Robbie Williams: One Night at the Palladium

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

DRUMROLL

Ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

please welcome to the London Palladium,

your friend and mine, the man of the moment,

Mr Robbie Williams!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Hey, hey, hey

# Hey, hey, hey

# Hey, hey, hey

# Hey, heeeey. #

# Have you seen the well-to-do

# Up on Lenox Avenue?

# On that famous thoroughfare

# With their noses in the air

# High hats and Arrow collars

# White spats and 15 dollars

# Spending every dime

# On a wonderful time

# If you're blue and you don't know where to go to

# Why don't you go where fashion sits

# Puttin' on the Ritz

# Spangled gowns upon the bevy of high browns

# Down on the levee, all misfits

# Puttin' on the Ritz

# That's where each and every Lulu Bell goes

# Every Thursday evening with her swell beaus

# Rubbing elbows

# Come with me and we'll attend the jubilee

# See them spend their last two bits

# Puttin' on the Ritz

# Have you seen the well-to-do

# Up on Lenox Avenue?

# On that famous thoroughfare

# With their noses in the air

# High hats and Arrow collars

# White spats and 15 dollars

# Spending every dime

# On a wonderful time

# If you're blue and you don't know where to go to

# Why don't you go where Harlem flits

-CROWD:

-# Puttin' on the Ritz... #

Yeah!

# Spangled gowns upon the bevy of high browns

# Down on the levee, all misfits... # Everyone!

# Puttin' on the Ritz

# That's where each and every Lulu Bell goes

# Every Thursday evening with her swell beaus

# Rubbing elbows

# Come with me and we'll attend the jubilee

# And see them spend their last two bits

# Puttin' on the Ritz! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you, everybody!

Good evening, the London Palladium.

Good evening to all of you at home.

And it's an honour to play for you tonight. Hey, the cheap seats!

CHEERING

Looking good!

I'd like to sing for you a song from when I was really famous.

It goes like this.

We love you, Robbie!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Oh, it seemed forever stopped today

# All the lonely hearts in London

# Caught a plane and flew away

# The best women are married

# The handsome men are uhh You feel deprived

# Yeah, are you questioning your size?

# Is there a tumour in your humour Bags under your eyes?

# Do you leave dents where you sit? Are you getting on a bit?

# Will you survive?

# You must survive

# When there's no love in town

# A new century is bringing you down

# All the places you have been

# Trying to find a love supreme

# A love supreme... #

What do you think of the tails?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Oh, what are you really looking for?

# Another partner in your life to abuse and to adore?

# Is it lovey-dovey stuff? Do you need a bit of rough?

# Get on your knees

# Yeah, turn down the love songs that you hear

# Cos you can't avoid the sentiment That echoes in your ear

# Saying love will stop the pain

# Love will kill the fear Do you believe?

# You must believe

# When there's no love in town

# A new century is bringing you down

# All the places you have been

# Trying to find a love supreme

# A love supreme... #

Hey, folks!

Hey, boys! How are you feeling, people?

Good evening, ladies. Hey, Steve, you're looking good.

# When there's no love in town

# A new century bringing you down

# All the places you have been

# Trying to find a love supreme

# A love supreme

# A love supreme

# A love supreme... #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# A love

# Supreme. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Wow.

HUBBUB

Everybody, could we have some quiet, please?

Could everybody just calm down? We have a show to do here!

Gonzo! Gonzo, what are you doing?

I'm supervising chickens.

OK, whatever.

HUBBUB

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's going on? Is everything all right?

Yes, of course, Robbie. Absolutely.

-It just seems a bit odd in here.

-Well, we get that a lot.

Listen, Robbie, there is absolutely nothing to worry about.

We couldn't be more organised, right, guys?

And everything is going according to plan.

See? That was part of the plan!

Are you sure you've done this before?

Well, sure, many times.

Listen, Robbie, this is nothing

compared to all the TV shows and movies we've done.

-Really?

-Like our recent one, Muppets Most Wanted.

-Yes.

-Did you just plug your own movie?

Kind of.

Listen, Robbie, don't you worry about a thing.

Just enjoy the show, focus on your performance,

-and we have everything under control.

-Right, then.

-I'll leave it with you guys.

-OK.

OK, guys, going live in 3...2...1!

-Oops.

-It's going to be a long night.

-Somebody get a fire extinguisher.

THUMP

Somebody get an ambulance!

We love you, Robbie!

Thanks, Mum.

HE BEATBOXES

Whistling.

HE WHISTLES

# I knew a man Bojangles

# And he'll dance for you

# In worn-out shoes

# Silver hair, ragged shirt

# Baggy pants... #

There's been a murder. LAUGHTER

# He would do the old soft shoe

# He would jump so high

# Jump so high... # Hi!

# Then he'd lightly touch down

# He told me of a time he worked with

# With minstrel shows

# Travelling throughout the south

# Spoke with tears for 15 years

# How his, how his dog and he

# They would travel about

# But his dog up and died

# He up and died

# And after 20 years he still grieved

# He said "I dance now

# "Every chance in honky tonks

# "For my drinks and tips

# "But most of the time I spend behind these county bars

# "You see, son I likes to drink a bit"

# Then he shook his head

# Oh, Lord when he shook his head

# I swear I heard somebody saying please

# That's Mister Bojangles

# Mister Bojangles

# Mister Bojangles

# Come back and dance, and dance

# And dance, please dance

# Mister Bojangles

# Mister Bojangles

# Oh, Mister Bojangles

# Come back and dance

# And dance, and dance Please dance... #

Come back and dance again, Mister Bojangles.

Good evening.

HE WHISTLES

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# I'm the king of the swingers, oh The jungle VIP

# I reached the top and I had to stop

# And that's what's bothering me

# I wanna be a man, mancub

# And stroll right into town

# And be just like the other men We're tired of monkeying around

# Oh, ooh-be-doo I wanna be like you

# I wanna walk like you Talk like you too-oo-oo

# You see it's true An ape like me

# Can learn to be hu-u-uman too

# And don't try to kid me, mancub

# I made a deal with you

# What I desire is man's red fire

# To make my dream come true

# Now, give me that secret, mancub

# Come on, clue me what to do

# Give me that power of man's red flower

# So I can be like you

# Oh, shoo-be-doo I wanna be like you

# I wanna walk like you Talk like you too-oo-oo

# You see it's true

# An ape like me

# Can learn to be hu-u-uman too

# I'm the king of the swingers, oh The jungle VIP

# I reached the top I had to stop

# And that's what's bothering me

# I wanna be a man, mancub

# And stroll right into town

# And be just like them other men

# We're tired of monkeying around

# Oh, ooh-be-doo I wanna be like you

# I wanna walk like you Talk like you too-oo-oo

# You see it's true

# Sweep to the left Sweep to the right

# Put your hands up if you love your life

# I love your life Do you love your life?

# Loving life

# Sweep to the left Sweep to the right

# Put your hands up if you're feeling nice

# You feeling nice? You're feeling nice

# Feeling nice

# Ooh-be-do I wanna be like you

# I wanna walk like you Talk like you too

# You see it's true

# An ape like me

# Can learn to be Like someone like you

# Can learn to be Like someone like you

# Can learn to be Like someone like you. #

Where did everybody go?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Whoa! We're so near the stage.

-Yeah.

How did we get these seats for tonight's show?

-There was a Robbie Williams competition.

-We won?

No! We lost!

THEY CHUCKLE

Hey, kids! Make some room for your Uncle Rob.

Thank you very much. Shall we do some singing? Yeah.

-Is this your first time on telly?

-Yes!

-Are your folks at home watching?

-Yeah.

Are they going to tape it? SILENCE

Taping, something we did in the '80s. No? Nothing?

Never mind. Welcome to showbiz, kids!

Now let me tell you something about showbiz.

There's going to be some wonderful, wonderful highs.

But there's also going to be some terrible, terrible lows.

But if you remember the words to this song, you'll be fine.

Are you ready?

1, 2, 1-2-3-4.

# Next time you're found with your chin on the ground

# There's a lot to be learned so look around

# Just what makes that little old ant

# Think he'll move that rubber tree plant?

# Anyone knows an ant can't

# Move a rubber tree plant

-# But he's got

-High hopes

# He's got high hopes

# He's got high apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes

# So any time you're feeling low

# Instead of letting go

# Just remember that ant

# Whoops, there goes another rubber tree

# Whoops, there goes another rubber tree

# Whoops, there goes another rubber tree plant... #

I think you've got it! Tell me a bit more.

# When troubles call and your back's to the wall

# There's a lot to be learned... #

-Timber!

-# That wall could fall

# Once there was a silly old ram

# He thought he'd punch a hole in a dam

# No-one could make that ram scram

# He kept buttin' that dam Cos he's got

# High hopes

# He's got high hopes

# He's got high apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes

# So any time you're feeling bad

# Instead of looking sad

# Just remember that ram

# Whoops, there goes a billion kilowatt

# Whoops, there goes a billion kilowatt

# Whoops, there goes a billion kilowatt dam... #

Why? # Yeah, he got

# High hopes

# He's got high hopes

# He's got high apple pie

# In the sky hopes

# All problems, just a toy balloon

# They'll be bursted soon

# They're just bound to go... #

HE POPS HIS CHEEK Ow!

# Oops, there goes another problem, ker...

# Oops, there goes another problem, ker...

# Oops, there goes another problem, kerplop. #

# Kerplop! #

Yes!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING The kids! Come on! Give it up!

Ah, kids today.

Nice to see 'em singing instead of spending

all their time on the internet.

Yeah, what a waste of time that is.

You know, apparently on the internet,

there's this thing they do called "trolling".

-Trolling?

-Yep. You just sit and abuse everyone in show business.

What's wrong with that? We've been doing it for years!

-THEY CHUCKLE

-Good point!

I'm going to bring somebody else up on stage right now.

I love this person, I think she's amazing.

MRS...Lily Allen.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, London.

# Stars shining bright above you

# Night breezes seem to whisper I love you

# Birds singing in the sycamore tree

# Dream a little dream of me

# Say nighty-night and kiss me

# Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me

# While I'm alone and blue as can be

# Dream a little dream of me

# Stars fading but I linger on, dear

# Still craving your kiss

# I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear

# Just saying this

# Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you

# Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you

# But in your dreams wherever they be

# Dream a little dream of me. #

Mrs Lily Allen!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Stars fading but I linger on, dear

# Still craving your kiss

# I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear

# Just saying this

# Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you

# Sweet dreams that leave all worries far behind you

# But in your dreams wherever they be

# Dream a little dream of me

-# Do-do-do-do-do-do

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

# But in your dreams wherever they be

# Dream a little dream of me

-# Ba-do-do-do-do-do

-# La-la-la-la-la-la

# But in your dreams wherever they be

# Dream a little dream of me. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much, London.

Have a lovely evening.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Statler and Waldorf are here.

-Oh, yeah!

-Thank you!

-Yes, hello, hello, everybody!

Thank you very much.

You two are the most grumpiest members

of any audience I've ever had.

THEY CHUCKLE

Well, then you haven't seen our wives!

THEY CHUCKLE

Is there anything about the show that you're going to enjoy?

What about my last song?

Well, as long as it actually IS your last song.

THEY CHUCKLE

AUDIENCE BOOS

Yeah, boo you!

Yeah, we agree! We agree!

But if I'm so rubbish, why did you bother coming?

The only reason we came down here tonight is that we thought

we might see Gary Barlow.

THEY CHUCKLE CHEERING

OK... Listen, lads,

I've got a song that even you are going to enjoy.

Would you mind doing some audience response with me?

-Not at all. Of course.

-Are you going to join in with me?

CHEERING

# Yeah, yeah

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhh... #

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

# Let's get down

# To the nitty-gritty

# I came here to entertain this city

# And are you loud like Wembley?

# Open up your holes, repeat after me

# Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi

# Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi

# Whoa-de-ho-de-ho-de-ho

# Whoa-de-ho-de-ho-de-ho

# Ah-hee-de-hee-de-hee-de-hee

# Ah-hee-de-hee-de-hee-de-hee

# Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho

# Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho

# I am the okey-dokey Stokey blokey

# A little bit chubby

# A little bit cokey

# Been around the world and this is what I've found

# David Seaman is in the prettiest crowd

# Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi

-# Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi

-# Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi

# Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho

# Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho

# Ah-hee-de-hee-de-hee-de-hee

# Ah-hee-de-hee-de-hee-de-hee

# Aho-de-ho-de-ho-de-ho

# Aho-de-ho-de-ho-de-ho

# Folks, this is the story 'bout Minnie the Moocher

# She was a red-hot hootchie-cootcher

# She was the roughest, toughest frail

# But Minnie had a heart as big as a whale

# Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi

# Hi-de-hi-de-hi-de-hi

# Ho-de-ho-de-ho-de-ho

# Ho-de-ho-de-ho-de-ho

# Yahoo, yahoo!

# Yahoo, yahoo!

# Ha-ha-ha-ha!

# Ha-ha-ha-ha!

# Whoa-ho-ho-ho

# Whoa-ho-ho-ho

# Wah-ha-ha-ha

# Wah-ha-ha-ha

# Yea-hhhh

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Poor Min

# Poor Min

# Poor little Minnie. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Aww!

How wonderful. How are you doing, Steve?

Got a good audience this evening, haven't we?

LOUD CHEERING

13 months ago, a very special person came into my life.

CHEERING

Her name is Theodora Rose Williams, and she's my daughter.

CHEERING

She's the best thing that ever happened to me.

She's the love of my life.

I wrote a song about her, and this is it.

This is for Teddy Rose Williams, and it's called Go Gentle.

CHEERING

# You're gonna meet some strangers

# Welcome to the zoo

# Bitter disappointments

# Except for me and you

# Some of them are angry

# Some of them are mean

# Most of us are twisted

# Few of us are clean

# So when you go down to the disco Dancing with young men

# Just keep it simple

# You don't have to kiss, though

# Don't waste time with the eejits that think that they're heroes

# They will betray you

# Stick with us weirdos

# For all your days and nights

# I'm gonna be there

# I'm gonna be there, yes, I will

# Go gentle through your life

# Knowing I'll be there

# I'm going to be there for you

# Don't try to make them love you

# Don't answer every call

# Baby, be a giant

# Let the world be small

# Some of them are deadly

# Some don't let it show

# If they try and hurt you

# Just let your daddy know

# When you go giving your heart Make sure they deserve it

# If they haven't earned it

# Keep searching, it's worth it

# For all your days and nights

# I'm gonna be there

# I'm gonna be there, yes, I will

# Go gentle through your life

# If you want me, I'll be there

# Say my name and I'll be there for you. #

Nice one, folks!

CHEERING

HE WHISTLES MELODY

# Go gentle through your life

# I'm gonna be there

# I'm gonna be there, yes, I will

# If all your days are nights

# I'm gonna be there

# Say my name and I'll be there for you. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, that's overwhelming.

Thank you, folks.

Ahh...

Hmm-hmmm-hmmm!

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Entrez!

Hey, Miss Piggy. I'm sorry to bother you.

-I just wanted to pop by and say...

-Where are the other four?

The other four? I'm not with the other four.

I'm doing my own stuff.

Did you read my contract?

I specifically requested FIVE handsome males.

I mean, you're good... you may even count as two...

Miss Piggy, I really want you to be happy, but...

-Good! Then where are my daffodil leaves?

-Daffodil leaves?

Spread all over the floor so my feet don't touch the ground.

Are you not used to having royalty here in London?

Sorry, Miss Piggy. I do think there's been some kind of misunderstanding.

Yeah, I'll say!

I feel like I just got booked on Butcher Of The Year on BBC Three!

Oh, no, no, no, Miss Piggy. You see, I AM Robbie Williams.

Oh, how wonderful for you(!)

What's a Robbie Williams?

I'm a singer. You know, erm...

Let Me Entertain You.

OK, go ahead, then.

Oh, erm...Candy!

Oh, don't mind if I do. Have you got any chocolate?

No, it's a song.

Erm, how about this one - Angels.

# And through it all... #

Ow! Ow! Stop singing!

Stop it! Stop it!

Oh, good! Oh, I'm so glad you two have met.

Kermie, I'm so glad you're here.

This intruder came into my dressing room.

Piggy, this is not an intruder, this is Robbie Williams.

-Yeah, that's what he keeps saying.

-No, he is the star of the show.

-Him?

-Me.

-YOU?!

-Him!

Robbie Williams is the biggest ever British solo artist.

He's won 17 Brit Awards.

Why, he is a proper pop star.

Oh, THAT Robbie Williams!

Of course! Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

I just wanted to come in and say that it's really amazing

that you're doing the show.

Oh, Robbie! You make moi blush!

SHE GIGGLES

-Don't you have somewhere else to be?

-Uh...yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I...I guess I do.

Now, Roberto, DARLING, why don't you sing for me again?

-Just...not the one about the angels.

-Oh...

# I come from a land of kebabs and curries

# Second helpings, no worries

# Pile the carbs upon the plate

# Then one day, it's too late

# No breakfast, no luncheon Just carpets I'm munching

# A thimble of self-esteem

# Glazed nothing for afters An absence of laughter

# The saddest that I've ever been

# You just can't be portly Not this side of 40

# Showbiz, a single-chin game

# Scum paparazzis and weight police nasties

# Have narrowed the hall of fame

# No-one likes a fat pop star

# Pop is a place for the thin

# No-one likes a fat pop star

# We want to hear thin people sing

# When I get faint I chew through my restraints

# It's the best meal that I've had all week

# If I could eat my own words I'd tear through the verbs

# But nobody pays me to speak

# No-one likes a fat pop star

# Pop is a place for the thin

# No-one likes a fat pop star

# We're sorry, we can't fit you in

# Now you've upset me I feel like a snack

# A packet of Minstrels A pie and a nap

# So what's wrong with that?

# No breakfast, no luncheon Just carpets I'm munching

# A thimble of self-esteem

# Glazed nothing for after The absence of laughter

# The thinnest that I've ever been. #

Thank you.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Huh! I've never seen anything like this before.

-Neither have I.

And I never want to see anything like this again!

I think the next song that I'm about to sing encapsulates how

I feel on my days off, when I'm not being Showbusiness Robbie Williams.

It's from one of my favourite films, and that film is The Wizard Of Oz.

And the song is If I Only Had A Brain.

CHEERING

# I can while away the hours

# Conferring with the flowers

# Consulting with the rain... #

It's like velvet!

# And my head I'll be scratching

# While my thoughts were busy hatching

# If I only had a brain... #

CHEERING

# I'd unravel every riddle

# For any individual

# In trouble or in pain

# With my thoughts I'll be thinking

# I could be another Lincoln

# If I only had a brain

# Oh, I could tell you why

# The ocean's near the shore

# I could think of things I never thought before

# And then I'd sit

# And think some more

# I would not be just a nothing

# My head all full of stuffing

# My heart all full of pain

# Perhaps I'd deserve you

# And be even worthy of you

# If I only had a brain. #

Mr Dave Hartley.

# I could while away the hours

# Conferring with the flowers

# Consulting with the rain

# And my head I'd be scratching

# While my thoughts were busy hatching

# If I only

# If I only

# Had a brain. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, Mr Williams! Come over here! Take a seat!

-Hey, fellas!

-Hey, Gonzo! You OK, Fozzy?

-Have some water.

-Oh, thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-Yeah. Mr Williams, we need to talk.

-Oh, what about?

-There'll be plenty of time for talking after the show.

-It's, er...

-Well, uh...

-..about the show.

What about the show? Don't you think it's been great so far?

-We have some suggestions to improve it.

-What?!

-Well, we think we can make it better.

-Hmm. Better.

-I think I'm needed on stage.

-No! No! No! No! Sit down.

We think your show needs some variety, that's all.

-Yeah, I mean, your songs are amazing.

-We love the songs.

Love 'em!

But songs plus other things...

-That's even amazinger.

-Amazinger.

-Other things?

What are you going to do? Shoot me into the audience?

-Who told you?

-Oh, no.

You see, that's exactly what we're going to do.

Right in the middle of one of your songs, we put you into a cannon

and we shoot you up into the audience,

and you finish the song up there.

It's only failed twice before.

Well, how many times have you tried it?

Twice.

I'll get back to you on that, Gonzo.

What about you, Fozzy, are you going to tell some of your terrible jokes?

-Who told you?

-No thanks, fellas.

Wait, wait, what about this one.

Yesterday I cancelled my gym membership.

Just didn't work out.

Aah! Wocka wocka!

-Tell him the one about the chicken.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, this is a good one. Why did the chicken cross the internet?

To get to the other site.

-That was incredible, Fozzy.

-Oh, thanks!

-I love that.

-Robbie?

-Robbie?

-Robbie?

-Where did he go?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk

# I'm a woman's man

# No time to talk... #

I had to go off to get my Britney Spears microphone.

I think it's time I brought someone else up on stage.

I'm so excited that he's graced my album with his talent.

I think this guy is one of the best songwriters of the last 20 years.

Please put your hands together and welcome on stage Mr Rufus Wainright.

-Hello!

-Hello, darling!

-Palladium.

-Robbie!

-You look amazing.

-I know.

-You look fine.

-Oh, thank you.

-Showbiz kisses.

-Yes. Mwah.

-Mwah.

-Come on, dear.

-This is such an honour...

-You play, I'll sing.

-..to be here.

And you just slapped my ass.

# I'm coming out of my sandbox

# You'll get covered in dog doo

# I'm gonna get off the see-saw

# Say goodbye to your mama

# Oh, yeah

# Let's get high on some pop rock

# Pop rock and coke

# I'll blow your sock off

# Teach you how to laugh at daddy's dirty jokes

BOTH: # Don't hedge your bets Double down

# If you want to get ahead in Tinsel Town

# Turn that smile upside down

# Happy people don't have sex

# Now, Robbie

BOTH: # Everybody swings both ways

# From the butchest, the bandits,

# The fairest, the...

BOTH: # The singers with everything they need

# Everybody swings

# Both ways

# Face it, Robbie

# Uh-huh?

# You're a little bit gay. #

Oh, just a little bit.

-Shall we dance?

-Sure.

# I'm getting hot on the pavement

# Can you find me some grass

# I have a certain arrangement

# Up the Khyber Pass

# Oh, yeah

# Let's get high on some fruit cake

# Fruit cake and tea

# And after you've done her

# Well, you can do me

# All right!

BOTH: # Don't hedge your bets Double down

# If you want to get ahead in Tinsel Town

# Just follow me, you enormous clown

# Clever people don't have sex

# Everybody

# Swings both ways

# The bully, the bigot, the giant

# The midget and singers with everything they need

# Everybody

# Swings both ways

# Face it, Robbie

# Uh-huh?

# You're a little bit gay

# Oh, face it, Palladium

# You're all a little bit

# G-A-Y

# Because we wanna. #

Mr Rufus Wainright!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you remember when Robbie did that show at the Royal Albert Hall?

-Sure, it was a showstopper.

-Oh, yeah?

Then how come it didn't stop this show?

Thank you, everyone!

The next song that I'm going to sing,

my last song with the amazing

and most beautiful Miss Nicole Kidman.

I never thought I'd get to sing that song again with somebody so kind,

so elegant, so attractive...

But tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I have the honour of doing just that.

I'm delighted to introduce one of the biggest stars of all time.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, Roberto.

-Oh, Miss Piggy! Enchante.

# I know I stand in line

# Until you think you have the time

# To spend an evening with me

# And if we go some place to dance

# I know that there's a chance

# You won't be leaving with me

# And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place

# And have a drink or two. #

Or three or four.

# And then I go and spoil it all

# By saying something stupid

# Like I love you

# I can see it in your eyes

# You still despise the same old lines

# You heard the night before

# And though it's just a line to you

# For me it's true

# It never seemed so right before

# I practise every day to find some clever lines to say

# To make the meaning come true. #

Say something clever, Robbie!

# And then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late

# And I'm alone with you

# The time is right

# Your perfume fills my head

# The stars get red

# And oh, the night's so blue

# Ooh, woo, woo, woo!

# And then I go and spoil it all

# By saying something stupid

# Like I love you

# I love you

# I love you

# I love you

# I love you

# I love you

# Yooouuuuuu

# I love you. #

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!

Miss Piggy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Do nothing till you hear from me

# Pay no attention to what's said

# Why people tear the seams of anyone's dreams

# Is over my head

# Do nothing till you hear from me

# At least consider our romance

# If you should take the words of others you heard

# I haven't a chance. #

Ladies and gentlemen, Pete, my dad.

# True, I've been seen with someone new

# That doesn't mean I've been untrue

# While we're apart

# The words in my heart

# Reveal how I feel about you

# Some kiss may cloud my memory

# And other arms can hold a thrill

BOTH # But please do nothing till you hear it from me

# Baby, you never will. #

Come on, Dad!

-Wow!

-Look at this, the Palladium!

The Palladium!

-Morecambe and Wise!

-Frank Sinatra!

Robbie Williams!

# True, I've been seen

# With someone new

# That doesn't mean

# That don't mean

# I've been untrue

# While we're apart... #

Let me have a go!

# The words in my heart

# Reveal how I feel about you

# Some kiss may cloud my memory

# And other arms may hold a thrill

# But please do nothing till you hear it from me

# And baby, you never will

# Please do nothing till you hear it from me

# And baby, you never will. #

Pete! My dad!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much, everybody.

This has been an amazing evening in my life.

It's proper fantasy stuff.

God bless you, the Palladium.

Thank you for having me.

And thank you, everybody at home for not turning over.

I'm going to leave you with Mack The Knife.

# Oh, the shark, babe

# Has such teeth, dear

# And he shows them pearly white

# Just a jack knife

Has ol' MacHeath, babe

# And he keeps it out of sight

# You know when that shark bites

# With his teeth, dear

# Scarlet billows start to spread

# Fancy gloves, though

# Wears ol' MacHeath, babe

# So there's never, never no trace of red

# On the sidewalk

# Oh, Sunday morning, don't you know

# Lies a body just oozing life

# And someone's sneaking round the corner

# Could that boy be Mack the knife

# From a tug boat down by the river Don't you know

# A cement bag is just dropping on down

# Those cements there

# It's there for the weight, dear

# Five will get you ten

# Ol' Macky's back in town

# Did you hear bout Ayda Williams?

# She disappeared, baby

# After spending all of my hard-earned cash

# And now MacHeath spends

# He spends just like a sailor

# Could it be, could it be our boy's done something rash?

# Oh, Jenny Diver

# Miss India

# Look out, Miss Polly Peachum

# And, oh, Lucy Brown

# Oh, the line forms on the right, babe

# Now that Macky's back in town

# I said Jenny Diver

# Oh, Sukey Tawdry

# Look out, Miss Lotte Lenya

# And, oh, Lucy Brown

# Yeah, the line forms on the right, babe

# Now that Macky's

# Back in town

# Look out, old Macky is back

# Yeah. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just when you think this show couldn't get any worse,

something wonderful happens.

-What?

-It ends.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd