Phil Cooper Stand Yp


Phil Cooper

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Transcript


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-OK, which one of you

-is doing the show tonight?

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-I'll do it.

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-Please welcome the one,

-the only, the unique Phil Cooper.

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-Hello!

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-Is everyone OK?

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-Great, thanks for coming.

-Look at that! Look at it.

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-S4C said, "We'll have your name

-on the back, in huge letters."

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-I didn't expect them

-to use child labour.

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-They've just gone into a school

-and asked, "Who likes colouring?"

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-I'll start the show.

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-My name's Phil.

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-I'm from the Rhondda.

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-That's an interesting reaction

-to the Rhondda.

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-I like to start a gig

-by splitting the room.

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-Is anyone here from the Rhondda?

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-There they are, the people who

-are glad to come from the Rhondda.

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-The reason I ask is, we speak our

-own version of Welsh in the Rhondda.

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-It's unique to the Rhondda.

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-Some of the translations

-might be a bit off, right.

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-For example, there's a small place

-near where I live...

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-..called Troed-y-rhiw.

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-I thought that meant sex foot.

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-It doesn't, right.

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-That was a disappointing weekend.

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-That's what you can expect,

-but I've been on tour to prepare.

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-I've also been promoting

-the show on radio...

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-..on Jamie Owen's radio show.

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-Does anyone listen to Jamie Owen?

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-No, OK.

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-The Rhondda's more popular

-than Jamie Owen.

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-I went on Jamie Owen's radio show

-to promote the show.

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-The problem is,

-when you go on his show...

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-It is successful, it is popular.

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-He gets 8,000 listeners,

-sometimes ten.

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-Just ten.

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-When I went on the show...

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-..he doesn't tell you...

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-..when the studio chat ends

-and the news starts.

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-He starts to read the news.

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-I thought that him reading the news

-was just a part of the chat.

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-I went in

-and he said, "Alright, Phil?"

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-I said, "Yes, I'm fine.

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-"Was the traffic bad?"

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-"The M4 was pretty bad."

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-"A man has been killed after debris

-landed on him during a storm."

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-And I went, "Oh my God, is he OK?"

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-Live, to 8,000,

-and I still didn't realize.

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-He was carrying on.

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-"Parking prices are set to rise

-in the city centre."

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-I said, "That's terrible,

-but what about the guy who died?"

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-He was angry,

-but he was reading the news.

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-He got to the weather,

-trying to shut me up.

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-"It's going to be

-stormy again tonight."

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-I thought it was a warm-up.

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-"I'll make sure

-to wear a coat, Jamie Owen."

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-By now, he was really angry,

-and the producer gave me a note.

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-"You're on air, you prick!"

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-I thought

-it was a message for Jamie.

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-He was finishing the weather,

-"Another stormy night ahead."

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-I said, "You're on air, you prick!"

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-Live, to 8,000 people.

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-I'm stupid very often.

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-I think it's because

-I'm from the Rhondda.

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-I don't really feel

-as if I fit in with Wales.

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-I always feel like the odd one out.

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-I grew up in the Valleys.

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-There are expectations of you

-when you grow up in the Valleys.

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-I didn't realize until I went

-to a christening some years ago.

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-There was a baby at the christening.

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-Of course there was a baby there.

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-It would be weird if there wasn't.

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-"I thought

-you were supposed to bring..."

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-I don't trust babies.

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-You can't trust them.

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-They don't trust us

-and we can't trust them.

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-Have you noticed that babies

-sometimes look at you...

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-..as if you've just said

-something racist?

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-Have you noticed them doing this?

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-Don't look at me as if I'm racist.

-Maybe you're racist.

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-You haven't grown up yet.

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-You haven't proved yourself.

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-If you think about it...

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-..Hitler was a baby once.

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-Hitler used to be passed

-around a room...

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-..with everyone going

-"Cootchy, cootchy, coo."

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-Not as a baby,

-that was how he started meetings.

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-Weird guy.

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-I was at this christening.

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-This woman, the baby's mother...

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-Not a random woman.

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-She was trying

-to pass the baby to me.

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-It was in her arms

-and she was trying to pass it to me.

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-Now, you have to take a baby

-if someone tries to pass it to you.

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-You can't go,

-"No, you're OK, thanks."

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-"I'm just here for the buffet."

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-You have to take it.

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-To be honest,

-this baby wasn't great.

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-Some babies are cute.

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-This one, four out of ten, at best.

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-That's no lie.

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-She was trying

-to pass the baby to me.

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-Everyone kept saying it was cute.

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-It was OK, but they'd dressed

-the baby in a suit...

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-..like a tiny businessman.

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-A baby with a job,

-but it wasn't qualified.

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-Not even a BTEC.

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-She was trying to pass me

-this baby in a suit.

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-It was sweating,

-and had a single dad hair.

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-When babies are bald and look old,

-but they're not, they're babies.

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-You know when that happens.

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-Instead of looking like

-a cute businessman in a suit...

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-..it looked more like

-a stressed-out '80s businessman.

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-Just a sweaty baby.

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-She was trying to pass it to me,

-"Here, do you want him?"

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-I had to take it,

-so I took it and held it.

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-It was sweating all over my arm.

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-Great.

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-"How are you going to run a business

-if this is how you act?"

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-I was holding this baby.

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-All my family were there,

-looking at the baby.

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-"He's going to be

-a real Welsh lad when he grows up."

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-I began to get jealous of the baby.

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-No-one had ever said that to me.

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-Grandad was there, and I've

-always tried to prove myself to him.

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-He never told me,

-"You're a real Welsh lad."

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-Usually, it was, "I can see

-you're trying really hard."

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-The odd one out.

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-I was jealous of the baby.

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-The expectation

-of having to fit in with Wales.

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-I've tried to fit in

-with all the expectations.

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-Sorry, I feel as if

-I've dropped the baby.

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-It feels weird.

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-So...

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-There are expectations of you

-if you grow up in the Valleys.

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-You're expected to sing.

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-When I grew up in the Rhondda,

-everybody wanted me to sing.

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-The problem is, I really can't sing.

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-Actually... no.

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-I'd love to, but I really can't.

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-And you're looking at me thinking...

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-..how can not being able to sing

-be such a problem in your life?

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-I'll tell you when it's a problem.

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-It's awkward when you go to your

-girlfriend's grandad's house...

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-He's dying, he's ill,

-in his final days...

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-Your girlfriend leaves the room

-and he holds your hand and says...

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-.."Sing for me, boy."

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-You have to do it.

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-If someone who's dying asks you...

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-It's like the baby thing

-all over again.

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-You have to do it.

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-If someone who's dying asks you

-to do something, you can't go...

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-..um, no.

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-"Do you want to watch

-The Chase instead?"

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-The Beast is on tonight.

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-You have to.

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-If you're dying, you have the power

-to ask someone to do anything...

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-..and they have to do it.

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-I can't wait to take advantage

-of that when I'm dying.

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-When I'm dying, on my deathbed,

-with my family there, I'll say...

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-.."Come closer."

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-"Closer."

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-I don't know why

-they're so far away.

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-I'll tell my son...

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-.."When you go home, look under

-the floorboards in the kitchen.

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-"There's a box there with

-information for your real parents.

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-"Sorry for not telling you before."

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-Then I die,

-and my son will go home...

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-..look under the floorboards

-in the kitchen...

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-..and there'll be no box.

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-Just the bodies.

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-But the thing is, you have to do it.

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-I had to sing to this man.

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-So I said,

-"What do you want me to sing?"

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-He said, "What do you have?"

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-"Do you want some Beyonce?"

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-He said, "I don't like the Irish."

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-"OK, what do you want?

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-"An old Welsh folk song

-would be nice."

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-I couldn't remember

-any old Welsh folk song.

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-It's really hard to remember

-a folk song on the spot.

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-But I had to try.

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-I thought I'd try to make one up.

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-I could remember one line...

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-..bys Meri-Ann.

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-Something about her finger,

-and that's all.

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-I was going to riff it,

-so I held his hand.

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-# Meri-Ann

-has problems with her fingers

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-# And the boys

-are all drunk, drunk #

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-I was doing my own backing vocals

-to try to add to the atmosphere.

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-# Old Dan Tucker has died

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-# And you can't trust that cat #

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-After I finished, I looked at him.

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-He was looking at me.

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-"Dear God."

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-As if I'd let him down.

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-But think of the pressure

-he put me under.

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-To provide the background music

-for his final days.

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-I've already started to think

-about my last words.

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-You need to prepare.

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-Your last words

-depend so much on the timing...

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-..if you think about it,

-and I've thought about it too much.

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-They depend so much on the timing.

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-If you get the timing wrong...

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-Imagine you're on your deathbed,

-with your family around you.

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-You've prepared

-something nice to say...

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-..and you want

-to get the timing right.

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-"Come closer."

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-"Closer."

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-"I'm sorry about the box thing."

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-"I've lived a life full of love.

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-"You can't measure my life

-in years...

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-"..but if you measure it

-in happiness, I can't really die."

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-Your family will be like,

-"Whoa! That was nice."

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-Then the nurse comes in and says,

-"Do you want a yoghurt?"

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-Then you say,

-"Have you got any Froobs, please?"

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-Suddenly, your last words

-were a request for Froobs.

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-"He loved Froobs all his life."

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-Imagine the funeral.

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-Everyone eating novelty yoghurts

-as the coffin is lowered.

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-.

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-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

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-I worry too much about the future.

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-I'm also, like...

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-That's another way

-I haven't fitted in with Wales.

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-I can't sing, that's one.

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-Another one is, I can't play rugby.

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-I had no interest whatsoever

-in playing rugby while growing up.

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-I had no interest

-in being like Neil Jenkins...

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-..and the other one.

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-When I was growing up,

-I wanted to be a wrestler.

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-Hence that picture.

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-A graph of the future!

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-I wanted to be a wrestler,

-a WWF wrestler.

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-Just to be clear, WWF now stands for

-World Wildlife Foundation.

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-I don't want to wrestle

-endangered animals.

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-"OK, panda, think you're endangered?

-Here's a chair to the face!"

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-World Wrestling Foundation.

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-But no-one would wrestle with me.

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-I was alone in the garden trying to

-come up with my wrestling identity.

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-I called myself the Night Hawk...

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-..because when I was ten...

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-..the two scariest things for me...

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-..were one, night.

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-That's quite scary.

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-Two, Dad leaving again.

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-But...

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-..I thought that Night Divorce

-was a bit abstract.

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-..for the wrestling world,

-so I went with Hawk.

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-I needed my own finishing move.

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-I went for a move called

-Hawk The Herald Angels Sing.

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-To confuse people into losing,

-Hawk The Herald Angels Sing.

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-"It's July." "Exactly."

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-But I was alone in my garden,

-wearing my own outfit.

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-A yellow balaclava and gloves,

-and red pants.

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-Like someone who'd joined Pride

-and the IRA on the same weekend...

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-..all by myself in the garden.

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-I then found a wrestling partner,

-Gavin Evans from down the street.

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-Gavin Evans

-was one of those rough boys.

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-He said random things like,

-"You're not my real dad."

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-"I know, Gavin, stop saying that."

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-That's the kind of boy he was.

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-But he was the only person

-I could wrestle with.

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-I went up to him and said...

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-.."Gav, do you want to come

-and wrestle in my garden?"

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-"Is that fighting?"

-"Yes, a little bit."

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-"But it's more artistic than that.

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-"For example,

-I'm called the Night Hawk.

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-"You have to come up

-with a name of your own."

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-"Evs." "Fair enough."

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-"And you need

-a big finishing move."

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-"What's yours?"

-"Don't worry about that for now."

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-"You need a move."

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-"I think I'm just

-going to punch you.

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-"Just punch you in the face."

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-"Fair enough, come over on Sunday."

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-So, it's a Sunday morning, 1999,

-I was ten, Night Hawk versus Evs.

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-I got my other friend, Dad...

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-..to film it.

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-Dad agreed to film it.

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-I think he was just happy

-that I'd found a friend.

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-Dad filmed Night Hawk versus Evs.

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-It started with a bell,

-or rather me going ding-ding.

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-We started, me trying to kick Evs.

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-He was just punching me in the face.

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-I tried to grapple with him...

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-..and he was just punching me

-for about ten minutes.

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-It was really painful.

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-But I wanted to finish

-with a big move, with a bang.

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-That's what happened on TV.

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-I dreamt of a big finish,

-something with a bit of pizzazz.

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-I wanted to fall through a table,

-but I didn't have one.

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-So, I put one chair there...

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-..and another chair here,

-with a plank between them.

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-The idea was for Evs to throw me

-off the patio and through the table.

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-Big finish.

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-Now, wrestling isn't real.

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-Sorry if some of you

-are like, what?!

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-Gravity is real.

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-I found that out, right.

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-He threw me off the patio

-through the air.

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-I bounced off the table

-into the flowers.

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-All you can hear

-on the camera is my dad.

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-"Watch out for the begonias."

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-I had to go to hospital

-because I'd broken several ribs.

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-Me and my dad went to hospital.

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-Night Hawk and my dad

-went to hospital.

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-We went to hospital

-and saw the doctor.

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-The doctor didn't believe that it

-was a wrestling match gone wrong.

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-He looked at us both and thought

-that something else had happened.

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-He got me alone

-and left Dad in the corridor.

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-The doctor said, "Is there anything

-you want to tell me...

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-"..that you can't tell your father?"

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-"Um...

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-"..I'm starting to grow hairs.

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-"Some hairs."

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-"I didn't mean that.

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-"Is there anything

-you're afraid of?"

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-"The Night Hawk knows no fear."

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-He didn't get any sense out of me.

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-He took me back out and left me

-at one end of the corridor.

0:20:010:20:06

-I could see him and the nurses

-talking to Dad at the far end.

0:20:060:20:12

-All I could see

-was the doctor doing this...

0:20:120:20:15

-..and Dad doing this.

0:20:170:20:18

-Then he brought out his Handycam...

0:20:230:20:25

-..played the match back...

0:20:260:20:28

-..and all I could hear was,

-"Watch out for the begonias."

0:20:290:20:32

-.

0:20:350:20:35

-Subtitles

0:20:380:20:38

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

0:20:380:20:40

-Then I grew up a bit

-and lost interest in wrestling.

0:20:410:20:45

-I lost interest in it,

-and gained interest in girls.

0:20:450:20:49

-It was time to move on...

0:20:490:20:51

-..from broken ribs

-to a broken heart, as they say.

0:20:510:20:54

-No-one says that.

0:20:550:20:57

-Thanks, panto crowd...

0:20:580:21:00

-..for your sympathy.

0:21:010:21:02

-I got my first girlfriend

-when I was 16.

0:21:020:21:06

-I made the weirdest mistake

-that anyone has ever made.

0:21:070:21:10

-I sexted the lad that my girlfriend

-was cheating on me with...

0:21:110:21:15

-..thinking he was my girlfriend.

0:21:150:21:17

-How can that happen? I'll tell you.

0:21:180:21:20

-I was 16

-and she was my first girlfriend.

0:21:200:21:24

-Her name was Heulwen.

0:21:240:21:26

-I know that translates

-as Cheaty McBlackheart.

0:21:260:21:30

-I'm fine, I'm over it now.

0:21:360:21:37

-Definitely over it.

0:21:380:21:39

-I really thought

-it'd be something nice.

0:21:400:21:43

-She was my first girlfriend...

0:21:430:21:45

-..and we had really similar

-mobile phones.

0:21:460:21:49

-Does anyone remember the Nokia 3310?

0:21:490:21:52

-We both had one of those.

0:21:520:21:55

-You could get up to eight texts

-and watch a snake eating itself.

0:21:560:22:00

-What happened was this.

0:22:010:22:03

-Heulwen and I

-were going to this party.

0:22:030:22:05

-On the way there, she was cold

-and I gave my jacket to Heulwen.

0:22:060:22:12

-FYI, I'd chosen a suede jacket...

0:22:120:22:14

-..because I thought

-that's what girls liked.

0:22:140:22:18

-Sixties cop.

0:22:180:22:19

-That was the look,

-and you're thinking...

0:22:190:22:22

-..no wonder she cheated on you,

-you looked like a nutter.

0:22:220:22:26

-Anyway, she was cold,

-so I gave her my jacket.

0:22:260:22:29

-It's not funny, but it's important.

0:22:300:22:32

-It's like a bit from CSI Miami...

0:22:320:22:36

-..when the cameras crash zoom.

0:22:370:22:39

-Your gran goes,

-"I bet she did it."

0:22:400:22:42

-"I know she did, Nan,

-she's covered in blood."

0:22:420:22:45

-This is like that bit.

0:22:450:22:47

-Heulwen put her mobile phone

-in my jacket pocket.

0:22:480:22:51

-That's important.

0:22:520:22:53

-Not funny,

-but important to the story.

0:22:530:22:56

-Off we went, to my first party.

0:22:560:22:58

-I've never drank before,

-I want to impress the older lads.

0:22:590:23:03

-My first house party, sampling

-the atmosphere, and really nervous.

0:23:030:23:09

-One of the older boys

-produced a bottle of whisky.

0:23:100:23:13

-He said,

-"Phil, how much whisky do you want?"

0:23:140:23:17

-I didn't know how to answer that.

0:23:180:23:20

-I just guessed and said, "A pint."

0:23:210:23:24

-Now, I knew that was wrong

-because everyone began to clap.

0:23:260:23:31

-Clapping is a good thing at a gig.

0:23:320:23:37

-But when you've asked for a drink,

-something has really gone wrong.

0:23:380:23:42

-For a bit, I was the cool boy

-with a pint of whisky at the party.

0:23:440:23:48

-All the boys were, "Whoa, you're so

-cool, you've got a pint of whisky."

0:23:480:23:53

-But as I drank it, whoa...

0:23:530:23:55

-Strong whisky!

0:23:570:24:00

-I was cool for five minutes,

-with the older boys.

0:24:000:24:03

-"He's the pint of whisky guy."

0:24:040:24:06

-Then, one boy started to shout,

-"Down it, down it, down it."

0:24:070:24:13

-I had to do it, like the baby thing.

0:24:130:24:15

-If people shout "Down it!",

-you have to do it.

0:24:150:24:19

-So, I started.

0:24:190:24:20

-After a quarter of a pint,

-I thought...

0:24:210:24:24

-.."I'm going to be sick."

0:24:250:24:26

-Halfway through,

-I knew I was going to be sick...

0:24:280:24:32

-..because I was sick...

0:24:330:24:35

-..back into the pint glass.

0:24:360:24:38

-That's how everyone

-at the party reacted.

0:24:380:24:43

-"Down it, ugh, you need to leave."

0:24:430:24:46

-"You need to go."

0:24:470:24:48

-I was cool for five minutes.

0:24:490:24:52

-Like Icarus,

-flying too close to the sun.

0:24:520:24:55

-Sickarus!

0:24:550:24:56

-I had to leave the party.

0:25:000:25:02

-I had to go home,

-there was no way I could stay.

0:25:020:25:05

-As I was walking home,

-the mobile phone rang in my pocket.

0:25:050:25:10

-I opened the phone,

-thinking it was my phone.

0:25:110:25:14

-I read the first text.

0:25:140:25:16

-It said, "Hey, babe, where are you?

-I want to touch you."

0:25:170:25:22

-Now...

0:25:220:25:23

-..this was a text from another boy

-to my girlfriend, Heulwen.

0:25:240:25:29

-But because I was drunk

-and a bit of an idiot...

0:25:290:25:32

-..I thought it was a text

-from Heulwen to me.

0:25:320:25:35

-I should have been heartbroken,

-but instead, I was just horny.

0:25:360:25:40

-I was just,

-ooh, she wants to touch me. Great!

0:25:410:25:45

-It must be that pint I downed!

0:25:450:25:47

-But we were

-each other's first love.

0:25:490:25:51

-We shared experiences,

-we lost our virginity together.

0:25:520:25:56

-I hope.

0:25:560:25:57

-When I read the text,

-I thought it was Heulwen.

0:25:590:26:03

-I texted back.

0:26:030:26:04

-"Oh, yeah, babe?

-Where do you want to touch me?"

0:26:050:26:08

-I added "mmm", and the right amount

-of Ms is crucial...

0:26:080:26:13

-..in a sext.

0:26:140:26:16

-Too many Ms and it looks

-as if you're too keen.

0:26:160:26:21

-"Where do you want to touch me

-mmmmmmmmm?" That's too many.

0:26:220:26:26

-Not enough, and it looks

-as if you're not interested.

0:26:270:26:30

-"Where do you want to touch me m?"

0:26:310:26:33

-I don't care, just touch me

-if you want, so I stick to three.

0:26:330:26:37

-Then I got a text back.

0:26:380:26:40

-"Don't worry, babe, this time

-I'll touch you where it feels good."

0:26:410:26:46

-Now...

0:26:470:26:48

-..that's interesting.

0:26:500:26:52

-What that means is...

0:26:520:26:55

-..she cheated on me before...

0:26:550:26:57

-..but that time, he touched her

-somewhere it didn't feel good.

0:26:580:27:02

-But he's practised touching things.

0:27:030:27:06

-"Since last time,

-I've been touching things.

0:27:060:27:09

-"I've got a touch lamp in the house,

-I'm not allowed near the cat.

0:27:100:27:14

-"I've read a full Cosmopolitan,

-I know all about women.

0:27:180:27:21

-"I'm not going near

-your armpit again."

0:27:220:27:24

-I think, great, I'm getting

-touched where it feels good.

0:27:250:27:28

-So, I texted back.

0:27:290:27:30

-"Do you want to come round my house?

-My parents aren't in."

0:27:310:27:35

-My parents weren't in.

0:27:350:27:38

-But Heulwen's parents were in.

0:27:390:27:41

-You should know this.

0:27:430:27:45

-Her father's nickname

-was Angry Mike.

0:27:450:27:48

-For all the right reasons.

0:27:510:27:53

-He was an ex-miner, you know.

0:27:530:27:56

-By that, I mean

-he used to work in the mines...

0:27:560:28:00

-..not he used to be a child.

0:28:000:28:03

-He was the kind of man who'd punch

-a microwave to get his food faster.

0:28:040:28:09

-He was a really angry man.

0:28:090:28:11

-This lad turned up at Heulwen's

-house at three in the morning.

0:28:120:28:18

-Angry Mike answered the door

-and said...

0:28:180:28:21

-.."Anything you do to her,

-I'll do to you"...

0:28:210:28:24

-..then headbutted him in the face.

0:28:260:28:28

-I know that happened

-because of the next text I got.

0:28:300:28:35

-"WTF. Why do you want to kill me?

0:28:350:28:38

-"Your dad answered the door

-in his pants.

0:28:390:28:41

-"I can't see out of my left eye."

0:28:430:28:45

-At first, I still hadn't

-figured out what had happened.

0:28:460:28:50

-I first read it and thought, Dad?

0:28:500:28:54

-I know you and Heulwen

-didn't get on, but this is too far!

0:28:580:29:02

-Literally, how did you do it

-when you're in Spain?

0:29:030:29:07

-Did you fly back

-just to headbutt her?

0:29:070:29:10

-But that's not the saddest thing

-I've seen in Wales.

0:29:120:29:15

-This is the saddest thing, for me.

0:29:150:29:19

-Do you know the EU?

0:29:200:29:23

-If you don't,

-the EU is like a schoolyard bully.

0:29:230:29:26

-But instead of stealing

-your lunch money...

0:29:260:29:30

-..it forces you to adhere

-to the Human Rights Act.

0:29:300:29:33

-They gave money for Pontypridd

-to have a heated outdoor pool.

0:29:330:29:38

-It's the best thing

-to happen to Ponty for a long time.

0:29:390:29:44

-It's a great family attraction.

0:29:450:29:48

-I was excited to see it.

0:29:490:29:50

-They built it and it's great.

0:29:500:29:52

-But the people of Pontypridd

-voted to leave the EU.

0:29:530:29:57

-Why did they do that?

0:29:580:30:00

-They gave you

-a heated outdoor swimming pool.

0:30:000:30:03

-What were they thinking?

0:30:030:30:05

-It's like they've gone, "No,

-it's too much, we're not France."

0:30:050:30:10

-But they need it because not much

-goes on in Pontypridd.

0:30:110:30:14

-This is the high street for you.

0:30:140:30:17

-Two Shoe Zones.

0:30:170:30:18

-That's too many, isn't it?

0:30:200:30:22

-Why would you need two?

0:30:230:30:25

-Or maybe one sells

-right-footed shoes...

0:30:250:30:28

-..and the other one

-goes out of business.

0:30:280:30:31

-But there are local businesses.

0:30:330:30:36

-There's a small cafe

-called A Brunch In The Face.

0:30:360:30:39

-I think that's too aggressive a way

-to sell a late breakfast.

0:30:420:30:46

-It's too much.

0:30:460:30:47

-If you're ever in Ponty,

-go in there.

0:30:480:30:50

-This is what you get

-at A Brunch In The Face.

0:30:500:30:53

-Cheese on toast, egg on toast,

-beans on toast and then just toast.

0:30:530:30:58

-Which means that the owner

-must have looked around...

0:31:000:31:04

-..run out of stuff...

0:31:040:31:05

-..and then gone...

0:31:060:31:08

-.."Well, toast by itself

-is a meal, isn't it?"

0:31:080:31:11

-But it's not, right.

0:31:130:31:15

-I went in once and asked

-for cheese and beans on toast...

0:31:150:31:19

-..because I'm a maverick.

0:31:190:31:21

-The waitress

-looked at me and said...

0:31:210:31:24

-.."Oh, I'll see what we can do."

0:31:240:31:28

-Do you know what?

0:31:290:31:30

-I didn't get it.

0:31:310:31:32

-Do you know what I did get?

0:31:350:31:36

-Egg.

0:31:370:31:38

-Just an egg by itself.

0:31:390:31:41

-How do you get from cheese and beans

-on toast to an egg by itself?

0:31:420:31:46

-What was the conversation

-in the kitchen?

0:31:460:31:49

-"We've got a smart-arse

-on table three, have we, Sandra?"

0:31:490:31:53

-"Give him the egg."

0:31:540:31:55

-"No, no, no, you give him the egg."

0:31:580:32:02

-Another local business

-I passed a week or two ago...

0:32:030:32:08

-..is a divorce lawyer.

0:32:080:32:10

-In the divorce lawyer's window...

0:32:100:32:13

-..he also advertises

-his own papier mache art.

0:32:130:32:16

-What's he trying to say?

0:32:170:32:19

-To me, it says that you can't

-trust him with either task.

0:32:190:32:24

-Imagine going in.

0:32:240:32:25

-"Things aren't working out

-with my wife.

0:32:260:32:29

-"Why are you making my prenup

-into a tiny cat?

0:32:290:32:32

-"The eyes are nice,

-they look like a kitten's eyes.

0:32:340:32:38

-"But the smile says she's leaving

-and she's not coming back."

0:32:380:32:42

-How can that possibly succeed?

0:32:420:32:45

-So, it was great when we got

-the outdoor heated swimming pool.

0:32:450:32:49

-It's created jobs in Ponty.

0:32:490:32:51

-Well, a job.

0:32:510:32:52

-A lifeguard.

0:32:530:32:54

-I say lifeguard.

0:32:540:32:55

-He has to remind people

-that a pool is different to a bath.

0:32:560:33:00

-"Put your trunks back on, Bryn,

-there's children around."

0:33:030:33:07

-What will it look like when

-the EU money isn't there any more...

0:33:070:33:12

-..and we can't heat the pool.

0:33:120:33:14

-It'll just be a sad pond.

0:33:150:33:17

-People will go down

-to a really sad lake...

0:33:180:33:20

-..and instead of skimming stones,

-just toss in their hopes and dreams.

0:33:200:33:25

-Doob-doob-doob-doob.

0:33:260:33:28

-I'll never own property.

0:33:280:33:30

-Doob-doob-doob-doob.

0:33:320:33:34

-A Brunch In The Face

-was a silly idea for a cafe.

0:33:340:33:39

-Doob-doob-doob-doob.

0:33:400:33:41

-One or the other,

-papier mache or divorce lawyer.

0:33:420:33:45

-What'll it look like in the future

-when there's no water in it?

0:33:460:33:50

-A hole, with trolleys,

-graffiti and Bryn.

0:33:500:33:53

-School trips will come there,

-like they go to Big Pit.

0:33:540:33:57

-They'll turn up

-and look at what could have been.

0:33:570:34:01

-Bryn will be there in his pants

-offering guided tours.

0:34:010:34:05

-"This is where I live now.

0:34:050:34:07

-"In these bushes here.

0:34:080:34:10

-"This is the pool...

0:34:100:34:12

-"..and this is my assistant."

0:34:120:34:14

-And the teacher says, "That's

-a trolley, kids, get out of here."

0:34:140:34:19

-I'm worried about the future

-for Welsh children, I really am.

0:34:190:34:23

-Before I did this job...

0:34:250:34:28

-..I used to work in a school

-with autistic children.

0:34:290:34:35

-One boy I worked with

-was nine years old.

0:34:350:34:39

-His name was Keith.

0:34:390:34:41

-My problem is...

0:34:440:34:45

-..you can't be nine years old

-if you're called Keith.

0:34:460:34:50

-If I hadn't started by saying

-I used to work with children...

0:34:520:34:56

-If I'd said I used to work

-with someone called Keith...

0:34:570:35:00

-..you'd all have gone,

-"Oh, you were a plumber, were you?"

0:35:010:35:05

-Driving a van, leering at women,

-listening to Jeremy Vine.

0:35:060:35:10

-I did do that.

-That's why I'm not there any more.

0:35:100:35:14

-Keith was one of these children

-who are old before their time.

0:35:150:35:20

-Physically, he was nine,

-but mentally, he was 52.

0:35:220:35:27

-You know those children.

0:35:270:35:28

-All the other children

-arrived like this.

0:35:290:35:32

-"Yes, come on,

-bring on the day, I'm excited."

0:35:320:35:35

-Keith came in,

-hair slicked back, coffee...

0:35:350:35:38

-..as if he's waiting

-for his PPI to come through.

0:35:390:35:42

-"Any day now."

0:35:420:35:43

-I'm not texting them,

-they texted me and now nothing.

0:35:430:35:47

-Sentences hang...

0:35:490:35:50

-..on whether you use

-the name Keith.

0:35:520:35:55

-"Keith, can you have that report

-on my desk by Monday?"

0:35:560:36:01

-That's fine, isn't it?

0:36:010:36:03

-This sentence doesn't work.

0:36:030:36:06

-"Keith, do you know

-when you colour in that duck?"

0:36:060:36:10

-"Can you keep within the lines

-because it's a mess?"

0:36:150:36:18

-"Look, mate, I've got a wife,

-two kids and a mortgage at home."

0:36:190:36:24

-I had awkward silences

-with this boy.

0:36:240:36:27

-You know, those awkward silences

-you get if you work with someone...

0:36:270:36:32

-..that you don't know

-but are trying to get to know...

0:36:320:36:35

-..but the chat gets so awkward?

0:36:360:36:38

-You go in early

-and it's just you and them.

0:36:380:36:41

-Chats like this happen.

0:36:410:36:42

-"OK?"

0:36:430:36:44

-"Yes, fine, thanks."

0:36:460:36:47

-"It's warm."

0:36:500:36:51

-"It's warm, isn't it?"

0:36:530:36:55

-"Yes, it is a bit warm."

0:36:570:36:59

-"It's still boiling."

0:37:170:37:19

-# The kettle's boiling #

0:37:210:37:23

-No, I can't sing.

0:37:230:37:24

-"But not as warm as yesterday."

-"No, it's not."

0:37:280:37:32

-I've probably recreated awkward

-silences better during this gig!

0:37:320:37:37

-I had another awkward silence

-in a gents toilet...

0:37:370:37:41

-..when I phoned a friend to see

-if he wanted something to eat.

0:37:410:37:45

-There were two men

-using the urinal at the time.

0:37:450:37:48

-As I walked in, I said...

0:37:480:37:50

-.."Do you want to get

-some fish and chips?"

0:37:510:37:54

-One of the men went...

0:37:540:37:56

-.."No, you're alright."

0:37:560:37:58

-"No, I'm not talking to you."

0:38:010:38:03

-And the other man went...

0:38:040:38:05

-.."Yeah, go on then."

0:38:070:38:09

-I've been seeing him for four months

-and I don't know how to end it.

0:38:120:38:17

-One day, on the schoolyard,

-Keith was doing a plane impression.

0:38:170:38:22

-You've all seen a plane,

-I just like doing that.

0:38:230:38:26

-I thought it was such a good chance

-to get to know this boy.

0:38:280:38:32

-It's a topic

-that I can talk to him about.

0:38:330:38:36

-"Keith, when you grow up,

-do you want to be a fighter pilot...

0:38:360:38:40

-"..or an airline pilot

-and see the world?"

0:38:400:38:43

-He said to me...

0:38:430:38:44

-..with his nine-year-old face...

0:38:450:38:48

-.."No, mate, this shit's

-just for the playground."

0:38:490:38:52

-"I think I'd like to work in IT."

0:38:580:39:00

-.

0:39:020:39:02

-Subtitles

0:39:060:39:06

-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

0:39:060:39:08

-I don't know if you know,

-but a year or two ago...

0:39:090:39:12

-..NATO had a meeting in Newport.

0:39:120:39:15

-Do you remember?

0:39:160:39:17

-I don't know

-why they picked Newport.

0:39:170:39:19

-"We need to test out the stuff

-and that's the best place."

0:39:200:39:23

-NATO came to Newport.

0:39:240:39:25

-I didn't realize...

0:39:260:39:27

-I'm really stupid

-and I don't realize things.

0:39:270:39:31

-I had a gig in Taunton and parked

-in Newport on the way back.

0:39:310:39:35

-Taunton

-is two and a half hours away...

0:39:350:39:38

-..which meant that I needed

-my driving trousers.

0:39:390:39:42

-Are you familiar

-with driving trousers?

0:39:420:39:45

-They're like normal trousers...

0:39:460:39:48

-..but you wear them

-when you drive for over two hours.

0:39:480:39:51

-Out and about trousers...

0:39:520:39:53

-..then driving trousers.

0:39:540:39:55

-The problem is, when you change

-from normal to driving trousers...

0:39:560:40:01

-..there's a point in the process

-when you don't wear trousers at all.

0:40:010:40:06

-I call it sexy legs limbo.

0:40:070:40:10

-Just so that I feel less alone.

0:40:110:40:13

-If you're caught

-in a car with no trousers...

0:40:130:40:17

-..it looks like you've gone dogging

-and no-one else has turned up.

0:40:170:40:21

-"I'm sure they'll come soon.

-I mean, I have."

0:40:210:40:24

-"They said they were interested

-on Facebook."

0:40:260:40:29

-I was driving back and I parked

-in a car park in Newport.

0:40:300:40:33

-I parked ten feet from a tank,

-without noticing it.

0:40:330:40:37

-I took my driving trousers off,

-and I was in sexy legs limbo.

0:40:370:40:42

-There was a knock on the car window.

0:40:430:40:46

-I looked up

-and saw a man with a machine gun.

0:40:460:40:49

-"I'm a Navy SEAL."

0:40:500:40:51

-At first, I thought...

0:40:530:40:54

-.."Bloody hell, Newport City Council

-have upped their game."

0:40:560:41:01

-"Usually, it's a fine."

0:41:020:41:04

-What kind of a way is that

-to reveal your job?

0:41:060:41:09

-Just shouting out,

-"I'm a Navy SEAL."

0:41:090:41:12

-Imagine if you had another job

-and just shouted it out.

0:41:120:41:16

-If you worked at Pets At Home.

-"I work in Pets At Home."

0:41:160:41:20

-"Take two months off, Karen,

-you do this every day."

0:41:200:41:24

-Or maybe he lacks confidence.

0:41:240:41:27

-Do you remember

-when supply teachers came?

0:41:270:41:30

-"I'll be your teacher

-for the next two weeks."

0:41:300:41:33

-"No, Mrs Jones,

-I saw you crying in your car."

0:41:330:41:37

-"I want to watch

-Jurassic Park again, please."

0:41:390:41:42

-"I'm a Navy SEAL."

0:41:430:41:45

-Then he said...

0:41:450:41:46

-.."Why aren't you

-wearing any pants?"

0:41:460:41:49

-I was wearing pants...

0:41:500:41:52

-..but I wasn't wearing "pants".

0:41:540:41:56

-There's a difference.

0:41:560:41:58

-I had nice pants,

-a Christmas present from my aunt.

0:41:580:42:01

-Dunlop, good elastic.

0:42:010:42:03

-I was trying to tell him...

0:42:040:42:07

-.."I am wearing pants."

0:42:070:42:10

-"We call them trousers here.

0:42:120:42:14

-"These are off my auntie,

-for Christmas, elastic, Dunlop.

0:42:140:42:18

-"They're very nice."

0:42:180:42:20

-Then he cocked his machine gun.

0:42:210:42:24

-"Why aren't you

-wearing any trousers?"

0:42:240:42:27

-I really did think I might die.

0:42:280:42:30

-He had his gun in my face.

0:42:310:42:33

-"Why aren't you

-wearing any trousers?"

0:42:330:42:36

-I thought,

-there's a bigger problem here.

0:42:360:42:39

-I didn't have trousers,

-but he had a machine gun.

0:42:400:42:43

-One's worse than the other.

0:42:430:42:45

-If you end your day

-with no trousers on...

0:42:450:42:50

-..you've more or less

-had a nice day.

0:42:500:42:52

-But if you end the day

-with a machine gun...

0:42:540:42:57

-..what's happened there?

0:42:570:42:59

-That's a really bigger problem.

0:43:010:43:04

-It's like going to your nephew's

-birthday with blood on your face...

0:43:040:43:08

-..and going,

-"Where's the cake then?"

0:43:090:43:11

-So, I told him...

0:43:130:43:14

-.."Why do you have a machine gun?"

0:43:150:43:17

-"Because of NATO. Why aren't you

-wearing any trousers?"

0:43:210:43:25

-"Because of NATO?"

0:43:270:43:29

-They could have been my last words.

0:43:310:43:34

-"Because of NATO."

0:43:340:43:35

-My last words on this earth.

0:43:360:43:38

-When NATO was in Newport...

0:43:400:43:43

-..Barack Obama came.

0:43:440:43:46

-He took the time

-to visit a local school.

0:43:460:43:49

-A primary school.

0:43:490:43:51

-That led to one of the funniest

-Facebook statuses ever posted.

0:43:520:43:57

-One father who had a boy

-at the school posted this.

0:43:580:44:01

-"Today, my eight-year-old son

-met the President of the USA.

0:44:010:44:06

-"Whatever will he do next?"

0:44:060:44:08

-I really wanted to comment...

0:44:090:44:13

-.."Probably colouring."

0:44:130:44:15

-He's eight years old

-and he's peaked.

0:44:180:44:21

-This will be the best thing

-that happens in his life.

0:44:230:44:27

-Meeting Barack Obama.

0:44:270:44:29

-Nothing else will beat that.

0:44:290:44:31

-Imagine the next day at school.

0:44:310:44:34

-"Today, I coloured in an octopus."

0:44:340:44:37

-"Yesterday, I met Barack Obama."

0:44:380:44:40

-But it'll be with him forever.

0:44:400:44:42

-On his wedding day, he and his

-partner will say their vows.

0:44:420:44:46

-Committing to each other

-for the rest of their lives.

0:44:460:44:50

-He'll bring out a photo

-of him with Barack Obama.

0:44:510:44:54

-"It's just not enough."

0:44:550:44:57

-That's the difference between

-American and Welsh children.

0:45:010:45:07

-American children want to grow up...

0:45:070:45:11

-..and be the president

-or an astronaut or a cowboy.

0:45:110:45:15

-Welsh children want to grow up...

0:45:160:45:19

-..and meet the president

-or meet a cowboy.

0:45:190:45:22

-My dream was to grow up

-and meet an ambulance driver.

0:45:230:45:27

-I made it come true.

0:45:280:45:29

-I do miss my grandmother...

0:45:300:45:33

-..but you just have to make

-your dreams come true.

0:45:330:45:37

-I feel as if I haven't

-connected well with Wales.

0:45:390:45:44

-I feel as if I've failed

-to do that all my life.

0:45:470:45:50

-Then I realized something.

0:45:500:45:52

-When I went

-to my grandad's funeral...

0:45:530:45:56

-My grandad's dead, sorry, spoiler.

0:45:560:45:58

-I felt as if I'd let him down.

0:45:590:46:01

-That I hadn't proved myself.

0:46:010:46:04

-That I hadn't connected

-with him or with Wales.

0:46:040:46:07

-But something interesting

-happened at his funeral.

0:46:070:46:11

-We were all getting ready

-to stand and sing Amazing Grace.

0:46:110:46:17

-I wasn't going to sing, obviously.

0:46:170:46:20

-I really can't sing.

0:46:200:46:22

-# Amazing #

0:46:220:46:23

-Please be quiet, Phil.

0:46:240:46:25

-We were singing Amazing Grace,

-my grandad's favourite song.

0:46:270:46:31

-We stood up and the piano started.

0:46:310:46:33

-I wanted to look across

-at the woman...

0:46:330:46:37

-..to thank her

-for playing the song.

0:46:370:46:40

-But I noticed that she wasn't

-really playing the keyboard.

0:46:400:46:44

-She'd pressed the demo button...

0:46:440:46:46

-..and was pretending

-to play Amazing Grace.

0:46:460:46:49

-Then she saw me

-and my brother staring.

0:46:520:46:55

-She accidentally pressed

-the Samba Beats 52 button.

0:46:570:47:01

-My grandad's final song

-was Samba Beats 52.

0:47:020:47:06

-# Amazing #

0:47:070:47:08

-DRUMBEAT RHYTHM

0:47:080:47:10

-She was trying to switch it off,

-and our tears turned to laughter.

0:47:110:47:16

-Then I realized, although

-I can't play rugby or sing...

0:47:160:47:20

-..and that Wales let me down

-in the way they voted...

0:47:200:47:24

-..the one thing....

0:47:240:47:26

-..the one thing we all share

-is our sense of humour.

0:47:260:47:30

-That's what united us that night.

0:47:300:47:32

-It was nice to realize that,

-and it made me feel much better.

0:47:320:47:36

-That's the end of the show. Thanks.

0:47:370:47:39

-S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.

0:48:020:48:04

-.

0:48:040:48:04

Cyfres newydd o sioeau comedi byw: Phil Cooper o'r Rhondda sy'n mynd â ni ar siwrnai bersonol wrth sôn am ei berthynas â Chymru a'r iaith Gymraeg. Stand up comedian Phil Cooper on stage.


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