Dan Thomas Stand Yp

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-Please welcome

-the amazing Dan Thomas.

-It's lovely to be here.

-I've been on tour around Wales

-for what feels like six months.

-I've done the show in Swansea,

-where I'm from originally.

-I live here now.

-Are you familiar with Swansea?

-Where else have I been?

-Is there anyone here

-from West Wales?

-Good, because...

-..the people are so nice...

-..but sometimes,

-they're just a bit...

-I was in a cafe there,

-looking at the menu.

-I asked the woman,

-"What's the soup?"

-She said,

-"It's sort of like liquid food."

-Like many small towns...

-..there was a war memorial

-in the town centre.

-On one side was a list of locals

-who died in the First World War.

-It was a long list

-of those who had died...

-..along with their ranks.

-Jones, Private, Watkins, Sergeant.

-Halfway down,

-I saw something a bit weird.

-Smith, civilian.

-What on earth was a civilian doing

-in the middle of World War One?

-Did he think

-it was a cheap holiday to France?

-Running across no man's land...

-..thinking,

-"This wasn't in the brochure."

-An Englishman shouting in

-the trenches, "You there, get down!"

-"I don't work for you, piss off!"

-As I said,

-I was in West Wales on tour.

-A couple of months ago,

-I was in Cross Hands.

-Genuinely,

-I heard someone say this.

-Something bad had been on the news.

-Another terror attack.

-This old lady in Cross Hands went,

-"It's not safe to leave the house."

-In Cross Hands?

-You're still OK, love.

-I'm fairly sure there's no terrorist

-in a cave somewhere going...

-.."OK, your list of targets -

-New York, Chicago, Paris...

-"Yeah,

-you're not going to like this.

-"Cross Hands."

-That's a pretty good place

-for a terror bombing.

-Have you been to Cross Hands?

-If you were a suicide bomber,

-it wouldn't feel like work.

-After ten minutes, you'd be...

-.."I don't care about the virgins,

-I just want to get out of here."

-I've been driving around

-the country in the countryside.

-I've only been driving

-for a year or two.

-I'm still a novice, really,

-and parking can be hard.

-I had a gig in a pub last weekend.

-There was no car park, but there

-was one at the nearby prison.

-I thought, "I'll just park there."

-I saw a bizarre sign

-at the prison car park.

-"Warning. Parking is for staff

-and visitors only."

-So I thought, "Obviously."

-Only three groups use a prison.

-Staff, visitors and prisoners.

-What would it be like

-if they had a parking space?

-Looking out of the cell window.

-"Oh, mate, you've blocked me in!

-"You'd better have left

-in 20 years."

-My wife's a vegan.

-That's hard, because we often

-holiday in Portugal.

-In Europe, especially the south,

-they haven't sussed veganism yet.

-They're not au fait with it yet.

-On holiday, we drive around,

-stopping everywhere for a look.

-"Let's have a look.

-"There's a lot of steak."

-"It's a steak house, it would have."

-Late one night,

-about ten o'clock...

-..we drove up to this place.

-"Love, we are going there.

-"I don't care if it's a restaurant

-that specializes in live kittens...

-"..that have been bred to weep..."

-Coincidentally, that's what it was.

-A Portuguese

-weeping kitten restaurant.

-"So, this is

-a weeping kitten restaurant, is it?"

-The man said, "Yes."

-My wife started to cry.

-"Don't cry, you'll confuse the cats,

-they'll think they're one of you.

-"Don't be sad. When we go abroad,

-you like to eat authentically.

-"Is weeping kittens

-authentic Algarvean cuisine?

-He went,

-"No, it's only me doing this."

-"Screw it, table for two. It's late.

-What's the wine? Tears? Two."

-There are some things

-I really want to talk about tonight.

-Does everyone

-have one of those dodgy friends?

-I think everyone

-has one dodgy friend.

-The kind of person...

-Someone broke into our house

-about a year ago.

-One of my friends said,

-"Someone broke into your house?"

-"Don't worry, don't worry.

-"I know someone

-who can find out who did it."

-I was like,

-"OK, I know someone too.

-"They're called the police.

-"You don't mean them, do you?"

-"No."

-They stole our television.

-I told him, "They took our TV."

-My friend said,

-"How much was it? 700?

-"I can get you the same TV

-for 50 off my mate Jimmy Onions.

-"Jimmy Onions, yeah."

-Forgive me, but he doesn't sound

-like a licensed Sony dealer.

-The point is,

-everyone has a dodgy friend.

-Mine is my mother.

-It'll make sense

-when I tell you this.

-I realized something

-when I was in my twenties.

-My childhood was stranger...

-..than the childhood

-of literally everyone in this room.

-Definitely.

-I don't even have to ask.

-You know when you meet new people

-at university or work...

-..and you discuss your childhood?

-"I had such a weird childhood.

-"My mother considered

-having dreadlocks at one point."

-Yes, mental.

-Then I tell stories

-about my childhood.

-They all stop and say,

-"Mate, that's fucked."

-And they're right.

-My childhood was nuts.

-I'll prove it to you tonight.

-There were clues that something

-funny was going on when I was small.

-I grew up in Marloes,

-near Haverfordwest.

-I didn't think about this

-until I was a bit older.

-There was always a van

-parked outside our house in Marloes.

-Always, all day, every day.

-I eventually found out that

-our house was being bugged by MI5.

-This is all true.

-Our house was bugged by MI5.

-Memories come back.

-I liked jokes when I was young.

-I heard new jokes at school...

-..and phoned my grandmother

-in Swansea to tell them to her.

-I phoned her one day.

-"I've heard a new joke.

-"What do witches learn in school?

-"Spelling!"

-Then I'd hear a voice,

-and it wasn't my grandmother's.

-"That was crud."

-That was my first review, from

-a constipated MI5 bloke in a van.

-Our phone was bugged,

-our house was bugged.

-Obviously,

-there was a reason for that.

-More stories. I'll build up to it.

-You've all gone through

-your parents' cupboard as a child...

-..just to see what's there,

-and that's fine.

-Usually, you find

-something relatively innocent...

-..like porn.

-That's what all my mates found

-in their parents' cupboards.

-One of my mates

-found a bin bag full of porn.

-That's fantastic when you're ten.

-Why was there

-a bin bag full of porn?

-My mate Paul's father

-was a teacher.

-"Why does your father

-have a bin bag full of porn?"

-Paul just said, "He confiscates it

-from the naughty boys."

-I believed him at the time.

-I thought about this recently.

-That doesn't scan, that's bullshit.

-A teacher who confiscates porn

-would just throw it away.

-He took it home, and God knows

-what excuse he'd tell his wife.

-"No, I have to keep this.

-"That's Razzle, a first edition.

-It'll be worth something one day."

-The same bloke, what a player...

-..his wife found a G-string

-in the car's glove compartment.

-He managed to convince her

-that it was a shammy.

-How thick was she?

-"It's the best thing for the job."

-This was about 20 years ago.

-He's still out there every Sunday.

-"Only thing for the job,

-really gets in the cracks."

-But I didn't find porn

-in my parents' cupboard.

-I found a gun...

-..a landmine...

-..and my parents' divorce papers,

-and I didn't know they had split up.

-I should also say,

-this was on my ninth birthday.

-Happy birthday, me.

-Obviously, something was up,

-landmines and guns.

-Fortunately, around that time,

-my grandmother had Alzheimer's.

-That was poorly phrased.

-She said things that she shouldn't.

-One day, she just said...

-.."Do you know your parents were

-in the Free Wales Army in the '70s?"

-I was like, "OK."

-Then she said,

-"And Santa Claus doesn't exist."

-"You're on a roll,

-aren't you, Gran?"

-Why tell me this? I'm nine.

-"I thought you were 20

-with a growth hormone problem."

-So, that's what I found out.

-My parents were members

-of the Free Wales Army.

-How many of you are familiar

-with the Free Wales Army?

-That's quite good.

-I've asked that question

-on my tour of Wales.

-Usually, if people don't know,

-they'll say so.

-But if they do, people just go,

-"I'm not saying shit."

-You were very brave there.

-A lot of places, people think

-it might be a sting operation...

-..and don't say anything.

-The best I've had

-is someone doing this.

-So, well done.

-Is anyone unfamiliar

-with the Free Wales Army?

-Wales, eh?

-If you don't know,

-are you familiar with the IRA?

-And the Chuckle Brothers?

-It's basically...

-I don't want to take the piss...

-..but it was a small army

-of which my parents were members...

-..that wanted freedom for Wales,

-which was fantastic.

-But it was weird.

-When I found out,

-after my grandmother told me...

-..my mother was willing

-to talk about it.

-Too willing to talk about it.

-All of you probably had lullabies

-and fairy tales at bedtime.

-My mother would go...

-.."Do you want a story?"

-I'd be, "Oh, God!"

-"Free Wales Army?"

-"Yes."

-Every night.

-I'll give you an example.

-One story started off like this.

-"So, we had a load

-of unstable dynamite..."

-Apparently, dynamite goes off.

-Not as in kaboom,

-but as in sour milk.

-"That dynamite's like ripe cheese!"

-This bloke had a bag

-of unstable dynamite.

-I've seen photos, red sticks...

-..like the ones in cartoons,

-with TNT down the side.

-Free Wales Army or Wile E Coyote?

-He had to get rid

-of this unstable dynamite.

-"I know, I'll go for a walk...

-"..and throw it into

-that dry river bed by the field.

-"And I'll take the dog with me.

-He goes for a walk, the bag splits,

-the sticks fall out...

-..and the dog thinks

-the bloke wants to play catch.

-He picks up one dynamite stick...

-..and chases the bloke around

-the field for about an hour...

-..before eventually biting

-into the stick and exploding.

-Just woof.

-Just a reminder.

-This was the story my mother told me

-to help me get to sleep.

-"Yes, the dog died. OK, goodnight."

-If it wasn't stories like that,

-it'd be political polemics.

-"Just so you know,

-before you go to bed...

-"..assassination for political ends

-is always morally justifiable.

-"Mwah, love you."

-.

-Subtitles

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

-It was a small army,

-only 20 members at any one time.

-All the time, just 20, in an army.

-To put that in context, there have

-been 20 members of Guns N' Roses.

-I talk about it with people

-who aren't familiar with the FWA.

-Some people,

-especially English people, go...

-.."That sounds amazing,

-they were a crack team!

-"Like a Welsh Expendables."

-No, there were very few of them,

-not one was expendable.

-They were never in a gunfight...

-..but it would have been terrifying

-for them if they had been.

-Down!

-Bang!

-Oh, crap!

-"You've shot Llinos.

-"She was our lift, so, really..."

-I'd hear more and more stories.

-The Free Wales Army

-only had one casualty.

-That was my dad.

-He'd been shot...

-Thanks for that, fuck you!

-He was shot...

-..when they were on manoeuvres

-on a mountain...

-..with bayonets and so on.

-They had to run down a field

-and stab hay bales and stuff.

-Dad's job was to hold up a gun,

-count to three then shoot.

-But the Thomases

-lack upper body strength...

-..and he got tired very quickly.

-So, he went, "Three, two, one"

-and shot himself in the foot.

-In a proper army,

-if you shoot yourself in the foot...

-..you get an honourable discharge.

-In the Free Wales Army,

-if you shoot yourself in the foot...

-..all you get is a shit nickname.

-My dad's nickname was Foot.

-Dad was Foot.

-There was a bloke called Hotlips

-because he tried a curry once.

-Only one of them had a cool nickname

-and that was the Butcher of Blaenau.

-He was a butcher in Blaenau.

-That's the Butcher of Blaenau,

-the Milkman of Blaenau...

-There was a lot of stuff,

-a lot of stuff...

-They did things like...

-..exchange schemes with

-other terrorist organizations.

-We had to go to France

-when we were at school.

-They went to Palestine.

-They arranged an exchange scheme

-with the PLO.

-It's important you know this.

-The PLO, the Palestinian

-Liberation Organization.

-Not P&O.

-That would be a weird exchange.

-Two FWA blokes just loading...

-"Screw it, we're the cabaret."

-A bloke from the PLO

-had come over...

-..and two blokes from Neath

-went out there.

-Now, the PLO chap

-had a lot more fun...

-..than the Neath blokes did

-out in Palestine...

-..running around for two weeks and

-looking in the Arabic phrasebook.

-"I can't find

-'Where can I get a pint?'"

-That happened, the exchange schemes.

-They were armed to the teeth,

-technically.

-We had this gun,

-and we had this helmet.

-I got this when I was small.

-It was a gift from my parents

-when I was six.

-Look at it!

-I wore it today for the first time

-since I was small.

-Look at this.

-Hang on.

-This is really painful.

-I only realized today

-that this is a child-sized helmet.

-What the hell

-did they have planned?!

-They were trying to turn me

-into a child soldier.

-So, we had those.

-But we had more than that.

-As I said, we had one landmine

-and we had that gun.

-But there was another landmine.

-We had two landmines in the house.

-One in the cupboard...

-..and my grandmother

-had one under the bed.

-In her words, for home protection.

-"I can't get rid of it

-in case someone breaks in."

-What would she do

-if someone broke in?

-"I'll take us both out, prick."

-The thing is,

-she used to keep it under her bed...

-..metal, circular,

-under the bed, next to a bedpan.

-Now, that's something...

-..that you don't want to mix up

-at two in the morning.

-I think she might have, because

-that landmine was quite rusty.

-She had actually

-got rid of that landmine...

-..because in 1988, they'd had...

-..this was in Swansea...

-..they'd had an arms amnesty

-in Swansea.

-You could hand in weapons,

-and many people did.

-Grandad's World War Two revolver,

-that sort of thing.

-Then my grandmother

-turns up with a landmine.

-She'd walked from Brynmill

-to Cockett police station...

-..ideally situated

-for an arms amnesty.

-She walked, even though

-she could have taken the bus.

-But she thought,

-"I don't want to kill everyone."

-She said that to the duty sergeant

-when she handed it in...

-..ironically in a Spar bag for life.

-She just went, boom.

-"I've walked here with this.

-"I didn't want to kill

-everyone on the bus."

-He said, "You're a saint.

-That's a fairly low level

-for sainthood.

-She could have killed

-a busload of people, but she didn't.

-People still talked about that

-at her funeral.

-We'd written stuff down

-for the poor priest...

-..but he hadn't read through it

-before starting the eulogy.

-"Gladys was a good woman

-beloved by all..."

-Fairly standard stuff.

-"She was very involved

-in Labour politics.

-"I'm sorry, I can't read that.

-"It looks like nearly killed

-a busload of people but didn't."

-Late arrivals were asking,

-"Is this Gladys?"

-That was the first time

-I went to a funeral.

-But it wasn't the first time

-I had to deal with death.

-Most people learn about death

-with the loss of a pet or something.

-I found out aged nine,

-when my mother came up and said...

-.."Do you know when I die?

-"I want to show you the package

-I want from the undertaker's."

-Genuinely, she had a brochure!

-I was nine, and she thought,

-"Now's the time, he needs to know."

-"I want to be cremated and scattered

-in the field by Aberglasney.

-"Just remember, OK?"

-"OK."

-"Goodnight!" again.

-About a year ago, she asked...

-.."Do you remember where I want

-my ashes spread? Aberglasney?"

-"Yes, I still think about it.

-"I've spoken

-to my psychiatrist about it."

-"I've changed my mind now because

-they've got a new toilet block...

-"..and it's very vulgar,

-so I don't want to go there now."

-I thought, "You're not going

-to use it, you mad bat.

-"Why do you care? You're insane."

-I told her last weekend...

-..that I'd be talking about

-her change of heart about her ashes.

-She said, "Oh, no, don't say that,

-people will think I'm weird."

-An hour later, she revealed...

-..that she was considering

-putting AstroTurf in the bath.

-She's eccentric,

-I think that's the word.

-If I use the word mental,

-people say it's a bit much.

-Then I tell the stories,

-and it's, "Fair enough."

-I prefer the word eccentric.

-By the mid-1980s...

-..she was a single parent raising me

-and my sister, and it was hard.

-I've got much more sympathy now

-for her eccentricities.

-I'm a parent myself now,

-we have two young daughters.

-Cheers.

-Who here has children?

-Yes, full of joy.

-Who doesn't have children?

-It's lovely, don't get me wrong.

-Children are lovely.

-Children are the best things

-I've ever created with my penis.

-It's not a long list,

-babies and one IKEA bookshelf.

-After I finished,

-I found the Allen key.

-"That would have been handy

-an hour ago. I need Savlon!"

-Everything changes

-when you have a baby.

-Your house changes and now we have

-two, there are toys everywhere.

-Choking hazards everywhere,

-and they don't work.

-The first thing we bought

-was a baby monitor.

-When I was young, baby monitors

-were a microphone and a speaker.

-That's all.

-These days, they have a camera

-pointing at the baby...

-..and you have a screen

-in the room where you are.

-You can look at the baby all day.

-We had one of those.

-We watched the baby on the screen

-all day, just looking at her face.

-Her nose.

-Her cheeks.

-Her lips.

-Her chin.

-I said to my wife,

-"We made that with our love."

-We did that all day, every day.

-But in the dark,

-it goes into night vision...

-..and the baby looks

-like the fucking exorcist.

-Everything changes.

-In the day, she's just cute.

-Six o'clock, it's dark,

-and it's horrific.

-I remember the first time

-the baby cried at 3.00am.

-My wife asked me to go.

-I looked at the screen and said...

-.."No, I'm not going in there

-by myself, not without a shotgun...

-"..and a priest."

-That's the only time

-when it's OK...

-..to take a priest

-into your child's room.

-That joke went down better than it

-did in Dublin, so thanks for that.

-.

-Subtitles

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

-Has anyone seen The Omen?

-Basically, if you haven't seen it,

-it's about the spawn of Satan...

-..born of a jackal...

-..pure evil.

-The fact is...

-..in that film,

-the kid doesn't do anything...

-..I don't have to deal with

-five times every freaking day.

-It's horseshit.

-The worst thing he does...

-..is almost hit his nursery nurse

-down the stairs with a tricycle.

-Keyword, almost.

-He doesn't actually do it.

-My children set up tripwires

-at the top of the stairs.

-There's one scene in The Omen

-where they take the kid...

-..to one of those

-drive-through wildlife parks.

-When they pass the baboons, the

-baboons all sense evil in the car.

-They start to attack the car.

-They just go nuts, right.

-I took my kids to Whipsnade Zoo.

-In the baboon bit,

-it was exactly the same.

-The baboons began

-to throw shit at our car.

-But my kids were in the car

-matching them turd for turd.

-That was in my car.

-The head baboon looked right at me.

-"Leave this guy alone,

-he's having a bad day.

-"Guys, remember,

-we are above all entertainers.

-"Move on, mate, go to the gift shop.

-When I was growing up,

-it was really hard...

-When I was growing up, it was

-a lot harder to make children cry.

-You really had to hit them.

-The father of one of my friends

-broke his rotator cuff...

-..just by whacking him one evening,

-and he cried a little bit.

-My kids cried this morning because

-I'd bought them a blind bag...

-Do you know what a blind bag is?

-It's a swindle.

-You'll know it's a con

-if you have kids.

-It's a toy in a vacuum-packed bag.

-But you can't see what's in it

-until you've bought it.

-Then the kids freak out

-if they've already got it.

-Tough. We've bought it now.

-She started to cry this morning.

-My child cried this morning...

-..essentially because Dadi doesn't

-have X-ray freaking vision.

-"Dad's not clairvoyant. Boohoo!"

-As a parent, I used to think

-that 9/11 was something really bad.

-Then I found out that

-Osama Bin Laden had 24 children...

-..and I'm much more sympathetic now.

-I've only got two,

-and I've never blown anything up.

-The worst I've done is walk

-into a giant Jenga in a pub.

-"Death to the West!

-"Sorry, they're teething,

-I'm in a terrible mood."

-It's like being a hostage.

-I feel like a hostage, right.

-I'm giving you mixed messages,

-but I do feel like a hostage.

-There are two of them, and I look

-after them in the day sometimes.

-Just me and two little kids,

-and I feel like Terry Waite.

-Some of you know.

-Who remembers Terry Waite?

-If you don't,

-he was taken hostage...

-What an amazing reaction.

-Someone went, "Hooray!

-"Finally, someone's doing

-Terry Waite material!"

-If you don't remember Terry Waite...

-..in the 1980s, he was an assistant

-to the Archbishop of Canterbury...

-..who was taken hostage in Beirut.

-The job title assistant

-to the Archbishop of Canterbury...

-..doesn't sound as if you'd be

-at risk of kidnap in Beirut.

-"What's the job? Stuff around the

-office, teas and coffees and so on.

-"And you might have to broker peace

-in the Middle East."

-"What was that?"

-"Don't worry about it."

-He went to Beirut

-and was held hostage for five years.

-Five years tied to a radiator,

-and that's how I feel.

-But at least he was able

-to spend five years thinking...

-.."If I get out of this alive,

-I'm getting a book deal."

-At least he had that option,

-but I don't.

-That actually happened.

-He was released, wrote a book

-and sold half a million copies.

-The person I feel sorry for

-is his publisher.

-He was probably going,

-"Hey, Terry, great book.

-"Sold half a million copies,

-it's a hit.

-"What have you got next?"

-And Terry's just,

-"Um, well, that was the bulk of it.

-"That was the interesting bit,

-I've told you the rest.

-"Teas and coffees and bits

-and pieces around the office.

-"I'm not sure

-there's a book in that."

-The publisher would go...

-.."Don't worry, I've got a plan,

-but you're not going to like it.

-"Basically, I've booked you in for

-a two-week speaking tour of Nigeria.

-"I've put the word around...

-"..that you called Boko Haram

-a bunch of knobheads...

-"..and we'll see what happens."

-You know, I do...

-Children.

-I try to be a good parent.

-It's hard, but I try.

-I try to be at least

-as good a parent as mine were.

-Again, Free Wales Army members.

-I remember my parents' friends

-coming over.

-I'd sit on someone's lap,

-not knowing they were in the FWA.

-They'd say things like...

-.."Do you know anything

-about the Clywedog bomb in 1966?"

-And I'd be, "No!"

-"I'm nine."

-And he'd go, "No, me neither."

-It's weird talking about it.

-I've discussed the FWA in gigs,

-and I remember one in Barry.

-Someone came up to me,

-and he was only about 20.

-Very young. He came up to me.

-"You mentioned the Free Wales Army.

-Can I show you something?"

-He just unzipped his top and went...

-He had a tattoo,

-Free Wales Army For Ever.

-I thought, "Well, OK."

-But if you're a member

-of a terrorist organization...

-..it's important to have

-what I'd call plausible deniability.

-If you get arrested...

-No-one in the Mafia gets arrested,

-"We think you're a Mafia member."

-"You can't prove it."

-"OK, unzip."

-"Goddammit. Knew I shouldn't

-have got the tattoo that says....

-.."'I love the Mafia,

-of which I am a part.'

-"Shoulda got the dolphin tattoo,

-that would have been cute."

-I'll say a couple of other things.

-I've heard these stories

-since I was small.

-My favourite story

-concerns my father being arrested.

-Actually, he hadn't.

-He'd been jailed.

-Some of his friends

-had been arrested...

-..for conspiracy

-to commit acts of terror.

-Dad had decided to go

-to give a speech during the trial...

-..just to put everyone off.

-"This'll confuse 'em!"

-He started to make a speech.

-You know this was in Swansea

-because the judge said to him...

-..I swear to God, this is the quote,

-"Oi, dickhead, come over here!"

-My father said, "What?"

-"Are you going to shut up?"

-"No."

-"In that case, I'm putting you

-in jail until the end of the trial.

-"It should be about a fortnight.

-Take him away."

-So he had to go to jail.

-This happened on a Friday.

-On the Monday,

-he was meant to be in work.

-In those days,

-the boss came around with a list...

-..and ticked names off

-to make sure you were there.

-Off he went.

-"Thomas? Where's Thomas?"

-His friend just said,

-"Oh, he's in jail!"

-The boss said, "Jail, is it?

-Right. I don't know what to do.

-"I can't put him down as sick.

-"I'll put him down as holiday.

-"That way,

-he gets paid for the time."

-That actually happened.

-I'll tell you something else.

-My mother's just had

-her first mobile phone.

-It was six months ago.

-She let my kids play with it.

-This irritated me,

-it's just a segue now.

-My kids broke her phone.

-Who has an iPhone?

-Yes, everyone.

-If you break it,

-you have to take it...

-..to somewhere called the Genius Bar

-in an Apple store.

-That's not progress if it takes

-a genius to repair something.

-When I was growing up,

-if anything electrical broke down...

-..we'd take it

-to someone called Stupid Clive.

-We'd wheel the TV over to him.

-"The telly's broken."

-"I'll sort it out."

-He'd wheel it into the back room

-and you'd just hear hammering.

-"Bastard thing!"

-He'd wheel it back out

-and it would work fine.

-So, iPhones aren't progress.

-Anyway, that's a segue.

-One more story before I finish.

-All the FWA stories

-are from the '60s and '70s.

-But something happened.

-Actually, I'd asked my mother...

-..if she had any regrets

-about being a member of the FWA.

-They were essentially terrorists...

-..spreading fear, planting bombs,

-causing some damage.

-Any regrets?

-This is genuinely what Mam said.

-"Yes, I never got to kick

-an Englishman in the bollocks."

-That was my mother's big regret.

-This was a long time ago,

-but she's still got it.

-That slight crazy mobster quality.

-I was going through

-her address book...

-..about six months ago.

-I found the number

-for a company called TSU.

-Then, in brackets...

-..private South African

-mercenary firm.

-This woman is 72

-and lives in Brynmill in Swansea.

-"Why have you got the number

-of a South African mercenary firm?"

-Genuinely, she said,

-"Because you never know."

-What the hell could happen?

-I'm really terrified now because

-she lives next door to students...

-..and they can be noisy.

-One night,

-they'll push her over the edge.

-She'll be straight on the phone.

-"Hello, is this the private

-South African mercenary firm?

-"Good, I've got a voucher."

-Back to bed she goes,

-then 20 minutes later...

-..black army helicopters

-landing on next door's roof.

-Then through the wall, you hear,

-"Target down, target down.

-"Clear, into the second room.

-"Target down, clear the room.

-"Upstairs now.

-"Targets down, clear.

-"Up to the third level.

-"Site clear."

-Silence for a minute,

-then a knock on Mam's door.

-It's a massive six foot five

-South African in a ski mask...

-..holding two bags...

-..full of heads.

-He hands them over and says,

-"OK, give me the voucher.

-"The next one is free."

-.

-Subtitles

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

-I had to ask why they were so angry.

-Why they were members

-of the Free Wales Army?

-They were angry with the English

-but angrier with the British Empire.

-The British were the real enemy.

-I'd tried to find out

-why they were so angry with them.

-For the show,

-I thought I'd look up...

-..some of the bad things

-that the British Empire did...

-..and make a couple of jokes

-about them.

-But if you look up the top five

-British imperial war atrocities...

-..not a lot of jokes.

-This was my face.

-"Oh, God, straight away."

-What's this? Inspired the Nazis?

-This isn't funny.

-The funniest thing I could find...

-..or the most light-hearted thing

-that the British Empire did...

-..were the 19th century

-opium wars...

-..where they sent people to China

-to get all our heroin back.

-They sent the army and navy...

-..working class boys,

-all willing to go out to China.

-"I'm willing to give up my life...

-"..to make sure that

-my darling Queen, our dear Queen...

-"..gets her daily dose of smack.

-"I want to make sure

-there's enough heroin...

-"..for every man, woman

-and child in my country."

-Essentially, that's what they said.

-I went to Swansea University.

-My university experience

-was very different to theirs.

-They'd formed an army.

-The closest I'd got...

-..was sitting

-on the committee at university...

-..that ran the tuck shop.

-In 2002, Nestle was doing something

-slightly immoral in Africa.

-Overcharging

-for synthetic baby milk.

-The lefties said, "That's terrible,

-let's do something," so, we did.

-Thanks to me, you can't buy Rolos

-at Swansea University now.

-You're welcome, Africa.

-This is amazing.

-I was at university in Swansea

-just after 9/11.

-It's a good uni, it is.

-But it's not exactly Oxbridge.

-I saw something

-that was pure optimism.

-A pub I used to go to,

-Spoonies, Wetherspoons...

-A lot of students went there.

-MI6 had started to put beer mats

-in Wetherspoons in Swansea.

-"Have you considered

-a career in MI6?"

-Now, that's optimism.

-What quality of people

-would they get?

-The best outcome there

-would be that Osama Bin Laden...

-What did they imagine would happen?

-Osama running through some

-Afghan terror network tunnels...

-..being chased by one bloke.

-Osama would eventually be trapped

-against the back of the cave.

-"Where did they ever find

-a man of your calibre?"

-"Wetherspoons, Swansea.

-Bang. He's down, boys!

-"We're all going to Spoofers!"

-Before I go, this is a story

-that happened six months ago.

-I was at a family friend's wedding

-with my mother.

-My mother was standing over there,

-just ruining the buffet.

-Shocking!

-Ever seen anyone eating

-two Scotch eggs at once? Mental!

-I was talking to a bloke over here.

-He was a big boy,

-broad shoulders, fit bloke.

-"So, what do you do?"

-"I'm actually a member of Special

-Branch's anti-terror unit."

-"Oh, that's interesting.

-"I actually...

-"This might be

-of some interest to you.

-"That lady over there who's

-currently ruining the buffet...

-"..with two Scotch eggs

-in her mouth, that's my mum.

-"She used to be a member

-of the Free Wales Army.

-"You probably

-haven't heard of them."

-And he laughed. He laughed.

-"Oh, we've heard of the FWA.

-We've actually got a running joke.

-"Every day

-at the start of the day...

-..we run through a list of

-current terror threats to Britain.

-"It starts off ISIS, maximum threat.

-"Al-Qaeda, maximum threat.

-"Then, an hour and a half later,

-after all the other threats...

-"..just as a joke, we get to

-Free Wales Army, minimal threat."

-And he laughed again.

-"Oh, well, good speaking to you.

-"Mam, Mam, put the Scotch egg down,

-for Christ's sake.

-"That bloke over there

-has a running joke about the FWA."

-She said, "Oh."

-She took out her phone.

-Remember the old days

-when the IRA was active?

-They'd call ahead

-with coded warnings.

-Mam just picked up her phone.

-"Hiya. This is Helen

-from the Free Wales Army.

-"Yes, we're back.

-"I'd like to claim responsibility

-for an attack. What attack?

-"A kick to the bollocks one of

-your pricks is about to take."

-Do you know what?

-A lot of people have asked me this.

-"What effect has being the child

-of Free Wales Army members...

-"..had on your life, Dan?"

-And I thought...

-.."Well, this isn't normal!"

-You've been fantastic.

-Thanks for coming, it means a lot.

-I've been Dan Thomas, goodnight.

-S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.

-.