Pennod 5 Caryl

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-# You hid your heart

-beneath the stones in the river

-# You hid your heart

-beneath the stones in... oh! #

-What? What happened?

-A fox!

-Oh, yeah.

-A very flat fox.

-Poor little ****.

-We must send it on its journey.

-It's two for one

-on the real ales in the Red Cow.

-We must go

-or we'll miss the promotion.

-Jojo! One of the creatures

-of the universe has left us.

-We must show it some respect.

-Respect, my ****!

-Respect the fox.

-Well, hello lads and lasses.

-Welcome from me, Sioned Grug,

-to another episode of Bwrlwm.

-As you know, I'm usually joined

-by my two friends...

-..Esyllt Rhyd Rhychiog

-and Gwenan Bonc.

-But today, I have a special guest

-in my kitchen.

-Sometimes,

-you need culinary calm...

-..so I'll keep my special guest

-all to myself.

-Welcome to the brilliant baker,

-Beca Lyne-Pirkis.

-Thank you, Beca and your funny name,

-for coming on the programme today.

-No problem.

-I happened to be in the top bar

-at Tafarn Y Fic last night...

-..practising a vocal presentation

-on the theme "crossroads".

-I went downstairs to fetch a jug

-to use as a prop...

-..and that's where I saw her.

-She'd been out all day

-searching for real buttermilk...

-..from the udder

-of a Lleyn cow...

-..for a programme about scones.

-She didn't get a drop from them.

-Our cows dry up when they see

-someone from the south, Beca!

-No, I popped in for a G&T.

-We're filming tomorrow.

-Whatever you say.

-The boys told me the truth

-after she'd gone.

-Previously on Rhyl...

-New life!

-Marina, will you marry me?

-Marina, will you marry me?

-

-OK.

-The wedding's off!

-I'm your mother.

-In a world of people,

-everyone is related.

-Everyone shares blood

-down the centuries.

-Everyone breathes

-the oxygen of the ages.

-But secrets lurk in every lineage...

-..and in those secrets

-lie some painful truths.

-And lots of tacky TV shows

-about them.

-On today's show, we'll find out

-exactly what happened...

-..when a woman told her son

-and daughter she was their mother...

-..just before

-they married each other.

-Is the woman telling the truth?

-Are the man and the woman

-really brother and sister?

-Let's find out the truth.

-First, please welcome

-Dixieland and Marina.

-You can't marry each other

-because you're brother and sister!

-Marina, do you want to tell us

-your side of the story?

-I was well excited because me and

-Dixie were going to get hitched.

-We had loads of plans.

-It was going to be a fairy tale.

-A reception and an evening do.

-We had three Pot Noodles, two Wagon

-Wheels and a Slush Puppy machine...

-..but she ruined it all

-with her stupid lies.

-That 'she' is Rosie.

-We'll meet her in a minute.

-She says she's your mother.

-Yes - stupid.

-How do you feel, Dixie?

-I've got a verruca,

-but apart from that I'm sound.

-No, I meant how do you feel

-about what Marina said...

-..about the wedding that never was.

-Do you love each other?

-Do you love each other?

-

-Oh, yeah. Totally.

-No, not really.

-No, not really.

-

-No, not really.

-So why would you get married?

-So why would you get married?

-

-Coz we were going to have a baby.

-Are you telling me it's alright

-to bring a baby into this world...

-Look at me! Look at me!

-..and force taxpayers like me

-to pay for it?

-In an ideal world, Gaz, yeah,

-but she gobbed off and ruined it.

-Let me finish, young lady.

-Let me finish.

-Are you saying it's alright to get

-busy without taking precautions...

-..even though you know what sort

-of mess the baby would come into?

-That's well bad.

-Marina?

-I see why you're mad with me, Gaz,

-but the thing is I wasn't pregnant.

-He took the test.

-He took the test.

-

-Yeah, but I wasn't pregnant either.

-I was well gutted.

-Throughout all this, you had no idea

-that Rosie O'Grady was your mother?

-No.

-No.

-

-I didn't even know she was a woman.

-Farewell, our ginger friend.

-I hope the next highway

-is kinder to you.

-Quite right.

-Cheerio, Raynard, old boy.

-We'll raise a glass to you

-in the Red Cow.

-Cheers!

-Never mind.

-This girl begged and begged...

-..like Bob Wires's dog on the back

-on Fanny Pritchard's bitch...

-..as Uncle Tyrone from Bermuda

-would say.

-She begged me

-to let her appear on Bwrlwm.

-So I gave in

-and let her have her chance.

-Now then, Lyne-Pirkis, I've bought

-lots of ingredients for you.

-I wondered if you'd be kind enough

-to show our viewers...

-..how to prepare a buffet

-for 50 people.

-For 50 people?

-Well, for ten people then.

-Have you never been to a concert

-in the countryside...

-..and gone to the vestry afterwards?

-I suppose not.

-How about a high tea

-for four people?

-Does she have no friends?

-And so, Beca, what's it going to be?

-Let's start with a simple recipe for

-pice ar y maen - Welsh cakes.

-It's cacen gri - griddle cake

-in North Wales. It makes sense.

-I've never understood

-why they call them pice.

-Pice? You could be eating anything -

-a tool, snot or a pigeon's appendix.

-Go ahead, Pirkis.

-As I was saying,

-a simple pice recipe...

-..using cranberries

-and white chocolate.

-They're lush.

-SIONED GIGGLES

-What's so funny?

-The way you speak Welsh!

-Cranberries and lush

-in the same breath!

-Where did you go to school, Beca?

-Where did you go to school, Beca?

-

-Ysgol Gyfun Glantaf, Cardiff.

-Yes. That explains it.

-They speak a language of their own.

-It's gobbledegook to me.

-"A furlong from the crest

-when the bells' cry of..."

-SHE SCREAMS

-A hedgehog.

-Here's Rosie

-to give us her side of the story.

-Rosie.

-I've ******* had enough

-of your ******* lies.

-I was in ******* labour

-for 18 hours.

-I was in ******* agony.

-You two unfriended me on Facebook.

-I'd personal messaged you

-to tell you I'm your ******* mother!

-You're a waste of ******* space,

-the pair of you.

-Rosie, that's enough. Sit down.

-Rosie, that's enough. Sit down.

-

-Sorry, Gaz. Sorry.

-Waste of ******* space!

-You ignored my Candy Crush requests.

-I've got no access

-to Dixie's ******* baby.

-Rosie, shut up!

-In my hand

-are the all-important DNA results.

-How sure are you that Rosie

-is your mam, in percentages?

-What - maths?

-Are you ready?

-Rosie is not your mother.

-I told you so! Cheers, Gaz.

-I told you so! Cheers, Gaz.

-

-Hang on! Hang on!

-If she isn't my mother...

-..is she still my sister?

-No.

-But I took the test too,

-just for a laugh...

-..and guess what?

-Dixie, I'm your father.

-Wot?

-It's important

-that we look after our animals...

-..during their time on earth

-and beyond.

-They return to the soil

-to enrich our habitat.

-Ah!

-**** the bed,

-you spiky little ****!

-****** spikes!

-Fur wasn't good enough for you,

-you ****?

-THUD

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-Oh, Jools!

-Do us a huge favour will you, babes?

-Only I've just been

-in my Welsh lesson...

-..and next week,

-they're doing a test on pronouns...

-..and when to mutate after them.

-I need the gold star coz a woman

-in our class works for the Assembly.

-She's not an MP or an AM or an MC

-but the way she goes on about it...

-..you'd swear

-she was the First Minister.

-I need to beat her.

-Babes, give me an English sentence

-with a pronoun in it...

-..and I'll translate it into Welsh.

-OK. What's this in Welsh?

-Right.

-Auntie Vicky is riding her bike.

-OK. Hang on.

-P, T, C. B, D, G. Ll, M, Rh.

-Innit? Them's the mutation letters.

-Alright. Hang on.

-Mae Anti Vicky yn reidio... no,

-that's radio, innit?

-No - radio is radio.

-That's what I said.

-That's what I said.

-

-No. You said reidio - riding.

-Reidio sounds like

-radio in English...

-..which is radio in Welsh,

-as in Radio Cymru, or summin'.

-What?

-What?

-

-Forget it. Reidio is fine.

-"Aunty Vicky is riding her bike"

-in Welsh. Go!

-Mae Anti Vicky

-yn reidio ei... pheic?

-Nearly.

-Ei beic.

-Where's the mutation?

-There is none.

-There is none.

-

-Well, I'm sorry!

-The last time I checked,

-Auntie Vicky was feminine.

-The rules are different

-for pronouns.

-That Assembly woman should ask

-Carwyn Jones to ban the mutations.

-Farewell, little hedgehog...

-..with your little legs

-and your cute little nose.

-Depart on your prickly journey.

-Good ******* riddance!

-Oh, Jojo!

-Oh, yeah.

-****!

-It's important that the butter

-is at room temperature...

-..so you don't have to work it

-too much.

-Work that much harder and you'll

-have to pay it the minimum wage.

-It's well kneaded. It looks lovely.

-Here's hoping it tastes lovely too.

-My Welsh cakes are right up there

-with my cerdd dant compositions.

-They're just as popular too,

-if I may say so.

-They don't teach you

-about cerdd dant in Glantaf.

-They do, and I love it.

-I was in every choir

-in every eisteddfod.

-Were you? I'm sure it was lush!

-Now then, Baking Beca, when will you

-add cinnamon to these Welsh cakes?

-You don't use cinnamon

-in this recipe.

-Everybody knows

-there's cinnamon in Welsh cakes.

-Maybe "pice"

-aren't quite so sophisticated.

-Cinnamon masks the flavour

-of the butter.

-I'd rather not use it.

-Well, I think it's perfect.

-I add a bit of nutmeg too.

-A flood of flavour

-to tantalize the taste buds.

-What?

-Poetry. You wouldn't understand.

-Let's get back to the nutmeg.

-Let's get back to the nutmeg.

-

-Not for me.

-I know what flavour is, madam!

-We eat olives in this house,

-I'll have you know.

-Yes, but if you were making

-these Welsh cakes...

-..no flavour could surpass

-that of butter from Welsh dairies...

-..salted by the farmers' tears...

-..and cranberries, watered by pure

-rain droplets from the clouds...

-..and grown with care and tradition.

-That's what gives you

-the best flavour.

-Passion. Tenderness. Love.

-Was that poetic enough for you?

-I learned that in Glantaf.

-Well!

-Well!

-

-Wicked!

-Oh, Veloria!

-I had so much trouble the other day.

-It was just one of those days.

-Do you know what I mean?

-Do you know what I mean?

-

-Yes.

-I arrived late at the dentist.

-I was rushing

-as I got out of the car...

-..and I slipped on the step

-and twisted my ankle.

-Oh!

-The next thing I knew, Rob was

-giving me a piggyback into casualty.

-We waited there for four hours.

-There you go.

-There you go.

-

-It took four hours to be seen!

-It was only a sprain in the end.

-It was only a sprain in the end.

-

-There you go.

-We were meant to go to Cardiff to

-see Andre Rieu but I couldn't go.

-You need to rest it.

-That's what they said to me

-when I had my accident.

-What accident?

-About six months ago. Remember?

-I'd invited Bernard and Meriel,

-Trevor and Justine over for dinner.

-It was a disaster from the word go.

-I was in the kitchen, putting my

-boeuf bourguignon together...

-..but I had no Burgundy,

-so I had to use Merlot.

-Then, the home delivery

-gave me green broccoli...

-..when I specifically ordered

-purple sprouting.

-To cap it all, I broke a ramekin

-and I cut my finger on the shards.

-Oh, Veloria! And on top of all that,

-you had an accident?

-No - that was the accident.

-Geoff wasn't there. He had

-a fourball in the Celtic Manor.

-Luckily, Jack was there.

-Luckily, Jack was there.

-

-Jack the decorator?

-No, not that Jack.

-This one cleans the fish tank.

-Anyway, I gave him my car keys and

-asked him to drive me to hospital.

-I couldn't turn up there

-in his van...

-..with Jackquarium For All Your

-Fishy Needs plastered all over it.

-Despite all the pain and the blood,

-I had to give Jack directions.

-He was on his way to A&E.

-I said,

-"Jack! St Margaret's, please!"

-Private, you see.

-"One of my husband's clients

-is a reconstructive surgeon there."

-"He'll see me immediately."

-It turns out I didn't need stitches

-but they put a plaster on it for me.

-And what a plaster it was, Pam!

-Worth every penny.

-I thought, whilst I was there...

-..I may as well

-have a couple of consultations.

-I had someone take a look

-at my back.

-I can't move in the morning.

-And then, I had someone

-take a look at my shoulder.

-Removing this jewellery

-at the end of every day...

-..is absolute torture.

-Oh, poor Veloria.

-Hi, Veloria.

-I thought it was you hiding there.

-Hello, Grant.

-Pam, this is Grant,

-my personal trainer.

-Hello, Grant.

-I was just telling Pam now

-what fantastic shape I'm in...

-..and all because of you.

-# Deceased hedgehog on the road

-# Deceased... # Stop!

-Look at the feathers!

-Look at the feathers!

-Oh, Val!

-You're actively looking for them.

-Go to the back for a sleep!

-We'll never get to the pub.

-How can I sleep when Armageddon

-is happening in our countryside?

-OK, quick!

-Let's get it over and done with.

-****!

-OK. Here's another one.

-What's this in Welsh?

-Uncle Brian is drinking his pint.

-Um.

-Mae Yncl Brian yn yfed ei paent.

-Pint is peint in Welsh.

-What's paent then?

-Paint.

-Paint.

-

-That's what I said.

-No, you said paent instead of peint.

-You said Uncle Brian was drinking

-his paint, as in emulsion.

-He did once.

-He thought it was Greek yoghurt.

-He was sick for weeks.

-He was sick for weeks.

-

-Anyway. What is it?

-OK.

-Mae Yncl Brian yn yfed ei peint.

-Beint.

-What?

-What?

-

-Mutation, innit?

-Peint, beint! He shouldn't drink

-anything with his dysfunction.

-Fly high, little bird.

-Fly!

-Yeah! Fly and all that.

-# Two little birds upon the roof

-# One named Jim and one named Joe

-# Fly away, Jim

-# Fly away, Joe

-# Come back, Jim... #

-We've got half an hour

-to get to the pub.

-Stop!

-No, not another one!

-For **** sake, Val!

-Murderer.

-What? There's nothing there.

-What can you see?

-You're a cold-blooded killer.

-How can you choose

-to ignore your victim?

-A fly?

-An insect?

-Are you serious, Val?

-You killed that fly.

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

-Jojo?

-I'm sorry, Jojo.

-Jojo?

-Oh, dear!

-SQUELCH

-Who's the murderer now?

-Snail killer!

-# Pavarotti, Carreras and Domingo

-had and idea and bingo!

-# That was kerching-go

-# And then tenors

-all teamed up in trios

-# Singing, sorry, straining

-please no more

-# Another three tenors

-# Was there any need?

-# They're everywhere

-like Who's Who

-# Oh, tenors of the Land Of Song

-# Another three tenors

-# Droning on and on

-# Another three tenors

-# Three tenors more

-# Hitting top Cs

-for every bravo

-# But please, no more now

-# We have plenty

-# Tenors, goodbye #

-S4C subtitles by Eirlys A Jones

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