Elis James Stand Yp


Elis James

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-Ladies and gentlemen,

-please welcome Elis James!

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-Hello!

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-Hello, are you all OK?

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-Great. Well, I've been on tour.

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-The thing about being on tour

-around Wales....

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-..you can't think

-too much of yourself.

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-The Welsh have a unique way

-of bringing you back down to earth.

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-Last Saturday,

-I was in Felinfach, Ceredigion.

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-Theatr Felinfach.

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-I didn't pick on anyone,

-but I got talking to the front row.

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-"Hello, what's your name?"

-and he just went, "Don't!"

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-"Don't!" "What? Dai?" "No, don't!"

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-"OK, shall I carry on?" "Yes."

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-They say that Glasgow's

-a tough comedy gig.

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-You try doing Theatr Felinfach

-on a Saturday night.

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-You write stand-up

-by doing work in progress gigs.

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-In Welsh, "gwaith mewn llaw",

-but no-one says that.

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-I was doing these gigs.

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-There's a scene in England,

-London especially.

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-You turn up

-at work in progress gigs.

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-Part of the fun is seeing comics,

-some of them famous...

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-..reading off

-the backs of envelopes or receipts.

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-There's nothing like that

-in Wales...

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-..especially not in Welsh.

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-Do you know,

-people don't always like it.

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-I've only had this heckle

-in Caernarfon.

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-"He hasn't even learnt

-his own jokes. For shame.

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-"For shame. Shame on you.

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-"I've paid 3 for this, 3!"

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-He didn't walk out, though,

-because he had paid 3.

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-He sat there and hated every minute.

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-I'm very keen

-on boxing slash pugilism.

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-Pugilism is a funny word, as it

-doesn't describe what boxing is.

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-"I've been pugilising all night.

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-"I'm out of breath.

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-"I'm out of puff from pugilising.

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-"Pugilising all day and all night.

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-"That's a pro pugilist's life."

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-Imagine saying to Mike Tyson,

-"You're my favourite pugilist."

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-"You, Mike

-are my favourite pugilist.

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-"No, no, no, no, I'm telling you.

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-"You are my favourite pugilist."

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-The only way I'd improve

-pugilism slash boxing...

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-You know that pre-fight trash talk?

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-"Trafod terfysg,"

-for you Radio Cymru listeners.

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-"Clebran clatsho."

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-Instead of having

-American boxers trash-talking...

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-..I'd have Westwalian hambones.

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-My entertainment as a youth...

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-..was watching farmers squaring up

-outside pubs on Saturday nights.

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-No-one fights

-like Westwalian hambones.

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-They all fight the same way.

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-Chests out.

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-"Go on, hit me then, hit me."

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-"Bwrw fi te'r brych."

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-"Hit me then, you afterbirth."

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-You're a bit of cow afterbirth.

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-The word "afterbirth" has no place

-in the world of fighting!

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-You won't hear it

-at the MGM Grand...

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-..or Madison Square Garden

-or Caesars Palace.

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-Can you imagine Muhammad Ali?

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-"Float like a butterfly,

-bite like an afterbirth."

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-"Bwrw fi te.

-Os ti'n bwrw fi, sbadda i ti."

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-Sbadda i ti - I'll castrate you!

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-He stood on your wife's foot

-in the Golden Lion...

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-..and now you want to castrate him.

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-Chill out, mate!

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-My favourite is,

-"Bwra i fe nes bod e'n tasgu."

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-I'll hit him until he splashes.

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-"Nes bod e'n tasgu."

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-Until you splash, pal.

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-There's a poetic feel

-to the word "splash".

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-Splash, pal. Splash.

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-I read an interesting article

-during the summer.

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-It said that bilingual people...

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-..have two personalities,

-one for each language.

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-I agree with that,

-and this is why.

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-There's no English equivalent...

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-English people

-don't have anything to compare...

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-..with the way normal Welsh people

-talk to old people...

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-..especially relatives.

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-If I visit my grandparents...

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-..or Uncle Jac and Auntie Beryl

-in Cefneithin...

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-I love visiting them, but I change

-the moment I walk into the house.

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-There I am, 36 years old.

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-Jac is 94 and Beryl is 89.

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-Beryl will bring some Welsh cakes

-over and I'll go, "Oh, Beryl!"

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-"Welsh cakes? Someone's been busy!"

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-"Was it you? Someone has been!"

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-Jac will go, "Beryl's been busy."

-Beryl will go, "I've been busy."

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-"Look at these Welsh cakes.

-You've been up all night."

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-"I've never bought Welsh cakes.

-They don't taste the same."

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-"No, they don't taste the same."

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-"They don't taste the same,

-no, no, they don't."

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-"I was up all night."

-"Beryl was up all night." "Was she?"

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-"Hey, I like these plates, I do.

-When did you get these?"

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-"They're wedding plates. We've

-had them half a century." "No!"

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-"Get away! Get away! You don't say."

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-"Yes, half a century.

-They made things to last back then."

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-"Didn't they make things to last?"

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-"These will outlast me and Jac.

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-"You can eat Welsh cakes

-off these plates at my funeral."

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-"How are you then? How are you?"

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-My partner's mother, Val,

-has reached that age.

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-If she was Welsh, that's how

-I'd speak to her, but Val's English.

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-If she came in

-with a Victoria sponge and I went...

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-.."Well, Val, Victoria sponge!"

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-"Somebody's been busy!"

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-"You've been up all night

-making a Victoria sponge!"

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-Val would say,

-"Have you had a breakdown?"

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-Last time, I took my daughter Beti,

-who's two and a half.

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-There I was,

-rolling her trouser legs up.

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-"Look, Jac and Beryl,

-that's what I call two tidy legs.

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-"Two tidy legs.

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-"Oh, she's a strong one.

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-"Oh, she's strong.

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-"Look at her arms.

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-"Potato harvesting arms!

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-"Potato harvesting arms, yes!"

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-"Hasn't the weather turned?

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-"Hasn't the weather turned?

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-"This time last week,

-I was sweating like a breeding sow."

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-What's with the agricultural words?

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-I've never lived on a farm!

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-"It's cold enough

-to freeze a donkey's scrotum."

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-I've never seen a donkey's scrotum.

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-Google.

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-I don't know the optimum temperature

-for a donkey's scrotum.

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-But out come these words.

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-When I leave,

-I hope Jac and Beryl just ask...

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-.."Why does he talk like that?

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-"Does he have an app on his phone

-to talk like that to old folk?"

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-I'm trying to remember

-when I learnt to talk to old people.

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-I must have been young. I remember

-phoning Auntie Peg in Aberystwyth.

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-Mam would go, "Elis,

-do you want a quick word?"

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-"Do you want a quick word

-with Auntie Peg?"

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-"Auntie Peg, how are you?

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-"Listen,

-I'm at nursery school full-time now.

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-"Yes, morning and afternoon.

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-"Yes, morning and afternoon.

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-"No, I've been out of nappies

-for ages now, Auntie Peg.

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-"The odd accident still happens

-but that's how it goes, yes.

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-"No, I'm on the red table with Owain

-Davies, Rhun Lenny and Sian Harries.

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-"There's a lot of chatter

-on the red table.

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-"No, I'm not naughty,

-I'm just talkative.

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-"Five and a half, six in November.

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-"Five and a half, six in November.

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-"Yes, I'll be having a party.

-A pool party, probably.

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-"I don't like swimming, but

-why complain when no-one listens.

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-"Yes, there we are.

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-"That's the way it is and will be.

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-"I'll pass you back to Mam now.

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-"Take care, ta-ra, ta-ra."

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-I live in London now.

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-Longing strikes me in odd ways.

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-Beti's friend, Emily,

-started school recently.

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-I saw her the other day.

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-"How are you, Emily?

-Are you having fun?"

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-"I've started school.

-I'm on the puffin table.

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-"The puffin table is the best one."

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-"Oh, is it? In 1986,

-I was on the red table...

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-"..so piss off,

-you and your puffin table.

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-"Sorry, please don't cry.

-Your father's in the TAs."

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-.

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-Subtitles

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-Longing is linked with pride.

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-I went to the Euros last year,

-the best summer of my life.

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-One of the best things was seeing

-flags bearing place-names...

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-..before very game,

-places from all over Wales.

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-What I liked was...

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-..the size of the flag

-never matched...

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-..the size of the village.

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-Before the England game, there was

-a huge flag behind the goal.

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-Llanboidy on tour, 2016.

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-Capel Dewi boys, France 2016.

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-Bagillt. Where's Bagillt?

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-No-one can tell me where Bagillt is.

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-Judging by the flag,

-Bagillt could be the capital.

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-It's enormous.

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-A huge flag from Bagillt.

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-We're with the Ffostrasol boys.

-Good lads.

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-A big flag, whoa, a big flag.

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-Before the game, I said,

-"Hey, I like your flag."

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-He said, "The eyes of the world

-are finally on us."

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-"The eyes of the world are on us.

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-"This is our chance

-to put Ffostrasol on the map.

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-"At last, we have a chance

-to tell the world...

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-"..that there's more to Ffostrasol

-than the Cnapan folk festival."

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-"The eyes of the world

-can see Ffostrasol.

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-Then his friend piped up.

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-"Our flag's so big,

-and in such a prominent spot...

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-"..I hope someone sees the flag

-and invests in Ffostrasol."

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-Invest in Ffostrasol?!

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-He must have been smoking crack.

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-The idea that Roman Abramovich

-is at home with his feet up...

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-..watching Wales v Russia on TV.

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-"Hmm, I'm looking for

-an exciting new place to invest...

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-"..but where?

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-"This Ffostrasol place

-looks pretty nice.

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-Quick Google.

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-"Hmm, it is near

-the metropolis of Llandysul, OK.

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-"Ah, the local pub

-has a Talwrn Y Beirdd team. Nice.

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-"Aah!

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-"There is an A road to Plwmp."

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-"An A road to Plwmp, OK.

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-"I could trade freely

-with Plwmp. Very nice."

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-Apart from Ffostrasol's flag,

-the biggest was from Greenfield.

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-I had to Google Greenfield

-because I had no idea where it was.

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-It has a fantastic Wikipedia page.

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-"Greenfield near Holywell is most

-notable for its speed camera."

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-The Ffostrasol boys are still

-waiting for their speed camera.

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-"Any day, any day!"

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-Now, I speak Welsh with my daughter.

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-We live in London

-and I speak Welsh with her.

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-She goes to childminder, Carol,

-who's a true native of Peckham.

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-She sounds like someone

-from Only Fools And Horses.

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-I speak Welsh with Beti Mair,

-but Carol speaks English to her.

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-Beti's too young to differentiate.

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-Carol's had to learn some Welsh

-to communicate with her.

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-I turn up to fetch Beti,

-and Carol opens the door.

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-"Oh dear, Daddy, don't talk to me

-about your daughter.

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-"She's been a naughty girl today.

-She won't eat none of her bwyd."

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-"I couldn't understand

-what was wrong with her.

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-"Come on, Beti,

-you love selsig and pasta."

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-"Selsig and pasta's your favourite.

-Why don't you clirio your plat?"

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-"You used to always

-clirio your plat for Carol."

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-"She wanted mas of the high chair,

-so I took her to the park.

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-"It might be my fault

-why she didn't clirio her plat.

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-"We made fairy cakes in the morning

-and she was licking that llwy.

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-"She was licking that llwy

-like nobody's business.

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-"And we went to the park.

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-"If we're going to the park,

-Beti, you've got to dal my llaw."

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-"It's a busy road,

-you need to dal my llaw."

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-"And she wouldn't, Daddy.

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-"You used to live daling my llaw,

-you were always daling my llaw."

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-"Come on!"

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-"Right, Daddy, quick question.

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-"If it's ci for dog

-and cath for cat...

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-"..in Welsh,

-is it still woof and miaw?"

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-"Yes, I still say woof and miaw."

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-"What noise

-are you making for llwynog?"

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-"Llwynog? Oh."

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-"Llwynog is sort of waaaaah."

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-"Oh, I thought

-you might have a good one.

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-"She's funny, your daughter,

-she was having us in fits.

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-"She went to the shelf

-with kiddies books."

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-"Carol? Carol? Show me the money."

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-"Show me the money."

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-I said, "She's not saying show me

-the money, she's saying Sali Mali."

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-"She wants you

-to read Sali Mali to her."

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-"Oh, right, who's this Sali Mali?"

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-"Sali Mali

-is a little orange Welsh woman...

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-"..who lives on her own,

-a proto Bridget Jones figure.

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-"Very late one night,

-there's a knock on Sali Mali's door.

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-"She answers the door,

-ignoring police advice.

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-"There's a jackdaw at the door.

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-"Sali Mali invites it in,

-feeds it and sleeps with it."

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-Children looks after children

-of different ethnic backgrounds.

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-There's a boy called Juroslav

-whose parents are Ukrainian.

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-He speaks some Welsh

-because he talks to Beti.

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-"Elis, I like finger dance song.

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-# Un bys, dau bys,

-tri bys yn dawnsio #

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-Carol joins in.

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-# Pum bys, chwe bys,

-saith bys yn dawnsio

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-# Deg bys yn dawnsio'n llon #

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-"That's one of my favourites.

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-"I like boring boring

-hen blant bach."

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-"It's heno heno,

-not boring boring, Carol."

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-"Oh, right, sorry, sorry."

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-Juroslav is a clever boy.

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-Hopefully, in 20 years,

-he'll invest in Ffostrasol.

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-Fingers crossed.

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-Clearing your plate...

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-"She will not clirio her plat!"

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-Clearing your plate

-is a big part of Welsh culture.

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-If you had a Welsh Tinder...

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-..it would have to be

-some sort of option.

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-Age, 25, seeking fun, maybe more.

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-Clear your plate? Every time. Swipe.

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-Swipe, swipe, oh!

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-Believe it or not, there's a Welsh

-nursery not far from where I live.

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-We take Beti there sometimes.

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-I've noticed something interesting.

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-Children with parents

-from South Wales...

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-..the parents sound like me...

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-..but the children

-sound like Welsh-speaking Cockneys.

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-That's what they are, really.

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-But children

-with parents from North Wales...

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-"Mam, are we going to get a cuppa

-in Oxford Circus now?"

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-How are they doing it?

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-It's the world's most robust accent!

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-"Go to Leicester Square

-and walk to Piccadilly Circus."

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-He lives in Clapham.

-How can he sound like this?

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-It's amazing.

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-If Trump or Putin press the button,

-in 5,000 years...

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-..the only things that'll survive...

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-..are cockroaches

-and the Gwynedd accent.

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-In 5,000 years,

-loads of Gog-sounding cockroaches.

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-"There's not much left

-since that bomb dropped, no.

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-"Remember Mark Hughes

-on C'mon Midffild? Good, eh?

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-"Do you remember Mark Hughes

-on C'mon Midffild?

0:18:450:18:49

-"The real Mark Hughes.

0:18:490:18:51

-"He played for Bryncoch

-when he was with Man U. Good, eh?

0:18:510:18:55

-"Bayern Munich, Barcelona,

-Chelsea, Bryncoch. Good, eh?"

0:18:550:18:59

-Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild

-is the Gogs' moon landing.

0:19:000:19:05

-They're all totally obsessed

-with Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild.

0:19:100:19:15

-Three words, "Siawns am gem?"

-That's all he says!

0:19:150:19:19

-"Any chance of a game, Mr Picton?"

0:19:210:19:23

-"Siawns am gem?" Thousands of Gogs,

-the real Mark Hughes with Bryncoch!

0:19:230:19:28

-They have C'mon Midffild parties.

0:19:280:19:30

-I went to Cardiff University and

-tried to meet fellow Welsh-speakers.

0:19:330:19:37

-"I'm Elis from Carmarthen

-and I study History."

0:19:370:19:40

-"I'm Garmon from Bangor. Remember

-Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild?"

0:19:410:19:45

-"I'm Meirion from Anglesey. Remember

-Mark Hughes on C'mon Midffild?"

0:19:450:19:50

-I had to explain, it's a cameo,

-not a basis for a culture.

0:19:500:19:54

-Mark Hughes didn't ask.

0:19:590:20:01

-He didn't ask

-to be on C'mon Midffild.

0:20:010:20:03

-They asked him and he agreed

-because there was a fee involved.

0:20:040:20:08

-Alex Ferguson, the United manager,

-didn't have to make an awkward call.

0:20:080:20:13

-"Hi, is that S4C? Listen.

0:20:140:20:16

-"It's Alex Ferguson here,

-manager of Manchester United.

0:20:160:20:20

-"My boy Mark won't play...

0:20:210:20:22

-"..unless he gets a wee cameo

-in C'mon Midffild.

0:20:230:20:26

-"No, he won't train.

0:20:260:20:28

-"Can you sort that out?

-That's really great. OK.

0:20:280:20:32

-"Mark, it's done. Three words,

-Siawns am gem. Can you say that?"

0:20:320:20:36

-The other players were jealous.

0:20:370:20:40

-Bryan Robson, the captain.

0:20:400:20:42

-"He's allowed

-to meet Bryn Fon, Tecs.

0:20:420:20:44

-"I'm England captain,

-I've played in two World Cups.

0:20:450:20:48

-"He's allowed to meet Wali

-and Mr Picton."

0:20:480:20:51

-"OK, first team,

-whole squad, all in.

0:20:510:20:55

-"All in. Right, OK, I get it.

0:20:550:20:59

-"I get it.

0:21:000:21:01

-"You play for Manchester United,

-biggest club on the planet.

0:21:020:21:06

-"You think that gives you

-a God-given right...

0:21:060:21:09

-"..to meet Bryn Fon,

-who plays Tecs...

0:21:090:21:11

-"..the wee little Wali guy

-and Mr Picton, that's fine.

0:21:120:21:16

-"But this is Mark's thing, OK?

-We've got Everton Saturday week.

0:21:160:21:21

-"This is Mark's thing,

-it's a Welsh thing, OK?

0:21:210:21:24

-"North Wales. But anyway...

0:21:250:21:27

-"It dinnae travel, that."

0:21:280:21:30

-.

0:21:320:21:32

-Subtitles

0:21:360:21:36

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

0:21:360:21:38

-If I'm back in Wales...

0:21:390:21:41

-..especially in an area

-where Welsh isn't spoken much...

0:21:410:21:45

-..I speak more polished Welsh to

-avoid that tedious, stupid debate.

0:21:450:21:50

-"If Welsh is so great, how come

-there's no word for fibreglass?"

0:21:500:21:56

-What's the English word

-for baguette?

0:21:560:21:59

-Or cafe or restaurant

-or entrepreneur or sushi?

0:21:590:22:03

-I speak more polished Welsh

-to avoid that tedious argument.

0:22:040:22:08

-But the person on the other end

-of the line will catch you out.

0:22:080:22:12

-I was on the phone with Mam.

0:22:130:22:15

-"Yes, the meat is out defrosting.

0:22:150:22:17

-"It's out. I've got it

-in the refrigerator."

0:22:170:22:20

-"In the refrigerator."

0:22:230:22:25

-"Jesus, Mam, fridge."

0:22:260:22:28

-"I know I don't say refrigerator,

-but I'm on the bws slash bus."

0:22:290:22:33

-"Casnewydd."

0:22:350:22:36

-"Casnewydd."

0:22:370:22:38

-"Newport, Mam.

-Jesus, people are looking now.

0:22:390:22:42

-"The meat's in the fridge

-and I'm on the bus in Newport.

0:22:420:22:46

-"I'll be home soon."

0:22:460:22:48

-That was during the tour.

0:22:500:22:51

-After the Felinfach gig,

-I got a tweet.

0:22:510:22:54

-I was mixing up

-the Welsh for fridge and freezer.

0:22:540:22:57

-I got a tweet.

0:22:580:23:00

-"Hello, Elis, just a quick note.

0:23:000:23:04

-"Fridge is oergell,

-rhewgell is freezer.

0:23:110:23:14

-"Don't twat it up on S4C."

0:23:150:23:17

-So, I speak more polished Welsh

-to avoid that argument.

0:23:220:23:25

-I always ask for a Welsh form.

-Someone somewhere is counting.

0:23:250:23:30

-I ask for a Welsh form.

0:23:300:23:32

-You have to translate everything,

-that's accepted now.

0:23:320:23:36

-But the language translators use...

0:23:370:23:39

-..doesn't always reflect

-what people speak on the street.

0:23:400:23:44

-"Dim ysmygu yn y fangre hon."

-No smoking in these premises.

0:23:440:23:49

-Fangre.

0:23:490:23:50

-I've never heard anyone

-use the word fangre in conversation.

0:23:510:23:55

-I've never heard anyone say fangre.

0:23:560:23:58

-If anyone takes the piss

-out of translators, I get defensive.

0:23:580:24:02

-"Actually, I use the word fangre

-all the time.

0:24:020:24:06

-"All I did today was walk

-from one fangre to another.

0:24:060:24:10

-"I'm tired. Is it OK

-to smoke in this fangre? No?

0:24:100:24:14

-"I'd better find

-another fangre then."

0:24:140:24:17

-I always ask for a Welsh form,

-but you know, Welsh forms...

0:24:180:24:23

-I'm self-employed.

0:24:240:24:26

-I was at the HMRC in Llanishen.

0:24:270:24:30

-I went up to the counter.

0:24:300:24:32

-"I need the SA302 please,

-but could I have the Welsh form?"

0:24:320:24:36

-She said, "No problem."

0:24:360:24:38

-I got the Welsh form

-and went to the back.

0:24:390:24:41

-OK.

0:24:420:24:43

-A Welsh form.

0:24:510:24:53

-"Gofynnir i chwi..."

0:24:550:24:56

-Oh, for God's sake.

0:24:570:24:58

-"Hi, me again.

-Have you got the English form?

0:25:010:25:04

-"I like

-filling them both in for a laugh."

0:25:040:25:08

-Isy's learning Welsh,

-and she has a good vocabulary.

0:25:110:25:15

-We're at the point where she has

-to learn about Welsh culture...

0:25:150:25:19

-..not just the language and words.

0:25:190:25:22

-I try to explain

-the social aspects...

0:25:220:25:24

-..of growing up in Carmarthen

-in the mid '90s...

0:25:250:25:28

-..especially trying to meet girls.

0:25:280:25:31

-In 1996, I was 16.

0:25:310:25:33

-In 1997, obviously, I was 17.

0:25:330:25:35

-That's how age works.

0:25:370:25:39

-I was 16 for five years, actually.

0:25:390:25:42

-I was 16, 1996 to 1997,

-trying to meet girls.

0:25:480:25:53

-But it was difficult because I went

-to Ysgol Gyfun Bro Myrddin.

0:25:530:25:57

-Fans in, yeah!

0:25:580:25:59

-Oh, yeah.

0:26:000:26:01

-Good exams.

0:26:020:26:03

-Oh, yes.

0:26:050:26:06

-Anyway, I went

-to Ysgol Gyfun Bro Myrddin.

0:26:070:26:10

-The problem was,

-the girls still remembered...

0:26:100:26:13

-..the embarrassing stuff I did

-when I was back in Years 7 and 8.

0:26:140:26:18

-For example, I once pissed myself

-on the way to Oakwood.

0:26:180:26:22

-Sadly, 16 and 17-year-old girls

-don't forget stuff like that.

0:26:240:26:28

-By the time I got to 16 or 17...

0:26:290:26:32

-..romantically,

-I had become a toxic brand.

0:26:320:26:35

-The girls at school

-were out of the question.

0:26:350:26:38

-What about the girls

-at the English school?

0:26:380:26:42

-They thought I was a hambone,

-even though I lived in town.

0:26:420:26:47

-You can't win.

0:26:470:26:48

-Carmarthen girls

-were out of the question.

0:26:500:26:53

-How about Swansea girls?

0:26:530:26:55

-I was from a small town,

-they were from a big city.

0:26:560:26:59

-They thought I was a hambone too.

0:26:590:27:02

-Dad had the same problem

-in the '60s.

0:27:020:27:04

-"I was from Cross Hands and I'd go

-to the Top Rank in Swansea.

0:27:040:27:08

-"They thought I was a hambone

-because I was from the Gwendraeth.

0:27:080:27:13

-"Even before I spoke a word.

0:27:130:27:16

-"I was like Martin Luther King.

0:27:160:27:19

-"They judged him by the colour of

-his skin and me by where I was from.

0:27:190:27:24

-"No, Dad, it's not the same thing

-and it never was the same thing."

0:27:250:27:29

-Dad had the same problem in Swansea.

0:27:310:27:34

-He tried to offer advice.

0:27:340:27:36

-"Hey, do you want some advice

-about what girls like?" "No, Dad."

0:27:370:27:41

-"Two words - clog dancing."

0:27:410:27:43

-"You'll be the king of the dance."

-"I don't want to be, do I?"

0:27:440:27:48

-So, Carmarthen and Swansea girls

-were out of the question.

0:27:500:27:53

-What about Aberystwyth girls?

-Ysgol Gyfun Penweddig?

0:27:540:27:57

-Unfortunately, too glamorous.

0:27:580:28:00

-Whoa!

0:28:000:28:01

-Where did '90s Penweddig girls

-get that confidence, that swagger?

0:28:030:28:08

-Where did they get that swagger?

0:28:090:28:11

-"Excuse m-me, p-perfect b-being?

0:28:110:28:14

-"Where are you from?"

0:28:170:28:19

-"Aberystwyth."

0:28:210:28:22

-"Don't look at me,

-don't look at me!"

0:28:240:28:27

-Perfect being!

0:28:270:28:29

-Aberystwyth girls

-are out of the question.

0:28:300:28:33

-How about closer to home?

-The Gwendraeth and Llanelli.

0:28:330:28:37

-Unfortunately, rough areas, OK?

0:28:380:28:40

-I can say that because Mam-gu

-lives there and Dad's from there.

0:28:430:28:47

-I can say it. Sadly, rough areas.

0:28:470:28:50

-Maes yr Yrfa girls

-always had hard brothers.

0:28:500:28:53

-Hard brothers.

0:28:530:28:55

-They looked after their sisters

-at Maes yr Yrfa, oh yes.

0:28:550:28:59

-Llanelli is a fairly tough town.

0:28:590:29:02

-But it's hard to feel afraid...

0:29:020:29:05

-..when the Llanelli accent

-is so camp.

0:29:050:29:08

-"If you've got something to say,

-say it in my face."

0:29:110:29:15

-What?

0:29:150:29:16

-"If you've got something to say,

-say it in my face."

0:29:160:29:19

-Are you ill?

0:29:210:29:22

-"Teleri, is he talking to you?

-Is he talking to you?"

0:29:250:29:29

-"Leave him, Iestyn.

0:29:300:29:31

-"He's just a kid who pissed himself

-on the way to Oakwood."

0:29:320:29:35

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, whoa!

0:29:360:29:38

-How do you know?

-"The Bro Myrddin girls said."

0:29:380:29:41

-Oh, great.

-No wonder I'm a toxic brand here.

0:29:410:29:44

-What about the girls of Machynlleth,

-Dolgellau and up?

0:29:450:29:49

-Sadly, too many cultural problems.

0:29:500:29:52

-North Wales girls,

-out of the question.

0:29:530:29:56

-OK, closer to home again.

0:29:560:29:58

-Ysgol Gyfun Preseli in Crymych

-and Ysgol Gyfun Dyffryn Teifi.

0:29:580:30:02

-One word - hambones.

0:30:030:30:05

-Preseli girls, hambones.

0:30:070:30:09

-Dyffryn Teifi girls -

-Through The Looking Glass hambones.

0:30:090:30:13

-Defcon milking.

0:30:140:30:16

-The triple crown. Huge hands,

-manure under their nails, ringworm.

0:30:240:30:28

-Phwoar!

0:30:300:30:31

-But I liked country girls.

0:30:330:30:36

-Why would you want to eat

-gravy and chips with a fork?

0:30:360:30:39

-Why would you want to eat

-gravy and chips with a fork?

0:30:400:30:43

-Country girls don't,

-they just shovel it in.

0:30:430:30:46

-Shovel it in.

0:30:470:30:48

-Gravy dripping off their fingers,

-spraying everywhere.

0:30:490:30:53

-"Can I get you a fork?"

0:30:530:30:54

-"No. Who are you, Prince Charles?

-Eating with a fork.

0:30:550:30:58

-"Marged, Prince Charles is here,

-eating with a fork.

0:31:000:31:04

-"Or he's from the House of Lords."

0:31:060:31:09

-I liked country girls.

0:31:090:31:12

-If you were from somewhere

-like Crymych or Llandysul...

0:31:130:31:17

-..Carmarthen is the big city.

0:31:170:31:21

-If you want to buy something

-that Londis doesn't sell...

0:31:220:31:25

-..you have to come to Carmarthen.

0:31:260:31:29

-I was like Jacob Rees-Mogg compared

-to the boys these girls knew.

0:31:300:31:34

-"Look, Marged -

-he's got a Boots Advantage card!

0:31:360:31:40

-"He smells nice.

0:31:420:31:44

-"He can walk to the Body Shop.

-He's from Carmarthen."

0:31:440:31:48

-Urbane, liberal sophisticate,

-metropolitan, from Carmarthen.

0:31:490:31:54

-I looked too young

-to go out in Carmarthen.

0:31:550:31:59

-I was a late developer.

0:31:590:32:01

-I went to Cymdeithas yr Iaith gigs,

-where they would serve anyone.

0:32:030:32:08

-Thank heavens

-for Cymdeithas yr Iaith gigs.

0:32:090:32:12

-The problem was, those gigs

-aren't your usual nights out.

0:32:120:32:17

-The atmosphere is more political.

0:32:170:32:20

-There you are, 16 years old,

-trying your best to meet girls...

0:32:200:32:24

-..dancing to some reggae band

-from Anglesey.

0:32:250:32:29

-In the 1990s, the world's reggae

-hotspots were Jamaica and Anglesey.

0:32:360:32:40

-How did that happen?

0:32:400:32:41

-That's all there was,

-reggae bands from Anglesey.

0:32:420:32:45

-Anyway, you go up to a girl.

0:32:450:32:48

-"Hello.

0:32:480:32:49

-"D-d-do you want to discuss

-the property act?"

0:32:490:32:54

-"Shit, you do? Oh, OK."

0:32:550:32:57

-"Oh, the property act?

0:32:590:33:01

-"Well, high time, if you ask me."

0:33:020:33:05

-Country girls were a real tonic

-at a Cymdeithas yr Iaith gig.

0:33:060:33:10

-"Do you want to discuss

-the property act?" "No." Great!

0:33:110:33:14

-"I'm like a cow on heat."

0:33:140:33:16

-Buwch yn wasod - a cow on heat.

0:33:160:33:18

-I also went to Maes B.

0:33:200:33:23

-I enjoyed Maes B, actually.

0:33:230:33:25

-But I've never liked the Eisteddfod.

0:33:260:33:28

-Growing up, I thought

-that the Urdd was for swots...

0:33:290:33:32

-..and that the National

-was a bit lame, to be honest.

0:33:320:33:36

-Wow!

0:33:370:33:38

-The atmosphere has turned!

0:33:450:33:47

-My God!

0:33:500:33:51

-I thought I was in the majority...

0:33:530:33:55

-..but I'm in front of 150 fervent

-Cardiffian eisteddfod fanatics.

0:33:550:34:01

-One thing I had noticed...

0:34:030:34:05

-My sisters loved an eisteddfod...

0:34:060:34:11

-..and they're over there.

0:34:110:34:13

-Keen eisteddfod-goers.

0:34:160:34:19

-But I never liked it.

0:34:200:34:21

-Mam and Dad would drag me

-to watch Carys and Nia performing.

0:34:210:34:25

-It has nurtured

-a performing style...

0:34:270:34:32

-..that's unique

-to the eisteddfod stage.

0:34:320:34:37

-You all know what I mean.

0:34:380:34:40

-There's no English equivalent,

-certainly not a Hollywood one.

0:34:400:34:44

-It's perfect to watch on mute.

0:34:500:34:53

-You always know what's going on.

0:34:530:34:55

-The one I could never believe...

0:34:560:34:59

-..was the action song.

0:34:590:35:01

-As a young lad, it went through me.

0:35:010:35:03

-Who asked these children

-to discuss such heavy subjects?

0:35:040:35:10

-The action song had heavy subjects.

0:35:110:35:13

-Carys and Nia finish,

-and a new school comes on.

0:35:150:35:18

-"Marged?" "Yes?" "Are you on the way

-to have an abortion?" "No!"

0:35:180:35:23

-# Because I use birth control,

-birth control

0:35:270:35:31

-# The pill, the pill, condoms

0:35:320:35:34

-# Birth control, birth control

0:35:340:35:36

-# No need for abortions,

-I use birth control #

0:35:370:35:41

-Then, lights down,

-spotlight on a young lad.

0:35:500:35:54

-# Farmer's son

-says goodbye to the land

0:35:570:36:01

-# Now I'm sniffing glue

0:36:010:36:04

-# Now I'm sniffing glue

0:36:060:36:08

-# Goodbye to the land, sniffing glue

0:36:080:36:11

-# Now I'm sniffing glue

0:36:110:36:13

-# Life's in ruins, life's in ruins,

-my life's in ruins, in ruins

0:36:130:36:19

-# Your life's in ruins

0:36:190:36:21

-# Angel, devil, angel, devil #

0:36:210:36:23

-Lights out. Spotlight, same lad,

-his voice has broken.

0:36:240:36:28

-"Oh, Dylan, don't sniff glue

-or your life will be in ruins."

0:36:290:36:35

-"Oh, no, God's voice!"

0:36:360:36:37

-What I couldn't understand...

0:36:430:36:45

-I couldn't get to terms with

-the talent that came through.

0:36:450:36:50

-Rhys Ifans started at eisteddfodau,

-as did Ioan Gruffudd.

0:36:500:36:54

-Did they have to unlearn everything?

0:36:550:36:58

-Forget everything

-they'd been taught...

0:37:000:37:03

-..at eisteddfodau?

0:37:050:37:07

-Ioan Gruffudd's big break

-was Titanic.

0:37:070:37:10

-At the end of the film,

-we've all seen him in the lifeboat.

0:37:100:37:14

-But he was eisteddfod-trained.

0:37:140:37:16

-I've been trying to work out...

0:37:160:37:19

-..how he went from there

-to a major Hollywood film.

0:37:190:37:24

-I think it happened like this.

0:37:240:37:26

-"OK, Titanic, scene 158.

0:37:270:37:30

-"Take one, camera speed.

0:37:310:37:33

-"And action."

0:37:340:37:36

-"Emergency, emergency!

0:37:370:37:39

-"Emergency, come to the lifeboat...

0:37:400:37:44

-"..or you will drown, drown, drown,

-drown, drown, drown, drown, drown."

0:37:440:37:49

-"OK, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

0:37:490:37:51

-"Cut, cut, cut.

0:37:520:37:54

-"Cut.

0:37:550:37:56

-"Everyone else can get a coffee.

0:37:570:38:00

-"Hold the roll. Ioan?

0:38:000:38:03

-"Ioan?

0:38:040:38:06

-"Yes, James, how was it?"

0:38:060:38:08

-"Ioan, um...

0:38:120:38:14

-"We've got high hopes for you, Ioan.

0:38:150:38:18

-"You're talented,

-a good-looking guy.

0:38:180:38:21

-"But the whole, um...

0:38:210:38:23

-"..drown, drown, drown, drown.

0:38:240:38:26

-"Can I ask a question? Did you do

-much eisteddfod while growing up?"

0:38:270:38:31

-"Yes, I was a big eisteddfod-goer."

0:38:310:38:34

-"Right, OK, OK. Are we talking

-cylch, sir, rhagbrofion?

0:38:340:38:40

-"How deep does this go?"

0:38:410:38:45

-"Yes, all of them."

0:38:480:38:51

-"Did you get llwyfan on the maes?"

0:38:510:38:53

-"Yes, I did."

0:38:530:38:54

-"OK, so you got llwyfan on the maes.

0:38:550:38:58

-"Did you go to Glanaethwy?"

-"No, no, no." "OK, OK."

0:39:000:39:03

-"Then we have progress"

0:39:040:39:06

-.

0:39:080:39:08

-Subtitles

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-As I get older,

-I'm turning into my father.

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-But there are still

-some big differences between us.

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-For example,

-Dad is completely obsessed...

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-..with the immersion heater.

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-If I'm a bit cold when I go home,

-I'll say, "Is the heating on?"

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-"Of course it is. It's January."

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-I look at the thermostat

-and it's on 13.

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-"Dad, you could store meat

-by the TV. What's wrong with you?"

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-"If you're cold,

-wear another jumper."

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-Another. A second jumper.

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-"You've gone soft in London.

-Us Welsh don't feel the cold."

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-So, Dad's obsessed

-with the immersion heater.

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-If you want a bath in our house,

-you have to switch the hot water on.

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-We were there over Christmas,

-me, Isy and Beti.

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-Isy wanted a bath

-and Mam said, "Of course, Isy."

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-"Switch the immersion on

-for an hour." An hour.

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-"Half an hour, Nesta, half an hour.

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-"Half an hour

-has always been enough.

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-"You've lived here for 30 years.

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-"Half an hour has always been OK."

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-Isy switched it on for an hour...

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-..then she did something

-I've never seen before.

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-She went to bed

-without having a bath.

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-Yes, whoa!

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-"Merry Christmas, I'm going to bed.

-Beti's up early. Goodnight."

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-Dad was like this.

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-"Going to bed? So soon?

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-"So soon, Isy?"

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-"Yes, I'm a bit tired,

-it's been a long day."

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-"Yes, OK, it's just...

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-"..the immersion's been on

-for 58 minutes and 13 seconds."

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-Dad's got a stopwatch.

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-"I'm going to bed, Eurfyl."

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-"OK, you go to bed, goodnight."

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-"Goodnight."

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-Once Isy's in bed,

-"OK, who wants a bath?"

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-"Nesta?" "It's too late for me."

-"Carys? Nia?" "Too late." "Elis?"

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-"No, I'm going to bed."

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-On the phone, Dewi next door.

-"Hey, Dewi, Eurfyl here.

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-"Listen, do you want a bath?

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-"Not with me, no, just in my house."

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-"You can't offer Dewi a bath.

-He'll think we think he smells."

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-Another one of Dad's things

-happens on Boxing Day.

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-"Isy, would you like to come into

-the garden to see the septic tank?"

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-To see the septic tank!

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-To see the septic tank!

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-"I remember, last year,

-you didn't have time."

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-That was it, poor thing,

-no time to see the septic tank.

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-"Nesta tells me you're here 'til

-Wednesday to that's plenty of time.

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-"In London, you'll have

-the benefits of mains sewage.

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-"But we're a couple of miles

-out of town...

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-"..so all the family waste

-is fed into the septic tank."

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-"Don't open it.

-What's wrong with you?"

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-Us Welsh don't mind

-making fun of ourselves.

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-But we get a bit defensive

-if anyone else does it.

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-Someone once said to me...

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-.."I went

-to Carmarthen leisure centre.

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-"I was actually a bit disappointed

-that there was no wave machine."

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-Fuck you!

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-"I'm sorry my wave machine-less

-swimming pool didn't suffice."

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-"There weren't even any slides."

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-"You don't like my wave machine-less

-swimming pool...

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-"..and I don't like your Queen."

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-Someone else said to me...

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-.."I went to a wedding

-in Newcastle Emlyn."

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-"That's my neck of the woods,

-kind of."

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-"Very, very difficult

-to get a taxi after midnight."

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-Of course it's difficult.

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-Only a thousand people live there!

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-Local people plan ahead!

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-If you'd asked,

-I'd have given you a lift.

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-And if I was busy, Mam or Dad

-would have given you a lift.

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-Dad would have offered you a bath.

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-Unless Dewi next door

-hadn't used all the hot water.

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-"Another lovely bath, Eurfyl."

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-But we don't make things easy

-for ourselves.

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-I'm a big fan of Take Me Out

-on ITV on a Saturday night.

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-A big fan of Take Me Out.

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-If you haven't seen it,

-you have 30 single women...

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-..and one single bloke.

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-The women keep their light on

-if they like the look of him...

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-..and switch it off if they don't.

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-There's an odd noise

-when the light goes out.

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-Now, West Wales

-is over-represented on Take Me Out.

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-I've seen many from Carmarthenshire,

-Ceredigion and north Pembrokeshire.

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-Statistically, that's too many.

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-Too many hambones

-have been on Take Me Out.

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-Every time, they come down

-the love lift to meet the girls.

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-English blokes always come down

-to R&B, dancing sexily.

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-The hambones either come down

-to the national anthem...

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-..or Dafydd Iwan, Yma O Hyd.

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-Down they come, Dafydd Iwan singing.

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-Paddy goes,

-"Single man, reveal yourself."

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-Whoever it is, he'll introduce

-the ITV1 viewers...

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-..to an accent

-they haven't heard before.

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-A Westwalian hambone speaking

-English, maybe for the first time.

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-Paddy McGuinness,

-"Single man, reveal yourself."

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-"Hello, ladies!

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-"Can I just say that you're all

-looking absolutely beautiful?

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-"My name is Elgan and I'm

-a dairy farmer from Ffostrasol."

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-RAPID BEEPS

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-Some girls switch their lights

-back on just to turn them off again.

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-Enter Paddy McGuinness.

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-"Right, Elgan, from Ffostrasol.

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-"You've got 28 lights went off.

-How does that make you feel?

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-"Demoralized, Paddy.

-Very, very demoralizing.

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-"Disappointing. I've been wronged.

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-"But I'm only here

-to put Ffostrasol on the map.

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-"To show there's more to Ffostrasol

-than the Cnapan folk festival."

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-Two girls still had

-their lights on at the end.

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-That's when the man

-can ask the girls a question.

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-There he was, two girls.

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-Maybe he'll get to go

-on a date to Fernando's...

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-..with one of these pretty girls.

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-"OK, Elgan from Ffostrasol,

-two lights left.

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-"For the holiday of a lifetime

-to the Isle of Fernando's...

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-"..what do you want to ask

-the two lovely ladies left?"

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-"Ladies!

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-"Quick question, ladies.

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-"When you are eating

-gravy and chips...

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-"..do you do it a, with a fork

-or b, without a fork?"

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-"With a fork." "Goodbye, ladies."

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-Thanks for your patience.

-My name is Elis James. Goodnight.

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-S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.

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-.

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Y comedïwr o Sir Gâr, Elis James, sy'n edrych trwy 'Lygaid y Byd' ar Gymru yn ei sioe gomedi. Tonight Elis James looks at life in Wales through the 'Eyes of the World' in his stand up show.


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