Phil Cooper Stand Yp

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-OK, which one of you

-is doing the show tonight?

-I'll do it.

-Please welcome the one,

-the only, the unique Phil Cooper.

-Hello!

-Is everyone OK?

-Great, thanks for coming.

-Look at that! Look at it.

-S4C said, "We'll have your name

-on the back, in huge letters."

-I didn't expect them

-to use child labour.

-They've just gone into a school

-and asked, "Who likes colouring?"

-I'll start the show.

-My name's Phil.

-I'm from the Rhondda.

-That's an interesting reaction

-to the Rhondda.

-I like to start a gig

-by splitting the room.

-Is anyone here from the Rhondda?

-There they are, the people who

-are glad to come from the Rhondda.

-The reason I ask is, we speak our

-own version of Welsh in the Rhondda.

-It's unique to the Rhondda.

-Some of the translations

-might be a bit off, right.

-For example, there's a small place

-near where I live...

-..called Troed-y-rhiw.

-I thought that meant sex foot.

-It doesn't, right.

-That was a disappointing weekend.

-That's what you can expect,

-but I've been on tour to prepare.

-I've also been promoting

-the show on radio...

-..on Jamie Owen's radio show.

-Does anyone listen to Jamie Owen?

-No, OK.

-The Rhondda's more popular

-than Jamie Owen.

-I went on Jamie Owen's radio show

-to promote the show.

-The problem is,

-when you go on his show...

-It is successful, it is popular.

-He gets 8,000 listeners,

-sometimes ten.

-Just ten.

-When I went on the show...

-..he doesn't tell you...

-..when the studio chat ends

-and the news starts.

-He starts to read the news.

-I thought that him reading the news

-was just a part of the chat.

-I went in

-and he said, "Alright, Phil?"

-I said, "Yes, I'm fine.

-"Was the traffic bad?"

-"The M4 was pretty bad."

-"A man has been killed after debris

-landed on him during a storm."

-And I went, "Oh my God, is he OK?"

-Live, to 8,000,

-and I still didn't realize.

-He was carrying on.

-"Parking prices are set to rise

-in the city centre."

-I said, "That's terrible,

-but what about the guy who died?"

-He was angry,

-but he was reading the news.

-He got to the weather,

-trying to shut me up.

-"It's going to be

-stormy again tonight."

-I thought it was a warm-up.

-"I'll make sure

-to wear a coat, Jamie Owen."

-By now, he was really angry,

-and the producer gave me a note.

-"You're on air, you prick!"

-I thought

-it was a message for Jamie.

-He was finishing the weather,

-"Another stormy night ahead."

-I said, "You're on air, you prick!"

-Live, to 8,000 people.

-I'm stupid very often.

-I think it's because

-I'm from the Rhondda.

-I don't really feel

-as if I fit in with Wales.

-I always feel like the odd one out.

-I grew up in the Valleys.

-There are expectations of you

-when you grow up in the Valleys.

-I didn't realize until I went

-to a christening some years ago.

-There was a baby at the christening.

-Of course there was a baby there.

-It would be weird if there wasn't.

-"I thought

-you were supposed to bring..."

-I don't trust babies.

-You can't trust them.

-They don't trust us

-and we can't trust them.

-Have you noticed that babies

-sometimes look at you...

-..as if you've just said

-something racist?

-Have you noticed them doing this?

-Don't look at me as if I'm racist.

-Maybe you're racist.

-You haven't grown up yet.

-You haven't proved yourself.

-If you think about it...

-..Hitler was a baby once.

-Hitler used to be passed

-around a room...

-..with everyone going

-"Cootchy, cootchy, coo."

-Not as a baby,

-that was how he started meetings.

-Weird guy.

-I was at this christening.

-This woman, the baby's mother...

-Not a random woman.

-She was trying

-to pass the baby to me.

-It was in her arms

-and she was trying to pass it to me.

-Now, you have to take a baby

-if someone tries to pass it to you.

-You can't go,

-"No, you're OK, thanks."

-"I'm just here for the buffet."

-You have to take it.

-To be honest,

-this baby wasn't great.

-Some babies are cute.

-This one, four out of ten, at best.

-That's no lie.

-She was trying

-to pass the baby to me.

-Everyone kept saying it was cute.

-It was OK, but they'd dressed

-the baby in a suit...

-..like a tiny businessman.

-A baby with a job,

-but it wasn't qualified.

-Not even a BTEC.

-She was trying to pass me

-this baby in a suit.

-It was sweating,

-and had a single dad hair.

-When babies are bald and look old,

-but they're not, they're babies.

-You know when that happens.

-Instead of looking like

-a cute businessman in a suit...

-..it looked more like

-a stressed-out '80s businessman.

-Just a sweaty baby.

-She was trying to pass it to me,

-"Here, do you want him?"

-I had to take it,

-so I took it and held it.

-It was sweating all over my arm.

-Great.

-"How are you going to run a business

-if this is how you act?"

-I was holding this baby.

-All my family were there,

-looking at the baby.

-"He's going to be

-a real Welsh lad when he grows up."

-I began to get jealous of the baby.

-No-one had ever said that to me.

-Grandad was there, and I've

-always tried to prove myself to him.

-He never told me,

-"You're a real Welsh lad."

-Usually, it was, "I can see

-you're trying really hard."

-The odd one out.

-I was jealous of the baby.

-The expectation

-of having to fit in with Wales.

-I've tried to fit in

-with all the expectations.

-Sorry, I feel as if

-I've dropped the baby.

-It feels weird.

-So...

-There are expectations of you

-if you grow up in the Valleys.

-You're expected to sing.

-When I grew up in the Rhondda,

-everybody wanted me to sing.

-The problem is, I really can't sing.

-Actually... no.

-I'd love to, but I really can't.

-And you're looking at me thinking...

-..how can not being able to sing

-be such a problem in your life?

-I'll tell you when it's a problem.

-It's awkward when you go to your

-girlfriend's grandad's house...

-He's dying, he's ill,

-in his final days...

-Your girlfriend leaves the room

-and he holds your hand and says...

-.."Sing for me, boy."

-You have to do it.

-If someone who's dying asks you...

-It's like the baby thing

-all over again.

-You have to do it.

-If someone who's dying asks you

-to do something, you can't go...

-..um, no.

-"Do you want to watch

-The Chase instead?"

-The Beast is on tonight.

-You have to.

-If you're dying, you have the power

-to ask someone to do anything...

-..and they have to do it.

-I can't wait to take advantage

-of that when I'm dying.

-When I'm dying, on my deathbed,

-with my family there, I'll say...

-.."Come closer."

-"Closer."

-I don't know why

-they're so far away.

-I'll tell my son...

-.."When you go home, look under

-the floorboards in the kitchen.

-"There's a box there with

-information for your real parents.

-"Sorry for not telling you before."

-Then I die,

-and my son will go home...

-..look under the floorboards

-in the kitchen...

-..and there'll be no box.

-Just the bodies.

-But the thing is, you have to do it.

-I had to sing to this man.

-So I said,

-"What do you want me to sing?"

-He said, "What do you have?"

-"Do you want some Beyonce?"

-He said, "I don't like the Irish."

-"OK, what do you want?

-"An old Welsh folk song

-would be nice."

-I couldn't remember

-any old Welsh folk song.

-It's really hard to remember

-a folk song on the spot.

-But I had to try.

-I thought I'd try to make one up.

-I could remember one line...

-..bys Meri-Ann.

-Something about her finger,

-and that's all.

-I was going to riff it,

-so I held his hand.

-# Meri-Ann

-has problems with her fingers

-# And the boys

-are all drunk, drunk #

-I was doing my own backing vocals

-to try to add to the atmosphere.

-# Old Dan Tucker has died

-# And you can't trust that cat #

-After I finished, I looked at him.

-He was looking at me.

-"Dear God."

-As if I'd let him down.

-But think of the pressure

-he put me under.

-To provide the background music

-for his final days.

-I've already started to think

-about my last words.

-You need to prepare.

-Your last words

-depend so much on the timing...

-..if you think about it,

-and I've thought about it too much.

-They depend so much on the timing.

-If you get the timing wrong...

-Imagine you're on your deathbed,

-with your family around you.

-You've prepared

-something nice to say...

-..and you want

-to get the timing right.

-"Come closer."

-"Closer."

-"I'm sorry about the box thing."

-"I've lived a life full of love.

-"You can't measure my life

-in years...

-"..but if you measure it

-in happiness, I can't really die."

-Your family will be like,

-"Whoa! That was nice."

-Then the nurse comes in and says,

-"Do you want a yoghurt?"

-Then you say,

-"Have you got any Froobs, please?"

-Suddenly, your last words

-were a request for Froobs.

-"He loved Froobs all his life."

-Imagine the funeral.

-Everyone eating novelty yoghurts

-as the coffin is lowered.

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-I worry too much about the future.

-I'm also, like...

-That's another way

-I haven't fitted in with Wales.

-I can't sing, that's one.

-Another one is, I can't play rugby.

-I had no interest whatsoever

-in playing rugby while growing up.

-I had no interest

-in being like Neil Jenkins...

-..and the other one.

-When I was growing up,

-I wanted to be a wrestler.

-Hence that picture.

-A graph of the future!

-I wanted to be a wrestler,

-a WWF wrestler.

-Just to be clear, WWF now stands for

-World Wildlife Foundation.

-I don't want to wrestle

-endangered animals.

-"OK, panda, think you're endangered?

-Here's a chair to the face!"

-World Wrestling Foundation.

-But no-one would wrestle with me.

-I was alone in the garden trying to

-come up with my wrestling identity.

-I called myself the Night Hawk...

-..because when I was ten...

-..the two scariest things for me...

-..were one, night.

-That's quite scary.

-Two, Dad leaving again.

-But...

-..I thought that Night Divorce

-was a bit abstract.

-..for the wrestling world,

-so I went with Hawk.

-I needed my own finishing move.

-I went for a move called

-Hawk The Herald Angels Sing.

-To confuse people into losing,

-Hawk The Herald Angels Sing.

-"It's July." "Exactly."

-But I was alone in my garden,

-wearing my own outfit.

-A yellow balaclava and gloves,

-and red pants.

-Like someone who'd joined Pride

-and the IRA on the same weekend...

-..all by myself in the garden.

-I then found a wrestling partner,

-Gavin Evans from down the street.

-Gavin Evans

-was one of those rough boys.

-He said random things like,

-"You're not my real dad."

-"I know, Gavin, stop saying that."

-That's the kind of boy he was.

-But he was the only person

-I could wrestle with.

-I went up to him and said...

-.."Gav, do you want to come

-and wrestle in my garden?"

-"Is that fighting?"

-"Yes, a little bit."

-"But it's more artistic than that.

-"For example,

-I'm called the Night Hawk.

-"You have to come up

-with a name of your own."

-"Evs." "Fair enough."

-"And you need

-a big finishing move."

-"What's yours?"

-"Don't worry about that for now."

-"You need a move."

-"I think I'm just

-going to punch you.

-"Just punch you in the face."

-"Fair enough, come over on Sunday."

-So, it's a Sunday morning, 1999,

-I was ten, Night Hawk versus Evs.

-I got my other friend, Dad...

-..to film it.

-Dad agreed to film it.

-I think he was just happy

-that I'd found a friend.

-Dad filmed Night Hawk versus Evs.

-It started with a bell,

-or rather me going ding-ding.

-We started, me trying to kick Evs.

-He was just punching me in the face.

-I tried to grapple with him...

-..and he was just punching me

-for about ten minutes.

-It was really painful.

-But I wanted to finish

-with a big move, with a bang.

-That's what happened on TV.

-I dreamt of a big finish,

-something with a bit of pizzazz.

-I wanted to fall through a table,

-but I didn't have one.

-So, I put one chair there...

-..and another chair here,

-with a plank between them.

-The idea was for Evs to throw me

-off the patio and through the table.

-Big finish.

-Now, wrestling isn't real.

-Sorry if some of you

-are like, what?!

-Gravity is real.

-I found that out, right.

-He threw me off the patio

-through the air.

-I bounced off the table

-into the flowers.

-All you can hear

-on the camera is my dad.

-"Watch out for the begonias."

-I had to go to hospital

-because I'd broken several ribs.

-Me and my dad went to hospital.

-Night Hawk and my dad

-went to hospital.

-We went to hospital

-and saw the doctor.

-The doctor didn't believe that it

-was a wrestling match gone wrong.

-He looked at us both and thought

-that something else had happened.

-He got me alone

-and left Dad in the corridor.

-The doctor said, "Is there anything

-you want to tell me...

-"..that you can't tell your father?"

-"Um...

-"..I'm starting to grow hairs.

-"Some hairs."

-"I didn't mean that.

-"Is there anything

-you're afraid of?"

-"The Night Hawk knows no fear."

-He didn't get any sense out of me.

-He took me back out and left me

-at one end of the corridor.

-I could see him and the nurses

-talking to Dad at the far end.

-All I could see

-was the doctor doing this...

-..and Dad doing this.

-Then he brought out his Handycam...

-..played the match back...

-..and all I could hear was,

-"Watch out for the begonias."

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-Then I grew up a bit

-and lost interest in wrestling.

-I lost interest in it,

-and gained interest in girls.

-It was time to move on...

-..from broken ribs

-to a broken heart, as they say.

-No-one says that.

-Thanks, panto crowd...

-..for your sympathy.

-I got my first girlfriend

-when I was 16.

-I made the weirdest mistake

-that anyone has ever made.

-I sexted the lad that my girlfriend

-was cheating on me with...

-..thinking he was my girlfriend.

-How can that happen? I'll tell you.

-I was 16

-and she was my first girlfriend.

-Her name was Heulwen.

-I know that translates

-as Cheaty McBlackheart.

-I'm fine, I'm over it now.

-Definitely over it.

-I really thought

-it'd be something nice.

-She was my first girlfriend...

-..and we had really similar

-mobile phones.

-Does anyone remember the Nokia 3310?

-We both had one of those.

-You could get up to eight texts

-and watch a snake eating itself.

-What happened was this.

-Heulwen and I

-were going to this party.

-On the way there, she was cold

-and I gave my jacket to Heulwen.

-FYI, I'd chosen a suede jacket...

-..because I thought

-that's what girls liked.

-Sixties cop.

-That was the look,

-and you're thinking...

-..no wonder she cheated on you,

-you looked like a nutter.

-Anyway, she was cold,

-so I gave her my jacket.

-It's not funny, but it's important.

-It's like a bit from CSI Miami...

-..when the cameras crash zoom.

-Your gran goes,

-"I bet she did it."

-"I know she did, Nan,

-she's covered in blood."

-This is like that bit.

-Heulwen put her mobile phone

-in my jacket pocket.

-That's important.

-Not funny,

-but important to the story.

-Off we went, to my first party.

-I've never drank before,

-I want to impress the older lads.

-My first house party, sampling

-the atmosphere, and really nervous.

-One of the older boys

-produced a bottle of whisky.

-He said,

-"Phil, how much whisky do you want?"

-I didn't know how to answer that.

-I just guessed and said, "A pint."

-Now, I knew that was wrong

-because everyone began to clap.

-Clapping is a good thing at a gig.

-But when you've asked for a drink,

-something has really gone wrong.

-For a bit, I was the cool boy

-with a pint of whisky at the party.

-All the boys were, "Whoa, you're so

-cool, you've got a pint of whisky."

-But as I drank it, whoa...

-Strong whisky!

-I was cool for five minutes,

-with the older boys.

-"He's the pint of whisky guy."

-Then, one boy started to shout,

-"Down it, down it, down it."

-I had to do it, like the baby thing.

-If people shout "Down it!",

-you have to do it.

-So, I started.

-After a quarter of a pint,

-I thought...

-.."I'm going to be sick."

-Halfway through,

-I knew I was going to be sick...

-..because I was sick...

-..back into the pint glass.

-That's how everyone

-at the party reacted.

-"Down it, ugh, you need to leave."

-"You need to go."

-I was cool for five minutes.

-Like Icarus,

-flying too close to the sun.

-Sickarus!

-I had to leave the party.

-I had to go home,

-there was no way I could stay.

-As I was walking home,

-the mobile phone rang in my pocket.

-I opened the phone,

-thinking it was my phone.

-I read the first text.

-It said, "Hey, babe, where are you?

-I want to touch you."

-Now...

-..this was a text from another boy

-to my girlfriend, Heulwen.

-But because I was drunk

-and a bit of an idiot...

-..I thought it was a text

-from Heulwen to me.

-I should have been heartbroken,

-but instead, I was just horny.

-I was just,

-ooh, she wants to touch me. Great!

-It must be that pint I downed!

-But we were

-each other's first love.

-We shared experiences,

-we lost our virginity together.

-I hope.

-When I read the text,

-I thought it was Heulwen.

-I texted back.

-"Oh, yeah, babe?

-Where do you want to touch me?"

-I added "mmm", and the right amount

-of Ms is crucial...

-..in a sext.

-Too many Ms and it looks

-as if you're too keen.

-"Where do you want to touch me

-mmmmmmmmm?" That's too many.

-Not enough, and it looks

-as if you're not interested.

-"Where do you want to touch me m?"

-I don't care, just touch me

-if you want, so I stick to three.

-Then I got a text back.

-"Don't worry, babe, this time

-I'll touch you where it feels good."

-Now...

-..that's interesting.

-What that means is...

-..she cheated on me before...

-..but that time, he touched her

-somewhere it didn't feel good.

-But he's practised touching things.

-"Since last time,

-I've been touching things.

-"I've got a touch lamp in the house,

-I'm not allowed near the cat.

-"I've read a full Cosmopolitan,

-I know all about women.

-"I'm not going near

-your armpit again."

-I think, great, I'm getting

-touched where it feels good.

-So, I texted back.

-"Do you want to come round my house?

-My parents aren't in."

-My parents weren't in.

-But Heulwen's parents were in.

-You should know this.

-Her father's nickname

-was Angry Mike.

-For all the right reasons.

-He was an ex-miner, you know.

-By that, I mean

-he used to work in the mines...

-..not he used to be a child.

-He was the kind of man who'd punch

-a microwave to get his food faster.

-He was a really angry man.

-This lad turned up at Heulwen's

-house at three in the morning.

-Angry Mike answered the door

-and said...

-.."Anything you do to her,

-I'll do to you"...

-..then headbutted him in the face.

-I know that happened

-because of the next text I got.

-"WTF. Why do you want to kill me?

-"Your dad answered the door

-in his pants.

-"I can't see out of my left eye."

-At first, I still hadn't

-figured out what had happened.

-I first read it and thought, Dad?

-I know you and Heulwen

-didn't get on, but this is too far!

-Literally, how did you do it

-when you're in Spain?

-Did you fly back

-just to headbutt her?

-But that's not the saddest thing

-I've seen in Wales.

-This is the saddest thing, for me.

-Do you know the EU?

-If you don't,

-the EU is like a schoolyard bully.

-But instead of stealing

-your lunch money...

-..it forces you to adhere

-to the Human Rights Act.

-They gave money for Pontypridd

-to have a heated outdoor pool.

-It's the best thing

-to happen to Ponty for a long time.

-It's a great family attraction.

-I was excited to see it.

-They built it and it's great.

-But the people of Pontypridd

-voted to leave the EU.

-Why did they do that?

-They gave you

-a heated outdoor swimming pool.

-What were they thinking?

-It's like they've gone, "No,

-it's too much, we're not France."

-But they need it because not much

-goes on in Pontypridd.

-This is the high street for you.

-Two Shoe Zones.

-That's too many, isn't it?

-Why would you need two?

-Or maybe one sells

-right-footed shoes...

-..and the other one

-goes out of business.

-But there are local businesses.

-There's a small cafe

-called A Brunch In The Face.

-I think that's too aggressive a way

-to sell a late breakfast.

-It's too much.

-If you're ever in Ponty,

-go in there.

-This is what you get

-at A Brunch In The Face.

-Cheese on toast, egg on toast,

-beans on toast and then just toast.

-Which means that the owner

-must have looked around...

-..run out of stuff...

-..and then gone...

-.."Well, toast by itself

-is a meal, isn't it?"

-But it's not, right.

-I went in once and asked

-for cheese and beans on toast...

-..because I'm a maverick.

-The waitress

-looked at me and said...

-.."Oh, I'll see what we can do."

-Do you know what?

-I didn't get it.

-Do you know what I did get?

-Egg.

-Just an egg by itself.

-How do you get from cheese and beans

-on toast to an egg by itself?

-What was the conversation

-in the kitchen?

-"We've got a smart-arse

-on table three, have we, Sandra?"

-"Give him the egg."

-"No, no, no, you give him the egg."

-Another local business

-I passed a week or two ago...

-..is a divorce lawyer.

-In the divorce lawyer's window...

-..he also advertises

-his own papier mache art.

-What's he trying to say?

-To me, it says that you can't

-trust him with either task.

-Imagine going in.

-"Things aren't working out

-with my wife.

-"Why are you making my prenup

-into a tiny cat?

-"The eyes are nice,

-they look like a kitten's eyes.

-"But the smile says she's leaving

-and she's not coming back."

-How can that possibly succeed?

-So, it was great when we got

-the outdoor heated swimming pool.

-It's created jobs in Ponty.

-Well, a job.

-A lifeguard.

-I say lifeguard.

-He has to remind people

-that a pool is different to a bath.

-"Put your trunks back on, Bryn,

-there's children around."

-What will it look like when

-the EU money isn't there any more...

-..and we can't heat the pool.

-It'll just be a sad pond.

-People will go down

-to a really sad lake...

-..and instead of skimming stones,

-just toss in their hopes and dreams.

-Doob-doob-doob-doob.

-I'll never own property.

-Doob-doob-doob-doob.

-A Brunch In The Face

-was a silly idea for a cafe.

-Doob-doob-doob-doob.

-One or the other,

-papier mache or divorce lawyer.

-What'll it look like in the future

-when there's no water in it?

-A hole, with trolleys,

-graffiti and Bryn.

-School trips will come there,

-like they go to Big Pit.

-They'll turn up

-and look at what could have been.

-Bryn will be there in his pants

-offering guided tours.

-"This is where I live now.

-"In these bushes here.

-"This is the pool...

-"..and this is my assistant."

-And the teacher says, "That's

-a trolley, kids, get out of here."

-I'm worried about the future

-for Welsh children, I really am.

-Before I did this job...

-..I used to work in a school

-with autistic children.

-One boy I worked with

-was nine years old.

-His name was Keith.

-My problem is...

-..you can't be nine years old

-if you're called Keith.

-If I hadn't started by saying

-I used to work with children...

-If I'd said I used to work

-with someone called Keith...

-..you'd all have gone,

-"Oh, you were a plumber, were you?"

-Driving a van, leering at women,

-listening to Jeremy Vine.

-I did do that.

-That's why I'm not there any more.

-Keith was one of these children

-who are old before their time.

-Physically, he was nine,

-but mentally, he was 52.

-You know those children.

-All the other children

-arrived like this.

-"Yes, come on,

-bring on the day, I'm excited."

-Keith came in,

-hair slicked back, coffee...

-..as if he's waiting

-for his PPI to come through.

-"Any day now."

-I'm not texting them,

-they texted me and now nothing.

-Sentences hang...

-..on whether you use

-the name Keith.

-"Keith, can you have that report

-on my desk by Monday?"

-That's fine, isn't it?

-This sentence doesn't work.

-"Keith, do you know

-when you colour in that duck?"

-"Can you keep within the lines

-because it's a mess?"

-"Look, mate, I've got a wife,

-two kids and a mortgage at home."

-I had awkward silences

-with this boy.

-You know, those awkward silences

-you get if you work with someone...

-..that you don't know

-but are trying to get to know...

-..but the chat gets so awkward?

-You go in early

-and it's just you and them.

-Chats like this happen.

-"OK?"

-"Yes, fine, thanks."

-"It's warm."

-"It's warm, isn't it?"

-"Yes, it is a bit warm."

-"It's still boiling."

-# The kettle's boiling #

-No, I can't sing.

-"But not as warm as yesterday."

-"No, it's not."

-I've probably recreated awkward

-silences better during this gig!

-I had another awkward silence

-in a gents toilet...

-..when I phoned a friend to see

-if he wanted something to eat.

-There were two men

-using the urinal at the time.

-As I walked in, I said...

-.."Do you want to get

-some fish and chips?"

-One of the men went...

-.."No, you're alright."

-"No, I'm not talking to you."

-And the other man went...

-.."Yeah, go on then."

-I've been seeing him for four months

-and I don't know how to end it.

-One day, on the schoolyard,

-Keith was doing a plane impression.

-You've all seen a plane,

-I just like doing that.

-I thought it was such a good chance

-to get to know this boy.

-It's a topic

-that I can talk to him about.

-"Keith, when you grow up,

-do you want to be a fighter pilot...

-"..or an airline pilot

-and see the world?"

-He said to me...

-..with his nine-year-old face...

-.."No, mate, this shit's

-just for the playground."

-"I think I'd like to work in IT."

-.

-Subtitles

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

-I don't know if you know,

-but a year or two ago...

-..NATO had a meeting in Newport.

-Do you remember?

-I don't know

-why they picked Newport.

-"We need to test out the stuff

-and that's the best place."

-NATO came to Newport.

-I didn't realize...

-I'm really stupid

-and I don't realize things.

-I had a gig in Taunton and parked

-in Newport on the way back.

-Taunton

-is two and a half hours away...

-..which meant that I needed

-my driving trousers.

-Are you familiar

-with driving trousers?

-They're like normal trousers...

-..but you wear them

-when you drive for over two hours.

-Out and about trousers...

-..then driving trousers.

-The problem is, when you change

-from normal to driving trousers...

-..there's a point in the process

-when you don't wear trousers at all.

-I call it sexy legs limbo.

-Just so that I feel less alone.

-If you're caught

-in a car with no trousers...

-..it looks like you've gone dogging

-and no-one else has turned up.

-"I'm sure they'll come soon.

-I mean, I have."

-"They said they were interested

-on Facebook."

-I was driving back and I parked

-in a car park in Newport.

-I parked ten feet from a tank,

-without noticing it.

-I took my driving trousers off,

-and I was in sexy legs limbo.

-There was a knock on the car window.

-I looked up

-and saw a man with a machine gun.

-"I'm a Navy SEAL."

-At first, I thought...

-.."Bloody hell, Newport City Council

-have upped their game."

-"Usually, it's a fine."

-What kind of a way is that

-to reveal your job?

-Just shouting out,

-"I'm a Navy SEAL."

-Imagine if you had another job

-and just shouted it out.

-If you worked at Pets At Home.

-"I work in Pets At Home."

-"Take two months off, Karen,

-you do this every day."

-Or maybe he lacks confidence.

-Do you remember

-when supply teachers came?

-"I'll be your teacher

-for the next two weeks."

-"No, Mrs Jones,

-I saw you crying in your car."

-"I want to watch

-Jurassic Park again, please."

-"I'm a Navy SEAL."

-Then he said...

-.."Why aren't you

-wearing any pants?"

-I was wearing pants...

-..but I wasn't wearing "pants".

-There's a difference.

-I had nice pants,

-a Christmas present from my aunt.

-Dunlop, good elastic.

-I was trying to tell him...

-.."I am wearing pants."

-"We call them trousers here.

-"These are off my auntie,

-for Christmas, elastic, Dunlop.

-"They're very nice."

-Then he cocked his machine gun.

-"Why aren't you

-wearing any trousers?"

-I really did think I might die.

-He had his gun in my face.

-"Why aren't you

-wearing any trousers?"

-I thought,

-there's a bigger problem here.

-I didn't have trousers,

-but he had a machine gun.

-One's worse than the other.

-If you end your day

-with no trousers on...

-..you've more or less

-had a nice day.

-But if you end the day

-with a machine gun...

-..what's happened there?

-That's a really bigger problem.

-It's like going to your nephew's

-birthday with blood on your face...

-..and going,

-"Where's the cake then?"

-So, I told him...

-.."Why do you have a machine gun?"

-"Because of NATO. Why aren't you

-wearing any trousers?"

-"Because of NATO?"

-They could have been my last words.

-"Because of NATO."

-My last words on this earth.

-When NATO was in Newport...

-..Barack Obama came.

-He took the time

-to visit a local school.

-A primary school.

-That led to one of the funniest

-Facebook statuses ever posted.

-One father who had a boy

-at the school posted this.

-"Today, my eight-year-old son

-met the President of the USA.

-"Whatever will he do next?"

-I really wanted to comment...

-.."Probably colouring."

-He's eight years old

-and he's peaked.

-This will be the best thing

-that happens in his life.

-Meeting Barack Obama.

-Nothing else will beat that.

-Imagine the next day at school.

-"Today, I coloured in an octopus."

-"Yesterday, I met Barack Obama."

-But it'll be with him forever.

-On his wedding day, he and his

-partner will say their vows.

-Committing to each other

-for the rest of their lives.

-He'll bring out a photo

-of him with Barack Obama.

-"It's just not enough."

-That's the difference between

-American and Welsh children.

-American children want to grow up...

-..and be the president

-or an astronaut or a cowboy.

-Welsh children want to grow up...

-..and meet the president

-or meet a cowboy.

-My dream was to grow up

-and meet an ambulance driver.

-I made it come true.

-I do miss my grandmother...

-..but you just have to make

-your dreams come true.

-I feel as if I haven't

-connected well with Wales.

-I feel as if I've failed

-to do that all my life.

-Then I realized something.

-When I went

-to my grandad's funeral...

-My grandad's dead, sorry, spoiler.

-I felt as if I'd let him down.

-That I hadn't proved myself.

-That I hadn't connected

-with him or with Wales.

-But something interesting

-happened at his funeral.

-We were all getting ready

-to stand and sing Amazing Grace.

-I wasn't going to sing, obviously.

-I really can't sing.

-# Amazing #

-Please be quiet, Phil.

-We were singing Amazing Grace,

-my grandad's favourite song.

-We stood up and the piano started.

-I wanted to look across

-at the woman...

-..to thank her

-for playing the song.

-But I noticed that she wasn't

-really playing the keyboard.

-She'd pressed the demo button...

-..and was pretending

-to play Amazing Grace.

-Then she saw me

-and my brother staring.

-She accidentally pressed

-the Samba Beats 52 button.

-My grandad's final song

-was Samba Beats 52.

-# Amazing #

-DRUMBEAT RHYTHM

-She was trying to switch it off,

-and our tears turned to laughter.

-Then I realized, although

-I can't play rugby or sing...

-..and that Wales let me down

-in the way they voted...

-..the one thing....

-..the one thing we all share

-is our sense of humour.

-That's what united us that night.

-It was nice to realize that,

-and it made me feel much better.

-That's the end of the show. Thanks.

-S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.

-.