Stacey Solomon: Depression, Teen Mums & Me

Everyone says that having a baby is the happiest time of your life.

It wasn't like that for me.

When I had my son Zach four years ago, I thought my life was over.

I'm Stacey Solomon.

I found fame as a finalist on the X Factor

and went on to be crowned Queen of the Jungle.

But behind the glamour, I had a secret.

With the birth of my first son, I developed postnatal depression,

an illness most mums are scared to talk about.

I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to say that I was depressed at all,

or that I had a form of mental illness, I suppose.

One in 10 women develop postnatal depression,

but for teenage mums like I was, almost 50% are affected.

I was scared about admitting it

because I was worried that social services would come in.

For years, I stayed silent about what happened to me.

But now I want to understand what postnatal depression really is.

I'm going to talk to other teenage mums

who are suffering as I did from this hidden illness.

You're embarrassed to talk to anyone about it

because there's just not any awareness.

I want to find out what causes it...

Since I got pregnant, the relationship seemed to just crumble.

..what help is available...

Then slide your hand down and then grasp the thigh.

..and see why it should never be dismissed as the baby blues.

I thought, if I die here, what difference does it make?

I heard voices and that was it.

What was the worst thing that you ever heard?

Stab him.

And for the first time, I'm going to be assessed

by a psychotherapist to understand what I went through.

I don't ever want him to think that I didn't love him, ever.

-Made a new web.

-Yeah!

Maybe it's rainy on the other side.

Look at that hole.

Oh!

That's the last thing that I would ever, ever want.

'My two sons Leighton and Zachary mean more to me now

'than anything else in the world.

-Team talk, Mummy.

-OK, team talk, what?

But when Zach was born, I couldn't stop crying.

I was 18 and I didn't want to be a mum.

I'm at King George's Hospital which is really, really strange.

I haven't been here since I gave birth to Zach four years ago.

I just remember laying there thinking,

"Oh, I've had a baby, I suppose."

I just remember looking at him and he was just wriggling around.

He didn't seem like my baby.

It didn't seem like I'd just gave birth.

'Coming here brings back all the horrible feelings

'I had after Zach was born.

'I wasn't a carefree teenager anymore.

'Suddenly I was a mum with massive responsibilities.'

Hello! Oh, well done, well done.

-Can I have a cuddle?

-Yeah.

Aw, thank you!

Aww...

-She's lovely.

-Thank you.

-You must be so proud.

-Yeah.

'I didn't feel any kind of bond with my baby.

'It felt like everything I did was wrong and all I could do was cry.'

I remember that, that is what he slept next to me in for days.

That is really strange.

My now-four-year-old, who's at school,

riding his scooter to school every day,

happiest boy in the world, was right there in a little box next to me,

helpless. And I didn't have anything going through my brain at the time.

I just remember laying there thinking, "I can't move my legs,

"I don't know what the baby wants,

"I don't know if he's hungry, I don't know if he's just sad."

I didn't... You just don't know.

Now I look back, and I feel really... I feel really guilty.

I feel guilty that I didn't get this burst of excitement and happiness.

I feel really, really guilty,

but at the same time I know that I'm not the only person in the world

that has ever felt like that.

To be honest, I can't wait to meet other people and feel normal,

so that I'm not this horrible woman

who...don't know, who felt things that I shouldn't have felt.

I've never met another teenage mum who felt the way that I did.

I'm going to Gloucestershire to meet Beth.

She's 19 and gave birth to baby Rhianna just eight weeks ago.

She was diagnosed with postnatal depression soon after.

Splash, splash, splash!

Beth planned the pregnancy with her boyfriend.

And they live with Beth's mum and step-dad.

Postnatal depression is usually diagnosed

by a midwife or health visitor.

They can then refer the mum to their GP, who should offer treatment.

When did you realise that you had postnatal depression?

When Rhianna was two weeks old.

I felt a bit down,

because I felt that she deserved better than me and stuff.

And it really has changed me, really, being depressed.

Didn't anyone ever explain to you about postnatal depression

or anything like that before?

My mum has in the past, but apart from that I haven't had anything.

I was scared about admitting it,

because I was worried that social services would come in

and the people in the town would judge me.

You just need help and you just need someone to talk to,

and someone to get you through it, rather than being left on your own.

-RHIANNA GRIZZLES

-Ah, let me see her.

Hello!

-RHIANNA CRIES

-Aw, aw, aw!

What do you think triggered you to feel down?

Did it just come on all of a sudden?

It just came on all of a sudden. Cos when I was pregnant,

I did get bullied a lot for being pregnant,

because I'm a young mum and stuff like that.

So did it scare you? Did it make you anxious then?

I was scared about going out the house with my baby,

because if they're OK to bully a pregnant woman,

what are they going to do around a newborn baby?

So I was worried I'd get abuse,

and shouting and swearing at me,

cos I didn't really want that around my baby.

Where do you go from here?

What can you do, and who is there to see?

Do you have any classes or any, anywhere you can go?

Nobody's offered me anything, any classes, no.

That's really sad.

For me, as much as it's sad to see, it's a real relief actually

cos I don't feel like I've ever been open enough with myself,

because I've always been scared that

I was the only person that felt like that

and the only person that had those thoughts.

The weird thing is, nothing's being done about it,

so there's no help, there's nothing further on.

It's like you've been diagnosed,

we know you've got postnatal depression and that's it.

And I just feel like I really wish there was something more.

Meeting Beth has taken me right back to my own feelings of guilt

when Zach was born.

This is my old bedroom, where me and Zach used to sleep.

I'd never even heard of postnatal depression back then.

After being diagnosed by my GP,

I was scared to talk to anyone or get any help.

I remember just feeling really...trapped in here,

there was nothing else.

Just me in a room with a baby.

I remember being downstairs and sort of walking into the kitchen,

thinking, "If I go in the kitchen,

"I won't be able to hear him cry as much."

I'd just wander around the house,

thinking eventually he'll stop crying.

Or maybe eventually I just won't be able to hear it.

I remember sitting here, right here, by my mum's radiator...

This is the grill where I made the toast.

And just crying my eyes out, thinking "I can't make toast,

"how am I going to look after a baby if I can't even make toast?"

Then my mum came in from work,

she must have thought, what are you doing?!

I was sitting there crying at the grill and burnt toast.

Now I look back and I think, what an idiot, what was wrong with me?

But at the time it was so sad,

I just thought, "I've got no... I'm the worst mum in the world."

I really didn't want to tell anyone that that was how I felt.

Cos I just felt wrong, like I wasn't supposed to feel like that.

I want people to speak up about it,

I want to be honest about it but even I'm nervous.

I struggle to admit that's how I felt, cos of the stigma.

I still feel like I don't really understand

what caused me to feel that low.

Before meeting any other mums,

I want to find out more about what this illness really is.

I'm at the North East London NHS Foundation Trust in Essex

to meet psychotherapist Amanda Jones,

an expert on postnatal depression.

She founded the service here

specifically to treat mums with emotional disorders.

So what is postnatal depression?

Depression, one knows, is generally a feeling of being low

and of having loss of pleasure in anything.

So postnatal depression would probably include

a feeling that the mother has, or the father,

that they get no pleasure from their baby,

which is a terrible state to be in.

The mother will be feeling that she's a terrible mother,

she can't get anything right, her baby hates her.

Just a sense of dark, sort of negative feelings,

at a time when maybe somebody had expected to feel

a sense of pleasure and joy.

I don't feel that people that haven't...

Not generalising everyone, but some of the people I've met

that haven't been through that, actually class it as a real illness.

It's more of a sort of, get over it, don't be silly, type thing.

And I find that really difficult,

cos how are you supposed to get any help with something

that people don't believe is really an illness?

I always find it really important to use the word "ill",

because otherwise it minimises it.

Even just saying the words postnatal depression

can minimise just how serious the problem is.

What kind of treatments are available?

One would be psychological intervention,

so that's the talking therapies,

being able to offer a relationship

where somebody can talk through their concerns and their worries,

and there's also a range of different medications that may be helpful,

antidepressant medications, for example.

Amanda believes in treating both the mother and the baby,

because the baby is also affected by the mum's depression.

Her view is that spending NHS money at this stage

could save on long-term care in the future.

I do believe that actually if I had someone like you

or somebody to talk to, I might not have felt that way.

Once it has happened and once you are pregnant,

how can we try and avoid postnatal depression?

I would love to say in an ideal world across the country

that people had access to as good a screening

and as good a care pathways as we've got.

I think it's much, much patchier than that

and I think we're lucky enough to be within an organisation

that absolutely, fundamentally sees the importance

and the criticalness of babyhood, really,

that the first two years of life matter,

and it really matters to keep a mum and father

as emotionally and mentally well as you can.

But if I was living somewhere else in England,

there might not be that care pathway at all and that really worries me.

Talking to Amanda has made me wonder what happens to mums

in other parts of the country, where specialist help isn't available.

I'm on my way to meet 18-year-old Emma in Surrey.

She gave birth to baby Ashley nine months ago.

Emma was keen to start a family with her partner John,

but she was diagnosed with postnatal depression soon after the birth.

How long have you felt like it for?

Well, since she was born really, I've had depression.

I couldn't think about anything apart from being...

apart from crying, I didn't want to do anything.

I just felt so down, it was too hard to actually cope with anything.

So he helped so much.

Basically I wasn't doing everything, but I was doing most things.

Like, changing her, getting up for her,

and having to do everything while she was crying in the toilet.

I had no idea what was going on with her.

I didn't have a girlfriend, to be honest, I was a carer.

And I had no idea what she was going through.

-I bet you didn't either?

-No.

-It was horrible.

I didn't want her to grow up thinking,

"Oh, I hate you, you're not my mum."

And that's why I always kept feeling like she's going to hate me

for the rest of her life.

Yeah! Let's have a cuddle. Let's see you.

Hello! Are you standing up all by yourself?

How were your friends, though? Were they helpful?

-Erm, most of my friends ditched me.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Oh, what friends they are then(!)

-Yeah.

Most of my friends have ditched me as well, they don't want to know me.

-BABY CRIES

-Do you want your daddy?

Are you tired?

Night-night!

'Emma suffered from depression as a teenager, and believes

'becoming a young mum was a trigger for the depression to come back.'

Do you think that, if you'd have known about

postnatal depression before you had your little girl,

that you might have been a bit more prepared for it?

I would have hopefully been more prepared

if I knew all about it, yeah.

I think that that's the biggest shock to the system.

Cos it just comes and you don't feel anything.

You don't think, "This is the best day of my life."

You don't look at your baby and think, "Oh my God, I'm in love.

Like, you feel like you're not human.

You're embarrassed to talk to anyone about it, because there's just

not any awareness of what it is, or why it happens, or when it happens.

If anything happens to you after you've given birth

or the way you feel, it's just brushed under the carpet

cos you're a teenager and you shouldn't have done it.

You shouldn't have put yourself in that position in the first place.

It's the lack of understanding that bothers me.

If they understood what the illness was and what it did to you

and how it made you feel, then you can judge me all day long.

But if you don't, then leave me alone.

How do you get through it now? What are you doing to...

Erm...I'm on antidepressants.

Some days they do help so much and other days they can't do anything.

-Yeah.

-I'd still be like, oh, I just want to give up right now.

The sad thing to hear was that her friends all left her

and deserted her.

I don't know if you can blame friends,

and it's not that they are right, but they're just kids.

I don't think when you're young and don't have any responsibilities,

and you don't have a baby,

you don't realise what it means to be a real friend.

Whereas when you've had children,

you know how to be there for someone and how to support someone.

And I think it's really hard at that age

to find people who are at that level of maturity,

to stand by you and help you through it all.

It's interesting that both Beth and Emma

feel alienated by other teenagers,

and this is playing a big role in their depression.

I remember the fear of that happening to me.

At 17, I was here at this performing arts college

with high hopes for my future.

Finding out I was pregnant was devastating.

The first day I enrolled in college, I was so excited.

I knew I really wanted to do musical theatre

and that's something I really wanted to get a job in.

I didn't know for a long time that I was pregnant.

I was still having periods which apparently is normal,

so I didn't have a clue.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant.

I went out with my step-mum and it's like,

"Oof, your breath stinks of onion."

And she couldn't talk to me and I felt like I was going to be sick.

And she said, "You're definitely pregnant."

As soon as I told my mum and dad,

the instant reaction was, that's it now.

You're not going to be able to do anything you wanted to do.

After a scan, I discovered I was already five months pregnant,

and for me, an abortion wasn't an option.

There was no way I could compromise someone else's life for me.

So I started thinking, I've got to just be a mum forever,

I can't be anything else, I can't have a career,

I can't go to college and I can't have a social life.

I really wanted to finish my course,

and it felt like all my dreams had been shattered.

Over a third of teenage mums have no qualifications

and 70% aren't in education.

But the truth is,

combining motherhood with college isn't impossible.

I've come to Bristol to meet 20-year-old Robyn and her son Liam.

After a year of depression, Robyn was finally diagnosed with PND.

But she's recently started recovering,

and is now at university.

Clever boy!

Did you just not want to tell anyone how you felt?

Yeah, I felt rubbish all the time, and yeah, I didn't want to go out.

Because it's embarrassing, that feeling, ain't it?

You don't to talk to anyone about it.

Yeah, you kind of feel like you're the worst mum ever.

I've now been put on antidepressants and that.

-Do they help?

-Erm, yeah.

Antidepressants are the most common form of treatment for PND,

but on their own, they're often not enough.

Do you think that the way you felt ever made him

harder to deal with? Cos sometimes I used to think, I'm upset

so the baby's upset so I'm not getting anywhere.

Like, the baby's crying and it's making me upset,

-but because I'm upset, the baby's crying.

-Yeah.

-It's like that never-ending circle.

-Yeah.

You just kind of don't know what to do and you feel at your wits' end,

like you just want to go, "No, take it away."

I kind of...

did think about... "That's it. He's going up for adoption.

"I can't do it any more."

Then I'd just talk to my mum.

Are you ready?

Do you feel like you're coming towards the end of it now?

How do you feel?

Starting university, I can actually see my future now.

It's so much nicer than what it could have been.

I do feel a lot happier.

I'm so glad.

It is. It's having that motive in life and something to live for.

'Robyn thinks that university has played a big role in her recovery.

'She's also been going to a local group in Bristol

'especially for mums with postnatal depression.'

-Does that help?

-A lot.

-Really?

-It's amazing, yeah.

Every week, there's a different session.

You can do zumba and yoga.

-Oh, really? That's really good. Is that, like, free for anyone?

-Yes.

That's so nice. So you meet other people in your situation,

-you don't feel so alone, I suppose.

-Yeah.

'I never knew these groups existed when I was depressed,

'so Robyn's invited me to join in.

'Bluebells Nursery is a charity-run course where young mums

'with postnatal depression can connect and learn coping skills.'

Did anybody do anything nice for themselves this week?

-I bought this top for myself...

-Lovely.

-..which was only £14.

So that's quite good for me considering I don't shop for myself.

One of the things that we talked about last week,

cos we were doing about aerobic exercise last week and how that has

a beneficial effect for depression and, in fact, anxiety as well...

Has anybody else maybe tried a little bit of exercise?

We want for a walk and it was in the rain in the forest

and it was nice.

To actually get up and do exercise, you think,

"Oh, no. I really don't want to go."

It takes so much to get there,

but once you've done it, you feel a million times better.

This programme is all about finding what works for you

and this session is a creative session

and doing creative activities, anything from art, craft, drama,

they've all been shown to help reduce depression and anxiety.

So this week we're going to have a go at doing some decoupage.

We've got these nice, little, sturdy boxes

and the idea is we're going to decorate them.

Also, they can be something that you keep

and you might like to put some things in it just for you,

that are special for you, so it becomes your little thing.

I used to listen women who say, "I had a really nice labour,"

and I used to think, "Whatever. That's not even true."

I was working, we had enough money to get by

and I still suffered from postnatal depression.

So I think it doesn't matter what circumstances you're in,

if It's going to happen, it's going to happen.

My friends don't know I've got depression.

They don't know I'm on antidepressants.

It's just family and I don't even think all my family knows.

Do you think if they did know, it would change how they viewed you?

No, because I think I've got quite a nice group of friends.

With this programme, how does it work?

How many people can come here? How many people can benefit from this?

Is it just this area or are there places like this all over?

At the moment, Bluebell has just won funding from Comic Relief.

The funding is tied to the South Bristol area.

I think it's a really lovely idea. I wish I had somewhere like this.

-Do you think it helps?

-Yeah.

I reckon it does cos it gives you a chance

to talk about how you're feeling and your emotions.

And now I want you to write one, or possibly two if you want to,

positive comments about the person whose name

is on the top of that piece of paper.

Eventually, you'll get your piece of paper back

with your name on the top

with a list of hopefully really nice things

and nice positive things about you.

OK. So have you all had a little read through your comments?

-I daren't look at them.

-You daren't look?

SHE LAUGHS

I would have loved to have had something like that

when I felt the way I did with Zachary.

I would love to have been a part of an organisation like that

and had a group of friends with a common ground.

Nice to see the honesty,

how people can just turn around and go,

"Yeah, I felt rubbish." "Me too."

I really enjoyed that. Thank you. So nice to meet you all.

-Thank you so much for coming along.

-That was lovely.

I can definitely, definitely see why these groups are just

so right for so many people.

I felt good coming out of there and I'm generally quite happy anyway.

I actually felt like I've got a little skip in my step

on the way out. Made a box!

# It's a little bit funny

# This feeling inside

# I'm not one of those who can

# Easily hide... #

'Unlike Robyn, I didn't have any contact

with other mums in my position.

'This is the house where I was living with my mum

when Zach was a baby.

'With no hope for my future and no outside help,

'my depression went on getting worse.

'When I got to breaking point,

it was my mum who offered me a lifeline.

'I've come to talk to her about her memories of that time.'

What did you think when I was sad?

I was quite concerned...

that at one point you got really down.

Cos you used to say to me,

"Mum, what is wrong with me?"

You know, "I can't deal with this."

Sometimes I found it quite hard

trying to keep saying to you,

"It will get better."

And I knew for quite a while you just couldn't see that

and you didn't believe me.

The look in your eye was

"I don't believe what you're saying to me, Mum.

"How is it going to get any better?"

Didn't you ever feel sad with any of us

or did you just instantly love us cos you were older

-and you planned it?

-No, I didn't instantly love.

'I've often wondered if my mum suffered with depression herself.

'But until now, I've never dared to ask.'

I hate asking you if you were ever depressed

cos, to be honest, I don't really want to know.

I wouldn't ever want to know that my mum was ever upset.

Does that make sense?

So, really, I'm trying to raise awareness for something

that I wouldn't want to know about my own mum cos you're my mummy.

I don't want you to be sad.

'Is it possible that all this time

'my mum's been keeping a secret from me?'

I didn't have feelings straight away

and I thought I must be a terrible mother.

I didn't want to admit with you kids

because I thought there was something wrong with me.

Did you not ever think,

"I'm going to tell her the things that people don't tell her"?

-No. Why?

-Because I didn't know how you would respond to giving birth

and having a baby. If somebody told you the reality and the truth,

how much stress or how stressed would you have got

-prior to going into labour?

-I don't know.

Cos I think you would have.

I would have been a bit more prepared, I think.

'Eventually, my mum stepped in and sent me on holiday with my friends.'

My hope was that that would help you with the bonding.

I think, primarily, I wanted you to see you could have a child

and you can still have a life.

People would probably say it's wrong but personally I don't care.

-That's just lack of understanding and awareness.

-I was just lucky.

No, you weren't. You were just a pain in the bum.

But I think any mum would do it, Stacey. You're not just lucky.

Even though I still don't think it's spoken about enough now,

there is more talk of mental illness now

than there was when my mum was having children. So I don't know.

Is that was why she's less able to tell people about it

because when she had children, no-one spoke about it?

My grandma certainly wouldn't have said anything to my mum

if she felt like that. I know that for a fact.

It was sort of the old, "I'm fine, everything's fine,

"my family are fine and I'm having a great life."

That was all you could ever tell people because you wouldn't want

anyone to know anything else or you'd be embarrassed.

I just think that there's so many people that...

..find it difficult to admit they've been depressed

or in any sort of mental situation

because...society doesn't want to know.

'I remember the relief I felt when my mum suggested a holiday.

'Although it was temporary,

'a week in Greece with my friend Dana

'felt like a way out of my misery.'

How did I know that knock was you?

Let's find these pictures. I'm excited to see them.

I wonder what they're going to look like.

I remember feeling really happy, like, the first few days of holiday.

Really, really happy. I felt like a child again, I suppose.

We were kids. We were so young.

-That's nights-out as well.

-I remember that night.

Oh, my God. I look like such a geek.

Oh, no. We were such losers.

Nice pose, Dana.

I never go through your photos.

I should look on them more often.

Oh, dear. I look like a fish.

Oh, dear. That's definitely not going anywhere.

Oh, a bit of karaoke.

So embarrassing.

My mum's instinct was right.

Being separated from Zach made me miss him

and as soon as I came back I felt that bond.

I think this holiday, in a way, was definitely a massive part of me

-getting over it. Definitely.

-It made you realise a lot.

I really did want to get home to Zach.

I remember saying to you, "I really want to go home. I want to see him."

Ringing him 500 times a day.

My mum was just like, "Go and have fun."

I wasn't even thinking when I was at home with him.

It was only when I pulled myself out of the situation that I realised

what I wanted to do, where I wanted to be, how I wanted to deal with it

and I just think that going away was a massive, massive cure.

'I dread to think how bad things might have got

'if it wasn't for my mum.

'What happens to young mums with PND who don't get treatment

'and don't have a parent to help?

'Psychotherapist Amanda Jones has invited me

'to meet one of her patients who found herself in that position.'

Yes. Yes. Yes.

'As a teenager, Jessica's postnatal depression got so severe

'that her first two children were placed in care.

'It was only after intervention from Amanda,

'when Jessica's third child was born, that she started to recover.

Why were your first two children taken away from you?

Aggression. Cos I had been in so many care places,

it was just all anger. "Would I be able to cope?"

There were understandable concerns about Jessica's level of anger

that hadn't had an outlet.

I think there was a misperception that that anger would get

directed towards her babies.

It's been one battle after another and nobody's ever stopped

to ask, "Jess, what's going on?"

I've been in care. I've been sexually abused.

I've had a baby who was premature

who weighed four pounds.

Couldn't breast-feed, had no breast milk.

They took Shay Shay from me.

I had to pack Shay Shay's clothes.

I could not hold on to my child, like, hold on to her

and I thought to myself, honestly, Amanda, I thought,

"Well, if I die here, what difference does it make?"

You had severe postnatal depression due to this trauma and loss.

But, at that time, you weren't picked up, it wasn't identified

and you weren't referred to a service like ours.

Why wasn't that system there from child one?

Someone who's been in foster care and someone with that background,

why didn't they have the help straightaway?

It just seems like a bit of a failure.

What makes me so sad is that someone who'd been through

what Jessica had been through hadn't had the opportunity to have

quite intensive therapeutic help

prior to becoming pregnant the first time.

# Wind the bobbin up

# Wind the bobbin up... #

After long-term mother-and-baby therapy with Amanda,

Jessica is finally able to be a mum to her third child Delainah.

'I want one back at a time.'

That gives me time to think,

"This is going to be a big change, Amanda."

But knowing the person I am, I have to do it.

These are my babies. This is what matters to me.

We grow strong together.

'I find it shocking that postnatal depression

'can result in children being taken away.

'But the reality is that this illness can be fatal.

'At its worst, it can develop into psychotic depression.

'In 2012, Felicia Boots killed her two young children.

'She was found guilty of manslaughter after the court heard

'that her actions were a direct result of psychosis

'due to postnatal depression.

'I've come to Coventry to meet 20-year-old Chelsea

'and her two-year-old son Keilan.'

Have you finished?

She's agreed to talk to me about how close she came to a similar tragedy.

So, how did it all start?

What was the worst point you were ever at?

I don't know. It was just when I started crying

and then I heard voices and that was it.

It made me really scared.

Just telling me to do dangerous things to Keilan.

What was the worst thing that you ever heard?

Stab him.

-That's really hard to say.

-I know. I can imagine.

That's not something anyone wants to talk about

but it's so brave actually saying it

and then other people that are going through the same thing can be

aware of it and know that it happens to loads of women, not just you.

I knife in my hand cos I needed to open a box cos...

I had no scissors and I had him in my arms...

and I was holding the box as well and I was trying to open it

and then I heard this voice just like say, "Stab him."

And then I dropped the knife and ran to my mum's cos it scared...

It scared me really bad.

How do you control those voices? What do you do?

I don't know. I just try to do different things.

Just take your mind off it?

I felt like I couldn't look after my child.

And you just asked your mum for help?

Did she ever think it was getting to a point where

maybe you should have been split apart and had a little break?

No. No. She helped me the whole way through it.

-Do you ever hear those voices now?

-No, I haven't heard them since.

I would have just hidden anything in my house.

-It must have been so...

-I don't have sharp knives in my house.

Really? You don't keep them any more just in case?

Just in case it happens again

cos I'm so scared that I'm going to hear those voices again.

-I'm still trying to come to terms with being a mum.

-Yeah.

I'm still learning.

I don't know. It probably hasn't sunk in properly yet,

even after two years.

I think you're really brave for even saying it. Really, really brave.

In Coventry, they're pioneering a scheme

called The Family Nurse Partnership.

A nurse will visit for regular one-to-one checkups

until the child is two.

They were there for Chelsea at her lowest point.

Today is her last session.

Because he's nearly two and we're nearly saying goodbye,

the things that we thought we would do today, we agreed,

were about how you've changed over the past two years,

two and a bit years,

and how you think you might have changed as a parent.

One of the things that we look at as well is do you think there are

any other services that you might need before we say goodbye?

I think I need to go and see...

-get in touch with a counsellor.

-Right. OK.

You look really sad. It's quite sad because two years,

although it's a long time,

is it long enough for everyone?

Cos if I was getting through it and doing really well

with the programme, I'd just be so anxious to have to do it on my own.

From my point of view, it's really hard saying goodbye.

I've got, obviously, your number and everything.

If I needed you, I could just text you or call you.

But after this, it's not...

It's going to hit me like a bomb.

-Yeah.

-It's going to be hard.

I do feel like she's getting the help that she needs

and the nurses around her are really good and really helpful,

but, at the same time, it scared me a little bit looking at her face.

It didn't look like she'd fully recovered.

She didn't look ecstatic that it was the end of the programme

and she'd really come a long way and she'd come through.

She looked more like, "OK. It's the end. Now what do I do?

"Now who do I turn to? Now who do I talk to?"

'I'm sure Chelsea would benefit from more contact

'with other teenagers in her position.

'I've come back to see Emma in Surrey.

'Her health visitor has recommended a local group for young mums.

'I've brought my son Leighton to join in.'

-Hello.

-Hello.

Children, look!

So, what do you do here?

OK. This is Mad Fridays which stands for Mums and Dads Fridays

and we support teenage parents,

right from pregnancy up until the babies are about nine or ten months.

So we teach lots of life skills and we socialise

and we get to know each other and make friends.

Today, we're doing a baby massage session

-so you're more than welcome to join us.

-Lovely. Thank you.

This is called touch relaxation and it's really important

because the baby's brain is now thinking about this part of the body.

With your right hand, you're going to cup round the buttocks

so under the nappies and then slide your hand down

and then grasp the thigh and a lovely sweeping stroke down the leg.

That's lovely. Excellent.

It's thought that this kind of massage can help form a bond

between mother and baby

which is something Emma has been struggling with.

We've got some smiles.

And you're feeling better?

-I feel a bit better.

-You do feel a bit...

-I still get days

-when I don't want to do anything.

-And even though she's fine

and she's not crying, you still feel it yourself?

It's more teething now that gets to me.

# Twinkle, twinkle, little star

# How I wonder... #

'I definitely see how it'll be good'

for mums with postnatal depression,

just in terms of bonding and sitting there

and you're actually stroking your baby and trying to work out

how to make their wind better and trying to make their life

a little bit better and understand them,

rather than just sort of trying to get on with it not knowing how.

Having been around the country, it's clear that mums' groups,

nurse visits and intensive psychotherapy

can all help women recover from PND.

But getting the right kind of help is a postcode lottery.

I'm still worried about Beth in Gloucestershire

who isn't getting any treatment at all.

So she's agreed to travel down to London in the hope

that psychotherapist Amanda Jones might be able to help.

MUSIC: "Lullaby" by Sia

-Hello.

-Hi, Beth.

-Come on in.

-Thank you.

Where's going to be comfortable for you? Shall we sit on the floor?

Yeah, that's fine.

So if you were to put it on a scale of one to ten, in terms of

ten out of ten being really bad, what was it like for you?

About eight out of ten.

BABY CRIES

She's, um, a daddy's girl.

So that's why she's probably being a bit grumpy.

Does that make you feel somehow that you're not as good as her daddy?

It makes me feel really low sometimes.

Do you easily feel quite kind of hard on yourself?

Yeah. I've always been hard on myself really.

It's just since I've had this postnatal depression

that I've got worse.

Because I was planning to have a job and then start a family

but because I haven't got a job, I feel that she deserves

someone who can buy her everything she wants.

So a real fear of not having enough and of being poor?

Yeah.

Cos when I was at school I got bullied

and I didn't want her to go through the same thing as I did.

Sounds to me like the bullying was really difficult for you?

Yeah, it was. I wasn't happy at all.

When I was in year eight, I took an overdose due to the bullying.

It must have taken an awful lot of courage to get yourself to college.

Yeah.

It's just making me wonder

whether you felt a bit like that was suddenly taken away from you.

Um, I don't know really.

But I do know that I really want to get into work.

How does it feel when you feel you're getting it right for Rhianna?

I feel good about myself really.

I stop thinking she loves her dad more than me.

That sounds like a big issue.

BABY CRIES

What kind of a cry do you think that is?

Nappy.

-Nappy? Do you want to change her nappy?

-Yeah.

Do you know what I think your mummy has a problem with, Rhianna?

I think she picks on herself. A lot.

And I think maybe there's a bit of a pattern...

Yeah.

..that you sort of pick on yourself and then at school you were

-vulnerable to being...

-Yeah.

..picked on and now because this is such a huge change

to have a little baby, it's, like, stirred that up again.

Yeah.

Hmm, you smiling?

Is that right? Have I understood something about your mummy?

That she picks on herself all the time?

And she feels especially, she's not good enough for you?

That you prefer your daddy?

You know, maybe that's not quite how it is from your perspective.

So do you think your mummy's depression would feel better

if she didn't pick on herself so much?

If she could actually think to herself that she's just what

you need.

What's it been like for you having a bit of time

to yourself in here just to think about things?

It's been different. It gives me time.

Cos obviously I live with my partner.

And maybe it's been something about having the space in here to...

Yeah.

..to sort of realise things about you and Rhianna?

Yeah.

What do you think you realise?

That I'm not a bad mum.

And it's just going to take some time.

Amanda's offered to keep in contact with Beth,

and help her find support in her local area.

I'm sure that once she's well enough,

getting into work will really help Beth.

I remember how elated I felt when my college agreed to have me back.

I got myself an evening job, put Zach in the college creche,

and worked as hard as I could to finish my course.

It was this very singing class which gave me

the confidence to go on and be a finalist on the X Factor.

# You work real hard

# And you know exactly what you want and need so believe... #

I let the college know I was pregnant

and they said that I couldn't carry on with the dancing and physical

parts of my course but they let me carry on doing the written work

and they kept me involved in everything

and they said, "As soon as you've had the baby,

"come back next September," they were really, really good about it.

Luckily, cos I was at college and working of an evening,

I was entitled to free childcare and I took Zach to the college nursery.

Of a morning we'd get on the train, then the bus and I'd drop him

off at nursery and then I'd go to college and then pick him up after,

and go back home again and go back to work.

'I remember being supported by all my teachers.

'My dance teacher, Sandra, was one of them.'

Hello, Stacey, how are you?

I'm good, how are you?

I'm fine. Lovely to see you.

You were very dedicated and you wanted to achieve.

I had to come back.

And I remember we went round the college because you didn't want to

sit at home during your pregnancy, you wanted to do something so we

tried to find you a different course that was not going to be a risk.

They wouldn't let you!

I wasn't allowed.

And then I remember seeing you, you came in to see some students.

I think...was Zach late?

Yeah, Zach was ten days late.

Yeah, and I know you came in a few weeks before that

to see some students. I saw you in the corridor

and you said to me again, "You will let me back?"

And I said yes and I thought you definitely must want to come back.

Definitely.

And he's now four.

But the fact that you came back said a lot about you

because you were obviously determined to achieve and you achieved it.

And that is really good.

Hiya. All right?

I know.

If anything, college was like a little break from reality

cos it was all, I had my friends at college.

I got that bit of normality at college.

where Zach was at nursery, I could do what I wanted to do

and I felt like I was achieving something, I was getting somewhere.

Four weeks after her session with Amanda Jones, Beth is finally

getting somewhere too.

£1.95 and your receipt.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I got a job in a charity shop.

It's really good cos it's boosted my confidence.

We got some lush cards today. I got some this morning.

I picked out a few that I like.

I found out about a mother and baby group.

I started going about three or four weeks ago and it's really good.

I've made a couple of friends there.

Amanda's found Beth a local NHS therapist.

My session with Amanda was really good cos it made me realise

I was being silly about Rhianna not loving me.

I've come to realise that she does need me

and she loves me just as much as she loves her dad.

I hope Beth continues to recover and enjoy being a mum.

Although I'm completely better now,

I'm still carrying guilt about the way I felt when Zach was born.

# Regrets collect like old friends

# Here to relive your darkest moments

# I can see no way, I can see no way... #

Hello. I've decided to have a session with Amanda Jones myself,

to see if she can help me understand what I went through.

It sounds really silly but even now

I don't like to say I wasn't happy with my child.

That to me is a really horrible thing to say

and I don't like to say it.

I didn't really want to be pregnant so I didn't act like I was pregnant.

I just pretended I wasn't pregnant. To me I was just me.

Still went out. Still...I was just fatter if that makes any sense?

To me, I was just bigger.

As a young girl, I felt like I could do anything.

I didn't think I could ever die. I just felt, like really invincible.

Which is a very adolescent kind of feeling in some ways.

The sense that you've got... there are no limits?

And that went.

The first time I thought, "Oh, no, everything won't be fine,"

was when I was in labour and I just thought, "I'm going to die."

That, in a way, was the shock.

In a way that the actual giving birth kind of shattered your...

Just made me not young any more.

Felt like I had all stitches everywhere and I was bleeding.

I felt like everything was just ruined.

All my body was just really...

That was it. I went from being young to old in three days.

And you think that in some way contributed?

Or it sounds to me like it did.

For me, I found it really... like I wasn't a girl any more

when people were like staring at me and pulling things out of me.

That made me feel like I went from being this 17-year-old girl

who could decide who and when goes near me in that way

to being someone who's laying there and everyone sort of looking

at things that I'm even at this age, too embarrassed to even talk about.

If that makes any sense?

You felt really kind of violated?

Yeah. I just didn't feel, like, innocent any more.

I just feel ongoing guilt about Zach.

Just that will never change.

I shouldn't have been so selfish as to put myself in that situation.

Do you think in some ways that's a sign of your emotionally

kind of maturing in a way?

That actually you can now kind of cope with

having those sorts of feelings of guilt?

Emotionally, I've definitely matured so I can look back

and I can reflect on the way that I felt.

I have to be guilty and bear that guilt.

The only thing I can ever hope and pray is that my children are happy

and don't ever feel that I have done anything intentionally

to make them upset.

It still touches you?

Yeah... I don't...

I don't ever want him to think that I didn't love him, ever.

That's the last thing I would ever, ever want. Cos I did.

Obviously I did. I just didn't feel that straightaway.

It was really difficult to feel that straightaway.

And I hope that in time that doesn't hurt him, by knowing that.

'I really, in a strange way, enjoyed my session with Amanda.

'I feel like I know a bit more about myself.'

I can look back at that time and feel like I've got a little bit

of knowledge as to how I was actually feeling

and why I was feeling like that so I don't feel so guilty

about talking about it and telling people about it.

And I suppose that must just be what everyone needs.

At the beginning of this programme I felt like I really didn't know

what it was that caused me to feel the way that I felt

and after talking to Amanda

I feel like I can sort of leave that bit of my life behind me.

I feel really lucky that I didn't get postnatal depression

the second time around, with Leighton.

This time I've got a career, a house, and my partner Aaron to help.

Making this film has shown me

what a serious illness postnatal depression can become,

and that asking for help is really important, even if it feels scary.

When I look at the whole of the documentary,

and everything we filmed and everyone we've seen,

I just feel like there's

definitely got to be more help out there, definitely.

There's not enough groups and there's not enough support.

The ones I've seen are doing an incredible job, don't get me wrong,

they're doing absolutely amazing jobs. You can see it.

I just feel like that needs to be everywhere.

The one thing I'd love to achieve from this whole thing

is just to just get people on board, get people behind it,

raise some awareness and hopefully make that happen.

# It's always darkest before the dawn

# And I've been a fool and I've been blind

# I can never leave the past behind

# I can see no way, I can see no way... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd