The Hairy Bikers' Christmas Party

-'Are you ready, children?'

-OK, Roy.

-Oh, everything hurts.

HE GROANS Oh, that was the party to end all parties.

That was a good one, dude. That was a good... Oh, good grief.

Oh, that food! The endless canapes!

Them chocolate sticks were good, weren't they?

Yeah. Oh, my mouth's dry.

-That vodka luge was sonic.

-That worked, didn't it?

-Cor, dear me.

-Oh, the music was ace.

-Hey, did anybody see Roy leave?

-No?

-Did you?

Did somebody call me?

Blimey. How much booze did you put in that Christmas pud, lads?

I don't know but I wish it could be Christmas every day.

CHEERING

# When the kids start singing And the band begins to play... #

# It's Christmas! #

So how did Dave and I get in such a post-party mess?

Well, it all started a few months ago

when Si and I decided a whopper of a Christmas party was in order.

And we wanted our party to be one to remember.

A chance to raise toast to all the great mates we've made

on our travels around Britain making TV shows.

There's so many people in the Biker gang

that we thought they deserved an invite

to a sort of, well, Biker office party.

The only problem is, we don't have an office.

-But we know how we like to party.

-And that's big and loud.

So in the spirit of Christmas,

I slip over to Dave's side of the country in the glorious northwest

for a party-planning pint.

And that's how our journey

to a filthy happy Christmas hangover began.

In Dave's local.

Oh, I tell you what, mate, you can't plan a party without a pint.

And this is the perfect pub to pack a pint while you plan the party.

Whoo! Christmas!

-Two of the usual, please, Mary.

-OK.

The humble salted nut. It really is the first building block of a party.

-We've all had them at parties.

-We know a recipe, don't we?

-And it's so simple to do...

-Yeah.

-..that you could do it in the pub.

This could be the first step to party food perfection.

-So say goodbye, salty peanut.

-And hello, Hairy spicy macadamia,

a nut for Christmas and beyond.

# Nuts, macadamia nuts! Whoo!

# We mix 'em up with spices

# And we roast them up for Christmas! Ooh! #

Macadamia nuts, possibly the highest calorific, most fattening nut on the planet.

-But it's Christmas, so do we care?

-No!

-And we all know that fat means...?

-Flavour!

Let's go nuts.

We start off with two tablespoons of oil.

-It's a good pub. They let dogs in.

-Add the juice of two limes.

HE GRUNTS

Who needs a bin when you've got a fire?

Every one a winner.

Now, what makes our nuts full of Christmas spirit

is the heady mix of sugar, garam masala,

chilli powder, sea salt and black pepper,

all held together with runny honey. Ooh, madam!

I take about 300g of macadamia nuts. That's probably calories for a week.

-Would you like a spoon?

-I wouldn't mind.

-Go on, then.

Toss your nuts in that lovely mixture

till they're nice and sticky.

Just look at them. Look at the colour.

It's just like when a Manchester girl has been on a sun bed.

Now, really, you should cook these in an oven at 180 degrees for 20 minutes

and stir your nuts about halfway through.

-But you know, we're in a pub and it's Christmas.

-And there's a fire.

# Macadamias roasting on an open fire

# Jack Frost nibbling at your toes... #

In about half an hour, they're going to look like Rudolf's droppings.

-But edible.

-Yummy, too.

Right, put that on the fire.

And that's me sat comfortably with Puss.

Ah!

-That's about it really.

-Yeah.

I love this high-intensity cooking.

-I'm going to set Magic on you.

-Magic the killer cat.

No, he's liked a coiled spring, Magic. Look at this.

LAUGHTER

I thought he was stuffed.

-How are they looking, mate?

-Well...

-They're done, mate.

Fabulous.

Whoa! All we've got to do now is wait for these to cool,

-then we can have a nibble.

-Thanks Magic, you were brilliant.

Here we go. Spiced macadamia nuts, my sweet.

-What do you think of them?

-Thank you, Dave.

-Geoff.

-Thank you.

-They're fabulous.

-They're really nice.

-Gorgeous.

-What do you think?

-Really, really nice.

It's like an angel kissing your tongue.

What makes a Christmas party go with a bang for you lot?

-Fun people.

-Good company.

-Good beer.

-Good beer.

-Good music.

-Good food.

So do you think this is an improvement on a bag of salted nuts?

-Yes!!

-# It's Christmas! #

Well, the locals love our spicy macadamia nuts.

But we both know a nut doth not a party make.

So that's why we're going to rustle up a table-bending feast of party food.

-The turkey's getting a makeover.

-As a party nibble vindaloo.

-Fantastic glazed gammon ham...

-Is dancing with last-minute Christmas chutney.

-There's one-bite meals.

-A light breakfast in a canape.

We're going to turn up the fire with Thai party nibbles.

Then there's hand-held desserts to keep you cosy.

Like sherry trifle in a shot glass.

Oh, right through from Christmas Eve to New Year's Eve...

-our party food is always...

-Ready to party!

-That was quintessentially the Christmas spirit, wasn't it?

-It was.

And we're going to crystallise that, at the end of the week, in a belting party.

So happy in the knowledge that we've already sprinkled Christmas magic in Dave's local...

It's time to hit the open road and start building the perfect Christmas event for our chums.

Now, in my house, Christmas starts with a tree.

-Which one do you fancy?

-I don't know.

-Pirates of t'Caribbean.

-Come on - charge.

That's nice. That's a beautiful tree.

About there. Yeah.

Hold on a minute.

We're never going to get that back on the bike.

-It's a bit big.

-But it's such a beautiful Christmas tree.

Do you know what? If we can't get the Christmas tree to the venue...

Bring the venue to the trees!

# If you go down to the woods today

# You're sure of a big surprise

# Cos Santa's here with all his reindeer

# And full of people, lots of good cheer

# Today's the day the bikers have their... #

-Party.

-Oh, yes!

-Perfect! Look, man, it's a clearing.

-We could put up a marquee.

Or a yurt or a wigwam.

I tell you what, though, we've got all the Christmas trees we could ever could possibly want.

-What do you want for Christmas?

-At the minute, I wouldn't mind some walls and a roof.

SPOOKY NOISE Ooh!

Crikey. These days, even Santa's upgraded to instant messaging.

There it is, Kingy - one perfect party venue ordered online.

Well, thank you, Santa.

-Ooh-hoo-hoo!

-Oh, what?!

-Yes!

Oh, now I feel the spirit of St Nicholas is truly upon us.

I tell you what, dude, it's going to take a lot of work.

-It's brilliant.

-It's marvellous, man.

-It is.

-It's like one of Dolly Parton's cast-offs.

-Magnificent, dude!

-A few baubles and we're laughing.

-It'll take more than few baubles.

-We need to make some calls.

-We need help.

-We do.

Now, we reckon, when you want help, ask the best.

In these glittering towers, one thing is always dressed to impress.

Canapes, the cornerstone of office party nibbling.

So when we heard that chef Abdul, in the heart of the Square Mile,

is the king of the canapes...

A visit to his court, Cinnamon Kitchen, was without question.

Abdul's a creative force in the field of one-hand party wonders.

Most recently taking the canape trophy for an exotic little number

of spiced roasted pigeon with beetroot,

all balancing on a shot of spicy soup.

-Wahey!

-Hey!

I love canapes. I love little things in little pots,

little bursts of flavour.

What's the perfect canape in your eyes?

If I serve something as a canape, it should not be more than bite-size.

-Yeah.

-So you just pick it up and in a bite, it's just gone.

Our visit promises to open the eyes and excite the taste buds.

Oh!

Look at those. World championship canapes.

It's like going to the Olympics and getting to eat the medals.

Oh, man! Right, let's eat.

Mr Pigeon.

-Ooh!

-Oh, my goodness.

-Try the lamb.

-It's like a lamb kebab wrapped in onions in a roti,

topped with raita and pomegranate seeds.

You are beautiful.

That is totally fantastic.

It's those levels of spice that just keep coming through, building,

and then there's a blossom at the end and then it's gone.

What I'm fast realising, Dave, is a canape,

and these quality of canapes,

-are for life, not just for Christmas.

-That's right.

We've just had a glimpse of the future.

'So what canapes would Abdul make for our Hairy Biker party?

'Remembering we're in a tent, not a glittering tower.

'Well, we might have guessed.

'A stunning reworking of leftover Christmas turkey.

'Stir-fried vindaloo in a bamboo cone.

'Dudes, the future is here!'

Coriander seeds, peppercorn, chillies, cumin seeds,

star anise, cinnamon and cloves.

So we gently dry the spices.

-Could you give me two minutes? There's a call.

-Of course.

-He's just getting a recipe tip.

-He's phoning his mam.

"Mam, What is it you put in next?"

'To give the toasted spices an authentic air...

'Apply the brute force and ignorance of a large man with a pestle

'and wait for the heady aroma of sweat.'

Mm, you could wear that.

I must say, there is nothing that smells like roasted turkey.

It just pervades the house and you know it's Christmas.

'To add a fresh layer of flavour,

'Abdul lightly fries onions and peppers.'

Chillies, ginger, a little bit of salt

and then we end up putting the turkey in as well.

Just a tiny bit of malt vinegar.

'The vinegar, interestingly, is the "vin" bit of vindaloo.'

-So that's tomato puree, Abdul?

-Yeah.

We finish it with some freshly chopped coriander leaves

and your vindaloo spice mix.

Oh, because we haven't put the spices in, yet.

We were always taught to finish the dish off with fresh spices

and cook the dried spices in.

This is great. This is new.

It will not give the spices a rawness.

That's just glossed with butter.

-How do you make a canape out of that?

-The best would be to serve it in cones.

I would serve it like...

I think what we've learnt, Abdul, is that when it comes to canapes

and party food,

is let your imagination go wild.

Now, this is potato straws. It will add a little texture to your turkey.

-Oh, marvellous.

-Happy Christmas.

Mm. First of all, it's superb. Second of all, it's very clever.

On Boxing night, I'm going to be standing there

with a cone of vindaloo and a cold beer

and I'll think all my birthdays and Christmases have come at once.

Merry Christmas.

# Hark the herald... #

You can get the bamboo cones online for pennies.

It would have even made Scrooge smile.

Well, that's one perfect party nibble

that Mr Kingy and I can rustle up at our soiree without a problem.

It's just a posh stir-fry.

Now, before Abdul's inspired cooking is washed off our taste buds,

it's back to campaign HQ to get things cracking.

Whilst we've been away, Santa's little helpers have also erected a Christmas command centre.

That's like a kitchen in a tent.

That's certainly going to spice up proceedings.

Spicy canapes from Abdul. Brilliant.

Yes, but we need to apply our imagination.

-One meal in a bite.

-Right.

And we're going to do two flavours.

The first is egg and bacon with a little quail's egg.

And an equally tasty ploughman's lunch in a bite.

Perfect anytime snacking.

Canapes!

So, egg and bacon to start with.

All I'm going to do is I'm going to cut some rashers of bacon,

very simply fry them off and set them aside.

I've got two hard-boiled eggs.

Peel them, put them in a bowl. I'm going to make egg mayonnaise.

It's great what Abdul said.

You could take anything to put in a canape.

That's the lovely thing about canapes, isn't it?

You go all creative and get your juices going.

For two eggs, you need about four tablespoons of mayonnaise.

I think that'll do nicely.

What's the good of an egg without salt?

White pepper's good for this, as well as black pepper.

On the top, we're going to garnish it with half a hard-boiled quail's egg.

They're lovely. It shows your guests that you care.

There's love in every mouthful, isn't there?

There is, mate, there is.

I'm good to go. I've got me egg mayonnaise, quail's eggs,

rocket, seasoning and you've got the rashers

and you have the cases.

We've blind-baked these shortcrust pastry cases.

Now, we made our own pastry but shop-bought is just fine and dandy.

Now we have the substance, let the artistry begin.

It's like the ultimate all-day breakfast, isn't it?

It is! In a oner. It's brilliant.

These are nice. These are called Tomberries.

They're miniature tomatoes.

This is rocket. Rocket will be quite nice and peppery.

-They look lovely.

-Absolutely gorgeous.

I'd be really happy to receive that at a party.

The all-day breakfast bacon and egg canapes.

-Onwards with a ploughman's lunch...

-Yeah!

-..in a canape.

A ploughman's has to have apple, celery, cheese, pickles and mayonnaise.

-It's all going in a oner.

-Oh!

-Humph.

A good apple for this is the Granny Smith.

It's traditional, tart and makes your eyes go...

First, peel it.

-Unless you like the skin.

-Which wouldn't be right in this.

I'm dressing this apple with lemon juice so you don't get brown apple.

What's in a ploughman's that we all know and love?

Cheese. Just cut it like that, across on the diagonal,

to form a wedge.

Cut the celery like a rhombus.

-Our spring onions.

-Yes?

-How about like that, across.

-A shard.

-A shard.

It's Christmas. You've got to have a silverskin, haven't you?

-Silverskin onions at Christmas.

-And our beloved Tomberries.

I'm going to put a blob of mayonnaise in the bottom because you don't want them drying out.

Oh, magnificent. It's like Mr Whippy.

Let Mr King take the first stroke.

And a little chutney, there, Kingy.

-Go on, let's go and treat the gang.

-Yeah.

Let's find some really butch foresters.

Now, we know there's only two of you but you look like hungry lads.

-What do you think, boys?

-Mm, very nice, yeah.

-The bacon and egg is best, I think.

-That's vegetarian, 100%.

-Hurray.

Go on, have another one.

Canapes are meant to be eaten in one.

-And there it was.

-It's not very good for conversation.

But other than that, it's brilliant.

So our first batch of canapes get the seal of approval

from our backstage team.

-Well, they say that travel broadens the behind.

-That's mind, mate, mind.

Years ago on our travels, we fell in love with the great flavours of Asian food.

So when we discovered Tuk back in Barrow,

we were excited to have some of her fantastic Thai food here in Blighty.

She cooked up a storm on the Christmas programme a while back.

She even cooked for my wedding banquet.

So she's one mate we know will give our party the spicy edge.

Oh, her grub's so good you'll think we're in the Far East.

Not the Northwest.

I think you can tell we're at Tuk's house. Look at the gates.

-She made them herself, you know.

-Did she?

-Yeah.

-But there's one thing you can guarantee, there's always a party at Tuk's house.

-You're not wrong.

-Tuk! Tuk!

-Hi!

-Merry Christmas!

Come on, come in!

-Come in.

-Ah, Tuk, this looks good.

Yeah, I prepare all the ingredients for our cooking today.

We've had a lot of parties, haven't we, over the years?

Yes, I like cooking.

I like to be with parties of people.

-So we want your help...

-Yes.

-OK? With our party food.

-Have you got any ideas?

-Yeah, don't worry.

Today, we're going to cook all the finger food or party food.

Food you can pick up.

What I love about your Thai food is it's tasty, it's spicy.

-It sets your mouth alight.

-We've got some galangal, lime leaves.

-Shallots.

-Sweet basil.

-Sweet basil.

-Lemongrass, yeah.

-Now, Tuk reckons that the best party nibbles...

-Are chicken wings,

crispy prawns and non-fish fishcakes.

Before we cook up the wonders of the East,

Tuk has a little spiritual exercise for us.

Now, we've fed the spirit, it's time to feed the belly.

-Yes!

-Yeah!

-Yay!

-What's first, Tuk?

-We're going to do the chicken wing, first.

-So the chicken wings, they need to be marinated in a nice Thai curry paste.

-Yeah.

-So the lemongrass, garlic.

-Yes, and some of the pieces of ginger.

-And I just start.

-Yes, start grinding.

-Two tablespoon of soy sauce.

-That's the dark soy.

-And oyster sauce.

I tend to put some little bit of dark brown sugar.

-It balances with the soy, doesn't it?

-That's right.

-There's your wings.

-OK, then.

-And there's your marinade, Kingy.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, wow.

-Lemongrass, ginger, garlic,

salt, pepper, soy, oyster...

The chicken wings are crispy because of the plain flour

we've just sprinkled on them.

-We can leave that to marinade while we make something else.

-Yes.

Whilst those fabulous wings do their thing,

I make an assault on a mountain of prawns.

Now, we know none of them are going to go to waste

because Tuk's crispy prawns are a thing of wonder.

-Self-raising flour.

-Yes.

-Some ground black pepper.

-Yes.

-That's right.

-Salt. That's it, lovely. A teaspoon of salt.

And now we've got to mix the egg with the really cold water.

That's it. Now you've got to mix them really, really well.

These Japanese breadcrumbs are known as panko.

They give the prawns their light golden colour and crispy outside.

You should be able to grab them at any good Oriental food store.

-Ready?

-You put in there, just to make sure... Yeah.

And drop it in there.

And that's it.

Just to get that breadcrumb over everywhere.

-It's the seasoned flour.

-Yeah.

-It's the iced water and egg.

-Yes.

-And then the panko.

-That's it.

-Simple as that.

Now that's how you can have a Thai nibble

that your local restaurant would be proud of.

Try! Go on, try.

Yeah, you don't try, you don't know.

The prawn's cooked through, just.

The batter's so thin, you feel you're just eating prawn.

-Nice, isn't it?

-Mm.

-Phwoar.

Now, the Thais' love of spicy food is stuff of legend.

I love these fresh flavours as a complement to traditional Christmas grub.

So no surprise, Tuk's got us next on a big chilli hit,

making a classic patty.

So there's about a dozen dried chillies.

-Mate, you're leaving the seeds in, so it'll be really...

-I'm doing as I'm told.

So we've got loads of lemongrass, chillies, shallots, garlic,

-kaffir lime leaves, and now this is sweet basil.

-Yes.

I love sweet basil.

Now, welcome to the 21st century.

That will do.

Often, this type of patty is known as a fishcake

but Tuk's recipe uses soy mince,

which has been soaked in a little water and bulked up with mashed potato.

-Ordinary mash.

-Some cornflour. Some soy sauce.

-Thai food, you always balance the sweet and sour, don't you?

-That's right.

-They are quite simple to do.

-That's lovely.

-Yes.

-How long either side, Tuk?

-We just make them go brown.

With Si frying off the last patties,

time to get the marinated Thai chicken wings cooked.

-Are they spicy?

-Oh, yeah. They're fabulous.

-Oh, thank you.

-Mm.

-Mm!

-Wow!

-Mm, that's nice.

-They make your tonsils dance, don't they? Look at that.

-Aye.

-Wow.

-They're beautiful, aren't they? Absolutely beautiful.

-Merry Christmas.

-We've got to test, though, Tuk.

-Yeah, I know.

-Ooh, they're lovely.

-There we are.

-And three clever dishes.

-Because you are a very clever lady.

-Oh, I'm not really.

-Thank you.

-You're a good cook.

Whenever Tuk rustles up some nibbles, it's an excuse to party.

CHEERING

-Hi!

-Oh, wow.

-How are you, girls?

There's quite a strong Thai community around Barrow,

most of which appear to be in Tuk's conservatory.

-Yes?

-Can we try it?

-Yes.

-That's Tuk's chicken wings.

-Thank you.

And this is the no-fish fishcakes and the crispy prawns.

Mm! That's nice.

If these few nibbles can get this amount of joy...

Then we definitely want them on our party menu.

-Is this Thai party food to you? Is this what you eat?

-Yes!

-Then we diet.

-LAUGHTER

-You've got me boots!

-HE SPEAKS THAI

CHEERING

I can't wait to see Tuk and her chums again at party time.

They never, ever cease to amaze me. Those Thai ladies are fab.

They can cook, they can chat and they know how to party.

With our savoury nibbles on track, we're well en route to a fab bash.

But one big task still lies ahead -

sprinkling Christmas magic over the venue.

I reckon a raid on mine and Si's tinsel collection

would hardly touch the sides of the tent.

So we're going in search of Christmas baubles.

At a place we've heard dreams - or maybe nightmares - come true.

A yard in North London.

-Wow, the Blues Brothers, naked ladies, all that.

-Excellent.

To help us leave our dark sides in the car park is Ryan.

He knows exactly where the door to Narnia lies.

-Oh, what?! It's Christmas!

-Ah, yes!

-They've got Santa.

-Giant baubles.

-It's a sign to the North Pole.

Oh, look! Whoo!

Whoa!

Look, that's you in about three years.

# If you go down to the woods today you're sure of a big surprise. #

Oh, look, Kingy. There's loads of penguins.

-Oh, man.

-Look, a serving platter.

Reindeer! Look, man!

Oh, brilliant.

# Dashing through the snow... Rudolph, the red-nose reindeer...

# Had a very shiny nose

-Yes!

-It's a must-have.

-We've got to have him.

With half of Noah's Ark for party decorations...

I've got an idea, Dave.

This Christmas treasure is the perfect photo opportunity.

You're right. We can use it to remind all our fab guests of when and where to turn up.

And they'll have time to dust off their party frocks.

PENGUIN HONKS

Hey... Are you gonna stop making that irritating noise?

You're so Method.

SNARLING I'm a penguin.

Oh, Kingy, how the hell are we going to ride the bikes wearing this?

Right, let's see if this works.

Now, what better way to get our message to everyone

than in a Christmas cracker?

Just open a cheapy cracker and slip your personal message inside.

-Why did the tomato blush?

-Don't know.

-Cos it saw the salad dressing.

-Oh!

-Now, don't read all the jokes!

-And don't expect your postie to deliver them.

You're just going to have to drop them off by hand.

There you go. Six down, 54 to go.

Well, they say people make parties.

But we say these party people need feeding.

So back at the Cooking Command HQ,

we know that whichever you go with finger food...

Everyone loves to see a Christmas table graced with some kind of roast beast.

Like our honey-glazed gammon,

a joint that will feed our guests days after its first appearance.

Oh....!

-There. Right.

-The centrepiece.

-At a party, you always need something of great magnificence.

-Thank you.

-Not him.

-Oh.

-This.

-Two sideboard-bending hams.

-Look at that!

These are triple-smoked hams. HE SNIFFS

-Ah!

-We've put the hams in water, brought them to the boil,

taken the hams out, thrown the water away

and that makes sure that there's no excess salt in them.

Now, we need to place these hams into two big pots of water.

So the blanched hams in the cold water.

We need two onions each.

-Cut.

-And cut.

Don't whatever you do throw that juice away.

It's fantastic for pea and ham soup. Oooh!

Next, two sticks of celery each.

-And what's next?

-The snowman's friend.

Carrots!

'So the final flavour is the stuff of a simple stock.

-'A few bay leaves, peppercorns...

-Then keep these babies simmering...

'Allowing 20 minutes for each 500g.

'That gives us a little time to rustle up a bit on the side.'

We've got a chutney you make at the last minute

and you can eat it as soon as it's done. It lasts for a month.

So all those leftovers you can have with your last minute chutney.

-So let's get ourselves in a right old pickle.

-Oh-ho!

To make our fast chutney, sweat your onions in sunflower oil.

# Oh, ham and pickles, ham and pickles, don't they give you a tickle? #

-Right, look at these onions, Kingy.

-Lovely.

They've shrivelled up like a squid on a sun bed.

That's what we're after.

Then add your finely chopped garlic and ginger.

Now, that needs to cook for about another five minutes.

-Chutneyfication.

-Across the nation.

-For Christmas.

Next, the figs, apricots and raisins.

-Two...

-Three, four.

And it wouldn't be a chutney without vinegar,

-white wine vinegar today, and sugar.

-The crunchy brown one.

Now, it's beginning to look and smell like chutney.

-But it doesn't smell like Christmas yet.

-No, it doesn't.

So all those lovely smells and flavours that are synonymous with Christmas

and the Christmas spirit, here they are.

Take two cinnamon sticks and chuck them in.

-And the final seasonal frolic with aroma...

-Is grated nutmeg.

Season with salt and pepper.

Now let that simmer with the lid off for about half an hour.

Keep an eye on it. You want it to be thick and gloopy.

And then you will have chutney which you can use once it's cooled.

Satisfaction guaranteed.

This quick chutney and all our festive party recipes are online.

Just take a look at:

Once the ham has cooked, it will have soaked up some of that stock.

Which means it will be really moist for a final roasting.

How beautiful is that? Look, it's magnificent.

Now we've got lovely boiled ham

but the next thing we want to do is to get that chequered effect

that you see on Victorian pictures.

The way you achieve that is you take the skin off

and leave the fat on.

You can have ham when it's hot or cold

but there's that thing when there's like half of it in the fridge

and you remember and you come down in the morning

and just think, I'll just have a nice ham sandwich

or a couple of poached eggs and a slice of decent smoked ham

and it's your proper smoked ham. It doesn't get much better.

In the middle of each diamond, pop a clove.

You'll notice your creation begins to look

like a well-shod hobnail boot.

-Oh, yes!

-Yes! Hey-hey!

Now the good bit. The Christmas decorating that you can eat.

-'Roughly translated, Dave means a glaze.

-Indeed.

'I believe a fabulous ham should always be in evening dress at this time of year.

'So the simple glaze is English mustard and runny honey.'

It's like milking a bee.

Just fill in every square, like painting with numbers.

'Do you know what it is yet?

'Then pop it in the oven for 10 minutes to get the glaze to stick.'

The diamonds are looking nice now. We're ready for a second coat, mate.

This second coat is worth the effort to get a good, thick, glossy finish.

Look at the colour of this. You know what we could call it?

A ham tan. Hey-hey!

Now, leave that for another ten to 15 minutes until it's golden brown.

But keep an eye on it because it'll blacken if the honey burns.

With the feast's centrepiece nicely roasting...

We still need to find an entertainment centrepiece.

We need to aim for the top,

the most Christmassy Christmassy thing you could possibly have.

Well, they say, if you don't ask, you don't get.

-Hi, it's Dave and Si!

-Dude, hello. How are you?

Now, look, we're throwing the biggest and best Christmas party ever.

We need a grand finale, a big one. Are you up for it?

-Yes! Brill.

-That's a result.

-That is, isn't it?

But the thing is when you're doing business like that,

it pays to have a land line, especially in these rural parts.

-The old ways are the best ways.

-Oh!

-# When the snowman brings the snow... #

-I'm excited!

Keep calm, Kingy. You need to stay focused to be a good host.

Focused, dude? With a rock legend coming to play?

Back in the venue, our lighting boys are also on the rock track.

-Fixing up a glittering rig of lamps for show time.

-Hungry work.

Now, to continue with the plan, let's sample some ham.

-Shall we make the boys some baps?

-Aye, carry on regardless.

Phwoar! Look at this - ham with a tan.

Oh, Dave, look at this, man.

The chutney, the consistency is simply heavenly.

As you're cutting, just pull your cloves out.

This glazed gammon recipe is perfect party food

-because you can cook it well in advance.

-Just like we have.

Don't be mean - it's Christmas!

-Look at that, mate. Shall we go and feed the troops?

-Onward.

-Thank you very much.

-No, thank you.

-They look lovely.

-Shall we join the gents?

-I think it would be rude not to.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas. Thanks very much.

-The chutney's lovely.

-Mm.

-Mm.

-Mm. Great sandwiches.

-You've not skimped with the ham on this one.

-Thanks, fellas.

'With the roadies fed and a rock legend sorted for the party,

'I reckon we're on a pretty rock and roll tip.

'So, mate, the pressure's on to keep our party well oiled.

'What need is a cracking bar idea, dude.

-'Let's break the ice...

-As only the best hosts do...

'By making a vodka luge.

'That's quite simply a grand vodka dispenser

'carved from a solid block of ice.'

That's it.

'To start the luge, you need to create ice art.

'It's like being Michelangelo on the rocks.

'Helping us to wield the chainsaw is Wayne.

'He turns party planners' dreams into a chilling reality.

'From penguins to a hammer and sickle.'

-Hey-hey! We've got a tree, Kingy.

-Get in!

-Look at that - it's like crystal, isn't it?

-Oh, it's beautiful.

-We'll do the second stage now.

-Eh? I thought that was it.

No, that's just the start.

A pro can rattle off a luge in about an hour and a half

-but it's tough work for a beginner.

-Because ice melts.

That's it, Kingy. That's belting. You've got it, mate.

That's brilliant but where does the vodka go

-and how do we get it through the tree?

-We drill the sculpture.

-What?

-And that turns a sculpture into a luge?

-That's correct.

'Making the icy hole for the vodka is a two-pronged attack.

'It's like finishing the Channel Tunnel.'

Well, Kingy, time to test the luge.

It's a little bit of water and food colouring and with a bit of luck,

it'll pop out of here. Imagine it's raspberry vodka.

The moment of truth.

Perfect.

-Decoration time.

-All Christmas trees need decorations, don't they?

'The crystal-clear ice is due to specially filtered water...

'Which also makes for a hygienic drinking experience - thank goodness!

'Now, we don't suggest you try this at home.

'It is one for the professionals.'

Now, look at that.

Me mother used to have a sugar bowl like that, a pressed glass one.

-Wahey, lad!

-Hey-hey! Oh, when do you stop?

'So our stunning ice luge is ready for vodka.

'And needs to be put to bed until party night.'

He's got a penguin!

-Oh, wow!

-DAVE HONKS

See you at the party.

'As we want to give our guests more than water with food colouring...

'We need to get cracking on a vodka treat everybody will love.

'It's time to head for HQ.'

The time has come to get down and macerate.

-Vodka.

-It's a brilliant one, this one.

This is our invention. It's Christmas pudding vodka.

Can you imagine? It's wonderful for our vodka luge.

It just tastes like Christmas pudding but it makes you go all warm.

It's Christmas in a bottle.

H'orange. Lemon.

-The zest of each. Mr King, your weapon.

-Thank you.

In the jar, I've just got some mixed fruit

and it's got candied peel, raisins, sultanas.

Put into that a bottle of voddy.

# In the winter, we will build a snowman... #

I know in Scotland you're quite partial to it with Irn-Bru

but cut that out. This is Christmas pudding vodka.

This is for a touch of class.

To this, put in two sticks of cinnamon.

About two teaspoons of mixed spice and six cloves.

It's a Christmas drink, a liqueur - some sugar.

And half a grated nutmeg.

So, really, it's a Christmas pudding in vodka

without the flour and the fat.

One could say it's quite a diet option.

It is. If you had this instead of your Christmas pudding at your Christmas dinner,

it might be an interesting rest of the afternoon.

But if your auntie is a supermodel and is thinking about her weight,

while you're tucking into your big pudding, flaming with brandy and custard,

all you need to do is give her a little nip of this vodka

and she's going to feel part of it without piling on those extra pounds.

-So that goes in there as well?

-Yeah.

Pop the lid on.

I'm just going to cover it with a cloth in case it starts to leaky.

And just give it a shake.

# Hey, Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat

# Please put a penny in the old man's hat

# If you haven't got a penny A ha'penny will do

# If you haven't got a ha'penny, God bless you! #

Now, every so often, just give it a shake...

Sh-sh-sh. After three days, strain it off. Vodka, happiness,

all the season's greetings in a jar.

'With the Christmas pudding vodka happily maturing...

'We're well on the way to party perfection.

'Our one-bite canape recipes are tried and tested.

'And we've got a very happy ham,

'which makes the best Boxing Day sandwiches.

'And spicy bites from Thailand for an exotic Crimbo twist.

'All we need now are some devilish desserts.

'Not liquid ones like our vodka...

'But ones which brim with cream, sugar and chocolate.

'Now, we've got wind of a smart young pastry chef called Brett.

'He's already dusted the sugar in Michelin-starred kitchens.

'And we reckon he's just the ticket to give our party a sweet twist.

'Much to our surprise, the sweet treat tipoff

'has led us to a semi in Cheshire.

'Sometimes we're like culinary detectives,

'seeking gems to delight our tongues.'

Here we are, the Pastry King. It's not what I was expecting.

You can't judge a king by the size of his castle.

Apparently, this lad really is the cherry on top of the cake.

He's the fount of all knowledge for everything sweet and portable.

He's popular - look.

KNOCKING

-Brett!

-Hello.

-Hello. Dave, pleased to meet you.

-Pleased to meet you.

-Please come in.

-Brilliant.

How about this? "Stressed is desserts spelled backwards."

Pastry chefs are always stressed.

You do have a hunted look about you.

'In Brett's kitchen it's like the middle of service.

'He just can't stop baking.'

Panettone chocolate torte.

Hazelnut and milk chocolate cheesecake.

White chocolate cheesecake. Chocolate brownie with white chocolate mousse,

spray-painted with milk chocolate.

It is like Santa's grotto, just tucked away.

-There's some more in the fridge.

-Oh!

-Crumbs!

Oh, look at that.

-Oh, look at those.

-Just look at that, Si.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Bit of raspberry mousse with some Charlotte sponge.

Little charlottes.

I like a Charlotte. Tracys are not bad as well

-but these are particularly lovely.

-Would you like one?

What were you saying?

-Brilliant.

-Yeah?

-Good and bitter?

-Mm. That's great chocolate, Brett.

-Thank you.

The ingredient that gets Brett really excited is chocolate.

So no surprise that in the oven are some chocolate fondants.

And not satisfied with the gooey soft centre these have to offer,

Brett adds a topping.

What I'm going to do is

I'm quite literally just going to separate the two batches.

Mascarpone cream icing done two ways - light and dark.

That's quite heavy, with the mascarpone. It gives it some legs.

Yeah, it won't run as quickly as it would without the mascarpone.

So I've got a little star nozzle

and that goes into the bottom of my piping bag.

So...

And I'm just going to cut the tips off.

I'm getting the idea of this, now.

-It's two-tone chocolate ripple tops.

-It's brilliant, isn't it?

-Yeah.

This is the sort of thing everyone will want to have a go at.

-Yeah.

-I can't wait to see this.

With two piping bags, one full of chocolate and the other plain white icing,

you can create a Mr Whippy whirl.

Sprinkled with chocolate pearls.

-Cheers.

-Cheers. Chin-chin.

-Party on.

Chocolate!

They are incredible.

I think Dave and I have ridden into sweet Nirvana.

Perfect for our party menu!

'Now, one other little tipple

'has caught Dave's eye and nose and mouth's attention -

'a miniature trifle in a shot glass.

'I'm thinking these will be a real treat

'for our guests who like the classic touch in a pud.'

-Nice, isn't it?

-That's lovely.

The cake bit is a basic Genoese sponge recipe,

just eggs, sugar and flour.

Now, we know trifle needs custard.

And Brett's uses a classic creme anglaise,

laced with vanilla.

Oh, yeah.

The fruity bit is provided by a simple raspberry puree.

That's easier than opening a tin, man.

This is the bit I'm looking forward to.

And the one ingredient that says Christmas?

Now for some sherry.

-CORK POPS The sound of Christmas.

-Ah!

Just take a banana, peel it, cut nice little discs.

And all I need is a small cutter that fits nicely into my glass.

-I love chopping out.

-Sh!

So if you drop a sponge disc into each of those, please, chef.

Make the bottom a little bit boozy.

Not too much.

So if you can put in a bit of creme anglaise,

just the same thickness as the sponge.

Separate it by using a small slice of banana.

Just drop it with your knife

and then press them down.

This isn't as easy as it looks.

-Go down, go down.

-That's the style.

And now a little bit of raspberry.

What you learn from an artist is to be visual.

-Nice one, Kingy.

-Fantastic.

What do we need for the finishing touch?

-I've got some redcurrants that we can stick on top.

-Nice.

What about if we give everybody a sweet canape like that,

with a bit of sponge and a bit of banana,

put them in your mouth like that and we'll give them bottles as they come through the door

and they can go like that.

That's not the sort of party I want to go to.

Well, it was just a suggestion.

But fear not! Brett will come to the ball

and bring his sweet touch of class with him.

WOLF HOWLING

'Twas a dark and stormy night

and we're working late into the night to get everything done.

Just like two lovely Christmas elves.

Inspired by Brett,

we're going to create this tasty hand-held portable sweet treat.

It's like a little filo, chocolate filled roll,

dusted with icing sugar.

You carry a little pot of vanilla cream.

You dip it in and nibble and you feel fabulous.

It's the height of elegance.

It reminds one of those chocolate cigarettes you used to get

and feel dead grown up, which, of course, we don't advocate.

-Big reveal, dude!

-Whoo!

Filo pastry. It's crispy, it's flaky and it's fabulous

and it's already made.

Take your sheet of filo pastry and cut it into four.

Now we make with the melted butter.

HE WHISTLES

Take a spoonful of that well-known chocolate spread

that's made with nuts that we can't mention.

-# Nuts!

-Whole hazelnuts.

-Whoo! #

Make a little ribbon of that.

And that's the chocolate in your little cigarillo.

Turn that over, like so.

-Oh!

-I'll give it another little butter.

And roll it.

Make as many as you like to serve with the vanilla cream.

Now, the vanilla cream, it could not be simpler.

Lightly whip some cream.

You don't want it too firm.

And all you then do is take half a teaspoon of vanilla bean paste,

a dessert spoon of caster sugar.

And then what we're going to do is fold the sugar and the vanilla

into the cream.

If you can't find little plastic measures in a shop,

nick 'em from your granny's pill cupboard.

-Look at them, mate.

-Oh, fantastic.

Now we need to brush those with butter prior to baking.

Now, look, man, we never said it was going to be a healthy party, did we?

Ten minutes, 200 degrees Celsius, satisfaction guaranteed.

Look at them - they're crispy, they're full of butter

and inside, they've got that wonderful chocolate spread.

Now, they need to cool.

Why is it, every time we have a party,

we're always stuck here cooking in the middle of the night?

-That's what we do.

-Aye. Nocturnal baking.

Go on, mate, let's have the snow.

# Sleigh bells ring, are you listening?

# Da-da der, da-da der-der

# Da-da-da der, da-da-da der

# Walking in winter wonderland

# Hi, ho... # How nice does that look?

-It looks lovely.

-Yeah.

Even though it's the middle of the night,

that's exciting.

These look super.

Ooh, I'll just take a pot. I believe that's what I have to do.

Phwoar.

-These are gorgeous.

-A little sweet treat for Christmas.

OWL HOOTS

'It's party day and Santa's arrived early for us.

'With time marching on, I'm glad Noah's Ark has reversed into our clearing.'

-I'm starting to feel Christmassy.

-Come on! Yay!

REVVING NOISES

-I'm sorry, but that looks wrong.

-Ho, ho, ho!

He doesn't look that Christmassy to me.

These elves look dead realistic, don't they?

'Some other very real elves are a few of our lovely guests

'from past shows.

'They've arrived early at party HQ to help us cook the yummy recipes

'that we've tried and tasted for our final party menu.

'Just like the Wise Men,

'this fabulous gang have come bearing Christmas treats from their homelands.

'A wintry Hungarian stew, Scandinavian ginger biscuits

'and a fresh Jamaican salad.

'These elves have cooked with us before, so they know what to expect - the unexpected!

'And our final, very special canapes are just that.'

We've reinvented the vol-au-vent.

I know it's a timeless classic but our vol-au-vents are special.

They're square and you can get more on a plate.

The fab thing about this nibble from the ancient times of '70s partying

is that you can use ready-made puff pastry.

Now, what you want to do is to just score a square on the inside,

which will become the lid and the puffed-up bit

in order to put your filling.

But we want the edges to be really flaky, so you need to rough it up.

So armed with our vol-au-vent top tips,

the little elves get to work on cutting the bases

and roughing up the edges.

Just pop those into a preheated oven, round about 200 degrees Celsius

for ten minutes, until they're puffed up like a proud penguin.

That's what they look like when they come out the oven.

That leaves you with a lovely little cavity

with which to fill with loveliness.

I've got chicken, which has been poached.

Tarragon, a drop of white wine.

And a big dollop of Mr King's wonderfully infused white sauce.

And I've some prawns, some smoked haddock,

a little bit of parsley and another dollop of this lovely white sauce.

'Now, our white sauce has been infused with thyme and bay leaves.

'And then for a little luxury, made silky smooth with creme fraiche.

'Giving your filling just the right texture to glue your vol-au-vent together.

'So avoiding a culinary party disaster

'over your auntie's best frock.'

They're so much lighter than the bought variety.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

While you're cracking on with this lot,

Dave and I are going to decorate the tent

because we've got a lot to do.

HE QUACKS

Oh!

-We're going to have to put weights on these. Sandbags.

-Yeah.

-Ah, not again!

-HE SIGHS

-There's a lot to do, dude.

-Oh, what a hell of a mess.

-What's that penguin doing on the table?

-Are there brakes on this?

These things are breeding. There was only three when we started.

With Dave fretting about the penguin population rising,

I'm just hoping his blood pressure doesn't go the same way.

One job I know we need to finish is straining and bottling this gorgeous Christmas pudding vodka.

I'm just checking the list, Si.

We don't need a choir. We've got surprises.

Drink - we've got that.

Canapes - I think so.

Helpers. Have we got enough helpers?

HE SIGHS

There's a lot of decorations.

We can't just leave everything like this.

What are we going to do with the sleigh and the Christmas trees?

You'll just have to deal with that in a minute.

In a minute. HE SNORES

NIGHTMARISH MUSIC

EVIL LAUGHTER

-Up the tree! Up the tree!

-Boo-hoo-hoo!

Up the tree! Up the tree!

I can't do it!

Up the tree! Up the tree!

No, no!

SOBBING

Ugh! Up the tree!

-Are you all right?

-Oh, I'm fine, thanks.

What a nightmare. I just had all my worst Christmases come together in a oner.

You were a big fairy. I was Santa and my reindeer died.

Me big boots, I couldn't get them on.

The balls were bigger than the tree. Kingy, it was horrible.

-Have we got a fairy?

-I'm trying to put it on top of the tree

because you're asleep!

'Oh, thankfully, our fairy is also a guardian angel.

-'And she's checked out our party day list, too.

-From top to bottom.'

Hold on!

'Back at the kitchen tent, Brett's arrived with his desserts

'and he's already busy finishing off the chocolate fondants.

'Plus the shot-glass sherry trifles

'and in the true spirit of a good party,

'it's all hands on deck.

'Abdul's canape of turkey vindaloo looks like a steaming pan of Christmas cheer, doesn't it?

'And those little bamboo cones are really working a treat

'to help us busy party planners to impress.

'For all the recipes, including our booze-free apple punch...

'Go to:

-How are you getting on?

-Very good.

-Let's have a look.

-Oh, fantastic.

Look at these. The ploughman's are looking good, aren't they?

They're little canapes of loveliness.

Wow! # Nuts, macadamia nuts - whoo! #

-Oh, yeah - that nice mix.

-Beautiful.

-Well done, guys. That's fantastic.

Kingy, the luge is here. The iceman cometh.

Right.

One, two, three...

HE CHORTLES A Christmas tree!

-Yes!

-Yes!

Oh, it's beautiful - look.

Vodka goes in...

And pleasure comes out.

-Happy days.

-It's coming together, Kingy.

We've got tables, chairs, candelabras, polar bears.

-The band's getting ready.

-All we need now is guests.

And food!

'Us and the kitchen elves are merry in our final task,

'the big one - loading the table with our party grub.

'In true Biker fashion,

'we make the table legs creak with Christmas loveliness.

'Our travels around the country have given us a spread

'that's fit not just for party night but any night over Christmas.

'Whether you need to rustle up nibbles for a drinks party

'or just add a sweet twist to a dinner...

'We hope you can get in the kitchen and smile with some of these party snack ideas.

'Because you know - Christmas isn't just one day.

-'I reckon we're all set, Mr King.

-Indeed, Mr Myers.'

Missionary's in the pot. I think he's ready for guests.

-Hi!

-Hello, darling.

-Hello.

-Hello, darling.

Hiya! CHEERING

-Hello.

-Hello, darling.

LAUGHTER

'It's wonderful to see the lovely people from our programmes past ready to party.

'Going back to Food Tour and beyond - chefs, mums,

'people we have cooked with, laughed with, people who are mates.'

And they've all turned out with a good heart.

That's what Christmas spirit is about.

And that's what parties and good food should do -

brings together people in that spirit of love and, well, Christmas.

-It's brilliant, man.

-We'd better go and be hosts.

-I think we should. After you, sir.

-I thank you.

North Pole, that way.

# It's Christmas!#

They're egg and bacon and that's a full ploughman's lunch in a pie.

-So what do you think of those?

-They're lovely.

-They're delicious. Really lovely.

-Have a canape, mate.

-Thank you.

You did a good job, there, mate.

Right, let's christen the vodka luge.

CHEERING

-Are you ready?

-Julie, pass me your glass.

-The trick is...

-You're spilling some.

-I can't help it. Go on, Jules.

-All right.

What do you reckon?

Oh, that is unbelievable.

-Cheers, boys!

-Cheers!

CHEERING AND CHATTER

Any chance of a drop for the engine room?

Last one down! CHEERING

-Ooh!

-What's just the thing to chase down your Christmas pudding vodka?

-A vindaloo cone.

-Bring it on!

-Go on!

We are being spoilt here.

-Vindaloo cone.

-I'm going to stay here with the vodka luge.

-They're really good.

-Come on.

-What's the matter with you?

-Just try those chocolate fondants.

-Mm!

Heaven.

-Mm!

-He's good, isn't he?

-Yes!

'With the nibbling in full swing and the luge giving everyone that warm Christmas feeling...

'We thought it was time to turn up the heat...

'From filo roll to rock and roll.'

The one, the only...

-Roy Wood!

-CHEERING

MUSIC: # "I wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day

# When the snowman brings the snow

# Well he just might like to know

# He's put a great big smile on somebody's face

# So if Santa brings that sleigh All along the Milky Way

# I'll sign my name on the rooftop in the snow

# Then he may decide to stay

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day... #

-What was that like, man?

-Awesome.

The thing about a party is, it gets you in the mood for Christmas.

It does and I tell you what, I think we've pulled it off.

We have. Everybody loved the food. They loved the entertainment.

Listen to that party.

That's how to throw a Christmas party.

And I've lost me voice and it's not even halfway through.

-Well, merry Christmas from us.

-Merry Christmas from us.

Come on!

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Whoa, oh

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

# So let the bells ring out for Christmas

# Why don't you

# Give your love

# For Christmas? #

CHEERING

All together!

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, oh

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

# So let the bells ring out

# For Christmas! #

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