Episode 2 Floyd on Food

The most wonderful thing about Floyd programmes

is you often meet a much better class of person.

So why, if you've got nothing to do,

won't you just tune in to your television set

and see how you can make friends and influence pigs?

So, my little gastronauts, you think you know what a pig is, don't you?

Oh, Richard, sorry I am talking to the punters, all right ?

Would you mind looking at me? Thank you very much. Right.

Today we are talking about pigs,

I bet you there's not one in ten of you that knows what a real pig is,

because you accept the real rubbish that the breeders

of their injected, bloated, plastic-style factory-made pigs

pass off as pork. Come back down here, Richard,

I have got a real piece of pig.

Look at that thick fat there,

look at that little line of gristle under there,

which makes the crackling. Look very close here, this is still rough,

you could sandpaper the window ledges with this

and that would make the mustard and salt and things to stick on there

to get the crackling on a proper roast joint that you want.

But as I said, most of you are such fools.

You put up with the rubbish of supermarkets, hypermarkets,

and pig breeders, you don't realise that here on Heale's Farm in Devon,

you can get fabulous pig.

Enough of that, that is my lesson, my lecture, we're going to cook it,

But before I cook it, it is very hot,

the lights had been burning on me all morning...

A sip of cider from a field right outside this kitchen window.

And here is an interesting thing about this dish.

Not only is it simple to make, of pork, but, look at the ingredients,

because it's significant. They all come from the same field.

The pig lives off the apples, which, incidentally,

I have turned into a smooth apple puree there, by the way.

In the adjoining field, there is a cow

from which they made the milk, from which they made the cream.

The apples are also turned into cider.

The only foreign thing here is, that we couldn't make it ourselves,

because it's against the law, we distilled cider to make calvados

and then we have butter, also from the farm.

Foreign salt and pepper. Right, that is it, come on, over here, please.

This is the frying pan, this is for Richard's benefit,

he is our new cameraman. He is still feeling his way a bit.

No! Stay over here! Right. Come on!

Into the pan, a little bit of pork, like that.

Stay with that, while I wander around.

And a teeny-weeny bit of butter, notice the pan is hot already,

as I always do.

Seal it quickly on both sides.

Because this is a real pig that has not been fed on additives

and alleged nutrients and things like that, it is going to be tender

and very, very delicious.

That is too hot, so put that over there

and let that cook away for a while,

while I have a little slurp.

Great, so you see the pork is nicely cooked now.

Now, we add a little drop of calvados, like that.

Push it over on to the hotter of the two gases,

immediately lift out the pork, because that is lightly undercooked,

although it's crunchy on the outside, we don't want it to stew in the liquid.

Then a bit of cider into the calvados, meat drippings...

..stirred like that and now using the magical ...

Richard, could you come to me a second, please.

Using those magical mixes we have on television,

the next time you see this, the sauce will have reduced,

five minutes will have gone by and the dish will be continued.

Perfect, isn't it?

MUSIC: 'THE SUN HAS GOT HIS HAT ON'.

# The sun has got his hat on, Hip, hip, hip, hooray...

# All the little boys excited, All the little girls delighted,

# What a lot of fun for everyone, Sitting in the sun all day... #

So, there you see, that's reduced to almost a syrupy constituency now,

the calvados and the cider, in we put a spoonful,

I should think, of this beautiful apple puree,

stir that in, well into the juices. At the same time,

pour in this lovely Devon double cream,

stir round, test for seasoning.

Oh, ah! Ah! Come here a minute, Richard.

That is absolutely brilliant, I am really sorry

that none of you will taste this, you'll have to take my word. Fantastic.

Over to the plate, over to the plate, beautifully liaised,

pour that gently over,

like that and there you have a dish

that is called Pork Normande.

In fact, we shall call this Pork, Heale Farm style,

because it's the ingredients of the calvados countryside

in northern France you can find here in Devon.

Since I am such a brilliant cook, first-class ingredients,

there it is, Pork, Heale Farm style,

fantastic, I'm going to eat it.

Do you know, I am a lucky fellow.

As we charge around the countryside with Floyd and the BBC,

who very kindly don't pay for the things that we have,

because we have to beg and borrow and steal, even the kitchens we use,

the hotels, the restaurants and stuff, we con our way in,

like with Ann's kitchen here, this beautiful 13th century farmhouse.

Which has got oak beams, probably the same oak

that Drake used for his ships for the Armada

and also, Ann breeds the kind of pigs and make the kind of hams

that probably Drake himself would have eaten.

Ancient breeds, collectors' items, the antique pig,

that's what we are here looking at today.

Ann, do you think the vast plethora of piggy products

that you have got around the place really does prove the point

that a well-butchered pig leaves nothing but the grunt, doesn't it?

I think you've proved that point, we have even used the grunt today!

We have taken it a bit over the top in a way, perhaps.

I enjoyed meeting them in the field. They are very friendly things.

They can't be pets, but they've got this lovely warm feeling.

They have. They're terrific personalities.

Some are more attractive than others, but in the main, they're super.

Why are you taking agricultural history back a hundred years?

When we've got all these splendid ways, they tell us,

of farming without getting muddy,

of farming without getting wet or cold. You're up to your neck in it!

We work from the ideal product backwards.

We thought, "What ought to be in a sausage? Well, proper meat."

That's what we have done.

We've experimented, gone back to our recipes.

I'm going to tuck in, by the way. Have a chunk, yes.

That ham was cooked with Devon cider and spices and orange peel,

which is an ancient recipe.

and we find that everybody loves it.

Out of all the Floyd food programmes, people write and say,

"It's well for you, you have all this expensive food,

"we haven't really got the money to indulge ourselves,

"in the way that I appear to be doing." Isn't it so,

that if you use real produce, which is a little bit more expensive,

you will not get the weight loss in cooking? Take bacon, for example,

the stuff you get often, it doesn't fry, it boils.

It has been injected with so much water,

that if you weighed the cooked product, it is very expensive.

Anyway, I am getting a bit bored with this TV bit.

We have been as good as gold, answering and asking questions,

explaining country life, we've told them about pigs,

we've told them about how crackling was invented, why don't we just ignore them?

I'll tell you what, the best way...

..to cheer ourselves up is have a drop of the proper Devon cider.

And forget that they ever existed.

When does your husband come home? In about three hours time.

Come on, own up, this programme's got everything!

A rerun from Animal Farm, a terrific performance by Napoleon there,

good on you, Nap! It's wonderfully witty archive footage, style,

elegance and taste, in fact, it's an everyday story of television folk! Ha, ha, ha!

I reckon that's enough commentary, don't you?

The producer's love affair with our stormy coastline continues.

Thank heavens, it's too rough to go to sea, or he'd have me

doing the shopping for the next scene by boat. 'Attention all shopping,

'especially Sainsbury's, Safeway's and Tesco's.'

And now back to Floyd on food and let's see

if I can con a kipper for breakfast.

Hi, Martin, nice to see you. Hello, Keith.

You know I've come for the stuff for Mary Flynn and it's in here.

That is right, shall I get it out? Yes, that would be terrific.

Now, a-ha! I think she wanted some kippers, didn't she?

She did indeed. Hey, is that a real kipper? That's a real kipper.

Why isn't it bright orange or yellow? We haven't used any colour.

Look at that, this is the beginning of the Floyd campaign

for real kippers, OK?

Jack the Ripper as she was born,

not a golden smoked thing with nasty chemicals in.

Brilliant. There we are. Great, thank you very much.

Come on in, Richard, we want to see into this oven.

Is it called an oven or a smoker. What's the proper term?

It is a kiln. It's a smoking kiln. Right.

Here is what I like the look of very much,

this is a smoked herring of some kind,

but different to the others. It is a buckling.

Instead of being done without heat,

these have been cooked in the same way as the mackerel have.

So, they are ready to eat as they are.

This is a delicacy in Scandinavia and Germany.

That is correct. Yeah, delicious.

You could eat that with some soured cream with chives chopped in it,

or some horseradish sauce, slightly weakened with cream.

Now, Mary wanted some trout. Grand.

What else do we have here? I also have an eel.

A monster eel.

A fresh-water eel. Isn't he smashing?

Yes, he is. The colours are slightly different here.

Can you change the colour with the texturing of the wood?

What happens there?

Yes, if we want a darker colour, we can use more soft wood,

though we don't want to use too much, obviously. Right.

Oak is the prime, or apple,

but availability and the mix required to get the colour.

So like a painter, you mix the pigments and colour the thing.

That's right. Right, a smaller one. A smaller one.

Now, did you want a salmon?

I think Mary wanted a salmon.

For those who can afford it, that is delightful. Isn't that beautiful?

Smashing fish. Good-oh.

We also have some trout in the same way, which is

they're large trout which we smoke like salmon.

Which, I think, Mary's got already. Right. Now...

Bit of bacon, cos I'm going to stuff a cabbage

and I wanted some really good smoked bacon.

I could actually eat that raw, couldn't I?

That's beautiful. I think you might cook it, but you could, certainly, in some places.

Yeah. That is delightful.

That's going into my stuffed cabbage later on.

And... The cold-smoked mackerel fillet.

Right. This is rather fun.

It's a mackerel fillet smoked in the same way as that.

You slice it in thin slices and eat it as it is.

I'm overcome with hunger here - sorry about this.

That is beautiful.

That's a triumph, isn't it? It's lovely.

Mm! Have a go at those, damned good.

And that about...

Smoked chicken and pheasant, of course,

which you've already got, haven't you?

Yes, we have. But that's what it would come out like.

This is a chicken that has been smoked and cooked

and slightly salted so that it's a firmer texture than you would

normally expect from chicken.

What a golden, natural feast that is.

That's splendid. I've got right into colours.

Id like to be a painter, you see, but who needs to be a painter

when you can prepare food like that? Absolutely fabulous.

And just have a look, I can't emphasise how beautiful that

little gibbet of Jack the Rippers are.

Isn't that fantastic?

# Smoke a little kipper then you smoke a little trout

# Smoke a little mackerel, that's what it's all about

# And if you want to beat that old fish fry

# You can smoke a little eel if you really try. #

All this smoke has made me feel a bit eel.

Sorry about that.

What we've done is we've begged our way, conned our way

into a kitchen we couldn't afford to own, or even to rent,

from Mary Flint. Mary, thanks for having us.

Let's start our little acquaintanceship as we mean to

carry on, with a quick slurp of your wonderful wine.

Nostrovia!

And thanks for having me here.

You love all this kind of fish.

Have a good look at this fish, Richard, please,

cos I think these buckling, they're like golden bars.

They look as though they've been dredged from

the bottom of the sea from a sunken wreck.

Tell me all about this lovely fish and what you're going to on with it.

OK, that's enough fish, Richard, back to us and my friend Mary.

What're you going to do? I'm going to cut it up and put it on a platter

and hopefully concoct a little hors d'oeuvre,

before your other dish.

Do you want to get started on that?

Why not? I'll start with this. This is this fabulous eel, isn't it?

Yes.

And I'm going to cut it in pieces, skin it and have it ready.

Just skin one bit right away so that people can see how that's done.

I'm going to take a larger knife, because...

There we go.

Pay attention to this, Richard.

Just peel the skin off, you see.

No problem, and heave that away.

Great, I think she deserves...

Have a drink, Mary, have one on the firm there.

I think I'll have one too, not a bad idea.

Excuse me, I've got to roll my sleeves up to do a bit of work.

Right, quick slurp for me.

Cheers to me.

Cheers, Mary.

Now, little story here,

a few weeks ago I was at a public exhibition

and a fishmonger came up to me and said,

"Would you mind putting your programmes on at the time

"of the year that match the ways we catch the fish?

"It's very annoying when you cook something,

"people come to buy it the next day and it's out of season."

Even worse this time, because this is the middle of winter, OK?

This is the middle of winter, but when you see this cabbage,

it'll probably be June or July and you won't be able to buy them.

Remember it for next time round.

Anyway, we're doing cabbages today.

If you'd like to come round and have a look at what we've got here -

some ground pork - minced pork - belly of pork, that is.

The cheapest possible cut.

Then a little bit of chilli powder.

A little crushed garlic.

Because it's winter, dried dill.

If we could've got fresh we'd have preferred it.

Dried apricots.

Tomato puree.

Parsley and chopped onions.

Up and over I'm going to make a nice little mess.

You can come down again as I chuck all these things into here.

A bit of onion, like that.

Parsley in.

These lovely pieces of thing...

Ah! I'm getting some assistance here.

A bit of dill, bit of garlic, in we go.

And then, nice gungey tomato puree.

And a little bit of the chilli powder - not too much of that.

And my assistant is ripping me off, at this very moment,

which he usually does, a piece of tissue so I can clean my hands.

This'll provoke a load of letters, "He's used his hands again."

Never mind. That's that.

Tissue, please, assistant director.

Thank you very much. See how good they are to me.

They're excellent, aren't they?

Right. One of the things I did earlier on, was,

I blanched this whole cabbage,

so it's partly cooked and the heart's taken out.

All I now do is whack a few leaves down like this.

And put in my first...

..little layer of my mixture.

Fold the leaf over.

And I put another little bit on like that.

I get another leaf out.

And I expect you're all fairly bored with that process,

but you go on assembling the thing...

..in that way.

Now, great chefs, people like Auguste Escoffier, who,

for me was a saint, were not only brilliant, but humble.

This simple recipe I'm making today, I've ripped off from him.

And what would be really good, if the BBC, you know

all those wonderfully intelligent programmes they have like, um...

Um... OFF-SCREEN: Omnibus. Arena.

Um...

Arts programmes. Oh, yes. Yeah, I know.

All those...

Actually, he's got the heart of a cabbage as well.

If they, instead of doing flutists and poets,

devoted 40 minutes to the life and work of a great man like that,

television would be all the better for it.

I'm going to get on with some coking. I'm going to have a slurp...

and see you again in a moment. I'll carry on doing these.

Auguste Escoffier, held by some to be one of the greatest chefs,

was born 1846, the son of a blacksmith.

He was best-known in Britain via the Savoy for making super

puddings for the petulant singers.

Every heard of peach melba?

Get it?

With his friend Cesar Ritz,

he fed the monarchy and superstars of his day.

But, like many geniuses, he died a poor man,

and although the culinary pendulum has swung far from his style,

his spirit lives on in kitchens everywhere.

So I'm sure you fell pretty enriched and happy by that.

Melvyn Bragg, eat your heart out.

Anyway, I've finished the cabbage.

Just tie it up with this piece of string so it doesn't fall

apart and pop it in to a richly made chicken or veal or beef stock.

I'm walking slowly cos the cameraman can't keep up.

In it goes for about 40 minutes.

The next time you see it and me, I shall be sitting with Mary,

bottle of wine, wonderful fish, wonderful cabbage,

having a fine time.

This is absolutely delicious and it's totally fre...

I know it's smoked, but it's fresh.

It's not out a horrible packet.

No, no, no.

Are you going to give me some?

Yes, what'll you have, some eel?

Some eel, yes. Right.

This is the delight of the whole thing.

Great, wonderful.

Thanks to Martin and his wonderful smokery.

A bit of...? Yes.

That is the smoked mackerel.

Yeah. And that's nice and flavoursome.

Let me help you. That is quite different.

A little bit of the trout.

Wonderful. OK.

Really nice. Thank you.

I'll have a bit more eel.

Why are you so fond of eel?

Because it has this wonderful damp texture and taste.

I don't know how you'd describe it.

Tell me, what do you think of it?

I think it tastes like fishy truffles.

It really does.

It's got a long-lasting flavour behind it which isn't overpowering

and it's not dry and heavy like a factory-produced smoked thing.

It's still...

It's still moist.

Very slightly oily.

It's wonderful. Very good, indeed.

One of the things that's funny on these programmes,

and I am actually quite angry, we've spent quite a long time,

when we should have been enjoying ourselves,

sorting out a little problem.

So I had a small row with the director.

Anyway, all that's better now and we're going to have the other

bit of our meal, which is fabulous stuffed cabbage.

Can you see it all right, Richard?

See how nicely layered it is.

I wonder if it's going got taste all right.

I've poured a little bit of melted butter over the chicken stock

in which we cooked it.

And for those of you who want to know how long it took,

it took about 55 minutes to cook properly.

That enough? Fine, thank you.

Ah, dear. Doesn't matter if it crumbles up.

I think this is a lovely follow on from that luxurious

part of the meal which was those beautiful smoked fishes,

and now this very simple inexpensive thing.

It's great, isn't it?

Smells rather good. I'm going to have a quick taste.

It's all right, isn't it?

Very good, indeed.

I'm thrilled with that.

I want to tell you something that really frightened me -

this is the first time I've ever cooked a stuffed cabbage,

and I wanted to do something really simple cos some

of the programmes are extravagant and we like a nice balance.

And I was happily making this, and you said,

"Oh, you're going to be doing this little Polish number?"

And I thought, "Oh, my God."

How would you have made these?

I would have done them as individual parcels,

but the effect would have been virtually the same.

Instead of making a big parcel, you make individual parcels.

And you like the idea of a tomato sauce with that?

Yes. And that is called golumpki , which well-known known,

extremely good Polish dish.

And slow, simple, peasant cooking.

Wonderful.

Doesn't need a lot of money, just needs patience...

Love. Love.

Love. Love.

I'll drink to that. And I too.

Cheers. Thanks very much, Mary.

Great pleasure.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

Great moral uplift this music from the London Philharmonic,

and I need it to, because armed with only food and wine, I am engaged to

do battle with our oldest enemies, you've got it, the dreaded frogs.

Actually, it's jolly funny to find theses garlic-chewing matelots

storm-bound, hungry and helpless,

and down to their last tin of foie gras.

THEY SPEAK FRENCH

They have been here for four or five days, they've got no food, but they

are gastronauts and they phoned The Samaritans, you see, so here I am.

I'm going to cook for them.

Our colleagues across the water might have some dubious political motives from time-to-time,

like Exocet - we're not talking about that.

But they really love us when they're in trouble about food.

And here I am to the rescue - Rule Britannia -

mustn't say that - up the Marseillaise.

Because we're in a galley, it's cramped and difficult,

I've started frying some chicken for them.

We're going to have to put up with the difficulties,

like they have to, if they were souls in peril on the sea.

There's some chicken frying in olive oil.

I will make the point - this is a free-range, really good chicken.

This tea towel is made from denim and denim comes from Nimes,

in the south of France.

De-nim - from Nimes.

Denim - get it?

Right. Here we are, our elegantly prepared ingredients.

We have some red peppers, some green peppers, some onions,

some garlic, some parsley, olives,

a beaten-up couple of eggs for later use and some double cream.

Also, we're going to use some canned tomatoes.

They can't grow them on the mast on this ship.

Right. So it's a state of go.

We've got to go with it.

Into this pan here, Richard, never mind the fumes.

Olive oil and put our onions in.

OK, sizzle-sizzle the onions they go.

And we stir those round till they're a bit brown.

They're going brown already. Isn't it magic, how we can cook on a boat?

A lot of you can't cook at home, even.

In with the red peppers.

Stir those round.

Richard, come back to me.

You realise that my reputation's on the line here.

They sent out and SOS - Mayday! Mayday! Send Floyd, send Floyd.

But if I screw up this dinner, I've really had it.

Pray for me, OK?

Come back.

In we go with the whole garlic.

A little branch of thyme is going to in with the chicken.

Into the chicken.

Now, that all has to settle

and brown down for a moment or two before I can add the tomatoes.

Very necessary quick slurp there.

Things have progressed a bit, cooking going quite well.

It's a rather delicate dish despite my rough handling of it,

cos I'm under a certain amount of pressure here - the space, Richard having difficulty seeing things.

You're going to have to take my word for what's going on in a lot of ways.

I must now go onto the second phase of the cooking, which is

to add the tomatoes to the chicken.

Like that.

Now, using this wonderful cloth,

I must put all the peppers...

..into the chicken.

This is where I like to pass it to my assistant -

the 20 or 30 people that are behind us, working away to help me.

But I'll give it the director in the hope he burns his little fingers.

OFF-SCREEN Ah! He did. Ha-ha!

So I'll move that over nearer the cameraman.

Sacrifice...all my problems.

All I have to do now is let that cook for 25 or 30 minute with the lid on.

Talking of the lid, aren't the French an ingenious lot?

I'm having to hold this by a cloth as it's so hot,

but they, as a wine-drinking nation utilise their corks to the limit.

That will save you from burning your little fingers - rather good.

That goes on.

I have a little glassete.

Which will cheer me up enormously.

And in a little while, 25/30 minutes, we'll come back have a

game of cards with the lads and have a really good supper.

See you later.

SONG TO THE TUNE OF LA MARSEILLAISE

THEY LAUGH

THEY SPEAK FRENCH

Oh, they're impossible these French they make so much noise.

Anyway... HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Richard, while you were away I stirred in some cream,

egg yolks and some olives, OK?

Now, we're going to feed the boys.

Follow me round - be tricky in this cramped galley but it was they

who cooked the rice, so if they really complain, it's their problem.

Right, chaps.

Thank you.

THEY SPEAK FRENCH

THEY SPEAK FRENCH

I don't know if this is going to help,

they'll probably cancel the Channel Tunnel because of this.

But I've done my best, it is the moment of truth.

These are hearty trenchermen - they are loudmouthed, critical,

arrogant Frenchmen, who are looking at me as if I've got green

horns cos they think we have and I've come off the moon.

Boys... HE SPEAKS FRENCH

THEY SPEAK FRENCH

They're all experts, the French are experts on rugby,

on Channel fixed-link crossings, in fishing. HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Which is in French, "Silence, if you please."

They're experts on everything.

He said to me, "I think you added the cream a bit too quickly."

You can't win them all, but of we hadn't of fed them, they'd had starved.

They're stuck in Newlyn.

I would say England six - France five and a half.

THEY LAUGH

MUSIC: "Peaches" by The Stranglers

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd