Dave Allen In Search of the Great English Eccentric

Hello, B for Bruce to Tango Three, are you reading me?

B for Bruce to Tango Three, come in, over.

BOMBASTIC WARTIME MUSIC PLAYS

HE KNOCKS

We're in Z03524 on the port quarter.

Excuse me.

Mr Lacey, can I come in?

A bit of a crush. Yes.

It's nice to have somebody here. Thank you very much.

It's a very lonely life. Where are we off to, then?

Well, we're flying over to France about three days after D-Day,

shooting up ammunition trains

and any German tanks we may see.

Are you really flying? Yes.

You really are in one of these?

Yes, we are, yes. The fact that it looks as though

we're watching television is only an illusion.

I see.

Oh, hello. Good morning.

I wonder, could you tell me, please,

where Mr Alexander Wortley lives, please? Alexander?

Oh, yes, his house is round the back.

You can go either way, actually. Fine. Thank you very much.

Not at all.

Yes? I'm looking for Mr Alexander Wortley again.

Oh, well, no, I'm sorry, this is wrong. Look in there.

There? Yes.

That's his house. The green one. Thank you very much.

Good morning. Good morning. Mr Alexander Wortley?

That's it. Stewart. Alexander Stewart Wortley.

Nice to meet you. My name's Dave Allen. Oh.

I've had a bit of a job finding you.

I didn't realise you lived in a little house like this.

Yes. Try to live here. How long have you been living in here?

Well, I should imagine 25 years.

25 years? Yes.

It was built by Rio's, some of this stuff. Yes.

It's a real box.

Yours is more or less a phantom box, you see. But this is a real one!

Did you... Have you always lived here? Say it again.

You've always lived here? Oh, no.

I've been all around England.

Three times around England, I should imagine.

The first box I had was built from the scrap of London.

And I walked round all the counties of England with it.

And you lived in it? Yes, the scrap of London.

Did you pull it? I pulled it.

If you see the wife, you pull yourself, see the idea? Yeah.

How long have you been staying stationary?

Oh, I've been here 20 years, maybe.

But I used to be at the convent before this,

next door at the presbytery. Yes.

Well, tell me, why did you give up travelling, then?

Well, have you seen I haven't got any wheels on it? Yeah.

That's one reason why I gave over.

Also, of course, I'm 74 years of age,

which pulling boxes and things get beyond you.

You do your own cooking in here. Yes.

You sleep in here. Yes.

Do you wash in here?

Yes, bath in here, I do.

I wash up and down, what they call a rub down.

What about your bed? Where is your bed?

Well, there's this, of course.

The original bed I had for this box,

it came from Oxon. Yeah.

What do they call it, Withy?

It's not a very big bed. How do you lie down?

Oh, I can't really lay down. I put an extension for the feet.

Can I see, then? Yes.

And you put your feet in there, do you? Yes. I used to.

Originally I just had one panel here.

But one morning I woke up,

and they were just getting broad daylight,

and when I opened my eyes, I saw a copper.

He lifted this thing up, this panel, and of course, when you wake up,

if you have committed any crime on this earth

and you see a copper, makes you wonder...

Gives you a bit of a shock!

Do you have a philosophy in life?

Well, I don't call it philosophy.

There's too much of a loss in that.

I like to be on the gaining side of things.

My idea of life is love.

Every time I have contact with love on this planet,

that's all right with me.

And I presume it's much the same thing with you,

only sometimes money and things like that get in between,

which makes it more difficult.

A sense of humour is the world's most valuable thing.

But it comes from the fact that you've got a pure heart

and you've got peace of mind, which goes to make it.

All these comics and people like that

must have a good blood system or you get the dragon

and you wouldn't be able to see the funny side of things at all.

It was really supposed to be the backside of a woman, you know,

but somebody seriously gave you a judging.

There's one queer fella that thinks he can kiss it.

Anyway, he comes from America!

Did you find him all right? Yes, thank you very much indeed.

Does he actually live in that little house all by himself

or is he having me on?

No, no, he's always lived like that, ever since we've known him.

What do your children think? They love him. He's so sweet with them.

It's like having a sort of permanent grandfather in residence.

And what do your own friends think?

One or two find him uncomfortable,

and that's usually because they can't put up

with eccentricity in any way.

They're much too conformist. Do you feed him, or...?

No, no, he feeds himself.

Occasionally we swap things,

like Pancake Day or something.

And he gives something to the dog

and he comes and has Christmas lunch with us.

That's very nice, actually.

He makes very good Yorkshire puddings.

Watch out for aircraft and the ammunition trains.

Over. I've always...

It's hard to believe, actually, that we're in the middle

of the East End. A bit crushed in here.

Yes, well, there's a housing shortage, actually.

Yes, come and join me. You want to have a go? You try it.

Yes, that's right. You move the stick forward to dive.

Be careful, be careful, that's it.

Don't pull it back too steeply,

otherwise we're going to stall.

I see. Can I fire at that aeroplane that's in front of us?

Yes, you can. It's one of ours, but fire at it all the same.

I wonder what happened to him. I haven't fired anything.

Press the button there, quick. What button, where?

Is that him on fire now?

Those are his rockets. Oh, I see.

There's a certain amount of pretence, actually.

In fact, what it is, I don't know where the hell I am, actually.

I'm in a strange world of illusion and fantasy and reality.

It's a marvellous world to be in.

When the Tempter came to him he said,

"If thou be the son of God, command that these stones be made bread."

But he answered and said, "It is written,

"'Man shall not live by bread alone.'"

Adventure,

either physical or spiritual

or mental.

It's surely an essential in the life of anyone

who is to be truly alive,

because life can be oh so dull

and so grey and so mediocre

and so small and so inward-looking

in this day and age.

So dead.

And some people, it would seem,

will never be more dead

than they are at the moment.

And what's faith but the greatest adventure of all,

the greatest gamble,

with the highest stakes a man could possibly lay...

his immortal soul?

The important thing is,

the important thing is the wide horizon,

the urge to see always around the next bend

and over the next ridge.

Perhaps one has to be a bit round the bend oneself,

or at any rate, seem to be, to the comfortable, orthodox,

inward-looking, in the rut, dead,

self-satisfied sort of person.

Kipling wrote, in The Explorer,

"There's no sense in going further

"It's the edge of cultivation

"So they said, and I believed it

"Broke my land and sowed my crop

"Built my barns and strung my fences

"In the little border station

"Tucked away below the foothills

"Where the trails run out and stop

"Till a voice, as bad as Conscience, rang interminable changes

"On one everlasting whisper day and night repeated so...

"Something hidden. Go and find it

"Go and look behind the ranges

"Something lost behind the ranges

"Lost and waiting for you. Go!"

EPIC MUSIC PLAYS 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 RHYTHMIC MUSIC PLAYS 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That's handed over to me now? Yes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Is there any kind of words said or anything? No. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Of course, the Indians generally offered a prayer when they... No. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Do the women get smoke? No. No? No. Oh. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And you must never pass the pipe beyond the doorway. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 If it goes to the doorway, it has to come back and round again. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Mr Blackmore, this is not what one would really expect 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 to find in a place like Eastbourne. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, now, I suppose I'm rather a misfit 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 in a civilised society like this. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You have a drum over there. Yes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That's a deerskin rawhide drum. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I have rattles, you see. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That's a deerskin rawhide rattle. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There we are. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They have songs? Yes, oh, yes, songs for all occasions. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Do you know any songs? Yes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There was one called 'The Leader's Song' 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 from the Omaha Indians. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That was composed by an old Omaha Indian chief once 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 when the people were going on a friendly visit to their old enemies, the Sioux. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They had in some way managed to patch up some sort of peace 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 between the two tribes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There were these Omaha Indians, all in their most beautiful costumes, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 riding down towards the Sioux Indian camp on a friendly visit. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 So as they rode towards the town, the old chief composed this song, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and as the people learned the words and music, they all joined in, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 sang this in a great chorus as they rode towards the Sioux Indian camp, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 hoping for the best and hoping they would be received as friends. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 The words of the song actually mean, "We are dancing, we're moving 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 "toward you, the almighty father alone decides the destinies of men." 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 HE SINGS IN SIOUAN 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Lovely. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 When did your interest first begin? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, I know I was interested in Indians 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 as long ago as when I was nine years of age. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That was 66 years ago. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Of course, they're such an interesting people 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 that once you begin to study them, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 there's so much of it that it just gets you 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and you can't give it up. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 More and more to it as you go along. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Mrs Blackmore, when did you become interested Indians? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 When I met my husband! 1920... Eight. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes, we married in 1928, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 but there was about two years before that. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We did spend our honeymoon in a teepee exactly like this 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 that we made when we were married in 1928. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You went for a honeymoon in a teepee? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes, it was exactly like this. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 One exactly the same as this. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And you've cooked in it, and...? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Oh, yes, yes, it was miserable weather at Easter, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and cold and rainy in places. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I suppose the love kept you warm. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We had a fire in the teepee day and night, you see, too, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 which keeps the ground nice and dry in the teepee all the time 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 you're camping in it. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You've both been adopted into the Sioux tribe. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes, well, Curley wasn't actually adopted into the nation as I was, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 but she was adopted by the grandson of Sitting Bull. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 He adopted her as his sister and gave her the name of Wahuilutuwin, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 which means Red Leaf Woman. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Red Leaf Woman? Yes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And what is your Indian name? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, he gave me, on that occasion, the name Tatanka-Waste, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 which means Good Buffalo. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 But then the next week, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 he officiated at my proper adoption ceremony into the Sioux nation, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and there I was actually adopted into Sitting Bull's family 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and given Sitting Bull's first boyhood name, Honkhaashne, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 which means slow, deliberate or thoughtful. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They said when Sitting Bull was quite young, he was so thoughtful 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and deliberate in everything he did that that was his first name, Honkhaashne. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It's not what we consider to be slightly jokey? Oh, no. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They're very, very serious about it. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They're a very sincere and honest people. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Lying and stealing were two things absolutely unknown to them. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 In all cases, when the Indians... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 When the white men met the Indians, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 the Indians always greeted them as friends 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and did all they possibly could to help them, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 unfortunately for themselves. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Course, in the case of the Spaniards, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 they burned these Indians to death to convert them to Christianity. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They thought that was the quickest way to convert the Indians 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 to Christianity. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Thousands of the Indians were burned to death in the old days. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Then, of course, they blamed the Indians later on 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 when they learned to torture prisoners. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They never did before the white men came. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 The scalping of enemies was another thing the white men started. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We always blame the Indians for scalping enemies, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 but there's not the slightest doubt there were far more Indians 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 scalped by white people in the olden days than there ever were 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 white people scalped by Indians. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 If you could have been born a Red Indian, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 would you have liked to have been? I would, in the old days. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It must've been a wonderful life in the old days. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 But of course, since the coming of the white man, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 they've had a pretty miserable existence. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What do you think you are yourself? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Are you an overgrown child? Yes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I'm not an overgrown child. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I'm a child that never turned into an adult. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I believe children are what adults are meant to be. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 When you see primitive families like Red Indians and Eskimos, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 the children and the adults all play alike together. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 In this country, we only play on the beach with our children, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 or at Epping Forest on August Bank Holiday. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Adults are too embarrassed to play any more 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 because they've been turned into this horrible sort of... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I really regard an adult as a horrible person 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 who has gone off with his life in the wrong direction. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Let me see... The mice. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 CHILDREN CHATTER 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Can you hold them up? Where are all the others? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Can you hold a mouse? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Oh, let me get them all on the umbrella. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You know who they belong to? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Bring your mice to Snowy. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 All bring your mice to Snowy, one at a time. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Snowy is going to stand where that daisy is 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and you'll stand there, each of you, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and bring him along for Snowy. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That's nice, isn't it? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Snowy, tell me, how do you live? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I live off me land. I've got two pieces of allotment. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I grow potatoes and also greens, most of them January King, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 which are very nice, and Brussels and carrots. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I live off my land, you see. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That's all you eat? That's all I eat. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I eat like the rabbits, vegetables, you see. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I don't drink nothing no stronger than water. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 If you could change the world, Snowy, in some way... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Oh, that would be a problem! 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What would you do? What would I do? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Oh, dear, I shouldn't have so many cars on the road. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I'd have a few more of these old carts. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You're meant to shove them, you see. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They just jump in a car 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and press the pedal or something and go. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They don't see... They don't see the countryside. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They don't see all the lovely trees, same as I do. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 If they see them, they wouldn't know what they were there for. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They don't know nothing, only pleasure and riding about in cars. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That's my opinion of it. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 My life is much different, see. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I look on the grass and all around, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 see if that tree is so-and-so, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and that one has blossomed, whichever the case is. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Same with the allotment, you see. So do you... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 These here Brussels coming up, I thought, "I shall be all right 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 "for next winter if there in't food, as long as you keep growing." 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Do you basically think that man is going wrong somewhere? Wrong? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They're all going wrong! 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They are in my little offence. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They've got no manliness about them today, I don't think. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They go gadding about. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They want to be here, there, there and everywhere. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They couldn't walk. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They're young, fit chaps, you know, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 but that'll keep them fit, riding about. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Walk and pedal this lot, pedal this lot up Castle Hill. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That would do them, wouldn't it? Oh, they couldn't do it. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They can't even shove an ordinary bike. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Oh, dear, it's wonderful. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I think actually we might as well get out 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 because we're about to land, aren't we? Yes. OK. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Can you turn your machine gun off? Yes, we're landing. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Let's say we've landed, OK? Right. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What sort of procedures do you have to go through? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We've got to slide the cockpit open to get out. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Unfortunately, the sliding mechanism is broken. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 CARTOON SPRINGING NOISE 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I think my back is as well. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 SPEECH INAUDIBLE 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Jump out through that gap. Fine. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Remember, we are on the ground. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Long way down. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 ENGINE GRINDS 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Right. OK? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I will just put some lights on. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 GUNFIRE SOUNDS 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 A night flight, was it? Yes, it was. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 During the war, we never had things like tape recorders. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Now I can switch this on, you see, and get the sound of an aeroplane. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes. I had to do it all with my own voice box, like... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 HE IMPERSONATES AIRCRAFT DRONE 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What about machine guns? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, I just got... Oh, my gosh, what's that? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Machine gun, of course we never had anything to produce a machine gun 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 during the war, but I've got in my simulator here I can... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 RAPID GUNFIRE 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 ..produce it like that, you see? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What other dreams do you have? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, this year is going to be my great dream. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I'm going to be a pop star. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I'm going to be on Top Of The Pops with Jill, my wife, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 with her own number. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 As I'm getting older, it becomes more difficult to be a pop star, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 but now we've got super wigs and make-up. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 No-one will be able to tell how old I am, you see, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 under all the make-up and stuff. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 So I made this keyboard here, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 this organ, and I'm writing songs 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and I've produced a unit that will actually harmonise with my voice. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 But it needs perfecting a bit. Shall I play you a little bit? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Absolutely, yes. It sounds a bit like music, which is amazing! 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I've never been able to produce anything 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 that sounded like music before. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 SYNTHS DRONE 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And I've got a rhythm machine here, look. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYS 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Like music, isn't it? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Very like modern music! 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Can you sing as well? Yes, yes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I can't sing with it, though. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 So I'm building a machine 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 that can actually play a musical instrument to go with my voice. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I can't actually play... And sing. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 ..and sing to make the music 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 go in the same tune as my voice. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It's a great quandary to be in, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 to want to be a pop star and yet 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 you can't play a single musical instrument. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I think it'd be very easy, actually, nowadays. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What is that thing there? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Ah, that is my wonderful robot. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Can we turn your rhythm down a bit? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I will switch all systems off. That's it. Right. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We forgot to hear this lovely sound here, actually. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Ah, not working. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 WHITE NOISE 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 No, it's not working. Never mind. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That's my lovely burbling and chuckling sound. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 This is my lovely... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What is it? You'll have to explain it. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It's a radio controlled robot. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I used to make robots for television, years ago. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They were always cardboard boxes painted silver with men inside. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 So I dreamed of making a robot that was a real robot. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 So I made it all so you could see all the works. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You could see it was all true and genuine, you see. Yes. Actually... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Has she got a name? Yes, she is called... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 ROBOT SPEAKS INDECIPHERABLY 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Oh, that's not what her name is, no. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Her name is called ROSA BOSOM, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 which stands for 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 "Radio operated simulated actress 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 "battery or stand-by operated mains." 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What do you mean, actress? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, I will use her in a play called The Three Musketeers, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and I use her... In that particular play, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 we're working with a very difficult actress. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I don't know if you've worked with difficult actresses... Oh, sorry! 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 She's a bit difficult, isn't she? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 She's upstaging you there! 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I built this to replace her, you see. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Here we are, bring her over to you. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 ROBOT WHIRRS 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 She's capable of giving you a kiss. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There you are. Oh! 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And her arms go up and down. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And, uh... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Her mouth opens and closes, as you can see, and also... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 She's got a little heart here. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Her heart, that's right, yes, because she falls in love. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And she can move around? Oh, yes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 She can't move backwards, though. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 If I turn her... Oh, yeah, if you turn her... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There's all cables over the place. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Here she goes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And she can talk as well? Yes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Je t'aime. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Mais ca sera polis 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 si je vois que tu es dans ma chambre. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 She needs adjusting. Tu seras perdu. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 To what? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Her lips weren't closing very well. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Actually, she's on the same frequency 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 as the cheap, Japanese, illegal walkie-talkies. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 If there's a child in the neighbourhood 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 who's actually playing about with one of these... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 HE WHISTLES 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You whistle. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Press that button and whistle. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 HE WHISTLES 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You've got to hit the right note. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That's marvellous. What else have you got in this Aladdin's cave? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, let me think. Um... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Oh, God. What's at the back there? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You've got other rooms. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes, out the back there, I call that my memory room. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That's all the things from my childhood, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 all my toys and dressing up clothes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I've got boxes of hats and boxes of shoes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I've got a full set of Japanese armour there. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What advice would you give to me? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You're talking to me about my dreams. What advice... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I represent a fairly standard, normal, I would think, person. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes, well, I would say give up any job that brings you 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 some sort of regular income. Yeah. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And then just think very carefully. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You need to take about a year off from all the pressures and things 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 that you're doing and just think, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 "What would I like to do most in the world?" 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And that might mean doing that all day. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It might mean blowing bubbles... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 MUSIC: "I'm For Ever Blowing Bubbles" by John Kellette 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # I'm for ever blowing bubbles 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Pretty bubbles in the air 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # They fly so high, nearly reach the sky 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Then like my dreams they fade and die 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Fortune's always hiding 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # I've looked everywhere 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # I'm for ever blowing bubbles 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Pretty bubbles in the air. # 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What are those? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Gentlemen. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'I play games all the time. Life is to play games. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'Life is to have a good time. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'I learned that from Rebecca West. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'She said something about, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 '"If it gives pleasure, that's your touchstone." 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'I hope I'm not misquoting her. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'I do it with people and I hope I don't hurt them in doing it. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'I've certainly no intention.' 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 HE PLAYS THE ORGAN 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # I think very deeply 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # I'm a really good thinker 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # People don't bother me much 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # They can see I'm using my mind 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Watch my conclusions 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm... # 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 How would you describe yourself? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, that depends, depends how I'm feeling. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I find it very difficult. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It's too broken up. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I could be described as a humorist, I suppose, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 but that's more like a job, rather than what I am. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I'm a child. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes, I think that's better. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # The grass springs up to meet the air coming down 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # And that's a good idea 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # For if the grass laid low 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # The air would have to come down the extra amount 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Because there has to be something there 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Cos there's got to be something there all the time...# 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What are you doing? Drawing. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What are you drawing? A nut. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Which one? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That one. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Why aren't you drawing the flamingos? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # An old oak tree, an oak tree stands in the shady wood 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # An old oak tree, a fleck of light 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Hits the edge of a leaf and makes the tree some food 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # And makes the oak some sugary sap 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # An old oak tree 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # A long girl stands with her back on the bark 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # And her arms are limp 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Her arms are limp because her bra's too tight 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # And the blood cannot get through 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # An old oak tree 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # A young man stands very close to the girl 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # And his face is red His face is red 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # And his temperature's up because he's been too long in the sun 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # The poor long girl The red young man 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # The old oak tree 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # The end of the song. # 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There's a touch of the anarchist in you, isn't there? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Oh, I'm an angina! Em... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 In the sense that a child is an anarchist because he hasn't - 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 he doesn't, he doesn't know any bosses. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 He hasn't discovered there are things like people you've got to obey 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 or, em, ideas that you've got to obey. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Em, I must say, I like pushing the boat a little, yes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It's my - it's my pleasure. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You know, they have tape recordings at the zoo about the animals 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and they're very full of good information. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 But not completely to my taste. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And I thought, not that I could do better, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 but that I could do differently. And, em, I made a tape recording 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and I took it to the zoo and hid it close to one, behind a bag. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Eh, and waited until there were enough people in the giraffe house 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and then I switched it on. And it went something like... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'This is an animal. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'It has four legs, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'one at each corner, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'to keep it up off the ground.' 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'It helps it also to see the people 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'who are looking at it over the barrier. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'The animals stay there till six o'clock, when the people go home. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'Then they repair to the cafeteria 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'where they have a slap-up feed and a dance, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 'and form some very interesting relationships.' 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What are you drawing? An elephant. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Oh, well, the people were absolutely frozen. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Em.. They were, they were immediately aware, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 em, as though they'd been touched up or something like that. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And they didn't know who had done it. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And if it was somebody nice, they wouldn't mind. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 But if it was somebody nasty... So they kept very, very still. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And didn't turn their heads around to see where it was coming from. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 But they were listening like mad. You could see their ears going! 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And nobody ever said anything and they all went away, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and I don't know what was in their heads. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I can imagine them going away... And they never will. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I suspect not. But it must have been quite traumatic for them. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Because it was done well enough 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 that it wasn't a sort of silly schoolboy prank. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They were faced with something they couldn't deal with. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Perhaps, in a way, this is what I meant, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 creating for people who'd gotten themselves 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 surrounded by rules and regulations so that they could understand life, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 somebody coming along and pushing them all aside, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and making a statement and leaving them to deal with it. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And then they're actually forced to think. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And that's my pleasure. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 This is the treasure trove, is it? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes. I look upon this as my, sort of, room of memories. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I bet you've got everything in here. I don't come in here very often. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Are you just a collector of things? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Do you just collect for the sake of collecting? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I like to collect things that people have used. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There, again, because they're steeped in humanity. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Everybody in England had one of these before the war. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 A do-it-yourself enema. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Fill it with soapy water, then you use it. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And old records. These are records all from my childhood, you see. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 These are all the old 78s we used to play every Saturday night 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 when my mother and I used to have parties. What sort of music is it? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, you know... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # The sun has got his hat on 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Hip-hip-hip hooray. # 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Don't stop, go on. No. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # In 11 more months and ten more days, I'll be out of the calaboose 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # In 11 more months and ten more days 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # They're going to turn me loose. # 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And songs like my favourite one, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 which I made a record of years ago, Sleepy Valley. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Everybody loves a fireside 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # A picture sitting by a fireside 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # In a cosy little home 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # You can call your very own 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # There's a place called Sleepy Valley 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Let's go down to sleepy valley. # 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And so on and so on. But it finishes off with... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Roses round the door 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Babies on the floor 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Who could ask for more in Sleepy Valley? # 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Come on, come on. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Morning. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 DUCKS QUACK 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Come on, come along. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Good morning. Good morning. Can I come in? Yes, come in. Sit down. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I've just got the one o'clock from St Pancras coming down, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 so it'll be here in a minute, you'll be able to see it. The one o'clock? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 The one o'clock from St Pancras to Leeds. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There he is, just going through now. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 BELL DINGS 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Mr Martin, could you tell me exactly where I am? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, this is about five miles from St Pancras in the imagination. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We run this line on the Midland, the old Midland from St Pancras, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 we run as they were before the war, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 you see, 1938, before nationalisation. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And we've tried to run all the trains that used to run from St Pancras. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And that one I believe is still running, actually. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Of course, this is all in steam days 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and we've tried to recreate the steam age. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Have you always loved railways? Oh, yes! 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 All my life, I've always loved railways. From boyhood? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes, right from boyhood. Right from as early a day as I can remember. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 In fact, I suppose, since my mother used to take me to see 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 the trains in Oxford on the Great Western. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There was a London and North Western there as well. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Did you work on the railways? No, I've never worked for the railways. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I'd like to have done, but my father had other ideas. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 One or two railwaymen who have been here have measured it 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and they say we've got between 2,500 and 3,000 feet of track. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 BELL DINGS 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Of course, every down train, there's got to be an up train sometime. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 So, you've got two loops, you see. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 In actual fact, a train will go, say, to Carlisle, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 the engine will be taken on, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 put on the other end, probably come back the following day. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 So that train you've seen go down, I can actually tell you 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 when that comes back. You've seen it go down. I saw it go down. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You saw it go down. And it went down at 1:25. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That comes up at 4:03 this afternoon. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 In other words, you'd have to be here now till four o'clock this afternoon 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 to see that same train come back. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Let's see, there's three, six, eight... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There's nine trains or ten trains on the main line in front of you. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They've all got to be moved. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You mentioned that your timetable is a timetable from St Pancras in 1938. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes. That's right. And from that timetable, you've built the whole... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes, exactly, built the line around the timetable, you see. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We didn't run all the trains... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 If you'll excuse me, I'll just put these signals on. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It's just like the real thing, it is. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Of course, we've got horse boxes to put on. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 When we ran, all the horses went by rail. And you get Ascot Week 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and the derby. There's a horse box there waiting to go. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Unfortunately, it hasn't got any horses in it 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 so it's not in any hurry. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 But it's an empty one, you see, it's got to go back to Newbury. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And it goes down over Acton junction, you see, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 back down over the Great Western, eventually it will. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 When it's a convenient time. But, of course, it's got horses in it. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It's urgent. You've got to see it gets on the right train. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And it takes time to put these on a train. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It takes as long as it does on the railway, really. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Do you run Sunday trains, excursions, and things like that? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes, we do. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Of course, like Easter and Whitsun and times like that, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 about a week before, Lou and I will get together, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and probably some of the other railway chaps, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and we'll work out a timetable for Easter, you see. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We'll say... We shall, this Easter, probably run perhaps 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 20 or 30 special trains. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, that's lucky. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There's a scenery van. That's a van specially built for scenery. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Very little of it done today. The scenery folds up more or less now 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 but in the old days, there had to be an end door. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 In other words, these doors opened so they could slide the scenery on. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 So, you backed it into a bay platform, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 where you could put the scenery in at the end. They ran on Sundays. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That was on last week, that was Pirates of Penzance. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Pirates of Penzance. It's got back now. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It's gone back during the week. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Now, if there's anything this week, it'll be there, won't it, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 ready to send it. We run every day. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 If you've got all this electrical stuff, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 we've got an enormous amount of stuff here, it's like a wireless set. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 If you put it in the cupboard, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 forget it for a month or so, it won't go, probably. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Electrical equipment is like that. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 The more you use it, the better it is. So we run it every day. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Well, now, my wife gets relief. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I don't mean we run all day, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 but we run at least two hours every day, probably some days three. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 If it's a wet day, we run all day. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 But, of course, in the summer, we've got a lot of land, and there's 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 a certain amount of work to do on the land, and the garden to see to. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 But in the winter, we put in an enormous amount of time 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and we get through the timetables probably in about four days. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 That means you've run 24 hours, doesn't it? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Because you start the clock when you come in here. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And when you go out, you stop it. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 So, in the course of 24 hours, you've run a complete service. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You start again. Do you go on strike? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes, we do. Yes, we do. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We don't with everyone, but there was a go-slow quite recently, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and we were working to rule here. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And this, of course, delayed all the trains, as you can imagine. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 There's a parcel train. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 What would be your main trouble here? Mice. Field mice. Mice? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Yes, they move in in September. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It's warm in here, we've got central heating here. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We haven't got it in the house, we've got it in here. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And they all move in, you see. It's not... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It's not every time, but quite often you run the first train, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 a couple of mice... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 You saw that tunnel down there, a couple of mice will come out 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 of there in front of the train and dive under the platform. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 When we built it, we didn't think of mice and so the platforms are hollow. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They've probably got nests under there, we've never had a look. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 And they steal the passengers. We've had to glue everything down. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 My wife bought a little permanent staff, about eight workmen, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 back from London with her. Little model workmen. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We used to have them working on the line in different places. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 But now they have to work in the same place all the time 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 because we've had to glue them down, you see, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 because the mice stole them and hid them under the platform. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They were missing for over a year, we couldn't find them. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Because they're not very heavy, you see, they're very light, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 they're just mischievous, I suppose. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 They never ride on the trains, do they? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I've never seen them on them, no. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 But we've often seen mouse dirt on top of the carriages, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 they go like that. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We're very fond of animals, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 so we never put poison down, wouldn't do a thing like that. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We told the mice, you can help yourselves to the corn 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 that the chickens have, but you let the wires alone. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 So far... They have! ..in 15 years they have, yes. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Let's hope they'll continue to do so. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 I believe that if you tell them, they seem to behave themselves. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Do you ever get bored with it? 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Never! They say life begins at 40. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 It's 60 for me. I retired when I was 60. 14 years, nearly. 13.5 years. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 Great joy and happiness, you know. Every day seems... 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 We always say, tomorrow will be more thrilling than today, 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 and it usually is. 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Just a cosy rest, sweet and heaven blessed 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Like a bluebird's nest in Sleepy Valley 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Love is everywhere, happiness is there 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # In my old armchair in Sleepy Valley 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # All of my troubles, cares of the day 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Like silver bubbles drifting away 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Roses round the door, babies on the floor 25:24:19,771 --> 25:24:19,771 # Who could ask for more in Sleepy Valley? #