Elis James Stand Yp

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-Ladies and gentlemen,

-please welcome Elis James!

-Hello!

-Hello, are you all OK?

-Great. Well, I've been on tour.

-The thing about being on tour

-around Wales....

-..you can't think

-too much of yourself.

-The Welsh have a unique way

-of bringing you back down to earth.

-Last Saturday,

-I was in Felinfach, Ceredigion.

-Theatr Felinfach.

-I didn't pick on anyone,

-but I got talking to the front row.

-"Hello, what's your name?"

-and he just went, "Don't!"

-"Don't!" "What? Dai?" "No, don't!"

-"OK, shall I carry on?" "Yes."

-They say that Glasgow's

-a tough comedy gig.

-You try doing Theatr Felinfach

-on a Saturday night.

-You write stand-up

-by doing work in progress gigs.

-In Welsh, "gwaith mewn llaw",

-but no-one says that.

-I was doing these gigs.

-There's a scene in England,

-London especially.

-You turn up

-at work in progress gigs.

-Part of the fun is seeing comics,

-some of them famous...

-..reading off

-the backs of envelopes or receipts.

-There's nothing like that

-in Wales...

-..especially not in Welsh.

-Do you know,

-people don't always like it.

-I've only had this heckle

-in Caernarfon.

-"He hasn't even learnt

-his own jokes. For shame.

-"For shame. Shame on you.

-"I've paid 3 for this, 3!"

-He didn't walk out, though,

-because he had paid 3.

-He sat there and hated every minute.

-I'm very keen

-on boxing slash pugilism.

-Pugilism is a funny word, as it

-doesn't describe what boxing is.

-"I've been pugilising all night.

-"I'm out of breath.

-"I'm out of puff from pugilising.

-"Pugilising all day and all night.

-"That's a pro pugilist's life."

-Imagine saying to Mike Tyson,

-"You're my favourite pugilist."

-"You, Mike

-are my favourite pugilist.

-"No, no, no, no, I'm telling you.

-"You are my favourite pugilist."

-The only way I'd improve

-pugilism slash boxing...

-You know that pre-fight trash talk?

-"Trafod terfysg,"

-for you Radio Cymru listeners.

-"Clebran clatsho."

-Instead of having

-American boxers trash-talking...

-..I'd have Westwalian hambones.

-My entertainment as a youth...

-..was watching farmers squaring up

-outside pubs on Saturday nights.

-No-one fights

-like Westwalian hambones.

-They all fight the same way.

-Chests out.

-"Go on, hit me then, hit me."

-"Bwrw fi te'r brych."

-"Hit me then, you afterbirth."

-You're a bit of cow afterbirth.

-The word "afterbirth" has no place

-in the world of fighting!

-You won't hear it

-at the MGM Grand...

-..or Madison Square Garden

-or Caesars Palace.

-Can you imagine Muhammad Ali?

-"Float like a butterfly,

-bite like an afterbirth."

-"Bwrw fi te.

-Os ti'n bwrw fi, sbadda i ti."

-Sbadda i ti - I'll castrate you!

-He stood on your wife's foot

-in the Golden Lion...

-..and now you want to castrate him.

-Chill out, mate!

-My favourite is,

-"Bwra i fe nes bod e'n tasgu."

-I'll hit him until he splashes.

-"Nes bod e'n tasgu."

-Until you splash, pal.

-There's a poetic feel

-to the word "splash".

-Splash, pal. Splash.

-I read an interesting article

-during the summer.

-It said that bilingual people...

-..have two personalities,

-one for each language.

-I agree with that,

-and this is why.

-There's no English equivalent...

-English people

-don't have anything to compare...

-..with the way normal Welsh people

-talk to old people...

-..especially relatives.

-If I visit my grandparents...

-..or Uncle Jac and Auntie Beryl

-in Cefneithin...

-I love visiting them, but I change

-the moment I walk into the house.

-There I am, 36 years old.

-Jac is 94 and Beryl is 89.

-Beryl will bring some Welsh cakes

-over and I'll go, "Oh, Beryl!"

-"Welsh cakes? Someone's been busy!"

-"Was it you? Someone has been!"

-Jac will go, "Beryl's been busy."

-Beryl will go, "I've been busy."

-"Look at these Welsh cakes.

-You've been up all night."

-"I've never bought Welsh cakes.

-They don't taste the same."

-"No, they don't taste the same."

-"They don't taste the same,

-no, no, they don't."

-"I was up all night."

-"Beryl was up all night." "Was she?"

-"Hey, I like these plates, I do.

-When did you get these?"

-"They're wedding plates. We've

-had them half a century." "No!"

-"Get away! Get away! You don't say."

-"Yes, half a century.

-They made things to last back then."

-"Didn't they make things to last?"

-"These will outlast me and Jac.

-"You can eat Welsh cakes

-off these plates at my funeral."

-"How are you then? How are you?"

-My partner's mother, Val,

-has reached that age.

-If she was Welsh, that's how

-I'd speak to her, but Val's English.

-If she came in

-with a Victoria sponge and I went...

-.."Well, Val, Victoria sponge!"

-"Somebody's been busy!"

-"You've been up all night

-making a Victoria sponge!"

-Val would say,

-"Have you had a breakdown?"

-Last time, I took my daughter Beti,

-who's two and a half.

-There I was,

-rolling her trouser legs up.

-"Look, Jac and Beryl,

-that's what I call two tidy legs.

-"Two tidy legs.

-"Oh, she's a strong one.

-"Oh, she's strong.

-"Look at her arms.

-"Potato harvesting arms!

-"Potato harvesting arms, yes!"

-"Hasn't the weather turned?

-"Hasn't the weather turned?

-"This time last week,

-I was sweating like a breeding sow."

-What's with the agricultural words?

-I've never lived on a farm!

-"It's cold enough

-to freeze a donkey's scrotum."

-I've never seen a donkey's scrotum.

-Google.

-I don't know the optimum temperature

-for a donkey's scrotum.

-But out come these words.

-When I leave,

-I hope Jac and Beryl just ask...

-.."Why does he talk like that?

-"Does he have an app on his phone

-to talk like that to old folk?"

-I'm trying to remember

-when I learnt to talk to old people.

-I must have been young. I remember

-phoning Auntie Peg in Aberystwyth.

-Mam would go, "Elis,

-do you want a quick word?"

-"Do you want a quick word

-with Auntie Peg?"

-"Auntie Peg, how are you?

-"Listen,

-I'm at nursery school full-time now.

-"Yes, morning and afternoon.

-"Yes, morning and afternoon.

-"No, I've been out of nappies

-for ages now, Auntie Peg.

-"The odd accident still happens

-but that's how it goes, yes.

-"No, I'm on the red table with Owain

-Davies, Rhun Lenny and Sian Harries.

-"There's a lot of chatter

-on the red table.

-"No, I'm not naughty,

-I'm just talkative.

-"Five and a half, six in November.

-"Five and a half, six in November.

-"Yes, I'll be having a party.

-A pool party, probably.

-"I don't like swimming, but

-why complain when no-one listens.

-"Yes, there we are.

-"That's the way it is and will be.

-"I'll pass you back to Mam now.

-"Take care, ta-ra, ta-ra."

-I live in London now.

-Longing strikes me in odd ways.

-Beti's friend, Emily,

-started school recently.

-I saw her the other day.

-"How are you, Emily?

-Are you having fun?"

-"I've started school.

-I'm on the puffin table.

-"The puffin table is the best one."

-"Oh, is it? In 1986,

-I was on the red table...

-"..so piss off,

-you and your puffin table.

-"Sorry, please don't cry.

-Your father's in the TAs."

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-Longing is linked with pride.

-I went to the Euros last year,

-the best summer of my life.

-One of the best things was seeing

-flags bearing place-names...

-..before very game,

-places from all over Wales.

-What I liked was...

-..the size of the flag

-never matched...

-..the size of the village.

-Before the England game, there was

-a huge flag behind the goal.

-Llanboidy on tour, 2016.

-Capel Dewi boys, France 2016.

-Bagillt. Where's Bagillt?

-No-one can tell me where Bagillt is.

-Judging by the flag,

-Bagillt could be the capital.

-It's enormous.

-A huge flag from Bagillt.

-We're with the Ffostrasol boys.

-Good lads.

-A big flag, whoa, a big flag.

-Before the game, I said,

-"Hey, I like your flag."

-He said, "The eyes of the world

-are finally on us."

-"The eyes of the world are on us.

-"This is our chance

-to put Ffostrasol on the map.

-"At last, we have a chance

-to tell the world...

-"..that there's more to Ffostrasol

-than the Cnapan folk festival."

-"The eyes of the world

-can see Ffostrasol.

-Then his friend piped up.

-"Our flag's so big,

-and in such a prominent spot...

-"..I hope someone sees the flag

-and invests in Ffostrasol."

-Invest in Ffostrasol?!

-He must have been smoking crack.

-The idea that Roman Abramovich

-is at home with his feet up...

-..watching Wales v Russia on TV.

-"Hmm, I'm looking for

-an exciting new place to invest...

-"..but where?

-"This Ffostrasol place

-looks pretty nice.

-Quick Google.

-"Hmm, it is near

-the metropolis of Llandysul, OK.

-"Ah, the local pub

-has a Talwrn Y Beirdd team. Nice.

-"Aah!

-"There is an A road to Plwmp."

-"An A road to Plwmp, OK.

-"I could trade freely

-with Plwmp. Very nice."

-Apart from Ffostrasol's flag,

-the biggest was from Greenfield.

-I had to Google Greenfield

-because I had no idea where it was.

-It has a fantastic Wikipedia page.

-"Greenfield near Holywell is most

-notable for its speed camera."

-The Ffostrasol boys are still

-waiting for their speed camera.

-"Any day, any day!"

-Now, I speak Welsh with my daughter.

-We live in London

-and I speak Welsh with her.

-She goes to childminder, Carol,

-who's a true native of Peckham.

-She sounds like someone

-from Only Fools And Horses.

-I speak Welsh with Beti Mair,

-but Carol speaks English to her.

-Beti's too young to differentiate.

-Carol's had to learn some Welsh

-to communicate with her.

-I turn up to fetch Beti,

-and Carol opens the door.

-"Oh dear, Daddy, don't talk to me

-about your daughter.

-"She's been a naughty girl today.

-She won't eat none of her bwyd."

-"I couldn't understand

-what was wrong with her.

-"Come on, Beti,

-you love selsig and pasta."

-"Selsig and pasta's your favourite.

-Why don't you clirio your plat?"

-"You used to always

-clirio your plat for Carol."

-"She wanted mas of the high chair,

-so I took her to the park.

-"It might be my fault

-why she didn't clirio her plat.

-"We made fairy cakes in the morning

-and she was licking that llwy.

-"She was licking that llwy

-like nobody's business.

-"And we went to the park.

-"If we're going to the park,

-Beti, you've got to dal my llaw."

-"It's a busy road,

-you need to dal my llaw."

-"And she wouldn't, Daddy.

-"You used to live daling my llaw,

-you were always daling my llaw."

-"Come on!"

-"Right, Daddy, quick question.

-"If it's ci for dog

-and cath for cat...

-"..in Welsh,

-is it still woof and miaw?"

-"Yes, I still say woof and miaw."

-"What noise

-are you making for llwynog?"

-"Llwynog? Oh."

-"Llwynog is sort of waaaaah."

-"Oh, I thought

-you might have a good one.

-"She's funny, your daughter,

-she was having us in fits.

-"She went to the shelf

-with kiddies books."

-"Carol? Carol? Show me the money."

-"Show me the money."

-I said, "She's not saying show me

-the money, she's saying Sali Mali."

-"She wants you

-to read Sali Mali to her."

-"Oh, right, who's this Sali Mali?"

-"Sali Mali

-is a little orange Welsh woman...

-"..who lives on her own,

-a proto Bridget Jones figure.

-"Very late one night,

-there's a knock on Sali Mali's door.

-"She answers the door,

-ignoring police advice.

-"There's a jackdaw at the door.

-"Sali Mali invites it in,

-feeds it and sleeps with it."

-Children looks after children

-of different ethnic backgrounds.

-There's a boy called Juroslav

-whose parents are Ukrainian.

-He speaks some Welsh

-because he talks to Beti.

-"Elis, I like finger dance song.

-# Un bys, dau bys,

-tri bys yn dawnsio #

-Carol joins in.

-# Pum bys, chwe bys,

-saith bys yn dawnsio

-# Deg bys yn dawnsio'n llon #

-"That's one of my favourites.

-"I like boring boring

-hen blant bach."

-"It's heno heno,

-not boring boring, Carol."

-"Oh, right, sorry, sorry."

-Juroslav is a clever boy.

-Hopefully, in 20 years,

-he'll invest in Ffostrasol.

-Fingers crossed.

-Clearing your plate...

-"She will not clirio her plat!"

-Clearing your plate

-is a big part of Welsh culture.

-If you had a Welsh Tinder...

-..it would have to be

-some sort of option.

-Age, 25, seeking fun, maybe more.

-Clear your plate? Every time. Swipe.

-Swipe, swipe, oh!

-Believe it or not, there's a Welsh

-nursery not far from where I live.

-We take Beti there sometimes.

-I've noticed something interesting.

-Children with parents

-from South Wales...

-..the parents sound like me...

-..but the children

-sound like Welsh-speaking Cockneys.

-That's what they are, really.

-But children

-with parents from North Wales...

-"Mam, are we going to get a cuppa

-in Oxford Circus now?"

-How are they doing it?

-It's the world's most robust accent!

-"Go to Leicester Square

-and walk to Piccadilly Circus."

-He lives in Clapham.

-How can he sound like this?

-It's amazing.

-If Trump or Putin press the button,

-in 5,000 years...

-..the only things that'll survive...

-..are cockroaches

-and the Gwynedd accent.

-In 5,000 years,

-loads of Gog-sounding cockroaches.

-"There's not much left

-since that bomb dropped, no.

-"Remember Mark Hughes

-on C'mon Midffild? Good, eh?

-"Do you remember Mark Hughes

-on C'mon Midffild?

-"The real Mark Hughes.

-"He played for Bryncoch

-when he was with Man U. Good, eh?

-"Bayern Munich, Barcelona,

-Chelsea, Bryncoch. Good, eh?"

-Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild

-is the Gogs' moon landing.

-They're all totally obsessed

-with Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild.

-Three words, "Siawns am gem?"

-That's all he says!

-"Any chance of a game, Mr Picton?"

-"Siawns am gem?" Thousands of Gogs,

-the real Mark Hughes with Bryncoch!

-They have C'mon Midffild parties.

-I went to Cardiff University and

-tried to meet fellow Welsh-speakers.

-"I'm Elis from Carmarthen

-and I study History."

-"I'm Garmon from Bangor. Remember

-Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild?"

-"I'm Meirion from Anglesey. Remember

-Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild?"

-I had to explain, it's a cameo,

-not a basis for a culture.

-Mark Hughes didn't ask.

-He didn't ask

-to be on C'mon Midffild.

-They asked him and he agreed

-because there was a fee involved.

-Alex Ferguson, the United manager,

-didn't have to make an awkward call.

-"Hi, is that S4C? Listen.

-"It's Alex Ferguson here,

-manager of Manchester United.

-"My boy Mark won't play...

-"..unless he gets a wee cameo

-in C'mon Midffild.

-"No, he won't train.

-"Can you sort that out?

-That's really great. OK.

-"Mark, it's done. Three words,

-Siawns am gem. Can you say that?"

-The other players were jealous.

-Bryan Robson, the captain.

-"He's allowed

-to meet Bryn Fon, Tecs.

-"I'm England captain,

-I've played in two World Cups.

-"He's allowed to meet Wali

-and Mr Picton."

-"OK, first team,

-whole squad, all in.

-"All in. Right, OK, I get it.

-"I get it.

-"You play for Manchester United,

-biggest club on the planet.

-"You think that gives you

-a God-given right...

-"..to meet Bryn Fon,

-who plays Tecs...

-"..the wee little Wali guy

-and Mr Picton, that's fine.

-"But this is Mark's thing, OK?

-We've got Everton Saturday week.

-"This is Mark's thing,

-it's a Welsh thing, OK?

-"North Wales. But anyway...

-"It dinnae travel, that."

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-If I'm back in Wales...

-..especially in an area

-where Welsh isn't spoken much...

-..I speak more polished Welsh to

-avoid that tedious, stupid debate.

-"If Welsh is so great, how come

-there's no word for fibreglass?"

-What's the English word

-for baguette?

-Or cafe or restaurant

-or entrepreneur or sushi?

-I speak more polished Welsh

-to avoid that tedious argument.

-But the person on the other end

-of the line will catch you out.

-I was on the phone with Mam.

-"Yes, the meat is out defrosting.

-"It's out. I've got it

-in the refrigerator."

-"In the refrigerator."

-"Jesus, Mam, fridge."

-"I know I don't say refrigerator,

-but I'm on the bws slash bus."

-"Casnewydd."

-"Casnewydd."

-"Newport, Mam.

-Jesus, people are looking now.

-"The meat's in the fridge

-and I'm on the bus in Newport.

-"I'll be home soon."

-That was during the tour.

-After the Felinfach gig,

-I got a tweet.

-I was mixing up

-the Welsh for fridge and freezer.

-I got a tweet.

-"Hello, Elis, just a quick note.

-"Fridge is oergell,

-rhewgell is freezer.

-"Don't twat it up on S4C."

-So, I speak more polished Welsh

-to avoid that argument.

-I always ask for a Welsh form.

-Someone somewhere is counting.

-I ask for a Welsh form.

-You have to translate everything,

-that's accepted now.

-But the language translators use...

-..doesn't always reflect

-what people speak on the street.

-"Dim ysmygu yn y fangre hon."

-No smoking in these premises.

-Fangre.

-I've never heard anyone

-use the word fangre in conversation.

-I've never heard anyone say fangre.

-If anyone takes the piss

-out of translators, I get defensive.

-"Actually, I use the word fangre

-all the time.

-"All I did today was walk

-from one fangre to another.

-"I'm tired. Is it OK

-to smoke in this fangre? No?

-"I'd better find

-another fangre then."

-I always ask for a Welsh form,

-but you know, Welsh forms...

-I'm self-employed.

-I was at the HMRC in Llanishen.

-I went up to the counter.

-"I need the SA302 please,

-but could I have the Welsh form?"

-She said, "No problem."

-I got the Welsh form

-and went to the back.

-OK.

-A Welsh form.

-"Gofynnir i chwi..."

-Oh, for God's sake.

-"Hi, me again.

-Have you got the English form?

-"I like

-filling them both in for a laugh."

-Isy's learning Welsh,

-and she has a good vocabulary.

-We're at the point where she has

-to learn about Welsh culture...

-..not just the language and words.

-I try to explain

-the social aspects...

-..of growing up in Carmarthen

-in the mid '90s...

-..especially trying to meet girls.

-In 1996, I was 16.

-In 1997, obviously, I was 17.

-That's how age works.

-I was 16 for five years, actually.

-I was 16, 1996 to 1997,

-trying to meet girls.

-But it was difficult because I went

-to Ysgol Gyfun Bro Myrddin.

-Fans in, yeah!

-Oh, yeah.

-Good exams.

-Oh, yes.

-Anyway, I went

-to Ysgol Gyfun Bro Myrddin.

-The problem was,

-the girls still remembered...

-..the embarrassing stuff I did

-when I was back in Years 7 and 8.

-For example, I once pissed myself

-on the way to Oakwood.

-Sadly, 16 and 17-year-old girls

-don't forget stuff like that.

-By the time I got to 16 or 17...

-..romantically,

-I had become a toxic brand.

-The girls at school

-were out of the question.

-What about the girls

-at the English school?

-They thought I was a hambone,

-even though I lived in town.

-You can't win.

-Carmarthen girls

-were out of the question.

-How about Swansea girls?

-I was from a small town,

-they were from a big city.

-They thought I was a hambone too.

-Dad had the same problem

-in the '60s.

-"I was from Cross Hands and I'd go

-to the Top Rank in Swansea.

-"They thought I was a hambone

-because I was from the Gwendraeth.

-"Even before I spoke a word.

-"I was like Martin Luther King.

-"They judged him by the colour of

-his skin and me by where I was from.

-"No, Dad, it's not the same thing

-and it never was the same thing."

-Dad had the same problem in Swansea.

-He tried to offer advice.

-"Hey, do you want some advice

-about what girls like?" "No, Dad."

-"Two words - clog dancing."

-"You'll be the king of the dance."

-"I don't want to be, do I?"

-So, Carmarthen and Swansea girls

-were out of the question.

-What about Aberystwyth girls?

-Ysgol Gyfun Penweddig?

-Unfortunately, too glamorous.

-Whoa!

-Where did '90s Penweddig girls

-get that confidence, that swagger?

-Where did they get that swagger?

-"Excuse m-me, p-perfect b-being?

-"Where are you from?"

-"Aberystwyth."

-"Don't look at me,

-don't look at me!"

-Perfect being!

-Aberystwyth girls

-are out of the question.

-How about closer to home?

-The Gwendraeth and Llanelli.

-Unfortunately, rough areas, OK?

-I can say that because Mam-gu

-lives there and Dad's from there.

-I can say it. Sadly, rough areas.

-Maes yr Yrfa girls

-always had hard brothers.

-Hard brothers.

-They looked after their sisters

-at Maes yr Yrfa, oh yes.

-Llanelli is a fairly tough town.

-But it's hard to feel afraid...

-..when the Llanelli accent

-is so camp.

-"If you've got something to say,

-say it in my face."

-What?

-"If you've got something to say,

-say it in my face."

-Are you ill?

-"Teleri, is he talking to you?

-Is he talking to you?"

-"Leave him, Iestyn.

-"He's just a kid who pissed himself

-on the way to Oakwood."

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, whoa!

-How do you know?

-"The Bro Myrddin girls said."

-Oh, great.

-No wonder I'm a toxic brand here.

-What about the girls of Machynlleth,

-Dolgellau and up?

-Sadly, too many cultural problems.

-North Wales girls,

-out of the question.

-OK, closer to home again.

-Ysgol Gyfun Preseli in Crymych

-and Ysgol Gyfun Dyffryn Teifi.

-One word - hambones.

-Preseli girls, hambones.

-Dyffryn Teifi girls -

-Through The Looking Glass hambones.

-Defcon milking.

-The triple crown. Huge hands,

-manure under their nails, ringworm.

-Phwoar!

-But I liked country girls.

-Why would you want to eat

-gravy and chips with a fork?

-Why would you want to eat

-gravy and chips with a fork?

-Country girls don't,

-they just shovel it in.

-Shovel it in.

-Gravy dripping off their fingers,

-spraying everywhere.

-"Can I get you a fork?"

-"No. Who are you, Prince Charles?

-Eating with a fork.

-"Marged, Prince Charles is here,

-eating with a fork.

-"Or he's from the House of Lords."

-I liked country girls.

-If you were from somewhere

-like Crymych or Llandysul...

-..Carmarthen is the big city.

-If you want to buy something

-that Londis doesn't sell...

-..you have to come to Carmarthen.

-I was like Jacob Rees-Mogg compared

-to the boys these girls knew.

-"Look, Marged -

-he's got a Boots Advantage card!

-"He smells nice.

-"He can walk to the Body Shop.

-He's from Carmarthen."

-Urbane, liberal sophisticate,

-metropolitan, from Carmarthen.

-I looked too young

-to go out in Carmarthen.

-I was a late developer.

-I went to Cymdeithas yr Iaith gigs,

-where they would serve anyone.

-Thank heavens

-for Cymdeithas yr Iaith gigs.

-The problem was, those gigs

-aren't your usual nights out.

-The atmosphere is more political.

-There you are, 16 years old,

-trying your best to meet girls...

-..dancing to some reggae band

-from Anglesey.

-In the 1990s, the world's reggae

-hotspots were Jamaica and Anglesey.

-How did that happen?

-That's all there was,

-reggae bands from Anglesey.

-Anyway, you go up to a girl.

-"Hello.

-"D-d-do you want to discuss

-the property act?"

-"Shit, you do? Oh, OK."

-"Oh, the property act?

-"Well, high time, if you ask me."

-Country girls were a real tonic

-at a Cymdeithas yr Iaith gig.

-"Do you want to discuss

-the property act?" "No." Great!

-"I'm like a cow on heat."

-Buwch yn wasod - a cow on heat.

-I also went to Maes B.

-I enjoyed Maes B, actually.

-But I've never liked the Eisteddfod.

-Growing up, I thought

-that the Urdd was for swots...

-..and that the National

-was a bit lame, to be honest.

-Wow!

-The atmosphere has turned!

-My God!

-I thought I was in the majority...

-..but I'm in front of 150 fervent

-Cardiffian eisteddfod fanatics.

-One thing I had noticed...

-My sisters loved an eisteddfod...

-..and they're over there.

-Keen eisteddfod-goers.

-But I never liked it.

-Mam and Dad would drag me

-to watch Carys and Nia performing.

-It has nurtured

-a performing style...

-..that's unique

-to the eisteddfod stage.

-You all know what I mean.

-There's no English equivalent,

-certainly not a Hollywood one.

-It's perfect to watch on mute.

-You always know what's going on.

-The one I could never believe...

-..was the action song.

-As a young lad, it went through me.

-Who asked these children

-to discuss such heavy subjects?

-The action song had heavy subjects.

-Carys and Nia finish,

-and a new school comes on.

-"Marged?" "Yes?" "Are you on the way

-to have an abortion?" "No!"

-# Because I use birth control,

-birth control

-# The pill, the pill, condoms

-# Birth control, birth control

-# No need for abortions,

-I use birth control #

-Then, lights down,

-spotlight on a young lad.

-# Farmer's son

-says goodbye to the land

-# Now I'm sniffing glue

-# Now I'm sniffing glue

-# Goodbye to the land, sniffing glue

-# Now I'm sniffing glue

-# Life's in ruins, life's in ruins,

-my life's in ruins, in ruins

-# Your life's in ruins

-# Angel, devil, angel, devil #

-Lights out. Spotlight, same lad,

-his voice has broken.

-"Oh, Dylan, don't sniff glue

-or your life will be in ruins."

-"Oh, no, God's voice!"

-What I couldn't understand...

-I couldn't get to terms with

-the talent that came through.

-Rhys Ifans started at eisteddfodau,

-as did Ioan Gruffudd.

-Did they have to unlearn everything?

-Forget everything

-they'd been taught...

-..at eisteddfodau?

-Ioan Gruffudd's big break

-was Titanic.

-At the end of the film,

-we've all seen him in the lifeboat.

-But he was eisteddfod-trained.

-I've been trying to work out...

-..how he went from there

-to a major Hollywood film.

-I think it happened like this.

-"OK, Titanic, scene 158.

-"Take one, camera speed.

-"And action."

-"Emergency, emergency!

-"Emergency, come to the lifeboat...

-"..or you will drown, drown, drown,

-drown, drown, drown, drown, drown."

-"OK, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

-"Cut, cut, cut.

-"Cut.

-"Everyone else can get a coffee.

-"Hold the roll. Ioan?

-"Ioan?

-"Yes, James, how was it?"

-"Ioan, um...

-"We've got high hopes for you, Ioan.

-"You're talented,

-a good-looking guy.

-"But the whole, um...

-"..drown, drown, drown, drown.

-"Can I ask a question? Did you do

-much eisteddfod while growing up?"

-"Yes, I was a big eisteddfod-goer."

-"Right, OK, OK. Are we talking

-cylch, sir, rhagbrofion?

-"How deep does this go?"

-"Yes, all of them."

-"Did you get llwyfan on the maes?"

-"Yes, I did."

-"OK, so you got llwyfan on the maes.

-"Did you go to Glanaethwy?"

-"No, no, no." "OK, OK."

-"Then we have progress"

-.

-Subtitles

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

-As I get older,

-I'm turning into my father.

-But there are still

-some big differences between us.

-For example,

-Dad is completely obsessed...

-..with the immersion heater.

-If I'm a bit cold when I go home,

-I'll say, "Is the heating on?"

-"Of course it is. It's January."

-I look at the thermostat

-and it's on 13.

-"Dad, you could store meat

-by the TV. What's wrong with you?"

-"If you're cold,

-wear another jumper."

-Another. A second jumper.

-"You've gone soft in London.

-Us Welsh don't feel the cold."

-So, Dad's obsessed

-with the immersion heater.

-If you want a bath in our house,

-you have to switch the hot water on.

-We were there over Christmas,

-me, Isy and Beti.

-Isy wanted a bath

-and Mam said, "Of course, Isy."

-"Switch the immersion on

-for an hour." An hour.

-"Half an hour, Nesta, half an hour.

-"Half an hour

-has always been enough.

-"You've lived here for 30 years.

-"Half an hour has always been OK."

-Isy switched it on for an hour...

-..then she did something

-I've never seen before.

-She went to bed

-without having a bath.

-Yes, whoa!

-"Merry Christmas, I'm going to bed.

-Beti's up early. Goodnight."

-Dad was like this.

-"Going to bed? So soon?

-"So soon, Isy?"

-"Yes, I'm a bit tired,

-it's been a long day."

-"Yes, OK, it's just...

-"..the immersion's been on

-for 58 minutes and 13 seconds."

-Dad's got a stopwatch.

-"I'm going to bed, Eurfyl."

-"OK, you go to bed, goodnight."

-"Goodnight."

-Once Isy's in bed,

-"OK, who wants a bath?"

-"Nesta?" "It's too late for me."

-"Carys? Nia?" "Too late." "Elis?"

-"No, I'm going to bed."

-On the phone, Dewi next door.

-"Hey, Dewi, Eurfyl here.

-"Listen, do you want a bath?

-"Not with me, no, just in my house."

-"You can't offer Dewi a bath.

-He'll think we think he smells."

-Another one of Dad's things

-happens on Boxing Day.

-"Isy, would you like to come into

-the garden to see the septic tank?"

-To see the septic tank!

-To see the septic tank!

-"I remember, last year,

-you didn't have time."

-That was it, poor thing,

-no time to see the septic tank.

-"Nesta tells me you're here 'til

-Wednesday to that's plenty of time.

-"In London, you'll have

-the benefits of mains sewage.

-"But we're a couple of miles

-out of town...

-"..so all the family waste

-is fed into the septic tank."

-"Don't open it.

-What's wrong with you?"

-Us Welsh don't mind

-making fun of ourselves.

-But we get a bit defensive

-if anyone else does it.

-Someone once said to me...

-.."I went

-to Carmarthen leisure centre.

-"I was actually a bit disappointed

-that there was no wave machine."

-Fuck you!

-"I'm sorry my wave machine-less

-swimming pool didn't suffice."

-"There weren't even any slides."

-"You don't like my wave machine-less

-swimming pool...

-"..and I don't like your Queen."

-Someone else said to me...

-.."I went to a wedding

-in Newcastle Emlyn."

-"That's my neck of the woods,

-kind of."

-"Very, very difficult

-to get a taxi after midnight."

-Of course it's difficult.

-Only a thousand people live there!

-Local people plan ahead!

-If you'd asked,

-I'd have given you a lift.

-And if I was busy, Mam or Dad

-would have given you a lift.

-Dad would have offered you a bath.

-Unless Dewi next door

-hadn't used all the hot water.

-"Another lovely bath, Eurfyl."

-But we don't make things easy

-for ourselves.

-I'm a big fan of Take Me Out

-on ITV on a Saturday night.

-A big fan of Take Me Out.

-If you haven't seen it,

-you have 30 single women...

-..and one single bloke.

-The women keep their light on

-if they like the look of him...

-..and switch it off if they don't.

-There's an odd noise

-when the light goes out.

-Now, West Wales

-is over-represented on Take Me Out.

-I've seen many from Carmarthenshire,

-Ceredigion and north Pembrokeshire.

-Statistically, that's too many.

-Too many hambones

-have been on Take Me Out.

-Every time, they come down

-the love lift to meet the girls.

-English blokes always come down

-to R&B, dancing sexily.

-The hambones either come down

-to the national anthem...

-..or Dafydd Iwan, Yma O Hyd.

-Down they come, Dafydd Iwan singing.

-Paddy goes,

-"Single man, reveal yourself."

-Whoever it is, he'll introduce

-the ITV1 viewers...

-..to an accent

-they haven't heard before.

-A Westwalian hambone speaking

-English, maybe for the first time.

-Paddy McGuinness,

-"Single man, reveal yourself."

-"Hello, ladies!

-"Can I just say that you're all

-looking absolutely beautiful?

-"My name is Elgan and I'm

-a dairy farmer from Ffostrasol."

-RAPID BEEPS

-Some girls switch their lights

-back on just to turn them off again.

-Enter Paddy McGuinness.

-"Right, Elgan, from Ffostrasol.

-"You've got 28 lights went off.

-How does that make you feel?

-"Demoralized, Paddy.

-Very, very demoralizing.

-"Disappointing. I've been wronged.

-"But I'm only here

-to put Ffostrasol on the map.

-"To show there's more to Ffostrasol

-than the Cnapan folk festival."

-Two girls still had

-their lights on at the end.

-That's when the man

-can ask the girls a question.

-There he was, two girls.

-Maybe he'll get to go

-on a date to Fernando's...

-..with one of these pretty girls.

-"OK, Elgan from Ffostrasol,

-two lights left.

-"For the holiday of a lifetime

-to the Isle of Fernando's...

-"..what do you want to ask

-the two lovely ladies left?"

-"Ladies!

-"Quick question, ladies.

-"When you are eating

-gravy and chips...

-"..do you do it a, with a fork

-or b, without a fork?"

-"With a fork." "Goodbye, ladies."

-Thanks for your patience.

-My name is Elis James. Goodnight.

-S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.

-.