Christmas Compilation The Hairy Bikers Home for Christmas

Christmas. We love this time of year.

Yeah, wrapping presents, decorating the tree and generally making merry.

And nothing beats a bit of Christmas home cooking

shared with family and friends.

Delicious festive food for all occasions, packed with flavour

-and full of love.

-Ding-dong merrily on high.

And we'll be joined by some familiar faces

to get us all into the festive spirit.

That is preposterously wonderful.

-ALL:

-Merry Christmas.

We'll also find out how to make someone's day with

delicious home-made foodie gifts.

So, hang up your stockings, tweak your tinsel...

Turn on your fairy lights and relax.

-BOTH:

-We're home for Christmas!

It's Christmas Day,

the presents are wrapped, the house is decorated,

and the tree is lit.

Now, for a cook, it's the perfect time to show off.

Everybody's looking forward to your Christmas dinner,

so what do you do? Pull out all the stops!

We're making porchetta pork loin

served with sauteed chard and Parmesan.

And a spectacular Christmas croquembouche.

And to get us into the festive spirit,

we'll be joined by some familiar faces.

The Rev Kate Bottley, television's favourite vicar.

Ohh!

It's a singing hostess trolley!

Denise Lewis joins us for some festive fun.

Do you still indulge in all the pigs in blankets

-and all the accessories?

-Yes, there'll be a fight going on

in the house if there are no pigs in blankets.

And we're joined by Jon Culshaw, and it turns into a bit of a houseful.

-AS TRUMP:

-Welcome here to the Trump Hairy Bikers Steakhouse

And Cake-Making Store. This is fantastic.

You would not believe how great this cake is going to be.

It's a great cake.

But, first, this guest could brighten up any day,

-Christmas or not.

-BOTH:

-Alex Jones!

-Thank you, boys.

Hello, and welcome, Alex. How are you?

Very well. How are you?

We're all right. You're looking very festive.

-Well, I don't do Christmas by half.

-No, you don't!

-No, you don't!

I mean, get the jumpers out, I love sparkle.

-Do you love Christmas?

-I do, I do.

But it starts for me in about end of October.

I mean, my husband finds it all a bit too much.

-Yes.

-Yes.

-So, are you an early Christmas present shopper?

Oh, no. No, last minute, but I'm early on the sherry!

THEY LAUGH

You're early on the Christmas spirit.

On the Christmas spirit.

Organisation - not so much.

Your family, do you ever have Stilton at Christmas?

We do, we love a bit of Stilton.

-Yes, tick.

-Tick.

-Figs?

-Figs, love figs.

-Tick.

-Oh, we're doing well.

We're going to be doing figs that are stuffed with Stilton,

wrapped in Parma ham

and roasted with thyme and honey and served with...

With a fabulous apple and beetroot salsa.

It's all mixed in, it's going to be fab.

First off, I've got to just take the top off my figs.

-Give us a couple to take off for you.

-Oh, these are so ripe.

We take them and we put a cross in them, like so.

-It's quite far down, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Then you squeeze it from the bottom.

You see, it just opens up, just like a blossom.

Look at this, they're like orchids.

I mean, Alex, this has been a massive year for you

and, obviously, having the baby,

this is your first Christmas with your new family.

It is and I suppose when I, you know,

imagined having children, I'd always imagined it at Christmas time

and the idea for me of having a family was always the one thing

I always wanted, so we are just thrilled that this is going to be

-the first year with little Ted.

-What is Christmas like for you?

Well, Charlie's from New Zealand, so he's been living in the UK for about

18 years and every year so far, he's been with myself and my parents,

because I'm a bit of a child when it comes to Christmas -

I can't bear the thought of being away from my own parents.

It's very childish, and I appreciate that,

but it's just the one time of year I like going home.

I like everything to be the same

as it has been since I was a little girl, and he's just got to fit in.

-Poor bloke!

-Basically! But when we go home to Mum and Dad's

house at Christmas, he is not allowed in the kitchen.

Mum and Dad, they've got their routine, you know,

they move around each other in the kitchen like a dance

-and you just have to leave them to it.

-It's lovely, that, isn't it,

when the gang's in the kitchen

and it's all choreographed cos they've done it for so long.

-Completely.

-It was like my mum at Christmas -

she was in charge of the kitchen and everybody worked to Mam, and she was

brilliant and I don't think anybody does Christmas like the UK.

-Oh, I mean...

-They don't, do they?

-..my husband keeps saying,

"Right, we are going to New Zealand for Christmas" -

and we are this year - however... Who wants a hot Christmas?

Nobody. I mean, I don't even like it when it's mild here.

-Who wants mild weather?

-No, I hate it!

-Get the snow out.

You see, my thinking behind this is Teddy won't remember this one.

By the time he does,

we'll be back in Mum and Dad's house in West Wales!

THEY LAUGH

Right, shall we stuff the figs?

-Yes, why not?

-So, we've mashed this to a point of oblivion

and what we do is you take the fig, I'll take this over here.

-I'll just tidy up a bit.

-Thank you.

-We're tidying.

And you just take a little ball of the Stilton

and push it into that blossoming fig.

Now, we are going to cook these so it's all going to melt and it's

going to mix in. You know, like, the sour Stilton

-is going to mix with the sweet fig. It's going to be fabulous.

-It is.

So, would you have this as a starter or would you have this as,

you know, something like a canape in a drinks party?

I'd have it in front of the telly!

THEY LAUGH

Watching The Great Escape!

It would be a starter, I think,

-because it's quite a substantial thing.

-It's quite rich, isn't it?

I'm going to wrap these in the Parma ham.

Any kind of air-dried ham would do.

Serrano, presunto.

Take it like so.

And just about two-thirds of the way up,

just wrap it, caress it, put it in its little blanket.

It's like Jesus in his swaddling bands in the manger.

-Made from ham.

-Will that stay like that, then?

-Yeah, yeah.

-All that will happen is

the ham will tighten around as it cooks.

It will tighten around the fig

and then you get the crispy edges to it. It's so nice.

It's like how your jeans go tight around you by about Boxing Day.

I mean, Alex, if you cooked Christmas dinner,

-what would it be like?

-Terrible.

-Really?

Oh, I mean, I've never cooked a Sunday lunch,

let alone a Christmas dinner.

But, you see, Mum and Dad are brilliant cooks, you know?

So, Mum does the traditional stuff,

Dad does the more experimental stuff -

he likes sort of curries, risottos,

that sort of thing, and, between them,

they're a force to be reckoned with in the kitchen.

I just didn't get the memo. I don't know what happened to me.

My sister is fantastic and they tried their best.

They cooked with us when we were children, I'm married to a chef.

I don't know what happened.

If we had to force you to cook us Christmas dinner,

-what would you cobble up for us?

-I think I'd go traditional.

I'd probably add a Yorkshire pudding.

-I know it's not right.

-No, I agree.

Is there any time in life when you wouldn't want a Yorkshire pudding?

-No.

-No.

-No.

-No.

-True.

So I'd go Yorkshire pudding.

What we've got now is we want some olive oil in here,

just about a tablespoon.

And some honey.

-Do you want me to chop those?

-Yeah,

if you chop the thyme, that would be great.

And that's that soft thyme, so the stalks and everything can go in.

So, so far, we've taken the tops off the figs,

we've cut a cross in the top and opened the fig up,

stuffed it with mashed Stilton and wrapped it in Parma ham

and in this bowl, I've got some honey and some oil,

and Si's chopping some thyme.

Everything has its place on this little simple dish

and just drizzle the honey and oil,

make sure every fig's got a little bit.

You see - honey, Stilton, sweet, savoury, crispy.

We're trying to tick those boxes, Alex.

I think I could manage this recipe.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-I think you do yourself a disservice.

I think if you concentrated on stuff,

because, as your career has shown,

you can do anything you put your mind to.

-Oh, thank you, Si.

-Yeah, if you don't get fired!

That was back in the day.

I mean, you know, I started off in television as a runner, you know,

as most people do, and worked my way up and I was hideous at it.

I picked up Michael Crawford, you know, the first Phantom, Michael,

you know, Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em,

from the airport and the director-producer had said to me,

"Now, take him for some lunch

"because we're not quite ready for him,

"take him for some lunch on the way to the set."

So I took him to a McDonald's drive-through.

You took him into a McDonald's drive-through?

Well, I did, because I didn't have any money, Si,

and I didn't have petty cash and so that's all I could afford.

I mean, he hadn't had a chicken nugget for years

and he enjoyed it.

You know...!

"Where are you with Michael?" "Oh, at the drive-through."

-We'll be there now!

-Oh, oh!

-That is genius!

-And was that what got you the sack?

No, it wasn't that. I think it was probably, um...

We were filming with an orchestra and Julian Lloyd Webber,

who's Andrew...Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's brother,

was doing a big solo on the cello and he said, "Listen, Alex,

"do you mind just watching my cello

"because I need to take a phone call?"

-Oh, no!

-I went, "Yes, no problem."

Anyway, I got chatting to this parking attendant,

who was quite handsome, and, when Julian Lloyd Webber came back,

the said cello, Stradivarius, worth millions, had disappeared.

Oh, no!

Oh, I felt cold.

And so we looked everywhere for this cello - nowhere to be found.

Luckily, somebody had seen this cello on its own

and taken it and put it under the stage but, of course,

this was three-quarters of an hour later.

-I mean, the man was raging by this point.

-Aw!

-I think that was the icing on the cake.

-So that's what did it.

That's what did it, probably.

But you have to say, Alex, that you did that in style.

-If you're going to go down, you go down properly.

-And to be fair,

the same company who fired me then rang me a week later and said,

"Look, you can't be a researcher or a runner any more,

"but would you like to come in and do a screen test?"

And then that's how I started as a presenter.

-Well, there you go.

-Right, well,

I've got that finely-chopped thyme and we just sprinkle...

Make sure - it is Christmas - each fig has got its fair share.

Now, we pop that into a hot oven.

-Hot!

-Hot!

200 degrees Celsius for 15 minutes,

which gives my friend here just time

to knock up his apple and beetroot salsa.

# Uno, dos, tres

# Cuatro, cinco, seis, uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis... #

-Not that sort of salsa.

-No, no, no.

You did a fabulous salsa on Strictly, didn't you?

It was awful! My mother, right, she was watching me on Strictly,

week one, and she said, "Oh, Alex,

"how long is this going to go on for? Because I enjoy this programme

"normally and this is really putting me off - I feel stressed."

I said, "All right, Mam,

"don't worry, I'll be out probably week three."

Anyway, semifinals, I was still there,

-and it was just to annoy my mother!

-Oh, gosh!

Right, mate, could you dice me?

-Certainly will.

-Thank you.

Onion and then we start with the beetroot.

Now, you know the beetroot that you get in the vacuum packs - it's that,

it's not the pickled one.

Don't use the pickled one.

Just boiled beetroot, isn't it?

Exactly. Just an apple.

I'm just going to dice that the same size as our beetroot.

Add it to the bowl. Dave's coming over with the onion.

It's just a lovely assembly, this, and it's really quite quick.

Great mixture of flavours, isn't it?

It is, it's lovely. And then we're going to take some thyme

and some tarragon. Use the soft parts of both

and just chop that really, really finely.

-Would you mind chopping me some walnuts, Dave, please?

-Certainly.

-Look at the colours, aren't they lovely?

-Oh, beautiful.

It's the flavours of Christmas as well, isn't it?

Absolutely, man, absolutely.

And, then, what we're going to do is make, in a very large bowl,

some cider vinegar,

about a tablespoon, and then two tablespoons of walnut oil.

-Oh, walnut oil.

-Yes, it's lovely.

And this is going to be our dressing. A bit of salt.

Not too much.

A little bit of pepper.

Give it a mix.

And that goes over...the salsa.

It's kind of the Christmas colours as well, isn't it?

It is, it's lovely.

And we just give it a stir.

And then put...

..some lovely walnuts into the salsa

and then save some to sprinkle over

the plate as a lovely finish, and it'll look really nice.

And the walnuts will say it's Christmas still.

Great, I'll get the serving plate.

-Yes.

-Are we there, mate?

-Oh, yes.

-Fantastic.

A thing of beauty, actually.

-Oh. Not too shabby, are they?

-How lovely are they?

That liquor's going to be beautiful.

Right, well, I think what we'll do...

..we'll put a bit of this...

-..on the bottom.

-It's oozy-licious, isn't it?

It's all your super foods in there.

It is, it is, they're all there.

-That should be big enough, I think.

-Oh, aye, yeah!

Beautiful.

They remind me of little jacket potatoes.

THEY LAUGH

-Bring it back to basic.

-See, this is the best bit.

You've got a fig, the thyme, the honey.

Beautiful.

A few sprinkles of walnuts.

Alex, there you go.

Oh, look at that!

DAVE LAUGHS

Yes! That is amazing!

Oh!

-Yes?

-Taste sensation...

-I think it's a hit.

-..right there.

-Can we join you?

-Go on.

-Mmm!

-Mmm!

-That works well.

-It does, doesn't it?

-Mmm!

-Mmm!

It's sweet, it's salty, it's savoury.

Full of flavours of Christmas.

It's delicious. Don't mind me.

-WHISPERING:

-I think she likes it.

-I think we're on a winner.

Figs stuffed with Stilton wrapped in Parma ham

with beetroot, walnut and apple salsa.

A dish that oozes flavour.

Now, Christmas is the season to spread peace and joy,

so why not brighten up somebody's day

with a really thoughtful gift that's made with love?

Jo Ingleby has a great idea

for a gift that's not only fun, but tasty, too.

We're going to make a Christmas tree made from crackers.

This is something a little bit unusual

which you can either serve yourselves

as the centre of a cheese board or a kind of tapas,

or you can take it as a gift for friends.

I get my kids involved in making this as well,

because it's a really lovely, fun thing to make as a family.

Doesn't take too long as well.

So what I do is just get regular porridge oats

and just whizz them really quickly in a food processor.

And then you're adding to that some different flavours.

This is where your creativity comes into it.

You can add anything you like to this.

You can make them really hot and spicy, if you want to.

You could add a little bit of Stilton or some grated Parmesan

to give a cheesy flavour.

The key is rolling out the crackers really, really thin.

So, we're talking, you know,

probably about the thickness of a 5p piece.

I use a variety of star-shaped cutters here.

You can buy a set, if you want to,

but what I did is raided my children's Play-Doh kit,

and I also got some cookie cutters, different sized,

borrowed some from friends.

It really doesn't matter about being perfect here.

Each star that you make is going to need a hole in the middle.

There's lots of ways you can do that, but it needs to be absolutely

in the middle, so be careful with this one.

And you pop that straight into a hot oven,

and it takes about ten minutes.

Basically, they need to feel quite dry when you pick them up.

If they still feel heavy and quite dense, then they probably need

a little bit longer.

So, you need a nice, long stem of rosemary.

I'm going to strip all the leaves off,

apart from the last little bunch at the top.

So they're going to stick out of the top of the crackers

like a little top of a Christmas tree.

So, suddenly, you can see this coming together and starting to look

like a Christmas tree. It doesn't matter that they're all different

shapes and sizes, that's perfect. It's a little bit rustic.

It's a bit of Christmas on your plate.

Our brilliant guest today, well, he was expected,

but he may have brought some unexpected guests with him -

Jon Culshaw!

THEY CHEER

-Hello, nice to see you!

-Merry Christmas, Jon!

Merry Christmas to you, too. Merry Christmas to you, too.

So do you like Christmas?

It's a wonderful time of year.

I always call it the time of year

where you restore your factory settings.

And I love to go home, shut the door,

and for two weeks, or whatever the amount of time, just do nothing.

-It's great.

-Just do nothing.

-We've got a bit of a surprise for you,

because what we're going to do is,

we're actually going to make a Christmas cake.

Don't you have to make your Christmas cakes in September, Si?

No. Not with this one, Dave.

You see what he did there? Was good that, wasn't it?

Not with this one, because it's a relatively quick one.

The first thing I'm going to do is, I'm going to zest an orange,

a lemon and a lime.

I am going to cream together some butter...

-..and some sugar.

-That's splendid, isn't it?

Look at that, all that butter and sugar,

-the greatest things in this world!

-Ever.

THEY LAUGH

I'm getting the aroma now, that sugary, buttery aroma.

I'm going to add four eggs.

So what was Christmas like when you were a child, Jon?

Oh, it was wonderful. It was just very...

I remember the Kay's catalogue.

-Do you remember the Kay's catalogue?

-Yes!

And you sort of sensed that there was potential here,

you may receive some of these things at Christmas.

It's on its way, Santa's coming!

-Yes.

-Yeah. And what do you do, what traditions do you maintain?

I always have a tradition whereby,

from Christmas Eve to New Year's Day,

you're allowed to have chocolates for breakfast.

THEY LAUGH

That's brilliant!

But I just love the sense of doing absolutely nothing.

And I love that time of the day, the late afternoon, winter sunsets,

when the stars start to come out,

-and it's just wonderful to get out into that.

-Fab.

Now, I'm going to add our spices.

So we have cinnamon, mace, allspice,

nutmeg and cloves, and a little bit of cardamom.

There we go.

Ah, splendid.

And then we're going to take the juice of an orange and the flour.

And then we add some ground almonds.

I've got the zest of my orange, my lemon and my lime.

Looks quite nice, doesn't it?

It's all your five a day in one glorious cake mix!

You've got 15 in this one, Jon!

And I've got some dried apricots.

Currants.

Raisins.

And sultanas.

The inevitable glace cherries.

Orange and lemon candied peel.

And now, this is something we always do in a fruitcake, dried pineapple.

And our nut of choice for this cake is cashew nuts.

So, we give this a stir, and then...

Again, to continue with our... almost kind of tropical theme,

using 100ml of white rum.

-Oh, yes.

-Yes.

When did you start to do impressions, then, Jon?

I think it was probably,

a big part of it was watching Mike Yarwood's Christmas shows.

-Yes.

-Yes.

And probably a repeat of The Sky At Night with Sir Patrick Moore,

who I found very, very captivating, very fascinating indeed,

speaking very, very quickly

and one eye open slightly more than the other.

SI AND DAVE LAUGH

So, I think, yes, that probably teed things off as well.

There's something about...

There's something about what you do and how you deliver it,

is absolutely hilarious, and it is so precise, though.

Do you watch videos of people and then look at yourself in the mirror?

-How does it evolve?

-Yeah, it's...

You do watch videos over and over again,

you know, just download a clip on to the tablet

and just watch it over and over again.

If you listen over and over again to something...

-Yes.

-..and you have it, like, in your mind.

-AS OZZY:

-Ozzy Osborne, I'm imagining Ozzy Osborne now, you know.

That sort of, like, little wobble that he does,

it just sort of puts you in a good mood, you know.

SI AND DAVE LAUGH

And you just see the people and get it out there.

Is there a science to it, do you think?

Yeah, I think there is. You're looking for the aspect

of someone's voice or their mannerisms which are funny,

but you want to know which bits to exaggerate, to find the humour.

You want to look for the little nuances and foibles

that perhaps people don't realise they've noticed,

and then you get a lovely element of surprise with that.

One of my favourite is Professor Brian Cox...

-AS BRIAN COX:

-..who has this very specific delivery,

sometimes a word at a time, like that,

to explain the concepts.

And our cake is very much like the laws of physics

which bind the galaxy together.

If the fruit over there represents the stars and the planets,

and the planet-forming regions,

then this represents the dark matter and dark energy

that will bind the galaxy together, and...

SI AND DAVE LAUGH

It's like being with Coxy, isn't it?

-It's bizarre!

-We've got a house full!

But it's your mannerisms as well, though,

it just draws you straight in. It's fabulous.

-AS TRUMP:

-Well, yes, I think the greatest one of those

is probably The Donald.

It's probably The Donald. Welcome here to the Trump Hairy Bikers

Steakhouse And Cake-Making Store. This is fantastic,

you would not believe how great this cake is going to be,

it's a great cake. It's so fantastic, it's absolutely great.

-SI AND DAVE LAUGH

-His mannerisms like that.

Look at that. That's quite glorious.

It is. Look at the colours.

And now we're just going to fold it in.

On cookery programmes they always say, "Prepare your cake tin."

Well, we've done this, but we want to show you how.

It's a normal cake tin.

We've greased the bottom with some butter

and cut a disc of baking parchment that fits the bottom of that tin.

Oh, yeah.

Now it needs what I liken to a chef's hat.

And what it does is, it stops the top of the cake from burning,

cos this cake is going to be in the oven for about three hours.

I have to say,

this is a heavy mix.

There we go.

Now, this needs to go into a preheated oven

at 180 degrees Celsius for one hour.

After the hour, turn it down to 150 Celsius.

See you later.

We've got a little something for you.

Thank you. I'm very touched, I'm very touched.

And thank you for coming on the show.

I'm opening the paper very carefully so it can be re-used!

-Are you one of those?!

-Yes!

-You are not!

-I am!

-Oh, no!

-Oh, Jon, come on, man!

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

There we are. Now that is quite, quite magnificent.

Christmas, of course, at the height of the astronomy season

and through those, yes, very, very marvellous,

we can see the Pleiades quite clearly.

Very faint with the naked eye, but put the binoculars on them

and you will see the richness of it, quite magnificent.

It's well known, Jon, that you have a love of astronomy.

-Yes.

-When you're with Brian Cox on the programmes,

do you find yourself inadvertently impersonating him?

At times.

-AS BRIAN COX:

-I think he finds it quite fascinating to see, you know,

the vocal patterns that we have.

There was one time he said, "Yeah, I see you doing this with your hand.

"I've stopped doing it now!"

THEY LAUGH

Of all your impressions,

which one is it that you think brought you to fame?

I suppose it might have been William Hague.

That was quite notorious, yes.

I was working with Steve Penk at the time over on Capital Radio,

and we were talking about a new William Hague impression

and talking, that, "Well, we might as well phone Downing Street."

So Steve got the number of the Cabinet Office

from directory enquiries, just like that.

The idea of the joke was meant to be Hague would say,

"Yes, could I, could I speak to the Prime Minister?"

and someone would say, "No, go away, stop wasting our time."

"Well, am I not important enough? This is an outrage!"

But the very helpful lady said, "Yes, who is it, please?"

"Yes, it's William Hague."

"Just a moment, we'll go and fetch the Prime Minister."

He appeared on the line.

-AS BLAIR:

-Hello.

-HE FAKE LAUGHS AS BLAIR

The unmistakable sort of voice, always with a grin there,

"And I think what's important is..."

You know, your body language stiffens

and your face becomes a little bit like the Joker,

and then your body language sort of takes on the form of C-3PO.

And in the press at the time, Blair had always said, you know,

"Let's be informal, call me Tony."

But William Hague wouldn't go along with that.

-AS WILLIAM HAGUE:

-Rather sardonically addressed him

as "Prime Minister".

So when, on this call, I said, "You all right, Tony?"

-AS BLAIR:

-He knew something was up,

but he played along good-naturedly.

-Gosh.

-It's about time we did the cake and took it out of the oven.

-Ooh!

-I think so.

-Should we?

-Yeah, come on.

-I cannae wait to see that.

-Let's have a look. It's looking in good form.

-Excellent.

It's looking in very good form from here.

SI AND DAVE LAUGH

-Yes.

-# Ta-da! #

-Oh, look.

-The cake is in the house.

-Look at that.

Because it's Christmas, we have to make an effort, don't we?

-We do, we do.

-We do. What we've got in here is apricot jam.

We're going to melt it down, and then...

We're going to apply marzipan.

Flip your cake,

and we'll put the marzipan on that side.

Flat surface. This is our apricot jam, nice and liquid.

And this is the glue that's going to stick our wonderful marzipan

to our lovely Christmas cake.

And all you do is that.

There we go.

And there...

..is our cake ready to receive its lovely winter coat.

We've bought ready-rolled marzipan.

Oh, I think it's going to work, dude.

-Oh, look at that.

-It is. And we just mould that down with your hands.

Look how smooth that is.

We'll cut this round here.

Mr King, make it beautiful!

Oh, it's beginning to sizzle.

The force will be with you, always.

-Thank you, Jon.

-Now, over here, we've got all manner of decorations.

We've got the ubiquitous sprig of holly.

-That's a good bit.

-Oh, nice.

That'll do. We're just going to use those

as almost Christmas decorations on the cake.

-Shall we start with this?

-Yeah.

Just push it in so it stays in place.

I'm going to put that there, so it's...

Oh, that's nice, Dave, just that, actually.

Looks lovely.

Cos it is a spiced Christmas cake,

-so we want to give that idea of spice.

-Yeah.

Just to finish, that little coronet.

Do you think that's enough, Si?

I certainly, certainly do.

-Yes.

-A work of art, that.

Well, that is our last-minute spiced Christmas cake, Jon.

That is wonderful. What a work of art that is.

-Well, it's as much for eating as decoration.

-Absolutely.

Go on, Kingy, let's have a slice.

-Are we allowed to now?

-Yes, we are.

-I've waited for this.

-Let's go here.

Got just the right amount of resistance, doesn't it, the cake?

It sort of fights back a little bit.

-OK.

-Oh, my goodness.

Oh, yes, look at that. It's a good looker.

-Right, come on, let's go.

-May I?

My mother used to say it was almost too nice to cut.

SI AND DAVE LAUGH

What do you reckon?

-Good?

-Oh!

-AS TRUMP:

-I think this is a wonderful cake, it's so beautiful,

it was so wonderful to witness how you made it.

And the marzipan,

I'm going to use it as my hair for when it's raining

and that's going to be so fantastic.

You would not believe how great that cake is,

it's a great cake, it's fantastic, I love how you did that,

that is fantastic.

Last-minute Christmas cake.

Rich, fruity and spectacular.

If you're still looking for that special Christmas gift,

why not try and make one yourself?

Christian Bigland has the perfect festive suggestion

that would brighten anybody's stocking.

The reason why I'm poaching pears in sherry is, well,

because it's Christmas, and, for me,

and probably for a lot of other people,

sherry and Christmas go hand-in-hand.

What I want to try and entice is a little comfort

when I give a gift, you know, and also a little warmth.

I think sherry might have a little bit of a bad rep as being that warm,

dusty bottle in your granny's booze cabinet,

which has been there for years.

However, what's been happening is that sherry's been gaining

in popularity, and there are some beautiful sherries available.

I've chosen oloroso, which has been aged,

so it's got a beautiful, nutty flavour.

The colour is really attractive.

It's got a kind of chestnut colour to it.

So, we've got lemons, cinnamon, cardamom and bay leaf.

And slightly spoilt is how I feel when saffron is on the table.

So, I thought I'd chuck that in

just to give it that extra Christmas feel.

And the flavours that I'm adding are all absorbed and soaked up

into those pears, so that every bite of that pear

just reminds you of the season, the time of year.

Poached pears can be made and eaten immediately.

Or, because that syrup is high in sugar

and has the spice flavour, you can cover the pears with the syrup,

jar it in a beautiful jar.

The pears are there, shining like little jewels.

Everyone's favourite time in the meal, arguably, the pudding.

So, I'm bringing pudding to the party this Christmas.

A nice luggage label telling the recipient about the pears,

and there's a beautiful gift.

We have the one, the only Denise Lewis OBE, and gold medal Olympian.

-Welcome. Thank you for having me.

-And a very merry Christmas to you.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas to you, too.

Do you love Christmas?

I do, and I have grown to love it even more so since I have had

my children and my own family.

Of course, of course, because it is the big event, it's the big day,

everybody gets excited.

Yeah, they get excited, it's a chance to spend time together,

real quality time which we are all searching for.

And so, the perfect time is Christmas.

How old are your children?

15, 11 and 9.

So they are actually fully immersive in Christmas now.

-They love it.

-We have got a special dish for you.

We're going to cook an Italian porchetta roast on a bed of potatoes

and onions. It is a wonderful party sharing dish.

Now, what the butcher has done is he has boned this loin out,

but left the pork belly.

What happens is the fat seeps into the loin,

and keeps it beautifully moist.

I have to say, as a child, we didn't eat that much pork,

and I used to just assume it was because it was so dry.

Well, this is an absolute cast-iron guarantee that you're going to get

a moist, tasty, beautifully crispy joint.

I'm going to make a stuffing,

but it is not a stuffing like you would do for turkey or...

It is more a paste, isn't it?

Now, that is a whole head of garlic, some chilli flakes,

and some crushed fennel seeds.

About three tablespoons of rosemary, and the zest of a lemon.

I can smell some of those herbs.

-Yeah.

-Just imagine.

I'm just wasting time here.

Wow.

So, Denise, do you do the cooking at home at Christmas?

Well, it's actually a bit of a family affair.

As it should be. Obviously, I do most of the hard work, of course.

THEY LAUGH

But my kids and my husband get stuck in, you know,

so they will be in charge of the potatoes, the veg,

and I will take care of all the meat and the presentation.

-The table layout...

-Who does the drinks at Christmas?

That's my husband. Yeah, he does the drinks,

and he will certainly hammer through them as well, but it's...!

Well done, Steve, well done.

I'm going to put a bit of olive oil in,

then I'm going to dribble white wine in until we have that said paste.

Can you just use any white wine or does it have to be cooking wine?

No, there is a really famous saying.

Never put anything into a dish that you're not prepared to drink.

-That was Keith Floyd, wasn't it?

-It was.

-Are we there yet?

-Are we there yet?

-Are we there yet!

-A little bit more.

About 50ml of wine will do nicely.

Do you enjoy cooking?

I do. But I've had to get used to larger numbers.

But I think that's where the preparation comes in handy.

In one, absolutely.

Are you good at preparation?

I've got better. I've got better over the years, you know,

certain things that you can do, you can leave things overnight,

and so you can actually interact with people instead of just being

head down in the kitchen all day.

Well, this dish is perfect for a party,

because of course you can make it a couple of days in advance.

You get it rolled, stuffed, you leave it in the fridge for two days,

the flavours are just going to get better and better.

So, Denise, how did you learn how to cook?

By observation, just watched my mum.

She was a really good cook.

She liked to experiment.

And so, it must have filtered into my consciousness,

because I never thought I'd be able to prepare the meals that I do today.

Well, you know, I think that's how we all learn, isn't it?

I mean, certainly, Dave and I, from our parents, and friends.

And the pleasure you get from that.

-Yeah.

-But are you laidback at Christmas

or are you kind of hyper organised?

I tell you what I have done is popped round to the neighbours,

and had very unusual sparkling Shiraz.

Oh, yes.

-It's nice that.

-And lethal.

Yeah, no, it does get you a bit tiddly.

Yes, I had probably two, three glasses of that,

forgot that the turkey was in, half an hour/hour chat turned into four hours,

and it was carnage.

My bird was literally...

When I came to pick it up, the undercarriage fell off.

-Overcooked.

-I've got to say,

when your undercarriage falls off your bird, it's a tragic tale of woe.

It is. What has Santa left for you?

The undercarriage and no breast!

You could just have told your guests it was Cajun.

-I know!

-You could have!

Right, so I've just put the onions and the potatoes in the tray

ready to receive those beautiful cooking juices.

It's where you go all panto, isn't it?

Do you just slob out in front of the telly like the rest of us

on Christmas Day and Boxing Day?

-Yes.

-Cos I bet you've got lots of tracksuits!

I've got a fair few.

But, yeah, I like to relax.

But I'm always on the go. I'm an industrious worker at Christmas, as well.

Well, yeah, you look like an industrious worker, I have to say.

Of course. Now, here is a top tip.

What we're going to do is we are going to put a little pocket

to receive Dave's fantastic paste.

Shall we stuff some down there?

-Absolutely.

-For starters. But you get almost like,

when you cut it, you get this little vein of herbage.

Herbage? I love that.

-Herbage.

-But it is great cold, this dish, as well.

So lovely.

That is a top tip. Obviously people are used to scoring on the outside,

but also this pocket is handy.

It smells fantastic.

-Doesn't it?

-Yeah.

-Doesn't it smell great?

Now, if you've noticed,

what we haven't done is there is no salt in this paste,

because if you put salt in now, it will draw all the moisture out

of the meat, which is fatal.

That is what we don't want.

We are trying to keep the moisture in.

So what are you going to cook for Christmas lunch, Denise?

Well, depending on how this turns out...

-Might have a convert.

-Oh, brilliant!

Might be a convert. I think it's fantastic.

The thing about porcetta is, remember, it's this big.

If you get a pork loin that's that long, it's exactly the same method.

So you could feed 15, 20 people, and what a centrepiece for your party.

So...

Should I hold and you knot?

Absolutely. That would be grand.

Do you still indulge in all the pigs in blankets?

There will be literally a fight going on in the house

if there are no pigs in blankets.

We once wrote a leftover recipe

that involved leftover pigs in blankets,

and somebody said, "Are you mad?!

"This is not going to happen!"

But even with your rarefied athletic system,

do you allow yourself pigs in blankets and bread sauce,

or does it sabotage the entire machine?

What I do is I pick them out, some of them, before I get to the table.

So I have my portion whilst I'm cooking, so no-one notices that I'm eating it,

so I create an illusion of holiness.

Yes, well, ladies and gentlemen,

the doughnut on the way to the car from the supermarket car park,

that does count.

-You devil!

-I know, little devil.

Now, we have got this rolled, we have got the paste in,

we have some water in the bottom of the tray.

-Why the water?

-It stops it burning, then we've got some wine.

You probably want to leave this to dry out and to be in the fridge

for at least 24 hours.

And the reason that we want the skin to dry out

is that it forms a better crackling,

and then we will push salt into all of those scores

that your lovely butcher has made.

So it's OK to salt the skin, but not the meat?

-Definitely.

-You must salt the skin.

-Yeah.

-Perfect.

And then just rub it all over with oil.

OK?

And then season with salt again, and have you noticed,

the salt now starts to stick,

and it will form a beautiful salty crust which will help the crackling no end.

It's fantastic. I mean, it looks impressive,

but the top tips there that I think people can really apply

to their cooking and just make a big difference.

Now, this needs to go into a low oven, 150 Celsius, for four hours.

Then we take the foil off, and put the oven right up to, say, 200,

220 Celsius, for the last half-hour,

and your joint will be cooked perfectly.

Beautiful porchetta.

I feel like I want to give it a round of applause,

it looks that fantastic.

That crackling is a sight to behold.

Did your mum use to do this?

SPOON TAPS ON CRACKLING

Listen to it, I mean, it's just...

-It's just beautiful.

-Yes, it's all right, there.

Should I, Mr Myers?

You carve, I will serve up the accoutrements.

It's lovely, you can see the herbs in the middle.

Phwoar!

There is a big bit of crackling there.

-Yeah.

-And it has definitely got Denise's name all over it.

That has got my name on it, hasn't it? This is the moment I've been waiting for.

Yes!

-Thank you for coming.

-Thank you for having me, this looks incredible.

You're very, very welcome.

Mm.

Those herbs.

-Yeah.

-For me, it is so succulent.

Oh, brilliant.

-Go on, mate, let's have a go.

-Apple sauce.

Now, that pops.

-Doesn't it?

-That really does pop.

But there is one bit you can't just cut with your fork.

-No.

-No.

-And this is where I regress to my childhood.

-Go on, Denise.

PORK CRACKLES

Oh!

Magic.

Porchetta pork loin,

perfect for when you have a crowd.

Welcome to our little world of Christmas joy!

-Kate Bottley!

-Hey!

-Wa-hey!

It's so festive and gorgeous!

-It's like you! Look at you!

-Well, I did like to make an effort.

I tell you what, Reverend, you look fantastic.

-Thank you very much.

-And it's great for the big day that we all

haven't got to forget actually what it's about.

-It's a Christian festival.

-It is a Christian festival.

I think the thing is about Christmas Day, it's about family,

it's about friends, and it's about food, isn't it?

You know, and it's about getting together and everyone just seems

a little bit nicer to each other on Christmas Day.

Well, until about four o'clock in the afternoon when they all

-fall out over Monopoly!

-Do you actually get Christmas Day off?

Well, I work Christmas Day morning, of course,

and Christmas Eve's really busy.

And do you take mass on Christmas Day morning?

Yes, Christmas morning. We have champagne, though,

-in the cup on Christmas Day Mass!

-You rebel!

-I know, right?

And I always wear my 'jamas under my robes so that at the end

of the service, I can whip my robes off and get straight home,

get on the cooking and get on a nice glass of something as well.

You cannot have Christmas without a bit of bubbly.

-SHE GASPS

-There we go.

Wonderful. Thank you. Your health.

-And yours.

-Cheers.

Right. We do need a bit of divine inspiration on this one.

-I'll say my prayers.

-Because the big day requires a big dessert.

We're going to make the biggest dessert we have ever made

in our television cooking career.

-Yeah.

-We're going to make...

-A croquembouche.

-Just for you.

Wow, I am...I'm almost speechless, which never happens.

But not, like, that big.

-No, no...

-This one will require 100 choux buns,

-with a cardamom cream filling in each one.

-Ooh.

But, first, the choux pastry.

So we put the butter...

..the milk...

..the caster sugar...

..and 130ml of water.

And a nice pinch of salt.

Stir until all of the butter is melted.

275g of plain flour.

And you mix that until it forms a ball of dough

that comes away from the side of the pan.

And then beat for about another minute or so.

Remove from the heat.

It needs to stand and cool for five minutes,

and then you can add the eggs.

And pipe into 3cm rounds.

Now, you need to bake these in a preheated oven

at 200 degrees Celsius for ten minutes.

After that, turn it down to about 175, 180 degrees Celsius,

for a further 20 to 25 minutes, until they're cooked through.

Now, Kate, seeing as you're here, we always ask all of our guests,

what was it like at Christmas when you were a child?

It was amazing and magical and fantastic,

and all those words and more.

You know, there's nothing quite like the Christmases of your childhood,

is there? And I remember, I used to go to bed on Christmas Eve,

and we used to have a pillow case at the end of the bed for the presents

to go in, and I remember, in the early hours of the morning,

just nudging my foot at the end of the bed and feeling

that the presents were in the pillowcase!

Oh, there's nothing like it, is there?

And lying there, and thinking, "I'm not allowed up yet,

"I'm not allowed up yet," and just waiting until that clock

reached seven o'clock, knowing that's when I was allowed

to get out of bed. And then we dragged the pillowcase

-into Mum and Dad's room.

-Yeah.

And it always seemed like we dragged it, I'm sure it wasn't,

but it felt like just the biggest pillowcase stuffed with presents.

Drag it into Mum and Dad's room, climb into Mum and Dad's bed,

and open all the presents then.

A sort of mountain of wrapping paper.

When I got married to my lovely Graham, I remember saying,

"But we have pillowcases at the end of the bed."

And he went, "No, we don't, we have stockings under the tree."

And I was like, "How are we going to do this, then?"

On the big day, when you were a kid,

did you used to have any special treats for breakfast?

We used to have, when I was a kid, as a treat on Christmas Day,

cornflakes with double cream on them.

Oh!

That's really naughty, isn't it?

And you could always have a little extra sugar on there as well.

-That's what we used to have as kids.

-Perfect. It is, isn't it?

Yeah, Christmas is an amazing time, and, you know,

I think as your kids get older, you sort of,

you sort of get a bit nostalgic for when they were really tiny.

-Yes.

-And it was really magical.

In fact, I think it's more exciting for the grown-ups

-than it is for the kids!

-I know. It's lovely.

It's the best, but we've got a little present for you, yes, we have.

-How lovely!

-Yes, well, you know, it's Christmas!

Now, you need to open it this...

Keep it this way up when you open it.

-OK, am I allowed to open it now?

-Oh, yes.

-Or do I need to save it?

-Definitely, yes.

-No, no, absolutely.

What's this?

Oh!

It's a Sindy hostess trolley!

-Yay!

-This is the best present ever!

Oh, this is amazing!

Oh, look! And it's even got little food inside!

Oh, this is so great!

I am SO pleased with this.

So... Oh, look at this... I remember these!

So the story with this is,

my best Christmas present I ever had was a Sindy doll's house.

And my poor dad had been out on Christmas Eve and had to stay up

and build the doll's house,

because Father Christmas had brought it unbuilt,

and he was up until three, four in the morning,

building this doll's house,

after having a really good evening out with my uncle David.

So I remember coming down on Christmas Day morning,

my dad was still asleep on the sofa,

and the doll's house was there, sort of half-constructed.

But the hostess trolley is absolutely perfect.

Has it got plates in it as well?

Oh, look!

This is so great! You do what you need to do,

I'm just going to play for a little while!

-This is brilliant!

-It's great!

Honestly, you don't know how happy I am.

Look at the carrots. This is so great.

Right, that's the choux buns all baked.

Now, what we need to do is to make a spiced cream,

and pipe it into each one of those 100 choux buns.

Make a little hole in preparation for the cream just here.

Now, the spiced cream consists of double cream,

which I'm going to whip up, icing sugar, cardamom and coffee essence.

-Go on, dude, go on.

-Just keep adding the icing sugar.

Now just whip it.

I'm very happy with this.

Very, very happy with this.

Kate, are you more a sweet or savoury person?

-I'm just a food person.

-Yeah, you just love it.

Yeah, just lots of it, plenty of it, you know,

-especially at Christmas.

-That's such a Yorkshire thing as well,

that, isn't it? Like, everybody in Yorkshire likes pretty big portions,

-don't they?

-We like us dinners.

-Generous.

-Generous portions, lovely.

We like us dinners.

I think this should be a challenge to your parishioners.

I think you need to make her,

our good Reverend,

a croquembouche, and surprise her.

-Yep.

-After Midnight Mass.

-You know, it's my favourite service of the year, Midnight Mass.

-Love it.

Because, what I do is I make sure that I get out of the church first,

and go into the empty churchyard, all on my own,

look up at the stars,

and just have that lovely moment of peace and quiet,

knowing that you've made it, it's Christmas Day.

And then I shout at the top of my voice, "Merry Christmas!"

So that anyone who hasn't been to church is awake,

and knows that we've been on their behalf.

And in my last parish, there was a farmer who, when I used to

do that, he used to come and stand beside me, and he'd just go,

"Merry Christmas, Vicar," and I'd go, "Merry Christmas," and then we'd

have a little tipple out of his hip flask, and go on us way.

It's just lovely, just lovely.

And it is little moments like that that are so special.

It's about those lovely little traditions

at a time of peace and harmony, it's lovely.

Everybody knows that, you know,

I think when we talk about people forgetting the true meaning

of Christmas, I genuinely don't think that's the case.

No, I don't, either.

We all get lost in it, course we do, presents are brilliant,

but actually we all know what it's really about.

-It is, of course we do.

-We all know what it's really about.

Et voila.

And repeat another 99 times. Shall I crack on with the caramel?

-Yeah, man, I'll just crack on with this.

-Right.

You just need ordinary caster sugar.

Now, when this reaches 154 degrees Celsius,

it will be caramel and not sugar.

At this time, it is extremely hot. Please be careful.

We put it in a pan...

..and we kind of let it melt. Don't stir it.

And once it starts, you just roll it around the pan,

but let the weight of the sugar take itself.

Oh, look, look, look.

See how the caramel is starting?

I'm just swishing that around the pan a little bit, like that.

98!

I'm nearly finished.

99.

100!

-I've done it.

-Yay!

-That's it.

Well, that indeed is what I would term as caramel coloured.

-Beautiful caramel.

-So, the first ring, he can be there,

that fellow on his own.

We dip the side in there, like so...

..and stick him to his mate.

And so on and so forth.

It's like... It's like a culinary Airfix.

It is. And has anyone ever made you a croquembouche before?

Nobody's ever made me a croquembouche before.

There's a reason for that, cos no-one is flipping daft enough, that's why!

I love this.

I'm very good with repetitive tasks.

You could put some carols on the radio, couldn't you?

-You could.

-Or put a little Christmas movie on.

-Yeah.

Pass afternoon on lovely, this.

Right. What's your favourite carol?

I love Joy To The World, but because I'm a vicar,

we sing carols often, so you might only go to one carol service,

we've been to ten. Do you know what I'm saying?

-I know what you're saying.

-So the ones that are really popular

are the ones that we've sung over and over,

so I really like In The Bleak Midwinter.

-Oh, I like that.

-Yes.

Because it's one that we don't often sing,

so it's not a Silent Night, it's not an Away In A Manger,

it's one that's a little bit left-field and that's not as popular

as all the others and I really like that.

But you can't beat on Christmas Day O Come All Ye Faithful because you

finally get to sing the last verse of O Come All Ye Faithful, which is,

-"Yea, Lord, we greet thee, born this happy morning."

-Yes!

And you're not allowed to sing that until the big day itself.

Do you get louder and louder as it goes on?

Yeah, usually. Especially at Christmas Eve,

especially at Midnight Mass when the pubs chuck out and the churches

open their doors and everyone has a right good old singsong.

-Yeah.

-This is all going mightily well.

-It is.

-I'm very impressed.

Look at this, it's more like a scone, this one.

-What have you done here?

-I haven't done anything.

It's as big as an elf's head, that one.

You know what they say - as long as you've got your 'elf!

-That's true.

-If you're poorly, you can always go to the National Elf Service.

Oh, stop, you two, for goodness' sake!

So, how do you get that bit out?

Because this is so squidgy,

it should, theoretically, just pull out.

I love a good theory.

Don't collapse, don't collapse.

You beauty, Kingy!

That'll do, won't it? Does that look all right?

-Lovely.

-That's holding it nicely.

-I'm there.

-There?

-Get off!

-Sorry, I just can't help it.

-I'm so worried.

-Yeah.

Oh, that's it.

Right... Well, that's not bad, actually.

I'd say it's flipping good, Dave.

-Very good.

-This is the most fun I've had

-with my dog collar on in a long time.

-Is it?

-Yes.

-You've got to get out more.

-I know, right?

-Kate?

-Yes, lovely.

-Do you have any idea on how we're going to decorate this?

Surely you've got some sparkle to throw at it.

-A bit of bling. Yep.

-A bit of bling.

Yeah, yeah. We need, like, a motif for decoration.

Could you make us anything?

Just something to stand up...

You know, you're arty, you.

You make your own Christmas cards.

I do. Have you got some tinfoil?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Pass me some tinfoil.

-Yep, there you go.

Right, I am going to...

I'm going to amaze you and show you why I should have been a Blue Peter girl.

-What's going on here?

-You'd be amazed at the things that I can do.

I can juggle, I can eat fire and I can make these.

I went on a course at vicar school.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

-It's brilliant, vicar school, I might go.

-Can you tell what it is yet?

-It's got four legs.

I've got all the home-made Christmas decorations that my kids made

-when they were little.

-So have I!

-I've still got all those.

-I put them on the tree every year.

-Yeah, me too.

Every year there's a little bit more fallen off them

and they're a little bit more dog-eared.

-This is good, this.

-I know what it is.

-What is it?

-I just need to find his little red nose.

-Oh, Rudolph!

It is Rudolph. But he's not got his red nose yet

so I'm just going to pinch a bit of this.

Just get one of those on it.

Let's put him his red nose on.

-That's genius.

-Look at that, eh?

-Brilliant, isn't it?

-There we go.

-ALL:

-Yay!

-Oh, that's brilliant.

-It is good.

I want to take that home, stick it on my tree.

Do you want to do a bit of spun sugar?

-Yeah, let's give it a go.

-Let's try.

-I'm going to lean back.

I would.

Well, there you go, Kingy.

-Oh, yes.

-There you go.

-It looks beautiful.

-It'll look even more beautiful in a minute.

See what this does.

I've got some gold.

It's Christmas.

It's so festive.

Oh, please, please, please.

-Yeah, go on.

-Can I? Thanks.

Oh, look at that!

That's for us. Now, I've got these.

These are special indoor light-up-your-cake sparklers.

And we'll have one there, yeah?

It looks amazing.

That...is our croquembouche.

It is so Christmassy.

Right...

Come on, let's taste this little one.

Oh, I love it. Oh, this looks amazing.

I'm trying to take a delicate, ladylike size portion but...

-No.

-Do you know what...?

-Oh, man, that's great.

-It's gorgeous.

You're welcome.

Christmas croquembouche.

They'll be talking about it for years.

Oh, Kate, merry Christmas.

-It's been lovely to meet you.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas to you.

-And to your families and to those you love.

-Thank you.

-And you.

-Merry Christmas.

-And Merry Christmas to you, too.

-Merry Christmas, gang.