Xmas 2017 TOTP2

God rest ye merry gentlepeople

and welcome to a nondenominational carol service,

with seasonal songs from the humanist hymn book of pop.

And lo, let there be light with The Darkness!

Looks like Nessa from Gavin and Stacey on drums,

but I could be wrong.

# Feigning joy and surprise

# At the gifts we despise

# Over mulled wine

# With you

# On the 25th day

# Of the 12th month

# The sleigh bells are in time

# Ringing true

# How we cling each Noel to that snowflake's hope in hell

# That it won't end

# Don't let the bells end

# Christmas time

# Just let them ring in peace

# Well, the weather is cruel

# And the season of Yule warms the heart

# But it still hurts

# So that's why I pray each and every Christmas day

# That it won't end

# Don't let the bells end

# Christmas time

# Just let them ring in peace

# Christmas time

# Don't let the bells end

# Christmas time

# Don't let the bells end

# Dust underneath the mistletoe leaves

# When you're not here

# You went away upon Boxing Day

# Now how the hell am I gonna make it into the New Year?

# Christmas time

# Don't let the bells end

# Christmas time

# Don't let the bells end

# Christmas time

# Don't let the bells end

# Christmas time... #

And there was our first children's choir of the night.

OK, no show without punch, and here is Lord Nod of Holdershire and co.

Don the drummer's turn with the top hat here,

but in return, Noddy gets the band's only shirt.

Huzzah!

# Are you hanging up a stocking

# On your wall?

# It's the time that every Santa

# Has a ball

# Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer?

# Does he turn up on his sleigh?

# Do the fairies keep him sober

# For a day?

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# Are you waiting for the family

# To arrive?

# Are you sure you got the room

# To spare inside?

# Does your granny always tell ya

# That the old songs are the best?

# Then she's up and rock 'n' rollin'

# With the rest

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# What will your daddy do

# When he sees your mama

# Kissin' Santa Claus?

# Ah-ah ah

# Are you hanging up a stocking

# On your wall?

# Are you hoping that the snow

# Will start to fall?

# Do you ride on down the hillside

# In a buggy you have made?

# When you land upon your head

# Then you've been sleighed!

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun... #

It's Christmas!

# ..It's only just begun. #

So, now we are well and truly in the party mood.

But this is the stuff of nightmares.

The only Christmas Number One to feature Nosferatu the Vampyre.

There he is on the left, pass the garlic.

# Ba-da-da-da

# Ba-da-da-dum

# Looking from a window above

# It's like a story of love

# Can you hear me?

# Came back only yesterday

# I'm moving further away

# Want you near me

# All I needed was the love you gave

# All I needed for another day

# And all I ever knew, only you

# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

# Sometimes when I think of your name

# And it's only a game

# And I need you

# Listening to the words that you say

# It's getting harder to stay

# When I see you

# All I needed was the love you gave

# All I needed for another day

# And all I ever knew, only you

# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

# Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba

# Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da-da-da

# Ba-da-da-da

# Ba-da-da-da-dum

# Ba-ra, ba-ra, ba-ra, ba-ra

# Ba-ra-ra-ra, ba-ra-ra-ra

# Ba-ra-ra-ra

# Ba-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra

# All I needed was the love you gave

# All I needed for another day

# And all I ever knew, only you

# Ba-ra-ra-ra, ba-ra-ra-ra

# This is going to take a long time

# And I wonder what's mine

# Can't take no more

# Wonder if you'll understand

# It's just the touch of your hand

# Behind a closed door

# All I needed was the love you gave

# All I needed for another day

# And all I ever knew... #

It's OK, kids, they've gone. You can come out now.

Slade may only have had one titfer between them,

but no such problems for Aswad,

proud reward card holders at Ladbroke Grove's premier hat shop.

# If you wanna leave, baby

# I won't beg you to stay

# And if you wanna go, darling

# Maybe it's better that way

# I'm gonna be strong I'm gonna be fine

# Don't worry about this heart of mine

# Walk out the door, see if I care

# Go on and go now

# But don't turn around

# Cos you're gonna see my heart breaking

# Don't turn around

# I don't want you seeing me crying

# Just walk away

# It's tearing me apart that you're leaving

# I'm letting you go

# And I won't let you know

# Baby, I won't let you know

# I won't miss your arms around me

# Holding me tight

# And if you ever think about me

# Just know that I'm gonna be all right

# I'm gonna be strong, I'm gonna be fine

# Don't worry about this heart of mine

# I know I'll survive, yeah

# I'll make it through

# And I'll learn to live without you

# But don't turn around

# Cos you're gonna see my heart breaking

# Don't turn around

# I don't want you seeing me crying

# Just walk away, it's tearing me apart that you're leaving

# I'm letting you go

# And I won't let you know

# I wish I could scream out loud that I love you

# I wish I could say to you

# Don't go, don't go, don't go

# Don't turn around, girl

# Don't turn around, I don't want you seeing me crying

# Just walk away

# It's tearing me apart that you're leaving

# I'm letting you go

# Don't turn around

# Cos you're gonna see my heart breaking

# Don't turn around... #

Classic Ronettes homage now. Dressing room redecorated? Check.

Basket of puppies? Check.

She doesn't do stairs, remember.

OK, Ms Carey, we're ready for you.

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need

# I don't care about the presents

# Underneath the Christmas tree

# I just want you for my own

# More than you could ever know

# Make my wish come true

# All I want for Christmas

# Is you

# Yeah

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# There is just one thing I need

# And I don't care about the presents

# Underneath the Christmas tree

# I don't need to hang my stocking

# There upon the fireplace

# Santa Claus won't make me happy

# With a toy on Christmas Day

# I just want you for my own

# More than you could ever know

# Make my wish come true

# All I want for Christmas is you

# You, baby, oh

# I won't ask for much this Christmas

# I won't even wish for snow

# And I just wanna keep on waiting

# Underneath the mistletoe

# I won't make a list and send it

# To the North Pole for St Nick

# I won't even stay awake

# To hear those magic reindeer click

# Cos I just want you here tonight

# Holding on to me so tight

# What more can I do?

# Oh, baby, all I want for Christmas

# Is you

# Ooo-ooo

# Baby

# All the lights are shining

# So brightly everywhere

# So brightly, baby

# And the sound of children's laughter

-# Fills the air

-Oh-oh

# And everyone is singing

# I hear those sleigh bells ringing

# Santa won't you bring me

# The one I really need

# Won't you please bring my baby to me?

# I don't want a lot for Christmas

# This is all I'm asking for

# I just wanna see my baby

# Standing right outside my door

# I just want you for my own

# More than you could ever know

# Make my wish come true

# Baby, all I want for Christmas

# Is you... #

Peter Kay and the Two Ronnies on backing vocals there.

OK, it's Christmas night, everyone's been on the sherry,

and The Human League have moved the furniture back for some

un-self-conscious dancing in front of the fake tree.

And look out for Phil Oakey's festive ear!

# You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar

# When I met you

# I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around

# Turned you into someone new

# Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet

# Success has been so easy for you

# But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now

# And I can put you back down too

# Don't

# Don't you want me?

# You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me

# Don't

# Don't you want me?

# You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me

# It's much too late to find

# You think you've changed your mind

# You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry

# Don't you want me, baby?

# Don't you want me? Oh-oh-oh!

# Don't you want me, baby?

# Don't you want me? Oh-oh-oh!

# I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar

# That much is true

# But even then, I knew I'd find a much better place

# Either with or without you

# The five years we have had have been such good times

# I still love you

# But now, I think it's time I lived my life on my own

# I guess it's just what I must do

# Don't

# Don't you want me?

# You know I can't believe it when I hear that you won't see me

# Don't

# Don't you want me?

# You know I don't believe you when you say that you don't need me

# It's much too late to find

# You think you've changed your mind

# You'd better change it back or we will both be sorry

# Don't you want me, baby?

# Don't you want me? Oh-oh-oh!

# Don't you want me, baby?

# Don't you want me? Oh-oh-oh!

# Don't you want me, baby?

# Don't you want me? Oh-oh-oh! #

Spray string and tinsel courtesy of the Shepherd's Bush pound shop.

2 Unlimited next. Now, have I got enough foil for the turkey?

# Techno, techno, techno, techno... #

Let me hear you say, "yeah"!

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

# No, no

# No, no, no, no

# No, no, no, no

# No, no, there's no limit

# No, no

# No, no, no, no

# No, no, no, no

# No, no, there's no limit

# No, no limits

# We'll reach for the sky

# No valley too deep, no mountain too high

# No, no limits

# Won't give up the fight

# We do what we want and we do it with pride... #

Let me hear you say, "yeah"!

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

# No, no

# No, no, no, no

# No, no, no, no, no

# Techno, techno, techno, techno

# No, no

# No, no, no, no

# No, no, no, no, no

# Come on! Techno, techno, techno, techno

# No, no

# No, no, no, no

# No, no, no, no

# No, no, there's no limit

# No, no

# No, no, no, no

# No, no, no, no

# No, no, there's no limit

# No, no limits

# We'll reach for the sky

# No valley too deep, no mountain too high... #

2 Unlimited with a contubernium of oven-ready gladiators,

for no good reason. But, hey, it's Christmas.

Yes, but really, what have you done, eh? Hmm.

Underwhelming baubles, Yoko.

-Happy Christmas, Kyoko.

-Happy Christmas, Julian.

# So this is Christmas

# And what have you done?

# Another year over

# And a new one just begun

# And so this is Christmas

# I hope you have fun

# The near and the dear ones

# The old and the young

# A very merry Christmas

# And a happy New Year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear

-# And so this is Christmas

-War is over

-# For weak and for strong

-If you want it

-# The rich and the poor ones

-War is over

-# The world is so wrong

-Now

-# And so happy Christmas

-War is over

-# For black and for white

-If you want it

-# For the yellow and red ones

-War is over

-# Let's stop all the fight

-Now

# A very merry Christmas

# And a happy New Year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear

-# And so this is Christmas

-War is over

-# And what have we done?

-If you want it

-# Another year over

-War is over

-# A new one just begun

-Now

-# And so happy Christmas

-War is over

-# We hope you have fun

-If you want it

-# The near and the dear ones

-War is over

-# The old and the young

-Now

# A very merry Christmas

# And a happy New Year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear

# War is over

# If you want it... #

Children's choir count stands at two.

Now, direct from a nearby garden centre, it's Coldplay.

And Chris has done his back in

and is having trouble standing up straight, so that explains that.

But why he's wearing toddlers' shoes, I really can't say.

# Turn your magic on, Umi, she'd say

# Everything you want's a dream away

# And we are legends every day

# That's what she told me

# And I feel my heart beating

# I feel my heart underneath my skin

# Oh, yeah, I feel my heart beating

# Cos you make me feel

# Like I'm alive again

# Alive again

# Oh, you make me feel

# Like I'm alive again

# Said I can't go on

# Not in this way

# I'm a dream that died by light of day

# Gonna hold up half the sky and say

# Only I own me

# And I feel my heart beating

# I feel my heart underneath my skin

# Oh, yeah, I feel my heart beating

# Cos you make me feel

# Like I'm alive again

# Alive again

# Oh, you make me feel

# Like I'm alive again

# Magic on, Umi, she'd say

# Everything you want's a dream away

# Under this pressure

# Under this weight

# We are diamonds taking shape

# Oh, we are diamonds taking shape

# Woo-oo-ooh

# Woo-oo-ooh

# If we've only got this life

# This adventure, oh, then I

# And if we've only got this life

# You get me through

# Yeah

# If we've only got this life

# In this adventure, oh, then I

# Want to share it with you

# With you

# With you

# Yeah, I do

-# Woo-hoo

-Woo-hoo

-# Woo-hoo

-Woo-hoo

-# Woo-hoo

-Woo-hoo

-# Woo-hoo

-Woo-hoo

-# Woo-hoo

-Woo-hoo

-# Woo-hoo

-Woo-hoo

-# Woo-hoo

-Woo-hoo

-# Woo-hoo

-Woo-hoo

-# Woo-hoo

-Woo-hoo

# Woo-hoo. #

Good effort with the hat, Chris. Shame it was the wrong size, eh?

OK. Children's choir count - three. Well, it soon will be.

Merry Christmas, Woody.

# When the snowman brings the snow

# Well, he just might like to know

# He's put a great big smile on somebody's face

# If you jump into your bed

# Quickly cover up your head

# Don't you lock the doors

# You know that sweet Santa Claus is on the way

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out for Christmas

# When we're skating in the park

# If the storm cloud makes it dark

# Then your rosy cheeks gonna light my merry way

# Now the frosticles appear

# And they've frozen up my beard

# So we'll lie by the fire

# Till the sleep simply melts 'em all away

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out for Christmas

# When the snowman brings the snow

-# When the snowman brings the snow

-Well, he just might like to know

# He just might like to know

# He's put a great big smile on somebody's face

# So if Santa brings that sleigh

-# Santa brings that sleigh

-All along the Milky Way

# Along the Milky Way

# I'll sign my name on the rooftop in the snow

# Then he may decide to stay

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play

# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# So let the bells ring out for Christmas... #

OK, you lot. Take it!

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Christmas, baby!

# When the kids start singing and the band begins to play... #

Does it count as a children's choir if they don't actually sing?

Evidently hastily assembled from a local primary school,

with no time to learn the words. Doh!

Now, shamelessly ignoring the festive dress code whilst performing

in front of some budget shower curtains, it's Robbie Williams.

# Heaven knows I was such a young boy

# I didn't know what I wanted to be

# I was every little hungry schoolgirl's pride and joy

# And I guess it was enough for me

# To win the race? A prettier face

# Brand-new clothes and a big fat place

# On your rock and roll TV

# But today the way I play the game has got to change, oh, yeah

# And now I'm gonna get myself happy

# I think there's something you should know

# I think it's time I told you so

# There's something deep inside of me

# There's someone else I've got to be

# Take back your picture in a frame

# Don't think that I'll be back again

# I just hope you'll understand

# Somehow the clothes do not make the man

# All we have to do now

# Is take these lies and make them true somehow

# All we have to see

# Is that I don't belong to you

# And you don't belong to me Yeah, yeah

-# Freedom

-I won't let you down

-# Freedom

-I will not give you up

-# Freedom

-Gotta have some faith in myself

# Gotta give for what you take

# It's the one good thing that I've got

-# Freedom

-I won't let you down

-# Freedom

-So please don't give me up

-# Freedom

-Cos I would really, really love

# To stick around, stick around

# Heaven knows we sure had some fun, boy

# What a kick, just my buddies and me

# What a kick, just my buddies and me

# We won the race Got out of the place

# Went back home, got a brand-new face

-# For the boys on MTV

-Boys on MTV

# But today the way I play the game has got to change, oh, yeah

# And now I'm gonna get myself happy

# I think there's something you should know

# I think it's time I stopped the show

# There's something deep inside of me

# There's someone I forgot to be

# Take back your picture in a frame

# Don't think that I'll be back again

# I just hope you'll understand

# Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

# All we have to do now

# Is take these lies and make them true somehow

# All we have to see

# Is that I don't belong to you

# And you don't belong to me Yeah, yeah

-# Freedom

-I won't let you down

-# Freedom

-I will not give you up

-# Freedom

-Gotta have some faith in myself

# Gotta give for what you take

# It's the one good thing that I've got

-# Freedom

-I won't let you down

-# Freedom

-So please don't give me up

-# Freedom

-Cos I would really, really love

# To stick around, stick around... #

Now, could there be a more poignant title in this instance than

Last Christmas, as we lost George Michael last Christmas Day?

We miss you, George. RIP.

# Last Christmas

# I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

# You gave it away

# This year

# To save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Last Christmas

# I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

-# You gave it away

-You gave it away

# This year

# To save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Special

# Once bitten and twice shy

# I keep my distance

# But you still catch my eye

# Tell me, baby

# Do you recognise me?

# Well, it's been a year

# It doesn't surprise me... #

Happy Christmas.

# I wrapped it up and sent it

# With a note saying, "I love you"

# I meant it

# Now I know what a fool I've been

# But if you kissed me now

# I know you'd fool me again

# Last Christmas

# I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

# You gave it away

# You gave it away

# This year

# To save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Special

# Last Christmas

# I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

# You gave it away

# This year

# To save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Special

# Oh!

# Oh, my baby

# A crowded room

# Friends with tired eyes

# I'm hiding from you

# And your soul of ice

# My God I thought you were

# Someone to rely on

# Me? I guess I was

# A shoulder to cry on

# A face on a lover

# With a fire in his heart

# A man undercover

# But you tore me apart

# Ooh-ooh

# Now I've found a real love

# You'll never fool me again

# Last Christmas

# I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

# You gave it away

# You gave it away

# This year

# To save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# Special

# Last Christmas

# I gave you my heart

# But the very next day

# You gave me away

# This year

# To save me from tears

# I'll give it to someone special

# A face on a lover

# With a fire in his heart

# A man undercover

# But you tore him apart

# Maybe next year... #

Very sadly missed this Christmas - George Michael. You're watching...

..with me, Mark Radcliffe.

And let's not forget that there are urgent medical procedures

being carried out over the festive period, but who can blame

the operating theatre staff for adopting a relaxed dress code

at this time of year?

# When I die and they lay me to rest

# Gonna go to the place that's best

# When they lay me down to die

# Goin' on up to the spirit in the sky

# Goin' on up to the spirit in the sky

# Spirit in the sky

# That's where I'm gonna go when I die

# When I die

# When I die and they lay me to rest

# I'm gonna go to the place that's the best

# Prepare yourself - you know it's a must

# Gotta have a friend named Jesus

# So you know that when you die

# It's gonna recommend you to the spirit in the sky

# Goin' on up to the spirit in the sky

# That's where you're gonna go when you die

# When you die

# When I die and they lay me to rest

# I'm gonna go to the place that's the best

# Never been a sinner

# I've never sinned

# I've got a friend named Jesus

# So you know that when I die

# It's gonna set me up with the spirit in the sky

# Going on up to the spirit in the sky

# Spirit in the sky

# That's where I'm gonna go when I die

# When I die

# When I die and they lay me to rest

# I'm gonna go to the place that's the best

# Going on up to the spirit in the sky

# Spirit in the sky

# That's where I'm gonna go when I die

# When I die

# When I die and they lay me to rest

# I'm gonna go to the place that's the best

# Go to the place that's the best... #

OK, M People next, and this was

when the BBC hadn't paid the gas bill and so the heating was cut off,

which is why the sax player kept his coat on and Heather wore a fleece!

# You've done me wrong

# Your time is up

# You took a sip

# From the devil's cup

# You broke my heart

# There's no way back

# Move right outta here, baby

# Go on, pack your bags

# Just do you think you are?

# Stop acting like some kinda star

# Just who do you think you are?

# Take it like a man, baby, if that's what you are

# Cos I'm moving on up

# You're moving on out

# Moving on up

# Nothing can stop me

# Moving on up

# You're moving on out

# Time to break free

# Nothing can stop me

# They brag a man has walked in space

# But you can't even find my place

# There ain't nothing you can do

# Cos I've had enough of me, baby, being part of you

# Just who do you think you are?

# This time you've gone too far

# Just who do you think you are?

# Take it like a man, baby, if that's what you are

# I'm moving on up

# You're moving on out

# Moving on up

# Nothing can stop me

# Moving on up

# You're moving on out

# Time to break free

# Nothing can stop me, yeah

# Moving on up

# Moving on up

-# Moving on up

-Hey, yeah, yeah

# Moving on up

# Moving on up

# You're moving on out

# Moving on up

# Nothing can stop me

# Moving on up

# You're moving on out

# Time to break free

# Nothing can stop me. #

And more ostentatiously warm clothing,

borrowed from their mums, with East 17 next.

Very dapper, especially when twinned with an undersized baseball cap

pinched from an infant sibling, eh, Brian?

# Stay now

# Baby, if you've got to go away

# Don't think I can take the pain

# Stay now

# Won't you stay another day?

# Stay now

# Don't you know we've come too far now

# Just to go

# And try to throw it all away?

# I've only just begun to know you

# All I can say

# Is won't you stay just one more day?

# Stay now

# Baby, if you've got to go away

# Don't think I can take the pain

# Won't you stay another day?

# Oh, don't leave me alone like this

# Don't you say it's the final kiss

# Won't you stay another day?

# I touch your face while you are sleeping

# And hold your hand

# Don't understand what's going on

# Good times we had return to haunt me

# Though it's for you

# All that I do seems to be wrong

# Stay now, stay now

# Stay now

# Baby, if you've got to go away

# Don't think I can take the pain

# Won't you stay another day?

# Stay now, stay now, stay now

# Oh, don't leave me alone like this

# Don't you say it's the final kiss

# Won't you stay another day?

# Stay

# Baby, if you've got to go away

# Don't think I can take the pain

# Stay

# Won't you stay another day?

# Oh, don't leave me alone like this

# Don't you say it's the final kiss... #

Lovely ear adornments there, chaps, which reminds me -

must get some new rings for my shower curtain.

A classic from Abba now, showcasing all their famous moves -

facing the front, facing each other, back-to-back.

They had it all, didn't they?

# I've been cheated by you since I don't know when

# So I made up my mind it must come to an end

# Look at me now

# Will I ever learn?

# I don't know how

# But I suddenly lose control

# There's a fire within my soul

# Just one look

# And I can hear a bell ring

# One more look

# And I forget everything

# Oh-oh

# Mamma mia

# Here I go again

# My, my, how can I resist you?

# Mamma mia

# Does it show again

# My, my, just how much I've missed you?

# Yes, I've been broken-hearted

# Blue since the day we parted

# Why, why

# Did I ever let you go?

# Mamma mia

# Now I really know

# My, my

# I could never let you go

# I've been angry and sad about things that you do

# I can't count all the times that I told you "we're through"

# And when you go

# When you slam the door

# I think you know

# That you won't be away too long

# You know that I'm not that strong

# Just one look

# And I can hear a bell ring

# One more look

# And I forget everything

# Oh-oh

# Mamma mia

# Here I go again

# My, my, how can I resist you?

# Mamma mia

# Does it show again

# My, my, just how much I've missed you?

# Yes, I've been broken-hearted

# Blue since the day we parted

# Why, why

# Did I ever let you go?

# Mamma mia

# Even if I said

# "Bye-bye, leave me now or never"

# Mamma mia

# It's a game we play

# Bye-bye

# Doesn't mean forever

# Mamma mia

# Here I go again

# My, my, how can I resist you?

# Mamma mia

# Does it show again

# My, my, just how much I've missed you?

# Yes, I've been broken-hearted

# Blue since the day we parted

# Why, why

# Did I ever let you go?

# Mamma mia, now I really know

# My, my, I could never let you go. #

Always great to have a bit of Abba, isn't it?

And now it's Charles And Eddie.

Yes, all right, Eddie, we know you've washed your hair.

There's no need to keep flicking it about -

you're not in a shampoo advert!

# Look into my eyes

# Can't you see they're open wide?

# Would I lie to you, baby?

-# Would I lie to you?

-Oh, yeah

# Don't you know it's true

# That, girl, there's only you?

# Would I lie to you, baby, yeah?

# Everybody wants to know the truth

# In my arms is the only proof

# I've hidden my hurt behind the bedroom door

# Now it's open, I can do no more

# I'm telling you, baby

# You will never find another girl

# In this heart of mine

# Oh

# Look into my eyes

# Can't you see they're open wide?

# Would I lie to you, baby?

# Would I lie to you?

# Oh, yeah

# Don't you know it's true?

# Girl, there's only you now

# Would I lie to you, baby?

# Would I lie to you?

# Everybody's got their history

# On every page a little mystery

# You can read my diary You're in every line

# Jealous mind's never satisfied

# I'm telling you, baby

# You will never find another girl

# In this heart of mine

# In this heart of mine

# Look into my eyes

# Can't you see they're open wide?

# Would I lie to you, baby?

-# Would I lie to you?

-Oh, yeah

# Don't you know it's true

# That, girl, there's only you

# Would I lie to you, baby, yeah? #

Come on, let me hear you scream. Come on!

# You wanna see me night and day

# Would I lie?

# If I tell you that I'm here to stay

# Would I lie to you?

# Do you think I'd give my love away?

# Would I lie?

# That's not the kind of game I play, no

# I'm telling you, baby

# You will never find another girl

# In this heart of mine

# In this heart of mine

# Deep in my heart

# Look into my eyes

# Can't you see they're open wide?

# Would I lie to you, baby?

-# Would I lie to you?

-Oh, yeah

# Don't you know it's true?

# Girl, there's only you now

# Would I lie to you, baby, yeah?

# Look into my eyes

# Can't you see they're open wide?

# Would I lie to you, baby? #

Next up, a familiar festive fave which utilises

many of the classic Christmas elements - a brass band,

sleigh bells and a mention of the nuclear fallout zone.

# Hey, Mr Churchill comes over here

# To say we're doing splendidly

# But it's very cold

# Out here in the snow

# Marching to and from the enemy

# Oh, I say it's tough

# I have had enough

# Can you stop the cavalry?

# I have had to fight

# Almost every night

# Down throughout these centuries

# That is when I say Oh, yes, yet again

# Can you stop the cavalry?

# Mary Bradley waits at home

# In the nuclear fallout zone

# Wish I could be dancing now

# In the arms of the girl I love

# Dub-a-dub-a-dum-dum

# Dub-a-dub-a-dum

# Dub-a-dum-dum-dub-a-dum

# Dub-a-dub-a-dum Dub-a-dub-a-dum-dum

# Dub-a-dum-dum-dub-a-dum

# Dub-a-dum-dum-dub-a-dum Dub-a-dum-a-dum

# Wish I was at home for Christmas

# Bang goes another bomb

# On another town

# While the Tsar and Jim have tea

# If I get home Live to tell the tale

# I'll run for all presidencies

# If I get elected I'll stop

# I will stop the cavalry

# Dub-a-dub-a-dum-dum

# Dub-a-dub-a-dum

# Dub-a-dum-dum-dub-a-dum

# Dub-a-dub-a-dum

# Dub-a-dub-a-dum-dum

# Dub-a-dub-a-dum

# Dub-a-dum-dum-dub-a-dum

# Dub-a-dub-a-dum

# Wish I was at home for Christmas

# Wish I could be dancing now

# In the arms of the girl I love

# Mary Bradley waits at home

# She's been waiting two years long

# Wish I was at home for Christmas. #

OK, we're off to the Radio 1 Live Lounge now.

It's just through the Live Kitchen, next to the Live Dining Room.

And, ooh, who's been forced to wear a new jumper by his girlfriend?

# It was Christmas Eve, babe

# In the drunk tank

# An old man said to me

# "Won't see another one"

# And then he sang a song

# The Rare Old Mountain Dew

# I turned my face away

# And dreamed about you

# Got on a lucky one

# Came in 18 to 1

# I've got a feeling

# This year's for me and you

# So happy Christmas

# I love you, baby

# I can see a better time

# When all our dreams come true

# They've got cars big as bars

# They've got rivers of gold

# But the wind goes right through you

# It's no place for the old

# When you first took my hand

# On a cold Christmas Eve

# You promised me Broadway was waiting for me

-# You were handsome

-You were pretty

# Queen of New York City

-BOTH:

-# When the band finished playing

# They howled out for more

# Sinatra was swinging

# All the drunks, they were singing

# We kissed on a corner

# Then danced through the night

# The boys of the NYPD choir

# Were singing Galway Bay

# And the bells were ringing out

# For Christmas Day

# You're a bum, you're a punk

# You're an old gal on junk

# Lying there almost dead

# On a drip in that bed

# You scumbag, you maggot

# You cheap, lousy blagger

# Merry Christmas, you mug

# I pray God it's our last

# The boys of the NYPD choir

# Still singing Galway Bay

# And the bells are ringing out

# For Christmas Day

# I could have been someone

# Well, so could anyone

# You took my dreams from me

# When I first found you

# I took them with me, babe

# I kept them with my own

# Can't make it alone

# I've built my dreams around you

# The boys of the NYPD choir

# Still singing Galway Bay

# And the bells are ringing out

# For Christmas Day

# Jingle bells, jingle bells

# Jingle all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride

# On a one-horse open sleigh

# Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells

# Jingle all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh

# Dashing through the snow

# On a one-horse open sleigh

# Through the fields we go

# Laughing all the way, ha-ha-ha

# Bells on bobtails ring

# Making spirits bright

# What fun it is to ride and sing

# A sleighing song tonight

# Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells

# Jingle all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh

# Hey, jingle bells, jingle bells

# Jingle all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh. #

Ah, lyrical changes to avoid offence,

eh, kids and a jaunty Jingle Bell bonus.

Well, if we must. Panto time now and over we go to the Lyceum Theatre in Crewe,

where in something of a coup for their production of Aladdin,

Boy George has agreed to play Widow Twankey but first, as Buttons presumably, Paul Young.

# It's Christmas time

# There's no need to be afraid

# At Christmas time

# We let in light and we banish shade

# And in our world of plenty

# We can spread a smile of joy

# Throw your arms around the world

# At Christmas time

# But say a prayer

# Pray for the other ones

# At Christmas time

# It's hard

# But when you're having fun

# There's a world outside your window

# And it's a world of dread and fear

# Where the only water flowing is

# The bitter sting of tears

# And the Christmas bells That ring there

# Are the clanging chimes of doom

# Well tonight, thank God it's them

# Instead of you

# And there won't be snow in Africa

# This Christmas time

# The greatest gift they'll get

# This year is life

# Oooh

# Where nothing ever grows

# No rain nor rivers flow

# Do they know It's Christmas time at all?

# Oh-oh

# Here's to you

# Raise a glass for everyone

# Here's to them

# Underneath that burning sun

# Do they know

# It's Christmas time at all?

# Feed the world

# Feed the world

# Feed the world... #

Later in his career, you see,

and so Dave Hill of Slade could afford his own top hat.

Now, it is over to the Poco A Poco cabaret nightspot, Morecambe,

where Count Dracula is on stage. Is this the way to Amarillo?

Well, as we're on the West Coast and Amarillo

is in the Texas Panhandle, I guess it is, in a way.

# When the day is dawning

# On a Texas Sunday morning

# How I long to be there

# With Marie who's waiting For me there

# Every lonely city Where I hang my hat

# Ain't as half as pretty

# As where my baby's at

# Is this the way to Amarillo?

# Every night I've been hugging my pillow

# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo

# And sweet Marie who waits for me

# Show me the way to Amarillo

# I've been weeping like a willow

# Crying over Amarillo

# And sweet Marie who waits for me

# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# And Marie who waits for me

# There's a church bell ringing

# Hear the song of joy That it's singing

# For the sweet Maria

# And the guy who's coming to see her

# Just beyond the highway

# There's an open plain

# And it keeps me going

# Through the wind and rain

# Is this the way to Amarillo?

# Every night I've been hugging my pillow

# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo

# And sweet Marie who waits for me

# Show me the way to Amarillo

# I've been weeping like a willow

# Crying over Amarillo

# And sweet Marie who waits for me

# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# And Marie who waits for me

# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# And Marie who waits for me

# Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la... #

OK, Alison Moyet is up next - evidently caught in a high

wind on her way to the studio.

And no, you don't need to polish your glasses,

we left a smear of cleaning fluid on the lens.

Sorry about that!

# It's that ole devil called love again

# Gets behind me and keeps giving me that shove again

# Putting rain in my eyes

# Tears in my dreams

# And rocks in my heart

# It's that sly old son of a gun again

# He keeps telling me that I'm the lucky one again

# But I still have that rain

# Still have those tears And those rocks in my heart

# S'pose I didn't stay Ran away, wouldn't play

# The devil What a potion he would brew?

# He'd follow me around

# Build me up Tear me down

# Till I'd be so bewildered

# I wouldn't know what to do

# Might as well give up that fight again

# I know darn well he'll convince me that he's right again

# When he sings that sorry song I'm just gonna tag along

# With that ole devil called love

# He'd follow me around

# Build me up Tear me down

# Till I'd be so bewildered

# I wouldn't know what to do

# Might as well give up that fight again

# I know darn well he'll convince me that he's right again

# When he sings that sorry song

# I'm just gonna tag along

# With that ole devil called love

# With that ole devil called love... #

Those nice boys McFly are here now to perform Rockin' Robin

and someone in BBC finance has sanctioned the purchase of a fake robin.

If I'm honest, as props go, it is a little underwhelming

so keep your eye on the drums, to ensure maximum enjoyment.

# He rocks in the tree tops all day long

# Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' his song

# All the little birdies on J-Bird Street

# Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet

# Rockin' robin

# Tweet, tweet, tweet

# Rockin' robin

# Tweet, tweet, tweet

# Go rockin' robin

# Cos we're really gonna rock tonight

# Every little swallow, every chickadee

# Every little bird in the tall oak tree

# The wise old owl, the big black crow

# Flappin' their wings singin' go bird, go

# Rockin' robin

# Rockin' robin

# Go rockin' robin

# Cos we're really gonna rock tonight

# Yeah, yeah

# The pretty little raven at the bird man stand

# Taught him how to do the bop and it was grand

# He started goin' steady and "bless my soul"

# He out-bopped the buzzard and the oriole

# He rocks in the tree tops all day long

# Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' his song

# All the little birdies on J-Bird Street

# Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet

-# Rockin' robin

-Tweet, tweedily dee

-# Rock, rock rockin' robin

-Tweet, tweedily dee

# Go rockin' robin

# Cos we're really gonna rock tonight

# Here we go!

# The pretty little raven at the bird man stand

# Taught him how to do the bop and it was grand

# He started goin' steady and "bless my soul"

# He out-bopped the buzzard and the oriole

# He rocks in the tree tops all day long

# Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' his song

# All the little birdies on J-Bird Street

# Love to hear the robin go tweet, tweet, tweet

# Rockin' robin

# Rockin' robin

# Go rockin' robin

# Cos we're really gonna rock tonight. #

Right, lads, very good. Now get all that fake snow swept up.

I'm on a tight schedule here. I've got the Spice Girls on next.

In fact, here they are now, direct from a creditable bronze

medal in the World Standing In A Line And Wiggling Championships.

# Love is blind

# As far as the eye can see

# Deep and meaningless words to me

# Easy lover

# I need a friend

# Road to nowhere

# Twist and turns but will this never end?

# Well, my dear you'll know that he pleases me

# Pleases me

# But short-term solution Ain't no resolution

# That ain't no release for me

# Too much of something is bad enough

# But something's coming over me

# To make me wonder

# Too much of nothing is

# Just as tough

# I need to know the way to feel

# To keep me satisfied

# Unwrap yourself From around my finger

# Hold me too tight Or left to linger

# Something fine built to last

# Slipped up there

# I guess we're running out of time too fast

# Yes my dear you know he soothes me

# Moves me

# There's no complication

# There's no explanation

# It's just a groove in me

# Too much of something is bad enough

# Bad enough

# But something's coming over me To make me wonder

# Too much of nothing Is just as tough

# Just as tough

# I need to know the way to feel To keep me satisfied

# What part of no Don't you understand?

# Understand understand

# I want a man Not a boy who thinks he can

# Boy who thinks he can

# Too much of something Is bad enough

# But something's coming over me To make me wonder

# Too much of nothing Is just as tough

# I need to know the way to feel To keep me satisfied

# Too much of nothing So why don't we give it a try...

# Too much of something we're gonna be living a lie

# Too much of nothing So why don't we give it a try...

# Too much of something we're gonna be living a lie... #

OK, so this year marks the 50th anniversary of the charity

Crisis and also Ralph McTell's classic song -

Streets Of London.

And so here he is with a timely new version.

# Have you seen the old man

# In the closed-down market

# Kicking up the papers

# With his worn-out shoes?

# In his eyes you see no pride

# Hand held loosely at his side

# Yesterday's paper telling yesterday's news

# So how can you tell me you're lonely

# And say for you that the sun don't shine?

# Let me take you by the hand and

# Lead you through the streets of London

# I'll show you something to make you change your mind

ANNIE LENNOX: # Have you seen the old girl

# Who walks the streets of London

# Dirt in her hair and her clothes in rags?

# She's no time for talking

# She just keeps right on walking

# Carrying her home in two carrier bags