Episode 1 Hairy Dieters: How to Love Food and Lose Weight

'We're the Hairy Bikers.'

'Our mission in life, to cook great tasting food all of us can relish.'

And we're fit and bronzed with a full tank.

Well, a bit too full, actually.

Years of eating gorgeous food have taken a toll.

'Food isn't just a job for Dave and I...'

-Oh.

-Look at that.

'..it's our pastime and our passion.'

Oh, yeah.

'For us, the pleasure of creating delicious dishes...'

It's sensual, isn't it, good food?

'..packed with flavour, is only surpassed by eating.'

Oh, look at that. Now, that's a Kiev.

Oooh.

'For me, food and me mam and dad

'were my loves growing up.'

We ate hotpot, cottage pies, shepherd's pies, chips.

'Our diet then was traditional British food.'

Proper hotpot.

-What's wrong with this?

-Nothing.

-Nothing.

'When it comes to food now, though, we can't get enough.'

You look fat, both of you.

It's like wearing one of those, what do you call them?

-A gilet full of lard.

-Sumo suits.

'And now the doctors have spoken.'

You had about 3,500 calories a day.

Oh, hell fire, that's a lot.

42% of your body mass is fat.

'Officially, we are what we eat.'

A little bit of what you fancy every now and then does you good.

You're having a little bit of what you fancy all the time.

'In this series, we're setting ourselves a challenge

'to reinvent the food we love so it delivers sumptuous flavours,

'but a lighter us.'

-Smells like lasagne.

-Does it look like it?

-Yes!

-Oh, yeah.

'And we're not going it alone. Our families are right behind us.'

When he sets his mind to do something,

he does everything in his power to do it.

What if my character changes?

I don't think it will, cos you're just Dad, aren't you?

SIMON LAUGHS

Ow!

'And joining us for the series are a bunch of like-minded foodies,

'who are all in the market to lose a few pounds.'

-Are we in this together?

-ALL: Yes!

-Right.

Shall we go and have a drink?

THEY LAUGH

'The fact is, Brits like us are now in the majority.

'More than 60% are overweight or obese.'

'So we're giving ourselves just over three months to reach our goals.'

I will go out in these jeans.

You're not going to be able to.

If I'm dead honest, I think it's just to take my top off

without having to think that I'm a lardy.

'By cooking smart, we can enjoy big flavours and still drop the pounds.'

'This is how to love food...' Bon appetit, all.

'..and still lose weight.'

Cheers.

So we're going to try to draw a line and get a little bit leaner.

Whilst tucking into the same types of foods that we've always adored.

'Whilst we love our food,

'we've come to realise our waistbands have been expanding

'and we're not alone.'

'Us lardies are now in the majority,

'but it's not a case of safety in numbers.

'More than a quarter of Brits are now obese.

'That's when it poses a risk to your health.'

'The number of seriously large folk has almost doubled

'in the last 20 years.

'And when we were lads, fat folk were thin on the ground.'

My dad, he worked 40 years in a paper mill,

he was a calendar foreman.

But he would eat food like this all his life.

-He wasn't a big man.

-No.

'Then, Britain was a proud industrial nation

'and many people had physically demanding jobs.'

I think the difference is we're not working in a shipyard

or working in a foundry.

We're not. We sit on motorcycles and run around a lot.

DAVE INHALES

SIMON SIGHS

I love this sort of food.

'In this series, we've set ourselves the challenge

'of devising delicious dishes you can eat guilt-free,

'without piling on the pounds.'

'But this is definitely not one of them.

'As a blow-out before we cut down, we're cooking one of our favourites.

'It's a meal fit for the kings.'

What's the most indulgent chicken you can think about?

-Oh, the most sensual, indulgent chicken, chicken Kiev.

-Oh.

'But can we find a way of reinventing classic dishes we love?'

'Sounds like our next culinary challenge, Dave,

'but first, let's enjoy this bad boy.'

The chicken Kiev, it's one of those bright orange things

that you could see from Mars.

Nuclear crumbs.

Dave is very generous

and very luxuriant

with whatever he cooks.

Listen, you can hear it going. Like fat only does.

I put three stones on in two years.

Our pecan nut and caramel cheesecake.

It is one of the most epic dishes we've ever done, isn't it?

-It's a monster.

-Oh, look at that.

What we need to do is get a balance.

We don't just want to, like, be in denial all the time,

cos I'm hopeless at denial.

I give myself everything I possibly can all the time.

Si's always been a big guy.

You know, he's just such,

he's just a big, he's like a Viking.

-Oh, yes, there's all the bits.

-Crunchy bits.

-Oh, look at that.

Me dad,

I wouldn't describe him as large,

I'd describe him as quite stocky.

I mean, from the waist down, I'm Jean-Claude Van Damme.

It's here, you know, it's like wearing one of those,

what do you call them? A gilet full of lard.

Sumo suits.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, yeah.

Folding, fluffy clouds of gorgeousness.

Oh, look at the sheen on that, it's like Beyonce covered in baby oil.

Ooh.

'We're serving this last indulgent feast to Si's wife Jane,

'middle lad James...'

Here you are, James.

'..and youngest Dylan.'

Oh, look at that. Now, that's a Kiev.

Oh.

'We still want to get this excited about food.'

'But if we're going to get slimline,

'we'll need to sharpen our kitchen brains

'to conjure up dishes still big on flavour.'

-ALL: Oooh.

-Look at that.

'And there's no denying we've become a pair of bigguns ourselves.

'And in the morning, we'll find out just how lardy we are.'

'I avoid measuring myself at all costs.'

Where's my belly button? Never seen that for years.

'According to the NHS, a waist measurement

'of more than 37 inches

'means that your health may be at risk.'

49.

That's a lot of inches.

I only take a size 40 pant.

I mean, granted it's down here, you know.

That's where you have your pants,

you don't put them across your belly, do you?

I mean, that's stupid.

That...

is the length of my circumference.

Hm, not great, like, is it?

Now listen, you, you've got my genes.

I know, I know.

'I'm also getting a measure of myself.'

Crumbs.

'And my jeans are telling me, I'm not in great shape.'

I bought these 20 years ago with Kingy in the Metro Centre,

my Italian jeans.

And...

I would love, I'd love to wear them out, just...

Eurgh.

Let me tell you, those jeans, I nearly threw them,

I nearly binned them, because I knew they were so tiny for him.

Ah!

THEY LAUGH

Now, that's how some men

wear their jeans, isn't it?

No, it's not for you, sweetheart.

'My better half Lili and stepdaughter Iza have their own theory

'on why I've got a whole lot bigger.'

-Dinner is always an event in our house.

-Yeah.

And some people would say that you are an extraordinarily lucky woman.

I don't disagree, I am a very lucky woman.

And you're a very lucky man as well.

LILI GIGGLES

I will go out in these jeans.

You're not going to be able to.

-Look at your T-shirt, it says it all.

-What?

Right, if I can't get into these jeans comfortably

in the next three months, yeah? I'll give you £500.

Oh, my God. OK.

'Looks like I'll have to shed the pounds to keep hold of me pennies.'

Ow!

'And we're on the way to discover the damage

'in good old English pounds and ounces.'

'It's been a long time since either of us weighed anything

'apart from ingredients.

'So I'm taking Dave to a Geordie landmark, the Grainger Market,

'to brave the scales.'

In the olden days, with my aunty Hild, when we used to come

to Newcastle cos she used to bring us on trips,

she was quite short and quite rotund

and she used to go to the Weigh House every time.

And what used to happen, there used to be certain times a day

where they'd weigh human beings, cos it was the weights

and measures place for the marketplace.

-So it was dead accurate.

-Absolutely on the money.

And it's been an institution ever since.

-Did you used to get weighed as well?

-Yeah, yeah, I used to have to wait

till the slabs of meat came off and she'd stick us on the scales.

THEY LAUGH

Come on, fats, bob on, it's time to bite the bullet.

Deep breaths.

Don't say a word, I've got stuff to decant.

'I'm 5'11" and a half and Si's 6'1".

'According to the NHS, neither of us should be more than 13.5 stone.

'But are we tipping the scales over that?'

That's your weight.

What are you, mate? What are you?

19 stone 5.

19 stone. Oh, ho!

-I cannot be.

-You are, sorry.

Be no more stotties for you, my friend.

Your turn, go on then. Go on.

What you doing, you?

That cheating, Myers!

SHE LAUGHS

That is. Oh, you're joking! I've got me belt on as well.

You see, I never took me belt off. That could've been...

You toad! Get your hands off them rails.

-17.11.5.

-What?!

That's nearly 18 stone.

So, we're about the same, really.

That was a bit of a shocker, really.

But I think the first step is facing up to, erm, our weight, really.

Wasn't brilliant.

'Between us, Dave and I are the size of a small cow.

'But how did we get here?'

I think it went wrong when I went to college.

I got away from Barrow, I discovered curry and beer.

Cos I was never a fat kid.

Do you know, there's a lot of joking

about Northerners' diets,

but Northerners' diets then, in hindsight, wasn't that bad.

We ate well.

Every morning I got up and I had a breakfast.

Lunchtime, that was the main meal.

It would be, say, mince, potatoes, peas.

Tea was something like tomatoes on toast, a ham sandwich,

maybe a bit of tinned salmon if we were flush.

Money was scarce and so, really, the meals had to be planned

by what we could afford,

and if we overate, then we didn't eat the next day.

I mean, we never went out to restaurants, we couldn't afford it.

It was all home cooking, home baking.

We ate hotpot, cottage pies, shepherd's pies, chips.

My mum would bake home-made bread on Mondays

and the smell of that bread was lovely.

Mmm.

Maybe, for us, the diet was better then.

'My mam and dad aren't around to ask

'if I've got a rose-tinted view of the past,

'but my 79-year-old cousin Les and his wife Muriel have known me

'all my life and we're off for tea at their place.

'They've always been a fine looking couple

'and they've always eaten honest, hearty food.'

-Hello.

-Hello.

-You look fab as usual.

-Nice to see you. How are you getting on?

-Right, you two, explain the secrets of eternal youth.

-Yes.

I can remember coming round to see you when I was a little lad.

-Yes.

-And I remember you always cooked good food.

-Yeah.

And it was things like fish and chips.

Steak, kidney and dumplings, cottage pies.

-It wasn't that bad, was it? It wasn't that heavy.

-No.

Also rationing was still on when Dave was little, wasn't it?

No, it was not, I'm not that old!

I was never a fat kid, was I?

No, you weren't fat. No, you weren't fat.

-It was your puppy fat, isn't it?

-His puppy fat.

-I didn't have puppy fat.

-Puppy fat.

Well, he looked round when he was... Was he round, Les?

Yes, he was round.

Yeah, and he was a beautiful baby, I don't know what happened.

No, I don't know.

The love of the family.

-Oh!

-Ah!

LAUGHING: This is brilliant.

But you haven't changed over the years, Muriel.

You haven't put on a scrap of weight.

You're obviously doing something right.

Has what you eat changed over the years?

Or do you still enjoy the same food?

Oh, no, we still enjoy the same type.

-Do you eat a lot of fried food?

-No, no.

-No.

-She grills everything.

-Hm.

-Well, that's a good thing.

-It is a good thing, isn't it?

-We're talking about a balanced diet.

-Yeah.

-That's it.

-Now, not a diet.

-A diet, no.

-No.

-A balanced diet.

There's no need to give everything up. You just cut down.

You've got to take out more than you put in, Dave, that's what it is.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

These are our diet gurus.

-They are.

-Yeah.

-This is brilliant.

# Sweet, sweet memories you gave... #

'Si, if you think this is good,

'just wait until you taste Muriel's hotpot.'

Look at that, proper hotpot.

Those golden potatoes,

all the goodness of the lamb has cooked into the potato.

-Black pudding.

-It's thickened with black pudding.

Always got black pudding in it.

-It's not hotpot without black pudding.

-Hm-mm.

-Definitely not.

And look at that.

With some onions sliced in malt vinegar and beetroot.

Oh, man.

-That's proper cooking, isn't it?

-Hm-mm.

This is more than a plate of food - it's tradition, it's comfort,

it's friendship around the table with your family and your loved ones.

Exactly.

I'm not prepared to give this up and I don't see why I should, really.

-Can I have some, can I have some...?

-More?

MURIEL CHUCKLES

-Look, I'll just had a bit of yours to save you from yourself.

-Do.

-See, then I can say, I haven't had seconds.

-No.

You see, what's wrong with this?

What's probably wrong for us

is if we go back and have another three platefuls.

'I've waited a long time for a double helping

'of Muriel's famous hotpot,

'but she's not very impressed by us going back for second helpings,

'I tell you.'

-You look fat, both of you.

-Who do?

-You two.

-Look fat?

-Fat!

-Oh, you know how to hurt, Muriel.

-Yes, I do.

-Seriously do you look at us two...?

-You've got to be hurt to do it,

to slim.

Oh, see, it's tough love up North, isn't it?

'Well, Muriel has spoken

'and there's nothing like a dose of family honesty to spur you on.'

'Dave, I think we should get a professional second opinion

'and I know just the place.

'Newcastle University and Hospital are home

'to one of the world's leading centres

'that specialises in the science of fat.'

'We've come to meet Professor Roy Taylor.

'His pioneering research in weight loss has helped save lives

'by reversing serious medical conditions like diabetes.'

I'm glad I'm not ticklish, that's all I'm saying.

SHE CHUCKLES

'The team here know everything there is to know

'about the effect of blubber on our bodies, so they're running

'a series of tests to show how much fat we're storing and where.'

-49.8.

-No.

Do you do liposuction here?

So, Roy, what's the plan, Stan?

Well, we need to understand where we're starting from,

that's the essence of it.

So we want to do a variety of measurements which will tell us

how heavy you are, what percentage fat you've got in your body

and how it's distributed.

All the weight we're carrying is on our middles, isn't it?

It's a typical male thing to have lots of fat inside the abdomen.

-It's what we call visceral fat.

-Ah.

-Yes.

And it's this process of fat being in the wrong place

that leads to all the bad things that we know about obesity.

We both take blood pressure tablets.

If you lose weight substantially,

you'll almost certainly stop your blood pressure tablets.

-Depends where you're starting from, depends on circumstances.

-Yeah.

But in our recent weight loss study,

people came off their blood pressure tablets

because, if they continued taking them,

-their blood pressure was getting too low.

-Right.

-Now, that's a fabulous health gain.

-Gosh, yeah.

'That's good motivation, now on to the tests.

'Remember Archimedes and his eureka moment in the bath?

'Well, this clever bod pod uses the same principle.

'By measuring the air we displace,

'it can work out the percentage of fat.'

'As bod pod measures the air surrounding every fibre of our being,

'we need to squish down our hairy bits, hence the balaclava.'

-Pants off?

-It would be best, yes.

'And budgie smuggler pants.'

SIMON WOLF WHISTLES

Beam me up, Scotty.

It's with great trepidation I do this, really,

cos then there's no place to go.

This is it.

38.1% fat!

Worse than a Butterball turkey.

'Next are a set of scans that will build up a physical picture

'of our frames and just how lardy they've become.'

Right. That's you done.

You'll be pleased to know, you can get up now.

So, this is where you should be.

Here. And this is, this is where you are, there.

It's just like I'm encased in fat, you know.

I mean, I'm not just knocking into the obese,

I'm well up there, aren't I?

Very odd.

-Does that depress you?

-God, yeah.

-Looking at that?

It does, Dorothy, yes.

That's you done.

'So I'm high on the obesity scale

'and my fat's accumulated in the worse place possible, my stomach.'

All right. OK? We'll get cracking, then.

I don't know, it's just weird, it's just...

Erm, it just changes your whole perception

of who you thought you were.

It's kind of like looking out of your body at yourself.

And I just didn't like what I saw, fundamentally, just like, whoah.

Covered in fat.

'Doubt I'll be much better, mate.'

It's a proper apple shape, you know, when they talk about apple shapes.

DAVE LAUGHS

Thanks, Dorothy, cheers!

I'm like a bloody big Bramley.

'Those images are shocking,

'but Professor Roy's going to explain what they mean

'and what we can do about it.'

-OK. So, Simon, the results.

-A professor with lots of paper.

Oh, God.

The news is that 42% of your body mass is fat.

You're really bang on the way up to being quite,

quite considerably obese.

-Right.

-So that is a warning sign for you

in terms of health problems down the road.

-So.

-Yeah.

-Dave.

-Yeah.

-Almost 40% of you is fat.

-Right.

So obese from a clinical point of view.

What we see, once again, is a slim chap in there,

totally inside this big overcoat of fat.

There's a thin bloke in there fighting to get out, you know, Roy.

Yep, I'd be very pleased to meet that thin bloke next time you come.

Well, I would suggest that I set you an ambitious target,

but one that's achievable.

-So, Si, at the moment...

-Yeah.

-..you're 123 kilograms.

-Yes.

I would like you to go down to 107 kilograms.

That would be my suggestion for you.

'In old money, Professor Roy wants me to lose 2.5 stone.'

-Dave.

-Yeah.

-You're starting from 113.1.

-Yeah.

And you should be aiming to cruise down

-to 98.4.

-Yes.

'My target's a bit less than Si's.

'To lose two stone four pounds in just over three months.'

How do we do that? We just eat less?

Yes, the only way of losing this sort of substantial weight

is to considerably reduce

the total amount of calories you take in, day on day.

I think it's fair to say that was one hell of a wake-up call.

-Yeah, there was no place to hide in there, like, was there?

-No.

-It was seeing that thin man encased in fat.

-Yes, it was!

It was absolutely, it was the first time that I've been,

it was actually a grotesque image

that I really didn't enjoy looking at.

-I'd quite like to unzip myself.

-Yeah, just, like, take it off, man.

Disco time, you know.

'Seeing that image of my rotund body has stirred up difficult memories.

'I've seen doctors before about my weight

'and I'm going back to where it all began - my primary school.'

-This is where you were very unhappy?

-Wasn't the happiest of times, no.

It wasn't. God.

This was the boy's gate and that was the girl's gate down at the bottom.

Oh, this is odd.

-So how old were you when you came here?

-Err...

Juniors. Oh, yeah, this is very odd.

Does it smell the same?

No, slightly different. It had, can you remember that coal tar soap?

-Yes.

-Remember coal tar soap? It used to smell like that.

Oh, this is mad.

'You see, my dad died when I was eight

'and it knocked us all for six.

'I sought comfort in food and I just piled on the weight.'

And I was a stone for every age.

-So you were nine stone at nine.

-I was nine stone at nine.

I was ten stone at ten,

I was eleven stone at eleven

-and that's when it stopped.

-That's big for an 11-year-old.

-Yeah. So...

Further down, there was the main hall,

which was where everybody had their dinner.

I remember sitting there and I must have been about nine

and a teacher came in and stopped the whole thing.

And I thought, "Oh. Oh, dear me."

And then he mentioned me name.

And then they said, er, they said...

HE CHUCKLES

They said, "Simon King mustn't eat anything

"that he's not brought in himself because he's on a diet."

He announced it to the school.

-To the whole school in the dinner hall.

-Oof.

I turned round

and I just did that

and the whole school was looking at me.

And I just wanted to die, I just wanted to die.

I just thought, well, it's pointless, cos I felt worthless.

I'll never, I'll never forget it.

And from that day on,

it was pretty tortuous to begin with,

but, basically, that teacher had given

the rest of the school permission to take the mick.

So that's what they did.

Kids are kids, do you know what I mean?

-Yeah.

-But it just chipped away at me confidence.

Oh, it just chip, chip, chip, chip, chip.

Just absolutely nailed me to the wall and crucified me.

It was, er, very tough.

Very tough indeed.

But, it's very, very, I feel very privileged, in one way, to be back.

It's actually quite cathartic, actually, being here.

That what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Kingy.

Exactly that, exactly that, exactly that, mate, exactly that.

Oh, dear me.

There's a lot of ghosts and a lot of memories here

that I've kind of, I've buried good, well and deep.

But if you go through that, as a human being, you know,

you just get to a point where you go, "I only have two choices left."

And that's quite cathartic, if you only ever have two choices left.

You either give in or you don't.

'They say an unexamined life is not worth living

'and I've carried around that comfort-eating little lad

'for too long.

'Now it's time for change.'

-Well, this is it, isn't it? This is the start of the journey.

-It is.

It's a big challenge, it's a big thing to do.

Because it's about change in our attitudes and relationship to food,

which I'm going to find really difficult

cos it's always been a default comfort thing for me.

What if my character changes?

Do you think that that might happen or not?

I don't think it will, cos you're just Dad, aren't you?

SIMON LAUGHS

What do you think, James?

You're a big character, basically, so your weight will not change that.

It could, in some ways, give you a bit more, you know,

a bit more confidence.

That would be nice, for me to kind of look at me reflection

and go, "Yeah, that's all right, I'm doing all right."

Isn't it, Fred?

You don't half stink, Fred.

Whatever we're feeding you, we've got to stop. Phwoar.

Si, you've really got to stop blaming the dog.

You know.

THEY GIGGLE

'With the whole King clan backing me, including the dog,

'what have I got to lose?

'Apart from two and a half stone.'

'We're both committed to reaching our goals in just over three months.

'To help us do it, Professor Roy's asked us to keep a food diary

'for a few days so our normal diet can be analysed.'

This is day one of my food diary.

Morning.

So, this morning, for my first breakfast, I've got a big bowl.

Yeah, it's a big bowl.

It's substantial. Ha-hey.

So what we have is, we've got two slices of wholemeal toast,

we've got two poached eggs.

'Oh, and lashings of lovely butter.'

Late lunch.

Four pieces of lean bacon on a stack.

Got two tomatoes on a lettuce leaf, nice bread, and a nice cup of tea.

Half past one and I'm having a pie.

And it's a steak pie with brown sauce.

It's about two o'clock now on a Saturday afternoon,

you know what it's like, you lie in bed late.

I had a big curry last night.

Lunch is two pieces of rye bread, three chipolatas, and an egg yolk.

Look at that, it's tiny.

'And that's a proper breakfast. Fried bacon, fried bread,

'eggs and devilled kidneys.

'Lunch was a salad, mind, with roast beef.

'And the carnivorous finale, griddled ribeye steaks

'and home-made bread.'

'I was good, I went veggie.

'Fresh ravioli, parmesan, thyme and lemon risotto

'with some halloumi on the top, melanzane parmigiana

'and a lovely salad tricolore. So it's all very healthy, really.'

Last night...

..in the midst of a barbecue,

I forgot to record what I was eating.

We had belly pork and basmati wholemeal rice.

'That's what happens when you have a bit too much to drink, you see,

'you forget what you ate.'

'Here, Kingy, one sobering thought - we're about to be confronted

'with the calorific total of all that food.'

'Too right we are, mate, because it's back to Newcastle Uni

'to meet Professor Roy's colleague, dietitian Professor Ashley Adamson.'

'She's top in her field and works with doctors, patients

'and primary care trusts on the medical effects of diet

'and she's hiding here somewhere.'

Hiya. Are you...? We're looking for Ashley.

-Hello.

-Hello. Ashley?

-Hello, come on in.

-Dave.

-Pleased to meet you.

-How do you do?.

-Hello, Ashley, very nice to meet you.

-And you.

-How are you?

-Come on in.

-Thank you very much.

Have a seat, guys.

'It's recommended that the average bloke should consume no more

'than 2,500 calories a day, so Ashley's used our food diaries

'to calculate our intake and how we compare.'

-OK, so shall we start with yours, Dave?

-Yes.

OK, we'll start with yours.

On that first day when you had breakfast...

Yes - muesli, handful of walnuts, yoghurt,

some milk and a banana on the top.

-Over 400 calories just came from your walnuts.

-You're joking.

Your breakfast that day was over a thousand calories.

But Saturday night, that was...

-I did a vegetarian meal, that was just all vegetarian.

-You did.

What was the protein source?

Erm...

-Cheese.

-Oh, yes.

-Lots of it.

My home-made raviolis were sensational with halloumi.

The big chunks of halloumi.

-I forgot I did a side salad.

-Ooh.

With grilled halloumi with a sweet chilli sauce.

-Nice.

-Yeah.

Go on, guess.

Oh, it might have been a thousand calories.

-It was 2,500 calories.

-What?

'Crumbs!

'That's the calories an average bloke should have

'in an entire day, in just one sitting.'

So, on average, over the three days,

you had about 3,500 calories a day.

-Oh, hell fire, that's a lot.

-OK?

-3,500 calories.

That's like, lumberjack intake.

Just over 40% of it came from fat.

SIMON WHISTLES

'If 40% of my diet is fat, no wonder my body is too.'

'It explains a lot, mate. I imagine I'm much the same.'

So, Si, you had some days where your energy intake

was up around the 3,000, but you had a couple

where I didn't get the evening meal and the alcohol.

-So, on average...

-I know, actually, but...

-Well, actually, I had a barbecue.

-Yeah.

And I was drunk, which is why I forgot.

-What are we talking about?

-It was wine.

Yeah, but how many bottles?

-Be honest.

-Two.

Two bottles of wine to yourself.

I know, but I hadn't eaten...

So, from what you told me, you had about 2,300-2,400 calories a day.

So really, I'm looking at 3,000 calories a day, 3,500.

3,500, I think.

And about, of that, 45% of it came from fat.

-45%?

-Yes.

Shine a light.

So, at the moment, you're eating a lot of fat.

-It doesn't matter whether it's olive oil, lard or butter.

-Right.

Calorie-wise, it's the same.

Everybody's led to believe now, that olive oil is a healthy fat.

Calorie-wise, it's exactly the same.

You see, the thing is, though,

a little bit of what you fancy, every now and then, does you good.

You're having a little bit of what you fancy

-all the time.

-All the time.

-Yeah, yes.

Obviously, you want to lose the weight,

and that's going to be perhaps, initially,

a bit painful cos you're looking at, minimum, halving the amount

-of calories that you're having.

-Right.

OK. Minimum. Now, the way to think about that

is to think about how you increase the bulk

without increasing calories.

If you guys can lose weight, being in and around food all of the time,

then, you know, other people out there can too.

Yeah.

Eh, Ashley. Well, that was informative.

Crumbs.

A thousand-calorie breakfast.

That, I was shocked at. That's wiped the smugness off my face.

There's no shenanigans about it, that's what it is.

I'm beginning to wonder how I ever get up the stairs.

We need to make a change.

'We're not the only ones that could do with lightening up.

'As a nation, we're heavier than we've ever been.'

'But we want to love food and still lose weight

'and we're not going it alone.

'Over the series, we'll join forces with other fellow foodies

'in a quest to drop the pounds.'

'Our first stop in our Odyssey of dieting discovery is Lancaster,

'to meet Jane Hall, who shed stacks of weight.'

'A couple of years ago,

'54-year-old Jane was almost twice the woman she is today.'

-Hiya!

-Hello!

-Hello, darling, how are ya?

-I'm fine.

'She's lost weight by reinventing her diet

'with the help of her canny cook of a husband Jeff.'

We've come round to see you cos you're quite famous.

-Yeah.

-We've come round to see you for a bit of inspiration.

-Right.

'Two years ago, Jane was almost 18.5 stone,

'now she's lost nigh-on eight to become a trim 10st 10lbs.

Who's she? Good grief.

JANE LAUGHS

-It's my alter ego, Jane.

-Right.

-She lives under the bed.

How does it make you feel, looking at that now?

Oh, God. Amazing.

I feel like I'm on top of the world.

I feel like you've got to scrape me off the ceiling.

When I'd lost most of my weight, it took me a little bit of time

to get used to me being me.

It's such a massive change.

I haven't had this weight problem for two or three years,

I've had it for 40-plus years.

-Did it take you time to settle in together as a couple again?

-Yeah.

How did that work?

We're a lot, lot closer now, I think.

-Definitely.

-Definitely.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, a lot, lot closer.

-I'm enjoying...

-I can get closer to you.

THEY LAUGH

He looks over in the bed

and, instead of a great mound being there,

he's like, "Where is she?" There's hardly anything there.

'We've made our names cooking great food in kitchens all over the world,

'but this is an education in shaving off the calories,

'while still savouring flavour and Jeff's become a master at it.'

-What's the recipe today, Jeff?

-Today, we're having stuffed peppers

and they're going to be stuffed with pork.

-And you're cutting the fat off.

-Yeah.

-You need to take all the fat from the meat.

-Right.

And it gets thrown away.

-Not got a dog?

-It's a shame, no.

Just, like, all these thin people in the house now

and this big, fat dog.

THEY LAUGH

So there you go, dice the meat up and then cook the pork

and all the ingredients in a wok, but, you don't use any oil.

You just, well, they call it dry frying, don't they?

Yeah, they do, yeah. Have you got one that you made earlier?

-I have, yeah.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

-Good man.

Go on, get it out, now.

That's lovely.

You can have as much of the purple sprouting broccoli as you want,

calorific value nil.

-Right. Put a bit of salt on that, then? No.

-No.

No added salt, how about some lemon zest?

Ah! Nice.

It's little touches like that,

that will compensate for the lack of salt and butter.

SIMON SOBS

Thank you.

'Now to test our first low-calorie dish, Jeff's Porky Peppers.'

OK?

-Hmm.

-Yeah, it is.

-It's lovely.

-This is really good.

-Lemon zest, we'll nick that one.

-The purple sprouting broccoli is a triumph.

-Hmm.

-Its beautiful, Jeff.

-Aw.

Thank you, dear.

-How lovely is that? Eh?

-Any time.

Thank you, it's great.

'That Jeff's a keeper

'and he's certainly developed some tasty tricks for us to mull over.'

'But Jeff can't take all the credit for Jane's shaping up.

'She says joining a weight loss group has played a huge part.'

'Jane was referred by her GP to a local class

'run by Rosemary Conley's Diet and Fitness Club.'

'A major study by medics recently concluded

'that commercial clubs like this, Weight Watchers

'and Slimming World have the highest rate of weight loss success.

'And it's largely down to group motivation.'

'It's clearly worked for Jane, so Si and I are giving it a go.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, there's loads of you, isn't there?

'It's front of the class for us. I didn't do this at school.'

What are you going to do to us? You've got that look in your eye.

-You're going to be playing with some balls, guys.

-Oh, that's good.

You'll be used to that.

LAUGHTER

Steady on.

Right. Morning, ladies and gents.

-Morning!

-How are we? Excellent.

Slimmer of the week, this week, girls.

Losing six pounds is Lucy. Give her a big round of applause.

By the way, just in case you didn't know,

she's now lost 12 stone 3 pounds.

-What?

-What?

Did you leave it on the bus then, or what?

THEY ALL LAUGH

-You do look great.

-Thank you.

What was the trigger that just went, "I've got to get this sorted"?

Well, I had surgery booked to have a gastric band

and then, two weeks before the surgery,

I cancelled it and thought, no.

You've just bit the bullet and done it...

One last go, that's it.

You do look great.

You do, honestly, you look fantastic.

'With results like that,

'there's definitely something in this group weight loss thing.

'And the approach is a simple one - eat less and move around more.'

'After a quick change, it's time to get physical.'

-Thank you.

-Thank you, thank you.

Let's get you moving. Marching wide.

'Ah, what a treat, Kingy, getting sweaty in a room full of women!'

'I doubt I'm impressing anyone

'with this fancy footwork, Dave, I tell you.'

Dave's quite good.

Simon, you need to practise.

I hate this.

Grab your balls.

What are we doing now? Not more of this.

All the way through, I want you to keep squeezing.

-Squeeze your balls.

-Squeeze it harder.

Squeeze your balls harder.

Brilliant.

Get that ball coming up and down.

Squeeze it as hard as you can. Keep going.

'Ooh, these ladies are way ahead with their ball-handling skills.

'I think me and Si need a time out.'

One, two, three, four.

-That was hard work.

-It was.

I was very impressed with the ladies

because, you know, they're all shapes, sizes and ages.

-One lady had lost 12 stone.

-God, yeah.

-I couldn't believe it.

-Yeah.

What I liked, it was normal people who'd bitten the bullet

and did it as a way of life. And I think classes like that are good

because they push you more so than you push yourself.

It's got to happen. I mean, that's it.

It's like, we have no other choice.

I want to be that bloke with the cheesy grin,

on a centrefold in Cosmopolitan with a geranium covering his doo-dah

and a smug grin, you know.

-Just looking, you know, fantastic.

-Fantastic, yeah.

'So Dave and I have decided to set up our own group of lads,

'as well as lasses.'

'We've gathered together a gang who all love food,

'but want to lose weight. They'll be joining us

'in our challenge to cut the calories

'without missing out on taste and flavour.

'Including super slimmer Liz from the exercise class.'

'And what better way to get to know each other

'than over a slap-up meal in a gastro pub.'

-How are you doing?

-Sorry we're late.

-Sorry we're late, yes, sorry.

-How are you getting on?

-Was that as good as it smells?

It was absolutely scrumptious.

SIMON LAUGHS

Ha!

Thank you so much for joining us.

You're like our comrades-in-arms

because I think we share something in common.

We all love food, we love life,

but it's fair to say, we've come to the conclusion,

we want to get a bit of a grip on ourselves.

I'd kind of quite like to dispense with the word diet early on

because it's not about that, is it? It's about enjoying great food

and not compromising on taste.

Cos I know that Dave and I don't want to live on lettuce

and a celery stick for the next 15 years.

I don't want to do this for however many days

and then just go, "Oh it's done now, great, give me a steak pie."

I want to change it for ever, I want to change it for ever.

I am a carpenter during the day and teach martial arts on an evening.

I should be, I should be like a stick,

but, unfortunately, I just don't eat properly

and I think I'm greedy. If I see it, I eat it.

My wife works for a confectionary company.

This is what I'm faced with every day when I walk in.

There's chocolate everywhere.

So a cup of coffee, cup of tea, bar of chocolate and I'm buzzing.

I think men are much worse at this than women.

I mean, how many of us chaps have pulled our belt in half a notch

and said we'd dropped half a stone last week?

I'm down to my last useable notch on my belt.

Do you know something else as well?

That doesn't work because leather stretches.

LAUGHTER So you kid yourself, you know.

I'm a chef, I have my own restaurant.

I enjoy feeding people, but when I'm eating myself,

it tends to be a bit haphazard, you know, I will pig out.

Yeah, there's no point in passing one biscuit to me,

there needs to be half a dozen back-ups.

What I'm hoping to do here, is to find some balance,

where I don't feel like I'm excluding myself

from the things I like, but without overdoing it.

Well, let's go round the table and just do some goals.

What's...? Let's start. What's your goal?

You see, I'm a size 28. You cannot go in a shop and buy it,

I've got to look for fat shops.

-So I'll get everything off line, I cannot try them on.

-Ah, man.

So, size 18, that's my aim.

Working a long day means

I'm munching on the hoof, all the way through the day.

I am that heavy now

that, when I'm standing up, my boobs overbalance us,

my knees go.

I even went to the doctor's and the doctor just laughed at us

and said, "Get some weight off, Ann."

I've got the same problem. I've got sparrow's ankles

and I catch the wind, you know, cos I'm top heavy.

Is that why you fall over?

I thought it's cos you're drunk half the time.

It's, you know.

16 stone would be my aim,

which means I have to lose about two and a half.

My main vice, in terms of

putting on weight, is wine.

I think it relaxes your willpower as well, so you tend to think,

"Oh, yes, I will have another piece of that pie".

I used to play a lot of rugby, so I'm used to having

a hint of muscle, at least,

rather that just flab and that's what I'm looking for.

Three things. I want to be able to put my socks on standing up.

I want to be able to tie my shoelaces without holding my breath

and I want to be able to drive my car without undoing my belt

and my top button of my trousers, and I'll be happy.

I would like to lose another two and a half stone,

and I'd like to get fit.

When I first started losing weight, I was 25 stone 10.

I think when I started losing weight,

it's little things that you notice.

Things like being able to sit in the back of a car

and the seat belt fitting.

And you get excited, "Oh, my God, the seatbelt fits."

For me, it's more about my shape

and my size than it is necessarily

-what it says on the scales.

-Yes.

So, for me, it's definitely, two dress sizes down would be

a happy, happy place to be.

I am a currently a community rugby coach for the Rugby Football Union.

Move, move. Good, good, good.

And also, I play for an all-women's rugby team.

After the match, it's tradition to have match teas,

so both teams sit down and eat together,

usually pie and beans, sausage and chips.

We're so, kind of, ready to stuff our faces

when we come upstairs, it's just we eat whatever is put in front of us.

So, definitely, the girls would love a healthier option after the game.

I was an old mum, so I was 38 when I had my little girl

and she's four now and my weight's kind of crept up.

I want to try and get a sustainable weight,

-not just an up-and-down one all the time.

-Yeah.

I'm usually just so busy

that I just have to grab whatever I can to eat

which is what every working mum

and every business owner does, it's just life.

Baking is what I do when I need a break and then I eat it!

You know, so the more stressed I am, the more I bake and the more I eat.

-There.

-That's brilliant.

What's your story?

Well, I want to get back to the weight that I used to be

and stay at that weight.

My weight problem is basically all about the size of the portion.

Recipes for four and the majority being eaten by myself.

It's a lot to do with what we're told by our parents,

who came through the war and food was short, to finish your plate.

-Yeah.

-So you eat everything that's on your plate.

If you don't put the right amount or the right stuff on your plate,

you're eating it all up.

I've gone up and down

from, sort of, 12 stone to 14 stone to 12 stone to 14 stone.

And I want to go down this time and find a way of staying

-at that weight and still eat decent grub.

-Yeah.

That's something, the parameters that myself and Si are in as well.

-Absolutely.

-And I think, that way, we can be very mutually supportive.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Cos it's easier doing it with a bunch of mates, innit?

-Yeah.

Cos peer group pressure then, you see.

We should have, like, let's get everybody on speed dial,

so we go, "I'm just about to eat chocolate." "Don't do it!"

"Don't." "Ah, oh."

THEY LAUGH

So, all I can say is, are we in this together?

ALL: Yes.

-Right.

-Right.

Shall we go and have a drink?

THEY LAUGH

'So me and Dave and our new foody friends have the same dilemma -

'how to enjoy food and still lose weight.'

'We think the answer lies in the kitchen.

'We just need to be a bit cunning in the way we can cook.'

So what about, like, a low-calorie pie?

-How do you make a low-calorie pie?

-Leave the pastry off.

Well, then it's not a pie, numb nuts, is it? It's a stew.

Right, let's think about lasagne.

-What could...?

-I love lasagne.

-Exactly.

It's one of them things, isn't it? You just got, yes, whoosh, pasta,

layers, ooh.

'We'd been told to half our daily calorie intake,

'but it's going to be tricky with a rich dish like lasagne.'

We need a pasta replacement. What have we got that we can slice thin?

Onions? What about...? No. Layer of onion, they'd go to water.

-Aubergine!

-No, because then it would be a moussaka.

We've got leeks.

Hold on, hold on. What are leeks? What are leeks?

-They're rolled, aren't they?

-They are, aren't they?

-So..

flatten a roll out, what do you get? A sheet.

These are the future. Whish-whish, brrrm.

Now we need the building blocks of the ragout.

'With over 40% of our calories coming from fat,

'we need to think lean.'

Beef, Kingy, less than 10% fat, let's try and dry fry it.

It's all fat in the bank.

'Dry frying the meat until it's browned

'gives it a caramelised flavour and any veg we add can suck it up.'

There can't be many calories in celery and onions.

For goodness sake, have you ever seen a fat rabbit?

Well, this is sweating down like you on a treadmill. Ha-hey!

Do you know what I'm finding hard, Si?

-No.

-That. Exactly.

-What?

It's not eating when I'm cooking.

The temptation to get a spoon

and have three or four spoonfuls of that and we both do that.

-Yeah, we do.

-And then you wonder why, when you come to the table,

you say, "It's funny how I don't fancy my own food."

The fact is, we've eaten a meal whilst we're cooking the meal.

'Like any ragout, it needs red wine.

'Normally we'd slosh in about half a bottle.

'But booze means calories, so, this time, it's around a glass.'

150 millilitres of wine.

'Whilst that bubbles away,

'I'm going to have a crack at turning leeks into sheets.

'I reckon, by slicing the leeks to the centre,

-'that'll create separate layers.'

-Oh, look at that!

That's a pasta sheet, but not.

-It's brilliant.

-Innit?

-Hey, well done, smart arse.

Let's see you try and roll low carbohydrate rice now.

-Hmm.

-Genius.

'By blanching them in boiling water, they should soften enough

'to flatten them out.'

-It's held together, hasn't it?

-Yeah, it has.

Well, this looks like a ragout, Kingy, and that looks like pasta.

It does, doesn't it?

I'm really quite surprised to how it's come out.

Well, all we are missing now is some cheese sauce.

-Yeah, just like a plain white sauce thing?

-Yeah.

Then put all the cheese on top, so it really delivers.

-Then we're likely to use less cheese aren't we?

-Aye.

'It's a cheese sauce without cheese.

'So we need to infuse the semi-skimmed milk

'with loads of flavour.

'So, in with onion, bay leaves and a good bit of nutmeg.'

Bring that to the boil, infuse and then thicken.

'Normally, we'd use a butter and flour roux base

'to thicken a white sauce,

'but we know that making a paste with milk and corn flour

-'will do the trick.' Want to lick the spoon?

-Oh.

DAVE CHUCKLES

Now, look, would you not think that that was a cheese sauce?

You would.

'It needs to look like lasagne, so we're layering it up.'

-Looking alarmingly appetising.

-Isn't it?

And then, three leaves of pasta.

Not.

My mouth is beginning to water.

'We're alternating layers of the ragout

'with our sneaky, leeky, faux pasta.'

-Looks like lasagne, Kingy.

-It does.

'The white sauce is just for the top.'

Oh, that's glossy and unctuous. Ooh, aye.

'We'll top it with cheese, but not a lot.

'By using strong cheeses like mature cheddar and parmesan,

'a little goes a long way.'

Looking bigger now it's grated.

Fluffing up like a good'un.

'We eat with our eyes first and then the tongue follows,

'so it's got to look great.'

-That does look like a lasagne, though.

-It does.

See you later.

'And all we can do now is wait, until it's golden and lovely.'

Smells like lasagne.

-Does it look like it?

-Yes!

-Oh, yeah.

'But the proof of our first low-calorie dish is in the eating.'

The sensation of actually, with your mouth watering,

thinking you are going to enjoy a lasagne is there.

-That's not a bad dinner, is it?

-It like a decent plate's worth of food.

-Hey, it's nice.

-It is nice.

-But the leeks...they're like lasagne.

-Mm.

How mad's that?

-Mm!

-Thank God this feels like a meal.

It does. It does. Cos it tastes great.

I can feel it going right down to my boots.

'We think our low-fat Italian classic is molto delicioso'

and whilst we tot up the calorific total,

our new mate, chef Andrew Brown, is trying out the recipe.

So let's get his professional opinion.

-Hey.

-How you doing?

-Good.

So what do you think of the recipe?

-I think it's great. I really think it's a belter.

-Yeah.

It has the look, it has the feel. It has all the smells

that you associate with a good lasagne.

You've managed to achieve fantastic textures and flavours

-in there as well.

-Yeah.

-And that's key.

You're bang in there with the cheese,

you know, that mature cheddar and the Reggiano parmesan.

-It's a great dish.

-It's a cracker. Yeah, it is, a cracker.

Thumbs up from chef then, but I wonder whether our fellow foodies

can spot the difference between this and your full-fat lasagne.

They think we're having a final blow-out meal,

but they don't know that they're tasting our first Hairy Dieters dish.

CHEERING 'Let's hope it delivers.'

Smell that. Have a niff.

-Nice, eh?

-Lovely.

This is it, this is the last lardy arse supper that we're going to have. That's it.

-GUEST:

-I'm looking to see who gives the biggest portion!

-That smells good, doesn't it?

-Smells delicious.

-Have some, gorgeousness.

-I will.

-Thank you.

-It smells good.

-Doesn't it?

Well, buon appetito.

For what we're about to receive...

And make us truly thankful.

Right...

-GUEST:

-Mm, that's delicious!

-Mm.

-It's good, isn't it?

-Really good.

-Very nice.

-Mm, it's lovely.

Mm, really nice.

-What we're eating here is full of flavour.

-It's really tasty.

Mm, it's lovely.

-Mr Myers.

-Yes?

-Should we reveal?

-I think we should.

Are we all agreed just before we do,

-that you've had something lovely to eat?

-Definitely.

-Magic.

-Yeah.

-You're not losing out on the flavours?

-No.

-No.

Ladies and gentlemen...

The secret is...

-..leeks.

-Leeks.

-Leeks.

-That's your pasta.

-Sheets of leeks to form the pasta.

-Good idea.

-Now, the pay-off on this one is

-that sized portion that you've had is 350 calories.

-Wow!

-No?

'That's about half the calories you'd get

'in an average serving of lasagne.'

I wouldn't have even questioned that it wasn't...

Psychologically, I've had lasagne, so having had this,

I'm definitely less inclined to hit the biscuit tin later.

You've conned us, and it's really delicious and low-calorie.

But also it's not difficult.

No, we always say we try and do our recipes like an airfix kit.

If you follow the instructions, at the end you'll have a Spitfire.

Or a lasagne. THEY LAUGH

And you don't have to be a chef or a cook to do that.

-It's losing weight in the nicest possible way, isn't it?

-Yeah.

If I can be good 80% of the time

and then still enjoy the foods that I love,

and I've got the balance right, then Bob's your uncle.

I'm won't give up my steak and kidney pudding.

I'm just going to have to have it once or twice a week.

What I find incredible

and this is the different plains we're on. You're going,

"Well, if that's what I have to eat for the next five days, then..."

I'm thinking, "Get on! Let's eat this for the next six days

"and we'll be buzzing!"

-Don't worry, mate, the best is yet to come!

-Right.

Can I just say a thank you to Si and Dave and Andrew

-for cooking this delicious meal.

-Yeah.

-Cheers, thank you.

-ALL: Cheers.

-Excellent.

-Fabulous.

Well, there's nowt like good food, good company and good conversation,

-is there?

-Exactly that.

-SIMON GIGGLES

-Well, that worked.

-That was interesting, wasn't it?

-Yeah!

We did it there. It was a brilliant plate of food that people loved

and they didn't even question that the lasagne that we served them

-didn't have any pasta in it.

-No.

-I think it leaves us feeling pretty encouraged, don't you?

-Oh, yeah.

One meal down, and that was a hit.

But we'll need plenty more where that came from.

Cos our real challenge this series is to create a repertoire

of great dishes we'll all enjoy. Because we're going to need them

if we're going to reach our goals in just over three months' time.

'We're never going to be stickmen, are we, Kingy?

'But what are you aiming for?'

I think probably...

if I'm dead honest, I think it's just to take my top off

without having to think that I'm a lardy.

Yeah, but you do that anyway.

It is true, you are a man that has a caravan on a nudist colony.

It's not, it's naturists - all a bit hippy-trippy.

It's true, he has. Yeah, but you do,

-he's in altogether, prancing around, you know, playing badminton.

-I don't,

I just do it on the beach and go for a swim!

-Hell of a sight trying to find your shuttlecock.

-It's not easy!

I just want to take my top off without thinking about it.

What about you, mucker?

Do you remember some years ago we met Paul Smith,

-the fashion designer?

-Yes.

And I said, "Paul, I love your stuff. I wish you did bigger sizes."

I want to walk into Paul Smith

and buy myself a Paul Smith suit off the peg.

That's a good one. Yeah.

And do you know what, Kingy, another thing. My knees are starting to hurt.

DAVE LAUGHS

For our recipes and tips on how to enjoy food

and still lose weight, go to...

'Next time, our challenge is to create delicious home-cooked food...'

Now that's a poached egg!

'..so we can still relish every meal time,

'yet not exceed our 1,200-odd calorie target.'

That's a wonder to behold!

'And the Hairy Bikers become Hairy Cyclists!'

I'm sure this bit's uphill!

'But will it all pay off on the scales?'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd