.

Faint heart never won fair lady.

Apart from that, it'll only cost us a couple of nick a fine.

What will? This will. No, no, Sid, no , no, Sid.

GLASS SHATTERS Here we are over here.

All right, come on, you two.

No, no, no, no. Just a minute.

We want to be arrested by those two.

We're booked. That's the only reason we did it.

Are you coming quietly?

There's too much hooliganism going on around here.

I want to be arrested by those two young ladies over there.

Oh, yes? Well, that's my missus!

Oh, well, of course.

I'm not surprised. The big night - what a fiasco.

Here!

What's all that about? Never you mind.

That should take care of next Saturday as well.

I'm not having this again. Come on, then, what are we hanging about for?

Come on, let's go.

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Lucille by Tom Jones and The Squires

Were there any Teds in the crowd at your early gigs?

By 1963, Teddy boys are pretty much old news.

I'm sitting with Little Richard. We were just playing.

It was a song called Miss Ann.

# Oh-oh-oh, Miss Ann

# You're doing something no-one can... #

He had a piano in his room.

I was playing along with him. We were just, like, rocking,

Little Richard and little Richard, er...

Then the door opens and in comes Tom Jones and The Squires.

Totally rigged out in the old Teddy boy,

you know, with the leopard-skin...

The hair...

They walk in on their hands and knees.

You understand some of the, like,

reverence and the power of that music.

MUSIC: Miss Ann by Little Richard

And so Little Richard and me are looking at each other.

"You're Little Richard, what does that make me?"

And these guys are crawling and praying to Little Richard.

That was Tom Jones. Nobody else was wearing that crap except in Cardiff.

Most rock stars are very suburbanite people.

You know, "rock star" itself is a term...

I don't know when it was first... I mean,

you wouldn't hear it in the '50s,

until probably the late '60s, you know,

when loads of other people tried to jump on the bandwagon, you know.

And they did, very successfully, but much to the detriment of the music.

No particular affinity to other rock stars as such.

I mean, a lot of musicians, I know of them, yes.

I always, always saw it as another, you know...

There's more room for another copycat,

you know what I mean? Your Iron Maidens

and your Black Sabbaths and your blah, blah, blah.

HE CHUCKLES Fuck off, you know?

My dad was never interested in music until he got into his really

old age where he went to Bon Jovi and I said, "Good luck, Dad."

It's not what I'm about and what I care about and certainly with

music, it has nothing to do with, you know,

but they have an audience, enormous,

and it just shows you how many idiots there are out there.

# Yes, I'm lonely

# Wanna die

# Yes, I'm lonely

# Wanna die

# If I ain't dead already

# Girl, you know the reason why

# In the morning

# Wanna die

# In the evening

# Wanna die

# If I ain't dead already

# Girl, you know the reason why

# My mother was of the sky My father was of the Earth

# But I am of the universe

# And you know what it's worth

# I'm lonely

# Wanna die

# If I ain't dead already

# Girl, you know the reason why

# The eagle picks my eye The worm he licks my bone

# I feel so suicidal Just like Dylan's Mr Jones

# I'm lonely

# Wanna die

# If I ain't dead already

# Girl, you know the reason why

# Black cloud crossed my mind Blue mist round my soul

# Feel so suicidal Even hate my rock 'n' roll

# I'm lonely

# Wanna die

# If I ain't dead already

# Ooh, girl, you know the reason why...

# Wanna die

# Yes, I'm lonely

# Wanna die. #

Most songs that you write are pretty much recorded within

a very short time of you writing them.

We wrote them on Tuesday and recorded them on Friday,

so we'd hardly got to know the song itself.

I mean, that's the hit record, you know,

Jumpin' Jack Flash, Brown Sugar, whatever.

At the same time,

you've only just got to grips with this damn thing and

so the opportunity to play it over and over again

so you can only improve on the way that you cut it.

That song was four, five days old and

that's the record and that's what everybody hears and thinks that

that's that, but you get up there every night and you say, "Damn."

I mean, Satisfaction, I still get into that one...

Oh! And sometimes you go,

"Oh, damn, I wish I'd put that lick on the record," because you

live with them, these songs grow up with you,

there's no full-stop with them,

you just try and do it better.

# Well, I told you once and I told you twice

# But you never listen to my advice

# You don't try very hard to please me

# With what you know it should be easy

# Well, this could be the last time

# This could be the last time

# Maybe the last time I don't know

# Oh, no Oh, no

# Well, I'm sorry, girl But I can't stay

# Feeling like I do today

# It's too much pain and too much sorrow

# Guess I'll feel the same tomorrow

# Well, this could be the last time

# This could be the last time

# Maybe the last time I don't know

# Oh, no Oh, no...

# Well, this could be the last time

# This could be the last time

# Maybe the last time I don't know

# Oh, no Oh, no

# Well, I told you once and I told you twice

# That someone will have to pay the price

# But here's the chance to change your mind

# Because I'll be gone a long, long time

# Well, this could be the last time This could be the last time

# Maybe the last time I don't know

# Oh, no

# Oh, no

# Last time, baby

# Saying no more

# Well, I'm not no more

# No, not no more

# Well, I'm not no more

# I'm not no more

# I'm not no more

# No, no, no

# No, no, no. #

I look around when we're going on stage and I go, "Yep,

"there's Mick, Charlie,

"Ron, there's Darryl. All right, I'm here.

"Is that all there is?" HE CHUCKLES

You go out there sometimes feeling stark fucking naked that you've got

to deliver and once you get up there and hit the first chord...

..you know that you have something to give and every night is

kind of reaffirmation of what you think you're doing, because

two hours a night, three nights a week and all the rest of it is

like being a Rolling Stone but not actually doing anything.

Hanging around... Charlie Watts once said somewhere in the

'80s and I think we'd been together then 25 years and somebody

asked Charlie Watts, "So, what's it like?"

And he said, "Well, you know, five years' work

"and 20 years hanging about."

Because there's a lot of hanging about, not doing what you're doing.

Are there two Keith Richards?

You sometimes talk about the guy on stage as though he's

different from you.

There's a certain persona that you take on for work.

I try, as far as I know...

I don't see much difference because I wouldn't want to be two guys,

it's kind of difficult, but now and again you do feel it.

It's not a pain in the heart.

It's just they're thinking of me like that and I'm like this,

but I've always tried to be, and the same as I'm trying to do with you,

Julien, is say it doesn't matter what do you think, I'm just a bloke.

There ain't nothing special about me except that I've been blessed

with a certain amount of talent and I've been allowed to express it.

How concerned are you with your image now? They've made it up.

I just am. The image is up to them now.

I can't be bothered to dicker with it.

You did say, though, a Sagittarian, half man, half horse.

Licence to shit in the street. HE CHUCKLES

Also fully armed. Yeah.

There is a thing about Sagittarian men.

Also loved this thing on Baudelaire rolled in with a few other cats.

Who would the other cats be? I don't know.

Probably Opium-Eaters. De Quincey.

William Burroughs.

Hugo. A very interesting character.

I know my Baudelaire.

I know my De Quincey.

And I know my Coleridge.

Well, songwriting you've got to be a bit of a poet to write songs.

Basically, writing songs is putting poetry to music. Check this out.