Darcey Bussell: A Ballerina's Life

Hello, red button viewers. Thanks for joining me.

So you have heard the story of ballerinas through history.

Now I'm going to share my own story of life as a ballerina.

I remember Kenneth always saying, "Have you ever been in love, Darcey?"

I was like, "I'm not going to tell you."

In front of the whole audience, I burst into tears.

And that was heart- breaking,

I actually believed I was going to leave the company.

'Darcey Bussell was a principal dancer with the Royal Ballet

'for nearly 20 years.

'During her career, she performed all over the world

'and with some of the greatest names in dance.

'But it is fair to say, her debut didn't immediately mark her out

'as the star she would become.'

My first experience performing on a stage was when I was 11.

And I was a stork, and I had a very long beak

and I had to go around on one leg a lot, which obviously

didn't have a lot of dancing if I was on one leg a lot!

I remember totally going blank at one point,

and as soon as I turned around and looked at all the other kids

on the stage with me and realising, "Oh, my God, where do I go next?"

But of course then you're pushed and shoved into the next space.

'But Darcey's mind had been made up since childhood

'and her heart was set on going

'to the Royal Ballet School at White Lodge.'

I just thought, "Well, hang on a minute, there's not a lot

"I can do at this arts school. The only thing I seem to be able

"to get right is my ballet classes," that we did twice a week -

I don't remember doing it more than that -

and telling the teacher that I really wanted to go and audition

but my mum wouldn't let me cos she hated it. She thought

it would be too strict and I'd rebel even worse than I had.

So I just persuaded my mum.

I think we missed the first audition when I was 11,

and then I found out that there was one last audition when I was...

just before I was 13, and she said, "OK, if you still insist."

And so we went for this audition. It was like four days

and I just remember knowing that I had to touch my toes

and I had really tight hamstrings, I could hardly touch my toes.

I could do the splits, so I remember practising and practising

before my audition to be able to touch my toes

cos I knew we had to do that.

I remember going wrong a lot in my audition

where all the dancers would go that way and I'd go that way.

But, amazingly enough, they took me.

Most of the dancers there had all been there for two years before me,

so I was really far behind everybody else.

I had this lovely image of being able to do everything

that I've always wanted to do

and work with a whole lot of dancers

and perform and do school shows and all that.

As soon as I joined, I suddenly realised how far behind I was

from everybody else and that I might have made the biggest mistake,

you know, telling my mother that this is what I wanted to do.

But I knew I couldn't actually go back on my word,

cos I couldn't let my mother have the benefit of the doubt.

Luckily I was quite stubborn, so that kept me through

but my first teacher in year three

actually said that this probably isn't right for me

and I didn't have the head for it or the...just the determination.

I did cry a lot and feel sorry for myself

that I couldn't do any of the steps and everybody was way ahead of me.

So my first year was quite traumatic, to say the least.

'After those early ups and downs, Darcey grew to love her training

'and became more and more determined to pursue a career on stage.

'But it wasn't always plain sailing.'

It was really, really tough

when you get into your last year at White Lodge, fifth year,

and you know the auditions to get into the Upper School...

And everybody, I think, believes, you know, when you're in the school,

you're automatically going to get into the Upper School,

but there's no way. I mean, so many...

I mean, half the amount of you get into the Upper School

and that is terrifying, and you'd seen it happen years before you

with so many, what you thought were great dancers and they didn't get in.

They do an interview with you as well,

and they tell you basically where your weaknesses are

and that was horrible, to hear all that.

And then I remember going in for my interview

and sitting on my hands because I was so nervous about

trying not to fidget, and I was sat like that and I just remember

not being able to move my hands afterwards cos they were so numb.

In my year, I think only... out of 20 girls,

I think only five of us got into the Upper School.

'Having made it into the Upper School,

'Darcey won a solo part in a school production.

'The ballet was Concerto by legendary choreographer Sir Kenneth MacMillan.'

It's quite terrifying cos everybody has to be really clean

and all together and all those things.

And I remember my corps de ballet, we used to have classes...

corps de ballet classes, where you had to keep in line

and in synch with everybody else and I was hopeless at that.

So I was quite lucky I was doing a solo really!

But it was one of those pieces that was very strenuous

and, you know, I didn't... I hadn't really learnt then either...

I wanted to do everything 100%

and I didn't know how to pace myself at all.

So I did totally die and I remember not being able to feel my feet

or my hands, everything kind of would go limp

and you'd go, "Oh, my God, I can't point them, I can't point them!"

'It was Darcey's first role for Kenneth,

'a choreographer who went on to make a lasting impression on her career.'

I think about two weeks before we had our school performance,

Kenneth actually came in to watch us rehearse.

And I remember being incredibly deflated

because I'd slightly pulled something,

I think a hamstring or something, and I could only half-mark my solo.

So I wasn't allowed to do any of the jumps, I could only do the turns.

So there he was, sitting there, and I couldn't even prove that I...

he chose the right girl, which was horrible

because he doesn't show any facial expressions at all when he sits down

and sits through a rehearsal, which was quite humiliating, sadly.

'After all that training,

'the ballet students still needed to find a job.

'In the UK at that time, their options were limited

'to either the resident company of the Royal Opera House,

'or the touring company based at Sadler's Wells.

'But there were no guarantees.'

You're all aiming to get into the resident company

because you know it's the bigger company

and they have the bigger tours and the bigger repertoire, supposedly,

and the touring company is seen to be the company

that doesn't have a home as much.

They had Sadler's Wells Theatre

but they shared that with many other companies.

I got a job with Sadler's Wells Royal Ballet

and they said, "We want you to go there

"because you'll get more experience sooner,"

and I thought, "Wow, they're telling me that I'm going to get,

"you know, some work," so I thought, "That's amazing."

I didn't actually think that I got a duff deal at all.

I was really happy with going into Sadler's Wells Royal Ballet.

A lot of people came up to me and said, "Oh, I just presumed

"you were going to get into the resident company," and I was like,

"Oh, I'm just happy I got a job."

I mean, I think that it was so rare to get jobs

that you were just chuffed that you'd got one,

because there was a lot of dancers that didn't get jobs

and did have to then go abroad.

'When Darcey joined Sadler's Wells Royal Ballet,

'the artistic director was Sir Peter Wright,

'who guided her through her early professional performances.'

He was very forthcoming, as in he would speak to you

and after every performance, you know, however little your role was,

he'd give you some input, and that was amazing.

But my first - I have to say this -

my first part in Sadler's Wells Royal Ballet

after training for eight years, I had a walk-on role as a skeleton.

So I came on in a mask and covered in black

and Galina Samsova was performing and she was the queen,

I think she was Queen Elizabeth or something

and it was...oh, it was the worst part I've ever had.

I had never felt so deflated in my life. I thought, "Oh, my God!"

And this was the first ballet I did with the company

and I was a skeleton.

'Thankfully, the roles soon improved

'and Darcey went on an international tour with Sadler's Wells.

'But everything was about to change.'

At the end of my first year, we were just finishing the season,

and I got called in to the office and I thought, "Ooh, what could this be,

"this is a bit scary, have I done something wrong?"

And he said, "Oh, I've got good and bad news for you."

And I was like, "Oh, God!" Very worried.

Um...Peter said... I said, "Well, tell me the bad news."

He said, "Well, you are leaving the company

"and I'm really sad about that." And I went...

.."OK, why?"

He went, "Because Kenneth MacMillan wants to make a ballet on you

"and you're going to the resident company."

And I was like, "Do I have a choice in the matter here?"

I mean, obviously, it was an extraordinary honour

and suddenly, you know, I was taken outside

and I was photographed in the local paper and everything

and...saw me being pushed into the resident company.

And I remember they said, "We have to promote you."

That was the weirdest thing, "We have to promote you, sadly,

"to soloist because you're doing this main role with Kenneth."

'The beginning of Darcey's life at the Royal Ballet, aged 19,

'just like the beginning of her time at White Lodge,

'six years earlier, wasn't easy.'

There was a lot of disgruntled dancers

that believed that I hadn't done my years,

and normally you wouldn't become a soloist

until maybe three years, four years in a company.

So I knew that I was standing on a lot of people's toes.

So suddenly I came in to the company after being only one year away

and was in solo class with all the principals

which was absolutely terrifying cos nobody knew the hell who I was

and...

really didn't help because they were all very disgruntled.

I don't even remember getting a smile from anybody.

They just thought I was far too young

and I was going to burn out very fast

and I was being pushed by Kenneth

and that I wasn't going to make it, basically.

I think it was so unusual to push somebody

before they'd gone through the ranks,

um, and Kenneth had done this a couple of times, I think,

with Alessandra Ferri and people,

but generally they had never done as well as they should have.

So I think they were just waiting for me to burn out

and it all to be a big mistake.

I was told to go at the back of the class

and stand there and follow

and I even remember the teacher coming in,

wonderful teacher, Gird Lasting,

and she said to me, "I really don't like your name."

Cos we were all called by our surname.

"I can't call you Bussell, I really can't call you Bussell."

I was like, "What's wrong with Bussell?"

"I'm going to have to call you Darcey," like this,

and that was like, "Oh, she's going to be called by her first name!

"Oh, my God!" And I remember that...being slightly odd as well.

But also being... She actually told...

She stopped class at one stage and said, "Sorry."

And she turned around and she looked at me and said, "Darcey,

"you are in the resident company now,

"you're not in that touring company any more.

"We do things properly here."

I was like, "What? I'm doing it just exactly the same

"as you would do, we would do, it's no different."

And she said, "So, you've got..." You know, I think she was just

giving me a correction, but it's just the way she put it,

she went, "You're not in the touring company any more."

And I knew the touring company was brilliant.

'Darcey's first solo role with the Royal Ballet

'was the Lilac Fairy in Sleeping Beauty.'

I had to work side by side with my director, Sir Anthony Dowell,

who was playing Carabosse, and I knew none of the company knew

if I was any good, they'd only seen me in class

and then suddenly I had to go on stage and do this solo

and it's a really hard solo as well.

But the worst bit for me was the mime against Anthony

cos Anthony, you know, was a really friendly director,

but still incredibly nerve-racking cos if he didn't like something,

he could...it would... you'd see it all across his face.

So his face would totally change and he'd go...like that,

after being like that, and go, "Oh, God, what's she doing?"

And it would just... and he'd be like...

I'd be doing this mime and looking at him and going,

"Oh, my God, I don't know what to do next!"

And like, I'd just freeze. It was this awful...

These nerves would come over me and I'd have other fairies...

We had all these fairies in Sleeping Beauty, going,

"To the right, to the left, to the left.

"You've got to say that she's little and then she grows up

"and then she goes to sleep and she pricks her finger and..."

And I remember I would get all the mime in there

but it wouldn't always be in the right order.

And that was the worst bit.

I didn't mind doing the solo,

but I do remember just shaking all the way through that

and then as soon as I got a couple of shows under my belt,

then it was...it settled down,

but it was really tough, really tough.

And just trying to prove myself

and getting the company to accept me was really tough.

Why I was coming into the Royal Ballet was to do this ballet

that Kenneth had wanted to create for many, many years,

and it was called Prince Of The Pagodas.

I was coming in as the main role

of the young girl, which is Princess Rose.

But I knew it was a marathon, I did know that.

Kenneth just loved just working me over and over again,

so we would just rehearse something,

so I would never pace myself at all - we would just go over everything.

Jonathan Cope was the only one that actually spoke to me

all the way through all those rehearsals -

I never got any input from Kenneth or Anthony Dowell, the director,

on saying how to handle a role like this.

It was like coming into the Royal Family!

It was that feeling of, "Is anybody going to tell me how to cope?"

After the curtain went down, the director came on stage

and came straight up to me and said, "We are promoting you to principal."

And I went, "Oh! Are you sure?"

I was like, "No, no, no, no, you can't do this today!"

And that was amazing.

'Darcey felt at home in MacMillan's pieces,

'but no dancer could be at the Royal Ballet

'and avoid the work of Sir Frederick Ashton,

'another one of the great 20th-century choreographers.'

I remember when I first got in the company, I didn't understand

why all the ballerinas or soloists would wear pastel colours.

And I found out - because Ashton loved them

in pale blues and pale pinks and they all wore pale colours,

and I thought, "My God, nobody ever wears those!"

Um, but in the Royal Ballet they did because of Sir Frederick Ashton.

Um, but watching him rehearse, when I was a student, was amazing.

You know, he wouldn't get... let anything go past him.

He was fanatical about movement and how you used your whole body.

And that, I learned a lot, just from watching his ballets

and how they were meant to be done,

and that you used your whole waist

from, you know, en croix, you know, all the way round,

you would show your back in every move you could with Ashton,

and that was brilliant.

And I did love that, and how he got everybody to touch the floor

on every port de bras or renverse, you know,

with balance, he'd be getting everybody to touch the floor.

And we would always laugh and go, "Oh, this is so silly."

But actually, when you stood back in the auditorium

and would watch the stage call and watch them all move,

you'd go, "Oh, my God, of course," you know.

"It's exactly why he's asking for it,"

because of the movement that is created. It was beautiful.

But he was terrifying cos he chain-smoked

the whole way through rehearsals.

And so there was this little puff of smoke, and you knew where he was

cos Sir Fred's over there cos the smoke was coming out.

He was terrifying, and I think he was from that old school

where, if a dancer wasn't producing what he wanted,

they would just be out of that role.

And there would be no question or explain why.

You'd just be out and the next person would be in.

And that's why everybody just looked up at him and just went,

"Oh, my God, I just want to make sure I stay in that part,

"I don't want to lose my role."

And I did see a principal dancer get thrown out of a part,

in front of the whole company, in full costume and make-up,

with the orchestra, and said, "No, that's not good enough, you're off."

And the undercover had to come on and do the whole piece.

'Darcey had an unusual frame for the British ballet style,

'but she wouldn't let that stop her performing her dream roles.'

I think, basically, I was tall and I was very physical

and so I wasn't a typical British dancer frame

and I think a lot of people didn't think I was going to make it

because I wasn't typically English.

You do get told a lot, "This is what you're good at, OK?

"This is what you're not good at."

And, of course, being a bit stubborn, I always wanted to try and prove

that I could be good in the small, fast roles...

and look young and not look tall and lanky

and all those sort of things, and move well, and all those things.

Um, and so I did...I loved doing, like, Ashton's Cinderella.

It was just so musical and was kind of magnetic,

I really enjoyed act two and how it built.

I loved being able to do your solos before your pas de deux,

things like that. And, um...

it was just...it was a real magical...

You really got it, what the audience were getting from it,

and you felt that you were producing a bit of magic on that stage.

Somebody like Sylvie Guillem, who, when I was first in the company,

came and guested, and she was a tall girl, just like me,

an incredible dancer, very strong, physical,

but she did all the classics.

So she did Aurora and, I mean, Swan Lake is more obvious,

but she did Giselle, um...

and she did a lot of the romantic ballets, even being a tall girl,

and I have to say, I think that opened a lot of doors for me

because I think the company really believed that they hadn't

really had a tall, strong dancer. They hadn't had many, basically,

and a lot of the repertoire didn't really have a place for me

and...and with Sylvie coming in and doing a lot of those classics,

it just, I think, opened many more doors for me

and they thought, "OK, Darcey could do that, then."

'But there was one role Darcey was determined to try,

'even if the Royal Ballet director was less than keen on the idea.'

Anthony Dowell, I mean, did say to me, "You'll never do Juliet.

"You know, for me, you're not a Juliet,"

and it was only Kenneth that actually said, "No, I want her to do Juliet."

And to get that ability to actually prove

that I could be a Juliet was amazing

and he did actually say, "I can take all that back,

"you know, you have proved yourself."

That was brilliant, cos I never, ever thought I was going to get that part.

And I'd seen Sylvie Guillem do it and I thought, "Oh, you know,

"I could be a 14-year-old, easy!"

I remember Kenneth always saying, "Have you ever been in love, Darcey?"

And I was like, "I'm not going to tell you."

But it was one of those things where, you know, he wanted to know

if you'd experienced having your heart broken,

if you'd experienced this, or had you experienced that.

And it was really important, cos then he didn't actually believe

you could actually put that into the role then.

And he did, he wanted you... every experience that you'd had,

to put it into a role.

To put your own twist on it was really hard,

and not to look like one of the other ballerinas

that had done it in the past, and that was the toughest thing.

You'd watched videos of great dancers do these roles

and you thought, "Oh, I love how they... Oh, I like that..."

But you wanted your own thing, and that's tough,

and convincing people, "Can't I do it like this?"

You know, and, "Oh, no, the timing changes then, you can't do that."

You're like, "Oh!" like that. So that was slightly deflating.

'Manon is one of the most dramatic roles for a ballerina,

'and Darcey was desperate to take it on.

'But initially it looked like

'she would never get the chance to perform it.'

I had quite an odd experience when I first learnt it,

cos I was down to do it with Irek Mukhamedov,

who was a Bolshoi star,

who'd been in the company for probably about two years.

And we'd had a ballet made on us,

that had been very successful - Winter Dreams -

and that was all great and brilliant

and I really enjoyed working with him.

But he probably was...probably a little bit too small for me.

We probably weren't suited for the classics, especially.

Um, but Kenneth, I think, thought,

because of the success of Winter Dreams

that we'd be perfect in Manon, together -

and it's a totally different ball game.

He'd never done the role before, I'd never done the role before,

and there we were down to do the first night.

And I think two weeks before, we just...both of us knew...

"Oh, my God, this is not working, we can't do these pas de deux,

"this is agony and...and..." It was just basically

that our proportions were not suited to each other.

And so I got taken out cos I was the younger dancer.

And that was heart-breaking.

I actually believed I was going to leave the company.

At that time, I'd just guested with New York City Ballet

and they'd offered me a job and I thought, "Perfect, I'll go there,

"that's fine, I don't care."

I did really, really think about going to New York

and going to the company there and I thought, you know, sadly,

their repertoire just isn't big enough, and I know we have

one of the best repertoires in the world, the Royal Ballet Company.

And I thought, "I've got to stay."

But I was devastated that I didn't get to do Manon that first time.

But luckily I got to do it again, I think the following year,

and it was a brilliant role to play.

I think, cos she goes through... Manon goes through

this massive transformation during this three-act ballet -

from this young girl that's come out of a convent,

who's naive to the world -

and then is taught all these horrible things -

er...how to gain money, how to gain love,

just to manipulate her life or be manipulated.

And she goes through hell, basically.

I mean, it's incredibly dramatic and she grows up incredibly fast,

and gets used and uses others, um...and then dies at the end.

So it is probably one of the most perfect roles

to have played for a ballerina,

because you experience every emotion within three acts.

It's funny, I've done it nearly everywhere around the world

and with other companies.

And, er...but one of my best experiences was

when I did it in La Scala, in Milan.

And, um...you know, being a British dancer

and going, "Yeah, we've got guts as well. We know how to be dramatic,

"and throw a wobbly on stage."

And that was the best thing, cos I could never be a diva

but I could be a diva when I played Manon.

'But all good things must come to an end.

'And in 2006, Darcey decided

'the time had come to hang up her pointe shoes.

'Her final performance on the Royal Opera House stage was in June 2007.'

I think I'd been planning for ages to try and retire gracefully.

I was very fortunate. I'd had my second child,

and she was about three years old.

And I knew I really was pushing the boundaries now -

to have two kids and still be doing all the principal roles -

and I hadn't cut anything out, I was still doing all the classics.

And I just thought, "OK, how can I be a little bit more picky and choosy

"on the roles I do and slightly, you know, roll it down, basically?"

So I became a guest principal,

and I thought, "This is perfect, I can choose what I want to do

"and I can nip out and do performances abroad

"with other companies and stuff."

And I thought, "This is a really nice way of...you know, tuning out

"and...and retiring."

And it's very weird,

because it all depends on what roles come up with the repertoire.

And I kept thinking, "Oh, I really want to do that.

"It would be great if that came in the repertoire," you know.

So of course you could have kept going. I could have kept dancing

for probably another five years, quite comfortably.

Um, but suddenly...Monica Mason,

that was director at the time, when I decided to retire...

And the repertoire in the last year, suddenly there was

Song Of The Earth that came up.

And I went, "Wow, I haven't done that for 18 years."

I thought, "What an amazing piece." It affected me so much

"when I was first in the company

"and I got thrown into the role by Kenneth,

"and everything I've been through with Kenneth.

"What a lovely piece to finish on."

Then everybody was like, "No, no, no, you...

"If you're going to finish, you do a Swan Lake

"or you do a Sleeping Beauty,

"you do a big classic to finish your career on."

And I'm like, "No, this is the role that's going to make

"the biggest meaning. The big impression on me

"is Song Of The Earth."

So I just, um...I said to Monica, I said, "I'd like to do this role."

And she went, "Oh, I really wanted you to do Checkmate."

And I went, "No, I'd like to do the role in Song Of The Earth.

"Please, please, please, please,

"and I would like it to be my last show."

And she's like, "What? Are you sure?"

You know, "Don't make any decisions now,

"but that's fine, you can do Song Of The Earth.

And then, as closer and closer it came to it,

I just said, "Perfect. This is it. I'd like to finish."

And I knew I'd been lucky all the way through my career,

I'd done so much.

I'd had a lot of injuries, but I'd always come back

and I'd always come back stronger

and I'd had two kids and I couldn't have been luckier.

So I knew I didn't want to test that luck any more,

and I thought, "Perfect way of doing it."

But I think you never really know how it's going to affect you.

And all I wanted to do was finish with a really good performance,

I think I had three, four, shows of Song Of The Earth,

and my last one was on the 7th of June and I thought,

"God, if that could just be the best one, please, please, please!"

I wanted it to be really good

so I could really remember going out on a high.

I remember all the way through doubting bits of technique

I was doing, and I kept looking into the wings

and the wings would get fuller and fuller of company members

and people. I was going, "Oh, so many people in the wings,"

and I was trying to just being focused and doing it.

And by the end, it was packed

and I think I was slightly taken aback.

Because I recognised, you know,

old people that used to be in the company were there.

And it suddenly, suddenly hit me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So it was really a special performance.

And then I realised that the whole audience weren't going to sit down,

and I was kind of dumbstruck where all these flowers came on

and then Anthony Dowell came on

and dancers and coaches and everybody I'd worked with during my career

were all there, and I just cracked.

And I never believed I'd crack.

I don't know, I always felt, "I am strong,

"I can compose myself, I'll be able to handle this."

And, um...in front of the whole audience, I burst into tears.

And then I couldn't actually contain myself, which was even worse,

so I didn't recover either, and I thought I'd recover.

But I think I was on the stage for about ten minutes,

blubbering my eyes out.

And I purposely asked for my kids not to be there for my last show,

cos I was...I'd be self-conscious

and worried about them if I knew they were watching.

And apparently they were there.

And so they were brought on and then I blubbered even more.

And I remember my three-year-old going, "Why are you crying, Mummy?"

I was like, "I'm crying with happiness," like this.

But it was a very odd experience

and nothing will ever, ever feel like that ever again.

I think it's that sense of relief and loss, it's weird things.

And I know it's only a career,

but, you know, it was everything to me. That was only...

The only thing I knew about myself was that career as a dancer.

And I was sort of stepping into the unknown.

But, you know, I felt ready, really ready,

and it was an incredible piece to do for my last show.

And, you know, everybody said,

"Oh, you'll make a comeback, Darce, you'll make a comeback."

And I thought, "No, I can't, I can't. This has been perfect."