Jo Brand A Taste of My Life

Welcome to A Taste Of My Life, dishing up famous lives on a plate.

Like DNA, by analysing the food of one's life,

a truly revealing portrait of who we are starts to emerge,

so I'm turning back the culinary clock on yet another famous life.

Today's guest is a memorable face from the alternative comedy scene.

I'll move the microphone stand as you won't be able to see me otherwise(!)

She carved a name for herself as someone not afraid to state her mind about pretty much anything.

Inside every fat person is a thin person trying to get out.

Cos we've just eaten one!

Having had huge success as a provocative stand-up comic, she's started to mellow a bit.

-Because you see me on the telly shooting my mouth off.

-Yeah.

But I'm not really like that.

I thought you were going to be really horrible, you two.

And you are, so...

Today's guest is comedienne Jo Brand. And coming up today...

'Jo Brand's mum reveals how Jo used to eat meat as a small girl.'

You'd give her the piece of roast meat, she'd chew it and tuck it into a pouch at the side.

'Jo's mate Harry Hill shares in some peculiar childhood memories.'

Remember at school when you used to steal my packed lunch?

'And challenges Jo to bake a cake impersonating the singer Morrissey.'

Unfortunately, Jo's had to go, and I'm Morrissey.

'And Jo reveals what life holds in store post-stand-up.'

I'll probably try and win Strictly Come Dancing. I want a thin bloke to try and throw me up in the air.

-Jo, welcome to Taste Of My Life.

-Thank you.

-You were born in London. You've got brothers?

-Two brothers. I'm the middle one.

-What sort of little girl were you? Sweet and well-behaved?

I was quite well-behaved, but that was more because my parents were incredibly strict. We were held down.

-What were Mum and Dad like?

-My dad was an engineer and my mum was a housewife.

It wasn't until I was 10 or 11 that my mum trained as a social worker and was basically never seen again!

-Was it traditional cooking?

-Very.

It was very rare that she would put something in front of us and I would run off and cry and vomit.

My mum will kill me for telling this story, but I don't care. This wasn't me. This was my elder brother.

She'd spent ages making some hideous dish for him and he just looked at it and went, "Oh, no, thanks."

She just put it on top of his head.

-Were there any favourite dishes?

-We had a lot of instant whip in our house, pretty much five days a week.

-Favourite flavour?

-Butterscotch.

-It's the best.

-Yes, gorgeous.

'At its simplest, butterscotch is made with melted butter, brown sugar and cream.

'Heat slowly until all the ingredients dissolve.'

I remember thinking as a kid, "When I get older, I'll buy a whole one,

"make it up and eat the whole lot!"

-I've done it.

-And?

-It says, "Serves four." Lie!

You'd get this little splodge and think, "That's nowhere near enough!"

When I was a kid, we started off with blancmange and then we ended up with instant whip.

-Did you have blancmange at school?

-Yes, pink.

-And lumpy.

-With a thick skin on it.

-It was vile!

'A mousse can be whisked or blended, depending on what you do with it.

'It'll either be smooth and creamy or light and airy. This is an extra-rich mousse with added cream.

'Fold in the egg whites using a metal spoon in a figure of eight.'

Salads would be lettuce, tomato and cucumber.

And if she was being exotic, celery.

My mum would make something she called "winter salad", but it was coleslaw without any mayonnaise.

-So it was...

-Cabbage.

-Cabbage, onion, grated carrot.

-A do-it-yourself coleslaw.

-Yeah.

I put loads of vinegar on cos I loved vinegar.

I went to a Church Of England school, so I knew the Bible back to front.

You know that story when Jesus is on the cross and they hand him up a sponge soaked in vinegar?

It implied that it was a cruel thing to do and I thought, "That's great!"

-"What a treat!"

-Yes, really!

'When making vinaigrette, you could add shallots, fresh herbs, garlic, mustard or honey.'

-I'm very picky about coleslaw and how crunchy it is.

-It can be so horrid. It's got to be crunchy.

It has cos you get that horrible kind of gloopy, sort of slightly...

-It's like wet hair.

-Yes, it is like wet hair and that's horrid.

'Coleslaw is of Dutch origin, "kool" meaning "cabbage", "sla" meaning "salad".'

-I know I can interest you in a little pudding.

-You certainly can. That looks gorgeous.

-That's heavenly.

-Completely heavenly.

-It was a relief to have this at home, compared to school blancmange.

Because it had that wretched skin.

We had to clean our plates, so I swapped it with a boy from the caravan site who ate everything!

-I love the sound of him.

-Got me out of trouble.

-Every school should have one. "Eat my blancmange skin!"

LAUGHTER While everyone's laughing, I'll have three more!

-Is it right that you went to church?

-Yes, but I got out of it by volunteering to be a bell-ringer.

-You know that furry bit on it?

-Yeah.

-The handle, as I used to call it!

I can't remember what it is actually called!

If you miss that, all hell lets loose.

This guy said, "Can you hold this for a minute?"

I put my hand up and I went about 20 feet up in the air, came down, landed on someone and nearly killed them!

-Did you get on with your brothers?

-I got on with them...ish.

I have memories of one of my brothers trod in a wasps' nest.

They ran one way, I ran the other way, the wasps followed them and stung them to bits. I was so happy!

Jo, was it a happy home?

My parents didn't stay together in the end and I think there were a few rumblings of it not going too well,

but I think most parents hide that fairly successfully.

-I've got a little message for you.

-Have you?

-Yes.

-It's not my dad, is it?

'Jo's mum will make the mince and onion pie of Jo's childhood.'

When Jo was a little girl, this was her favourite lunch.

She tells me we used to eat it on a Saturday.

She had a difficulty when she was first learning to eat solid food.

-Here we go!

-She could never manage roast meat.

You'd give her the little piece of roast meat, she'd chew it,

-then she'd tuck it into a pouch at the side.

-Oh, God!

You knew she was carrying on eating her lunch, but still retaining...

I reckon she was the model child. Her school reports were lovely.

People were always pleased to see her. She was very sweet-tempered.

The first real complete sentence she ever said, somebody gave her a sweet and she replied,

"And one for Billy too," her elder brother. That sums her up as a little girl.

She always looked very sweet. She looked great in her Brownie uniform.

-What kind of teenager was she?

-That's a different story!

She'd always been a child who had wanted to please you,

but it was almost inevitable that there would be changes and she did rebel and roust about.

I almost never, ever watch her live

because she loves to be heckled.

The heckler is a real gift to her.

But, for me, I'm driven to anger if people are rotten to her.

It's like watching your child go off the top of the diving board.

You don't want to look as you don't want anything to happen to them.

I'm immensely proud of her. I love the fact that she will not be swayed by what is required of women.

I believe kindness to be the greatest of all the virtues and Jo is very kind.

-Now, Mum's pie...

-Yum-yum!

So this was a big Saturday treat?

It was a big great. It was a very regular one as well that...

-Are you having that one?

-Yeah.

Showing off was extremely discouraged in our house.

-My parents would've been glad of it. I hid in a corner. I pretended I wasn't there.

-You sound lovely!

Look at the different sizes! Have you calculated my calorie intake and gone, "I'll give her twice mine"?

Mum's told us you rebelled a little.

I can't remember how conscious it was but I got in with the worst group

and then, of course, the inevitable unsavoury boyfriend who was a local drug dealer.

I would wait until they had gone to sleep, I'd get out the window in the garage and go to the pub.

I'd come back in drunk and occasionally I fell on the bonnet of the car.

They hated the way that I dressed.

My dad took all my clothes down to the garden, poured petrol over them, set fire to them

and burnt every item of clothing.

In the end, they said, "Get rid of him or leave home." That was the opportunity I'd been looking for.

Presumably, you weren't exactly eating well at that point?

No, when I left home, I certainly wasn't.

I had this very chaotic life really. I was in a bedsit.

-I just ate rubbish, you know.

-Kebabs and beans and stuff?

Yeah, anything that was easy - a tin of soup...

'So with virtually nothing sensible on Jo's menu as a teenager,

'here's how to make a student dish healthily - baked beans.

'When making your bean sauce, add spices, but also throw in some brown sugar.

'Or use black strap molasses.

'I'm using haricot beans, but you could try black-eyed beans.

'Throw in spices like cumin or paprika

'or you could go hotter with chillis for a Mexican flavour.'

When you're a teenager, although you know to some extent, if your parents have brought you up that way,

-that you should eat vegetables and you should eat...

-Green things.

At that point in your life, you just...

'Another dish out of a tin. Well, not necessarily.

'Tomato and pepper soup is a colourful dish to make and is incredibly good for you.

'Roasting the tomatoes and peppers intensifies the flavour.

'Make sure you add herbs like thyme

'or you could use rosemary or oregano and cover in olive oil.

'Blackened peppers give this dish a lovely smoky flavour.

'Did you know the Elizabethans were wary of tomatoes and peppers?

'Their redness was seen as a sign of danger.

'Jo Brand's taste of youth - a healthy tomato and pepper soup,

'a kebab from down the road and some fish and chips.'

-You did rebel clothes-wise?

-I did. I used to wear...

-You know that patchouli perfume that you can smell from two miles?

-And smells like health food shops?

Yes, but also a bit of...there's a dead rabbit in your knicks as well.

I burnt my bra - heated a small village in Scotland for two weeks!

-Were they quite worried?

-They used to come looking for me regularly.

-Where would they find you?

-In a pub.

My dad would go in one door as I came out the other cos I had a lot of lookouts!

-You were in the smoke room and he was in the lounge?

-Yeah.

I got grassed up by my Auntie Reenie once cos she caught me drinking vodka with about six hippies!

'Still to come, Jo Brand is challenged to make a cake dressed as the singer Morrissey

'by friend and comic, Harry Hill.'

Really...

'Jo's best buddy Jane remembers their college days, making a curry.'

Very mischievous in many ways that I couldn't repeat.

'Jo shares her thoughts on the opposite sex.'

Quite a few blokes say to me, "You hate men, don't you?" I go, "No, I don't, but I hate you!"

What sort of friend are you?

Having been a psychiatric nurse, I'm a good listener. I think that's very important.

So many of my female friends, including myself, had appalling relationships with appalling men.

It's very difficult not to go, "Let's just go round his house and kill him with a rolling pin!"

-I've caught up with one of your friends.

-Oh, dear.

'Jo's college friend Jane will take us back to their student days at Brunel University.'

I will make a vegetable curry.

A very fun time. We had a brilliant time at Brunel.

There was about eight men to every woman. It was...interesting times.

There was quite a lot of beer on our menu.

Jo was great, real life and soul of the party.

Such a laugh, very mischievous in many ways that I couldn't possibly repeat on camera at all!

When Jo qualified as a psychiatric nurse, she went on quite quickly to work in a unit in the Maudsley,

the Emergency Clinic, which gives you a clue!

It's really, really stressful and people don't last long in that job,

but Jo managed it amazingly at the same time as beginning out on the circuit,

so I suppose tolerating abuse and hostility, it was a seamless kind of pathway.

I remember when Jo started off on the circuit, I was pathetic.

I just used to go along and have my hands over my face, kind of crouched down,

thinking, "I can't bear it!"

But very proud, obviously, of her courage.

It was a really rough old world, starting off on the circuit then.

I think that shines through all of it - Jo's integrity

as just as a really warm, generous, kind person.

None of this is true, you know.

And vulnerable at times with it.

-It might be

-BLEEP

-cos I wasn't really concentrating on what I was doing.

Are you allowed to say that on the telly...? Thank you.

A lack of portion control going on here. Look at this!

But meat in curry can be a bit kind of gristly and...

"Oh, look, they put its ear in!" Do you know what I mean?

-Or eyes?

-Or nostrils?

-Have I convinced you, Nigel?

-You have.

'Having spent five years as a psychiatric nurse,

'Jo finally took the plunge into the world of stand-up in the late '80s.'

With stand-up, do your best joke first, your second best joke last and put the rubbish in the middle.

That's what they tend to remember. I used to wear a white T-shirt

and just before they announced me on, I'd put a blood capsule in my mouth.

I'd cough blood all over this white T-shirt and go, "Must give up smoking."

I thought that was hysterical.

Was there ever a point that you realised that you were a success?

I suppose that the markers were my first telly which was Friday Night Live.

I was on with The Pogues and Mark Thomas.

The Pogues had a fight which was par for the course.

The sound of smashing furniture. "Oh, showbiz, I've arrived!"

Did you find that what you were eating, did it change at all?

We would go to nice restaurants and I'm so rubbish at experimenting,

me kind of ordering the sort of traditional prawn cocktail,

-fillet steak type thing.

-Yeah.

That was the meal you would have in Abigail's Party.

But I love all that food, so I couldn't care less really.

Exactly. It's all so delicious.

'Season both sides of your steak and fillet steaks like this one are less flavoursome than other cuts,

'so making a sauce is generally quite a good idea.

'Allow your steak to rest a few minutes before serving. Resting it will guarantee it's juicier.

'Use the leftover juices when preparing the sauce.'

I did the Edinburgh Festival a lot and went to posh restaurants

and looking at the menu, thinking, "What's the least horrible thing I can have?"

I remember at one restaurant pigeon being the least worst option,

so ordering that and it was revolting.

I was depressed cos I was bloody hungry. "What's for pudding? Oh, a mint leaf with a block of ice!"

I love those parties where you get little things with mini burgers in them or little fish and chips.

-Yeah.

-But you have to garner about 12 of them to have a proper meal!

'I'm making a morel mushroom and wine sauce,

'but you could try a bearnaise, peppercorn or hollandaise sauce.'

-This is a nice thing.

-Very nice. Is that cooked right for you?

Hmm... Yes, I think so.

You did your first performance after a few pints. Would you still have done it if you hadn't got drunk?

-Probably not.

-I would've run away.

-If you were drunk, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't have cared and you couldn't have run!

When your career first started, you were portrayed in the press as a man-hater.

I am a man-hater. That was correct!

Quite a few blokes say to me, "You hate men, don't you?" And I go, "No, I don't, but I hate you!"

They never see it coming.

Over the years, people have become very fond of Jo Brand.

Probably because I've got older and they realise I couldn't knock them out in a fist fight any more!

There's a lot of stuff around, now I've got married...

"Phew, I'm not a lesbian after all, a man-hating separatist, feminist one at that,

"who travels on the tube with my drill looking for men's testicles!"

-You're almost a national treasure.

-I'd rather be a national disgrace.

Michael Parkinson said I was a national treasure, at which point I had to wee on him!

-You like a challenge.

-All my life has been a challenge. Are you going to give me one I'm going to regret?

-It's not my challenge, but I caught up with a mate of yours.

-Oh, dear.

Hello, Jo.

It's me, your old friend, Harry Hill. Do you remember at school

when you used to steal my packed lunch and eat it, and that fight we had over a Penguin biscuit?

So I hear you're doing this show, A Taste Of My Life.

They've asked me to give you a challenge.

I'm a big fan of Morrissey and you're a big fan of cakes.

-At least, you used to be.

-Thanks, Harry!

I'd like you to make me a cake, bake me a cake, but do it dressed as Morrissey.

Would you do that for me, Jo? Hmm, yum-yum! Cake!

It's a lie about the packed lunch.

-Are you up for that?

-Making a cake dressed as Morrissey?

-Yeah.

-Go on.

Unfortunately, Jo's had to go, and I'm Morrissey.

-Harry Hill's challenge.

-Yeah, thanks, Harry, you're a mate(!)

So, some butter and some sugar. You give it a whizz with that.

-Ready then?

-I'm ready.

-I'm going to go on to turbo.

-How did you know that was turbo?

-It says "turbo" on it!

-You are coming unstuck.

-Me leg's fallen off!

I'll just do single turbo. Sorry. Come here, you naughty little lumps!

That lump's a bit naughty.

-You said that anger when you're on stage is better than indifference from the audience.

-Definitely.

I don't like the psycho murderer, "I'd like you strung up and beaten by the soles of the feet" heckle.

I knew I'd get heckled and it wouldn't be, "You're so beautiful, will you be my wife?"

So I had a kind of pre-prepared set of heckle put-downs,

which went from kind of whimsical to nuclear.

It's a bit tamer these days. It's very rare that you get this crowd

of drunken Neanderthal apes, unless you go to Nottingham!

-You're there now. I'll do the rest by hand.

-Hello, Nottingham!

-I'm impressed. Shall we have some colour?

-Red is crushed-up beetles

and green is a sample from the local hospital.

Which one are we going to add?

-Lovely. Vampire cake.

-That looks great, doesn't it?

-You're still rebelling.

-I can't help it. I am a teenager.

-That is gorgeous.

-Will that do, Nige? Do you want individual, obsessional Smartie placing?

-Or scatter-gun, Jackson Pollock Smartie placing?

-Jackson Pollock.

-I quite enjoyed that actually cos they go in with a really...

-It's so satisfying, it's so satisfying.

Oops!

-Jane Asher would be proud of that.

-Jane Asher would be jealous.

-She would be jealous.

It's beautiful, Nigel. Beautiful.

# Happy birthday to you... #

-It's quite tacky as well. There you go.

-For Harry.

-Harry would like that.

-He would.

-Mm-hm.

-Well done.

'Time for Jo Brand's final feast.'

Your final feast - what's that?

-That's beef with a coat on.

-Oh, the Beef Wellington!

'Fry your fillet in hot oil and fry it very quickly in order to brown your meat without drying it.

'Smother the meat in mustard.

'Blitz your mushrooms till finely chopped.

'And I'm adding thyme and parsley to the pate.

'Cool your meat before laying it on the pastry.

'Cover the meat with the mushroom pate, wrap it in your pastry

'and once you've popped it in the oven, you can serve a Beef Wellington either hot or cold.'

Oh, hurrah for the old working-class prawn cocktail!

Looks lovely, doesn't it?

'Prawn cocktail - I'm using langoustines for this one.

'If you cook them alive, pop them in the freezer to anaesthetise them.

'Making mayonnaise - make sure your ingredients are at room temperature.

'Lemon juice is good and stops the avocados from browning.

'I'm using tarragon vinegar, but a plain white wine vinegar is good. This is Jo Brand's final feast.'

What do you think about, looking back through what you've eaten?

When I look back through the food that I've chosen, I'm probably quite a dull person food-wise.

-But that doesn't bother me.

-As well as your TV work, you've written three novels, you play the organ.

"Ish." My repertoire is only about 37 seconds long.

I'm trying to extend it, so I could do a short wedding.

-Is there anything you'd like to have done?

-I'd quite like to be Prime Minister.

That probably is slightly hard work,

so if I don't go into politics, I'll try and win Strictly Come Dancing.

-I fancy a thin bloke trying to throw me up in the air!

-Look at you!

-This is your final feast!

-I know, but I love vegetables,

which is politically unacceptable for a fat person.

-Anything you've done that you regret or anything you regret not doing?

-I've done lots of appalling things.

-But I'm not telling you what they are.

-Tell me later.

-All right.

I don't suppose I'll be able to say I regret anything until I'm about to die and hopefully that's not now!

What's the best bit of everything that you've done over the years?

When I won Miss World in 1971, I'm pleased with that(!)

-Have you enjoyed today?

-I have immensely. I'm a bit hungry still.

-You have a little bit left to eat.

-I've had a fantastic time.

-Jo Brand, thank you very much for being a guest on Taste Of My Life.

-Cheers.

-To you.

-I forgot to tell you I was a vegetarian!

-Oh!

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2008

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