03/07/2014 This Week

Tonight on This Week: As the mighty Morph returns to our screens, we ask

him to help us review the political week. The little plasticine man

makes a welcome comeback, while another TV star, Rolf Harris, could

soon be behind prison bars. The Times' TV critic, Andrew Billen,

also lives in a wooden pencil box. This box was also on trial this week

and was as guilty as Rolf Harris. Labour Leader, Ed Miliband, would

like to be as popular as Morph. Should he change his shape and

character? Journalist and commentator Mary Ann Sieghart is

moulding her own political model. This was the week when Ed Miliband

Morphed from being from the great crusader against big business to

wanting them to be his friend. And straight-talking American chat show

host, Chelsea Handler, is here and ready to ask Morph some difficult

questions. Honestly Morph I don't nope who you are or why I'm on This

Week. We all speak gobbledygook on This Week.

Evenin' all, welcome to This Week. A week in which David Cameron put on

his well-rehearsed "concerned sad face" and called for co-ordinated

action to combat a growing public health threat. Apparently there's a

dangerous increase in the public's resistance to politicians and their

meaningless promises and phrases. Call me Concerned Dave warned that

Westminster was "in danger of going back to the Dark Ages" when voters

weren't treated like docile idiots, as resistance to political drivel

grows ever stronger. Dr Dave was particularly concerned that people

had noticed the coalition hasn't developed any new policies for

months and that there was an "over-use problem" - with the

repetition of tedious sound-bites, long-term economic plan, cost of

living crisis, hard-working families, to such an extent that we

no longer listen to a word they say. Plus, a worrying number of voters

are now almost entirely resistant to superbugs such as Nick Cleggover, Ed

Moribund, and a particularly virulent strain of Boy George

Osborne. All of whom bring out a nasty rash on anyone within a 10-ft

radius, and an urgent need to visit the bathroom within ten seconds.

Speaking of those who aren't medically trained but still feel the

need to prescribe our treatment, I'm joined on the sofa tonight by two

candy sized political treats. Think of them as the Dolly Mixture and

Dolly Parton of late night political chat. I speak, of course, of

#sadmanonatrain Michael Portillo. And back, despite almost no public

demand whatsoever, #baffled Diane Abbott. Your moment of the week. I

think the moment that the terrorist organisation ISIS declared he wanted

to be known as Islamic State in future, that it can created a

caliphate that crossed the borders of Syria and Iraq, that comprises

quite a large amount of territory. I think it is the moment of the weeks

because I'm not sure we shall ever see Iraq recreated in our lifetime.

It is the end of the borders that were drawn by the Western Power as

century ago. When you consider that before 9/11, in 2001, many people

had not heard of Al-Qaeda, the progress made from being a terrorist

organisation to being now an organisation that has armies and

even has a state and a caliphate, with ambitions to go back to map

which was drawn between 600 and 700 AD, that's worthy of being a moment

of the week. It is a moment of the decade, perhaps. The Saudis have

rushed 30,000 troops to the border. Ened Kurdish part of Iraq has

effectively gone. Iraq is over. Yes. The Kurds should be separate.

Interesting that the Saudis, who are Sunnis, are rushing to defend

themselves against Sunnis. Yes, but of course a different kind. Diane,

your moment of the week? Mine is a footnote in Labour history. Dennis

Skinner MP was knocked off the NEC. Why? Because the type of MP that

would have voted for Dennis Skinner without blinking, former miners,

have largely gone from the parliamentary Labour Party. He was

on the NEC for 33 years all to do due remember when people used to

come back and they would be filled... We used to cover them.

Exactly, and Denis used to give interviews. No-one does that now. A

lot of people regret it. For those viewers on Twitter who want to

campaign the hash tag is bring back Denis. I see. I bet he's not an

Twitter. I don't think he is. ?? LINEBREAK Now, this week saw

millions of childhood memories reassessed, as veteran entertainer

Rolf Harris was found guilty of 12 counts of indecently assaulting

girls in the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s. But did his celebrity status protect

him from being asked questions at the time? And is that same celebrity

now the reason why there has been such interest in his historic

crimes? We turned to The Times TV critic and children's author Andrew

Billen. This is his take of the week.

Television likes to think it can spot phonies. It's a truth-obtaining

medium. Be yourself or people at home will see through you. Well, we

didn't see through Rolf Harris. Even a nation as wised up to sex as ours

was shocked by Monday's verdict. This breezy innocence survived 50

years in children's schedules, because he persuaded us he was half

child himself. A bearded boy-man, who shared his audiences' puerile

pleasures in cartoons and pets. Can wele the what it was yet, he asked

of his paintings? We couldn't even tell what he was. We long tolerated

the obvious phonies. Hughie Green told us he meant things most

sincerely. We knew he didn't. Didn't Jess Yeates, no shock when he was

exposed as an adulterer. If you didn't realise there was something

weird and aggressive about Jimmy Savile you were probably a BBC

executive. And therein lay the problem. In the 1970s, 80s and 90s

celebrity got too big for its boots, and public service television licked

them. The new monarchs of the tube decided the sweetest thing to do

with power was to abuse it. Eight years ago when Harris painted the

Queen for the BBC, we scrutinised Her Majesty for her humanity. It

turns out we should have been scrutinising King Rolf for his. His

reign is over now, his reputation smashed. And television's isn't

looking much healthier. And from the British Vintage

Wireless and Television Museum in West Dulwich to our own little

museum of vintage TV here in the heart of Westminster, Andrew Billen

welcome to the programme. Why do you think the conviction of

Rolf Harris is more shocking than the other high-profile cases? Not

worse, but shocking. He was so good at fooling us. So many of us,

including me, saw him as something different. Many people were repelled

by Jimmy Savile. I never liked him as a kid, and neither did my

schoolfriends, but Harris was regarded as a harmless well-liked

entertainer wasn't he? Television has a reputation for seeing through

phoniness. It maybe even goes back to that Kennedy Nixon debate in 19

of,ment Kennedy won it as far as radio saw it... Kennedy won the

television and Nixon won the radio. When they saw the stubble and the

Dewi lip... I think Andrew's analysis is right. I never

particularly thought that television did see through phonies. I thought

it was like the stage. It was an opportunity for people to act and

present a facade. But I think a naivety goes back further than that.

It has been over a long period in many fields not to realise that

where there are children, point of view will be attracted. It is period

in many fields not to realise that where there are children, point of

view will be attracted. It is not -- paedophiles will be attracted. It is

not a coincidence that in the Catholic Church and children's

television there are paedophiles. A number of environment, including

television and the Catholic Church, in the first case because of

celebrity and the second case to avoid scandal, there was a pretty

great uncertainty that they were not going to be exposed or produced. You

have a ready supply of children and a guarantee that they are not going

to be brought to justice. It is going to attract paedophiles. I

think Michael is right to say that where there are children you will

find paedophiles. I think Andrew's thesis is a bit bizarre. I imagine

one has had monsters of that nature going back centuries. Television as

a whole, not the BBC necessarily, the particularly when there were

only two channels and most people watch them, people were able to

become huge omnipresent personalities in a way they hadn't

been before. The considered that the BBC has produced people that molest

children is nuts. We though there are schools, children's homes have

been involved in this as well. The Church. Why television? It allowed

television to get out of hand and a public service broadcaster should

have held it in check. The BBC is probably run by civil civil servant

types and didn't know how to discipline. Don't think it helps to

turn this into an attack on the BBC. Lots of good reasons to attack the

BBC, maybe employing us try is a good reason to attack it. I think

there are more profound issues about paedophiles and people accessing

children which we should discuss. I think there has been a broad worship

of celebrities on the BBC. ITV is guilty of this as well. When the BBC

was paying Jonathan Ross ?6 million a year and supposedly because they

were afraid that ITV would pay him more, that is where celebrity gets

out of hand. Mike, as a good Peterhouse boy you are being very

ahistorical. Celebrity goes back to the 19th century. Lillie Langtry, a

huge celebrity. Television cranks it up but it's not not creating the

cult of celebrity. Whether it is television or something in our

culture that someone weird like Savile, of no obvious ability

whatsoever, could become such a national celebrity. Even because we

are all suckers for charitable work, a national treasure. How could that

happen? The charity thing helped as a Dover didn't it. It is

inexplicable. So many people who worked with him now say they kind of

knew what he was up to. Yet there was no chain of command, at no point

was anybody taking him aside or talking to his agent and saying,

knock it off. The charity bit is another part of it. Every year the

BBC runs the Children In Need campaign and takes great pride of

the huge amounts of money raised, which by the way are pitful to what

we pay in our taxes to charity. And the celebrities what they earn. And

they get enormous kudos going on there and posturing about how much

they care about charities. Savile was such a case. These hospitals and

other organisations and institutions thought he was the great meal

ticket. He could bring them a million pounds or two million

pounds, which for them was riches beyond their wildest dreams. Savile

was creepy and it was odd how Ministers allowed him to have a role

in Broadmoor hospital. Savile Andujaris began at the start of what

we now regard as celebrity culture. It is much worse now. Celebrity

culture is much worse than it was when they were this their heyday.

But it is more transparent now. It is more transparent, the places are

run by lawyers who don't want to be sued, human resources departments.

If I behaved in the way that either Harris let alone Savile did in my

newsroom, I would be called up for a very swift firing. A due oply has

gone. When you had only ITV and BBC One, as we did in the old days, of

course these celebrities dominated the field. There was nowhere else we

could find our celebrities. Now we have a multiplicity of media, it is

much easier. And at Westminster, allegation of a paedophile ring in

the 1970s, a missing file. A call for a public inquiry. In the current

climate that's a call that may well be heeded.

this for some time. I mean, Jeffrey Dickens is at the heart of this. He

presented the dossier to Leon Britton. I have a lot of good things

to say about him, he was my friend, but I wouldn't immediately take it

serious. For a long time, there's been a great try to find paedophile

in politics, Lord McAlpine was accused of being involve and he was

able to sue for handsome sums of money and I'm very pleased indeed

that that happened. Can we be sure that there isn't a Harris or a

Savile out there today? In the same position? What in TV? Yes. You know

better than me who is out there. We didn't.

Louis Theroux put it to him. The BBC executives said they had no clue.

The allegation was current enough. I never knew anything about Harris,

did you? No, this is why I find it so shocking. So it could still be

out there? Of course it could be. Andrew, Billen, thank you very much.

It's late, a bit like Colleen Rooney's suitcases, so stay with us.

Waiting in the wings, top, top American talk show host and

straight-talking standup, Chelsea is here to discuss whether honesty is

always the best policy. For those who tell lies, damn lies and Tweets,

there's always the Fleecebook, the Internet and the -- interweb and the

Twitter. The Tour de France will be making

its way through the Cote d' Harrogate.

The cries will be replaced by ally, ally, ally. What's been happening

happening in the news political cycle? Mary-Ann Sieghart gives us

the round-up of the political week. Politicians can never resist a bit

of spin. And when you're right at the top of politics, you need the

wheels to two round really fast so you don't wobble on.

It's a lesson Ed Miliband's learning the hard way. He's facing criticism

from his own side for not having enough exciting ideas and for being

antibusiness. So his big new idea was to get the economy to speed up

outside London. And like the Tour de France which starts in Yorkshire on

Saturday, he went to Leeds to launch it. We have a vision, for a

high-sky, high-wage future for Britain and we are willing to do the

things to make that happen -- high-skill. Whether that is giving

power to local people to make decisions about what matter to them.

It may be grim up north but having these polices turn up all the time

can't be making people any cheerier. Despite starting the week on the

economy, Mr Miliband quickly back pedalled into safer Labour territory

at Prime Minister eats questions. That was all about the NHS and

waiting times where Labour leads the Tories in the polls. He asks me to

defend my record over the last four years. I will. There are 7,000 more

doctors. There are 4,000 more nurses.

There's over 1,000 more midwives. We are treating over a million more

patients a year and whereas the NHS under Labour had the disgrace of Mid

Staffs, you can now see the NHS properly being invested in and

properly being improved. The shortest waiting times ever on our

record, more doctors and nurses than ever before and the highst patient

satisfaction ever. That's Labour's record on the NHS.

But this is tricky for Mr Miliband. Although Labour's much more trusted

than the Conservatives on the NHS, health isn't nearly as important an

issue in voters' minds as the economy.

On managing the economy, the Tories are well ahead of Labour, in fact,

the furthest ahead they have been since they won power. When voters

are asked, who'd best handle the economy, there's one political party

15% ahead. Right, all set to challenge the King

of the mountains now. Another King. Well, a future one

anyway, has also been doing a bit of challenging this week. You are

nobody in politics if you haven't been lobbied by the Prince of Wales

in one of his famous black spider letters, that's his hand writing I'm

referring to, not a voodoo curse. He lobbied them on complimentary

medicine and climate change and David Blunkett told us how the

prince tried to persuade him to expand grammar schools. I would

explain that our policy was not to expand grammar schools. He didn't

like that. He was very keen that we should go back to a different era

where youngsters had the, what he would have seen as the opportunity

to escape from their background, whereas I wanted to change their

background. To help get the summer party season

into gear, David Cameron threw a bit of a celebrity bash earlier this

week. Or at least he tried to. Trouble was, made him look like a

bit of a Noddy No Mates, because not many showed up. Not exactly cool

Britannia these days are we? It will be nice to see so many people from

my business here and to see so many friend. I'm here to talk about

entertainment tonight. Oh, well, at least I made it to

Downing Street. Tactics. Tactics Stay by the pack.

Make the brake when on the final straight or race for the front and

try and stay there without support? The latter was what David Cameron

tried to do oaf the appointment of Jean-Claude Juncker as Head of The

European Commission. Mr Juncker had far too many team-mates helping him,

and by the end, David Cameron had a lone Hungarian. He didn't stand a

chance. He tried to turn humiliation into

principled defeat when he came back to face the Commons. In the European

elections, people tried out for change across the continent. They

are intensely frustrated and they deserve a voice. Britain will be the

voice of those people. We will always stand up for our principles,

we'll always defend our national interests and we'll fight with all

we have to reform the EU over the next few years.

After all, this was only one stage in the race. This one's going to run

until at least 2017 and there'll be plenty more yellow jumpers or

Junckers to be won or lost on them. APPLAUSE

Sparkling Blue Nun. Miranda joins us again. Good to see

you. Diane, how well do you think Ed's big week on business and the

economy's gone? It's gone fine. What can I say. What way has it gone

fine? Well, they got their speeches made, the sound bytes had gone out

there. Don't look at me sneering like that. No, no, no, I'm listening

intently. "Listening intently" when in opposition, you can't defect...

What would you say was the clearest message that's come out? That he

really would like business to like him. Do you think? Yes. He's a

Labour Leader, why does he need business to like him? Oh, no, let's

be reasonable. The Labour Party's always had support for business,

going back years. Always had support in business. Where are you on the

debate over whether he need to be bolder, Jon Cruddas saying that, or

have a more focussed-driven strategy? Oh, I mean, you know, he's

got policies. He can't win, now he's got too many policies. He's got

policies and he does have a sort of narrative. The argument is that he's

got to look more Prime Ministerial, but, you know, I think he'll look

like a Prime Minister when, I sincerely hope, in less than a year,

he is Prime Minister. What would you rate the chances of that? The odds

extremely high. How high? As high as you can imagine. How bad is it for

Ed Miliband at the moment? There's a kind of packed journalism, the skids

are under you, everybody piles in and he can't stop skidding. Are the

media amplifying, exaggerating how bad it is for him? There's two

schoolsthought, aren't there? One says that the image is is the

substance and that actually, the public are dubious about Ed Miliband

and they think he's a bit strange and they can't see him as aple on

the steps of Number Ten -- as a Prime Minister. All this nonsense

about whether he can eat a bacon butte elegantly stands up when

people question it. Some like having a go and hitting people when they

are down. Nick Clegg's been through it for several years. It takes away

from the fact that the Liberal Democrat poll ratings and his

personal ratings are dire? Ed Miliband's are now even worse, so

you've got two. Two out of the three party leaders with a serious

personal problem and then youth got Cameron who is seen asth as more

Prime Ministerial and is being condemned by a lot of commentators

for his recent appearance in Europe and the experience with Juncker and

he's chimed with the voters, but it's an imbalanced situation. You

don't have three strong leaders, you have one that's far out in the

moment but I don't know whether that will change. The treatment Mr

Miliband is getting remind me of the treatment John Major got after the

collapse of the ERM and the ignamy and black Wednesday because it

became open season on him and that kind of just grew too? Yes. I think

that was a more extraordinary case because he was actually a Prime

Minister. The Ed Miliband thing, I think you see very frequently. As

with Michael Howard, Iain Duncan Smith and Neil Kinnock in

particular, people who, as you say, have not been Prime Minister, found

it extremely difficult on the whole to convince people that they were

Prime Ministerial. I think even Margaret Thatcher before he was

Prime Minister had great trouble in convincing people that sheshed be a

proper Prime Minister. That might be of some consolation to Ed. But at

some point, it may get so bad, as in the case of Neil Kinnock and Michael

Howard, that they simply are not voted in because people can't

imagine them being Prime Minister. Remember, a lot of the whispers

about Ed Miliband come not from the Westminster press core, but from

inside his own Shadow Cabinet, he's surrounding by people who did not

support him to be leader. What about your colleague, Chuka Umunna, the

long level banner in Le Monde, and there's a growing profile of him

tomorrow in a page of The Economist. David Cameron, how do we assess his

domestic position after the whole Juncker business? I think almost

certainly improved by the whole Juncker business. At least in the

short-term. I think he did turn into his advantage, this whole thing

about standing up for what he believed and standing up for Britain

played very well. He has immensely complicated the hand that he has to

play over Europe, so that is now a medium term problem. Difficult, yes.

I mean, how on earth will you go into the next election, as David

Cameron, saying, I'm really sure that I can convince my European

colleagues to make significant changes which I can then come back

to you and say are worthy for you to vote on, I mean that is Noel now

wholly inconvincing. He has a big problem because of Europe which

feeds back into what Labour is up to which is that business is totally

spooked by the idea of a European referendum on what it calls the

arbitrary date of 2017 and... Is it The CBI, the EVF, have all been

saying they are worried and it's a good moment for Labour to be trying

to cosy up to Labour. We always know what the CBI's position is. It's

always an established position. It's an established position and it's

always wrong. These are the people who want to be in the -- wanted us

to be in the ERM. They have form. Politically, it's very convenient

for Labour though because they can take advantage of this. If they

decided to become more reasonable, you know. A couple of weeks ago,

Lord Mandelson was complaining that Labour was looking far too

antibusiness because of the Europe issue. This is a good time for them

to mend some fences there. We have pranked the coffin lid down on Lord

Mandelson, so let's not go there. Labour is wise, Ed Miliband in

particular is wise to resist the cause now from Unite that he should

pledge a referendum. Why on earth would Labour want to pledge a

referendum? The Conservatives were pledging United's policy. They don't

even get any money, whereas Labour is not... The Liberal Democrats must

be worried know. There could well be a referendum on Europe and it could

be tough to win? Very much so, yes. And there's been this recent all too

fresh experience of the disaster at the referendum. However, with the

European referendum, it would be different because people tend to, if

they are unsure, to go for the status quo. Wait and see what

happens in Scotland. Yes. That casts a shadow over everything. But I've

always thought there would not be a referendum because there wouldn't be

a Tory majority. My certainty on this has been shaken a bit partly

because certain Liberal Democrats have been entertaining the idea of

going for a referendum and partly because I can also see that in the

mile strop following a general election, it may be that Nick Clegg

who's held out particularly loses his seat, at which point we don't

know who will be in charge of the Liberal Democrats, we don't know how

anxious they might be to be in power, if they are sensible, very

anxious, and giving away a referendum which on the whole I

think would make a decision in favour of it.

policy. And go back on their position on tuition fees as well. Do

you think Ed Miliband is right to stick to his no-referendum policy

unless there's major treaty change? I think at this point he's right.

Would be joining a bandwagon otherwise. Yes, it would, and

business likes it. There was an argument for coming up for a

referendum before Cameron did, but he has to stick with this position.

What about these celebrity parties at Downing Street? A celebrity party

without celebrities. Why do they do it? On the plus side... Were you

there? No, I wasn't. Just checking. NFI, can I say that? It is good to

celebrity the creative industries. Yes, the celebrities are a small

part of that. All that wonderful CGI stuff in Soho, they are not

celebrities. Maybe go to where the celebrities are rather than invite

them in and be embarrassed. We'll leave it there. Thank you.

Now, when Michael Portillo reinvented himself as a romantic

railway traveller, we took his Damascene conversion to public

transport with a rather large pinch of salt. And when Diane Abbott

played the West Indian card and cooked her favourite Jamaican jerk

chicken recipe on Celebrity Come Dine with Me, it was obvious to

everyone that she'd never actually cooked it before in her life! So why

do we have such difficulty telling the truth? Especially on this show.

We decided to come clean and put "honesty" in this week's Spotlight.

Be warned, this contains some flash photography.

It seems honesty was the best policy for Tracy Emin. Her most famous

artwork, a warts and all re-creation of her filthy bed went up for

auction this week. It sold for over ?2 million. Million. If truth be

told it is not all about money, or is it? Who would have thought 40

years ago we would be sitting here doing Monty Python? As Monty Python

reunites for ten sell-out show, Eric Idle was honest about it being for

cash. Are they still going? They must be coining it in. I bet it is

expensive. Speaking of come-backs, Dolly Parton drew a huge crowd. Some

accused her of dishonesty, miming song. She denies. This my boobs are

false but my voice is real. Luis Suarez has admitted biting an

opponent in the World Cup. So, while politicians' honesty is often in

doubt. I have no plans to announce that I'm running for Mayor of

London. Is straight talking the way to be, or is the real truth that

nobody is ever truly honest? When politicians say they have no

plans it means they are about to do it. Watch this space. Chelsea

Handler, welcome to the programme. You famously went on the Piers

Morgan show and told him he was a terrible interviewer. Was that what

you thought or were you trying to wind him up? No, that's what I

thought. He is not a great interviewer. He has trouble

listening. Do you have that problem? What did you say? Sur quick! Did he

appreciate you? I didn't ask him. He is not paying attention to anyone

who is on his show anyway. Anything I said didn't really register. He's

on Twitter all the time while he's interviewing. Even when he's

interviewing? Yes, it is fascinating. He didn't mind. He

likes the attention. But it didn't save the show. No, it did not, but

that wasn't my intention. He also said the only person who is a pain

in the ass, I think you mean cars, was Russell Brand. What did you mean

by that? I wouldn't say, well yeah, he was a bit of a pain in the ass.

He was a little difficult to get on stage. He needed a lot of things in

his green room to bring him out. Out. Out. Like three espressos.

Prima donnaish? Yes, very difficult. Takes himself too seriously. I'm not

really interested in that. You have a tape time, you either come on the

show or you don't. We don't have time to be getting coffees for you.

It is the E Network. We don't have a big budget. We do that as well. He

to bring my own coffee today, so you are lying to my face now. We are

poorer than a church mouse. We live on a welter of lies. Your show in

the United States is different, because you were quite blunt with

some of your guests. Most American talk shows, as they are called over

there, they interview, the disperse viewer fawns over a celebrity. Do

you not do that over here? No. I don't like that. That's kind of

annoying as a viewer to watch somebody go on a chat show, as they

are called over here, and have the interviewer fawn all over them. You

see them so many times doing their publicity tour and to see that

repeatedly can be disenchanting. I don't necessarily see a movie

because I see them get their ass kicked, or their cars kicked. You

are picking this up. You wrote in the book and said, I never say the

things I really want to. I am losing my friends rapidly. Is that why

you've come here, to make new friends? You are on my bucket list.

What number? Last! Who is the most dishonest person you had on is show?

I wouldn't know. I can only speculate. I don't know who's

dishonest. There are people that aren't forthright. I find that not

compelling. I'm not particularly intrigued speaking to people who've

nothing of meaning to say or of sincerity to say. You should

interview politicians. Maybe I will. No, they are not forth right. I know

what a politician is. You can never get a straight answer though. This

isn't a new idea. For you? Listen tow, you sound like a drunk woman at

a brothel. No, I'm chuckling at the fun you are having with Andrew. Is

that how drunk women sound? Where I'm from it is how they sound. Diane

will tell us how they sound. You will in half an hour when we have my

fourth glass. We have this wine called Portillo wine. No, we only

drink Blue Nun. They were at school together, wept to University

together and in Parliament together and now they work together. Lovely.

You could bus one day. You always been honest in politics? I've been

more honest than I should have been. That's true accurately. That's a

fair assessment of her career. I do think soft. I think if Diane had

been less honest she would have been in office. Do you think if she had

been more honest she would have been London Mayor? Do you say that for

yourself as well? I don't think I've been as honest as Diane by any

means. I've been in office much more than Diane, so that's proof of that.

I've been more honest than is good for me. Doesn't that feel good? She

said flashes. You sometimes miss them. I heard you and I heard you

repeat it. That's good. I'm delighted. That's good! Are you

giving up your chat show? Yes, I'm moving on. Why? Because I'm bored.

But there are so many people in America to interview. That's not a

reason to go on because there's a high supply. We are grateful for

anybody to interview. But get fed up interviewing vacuous celebs? Is it

is fun for a bit. Anything can be fun for a while. The important thing

is to realise when you are not having fun at a certain point and

when you are coasting on your laurels, it is not an admirable

thing to do. It is not something you wake up and get excited about. I

want to be excited about other things than going on vacation. Good

luck with your reinvention. The three of us recommend it. Where are

the three of you off to? No, we are reinvented. You weren't listening. I

was listening. I thought you meant a Sandals vacation together. Have you

ever been to a Sandal as vacation? He won't wear sandals. What's the

most honest thing you've ever said? That's a drunken woman. I don't

think I can say it on air. Yes you can. Late at night. We are past the

water she had. Let's not go there. You are doing your first ever gig,

stand-up comedian at the London Palladium. Are you going to be

honest in that? Yes, my stand-up revolves completely around me, baize

spend so much time making fun of other people it is best to come back

to yourself. To start and end with yourself. The Palladium is not a bad

place to start. I'm honoured to be here. Good luck.

Thank you. That's your lot for tonight folks,

but not for us, because its Caliphate Restored night at Lou

Lou's, and as it's past sunset, Michael and Diane are off to sink a

few date juice Martinis. But we leave you tonight with an exclusive

recording of what's being called the most awkward phone call of David

Cameron's career, his "Congratulations, I'm looking

forward to working with you" call to the new President of the European

Commission, Jean-Claude Juncker. Nighty-night, don't let being

isolated in Europe bite, Prime Minister.

Your spacious appreciated. We'll be with you shortly... R spacious

appreciated. We'll be with you shortly...

-- patience is appreciated, we'll be with you shortly. Your patience is

appreciated. We'll be with you shortly. Your patience is

appreciated. We'll be with you We don't have to prove

who used a knife any more. He's only gone and stabbed someone,

hasn't he? If you were there,

you'll all get done for murder. I thought

they were going for a pizza! I'm pleading guilty to nothing, Mum.

They can do what they want. Our son's innocent, Mrs Ward.

Please, go. I've done nothing! He's done

nothing! And he's done even less! I'm not letting

my son plead guilty to something he didn't do! You'd

sooner him stand trial for murder?!