Y Salon Yn Cyt! Y Salon


Y Salon Yn Cyt!

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-One, two, three, in we go!

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-There are always interesting

-conversations in the Salon.

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-You like cocks, don't you? Cockles.

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-Where the tongues

-are also razor-sharp.

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-If he can get rid of ISIS,

-well done. Go for it.

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-This is the place to raise hackles.

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-This is the place to raise hackles.

-

-Controversial, babe!

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-It's controversial, but it's true!

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-The air as well as the hair

-can turn blue.

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-These people like kinky grannies.

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-This is a chance to see the best

-and the worst of the clients.

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-This is what I'm born to do, baby!

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-All the clips that were swept up

-from the floor of the salon.

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-Keep sweeping floors, love!

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-Keep sweeping floors, love!

-

-Done!

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-Lovely!

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-Welcome to Y Salon Yn Cyt.

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-Oh! That's lovely!

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-Yes. That's it.

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-I wouldn't have been able

-to do the Dry-anuary thing.

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-No. Load of shit!

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-Oh, you're not supposed to say that

-on S4C!

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-I have New Year's Resolutions.

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-Let's hear them.

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-I'm going to behave better.

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-How was your Christmas?

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-How was your Christmas?

-

-Well... OK.

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-The dog ate the turkey

-we'd left out on the kitchen table.

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-Serious?!

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-Serious?!

-

-Serious!

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-Have you got any pets?

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-Oh, don't talk to me!

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-I had a lovely white pussy.

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-White pussy!

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-My son Iwan has a bearded dragon.

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-It's a lizard this big.

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-Thinking about it,

-we call the bearded dragon Dave.

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-We should have called him Colin.

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-He looks like Col.

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-How long is it since George died?

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-How long is it since George died?

-

-Five years.

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-Is it that long ago?

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-Is it that long ago?

-

-Yes.

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-Goodness me. I'm sure

-you miss him around the place.

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-He's still in the house.

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-What do you mean?

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-He's in the living room

-in a little box...

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-..and I have his fur in a keyring.

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-The last pet I had was a tortoise.

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-After that...

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-You know how they hibernate

-in the winter?

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-I watched Blue Peter and put him

-in a box under the sink...

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-..as instructed.

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-Two months later, there

-was a funny smell in the kitchen.

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-We thought the drain was blocked.

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-In April, it was time

-to check on the tortoise.

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-I opened the box and lifted him out

-and his head and legs fell off.

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-I never watched Blue Peter

-after that.

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-You have a seagull?!

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-You don't!

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-It's lived with me for four years.

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-It's lived with me for four years.

-

-No way!

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-Dear me.

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-I've just left him.

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-I gave him a big crust.

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-I gave him a big crust.

-

-Did you hear that, Steff?

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-Yes, she's told me before.

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-I call him Wil.

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-My mum was trying to learn

-how to say seagull in Welsh.

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-She was told it was "pwdin blew"

-(Welsh slang for women's pubes).

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-She was saying to these old people

-in the street...

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-.."Look at these bloody pwdin blews.

-They're everywhere!"

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-Brilliant!

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-Steph, my throat feels like

-I've been eating sawdust.

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-Where has she been skiving?

-You'll be replaced by a robot!

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-Yes!

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-"My name is...",

-then it would stick.

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-It would stutter - "My, my, my.

-Warning!" Then it would explode.

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-That's how a robot would be.

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-I've got enough things

-that need batteries!

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-Imagine sticking batteries

-in this lot!

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-Steph is slow bringing me a drink

-as it is.

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-Maybe that's what she needs,

-a battery up her arse!

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-What's the most you've ever spent

-on a handbag or shoes?

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-I think about 180 on a handbag.

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-Have you?

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-Have you?

-

-It was a Radley.

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-Michael spent that on me

-as a Christmas present.

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-I think I've spent 350 on shoes.

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-For shoes?

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-They were Jimmy Choos.

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-They were Jimmy Choos.

-

-Jimmy Choos.

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-Do you use them as ornaments

-or will you actually use them?

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-The first thing you have to do

-is see what the weather's like.

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-Too wet, you can't wear them.

-Too dry, they get dusty.

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-It's too warm or too cold.

-It's got to be right.

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-I like the tattoos today.

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-I had to get them out.

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-I had to get them out.

-

-Very, very nice.

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-My son is getting a sleeve done

-at the moment.

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-I've seen it, it's a clock.

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-What?

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-A clock!

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-A clock!

-

-Oh, yes!

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-A clock!

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-What's the difference

-between a man having his hair cut...

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-..and feeling better about himself

-and a woman having a boob job?

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-If it makes you feel better, fine.

-I'd never moan about it.

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-Without any hair, your head's cold.

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-If you have small boobs,

-are they cold?

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-Donald Trump,

-I don't like that man at all.

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-I think he's a bad man.

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-If we colour your hair right,

-you'd look just like him.

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-I think you and Huw should

-go out there to sort his hair out.

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-Oh, please.

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-I wouldn't want to touch him

-with my hands. Dear me, he's filthy.

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-Imagine waking up

-with him next to you.

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-You'd want plenty of money for that!

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-Goodness me!

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-What about these scandals?

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-With that Russian bloke.

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-With that Russian bloke.

-

-Putin.

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-Him.

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-And the prostitutes!

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-Exactly.

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-Exactly.

-

-Prostitutes, Donna!

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-This could only happen in America.

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-You wouldn't go

-to get your hair cut...

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-..by a guy

-who's never cut hair before.

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-You wouldn't go to see a doctor

-and he wasn't trained.

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-Would you take your car to a man

-who'd never looked at one?

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-No.

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-America have picked a president

-who's never been a politician.

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-He's not been a senator,

-a congressman, governor...

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-..been on a parish council,

-none of them, and now he's top man!

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-In my opinion, if a donkey ran,

-the Americans would vote for him.

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-Well,

-it's what they've done this time!

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-This year, we'll get to see

-what kind of president he'll be.

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-If he can get rid of ISIS,

-well done. Go for it.

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-A lot of people hate Trump...

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-..because he's said things

-that you're not supposed to say.

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-He says what he says

-because he's realistic.

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-Women are down here and men are up

-there. That's how it's going to be.

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-As I said to another customer...

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-..women do have their 'monthlies'.

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-Our minds aren't straight whereas

-men's minds are always straight.

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-If a big debate is taking place...

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-..and there's a hormonal person

-and a strong man speaking...

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-..the man will be able

-to have an answer every time.

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-Controversial, babe.

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-Controversial, babe.

-

-It's controversial but it's true.

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-Do you watch Eurovision?

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-No, I don't.

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-No, I don't.

-

-I don't blame you, it's rubbish.

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-I think the judges

-will be very happy...

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-..with the fact

-that we've come out of Europe!

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-It won't make any difference.

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-It won't make any difference.

-

-Not at all.

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-It will still be "Nul Points"!

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-It will still be "Nul Points"!

-

-Still "Nul Points"!

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-Do you remember Conchita?

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-The bearded lady.

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-The bearded lady.

-

-The man who thought he was a woman.

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-Cross-dressers, as they're known.

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-That's not right.

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-These men who think they're women.

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-It's not right, isn't it, Joyce?

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-Good Lord, no.

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-Conchita.

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-Cont-chita.

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-Shit, I can't say that! Sorry!

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-Sorry. Cut! Cut!

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-Oh, my God!

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-I know the Queen.

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-I've looked after her a few times

-when she's been here.

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-"I'm royalty.

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-"You cheeky, saucy mare."

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-Like that.

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-I like Harry.

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-I prefer Harry. He's very naughty.

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-I love him.

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-I love him.

-

-He's great.

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-You'd take him home to your mum.

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-Me and Kate...

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-Oh. They lived down the road.

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-People suggested

-they'd only built a Waitrose...

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-..so that Kate could do her shopping

-there, but she liked Lidl's.

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-That's where she liked to shop?

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-That's where she liked to shop?

-

-That's where she liked to go.

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-I went to Waitrose

-and fell into the deep freeze.

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-No!

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-No!

-

-Yes.

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-I never went to Waitrose with Kate,

-but Kate and I were mates.

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-She's very plain, bless her,

-and so thin.

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-You were talking about doughnuts.

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-You were talking about doughnuts.

-

-She could do with some doughnuts.

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-She should be tied to a radiator

-and fed a bucketful of doughnuts.

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-Good grief, she's so thin.

-Isn't she thin? Ever so thin.

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-Tie her to a radiator!

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-Tie her to a radiator!

-

-I never want to be that thin.

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-Anyway,

-do you know what happened, Joyce?

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-They won't put this on S4C

-but I'll tell you anyway.

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-We were going out one day.

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-Kate turned to me and said...

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-.."Good Lord. Look at all of them

-over there dogging."

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-I replied, "Dogging?! Kate,

-goodness me, it's a car boot sale."

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-She turned to me.

-Do you know what she said?

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-"Either way, it's a load of people

-getting fucked in a car park."

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-Kate!

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-She's had to become more serious

-since becoming a princess.

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-You can't change the past

-but you can affect what's to come.

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-Very true.

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-We'll have more clippings from

-the Salon floor after the break.

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-I bought a spade at the Winter Fair

-six years ago.

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-You haven't used it yet.

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-You haven't used it yet.

-

-I haven't used it yet!

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-I've paid for this spade and

-I haven't done anything with it yet.

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-.

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-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

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-Aren't these apps good?

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-Absolutely.

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-Absolutely.

-

-I'm a big fan of the social media.

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-Are you?

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-I'm all over them!

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-I'm all over them!

-

-Are you?

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-I'm like a social media whore.

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-No, you're not.

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-No, you're not.

-

-Oh, but I am.

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-I'm not on Twitter.

-I don't understand Twitter.

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-You're on Tinder.

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-Swipe left, swipe right.

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-Everyone get's swiped right.

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-Even if they're fat,

-ugly and wear spectacles.

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-And the dating sites.

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-You're not on those!

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-You're not on those!

-

-Of course I am.

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-He doesn't mind me having a pudding!

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-She is 42.

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-Wow!

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-Wow!

-

-Yes, she's ugly.

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-You haven't had a swipe

-from her yet.

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-If they are a little conservative,

-I never have been.

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-I'm on Christian Mingle too.

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-You are not!

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-A little chapel girl!

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-It's St Dwynwen's Day on Wednesday.

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-You're a bit of a romantic.

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-Do you want to know what she gets?

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-Do you want to know what she gets?

-

-Go on.

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-I get up first and prepare

-a light breakfast in bed.

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-She likes peppermint tea.

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-She gets up at 9.30am and we go

-for a jog. Why are you laughing?

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-It's St Dwynwen's Day

-every day at ours!

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-Oh, really?

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-Then we have lunch in Beaumaris.

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-Go for a walk to Llanddwyn.

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-Jason, we haven't finished yet!

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-What have you got for Huw?

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-What have you got for Huw?

-

-Nothing!

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-We'll have food in Beaumaris.

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-She has a salmon sandwich

-and I have prawns.

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-I'll have an early night.

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-You're having an early night!

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-You're having an early night!

-

-An early night!

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-We then visit Llanddwyn or

-Llantysilio. It's lovely.

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-Did you celebrate St Dwynwen's Day?

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-I used to send a card

-and receive one or two.

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-As the years have gone by,

-my hair has turned white.

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-As they say...

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-.."When there's snow in the

-mountain, it's cold in the valley"!

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-We were preparing to go out

-to The Cliff or the Emlyn Arms.

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-Then I had a call out

-and we couldn't go.

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-Llinos was sulking!

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-I bought sausage and chips.

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-What kind of sausage?

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-We went to bed early.

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-We went to bed early.

-

-An early night!

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-St Dwynwen's Day was fine.

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-So you're busy?

0:13:230:13:25

-So you're busy?

-

-You wouldn't believe it.

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-You just wouldn't believe it.

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-A lot of parties going on.

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-Mind you, I've had to lie

-through my teeth.

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-Not to your mother again!

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-What have you told her that you do?

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-She thinks I'm selling Tupperware!

0:13:400:13:42

-Well, you are selling plastic!

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-A lot of plastic!

-Oh, Carys, stop it!

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-What exactly do you sell?

0:13:480:13:50

-Stuff from that woman,

-you know, Ann Summers.

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-Oh, her stuff!

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-It's taken off in Wales.

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-Delivered to your door.

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-Delivered to your door.

-

-No, I do parties.

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-Oh, parties.

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-Oh, parties.

-

-I model them, Donna.

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-On the way home tomorrow,

-I'm going to Ann Summers.

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-I haven't been there for years.

-We have to get them a present.

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-I used to go to those.

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-What?

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-I used to go to those parties.

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-What are your bestsellers

-at the parties?

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-Lingerie.

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-That's what sells.

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-Good old lingerie.

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-Some of the women who buy it,

-well, they just shouldn't.

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-Dear me!

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-A blindfold, handcuffs, cream,

-ice, definitely ice.

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-Melted chocolate, oh, my God.

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-Strawberries.

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-Strawberries.

-

-And strawberries.

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-And a whip.

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-And a whip.

-

-Bob's your uncle.

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-You can get a vibrator there for 1.

0:14:510:14:53

-I bought one for Secret Santa.

0:14:540:14:56

-I bought one for Secret Santa.

-

-Hence Poundland.

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-She said it was amazing.

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-I wouldn't tell her

-where I bought it.

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-I said I'd buy another one

-when the batteries ran out.

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-Have you ever seen love beads?

-They are very popular as well.

0:15:050:15:09

-What are they?

0:15:090:15:10

-I'm not sure what you do with them.

0:15:100:15:12

-Do you wear them around your neck?

0:15:120:15:13

-Do you wear them around your neck?

-

-Yes, like a pearl necklace.

0:15:130:15:15

-Really? Have you heard of them,

-Carla?

0:15:150:15:18

-Love beads.

0:15:190:15:19

-Love beads.

-

-No.

0:15:190:15:21

-There are these magnets

-that you can buy.

0:15:210:15:25

-Those balls.

0:15:250:15:26

-Those balls.

-

-Yes, the balls!

0:15:260:15:27

-Have you tried them?

0:15:270:15:28

-Have you tried them?

-

-No.

0:15:280:15:29

-Apparently, if you went shopping

-and you were near to a freezer...

0:15:300:15:36

-..you'd stick to it.

0:15:370:15:39

-You stick to the freezer!

0:15:400:15:42

-I've missed out.

0:15:430:15:44

-The higher you go,

-the more they vibrate.

0:15:460:15:49

-Do you know how much they are?

0:15:530:15:54

-Do you know how much they are?

-

-Yes.

0:15:540:15:55

-Of course you do

-but I was gobsmacked.

0:15:560:15:58

-She asked

-"Do you want a feel of this?".

0:15:590:16:01

-"A feel of what, love?!"

0:16:010:16:02

-"What size would you prefer?"

0:16:040:16:06

-Do we want to know?!

0:16:070:16:08

-There was a small,

-medium and large one.

0:16:080:16:11

-Then an extra large

-and extra extra large one!

0:16:110:16:14

-"Is this for you?"

0:16:140:16:15

-"No, it's for Billy the Dog

-down there!"

0:16:150:16:18

-We don't want you to misbehave

-on St Dwynwen's Day next week.

0:16:200:16:23

-I've forgotten what to do, Carys!

0:16:230:16:26

-Do you think I'd remember?

0:16:280:16:30

-I don't think you've ever forgotten,

-Joyce!

0:16:310:16:34

-What can you do.

0:16:340:16:36

-Sex in the nineties.

0:16:360:16:38

-Sex in the nineties.

-

-They say it's the best.

0:16:380:16:40

-Bring it on!

0:16:400:16:42

-They say it's better in the nineties

-than in the fifties.

0:16:440:16:49

-It's because you don't remember

-anything!

0:16:490:16:52

-I'm sure he goes for hours.

0:16:530:16:55

-Too slow.

0:16:550:16:57

-I'm no longer looking for a toy boy.

0:16:580:17:00

-I realise I'm too old.

0:17:010:17:03

-Let the toy boy decide that!

0:17:030:17:05

-Harrison Ford is more my age.

0:17:060:17:11

-I would do stuff with him!

0:17:110:17:14

-A sugar daddy.

0:17:160:17:17

-I don't want a sugar daddy,

-he'd be older than me!

0:17:200:17:25

-Goodness me,

-he'd have to have Viagra!

0:17:250:17:29

-Are you on Viagra, Keith?

0:17:300:17:32

-She hasn't said

-that I've needed it just yet.

0:17:330:17:36

-It pays to do something romantic.

0:17:380:17:40

-To show that you love your partner.

0:17:400:17:43

-At the end of the day,

-you've only got one wife.

0:17:450:17:48

-Supposed to.

0:17:480:17:49

-Supposed to.

-

-Unless you've got a harem!

0:17:490:17:52

-It's a waste of money, isn't it?

0:17:530:17:55

-You see these people

-going to a restaurant...

0:17:550:17:59

-..and that's where they are...

0:18:000:18:02

-..whispering sweet nothings

-in candlelight.

0:18:020:18:05

-They can't afford it.

0:18:060:18:07

-Prices are going through the roof.

0:18:070:18:10

-Instead of a bottle of bubbly,

-she gets a bottle of Babycham.

0:18:100:18:14

-There's a bloke with a violin...

0:18:140:18:16

-..playing music

-you don't want to hear.

0:18:170:18:19

-Next morning, back to square one,

-fighting like cats again.

0:18:200:18:23

-How long have you been married?!

0:18:240:18:26

-How long have you been married?!

-

-28 glorious years!

0:18:260:18:28

-What did you get

-for Valentine's Day?

0:18:280:18:30

-He was so busy last night,

-I got my present this morning.

0:18:300:18:35

-Oh!

0:18:360:18:37

-And he hadn't been shopping!

0:18:380:18:41

-Too much information!

0:18:420:18:44

-I'll be choking now.

0:18:450:18:47

-I don't want to choke you

-with hairspray.

0:18:480:18:51

-You should choke on

-something else!

0:18:510:18:54

-Women really like me.

0:18:570:18:59

-I always want them to come out of

-their shell and be more like me.

0:19:000:19:04

-Be confident.

0:19:040:19:05

-Sometimes people say

-that I'm too confident.

0:19:060:19:09

-You can't be too confident.

0:19:090:19:11

-You can't be, it's impossible

-to be too confident.

0:19:110:19:14

-Women want me now

-because of my celebrity name.

0:19:150:19:21

-"Girls, I ain't got time for that."

0:19:220:19:25

-"Jesus Christ."

0:19:250:19:26

-George Clooney rang me up.

0:19:260:19:29

-George Clooney rang me up.

-

-George Clooney.

0:19:290:19:30

-He asked me for some tips!

0:19:300:19:33

-You can sit on my lap today.

0:19:330:19:35

-You can sit on my lap today.

-

-Watch yourself, young man!

0:19:350:19:37

-Something will stir

-in your trousers!

0:19:370:19:39

-Look at these ones but I'm not

-reading this one, it's too rude.

0:19:420:19:46

-I read it out in front of my mother

-sitting at the kitchen table!

0:19:470:19:53

-What is it?

0:19:530:19:55

-"The beautiful Elin."

0:19:550:19:56

-"Rose are red, violets are blue, I'm

-using my hand and thinking of you!"

0:19:570:20:01

-Have you heard what's coming

-to the pictures this week?

0:20:040:20:07

-A new Fifty Shades of Grey.

0:20:070:20:09

-A new Fifty Shades of Grey.

-

-Oh, that's tame.

0:20:090:20:10

-They could do with Maggi's help

-for the third film.

0:20:100:20:14

-I could be a sensual advisor.

0:20:150:20:18

-Mr Grey would be intimidated by you.

0:20:190:20:21

-He would be completely intimidated.

0:20:210:20:24

-I'd like to see him

-try and tie me up.

0:20:240:20:27

-You'd watch that with the girls,

-not with your partner.

0:20:290:20:33

-No.

0:20:330:20:34

-He knows then what to do

-when you get home!

0:20:340:20:37

-"Take down some tips!"

0:20:370:20:39

-"Write everything down!"

0:20:390:20:41

-"You know what's happening

-when we get home!"

0:20:410:20:44

-Have you seen Fifty Shades of Grey?

0:20:450:20:47

-No, I haven't read it either. I

-don't want to know what I'm missing!

0:20:470:20:52

-There's still time, Mary!

0:20:520:20:55

-I'm too old

-and I no longer know the way.

0:20:560:20:58

-I can't bend my legs!

0:20:590:21:00

-I want to make a replica

-of the room, the S&M room.

0:21:010:21:06

-What kind of room?

0:21:070:21:08

-What kind of room?

-

-Read the book.

0:21:080:21:09

-S&M.

0:21:100:21:11

-Whips and chains...

0:21:110:21:13

-No, I'm only joking.

0:21:180:21:20

-If they made a Welsh Fifty Shades,

-who would you have as Mr Grey?

0:21:200:21:25

-Do you know who I like?

-I don't know his name.

0:21:270:21:30

-The bald one from Byw Celwydd.

0:21:300:21:32

-Him.

0:21:320:21:33

-He looks a bit like Gareth Thomas.

0:21:330:21:36

-I know him.

0:21:370:21:38

-Who are you?

0:21:390:21:40

-Whoever you are,

-find me on Christian Mingle.

0:21:410:21:44

-Oh, shit, watch out,

-Karen's going to have a stroke.

0:21:490:21:52

-Quick, get her to Ysbyty Gwynedd!

0:21:520:21:55

-Everyone is different. No man is

-exactly the same as another.

0:21:570:22:03

-We're all individuals.

0:22:030:22:06

-Right, how's that for you?

0:22:080:22:09

-Right, how's that for you?

-

-Very smart.

0:22:090:22:10

-Ooh!

0:22:110:22:12

-Feel that.

0:22:150:22:17

-Hot stuff!

0:22:170:22:19

-Hot stuff!

-

-Oh, my God.

0:22:190:22:20

-Oh, sorry, oh, my God, I farted!

0:22:200:22:22

-I hope the microphone

-didn't pick it up.

0:22:240:22:27

-I thought it was thunder!

0:22:280:22:29

-I thought it was thunder!

-

-This corset is so tight!

0:22:290:22:32

-I was at Merched y Wawr this

-morning with a Victoria sponge.

0:22:320:22:35

-What's she like?

0:22:350:22:36

-Who, Victoria?

-It's a cake, you silly old bird!

0:22:380:22:40

-Sorry.

0:22:400:22:42

-I like to pop down

-to Merched y Wawr.

0:22:430:22:46

-I've known that Jo

-for a long time, Carys.

0:22:490:22:52

-From the Blaenau Ffestiniog

-Leather Fetish Club!

0:22:540:22:58

-She could spin a tassel so fast you

-could dry your hair in front of her!

0:22:590:23:04

-Good chats today, it's worth coming.

0:23:050:23:08

-Are you off, love?

0:23:080:23:09

-I'm Gough and I'm off.

-See you later, Sharon.

0:23:090:23:13

-All right love, get out of my pub.

0:23:130:23:16

-He's not all there, is he?

0:23:170:23:18

-He's not all there, is he?

-

-No!

0:23:180:23:19

-Bless him.

0:23:190:23:20

-Spaghetti is also straight

-until it's wet and hot!

0:23:200:23:24

-Bless them, fair play!

0:23:280:23:29

-I'm off, I'm being corrupted!

0:23:300:23:31

-Finished!

0:23:320:23:33

-Ta-ra!

0:23:330:23:34

-S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.

0:23:530:23:55

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0:23:550:23:55

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